In this hilarious episode, we dive into the comedic chaos of Costello's attempts to win over Marilyn Maxwell's heart. From proposing over a plate of meatloaf to trying to impress her by becoming famous, Costello's antics are nothing short of entertaining. The episode is filled with witty exchanges and humorous misunderstandings, as Costello navigates the complexities of love and fame with his usual bumbling charm.
As the story unfolds, Costello embarks on a publicity stunt to fly around the world, hoping to capture Marilyn's attention. With Abbott by his side, the duo encounters a series of comedic mishaps, including a misguided flight that lands them in Glendale instead of a global adventure. This episode is a delightful mix of slapstick humor and clever wordplay, showcasing the timeless comedy of Abbott and Costello.
(01:28) Costello's Weight Woes and Romantic Misadventures
(07:47) Publicity Stunt Planning with Mr. Brown
(14:52) The Flight Around the World Adventure
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[00:01:28] Unknown:
Put away that bag of popcorn and stop eating. All you do is eat. You're getting better every minute. I am not getting fat. Everybody says I'm getting slim as an eel. You're getting slim as an eel? Sure. When people see me, they say, here comes Costello. What a slim eel. I have it. Besides, I don't wanna get fat. Getting fat is expensive. Oh, how can getting fat be expensive? Well, I got a fellowship tattooed on my chest. And every time I gain 10 pounds, I gotta put on another lifeboat. Oh, man. 10:00 says, just look at this. How'd you get that hey. How did you get that lump on your head and all those bruises on your face? Well, last night, I called on the little redhead that lives next door, and she told me to take her in her arms and forget everything. And did you? Yes. I forgot that the lights were on, the shades were up, and her father was in the next room.
Castella, you've gotta stop chasing after every girl you see. You wanna become a masher? I wouldn't mind being a masher if I could pick my own potatoes. I lied. Rock, what were you doing at the this little redhead's house? Oh. You told me you had a date with Marilyn Maxwell. Well, I did have it, but Marilyn busted it. She didn't wanna go out with me no more. She says we're intellectual options. You and Marilyn are intellectual opposites. Yep. She's intellectual, and I'm the opposite. I don't blame Marilyn. You've been taking up her time for a whole year, and you've never proposed to it. Well, I did propose to Marilyn Abbott, but her answer had a string to it. Her answer had a string to it? Yeah. She told me to go fly a kite. I, I mean, you don't know how to propose to girls. You've gotta make them think They are everything, and you're nothing. I tried that too, Adam. I said to her, Marilyn, I am nothing. I have nothing.
I can't give you nothing. What did she say? Nothing. I didn't I just write it out. Where where did you propose to her? Well, in our lunchroom, we were eating meatloaf. No wonder Marilyn keeps turning you down proposing to a girl or a plate of meatloaf. You should take her out in case of the stars. The skies are full of things we know nothing about. So as we float, I
[00:03:32] Unknown:
Oh,
[00:03:33] Unknown:
hello there, boys. Oh, yes. Marilyn Michaels.
[00:03:39] Unknown:
Hey.
[00:03:42] Unknown:
I'm Marilyn. Marilyn, my love, my love, Marilyn. Come put your arms around me. Like this, Louis? Yes. Now hold me tighter. Tighter. That's it. Just hold me.
[00:03:53] Unknown:
Okay. How long do you want me to hold you? For thirty days. Nobody cost me. I'm yours.
[00:04:01] Unknown:
Well, I got the next line. Excuse me. Well, Marilyn Marilyn, when I'm close to you like this, I can't seem to break away. Something keeps snapping me back. Is it long? No. You're standing on my daughter. Thanks for telling me. You seem to be in a good mood. Why don't you pop the question again? Okay. Pop the question again. Marilyn, you know how I feel about you. I don't know how to say this, but you think that two people could live on $75 a week? What are you talking about, Louis? I make that much myself. That's what I'm talking about.
Oh, no, Louis. The man I marry must be romantic. Well, ain't I romantic? Didn't I come to your house something like to bring you a big box of crackerjack? Yes.
[00:04:44] Unknown:
Then I then you held my hand, and I held your hand, and then you held my hand again. Is that any way to make law? No. But do you know a better way to make a box of crack attack last all night?
[00:04:56] Unknown:
No. Not so good you like to really make love. I'll give you a real burning kiss that will set you on fire. Alright, Louis. Give me a real burning kiss.
[00:05:07] Unknown:
There. How was that? You better throw another log on the fire.
[00:05:13] Unknown:
Oh, geez. You hear that,
[00:05:17] Unknown:
Oh, Marilyn is not the girl for you. She's a nice girl and all that, but she's snobby. Oh, yes. I mean, I I'm what'd you say? I said Marilyn's snobby. She is not snobbish. She's an American just like you and me. Don't call Marilyn snobbish because yeah. No. I I I I don't know you, dummy. I mean, she's snobby. She's a luke. Make up your mind, Abbot. Is she snobbish or a loup? Oh, about fifty fifty. I'd say she was half snobbish and half a loup. Well, a half a loup is better than nothing. Gosh. Tell it. You're talking about a loaf. I'm talking about a loup. Marilyn is a loup. She's well bred. How do you like that? Now Marilyn is a loaf of bread. She's got jelly donuts. Oh, Cratella. Will you listen to me? I'm trying to describe Marilyn's character.
Haven't you noticed how she goes about with Persica Cassidy? Good. When does she start going with Percy Cassidy? No. Percy Cassidy is still going steady with Cynthia Rosenblatt. No. No. You idiot. Persecacity is not a person. Persecacity means a distinction. Anyone can have perspicacity. You have perspicacity. Therefore, you have distinctness. I got what? You have distinctness. Distinctness. You don't smell so good you're now in the morning. Not that I said you have distinctness. You are distinguished or as they would call you in French, dis tingue.
Can I have that again? In French? Oh, France. Certainly. That French, you see the French changed the last two syllables. In English, it's in French, it's stinguish. Yeah. But they don't speak French in Paterson, and everybody there used to call me Stingray.
[00:06:48] Unknown:
Hey, Stingray.
[00:06:51] Unknown:
I'm not telling you're impossible. Pearl Maxwell is is smart to keep away from you. It proves she's astute. Yes. It it it it it it. Could I have the last one again? Astute. Astute. Ever. Astute. Oh, I'm gonna astute from you. I can't stoop anymore. Love, Costello, when you listen to me, when I say Maryland is a loop, I'm not talking about a a loaf. A loop is a mark of character like distinctness. And a person who, is distinct has perspicacity, and perspicacity makes one astute. Oh, when you say aloof, you're not talking about aloof. No. Aloof is a mark of character like distinctness, and a person who is distinct has perspicacity, and perspicacity makes one astute. Now you're in their kitchen. I may be in their kitchen, but that batter is knocking my brains out.
Hey, Abbot. I've been talking to Merlin and she turned me down again. Life means nothing without her. I don't care what happened to you. Put that gun down at my drawer. I don't care, but it's pointed at me. That's why I don't care.
[00:08:00] Unknown:
Alice, keep coming.
[00:08:01] Unknown:
Hello, boys. Get out. Wait a minute. Listen to me, you dummy. You can win Marilyn by impressing her. She's impressed with, by celebrities. So all you have to do is, become famous, get your name in the paper. I know what I'll do, Abbot. I'll start a fight with you. No. No. Fighting with me won't get your name in the paper. That's heroes. To get into the papers, you've gotta get would you listen to me? I'm listening now. I wanna get their face in the papers, but you've gotta get mixed up with somebody big. Okay. Then I'll fight Joe Louis. You're not afraid of Joe Louis? No. But I'm not afraid of Joe Louis. Well I'll go right up to him and I'll say, Joe Lewis, put up your toe. I ain't afraid of you. I'll knock your block off. That's what I'll say to Joe Lewis through that little slit in my armored car. I you talk sense, Costello.
Now look. If you wanna become famous and get your name in the papers, you'll have to hire a publicity man, a man who will think up ways of getting your face before the public. How can he do that? Well, he might get all the bakeries to stamp your picture on all their soda crackers. Oh, no. He won't. I ain't gonna have kids all over the country slapping peanut butter and jelly in my kitchen. Come on. Come on, Cattell. I'm taking you to the best publicity man in Hollywood. When he gets through publicizing you, Meryl Maxwell will come to you on bended knee. Oh, yes. Yes. She will. Yeah. Oh, boy. Leave me to him. Yeah. Well, no. No. No. No. Here's his office. Let's win.
[00:09:25] Unknown:
Well, gentlemen, I'm Brown, the publicity man. The second most famous mister Brown in the country. Number two Brownie, they call me. As the bandit said when he stuffed a paper towel in his victim's mouth, anything for a gag. Oh.
[00:09:42] Unknown:
Now what what can I do for you? You can take that gag you stuffed in the victim's mouth and drag it over to Tom Brennaman. If you're old enough to get an auction, this time, I must be writing for Fred Allen. Oh, quiet, Costello. Mister Brown, did you think of a stunt that would make Costello famous overnight? Oh, yes. I've got just a stunt for Costello. It's never been done before. I'll have him sit on a flagpole. Wait a minute. Lots of guys have sat on flagpoles. At half mast? Oh, no. You caught out of publicity, son? My knuckle, Mike, in Patterson played a game of poker with a TWA horse as well sitting on the wing of a plane going to Honolulu. Clipper? Yes. He beat around of a few bucks.
[00:10:22] Unknown:
Mister Brown Don't you have some sensational stunt that Costello could do? Oh, yes. Indeed. As the doctor said when he slapped the newborn baby, this will open your eyes. Costello, I'm gonna have you jump off the Golden Gate Bridge. Oh, what a stud. I can see you now. You're standing on the rail of the bridge. That ain't me. Now you're all poised to make your leap. That ain't me. I've promised cameras to watch you, and suddenly there's a loud scream and a man's face. That's me. Have a check me out ahead. Alright. Tell her, calm yourself. Mister Brown will think of something. Yeah. I understand. I'm just going around the world. Why? Oh, and listen. As the mailman said to the lady with a measles sign on her house, you've got something there. As you boys know, Milton Reynolds holds the record for flying around the world in airplanes. Now, Costello, you're going to break that record. Tell me, have you had any experience in the air? Oh, sure. During the war, I was an ace. I destroyed 19 planes. Stella, you destroyed 19 planes. I could never get those darn things off the ground.
[00:11:22] Unknown:
Well, Costello, if you will pilot a jet plane around the world in record time, you will be the most famous man in the history of aviation. Think of it, Costello. You'll be a hero. Marilyn Maxwell will throw herself at your feet. She'll adore you. Abbott, I'll pilot that plane around the world on one condition. I'll have to have two saxophones, a banjo, three tumbbones, have piccolo in the cockpit with me. What's wrong? I fly by instruments.
[00:11:45] Unknown:
Well, Roccelo, get yourself a sponsor with plenty of money to pay for the plane and finance the trip, and I'll see you at the airport tomorrow.
[00:11:52] Unknown:
Okay, mister Brown. Goodbye. Where are we going, Abbot? Well, we're going to see missus Wetwash and get her to sponsor your trip around the world. She's the only one we know is, loaded with money. He's got plenty of the long green. He's got a few of the long red ones too. Alright. Never mind that. Knock on the door and see if she's home.
[00:12:12] Unknown:
Oh, well, hello there, mister Abbott. My, I wonder why the butcher left that hub of lard on my front porch. Oh, pardon me. It's Cartillo.
[00:12:23] Unknown:
Missus Whitwas, I wish you hadn't said that. I was just telling Abbot what beautiful hair you've got. Oh, thank you. And did you notice the little white ribbon in my hair? Oh, is that a ribbon? I thought it was a price tag.
[00:12:35] Unknown:
That was very funny, Costello. Why don't you go over to the ostrich farm and show the big bird what a real egg looks like?
[00:12:46] Unknown:
I'd love to see you laugh, missus Wedwas. Your teeth sparkle so. Oh, they should. I see my dentist twice a year. Yes. One for each tooth. Put that out, Costello. Missus Wedwas, Costello is going to play around the world as a publicity stunt, and we'd like to have you finance the trip. You know, be Costello's sponsor. What's the matter? Did the camel people finally get wise to him? Please, missus Wetwise. I gotta make that trip. I gotta become famous. If you put up the money, I'll give you my personal note. Oh, very well. I'll loan you the money, but I'll bet you don't pay me back until I'm 60. Abbas, you must have money back in three days. Alright. Quiet, Costello. Missus Witwaters, take out the note. Costello will sign. Oh, very well.
[00:13:29] Unknown:
I promise to pay missus Winifred Witwash ten thousand dollars. There you are, Costello. Just sign your John Hancock on this line. My what? Your John Hancock.
[00:13:41] Unknown:
I'm John Hancock? This is Whitworth. Don't you know me? I'm Luca Stello. Why no you're Luca Stello. All I want you to do is sign that note. Okay. I'll sign it for a minute. I thought you didn't recognize him. Oh, quit, darling. Sign your John Hancock on that note. Abbott, call for the plea. What for? This woman is deliberately and with molasses out for thought attempting to impregnate me into computing a felony. How can you say that? How can you say that? It's easy when you don't know what you're talking about.
[00:14:12] Unknown:
Oh, it's not today.
[00:14:14] Unknown:
Costello. When I say you're John Hancock, I don't mean you're John Hancock. I mean, when you sign Lou Costello, that is your John Hancock even though you're Lou Costello. Oh, you mean when you say you're John Hancock? You don't mean you're John Hancock. You mean when I sign Lou Costello, that's my John hunk John Hancock.
[00:14:34] Unknown:
Even though why don't they make a bigger prince?
[00:14:41] Unknown:
Oh, no.
[00:14:43] Unknown:
No. You're cooking with gas. Well, I may be cooking with gas, but somebody keeps blowing out my pilot lights. Hey, Costello. Costello. I've been looking all over the airport for you. I hope you picked a good fast plane for our trip around the world. Yeah. But I got a real fast plane. Last night, I tested it out, and it went 200 miles an hour. 200 miles an hour. That's not fast. I know. But today, they're gonna put in the motor. I I hey. Wait. I don't know why I'm going on this trip with you. You know absolutely nothing about airplanes. I do too. I worked in a airplane factory during the war. I used to put girdles on p forties and make them into p 30. No. When did you put girdles on airplanes? Doing the Battle of the Bulge. Yeah. I mean, this is a very important flight. You know? We've gotta beat Reynolds record. Get your name and all the papers that make you a hero in Marilyn Maxwell's eyes. We're taking off in a few minutes. Have you checked all the equipment? Yes. It's all in the plane. I got the altimeter, the velocimeter, pressure meter, and a pair of pink tights. What are the pink tights for? I wanna look nice when I'm coming down the runway. Hiya.
Hiya, fellas. Hiya, Skinny. Hiya, Skinny. Skinny, we're about to take off on a trip around the world. Costello is going to try and set a new racket. Well, that's good. I'm just about to take off myself on a solo flight. If you're going up in a plane, what are you doing with that big can of maple syrup? Oh, I always take that along in case I have to make a pancake land. I love that, though. Hey, Evan. Did you hear that? He takes Sheriff along for a pancake landing. Wasn't that a waffle joke? No. I we've gotta get him some batter jokes. Alright. I'll get it. Hey. Here comes one of those women reporters. She probably wants an interview. Well, if it isn't mister Aubet and mister Costello,
[00:16:28] Unknown:
you fought little morn. You.
[00:16:31] Unknown:
Well, miss, I suppose you're here to interview Costello. Yes.
[00:16:35] Unknown:
I write all the auction articles for Collier's Magazine. Collier's Magazine?
[00:16:42] Unknown:
Oh, rabbit. You know what Collier's Magazine is? That's a publicution like loop poop poop in
[00:16:50] Unknown:
Reuters doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo do No.
[00:17:03] Unknown:
I'd rather be booping alone in a grosjean
[00:17:07] Unknown:
boost to cocoon do. Well, bon voyage, I must be dodging all.
[00:17:32] Unknown:
What a publicity stunt this is going to be. I telegraphed to the mayor of New York, and the people are getting ready for you to fly over the city. What are they doing? Taking down the Empire State Building.
[00:17:42] Unknown:
Wait a minute, Costello. Why have you got your goggles around your neck? Doctor Zoras have it. He told me to goggle my throat. Hold on. I'm trying, Costello. Look. They're waving the starting flag. Come on. Let's get into the plane.
[00:17:54] Unknown:
Control tower to the Lou Costello jet plane. Runway 4 is clear for your takeoff. Costello, flip that switch and answer the control tower. Okay.
[00:18:04] Unknown:
Costello to control tower. We're ready for the takeoff.
[00:18:07] Unknown:
Roger.
[00:18:08] Unknown:
Lewis. Alright. Come on, Costello. Castello, we're not moving. There's something wrong. I'll check it, Abbot. I found a trouble. What's holding us back? Is it the motors? Nope. There's a piece of chewing gum stuck under the left wheel. Estella, boy, we're driving fast. This plane can really travel.
[00:18:33] Unknown:
Control tower to jet plane. What is your altitude?
[00:18:37] Unknown:
50,000 feet.
[00:18:39] Unknown:
Roger.
[00:18:40] Unknown:
Louis.
[00:18:42] Unknown:
I am. It's getting kinda chilly in here. Would you take the wheel a minute? I'll be right back. Where are you going? I'm gonna climb out there on that wing and turn off one of those big fans. Fans. Get back here, you idiot. That's the propellers.
[00:18:52] Unknown:
Control tower to jet plane. State your position.
[00:18:56] Unknown:
I'm the comedian on a camel show. No. No. No. Not yet, dummy. He wants to know the position of the plane. Check your compass. Oh, I get it. Jet plane to Control Tower. We're flying Dewey's Dewey's? Roger.
[00:19:09] Unknown:
Lewis.
[00:19:13] Unknown:
Lewis? What's that guy think I am, a jerk? Roger.
[00:19:17] Unknown:
Lewis?
[00:19:20] Unknown:
I'm glad I straightened that out. Cassell, are you sure you laid it the course route right? Better check your charts and see where we are. Okay, Abbott. This looks strange. Hey, Abbott. But you lent me a couple of bucks before. According to my figures, we're right in front of the $2 window at the Hollywood Park. Oh, you're nuts, Cassell. That's impossible.
[00:19:35] Unknown:
At the bar turn, it's Bonnie be in front. That'll be for a second. I'm a
[00:19:40] Unknown:
fucking mess on the inside. Hey. Turn off the radio, you idiot. Now keep the plane on the course. Keep the throttles open. I'm going to take a nap. Don't call me unless you need
[00:19:56] Unknown:
me. I have it. I have it. I have it. Wake up. We're running out of gas.
[00:20:00] Unknown:
Alright, Cassella. I'll take the controls, and we'll make a landing. Alright, Gisela. Jump out, and let's see where we are. Hey, Abba. Just as I thought, we're lost. We're lost in a strange land. My. This is a peculiar looking place. Look. There's something moving over there. It's a native. Question. And see if you can find out what country this is. Okay. Hey, you. Me Costello. Me fly great airplane around the world. Me lost. Could you tell me what strange land me in? You're in Glendale, you jerk.
[00:20:35] Unknown:
Well, we have it. We made it. We're back. We're in Glendale. Yeah. Hey. Look. Here comes mister Brown, our publicity man. Well, Costello, I wanna congratulate you on your magnificent achievement. You have made a great contribution to science. You mean I've flown around the world in the shortest time? No. But you went from Los Angeles to Glendale in the longest time. Think of it. Sixty seven hours to go three and a half miles.
[00:20:58] Unknown:
Did you hear that epic? It only took us a half hour longer than the Glendale bus. Oh, get him.
[00:21:11] Unknown:
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[00:01:28] Unknown:
Put away that bag of popcorn and stop eating. All you do is eat. You're getting better every minute. I am not getting fat. Everybody says I'm getting slim as an eel. You're getting slim as an eel? Sure. When people see me, they say, here comes Costello. What a slim eel. I have it. Besides, I don't wanna get fat. Getting fat is expensive. Oh, how can getting fat be expensive? Well, I got a fellowship tattooed on my chest. And every time I gain 10 pounds, I gotta put on another lifeboat. Oh, man. 10:00 says, just look at this. How'd you get that hey. How did you get that lump on your head and all those bruises on your face? Well, last night, I called on the little redhead that lives next door, and she told me to take her in her arms and forget everything. And did you? Yes. I forgot that the lights were on, the shades were up, and her father was in the next room.
Castella, you've gotta stop chasing after every girl you see. You wanna become a masher? I wouldn't mind being a masher if I could pick my own potatoes. I lied. Rock, what were you doing at the this little redhead's house? Oh. You told me you had a date with Marilyn Maxwell. Well, I did have it, but Marilyn busted it. She didn't wanna go out with me no more. She says we're intellectual options. You and Marilyn are intellectual opposites. Yep. She's intellectual, and I'm the opposite. I don't blame Marilyn. You've been taking up her time for a whole year, and you've never proposed to it. Well, I did propose to Marilyn Abbott, but her answer had a string to it. Her answer had a string to it? Yeah. She told me to go fly a kite. I, I mean, you don't know how to propose to girls. You've gotta make them think They are everything, and you're nothing. I tried that too, Adam. I said to her, Marilyn, I am nothing. I have nothing.
I can't give you nothing. What did she say? Nothing. I didn't I just write it out. Where where did you propose to her? Well, in our lunchroom, we were eating meatloaf. No wonder Marilyn keeps turning you down proposing to a girl or a plate of meatloaf. You should take her out in case of the stars. The skies are full of things we know nothing about. So as we float, I
[00:03:32] Unknown:
Oh,
[00:03:33] Unknown:
hello there, boys. Oh, yes. Marilyn Michaels.
[00:03:39] Unknown:
Hey.
[00:03:42] Unknown:
I'm Marilyn. Marilyn, my love, my love, Marilyn. Come put your arms around me. Like this, Louis? Yes. Now hold me tighter. Tighter. That's it. Just hold me.
[00:03:53] Unknown:
Okay. How long do you want me to hold you? For thirty days. Nobody cost me. I'm yours.
[00:04:01] Unknown:
Well, I got the next line. Excuse me. Well, Marilyn Marilyn, when I'm close to you like this, I can't seem to break away. Something keeps snapping me back. Is it long? No. You're standing on my daughter. Thanks for telling me. You seem to be in a good mood. Why don't you pop the question again? Okay. Pop the question again. Marilyn, you know how I feel about you. I don't know how to say this, but you think that two people could live on $75 a week? What are you talking about, Louis? I make that much myself. That's what I'm talking about.
Oh, no, Louis. The man I marry must be romantic. Well, ain't I romantic? Didn't I come to your house something like to bring you a big box of crackerjack? Yes.
[00:04:44] Unknown:
Then I then you held my hand, and I held your hand, and then you held my hand again. Is that any way to make law? No. But do you know a better way to make a box of crack attack last all night?
[00:04:56] Unknown:
No. Not so good you like to really make love. I'll give you a real burning kiss that will set you on fire. Alright, Louis. Give me a real burning kiss.
[00:05:07] Unknown:
There. How was that? You better throw another log on the fire.
[00:05:13] Unknown:
Oh, geez. You hear that,
[00:05:17] Unknown:
Oh, Marilyn is not the girl for you. She's a nice girl and all that, but she's snobby. Oh, yes. I mean, I I'm what'd you say? I said Marilyn's snobby. She is not snobbish. She's an American just like you and me. Don't call Marilyn snobbish because yeah. No. I I I I don't know you, dummy. I mean, she's snobby. She's a luke. Make up your mind, Abbot. Is she snobbish or a loup? Oh, about fifty fifty. I'd say she was half snobbish and half a loup. Well, a half a loup is better than nothing. Gosh. Tell it. You're talking about a loaf. I'm talking about a loup. Marilyn is a loup. She's well bred. How do you like that? Now Marilyn is a loaf of bread. She's got jelly donuts. Oh, Cratella. Will you listen to me? I'm trying to describe Marilyn's character.
Haven't you noticed how she goes about with Persica Cassidy? Good. When does she start going with Percy Cassidy? No. Percy Cassidy is still going steady with Cynthia Rosenblatt. No. No. You idiot. Persecacity is not a person. Persecacity means a distinction. Anyone can have perspicacity. You have perspicacity. Therefore, you have distinctness. I got what? You have distinctness. Distinctness. You don't smell so good you're now in the morning. Not that I said you have distinctness. You are distinguished or as they would call you in French, dis tingue.
Can I have that again? In French? Oh, France. Certainly. That French, you see the French changed the last two syllables. In English, it's in French, it's stinguish. Yeah. But they don't speak French in Paterson, and everybody there used to call me Stingray.
[00:06:48] Unknown:
Hey, Stingray.
[00:06:51] Unknown:
I'm not telling you're impossible. Pearl Maxwell is is smart to keep away from you. It proves she's astute. Yes. It it it it it it. Could I have the last one again? Astute. Astute. Ever. Astute. Oh, I'm gonna astute from you. I can't stoop anymore. Love, Costello, when you listen to me, when I say Maryland is a loop, I'm not talking about a a loaf. A loop is a mark of character like distinctness. And a person who, is distinct has perspicacity, and perspicacity makes one astute. Oh, when you say aloof, you're not talking about aloof. No. Aloof is a mark of character like distinctness, and a person who is distinct has perspicacity, and perspicacity makes one astute. Now you're in their kitchen. I may be in their kitchen, but that batter is knocking my brains out.
Hey, Abbot. I've been talking to Merlin and she turned me down again. Life means nothing without her. I don't care what happened to you. Put that gun down at my drawer. I don't care, but it's pointed at me. That's why I don't care.
[00:08:00] Unknown:
Alice, keep coming.
[00:08:01] Unknown:
Hello, boys. Get out. Wait a minute. Listen to me, you dummy. You can win Marilyn by impressing her. She's impressed with, by celebrities. So all you have to do is, become famous, get your name in the paper. I know what I'll do, Abbot. I'll start a fight with you. No. No. Fighting with me won't get your name in the paper. That's heroes. To get into the papers, you've gotta get would you listen to me? I'm listening now. I wanna get their face in the papers, but you've gotta get mixed up with somebody big. Okay. Then I'll fight Joe Louis. You're not afraid of Joe Louis? No. But I'm not afraid of Joe Louis. Well I'll go right up to him and I'll say, Joe Lewis, put up your toe. I ain't afraid of you. I'll knock your block off. That's what I'll say to Joe Lewis through that little slit in my armored car. I you talk sense, Costello.
Now look. If you wanna become famous and get your name in the papers, you'll have to hire a publicity man, a man who will think up ways of getting your face before the public. How can he do that? Well, he might get all the bakeries to stamp your picture on all their soda crackers. Oh, no. He won't. I ain't gonna have kids all over the country slapping peanut butter and jelly in my kitchen. Come on. Come on, Cattell. I'm taking you to the best publicity man in Hollywood. When he gets through publicizing you, Meryl Maxwell will come to you on bended knee. Oh, yes. Yes. She will. Yeah. Oh, boy. Leave me to him. Yeah. Well, no. No. No. No. Here's his office. Let's win.
[00:09:25] Unknown:
Well, gentlemen, I'm Brown, the publicity man. The second most famous mister Brown in the country. Number two Brownie, they call me. As the bandit said when he stuffed a paper towel in his victim's mouth, anything for a gag. Oh.
[00:09:42] Unknown:
Now what what can I do for you? You can take that gag you stuffed in the victim's mouth and drag it over to Tom Brennaman. If you're old enough to get an auction, this time, I must be writing for Fred Allen. Oh, quiet, Costello. Mister Brown, did you think of a stunt that would make Costello famous overnight? Oh, yes. I've got just a stunt for Costello. It's never been done before. I'll have him sit on a flagpole. Wait a minute. Lots of guys have sat on flagpoles. At half mast? Oh, no. You caught out of publicity, son? My knuckle, Mike, in Patterson played a game of poker with a TWA horse as well sitting on the wing of a plane going to Honolulu. Clipper? Yes. He beat around of a few bucks.
[00:10:22] Unknown:
Mister Brown Don't you have some sensational stunt that Costello could do? Oh, yes. Indeed. As the doctor said when he slapped the newborn baby, this will open your eyes. Costello, I'm gonna have you jump off the Golden Gate Bridge. Oh, what a stud. I can see you now. You're standing on the rail of the bridge. That ain't me. Now you're all poised to make your leap. That ain't me. I've promised cameras to watch you, and suddenly there's a loud scream and a man's face. That's me. Have a check me out ahead. Alright. Tell her, calm yourself. Mister Brown will think of something. Yeah. I understand. I'm just going around the world. Why? Oh, and listen. As the mailman said to the lady with a measles sign on her house, you've got something there. As you boys know, Milton Reynolds holds the record for flying around the world in airplanes. Now, Costello, you're going to break that record. Tell me, have you had any experience in the air? Oh, sure. During the war, I was an ace. I destroyed 19 planes. Stella, you destroyed 19 planes. I could never get those darn things off the ground.
[00:11:22] Unknown:
Well, Costello, if you will pilot a jet plane around the world in record time, you will be the most famous man in the history of aviation. Think of it, Costello. You'll be a hero. Marilyn Maxwell will throw herself at your feet. She'll adore you. Abbott, I'll pilot that plane around the world on one condition. I'll have to have two saxophones, a banjo, three tumbbones, have piccolo in the cockpit with me. What's wrong? I fly by instruments.
[00:11:45] Unknown:
Well, Roccelo, get yourself a sponsor with plenty of money to pay for the plane and finance the trip, and I'll see you at the airport tomorrow.
[00:11:52] Unknown:
Okay, mister Brown. Goodbye. Where are we going, Abbot? Well, we're going to see missus Wetwash and get her to sponsor your trip around the world. She's the only one we know is, loaded with money. He's got plenty of the long green. He's got a few of the long red ones too. Alright. Never mind that. Knock on the door and see if she's home.
[00:12:12] Unknown:
Oh, well, hello there, mister Abbott. My, I wonder why the butcher left that hub of lard on my front porch. Oh, pardon me. It's Cartillo.
[00:12:23] Unknown:
Missus Whitwas, I wish you hadn't said that. I was just telling Abbot what beautiful hair you've got. Oh, thank you. And did you notice the little white ribbon in my hair? Oh, is that a ribbon? I thought it was a price tag.
[00:12:35] Unknown:
That was very funny, Costello. Why don't you go over to the ostrich farm and show the big bird what a real egg looks like?
[00:12:46] Unknown:
I'd love to see you laugh, missus Wedwas. Your teeth sparkle so. Oh, they should. I see my dentist twice a year. Yes. One for each tooth. Put that out, Costello. Missus Wedwas, Costello is going to play around the world as a publicity stunt, and we'd like to have you finance the trip. You know, be Costello's sponsor. What's the matter? Did the camel people finally get wise to him? Please, missus Wetwise. I gotta make that trip. I gotta become famous. If you put up the money, I'll give you my personal note. Oh, very well. I'll loan you the money, but I'll bet you don't pay me back until I'm 60. Abbas, you must have money back in three days. Alright. Quiet, Costello. Missus Witwaters, take out the note. Costello will sign. Oh, very well.
[00:13:29] Unknown:
I promise to pay missus Winifred Witwash ten thousand dollars. There you are, Costello. Just sign your John Hancock on this line. My what? Your John Hancock.
[00:13:41] Unknown:
I'm John Hancock? This is Whitworth. Don't you know me? I'm Luca Stello. Why no you're Luca Stello. All I want you to do is sign that note. Okay. I'll sign it for a minute. I thought you didn't recognize him. Oh, quit, darling. Sign your John Hancock on that note. Abbott, call for the plea. What for? This woman is deliberately and with molasses out for thought attempting to impregnate me into computing a felony. How can you say that? How can you say that? It's easy when you don't know what you're talking about.
[00:14:12] Unknown:
Oh, it's not today.
[00:14:14] Unknown:
Costello. When I say you're John Hancock, I don't mean you're John Hancock. I mean, when you sign Lou Costello, that is your John Hancock even though you're Lou Costello. Oh, you mean when you say you're John Hancock? You don't mean you're John Hancock. You mean when I sign Lou Costello, that's my John hunk John Hancock.
[00:14:34] Unknown:
Even though why don't they make a bigger prince?
[00:14:41] Unknown:
Oh, no.
[00:14:43] Unknown:
No. You're cooking with gas. Well, I may be cooking with gas, but somebody keeps blowing out my pilot lights. Hey, Costello. Costello. I've been looking all over the airport for you. I hope you picked a good fast plane for our trip around the world. Yeah. But I got a real fast plane. Last night, I tested it out, and it went 200 miles an hour. 200 miles an hour. That's not fast. I know. But today, they're gonna put in the motor. I I hey. Wait. I don't know why I'm going on this trip with you. You know absolutely nothing about airplanes. I do too. I worked in a airplane factory during the war. I used to put girdles on p forties and make them into p 30. No. When did you put girdles on airplanes? Doing the Battle of the Bulge. Yeah. I mean, this is a very important flight. You know? We've gotta beat Reynolds record. Get your name and all the papers that make you a hero in Marilyn Maxwell's eyes. We're taking off in a few minutes. Have you checked all the equipment? Yes. It's all in the plane. I got the altimeter, the velocimeter, pressure meter, and a pair of pink tights. What are the pink tights for? I wanna look nice when I'm coming down the runway. Hiya.
Hiya, fellas. Hiya, Skinny. Hiya, Skinny. Skinny, we're about to take off on a trip around the world. Costello is going to try and set a new racket. Well, that's good. I'm just about to take off myself on a solo flight. If you're going up in a plane, what are you doing with that big can of maple syrup? Oh, I always take that along in case I have to make a pancake land. I love that, though. Hey, Evan. Did you hear that? He takes Sheriff along for a pancake landing. Wasn't that a waffle joke? No. I we've gotta get him some batter jokes. Alright. I'll get it. Hey. Here comes one of those women reporters. She probably wants an interview. Well, if it isn't mister Aubet and mister Costello,
[00:16:28] Unknown:
you fought little morn. You.
[00:16:31] Unknown:
Well, miss, I suppose you're here to interview Costello. Yes.
[00:16:35] Unknown:
I write all the auction articles for Collier's Magazine. Collier's Magazine?
[00:16:42] Unknown:
Oh, rabbit. You know what Collier's Magazine is? That's a publicution like loop poop poop in
[00:16:50] Unknown:
Reuters doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo do No.
[00:17:03] Unknown:
I'd rather be booping alone in a grosjean
[00:17:07] Unknown:
boost to cocoon do. Well, bon voyage, I must be dodging all.
[00:17:32] Unknown:
What a publicity stunt this is going to be. I telegraphed to the mayor of New York, and the people are getting ready for you to fly over the city. What are they doing? Taking down the Empire State Building.
[00:17:42] Unknown:
Wait a minute, Costello. Why have you got your goggles around your neck? Doctor Zoras have it. He told me to goggle my throat. Hold on. I'm trying, Costello. Look. They're waving the starting flag. Come on. Let's get into the plane.
[00:17:54] Unknown:
Control tower to the Lou Costello jet plane. Runway 4 is clear for your takeoff. Costello, flip that switch and answer the control tower. Okay.
[00:18:04] Unknown:
Costello to control tower. We're ready for the takeoff.
[00:18:07] Unknown:
Roger.
[00:18:08] Unknown:
Lewis. Alright. Come on, Costello. Castello, we're not moving. There's something wrong. I'll check it, Abbot. I found a trouble. What's holding us back? Is it the motors? Nope. There's a piece of chewing gum stuck under the left wheel. Estella, boy, we're driving fast. This plane can really travel.
[00:18:33] Unknown:
Control tower to jet plane. What is your altitude?
[00:18:37] Unknown:
50,000 feet.
[00:18:39] Unknown:
Roger.
[00:18:40] Unknown:
Louis.
[00:18:42] Unknown:
I am. It's getting kinda chilly in here. Would you take the wheel a minute? I'll be right back. Where are you going? I'm gonna climb out there on that wing and turn off one of those big fans. Fans. Get back here, you idiot. That's the propellers.
[00:18:52] Unknown:
Control tower to jet plane. State your position.
[00:18:56] Unknown:
I'm the comedian on a camel show. No. No. No. Not yet, dummy. He wants to know the position of the plane. Check your compass. Oh, I get it. Jet plane to Control Tower. We're flying Dewey's Dewey's? Roger.
[00:19:09] Unknown:
Lewis.
[00:19:13] Unknown:
Lewis? What's that guy think I am, a jerk? Roger.
[00:19:17] Unknown:
Lewis?
[00:19:20] Unknown:
I'm glad I straightened that out. Cassell, are you sure you laid it the course route right? Better check your charts and see where we are. Okay, Abbott. This looks strange. Hey, Abbott. But you lent me a couple of bucks before. According to my figures, we're right in front of the $2 window at the Hollywood Park. Oh, you're nuts, Cassell. That's impossible.
[00:19:35] Unknown:
At the bar turn, it's Bonnie be in front. That'll be for a second. I'm a
[00:19:40] Unknown:
fucking mess on the inside. Hey. Turn off the radio, you idiot. Now keep the plane on the course. Keep the throttles open. I'm going to take a nap. Don't call me unless you need
[00:19:56] Unknown:
me. I have it. I have it. I have it. Wake up. We're running out of gas.
[00:20:00] Unknown:
Alright, Cassella. I'll take the controls, and we'll make a landing. Alright, Gisela. Jump out, and let's see where we are. Hey, Abba. Just as I thought, we're lost. We're lost in a strange land. My. This is a peculiar looking place. Look. There's something moving over there. It's a native. Question. And see if you can find out what country this is. Okay. Hey, you. Me Costello. Me fly great airplane around the world. Me lost. Could you tell me what strange land me in? You're in Glendale, you jerk.
[00:20:35] Unknown:
Well, we have it. We made it. We're back. We're in Glendale. Yeah. Hey. Look. Here comes mister Brown, our publicity man. Well, Costello, I wanna congratulate you on your magnificent achievement. You have made a great contribution to science. You mean I've flown around the world in the shortest time? No. But you went from Los Angeles to Glendale in the longest time. Think of it. Sixty seven hours to go three and a half miles.
[00:20:58] Unknown:
Did you hear that epic? It only took us a half hour longer than the Glendale bus. Oh, get him.
[00:21:11] Unknown:
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