In this lively episode, Ryan shares his passion for fun and introduces listeners to Chumba Casino, a platform offering a variety of social casino-style games that can be played for free anytime, anywhere. With new games released weekly and daily bonuses, Ryan encourages everyone to join in the fun and brighten their day with a little gaming excitement.
Meanwhile, a comedic skit unfolds with Costello attempting to join the Merchant Marines, leading to a series of humorous exchanges with Abbott. From wearing his uniform pants backward to misunderstanding nautical terms, Costello's antics provide plenty of laughs. The episode is filled with witty banter, misunderstandings, and slapstick humor as Costello navigates his way through a series of nautical mishaps, ultimately ending with a chaotic attempt to steer a ship.
(00:00) Introduction and Fun at Chumba Casino
(01:02) Costello's Naval Aspirations
(06:52) Learning About Boats and Shipyards
(09:47) Meeting Kitzel and the CBs
(14:12) Aboard the SS Sponge
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[00:00:00]
Unknown:
Hey, guys. It is Ryan. I'm not sure if you know this about me, but I'm a bit of a fun fanatic when I can. I like to work, but I like fun too. It's a thing. And now the truth is out there. I can tell you about my favorite place to have fun, Chamba Casino. They have hundreds of social casino casino style games to choose from with new games released each week. You can play for free anytime, anywhere, and each day brings a new chance to collect daily bonuses. So join me in the fun. Sign up now at Chumbacasino.com. Hello. It is Ryan, and we could all use an extra bright spot in our day, couldn't we? Just to make up for things like sitting in traffic, doing the dishes, counting your steps, you know, all the mundane stuff. That is why I'm such a big fan of Chumba Casino. Chumba Casino has all your favorite social casino style games that you can play for free anytime, anywhere with daily bonuses.
That should brighten your day low. Actually, a lot. So sign up now at Chumbacasino.com. That's Chumba Casino dot com.
[00:01:00] Unknown:
No purchase necessary. DTELLU. Avoid prohibited by law. See terms and conditions, 18 plus.
[00:01:02] Unknown:
Hey, Costello. Costello, come here. Where have you been? Hey. Wait a minute. And where did you get that suit? It looks like a naval officer's uniform. Oh, a naval officer's uniform. Uh-huh. I should hope to tell you, Abbot. I'm gonna join the Merchant Marine. How How do you like to finish the uniform? Get all that gold bread on my cap, the gold bread on my sleeve. Wait a minute, Costello. That's a nice uniform, alright, but you've got the pants on backwards. I know. I wanna be a real admiral. I know. I know. I'm kidding. Look. You can't get into the merchant marine. You couldn't pass the physical examination. Who couldn't have it? I walked in the recruiting office this afternoon. Everybody stood up, and and the captain pointed at me, and he said, boys, there's a whale of a man. The captain said you were a whale of a man. Well, he didn't use them same words. What did he say? He He said, boys, get a load of that big hunk of blubber.
You know, I can hardly wait till I get on my ship, Abbott. Tailing sailing over the bounding New Jersey. Now wait a minute. Wait. Wait a minute. That's over the bounding Maine. I come from Patterson, New Jersey. Why should I give a plug to Maine? No. I love plug. Oh, there you are. That shows you you know nothing about the sea. You're not a nautical man. I'm not what? I said you're the you're the least bit nautical. Oh, I have my moment. Oh, no. You do have it. No. I do. No. No. After all, a fella can't be nicicle all the time. There's no sensical in being nicicle when you meet a little cuticle who wants to be nautical.
Oh, what are you talking about? What am I talking about? Yes. Well, last night ago, I met a cuticle riding a bicycle. I bought her a popsicle, and just as she was gonna give me a Kitsicle, a Copsicle on a motorcycle blew his whistle and gave me a Slapsicle and a Pussicle and sent me Homesicle. That's enough of that silly talk. What do you mean by coming in here talking about being a sailor? You don't know anything about the sea. Hold on. My whole family were sailors, Abbot. Even my uncle Arty Stubbers was a sailor. What was his capacity? Five quarts. No. No. No. No. No. No. What did he do as a sailor? He was on a tanker. Where is he now? On a fender? Well, now will you be serious, please? Now, take me. What's you? No. Shut up. I love the sea. The sea is in my blood. Sailboats, steamboats, rowboats, they're all in my blood. No wonder your skin is so lumpy. Oh, you can joke all you want, but I love the sea. Do you realize that I lived on saltwater for twenty years? How can you drink that stuff? Oh, never mind that. The ocean is wonderful. Did you ever see the flying fishes fly?
All the leaping tuners leap? Nope. But I saw the dolphins' dawg and heard the porpoise's port. Look, Costello. I'm going to see how much you know about boats. Now have you have you ever been down to the docks? Yeah. I was at the docks this morning. Did you see any vessels? Yep. The nurse carried one in. I no. Hold on. I'm not talking I'm not talking about that kind of a dock. I'm talking about a walk. A what? A walk. Walk. Walk. Oh, that's cute, Abbot. Now give me your paw. The walk is where the boats embark. The what? Embark. Embark. What are you doing? I didn't know you wanna play doggy. Oh, Crustello, please. I don't think you know anything about boats. You know anything about sloops? Oh, I'm crazy about sloops. There's nothing like a hot bowl of sloop with plenty of crackers.
You dummy. You wouldn't know the difference between a I'm trying to talk like Charlie Chan. Listen to me, please. I'm just I'm just after telling you. You wouldn't know the difference between a sloop and a gunboat. That's what my mother made for lunch. She made what? Chicken gunboat sloop? You please talk, Seds. Look. How about this boat you're going out on? How fast is it? How fast is it? Yeah. It goes 40 miles an hour. Oh, no. No. No. No. No. You don't mean miles. You mean your boat goes nuts. My boat goes nuts. Certainly. Every boat goes nuts. What drives them nuts? The engines.
The engines engines drive the boats nuts? That's right. We gotta get word through to Gene Autry. He'll fix those engines. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No if you ask a sailor how fast the boat is going, he won't say miles to you. He'll say nuts to you. And I'll say nuts right back to him. No. You don't. No. No. No. You're a fine sailor. Great guy to have on a boat in case of an emergency. Look. What would you do if you were on a boat and it started leaking in the middle of the night? I put a pan under it and go back to bed. No. No.
[00:05:40] Unknown:
No. No. Well, ain't that right? No. Certainly not.
[00:05:43] Unknown:
Suppose there was a big hole in the side of the boat and the water was rushing in. What would you do? I'd pour a hole on the other side and let the water out. Well, you see, there you go again. Why, you don't even know what part of the boat from you don't want one part from the other. Oh, yes. I do. No. You don't. Yes. I do. Well, let me let me hear. Let's see. Alright. Go ahead. What's the the buffalo boat. Okay. The bow the bow is the front of the boat. That's right. The stern is the back of the boat, and the starboard is on the right side. Yeah. Where's the port? In the bottom of the icebox. I told you. Look. Look. Look. Suppose suppose you were out in a boat and a strong east wind came up, what would you do? I'd throw out an anchor. That's right. Probably not. But suppose a terrific west wind came up.
I'd throw out an anchor. But suppose a north wind came up. Then I'd throw out an anchor. Hey. Wait a minute. Where are you getting all those anchors? Same place you're getting all that wind. Costello, you are without a doubt the most imbecilic moron I have ever met in my life. Thank you, Abbot. That's right. And I wish you'd tell that to my uncle, Arnie Stevens. Why? He thinks I'm a jerk. Hey, Adam. What? What's the idea of dragging me down here to the shipyard? Well, Costello, if you're going into the Merchant Marines, you've got to learn something about boats. Now see right over there, tied up to that pier, you see two schooners and a skip. Oh, this must be be the place where my uncle Arnie Stebbins was last night. What do you mean? He had two schooners, and he'd come home skip. No. Will you cut that out, please? Have it. Have it. What? Floor floor. What? What's that funny looking boat over there with only top on it? Oh, that's one they're just building. That's a hull of a ship. You're telling me. But what kind of a boat is it?
[00:07:21] Unknown:
Hey there, fat boy. Step aside. We're about to christen a ship.
[00:07:25] Unknown:
Alright, lady. Break that bottle of champagne over this turn.
[00:07:29] Unknown:
No. Poop poop. Lady, what's the idea? You said, get the phone on me. Oh, I'm so sorry. In all this fog, I couldn't tell one tub from another.
[00:07:41] Unknown:
Let me at the table. Get away from there, Costello. It's not her fault. She mistook you for a shift. I I hope I didn't hurt you. Oh, no. You didn't. You just cracked my boilers, and my engine room was flooded.
[00:07:53] Unknown:
I shouldn't let girls around shipyards have it. I'm telling you. Oh, I have a perfect right to be here. Like a blood transfusion. Alright. Never mind that now. I I said that, didn't I? Perfect right to be here. In fact, they named this boat after me because I have such graceful line. My friends tell me I look just like a streamlined ship.
[00:08:09] Unknown:
Don't look now, kid, but your cargo has shifted. Hey. Wait a minute. What are you two guys hanging around here for? My friend Costello here wants to be a sailor. Oh, he does? Yes. Oh, come on, fat boy. Grab that duffle bag and follow me. Okay. Oh, put me down, you fool. I'm sorry, Lee. In all this fog, I couldn't tell one old duffle from another. Costello, come on. Let's go. Come on, please. Let's get going. Come on. Yeah. Step right into this office, and we'll examine you. That's it. Now, open your shirt, Costello, and let me see what kind of a chest you've got. Oh, I couldn't do that. Oh, come on, Costello. Open your shirt. Abbot, I can't. I feel too embarrassed. Embarrassed to show your chest? I forgot to comb it this morning.
Come on. Here. I'll help you off with your shirt. Come on. Hey. You got some nice tattooing there. What's that picture of that lady on your back? Oh, that's Whistler's mother. Whistler's mother? What are those two sailors doing there with her? Those are the guys she whistled at. Hey, Costello. I see you've got general Eisenhower tattooed on your chest. Yeah. And I got general Montgomery on one shoulder and general Patton on the other shoulder. You got any more? I wish I could show you Hitler. Why not? I don't wanna take my shoes off. I might catch cold. Well, Costello, you seem to be alright physically.
Now just step in the next room and see the officer in charge of personnel.
[00:09:44] Unknown:
Hey.
[00:09:47] Unknown:
Look, Costello. It's Kenzo in the magic.
[00:09:52] Unknown:
Well, well, well, for goodness sake, what can I do for you, boys? I'm in charge of the CBs. CBs? Yeah. Could be. Now just a second, Costello. What are you doing with your hand? Absolute you. That's a very funny salute. Can I help it if my nose itches? Costello, behave yourself. Kitson, could you use a man like Costello on one of your ships? Oh, yes. Indeed. You know, I've got a ship leaving tomorrow for the Underwear Island. The Underwear Island? Uh-huh. The West Dundee.
[00:10:22] Unknown:
Oh, I was telling you, I asked someone with a picture company in the West Undies. I was making shorts. Oh.
[00:10:29] Unknown:
He was making sure. Oh, I get it. Making shirts. I don't wear them. Now listen, Kitzel. Where else does your boat go? Well, after it leaves the West Indies, it goes to Cuba, Puerto Rico, and Haiti. And what comes after Haiti? Haiti One, Haiti Two, Haiti Three.
[00:10:49] Unknown:
Oh, Abbot. This guy is nothing but a big no babb. What is a no babb? Go backwards. Baboon.
[00:10:57] Unknown:
Oh, who? Who are you calling a baboon? In my country, that means fight. Well, in my country, that means fight too. Well, how do you like that? We're both from the same country. Castello, quit hogging and our Kitsil won't give you a job. Yes, sir. Mister Castello, and you know I got just a job for you. We are looking for a brave boy like you to fight man eating sharks in the water. I'm afraid. I'm afraid. I'm afraid. I'm afraid
[00:11:22] Unknown:
I couldn't take that job. On a call, my middle name is Earl. What's, what's your middle name got to do with it? Earl and water don't mix. Castello, don't be such a coward. Why don't you admit that you can't swim? Who can't swim? Every night, I go swimming after dinner. You mean you swim on a a full stomach? No. I swim on my back. Last night, I was out swimming in the ocean. I saw a school of whales swimming eight feet above the water.
[00:11:44] Unknown:
Yeah. Just a second. Just a second. How could a school of whales swim eight feet above the water? This was a high school. Oh, for goodness sake, a high school. Well, we're going to see how much you know about swimming. I challenge you to our swimming race right now. You are, Costello.
[00:12:05] Unknown:
Quetzal is calling you bluff. Yeah. Alright, Quetzal. Tell you what I'll do. Do you see that little red light way out in the water? Yeah. Well, we'll swim out to that red light and back. And the guy who makes it in the fastest time wins. Okeydokey. I'll go for you. Go ahead. Well, there he goes, Costello. He's swimming straight for the red light. We had better be ready to try it when Kitsil gets back. Kitsil ain't coming back. Is it coming back? What do you mean? That red light is on the back end of a boat going to China. Castello, this is ridiculous.
We've been rowing around this harbor in the dock for over an hour. They've chased you off every ship. Nobody wants to hire you as a sailor. And besides, I'm very hungry. Oh, here's a bottle of milk. Catch yourself a fish. What kind of a fish could I catch with a bottle of milk? Catfish. No. Look. Let's go back to shore. Not me, Abbott. I'm going to every boat in this harbor until I get a job. Hey. Hey. Look. There's a boat bearing down on us now. Ahoy in our own boat. Can you spare a dime for a cup of coffee? A dime for a cup of coffee? Who are you? Oh, just a tramp steamer.
Here's a quarter, Niles. Go scout yourself, will you? Hey, Costello. There's a big ship laying at anchor, and there's a ladder hanging over the side. Look. I'll grab you by the coat and boost you up. What rip? Your coat is gone. Then you better grab me by the shirt. What rip? Your shirt is gone now. I'll grab you by the trousers. I'm afraid to ask. What's coming off down below? You'd be surprised. Better get you aboard. Never mind a board. Give me a barrel. Stand by below. I'm sending down the first mate. Put something around me. Ab it quick. His wife is coming down. Hurry up there. Don't bother sending down your first mate. Alright. I'll send down my second mate. How do you like that? The guy's a pigamist.
Don't send down your second mate either. How about the third mate? This guy's got three mates. What is this? To see a matrimony? Oh, go ahead, cuss delect. Time aboard.
[00:14:12] Unknown:
Welcome to the SS sponge.
[00:14:17] Unknown:
This spawn just soaked. Hey. You must be our new admiral. Just a minute, captain. Wait. Look. Clint. Clint. Alright. What's the matter? Abbott, this guy thinks I'm an admiral. Oh, this is my big chance to run my own ship. Take it easy. Here here I go. Watch me watch me put it easy. Go ahead. Crank up the ship. Let's get started. Put it in gear. Oh, but, sir, can't start the ship until you get steam up. I'll get steam up. Hey, steam. Yes, sir. Get up. Anything else, sir? Yeah. Batten down the hatches. But the hatches are all battened down. Batten them down again. We'll show those hatches. Wait a wait a minute, Costello. You can't make this ship go until you weigh the anchor. Okay. I bet bring you to scale. No. Before you start, Costello, you'd better get all your hands on deck. Get what? Your hands. Where are your hands? In my pocket, you don't. Costello, what about the weather? Did you get the weather forecast? The what? The weather forecast.
How do you find the weather? I opened the window, and there it was. No. This is serious, Costello. Suppose we run into a storm. Oh, I don't think we'll have a storm. How about a shower? Heck, whatever you think you need it. Oh. And I think you need it. Never mind. I think we both need it. Alright. Come on, Costello. Let's go up on the Captain's Bridge. Honest what? That thing over there is the Captain's Bridge. For goodness sake. How did you get that big thing in his mouth?
[00:15:36] Unknown:
Abort me, sir. We better not set sail. The barometer is falling. Well, pick it up, and let's get going.
[00:15:42] Unknown:
A bash, you slob swab. Log board the mainsail. Raise the jib sail, lower the sheets, and change the best bread. Well, we're moving, Costello. Isn't this wonderful? Here we go over the bounding wave. Up and down. Up and down.
[00:16:19] Unknown:
Stop the phone. I'm not stop the phone. With you?
[00:16:23] Unknown:
Something aeroplane is going to happen.
[00:16:26] Unknown:
How do you know? Are you psychic?
[00:16:28] Unknown:
No. I'm seasick.
[00:16:31] Unknown:
You'll be alright in a minute. Let's take a walk around the dick. Hey, Evan. What? Isn't the air wonderful? What's that little coop up on top of the ship? That's the crow's nest. Crow's nest? Mhmm. Let's go up and take a peek at the little darlings. Oh, please. Please. There are no crows up there. Then what are those big birds flying around up there? Well, those are gulls. How can you tell the gulls from the boys? No. Come on, please, Costella. Please. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. I mean, I wanna climb up in that crow's nest and gather some eggs. There are no eggs in that crow's nest. There must be. A couple of them just dropped after that last gag. Look. Please forget about the egg. I wish I was an egg. What do you mean? Now take it easy. Recitation. Now wait a minute for that, please. Recitation. Just a minute. Look. Now look. Now be careful what you're saying. I'd like to be a little sitting in a tree. When you'd walk by, I'd break myself and splatter thee with me.
Some yolk. Yes. Plenty. Pastilla, please. Cut that kind of stuff off. Well, I think I'll go below and get something to eat. Where do I eat? Well, you can mess with the captain's wife. Not me. I ain't messing with nobody's wife.
[00:17:42] Unknown:
Well, pardon me, sir. We'll have to turn back. We're going to run into a squall. Squall? What's an Indian's wife doing out here in the ocean?
[00:17:51] Unknown:
Gastelum, look. There's something Fire. Moving up ahead of us in the pod. Shadow. Hey. Do you see it? Something looming up ahead of us in the pod. Yeah. He's trying to run into it. Yeah. Hey, you. Don't you know the rules of the sea? Get out of the way. Do you want us to run into us? What do you mean run into you? This is a lighthouse.
[00:18:10] Unknown:
Well, get it out of the way. You're on the wrong side of the street anyway. And dim your lights. You're blinded me.
[00:18:19] Unknown:
Costello, you'd better let me take that wheel before we're all killed. Don't you get worried, Abbot. Don't you worry. I can steer this boat. I know every rock along this coast. That must be a strange one. Hey. Costello. What? I think you struck a reef. What? Breathe. Breathe. You were barking much better in the first spot. Right? Hey. We're moving again. Look out, Costello. There's a little fishing boat dead ahead. Bless your clams, 25¢
[00:18:46] Unknown:
a thousand. Bless your clams, 25¢ a thousand.
[00:18:57] Unknown:
Climb a child at 10¢ a bowl.
[00:19:00] Unknown:
Climb a child.
[00:19:03] Unknown:
Hey, Evan. Get me some crackers. I'm in the swoop again.
Hey, guys. It is Ryan. I'm not sure if you know this about me, but I'm a bit of a fun fanatic when I can. I like to work, but I like fun too. It's a thing. And now the truth is out there. I can tell you about my favorite place to have fun, Chamba Casino. They have hundreds of social casino casino style games to choose from with new games released each week. You can play for free anytime, anywhere, and each day brings a new chance to collect daily bonuses. So join me in the fun. Sign up now at Chumbacasino.com. Hello. It is Ryan, and we could all use an extra bright spot in our day, couldn't we? Just to make up for things like sitting in traffic, doing the dishes, counting your steps, you know, all the mundane stuff. That is why I'm such a big fan of Chumba Casino. Chumba Casino has all your favorite social casino style games that you can play for free anytime, anywhere with daily bonuses.
That should brighten your day low. Actually, a lot. So sign up now at Chumbacasino.com. That's Chumba Casino dot com.
[00:01:00] Unknown:
No purchase necessary. DTELLU. Avoid prohibited by law. See terms and conditions, 18 plus.
[00:01:02] Unknown:
Hey, Costello. Costello, come here. Where have you been? Hey. Wait a minute. And where did you get that suit? It looks like a naval officer's uniform. Oh, a naval officer's uniform. Uh-huh. I should hope to tell you, Abbot. I'm gonna join the Merchant Marine. How How do you like to finish the uniform? Get all that gold bread on my cap, the gold bread on my sleeve. Wait a minute, Costello. That's a nice uniform, alright, but you've got the pants on backwards. I know. I wanna be a real admiral. I know. I know. I'm kidding. Look. You can't get into the merchant marine. You couldn't pass the physical examination. Who couldn't have it? I walked in the recruiting office this afternoon. Everybody stood up, and and the captain pointed at me, and he said, boys, there's a whale of a man. The captain said you were a whale of a man. Well, he didn't use them same words. What did he say? He He said, boys, get a load of that big hunk of blubber.
You know, I can hardly wait till I get on my ship, Abbott. Tailing sailing over the bounding New Jersey. Now wait a minute. Wait. Wait a minute. That's over the bounding Maine. I come from Patterson, New Jersey. Why should I give a plug to Maine? No. I love plug. Oh, there you are. That shows you you know nothing about the sea. You're not a nautical man. I'm not what? I said you're the you're the least bit nautical. Oh, I have my moment. Oh, no. You do have it. No. I do. No. No. After all, a fella can't be nicicle all the time. There's no sensical in being nicicle when you meet a little cuticle who wants to be nautical.
Oh, what are you talking about? What am I talking about? Yes. Well, last night ago, I met a cuticle riding a bicycle. I bought her a popsicle, and just as she was gonna give me a Kitsicle, a Copsicle on a motorcycle blew his whistle and gave me a Slapsicle and a Pussicle and sent me Homesicle. That's enough of that silly talk. What do you mean by coming in here talking about being a sailor? You don't know anything about the sea. Hold on. My whole family were sailors, Abbot. Even my uncle Arty Stubbers was a sailor. What was his capacity? Five quarts. No. No. No. No. No. No. What did he do as a sailor? He was on a tanker. Where is he now? On a fender? Well, now will you be serious, please? Now, take me. What's you? No. Shut up. I love the sea. The sea is in my blood. Sailboats, steamboats, rowboats, they're all in my blood. No wonder your skin is so lumpy. Oh, you can joke all you want, but I love the sea. Do you realize that I lived on saltwater for twenty years? How can you drink that stuff? Oh, never mind that. The ocean is wonderful. Did you ever see the flying fishes fly?
All the leaping tuners leap? Nope. But I saw the dolphins' dawg and heard the porpoise's port. Look, Costello. I'm going to see how much you know about boats. Now have you have you ever been down to the docks? Yeah. I was at the docks this morning. Did you see any vessels? Yep. The nurse carried one in. I no. Hold on. I'm not talking I'm not talking about that kind of a dock. I'm talking about a walk. A what? A walk. Walk. Walk. Oh, that's cute, Abbot. Now give me your paw. The walk is where the boats embark. The what? Embark. Embark. What are you doing? I didn't know you wanna play doggy. Oh, Crustello, please. I don't think you know anything about boats. You know anything about sloops? Oh, I'm crazy about sloops. There's nothing like a hot bowl of sloop with plenty of crackers.
You dummy. You wouldn't know the difference between a I'm trying to talk like Charlie Chan. Listen to me, please. I'm just I'm just after telling you. You wouldn't know the difference between a sloop and a gunboat. That's what my mother made for lunch. She made what? Chicken gunboat sloop? You please talk, Seds. Look. How about this boat you're going out on? How fast is it? How fast is it? Yeah. It goes 40 miles an hour. Oh, no. No. No. No. No. You don't mean miles. You mean your boat goes nuts. My boat goes nuts. Certainly. Every boat goes nuts. What drives them nuts? The engines.
The engines engines drive the boats nuts? That's right. We gotta get word through to Gene Autry. He'll fix those engines. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No if you ask a sailor how fast the boat is going, he won't say miles to you. He'll say nuts to you. And I'll say nuts right back to him. No. You don't. No. No. No. You're a fine sailor. Great guy to have on a boat in case of an emergency. Look. What would you do if you were on a boat and it started leaking in the middle of the night? I put a pan under it and go back to bed. No. No.
[00:05:40] Unknown:
No. No. Well, ain't that right? No. Certainly not.
[00:05:43] Unknown:
Suppose there was a big hole in the side of the boat and the water was rushing in. What would you do? I'd pour a hole on the other side and let the water out. Well, you see, there you go again. Why, you don't even know what part of the boat from you don't want one part from the other. Oh, yes. I do. No. You don't. Yes. I do. Well, let me let me hear. Let's see. Alright. Go ahead. What's the the buffalo boat. Okay. The bow the bow is the front of the boat. That's right. The stern is the back of the boat, and the starboard is on the right side. Yeah. Where's the port? In the bottom of the icebox. I told you. Look. Look. Look. Suppose suppose you were out in a boat and a strong east wind came up, what would you do? I'd throw out an anchor. That's right. Probably not. But suppose a terrific west wind came up.
I'd throw out an anchor. But suppose a north wind came up. Then I'd throw out an anchor. Hey. Wait a minute. Where are you getting all those anchors? Same place you're getting all that wind. Costello, you are without a doubt the most imbecilic moron I have ever met in my life. Thank you, Abbot. That's right. And I wish you'd tell that to my uncle, Arnie Stevens. Why? He thinks I'm a jerk. Hey, Adam. What? What's the idea of dragging me down here to the shipyard? Well, Costello, if you're going into the Merchant Marines, you've got to learn something about boats. Now see right over there, tied up to that pier, you see two schooners and a skip. Oh, this must be be the place where my uncle Arnie Stebbins was last night. What do you mean? He had two schooners, and he'd come home skip. No. Will you cut that out, please? Have it. Have it. What? Floor floor. What? What's that funny looking boat over there with only top on it? Oh, that's one they're just building. That's a hull of a ship. You're telling me. But what kind of a boat is it?
[00:07:21] Unknown:
Hey there, fat boy. Step aside. We're about to christen a ship.
[00:07:25] Unknown:
Alright, lady. Break that bottle of champagne over this turn.
[00:07:29] Unknown:
No. Poop poop. Lady, what's the idea? You said, get the phone on me. Oh, I'm so sorry. In all this fog, I couldn't tell one tub from another.
[00:07:41] Unknown:
Let me at the table. Get away from there, Costello. It's not her fault. She mistook you for a shift. I I hope I didn't hurt you. Oh, no. You didn't. You just cracked my boilers, and my engine room was flooded.
[00:07:53] Unknown:
I shouldn't let girls around shipyards have it. I'm telling you. Oh, I have a perfect right to be here. Like a blood transfusion. Alright. Never mind that now. I I said that, didn't I? Perfect right to be here. In fact, they named this boat after me because I have such graceful line. My friends tell me I look just like a streamlined ship.
[00:08:09] Unknown:
Don't look now, kid, but your cargo has shifted. Hey. Wait a minute. What are you two guys hanging around here for? My friend Costello here wants to be a sailor. Oh, he does? Yes. Oh, come on, fat boy. Grab that duffle bag and follow me. Okay. Oh, put me down, you fool. I'm sorry, Lee. In all this fog, I couldn't tell one old duffle from another. Costello, come on. Let's go. Come on, please. Let's get going. Come on. Yeah. Step right into this office, and we'll examine you. That's it. Now, open your shirt, Costello, and let me see what kind of a chest you've got. Oh, I couldn't do that. Oh, come on, Costello. Open your shirt. Abbot, I can't. I feel too embarrassed. Embarrassed to show your chest? I forgot to comb it this morning.
Come on. Here. I'll help you off with your shirt. Come on. Hey. You got some nice tattooing there. What's that picture of that lady on your back? Oh, that's Whistler's mother. Whistler's mother? What are those two sailors doing there with her? Those are the guys she whistled at. Hey, Costello. I see you've got general Eisenhower tattooed on your chest. Yeah. And I got general Montgomery on one shoulder and general Patton on the other shoulder. You got any more? I wish I could show you Hitler. Why not? I don't wanna take my shoes off. I might catch cold. Well, Costello, you seem to be alright physically.
Now just step in the next room and see the officer in charge of personnel.
[00:09:44] Unknown:
Hey.
[00:09:47] Unknown:
Look, Costello. It's Kenzo in the magic.
[00:09:52] Unknown:
Well, well, well, for goodness sake, what can I do for you, boys? I'm in charge of the CBs. CBs? Yeah. Could be. Now just a second, Costello. What are you doing with your hand? Absolute you. That's a very funny salute. Can I help it if my nose itches? Costello, behave yourself. Kitson, could you use a man like Costello on one of your ships? Oh, yes. Indeed. You know, I've got a ship leaving tomorrow for the Underwear Island. The Underwear Island? Uh-huh. The West Dundee.
[00:10:22] Unknown:
Oh, I was telling you, I asked someone with a picture company in the West Undies. I was making shorts. Oh.
[00:10:29] Unknown:
He was making sure. Oh, I get it. Making shirts. I don't wear them. Now listen, Kitzel. Where else does your boat go? Well, after it leaves the West Indies, it goes to Cuba, Puerto Rico, and Haiti. And what comes after Haiti? Haiti One, Haiti Two, Haiti Three.
[00:10:49] Unknown:
Oh, Abbot. This guy is nothing but a big no babb. What is a no babb? Go backwards. Baboon.
[00:10:57] Unknown:
Oh, who? Who are you calling a baboon? In my country, that means fight. Well, in my country, that means fight too. Well, how do you like that? We're both from the same country. Castello, quit hogging and our Kitsil won't give you a job. Yes, sir. Mister Castello, and you know I got just a job for you. We are looking for a brave boy like you to fight man eating sharks in the water. I'm afraid. I'm afraid. I'm afraid. I'm afraid
[00:11:22] Unknown:
I couldn't take that job. On a call, my middle name is Earl. What's, what's your middle name got to do with it? Earl and water don't mix. Castello, don't be such a coward. Why don't you admit that you can't swim? Who can't swim? Every night, I go swimming after dinner. You mean you swim on a a full stomach? No. I swim on my back. Last night, I was out swimming in the ocean. I saw a school of whales swimming eight feet above the water.
[00:11:44] Unknown:
Yeah. Just a second. Just a second. How could a school of whales swim eight feet above the water? This was a high school. Oh, for goodness sake, a high school. Well, we're going to see how much you know about swimming. I challenge you to our swimming race right now. You are, Costello.
[00:12:05] Unknown:
Quetzal is calling you bluff. Yeah. Alright, Quetzal. Tell you what I'll do. Do you see that little red light way out in the water? Yeah. Well, we'll swim out to that red light and back. And the guy who makes it in the fastest time wins. Okeydokey. I'll go for you. Go ahead. Well, there he goes, Costello. He's swimming straight for the red light. We had better be ready to try it when Kitsil gets back. Kitsil ain't coming back. Is it coming back? What do you mean? That red light is on the back end of a boat going to China. Castello, this is ridiculous.
We've been rowing around this harbor in the dock for over an hour. They've chased you off every ship. Nobody wants to hire you as a sailor. And besides, I'm very hungry. Oh, here's a bottle of milk. Catch yourself a fish. What kind of a fish could I catch with a bottle of milk? Catfish. No. Look. Let's go back to shore. Not me, Abbott. I'm going to every boat in this harbor until I get a job. Hey. Hey. Look. There's a boat bearing down on us now. Ahoy in our own boat. Can you spare a dime for a cup of coffee? A dime for a cup of coffee? Who are you? Oh, just a tramp steamer.
Here's a quarter, Niles. Go scout yourself, will you? Hey, Costello. There's a big ship laying at anchor, and there's a ladder hanging over the side. Look. I'll grab you by the coat and boost you up. What rip? Your coat is gone. Then you better grab me by the shirt. What rip? Your shirt is gone now. I'll grab you by the trousers. I'm afraid to ask. What's coming off down below? You'd be surprised. Better get you aboard. Never mind a board. Give me a barrel. Stand by below. I'm sending down the first mate. Put something around me. Ab it quick. His wife is coming down. Hurry up there. Don't bother sending down your first mate. Alright. I'll send down my second mate. How do you like that? The guy's a pigamist.
Don't send down your second mate either. How about the third mate? This guy's got three mates. What is this? To see a matrimony? Oh, go ahead, cuss delect. Time aboard.
[00:14:12] Unknown:
Welcome to the SS sponge.
[00:14:17] Unknown:
This spawn just soaked. Hey. You must be our new admiral. Just a minute, captain. Wait. Look. Clint. Clint. Alright. What's the matter? Abbott, this guy thinks I'm an admiral. Oh, this is my big chance to run my own ship. Take it easy. Here here I go. Watch me watch me put it easy. Go ahead. Crank up the ship. Let's get started. Put it in gear. Oh, but, sir, can't start the ship until you get steam up. I'll get steam up. Hey, steam. Yes, sir. Get up. Anything else, sir? Yeah. Batten down the hatches. But the hatches are all battened down. Batten them down again. We'll show those hatches. Wait a wait a minute, Costello. You can't make this ship go until you weigh the anchor. Okay. I bet bring you to scale. No. Before you start, Costello, you'd better get all your hands on deck. Get what? Your hands. Where are your hands? In my pocket, you don't. Costello, what about the weather? Did you get the weather forecast? The what? The weather forecast.
How do you find the weather? I opened the window, and there it was. No. This is serious, Costello. Suppose we run into a storm. Oh, I don't think we'll have a storm. How about a shower? Heck, whatever you think you need it. Oh. And I think you need it. Never mind. I think we both need it. Alright. Come on, Costello. Let's go up on the Captain's Bridge. Honest what? That thing over there is the Captain's Bridge. For goodness sake. How did you get that big thing in his mouth?
[00:15:36] Unknown:
Abort me, sir. We better not set sail. The barometer is falling. Well, pick it up, and let's get going.
[00:15:42] Unknown:
A bash, you slob swab. Log board the mainsail. Raise the jib sail, lower the sheets, and change the best bread. Well, we're moving, Costello. Isn't this wonderful? Here we go over the bounding wave. Up and down. Up and down.
[00:16:19] Unknown:
Stop the phone. I'm not stop the phone. With you?
[00:16:23] Unknown:
Something aeroplane is going to happen.
[00:16:26] Unknown:
How do you know? Are you psychic?
[00:16:28] Unknown:
No. I'm seasick.
[00:16:31] Unknown:
You'll be alright in a minute. Let's take a walk around the dick. Hey, Evan. What? Isn't the air wonderful? What's that little coop up on top of the ship? That's the crow's nest. Crow's nest? Mhmm. Let's go up and take a peek at the little darlings. Oh, please. Please. There are no crows up there. Then what are those big birds flying around up there? Well, those are gulls. How can you tell the gulls from the boys? No. Come on, please, Costella. Please. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. I mean, I wanna climb up in that crow's nest and gather some eggs. There are no eggs in that crow's nest. There must be. A couple of them just dropped after that last gag. Look. Please forget about the egg. I wish I was an egg. What do you mean? Now take it easy. Recitation. Now wait a minute for that, please. Recitation. Just a minute. Look. Now look. Now be careful what you're saying. I'd like to be a little sitting in a tree. When you'd walk by, I'd break myself and splatter thee with me.
Some yolk. Yes. Plenty. Pastilla, please. Cut that kind of stuff off. Well, I think I'll go below and get something to eat. Where do I eat? Well, you can mess with the captain's wife. Not me. I ain't messing with nobody's wife.
[00:17:42] Unknown:
Well, pardon me, sir. We'll have to turn back. We're going to run into a squall. Squall? What's an Indian's wife doing out here in the ocean?
[00:17:51] Unknown:
Gastelum, look. There's something Fire. Moving up ahead of us in the pod. Shadow. Hey. Do you see it? Something looming up ahead of us in the pod. Yeah. He's trying to run into it. Yeah. Hey, you. Don't you know the rules of the sea? Get out of the way. Do you want us to run into us? What do you mean run into you? This is a lighthouse.
[00:18:10] Unknown:
Well, get it out of the way. You're on the wrong side of the street anyway. And dim your lights. You're blinded me.
[00:18:19] Unknown:
Costello, you'd better let me take that wheel before we're all killed. Don't you get worried, Abbot. Don't you worry. I can steer this boat. I know every rock along this coast. That must be a strange one. Hey. Costello. What? I think you struck a reef. What? Breathe. Breathe. You were barking much better in the first spot. Right? Hey. We're moving again. Look out, Costello. There's a little fishing boat dead ahead. Bless your clams, 25¢
[00:18:46] Unknown:
a thousand. Bless your clams, 25¢ a thousand.
[00:18:57] Unknown:
Climb a child at 10¢ a bowl.
[00:19:00] Unknown:
Climb a child.
[00:19:03] Unknown:
Hey, Evan. Get me some crackers. I'm in the swoop again.
