In this whimsical holiday episode, we dive into a comedic narrative filled with misunderstandings, festive preparations, and a touch of nostalgia. The story unfolds with a series of humorous exchanges about Christmas party preparations, including a mix-up with invitations and a hilarious attempt to trim a Christmas tree with spaghetti. As the characters navigate through their mishaps, they encounter a variety of colorful personalities, from movie stars to quirky relatives, each adding their own flair to the chaotic yet charming holiday scene.
Amidst the laughter, the episode takes a heartfelt turn as Lou Costello reflects on a childhood Christmas memory, sharing a poignant lesson about the spirit of the season. Through a blend of comedy and sentiment, the episode captures the essence of holiday cheer, reminding listeners of the importance of kindness, belief, and the joy of being surrounded by loved ones. Join us for a delightful journey that celebrates the magic of Christmas with humor and heart.
(00:30) The World of Power, Loyalty, and Luck
(01:21) Preparing for the Party
(06:17) Downtown Adventures and Invitations
(12:17) The Lonely Christmas Party
(13:11) A Christmas Reflection
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[00:00:00]
Unknown:
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[00:00:59] Unknown:
Welcome to the family. No purchase necessary. VGW group. Boy where prohibited by law. 18 plus. Terms and conditions apply. Apply. Well? Well, cut, fellas? Where have you been? Why weren't you here fixing up the house for the party? Oh, hey, Abba. I had to sit down to jail to get my landlady out. You know, missus had to pushed? I had to get her out on bail. What do you mean? She got arrested for shoplifting. They finally caught her. I thought she was too smart to get caught. Well, she made a mistake. She stole an alarm clock and hid it in her bustle. Well, how did they catch her? Her bustle went off at a quarter of eight. Never mind your land. Never mind your land, lady. Did you send out the invitation for the party? Oh, yeah. I got them right here. Look what it says. What is it? Blue Cross never invites you to a Christmas party to be held in his home, d a p o b. D a d a p o b? Yep. Yep. You mean RSVP?
Oh, no. I mean, d a p o b, bring a pound of butter. Oh, boy. What a party I'm gonna have. My aunt Mae will bring her cranberry sauce, that first specialty. Anne Catherine will bring her plum pudding, that first specialty. And Anne Eva will bring her 14 children, that's a that's a nice family. I had. Yeah. Never mind your relatives. Look. Forget about your relatives for a minute, dude. Yeah. Yeah. And did you remember to get souvenirs for everybody? Oh, souvenirs. Yes. Yeah. I'm having favors for the girls. At 12:00, I'm gonna turn the lights off. Oh, yeah. Any favors for the men? What do you call turning the lights off? Not not, Stella. Who did you invite beside your relatives? Oh, a lot of movie stars. And I invited Lana Turner. And she kissed me. I don't turn it against you. There's smoke that's been coming out of my ears for nothing.
Come on, tell us. How how about the tree? Did you get a tree? Mhmm. Did you get a tree? Oh, can I get a tree? I got the biggest Christmas tree I ever saw. Well I just got so put in the living room. You did? Why that tree? That's six feet higher than the ceiling. Well, it's a shame to have to cut the top off. That's the way I felt about it too. Sure. Sure. Shall I cut a hole in the ceiling? I have You cut a hole in the ceiling of our our living room? Yeah. This will be the first Christmas we ever had a tree in our bathroom. 12 things. Good luck.
What kind of a tree did you get? Is it a fur? Oh, yes. It's one of those what did you say? I said did you get a fur? No. I got a tree. Oh, stop this silliness. I I wanna see your fur. My fur? Certainly. What am I? I still have a fox now. I'm not talking about, fur, f u r. The fur the fur, I mean, has an I in it. Oh, the fur has an I in it. Yeah. Just one I? Certainly. There's just one I. One I in fur. Plus the I, k five. No. No. No. No. No. I don't I don't I don't I don't I don't I don't I don't I don't I don't I don't I don't I don't belong in the kind of fur I'm talking about.
I doesn't belong in that kind of fur? Oh, yes. I belongs in it, but, you doesn't. Why should you belong in fur if I doesn't? I have to look better and fur than you do. I'm prettier than you. I'm Unitarian. Never had a No. No remarks. No remarks. No. Bad boy. Never mind. I'm trying to find out what kind of Christmas tree you've got. Look. Wait a minute. Here. I've got it. What kind of bark did it have? What kind of bark? Yes. Didn't you notice the, tree bark? No. Have I hear my son? No. No. No.
[00:04:40] Unknown:
Bark bark bark. Oh, bark. Yes. No.
[00:04:45] Unknown:
No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No
[00:04:48] Unknown:
Did the, tree have a rough coat? No. But the girl who showed it to me had on a smooth sweater and all of that.
[00:04:56] Unknown:
And no time no time for singing, please. The bark is the coat. Yeah. You find it on the trunk of a fir tree. A tree has a trunk of of course. That must be where he keeps his coltus heard. No, cuss. I'm gonna try to explain it to you now. You at all. All Christmas trees belong to the Pine family. Oh, no. They don't. This Christmas tree belongs to me. Right now, wait a minute. Let the Pine family get their own tree. Forget the Pines family, godzilla. I don't think you know anything about tree. Who do? You don't. I do. I make my own tree. Did you feed them yourself? Did I feed them?
Yes. Yes. I asked you. Did you seed your own tree? Yes. I seed them every day. I seed them this morning. I seed them last night. You can come over and seed them anytime you want. How can I seed them when you seeded them? First? Look, Abbot. What have I got put in my house? Trees. Did you seed them? No. Did I seed them? Yes. In other words, you looked at my seeds, but you didn't see them. That's right. Let me smell your breath. I know I said time to see why I was trying to tell you about the pine. But we get tar from pine. We get what? The tar. Tar. Haven't you ever heard of pine tar? No. But I heard of a tree tar. Tree tar? Yeah. Climb climb climb with the tree tar. Climb climb with the tree tar.
Costello, what did we have to come downtown for? Oh, I gotta get some more spaghetti out of it so I can finish trimming my Christmas tree. I couldn't find any pencil this year so I'm trimming a tree with spaghetti. And boy, doesn't look beautiful. Oh, what's beautiful about trimming a tree with spaghetti? Every time I plug it in, the meatballs light up. No. Take it to Take it. Take it over that silliness again. Hey, Adam. Look who's in the cart. That movie actress, Betsy Mae Mucho. Hello, miss Mucho. Hello, boys. Yeah. Glad I saw you. I wanna invite you to my Christmas party tonight, miss Mucho. Oh, I'm very sorry, but I have to go down to Los Angli. I'm having a dinner party at the Ambassador Hotel.
The Ambassador Hotel. Oh, sure, Addict. You know where the Ambassador is. That's the home of the cuckoo nut glue. Oh, it's going to be a thrilling dinner. Yeah. We're going to have quab Louie and steamed quam. Clam? Yes. Don't you just adore clam? No. I'd rather have a plate of Floyd Ooster. Well, I must be sedawning. I beg your pardon? I must be sedawning and all. No. He isn't. It's okay. I sure not want those Spanish words, don't I?
[00:07:39] Unknown:
Well, that's one turn down for your party.
[00:07:42] Unknown:
I don't care, rabbit. I don't care if you don't wanna come. Here comes my girlfriend, Lena Gesta. She'll come to my party tonight. She's madly in love with me. Ah, there you are. You sawed off Boris Carlock. Standing on street corners sporting with girls. I wasn't foot winning it, girl, Selena. I'm saving myself for you. Thanks, Fatso, for saving so much. I've got a bone to pick with you. I put some of that perfume you gave me on my hair. Wait a minute. I think it has a nice golden tint. What is it? Chanel number 5? No. Telephone number 7. and all.
You little wire. I'm sweetie, sweetie. Let's be friends. I'd never desert you. I'd stand by you. I'm as solid as the rock of Jiperosa. I can believe that. You're sticking out in the Mediterranean. Look, Lena. Don't talk like that. I was just gonna ask you to come to my Christmas party tonight. Are you kidding? I'm going out with Van Johnson tonight. Oh, Van Johnson. You always talk about Van Johnson. Take away a slice of curly hair. What do you got left? I don't know. But you can deliver to my house in the morning. Good luck.
Well, there's number two today when it comes to my spot. Hey, Cassandra. First, is that miss Niles getting off the street car? Oh, hello, miss Abbott. You always stand on street corners leaning on a trash can? Oh, that's Costello I recognize. Hey. He looks like the third day of the last weekend. You know, I wish I understood that, missus Loyals. I was gonna thank you for that beautiful Christmas card I got this morning. Oh, it really was nothing. It was merely a picture of me. Lyle. I know it, but how did you get your teeth to spell out Merry Christmas?
[00:09:38] Unknown:
No. No. Please.
[00:09:40] Unknown:
No. Stop that. Our Mrs. Niles won't come to your party. I wouldn't come to his party anyway. I always thought about the young girl she told. It helps me to keep young. That's not grand to think of life at 70. Why? What happened then? Goodbye.
[00:10:01] Unknown:
Well,
[00:10:02] Unknown:
it looks like you're not going to have any party. That's the third turndown you've had. I don't care, rabbit. Yeah. Let's go home. I'm gonna call up some of my other friends. I'll get somebody to come. Here. Come on. Let's grab this cab. Tabby, drive us to North Hollywood. North Hollywood? What's the matter with Glendale? Just let alone with Glendale. I don't live there. Oh, Glendale ain't good enough for you.
[00:10:24] Unknown:
Alright. Go on, Cartel. Say it. Glendale is a one horse town. Glendale ain't a one horse town. Oh, and why that was my job with the city street department.
[00:10:34] Unknown:
Why don't stand there? Say it. I tell people I'm not a citizen of Glendale. Well, say I never even voted. You voted. You voted. You voted. Three times,
[00:10:46] Unknown:
Go ahead. Go on. Start a rumor. Tell everybody I got paid when I voted. Mad head. You didn't get a test before. Oh, the $6 they gave me was for a dog life. Oh, now I'm a dog.
[00:10:58] Unknown:
Tell everybody I'm a dog. Tell me you'll beat the liver. I wouldn't blow you my liver. What's the matter with your liver? Alright. You tell me what's wrong with my liver. Get a load of this punk. Now he wants me to go to school for four years, study day and night to be a doctor just so I can tell him what's wrong with his liver.
[00:11:15] Unknown:
Smellinhead, I don't want that. I thought it's cool. Oh, you want me to be a moron like you?
[00:11:21] Unknown:
Please. Please, fellows. This this is the Christmas season. Remember, peace on earth. Ice. Yes, Melonette. Why do you have to pitch on me like this? Yes, Melonette. Haven't you ever heard of the expression turn the other cheek? Boys, you're right. I feel sorry for everything I said here tonight, and I I'd like to turn the other cheek so I can feel the humility. Costello, will you please slap me? You mean that? Yes. You mean oh, I slapped it before. Sure. Didn't I? That's what I can't. That's it. Okay. Now now tap the other cheek. Here. Are you kidding? Oh, hey. Thanks, Costello. You know, nobody would ever believe that metal head would turn the other cheek. Costello? Yes. Will you please write down on this paper here that I did? Sure. Sure. I look at Cello slap metal head of Gucci. Hey. I suppose you're gonna show it to all your friends. No. I'm gonna show it to my lawyer. How do you know you're well done? I'll show you for a better way. Get me a lawyer. Get me a fucking assuriat. Get me out of here.
[00:12:18] Unknown:
Well, Carsello, it's twelve midnight. Not a soul has shown up for your party.
[00:12:22] Unknown:
I can't understand it. I don't know. Nobody showed up for my party at all.
[00:12:27] Unknown:
I thought my girlfriend Lina would surely show up. Yes. It's a shame that you aren't going to to get to kiss her under the mistletoe. The what? The mistletoe. Didn't you ever kiss a girl under the mistletoe? No. I always kiss them under the nose.
[00:12:41] Unknown:
Well, it looks like nobody's going to kiss you tonight. Yes, Abbott. All my friends have deserted me. I'm just a failure. No. You're not, Costelli. You're a big success. No, Abbott. I'm just a complete flop. No. You're not, Costelli. You're a great guy, not No, Abbott. I'm just a sort of little ugly looking dope. Well, don't stand there. Argue with me. Oh, stop this, Gutzilla. Please. I'm going to bed, Abbot. Good night. Wait a minute. Aren't you, going to hang up your stocking? No. Santa Claus won't even come here. No. That's wrong, Gutzilla. Santa Claus loves everybody. He doesn't love me, Abbot.
He don't. Santa Claus has never come to my house on Christmas since I was seven years old. I was a smart aleck little kid in those days, just like some boys and girls are today. I went around saying I didn't believe in Santa Claus. If a kid come up and said he'd believe in Santa Claus, I used to say, oh, I I'm nothing but a sissy. There ain't no Santa Claus. That's your father. But now I realized how wrong I was. I wanna tell all the little boys and girls what happened to me. Let's all be children again. Let me take you back to Christmas Eve some twenty years ago. I've been out all day playing with my friends, Charterhead Abbott and Skinny Niles. It was a beautiful Christmas Eve.
Snow was falling, and you could see the light color Louis Hostel. Coming, mother. Louis Hostel, stop talking that pad. I'm not I'm not talking it, ma. I'm trying to get the money out. Well, there's no money in that, Ted. Yes. There is. Last night when power stand broke, I heard him say, everybody put money in a kitty. Oh, that's the the cost of your father now. No. That was kind of a sneaky knock. Probably the ice man. Oh, never mind the door. I'll see who it is. You go wash your dirty face. Oh, ma, why can't I just go up and and and cover the dirt with powder like you do? Why, it's the little Abbott boy and the Niall boy. We came over to tell you what Louie did. He came over to my house and asked my mother to bend her head down so he could see her horn. You snitcher.
Why? Why, Louis Cartel, you naughty boy. Whatever made you think that missus Abbott had horn? I heard you say that when she got dressed up, she looked like the devil. Yeah. Nanny don't. She did either, miss Costello. Louie said my mother keeps the cat in the icebox. I know this Nas does not keep a cat in her icebox. Then why does everybody say she's got a frozen pussy? You shouldn't stop this arguing, and, Louie, you get ready for bed right away. Santa Claus will be coming along in a bit now. Good night. I can hardly wait till Santa Claus gets here.
Listen, Jenny. Hi. It's Clay Bell. Yeah. And I can hear him walking around on the roof. He's getting ready to come down and tempt me.
[00:15:50] Unknown:
Who built that fire in the fire tank? I did. But you realize that you gave me a hot foot? That isn't the way I planned it.
[00:16:02] Unknown:
Well, I'm sorry I'm late, boys, but I had to stop off at Betty Grable's house. Why did you have to stop off there, Nana? After spending a year up there in the cold North, you got a throw out something like.
[00:16:13] Unknown:
Quiet, Louie. Gee, Santa Claus. I I hope you've brung us kids some nice presents. Oh, yes. Yes. I did. I brought some nice present for you, buddy Abbott, then you can. But as for you, Louie Costello, you've been a bad boy. You hear? A bad
[00:16:33] Unknown:
boy. Katie Clouse, did you have lamb chops for dinner?
[00:16:38] Unknown:
I'll take care of you later, Louie. Here, Kenny and Buddy, are your friends. Now run along like good little boys. He thinks better. That's alright. Good night. Good night. Good night. Now, Louis Costello, I wanna show you all the black marks I've got down here against you and my book. Now here's a report from your Sunday school teacher. She tells me you put fly paper in all the pews last Sunday, that you put a cap in the pipe organ, that you put limburger cheese behind all the radiators, and then you put a cap from a Coca Cola bottle in the collection box and took out 15¢ pay.
[00:17:12] Unknown:
Now what do you say to that? I'm a busy little bee, ain't I?
[00:17:16] Unknown:
Oh, nice. You haven't heard the word. I see that a few years ago, you flirted with a little girl in school. Is that true? I'm afraid it is. And is it true that you gave her your class pin? What class pin? I was only two years old. I gave her the only pin I had.
[00:17:36] Unknown:
Alright. Alright. Let's let the whole thing drop. That's what happened.
[00:17:41] Unknown:
And finally, Luke, the biggest black mark against you is that you've got a book under your mattress.
[00:17:47] Unknown:
Yes, sir. Santa Claus, you're telling me a book about how to make tea the right color. How to make tea the right color? What's the name of it? Forever Amber.
[00:17:58] Unknown:
Well, I guess that settles it, Louis. I'm afraid there's nothing I can leave you for Christmas. Nothing? You mean just plain zero? That's right, Louis. Maybe someday when you've learned to behave yourself, I may come back again. Well, good night.
[00:18:15] Unknown:
Gee. I guess I'm just the kind of a boy my mother don't want me to associate with. Nobody likes me. Even Santa Claus can't stand me. Buddy Abbott and Kenny Niles both got presents, but I didn't get nothing. I'm gonna write a letter to my mom and my pop, and then I'm gonna run away from here. Dear mom and pop, when you read this, I will be thousands of miles away. Don't ever look for me because you're not gonna find me. I'm never coming back. Maybe someday when I'm old, about 11 or 12. After I make a million dollars, I'll come home and I'll buy a a nice new dress, mom. And I'll give pop a new pair of overalls. That's what he calls his happy clothes. Please take the fleas out of my fleas circus and put them back on the dog so they won't get hosted. And also get to feed my little pet goat twice a day.
There's a close pig hanging fire escape. I love you mom and pop, but this is the best way out. Your loving son, Louis Costello. Boys and girls, That happened over twenty years ago, and Santa Claus has never come back to see me to this day. Please, kiddies, take a lesson from me and be good boys and girls, so that next Monday night, Christmas Eve, you won't be waiting for Santa Claus that didn't come like I've been waiting for all these years. Oh, come, Lou. I guess we better go to bed.
[00:19:47] Unknown:
Eric, that's it. Now look. Eleven,
[00:19:51] Unknown:
Urschlina, and Connie Haynes, and Smiling Head, and Ken Isles. Oh, boy. Y'all came to my party. Yes. Yes. And I'm here too, Louis. Ten o'clock. You finally came and you even brought your horse with you. What horse is me? Pardon me, mister Sniles. Gee, I didn't dream that anything like this was gonna happen. I thought that nobody cared about me anymore. I was dreaming of a slight Christmas.
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[00:00:09] Unknown:
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[00:00:59] Unknown:
Welcome to the family. No purchase necessary. VGW group. Boy where prohibited by law. 18 plus. Terms and conditions apply. Apply. Well? Well, cut, fellas? Where have you been? Why weren't you here fixing up the house for the party? Oh, hey, Abba. I had to sit down to jail to get my landlady out. You know, missus had to pushed? I had to get her out on bail. What do you mean? She got arrested for shoplifting. They finally caught her. I thought she was too smart to get caught. Well, she made a mistake. She stole an alarm clock and hid it in her bustle. Well, how did they catch her? Her bustle went off at a quarter of eight. Never mind your land. Never mind your land, lady. Did you send out the invitation for the party? Oh, yeah. I got them right here. Look what it says. What is it? Blue Cross never invites you to a Christmas party to be held in his home, d a p o b. D a d a p o b? Yep. Yep. You mean RSVP?
Oh, no. I mean, d a p o b, bring a pound of butter. Oh, boy. What a party I'm gonna have. My aunt Mae will bring her cranberry sauce, that first specialty. Anne Catherine will bring her plum pudding, that first specialty. And Anne Eva will bring her 14 children, that's a that's a nice family. I had. Yeah. Never mind your relatives. Look. Forget about your relatives for a minute, dude. Yeah. Yeah. And did you remember to get souvenirs for everybody? Oh, souvenirs. Yes. Yeah. I'm having favors for the girls. At 12:00, I'm gonna turn the lights off. Oh, yeah. Any favors for the men? What do you call turning the lights off? Not not, Stella. Who did you invite beside your relatives? Oh, a lot of movie stars. And I invited Lana Turner. And she kissed me. I don't turn it against you. There's smoke that's been coming out of my ears for nothing.
Come on, tell us. How how about the tree? Did you get a tree? Mhmm. Did you get a tree? Oh, can I get a tree? I got the biggest Christmas tree I ever saw. Well I just got so put in the living room. You did? Why that tree? That's six feet higher than the ceiling. Well, it's a shame to have to cut the top off. That's the way I felt about it too. Sure. Sure. Shall I cut a hole in the ceiling? I have You cut a hole in the ceiling of our our living room? Yeah. This will be the first Christmas we ever had a tree in our bathroom. 12 things. Good luck.
What kind of a tree did you get? Is it a fur? Oh, yes. It's one of those what did you say? I said did you get a fur? No. I got a tree. Oh, stop this silliness. I I wanna see your fur. My fur? Certainly. What am I? I still have a fox now. I'm not talking about, fur, f u r. The fur the fur, I mean, has an I in it. Oh, the fur has an I in it. Yeah. Just one I? Certainly. There's just one I. One I in fur. Plus the I, k five. No. No. No. No. No. I don't I don't I don't I don't I don't I don't I don't I don't I don't I don't I don't I don't belong in the kind of fur I'm talking about.
I doesn't belong in that kind of fur? Oh, yes. I belongs in it, but, you doesn't. Why should you belong in fur if I doesn't? I have to look better and fur than you do. I'm prettier than you. I'm Unitarian. Never had a No. No remarks. No remarks. No. Bad boy. Never mind. I'm trying to find out what kind of Christmas tree you've got. Look. Wait a minute. Here. I've got it. What kind of bark did it have? What kind of bark? Yes. Didn't you notice the, tree bark? No. Have I hear my son? No. No. No.
[00:04:40] Unknown:
Bark bark bark. Oh, bark. Yes. No.
[00:04:45] Unknown:
No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No
[00:04:48] Unknown:
Did the, tree have a rough coat? No. But the girl who showed it to me had on a smooth sweater and all of that.
[00:04:56] Unknown:
And no time no time for singing, please. The bark is the coat. Yeah. You find it on the trunk of a fir tree. A tree has a trunk of of course. That must be where he keeps his coltus heard. No, cuss. I'm gonna try to explain it to you now. You at all. All Christmas trees belong to the Pine family. Oh, no. They don't. This Christmas tree belongs to me. Right now, wait a minute. Let the Pine family get their own tree. Forget the Pines family, godzilla. I don't think you know anything about tree. Who do? You don't. I do. I make my own tree. Did you feed them yourself? Did I feed them?
Yes. Yes. I asked you. Did you seed your own tree? Yes. I seed them every day. I seed them this morning. I seed them last night. You can come over and seed them anytime you want. How can I seed them when you seeded them? First? Look, Abbot. What have I got put in my house? Trees. Did you seed them? No. Did I seed them? Yes. In other words, you looked at my seeds, but you didn't see them. That's right. Let me smell your breath. I know I said time to see why I was trying to tell you about the pine. But we get tar from pine. We get what? The tar. Tar. Haven't you ever heard of pine tar? No. But I heard of a tree tar. Tree tar? Yeah. Climb climb climb with the tree tar. Climb climb with the tree tar.
Costello, what did we have to come downtown for? Oh, I gotta get some more spaghetti out of it so I can finish trimming my Christmas tree. I couldn't find any pencil this year so I'm trimming a tree with spaghetti. And boy, doesn't look beautiful. Oh, what's beautiful about trimming a tree with spaghetti? Every time I plug it in, the meatballs light up. No. Take it to Take it. Take it over that silliness again. Hey, Adam. Look who's in the cart. That movie actress, Betsy Mae Mucho. Hello, miss Mucho. Hello, boys. Yeah. Glad I saw you. I wanna invite you to my Christmas party tonight, miss Mucho. Oh, I'm very sorry, but I have to go down to Los Angli. I'm having a dinner party at the Ambassador Hotel.
The Ambassador Hotel. Oh, sure, Addict. You know where the Ambassador is. That's the home of the cuckoo nut glue. Oh, it's going to be a thrilling dinner. Yeah. We're going to have quab Louie and steamed quam. Clam? Yes. Don't you just adore clam? No. I'd rather have a plate of Floyd Ooster. Well, I must be sedawning. I beg your pardon? I must be sedawning and all. No. He isn't. It's okay. I sure not want those Spanish words, don't I?
[00:07:39] Unknown:
Well, that's one turn down for your party.
[00:07:42] Unknown:
I don't care, rabbit. I don't care if you don't wanna come. Here comes my girlfriend, Lena Gesta. She'll come to my party tonight. She's madly in love with me. Ah, there you are. You sawed off Boris Carlock. Standing on street corners sporting with girls. I wasn't foot winning it, girl, Selena. I'm saving myself for you. Thanks, Fatso, for saving so much. I've got a bone to pick with you. I put some of that perfume you gave me on my hair. Wait a minute. I think it has a nice golden tint. What is it? Chanel number 5? No. Telephone number 7. and all.
You little wire. I'm sweetie, sweetie. Let's be friends. I'd never desert you. I'd stand by you. I'm as solid as the rock of Jiperosa. I can believe that. You're sticking out in the Mediterranean. Look, Lena. Don't talk like that. I was just gonna ask you to come to my Christmas party tonight. Are you kidding? I'm going out with Van Johnson tonight. Oh, Van Johnson. You always talk about Van Johnson. Take away a slice of curly hair. What do you got left? I don't know. But you can deliver to my house in the morning. Good luck.
Well, there's number two today when it comes to my spot. Hey, Cassandra. First, is that miss Niles getting off the street car? Oh, hello, miss Abbott. You always stand on street corners leaning on a trash can? Oh, that's Costello I recognize. Hey. He looks like the third day of the last weekend. You know, I wish I understood that, missus Loyals. I was gonna thank you for that beautiful Christmas card I got this morning. Oh, it really was nothing. It was merely a picture of me. Lyle. I know it, but how did you get your teeth to spell out Merry Christmas?
[00:09:38] Unknown:
No. No. Please.
[00:09:40] Unknown:
No. Stop that. Our Mrs. Niles won't come to your party. I wouldn't come to his party anyway. I always thought about the young girl she told. It helps me to keep young. That's not grand to think of life at 70. Why? What happened then? Goodbye.
[00:10:01] Unknown:
Well,
[00:10:02] Unknown:
it looks like you're not going to have any party. That's the third turndown you've had. I don't care, rabbit. Yeah. Let's go home. I'm gonna call up some of my other friends. I'll get somebody to come. Here. Come on. Let's grab this cab. Tabby, drive us to North Hollywood. North Hollywood? What's the matter with Glendale? Just let alone with Glendale. I don't live there. Oh, Glendale ain't good enough for you.
[00:10:24] Unknown:
Alright. Go on, Cartel. Say it. Glendale is a one horse town. Glendale ain't a one horse town. Oh, and why that was my job with the city street department.
[00:10:34] Unknown:
Why don't stand there? Say it. I tell people I'm not a citizen of Glendale. Well, say I never even voted. You voted. You voted. You voted. Three times,
[00:10:46] Unknown:
Go ahead. Go on. Start a rumor. Tell everybody I got paid when I voted. Mad head. You didn't get a test before. Oh, the $6 they gave me was for a dog life. Oh, now I'm a dog.
[00:10:58] Unknown:
Tell everybody I'm a dog. Tell me you'll beat the liver. I wouldn't blow you my liver. What's the matter with your liver? Alright. You tell me what's wrong with my liver. Get a load of this punk. Now he wants me to go to school for four years, study day and night to be a doctor just so I can tell him what's wrong with his liver.
[00:11:15] Unknown:
Smellinhead, I don't want that. I thought it's cool. Oh, you want me to be a moron like you?
[00:11:21] Unknown:
Please. Please, fellows. This this is the Christmas season. Remember, peace on earth. Ice. Yes, Melonette. Why do you have to pitch on me like this? Yes, Melonette. Haven't you ever heard of the expression turn the other cheek? Boys, you're right. I feel sorry for everything I said here tonight, and I I'd like to turn the other cheek so I can feel the humility. Costello, will you please slap me? You mean that? Yes. You mean oh, I slapped it before. Sure. Didn't I? That's what I can't. That's it. Okay. Now now tap the other cheek. Here. Are you kidding? Oh, hey. Thanks, Costello. You know, nobody would ever believe that metal head would turn the other cheek. Costello? Yes. Will you please write down on this paper here that I did? Sure. Sure. I look at Cello slap metal head of Gucci. Hey. I suppose you're gonna show it to all your friends. No. I'm gonna show it to my lawyer. How do you know you're well done? I'll show you for a better way. Get me a lawyer. Get me a fucking assuriat. Get me out of here.
[00:12:18] Unknown:
Well, Carsello, it's twelve midnight. Not a soul has shown up for your party.
[00:12:22] Unknown:
I can't understand it. I don't know. Nobody showed up for my party at all.
[00:12:27] Unknown:
I thought my girlfriend Lina would surely show up. Yes. It's a shame that you aren't going to to get to kiss her under the mistletoe. The what? The mistletoe. Didn't you ever kiss a girl under the mistletoe? No. I always kiss them under the nose.
[00:12:41] Unknown:
Well, it looks like nobody's going to kiss you tonight. Yes, Abbott. All my friends have deserted me. I'm just a failure. No. You're not, Costelli. You're a big success. No, Abbott. I'm just a complete flop. No. You're not, Costelli. You're a great guy, not No, Abbott. I'm just a sort of little ugly looking dope. Well, don't stand there. Argue with me. Oh, stop this, Gutzilla. Please. I'm going to bed, Abbot. Good night. Wait a minute. Aren't you, going to hang up your stocking? No. Santa Claus won't even come here. No. That's wrong, Gutzilla. Santa Claus loves everybody. He doesn't love me, Abbot.
He don't. Santa Claus has never come to my house on Christmas since I was seven years old. I was a smart aleck little kid in those days, just like some boys and girls are today. I went around saying I didn't believe in Santa Claus. If a kid come up and said he'd believe in Santa Claus, I used to say, oh, I I'm nothing but a sissy. There ain't no Santa Claus. That's your father. But now I realized how wrong I was. I wanna tell all the little boys and girls what happened to me. Let's all be children again. Let me take you back to Christmas Eve some twenty years ago. I've been out all day playing with my friends, Charterhead Abbott and Skinny Niles. It was a beautiful Christmas Eve.
Snow was falling, and you could see the light color Louis Hostel. Coming, mother. Louis Hostel, stop talking that pad. I'm not I'm not talking it, ma. I'm trying to get the money out. Well, there's no money in that, Ted. Yes. There is. Last night when power stand broke, I heard him say, everybody put money in a kitty. Oh, that's the the cost of your father now. No. That was kind of a sneaky knock. Probably the ice man. Oh, never mind the door. I'll see who it is. You go wash your dirty face. Oh, ma, why can't I just go up and and and cover the dirt with powder like you do? Why, it's the little Abbott boy and the Niall boy. We came over to tell you what Louie did. He came over to my house and asked my mother to bend her head down so he could see her horn. You snitcher.
Why? Why, Louis Cartel, you naughty boy. Whatever made you think that missus Abbott had horn? I heard you say that when she got dressed up, she looked like the devil. Yeah. Nanny don't. She did either, miss Costello. Louie said my mother keeps the cat in the icebox. I know this Nas does not keep a cat in her icebox. Then why does everybody say she's got a frozen pussy? You shouldn't stop this arguing, and, Louie, you get ready for bed right away. Santa Claus will be coming along in a bit now. Good night. I can hardly wait till Santa Claus gets here.
Listen, Jenny. Hi. It's Clay Bell. Yeah. And I can hear him walking around on the roof. He's getting ready to come down and tempt me.
[00:15:50] Unknown:
Who built that fire in the fire tank? I did. But you realize that you gave me a hot foot? That isn't the way I planned it.
[00:16:02] Unknown:
Well, I'm sorry I'm late, boys, but I had to stop off at Betty Grable's house. Why did you have to stop off there, Nana? After spending a year up there in the cold North, you got a throw out something like.
[00:16:13] Unknown:
Quiet, Louie. Gee, Santa Claus. I I hope you've brung us kids some nice presents. Oh, yes. Yes. I did. I brought some nice present for you, buddy Abbott, then you can. But as for you, Louie Costello, you've been a bad boy. You hear? A bad
[00:16:33] Unknown:
boy. Katie Clouse, did you have lamb chops for dinner?
[00:16:38] Unknown:
I'll take care of you later, Louie. Here, Kenny and Buddy, are your friends. Now run along like good little boys. He thinks better. That's alright. Good night. Good night. Good night. Now, Louis Costello, I wanna show you all the black marks I've got down here against you and my book. Now here's a report from your Sunday school teacher. She tells me you put fly paper in all the pews last Sunday, that you put a cap in the pipe organ, that you put limburger cheese behind all the radiators, and then you put a cap from a Coca Cola bottle in the collection box and took out 15¢ pay.
[00:17:12] Unknown:
Now what do you say to that? I'm a busy little bee, ain't I?
[00:17:16] Unknown:
Oh, nice. You haven't heard the word. I see that a few years ago, you flirted with a little girl in school. Is that true? I'm afraid it is. And is it true that you gave her your class pin? What class pin? I was only two years old. I gave her the only pin I had.
[00:17:36] Unknown:
Alright. Alright. Let's let the whole thing drop. That's what happened.
[00:17:41] Unknown:
And finally, Luke, the biggest black mark against you is that you've got a book under your mattress.
[00:17:47] Unknown:
Yes, sir. Santa Claus, you're telling me a book about how to make tea the right color. How to make tea the right color? What's the name of it? Forever Amber.
[00:17:58] Unknown:
Well, I guess that settles it, Louis. I'm afraid there's nothing I can leave you for Christmas. Nothing? You mean just plain zero? That's right, Louis. Maybe someday when you've learned to behave yourself, I may come back again. Well, good night.
[00:18:15] Unknown:
Gee. I guess I'm just the kind of a boy my mother don't want me to associate with. Nobody likes me. Even Santa Claus can't stand me. Buddy Abbott and Kenny Niles both got presents, but I didn't get nothing. I'm gonna write a letter to my mom and my pop, and then I'm gonna run away from here. Dear mom and pop, when you read this, I will be thousands of miles away. Don't ever look for me because you're not gonna find me. I'm never coming back. Maybe someday when I'm old, about 11 or 12. After I make a million dollars, I'll come home and I'll buy a a nice new dress, mom. And I'll give pop a new pair of overalls. That's what he calls his happy clothes. Please take the fleas out of my fleas circus and put them back on the dog so they won't get hosted. And also get to feed my little pet goat twice a day.
There's a close pig hanging fire escape. I love you mom and pop, but this is the best way out. Your loving son, Louis Costello. Boys and girls, That happened over twenty years ago, and Santa Claus has never come back to see me to this day. Please, kiddies, take a lesson from me and be good boys and girls, so that next Monday night, Christmas Eve, you won't be waiting for Santa Claus that didn't come like I've been waiting for all these years. Oh, come, Lou. I guess we better go to bed.
[00:19:47] Unknown:
Eric, that's it. Now look. Eleven,
[00:19:51] Unknown:
Urschlina, and Connie Haynes, and Smiling Head, and Ken Isles. Oh, boy. Y'all came to my party. Yes. Yes. And I'm here too, Louis. Ten o'clock. You finally came and you even brought your horse with you. What horse is me? Pardon me, mister Sniles. Gee, I didn't dream that anything like this was gonna happen. I thought that nobody cared about me anymore. I was dreaming of a slight Christmas.
