In this lively episode, we dive into the world of humor and entertainment with a comedic skit that brings together elements of classic radio shows and modern twists. The episode features a humorous exchange between characters discussing everything from family businesses to the intricacies of language and misunderstandings. The playful banter and witty dialogue keep listeners engaged as the characters navigate through a series of comedic scenarios, including a mock legal dispute and a chaotic movie set scene.
Listeners are treated to a blend of slapstick humor and clever wordplay, reminiscent of the golden age of radio comedy. The episode captures the essence of classic comedic duos, with misunderstandings and quick-witted retorts that lead to laugh-out-loud moments. Whether it's the confusion over "scruples" or the antics of a split-personality lawyer, this episode is a delightful throwback to the days of Abbott and Costello, offering a nostalgic yet fresh comedic experience.
(00:00) Introduction to The Godfather Slot Game
(01:20) Comedy Skit: The Secret Weapon
(02:27) Costello's Misunderstandings and Antics
(07:00) Legal Troubles with the Andrews Sisters
(12:24) Costello's Attempt at Acting
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[00:00:00]
Unknown:
Step into the world of power, loyalty, and luck. I'm gonna make him an offer he can't refuse. With family, cannolis, and spins mean everything. Now you wanna get mixed up in the family business. Introducing The Godfather Godfather at champacasino.com. Test your luck in the shadowy world of The Godfather slot. Someday, I will call upon you to do a service for me. Play The Godfather now at champacasino.com.
[00:00:28] Unknown:
Welcome to the family. No purchase necessary. VGW group. Boy prohibited by law. 18 plus. Terms and conditions apply. It is Ryan here, and I have a question for you. What do you do when you win? Like, are you a fist pumper, a woo hooer, a hand clapper, a high fiver? I kinda like the high five, but if you wanna hone in on those winning moves, check out Chumba Casino. At chumba casino dot com, choose from hundreds of social casino style games for your chance to redeem serious cash prizes. There are new game releases weekly plus free daily bonuses, so don't wait. Start having the most fun ever at chumbacasino.com.
[00:01:20] Unknown:
Alright, Godzilla. I have no clue what your weapon. Arm yourself. Calm yourself. I'm making so nervous. Oh, I just heard some terrific news, Adam. You did? Tigger has a new secret weapon that can end the war in five minutes. A secret weapon that can end the war in five minutes? What is it? A long pole with a white flag on the end of it. That's fine. It's fine. Now tell me, where were you all afternoon? Oh, where was I? Yes. I went out and got my up and got my stuff. Step it. Step it. Step it. Step it. Step it. I go already. It's so soon in the script too. Please. Alright. Now I'll save you the easy thing. I just got my uncle Arnie Stebbins a job. It's a swell job, Evan. He's a bookmaker. Why you dummy? You wind up in jail. Bookmaking is against the law. That's gambling. Yeah. But he don't gamble at it. He's a bookmaker in a bakery. A bookie.
Oh, I don't know which one is dumber. You or your uncle, Abbot. Well, I don't like to brag, Abbot, but I am. Of course, Adi is lazier than me. No. No. You mean lazier than I. Yes, sir. He's lazier than the both of us. My uncle Adi only says his prayers one night a year. No. He must be lazy. Yeah. The rest of the night, she just hops in bed and says ditto. Hold on. Let's figure let's figure it's your uncle Arnie. Now there's something I want you to do for me, Costello. Abbott, you know, there's nothing I wouldn't do for you. And there's nothing I wouldn't do for you, Craig. And there's nothing I wouldn't do for you. I know. I know. That's the way it is, folks. We just go through life doing nothing for each other. Yeah. Alright. Look. Talk sense, Costello. I I just wanted you to be sure, to behave yourself tonight because the Andrews sisters are coming over, and you've got to be careful how you handle those girls. Yeah. They have scruples. I don't care. I I've been vaccinated.
I can't catch scruples. No. No. No. You dummy. Scruples are not catchy. Scruples are principles. Scruples make a girl sweet. They do. Sure. Oh, I bought my girl some of them last night. You bought your girl some scruples? Yeah. I got a banana sprit with three scruples of ice cream. You with a knife? Look. Ice cream doesn't come in scruples. Ice cream comes in scoops. I thought chickens come in scoops. Chicken scoops. No. That one right or not. Okay. Pastella, scroobles have nothing to do with chicken. Then how did the Andrews Sisters get them? They didn't get them. A person doesn't get scroobles. Scroobles are a good trait. Now do you know what scroobles are? Yes, sir. When I turned in my Chevy for a Plymouth, they were scruples. No. What what has exchanging your Chevy for a Plymouth got to do with scruples? Well, everybody said it was a good trait.
Let's let's forget about the scruples. I don't wanna forget them. Have you said the Andrews just had scruples? That's right. Did you ever see them? No. Certainly not. Then how do you know they got them? Look, Costello. When I say when I say the girls have scruples, I don't mean they have anything wrong with them. Scruples are a trait. A trait is part of one's character, and you can't see a person's character. Yet, you know it's there. Oh, when you say they have scruples, you don't mean there's anything wrong with them. Scruples are a trait. The trait is a part of a character, and you can't see the character, yet you know it's there. No. You've got it. I don't even know what I'm talking about. Oh, wait. Oh, yeah. That's enough. Now what do you intend to do with the girls here? Well, I am going to sing for them. You're going to sing with them? Yes, Della. You know nothing about songs. Oh, no. I bet you don't even know Dixie. I do too. Alright. What is Dixie? That's the place where they make all those paper cups. No. No. No. No. No. No.
No. Soften your crescendo, chop your staccato, and smooth you your pizzicato. Oh, while you're right, I have it happen. Will you check my oil and give me $5 again? And now now, look, please. Please. Now listen. Never mind that. Listen to this. Look. Now listen. Are you gonna sing or jump? Now wait a minute. What are you doing? I'm just loosening up. That's alright. Just take a I thought you were falling apart. Stella, you're just jealous. I've been told that my voice is out of the world. And I bet a lot of people are waiting for you to join it? No. No. No. No. Would you like to hear me sing in my sweet little Alice blue gown? Could I have that again? I said, would you like to hear me sing in my sweet little owl's blue gown? I'd rather hear you wish on your pink no night. Stella, you're a doubting fool. Why in my day as a singer, women threw flowers at my feet.
They threw jewelry at my feet. Why? They even threw themselves at my feet. What if your feet got that you haven't got? Yeah. Look. Just do yourself it. Just a plant crack. I won't help you. Or you won't have? No. Well, I don't need your help, Abbott. My uncle Clarence Porter of Big Springs, Texas, he can yodel. Ned. He'll teach me to sing because he's a good yogurler. Wait a minute. Did your uncle Porter study yodeling? No. He taught himself. He just drinks a lot of beer and lets his stomach take it from there. I tell her that's ridiculous.
Look. What kind of what kind of voice does your uncle Paula have? Oh, he's a chiropractic tenor. A chiropractic tenor? Yeah. He sings in all the joints. No. I'm not interested in your uncle Paula singing. I I lean toward the, classical music. Beethoven's first, Mozart's second, Brahms third. Just a minute, Evan. Now? You ain't gonna pull up stuff on me for any ringing a whole new team, No. No. No. No. No. What There you are, brother. No. What Mozart's second, Beethoven's first. All I said was Beethoven's first. Mozart's You're nuts on it. Everybody knows who's on first and what's on second, and I don't know who's on first. Get him out of here.
Castell, you must be on your good behavior tonight. Do you know what to do when the Andrews sisters get here? Oh, yeah. I'll try and make a date with them. Oh, no. No. No. No. No. You're nothing of the kind. Besides, I know those girls, and you wouldn't get to first base. No. Just give me five minutes, and I'll be sliding into second. Come in. Ah, good evening, gentlemen. My name is Melon Head, better known as Casaba j Melon Head. You know, you look familiar. Didn't I see your head on a pushcart? Hey. Hey. Hey.
Please don't ever say hey. I have hay fever, and every time I hear any word with hay in it, I sneeze. Hey. Hey. I said it myself. Sneed. That's enough. Now, yeah, look. Remember, Kastela, a certain word makes this man sneeze. Have you got that? I got it all over me. Then now mister Bellingham. Mister Bellingham, what's your business? Sir, I'm an attorney at law representing the Andrews sisters. Now three weeks ago, April 1945, on this program, you had the Andrews brothers. Oh, listen. I'm talking about those guys. I hate them. You what? I hate them. Hey. Hey. Hey. You said it again. I said it again. I'm awfully sorry. I haven't the the the damage broke for the hell.
[00:08:19] Unknown:
So Fourth point.
[00:08:21] Unknown:
I haven't hung out of the bank. Oh, but you have no money in the bank. Who needs money? Get me some product. Quiet, Godzilla. What were you saying, mister Melanade? Sir, I said that three weeks ago, you had the Andrews brothers on this program. And in so doing, you did deliver the end with malice, malice, forethought, cause, create, and effect the libel against my clients, the Andrews sisters, hereinafter known as the plaintiffs. You mean they changed their names to the plaintiff sisters? No. No. No. To get dummy, he means that the Andrews sisters are suing us for slander. We need a lawyer. Ah, permit me to present myself, gentlemen. I am a lawyer. Now what seems to be your trouble? You just told us what the trouble was.
Yes. But that was when I was representing the Andrews sisters. Now as your lawyer, I see things differently. The first thing I'll do is keep you out of jail with a writ of habeas carcass. That's gonna go away, Evan. Here, Tom. I stopped it. Thank you. Double force me again, brother. I'm sorry, mister Castello. I just can't help it. Well, you don't have to chew licorice. Beto, I'm sorry. Gentlemen, where can we talk where can we talk this matter over? Well, we can get together tonight at my new colonial home. Costello, your new home isn't colonial. It's Fanny. Well, I'm no dope. I'm not gonna say hey, Siena. Hey.
Hey. Hey. Dude, will you get out of here, Melvin Head? You can't be our lawyer. How can you handle both sides of the the case? My dear boy, I have a split personality. Understand? A split personality. Now here, take this pen and sign right here, and I'll start work on your case at once. Mister Melonhead, I I think you dropped your pen. Oops. So I did. Well, I'll just pick it up. Now well, don't look now, Melanet, but I think you split your personality. Well, I'll be suing you gentlemen. Good day. Well, you brought those Andrews brothers over here. Now the Andrews sisters are suing us. Oh, don't worry, Abbot. When they get here, I'll make love to them and square the whole thing. No. You're gonna make love to three girls. You know what will happen to you? Sure. It's the same as when you make love to one girl. Only I'll get slapped three times. Uh-oh. Come in. The Andrews sisters. Costello, it's the end resistance.
[00:10:53] Unknown:
So there you are, you five gallon jug head.
[00:10:57] Unknown:
Haven't I think she means me? Quiet, Costello. I'll handle this. Ladies, you must forgive Costello for his mistakes. After all, it's it's not his fault that he's a dumb jerk. Well, whose fault is it? Oh, this name is goofier than me.
[00:11:12] Unknown:
Listen, Costello. We're suing you for $10,000.
[00:11:15] Unknown:
Miss Patty, I I'm sure you make some kind of a deal. Suppose Costello and I appear in your next picture. What about that? Well, I don't know. What can Costello do? He doesn't look like an actor to me. Is that so? Well, I was born in a theater, and it cost my father 15¢ extra. What for? What for, Costello? What for?
[00:11:33] Unknown:
I say, oh, what for?
[00:11:35] Unknown:
Well, a stork drop me in a load sheet. You're getting them too fast now. Girls, Castell was a pretty good dancer. Oh, yes. I can kick away over my head. Well, kick it over here, and we'll get you a new one.
[00:11:52] Unknown:
You know, I can sing too. I say we're thanks to that for a few weeks ago. Sure. I remember. We were home listening to that show. Yeah. That's right. And when you sang Costello, why my canary climbed down out of her cage and threw herself with a cat. Hello? Mister Costello, I think your voice is just too too Andy Devine.
[00:12:17] Unknown:
Okay. Right up my alley, brother. Listen, kids. If you want to, we'll call off the lawsuit and let Costello be in our picture. Oh, that's wonderful. Costello, now we're just a minute at out. What? Just a minute. Miss Patty, I'm a fair man. I want I want this to be a square deal. I must insist on one condition. Well, what's that? I'll appear in one of your pictures if you'll promise not to appear in any of mine.
[00:12:39] Unknown:
Well, that sounds fair to me. Oh, this kid's a lulu.
[00:12:44] Unknown:
Well, Castello, here we are at the studio. Hey. Look. Look. We're over there. That's that great Russian producer, Kartooni Technikalovich. New actor, say? You fat boy. Stand where you are. Don't move. Now turn slowly around. Now move. Get out of here. But, mister Technicolovich, we're out at Encastello, and we're here to appear on the air resistance picture. Yes, sir, mister Technicolovich. I'm a pretty good actor. Yes? Yes, sir. What pictures was you in? I don't like to brag, but did you see the picture of Dorian Gray? I certainly did. Don't you think it was hung a little crooked?
Must have made Oscar Wilde. Well, there you are, boys. Come with me. We're just about to start the picture and you boys will be co star. Yeah. But I think we're making a mistake. When this picture is over, they'll have to accentuate the positive and eliminate negative. Nah. Never mind that, Costello. When do we start, miss Andrews? They're going to shoot a scene now. Well, that scene is shot. Let's have another one.
[00:13:54] Unknown:
Andrew, sisters, you're already on the set. Oh, this is our director, mister Cliff Nassero.
[00:13:59] Unknown:
Cliff, could you use these two boys in our picture? Yes. I say so. I need a lover and a stuntman. Well, I'm a lover. And I'm stunted. Now wait a minute, Abbott. You're no lover. No. No. No. No. What do you mean? When I come on the screen, women sit up and notice me. Oh, yeah? The women who will notice you are too old to sit up.
[00:14:20] Unknown:
Folks, we're still wasting time. Why don't you explain the scene to the boys? Alright. Now boys,
[00:14:25] Unknown:
this is a very simple scene. Yes, sir. The camera catches Patty and Abbott in an embrace. Castello, you come into the room and Abbott, you walk over to the centerpiece, bring out the forces, put your saddle process, and then you have to make the sauce together with the marbles. Now how can Abbott do that to me? So why did him get away with that for that? Look, you don't stand for it. You grab Patty in your arms and as you grab it lightly for the boss, don't reach up too hard of opposite. Just pull down the castle in the midst of a tail race and bring in a force of salameter adhesive. Does that paint a picture for you? Yeah. But just smeared it down the middle a little. Why don't you pay attention? He's directing you. Costello, I want you to know that you can insult our director. Absolutely not. After all, I just told you to tap and take the course, not Belkin. All business craftsman hit with some innovators. I just want you to tap at the girl, pull her to the salsa reads all the bits of the hootons, step in love with all its other taste and every hoax that I know what I'm saying.
You and nobody else.
[00:15:27] Unknown:
Costello, there you go again, it's calling him. I can't understand you. You can't understand me.
[00:15:33] Unknown:
Can you understand him? Oh, what's the matter with you, Costello? Can't you take direction? Mister Nazaro is a famous director. Yes. Do you mean to tell me you never saw Gone with a twist of square footage? And for whom the bells hold the castle of everything in Washington? I never saw them, but I saw Guadalcanal did it. You mean you mean Guadalcanal did No. It's a dip. I've seen it twice. Oh, did you get it? Alright. Will you stop that, please? Well, let's let's get back to the scene clip. Mister Costello was just about to make love to me. Alright, Patty. Now, Costello, look. Listen once more. You fall in love with Patty and proposed to her. So it isn't just a question of grabbing her horse and giving that a little cap for the rest of it. You grab her in the costume, lift up the saw the ring, and go on the cinder b feet.
Don't you agree with me? Yeah. But what about the children? No. No. He didn't mention any children. Come on. I know. He could have. I don't know what the guy's talking about. Now listen, fatty. I've got a rep rich. I've got a reputation. Now listen, fatty. I've got a reputation, and I don't have to sit down for this because seven years ago when I first became a director, I still reinforce to the matter, D'Hell Belgrade, full Foster picture that was the greatest Salford, and I'll do it too.
[00:17:08] Unknown:
That scrutiny means every word of it.
[00:17:11] Unknown:
Look, folks. I realize I I lost my head, and there's just one thing I'd like to say. Curtis. Gee, I'm glad he said that.
[00:17:24] Unknown:
He's a nice fellow. Yes. He certainly is, Costello. Just think, after the way you treated him, why he was big enough to walk back and say,
[00:17:35] Unknown:
And that means a lot too. Yes, Lou. But what have you got to say? Oh, what can you say after Fritus? Fritus is a word.
[00:17:53] Unknown:
Listen, Lou. If you hadn't been so flattered when he came in to Thrall and Inc precipitate, he wouldn't be so palestined. Palestined? What does he want from me? What does he want from you while you've hurt his feelings? Like this very minute he may be outside guilt pending. No. No. Not guilt pending. Yeah. No.
[00:18:13] Unknown:
Abbot, come on. We haven't got a minute to lose. Where are we going? Come on. We're going outside and guilt fend with him.
Step into the world of power, loyalty, and luck. I'm gonna make him an offer he can't refuse. With family, cannolis, and spins mean everything. Now you wanna get mixed up in the family business. Introducing The Godfather Godfather at champacasino.com. Test your luck in the shadowy world of The Godfather slot. Someday, I will call upon you to do a service for me. Play The Godfather now at champacasino.com.
[00:00:28] Unknown:
Welcome to the family. No purchase necessary. VGW group. Boy prohibited by law. 18 plus. Terms and conditions apply. It is Ryan here, and I have a question for you. What do you do when you win? Like, are you a fist pumper, a woo hooer, a hand clapper, a high fiver? I kinda like the high five, but if you wanna hone in on those winning moves, check out Chumba Casino. At chumba casino dot com, choose from hundreds of social casino style games for your chance to redeem serious cash prizes. There are new game releases weekly plus free daily bonuses, so don't wait. Start having the most fun ever at chumbacasino.com.
[00:01:20] Unknown:
Alright, Godzilla. I have no clue what your weapon. Arm yourself. Calm yourself. I'm making so nervous. Oh, I just heard some terrific news, Adam. You did? Tigger has a new secret weapon that can end the war in five minutes. A secret weapon that can end the war in five minutes? What is it? A long pole with a white flag on the end of it. That's fine. It's fine. Now tell me, where were you all afternoon? Oh, where was I? Yes. I went out and got my up and got my stuff. Step it. Step it. Step it. Step it. Step it. I go already. It's so soon in the script too. Please. Alright. Now I'll save you the easy thing. I just got my uncle Arnie Stebbins a job. It's a swell job, Evan. He's a bookmaker. Why you dummy? You wind up in jail. Bookmaking is against the law. That's gambling. Yeah. But he don't gamble at it. He's a bookmaker in a bakery. A bookie.
Oh, I don't know which one is dumber. You or your uncle, Abbot. Well, I don't like to brag, Abbot, but I am. Of course, Adi is lazier than me. No. No. You mean lazier than I. Yes, sir. He's lazier than the both of us. My uncle Adi only says his prayers one night a year. No. He must be lazy. Yeah. The rest of the night, she just hops in bed and says ditto. Hold on. Let's figure let's figure it's your uncle Arnie. Now there's something I want you to do for me, Costello. Abbott, you know, there's nothing I wouldn't do for you. And there's nothing I wouldn't do for you, Craig. And there's nothing I wouldn't do for you. I know. I know. That's the way it is, folks. We just go through life doing nothing for each other. Yeah. Alright. Look. Talk sense, Costello. I I just wanted you to be sure, to behave yourself tonight because the Andrews sisters are coming over, and you've got to be careful how you handle those girls. Yeah. They have scruples. I don't care. I I've been vaccinated.
I can't catch scruples. No. No. No. You dummy. Scruples are not catchy. Scruples are principles. Scruples make a girl sweet. They do. Sure. Oh, I bought my girl some of them last night. You bought your girl some scruples? Yeah. I got a banana sprit with three scruples of ice cream. You with a knife? Look. Ice cream doesn't come in scruples. Ice cream comes in scoops. I thought chickens come in scoops. Chicken scoops. No. That one right or not. Okay. Pastella, scroobles have nothing to do with chicken. Then how did the Andrews Sisters get them? They didn't get them. A person doesn't get scroobles. Scroobles are a good trait. Now do you know what scroobles are? Yes, sir. When I turned in my Chevy for a Plymouth, they were scruples. No. What what has exchanging your Chevy for a Plymouth got to do with scruples? Well, everybody said it was a good trait.
Let's let's forget about the scruples. I don't wanna forget them. Have you said the Andrews just had scruples? That's right. Did you ever see them? No. Certainly not. Then how do you know they got them? Look, Costello. When I say when I say the girls have scruples, I don't mean they have anything wrong with them. Scruples are a trait. A trait is part of one's character, and you can't see a person's character. Yet, you know it's there. Oh, when you say they have scruples, you don't mean there's anything wrong with them. Scruples are a trait. The trait is a part of a character, and you can't see the character, yet you know it's there. No. You've got it. I don't even know what I'm talking about. Oh, wait. Oh, yeah. That's enough. Now what do you intend to do with the girls here? Well, I am going to sing for them. You're going to sing with them? Yes, Della. You know nothing about songs. Oh, no. I bet you don't even know Dixie. I do too. Alright. What is Dixie? That's the place where they make all those paper cups. No. No. No. No. No. No.
No. Soften your crescendo, chop your staccato, and smooth you your pizzicato. Oh, while you're right, I have it happen. Will you check my oil and give me $5 again? And now now, look, please. Please. Now listen. Never mind that. Listen to this. Look. Now listen. Are you gonna sing or jump? Now wait a minute. What are you doing? I'm just loosening up. That's alright. Just take a I thought you were falling apart. Stella, you're just jealous. I've been told that my voice is out of the world. And I bet a lot of people are waiting for you to join it? No. No. No. No. Would you like to hear me sing in my sweet little Alice blue gown? Could I have that again? I said, would you like to hear me sing in my sweet little owl's blue gown? I'd rather hear you wish on your pink no night. Stella, you're a doubting fool. Why in my day as a singer, women threw flowers at my feet.
They threw jewelry at my feet. Why? They even threw themselves at my feet. What if your feet got that you haven't got? Yeah. Look. Just do yourself it. Just a plant crack. I won't help you. Or you won't have? No. Well, I don't need your help, Abbott. My uncle Clarence Porter of Big Springs, Texas, he can yodel. Ned. He'll teach me to sing because he's a good yogurler. Wait a minute. Did your uncle Porter study yodeling? No. He taught himself. He just drinks a lot of beer and lets his stomach take it from there. I tell her that's ridiculous.
Look. What kind of what kind of voice does your uncle Paula have? Oh, he's a chiropractic tenor. A chiropractic tenor? Yeah. He sings in all the joints. No. I'm not interested in your uncle Paula singing. I I lean toward the, classical music. Beethoven's first, Mozart's second, Brahms third. Just a minute, Evan. Now? You ain't gonna pull up stuff on me for any ringing a whole new team, No. No. No. No. No. What There you are, brother. No. What Mozart's second, Beethoven's first. All I said was Beethoven's first. Mozart's You're nuts on it. Everybody knows who's on first and what's on second, and I don't know who's on first. Get him out of here.
Castell, you must be on your good behavior tonight. Do you know what to do when the Andrews sisters get here? Oh, yeah. I'll try and make a date with them. Oh, no. No. No. No. No. You're nothing of the kind. Besides, I know those girls, and you wouldn't get to first base. No. Just give me five minutes, and I'll be sliding into second. Come in. Ah, good evening, gentlemen. My name is Melon Head, better known as Casaba j Melon Head. You know, you look familiar. Didn't I see your head on a pushcart? Hey. Hey. Hey.
Please don't ever say hey. I have hay fever, and every time I hear any word with hay in it, I sneeze. Hey. Hey. I said it myself. Sneed. That's enough. Now, yeah, look. Remember, Kastela, a certain word makes this man sneeze. Have you got that? I got it all over me. Then now mister Bellingham. Mister Bellingham, what's your business? Sir, I'm an attorney at law representing the Andrews sisters. Now three weeks ago, April 1945, on this program, you had the Andrews brothers. Oh, listen. I'm talking about those guys. I hate them. You what? I hate them. Hey. Hey. Hey. You said it again. I said it again. I'm awfully sorry. I haven't the the the damage broke for the hell.
[00:08:19] Unknown:
So Fourth point.
[00:08:21] Unknown:
I haven't hung out of the bank. Oh, but you have no money in the bank. Who needs money? Get me some product. Quiet, Godzilla. What were you saying, mister Melanade? Sir, I said that three weeks ago, you had the Andrews brothers on this program. And in so doing, you did deliver the end with malice, malice, forethought, cause, create, and effect the libel against my clients, the Andrews sisters, hereinafter known as the plaintiffs. You mean they changed their names to the plaintiff sisters? No. No. No. To get dummy, he means that the Andrews sisters are suing us for slander. We need a lawyer. Ah, permit me to present myself, gentlemen. I am a lawyer. Now what seems to be your trouble? You just told us what the trouble was.
Yes. But that was when I was representing the Andrews sisters. Now as your lawyer, I see things differently. The first thing I'll do is keep you out of jail with a writ of habeas carcass. That's gonna go away, Evan. Here, Tom. I stopped it. Thank you. Double force me again, brother. I'm sorry, mister Castello. I just can't help it. Well, you don't have to chew licorice. Beto, I'm sorry. Gentlemen, where can we talk where can we talk this matter over? Well, we can get together tonight at my new colonial home. Costello, your new home isn't colonial. It's Fanny. Well, I'm no dope. I'm not gonna say hey, Siena. Hey.
Hey. Hey. Dude, will you get out of here, Melvin Head? You can't be our lawyer. How can you handle both sides of the the case? My dear boy, I have a split personality. Understand? A split personality. Now here, take this pen and sign right here, and I'll start work on your case at once. Mister Melonhead, I I think you dropped your pen. Oops. So I did. Well, I'll just pick it up. Now well, don't look now, Melanet, but I think you split your personality. Well, I'll be suing you gentlemen. Good day. Well, you brought those Andrews brothers over here. Now the Andrews sisters are suing us. Oh, don't worry, Abbot. When they get here, I'll make love to them and square the whole thing. No. You're gonna make love to three girls. You know what will happen to you? Sure. It's the same as when you make love to one girl. Only I'll get slapped three times. Uh-oh. Come in. The Andrews sisters. Costello, it's the end resistance.
[00:10:53] Unknown:
So there you are, you five gallon jug head.
[00:10:57] Unknown:
Haven't I think she means me? Quiet, Costello. I'll handle this. Ladies, you must forgive Costello for his mistakes. After all, it's it's not his fault that he's a dumb jerk. Well, whose fault is it? Oh, this name is goofier than me.
[00:11:12] Unknown:
Listen, Costello. We're suing you for $10,000.
[00:11:15] Unknown:
Miss Patty, I I'm sure you make some kind of a deal. Suppose Costello and I appear in your next picture. What about that? Well, I don't know. What can Costello do? He doesn't look like an actor to me. Is that so? Well, I was born in a theater, and it cost my father 15¢ extra. What for? What for, Costello? What for?
[00:11:33] Unknown:
I say, oh, what for?
[00:11:35] Unknown:
Well, a stork drop me in a load sheet. You're getting them too fast now. Girls, Castell was a pretty good dancer. Oh, yes. I can kick away over my head. Well, kick it over here, and we'll get you a new one.
[00:11:52] Unknown:
You know, I can sing too. I say we're thanks to that for a few weeks ago. Sure. I remember. We were home listening to that show. Yeah. That's right. And when you sang Costello, why my canary climbed down out of her cage and threw herself with a cat. Hello? Mister Costello, I think your voice is just too too Andy Devine.
[00:12:17] Unknown:
Okay. Right up my alley, brother. Listen, kids. If you want to, we'll call off the lawsuit and let Costello be in our picture. Oh, that's wonderful. Costello, now we're just a minute at out. What? Just a minute. Miss Patty, I'm a fair man. I want I want this to be a square deal. I must insist on one condition. Well, what's that? I'll appear in one of your pictures if you'll promise not to appear in any of mine.
[00:12:39] Unknown:
Well, that sounds fair to me. Oh, this kid's a lulu.
[00:12:44] Unknown:
Well, Castello, here we are at the studio. Hey. Look. Look. We're over there. That's that great Russian producer, Kartooni Technikalovich. New actor, say? You fat boy. Stand where you are. Don't move. Now turn slowly around. Now move. Get out of here. But, mister Technicolovich, we're out at Encastello, and we're here to appear on the air resistance picture. Yes, sir, mister Technicolovich. I'm a pretty good actor. Yes? Yes, sir. What pictures was you in? I don't like to brag, but did you see the picture of Dorian Gray? I certainly did. Don't you think it was hung a little crooked?
Must have made Oscar Wilde. Well, there you are, boys. Come with me. We're just about to start the picture and you boys will be co star. Yeah. But I think we're making a mistake. When this picture is over, they'll have to accentuate the positive and eliminate negative. Nah. Never mind that, Costello. When do we start, miss Andrews? They're going to shoot a scene now. Well, that scene is shot. Let's have another one.
[00:13:54] Unknown:
Andrew, sisters, you're already on the set. Oh, this is our director, mister Cliff Nassero.
[00:13:59] Unknown:
Cliff, could you use these two boys in our picture? Yes. I say so. I need a lover and a stuntman. Well, I'm a lover. And I'm stunted. Now wait a minute, Abbott. You're no lover. No. No. No. No. What do you mean? When I come on the screen, women sit up and notice me. Oh, yeah? The women who will notice you are too old to sit up.
[00:14:20] Unknown:
Folks, we're still wasting time. Why don't you explain the scene to the boys? Alright. Now boys,
[00:14:25] Unknown:
this is a very simple scene. Yes, sir. The camera catches Patty and Abbott in an embrace. Castello, you come into the room and Abbott, you walk over to the centerpiece, bring out the forces, put your saddle process, and then you have to make the sauce together with the marbles. Now how can Abbott do that to me? So why did him get away with that for that? Look, you don't stand for it. You grab Patty in your arms and as you grab it lightly for the boss, don't reach up too hard of opposite. Just pull down the castle in the midst of a tail race and bring in a force of salameter adhesive. Does that paint a picture for you? Yeah. But just smeared it down the middle a little. Why don't you pay attention? He's directing you. Costello, I want you to know that you can insult our director. Absolutely not. After all, I just told you to tap and take the course, not Belkin. All business craftsman hit with some innovators. I just want you to tap at the girl, pull her to the salsa reads all the bits of the hootons, step in love with all its other taste and every hoax that I know what I'm saying.
You and nobody else.
[00:15:27] Unknown:
Costello, there you go again, it's calling him. I can't understand you. You can't understand me.
[00:15:33] Unknown:
Can you understand him? Oh, what's the matter with you, Costello? Can't you take direction? Mister Nazaro is a famous director. Yes. Do you mean to tell me you never saw Gone with a twist of square footage? And for whom the bells hold the castle of everything in Washington? I never saw them, but I saw Guadalcanal did it. You mean you mean Guadalcanal did No. It's a dip. I've seen it twice. Oh, did you get it? Alright. Will you stop that, please? Well, let's let's get back to the scene clip. Mister Costello was just about to make love to me. Alright, Patty. Now, Costello, look. Listen once more. You fall in love with Patty and proposed to her. So it isn't just a question of grabbing her horse and giving that a little cap for the rest of it. You grab her in the costume, lift up the saw the ring, and go on the cinder b feet.
Don't you agree with me? Yeah. But what about the children? No. No. He didn't mention any children. Come on. I know. He could have. I don't know what the guy's talking about. Now listen, fatty. I've got a rep rich. I've got a reputation. Now listen, fatty. I've got a reputation, and I don't have to sit down for this because seven years ago when I first became a director, I still reinforce to the matter, D'Hell Belgrade, full Foster picture that was the greatest Salford, and I'll do it too.
[00:17:08] Unknown:
That scrutiny means every word of it.
[00:17:11] Unknown:
Look, folks. I realize I I lost my head, and there's just one thing I'd like to say. Curtis. Gee, I'm glad he said that.
[00:17:24] Unknown:
He's a nice fellow. Yes. He certainly is, Costello. Just think, after the way you treated him, why he was big enough to walk back and say,
[00:17:35] Unknown:
And that means a lot too. Yes, Lou. But what have you got to say? Oh, what can you say after Fritus? Fritus is a word.
[00:17:53] Unknown:
Listen, Lou. If you hadn't been so flattered when he came in to Thrall and Inc precipitate, he wouldn't be so palestined. Palestined? What does he want from me? What does he want from you while you've hurt his feelings? Like this very minute he may be outside guilt pending. No. No. Not guilt pending. Yeah. No.
[00:18:13] Unknown:
Abbot, come on. We haven't got a minute to lose. Where are we going? Come on. We're going outside and guilt fend with him.
