In this lively episode, we dive into the world of entertainment and humor with a classic Abbott and Costello show. The episode kicks off with a playful introduction to "The Godfather" slot game, setting the stage for a series of comedic sketches and witty exchanges. As the show unfolds, Abbott and Costello engage in their signature banter, discussing everything from family dynamics to the challenges of navigating Los Angeles traffic. The duo's comedic timing and clever wordplay keep the audience entertained throughout. Listeners are treated to a variety of humorous scenarios, including Costello's attempts at becoming a dramatic actor and his interactions with Susan Miller. The episode also features musical interludes by Maddie Melnick Orchestra and Susan Miller, adding a melodic touch to the comedy. With references to classic Hollywood and a nod to PDQ gasoline, the show captures the essence of mid-20th-century American entertainment, leaving listeners with a smile and a sense of nostalgia.
(00:33) Ryan's Fun Fanatic Introduction
(01:07) Abbott and Costello's Comedic Antics
(04:45) PDQ Gasoline Advertisement and Comedy
(09:17) Susan Miller's Musical Interlude
(17:17) Costello's Dramatic Aspirations
(23:46) The Life of Sydney Greenstreet Skit
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[00:00:00]
Unknown:
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[00:00:28] Unknown:
Welcome to the family. No purchase necessary. VGW group. Boy prohibited by law. 18 plus. Terms and conditions apply. Hey, guys. It is Ryan. I'm not sure if you know this about me, but I'm a bit of a fun fanatic when I can. I like to work, but I like fun too. It's a thing. And now the truth is out there. I can tell you about my favorite place to have fun, Chamba Casino. They have hundreds of social casino style games to choose from with new games released each week. You can play for free anytime, anywhere, and each day brings a new chance to collect daily bonuses. So join me in the fun. Sign up now at chumbacasino.com.
[00:01:04] Unknown:
No purchase necessary. PTV. Avoid prohibited by law. See terms and conditions. 18 plus. Yeah. But what time is it? It's 08:00, Costello. We're only here for PDQ gasoline here in Hollywood. Well, what are we waiting for? Let's go with the Abbott and Costello Show. Yes. It's the new transcribed Avid and Costello Show with our new singing discovery, Susan Miller and Maddie Melnick Orchestra and yours truly, Michael Roy. So hold on to your chairs, folks, for here they are. What happened? Who caught that? Alright. Alright, South Delaware. You're late again. Oh, I couldn't help it happen. I stepped in my car, drove down to Long Beach, over to San Ann, up to Las Vegas, down through the mountains, and here I am. Well, why didn't you come straight here? Haven't. You ever tried to drive through Los Angeles?
Never mind that. Who is that girl I saw you talking to out by the studio? Oh, she's a French war bride. She just came from France to join her husband. She has quintuplets. Right, Joe? No. My private first class car sports about you can't tell me you're the world's biggest idiot. You're only saying that because everybody else does. Well, I've been studying that broken down nice school of yours. Detective work. Alright. Let's see what you know about crime detection. Now I'm a beautiful woman. Fine. I I was an international figure in the last World War. I have, soft blonde hair, shapely legs, and a seductive figure. Now what's my name? Who cares? What's your phone number?
You and your whole family are a bunch of morons. Oh, yeah? Uncle Mike is smart. He's got a new job up on top of Lookout Mountain. Job on Lookout Mountain? What did he do? Well, he sits there all day. And when another mountain comes along, he yells, look at those. Look out. I'll let I'll let I'll let him know what your aunt may ever saw in him. It was wonderful, Abby. Enough of my proposed aunt May. You should've seen him. He got up on one knee. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. You mean he got down on one knee? No. Up. He was in a saloon at the time. He is collecting antiques with a hobby. He's got a wheel off a Roman chariot, an axle from an old ox cart, a chassis from a covered wagon, and the first motor from a Stanley Steamer. Where does he keep all this stuff? Keep it. He drives it.
Now wait, Stella. Wait. Relax and listen a minute. My friend here has has got something interesting to say. Once a month on every oil executive's desk is a scientific analysis of many, many brands of gasoline. The findings of an independent testing laboratory outfit reported to all the industry. And any petroleum engineer would have to admit that this PDQ gasoline looks mighty, mighty good in the hard light of scientific analysis. We get a kick out of this PDQ because it reminds the big boys that when we talk seriously of PDQ quality, PDQ power, PDQ speed, we're giving you straight facts, not just making up pretty words. PDQ makes its own gas and its own PDQ refinery. Shucks. We even have our own oil wells. So our gasoline is our own product. And the PDQ gasoline you use in your car is the first and finest product we make. What this means in extra mileage, more power, and quick performance in your car is something that will please you, Michael. So, shall we plan on filling you up next time with PDQ? While you ponder this, here's the Abbott and Costello gas station gang.
I know that you know Abbott and Costello are the funniest guys on ABC, but here's Maddie Malbec and his orchestra to repeat that phrase for one musical minute. Family you come from, Where the happy family happens? The Cutsella girls married to Pozzos, the Faiellos, the Murphys, the Mulligans Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Mulligan is a stew. My sister know it, but she married them anyway. Did you drop in at Susan Miller's house in a using? Yes. But her mother didn't take me very nice. She wanted me to help her do the housework. You did? Yep. She said, jump into the kitchen. I'll mop up the floor with you. And what did you do with her? I stuffed my tongue out at her. Wait. That's not nice. I couldn't help her. Do we do that when she's choking me?
Why do you continually run after Susan? Before I was married, I didn't run after my wife. Abbott, a mousetrap doesn't run after a mouse, but it touches him just the bit. Alright. Forget it, Godzilla. Miss you, why don't you get married and settle down? Well, I could ask you in the middle of the marrying me, and she said she would in a certain place. In a certain place? Yes. I never heard of it. Called in a pig's eye. I understand. Must be near a dismal beach. No. You don't. You let Susan push you around. You let everybody push you around. Why don't you stand up to people and tell them what you think? I do. I stood up to Truman. What happened? Nothing. She went right on singing. Don't let me down. Please don't let me down. You just can't let me down. Who are you? Oh, just an old George that was Adam Smith, you folks. Oh, now quit picking on him, Godzilla.
Why don't you be nice? Yes. I'll invite him over to my house tonight and open up a guest guest. Sounds lovely. He's got an answer to this Costello. He's a good actor. In our new picture, the noose hangs high. He played, played a bit. In our last picture, he played a bit. Yes. He's a stupid actor. Right. Now listen. Pardon me. We're interrupting. He's back again? You want? Mister Costello, you're one of the funniest comedians and one of the finest stars in the entire motion picture industry. Oh, no. I mean, you're just saying that. No. I'm not. I'm reading it. Abbot, I'd like to take you for a long walk on a short period. I'll wait.
You're just jealous because he's got better access than you. Yes, sir. I'll have you know that I played with Lauren Bacall in Dark Passage. I saw that picture. And I didn't see you with Lauren Bacall. Well, who do you think turned out the light in the past? Doctor. Derek, you didn't think so much of you at Eagle Lion. He did so. I heard him say that my performance was very educational. He said your performance was educational. Well, not exactly. But when he saw me on the screen in New Saint High, he said, well, this ought to teach us a lesson. How did you happen to get in pictures anyway? Listen. I must tell you as a little boy I wanna be a dramatic actor. You know, Abbot, I started off in life as a little boy. Everybody starts off in life as a little boy.
My sister didn't. Hello, boy. Hello. It's Susan Miller. Isn't that a pretty dress you're wearing? Nothing. It's just an old mother habit. Well, don't look now, but your covetous bear. God tell her that's no way to talk to Susan. Please Sure. Say something. Nice. Susan, you are the very princesses of feminine talkative, and your devastating beauty overshadows any other beauty that defeats my very soul with scintillating palpitations, ostentatious trepidation. Oh, Costello, when you know me better, you'd wanna take that all back. Oh, no. I won't have a couple of time trying to get it out. Don't pay attention to, h I m. Unless you and I go out on a, d a c e. How about c o n I c h t? Now wait. That ain't fair. You're using words with letters in
[00:10:18] Unknown:
Susan, you're supposed to be my girl. It's no need to pursue you, Costello. I want a man who has lived. Well, I've lived. I mean, recently.
[00:10:30] Unknown:
Very funny. Keep it up, Susan, and you'll be back in a child's window flipping things.
[00:10:36] Unknown:
Don't you know that women only use men as tools?
[00:10:40] Unknown:
Do you use men for tools? Certainly. Yeah. Well, let me know, Susan, if you ever need a vice. Yeah. Here, Abbot. You take the therapy. I'll go out and sit in the audience. I'll get I'll get talk, Adele. I I've gotta get off get off a joke here once in a while. You know? Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Better get off that one before. That's a Soon, if I were a single man if I was a single man, I'd ask you to marry me. Well, that would be wonderful, bud. And if we had children, you'd be the father. Yes. The man is always the father, and the woman is always the mother. If it was any different, you'd be on people are funny.
[00:11:25] Unknown:
Don't mind him, Susan. He decided to be a big dramatic actor. Oh, a big dramatic actor. Well, I'm a dramatic actor. Yes, sir. Well, Patello, I might be able to get you a part in the new picture, the Ice Man covers. They need an actor like me to be the leading man? No. They need a drip like you to empty the pan under the icebox.
[00:11:49] Unknown:
No. There's only one thing wrong with Susan. She don't believe in give and take. What do you mean? She don't believe I've got anything to give, and she wouldn't take it anyway. You were sorry when I'm a take dramatic action. So you insist on being a dramatic actor, Yes. Well, let's see how you would play a dramatic scene with a girl. Now let's pretend that I'm the, first girl you ever met in your life. I sure start out with a dog. What kind of a girl am I? Am I pretty? Well, what difference does it make? I don't care if you're a bull legged cross eyed just as long as you're a girl. Oh, you men are all alike. Alright.
You're a you're a 23 year old girl, and you're living on the floor playing with your dog. How do you like that? I'm a girl 23 years old, and I'm playing with my feet. Oh, how about you? Now remember, you're the girl, and I'm coming into calling. Oh, here I am. Hello? Why don't you answer the door? I'm just showing you that I'm hard to get. Oh, that's dope. Well, I'm coming in anyway. Wait a minute. What are you screaming for? You're taking a bath? Yes. And I'm having dinner. You eat You eat dinner in the bathtub? Sure. Same time. I can watch my competition. You're supposed to get it. I give up. I'm through. Oh, no, Abbot. Please. Please give me one more time. Well, alright. Did I come again? I'm gonna teach you how to play a dramatic love scene with a girl. Oh, come into my arm.
No. No. Costello, stop pushing me. Do you hear? Stella, you idiot. Why did you push me out the window? I had to have but I thought I heard my husband come. We'll be back with the content and the flick of an eyelash post after a few comments on this subject. And now, ladies and gentlemen, your attention please at this phase of the exhibition, fall within the confines of these walls you're about to hear for perhaps the first time, a revolutionary new idea in motoring. Over the broad highways of this great nation, we at PDQ, which I have the honor to represent, are determined that word shall spread among the alert, the intelligence, the leaders Please move in a little closer. Of a great deal discovery in California. Not gold, not gravel, not sunshine, but and this is a historic moment, the clean windshield.
[00:14:25] Unknown:
The clean, bright, unsullied parkland windshield, courtesy of your neighborhood PDQ dealer. I tell you, friend, somewhere tonight on this broad land, the rain is falling. The mud, the dirt, the grime, the tawdry byproducts of our civilization are clouding windshields of every make and model paid for or not. Better check the oil too, Lou. And if you and you and you will join me in a vast driving unbeatable forward moving parade of determined American men and women into your neighborhood PDQ station to get your windshield right, this will be a happier world.
Abbott and Costello
[00:14:59] Unknown:
will carry Susan Miller sings the Leo Robin lyrics approved by the Hollywood Chamber of Commerce. It's June and January.
[00:15:28] Unknown:
June in January because I'm in love. It always is
[00:17:17] Unknown:
What are you doing with that old scrapbook? I'm gonna prove to you that I'm a great dramatic actor. This book is full of clippings and parts and dramatic showings. Here's one of my big successes, the man who came to dinner. What did you do with the man who came to dinner? I put the sugar in the coffee. That was a sterling performance. Oh, what other part did you play? Well, I played Napoleon. My greatest scene was when I was Napoleon, and I lost the battle of, battle of, Waterloo. No. Thanks, bud. I'm not supposed to If you're such a great actor, why aren't you in demand at the studios? I am. Universal Studios have been calling me every day.
Why did you go there? I don't like what they're calling. Now look. Because all the great actors have a sweet and tight. Why, when I kiss a girl on the stage, I kiss her half. That's the Abbott touch. Mhmm. I speak lines with my back to the audience. That's the Abbott Touch. Do you know me to notice? Why? That's the Costello Touch. Oh. I'm not studying the Costello, you should study the great actors. So do the theaters more often. I can live in night at it. I take a bag of gumdrops to sit in the balcony. Well, I take chocolate and sit in the box. Don't touch. Wash the chocolate. Never mind that cat seller. There's a lot of money in dramatic action. Do you really think you could do it? It's a cinch. 10 actors don't know what they're doing. Last night, I talked to the lorry to a scene. It went like this.
You still get the information, mister Myers? You didn't get the information, mister Myers? But you were supposed to get the information, mister Myers. There's a guy getting $3,000 a week, and he can't even get the information. Alright, Gastel. Look. I'll be a regular fellow. If you wanna be a dramatic actor, you you meet an agent. I'll take you to the best agent in town. Come on.
[00:19:09] Unknown:
Sit right down, gentlemen. Mister Whitney will be with you in a moment. Thank you. Adam,
[00:19:13] Unknown:
do you, know this guy? Is he really a good agent? Well, he carries a lot of weight. He gets he gets steamed up. He pushes his way into the studio, flattens the opposition and pays the way for you. I call that an agent. I call that a steamroller. Mister Whitney is a great agent. He he's got his foot in the door at MGM, his finger in the pie at Paramount. His ear to the ground, a big lie in the one eye on universal what? He's gonna handle me. He's gotta do one thing. What's that? Pull himself together.
[00:19:43] Unknown:
A gentleman now. Alrighty?
[00:19:47] Unknown:
I'll be with you in a moment, gentlemen. I'm talking to a client on the phone. What's that? You're tired of playing the same part all the time? But you're not a romantic lead. I'm sorry, but you have to just keep playing the same kind of part. Goodbye. Who is that trigger? Tired of playing the part of a horse. I'd drop him as a client, but he owes me $500 I loaned him for gambling. Sir, you know, horse gambles? Oh, I see him at the track every day. He bets on the jockey. I'm sorry to hear you. Counselor wants to be a dramatic actor. Counselor, have you had any acting experience? Well, once I was with a traveling troupe, a road company. Spent much time on the road. I was on a road so much I had a white line down the middle of my back.
Call them, Costello. Miss mister Whitney, could you get Costello a dramatic part in pictures? Well, let's see. They need an actor to fight Humphrey Bogart in his new picture. How much salary would you want for that, Costello? Ten thousand dollars. Uh-huh. Here's another job you'd have to hold at the stagecoach. How much would you want for that? $10,000. Here's another job you'd have to make love to Ann Sheridan. He smothers you with kisses. How much would you want for that job? Would $3 be asking too much? Marcelo, if I get you a job in pictures, you'll have to develop finesse. You'll have to act with poi.
I gotta act with boys. Certainly. Why can't I act with girls? Right. Sally, you do act with girls, but you act with boys. How can I act with girls? I'm gonna act with boys. Hello? Whenever you act with girls, they expect you to act with boys. Not the girls' title output. You you don't understand. We're talking about boys. Boys is important. Suppose you were asked to dance with a girl in a picture. You would dance with boys. Now he's got me dancing with boys. Now all fellas do not dance with boys, but they should. If they do, it'll close down the palladium. Costello, you're a little mixed up. Forget about boys. Let's put it this way. I want you to look well. Think you have an air. Wear your clothes with grace. Oh, you want me to take an an an an could I have that again? Look. He wants you to wear your clothes with grace. Now ain't that a pretty picture?
Grace and me walking down the street with my clothes. I can hardly get into the street myself. Forget about Grace. Hello. I'm concerned with your appearance. I insist that you dress Natalie. I'll be glad you. Where does Natalie live? Natalie doesn't live anywhere. Natalie is not her girl. Must be one of those boys we were talking about. Oh, listen. Listen, dummy. We're talking a lot of purest. Every actor dresses Natalie. Natalie, can you dress Natalie? Certainly. Wait till your wife finds out about this? Mister Costello, we're not discussing a woman. We're discussing clothes.
Now before I take you to the studio for a job, I want you to go to a good men's job and get some decent attire. Good. I'll go right away. And what should I get? A tire. Something to wear. A tire. You, you want me to wear a tire? Certainly. How do you like that? Now he's got me walking down the street dressed in a tire. What are you talking about, Gus Ellis? Well, I bet. I I didn't mind it when you told me that I have to dance with boys. And I did not get when you asked me where my clothes was great. And then you made me get great out of my clothes and put them on Natalie. But when you asked me to wear a tire so that I will have to go to a filling station every time I wanna get dressed, I don't like that. You have not only impute on my good name, but you have tasked consuming on the good name of the two pants suit makers of America and besmirch the dignity of the amalgamated confederation of needle workers, and you have the greatest affairs to the of Los Angeles, Kyle Spencer of The USA and the future of the Oh, hello, Kay Kaye.
I brought over my new clients. They're loaded with TNT. Who are they, DW? ANC. ANC, PU. You see, AK, Costello is anxious to play a dramatic part in pictures. Well, I'm making a picture called the life of Sydney Greenstreet. Costello, you might play the part of Sydney Greenstreet. You both have the same shape. I spoke to the week. We stayed on the phone last night long. Just Person to person? No. Stomach to stomach. No. My name is for someone. Have you ever had any experience as a screen robber? Well, in my last picture, I hugged and kissed Ingrid Bergman. She was very happy. Ingrid Bergman was not in our last picture, Lou. That's why she was so happy. Just about on the sound place, Priscilla, and I'll give you a screen text.
What's that? We are shooting a picture. I'm gonna take my brother to see that picture. Oh, but the picture won't be out for six months. Neither will my brother. How about this dream, Despacas, tell? Now if you want to make money in pictures, Costello, you've got to have polish. Every star needs polish. Our star can't get enough polish. Now do you know how to make money in pictures? Sure. Self polish to the stars. Costello, by polish, he means work. Hard work. Take Clark Gable. When he when he makes love to the the heavy Lamar, it becomes work just like selling newspaper. Any questions? I wonder if Gable will tell me his new stand. Well, we are ready for your best, doc Costello. Now remember, you are supposed to be Sydney Greenstreet.
I'll give it everything you've got. Wife. Come to my home. Alofia. At last, we are alone, Olivia. I'm over here, Olivia. Kiss me.
[00:25:45] Unknown:
Oh, you are so brave. Rest your lips to mine.
[00:25:56] Unknown:
So it's you, you're right, taking love to my girl. I've known about this all the time. But today, I set up crap too, and I left her here as a bait. I caught you. You set a trap with stuff like that. You'll text me every time. Cut. Car. Car. Now let's go to the projection room and run the time. Well, what do you think of that test, AK? Doesn't Castello remind you of Sydney Greenstreet? Nothing. What's an idea? It's wonderful. You You mean I get the job? No. Send for Sydney Greenstreet. How do I take my dear, Smarter? The life of Sydney Greenstreet is dying Sydney Greenstreet. Adam, get me out of here.
Don't go away, folks. Our cars will be back. But first, they'd like you to listen then. Let's roll out the old PDQ welcome mat for a few new typical dealers, Guys who have recently joined the PDQ team of independent dealers. There's RD and RW Hardeen down in Long Beach, MC Miller in Chino, Theodore H Smith out in Banning, Charles R Stevens in Pomona, and Irving Fontaine and Melvin Souvera up in San Jose. Then too, there's Albert j Wyatt, Santa Monica, and Richard l Bercowire of San Bernardino, all new PDQ dealers. Typical of the many, many automotive experts who are men in business for themselves. Substantial citizens of their own communities who, by their very active selecting PDQ gasoline and other PDQ products to sell when they could be selling most any brand, have put their expert stamp of approval on the quality, the reputation, and the acceptance of PDQ automotive products.
I can have you get acquainted with the PDQ dealer in your neighborhood. You will find he has a sincere interest and the know how to take much better care of your cost. And now the PDQ gas station gang, fill her up Abbott and check the oil Costello. And now here are Abbott and Costello with the final word. I'll take it, Abbott. Hello? Yes? Is that so? That's terrible. Goodbye. The Medicare fella. Oh, my cousin Peter went to the licensed bureau at City Hall for a marriage license. He got shoved into the wrong line. What happened? He is now Cocker Spaniel, one seven six five four three three. Oh, good night, folks. Good night, everybody. Don't forget to listen next Sunday morning for our new Skinny Show. Goodbye. Listen to Wednesday night at this time for another great Avenue Costello show produced and transcribed in Hollywood by Charles Vanda and featuring Susan Miller and Maddie Malnick Orchestra.
This is Michael Roy saying goodbye until this same time next Wednesday. This is ABC, the American Broadcasting Company.
Step into the world of power, loyalty, and luck. I'm gonna make him an offer he can't refuse. With family, cannolis, and spins mean everything. Now you wanna get mixed up in the family business. Introducing The Godfather Godfather at champacasino.com. Test your luck in the shadowy world of The Godfather slot. Someday, I will call upon you to do a service for me. Play The Godfather now at champacasino.com.
[00:00:28] Unknown:
Welcome to the family. No purchase necessary. VGW group. Boy prohibited by law. 18 plus. Terms and conditions apply. Hey, guys. It is Ryan. I'm not sure if you know this about me, but I'm a bit of a fun fanatic when I can. I like to work, but I like fun too. It's a thing. And now the truth is out there. I can tell you about my favorite place to have fun, Chamba Casino. They have hundreds of social casino style games to choose from with new games released each week. You can play for free anytime, anywhere, and each day brings a new chance to collect daily bonuses. So join me in the fun. Sign up now at chumbacasino.com.
[00:01:04] Unknown:
No purchase necessary. PTV. Avoid prohibited by law. See terms and conditions. 18 plus. Yeah. But what time is it? It's 08:00, Costello. We're only here for PDQ gasoline here in Hollywood. Well, what are we waiting for? Let's go with the Abbott and Costello Show. Yes. It's the new transcribed Avid and Costello Show with our new singing discovery, Susan Miller and Maddie Melnick Orchestra and yours truly, Michael Roy. So hold on to your chairs, folks, for here they are. What happened? Who caught that? Alright. Alright, South Delaware. You're late again. Oh, I couldn't help it happen. I stepped in my car, drove down to Long Beach, over to San Ann, up to Las Vegas, down through the mountains, and here I am. Well, why didn't you come straight here? Haven't. You ever tried to drive through Los Angeles?
Never mind that. Who is that girl I saw you talking to out by the studio? Oh, she's a French war bride. She just came from France to join her husband. She has quintuplets. Right, Joe? No. My private first class car sports about you can't tell me you're the world's biggest idiot. You're only saying that because everybody else does. Well, I've been studying that broken down nice school of yours. Detective work. Alright. Let's see what you know about crime detection. Now I'm a beautiful woman. Fine. I I was an international figure in the last World War. I have, soft blonde hair, shapely legs, and a seductive figure. Now what's my name? Who cares? What's your phone number?
You and your whole family are a bunch of morons. Oh, yeah? Uncle Mike is smart. He's got a new job up on top of Lookout Mountain. Job on Lookout Mountain? What did he do? Well, he sits there all day. And when another mountain comes along, he yells, look at those. Look out. I'll let I'll let I'll let him know what your aunt may ever saw in him. It was wonderful, Abby. Enough of my proposed aunt May. You should've seen him. He got up on one knee. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. You mean he got down on one knee? No. Up. He was in a saloon at the time. He is collecting antiques with a hobby. He's got a wheel off a Roman chariot, an axle from an old ox cart, a chassis from a covered wagon, and the first motor from a Stanley Steamer. Where does he keep all this stuff? Keep it. He drives it.
Now wait, Stella. Wait. Relax and listen a minute. My friend here has has got something interesting to say. Once a month on every oil executive's desk is a scientific analysis of many, many brands of gasoline. The findings of an independent testing laboratory outfit reported to all the industry. And any petroleum engineer would have to admit that this PDQ gasoline looks mighty, mighty good in the hard light of scientific analysis. We get a kick out of this PDQ because it reminds the big boys that when we talk seriously of PDQ quality, PDQ power, PDQ speed, we're giving you straight facts, not just making up pretty words. PDQ makes its own gas and its own PDQ refinery. Shucks. We even have our own oil wells. So our gasoline is our own product. And the PDQ gasoline you use in your car is the first and finest product we make. What this means in extra mileage, more power, and quick performance in your car is something that will please you, Michael. So, shall we plan on filling you up next time with PDQ? While you ponder this, here's the Abbott and Costello gas station gang.
I know that you know Abbott and Costello are the funniest guys on ABC, but here's Maddie Malbec and his orchestra to repeat that phrase for one musical minute. Family you come from, Where the happy family happens? The Cutsella girls married to Pozzos, the Faiellos, the Murphys, the Mulligans Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Mulligan is a stew. My sister know it, but she married them anyway. Did you drop in at Susan Miller's house in a using? Yes. But her mother didn't take me very nice. She wanted me to help her do the housework. You did? Yep. She said, jump into the kitchen. I'll mop up the floor with you. And what did you do with her? I stuffed my tongue out at her. Wait. That's not nice. I couldn't help her. Do we do that when she's choking me?
Why do you continually run after Susan? Before I was married, I didn't run after my wife. Abbott, a mousetrap doesn't run after a mouse, but it touches him just the bit. Alright. Forget it, Godzilla. Miss you, why don't you get married and settle down? Well, I could ask you in the middle of the marrying me, and she said she would in a certain place. In a certain place? Yes. I never heard of it. Called in a pig's eye. I understand. Must be near a dismal beach. No. You don't. You let Susan push you around. You let everybody push you around. Why don't you stand up to people and tell them what you think? I do. I stood up to Truman. What happened? Nothing. She went right on singing. Don't let me down. Please don't let me down. You just can't let me down. Who are you? Oh, just an old George that was Adam Smith, you folks. Oh, now quit picking on him, Godzilla.
Why don't you be nice? Yes. I'll invite him over to my house tonight and open up a guest guest. Sounds lovely. He's got an answer to this Costello. He's a good actor. In our new picture, the noose hangs high. He played, played a bit. In our last picture, he played a bit. Yes. He's a stupid actor. Right. Now listen. Pardon me. We're interrupting. He's back again? You want? Mister Costello, you're one of the funniest comedians and one of the finest stars in the entire motion picture industry. Oh, no. I mean, you're just saying that. No. I'm not. I'm reading it. Abbot, I'd like to take you for a long walk on a short period. I'll wait.
You're just jealous because he's got better access than you. Yes, sir. I'll have you know that I played with Lauren Bacall in Dark Passage. I saw that picture. And I didn't see you with Lauren Bacall. Well, who do you think turned out the light in the past? Doctor. Derek, you didn't think so much of you at Eagle Lion. He did so. I heard him say that my performance was very educational. He said your performance was educational. Well, not exactly. But when he saw me on the screen in New Saint High, he said, well, this ought to teach us a lesson. How did you happen to get in pictures anyway? Listen. I must tell you as a little boy I wanna be a dramatic actor. You know, Abbot, I started off in life as a little boy. Everybody starts off in life as a little boy.
My sister didn't. Hello, boy. Hello. It's Susan Miller. Isn't that a pretty dress you're wearing? Nothing. It's just an old mother habit. Well, don't look now, but your covetous bear. God tell her that's no way to talk to Susan. Please Sure. Say something. Nice. Susan, you are the very princesses of feminine talkative, and your devastating beauty overshadows any other beauty that defeats my very soul with scintillating palpitations, ostentatious trepidation. Oh, Costello, when you know me better, you'd wanna take that all back. Oh, no. I won't have a couple of time trying to get it out. Don't pay attention to, h I m. Unless you and I go out on a, d a c e. How about c o n I c h t? Now wait. That ain't fair. You're using words with letters in
[00:10:18] Unknown:
Susan, you're supposed to be my girl. It's no need to pursue you, Costello. I want a man who has lived. Well, I've lived. I mean, recently.
[00:10:30] Unknown:
Very funny. Keep it up, Susan, and you'll be back in a child's window flipping things.
[00:10:36] Unknown:
Don't you know that women only use men as tools?
[00:10:40] Unknown:
Do you use men for tools? Certainly. Yeah. Well, let me know, Susan, if you ever need a vice. Yeah. Here, Abbot. You take the therapy. I'll go out and sit in the audience. I'll get I'll get talk, Adele. I I've gotta get off get off a joke here once in a while. You know? Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Better get off that one before. That's a Soon, if I were a single man if I was a single man, I'd ask you to marry me. Well, that would be wonderful, bud. And if we had children, you'd be the father. Yes. The man is always the father, and the woman is always the mother. If it was any different, you'd be on people are funny.
[00:11:25] Unknown:
Don't mind him, Susan. He decided to be a big dramatic actor. Oh, a big dramatic actor. Well, I'm a dramatic actor. Yes, sir. Well, Patello, I might be able to get you a part in the new picture, the Ice Man covers. They need an actor like me to be the leading man? No. They need a drip like you to empty the pan under the icebox.
[00:11:49] Unknown:
No. There's only one thing wrong with Susan. She don't believe in give and take. What do you mean? She don't believe I've got anything to give, and she wouldn't take it anyway. You were sorry when I'm a take dramatic action. So you insist on being a dramatic actor, Yes. Well, let's see how you would play a dramatic scene with a girl. Now let's pretend that I'm the, first girl you ever met in your life. I sure start out with a dog. What kind of a girl am I? Am I pretty? Well, what difference does it make? I don't care if you're a bull legged cross eyed just as long as you're a girl. Oh, you men are all alike. Alright.
You're a you're a 23 year old girl, and you're living on the floor playing with your dog. How do you like that? I'm a girl 23 years old, and I'm playing with my feet. Oh, how about you? Now remember, you're the girl, and I'm coming into calling. Oh, here I am. Hello? Why don't you answer the door? I'm just showing you that I'm hard to get. Oh, that's dope. Well, I'm coming in anyway. Wait a minute. What are you screaming for? You're taking a bath? Yes. And I'm having dinner. You eat You eat dinner in the bathtub? Sure. Same time. I can watch my competition. You're supposed to get it. I give up. I'm through. Oh, no, Abbot. Please. Please give me one more time. Well, alright. Did I come again? I'm gonna teach you how to play a dramatic love scene with a girl. Oh, come into my arm.
No. No. Costello, stop pushing me. Do you hear? Stella, you idiot. Why did you push me out the window? I had to have but I thought I heard my husband come. We'll be back with the content and the flick of an eyelash post after a few comments on this subject. And now, ladies and gentlemen, your attention please at this phase of the exhibition, fall within the confines of these walls you're about to hear for perhaps the first time, a revolutionary new idea in motoring. Over the broad highways of this great nation, we at PDQ, which I have the honor to represent, are determined that word shall spread among the alert, the intelligence, the leaders Please move in a little closer. Of a great deal discovery in California. Not gold, not gravel, not sunshine, but and this is a historic moment, the clean windshield.
[00:14:25] Unknown:
The clean, bright, unsullied parkland windshield, courtesy of your neighborhood PDQ dealer. I tell you, friend, somewhere tonight on this broad land, the rain is falling. The mud, the dirt, the grime, the tawdry byproducts of our civilization are clouding windshields of every make and model paid for or not. Better check the oil too, Lou. And if you and you and you will join me in a vast driving unbeatable forward moving parade of determined American men and women into your neighborhood PDQ station to get your windshield right, this will be a happier world.
Abbott and Costello
[00:14:59] Unknown:
will carry Susan Miller sings the Leo Robin lyrics approved by the Hollywood Chamber of Commerce. It's June and January.
[00:15:28] Unknown:
June in January because I'm in love. It always is
[00:17:17] Unknown:
What are you doing with that old scrapbook? I'm gonna prove to you that I'm a great dramatic actor. This book is full of clippings and parts and dramatic showings. Here's one of my big successes, the man who came to dinner. What did you do with the man who came to dinner? I put the sugar in the coffee. That was a sterling performance. Oh, what other part did you play? Well, I played Napoleon. My greatest scene was when I was Napoleon, and I lost the battle of, battle of, Waterloo. No. Thanks, bud. I'm not supposed to If you're such a great actor, why aren't you in demand at the studios? I am. Universal Studios have been calling me every day.
Why did you go there? I don't like what they're calling. Now look. Because all the great actors have a sweet and tight. Why, when I kiss a girl on the stage, I kiss her half. That's the Abbott touch. Mhmm. I speak lines with my back to the audience. That's the Abbott Touch. Do you know me to notice? Why? That's the Costello Touch. Oh. I'm not studying the Costello, you should study the great actors. So do the theaters more often. I can live in night at it. I take a bag of gumdrops to sit in the balcony. Well, I take chocolate and sit in the box. Don't touch. Wash the chocolate. Never mind that cat seller. There's a lot of money in dramatic action. Do you really think you could do it? It's a cinch. 10 actors don't know what they're doing. Last night, I talked to the lorry to a scene. It went like this.
You still get the information, mister Myers? You didn't get the information, mister Myers? But you were supposed to get the information, mister Myers. There's a guy getting $3,000 a week, and he can't even get the information. Alright, Gastel. Look. I'll be a regular fellow. If you wanna be a dramatic actor, you you meet an agent. I'll take you to the best agent in town. Come on.
[00:19:09] Unknown:
Sit right down, gentlemen. Mister Whitney will be with you in a moment. Thank you. Adam,
[00:19:13] Unknown:
do you, know this guy? Is he really a good agent? Well, he carries a lot of weight. He gets he gets steamed up. He pushes his way into the studio, flattens the opposition and pays the way for you. I call that an agent. I call that a steamroller. Mister Whitney is a great agent. He he's got his foot in the door at MGM, his finger in the pie at Paramount. His ear to the ground, a big lie in the one eye on universal what? He's gonna handle me. He's gotta do one thing. What's that? Pull himself together.
[00:19:43] Unknown:
A gentleman now. Alrighty?
[00:19:47] Unknown:
I'll be with you in a moment, gentlemen. I'm talking to a client on the phone. What's that? You're tired of playing the same part all the time? But you're not a romantic lead. I'm sorry, but you have to just keep playing the same kind of part. Goodbye. Who is that trigger? Tired of playing the part of a horse. I'd drop him as a client, but he owes me $500 I loaned him for gambling. Sir, you know, horse gambles? Oh, I see him at the track every day. He bets on the jockey. I'm sorry to hear you. Counselor wants to be a dramatic actor. Counselor, have you had any acting experience? Well, once I was with a traveling troupe, a road company. Spent much time on the road. I was on a road so much I had a white line down the middle of my back.
Call them, Costello. Miss mister Whitney, could you get Costello a dramatic part in pictures? Well, let's see. They need an actor to fight Humphrey Bogart in his new picture. How much salary would you want for that, Costello? Ten thousand dollars. Uh-huh. Here's another job you'd have to hold at the stagecoach. How much would you want for that? $10,000. Here's another job you'd have to make love to Ann Sheridan. He smothers you with kisses. How much would you want for that job? Would $3 be asking too much? Marcelo, if I get you a job in pictures, you'll have to develop finesse. You'll have to act with poi.
I gotta act with boys. Certainly. Why can't I act with girls? Right. Sally, you do act with girls, but you act with boys. How can I act with girls? I'm gonna act with boys. Hello? Whenever you act with girls, they expect you to act with boys. Not the girls' title output. You you don't understand. We're talking about boys. Boys is important. Suppose you were asked to dance with a girl in a picture. You would dance with boys. Now he's got me dancing with boys. Now all fellas do not dance with boys, but they should. If they do, it'll close down the palladium. Costello, you're a little mixed up. Forget about boys. Let's put it this way. I want you to look well. Think you have an air. Wear your clothes with grace. Oh, you want me to take an an an an could I have that again? Look. He wants you to wear your clothes with grace. Now ain't that a pretty picture?
Grace and me walking down the street with my clothes. I can hardly get into the street myself. Forget about Grace. Hello. I'm concerned with your appearance. I insist that you dress Natalie. I'll be glad you. Where does Natalie live? Natalie doesn't live anywhere. Natalie is not her girl. Must be one of those boys we were talking about. Oh, listen. Listen, dummy. We're talking a lot of purest. Every actor dresses Natalie. Natalie, can you dress Natalie? Certainly. Wait till your wife finds out about this? Mister Costello, we're not discussing a woman. We're discussing clothes.
Now before I take you to the studio for a job, I want you to go to a good men's job and get some decent attire. Good. I'll go right away. And what should I get? A tire. Something to wear. A tire. You, you want me to wear a tire? Certainly. How do you like that? Now he's got me walking down the street dressed in a tire. What are you talking about, Gus Ellis? Well, I bet. I I didn't mind it when you told me that I have to dance with boys. And I did not get when you asked me where my clothes was great. And then you made me get great out of my clothes and put them on Natalie. But when you asked me to wear a tire so that I will have to go to a filling station every time I wanna get dressed, I don't like that. You have not only impute on my good name, but you have tasked consuming on the good name of the two pants suit makers of America and besmirch the dignity of the amalgamated confederation of needle workers, and you have the greatest affairs to the of Los Angeles, Kyle Spencer of The USA and the future of the Oh, hello, Kay Kaye.
I brought over my new clients. They're loaded with TNT. Who are they, DW? ANC. ANC, PU. You see, AK, Costello is anxious to play a dramatic part in pictures. Well, I'm making a picture called the life of Sydney Greenstreet. Costello, you might play the part of Sydney Greenstreet. You both have the same shape. I spoke to the week. We stayed on the phone last night long. Just Person to person? No. Stomach to stomach. No. My name is for someone. Have you ever had any experience as a screen robber? Well, in my last picture, I hugged and kissed Ingrid Bergman. She was very happy. Ingrid Bergman was not in our last picture, Lou. That's why she was so happy. Just about on the sound place, Priscilla, and I'll give you a screen text.
What's that? We are shooting a picture. I'm gonna take my brother to see that picture. Oh, but the picture won't be out for six months. Neither will my brother. How about this dream, Despacas, tell? Now if you want to make money in pictures, Costello, you've got to have polish. Every star needs polish. Our star can't get enough polish. Now do you know how to make money in pictures? Sure. Self polish to the stars. Costello, by polish, he means work. Hard work. Take Clark Gable. When he when he makes love to the the heavy Lamar, it becomes work just like selling newspaper. Any questions? I wonder if Gable will tell me his new stand. Well, we are ready for your best, doc Costello. Now remember, you are supposed to be Sydney Greenstreet.
I'll give it everything you've got. Wife. Come to my home. Alofia. At last, we are alone, Olivia. I'm over here, Olivia. Kiss me.
[00:25:45] Unknown:
Oh, you are so brave. Rest your lips to mine.
[00:25:56] Unknown:
So it's you, you're right, taking love to my girl. I've known about this all the time. But today, I set up crap too, and I left her here as a bait. I caught you. You set a trap with stuff like that. You'll text me every time. Cut. Car. Car. Now let's go to the projection room and run the time. Well, what do you think of that test, AK? Doesn't Castello remind you of Sydney Greenstreet? Nothing. What's an idea? It's wonderful. You You mean I get the job? No. Send for Sydney Greenstreet. How do I take my dear, Smarter? The life of Sydney Greenstreet is dying Sydney Greenstreet. Adam, get me out of here.
Don't go away, folks. Our cars will be back. But first, they'd like you to listen then. Let's roll out the old PDQ welcome mat for a few new typical dealers, Guys who have recently joined the PDQ team of independent dealers. There's RD and RW Hardeen down in Long Beach, MC Miller in Chino, Theodore H Smith out in Banning, Charles R Stevens in Pomona, and Irving Fontaine and Melvin Souvera up in San Jose. Then too, there's Albert j Wyatt, Santa Monica, and Richard l Bercowire of San Bernardino, all new PDQ dealers. Typical of the many, many automotive experts who are men in business for themselves. Substantial citizens of their own communities who, by their very active selecting PDQ gasoline and other PDQ products to sell when they could be selling most any brand, have put their expert stamp of approval on the quality, the reputation, and the acceptance of PDQ automotive products.
I can have you get acquainted with the PDQ dealer in your neighborhood. You will find he has a sincere interest and the know how to take much better care of your cost. And now the PDQ gas station gang, fill her up Abbott and check the oil Costello. And now here are Abbott and Costello with the final word. I'll take it, Abbott. Hello? Yes? Is that so? That's terrible. Goodbye. The Medicare fella. Oh, my cousin Peter went to the licensed bureau at City Hall for a marriage license. He got shoved into the wrong line. What happened? He is now Cocker Spaniel, one seven six five four three three. Oh, good night, folks. Good night, everybody. Don't forget to listen next Sunday morning for our new Skinny Show. Goodbye. Listen to Wednesday night at this time for another great Avenue Costello show produced and transcribed in Hollywood by Charles Vanda and featuring Susan Miller and Maddie Malnick Orchestra.
This is Michael Roy saying goodbye until this same time next Wednesday. This is ABC, the American Broadcasting Company.
