In this lively episode, we dive into the world of comedy and classic radio with a hilarious skit featuring Abbott and Costello. The duo engages in a series of comedic exchanges, poking fun at small-town politics, the film industry, and their own antics. Costello's attempts to navigate his role as a stuntman in their upcoming picture lead to a series of laugh-out-loud moments, showcasing the timeless humor that Abbott and Costello are known for.
We also have a special guest appearance by Dorothy Lamour, who joins the fun with her own witty banter. The episode culminates in a comedic skit set in the Sahara, where Abbott and Costello, along with Lamour, embark on a rescue mission filled with puns and slapstick humor. This episode is a delightful throwback to the golden age of radio comedy, filled with quick wit and classic gags that will leave listeners in stitches.
(00:00) Introduction to the Godfather Slot
(01:10) Costello's Comedic Antics
(03:24) Casting for a New Leading Lady
(06:28) Dorothy Lamour's Arrival
(15:01) The Desert Adventure Scene
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[00:00:00]
Unknown:
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[00:00:28] Unknown:
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[00:00:58] Unknown:
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[00:01:11] Unknown:
Oh, Costello. Stop over there. Well, good evening, your honor. What do you mean? How are you, your honor? Alright. How are you feeling, your honor? Just a minute. Sweet, your honor. Costello, please don't call me your honor around here. Abbot, don't be so modest. Ladies and gentlemen, I want you all to know that my old pal, Butt Abbott, has just been elected mayor of Sherman Oaks, California. So help me. This is no gag. It's on the level. And I say and that that's the truth. And I say, let's give his holler a holler. Let's give his honor a 50 can. Me, Kevin. Me, come on. Give him a speech. Alright.
It's a little too short of it. Make another one that we'll understand. I I didn't start yet, Costello. Come on. What are you waiting for? Go ahead. Make a speech. Okay. Ladies and gentlemen. Castello. The way he talks now, please. Now listen. No. Please. I'm very proud. My eye. I am. Never mind. I am very proud to be mayor of Terminal. It's a beautiful little town. Yes. I'll see it is. I just drove through it on the way down here, Abbott. You did? What's that little green building right next to the pool room? Oh, that's the City hall. Well, you better get out there right away. The rats are dragging it down the sword. Stella, are you insinuating that Sherman Oaks is a small town? Brother, that town is so small, the motorcycle cop goes around on roller skates.
Oh, boy. Is it a lonely place? Lonely? You heard me, Abbot. It's so lonely out there. The mosquitoes go around stinging to each other. No. No. But I like the way it's laid out. What do you mean? It's a graveyard with lights. Alright, Costello. Go ahead and laugh, but wait until next week. I I'm moving into the mayor's residence. The mayor's residence. Now there's a lovely house. Two rooms and a pet. Oh, no. Not bad pet. Alright. You wait until you see it next week. I'm going to have the most beautiful house in Sherman Oaks. I'm putting a wing on it. Why don't you put two wings on it and fly it over to Glendale? Oh, Crustello, there's no sense discussing politics with you. You're too ignorant. Ignorant? I'll have you know that in my class at school, I was a moron. A moron?
Is is that good? In my class, it's excellent. Oh, never mind politics. We have something more important to think about. We're starting our new picture at MGM next week, and we've got to find a new leading lady. Abbott, you're right. The last leading lady we had Boy, was she murdered? Why? What was wrong with her? Every time I kissed her, she sounded like she was gargling. Ma'am, what was she doing? Gargling. Well, well, you have nothing to worry about this time. Metro says we can cast the whole picture ourselves. Oh, good. Good. Well, good evening, boy. Oh, it's Ken Miles. Say, Ken. Costello and I are getting ready to test our next picture, and we are looking for a leading lady. Well, of course, my beautiful wife would be wonderful for the part. Look, Miles. We're not making a horror picture. Now look here, Costello. I'll let you know that my wife is a prized beauty. I stole her from Cary Grant. That ought to teach Grant to keep a stable door locked.
I heard that remark. It's missus Miles. Who do I owe? Sell it for you to hear. Take it easy. Little push. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. I'll have you know, Costello, but I could be a spar in Texas. Fine. By only last week, the director told me that there was character, dignity, strength, and intelligence in my face. Must have been reading between the lines. Gusto, that that's very unkind. Missus Miles has no lines in her face. Oh, no. She had a string on each ear. She'd look like a Venetian blind. Oh, CUSTOMER, there's only one reason why I don't break you in two. Well, what is it? I couldn't stand two of you.
You really sold me that time, dear. Oh, you're a card. Oh, no, Kenneth. You're a card. Oh, no. No. You're a card. Oh, why is this, Kenneth? You are a card. Well, there's a couple of old cards. They they ought to get lost in the shuffle. Alright, please. You kids are laughing before the jokes are out there.
[00:05:11] Unknown:
Like, quit arguing, Costello. Missus Niles may be just the leading lady we were looking for. Oh, thank you, miss Rabbit. Oh, but you better give me a contact at once because soon leading men are fighting over me right now. Warning. Frankenstein and Dracula.
[00:05:26] Unknown:
Oh, you bloated blubber head. Why? I can get hit by a truck and look better than you do. Not if I was driving a truck. Oh, I've never been doing so insulted since since last week. Come together. Oh, Costello. You you're always insulting people, fighting with them. I'm handsome. Why don't you be like me with dignity. I have poison personality. Yes. Everybody says you got a poison personality. Yeah. Just a minute. Ever let you do, man? Just a minute. As the mayor of Sherman Oaks, I have to mingle with the people. For instance, yesterday, I I christened a chair. Oh, what's so terrific about that? What do you mean? I'm supposed to christen an old oil tanker today right after this program. Answer that. Hello? Costello speaking. Mister Costello, this is the shipyard. Are you coming down here to christen the tanker today? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I'll be there. Well, you better bring another long, along another bottle of champagne.
Costello, we've gotta get busy and find a new leading lady for our picture. Come in.
[00:06:30] Unknown:
Pardon me. I'm looking for a gentleman.
[00:06:33] Unknown:
Well, we're at it in Castello. Alright. I'll keep on looking. Hey. Just a minute, kid. Who might you be? I might be Herbie Lamaze, but I'm not. We might be at it in Castello. Fine. And we are. We are. Certainly. I understand you two boys is making up pictures. How did you find that out? Bad news. Travel's fast. So, boys, how about the past? I'm a leading lady tight. Yeah. But your name is so ugly. You look like missus Niles with a hangover.
[00:07:04] Unknown:
Take it easy, boy. But me looks, it's no problem. In my last picture, I was beautiful. They photographed me to a cheesecloth.
[00:07:11] Unknown:
They could've photograph the cheese.
[00:07:15] Unknown:
Just a minute, miss. I'd like to know who sent you over here. I'll have you to understand. I'm a place of friend from Goldman. You think I'm a very fine actor? Goldwyn. Goldwyn. Goldwyn. Goldwyn. Do you have it? What? If she's a friend of Goldwyn, we'll have to give her a chance. You're right. You're right. Tell her, go ahead, miss. Do something. Well, I'll do for you a little poem I'm using only four digits of this assorted. Goes like this. My mother sent me to the store to buy a star pickle. The man gave me a pickle with my handy demotenet.
[00:07:48] Unknown:
What kind of poem is that? It's alright. When the guy gives you a pickle, you hand him a nickel. Nickel, pickle. Pickle, nickel. That rhyme.
[00:07:58] Unknown:
I should say a nickel for a pickle just to make it rhyme.
[00:08:05] Unknown:
Look here, miss. Are you sure Sam Goldwyn sent you over here? What's Sam Goldman? Max Goldman's idea. Max. Get out of here. Get out. Max. Max. Hey, listen, Adam. Now what kind of games are we gonna be getting in our picture while now don't get excited, Cartel? I I've already talked to Darcy Lemore, and she's, going to come over and discuss the part of our leading lady. Darcy Lemore. Yeah. Boy, oh, boy. I can hardly wait till she gets here. You know why I feel like kissing her again? Again? You ever kissed Darby Lamour? No. But once before, I felt like it. Boy, am I gonna have fun being Darby Lamour's leading man. Well, for your information, Costello, I am going to be miss Lamour's leading man. But you have a part two. You're going to be the stunt man. Stunt man. Not me, Abbott. I had a uncle who was the stunt man. He used to take his right hand and stick it in a lion's mouth. Really? What's your uncle's name? I would call him Leffy. Leffy.
Pastella, you love the part of a stuntman. You'll be all through the picture with Dorothy L'amour. Now in the opening scene, Dorothy is kidnapped by a desert sheep. He rides away with her on his horse. Look. Look. There he goes. Which way? What's the difference which way? I've got no way to look. Quiet. Look. Look. There he goes. Quiet. Quiet. Listen. We have no time to lose. We must chase after the kidnappers. Jump on your horse. Jump on my house. You land on the saddle. You're pretty sure. Yeah. Your face is dirty. My face is dirty. Your clutch is strong. How's my transmission? Okay. Ah, never mind. Your horse leaps forward. Yeah. And you give him a bit? I give him a bit. Yes. I I give him what? You give the horse a bit in his mouth.
What kind of talk is that? Give him a bit in my mouth. You mean I give him a bite in the mouth. No. No. No. Stop telling. You dig in this first. Your horse leap forward. You toss through space. Saw where? Saw is on the horse. You can say that again. Finally, we head off the kidnapper, and we must throw myself in front of the kidnapper's horse. That's where you come in. What do you mean? Well, you're the stuntman, not the rest of you, Darris wheelamore. You take my place and stop the runaway horse with your manly chest. I ain't stopping my horse with my beautiful body. No. You're listening at it. How much money do I get in this picture for the rest of my life? Why do you care about the money? It's the experience you need. Oh, so it's the experience I need. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Now the horse is running madly for you. He's proffing at the mouth. You jump in front of him and grab him by the mean. By the mean what? No. The mean. The mean. The horse is next. The horse is next? Yeah. Instead of next, what do I cast I like the romance. Oh, boy. Oh, horse. It's a horse. Just a minute. Think I'll go without a horse. What do you think? We got little horses. Never mind that. I think it's gotta Alright. Alright. Alright. There's a fierce struggle. And the horse dragged you for a hundred yards trying to throw you. Your head is bouncing over the ruts in the road. Boy, am I in a groove.
But you hang on. I hang on. You don't mind the ruts? No. I've been in a rut for years. At last, the horse stumbles over you, throws you to the ground with a terrific horse, and comes what's up? Where am I? Under the horse. That's a horse on me. And then with a sigh Wait a second. How many did you say I was gonna get for this? I said forget the money. It's the experience you need. Oh, yeah. I forgot. It's the experience that I need. Alright. Now let me continue. And then with a sigh of gratitude, Dorothy Lamour slips off the horse into her hero's palm. Into my arms?
Wait a minute. What do you mean your arms? I'm the hero. I bend down and I kiss miss Lamour. What's the big ad? My dear rabbit. I mean, I saved her. Why can't I kiss her? But, Costello, you're not being paid to kiss Dorothy Lamour. What do I care about money? It's the experience, money. Get out of here. Damn it. Is somebody riding into the studio on a horse? Woah. Pruner. Stella, look who it is. It's Dorothy Lamar.
[00:12:13] Unknown:
Well, hello, fellas. Sorry I'm late. Dorothy, what's it took so long to get here. Well, I rode over on one of Crosby's horses. Dorothy.
[00:12:21] Unknown:
Dorothy, you look beautiful tonight. You know, I've always been one of your picture fan. And I Thank you, bud. And I've always been one of your radio fan. And I I Now that I've met you, I'll be one of your personal fan. Yes. And I Now that I've met you, bud, I'll be one of your picture fans. If you don't stop getting these color, I'm gonna get pneumonia. I was one of your fans. You're one of my fans. Plus the two of you, so was Sally Rand, the star. Alright. Alright. Never mind. No anymore.
[00:12:48] Unknown:
But who in the world is this overstuffed? Rubworm. Rubworm?
[00:12:52] Unknown:
Now listen here, Dorothy. I became a star before you were born. Really? Really. And I didn't have to dress up in a torn shower curtain to do a g No. No, Costello. That's no that's no way to talk about Dorothy Lamour Serong. Why that Serong has earned a lot of money for Dorothy. Yes. I can see it runs into a nice figure. Yeah. Quiet, Costello. Dorothy, I invited you over here because I'd like you to be the leading lady in our next picture. Well, I have a picture I'm making now with King Hope and Bob Crosby. King Hope and Bob Crosby? This is Peter Wright. Kid, what kind of talk is that? Sounds like cat that's fit in the mouth.
Well, you know what I mean. Hope and Crosby. Oh, those guys. Why, they're just a couple of dolphins, ain't they?
[00:13:48] Unknown:
Don't be a caddy. Bob and Bing are very good friends of mine. Matter of fact, I call them Gabby and Flabby.
[00:13:59] Unknown:
You know, that sounds like us. I I'm Gabby. And I'm flat. Flat. So I'm low man again. Shut up, Costello. Listen, Dorothy. What's the name of the picture you're making with Pope and Crosby? Well, it's another road film. It's called Road Utopia. The Road to Lotopia?
[00:14:17] Unknown:
Utopia. It's a place where nobody works. The moon is always shining, but people just sit out under the stars and make love. That's Utopia.
[00:14:26] Unknown:
That ain't Utopia. That's Griffith Park. Listen, Donnie. Donnie, I I'm sure you'd like our picture. Well, I just took two. You know, I'm gonna spray the part of a jitterbug in a post office. That's silly. What would a jitterbug be doing in a post office? I'm standing at the stamp window getting in some hot licks. Some joke. You got it? When it comes to jokes, we got a % moron of the program. Yeah. And you're the % moron. See? Yeah. But I told you I was a moron, and you wouldn't believe me. Morons are high class jerk attack. Alright. Alright. Alright. Pay no attention to them, Donna.
In this picture, you and I are going to do a love scene. My name is Abe, and your name is Anna. I see. You're Abe, and I'm Anna. Yes. We have a little fighter, and we split up. What a picture. Abe, banana split. No. No. No. Stop that, Costello. Get out the script of our picture, and let's run through the desert scene with miss Lamour. Okay. Yeah. But here it is. Now in this scene, Johnny, you're an Arabian prison, 10 Ali. And I'm your cousin, bowling alley. You're a bowling alley? Yes. If she's gonna wear us around, I wanna be her pin boy. Boy, will I get stuck.
[00:15:50] Unknown:
You know, Costello, I think you'd make a wonderful pin boy. Do? Yes. You've got just the head for it.
[00:15:59] Unknown:
Well, let's get back to the scene. Now come on. What part do I play, Costello? You play the part of an Arabian civilian. An Arabian civilian? Wait a minute. An Arabian civilian? What's my name? Hasson been drafted. Hasson? What'd you say, Hasson been drafted? Yes. Yes. Oh, alright. So much for the part. Now let's try it out. Ken, you set the scene. Ready? Here's Ladies and gentlemen, we now present a soggy, siding saga of the Sahara, starring Dorothy Lamour and Evelyn Costello. The story is entitled, two dirty Bedouins or it's time to change the chic. As the scene opens, we see two footsthor and weary Arabs fronting across the desert. They are approaching the small town of Blemish on the chin. Curtain?
We must hurry, Costello. The lovely that's your line. Sure. Oh, boy oh, boy, Abbot. I can't take another step. This hand is terrible, and it was my line too. Yes. We must hurry, Costello. The lovely princess Benelli is being held captive by that wicked sultan, Efe Elibe. Efe Elibe has certainly gone the pot. Quiet. We're approaching the sultan's tent. Costello. That's the voice of the princess. It's coming from this tent here. Toda. You brought the tubers up in? Hello. Toda.
[00:17:36] Unknown:
It's me, princess me, your friend. Your friend's a rip. Hello, rip. What do you hear from rat?
[00:17:43] Unknown:
Oh, things are pretty rough with a rip. Rip, rip, rip, rip. Aye. Aye. Aye. Alright. Alright. Quiet. Please. Please. Wake up everyone. It's darkness, 10 princess. I can hardly see you. There she is, Abbot. Boy, she sure has gotten skinny.
[00:17:58] Unknown:
You're looking at the tent pole, stupid. I'm the one over here with the turban on my head.
[00:18:04] Unknown:
Mine. My. But that's a pretty turban. It's signed by Diana. How do you like that? The new Diana turban. Come, princess. We will help you escape from the wicked fountain. Yes. I've been in this tent so long, I'm getting flap happy. Quiet. Someone's coming. Listen. Hey. Who was that? That's Humphrey Bogart. He's walking back from Casablanca. Oh, please. You must get me out of here. The sultan is going to sell me as a slave. Don't worry, princess. We will help you get out. Escape.
[00:18:49] Unknown:
But it's but it's 500 miles across the desert. Do you have a car? Nope. Do you have a jeep? Nope. Do you have horses? Nope. But I got a wagon. But who's going to pull the wagon? My little Pekingese dog. How can a little Pekingese dog pull the three of us in a big wagon? We've got wits.
[00:19:11] Unknown:
And before we go, Dorothy, I will give you the kiss that made me famous. The kiss of fire. Like this. You might take mine. That's what I don't pay me this week. That's what I call fire.
[00:19:33] Unknown:
Better throw on some more coal.
[00:19:38] Unknown:
Hey. It's the soap at Bay Alleyway. Oh, I catch your red hand trying to steal the beautiful princess. Oh, a double feature. I get it. When I give you the signal say, how stay they'll night play? Alright. You got it? Alright. Come on. Put out the light. I've got the soft part. I've got the soft part. Let's go. Okay. Okay. Okay. Thanks. We did it, Costello. We escaped from the South. Wait a minute. We have to go back. I forgot the princess. Oh, you dummy. I've got it right here in my arm. Look. She's painted. She may be tying that up. Oh, princess. Oh, beautiful princess. Lift your veil and speak to me. Of course. Go Princess the already semifinal action.
[00:20:23] Unknown:
Yeah.
Step into the world of power, loyalty, and luck. I'm gonna make him an offer he can't refuse. With family, cannolis, and spins mean everything. Now you wanna get mixed up in the family business. Introducing the Godfather at champacasino.com. Test your luck in the shadowy world of The Godfather slot. Someday, I will call upon you to do a service for me. Play The Godfather now at champacasino.com.
[00:00:28] Unknown:
Welcome to the family. No purchase necessary. BDW Group. Boy, we're prohibited by law. 18 plus. Terms and conditions apply. Lucky Land Casino asking people what's the weirdest place you've gotten lucky. Lucky? In line at the deli, I guess? In my dentist's office. More than once, actually. Do I have to say? Yes. You do. In the car before my kids' PTA meeting. Really? Yes. Excuse me. What's the weirdest place you've gotten lucky? I never went in town. Well, there you have it. You could get lucky anywhere playing at luckylandslots.com.
[00:00:58] Unknown:
Play for free right now. Are you feeling lucky? No purchase necessary. Voice over here by law. 18 plus terms and conditions apply. See what's every details.
[00:01:11] Unknown:
Oh, Costello. Stop over there. Well, good evening, your honor. What do you mean? How are you, your honor? Alright. How are you feeling, your honor? Just a minute. Sweet, your honor. Costello, please don't call me your honor around here. Abbot, don't be so modest. Ladies and gentlemen, I want you all to know that my old pal, Butt Abbott, has just been elected mayor of Sherman Oaks, California. So help me. This is no gag. It's on the level. And I say and that that's the truth. And I say, let's give his holler a holler. Let's give his honor a 50 can. Me, Kevin. Me, come on. Give him a speech. Alright.
It's a little too short of it. Make another one that we'll understand. I I didn't start yet, Costello. Come on. What are you waiting for? Go ahead. Make a speech. Okay. Ladies and gentlemen. Castello. The way he talks now, please. Now listen. No. Please. I'm very proud. My eye. I am. Never mind. I am very proud to be mayor of Terminal. It's a beautiful little town. Yes. I'll see it is. I just drove through it on the way down here, Abbott. You did? What's that little green building right next to the pool room? Oh, that's the City hall. Well, you better get out there right away. The rats are dragging it down the sword. Stella, are you insinuating that Sherman Oaks is a small town? Brother, that town is so small, the motorcycle cop goes around on roller skates.
Oh, boy. Is it a lonely place? Lonely? You heard me, Abbot. It's so lonely out there. The mosquitoes go around stinging to each other. No. No. But I like the way it's laid out. What do you mean? It's a graveyard with lights. Alright, Costello. Go ahead and laugh, but wait until next week. I I'm moving into the mayor's residence. The mayor's residence. Now there's a lovely house. Two rooms and a pet. Oh, no. Not bad pet. Alright. You wait until you see it next week. I'm going to have the most beautiful house in Sherman Oaks. I'm putting a wing on it. Why don't you put two wings on it and fly it over to Glendale? Oh, Crustello, there's no sense discussing politics with you. You're too ignorant. Ignorant? I'll have you know that in my class at school, I was a moron. A moron?
Is is that good? In my class, it's excellent. Oh, never mind politics. We have something more important to think about. We're starting our new picture at MGM next week, and we've got to find a new leading lady. Abbott, you're right. The last leading lady we had Boy, was she murdered? Why? What was wrong with her? Every time I kissed her, she sounded like she was gargling. Ma'am, what was she doing? Gargling. Well, well, you have nothing to worry about this time. Metro says we can cast the whole picture ourselves. Oh, good. Good. Well, good evening, boy. Oh, it's Ken Miles. Say, Ken. Costello and I are getting ready to test our next picture, and we are looking for a leading lady. Well, of course, my beautiful wife would be wonderful for the part. Look, Miles. We're not making a horror picture. Now look here, Costello. I'll let you know that my wife is a prized beauty. I stole her from Cary Grant. That ought to teach Grant to keep a stable door locked.
I heard that remark. It's missus Miles. Who do I owe? Sell it for you to hear. Take it easy. Little push. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. I'll have you know, Costello, but I could be a spar in Texas. Fine. By only last week, the director told me that there was character, dignity, strength, and intelligence in my face. Must have been reading between the lines. Gusto, that that's very unkind. Missus Miles has no lines in her face. Oh, no. She had a string on each ear. She'd look like a Venetian blind. Oh, CUSTOMER, there's only one reason why I don't break you in two. Well, what is it? I couldn't stand two of you.
You really sold me that time, dear. Oh, you're a card. Oh, no, Kenneth. You're a card. Oh, no. No. You're a card. Oh, why is this, Kenneth? You are a card. Well, there's a couple of old cards. They they ought to get lost in the shuffle. Alright, please. You kids are laughing before the jokes are out there.
[00:05:11] Unknown:
Like, quit arguing, Costello. Missus Niles may be just the leading lady we were looking for. Oh, thank you, miss Rabbit. Oh, but you better give me a contact at once because soon leading men are fighting over me right now. Warning. Frankenstein and Dracula.
[00:05:26] Unknown:
Oh, you bloated blubber head. Why? I can get hit by a truck and look better than you do. Not if I was driving a truck. Oh, I've never been doing so insulted since since last week. Come together. Oh, Costello. You you're always insulting people, fighting with them. I'm handsome. Why don't you be like me with dignity. I have poison personality. Yes. Everybody says you got a poison personality. Yeah. Just a minute. Ever let you do, man? Just a minute. As the mayor of Sherman Oaks, I have to mingle with the people. For instance, yesterday, I I christened a chair. Oh, what's so terrific about that? What do you mean? I'm supposed to christen an old oil tanker today right after this program. Answer that. Hello? Costello speaking. Mister Costello, this is the shipyard. Are you coming down here to christen the tanker today? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I'll be there. Well, you better bring another long, along another bottle of champagne.
Costello, we've gotta get busy and find a new leading lady for our picture. Come in.
[00:06:30] Unknown:
Pardon me. I'm looking for a gentleman.
[00:06:33] Unknown:
Well, we're at it in Castello. Alright. I'll keep on looking. Hey. Just a minute, kid. Who might you be? I might be Herbie Lamaze, but I'm not. We might be at it in Castello. Fine. And we are. We are. Certainly. I understand you two boys is making up pictures. How did you find that out? Bad news. Travel's fast. So, boys, how about the past? I'm a leading lady tight. Yeah. But your name is so ugly. You look like missus Niles with a hangover.
[00:07:04] Unknown:
Take it easy, boy. But me looks, it's no problem. In my last picture, I was beautiful. They photographed me to a cheesecloth.
[00:07:11] Unknown:
They could've photograph the cheese.
[00:07:15] Unknown:
Just a minute, miss. I'd like to know who sent you over here. I'll have you to understand. I'm a place of friend from Goldman. You think I'm a very fine actor? Goldwyn. Goldwyn. Goldwyn. Goldwyn. Do you have it? What? If she's a friend of Goldwyn, we'll have to give her a chance. You're right. You're right. Tell her, go ahead, miss. Do something. Well, I'll do for you a little poem I'm using only four digits of this assorted. Goes like this. My mother sent me to the store to buy a star pickle. The man gave me a pickle with my handy demotenet.
[00:07:48] Unknown:
What kind of poem is that? It's alright. When the guy gives you a pickle, you hand him a nickel. Nickel, pickle. Pickle, nickel. That rhyme.
[00:07:58] Unknown:
I should say a nickel for a pickle just to make it rhyme.
[00:08:05] Unknown:
Look here, miss. Are you sure Sam Goldwyn sent you over here? What's Sam Goldman? Max Goldman's idea. Max. Get out of here. Get out. Max. Max. Hey, listen, Adam. Now what kind of games are we gonna be getting in our picture while now don't get excited, Cartel? I I've already talked to Darcy Lemore, and she's, going to come over and discuss the part of our leading lady. Darcy Lemore. Yeah. Boy, oh, boy. I can hardly wait till she gets here. You know why I feel like kissing her again? Again? You ever kissed Darby Lamour? No. But once before, I felt like it. Boy, am I gonna have fun being Darby Lamour's leading man. Well, for your information, Costello, I am going to be miss Lamour's leading man. But you have a part two. You're going to be the stunt man. Stunt man. Not me, Abbott. I had a uncle who was the stunt man. He used to take his right hand and stick it in a lion's mouth. Really? What's your uncle's name? I would call him Leffy. Leffy.
Pastella, you love the part of a stuntman. You'll be all through the picture with Dorothy L'amour. Now in the opening scene, Dorothy is kidnapped by a desert sheep. He rides away with her on his horse. Look. Look. There he goes. Which way? What's the difference which way? I've got no way to look. Quiet. Look. Look. There he goes. Quiet. Quiet. Listen. We have no time to lose. We must chase after the kidnappers. Jump on your horse. Jump on my house. You land on the saddle. You're pretty sure. Yeah. Your face is dirty. My face is dirty. Your clutch is strong. How's my transmission? Okay. Ah, never mind. Your horse leaps forward. Yeah. And you give him a bit? I give him a bit. Yes. I I give him what? You give the horse a bit in his mouth.
What kind of talk is that? Give him a bit in my mouth. You mean I give him a bite in the mouth. No. No. No. Stop telling. You dig in this first. Your horse leap forward. You toss through space. Saw where? Saw is on the horse. You can say that again. Finally, we head off the kidnapper, and we must throw myself in front of the kidnapper's horse. That's where you come in. What do you mean? Well, you're the stuntman, not the rest of you, Darris wheelamore. You take my place and stop the runaway horse with your manly chest. I ain't stopping my horse with my beautiful body. No. You're listening at it. How much money do I get in this picture for the rest of my life? Why do you care about the money? It's the experience you need. Oh, so it's the experience I need. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Now the horse is running madly for you. He's proffing at the mouth. You jump in front of him and grab him by the mean. By the mean what? No. The mean. The mean. The horse is next. The horse is next? Yeah. Instead of next, what do I cast I like the romance. Oh, boy. Oh, horse. It's a horse. Just a minute. Think I'll go without a horse. What do you think? We got little horses. Never mind that. I think it's gotta Alright. Alright. Alright. There's a fierce struggle. And the horse dragged you for a hundred yards trying to throw you. Your head is bouncing over the ruts in the road. Boy, am I in a groove.
But you hang on. I hang on. You don't mind the ruts? No. I've been in a rut for years. At last, the horse stumbles over you, throws you to the ground with a terrific horse, and comes what's up? Where am I? Under the horse. That's a horse on me. And then with a sigh Wait a second. How many did you say I was gonna get for this? I said forget the money. It's the experience you need. Oh, yeah. I forgot. It's the experience that I need. Alright. Now let me continue. And then with a sigh of gratitude, Dorothy Lamour slips off the horse into her hero's palm. Into my arms?
Wait a minute. What do you mean your arms? I'm the hero. I bend down and I kiss miss Lamour. What's the big ad? My dear rabbit. I mean, I saved her. Why can't I kiss her? But, Costello, you're not being paid to kiss Dorothy Lamour. What do I care about money? It's the experience, money. Get out of here. Damn it. Is somebody riding into the studio on a horse? Woah. Pruner. Stella, look who it is. It's Dorothy Lamar.
[00:12:13] Unknown:
Well, hello, fellas. Sorry I'm late. Dorothy, what's it took so long to get here. Well, I rode over on one of Crosby's horses. Dorothy.
[00:12:21] Unknown:
Dorothy, you look beautiful tonight. You know, I've always been one of your picture fan. And I Thank you, bud. And I've always been one of your radio fan. And I I Now that I've met you, I'll be one of your personal fan. Yes. And I Now that I've met you, bud, I'll be one of your picture fans. If you don't stop getting these color, I'm gonna get pneumonia. I was one of your fans. You're one of my fans. Plus the two of you, so was Sally Rand, the star. Alright. Alright. Never mind. No anymore.
[00:12:48] Unknown:
But who in the world is this overstuffed? Rubworm. Rubworm?
[00:12:52] Unknown:
Now listen here, Dorothy. I became a star before you were born. Really? Really. And I didn't have to dress up in a torn shower curtain to do a g No. No, Costello. That's no that's no way to talk about Dorothy Lamour Serong. Why that Serong has earned a lot of money for Dorothy. Yes. I can see it runs into a nice figure. Yeah. Quiet, Costello. Dorothy, I invited you over here because I'd like you to be the leading lady in our next picture. Well, I have a picture I'm making now with King Hope and Bob Crosby. King Hope and Bob Crosby? This is Peter Wright. Kid, what kind of talk is that? Sounds like cat that's fit in the mouth.
Well, you know what I mean. Hope and Crosby. Oh, those guys. Why, they're just a couple of dolphins, ain't they?
[00:13:48] Unknown:
Don't be a caddy. Bob and Bing are very good friends of mine. Matter of fact, I call them Gabby and Flabby.
[00:13:59] Unknown:
You know, that sounds like us. I I'm Gabby. And I'm flat. Flat. So I'm low man again. Shut up, Costello. Listen, Dorothy. What's the name of the picture you're making with Pope and Crosby? Well, it's another road film. It's called Road Utopia. The Road to Lotopia?
[00:14:17] Unknown:
Utopia. It's a place where nobody works. The moon is always shining, but people just sit out under the stars and make love. That's Utopia.
[00:14:26] Unknown:
That ain't Utopia. That's Griffith Park. Listen, Donnie. Donnie, I I'm sure you'd like our picture. Well, I just took two. You know, I'm gonna spray the part of a jitterbug in a post office. That's silly. What would a jitterbug be doing in a post office? I'm standing at the stamp window getting in some hot licks. Some joke. You got it? When it comes to jokes, we got a % moron of the program. Yeah. And you're the % moron. See? Yeah. But I told you I was a moron, and you wouldn't believe me. Morons are high class jerk attack. Alright. Alright. Alright. Pay no attention to them, Donna.
In this picture, you and I are going to do a love scene. My name is Abe, and your name is Anna. I see. You're Abe, and I'm Anna. Yes. We have a little fighter, and we split up. What a picture. Abe, banana split. No. No. No. Stop that, Costello. Get out the script of our picture, and let's run through the desert scene with miss Lamour. Okay. Yeah. But here it is. Now in this scene, Johnny, you're an Arabian prison, 10 Ali. And I'm your cousin, bowling alley. You're a bowling alley? Yes. If she's gonna wear us around, I wanna be her pin boy. Boy, will I get stuck.
[00:15:50] Unknown:
You know, Costello, I think you'd make a wonderful pin boy. Do? Yes. You've got just the head for it.
[00:15:59] Unknown:
Well, let's get back to the scene. Now come on. What part do I play, Costello? You play the part of an Arabian civilian. An Arabian civilian? Wait a minute. An Arabian civilian? What's my name? Hasson been drafted. Hasson? What'd you say, Hasson been drafted? Yes. Yes. Oh, alright. So much for the part. Now let's try it out. Ken, you set the scene. Ready? Here's Ladies and gentlemen, we now present a soggy, siding saga of the Sahara, starring Dorothy Lamour and Evelyn Costello. The story is entitled, two dirty Bedouins or it's time to change the chic. As the scene opens, we see two footsthor and weary Arabs fronting across the desert. They are approaching the small town of Blemish on the chin. Curtain?
We must hurry, Costello. The lovely that's your line. Sure. Oh, boy oh, boy, Abbot. I can't take another step. This hand is terrible, and it was my line too. Yes. We must hurry, Costello. The lovely princess Benelli is being held captive by that wicked sultan, Efe Elibe. Efe Elibe has certainly gone the pot. Quiet. We're approaching the sultan's tent. Costello. That's the voice of the princess. It's coming from this tent here. Toda. You brought the tubers up in? Hello. Toda.
[00:17:36] Unknown:
It's me, princess me, your friend. Your friend's a rip. Hello, rip. What do you hear from rat?
[00:17:43] Unknown:
Oh, things are pretty rough with a rip. Rip, rip, rip, rip. Aye. Aye. Aye. Alright. Alright. Quiet. Please. Please. Wake up everyone. It's darkness, 10 princess. I can hardly see you. There she is, Abbot. Boy, she sure has gotten skinny.
[00:17:58] Unknown:
You're looking at the tent pole, stupid. I'm the one over here with the turban on my head.
[00:18:04] Unknown:
Mine. My. But that's a pretty turban. It's signed by Diana. How do you like that? The new Diana turban. Come, princess. We will help you escape from the wicked fountain. Yes. I've been in this tent so long, I'm getting flap happy. Quiet. Someone's coming. Listen. Hey. Who was that? That's Humphrey Bogart. He's walking back from Casablanca. Oh, please. You must get me out of here. The sultan is going to sell me as a slave. Don't worry, princess. We will help you get out. Escape.
[00:18:49] Unknown:
But it's but it's 500 miles across the desert. Do you have a car? Nope. Do you have a jeep? Nope. Do you have horses? Nope. But I got a wagon. But who's going to pull the wagon? My little Pekingese dog. How can a little Pekingese dog pull the three of us in a big wagon? We've got wits.
[00:19:11] Unknown:
And before we go, Dorothy, I will give you the kiss that made me famous. The kiss of fire. Like this. You might take mine. That's what I don't pay me this week. That's what I call fire.
[00:19:33] Unknown:
Better throw on some more coal.
[00:19:38] Unknown:
Hey. It's the soap at Bay Alleyway. Oh, I catch your red hand trying to steal the beautiful princess. Oh, a double feature. I get it. When I give you the signal say, how stay they'll night play? Alright. You got it? Alright. Come on. Put out the light. I've got the soft part. I've got the soft part. Let's go. Okay. Okay. Okay. Thanks. We did it, Costello. We escaped from the South. Wait a minute. We have to go back. I forgot the princess. Oh, you dummy. I've got it right here in my arm. Look. She's painted. She may be tying that up. Oh, princess. Oh, beautiful princess. Lift your veil and speak to me. Of course. Go Princess the already semifinal action.
[00:20:23] Unknown:
Yeah.
