In this lively episode, we dive into the comedic world of Abbott and Costello, exploring their humorous banter and classic routines. The episode kicks off with a playful exchange about a trip to a department store, where Costello humorously recounts buying peanut brittle for his uncle and the chaos that ensues. The conversation shifts to a series of comedic sketches involving family antics, a visit to a psychiatrist, and Costello's attempts at romance, all delivered with the duo's signature wit and timing.
Listeners are treated to a series of laugh-out-loud moments as Abbott and Costello navigate through a series of absurd situations, from banking mishaps to romantic misadventures. The episode captures the essence of their comedic style, blending slapstick humor with clever wordplay. Whether it's Costello's exaggerated tales or Abbott's straight-man responses, this episode is a delightful throwback to the golden age of radio comedy, promising entertainment and nostalgia for fans of classic humor.
(00:00) Judy's Casino Adventure
(01:11) Shopping Shenanigans
(03:31) Abbott and Costello's Banking Fiasco
(07:19) Costello's Romantic Misadventures
(16:24) The Psychiatrist's Office
Listen to our radio station Old Time Radio https://link.radioking.com/otradio
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Remember that times have changed, and some shows might not reflect the standards of today’s politically correct society. The shows do not necessarily reflect the views, standards, or beliefs of Entertainment Radio
[00:00:00]
Unknown:
Judy was boring. Hello. Then Judy discovered chumbacasino.com.
[00:00:05] Unknown:
It's my little escape.
[00:00:06] Unknown:
Now Judy's the life of the party. Oh, baby. Mama's bringing home the bacon. Woah. Take it easy, Judy. Chumba. The Chumba Life is for everybody. So go to Chumbacasino.com and play over a hundred casino style games. Join today and play for free for your chance to redeem some serious prizes. Chumba. Chumbacasino.com. No purchase necessary for you. We're prohibited by law. 18 plus terms and conditions apply. See website for details. It is Ryan here, and I have a question for you. What do you do when you win? Like, are you a fist pumper, a woo hooer, a hand clapper, a high fiver? I kinda like the high five, but if you wanna hone in on those winning moves, check out Chumba Casino. At chumba casino dot com, choose from hundreds of social casino style games for your chance to redeem serious cash prizes. There are new game releases weekly plus free daily bonuses, so don't wait. Start having the most fun ever at chumbacasino.com.
[00:01:12] Unknown:
Hey, Cassella. Cassella, come over here. What were you doing in that department store? I just bought my Uncle Mike a pound of peanut brittle. What do you mean peanut brittle? No. Peanut brittle. Because he's got no teeth in his brittle. You know, there was a lot of excitement in that store, Cassella. What happened? Well, Annie Clark, he kept running up and down the stairs. You should've seen him up and down the stairs. Why? Well, he had to. His beard was caught in the escalator. Bad. Did you buy anything besides the peanut brittle? Yes. My uncle Mike is wearing a stuffed seal of his feet, so I bought him a new shirt. Jeff? Sure. He'll be hiring the type. Did you buy anything else? Well, I got a piece of mistletoe to hang on my nose. You're gonna hang a piece of mistletoe on your nose? Oh, sure. She's here. I'm gonna have a little fun on my own horse. Did you buy you buy a present for your ass, Mae? Yeah. I got her a case of soap chips. Why soap chips? Well, she lives in California all her life. She's never had a white Christmas. I'm thinking about that. Did did you go to the policeman's ball last night? Yes. But I didn't have a very good time. Why not? None of the policemen would dance with
[00:02:18] Unknown:
me.
[00:02:19] Unknown:
When I left, then I went to the Burbank Theater. They got a piece of girl basketball players that got on the scene, and she immediately takes the bat Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait a minute, Godzilla. That's not a girl's basketball player. You saw a bubble dance. I thought it was funny to never drop that ball. I she's crying, Carcella. Now that's enough from you. Give my friend here a chance at the microphone. PDQ gasoline is so full of power, mileage, and the spirit of Christmas that PDU dealers had a pretty swell gift to make your Christmas more fun than a cleansing. Three Christmas stickers. You know how to dial up those pretty packages you wrapped. Beautifully, colorfully printed. Some of them just dripping sentiment. Others quick as an offhand gag.
Yes. You'll find these handy decorations for Christmas packaging will add infinitely to the zesty spirit of Christmas giving. For you have one or more appropriate decorative Christmas stickers to put on gifts for everybody from baby to granddad. Nothing to buy, of course. Just drive in to any PDQ service station and ask for your free Christmas sticker. If you don't own a car, borrow one, but drive in soon and ask for your free set of Christmas stickers. Get yours before they're gone. Get them p q. Are you ready, mister Vanda? Then arm with the Abbott and Costello show.
Come on, Costello. I'm back. Take those bicycle clips off your trousers. Did you ride your bicycle to the studio again today? Yes. It's very dangerous. Oh, it ain't as dangerous as being a pedestrian. It's getting so bad that even us voice cops can't help old ladies across the street anymore. But we figured out of the system. What do you do? We round up all the old ladies among corners, then we sent for Tom Brennaman. I got sellers don't make fun of Tom Brennaman. He's got quite an influence on the lady. You're telling me? My aunt and me have gotten to so many of his broadcast, you won't let my uncle Mike come to the breakfast table unless he's wearing a woman's backpack. Mike still plays the he washed up with Mike Jones' band.
That's case number. Mike Jones had to get rid of him. Why? The test went to a test. He pulled his watch up and bought a fender. Alright? What is your uncle Mike doing now? Well, he drives in the Midget Auto Races. Is, Mike a fast driver? Abbott. I drove down the highway with him chunky. We were going so fast, the Burma gave signs were lathering up doctor Pepper. Sir, uncle Mike, your uncle Mike is wackier than you are. I can't understand how your aunt made married him. Happens to say they got married, uncle Mike was drugged. Your aunt may drugged him? Yeah. She drugged him all the way to the church and then drugged him right up to the altar. It was a beautiful wedding. They had a double ringed turmoil. A double ringed thermal? Yeah. My uncle Mike slipped the thing on her finger, and my aunt may slip once to his nose.
Right after the wedding, uncle Mike put his foot down. He said, Mae, the one that wears the pants in this family will handle the money. Well, how does it work out? You know, my aunt may look mighty nice and black
[00:05:20] Unknown:
out.
[00:05:23] Unknown:
Your uncle Mike and aunt may are quite a couple. Have they got any children, Lou? But sure. Last year, they had triplets. Triplets? Boys or girls. Well, one was a boy and one was a girl, but they never found out what the person was. When I was three days old, it blew away. How long have it? I'm going up to the hospital to visit my uncle Mike. Mike? Mike in is in the hospital? Mhmm. Why only last night I saw him zero with a blonde. So did my aunt May. I brother, did she hit him? I don't blame her. She hit him with provocation. Yes. She hit him with what was that? She hit him with provocation. She did not. She hit him with a chair. No. No.
I'm talking about provocation. Provocation made her hit him with a chair. Provocation may have made her hit him with a chair, but fighting a zero was her own idea. Why do they always fight? Why why can't they be like me and my wife? We deal with arguments coming along like globs in the yard and cool off. Yes. You haven't been in the house in twenty years. That's right. Now I found out how you get that 10. Never mind that. That's not true, Costello. My wife and I are very happy. Oz is a real
[00:06:32] Unknown:
match up bromance.
[00:06:34] Unknown:
Yes. You're a wrecking piece. Look like a toothbrush. Not I would say you're really cute, Mary. You. You don't even know what a husband is. A husband is what's left of a sweetheart after the nerve has been killed. I am. You know what? You know what's the matter with you? You're afraid to get married. I am not. Alright. What would you do if a beautiful blonde came along and proposed to you? I'd get a marriage license to marry you. Suppose a beautiful redhead came along and proposed to you? I'd get a marriage license to marry you. And if a beautiful brumette came along, I'd get a marriage license to marry you. Wait a minute. Where are you getting all those marriage licenses? The same place you're getting all the girls. Hi. Tell me you never tried to get married. I did too. I once spoke to the Lonely Hearts Club. I said I wanted to marry somebody with hair like mine, and I enclosed the lock of my hair and what happened. I got letters from two cocker spaniels.
Then please look. How is your romance coming with mister Miller? I think she wants to see me in a baby. What makes you sad? Every time I ask her to go out with me, she tells me
[00:07:45] Unknown:
to go jump in a lake. Hello, darling. Hello. It's
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Susan Miller.
[00:07:52] Unknown:
Go ahead. Stop, Dylan. Ask her for a date. Susan, you'll go up with me tonight. I'll make love you like Napoleon made love to Cleopatra.
[00:08:00] Unknown:
Cleopatra and Napoleon lived a thousand years apart. What's the difference as long as they love each other?
[00:08:07] Unknown:
After all, you're making a mistake mistake by not going out with me. Remember, sister, tell me. Oh, because, darling, I hadn't thought of that. Now you've got it, Susan. I ain't got an idea. How would you like a diamond ring, a diamond necklace, me, Cody? You got all those things for me? No. But I've got the idea. I tell her there's no way to talk to Susan. You're nothing but a fat,
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slippery, thought of little ignoramus. Poor little.
[00:08:34] Unknown:
I'm just as big an ignoramus as you are. The one that Susan will go out with you. You've never offered to do anything for her. Susan, let me take you home tonight. I'll help you solve all your problems. But I haven't got any problem. I haven't taken you home yet. Oh, goodbye. I don't blame Susan Miller for turning you down every night in the week. You're off with a different girl. You long have it? I only go out with six girls. Six girls. I take Sunday off. Monday, I go with Mabel. Tuesday, I go with Rose. Wednesday, I go with Amy. Thursday, I go with Ruth. Friday, I go with Betty. Saturday, I go with Clarence. And Sunday, I take off. Hello, mister Costello. There goes my Sunday off.
Costello, if you put your money in the bank, you wouldn't be able to rob a girl. Now I'm taking you to the bank right now, and you're going to open a savings account with that $10.
[00:09:34] Unknown:
Now let's go in.
[00:09:35] Unknown:
Just banking on it. Look at that sign. Asset, $4,000,000. Oh, how does that make that make them dishonest move? My mother put $7 in that bank yesterday. Why didn't they change that sign? That's evidence of a fine bank. That man coming this way, he's the president. That looking guy is the president, certainly. What happened to Truman? Then Republicans have probably got him standing in for any future. Oh, right, Castello. Here he is. Well, well, mister Abbott, hey. Who dragged this oversized piggy bank in here? Oh, pardon me. That's Costello. That Costello wants to put some money in the bank. Fine. Fine. Now where would you like to put it, Costello? Taking account, savings account for the bull? Can I have that last thing again? Bull. Bull. Surely, you know about our bull. Well, I don't fault very well, but if you wanna dance, let's get him.
Thank you, Melonette. Castello wants to open a savings account. Fine. In that case, we'll have to fill out a new deposited part. Here we are. Now first your name. Lou Costello.
[00:10:37] Unknown:
How do you spell Costello? I don't see I'll see what? See what? You just put down Joan. Alright.
[00:10:47] Unknown:
Now how do you spell Joan? Let Joan worry about that. My name is Costello. Now look look. We have to have your name. It's the rules of the same. Now in case something goes wrong, the money goes to your next of kin. Now tell me your name so I can tell your mother. My mother knows my name. Alright. How much money have you got to deposit? I got $10.01 dollar bill. Okay. Hand it over here and I'll count it. Let me see. 12345678.
[00:11:14] Unknown:
There's only $8 here. 8. Wait a minute. There must be someone to take your out now. +1, 23456. There's only 6.
[00:11:24] Unknown:
Hey. Hand it back to your rabbit. I'll turn it again.
[00:11:28] Unknown:
+1, 234.
[00:11:30] Unknown:
There's only $4 here. Wait a minute. Let me count it. It won't last. I'm not at risk. Look. I wanna deposit $10. Now I only got 4. That's alright. You can put up security for the other $6. Now about security, do you have a car or jewelry, or does anyone in your house have a fur coat? Only my air tail, but I don't think it's your sign. Well, in that case, I'll accept the $4. Congratulations. You are now one of our depositors. Now when you walk into the bank of cellos, you can put up a big front. How do I do that? In your case, walk in backwards.
[00:12:11] Unknown:
Mister Ronald, we're now on the road to success. Remember,
[00:12:14] Unknown:
to become rich, you must save your money. You've got to be thrifty. Thrifty. You've got to be economical. Economical? Artemonious. Artemonious? You don't know the meaning of failure. I don't know the meaning of parsimonious. Just give me my money, melon. But you came in here as one of our depositors, Cicello. If you take your money back, you will go out of here as one of our withdrawers. I'll go out like what? Withdrawers. Withdrawers. I hope so. I came in here when I'm It's okay. Gotcha. Don't withdraw your money. Remember, you're putting it in the bank so you won't spend it on girl. Girl, joker, tell her you squander your money on girl, do you? How long has this been going on? When did you start going with girl?
As soon as I found out that I wasn't one. Enough of this nonsense, Gastel. Your money's saved here, and Bank of Melon Head is going to handle your financial affairs. I certainly will handle your financial affairs. Costello, here's how I'll do it. First, I will calculate your fiscal remuneration. Next, I will deflate your budget by taking a terrific slice out of your monetary millennium. After that, I'll compound your debenture, flip your coupons, and then I will set your capitalized assets until your amortization covers your inflated fiduciary encumbrances.
You wouldn't dare. Well, Castello, now that you've got a bank account, why don't you ask the president of the network for a for a raise? I asked him for a raise our first week and he said, don't worry. We'll take care of you. Just play ballroom. I asked him again the second week. What did he say? Just play ball with it. Then I asked him again the third week. What did he say then? Just play ball with it. Well, are you gonna get the raise? No. But I'm getting to be a heck of a ball player. I well, if you do get the raise and save the money, you'll wind up with a bankroll. With the money they're paying me, I'll be looking if I went up with a pussyroll. But I made a smart investment of it. I just bought forty thousand nineteen forty six calendars for $3, like, you dummy. Nineteen forty six calendars are worthless.
$19.46 is gone. Yeah. But if it ever comes back, brother, will I be rich? I'm not sure why you figured with all the money you had in that bank. Well, no. I really got another hundred dollars, but don't worry. It's in the safest place in the world. Where is that? Susan Miller's stocking? That's a safe place? Sure. I can always keep my eye on it, but I can't get my hands on it. She keeps it right over her knee. It's a joint account. But But I'm gonna ask Susan to get it back to me. Why? You keep me wearing the new long shirts that don't draw no interest. I you keep your money in the bank. No Christmas shopping. You You understand? I get my coffee yesterday at it. When them stores crowded, you get pushed around. Switched around?
Wow. I bought a gift at the May company, and I had to get it wrapped at first. I got my change at Nancy's department store. I left right away a magazine, found out I had the wrong package, and the only place I could exchange it was East In Columbia for Broadway at night. I have been spending money on girls again. I told you have a day tonight with that, redhead from Glendale. I don't go there no more, Adam. Every time we park in my car, she tried to start to fly The car? Then I have taken out a new girl. She thinks I'm a great football player. Darcella, why do you always try to deceive the girl? You'll never get away with it. Bluffing people that you can play football. Why not? Stanford University has been doing it all season. But, sir, I'm gonna take you to a psychiatrist and see if we can cure you from continually pretending to be something you're not. My uncle Mike went to one of them guys. My uncle Mike, he used to think he was a saint for our dog. Is he cured? No. But he's much better. Now he thinks he's only a pink and eat. Alright.
Yeah. But you ain't taking me no to no psychiatrist.
[00:16:11] Unknown:
No. No. No. No. No. He won't hurt you. Are you afraid? No. Are you a coward? No. Are you a sissy?
[00:16:19] Unknown:
No. Now let's try it with my end. Oh, come on. We're going to visit that psychiatrist right now. Well, here's here's the, psychiatrist's office. Got that. Come on. Let's go in. David. Sit right down. Now look at Abbott. I'm getting out of here. Now look at that guy. He's got a big lump on his head. Oh, you've noticed a lump on my head. I got it last night playing piggyback with my three year old me. Playing piggyback with your three year old me? Yes. I fell off her back. Oh. That's nothing. I once had my nose broken in three places. Well, What did you do about it? I'm staying out of those three places.
Ocetto? Acella, you remind me of a patient of mine, a traffic cop, gives everybody tickets, gives tickets for no reason at all. Well, wouldn't he be considered crazy? Not in California, he wouldn't. And last night, he gave his wife a ticket at the dinner table just for parking the butter too near the kitchen. He was right. She was in a red zone. You know, some schooling yes, indeedy. Some schooling cops gave me a ticket this morning just because I stuck something in the back of another guy's car. What was it? The front of my car. We're getting no place to you could say that again. Yes. I'm I'm saying it. Can you cure Costello of going out with girls? I think so. I'll give him something that'll make him too tired to go out with girls.
[00:18:00] Unknown:
Here, walk over to this drugstore and get this prescription paid. Joe's Drug Store, Dayton, Ohio.
[00:18:08] Unknown:
Will, will the medicine make you too tired if I were to? Oh, the medicine's no good, but that walk ought to knock you out. But, Pastor, Costello's trouble is that he has these girls such a terrific line that they all fall for. Well, in that case, I'll have to close his mind. Now, Costello, lay down on that rubber life raft. I'm having my car three up on. That's right. Now tell me, just what do you say to these girls? Well, every Monday night, I call on seventy ten points. I go to her.
[00:18:43] Unknown:
Good evening, testy, my dear. Well, it's a Disney My Hero, five feet pop star. Now congratulate you on how not you're on interact with us looking your big old uniform. How could you lie like that? Just for your information, you haven't given me an introduction to that man.
[00:19:13] Unknown:
It. It sounds like she's been gargling with blood cleanser. Testing, my love, may I present fireman Abbott of the Hook and Ladder Division? And if he don't stop hooking ladders, I'm gonna fire him out of the division.
[00:19:31] Unknown:
Oh, sweetie. You're so beautiful and so beautiful.
[00:19:36] Unknown:
Oh, that's it. Get tall in the game. Just yesterday, I was sitting in the firehouse and an alarm came in from a movie theater. Yes. It was three minutes to six. I jumped in my car, blew across town 90 miles an hour to get to that movie theater. It's like you go so fast. I wanted to get there before the prices change.
[00:19:51] Unknown:
I see. I saw you must be a self salesman of Lazarus.
[00:19:54] Unknown:
Oh, I don't like to brag, but Saturday, I was sitting on top of the hook and ladder steering. The driver was pulling me along at 90 miles an hour. Suddenly, at Hollywood, it was finding me the right turn, and I made a left turn. What happened? It was the first time that pedestrians were knocked off all four corners at the same time. That's not glad I met you.
[00:20:27] Unknown:
Well,
[00:20:37] Unknown:
Well, that's what happened with Jesse Ginsberg. It's very interesting. And now she's Eric Costello. What are the girls that you've moved? Well, I very nice. I go to see Honeychild Lee. She's a lovely little girl. This is my honest child, you all.
[00:21:00] Unknown:
Well, phone my phone, phone, and jotting my jotting bread of it. Colonel Costello.
[00:21:09] Unknown:
Colonel Costello. This is terrible.
[00:21:12] Unknown:
Colonel, who are your common plan? Colonel, this
[00:21:16] Unknown:
is my Effie Boone companion. Major Abbott, as soon as you can pay the 5 more mint dunes, you all will be a full person.
[00:21:32] Unknown:
Oh, god. I'm your little old father, man. Oh,
[00:21:46] Unknown:
Oh, yes. Quite a scandal down in Birmingham. Somebody stole a bronze suit off a statue of Stonewall jacket. Left them standing there with a DVD. That's weird. It's such a straight to the south of Southern General standing there in a union suit. You see, professor? Hands out a different line. Girl. Very interesting. And now, turtle, dining, cocktail, what are the girls that you've been talking? Tell them about Cleo Smith. Well, Cleo thinks I'm a big used car dealer. Kurt the Jersey. Kurt the Jersey? Yeah. He's the guy that sells the cars to Madman Muntz.
[00:22:32] Unknown:
By the way, Cox, Kendall. I see you have a picture of Lassie on the back of your wallet. Don't tell me you've been going out with Lassie. That's the saddest case of all. She thinks I'm rinsed in skin.
[00:22:44] Unknown:
And now, Costello, in order to cure you, I must know everything. Are there any more girls you haven't told me about?
[00:22:50] Unknown:
No, sir. Are you sure? Professor, would I lie? Professor, can you do anything for yourself? I'll start the treatment tomorrow. Goodbye, and give your name to my secretary on the way up. That's that's secretary. My.
[00:23:07] Unknown:
Miss, I'm the new patient. And, Well, governor Fasillo, how have you been in Idaho?
[00:23:13] Unknown:
I've been mighty, mighty busy. Alright. Come on. Good. The boys will be back in just a few sec
Judy was boring. Hello. Then Judy discovered chumbacasino.com.
[00:00:05] Unknown:
It's my little escape.
[00:00:06] Unknown:
Now Judy's the life of the party. Oh, baby. Mama's bringing home the bacon. Woah. Take it easy, Judy. Chumba. The Chumba Life is for everybody. So go to Chumbacasino.com and play over a hundred casino style games. Join today and play for free for your chance to redeem some serious prizes. Chumba. Chumbacasino.com. No purchase necessary for you. We're prohibited by law. 18 plus terms and conditions apply. See website for details. It is Ryan here, and I have a question for you. What do you do when you win? Like, are you a fist pumper, a woo hooer, a hand clapper, a high fiver? I kinda like the high five, but if you wanna hone in on those winning moves, check out Chumba Casino. At chumba casino dot com, choose from hundreds of social casino style games for your chance to redeem serious cash prizes. There are new game releases weekly plus free daily bonuses, so don't wait. Start having the most fun ever at chumbacasino.com.
[00:01:12] Unknown:
Hey, Cassella. Cassella, come over here. What were you doing in that department store? I just bought my Uncle Mike a pound of peanut brittle. What do you mean peanut brittle? No. Peanut brittle. Because he's got no teeth in his brittle. You know, there was a lot of excitement in that store, Cassella. What happened? Well, Annie Clark, he kept running up and down the stairs. You should've seen him up and down the stairs. Why? Well, he had to. His beard was caught in the escalator. Bad. Did you buy anything besides the peanut brittle? Yes. My uncle Mike is wearing a stuffed seal of his feet, so I bought him a new shirt. Jeff? Sure. He'll be hiring the type. Did you buy anything else? Well, I got a piece of mistletoe to hang on my nose. You're gonna hang a piece of mistletoe on your nose? Oh, sure. She's here. I'm gonna have a little fun on my own horse. Did you buy you buy a present for your ass, Mae? Yeah. I got her a case of soap chips. Why soap chips? Well, she lives in California all her life. She's never had a white Christmas. I'm thinking about that. Did did you go to the policeman's ball last night? Yes. But I didn't have a very good time. Why not? None of the policemen would dance with
[00:02:18] Unknown:
me.
[00:02:19] Unknown:
When I left, then I went to the Burbank Theater. They got a piece of girl basketball players that got on the scene, and she immediately takes the bat Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait a minute, Godzilla. That's not a girl's basketball player. You saw a bubble dance. I thought it was funny to never drop that ball. I she's crying, Carcella. Now that's enough from you. Give my friend here a chance at the microphone. PDQ gasoline is so full of power, mileage, and the spirit of Christmas that PDU dealers had a pretty swell gift to make your Christmas more fun than a cleansing. Three Christmas stickers. You know how to dial up those pretty packages you wrapped. Beautifully, colorfully printed. Some of them just dripping sentiment. Others quick as an offhand gag.
Yes. You'll find these handy decorations for Christmas packaging will add infinitely to the zesty spirit of Christmas giving. For you have one or more appropriate decorative Christmas stickers to put on gifts for everybody from baby to granddad. Nothing to buy, of course. Just drive in to any PDQ service station and ask for your free Christmas sticker. If you don't own a car, borrow one, but drive in soon and ask for your free set of Christmas stickers. Get yours before they're gone. Get them p q. Are you ready, mister Vanda? Then arm with the Abbott and Costello show.
Come on, Costello. I'm back. Take those bicycle clips off your trousers. Did you ride your bicycle to the studio again today? Yes. It's very dangerous. Oh, it ain't as dangerous as being a pedestrian. It's getting so bad that even us voice cops can't help old ladies across the street anymore. But we figured out of the system. What do you do? We round up all the old ladies among corners, then we sent for Tom Brennaman. I got sellers don't make fun of Tom Brennaman. He's got quite an influence on the lady. You're telling me? My aunt and me have gotten to so many of his broadcast, you won't let my uncle Mike come to the breakfast table unless he's wearing a woman's backpack. Mike still plays the he washed up with Mike Jones' band.
That's case number. Mike Jones had to get rid of him. Why? The test went to a test. He pulled his watch up and bought a fender. Alright? What is your uncle Mike doing now? Well, he drives in the Midget Auto Races. Is, Mike a fast driver? Abbott. I drove down the highway with him chunky. We were going so fast, the Burma gave signs were lathering up doctor Pepper. Sir, uncle Mike, your uncle Mike is wackier than you are. I can't understand how your aunt made married him. Happens to say they got married, uncle Mike was drugged. Your aunt may drugged him? Yeah. She drugged him all the way to the church and then drugged him right up to the altar. It was a beautiful wedding. They had a double ringed turmoil. A double ringed thermal? Yeah. My uncle Mike slipped the thing on her finger, and my aunt may slip once to his nose.
Right after the wedding, uncle Mike put his foot down. He said, Mae, the one that wears the pants in this family will handle the money. Well, how does it work out? You know, my aunt may look mighty nice and black
[00:05:20] Unknown:
out.
[00:05:23] Unknown:
Your uncle Mike and aunt may are quite a couple. Have they got any children, Lou? But sure. Last year, they had triplets. Triplets? Boys or girls. Well, one was a boy and one was a girl, but they never found out what the person was. When I was three days old, it blew away. How long have it? I'm going up to the hospital to visit my uncle Mike. Mike? Mike in is in the hospital? Mhmm. Why only last night I saw him zero with a blonde. So did my aunt May. I brother, did she hit him? I don't blame her. She hit him with provocation. Yes. She hit him with what was that? She hit him with provocation. She did not. She hit him with a chair. No. No.
I'm talking about provocation. Provocation made her hit him with a chair. Provocation may have made her hit him with a chair, but fighting a zero was her own idea. Why do they always fight? Why why can't they be like me and my wife? We deal with arguments coming along like globs in the yard and cool off. Yes. You haven't been in the house in twenty years. That's right. Now I found out how you get that 10. Never mind that. That's not true, Costello. My wife and I are very happy. Oz is a real
[00:06:32] Unknown:
match up bromance.
[00:06:34] Unknown:
Yes. You're a wrecking piece. Look like a toothbrush. Not I would say you're really cute, Mary. You. You don't even know what a husband is. A husband is what's left of a sweetheart after the nerve has been killed. I am. You know what? You know what's the matter with you? You're afraid to get married. I am not. Alright. What would you do if a beautiful blonde came along and proposed to you? I'd get a marriage license to marry you. Suppose a beautiful redhead came along and proposed to you? I'd get a marriage license to marry you. And if a beautiful brumette came along, I'd get a marriage license to marry you. Wait a minute. Where are you getting all those marriage licenses? The same place you're getting all the girls. Hi. Tell me you never tried to get married. I did too. I once spoke to the Lonely Hearts Club. I said I wanted to marry somebody with hair like mine, and I enclosed the lock of my hair and what happened. I got letters from two cocker spaniels.
Then please look. How is your romance coming with mister Miller? I think she wants to see me in a baby. What makes you sad? Every time I ask her to go out with me, she tells me
[00:07:45] Unknown:
to go jump in a lake. Hello, darling. Hello. It's
[00:07:49] Unknown:
Susan Miller.
[00:07:52] Unknown:
Go ahead. Stop, Dylan. Ask her for a date. Susan, you'll go up with me tonight. I'll make love you like Napoleon made love to Cleopatra.
[00:08:00] Unknown:
Cleopatra and Napoleon lived a thousand years apart. What's the difference as long as they love each other?
[00:08:07] Unknown:
After all, you're making a mistake mistake by not going out with me. Remember, sister, tell me. Oh, because, darling, I hadn't thought of that. Now you've got it, Susan. I ain't got an idea. How would you like a diamond ring, a diamond necklace, me, Cody? You got all those things for me? No. But I've got the idea. I tell her there's no way to talk to Susan. You're nothing but a fat,
[00:08:29] Unknown:
slippery, thought of little ignoramus. Poor little.
[00:08:34] Unknown:
I'm just as big an ignoramus as you are. The one that Susan will go out with you. You've never offered to do anything for her. Susan, let me take you home tonight. I'll help you solve all your problems. But I haven't got any problem. I haven't taken you home yet. Oh, goodbye. I don't blame Susan Miller for turning you down every night in the week. You're off with a different girl. You long have it? I only go out with six girls. Six girls. I take Sunday off. Monday, I go with Mabel. Tuesday, I go with Rose. Wednesday, I go with Amy. Thursday, I go with Ruth. Friday, I go with Betty. Saturday, I go with Clarence. And Sunday, I take off. Hello, mister Costello. There goes my Sunday off.
Costello, if you put your money in the bank, you wouldn't be able to rob a girl. Now I'm taking you to the bank right now, and you're going to open a savings account with that $10.
[00:09:34] Unknown:
Now let's go in.
[00:09:35] Unknown:
Just banking on it. Look at that sign. Asset, $4,000,000. Oh, how does that make that make them dishonest move? My mother put $7 in that bank yesterday. Why didn't they change that sign? That's evidence of a fine bank. That man coming this way, he's the president. That looking guy is the president, certainly. What happened to Truman? Then Republicans have probably got him standing in for any future. Oh, right, Castello. Here he is. Well, well, mister Abbott, hey. Who dragged this oversized piggy bank in here? Oh, pardon me. That's Costello. That Costello wants to put some money in the bank. Fine. Fine. Now where would you like to put it, Costello? Taking account, savings account for the bull? Can I have that last thing again? Bull. Bull. Surely, you know about our bull. Well, I don't fault very well, but if you wanna dance, let's get him.
Thank you, Melonette. Castello wants to open a savings account. Fine. In that case, we'll have to fill out a new deposited part. Here we are. Now first your name. Lou Costello.
[00:10:37] Unknown:
How do you spell Costello? I don't see I'll see what? See what? You just put down Joan. Alright.
[00:10:47] Unknown:
Now how do you spell Joan? Let Joan worry about that. My name is Costello. Now look look. We have to have your name. It's the rules of the same. Now in case something goes wrong, the money goes to your next of kin. Now tell me your name so I can tell your mother. My mother knows my name. Alright. How much money have you got to deposit? I got $10.01 dollar bill. Okay. Hand it over here and I'll count it. Let me see. 12345678.
[00:11:14] Unknown:
There's only $8 here. 8. Wait a minute. There must be someone to take your out now. +1, 23456. There's only 6.
[00:11:24] Unknown:
Hey. Hand it back to your rabbit. I'll turn it again.
[00:11:28] Unknown:
+1, 234.
[00:11:30] Unknown:
There's only $4 here. Wait a minute. Let me count it. It won't last. I'm not at risk. Look. I wanna deposit $10. Now I only got 4. That's alright. You can put up security for the other $6. Now about security, do you have a car or jewelry, or does anyone in your house have a fur coat? Only my air tail, but I don't think it's your sign. Well, in that case, I'll accept the $4. Congratulations. You are now one of our depositors. Now when you walk into the bank of cellos, you can put up a big front. How do I do that? In your case, walk in backwards.
[00:12:11] Unknown:
Mister Ronald, we're now on the road to success. Remember,
[00:12:14] Unknown:
to become rich, you must save your money. You've got to be thrifty. Thrifty. You've got to be economical. Economical? Artemonious. Artemonious? You don't know the meaning of failure. I don't know the meaning of parsimonious. Just give me my money, melon. But you came in here as one of our depositors, Cicello. If you take your money back, you will go out of here as one of our withdrawers. I'll go out like what? Withdrawers. Withdrawers. I hope so. I came in here when I'm It's okay. Gotcha. Don't withdraw your money. Remember, you're putting it in the bank so you won't spend it on girl. Girl, joker, tell her you squander your money on girl, do you? How long has this been going on? When did you start going with girl?
As soon as I found out that I wasn't one. Enough of this nonsense, Gastel. Your money's saved here, and Bank of Melon Head is going to handle your financial affairs. I certainly will handle your financial affairs. Costello, here's how I'll do it. First, I will calculate your fiscal remuneration. Next, I will deflate your budget by taking a terrific slice out of your monetary millennium. After that, I'll compound your debenture, flip your coupons, and then I will set your capitalized assets until your amortization covers your inflated fiduciary encumbrances.
You wouldn't dare. Well, Castello, now that you've got a bank account, why don't you ask the president of the network for a for a raise? I asked him for a raise our first week and he said, don't worry. We'll take care of you. Just play ballroom. I asked him again the second week. What did he say? Just play ball with it. Then I asked him again the third week. What did he say then? Just play ball with it. Well, are you gonna get the raise? No. But I'm getting to be a heck of a ball player. I well, if you do get the raise and save the money, you'll wind up with a bankroll. With the money they're paying me, I'll be looking if I went up with a pussyroll. But I made a smart investment of it. I just bought forty thousand nineteen forty six calendars for $3, like, you dummy. Nineteen forty six calendars are worthless.
$19.46 is gone. Yeah. But if it ever comes back, brother, will I be rich? I'm not sure why you figured with all the money you had in that bank. Well, no. I really got another hundred dollars, but don't worry. It's in the safest place in the world. Where is that? Susan Miller's stocking? That's a safe place? Sure. I can always keep my eye on it, but I can't get my hands on it. She keeps it right over her knee. It's a joint account. But But I'm gonna ask Susan to get it back to me. Why? You keep me wearing the new long shirts that don't draw no interest. I you keep your money in the bank. No Christmas shopping. You You understand? I get my coffee yesterday at it. When them stores crowded, you get pushed around. Switched around?
Wow. I bought a gift at the May company, and I had to get it wrapped at first. I got my change at Nancy's department store. I left right away a magazine, found out I had the wrong package, and the only place I could exchange it was East In Columbia for Broadway at night. I have been spending money on girls again. I told you have a day tonight with that, redhead from Glendale. I don't go there no more, Adam. Every time we park in my car, she tried to start to fly The car? Then I have taken out a new girl. She thinks I'm a great football player. Darcella, why do you always try to deceive the girl? You'll never get away with it. Bluffing people that you can play football. Why not? Stanford University has been doing it all season. But, sir, I'm gonna take you to a psychiatrist and see if we can cure you from continually pretending to be something you're not. My uncle Mike went to one of them guys. My uncle Mike, he used to think he was a saint for our dog. Is he cured? No. But he's much better. Now he thinks he's only a pink and eat. Alright.
Yeah. But you ain't taking me no to no psychiatrist.
[00:16:11] Unknown:
No. No. No. No. No. He won't hurt you. Are you afraid? No. Are you a coward? No. Are you a sissy?
[00:16:19] Unknown:
No. Now let's try it with my end. Oh, come on. We're going to visit that psychiatrist right now. Well, here's here's the, psychiatrist's office. Got that. Come on. Let's go in. David. Sit right down. Now look at Abbott. I'm getting out of here. Now look at that guy. He's got a big lump on his head. Oh, you've noticed a lump on my head. I got it last night playing piggyback with my three year old me. Playing piggyback with your three year old me? Yes. I fell off her back. Oh. That's nothing. I once had my nose broken in three places. Well, What did you do about it? I'm staying out of those three places.
Ocetto? Acella, you remind me of a patient of mine, a traffic cop, gives everybody tickets, gives tickets for no reason at all. Well, wouldn't he be considered crazy? Not in California, he wouldn't. And last night, he gave his wife a ticket at the dinner table just for parking the butter too near the kitchen. He was right. She was in a red zone. You know, some schooling yes, indeedy. Some schooling cops gave me a ticket this morning just because I stuck something in the back of another guy's car. What was it? The front of my car. We're getting no place to you could say that again. Yes. I'm I'm saying it. Can you cure Costello of going out with girls? I think so. I'll give him something that'll make him too tired to go out with girls.
[00:18:00] Unknown:
Here, walk over to this drugstore and get this prescription paid. Joe's Drug Store, Dayton, Ohio.
[00:18:08] Unknown:
Will, will the medicine make you too tired if I were to? Oh, the medicine's no good, but that walk ought to knock you out. But, Pastor, Costello's trouble is that he has these girls such a terrific line that they all fall for. Well, in that case, I'll have to close his mind. Now, Costello, lay down on that rubber life raft. I'm having my car three up on. That's right. Now tell me, just what do you say to these girls? Well, every Monday night, I call on seventy ten points. I go to her.
[00:18:43] Unknown:
Good evening, testy, my dear. Well, it's a Disney My Hero, five feet pop star. Now congratulate you on how not you're on interact with us looking your big old uniform. How could you lie like that? Just for your information, you haven't given me an introduction to that man.
[00:19:13] Unknown:
It. It sounds like she's been gargling with blood cleanser. Testing, my love, may I present fireman Abbott of the Hook and Ladder Division? And if he don't stop hooking ladders, I'm gonna fire him out of the division.
[00:19:31] Unknown:
Oh, sweetie. You're so beautiful and so beautiful.
[00:19:36] Unknown:
Oh, that's it. Get tall in the game. Just yesterday, I was sitting in the firehouse and an alarm came in from a movie theater. Yes. It was three minutes to six. I jumped in my car, blew across town 90 miles an hour to get to that movie theater. It's like you go so fast. I wanted to get there before the prices change.
[00:19:51] Unknown:
I see. I saw you must be a self salesman of Lazarus.
[00:19:54] Unknown:
Oh, I don't like to brag, but Saturday, I was sitting on top of the hook and ladder steering. The driver was pulling me along at 90 miles an hour. Suddenly, at Hollywood, it was finding me the right turn, and I made a left turn. What happened? It was the first time that pedestrians were knocked off all four corners at the same time. That's not glad I met you.
[00:20:27] Unknown:
Well,
[00:20:37] Unknown:
Well, that's what happened with Jesse Ginsberg. It's very interesting. And now she's Eric Costello. What are the girls that you've moved? Well, I very nice. I go to see Honeychild Lee. She's a lovely little girl. This is my honest child, you all.
[00:21:00] Unknown:
Well, phone my phone, phone, and jotting my jotting bread of it. Colonel Costello.
[00:21:09] Unknown:
Colonel Costello. This is terrible.
[00:21:12] Unknown:
Colonel, who are your common plan? Colonel, this
[00:21:16] Unknown:
is my Effie Boone companion. Major Abbott, as soon as you can pay the 5 more mint dunes, you all will be a full person.
[00:21:32] Unknown:
Oh, god. I'm your little old father, man. Oh,
[00:21:46] Unknown:
Oh, yes. Quite a scandal down in Birmingham. Somebody stole a bronze suit off a statue of Stonewall jacket. Left them standing there with a DVD. That's weird. It's such a straight to the south of Southern General standing there in a union suit. You see, professor? Hands out a different line. Girl. Very interesting. And now, turtle, dining, cocktail, what are the girls that you've been talking? Tell them about Cleo Smith. Well, Cleo thinks I'm a big used car dealer. Kurt the Jersey. Kurt the Jersey? Yeah. He's the guy that sells the cars to Madman Muntz.
[00:22:32] Unknown:
By the way, Cox, Kendall. I see you have a picture of Lassie on the back of your wallet. Don't tell me you've been going out with Lassie. That's the saddest case of all. She thinks I'm rinsed in skin.
[00:22:44] Unknown:
And now, Costello, in order to cure you, I must know everything. Are there any more girls you haven't told me about?
[00:22:50] Unknown:
No, sir. Are you sure? Professor, would I lie? Professor, can you do anything for yourself? I'll start the treatment tomorrow. Goodbye, and give your name to my secretary on the way up. That's that's secretary. My.
[00:23:07] Unknown:
Miss, I'm the new patient. And, Well, governor Fasillo, how have you been in Idaho?
[00:23:13] Unknown:
I've been mighty, mighty busy. Alright. Come on. Good. The boys will be back in just a few sec
