In this hilarious episode, we dive into a comedic sketch featuring the classic duo Abbott and Costello. The episode opens with a series of humorous exchanges about the peculiar places people have gotten lucky, setting the tone for a light-hearted and entertaining show. As the conversation shifts, Abbott and Costello engage in a witty dialogue about marriage, with Costello expressing his reluctance to tie the knot. Their banter is filled with clever wordplay and comedic misunderstandings, showcasing their timeless chemistry.
As the episode progresses, the duo is joined by other characters, including Ken Niles and his wife, who add to the comedic chaos. The discussion about marriage continues with Costello's humorous resistance to the idea, leading to a series of laugh-out-loud moments. The episode culminates in a comedic skit involving a shotgun wedding scenario, where Costello hilariously tries to escape the clutches of an eager bride-to-be. This episode is a delightful mix of classic comedy and slapstick humor, perfect for fans of Abbott and Costello.
(00:00) Unusual Places to Get Lucky
(01:04) Costello's Late Arrival
(03:38) Marriage and Mother-in-Laws
(06:00) Ken Niles and the Joys of Marriage
(08:20) Connie Haines Proposes to Costello
(12:01) Costello Learns About Love
(14:02) Judy Penover's Proposal
(18:21) The Wedding Chase
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[00:00:00]
Unknown:
Lucky Land Casino asking people what's the weirdest place you've gotten lucky. Lucky? In line of the deli, I guess? In my dentist's office. More than once, actually. Do I have to say? Yes. You do. In the car before my kids' PTA meeting. Really? Yes. Excuse me. What's the weirdest place you've gotten lucky? I never went in town. Well, there you have it. You could get lucky anywhere playing at luckylandslots.com. Play for free right now. Are you feeling lucky? No purchase necessary. Void record written by law. 18 plus terms and conditions plus. See what type of details.
[00:00:31] Unknown:
Okay. Round two. Name something that's not boring.
[00:00:36] Unknown:
Laundry? Oh, a book club. Computer solitaire.
[00:00:42] Unknown:
Sorry. We were looking for Chumba Casino. Chumba. That's right. ChumbaCasino.com has over a hundred casino style games. Join today and play for free for your chance to redeem some serious prizes. ChumbaCasino.com.
[00:01:05] Unknown:
Oh, there you are, Costello. Here is here is the first programmer of the new year and you are late. Oh, so I'm late. Yeah. What's going on? The kind of leap you're at? I was passing the call on Hollywood And Vine and 30 women jumped on me. 30? At Hollywood And Vine? Hollywood And Vine. That's where the wolves hang out. This year, it's Wolverine. Oh, stop. Stop. Stop. Okay. Why you should see these women fighting over me, Abbot. One of them grabbed my left arm, another grabbed my right arm, then one grabbed my other leg, then one grabbed the other leg, one grabbed my ears, my nose, my hair. Wait a minute. But why should that make you late? Well, I had to go to Lockheed to get reassembled. Well, it's late here. And you've got to expect those things. Yeah. But I wasn't even safe. I go to Lockheed. As soon as I walked in, but then two arms around me had kissed me 12 times before I could even kiss her once. She kissed you 12 times to your once? Yes. She was a riveter.
Hey, a riveter kissed you. I don't believe it. Oh, you don't. Now now now cuss now. Don't run down leap year. Will you please Lou? Listen. I didn't read it wrong. No. Will you listen to buddy? Don't run down leap year. This is an excellent opportunity for some nice girl to propose to you. And then you can settle down down and get married. Wait a minute, Abbot. Who wants to get married? I don't want no mother-in-law. What's wrong with a mother-in-law? Do you know what a mother-in-law is? Sure. A mother-in-law is the gestapo with bloomers. But Costello, marriage is wonderful. Wouldn't you like to have people throw rice at you? No. Well my brother got married. They threw rice at him. It's too messy. Rice isn't messy. It is when it's mixed with chop suey. It's all right. Talk then, please.
Look, Will, weddings are beautiful, Costello. Don't you like the old fashioned unions? No. They get to me all over. Will you cut that out? Your underwear doesn't fit our conversation. My underwear will fit anything, brother. Alright. Never mind that, Gostela. I still say that a wife is your best friend. Oh, no. Your mother is your best friend. And I think it's the same when they have just one holiday for your mother and two for your father. Two holidays for your father. What are they? Father's day and puppy's day. Because, Della, you're talking like that because you haven't even got a girl. Oh, yes. I have, Abbot. I got a girl. I got a big full of girl's name, all in alphabetical order. And what's the first name in the book? Zelda. Zelda.
Hello. Hey, it's Ken Niles. Hello, Ken. I'm sorry. I'm late. I just came from the blood bank. You just came from the blood bank. Look Niles, they want plasma, not asthma. Now you stop that, Costello. That Niles is so anemic that a mosquito bit him and lost blood on the deal. Oh, shut up. Ken, I'm glad you dropped in. Costello and I have been had quite a discussion here. He's been running down married. Running down marriage? Why Costello, marriage is wonderful. Look at Abbot and me. Yes, Costello. Ken and I are married. Oh, congratulations. I hope you two guys will be very happy. I didn't like that Freddie. Those two guys are married. No. No. I think it was late. Now wait a minute. I don't mean it that way. Don't I have two men. Married a man at Queen. Now don't be stupid. I know somebody had married a man. Look, just a who? My sister. Yeah. Your sister. Oh, I didn't like it.
Look, let's come here. Look. Let's take Ken Niles. Let's take Ken Niles and his wife. Here from the field. Look, just a minute. Will you? Let's take Ken Niles and his wife. Oh, sure. We'll take them. We'll take them. Now, there's a happy married couple. That's right, Bud. Well, I can't stand to be away from my wife for a second. When I leave the house in the morning, she goes with me. I take her to the office, to the golf club. Even when I go out with the boys, she goes with me. Now, did you hear that, Costello? Miles takes his wife every place he goes. Sure. If he can ever get a load of the puss on that team, he'd rather take her with him than kiss her goodbye. Oh, why insulted you.
[00:05:06] Unknown:
I heard that remark. Oh, I heard that remark short and dumpy. You can talk about anybody's appearance. You with your double chin. I got no double chin. It's my necktie. Then your necktie needs a shave.
[00:05:24] Unknown:
Darling, you're so funny. You kill me. Oh, no. No, dear. You're funny than I am. You kill me. No, you kill me. Oh no. You kill me. If there's anybody out there with a hunting license, what are you waiting for? I want you to stop that, doctor. Come here. You understand that? I want you to stop it. Mister and missus Niles are a wonderful example of marriage. Look at Ken standing there holding her hand. If he ever let go, she'll pee his brains out.
[00:05:58] Unknown:
That's not true, docteller. Our marriage has been perfect. I'll never forget our wedding day. Oh, I look so lovely in my bridal veil. You would even look better in a bridal.
[00:06:11] Unknown:
Don't listen to him, missus Niles. Please pay no attention to him. Go ahead. Tell us more about your wedding day. Oh, it was thrilling. You know, Kenneth and I had a runaway marriage. Yeah. He ran away. You ran after him.
[00:06:23] Unknown:
I did not. I don't chase men. They chase me. Why? New Year's Day. I had dozens of men chasing after me. I know. You played with Washington in a Rose Bowl game. Why? I know nothing about Washington. Not even George. Oh. Well, yes. I was with him at Valley Forge. I just got that. Oh, come get her.
[00:06:47] Unknown:
Now look what you did, Costello. Well, look what I did. You started the whole thing. I had it trying to talk me into getting married. You're not gonna get me tied for anything. Hello? Costello speaking. Mr. Castello, let me be the first to congratulate you on your decision about women. Women are nothing but trouble. I know. I've been married. I say down with women. Hey. Thanks for backing me up, friend. I wish I could do some favor for you. You can. Take them. Let me out of here. I'm all right. I tell you. I'm all right. You see, Castello, that proves what I said. Marriage is a wonderful institution. Oh yeah? Look at the institution he's in. Get out of here.
I'm Tony Abbott for the last time. The last time I don't want to get married. But Costello you're being silly. Marriage is great. And there's nothing like having a place to come home to. Why even the president. When he came home from Cairo, arrived at the gates of the White House and whistled. And who came out? Tyler. He's always home. Let's talk sense. Now anyway, Abbot, I'm sick and tired of talking sense. All year I get talk sense. If I get married, I'd have to give up my career. You know, I'm a beatcomber at the union station. A beatcomber in a in a railroad station? Sure. I stand there and watch the waves come in. Watch the waves come in. That's about the only way you could get a girl. Is that so? You may not know what Abbott, but Terry, Grett, and I go fifty fifty on girls. Really? Of course. He gets some under 50 and I get all those over.
Come in.
[00:08:21] Unknown:
Oh, it's Connie Hanes. Hello, Connie. Hello, mister Abbott. Hello, my fat little sugar man. Miss Priscilla Yeah. This is me, dear. I wanna propose to you. I wanna marry you before some beautiful actress gets on the roof.
[00:08:36] Unknown:
Pee, Connie. You think that I'm handsome?
[00:08:38] Unknown:
No. But they're running out of the handsome ones, and they'll be taken there from your class next.
[00:08:43] Unknown:
Connie, are you really in love with Costello? Yes. I am. Mister Costello,
[00:08:47] Unknown:
last night I dreamed that you took me to dinner. Dream on, though. Then I dreamed that that you took me to Doctor. Darryl for dancing.
[00:08:56] Unknown:
Dream on, kid.
[00:08:58] Unknown:
And then I dreamed that you bought me the most beautiful mink coat. Wake up. Wake up.
[00:09:06] Unknown:
Costello, what's wrong with you? Here a lovely girl throws herself at you and you don't appreciate it. Yes. I don't drink. I don't stay out late. I don't pet. I'm a nice girl. Well, I don't drink. I don't stay out late and I don't pet. Gee, you're a nice girl too. Good. Now you see what you did, Costello? You just don't know how to handle women. Listen. I'll tell you what I'll do. I'll coach you. Let's suppose I'm the man and you're the woman. I can't be a woman. Why not? It's too late. I well It happened. And after all. What do you mean it's too late? I've been saving since yesterday. Oh. Oh. Oh. Well. But who's the igloo out with service myself? Alright. Look. Look. We'll just make believe. Look. Make believe you're the woman and I'm coming to your house to call her. Her. Now are you ready? No. Wait a minute. What kind of a woman am I, a blonde or a brunette? Look, I don't care if you're a blonde or a brunette. I don't even care if you're bald headed. Oh, you mineral Come in.
Now, will you please get get with it? Now, remember, you're the girl and I'm coming to call on. Here I come. Wait. Will you answer the door? Will you answer the door? Oh, I'm in the kitchen talking to the iceman. Forget the iceman. Oh, but he's a very cute iceman. I said drop the iceman. Sorry, Sam. Oh, come here. We'll try it once more. Now come on. Get with it. Now I knock on your door. Why don't you why don't you answer the door? I'm playing hard to get. Oh, this is ridiculous. I I'm getting no place with you. Come on. You're not even half science. Look at it. Let's try it the other way. You'll be the woman. Oh, I couldn't be a woman. Why not? You've been getting by as a man for years. Alright. I'll be the woman. Go ahead. Come up to my door and knock. I appreciate you.
Why didn't you knock? I never knocked on a sailor. Oh, right. Oh, darling. Raise your voice, kid. I I think, oh, darling. I love you. Hold me in your arms. You ain't kidding, aren't you? Please. Press me. Press me. I'm a sailor, not a sailor. Ah, but, Wina, what is that beautiful perfume that smells so nice? Paul, that is it I do, Harry. You smell pretty too. What odor is that? That's three nights on a two train. Come here, Costello. Have you an idiot in your family? No. Do you wanna be adopted? Gosh. Shut up. I'm trying to teach you something. How to get along with girls, and you don't appreciate it. You're just plain stupid. I know I'm stupid, but but I didn't have a chance if you had a kid pet Abbott. I had to leave school in the third grade to support my gray haired old mother.
How old were you? 35. 30 five. Will you keep my Lo come here. What I'm trying to tell you about love. I think it's very, very simple. Look what I'm trying to explain is very simple. All nature expresses it. Here come here. Here look out that window. See those beautiful swirls near that tree. You see them there, Lou? Oh, yeah. Yes. Do you see those? Yeah. Yeah. Now that's what I'm going for. Now I can see them so plain. No. No. Notice how they approach each other. They get closer and closer. Look. They're rubbing noses. See that? Oh, yeah. Well, that's all there is to it. That's all. Well, goodbye, Abbot. See you later. Where are you going? To propose to a girl? No. That's a squirrel. Dogget out of here. Hey. I'll tell them. Somebody hit the door. Come in.
I'd like to talk to Lou Costello. That's me. I've come here to talk to you about marriage. Sorry. You don't appeal to me. Quiet. Let me handle this, Lou. What's the trouble, neighbor? Well, search this away. Mister Costello, on your way to the broadcast today, did you tip your hat to a girl on the street? Yes, sir. She said hello to me, so I tipped my hat. Well, that was my daughter, so I'm here to arrange for the wedding. What's Wendy? I tipped my hat. That's all my friend. You and my daughter sir. She is aiming to get married. Oh yeah. Well, I ain't aiming to marry her. I got a shotgun here. Your aim is better than mine.
Just a minute, mister. Tipping your hat to a lady is hardly a proposal of marriage. That's the law where I come from. Skunk Hollow. Oh, so you come from Skunk Hollow. Yes, sir. I live right in the hollow. Nice to have a place named after you. I ain't wasting any more time. Come in here, gal. Down in this year's my daughter, Judy Penover.
[00:14:02] Unknown:
That's the man, puppy. The little fat one. Come into my arms, little fat man.
[00:14:08] Unknown:
I love you. Get away from me. Get out of here. Oh, no.
[00:14:15] Unknown:
Tell me you love me. Speak to me. Speak to me. I can't keep you sitting on my chest. Let me out here. Oh, come on into my arm. Oh, gee. This is wonderful. I wish I had this much butter.
[00:14:32] Unknown:
I don't know. You got the point.
[00:14:43] Unknown:
You sure ain't got any. I have no. Come on. Come on. Come on here now. Let's run off and get married.
[00:14:56] Unknown:
Oh, no. No. You mean you want me to fly away with you? Fly? Well, you're accused, Lee. You couldn't get off the runway. Hey. You should talk. Get a load of those pigtails. You look like a p thirty eight with teeth.
[00:15:09] Unknown:
Because, oh, that's no way to talk to Judy Cano. Now she's a very lovely girl. Yep. And I'll make you a perfect wife. I can cook. I can sew. And right now I'm knitting the gloves. Why only one glove? What are you gonna do with it? I'm gonna put it on the towel to keep the milk warm.
[00:15:22] Unknown:
Hey, but take those fishy thing away from me. Will you? Oh, stop complaining. Beauty is only skin deep. Take away the skin and whatever you've got. I don't know, but I hate to have it for a blind date too. See here, Judy. I don't understand why you're chasing at the Costello. Don't you have a boyfriend in Skunk Hollow? Oh, sure. I got lots of boyfriends back home. As my friend's fact, they selected me as their favorite 10 up girl. Really?
[00:15:44] Unknown:
Yeah. If if they hadn't chased the dogs away from that tree, I'd have been pinned up there yet.
[00:15:50] Unknown:
Oh, look at him. Oh, mister Costello, won't you marry me? Why should I? My uncle married my aunt, and my father married my mother. Yeah. So why should I marry a total stranger?
[00:16:03] Unknown:
Well, now listen here. I don't care what you say. You are gonna marry me. Now I even got the ring. And where'd you get it? Some millionaire pastor who sunk Hollow last week and gave it to me. City fella by the name of Woolworth.
[00:16:16] Unknown:
That's a pretty emerald ring. Oh, that ain't no emerald. The emerald's green. Waiting to wear it a while. Look Lou, this marriage isn't such a bad idea. Don't you want to call some girl Mrs. Costello? No. That's my mother's name. I've heard enough of this talk. Judy, you're gonna stand there and let this fat boy insult you? Show them how tough you are. Alright, boss. Give me the shotgun. Judy,
[00:16:43] Unknown:
you just shut off six of your toes. Oh, that's alright. I got eight more left.
[00:16:50] Unknown:
I
[00:16:54] Unknown:
I wouldn't marry a girl like you. You don't even wear shoes. Joss. I never wear shoes. I just paint my feet brown and lace up my toes.
[00:17:02] Unknown:
Come on, Tatiana. Get out into that car now. We're heading for the princess. You're gonna be my husband. I'm gonna be your what? You heard her, Costello. You know what a husband is? Yes, sir. A husband is what's left of a sweetheart after the nerve has been killed. Now listen here.
[00:17:24] Unknown:
I tell you I'm tired of all this air talking. Try selling. You see this gun? It nuked bullet nine miles and froze rocks the rest of the way.
[00:17:32] Unknown:
Get moving. You hear me? Hey. That gun barrel is cold. A long way. Keep it off my neck, please. Hey, Adam. It's doing something. Well, you should have it a backward. You're going to love being married. Now let's go. Yep. Now come on. You've gotta get me out of this now, will you? I don't wanna live on no farm. Yeah. But living at Rancho Cinnova is wonderful. Why you can help me round up the cows. How can you round up cows with those bullies? What have I got to do with it? You must have a terrible time getting your calves together.
[00:18:00] Unknown:
What's the matter with my calves?
[00:18:05] Unknown:
Quit arguing, Costello. Get in the car. Come on. Open the door. Hey. Your door fell off.
[00:18:13] Unknown:
Doggone it. I knew that chewing gum wouldn't hold.
[00:18:16] Unknown:
Some car. Don't worry. This car will get us out. Yeah. If the wind is with us, we'll make good time. Have you got enough fuel to get us to the preachers, Judy? Why sure. This car burns very little cold. You'd be better off if you burnt soft cold, kid.
[00:18:31] Unknown:
Here we go. Everybody fasten your safety belts. Well, we're almost at the preachers. Costella, my lover, we're going to be happy, ain't we? I said we're gonna be happy, ain't we? Costella, I've been talking to you for the last 10 miles. All you do is keep taking your head from side to side. I can't help it. I got my nose caught in the windshield wiper.
[00:19:05] Unknown:
There's the preacher's house, Judy. Stop the car. Put on your brakes. Brake? What brakes? What brakes? What brakes? The brakes are the things that stop the car.
[00:19:15] Unknown:
Oh. Happy, put your foot out.
[00:19:19] Unknown:
Okay, Pepe. Get back in the car, Dumpy. I read that wrong too. Alright. Let's go, Costello. Few minutes more, you'll be a happy married man. Savage, you've gotta help me. I'm too young to get married. I'm just a baby. I still suck my thumb. You suck your thumb? Yeah. I can't reach my big toe anymore. Well, Judy, now
[00:19:42] Unknown:
I told you I'd get your husband, didn't I? Yes. Sure did, Patty. Too bad for our old grandpa can't be here to see it. What happened to your grandpa? He dropped dead.
[00:19:52] Unknown:
How do you know he's dead? Did Did you put a mirror in front of his face? Yep. That's why he dropped dead. Alright, folks. Let's go inside and get this over with. Oh, this is gonna make me the happiest girl in the South. Are you sure you're from the South? I thought southern people had long drawls. Oh, I took mine off and made my stockings look lumpy.
[00:20:13] Unknown:
Come on, honey lamb. This won't take but a minute and ain't gonna hurt a bit. Just step right up in front of that preacher. Say I do and we'll be off on our honeymoon. Now wait a minute. Now wait a minute. Now listen, Judy. Before we get married, I want you to do a favor for me. What's that, lover? I hate to ask you, but give me a give me a kiss.
[00:20:28] Unknown:
Oh, here. That's it. That's all. I knew it. I knew it. The marriage is gone.
[00:20:36] Unknown:
The marriage is off just so I can kiss you? Certainly. If you kiss me, you kiss anybody.
Lucky Land Casino asking people what's the weirdest place you've gotten lucky. Lucky? In line of the deli, I guess? In my dentist's office. More than once, actually. Do I have to say? Yes. You do. In the car before my kids' PTA meeting. Really? Yes. Excuse me. What's the weirdest place you've gotten lucky? I never went in town. Well, there you have it. You could get lucky anywhere playing at luckylandslots.com. Play for free right now. Are you feeling lucky? No purchase necessary. Void record written by law. 18 plus terms and conditions plus. See what type of details.
[00:00:31] Unknown:
Okay. Round two. Name something that's not boring.
[00:00:36] Unknown:
Laundry? Oh, a book club. Computer solitaire.
[00:00:42] Unknown:
Sorry. We were looking for Chumba Casino. Chumba. That's right. ChumbaCasino.com has over a hundred casino style games. Join today and play for free for your chance to redeem some serious prizes. ChumbaCasino.com.
[00:01:05] Unknown:
Oh, there you are, Costello. Here is here is the first programmer of the new year and you are late. Oh, so I'm late. Yeah. What's going on? The kind of leap you're at? I was passing the call on Hollywood And Vine and 30 women jumped on me. 30? At Hollywood And Vine? Hollywood And Vine. That's where the wolves hang out. This year, it's Wolverine. Oh, stop. Stop. Stop. Okay. Why you should see these women fighting over me, Abbot. One of them grabbed my left arm, another grabbed my right arm, then one grabbed my other leg, then one grabbed the other leg, one grabbed my ears, my nose, my hair. Wait a minute. But why should that make you late? Well, I had to go to Lockheed to get reassembled. Well, it's late here. And you've got to expect those things. Yeah. But I wasn't even safe. I go to Lockheed. As soon as I walked in, but then two arms around me had kissed me 12 times before I could even kiss her once. She kissed you 12 times to your once? Yes. She was a riveter.
Hey, a riveter kissed you. I don't believe it. Oh, you don't. Now now now cuss now. Don't run down leap year. Will you please Lou? Listen. I didn't read it wrong. No. Will you listen to buddy? Don't run down leap year. This is an excellent opportunity for some nice girl to propose to you. And then you can settle down down and get married. Wait a minute, Abbot. Who wants to get married? I don't want no mother-in-law. What's wrong with a mother-in-law? Do you know what a mother-in-law is? Sure. A mother-in-law is the gestapo with bloomers. But Costello, marriage is wonderful. Wouldn't you like to have people throw rice at you? No. Well my brother got married. They threw rice at him. It's too messy. Rice isn't messy. It is when it's mixed with chop suey. It's all right. Talk then, please.
Look, Will, weddings are beautiful, Costello. Don't you like the old fashioned unions? No. They get to me all over. Will you cut that out? Your underwear doesn't fit our conversation. My underwear will fit anything, brother. Alright. Never mind that, Gostela. I still say that a wife is your best friend. Oh, no. Your mother is your best friend. And I think it's the same when they have just one holiday for your mother and two for your father. Two holidays for your father. What are they? Father's day and puppy's day. Because, Della, you're talking like that because you haven't even got a girl. Oh, yes. I have, Abbot. I got a girl. I got a big full of girl's name, all in alphabetical order. And what's the first name in the book? Zelda. Zelda.
Hello. Hey, it's Ken Niles. Hello, Ken. I'm sorry. I'm late. I just came from the blood bank. You just came from the blood bank. Look Niles, they want plasma, not asthma. Now you stop that, Costello. That Niles is so anemic that a mosquito bit him and lost blood on the deal. Oh, shut up. Ken, I'm glad you dropped in. Costello and I have been had quite a discussion here. He's been running down married. Running down marriage? Why Costello, marriage is wonderful. Look at Abbot and me. Yes, Costello. Ken and I are married. Oh, congratulations. I hope you two guys will be very happy. I didn't like that Freddie. Those two guys are married. No. No. I think it was late. Now wait a minute. I don't mean it that way. Don't I have two men. Married a man at Queen. Now don't be stupid. I know somebody had married a man. Look, just a who? My sister. Yeah. Your sister. Oh, I didn't like it.
Look, let's come here. Look. Let's take Ken Niles. Let's take Ken Niles and his wife. Here from the field. Look, just a minute. Will you? Let's take Ken Niles and his wife. Oh, sure. We'll take them. We'll take them. Now, there's a happy married couple. That's right, Bud. Well, I can't stand to be away from my wife for a second. When I leave the house in the morning, she goes with me. I take her to the office, to the golf club. Even when I go out with the boys, she goes with me. Now, did you hear that, Costello? Miles takes his wife every place he goes. Sure. If he can ever get a load of the puss on that team, he'd rather take her with him than kiss her goodbye. Oh, why insulted you.
[00:05:06] Unknown:
I heard that remark. Oh, I heard that remark short and dumpy. You can talk about anybody's appearance. You with your double chin. I got no double chin. It's my necktie. Then your necktie needs a shave.
[00:05:24] Unknown:
Darling, you're so funny. You kill me. Oh, no. No, dear. You're funny than I am. You kill me. No, you kill me. Oh no. You kill me. If there's anybody out there with a hunting license, what are you waiting for? I want you to stop that, doctor. Come here. You understand that? I want you to stop it. Mister and missus Niles are a wonderful example of marriage. Look at Ken standing there holding her hand. If he ever let go, she'll pee his brains out.
[00:05:58] Unknown:
That's not true, docteller. Our marriage has been perfect. I'll never forget our wedding day. Oh, I look so lovely in my bridal veil. You would even look better in a bridal.
[00:06:11] Unknown:
Don't listen to him, missus Niles. Please pay no attention to him. Go ahead. Tell us more about your wedding day. Oh, it was thrilling. You know, Kenneth and I had a runaway marriage. Yeah. He ran away. You ran after him.
[00:06:23] Unknown:
I did not. I don't chase men. They chase me. Why? New Year's Day. I had dozens of men chasing after me. I know. You played with Washington in a Rose Bowl game. Why? I know nothing about Washington. Not even George. Oh. Well, yes. I was with him at Valley Forge. I just got that. Oh, come get her.
[00:06:47] Unknown:
Now look what you did, Costello. Well, look what I did. You started the whole thing. I had it trying to talk me into getting married. You're not gonna get me tied for anything. Hello? Costello speaking. Mr. Castello, let me be the first to congratulate you on your decision about women. Women are nothing but trouble. I know. I've been married. I say down with women. Hey. Thanks for backing me up, friend. I wish I could do some favor for you. You can. Take them. Let me out of here. I'm all right. I tell you. I'm all right. You see, Castello, that proves what I said. Marriage is a wonderful institution. Oh yeah? Look at the institution he's in. Get out of here.
I'm Tony Abbott for the last time. The last time I don't want to get married. But Costello you're being silly. Marriage is great. And there's nothing like having a place to come home to. Why even the president. When he came home from Cairo, arrived at the gates of the White House and whistled. And who came out? Tyler. He's always home. Let's talk sense. Now anyway, Abbot, I'm sick and tired of talking sense. All year I get talk sense. If I get married, I'd have to give up my career. You know, I'm a beatcomber at the union station. A beatcomber in a in a railroad station? Sure. I stand there and watch the waves come in. Watch the waves come in. That's about the only way you could get a girl. Is that so? You may not know what Abbott, but Terry, Grett, and I go fifty fifty on girls. Really? Of course. He gets some under 50 and I get all those over.
Come in.
[00:08:21] Unknown:
Oh, it's Connie Hanes. Hello, Connie. Hello, mister Abbott. Hello, my fat little sugar man. Miss Priscilla Yeah. This is me, dear. I wanna propose to you. I wanna marry you before some beautiful actress gets on the roof.
[00:08:36] Unknown:
Pee, Connie. You think that I'm handsome?
[00:08:38] Unknown:
No. But they're running out of the handsome ones, and they'll be taken there from your class next.
[00:08:43] Unknown:
Connie, are you really in love with Costello? Yes. I am. Mister Costello,
[00:08:47] Unknown:
last night I dreamed that you took me to dinner. Dream on, though. Then I dreamed that that you took me to Doctor. Darryl for dancing.
[00:08:56] Unknown:
Dream on, kid.
[00:08:58] Unknown:
And then I dreamed that you bought me the most beautiful mink coat. Wake up. Wake up.
[00:09:06] Unknown:
Costello, what's wrong with you? Here a lovely girl throws herself at you and you don't appreciate it. Yes. I don't drink. I don't stay out late. I don't pet. I'm a nice girl. Well, I don't drink. I don't stay out late and I don't pet. Gee, you're a nice girl too. Good. Now you see what you did, Costello? You just don't know how to handle women. Listen. I'll tell you what I'll do. I'll coach you. Let's suppose I'm the man and you're the woman. I can't be a woman. Why not? It's too late. I well It happened. And after all. What do you mean it's too late? I've been saving since yesterday. Oh. Oh. Oh. Well. But who's the igloo out with service myself? Alright. Look. Look. We'll just make believe. Look. Make believe you're the woman and I'm coming to your house to call her. Her. Now are you ready? No. Wait a minute. What kind of a woman am I, a blonde or a brunette? Look, I don't care if you're a blonde or a brunette. I don't even care if you're bald headed. Oh, you mineral Come in.
Now, will you please get get with it? Now, remember, you're the girl and I'm coming to call on. Here I come. Wait. Will you answer the door? Will you answer the door? Oh, I'm in the kitchen talking to the iceman. Forget the iceman. Oh, but he's a very cute iceman. I said drop the iceman. Sorry, Sam. Oh, come here. We'll try it once more. Now come on. Get with it. Now I knock on your door. Why don't you why don't you answer the door? I'm playing hard to get. Oh, this is ridiculous. I I'm getting no place with you. Come on. You're not even half science. Look at it. Let's try it the other way. You'll be the woman. Oh, I couldn't be a woman. Why not? You've been getting by as a man for years. Alright. I'll be the woman. Go ahead. Come up to my door and knock. I appreciate you.
Why didn't you knock? I never knocked on a sailor. Oh, right. Oh, darling. Raise your voice, kid. I I think, oh, darling. I love you. Hold me in your arms. You ain't kidding, aren't you? Please. Press me. Press me. I'm a sailor, not a sailor. Ah, but, Wina, what is that beautiful perfume that smells so nice? Paul, that is it I do, Harry. You smell pretty too. What odor is that? That's three nights on a two train. Come here, Costello. Have you an idiot in your family? No. Do you wanna be adopted? Gosh. Shut up. I'm trying to teach you something. How to get along with girls, and you don't appreciate it. You're just plain stupid. I know I'm stupid, but but I didn't have a chance if you had a kid pet Abbott. I had to leave school in the third grade to support my gray haired old mother.
How old were you? 35. 30 five. Will you keep my Lo come here. What I'm trying to tell you about love. I think it's very, very simple. Look what I'm trying to explain is very simple. All nature expresses it. Here come here. Here look out that window. See those beautiful swirls near that tree. You see them there, Lou? Oh, yeah. Yes. Do you see those? Yeah. Yeah. Now that's what I'm going for. Now I can see them so plain. No. No. Notice how they approach each other. They get closer and closer. Look. They're rubbing noses. See that? Oh, yeah. Well, that's all there is to it. That's all. Well, goodbye, Abbot. See you later. Where are you going? To propose to a girl? No. That's a squirrel. Dogget out of here. Hey. I'll tell them. Somebody hit the door. Come in.
I'd like to talk to Lou Costello. That's me. I've come here to talk to you about marriage. Sorry. You don't appeal to me. Quiet. Let me handle this, Lou. What's the trouble, neighbor? Well, search this away. Mister Costello, on your way to the broadcast today, did you tip your hat to a girl on the street? Yes, sir. She said hello to me, so I tipped my hat. Well, that was my daughter, so I'm here to arrange for the wedding. What's Wendy? I tipped my hat. That's all my friend. You and my daughter sir. She is aiming to get married. Oh yeah. Well, I ain't aiming to marry her. I got a shotgun here. Your aim is better than mine.
Just a minute, mister. Tipping your hat to a lady is hardly a proposal of marriage. That's the law where I come from. Skunk Hollow. Oh, so you come from Skunk Hollow. Yes, sir. I live right in the hollow. Nice to have a place named after you. I ain't wasting any more time. Come in here, gal. Down in this year's my daughter, Judy Penover.
[00:14:02] Unknown:
That's the man, puppy. The little fat one. Come into my arms, little fat man.
[00:14:08] Unknown:
I love you. Get away from me. Get out of here. Oh, no.
[00:14:15] Unknown:
Tell me you love me. Speak to me. Speak to me. I can't keep you sitting on my chest. Let me out here. Oh, come on into my arm. Oh, gee. This is wonderful. I wish I had this much butter.
[00:14:32] Unknown:
I don't know. You got the point.
[00:14:43] Unknown:
You sure ain't got any. I have no. Come on. Come on. Come on here now. Let's run off and get married.
[00:14:56] Unknown:
Oh, no. No. You mean you want me to fly away with you? Fly? Well, you're accused, Lee. You couldn't get off the runway. Hey. You should talk. Get a load of those pigtails. You look like a p thirty eight with teeth.
[00:15:09] Unknown:
Because, oh, that's no way to talk to Judy Cano. Now she's a very lovely girl. Yep. And I'll make you a perfect wife. I can cook. I can sew. And right now I'm knitting the gloves. Why only one glove? What are you gonna do with it? I'm gonna put it on the towel to keep the milk warm.
[00:15:22] Unknown:
Hey, but take those fishy thing away from me. Will you? Oh, stop complaining. Beauty is only skin deep. Take away the skin and whatever you've got. I don't know, but I hate to have it for a blind date too. See here, Judy. I don't understand why you're chasing at the Costello. Don't you have a boyfriend in Skunk Hollow? Oh, sure. I got lots of boyfriends back home. As my friend's fact, they selected me as their favorite 10 up girl. Really?
[00:15:44] Unknown:
Yeah. If if they hadn't chased the dogs away from that tree, I'd have been pinned up there yet.
[00:15:50] Unknown:
Oh, look at him. Oh, mister Costello, won't you marry me? Why should I? My uncle married my aunt, and my father married my mother. Yeah. So why should I marry a total stranger?
[00:16:03] Unknown:
Well, now listen here. I don't care what you say. You are gonna marry me. Now I even got the ring. And where'd you get it? Some millionaire pastor who sunk Hollow last week and gave it to me. City fella by the name of Woolworth.
[00:16:16] Unknown:
That's a pretty emerald ring. Oh, that ain't no emerald. The emerald's green. Waiting to wear it a while. Look Lou, this marriage isn't such a bad idea. Don't you want to call some girl Mrs. Costello? No. That's my mother's name. I've heard enough of this talk. Judy, you're gonna stand there and let this fat boy insult you? Show them how tough you are. Alright, boss. Give me the shotgun. Judy,
[00:16:43] Unknown:
you just shut off six of your toes. Oh, that's alright. I got eight more left.
[00:16:50] Unknown:
I
[00:16:54] Unknown:
I wouldn't marry a girl like you. You don't even wear shoes. Joss. I never wear shoes. I just paint my feet brown and lace up my toes.
[00:17:02] Unknown:
Come on, Tatiana. Get out into that car now. We're heading for the princess. You're gonna be my husband. I'm gonna be your what? You heard her, Costello. You know what a husband is? Yes, sir. A husband is what's left of a sweetheart after the nerve has been killed. Now listen here.
[00:17:24] Unknown:
I tell you I'm tired of all this air talking. Try selling. You see this gun? It nuked bullet nine miles and froze rocks the rest of the way.
[00:17:32] Unknown:
Get moving. You hear me? Hey. That gun barrel is cold. A long way. Keep it off my neck, please. Hey, Adam. It's doing something. Well, you should have it a backward. You're going to love being married. Now let's go. Yep. Now come on. You've gotta get me out of this now, will you? I don't wanna live on no farm. Yeah. But living at Rancho Cinnova is wonderful. Why you can help me round up the cows. How can you round up cows with those bullies? What have I got to do with it? You must have a terrible time getting your calves together.
[00:18:00] Unknown:
What's the matter with my calves?
[00:18:05] Unknown:
Quit arguing, Costello. Get in the car. Come on. Open the door. Hey. Your door fell off.
[00:18:13] Unknown:
Doggone it. I knew that chewing gum wouldn't hold.
[00:18:16] Unknown:
Some car. Don't worry. This car will get us out. Yeah. If the wind is with us, we'll make good time. Have you got enough fuel to get us to the preachers, Judy? Why sure. This car burns very little cold. You'd be better off if you burnt soft cold, kid.
[00:18:31] Unknown:
Here we go. Everybody fasten your safety belts. Well, we're almost at the preachers. Costella, my lover, we're going to be happy, ain't we? I said we're gonna be happy, ain't we? Costella, I've been talking to you for the last 10 miles. All you do is keep taking your head from side to side. I can't help it. I got my nose caught in the windshield wiper.
[00:19:05] Unknown:
There's the preacher's house, Judy. Stop the car. Put on your brakes. Brake? What brakes? What brakes? What brakes? The brakes are the things that stop the car.
[00:19:15] Unknown:
Oh. Happy, put your foot out.
[00:19:19] Unknown:
Okay, Pepe. Get back in the car, Dumpy. I read that wrong too. Alright. Let's go, Costello. Few minutes more, you'll be a happy married man. Savage, you've gotta help me. I'm too young to get married. I'm just a baby. I still suck my thumb. You suck your thumb? Yeah. I can't reach my big toe anymore. Well, Judy, now
[00:19:42] Unknown:
I told you I'd get your husband, didn't I? Yes. Sure did, Patty. Too bad for our old grandpa can't be here to see it. What happened to your grandpa? He dropped dead.
[00:19:52] Unknown:
How do you know he's dead? Did Did you put a mirror in front of his face? Yep. That's why he dropped dead. Alright, folks. Let's go inside and get this over with. Oh, this is gonna make me the happiest girl in the South. Are you sure you're from the South? I thought southern people had long drawls. Oh, I took mine off and made my stockings look lumpy.
[00:20:13] Unknown:
Come on, honey lamb. This won't take but a minute and ain't gonna hurt a bit. Just step right up in front of that preacher. Say I do and we'll be off on our honeymoon. Now wait a minute. Now wait a minute. Now listen, Judy. Before we get married, I want you to do a favor for me. What's that, lover? I hate to ask you, but give me a give me a kiss.
[00:20:28] Unknown:
Oh, here. That's it. That's all. I knew it. I knew it. The marriage is gone.
[00:20:36] Unknown:
The marriage is off just so I can kiss you? Certainly. If you kiss me, you kiss anybody.
