In this episode, we dive into a comedic skit featuring a lively exchange about a horse named Peanut Butter. The conversation is filled with humorous misunderstandings and wordplay, as the characters discuss the horse's peculiar traits and racing prospects. From the horse's supposed military accolades to its dietary habits, the dialogue is a whirlwind of laughs and absurdity.
As the story unfolds, we follow the antics of Costello and Abbott as they navigate the world of horse racing. The episode is a delightful mix of slapstick humor and witty banter, culminating in a chaotic race day scenario. With a cast of quirky characters and a series of comedic mishaps, this episode is sure to entertain and amuse listeners with its classic comedic style.
(01:17) The Peanut Butter Horse
(04:09) Horse Racing Antics
(07:28) The Jockey Search
(12:58) The Race Day Chaos
Listen to our radio station Old Time Radio https://link.radioking.com/otradio
Listen to other Shows at My Classic Radio https://www.myclassicradio.net/
Entertainment Radio | Broadcasting Classic Radio Shows | Patreon
Remember that times have changed, and some shows might not reflect the standards of today’s politically correct society. The shows do not necessarily reflect the views, standards, or beliefs of Entertainment Radio
[00:00:00]
Unknown:
With Lucky Land Slots, you can get lucky just about anywhere.
[00:00:05] Unknown:
This is your captain speaking. We've got clear runway and the weather is fine, but we're just gonna circle up here a while and, get lucky. No. No. Nothing like that. It's just these cash prizes add up quick. So I suggest you sit back, keep your tray table upright, and start getting lucky.
[00:00:20] Unknown:
Play for free at luckylandslots.com. Are you feeling lucky? No purchase necessary. Void where prohibited by law. 18 plus terms and conditions apply. See website for See website for details.
[00:00:31] Unknown:
With Lucky Land Slots, you can get lucky just about anywhere. Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to has anyone seen the bride and groom?
[00:00:40] Unknown:
Sorry. Sorry. We're here. We were getting lucky in the limo when we lost track of time.
[00:00:45] Unknown:
No. Lucky Lane Casino with cash prizes that add up quicker than a guest registry. In that case, I pronounce you lucky.
[00:00:52] Unknown:
Play for free at luckylandslots.com. Daily bonuses are waiting. Play for free at luckylandslots.com. Daily bonuses are waiting. No purchase necessary. Void where prohibited by law. 18 plus. Terms and conditions apply. See website for details.
[00:01:18] Unknown:
Woah. Woah, peanut butter. Woah, peanut butter. Nutella. Nutella. What in the world have you got there? Uh-oh. What do you think it is? It's a horse, isn't it? Tell me it's a horse. What does it look like? A hip hop at the hot mom and a buzzer? No. Catella, tell me the truth, Alex. Where did you get that horse? Oh, I bet I bought it for a dollar and a half from a father that was wearing a white suit. And in anything, this horse is a hero. What do you mean? He won the distinguished service cross. Look. It says right on his blanket, DSC. Distinguished service cross? Yeah. He won it. That means department of street cleaning.
You mean that fella in the white suit was a street cleaner? Certainly. No wonder when I first spoke to him, he'd give me the brush. No. Can't tell him. You've gotta cut out this, Don. Now last week, you bought a dog. This week, you bought a horse. Next thing you know, you buy an elf. I did buy an elephant. I bought an elephant, Abbot. Why do you what do you mean? Give him back. Why? They wouldn't let me bring him home on a street car. Oh, I've never take that horse out of here right now and give him back to the man. Go ahead. No. Abbot. Come on. Please don't. Yes. Don't make me give him back. Abbot. I love animals. I wanna keep him. Don't make me give peanut butter back. He's the sweetest, nicest horse I ever met. Come here, peanut butter.
That's a nice girl. That's a pretty girl. Peanut butter, give Abbott a great big kiss. Sure cools you off, don't it? That's how take that horse Wait a minute, Abbot. No. I I can't do that. Feeder butter is hungry and I gotta feed him. Hey. What do you what does a horse eat? A horse a horse eats his father. He eats his father? Certainly. Well, that's fine. And what does a horse's father eat? He eats his father. For what do you know? And what does a horse's mother eat? She eats her father. What are they, cannibals? Certainly not. Every horse has to eat his father. Oh, I see. He eats his father. Yeah. And then his father eats his father. That's and then his mother eats her father. And the next thing you know, there won't be no fathers left for father's day. No. No. No. No. You're a dummy to feed a horse. You take a bag and put his father in it. Does he stand for? Certainly.
You mean you put his father in a bag? That's right. And you hang his father on his nose. Now ain't that a pretty picture? Or a horse walking around with a father hanging on his nose. When you talk, then, Costello. Now if you intend to keep that horse around here, you have to take care of him yourself. You're going to be the horse's groom. I'm gonna be the horse's what? His groom. You've said you loved the horse, didn't you? Yeah. But I'll have to marry him. Look, Costello. When I say groom, I mean you have to curry the horse. I have to what? Curry.
Curry. Curry the horse? That's right. He's big enough to walk and tell. I'll look at it. I'm gonna take peanut butter out the Hollywood part and I'm gonna enter him in the race. The track is pretty muddy. Do you think he'll be able to race? What is he, a mutter? A what? I said is he a mutter? How can he be a mutter? Ain't a she always a mutter? Well, certainly not. Sometimes a he makes a better mutter than a she. What do you know? Look, Abbot, suppose a mama horse has little horses. Don't that make her a mother? Well, that depends on her feet. You learn something new every day, don't you? No, Castilla. A mother is a horse that likes to run-in mud on account of having sore feet. Well, in that case, I guess peanut butter is a mutter because I saw him limping on his two front feet. Oh, I see. He's having trouble with his foreleg. Why certainly? Because when what'd you say?
I said he's having trouble with his foreleg. I just got proof telling you he was only limping with his two front legs. Godzilla, your horse's four legs are in front. His four legs are in front. What are those things in the back? You don't understand. Your horse has four legs in front and hind legs in back. Four legs in the front and hind legs in back. That's right. Well, I've got a centipede. Look, Godzilla. Your horse only has four legs. I know. I know. But he only races on three of them. What does he do with the other leg? He trips the other horse. Godzilla. He's a dirty horse. I can imagine that. He he he Yes. I can see that. But look out, sir. That broken down horse doesn't belong on a racetrack.
Who'd ever been on a nag like that? Look at her. I would. You would. I'm gonna take all my money out to the, out of my piggy bank. I'm even gonna sell my erector set and my ping pong paddles. You're gonna sell all that for what? And my nickels and marbles and I'm gonna spend every cent of my money on my horse. No. That's ridiculous, Godzilla. Putting all your money on a horse. Big gamblers don't do that. Oh no? No. Well, the biggest gambler that ever lived, did it? And just who was the biggest gambler that ever lived? Lady Godiva. Lady Godiva was a gambler? Yep. She put everything she had on a horse. I owe. Oh, oh, oh, peanut butter.
Costello, where did your horse learn that dance step? Oh, he's a horse that's at the Hollywood Canteen. Not, well, Lou, not horses. You mean hosted? Oh, alright, Gutteller. Come on. Here we are at the Hollywood Racetrack. Now we've got to see one of the officials and register your horse. Why register him now? The election's over. No. No. Because he don't wanna vote anyway. Yeah, dummy. In order to enter your horse in the race, you've got to show his pedigree. For instance, who was your horse fooled by? I beg your pardon? Who was your horse fooled by? He wasn't fooled by anybody. He's a very smart horse, papa. No. No. No. Tell tell him. What if what if there's no, Tommy? No. No. No. No. You don't understand. You've got to tell him all about your horse, his age, his weight, and your horse's height. Do you know do you know your horse's height? Oh, sure. I know him very good. He's a very good friend of mine. Who's a friend of yours? Horse's height, the bandleader.
I know him very good because I run around with his brother because I'm Come on. Let's see if we can find a jacket to ride your horse. Well, it's our old friend.
[00:07:48] Unknown:
I understand. I understand that you're looking for a jockey.
[00:07:52] Unknown:
Now just a minute, Gitzel. Yes. Are you trying to tell us that you know how to ride a horse? Do I know how to ride a horse?
[00:08:00] Unknown:
I'm laughing. I see that. Why, for you information, I just got finished riding a horse across the whole country from New York to Hollywood. Ho ho, I owed for days and days until the seat of my trousers were worn thin and here I am. You finally came through.
[00:08:21] Unknown:
I finally came through. Could be.
[00:08:27] Unknown:
Listen, just just a minute, please. That's my line. Yeah. Yeah. Please. Just a minute. Kisto. Kisto. Kisto has just bought a horse, and he's looking for a good jockey. Well, well, look no further because I'm just the man you're looking at.
[00:08:43] Unknown:
You know, I lost only one race this year, and and and that was because my horse was scratched in the handicap. Well, that's a very tender spot. Who did you say?
[00:08:53] Unknown:
Anybody that gets scratched in the handicap. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. The handicap is like a derby.
[00:09:10] Unknown:
Mistake because I'll have you to know I won the Dixie handicap riding on that famous horse ocean cracker. Ocean cracker? Yes. I never heard of him. He's the father of TV scares.
[00:09:24] Unknown:
Oh my goodness. I can see that you know very little about talking. Oh, yeah? Well, let me tell you something, kids. So I hang out with all the famous cowboys. Last night, I shot craps with ink rider. Ink rider? Ink rider. Castello. I thought it was Red Rider. It was, but I stated him.
[00:09:47] Unknown:
Gentlemen, gentlemen, I can see that you doubt my ability as an sample of my pencil riding on my own horse. You see that team over there with the wooden saddle? You you ride a horse with a wooden saddle? Oh, certainly. I like a wooden saddle. Watch me jump into it.
[00:10:17] Unknown:
Hey. Hey, Costello. Look. Here comes your little brother Sebastian. Hello, Lily. Hello, Octopod. Hello? I'm all ready to ride Peter Putt in the big way. I brought along a special saddle. Do you call that a saddle? Yeah. That looks like one of your mother's old girdles. It is. And if I see no horse is gonna lose, I can let him out in the stretch. Alright. Alright. Costello, you go over and register your horse while I, teach Sebastian how to ride. You ain't gonna teach me nothing. Sebastian, you listen to your uncle Bud. I won't. You will. I will. You will. I will. I'm going crazy. You will. I will. Well, that was a photo finish. Oh, go on, Costello. Take care. I'll take care of Sebastian. You go ahead. Okay. See you later. Alright. Go ahead. Now Sebastian, we're going to give the horse a workout. Alright? Now hold still peanut butter.
That'll be alright. Now Sebastian, put that harness over his head. That's it now. Now, give him a bit in the mouth. Give him a what? Give him a bit in the mouth. Give him a bit in the mouth? Yeah. What kind of English is that? You ain't give him a bite in the mouth. Never mind that. Now now you've got the bridle on. What happens to the reins? They go away when the sun comes out. No. No. I mean the reins on the horse. Oh, let it rain on the horse. What do you want me to do? Hold up, run over him? Sebastian, why must you always be a smart aleck? I don't know. Your brother is depending on this horse race. He's depending on this horse to win it. And what are you doing? What are you doing?
You stand here and ridicule this poor old horse. A horse that probably has a large family. He wants to win this race and go back to his green pastures, don't you think? And you won't help him. What's the matter with you? I don't know. You don't know. Uncle Bud, I don't know. You don't know. I guess I possess a cruel streak. I've got a warped nature. I have no consideration for dumb animals. I should run the race and let the poor old horse sit in the saddle. I'll say you should. But why do you continually persist in doing these things? Oh,
[00:12:26] Unknown:
I'm a bad boy.
[00:12:58] Unknown:
Don't let them get your money. Save it for us, kids. Hey, Abbott. Hey, Abbott. We're in trouble. What do you mean? I just came from the stable. They they don't wanna let my horse run. They said he wasn't in condition. Who told you that? Detract vegetarian. And and not vegetarian, you dote. That's a veterinarian. Veterinarian? Yes. That's what my grandfather is. Your father is a horse doctor? No. My grandfather. He's a veterinarian. A veterinarian in the Spanish American war. Oh, talk very fast. What did the doctor say was wrong with your horse? He said he was bugs. He said he had the crickets. He didn't say crickets. Your horse has rickets. Rickets? That's what my father drinks every night. Do you have father drinks rickets? Yeah. Slog gin rickets. Oh. That's delicious. Quiet. Here comes the doctor now. Good afternoon, gentlemen. I am doctor Nazaro, the racetrack veterinarian. Well, I'm glad to meet you, doctor. Is it true that Costello's force can't run this afternoon? Well, I suppose he could run if he had the proper medical treatment.
I'll tell you what you do, Costello. Run over to the drug store and get a two minute satyrace, a little caprese, and a order for hypothermic to take the placebo report. Then you buy a hypothermic needle and shoot the medicine in the left order right above the brace. Between the caprese, you bring all the frost. Don't buy any capsule because that'll be the safe. Then you're pushing the shoulder for the flight and put it right below the plan. I beg your pardon? I said you put it right below the plan. I should never do that for my horse.
You've got it, Costello. Now take your pencil and write this down. Okay. Dear Brother. Yes. Please give Costello one, two good sacrifice for the little drops of course and one bottle of pacific acid and syringe and a jar of pacific salt brazed, crystal green, or pus riveting. Now have you got that written down? I got it all over one part. What what part did you miss? The part that comes after dear druggist. That's because you're not paying any attention, Costello. Yes. I simply told you to get a little bit of a saprobod device that you can rub on the case. I could tell you to get some half a face with a hint of craze, but why should I pay for salt to me? Do it with this and I'm honest, and I know what I'm talking about.
You and nobody else. Costello, how dare you insult the doctor? I can't understand you. You can't understand me. Listen to him. This is the most outrageous thing I've heard in all my life. I'm a graduate of the veterinarian college at. You know where that is? Well, a seven miles turn of the race over the past has been racing, celebrating, having more than a percent. I took medicine for eight years. Yeah. But you forgot to take the spoon out of your mouth. That's Sella, please. Doctor. Now cut that out or the doctor won't treat your horse. That's right, young man. You realize that your horse is suffering from a very severe case of twiddle soft from Clint Lillip? But that's it it could be worse. You might have savories of the multiple reasons I've recalled from with the hypoglyphics. Do you know that that that in see when he's in that condition, while he's liable to walk out and track him over. He wasn't there.
Anything but fell apart. Never look. Never mind, just tell her, doctor. Go ahead and get the horse ready for the race, please. Very well. Where shall I send the bill? Now it's my turn. Bring your bill to Room 509 at Bao Diphong, 2 To 34 Building at the corner of Big Lake or so. It's right near Search. It's a Big 6 Fair Street. Okay. I'll be there. Where? You said it. What did I say? I mean, hey, Ammon. Was that guy real or am I dreaming? I mean, I know it seems silly, but I'm pinching myself. Young man, you're pinching me. I'm not so silly after all.
Attention, everybody. The horses are at the post for the first race. Come on, Godzilla. Your horse doesn't run till the last race. Let let's make a few bets on the other races. And pawn. Get to racing pawns. How about our racing form, young man? A what? I have the racing form. Well, keep the code button and nobody will notice it. This woman is a bookie. She's a bookie. Yes. Oh, Evan. Let's get out of here before a hustle comes. I'm afraid of him. You're afraid of her husband? Yeah. Everybody's afraid of the bookie men. Oh, buddy. Quiet, Caster. Let's let's make a bet. Yes. How about placing a bet with me? What place are you running in? I'd have won the last race of my what do you mean?
Young man, would you like to buy one of my special dope sheets? Now in this dope sheet, there's one horse that pays 200 to one. Yeah. There's another horse that pays 500 to one. Yeah. For my big dope cheap vessel Yeah. Pays 1,000 to one. Yeah. And do you know what I think? I think you better quit eat quit eating the dough off those sheep. That's the first race that's about to start. I'll take your bet, Will. You're gonna take my bet? I'll take your bet. Okay. Yeah. But I'll bet $2. Here's the money. The race is over. You lose. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. What kind of a bet was that? The Ross, the race is over. You lose. What kind of a race was that? What's wrong? What step? Come on. Get that race over again. I won't be it. Pied down. Pied down. Now on the next race, I I want you to double up. Double up. I ain't even straightened up from the left.
I mean, I want you to bet $4. You want me to bet $4? Yeah. $4, my eye. My eye. That's a good horse. It's a bet. Shut it off. The race is over. You lose. Will you wait on it, dad? Stops, walking, accidents will happen. Maybe the horse got dust in his eye. You don't know. You know what dust is. Yeah. Dust is mud with the juice squeeze out. Yeah. Right. Now in the next trade There ain't gonna be no next trade. Listen. There's only two horses in the next trade. Jellybean and lollipop. You bet on each horse and you can't lose. Well, maybe that's right. Tell me that's right. Jellybean and lollipop. Two horses. I'm a sucker anyway. Yeah. Two horses. Yeah. I bet I need pork. That's right. I can't lose. How can you lose? Okay. Here's $20 on jelly bean, pal. And here's $20 on lollipop. Good. Good. The horses are at the post. Right. They're off.
Look. Lollipop first. Jelly bean second. Come on. Jelly pop. You Stop. Oh, you you mean lollipop. I mean jellypop. I'm sitting on that corner. Wait a minute. They're arming the turn. Lollipop first. Jellybean second. Come on, somebody. They're in the stretch. Lollipop first. Jellybean second. They're under the wire. And the winner, Hershey bar. Hershey bar. Now wait that's enough. Now just a minute. In the last race That was my last race. But wait a minute, Catella. There's only one horse in this last race. Oh, one horse in this race. Certainly. You sound like one of them racetracks.
No. No. No. No. No. Stop. Stop. Alright. But I wouldn't make it out of bed if there was no horses in a race. But, Cassella, it's your own horse. Peanut butter. Peanut butter? Yeah. One horse. Say you have it. You mean my own little horse peanut butter? Yes. Yes. Yes. That's different. Come on. Put $10 on the nose. $10 on the nose. $10 on the tail. $10 on the tail. Just another $10. Put it under the saddle. What for? In case he comes in sideways. Well, you can't lose it to one horse race. One horse race. Look. They're off in a bunch. Wait a minute.
How can one horse be off in a bunch? Wait a minute. At the half, it's peanut butter. Do I have peanut butter? At the three quarters, peanut butter. Do I have peanut butter? Red peanut butter. Red peanut butter. In the stretch. And the winner, peanut butter. Oh, for race. I win. I bet a peanut butter win. Give me more money. Just a minute, folks. It's a photo finish. Photo finish. One horse in the race. How can it be a photo finish? Lollipop just came in from the last race. He must be one of the things first, these horses. Look, Abbot. Look over there. No wonder I lost. What's the matter? Here comes my little butter Sebastian riding on peanut butter.
What's the matter with that kid? Look at the way he's riding. He's riding underneath the horse. Sebastian, you should have won that race. What's the idea of riding underneath the horse instead of on top of him? Well, it was doctor Nasara's order. Doctor Nasara told you to ride under the horse? Yeah. He said the horse was sick, and he told me to watch his stomach.
With Lucky Land Slots, you can get lucky just about anywhere.
[00:00:05] Unknown:
This is your captain speaking. We've got clear runway and the weather is fine, but we're just gonna circle up here a while and, get lucky. No. No. Nothing like that. It's just these cash prizes add up quick. So I suggest you sit back, keep your tray table upright, and start getting lucky.
[00:00:20] Unknown:
Play for free at luckylandslots.com. Are you feeling lucky? No purchase necessary. Void where prohibited by law. 18 plus terms and conditions apply. See website for See website for details.
[00:00:31] Unknown:
With Lucky Land Slots, you can get lucky just about anywhere. Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to has anyone seen the bride and groom?
[00:00:40] Unknown:
Sorry. Sorry. We're here. We were getting lucky in the limo when we lost track of time.
[00:00:45] Unknown:
No. Lucky Lane Casino with cash prizes that add up quicker than a guest registry. In that case, I pronounce you lucky.
[00:00:52] Unknown:
Play for free at luckylandslots.com. Daily bonuses are waiting. Play for free at luckylandslots.com. Daily bonuses are waiting. No purchase necessary. Void where prohibited by law. 18 plus. Terms and conditions apply. See website for details.
[00:01:18] Unknown:
Woah. Woah, peanut butter. Woah, peanut butter. Nutella. Nutella. What in the world have you got there? Uh-oh. What do you think it is? It's a horse, isn't it? Tell me it's a horse. What does it look like? A hip hop at the hot mom and a buzzer? No. Catella, tell me the truth, Alex. Where did you get that horse? Oh, I bet I bought it for a dollar and a half from a father that was wearing a white suit. And in anything, this horse is a hero. What do you mean? He won the distinguished service cross. Look. It says right on his blanket, DSC. Distinguished service cross? Yeah. He won it. That means department of street cleaning.
You mean that fella in the white suit was a street cleaner? Certainly. No wonder when I first spoke to him, he'd give me the brush. No. Can't tell him. You've gotta cut out this, Don. Now last week, you bought a dog. This week, you bought a horse. Next thing you know, you buy an elf. I did buy an elephant. I bought an elephant, Abbot. Why do you what do you mean? Give him back. Why? They wouldn't let me bring him home on a street car. Oh, I've never take that horse out of here right now and give him back to the man. Go ahead. No. Abbot. Come on. Please don't. Yes. Don't make me give him back. Abbot. I love animals. I wanna keep him. Don't make me give peanut butter back. He's the sweetest, nicest horse I ever met. Come here, peanut butter.
That's a nice girl. That's a pretty girl. Peanut butter, give Abbott a great big kiss. Sure cools you off, don't it? That's how take that horse Wait a minute, Abbot. No. I I can't do that. Feeder butter is hungry and I gotta feed him. Hey. What do you what does a horse eat? A horse a horse eats his father. He eats his father? Certainly. Well, that's fine. And what does a horse's father eat? He eats his father. For what do you know? And what does a horse's mother eat? She eats her father. What are they, cannibals? Certainly not. Every horse has to eat his father. Oh, I see. He eats his father. Yeah. And then his father eats his father. That's and then his mother eats her father. And the next thing you know, there won't be no fathers left for father's day. No. No. No. No. You're a dummy to feed a horse. You take a bag and put his father in it. Does he stand for? Certainly.
You mean you put his father in a bag? That's right. And you hang his father on his nose. Now ain't that a pretty picture? Or a horse walking around with a father hanging on his nose. When you talk, then, Costello. Now if you intend to keep that horse around here, you have to take care of him yourself. You're going to be the horse's groom. I'm gonna be the horse's what? His groom. You've said you loved the horse, didn't you? Yeah. But I'll have to marry him. Look, Costello. When I say groom, I mean you have to curry the horse. I have to what? Curry.
Curry. Curry the horse? That's right. He's big enough to walk and tell. I'll look at it. I'm gonna take peanut butter out the Hollywood part and I'm gonna enter him in the race. The track is pretty muddy. Do you think he'll be able to race? What is he, a mutter? A what? I said is he a mutter? How can he be a mutter? Ain't a she always a mutter? Well, certainly not. Sometimes a he makes a better mutter than a she. What do you know? Look, Abbot, suppose a mama horse has little horses. Don't that make her a mother? Well, that depends on her feet. You learn something new every day, don't you? No, Castilla. A mother is a horse that likes to run-in mud on account of having sore feet. Well, in that case, I guess peanut butter is a mutter because I saw him limping on his two front feet. Oh, I see. He's having trouble with his foreleg. Why certainly? Because when what'd you say?
I said he's having trouble with his foreleg. I just got proof telling you he was only limping with his two front legs. Godzilla, your horse's four legs are in front. His four legs are in front. What are those things in the back? You don't understand. Your horse has four legs in front and hind legs in back. Four legs in the front and hind legs in back. That's right. Well, I've got a centipede. Look, Godzilla. Your horse only has four legs. I know. I know. But he only races on three of them. What does he do with the other leg? He trips the other horse. Godzilla. He's a dirty horse. I can imagine that. He he he Yes. I can see that. But look out, sir. That broken down horse doesn't belong on a racetrack.
Who'd ever been on a nag like that? Look at her. I would. You would. I'm gonna take all my money out to the, out of my piggy bank. I'm even gonna sell my erector set and my ping pong paddles. You're gonna sell all that for what? And my nickels and marbles and I'm gonna spend every cent of my money on my horse. No. That's ridiculous, Godzilla. Putting all your money on a horse. Big gamblers don't do that. Oh no? No. Well, the biggest gambler that ever lived, did it? And just who was the biggest gambler that ever lived? Lady Godiva. Lady Godiva was a gambler? Yep. She put everything she had on a horse. I owe. Oh, oh, oh, peanut butter.
Costello, where did your horse learn that dance step? Oh, he's a horse that's at the Hollywood Canteen. Not, well, Lou, not horses. You mean hosted? Oh, alright, Gutteller. Come on. Here we are at the Hollywood Racetrack. Now we've got to see one of the officials and register your horse. Why register him now? The election's over. No. No. Because he don't wanna vote anyway. Yeah, dummy. In order to enter your horse in the race, you've got to show his pedigree. For instance, who was your horse fooled by? I beg your pardon? Who was your horse fooled by? He wasn't fooled by anybody. He's a very smart horse, papa. No. No. No. Tell tell him. What if what if there's no, Tommy? No. No. No. No. You don't understand. You've got to tell him all about your horse, his age, his weight, and your horse's height. Do you know do you know your horse's height? Oh, sure. I know him very good. He's a very good friend of mine. Who's a friend of yours? Horse's height, the bandleader.
I know him very good because I run around with his brother because I'm Come on. Let's see if we can find a jacket to ride your horse. Well, it's our old friend.
[00:07:48] Unknown:
I understand. I understand that you're looking for a jockey.
[00:07:52] Unknown:
Now just a minute, Gitzel. Yes. Are you trying to tell us that you know how to ride a horse? Do I know how to ride a horse?
[00:08:00] Unknown:
I'm laughing. I see that. Why, for you information, I just got finished riding a horse across the whole country from New York to Hollywood. Ho ho, I owed for days and days until the seat of my trousers were worn thin and here I am. You finally came through.
[00:08:21] Unknown:
I finally came through. Could be.
[00:08:27] Unknown:
Listen, just just a minute, please. That's my line. Yeah. Yeah. Please. Just a minute. Kisto. Kisto. Kisto has just bought a horse, and he's looking for a good jockey. Well, well, look no further because I'm just the man you're looking at.
[00:08:43] Unknown:
You know, I lost only one race this year, and and and that was because my horse was scratched in the handicap. Well, that's a very tender spot. Who did you say?
[00:08:53] Unknown:
Anybody that gets scratched in the handicap. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. The handicap is like a derby.
[00:09:10] Unknown:
Mistake because I'll have you to know I won the Dixie handicap riding on that famous horse ocean cracker. Ocean cracker? Yes. I never heard of him. He's the father of TV scares.
[00:09:24] Unknown:
Oh my goodness. I can see that you know very little about talking. Oh, yeah? Well, let me tell you something, kids. So I hang out with all the famous cowboys. Last night, I shot craps with ink rider. Ink rider? Ink rider. Castello. I thought it was Red Rider. It was, but I stated him.
[00:09:47] Unknown:
Gentlemen, gentlemen, I can see that you doubt my ability as an sample of my pencil riding on my own horse. You see that team over there with the wooden saddle? You you ride a horse with a wooden saddle? Oh, certainly. I like a wooden saddle. Watch me jump into it.
[00:10:17] Unknown:
Hey. Hey, Costello. Look. Here comes your little brother Sebastian. Hello, Lily. Hello, Octopod. Hello? I'm all ready to ride Peter Putt in the big way. I brought along a special saddle. Do you call that a saddle? Yeah. That looks like one of your mother's old girdles. It is. And if I see no horse is gonna lose, I can let him out in the stretch. Alright. Alright. Costello, you go over and register your horse while I, teach Sebastian how to ride. You ain't gonna teach me nothing. Sebastian, you listen to your uncle Bud. I won't. You will. I will. You will. I will. I'm going crazy. You will. I will. Well, that was a photo finish. Oh, go on, Costello. Take care. I'll take care of Sebastian. You go ahead. Okay. See you later. Alright. Go ahead. Now Sebastian, we're going to give the horse a workout. Alright? Now hold still peanut butter.
That'll be alright. Now Sebastian, put that harness over his head. That's it now. Now, give him a bit in the mouth. Give him a what? Give him a bit in the mouth. Give him a bit in the mouth? Yeah. What kind of English is that? You ain't give him a bite in the mouth. Never mind that. Now now you've got the bridle on. What happens to the reins? They go away when the sun comes out. No. No. I mean the reins on the horse. Oh, let it rain on the horse. What do you want me to do? Hold up, run over him? Sebastian, why must you always be a smart aleck? I don't know. Your brother is depending on this horse race. He's depending on this horse to win it. And what are you doing? What are you doing?
You stand here and ridicule this poor old horse. A horse that probably has a large family. He wants to win this race and go back to his green pastures, don't you think? And you won't help him. What's the matter with you? I don't know. You don't know. Uncle Bud, I don't know. You don't know. I guess I possess a cruel streak. I've got a warped nature. I have no consideration for dumb animals. I should run the race and let the poor old horse sit in the saddle. I'll say you should. But why do you continually persist in doing these things? Oh,
[00:12:26] Unknown:
I'm a bad boy.
[00:12:58] Unknown:
Don't let them get your money. Save it for us, kids. Hey, Abbott. Hey, Abbott. We're in trouble. What do you mean? I just came from the stable. They they don't wanna let my horse run. They said he wasn't in condition. Who told you that? Detract vegetarian. And and not vegetarian, you dote. That's a veterinarian. Veterinarian? Yes. That's what my grandfather is. Your father is a horse doctor? No. My grandfather. He's a veterinarian. A veterinarian in the Spanish American war. Oh, talk very fast. What did the doctor say was wrong with your horse? He said he was bugs. He said he had the crickets. He didn't say crickets. Your horse has rickets. Rickets? That's what my father drinks every night. Do you have father drinks rickets? Yeah. Slog gin rickets. Oh. That's delicious. Quiet. Here comes the doctor now. Good afternoon, gentlemen. I am doctor Nazaro, the racetrack veterinarian. Well, I'm glad to meet you, doctor. Is it true that Costello's force can't run this afternoon? Well, I suppose he could run if he had the proper medical treatment.
I'll tell you what you do, Costello. Run over to the drug store and get a two minute satyrace, a little caprese, and a order for hypothermic to take the placebo report. Then you buy a hypothermic needle and shoot the medicine in the left order right above the brace. Between the caprese, you bring all the frost. Don't buy any capsule because that'll be the safe. Then you're pushing the shoulder for the flight and put it right below the plan. I beg your pardon? I said you put it right below the plan. I should never do that for my horse.
You've got it, Costello. Now take your pencil and write this down. Okay. Dear Brother. Yes. Please give Costello one, two good sacrifice for the little drops of course and one bottle of pacific acid and syringe and a jar of pacific salt brazed, crystal green, or pus riveting. Now have you got that written down? I got it all over one part. What what part did you miss? The part that comes after dear druggist. That's because you're not paying any attention, Costello. Yes. I simply told you to get a little bit of a saprobod device that you can rub on the case. I could tell you to get some half a face with a hint of craze, but why should I pay for salt to me? Do it with this and I'm honest, and I know what I'm talking about.
You and nobody else. Costello, how dare you insult the doctor? I can't understand you. You can't understand me. Listen to him. This is the most outrageous thing I've heard in all my life. I'm a graduate of the veterinarian college at. You know where that is? Well, a seven miles turn of the race over the past has been racing, celebrating, having more than a percent. I took medicine for eight years. Yeah. But you forgot to take the spoon out of your mouth. That's Sella, please. Doctor. Now cut that out or the doctor won't treat your horse. That's right, young man. You realize that your horse is suffering from a very severe case of twiddle soft from Clint Lillip? But that's it it could be worse. You might have savories of the multiple reasons I've recalled from with the hypoglyphics. Do you know that that that in see when he's in that condition, while he's liable to walk out and track him over. He wasn't there.
Anything but fell apart. Never look. Never mind, just tell her, doctor. Go ahead and get the horse ready for the race, please. Very well. Where shall I send the bill? Now it's my turn. Bring your bill to Room 509 at Bao Diphong, 2 To 34 Building at the corner of Big Lake or so. It's right near Search. It's a Big 6 Fair Street. Okay. I'll be there. Where? You said it. What did I say? I mean, hey, Ammon. Was that guy real or am I dreaming? I mean, I know it seems silly, but I'm pinching myself. Young man, you're pinching me. I'm not so silly after all.
Attention, everybody. The horses are at the post for the first race. Come on, Godzilla. Your horse doesn't run till the last race. Let let's make a few bets on the other races. And pawn. Get to racing pawns. How about our racing form, young man? A what? I have the racing form. Well, keep the code button and nobody will notice it. This woman is a bookie. She's a bookie. Yes. Oh, Evan. Let's get out of here before a hustle comes. I'm afraid of him. You're afraid of her husband? Yeah. Everybody's afraid of the bookie men. Oh, buddy. Quiet, Caster. Let's let's make a bet. Yes. How about placing a bet with me? What place are you running in? I'd have won the last race of my what do you mean?
Young man, would you like to buy one of my special dope sheets? Now in this dope sheet, there's one horse that pays 200 to one. Yeah. There's another horse that pays 500 to one. Yeah. For my big dope cheap vessel Yeah. Pays 1,000 to one. Yeah. And do you know what I think? I think you better quit eat quit eating the dough off those sheep. That's the first race that's about to start. I'll take your bet, Will. You're gonna take my bet? I'll take your bet. Okay. Yeah. But I'll bet $2. Here's the money. The race is over. You lose. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. What kind of a bet was that? The Ross, the race is over. You lose. What kind of a race was that? What's wrong? What step? Come on. Get that race over again. I won't be it. Pied down. Pied down. Now on the next race, I I want you to double up. Double up. I ain't even straightened up from the left.
I mean, I want you to bet $4. You want me to bet $4? Yeah. $4, my eye. My eye. That's a good horse. It's a bet. Shut it off. The race is over. You lose. Will you wait on it, dad? Stops, walking, accidents will happen. Maybe the horse got dust in his eye. You don't know. You know what dust is. Yeah. Dust is mud with the juice squeeze out. Yeah. Right. Now in the next trade There ain't gonna be no next trade. Listen. There's only two horses in the next trade. Jellybean and lollipop. You bet on each horse and you can't lose. Well, maybe that's right. Tell me that's right. Jellybean and lollipop. Two horses. I'm a sucker anyway. Yeah. Two horses. Yeah. I bet I need pork. That's right. I can't lose. How can you lose? Okay. Here's $20 on jelly bean, pal. And here's $20 on lollipop. Good. Good. The horses are at the post. Right. They're off.
Look. Lollipop first. Jelly bean second. Come on. Jelly pop. You Stop. Oh, you you mean lollipop. I mean jellypop. I'm sitting on that corner. Wait a minute. They're arming the turn. Lollipop first. Jellybean second. Come on, somebody. They're in the stretch. Lollipop first. Jellybean second. They're under the wire. And the winner, Hershey bar. Hershey bar. Now wait that's enough. Now just a minute. In the last race That was my last race. But wait a minute, Catella. There's only one horse in this last race. Oh, one horse in this race. Certainly. You sound like one of them racetracks.
No. No. No. No. No. Stop. Stop. Alright. But I wouldn't make it out of bed if there was no horses in a race. But, Cassella, it's your own horse. Peanut butter. Peanut butter? Yeah. One horse. Say you have it. You mean my own little horse peanut butter? Yes. Yes. Yes. That's different. Come on. Put $10 on the nose. $10 on the nose. $10 on the tail. $10 on the tail. Just another $10. Put it under the saddle. What for? In case he comes in sideways. Well, you can't lose it to one horse race. One horse race. Look. They're off in a bunch. Wait a minute.
How can one horse be off in a bunch? Wait a minute. At the half, it's peanut butter. Do I have peanut butter? At the three quarters, peanut butter. Do I have peanut butter? Red peanut butter. Red peanut butter. In the stretch. And the winner, peanut butter. Oh, for race. I win. I bet a peanut butter win. Give me more money. Just a minute, folks. It's a photo finish. Photo finish. One horse in the race. How can it be a photo finish? Lollipop just came in from the last race. He must be one of the things first, these horses. Look, Abbot. Look over there. No wonder I lost. What's the matter? Here comes my little butter Sebastian riding on peanut butter.
What's the matter with that kid? Look at the way he's riding. He's riding underneath the horse. Sebastian, you should have won that race. What's the idea of riding underneath the horse instead of on top of him? Well, it was doctor Nasara's order. Doctor Nasara told you to ride under the horse? Yeah. He said the horse was sick, and he told me to watch his stomach.
