In this hilarious episode, we dive into a comedic skit featuring the classic duo, Abbott and Costello. The episode kicks off with Costello sharing his recent purchase of a house in the countryside, humorously named "Lambago Ranch" due to its creek in the back. As the conversation unfolds, Costello reveals his plans to raise monkeys on the ranch, leading to a series of witty exchanges and wordplay between him and Abbott. The duo's banter continues as they discuss the intricacies of Costello's new home, including a comedic misunderstanding about the house's roof and its "mortar" and "tile." The laughter doesn't stop there, as the episode transitions into a side-splitting scenario involving Costello's quest to acquire a bathtub for his new home. From negotiating with quirky salespeople to attempting to transport the tub on top of his car, Costello's antics provide endless amusement. The episode culminates in a chaotic attempt to install the bathtub, complete with mistaken identities and plumbing mishaps. Throughout the episode, Abbott and Costello's timeless humor shines, delivering a delightful blend of slapstick and clever wordplay that keeps listeners entertained from start to finish.
(00:30) The Casino Connection
(01:15) Costello's New Ranch
(06:16) The Bathtub Dilemma
(14:22) Transporting the Tub
(17:01) Installing the Tub
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[00:00:00]
Unknown:
At the UPS store, we know things can get busy this upcoming holiday. You can count on us to be open and ready to help with any packing and shipping or anything else you might need. Is there anything you can't do? Actually, I don't have a good singing voice. The u p
[00:00:15] Unknown:
no. But our certified packing experts can pack and ship just about anything. At least that's good. Your local, the everything you need to be unstoppable store, the UPS store. Be unstoppable.
[00:00:25] Unknown:
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[00:01:15] Unknown:
Castella, where have you been? I haven't seen you all week. Oh, I've been moving. Moving. I bought a house way out in the country. It's about a mile from my Uncle Artie Stevens place. What a beautiful ranch, Abbott. I call it the Lambago Ranch. Lambago Ranch? Yep. Why did you name it Lambago? Because it's got a creek in the back. I didn't do it. Now, Delia, Delia, what do you want with a ranch? I'm gonna raise monkeys. Yeah. You want a ranch to raise monkeys. Sure. You're a nut. Well, what's better for a nut than a monkey ranch? Oh, god. Please.
You watch me, folks. Well, well, I knew that line. I had to continue. Thank you. What was that? What was that, Zack? Hey, Eric. Is that a picture of the ranch? You put the words right over my mouth. Let me see it. Let's see it. Wait a minute. Over here. What's that little, what's that little house in the back? That's the garage. I'll bet you thought I was gonna say the smokehouse. Sir, you lost yourself a new house, What condition is it in? What? What condition is it in? Oh, wonderful condition. Well, it's well. I just had it painted and it didn't cost me a cent. A doctor painted it for nothing. Sir, a doctor painted your house for nothing. Right. But wait a minute. How do you know it was a doctor? He signed his name on the roof in big red letters. It says Doctor Pepper. Just a minute, Costello. Who sold you? I don't know. Listen. Who sold you this house? Well, I got the house through a mister Crow. Mister Crow? Yeah. In order to get the house, they told me I'd have to go through e s Crow. That's please, please, please. That's escrow. That means you bought it through with the bank. Does the bank have a lien on your house? Does the bank have a what? A lien on your house. No. If the bank have a lien on my house, it would fall down. No. No. No. I'm talking about a mortgage. Who holds the paper on your house? Nobody holds the paper in my house. The paper's stuck on a wall with clue.
Alright. Just bear in mind that. What what kind of a place did you buy? Do you have a, polio? I beg your pardon. You have a party o. Much better. Now let's not get personal. Well, now let's just be I mean, a a a patio with a barbecue. I do all my cooking in my patio. I know you when you didn't have a patio to cook in. Look, Costello, don't you know anything about your new house? Did you even have it inspected? Inspect it for what? Third Floor. You might have flaws in your house. Of course, I got flaws. First Floor or the Second Floor? No. No. No. No. No. No. You're gonna walk on a ceiling? No. No. No. Have I got flaws in my house? Never mind that. What period is your house? What period? Yes. Did you buy a period house? No. I bought a house. Period. Well, I'm trying to find out if your house is Spanish or French or English. Is it really American? How do you know? I found a couple of dead Indians in a cellar.
Look, Ocilla. You can generally tell what kind of a house it is by the roof. Is the roof, shingle or tiled? Oh, sure. It's one of those what did you say? Is your roof shingle? Certainly a single. Whoever heard of a married roof? Stella, will you please talk then? Is your roof single or did you have a tiled? Abbot, what are you saying? When you're single, you can't have a tiled. Now wait a minute. Only married people can have a tile. No. I've got to have a clean cheese. I'm talking about your rooftop. My what top? Rooftop. Roof. Roof. Roof. Roof. Roof. I can't hear you. That's a dog barking someplace. Can you cut it out? Look, Cartella. Did you notice if it was tile on top of your roof? No. What would a tile be doing on top of my house? No. No. No. No. No. I'm not talking about a tile roof. A tile roof is held together by mortar. By what?
By mortar. Mortar. Don't you know what mortar is? Certainly. My mortar is the woman that married my daughter. Now, yes. I mean, the tile and the mortar keeps the house dry. At my house, it's my mortar that keeps her tile dry. Stella, I'm trying to tell you that the mortar holds the tile on the roof. What kind of a mortar would hold a tile down a roof? I'm all that stupid idiots. I'm trying to tell you that the tile is plastered on the roof. Now there's a pretty picture. A little tile plastered on the roof. Where did he get the stuff at? Plus, if they cancel all that stuff to children?
Stella, the tile is plastered on the roof with mortar. What kind of family is that? The mortar and the little tiles plastered on the roof. Where is the slaughter? Cut it out. He ought to be looking at the his butt end. Just a minute. Just a a minute, please. Let me explain. Now I have a tile roof on my house. You also have a tiled head on your toes. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No so that in case of a shower, the tile drains into a pipe or spout and keeps everybody in the house from getting soaked. That's enough.
I am certainly glad I found you out. Found me out. You heard me. What do you mean? I didn't mind so much when you said a shingle roof could have a tile. I didn't even care when you said the tile was up on top of my house. But when you have the nerve and you said that poor little tile was taking a shower with a pipe in his mouth and running down the gutter to get plastered with his mortar, not only have you attacked the American home, but you have impued on the Bill of Rights and cast asparagus on the Atlantic Charter. Well, here we are, Abbott. This is my new home. Old boy, Abbott. Since you and me has been pals for so many years, I'm gonna ask you to move in here with me. Well, Gazzell, that's mighty sweet of you. And I want to know that I I'll be very happy to live here with you the rest of my life. You will? Yes.
Now will you carry me across the threshold? Hell, please. Come on. Hey. Get down and stop acting silly. Let's go ahead and lift the house over. Come on. Now now the first thing I want to see is my room. Have you got a room for me with the bath? Abbot. We're in the country. I'm way out in the country. All we got is a room with a pass. Costello, are you crazy? Do you mean to tell me that you bought a house without a bathtub? Why do we need a bathtub? We're only gonna stay here during the winter. Costello, I have to have a bath. Well, you can take a bath in the sink. It'll save us the cost of a maid. Oh, how can I save the cost of a maid by taking a bath in the sink? You can wash yourself in the dishes at the same time. Look, Costello. You can count me out. I'm not going to live in a house without a bathtub. You haven't even got a bathroom. Don't get excited, Abbot. We'll put the bathtub at the end of the dining room, but you won't have any wall between.
What if people are sitting at the table? And then turn their backs. No. But please talk sense, Costello. In the first place, you can't get a bathtub without priority. The head of the OPA has frozen tubs. He has frozen tubs? Absolutely. Poor man, he should wear heavier underwear. No. No. No. I mean, you can't buy a tub without an okay from the ration board. Have it. That's easy. I'll call I'll call them right up.
[00:07:55] Unknown:
Good afternoon, OPA, ration board. If you haven't got it, try and get
[00:08:02] Unknown:
it. Look, lady. I just bought a house up in the country, and and it ain't got no bathroom. Why don't you bathe in the spring? I can't wait till a spring. I'm going to a dance Saturday night.
[00:08:12] Unknown:
Well, I don't know whether you you can get a priority for plumbing or not. I'll let you talk to our mister faucets. Have a lot of things you'll find in pretty cold. Hot or cold? Connect me with faucets. One moment, sir.
[00:08:27] Unknown:
Hello? Faucet leaking. Earth leaking.
[00:08:32] Unknown:
Get them right, William Niles. Get them right. Hello? This is Lucas Tello. I'd like to have a bath. How long has it been that you had one? Hey. Wait a minute. I didn't call up to hear you dribble, Fawcett. I'm trying to get a new top. Well, I'm sorry. The only tops we're releasing are for commercial purposes. Do you take in washing? What do you mean take in washing? I never washed in my life. Well, in that case, it's nice of you to make this call by phone. Goodbye. See, Godzilla? I told you you couldn't get a bathtub. That's what you think. Now just watch this. I'll get something.
Hello. Was this the Acme junkyard? You? Are you alive, brother? Am I talking to somebody? You? Thank you. I know you're there. I hear you pleading. I'd like to get a secondhand bathtub. You'd like to get a secondhand bathtub? Oh, you mad and petuous fool, you. Alright. Alright. Alright. Go ahead and knock yourself out. All I want is a secondhand tub. All you want is a secondhand tub. Are you sure that's all? Why don't you ask me for a date with my wife? Okay. For one thing at a time. Gastello, I tell you you'll never get a tub. I gotta fight just once more. Stick around.
[00:10:06] Unknown:
Ajax Plumbing Company.
[00:10:09] Unknown:
Oh. This is a dead cat tonight, ain't it? Is this the plumber?
[00:10:16] Unknown:
No. This is the plumber's friend.
[00:10:20] Unknown:
That's alright, brother. I'll talk to you. I'm a plumber myself.
[00:10:25] Unknown:
Have you got a used bathtub down there? No. We haven't. Why don't you look in this morning's papers?
[00:10:31] Unknown:
Why? Did somebody advertise a bathtub?
[00:10:34] Unknown:
No. But Dick Tracy's in a terrible mess.
[00:10:39] Unknown:
Oh, come on, Custer. Look. I'll get you a bathtub. We're going down down to the swap shop. Well, here's the swap shop, Stella. Let's go in and buy a bathtub. Come on. Would I entice you in a beautiful imported painting that came all the way from Buffalo Home? Just a minute. Get through Buffalo as a New York. There is no Buffalo Home. Gimme. You never had to. Oh, give me a Alright. Please. Please. Cut it out. Cut it out. Kitzel, have you got an old tub around here? Yes. But she's busy doing my handling right. You wanna get her to iron you, Kitzel? You're all washed up. I'm all washed up.
Could be it. Listen, Quetzal. Castello needs a bathtub for his new house. Do you happen to have one? Woo hoo. Have I got a bathtub? Gentlemen, just step over here and gaze on this beautiful piece of merchandise. What's our bathtub? Wait a minute. You mean that broken down thing over there? Yeah. That tub must be a hundred years old. Costello, how can you tell the age of a bathtub? I counted the rings around it. Oh, no. No. No. No. Castello, that's that's a very nice tub. Oh, it is. Is it? Look at those funny looking legs on it. Oh, crisspash. Funny looking legs, Tanya. Funny looking legs. Are you going to washing it or dance with it? This scrub is a genuine antique and it was handed down from the revolutionary war. Just a minute, Kitzel. There's a big crack in the enamel. Well, that crack proves that it's an antique.
How did it happen? George Washington sleep here. But but but don't worry. The lady who owns the tub said she'll have the quack fixed. The method? Of course she meant it or she wouldn't have stared at it. My line. Thank you. I used to think you were dope, but I've changed my mind. When do you think of me now? You're a full fledged apprentice moron, junior grade. A wasting time. Look. How much do you want for the dog ghetto? $14. I'll give you $88. 8 dollars for this magnificent truck. Why I wouldn't even sell it to my own brother for $8. Just a second. Just a second.
I'll give you $8 for that sauce. 5, if you believe no. Who is that? My brother. I'll come across for such an action. I can't understand I'll give you 10. That's my price. So for $10. And there will be $35 for delivery. $35 for delivery? Yes. No. You don't get so. I'll take the tub hole myself on top of my car. Come on, Adam. Help me carry it out to the car. CUSTILLA, how can we carry this stuff out to the car? It weighs over a thousand pounds. We'll make two trips. Oh, please. And now back to Abbot and Costello. Costello has just bought a secondhand bathtub, and in order to save himself the cost of delivery, he's holding it home on top of his car. As we find him now, Abbott is at the wheel and Costello is on top of the car sitting in the bathtub to balance it. What a picture.
One tub sitting in another. Hey. How you getting wrong up there, Costello? Are you having trouble holding the tub on the top of the car? Can't have it. Don't drive so fast. The tub is liable to fall off. I don't wanna put another crack in my enamel. Never mind that. Are you comfortable sitting in the tub? No. It's awfully chilly up here. Hand me at the stopper for the tub. Stop her. What for? Feels a little nasty around the drain.
[00:15:07] Unknown:
11.
[00:15:09] Unknown:
What's the idea of driving all those over all those bumps? Oh, I'm trying to knock the ashes off my camel's cigarette. Alvin, will you watch where you're driving? Look out. Look out. What happened? Low Bridge. Now will you watch where you're going? Oh, my god. I'm actually too clever into the curve. Loud, isn't he? What's the trouble, officer? And what's the trouble is it? What do you think you're doing right around the street sitting on top of your car in the bathroom? Have you tried to find an apartment lately? Don't get back with me, young man. I'll come up there and scrub you back with this club. Oh, yeah. Just because you got a uniform on your feet, your cock. Take your coat off just once, brother. Oh, yeah. Every coat off. What about it? Much cooler that way, isn't it?
Look, officer. We just bought a bathtub and we're in a hurry to get it home. I can't help that. I'd have to give your fat friend a ticket for indecent exposure. What do you mean? I'm sitting in a tub with all you can see of my face. That's what I said, indecent exposure. Duck it along with you. Well, here we are, Carsella. Home of glass. Now how are you going to get this big tub into the house? How about you leave it to me? I'll back across my neighbor's lawn and put the tub in through the dining room window. But that tub is too big. It won't go through the window. Abbott, will you please let me handle this? Easy, wasn't it?
What do you mean? I told I'd get it through.
[00:17:02] Unknown:
Just a minute. Just a minute. What do you two of them think you'll do? Riding across my lawn with that car. Why you had to. He ripped up my grass, crushed my patootian, and shattered my granola.
[00:17:13] Unknown:
Get back in the house before I fracture your hollyhocks. Now now, Costello, please don't talk like that. Just Roman is your neighbor. Remember the old saying, you should love your neighbor. Okay? No. You fool. Put me down. That's not all. Do you want me to call my father? No. Thanks. I don't think he'd appeal to me. No. Come on, Katelle. Let's go in the house and connect the tub. Now the first thing we have to do is to connect the pipes to the main. The main what? The water main. Where's the water main? I don't know, but the milk main will be here tomorrow. I'm talking about the water main. What runs under the ground from the street to your house? Gopher.
Hello, fellas. Now what do you want, Niles? We're thirsty. Now I I heard you bought a bathtub, Cartel, and I thought I'd help you install it. You know, I come from a mechanical family. Mechanical family is right. They're all wound up in jerky. Oh, break it up. Break it up, Godzilla. I'm going down the basement and connect the pipes from the tub to the hot water heater. You bore a hole in the floor and shove the pipes down through. Okay, Niles. You heard them. Now you're gonna help me. Hand me that drill. I gotta pour this hole. Hey, you must do a lot of this work, Costello. Oh, I wouldn't say a great deal. Oh, I don't know. People say they always find you boring.
Hey, Costello. What are you doing up there? Pour that hole and put the pipe through. I don't have to pour a hole, Abbott. I found a couple of holes in the floor already. Now wait a minute. You can't use those. Those are not holes. What do you mean they're not holes? They look like holes to me. Costello, they are holes, but they're not holes. How can they be holes if they're not holes? Look, Costello. A not hole is a hole, but it's not like a hole that's not a not hole. This guy can't even go down in a basement without starting a routine. Hey, Abbott.
Who's on first? Oh, no. No. No. No. I like that routine better than the one you said. Look, look, Costello. Look. Will you please shove those pipes down through the hole in the floor? Well, I have it. Look through the hole. You can see me. I have it. What? How you change. Where did you get those little beady eyes and that mustache? You're looking in the wrong hole. That's a rat. Well, there is a strong family resemblance. Here comes the pipe on it. Okay. I'll connect them to the hot water heater. You can get ready to take your ass. Oh, boy. Just think of it. My first bath at my new house. Excuse me, Ken. While I get in the tub and turn on a shower. Are you ready, Emmett? Alrighty. You can turn the water on. Oh boy. I'm singing in the rain. I'm sliding down the drain. Oh what? Oh, oh, oh, oh. Maya. Maya.
Yeah. But I I can't see you, Contella. Everything has suddenly gone back. The practice me. I haven't connected the top to the oil furnace.
[00:20:21] Unknown:
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At the UPS store, we know things can get busy this upcoming holiday. You can count on us to be open and ready to help with any packing and shipping or anything else you might need. Is there anything you can't do? Actually, I don't have a good singing voice. The u p
[00:00:15] Unknown:
no. But our certified packing experts can pack and ship just about anything. At least that's good. Your local, the everything you need to be unstoppable store, the UPS store. Be unstoppable.
[00:00:25] Unknown:
The UPS store locations are independently owned. Product services, pricing, and hours may vary. See center for details. Hello. It is Ryan, and I was on a flight the other day playing one of my favorite social spin slot games on chumbacasino.com. I looked over the person sitting next to me, and you know what they were doing? They were also playing Chumba Casino. Coincidence? I think not. Everybody's loving having fun with it. Chumba Casino is home to hundreds of casino style games that you can play for free anytime, anywhere, even at 30,000 feet. So sign up now at chumbacasino.com to claim your free welcome bonus at chumbacasino.com and live the Chumba like.
[00:01:15] Unknown:
Castella, where have you been? I haven't seen you all week. Oh, I've been moving. Moving. I bought a house way out in the country. It's about a mile from my Uncle Artie Stevens place. What a beautiful ranch, Abbott. I call it the Lambago Ranch. Lambago Ranch? Yep. Why did you name it Lambago? Because it's got a creek in the back. I didn't do it. Now, Delia, Delia, what do you want with a ranch? I'm gonna raise monkeys. Yeah. You want a ranch to raise monkeys. Sure. You're a nut. Well, what's better for a nut than a monkey ranch? Oh, god. Please.
You watch me, folks. Well, well, I knew that line. I had to continue. Thank you. What was that? What was that, Zack? Hey, Eric. Is that a picture of the ranch? You put the words right over my mouth. Let me see it. Let's see it. Wait a minute. Over here. What's that little, what's that little house in the back? That's the garage. I'll bet you thought I was gonna say the smokehouse. Sir, you lost yourself a new house, What condition is it in? What? What condition is it in? Oh, wonderful condition. Well, it's well. I just had it painted and it didn't cost me a cent. A doctor painted it for nothing. Sir, a doctor painted your house for nothing. Right. But wait a minute. How do you know it was a doctor? He signed his name on the roof in big red letters. It says Doctor Pepper. Just a minute, Costello. Who sold you? I don't know. Listen. Who sold you this house? Well, I got the house through a mister Crow. Mister Crow? Yeah. In order to get the house, they told me I'd have to go through e s Crow. That's please, please, please. That's escrow. That means you bought it through with the bank. Does the bank have a lien on your house? Does the bank have a what? A lien on your house. No. If the bank have a lien on my house, it would fall down. No. No. No. I'm talking about a mortgage. Who holds the paper on your house? Nobody holds the paper in my house. The paper's stuck on a wall with clue.
Alright. Just bear in mind that. What what kind of a place did you buy? Do you have a, polio? I beg your pardon. You have a party o. Much better. Now let's not get personal. Well, now let's just be I mean, a a a patio with a barbecue. I do all my cooking in my patio. I know you when you didn't have a patio to cook in. Look, Costello, don't you know anything about your new house? Did you even have it inspected? Inspect it for what? Third Floor. You might have flaws in your house. Of course, I got flaws. First Floor or the Second Floor? No. No. No. No. No. No. You're gonna walk on a ceiling? No. No. No. Have I got flaws in my house? Never mind that. What period is your house? What period? Yes. Did you buy a period house? No. I bought a house. Period. Well, I'm trying to find out if your house is Spanish or French or English. Is it really American? How do you know? I found a couple of dead Indians in a cellar.
Look, Ocilla. You can generally tell what kind of a house it is by the roof. Is the roof, shingle or tiled? Oh, sure. It's one of those what did you say? Is your roof shingle? Certainly a single. Whoever heard of a married roof? Stella, will you please talk then? Is your roof single or did you have a tiled? Abbot, what are you saying? When you're single, you can't have a tiled. Now wait a minute. Only married people can have a tile. No. I've got to have a clean cheese. I'm talking about your rooftop. My what top? Rooftop. Roof. Roof. Roof. Roof. Roof. I can't hear you. That's a dog barking someplace. Can you cut it out? Look, Cartella. Did you notice if it was tile on top of your roof? No. What would a tile be doing on top of my house? No. No. No. No. No. I'm not talking about a tile roof. A tile roof is held together by mortar. By what?
By mortar. Mortar. Don't you know what mortar is? Certainly. My mortar is the woman that married my daughter. Now, yes. I mean, the tile and the mortar keeps the house dry. At my house, it's my mortar that keeps her tile dry. Stella, I'm trying to tell you that the mortar holds the tile on the roof. What kind of a mortar would hold a tile down a roof? I'm all that stupid idiots. I'm trying to tell you that the tile is plastered on the roof. Now there's a pretty picture. A little tile plastered on the roof. Where did he get the stuff at? Plus, if they cancel all that stuff to children?
Stella, the tile is plastered on the roof with mortar. What kind of family is that? The mortar and the little tiles plastered on the roof. Where is the slaughter? Cut it out. He ought to be looking at the his butt end. Just a minute. Just a a minute, please. Let me explain. Now I have a tile roof on my house. You also have a tiled head on your toes. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No so that in case of a shower, the tile drains into a pipe or spout and keeps everybody in the house from getting soaked. That's enough.
I am certainly glad I found you out. Found me out. You heard me. What do you mean? I didn't mind so much when you said a shingle roof could have a tile. I didn't even care when you said the tile was up on top of my house. But when you have the nerve and you said that poor little tile was taking a shower with a pipe in his mouth and running down the gutter to get plastered with his mortar, not only have you attacked the American home, but you have impued on the Bill of Rights and cast asparagus on the Atlantic Charter. Well, here we are, Abbott. This is my new home. Old boy, Abbott. Since you and me has been pals for so many years, I'm gonna ask you to move in here with me. Well, Gazzell, that's mighty sweet of you. And I want to know that I I'll be very happy to live here with you the rest of my life. You will? Yes.
Now will you carry me across the threshold? Hell, please. Come on. Hey. Get down and stop acting silly. Let's go ahead and lift the house over. Come on. Now now the first thing I want to see is my room. Have you got a room for me with the bath? Abbot. We're in the country. I'm way out in the country. All we got is a room with a pass. Costello, are you crazy? Do you mean to tell me that you bought a house without a bathtub? Why do we need a bathtub? We're only gonna stay here during the winter. Costello, I have to have a bath. Well, you can take a bath in the sink. It'll save us the cost of a maid. Oh, how can I save the cost of a maid by taking a bath in the sink? You can wash yourself in the dishes at the same time. Look, Costello. You can count me out. I'm not going to live in a house without a bathtub. You haven't even got a bathroom. Don't get excited, Abbot. We'll put the bathtub at the end of the dining room, but you won't have any wall between.
What if people are sitting at the table? And then turn their backs. No. But please talk sense, Costello. In the first place, you can't get a bathtub without priority. The head of the OPA has frozen tubs. He has frozen tubs? Absolutely. Poor man, he should wear heavier underwear. No. No. No. I mean, you can't buy a tub without an okay from the ration board. Have it. That's easy. I'll call I'll call them right up.
[00:07:55] Unknown:
Good afternoon, OPA, ration board. If you haven't got it, try and get
[00:08:02] Unknown:
it. Look, lady. I just bought a house up in the country, and and it ain't got no bathroom. Why don't you bathe in the spring? I can't wait till a spring. I'm going to a dance Saturday night.
[00:08:12] Unknown:
Well, I don't know whether you you can get a priority for plumbing or not. I'll let you talk to our mister faucets. Have a lot of things you'll find in pretty cold. Hot or cold? Connect me with faucets. One moment, sir.
[00:08:27] Unknown:
Hello? Faucet leaking. Earth leaking.
[00:08:32] Unknown:
Get them right, William Niles. Get them right. Hello? This is Lucas Tello. I'd like to have a bath. How long has it been that you had one? Hey. Wait a minute. I didn't call up to hear you dribble, Fawcett. I'm trying to get a new top. Well, I'm sorry. The only tops we're releasing are for commercial purposes. Do you take in washing? What do you mean take in washing? I never washed in my life. Well, in that case, it's nice of you to make this call by phone. Goodbye. See, Godzilla? I told you you couldn't get a bathtub. That's what you think. Now just watch this. I'll get something.
Hello. Was this the Acme junkyard? You? Are you alive, brother? Am I talking to somebody? You? Thank you. I know you're there. I hear you pleading. I'd like to get a secondhand bathtub. You'd like to get a secondhand bathtub? Oh, you mad and petuous fool, you. Alright. Alright. Alright. Go ahead and knock yourself out. All I want is a secondhand tub. All you want is a secondhand tub. Are you sure that's all? Why don't you ask me for a date with my wife? Okay. For one thing at a time. Gastello, I tell you you'll never get a tub. I gotta fight just once more. Stick around.
[00:10:06] Unknown:
Ajax Plumbing Company.
[00:10:09] Unknown:
Oh. This is a dead cat tonight, ain't it? Is this the plumber?
[00:10:16] Unknown:
No. This is the plumber's friend.
[00:10:20] Unknown:
That's alright, brother. I'll talk to you. I'm a plumber myself.
[00:10:25] Unknown:
Have you got a used bathtub down there? No. We haven't. Why don't you look in this morning's papers?
[00:10:31] Unknown:
Why? Did somebody advertise a bathtub?
[00:10:34] Unknown:
No. But Dick Tracy's in a terrible mess.
[00:10:39] Unknown:
Oh, come on, Custer. Look. I'll get you a bathtub. We're going down down to the swap shop. Well, here's the swap shop, Stella. Let's go in and buy a bathtub. Come on. Would I entice you in a beautiful imported painting that came all the way from Buffalo Home? Just a minute. Get through Buffalo as a New York. There is no Buffalo Home. Gimme. You never had to. Oh, give me a Alright. Please. Please. Cut it out. Cut it out. Kitzel, have you got an old tub around here? Yes. But she's busy doing my handling right. You wanna get her to iron you, Kitzel? You're all washed up. I'm all washed up.
Could be it. Listen, Quetzal. Castello needs a bathtub for his new house. Do you happen to have one? Woo hoo. Have I got a bathtub? Gentlemen, just step over here and gaze on this beautiful piece of merchandise. What's our bathtub? Wait a minute. You mean that broken down thing over there? Yeah. That tub must be a hundred years old. Costello, how can you tell the age of a bathtub? I counted the rings around it. Oh, no. No. No. No. Castello, that's that's a very nice tub. Oh, it is. Is it? Look at those funny looking legs on it. Oh, crisspash. Funny looking legs, Tanya. Funny looking legs. Are you going to washing it or dance with it? This scrub is a genuine antique and it was handed down from the revolutionary war. Just a minute, Kitzel. There's a big crack in the enamel. Well, that crack proves that it's an antique.
How did it happen? George Washington sleep here. But but but don't worry. The lady who owns the tub said she'll have the quack fixed. The method? Of course she meant it or she wouldn't have stared at it. My line. Thank you. I used to think you were dope, but I've changed my mind. When do you think of me now? You're a full fledged apprentice moron, junior grade. A wasting time. Look. How much do you want for the dog ghetto? $14. I'll give you $88. 8 dollars for this magnificent truck. Why I wouldn't even sell it to my own brother for $8. Just a second. Just a second.
I'll give you $8 for that sauce. 5, if you believe no. Who is that? My brother. I'll come across for such an action. I can't understand I'll give you 10. That's my price. So for $10. And there will be $35 for delivery. $35 for delivery? Yes. No. You don't get so. I'll take the tub hole myself on top of my car. Come on, Adam. Help me carry it out to the car. CUSTILLA, how can we carry this stuff out to the car? It weighs over a thousand pounds. We'll make two trips. Oh, please. And now back to Abbot and Costello. Costello has just bought a secondhand bathtub, and in order to save himself the cost of delivery, he's holding it home on top of his car. As we find him now, Abbott is at the wheel and Costello is on top of the car sitting in the bathtub to balance it. What a picture.
One tub sitting in another. Hey. How you getting wrong up there, Costello? Are you having trouble holding the tub on the top of the car? Can't have it. Don't drive so fast. The tub is liable to fall off. I don't wanna put another crack in my enamel. Never mind that. Are you comfortable sitting in the tub? No. It's awfully chilly up here. Hand me at the stopper for the tub. Stop her. What for? Feels a little nasty around the drain.
[00:15:07] Unknown:
11.
[00:15:09] Unknown:
What's the idea of driving all those over all those bumps? Oh, I'm trying to knock the ashes off my camel's cigarette. Alvin, will you watch where you're driving? Look out. Look out. What happened? Low Bridge. Now will you watch where you're going? Oh, my god. I'm actually too clever into the curve. Loud, isn't he? What's the trouble, officer? And what's the trouble is it? What do you think you're doing right around the street sitting on top of your car in the bathroom? Have you tried to find an apartment lately? Don't get back with me, young man. I'll come up there and scrub you back with this club. Oh, yeah. Just because you got a uniform on your feet, your cock. Take your coat off just once, brother. Oh, yeah. Every coat off. What about it? Much cooler that way, isn't it?
Look, officer. We just bought a bathtub and we're in a hurry to get it home. I can't help that. I'd have to give your fat friend a ticket for indecent exposure. What do you mean? I'm sitting in a tub with all you can see of my face. That's what I said, indecent exposure. Duck it along with you. Well, here we are, Carsella. Home of glass. Now how are you going to get this big tub into the house? How about you leave it to me? I'll back across my neighbor's lawn and put the tub in through the dining room window. But that tub is too big. It won't go through the window. Abbott, will you please let me handle this? Easy, wasn't it?
What do you mean? I told I'd get it through.
[00:17:02] Unknown:
Just a minute. Just a minute. What do you two of them think you'll do? Riding across my lawn with that car. Why you had to. He ripped up my grass, crushed my patootian, and shattered my granola.
[00:17:13] Unknown:
Get back in the house before I fracture your hollyhocks. Now now, Costello, please don't talk like that. Just Roman is your neighbor. Remember the old saying, you should love your neighbor. Okay? No. You fool. Put me down. That's not all. Do you want me to call my father? No. Thanks. I don't think he'd appeal to me. No. Come on, Katelle. Let's go in the house and connect the tub. Now the first thing we have to do is to connect the pipes to the main. The main what? The water main. Where's the water main? I don't know, but the milk main will be here tomorrow. I'm talking about the water main. What runs under the ground from the street to your house? Gopher.
Hello, fellas. Now what do you want, Niles? We're thirsty. Now I I heard you bought a bathtub, Cartel, and I thought I'd help you install it. You know, I come from a mechanical family. Mechanical family is right. They're all wound up in jerky. Oh, break it up. Break it up, Godzilla. I'm going down the basement and connect the pipes from the tub to the hot water heater. You bore a hole in the floor and shove the pipes down through. Okay, Niles. You heard them. Now you're gonna help me. Hand me that drill. I gotta pour this hole. Hey, you must do a lot of this work, Costello. Oh, I wouldn't say a great deal. Oh, I don't know. People say they always find you boring.
Hey, Costello. What are you doing up there? Pour that hole and put the pipe through. I don't have to pour a hole, Abbott. I found a couple of holes in the floor already. Now wait a minute. You can't use those. Those are not holes. What do you mean they're not holes? They look like holes to me. Costello, they are holes, but they're not holes. How can they be holes if they're not holes? Look, Costello. A not hole is a hole, but it's not like a hole that's not a not hole. This guy can't even go down in a basement without starting a routine. Hey, Abbott.
Who's on first? Oh, no. No. No. No. I like that routine better than the one you said. Look, look, Costello. Look. Will you please shove those pipes down through the hole in the floor? Well, I have it. Look through the hole. You can see me. I have it. What? How you change. Where did you get those little beady eyes and that mustache? You're looking in the wrong hole. That's a rat. Well, there is a strong family resemblance. Here comes the pipe on it. Okay. I'll connect them to the hot water heater. You can get ready to take your ass. Oh, boy. Just think of it. My first bath at my new house. Excuse me, Ken. While I get in the tub and turn on a shower. Are you ready, Emmett? Alrighty. You can turn the water on. Oh boy. I'm singing in the rain. I'm sliding down the drain. Oh what? Oh, oh, oh, oh. Maya. Maya.
Yeah. But I I can't see you, Contella. Everything has suddenly gone back. The practice me. I haven't connected the top to the oil furnace.
[00:20:21] Unknown:
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