In this lively episode, we dive into a comedic skit featuring the classic duo, Abbott and Costello. The episode opens with a humorous exchange about winning strategies and lucky moments, setting the stage for a series of misunderstandings and comedic mishaps. As Costello prepares for his sister's wedding, chaos ensues when he fails to get the groom's pants shortened in time. This leads to a series of hilarious interactions with various characters, including a tailor, a neighbor, and even his own father, each adding their own twist to the unfolding drama.
As the wedding hour approaches, the pressure mounts, and Costello's attempts to rectify the situation only lead to more comedic blunders. From mistaken identities to miscommunications, the episode is a whirlwind of laughter and classic slapstick humor. In the end, the pants are shortened, but not without a few unexpected surprises and a lot of laughs along the way. Join us for this entertaining episode filled with timeless comedy and the unforgettable antics of Abbott and Costello.
(00:30) Winning Moves and Casino Fun
(01:04) Wedding Preparations and Pajama Confusion
(05:01) The Tailor Shop Dilemma
(10:03) Family Drama and Wedding Chaos
(15:55) The Pants Shortening Saga
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[00:00:00]
Unknown:
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[00:01:04] Unknown:
Costello. Costello.
[00:01:08] Unknown:
What in heaven's name do you mean by coming in here dressed in pajamas?
[00:01:12] Unknown:
Heaven. My sister's getting married tonight, and mom's gonna be the best man. I keep telling her to wear these things. You tell me she told you to wear evening clothes. Well, I always wear pajamas in the evening. Oh,
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never mind that.
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Where did your sister meet this man she's going to marry? Oh, he's a fireman. Yeah. He proposed to her while he was carrying out of a burning building. No. It was romantic. Must have been. But there she was with a head hanging over his shoulder, and he was saying the mostest in your life. Oh, well, he's he's a pretty fortunate man to get your sister for a while. I don't think so. She's been married once before. You know, I'd hate to be a second husband. What's wrong with being a second husband?
[00:01:50] Unknown:
I'm my wife's fifth husband.
[00:01:52] Unknown:
You're no husband. You're a habit.
[00:01:57] Unknown:
Alright. Alright. Alright. Alright. Quiet. You're
[00:02:01] Unknown:
an idiot. You're a habit, Alex. You're a habit, Alex.
[00:02:05] Unknown:
You're right. I don't care what
[00:02:08] Unknown:
Never mind what it does. You're an idiot. You don't even know what a husband is.
[00:02:13] Unknown:
A husband is not slept with a sweetheart after the nerve has been killed. All right, wise guys. What is a wife? A wife is the one who's used a lot of problems you wouldn't have had if you hadn't married, right?
[00:02:34] Unknown:
When you talk since Castello, what is your sister going to wear at the wedding? Oh, I have a beautiful
[00:02:39] Unknown:
Torso? Every bride has to have a torso.
[00:02:42] Unknown:
No. No. No. I think you mean she has that trousseau. No. He ain't gonna be there. Who won't who won't be there? Robinson trousseau. Right on. No. No. No. No. Look, Costello. This is the first wedding. You tore off her dream? Yeah. How did this bride look without a dream? She looked like a late night with a loose caboose. Alright. Never mind that Godzilla. What kind of a fellow is this man you're
[00:03:21] Unknown:
I don't like Don't? There's something wrong with him, Alex. He likes to hear the water bubbling in the bathtub.
[00:03:27] Unknown:
What? He does like to hear the water bubbling in the bathtub. Sir, that doesn't bother you.
[00:03:32] Unknown:
My head, he holds under the water. And he's very mean to animals, sir. How do you know he's mean to animals? Last night when he slept with me, he takes all my kids out of bed.
[00:03:44] Unknown:
Oh, he's probably not as bad as you try to make him. My kids out of bed. You said that one. You said that one. I'll try it again. Well, all right. You've tried once more. Hope it doesn't talk to me. All right. All right. Never mind. Louis, what is this
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man? He is a wrap up boy.
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He is a wrap up boy. Uh-oh.
[00:04:15] Unknown:
Uh-oh. That's me. I don't know. He's he's come. He's come. My brother-in-law.
[00:04:20] Unknown:
My my future brother-in-law. Love, Costello. Here's a pair of striped pants I'm gonna wear to the wedding tonight. They're four inches too long. I want you to take them to the tailor shop and have them short. Have them back here at 06:00. Do you hear? Yes. Yes. And if those pants aren't back at six, Pronto, I'll knock that pumpkin head of yours so far down inside your rib. You look like you're peeking out from behind a Venetian flag.
[00:04:44] Unknown:
That's the time my sister's gonna marry. Why do women go for big, rough, tough men when they can have free little girls boys like me?
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Just
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forget that.
[00:05:01] Unknown:
Lily, better get that guy's pants shortened before he shortened you. Take them over to my uncle Herman at the Hollywood Dry Cleaning Plant. Dry Cleaning Plant? Yes. What is your uncle Herman doing there? Well, sir, I think he's dying today.
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That's terrible.
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I could even know he was sick. Oh, he isn't sick. He's dying.
[00:05:21] Unknown:
He's dying and he ain't sick? Oh, that's right. If he was sick, he couldn't die. Why not? Always get through to the cleaning plant.
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I have lost?
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You still need to go out of time to stick? That's right. If a man is sick, they won't let him into the place to die. What do they do? Leave mommy Alley? No. No. No. No. No. He can't die in the alley. If he wants to die, he has to book at the Seventh Floor. He's gotta die on the Seventh Floor.
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Wow. Is there elephant in the place? No. No.
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No. No. No. No. If there's any dying to be done around the house, his wife does it.
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You mean his wife's gotta die too? Oh, struggling. Yeah. But what are you trying to do? Bump off the whole family? Never mind that.
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I'm
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trying to what I'm trying to tell you is that my uncle Herman has to die so we can live. If he doesn't die
[00:06:39] Unknown:
You mean he eats after his time?
[00:06:42] Unknown:
I agree. Then he dies for a while and then he eats. You mean he has to stand up to die? Well, actually, did you ever hear of anybody dying lying down? What if people ever look at it? No, look, if they can't lie down on the job, he's got to be dying by 06:00. If he dies after six, don't forget if he dies after six, he gets time and a half.
[00:07:20] Unknown:
You mean he gets paid for dying? Oh, yes, yes. Please work. Oh, he dies for peace and a time.
[00:07:27] Unknown:
Look,
[00:07:28] Unknown:
It's a slow dick. No. No. No. No. He's gonna die. Look. When I say uncle Herman is dying, I don't mean that he's dying like a person dies when he dies. I mean, he's dying for a living, and a person dies for a living is a living, though he's dying.
[00:07:39] Unknown:
Oh, when you say that uncle Herman is dying, you don't mean that he's dying like a person dies when he dies. You mean he is dying for a living and a person dies for a living, is living also he dies. Now you've got it. Now I've got it. I don't even know what I'm talking about.
[00:08:08] Unknown:
What is it, Mr. Rapperbot? Where is that prospective brother-in-law of mine? Isn't he back with my pants yet? No. He isn't. I imagine he had to wait. You know, Taylor's a pretty busy now. I know that stupid Costello. He's probably standing at a street corner, waking his girls. Oh, mister Izzie Rapoport. Costello is not interested in girls, and you know it. No. Then why does he call Grier Gartner on the phone every night and say Costello's back? It's better cable. Listen, Abba. I've got thirty minutes to get dressed. If he doesn't get back to his nose pants, I can't marry his sister. Send Costello off to my room as soon as he gets back. Tell us about time you got here. Rappaport has been down here yelling for his pants. Get him short like he said. No. The other shop was closed when I got there at 06:00.
[00:08:50] Unknown:
Less than 03:00. Where have you been? Well, I was walking up Hollywood Boulevard. There was a there was a picture there. I just had a scene. How that blonde could net them Wait a minute. Now there's no blonde in Lassie Comes Home. No, but there was one with me in the balcony.
[00:09:18] Unknown:
Look, Crisella, what are you going to do? Will you listen to me, please? What are you going to do? Rappaport said that if you didn't get the pants shortened, it's called a wedding off. Yeah. But let's go across the hall and wish you missus Myers. Maybe she'll shorten it for me. Alright.
[00:09:35] Unknown:
Oh, rabbit. Oh, I see you boys are moving. You had your overstuffed sofa out in the hall. Oh, pardon me. That's Costello. Missus Brown, I had some over to argue with you tonight. My sister is getting married in half an hour, and I gotta have the goose pants, Jordan. You have a lot of nerve coming to me with your sewing. Whoever gave you the idea that I could use a needle and thread. Everybody take you an old sew and sew. Mrs. Niles, can you please help Castello? I'm sorry, mister Evans, but I'm going up. I'm going to the dog show, and I expect to be in a blue ribbon with my pet. Well, I hope you win it. Costello, I refuse to talk to you.
[00:10:24] Unknown:
Now what are you going to do, Costello? You still haven't got the pants shot. Wait a minute, Abbott. There's a little tailor shop right around the corner that stays open till quarter seven. Come on, you've only got one minute to make it.
[00:10:36] Unknown:
I have a have it. You have a plan. I read everything in a script.
[00:10:45] Unknown:
Hey, have
[00:10:47] Unknown:
it. There's a telecut there and there's still a lot of new windows. Hey,
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look, I tell us Melanin. No, I can't talk to you now. I've got to get this telecut. I've got to get these pants shortened because my sister is getting married tonight to a fellow named Indi Rapaport. Indi Rapaport, she's too good to marry a guy like my brother Johnny. Oh, no. I'd like to see him married to your brother. Fine thing. My brother has a wife and 16 kids, but you want him to throw his first wife out and marry your sister. He shouldn't throw our first wife. Oh, they should all live together.
[00:11:13] Unknown:
Go on. Tell everybody my brother's a bigamy. Your brother's not a bigamy. I suppose that Hawaiian girl he married the other day was his grandmother. Look, you're gonna have two wives. You're gonna have two wives. Go ahead. Get it out so his third wife will hear you in Kentucky.
[00:11:27] Unknown:
Look, go ahead. You guys should smile to all those women. Marriage is a beautiful thing. It makes much a
[00:11:33] Unknown:
My wife pulled out all my hair because she's happy, Look, go ahead. If you don't like your wife, then why did you marry her? My wife happened to be my school teacher for seven years. Well, you didn't have to marry your school teacher. I suppose you know a better way to get out of the fourth grade.
[00:11:49] Unknown:
Mariah, why don't you pretend your wife? I know your wife, but she's having a good wife to be. And why does she always go out without wearing her wedding ring? Well, that's very bad. You should make your wife wear her wedding ring all the time. Oh, day and night. Just getting the pawnshop. You mean that you pawned your wife's wedding ring? I certainly couldn't get a nickel on her. You're gonna like to talk like that. Your wife was scorching tariff pure gold. And why does she turn green every spring?
[00:12:17] Unknown:
Look at the other man pulling the chains down on the tailor's up. He closed now. Oh, I can pull this quote, madam. You can be good and mad now. You and me are gonna fight this thing out. Okay. I'm ready to fight. You see the sweet truck? Well I'm gonna throw a line right across the sidewalk. Go ahead and cross. Now, okay. I'm gonna throw a line across the sidewalk. Well, go ahead to what? To what? I'm daring you to step across that line. You're daring me to step across that line? I dare you to step across that line. Across that line. Two little pits, we can't step across the line there. I'm across the line.
I'm across the line.
[00:12:45] Unknown:
I'm across the white line. Now what? Now you're on my side.
[00:12:54] Unknown:
Come in. Mister Abbott, is my brother Louis here? Oh, hello, Marie. Castelli, your sister is here. Hi, Marie. Are you all ready for the wedding? What wedding? Izzy refuses to go through with the wedding without his striped hat. He says he gave them to you to be shortened. Now where are they?
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Just I didn't get them shortened. I went to a movie with that little blonde next door, Tuffy Tinfoil.
[00:13:15] Unknown:
Tuffy Tinfoil?
[00:13:16] Unknown:
Can't mama tell you to stay away from her? Oh, but she's such a nice girl. She works in a candy factory. She's a mechanic. A mechanic in a candy factory? Yeah. She tightens the nuts on peanut brittle.
[00:13:27] Unknown:
That's
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fine. Pastella, stop this silliness clean. Yes, Louis. Do you realize that you're wrecking my marriage? I don't know why is he gave you the pants in the first place. You never do anything right. You nearly ruined my first marriage. What did I do? I told you to stand outside the church door and to throw rice on us when we came out. You ruined our clothes. Ruined your clothes? Just tell her, what kind of rice did you throw?
[00:13:52] Unknown:
Right. I rice. Would I fool you, hon?
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And then and then you deliberately pushed me out of the cab and went away with my husband on my honeymoon.
[00:14:09] Unknown:
But Jesus, I've never seen Niagara Falls.
[00:14:14] Unknown:
Come on over and kiss your pearl of butter.
[00:14:18] Unknown:
I don't know why I have to have to be an idiot for a brother. Louis Costello, if this wedding doesn't go through tonight, I'll never speak to you again as long as I live. I hate you.
[00:14:31] Unknown:
Well, Costello, you've certainly messed things up again. I guess I'm just no good at it. I hope my scalp master don't hear about this. He'll take my scalp and away from me, and then everybody will point their finger at me, and they will laugh. Wait a minute. And they will see every oh, they'll laugh so hard. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Does the pin mean that much to you, Costello? Yes, sir. It holds up my pants. I
[00:14:56] Unknown:
oh, drop it.
[00:14:57] Unknown:
Costello, wait a minute. Here comes the actress, bestie named Mucho. Oh, maybe she can shorten the pants for me. Yeah. Miss Mucho, I'm in an awful fix. I had to get the groom's pants shortened for my sister's wedding, and all the teles shops are closed. Could you shorten them for me? I'm sorry, miss Costello. I'm just leaving for Santa Monica.
[00:15:12] Unknown:
I've been invited to a I'm going to a card party at the home of that famous author, Spencer Trosti.
[00:15:21] Unknown:
Spencer Trossi.
[00:15:23] Unknown:
Oh, Abby, you know who Spencer Trossi is. He lives right next door at the Clark Google.
[00:15:31] Unknown:
We're going to play a few pawns of Jean Rumi.
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Gene Rumi?
[00:15:36] Unknown:
Yes. Don't you just adore a thrilling game of Gene Rumi?
[00:15:40] Unknown:
My favorite game is too good, Booker.
[00:15:47] Unknown:
Sir, boys, I hope you get the point, Jordan. But I may say in Spanish, a half a million, amigos. And a half a banana, some tomato, and a half a banana, some tomato, and a half a banana. Hey, Stella. Please. Do you realize that the wedding starts in ten minutes, and you haven't got those pants shortened yet? And what am I gonna do? What's my, ladies? Oh, pays. They're old friends, Scotty Brown. Laddies, I came over here to the wedding to offer my services. I'd like to drive the bride and groom to the railroad station. I go to all the weddings in town, and I always drive the happy couple. Yes, please. That's it, Scotty? No, laddies. It's downhill to the railroad station. And I always get the old shoes that are tied to the back of the car. Look, Scotty. Please. Castell is in trouble. He was supposed to get a pair of pants shortened for the groom, and he didn't do it. Scotty, you think your wife could shorten the four inches for me? I'm sorry, lady, but my wife is very busy today. She went out in the chicken coop and discovered that our satin hen was gone. Is she out looking for the hen? No. She has to stay home and sit on the yay.
Yay. Come on, ladies.
[00:16:47] Unknown:
Well, Preston, what are you going to do? Holy jump up and sit down. It's my father. Just a minute, Louis. Don't try to hide under that table. Come here to me. You look mad. What's the matter? You know what's the matter. You ruined your sister's wedding. Just think that you couldn't do a little thing like getting a pair of pants shortened. How could you hurt us like after all we've done for you? Why, I can remember when you were going to kindergarten. I went to school with you every morning and came home with you every afternoon.
[00:17:14] Unknown:
You didn't even appreciate that. Well, love. You had a kid slapped at me. Why should they laugh at you? I thought it was funny. Me and my father was in the same grade.
[00:17:26] Unknown:
That's enough of this. Your sister is out in the kitchen, crying her hot heart. Izzy Rappaport refuses to come out of his room until he gets his striped pants. I hate to say this to my own son, but Louis Costello, get out of this house and don't ever darken my door again.
[00:17:43] Unknown:
Have it, Taco, me and my own father are breaking up. Now I won't have anybody to play jacks with. I'm sorry, Lou, but you brought it on yourself. Abbot, I'm going upstairs. I'm gonna pack my things and get out of here. What about the pants, Castello? They're right there on the table. Goodbye, Abbot.
[00:18:02] Unknown:
Goodbye, Lou. I guess there isn't going to be any wedding, Mrs. Niles. I still didn't get the pants shot and his father just ordered them out of the house. I'm going up and help him pack. I'll see you later.
[00:18:22] Unknown:
Oh, oh, cartel. Being ordered out of the house on account of a pair of pants. He's a little stinker, but I should've shortened them when he asked me to. Hey. It isn't too late to do it right now. There's a pants lying there on the table. I'll just take them over to my apartment, cut off the four inches and bring them back. Oh my. I feel so much better. Won't Carcela be surprised when he finds out I shortened the pants? I'll just put them back on the table here.
[00:18:55] Unknown:
Mr. Robert? Costello? Hello, Scotty. I haven't got time to talk to you. Costello's father just ordered the model of the house because he didn't get the pants shortened for the wedding. I've got to call or text me. There's no reason why my wife couldn't shorten the pants while she's sitting on the eggs. I'll take them home now. So this is the way we shortened pants to shorten pants. Well, there's the pants all shortened and everything. Didn't take the wife no time to fix them. And with a four inches I cut off each leg, we made a nice pair of drapes from the bathroom window. Well, I'll just drop them back here on the table.
Hurry up. Okay. I can't let that seller go like this. Why we've always been together as long as I can remember. We even worked hard together as kids. I can remember on those cold winter nights, I'd hold the lantern and each hop the wood. The things that a pair of pants that come between us. Hey, wait a minute. I wonder if I'd bust the things up if I try to sharpen myself. Hey, no. Here's a pair of scissors and some glue. I'll cut off four inches and glue the end up. He won't know that. There we are, all done.
[00:20:38] Unknown:
Now I'm I'm ready to go.
[00:20:40] Unknown:
This is goodbye, old friend. Hello. I've got a surprise for you. You don't have to go. I shortened the pants for you. You shortened the pants, Abbott?
[00:20:50] Unknown:
Abbott, let's make this a double wedding. A double wedding? What do you mean? I didn't know you could sell.
[00:20:58] Unknown:
Well, Costello, wear my pants.
[00:21:00] Unknown:
Here we are, Mr. Rapacort. All shortened and everything.
[00:21:04] Unknown:
Okay. I'll go in this room and put them on.
[00:21:07] Unknown:
Yeah, but I guess I won't have to leave room after all.
[00:21:11] Unknown:
How do I look in the pants?
[00:21:19] Unknown:
Hey, I didn't know you was coming to the wedding, Napoleon. Napoleon?
[00:21:23] Unknown:
Napoleon, do I look like Napoleon? You do in those short pants, you're showing your pony parts.
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[00:01:04] Unknown:
Costello. Costello.
[00:01:08] Unknown:
What in heaven's name do you mean by coming in here dressed in pajamas?
[00:01:12] Unknown:
Heaven. My sister's getting married tonight, and mom's gonna be the best man. I keep telling her to wear these things. You tell me she told you to wear evening clothes. Well, I always wear pajamas in the evening. Oh,
[00:01:22] Unknown:
never mind that.
[00:01:24] Unknown:
Where did your sister meet this man she's going to marry? Oh, he's a fireman. Yeah. He proposed to her while he was carrying out of a burning building. No. It was romantic. Must have been. But there she was with a head hanging over his shoulder, and he was saying the mostest in your life. Oh, well, he's he's a pretty fortunate man to get your sister for a while. I don't think so. She's been married once before. You know, I'd hate to be a second husband. What's wrong with being a second husband?
[00:01:50] Unknown:
I'm my wife's fifth husband.
[00:01:52] Unknown:
You're no husband. You're a habit.
[00:01:57] Unknown:
Alright. Alright. Alright. Alright. Quiet. You're
[00:02:01] Unknown:
an idiot. You're a habit, Alex. You're a habit, Alex.
[00:02:05] Unknown:
You're right. I don't care what
[00:02:08] Unknown:
Never mind what it does. You're an idiot. You don't even know what a husband is.
[00:02:13] Unknown:
A husband is not slept with a sweetheart after the nerve has been killed. All right, wise guys. What is a wife? A wife is the one who's used a lot of problems you wouldn't have had if you hadn't married, right?
[00:02:34] Unknown:
When you talk since Castello, what is your sister going to wear at the wedding? Oh, I have a beautiful
[00:02:39] Unknown:
Torso? Every bride has to have a torso.
[00:02:42] Unknown:
No. No. No. I think you mean she has that trousseau. No. He ain't gonna be there. Who won't who won't be there? Robinson trousseau. Right on. No. No. No. No. Look, Costello. This is the first wedding. You tore off her dream? Yeah. How did this bride look without a dream? She looked like a late night with a loose caboose. Alright. Never mind that Godzilla. What kind of a fellow is this man you're
[00:03:21] Unknown:
I don't like Don't? There's something wrong with him, Alex. He likes to hear the water bubbling in the bathtub.
[00:03:27] Unknown:
What? He does like to hear the water bubbling in the bathtub. Sir, that doesn't bother you.
[00:03:32] Unknown:
My head, he holds under the water. And he's very mean to animals, sir. How do you know he's mean to animals? Last night when he slept with me, he takes all my kids out of bed.
[00:03:44] Unknown:
Oh, he's probably not as bad as you try to make him. My kids out of bed. You said that one. You said that one. I'll try it again. Well, all right. You've tried once more. Hope it doesn't talk to me. All right. All right. Never mind. Louis, what is this
[00:04:06] Unknown:
man? He is a wrap up boy.
[00:04:09] Unknown:
He is a wrap up boy. Uh-oh.
[00:04:15] Unknown:
Uh-oh. That's me. I don't know. He's he's come. He's come. My brother-in-law.
[00:04:20] Unknown:
My my future brother-in-law. Love, Costello. Here's a pair of striped pants I'm gonna wear to the wedding tonight. They're four inches too long. I want you to take them to the tailor shop and have them short. Have them back here at 06:00. Do you hear? Yes. Yes. And if those pants aren't back at six, Pronto, I'll knock that pumpkin head of yours so far down inside your rib. You look like you're peeking out from behind a Venetian flag.
[00:04:44] Unknown:
That's the time my sister's gonna marry. Why do women go for big, rough, tough men when they can have free little girls boys like me?
[00:04:56] Unknown:
Just
[00:04:59] Unknown:
forget that.
[00:05:01] Unknown:
Lily, better get that guy's pants shortened before he shortened you. Take them over to my uncle Herman at the Hollywood Dry Cleaning Plant. Dry Cleaning Plant? Yes. What is your uncle Herman doing there? Well, sir, I think he's dying today.
[00:05:13] Unknown:
That's terrible.
[00:05:17] Unknown:
I could even know he was sick. Oh, he isn't sick. He's dying.
[00:05:21] Unknown:
He's dying and he ain't sick? Oh, that's right. If he was sick, he couldn't die. Why not? Always get through to the cleaning plant.
[00:05:28] Unknown:
I have lost?
[00:05:30] Unknown:
You still need to go out of time to stick? That's right. If a man is sick, they won't let him into the place to die. What do they do? Leave mommy Alley? No. No. No. No. No. He can't die in the alley. If he wants to die, he has to book at the Seventh Floor. He's gotta die on the Seventh Floor.
[00:05:45] Unknown:
Wow. Is there elephant in the place? No. No.
[00:06:03] Unknown:
No. No. No. No. If there's any dying to be done around the house, his wife does it.
[00:06:10] Unknown:
You mean his wife's gotta die too? Oh, struggling. Yeah. But what are you trying to do? Bump off the whole family? Never mind that.
[00:06:31] Unknown:
I'm
[00:06:33] Unknown:
trying to what I'm trying to tell you is that my uncle Herman has to die so we can live. If he doesn't die
[00:06:39] Unknown:
You mean he eats after his time?
[00:06:42] Unknown:
I agree. Then he dies for a while and then he eats. You mean he has to stand up to die? Well, actually, did you ever hear of anybody dying lying down? What if people ever look at it? No, look, if they can't lie down on the job, he's got to be dying by 06:00. If he dies after six, don't forget if he dies after six, he gets time and a half.
[00:07:20] Unknown:
You mean he gets paid for dying? Oh, yes, yes. Please work. Oh, he dies for peace and a time.
[00:07:27] Unknown:
Look,
[00:07:28] Unknown:
It's a slow dick. No. No. No. No. He's gonna die. Look. When I say uncle Herman is dying, I don't mean that he's dying like a person dies when he dies. I mean, he's dying for a living, and a person dies for a living is a living, though he's dying.
[00:07:39] Unknown:
Oh, when you say that uncle Herman is dying, you don't mean that he's dying like a person dies when he dies. You mean he is dying for a living and a person dies for a living, is living also he dies. Now you've got it. Now I've got it. I don't even know what I'm talking about.
[00:08:08] Unknown:
What is it, Mr. Rapperbot? Where is that prospective brother-in-law of mine? Isn't he back with my pants yet? No. He isn't. I imagine he had to wait. You know, Taylor's a pretty busy now. I know that stupid Costello. He's probably standing at a street corner, waking his girls. Oh, mister Izzie Rapoport. Costello is not interested in girls, and you know it. No. Then why does he call Grier Gartner on the phone every night and say Costello's back? It's better cable. Listen, Abba. I've got thirty minutes to get dressed. If he doesn't get back to his nose pants, I can't marry his sister. Send Costello off to my room as soon as he gets back. Tell us about time you got here. Rappaport has been down here yelling for his pants. Get him short like he said. No. The other shop was closed when I got there at 06:00.
[00:08:50] Unknown:
Less than 03:00. Where have you been? Well, I was walking up Hollywood Boulevard. There was a there was a picture there. I just had a scene. How that blonde could net them Wait a minute. Now there's no blonde in Lassie Comes Home. No, but there was one with me in the balcony.
[00:09:18] Unknown:
Look, Crisella, what are you going to do? Will you listen to me, please? What are you going to do? Rappaport said that if you didn't get the pants shortened, it's called a wedding off. Yeah. But let's go across the hall and wish you missus Myers. Maybe she'll shorten it for me. Alright.
[00:09:35] Unknown:
Oh, rabbit. Oh, I see you boys are moving. You had your overstuffed sofa out in the hall. Oh, pardon me. That's Costello. Missus Brown, I had some over to argue with you tonight. My sister is getting married in half an hour, and I gotta have the goose pants, Jordan. You have a lot of nerve coming to me with your sewing. Whoever gave you the idea that I could use a needle and thread. Everybody take you an old sew and sew. Mrs. Niles, can you please help Castello? I'm sorry, mister Evans, but I'm going up. I'm going to the dog show, and I expect to be in a blue ribbon with my pet. Well, I hope you win it. Costello, I refuse to talk to you.
[00:10:24] Unknown:
Now what are you going to do, Costello? You still haven't got the pants shot. Wait a minute, Abbott. There's a little tailor shop right around the corner that stays open till quarter seven. Come on, you've only got one minute to make it.
[00:10:36] Unknown:
I have a have it. You have a plan. I read everything in a script.
[00:10:45] Unknown:
Hey, have
[00:10:47] Unknown:
it. There's a telecut there and there's still a lot of new windows. Hey,
[00:10:51] Unknown:
look, I tell us Melanin. No, I can't talk to you now. I've got to get this telecut. I've got to get these pants shortened because my sister is getting married tonight to a fellow named Indi Rapaport. Indi Rapaport, she's too good to marry a guy like my brother Johnny. Oh, no. I'd like to see him married to your brother. Fine thing. My brother has a wife and 16 kids, but you want him to throw his first wife out and marry your sister. He shouldn't throw our first wife. Oh, they should all live together.
[00:11:13] Unknown:
Go on. Tell everybody my brother's a bigamy. Your brother's not a bigamy. I suppose that Hawaiian girl he married the other day was his grandmother. Look, you're gonna have two wives. You're gonna have two wives. Go ahead. Get it out so his third wife will hear you in Kentucky.
[00:11:27] Unknown:
Look, go ahead. You guys should smile to all those women. Marriage is a beautiful thing. It makes much a
[00:11:33] Unknown:
My wife pulled out all my hair because she's happy, Look, go ahead. If you don't like your wife, then why did you marry her? My wife happened to be my school teacher for seven years. Well, you didn't have to marry your school teacher. I suppose you know a better way to get out of the fourth grade.
[00:11:49] Unknown:
Mariah, why don't you pretend your wife? I know your wife, but she's having a good wife to be. And why does she always go out without wearing her wedding ring? Well, that's very bad. You should make your wife wear her wedding ring all the time. Oh, day and night. Just getting the pawnshop. You mean that you pawned your wife's wedding ring? I certainly couldn't get a nickel on her. You're gonna like to talk like that. Your wife was scorching tariff pure gold. And why does she turn green every spring?
[00:12:17] Unknown:
Look at the other man pulling the chains down on the tailor's up. He closed now. Oh, I can pull this quote, madam. You can be good and mad now. You and me are gonna fight this thing out. Okay. I'm ready to fight. You see the sweet truck? Well I'm gonna throw a line right across the sidewalk. Go ahead and cross. Now, okay. I'm gonna throw a line across the sidewalk. Well, go ahead to what? To what? I'm daring you to step across that line. You're daring me to step across that line? I dare you to step across that line. Across that line. Two little pits, we can't step across the line there. I'm across the line.
I'm across the line.
[00:12:45] Unknown:
I'm across the white line. Now what? Now you're on my side.
[00:12:54] Unknown:
Come in. Mister Abbott, is my brother Louis here? Oh, hello, Marie. Castelli, your sister is here. Hi, Marie. Are you all ready for the wedding? What wedding? Izzy refuses to go through with the wedding without his striped hat. He says he gave them to you to be shortened. Now where are they?
[00:13:10] Unknown:
Just I didn't get them shortened. I went to a movie with that little blonde next door, Tuffy Tinfoil.
[00:13:15] Unknown:
Tuffy Tinfoil?
[00:13:16] Unknown:
Can't mama tell you to stay away from her? Oh, but she's such a nice girl. She works in a candy factory. She's a mechanic. A mechanic in a candy factory? Yeah. She tightens the nuts on peanut brittle.
[00:13:27] Unknown:
That's
[00:13:29] Unknown:
fine. Pastella, stop this silliness clean. Yes, Louis. Do you realize that you're wrecking my marriage? I don't know why is he gave you the pants in the first place. You never do anything right. You nearly ruined my first marriage. What did I do? I told you to stand outside the church door and to throw rice on us when we came out. You ruined our clothes. Ruined your clothes? Just tell her, what kind of rice did you throw?
[00:13:52] Unknown:
Right. I rice. Would I fool you, hon?
[00:14:03] Unknown:
And then and then you deliberately pushed me out of the cab and went away with my husband on my honeymoon.
[00:14:09] Unknown:
But Jesus, I've never seen Niagara Falls.
[00:14:14] Unknown:
Come on over and kiss your pearl of butter.
[00:14:18] Unknown:
I don't know why I have to have to be an idiot for a brother. Louis Costello, if this wedding doesn't go through tonight, I'll never speak to you again as long as I live. I hate you.
[00:14:31] Unknown:
Well, Costello, you've certainly messed things up again. I guess I'm just no good at it. I hope my scalp master don't hear about this. He'll take my scalp and away from me, and then everybody will point their finger at me, and they will laugh. Wait a minute. And they will see every oh, they'll laugh so hard. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Does the pin mean that much to you, Costello? Yes, sir. It holds up my pants. I
[00:14:56] Unknown:
oh, drop it.
[00:14:57] Unknown:
Costello, wait a minute. Here comes the actress, bestie named Mucho. Oh, maybe she can shorten the pants for me. Yeah. Miss Mucho, I'm in an awful fix. I had to get the groom's pants shortened for my sister's wedding, and all the teles shops are closed. Could you shorten them for me? I'm sorry, miss Costello. I'm just leaving for Santa Monica.
[00:15:12] Unknown:
I've been invited to a I'm going to a card party at the home of that famous author, Spencer Trosti.
[00:15:21] Unknown:
Spencer Trossi.
[00:15:23] Unknown:
Oh, Abby, you know who Spencer Trossi is. He lives right next door at the Clark Google.
[00:15:31] Unknown:
We're going to play a few pawns of Jean Rumi.
[00:15:35] Unknown:
Gene Rumi?
[00:15:36] Unknown:
Yes. Don't you just adore a thrilling game of Gene Rumi?
[00:15:40] Unknown:
My favorite game is too good, Booker.
[00:15:47] Unknown:
Sir, boys, I hope you get the point, Jordan. But I may say in Spanish, a half a million, amigos. And a half a banana, some tomato, and a half a banana, some tomato, and a half a banana. Hey, Stella. Please. Do you realize that the wedding starts in ten minutes, and you haven't got those pants shortened yet? And what am I gonna do? What's my, ladies? Oh, pays. They're old friends, Scotty Brown. Laddies, I came over here to the wedding to offer my services. I'd like to drive the bride and groom to the railroad station. I go to all the weddings in town, and I always drive the happy couple. Yes, please. That's it, Scotty? No, laddies. It's downhill to the railroad station. And I always get the old shoes that are tied to the back of the car. Look, Scotty. Please. Castell is in trouble. He was supposed to get a pair of pants shortened for the groom, and he didn't do it. Scotty, you think your wife could shorten the four inches for me? I'm sorry, lady, but my wife is very busy today. She went out in the chicken coop and discovered that our satin hen was gone. Is she out looking for the hen? No. She has to stay home and sit on the yay.
Yay. Come on, ladies.
[00:16:47] Unknown:
Well, Preston, what are you going to do? Holy jump up and sit down. It's my father. Just a minute, Louis. Don't try to hide under that table. Come here to me. You look mad. What's the matter? You know what's the matter. You ruined your sister's wedding. Just think that you couldn't do a little thing like getting a pair of pants shortened. How could you hurt us like after all we've done for you? Why, I can remember when you were going to kindergarten. I went to school with you every morning and came home with you every afternoon.
[00:17:14] Unknown:
You didn't even appreciate that. Well, love. You had a kid slapped at me. Why should they laugh at you? I thought it was funny. Me and my father was in the same grade.
[00:17:26] Unknown:
That's enough of this. Your sister is out in the kitchen, crying her hot heart. Izzy Rappaport refuses to come out of his room until he gets his striped pants. I hate to say this to my own son, but Louis Costello, get out of this house and don't ever darken my door again.
[00:17:43] Unknown:
Have it, Taco, me and my own father are breaking up. Now I won't have anybody to play jacks with. I'm sorry, Lou, but you brought it on yourself. Abbot, I'm going upstairs. I'm gonna pack my things and get out of here. What about the pants, Castello? They're right there on the table. Goodbye, Abbot.
[00:18:02] Unknown:
Goodbye, Lou. I guess there isn't going to be any wedding, Mrs. Niles. I still didn't get the pants shot and his father just ordered them out of the house. I'm going up and help him pack. I'll see you later.
[00:18:22] Unknown:
Oh, oh, cartel. Being ordered out of the house on account of a pair of pants. He's a little stinker, but I should've shortened them when he asked me to. Hey. It isn't too late to do it right now. There's a pants lying there on the table. I'll just take them over to my apartment, cut off the four inches and bring them back. Oh my. I feel so much better. Won't Carcela be surprised when he finds out I shortened the pants? I'll just put them back on the table here.
[00:18:55] Unknown:
Mr. Robert? Costello? Hello, Scotty. I haven't got time to talk to you. Costello's father just ordered the model of the house because he didn't get the pants shortened for the wedding. I've got to call or text me. There's no reason why my wife couldn't shorten the pants while she's sitting on the eggs. I'll take them home now. So this is the way we shortened pants to shorten pants. Well, there's the pants all shortened and everything. Didn't take the wife no time to fix them. And with a four inches I cut off each leg, we made a nice pair of drapes from the bathroom window. Well, I'll just drop them back here on the table.
Hurry up. Okay. I can't let that seller go like this. Why we've always been together as long as I can remember. We even worked hard together as kids. I can remember on those cold winter nights, I'd hold the lantern and each hop the wood. The things that a pair of pants that come between us. Hey, wait a minute. I wonder if I'd bust the things up if I try to sharpen myself. Hey, no. Here's a pair of scissors and some glue. I'll cut off four inches and glue the end up. He won't know that. There we are, all done.
[00:20:38] Unknown:
Now I'm I'm ready to go.
[00:20:40] Unknown:
This is goodbye, old friend. Hello. I've got a surprise for you. You don't have to go. I shortened the pants for you. You shortened the pants, Abbott?
[00:20:50] Unknown:
Abbott, let's make this a double wedding. A double wedding? What do you mean? I didn't know you could sell.
[00:20:58] Unknown:
Well, Costello, wear my pants.
[00:21:00] Unknown:
Here we are, Mr. Rapacort. All shortened and everything.
[00:21:04] Unknown:
Okay. I'll go in this room and put them on.
[00:21:07] Unknown:
Yeah, but I guess I won't have to leave room after all.
[00:21:11] Unknown:
How do I look in the pants?
[00:21:19] Unknown:
Hey, I didn't know you was coming to the wedding, Napoleon. Napoleon?
[00:21:23] Unknown:
Napoleon, do I look like Napoleon? You do in those short pants, you're showing your pony parts.
