In this lively episode, Ryan brings a touch of humor and light-heartedness to the mundane aspects of daily life, like sitting in traffic or doing chores, by introducing listeners to the world of Chumba Casino. With its array of social casino-style games available for free, Chumba Casino promises to add a bit of sparkle to anyone's day. The episode takes a comedic turn with a classic firehouse skit featuring characters like Abbott and Costello, where misunderstandings and wordplay abound, creating a tapestry of laughter and chaos.
The episode continues with a series of humorous exchanges and slapstick comedy routines, including a firehouse drill gone awry, a visit from a famous actress, and a chaotic attempt to put out a fire. The comedic timing and witty banter between characters keep the energy high, as they navigate through a series of misunderstandings and playful jabs. This episode is a delightful mix of humor, nostalgia, and the unexpected, perfect for anyone looking to escape the ordinary and enjoy a good laugh.
(00:00) Introduction and Chumba Casino
(01:17) Firehouse Antics Begin
(07:20) Costello's Firehouse Mishaps
(13:03) Melonhead's Glendale Dilemma
(16:22) The Fire Rescue Mission
Listen to our radio station Old Time Radio https://link.radioking.com/otradio
Listen to other Shows at My Classic Radio https://www.myclassicradio.net/
Entertainment Radio | Broadcasting Classic Radio Shows | Patreon
Remember that times have changed, and some shows might not reflect the standards of today’s politically correct society. The shows do not necessarily reflect the views, standards, or beliefs of Entertainment Radio
[00:00:00]
Unknown:
Hello. It is Ryan, and we could all use an extra bright spot in our day, couldn't we? Just to make up for things like sitting in traffic, doing the dishes, counting your steps, you know, all the mundane stuff. That is why I'm such a big fan of Chumba Casino. Chumba Casino has all your favorite social casino style games that you can play for free anytime, anywhere with daily bonuses. That should brighten your day, Actually, a lot. So sign up now at ChumbaCasino.com. That's ChumbaCasino.com.
[00:00:31] Unknown:
No purchase necessary. DTEQ delivery. No purchase necessary. DTEQ delivery. 18 plus. Judy was boring. Hello. Then Judy discovered Chumbacasino.com.
[00:00:35] Unknown:
It's my little escape.
[00:00:37] Unknown:
Now Judy's the life of the party. Oh, baby. Mama's bringing home the bacon. Woah. Take it easy, Judy. The Chumba Life is for everybody. So go to Chumbacasino.com and play over a hundred casino style games. Join today and play for free for your chance to redeem some serious prizes. Chumbacasino.com.
[00:01:18] Unknown:
Oh, I'm a fireman brave and bold. I'm always on the alert. I put out the fires with my water pistol because I'm a little squirt. God, fellas. Do you realize that we are working in a firehouse? What's the idea of walking in here late for work? Oh, well, Evan, I couldn't help it. You remember the fire went through last night, and you told me to take pictures of burning clothing with my candid camera? Yes. Yes. What about it? Well, when when the fire truck went around the corner, I fell over backwards, and I swallowed the Canon camera. Well, why should that make you late? I had to sit up all night in a dark room and see what developed. Alright.
[00:01:52] Unknown:
Look, Crustello. There's there's going to be no nonsense around this firehouse. And for your information, I have just been appointed captain. Oh, you're the new captain. Uh-huh. Yeah. But I heard about it. I don't know what you're talking. It's a beautiful fire extinguisher, and it's guaranteed to last two hundred years. Fire extinguisher that lasts two hundred years? Mhmm. I don't expect to live that long. Well, you're going. You can take it with you.
[00:02:18] Unknown:
Hi. Hiya, captain. Never mind out.
[00:02:21] Unknown:
There you go. What kind of a fireman are you? Do you realize this week is save a life week? Oh, sure. I know it's save a life week. I did my share yesterday.
[00:02:29] Unknown:
Who did you say? I had a tape with two barrels, and I saved one for tonight.
[00:02:34] Unknown:
I thought so. You're in no condition to save anybody. Just look at your stomach. Why was the matter of my stomach? You ought to dye it. Why should I dye it? I like the color of this now.
[00:02:45] Unknown:
I'm not talking about the color. Abbott, I am very proud of my stomach. Oh, you should be. Now every day I lay out in the backyard and I let the sunshine on my stomach. What's the big idea? It always makes me feel good to see a nice pot roast.
[00:03:03] Unknown:
You ought to be ashamed of yourself. Just look at the size of me. What are you talking about? I only weigh ninety eight pounds. Ninety eight pounds? Mhmm. Why, you dummy, you're sixty inches around the waist. Yeah. But I'm hollow. Catello, I've had enough of this. If you're going to be a fireman, you're going to get busy and exercise right now. Oh, Abbot. Ma'am, come on. No more
[00:03:26] Unknown:
exercise. Yes. I'm weak now. I don't care. He looks at me, Abbot. I know. I'm so weak I can't even stand up straight. Why are you leaning to one side? I parted my hair off center, and it throws me off balance.
[00:03:41] Unknown:
Talk sense. Will you, please? Did you do as I told you? Did you get out and play handball this morning? Oh, play no. My hands were all blistered. Did you take your, 10 mile hike? No. No. My feet were all twisted. Did you go horseback riding? No.
[00:03:55] Unknown:
I couldn't find a saddle.
[00:04:00] Unknown:
Chuck, will you quit your stalling, please? You're going because you're going to do your exercises. Nevertheless, now get in there and take your clothes off and get dressed for Jim. Get dressed for Jim? Jim who? Gym Gymnasium.
[00:04:13] Unknown:
Why should I get dressed for him? I don't even know the guy.
[00:04:15] Unknown:
No. No. You dummy. I want you to go in and, in the backroom and work out. You want me to go in the backroom and work out? Certainly. How am I gonna work out if I'm in? What are you talking about? You can either stay out and work, out or you can stay in and work out. Make up your mind. Am I in or out? Yes. It doesn't make any difference. Some people don't like to work outside inside because they get all in. So they go out and work out outside. Yeah. So they won't get all in from working out inside. Now the guy has sent me inside out. Always forget forget about this exercise. I guess the only way I can build you up is with vitamins. Vitamins? Yes. For instance, b one. B one what? Just b one. Just b one? Yes.
Are you one? No.
[00:05:11] Unknown:
Then no.
[00:05:13] Unknown:
Then why should I be one? If it ain't good enough for you, it ain't good enough for me, captain. Look. Never mind that captain. Look, you idiot. I'm trying to tell you about something that's good for you. Be one. Can I tell you I don't wanna be one? I wouldn't be one if I was the only one that put be one. Now I don't want you to be one. No? No. When I say be one, I don't mean be one. I mean b one. Oh, when you say b one, you don't mean b one. You mean b one. That's right. Let me smell your breath.
[00:05:47] Unknown:
Look, Costello. Do you know anything about vitamins and calories? Oh, vitamins and calories. Sure. I know the both of those guys. Four vitamin and a cap calories. No. I'm
[00:05:56] Unknown:
talk look. I'm talking about vitamins that contain thiamine. Contain what? You know thiamine.
[00:06:07] Unknown:
Phiamin? Yeah. Oh, I know phiamin well. You do? Yeah. Simple phiamin.
[00:06:13] Unknown:
Look. Will you shut up? I'm trying to tell you what vitamins are. Vitamin's a pill. They start with the a and they go to h. That's alright with me, brother. I am. And you can still take your fire extinguisher with you. Never mind that. Will you keep still and pay attention? Didn't you ever hear, did you ever hear of the vitamin d, the sunshine vitamin? Yeah. And I take too many of those. Oh, no. No. No. No. No. You can't have too much of the sunshine vitamin. All I know is I'd like the only stomach that rises in the East and sinks in the West. Look. I don't know why I waste my time with you. Here I am trying to build you up, trying to make a great fireman out of you that someday someday people will build a statue of you and place it in the city park. They're not gonna make any statue of me, Abbot. Why not?
[00:06:58] Unknown:
I think it would be terrible to be a statue and have the birds mistake me for a tree because if they do the nest in Lincoln's vest, just think what they do to me. They lay eggs upon my chest and that would be awful, brother. When people walk by, they point at me and say, there's a woodpecker's mother. Hello? Castello's Firehouse.
[00:07:22] Unknown:
Do you have water in your pump? Yes. I do. How do you keep your socks dry?
[00:07:32] Unknown:
That's a very funny joke, and I think I'll pull it on at it. Hey, Abbott. Do you have water in your pump? No. But I've got oil in my crankcase. Now what am I gonna do with these wet socks?
[00:07:43] Unknown:
There you go with that silly silly talk. I'm through with you. Get your hat and coat and go home. Go ahead. Wait a minute, Abbott. Never mind. You can't fire me. I need this job. Every week I send my my pay envelope home to my dear old mother. I oh, well, now that's different. I didn't know that. Mhmm. Oh, I didn't know that you sent your pay envelope home to your mother every week. Week. Well, that's fine. At the end of the year, she has 52 envelopes,
[00:08:07] Unknown:
and I got all the money. That that does it. That does it. Get out. Oh, narrow wash stuff. Go ahead. Abbott, no. Get out. Please please watch out while you're walking. Don't step on Oh, please, please don't step on me. Do you hear? Don't step on me or you will squash me. Who are you? Oh, just a little firebug.
[00:08:29] Unknown:
There's a young lady in the car outside. Let's see what she wants. Hello, boy. Who? It's the famous actress, Betsy May Mucho.
[00:08:39] Unknown:
Yeah. So every sunsuit you're wearing, miss Mucho. Oh, do you like it? Oh, yeah. I made it out of a bonedonna. A bonedonna? Oh, Abby. You know what a bonedonna is? That's what a farmer wears hanging out of his pawns pocket. All the movie girls are wearing these handkerchief shorts. They're wonderful for sports and playing games. Oh, I like to play games. Last night, I played a game called Puss in the Crooner.
[00:09:05] Unknown:
You mean Puss in the Corner? No. Puss in the Crooner.
[00:09:08] Unknown:
I got up and sang like a crooner and somebody hit me in the puss.
[00:09:13] Unknown:
Look. I just stopped by to ask you if this was the right road to Hollywood.
[00:09:17] Unknown:
Yes. This is the right road to Hollywood.
[00:09:21] Unknown:
I have to hurry. I'm playing on the baseball team. I'm the carter. Carter? Yes. I think the most important one of the team is the carter. Don't you? No. I say it was either
[00:09:35] Unknown:
the peach or the short stew.
[00:09:42] Unknown:
Well, I must be on my way. Braised beans. That's rich, you know.
[00:09:50] Unknown:
Hey. Look out, Costella. Here comes your girlfriend leaning against her.
[00:09:53] Unknown:
Ah, there you are, you two ton foot chicken. I'm glad you got it out. I saw you fighting with that woman in that car. No. I wasn't, Lena. You're the only girl that ever turned my head. Yeah. I should've turned it further. I can still see your face. Please don't talk that way, Lena. Come, Lena. Come fly away with me to my little loveness. We will fly away together. Fly? With that fuselage, you couldn't even get off the runway. I'm through with you anyway. Every blonde you see, you think is pretty. I don't think every blonde I see is pretty. No. I don't, Lena. I don't think every blonde is pretty. No. Name one. Nelsonetti. Please, Lena. I'm crazy about you. Can't you see the two of us married? Yeah. I can see the man tying the knot. The preacher? No. The warden.
I hang before I marry you. Goodbye. Hey. Hello. There's a pre alarm fire. Jump on the truck. Okay, Emmett. Get everybody off to sleep. Stay, Emmett. Call that man to get out of the way. Get out of the way,
[00:11:00] Unknown:
Oh, I can't walk on the public street. It's smelling head. Get a load of this guy, Costello. Me, one of the most respected citizens in Glendale. What's the matter with Glendale? I didn't even mention Glendale. What's wrong with Glendale? Go on back to Glendale. Oh, I should go back to Glendale. Get thrown in jail for a vagrancy again. Alright. Then stay out of Glendale. Oh, I should stay away from Glendale. Want my wife to forget me, run away, and marry that shoemaker from Azusa.
[00:11:28] Unknown:
Ma, Melonhead. I don't want your wife to marry a shoemaker.
[00:11:32] Unknown:
She can run around in her bare feet. I don't want your wife to run around in her bare feet. Fine thing. You don't want people to notice that she's got nine toes on one foot.
[00:11:42] Unknown:
Nine toes? Your wife has nine toes on one foot? Go on. Start a rumor. Go ahead. Go ahead. Make me the laughing stock of Glendale. No. Look, Mel Head. You're not gonna give me any any more arguments this week now. Now just forget Glendale. Forget me. Forget everything. Oh, I should lose my memory.
[00:12:00] Unknown:
Walk around in the days like I told people should call me an imbecile. Look. I wouldn't let people call you an imbecile. Oh, you got a patent on it,
[00:12:10] Unknown:
I'm an imbecile. I'm an imbecile.
[00:12:13] Unknown:
I'm an imbecile. Go on. Brag. Well, ahead. I gotta go ahead for a fight. Will you get out of the way? Go on. Push me around. Beat me. Do me. Cross your gun. Pull me for the hold. Go on. I don't even carry a gun. Sure. A gun is too noisy. Go on. Put a knife on me. Stab me. Cut me to ribbons. I'm ready to die. I don't want you to die, madam. I hope you'll let to be a hundred and 50 years old. Oh, you want me to be an old man a hundred and 50 years old with a beard, I should tip over my beard, fall on the street, get run over by a truck, and then you'll take me to a hospital. Look. I don't wanna take you to a hospital. Oh, you want me to lay there with a gutter and bleed to death,
[00:12:48] Unknown:
Come on, Ed. I want you to be healthy so so you can go to work. Same thing. An old man, 50 years old, wants me to go to work.
[00:12:54] Unknown:
Alright. Don't go to work. Oh, I shouldn't work. I should starve to death. Will you wait a minute, please? Nobody wants you to starve to death. Cheap steak. Where'd you see steak? How do you like that? I'm a hundred and 50 years old, not a tooth in my head. He wants me to eat steak.
[00:13:08] Unknown:
Well, Hannibal, make you happy. I'll carry a run of my yard. Now he's trying to make an invalid out of me. You got me so mad now, fellas.
[00:13:16] Unknown:
I'm gonna fight you. Yeah. I'll fight you. Yeah.
[00:13:19] Unknown:
Yeah. And I'll fight you. Yeah. And I'll fight you. Oh, yeah. We did that, didn't we? Hello, Melanhed. There's only one reason why I don't poke you right in a load, and that's because I'm bigger than you. Yeah. Well, it so happens that I'm bigger than you. Well, that's a better reason.
[00:13:45] Unknown:
Hey. Hey, Costello. Mhmm. That alarm is still ringing.
[00:13:49] Unknown:
Answer the phone. Hurry up. Hello? Costello Firehouse. I sent in a fire alarm five minutes ago. This is miss Q you old lady. Who? Q U old lady. Q U old lady. Do you mind yodeling that again and I'll join you in the corner? Oh, you fool. Then the fire went through to my house right away. Why don't you call us yesterday? We were in your neighborhood. Oh, you dummy. My house was not fired yesterday. I know. But why wait till the last minute? I'm all but fools. When you can't get over here, I think we have a terrible fire. How high are the flames? 40 feet. Do they go crackle crackle crackle? Yes. Yes. They do. You got a fire alright. Oh, you you idiot. I know I have a fire. Is your furnace on? Yes. Well, turn it off. There's no use wasting cold.
Oh, would you please hurry over here? I've been putting water on the fire, but it doesn't do any good. Oh, what are you calling us for? That's all we can put on it. It. Ma'am, come on, Costello. We've gotta get to missus O'lady's house right away. Hey. Wait a minute.
[00:14:58] Unknown:
What's that? Hand me my asbestos pants. Oh, here they are. Right here. Now hand me my asbestos coat. There they are. Now hand me my asbestos coat. Alright. Here. Come on. Now I'm completely fire proof. Right. Now hand me my copy of Esquire. I I you dummy this is no time to improve your mind. Or mister O'Lady's house is on fire. Yes, sir. Fire. Fire.
[00:15:20] Unknown:
Hello? Hello? Who? The fire is way out here in Hollywood. Go back to bed. You'll never make it. Who who was that? LaGuardia. LaGuardia.
[00:15:39] Unknown:
Come on. Let's just drop that phone and and grab your helmet. Grab what? The helmet. The hat. That's what I say. Come on.
[00:15:51] Unknown:
Do you realize that missus Foley's house is on fire? Quick. Jump on the fire truck. Let's go. Okay, Evan. Get everybody off the street. They tell me, hey, Evan. Get that man out of the way. Out of the way, Oh, I can't walk on the public street. Me, one of the most respected citizens in Glendale. What's the matter with Glendale? I didn't even mention Glendale.
[00:16:09] Unknown:
Wait a minute. Didn't we just do this routine a little while ago? Oh, that's right. Excuse me. Get out of here, Will.
[00:16:17] Unknown:
Come on. Let's go, will you? Come on, Costello. Costello, what? What are you stopping here for? This isn't miss Olay's house house. I know. This is Lana Turner's house. But Lana Turner doesn't have any fire.
[00:16:32] Unknown:
Don't mind him, folks. He's getting a tinker toy for Christmas.
[00:16:38] Unknown:
You get that truck going. Alright. Turn it to this, next corner. And watch out for those people in the crosswalk. Okay. I'll stick on my hand.
[00:16:51] Unknown:
I think they'll have to get my fingernails cut.
[00:16:57] Unknown:
Hey. Costello, look at the flames. We haven't got a minute to lose. Come on. Get that ladder over there.
[00:17:03] Unknown:
Get that ladder over there. Okay. I'll open the ladder and read.
[00:17:06] Unknown:
Not ladder. Ladder. Ladder. Oh, ladder. What did you climb up on when you were a little boy? My mother's name. No. No. No. A climb up on. Yeah. Alright. Never mind. I don't wanna listen. I want that big that big long wooden ladder. Help me lift it up here. Go ahead. Get a hold of the rung. The what? The ladder rung. I didn't hear it ring. I these are all friends. Go ahead, Godzilla. Climb up that ladder. Not me, brother. Look at those flames. Now if that was Betty Greenville in there, you wouldn't let her burn up. If Betty Green was there, I burn up. Never mind. I'll go up first. You follow me. Okay. Alright. The Smoke up here is killing me. I I can hardly breathe. My my nose shut up. Your nose is what? Shut up. Why should I shut up? I only ask you a simple question.
You tell me I can hardly breathe if I swell anymore smoke.
[00:17:55] Unknown:
How will I smell? I know the answer to that one too.
[00:17:58] Unknown:
Let it out. Yeah. I'll help you up the ladder. I I'll grab you by the coat. Oh, oh, have it. You ripped my coat? What a picture I am. Never mind. I'll I'll grab you by the shirt. There goes my shirt. What a picture. Well, there's only one thing left.
[00:18:13] Unknown:
Picture section.
[00:18:15] Unknown:
Alright, Gautela. Swing it swing over here towards me. I'll grab you by the bay window. Better not. I'm ticklish. Okay. There you are. There you are now to find missus Old Lady.
[00:18:26] Unknown:
You finally got here. Do you realize that one of my rumors Kenneth Niles is trapped in that flaming bedroom? Yeah. But hear that? Come on. We gotta get Niles out of there before he scorches this commercial. I see.
[00:18:36] Unknown:
Wait, cut, fella. Gotta get Ken out of that room. Give me the s.
[00:18:41] Unknown:
Oh, Costello, you idiot. You don't have to pop that door down. It's a block. I like to do it the hard way. Hey. Here comes Niles. Take him out the door. Water.
[00:18:54] Unknown:
Water. Water. Water. Who must have water? Yeah. Niles, take a big drink. Oh, I don't wanna drink it. My hair's dry and I can't do a thing with it.
[00:19:03] Unknown:
Oh, would you idiots please do something? Look at that fire. It's burning my settee cover. Settee cover? Too bad you haven't got a pair of my
[00:19:12] Unknown:
Never mind that. Hey. Look. The flames are getting higher. We've we've gotta get out of here. Come Come on, mister Lee. I'll carry you up to speech.
[00:19:22] Unknown:
Missus Old Lady,
[00:19:24] Unknown:
we're running around the table. This is no time to play hard again. Quick, Catella. Quick, Catella. She runs that burning room after her. Nothing doing you go after her. Don't talk like a coward. Where's your manhood? My what? Call calling your manhood. Okay. Manhood.
[00:19:39] Unknown:
Oh, manhood.
[00:19:41] Unknown:
No answer.
[00:19:43] Unknown:
Wait a minute. Here here she comes again, Costello. Grab her. I got her. I got her. Oh, get a chair for missus O'Lane.
[00:19:49] Unknown:
She looks as she's going to my feet. Look at her. Go to frame. Watch out. Okay. I'll get a chair for Let her sit down. Here, missus O'Lane. Refine your carcass on this bit of drunken fight. Oh, sit down. No. Cut. That'll all get you for this? Alright.
Hello. It is Ryan, and we could all use an extra bright spot in our day, couldn't we? Just to make up for things like sitting in traffic, doing the dishes, counting your steps, you know, all the mundane stuff. That is why I'm such a big fan of Chumba Casino. Chumba Casino has all your favorite social casino style games that you can play for free anytime, anywhere with daily bonuses. That should brighten your day, Actually, a lot. So sign up now at ChumbaCasino.com. That's ChumbaCasino.com.
[00:00:31] Unknown:
No purchase necessary. DTEQ delivery. No purchase necessary. DTEQ delivery. 18 plus. Judy was boring. Hello. Then Judy discovered Chumbacasino.com.
[00:00:35] Unknown:
It's my little escape.
[00:00:37] Unknown:
Now Judy's the life of the party. Oh, baby. Mama's bringing home the bacon. Woah. Take it easy, Judy. The Chumba Life is for everybody. So go to Chumbacasino.com and play over a hundred casino style games. Join today and play for free for your chance to redeem some serious prizes. Chumbacasino.com.
[00:01:18] Unknown:
Oh, I'm a fireman brave and bold. I'm always on the alert. I put out the fires with my water pistol because I'm a little squirt. God, fellas. Do you realize that we are working in a firehouse? What's the idea of walking in here late for work? Oh, well, Evan, I couldn't help it. You remember the fire went through last night, and you told me to take pictures of burning clothing with my candid camera? Yes. Yes. What about it? Well, when when the fire truck went around the corner, I fell over backwards, and I swallowed the Canon camera. Well, why should that make you late? I had to sit up all night in a dark room and see what developed. Alright.
[00:01:52] Unknown:
Look, Crustello. There's there's going to be no nonsense around this firehouse. And for your information, I have just been appointed captain. Oh, you're the new captain. Uh-huh. Yeah. But I heard about it. I don't know what you're talking. It's a beautiful fire extinguisher, and it's guaranteed to last two hundred years. Fire extinguisher that lasts two hundred years? Mhmm. I don't expect to live that long. Well, you're going. You can take it with you.
[00:02:18] Unknown:
Hi. Hiya, captain. Never mind out.
[00:02:21] Unknown:
There you go. What kind of a fireman are you? Do you realize this week is save a life week? Oh, sure. I know it's save a life week. I did my share yesterday.
[00:02:29] Unknown:
Who did you say? I had a tape with two barrels, and I saved one for tonight.
[00:02:34] Unknown:
I thought so. You're in no condition to save anybody. Just look at your stomach. Why was the matter of my stomach? You ought to dye it. Why should I dye it? I like the color of this now.
[00:02:45] Unknown:
I'm not talking about the color. Abbott, I am very proud of my stomach. Oh, you should be. Now every day I lay out in the backyard and I let the sunshine on my stomach. What's the big idea? It always makes me feel good to see a nice pot roast.
[00:03:03] Unknown:
You ought to be ashamed of yourself. Just look at the size of me. What are you talking about? I only weigh ninety eight pounds. Ninety eight pounds? Mhmm. Why, you dummy, you're sixty inches around the waist. Yeah. But I'm hollow. Catello, I've had enough of this. If you're going to be a fireman, you're going to get busy and exercise right now. Oh, Abbot. Ma'am, come on. No more
[00:03:26] Unknown:
exercise. Yes. I'm weak now. I don't care. He looks at me, Abbot. I know. I'm so weak I can't even stand up straight. Why are you leaning to one side? I parted my hair off center, and it throws me off balance.
[00:03:41] Unknown:
Talk sense. Will you, please? Did you do as I told you? Did you get out and play handball this morning? Oh, play no. My hands were all blistered. Did you take your, 10 mile hike? No. No. My feet were all twisted. Did you go horseback riding? No.
[00:03:55] Unknown:
I couldn't find a saddle.
[00:04:00] Unknown:
Chuck, will you quit your stalling, please? You're going because you're going to do your exercises. Nevertheless, now get in there and take your clothes off and get dressed for Jim. Get dressed for Jim? Jim who? Gym Gymnasium.
[00:04:13] Unknown:
Why should I get dressed for him? I don't even know the guy.
[00:04:15] Unknown:
No. No. You dummy. I want you to go in and, in the backroom and work out. You want me to go in the backroom and work out? Certainly. How am I gonna work out if I'm in? What are you talking about? You can either stay out and work, out or you can stay in and work out. Make up your mind. Am I in or out? Yes. It doesn't make any difference. Some people don't like to work outside inside because they get all in. So they go out and work out outside. Yeah. So they won't get all in from working out inside. Now the guy has sent me inside out. Always forget forget about this exercise. I guess the only way I can build you up is with vitamins. Vitamins? Yes. For instance, b one. B one what? Just b one. Just b one? Yes.
Are you one? No.
[00:05:11] Unknown:
Then no.
[00:05:13] Unknown:
Then why should I be one? If it ain't good enough for you, it ain't good enough for me, captain. Look. Never mind that captain. Look, you idiot. I'm trying to tell you about something that's good for you. Be one. Can I tell you I don't wanna be one? I wouldn't be one if I was the only one that put be one. Now I don't want you to be one. No? No. When I say be one, I don't mean be one. I mean b one. Oh, when you say b one, you don't mean b one. You mean b one. That's right. Let me smell your breath.
[00:05:47] Unknown:
Look, Costello. Do you know anything about vitamins and calories? Oh, vitamins and calories. Sure. I know the both of those guys. Four vitamin and a cap calories. No. I'm
[00:05:56] Unknown:
talk look. I'm talking about vitamins that contain thiamine. Contain what? You know thiamine.
[00:06:07] Unknown:
Phiamin? Yeah. Oh, I know phiamin well. You do? Yeah. Simple phiamin.
[00:06:13] Unknown:
Look. Will you shut up? I'm trying to tell you what vitamins are. Vitamin's a pill. They start with the a and they go to h. That's alright with me, brother. I am. And you can still take your fire extinguisher with you. Never mind that. Will you keep still and pay attention? Didn't you ever hear, did you ever hear of the vitamin d, the sunshine vitamin? Yeah. And I take too many of those. Oh, no. No. No. No. No. You can't have too much of the sunshine vitamin. All I know is I'd like the only stomach that rises in the East and sinks in the West. Look. I don't know why I waste my time with you. Here I am trying to build you up, trying to make a great fireman out of you that someday someday people will build a statue of you and place it in the city park. They're not gonna make any statue of me, Abbot. Why not?
[00:06:58] Unknown:
I think it would be terrible to be a statue and have the birds mistake me for a tree because if they do the nest in Lincoln's vest, just think what they do to me. They lay eggs upon my chest and that would be awful, brother. When people walk by, they point at me and say, there's a woodpecker's mother. Hello? Castello's Firehouse.
[00:07:22] Unknown:
Do you have water in your pump? Yes. I do. How do you keep your socks dry?
[00:07:32] Unknown:
That's a very funny joke, and I think I'll pull it on at it. Hey, Abbott. Do you have water in your pump? No. But I've got oil in my crankcase. Now what am I gonna do with these wet socks?
[00:07:43] Unknown:
There you go with that silly silly talk. I'm through with you. Get your hat and coat and go home. Go ahead. Wait a minute, Abbott. Never mind. You can't fire me. I need this job. Every week I send my my pay envelope home to my dear old mother. I oh, well, now that's different. I didn't know that. Mhmm. Oh, I didn't know that you sent your pay envelope home to your mother every week. Week. Well, that's fine. At the end of the year, she has 52 envelopes,
[00:08:07] Unknown:
and I got all the money. That that does it. That does it. Get out. Oh, narrow wash stuff. Go ahead. Abbott, no. Get out. Please please watch out while you're walking. Don't step on Oh, please, please don't step on me. Do you hear? Don't step on me or you will squash me. Who are you? Oh, just a little firebug.
[00:08:29] Unknown:
There's a young lady in the car outside. Let's see what she wants. Hello, boy. Who? It's the famous actress, Betsy May Mucho.
[00:08:39] Unknown:
Yeah. So every sunsuit you're wearing, miss Mucho. Oh, do you like it? Oh, yeah. I made it out of a bonedonna. A bonedonna? Oh, Abby. You know what a bonedonna is? That's what a farmer wears hanging out of his pawns pocket. All the movie girls are wearing these handkerchief shorts. They're wonderful for sports and playing games. Oh, I like to play games. Last night, I played a game called Puss in the Crooner.
[00:09:05] Unknown:
You mean Puss in the Corner? No. Puss in the Crooner.
[00:09:08] Unknown:
I got up and sang like a crooner and somebody hit me in the puss.
[00:09:13] Unknown:
Look. I just stopped by to ask you if this was the right road to Hollywood.
[00:09:17] Unknown:
Yes. This is the right road to Hollywood.
[00:09:21] Unknown:
I have to hurry. I'm playing on the baseball team. I'm the carter. Carter? Yes. I think the most important one of the team is the carter. Don't you? No. I say it was either
[00:09:35] Unknown:
the peach or the short stew.
[00:09:42] Unknown:
Well, I must be on my way. Braised beans. That's rich, you know.
[00:09:50] Unknown:
Hey. Look out, Costella. Here comes your girlfriend leaning against her.
[00:09:53] Unknown:
Ah, there you are, you two ton foot chicken. I'm glad you got it out. I saw you fighting with that woman in that car. No. I wasn't, Lena. You're the only girl that ever turned my head. Yeah. I should've turned it further. I can still see your face. Please don't talk that way, Lena. Come, Lena. Come fly away with me to my little loveness. We will fly away together. Fly? With that fuselage, you couldn't even get off the runway. I'm through with you anyway. Every blonde you see, you think is pretty. I don't think every blonde I see is pretty. No. I don't, Lena. I don't think every blonde is pretty. No. Name one. Nelsonetti. Please, Lena. I'm crazy about you. Can't you see the two of us married? Yeah. I can see the man tying the knot. The preacher? No. The warden.
I hang before I marry you. Goodbye. Hey. Hello. There's a pre alarm fire. Jump on the truck. Okay, Emmett. Get everybody off to sleep. Stay, Emmett. Call that man to get out of the way. Get out of the way,
[00:11:00] Unknown:
Oh, I can't walk on the public street. It's smelling head. Get a load of this guy, Costello. Me, one of the most respected citizens in Glendale. What's the matter with Glendale? I didn't even mention Glendale. What's wrong with Glendale? Go on back to Glendale. Oh, I should go back to Glendale. Get thrown in jail for a vagrancy again. Alright. Then stay out of Glendale. Oh, I should stay away from Glendale. Want my wife to forget me, run away, and marry that shoemaker from Azusa.
[00:11:28] Unknown:
Ma, Melonhead. I don't want your wife to marry a shoemaker.
[00:11:32] Unknown:
She can run around in her bare feet. I don't want your wife to run around in her bare feet. Fine thing. You don't want people to notice that she's got nine toes on one foot.
[00:11:42] Unknown:
Nine toes? Your wife has nine toes on one foot? Go on. Start a rumor. Go ahead. Go ahead. Make me the laughing stock of Glendale. No. Look, Mel Head. You're not gonna give me any any more arguments this week now. Now just forget Glendale. Forget me. Forget everything. Oh, I should lose my memory.
[00:12:00] Unknown:
Walk around in the days like I told people should call me an imbecile. Look. I wouldn't let people call you an imbecile. Oh, you got a patent on it,
[00:12:10] Unknown:
I'm an imbecile. I'm an imbecile.
[00:12:13] Unknown:
I'm an imbecile. Go on. Brag. Well, ahead. I gotta go ahead for a fight. Will you get out of the way? Go on. Push me around. Beat me. Do me. Cross your gun. Pull me for the hold. Go on. I don't even carry a gun. Sure. A gun is too noisy. Go on. Put a knife on me. Stab me. Cut me to ribbons. I'm ready to die. I don't want you to die, madam. I hope you'll let to be a hundred and 50 years old. Oh, you want me to be an old man a hundred and 50 years old with a beard, I should tip over my beard, fall on the street, get run over by a truck, and then you'll take me to a hospital. Look. I don't wanna take you to a hospital. Oh, you want me to lay there with a gutter and bleed to death,
[00:12:48] Unknown:
Come on, Ed. I want you to be healthy so so you can go to work. Same thing. An old man, 50 years old, wants me to go to work.
[00:12:54] Unknown:
Alright. Don't go to work. Oh, I shouldn't work. I should starve to death. Will you wait a minute, please? Nobody wants you to starve to death. Cheap steak. Where'd you see steak? How do you like that? I'm a hundred and 50 years old, not a tooth in my head. He wants me to eat steak.
[00:13:08] Unknown:
Well, Hannibal, make you happy. I'll carry a run of my yard. Now he's trying to make an invalid out of me. You got me so mad now, fellas.
[00:13:16] Unknown:
I'm gonna fight you. Yeah. I'll fight you. Yeah.
[00:13:19] Unknown:
Yeah. And I'll fight you. Yeah. And I'll fight you. Oh, yeah. We did that, didn't we? Hello, Melanhed. There's only one reason why I don't poke you right in a load, and that's because I'm bigger than you. Yeah. Well, it so happens that I'm bigger than you. Well, that's a better reason.
[00:13:45] Unknown:
Hey. Hey, Costello. Mhmm. That alarm is still ringing.
[00:13:49] Unknown:
Answer the phone. Hurry up. Hello? Costello Firehouse. I sent in a fire alarm five minutes ago. This is miss Q you old lady. Who? Q U old lady. Q U old lady. Do you mind yodeling that again and I'll join you in the corner? Oh, you fool. Then the fire went through to my house right away. Why don't you call us yesterday? We were in your neighborhood. Oh, you dummy. My house was not fired yesterday. I know. But why wait till the last minute? I'm all but fools. When you can't get over here, I think we have a terrible fire. How high are the flames? 40 feet. Do they go crackle crackle crackle? Yes. Yes. They do. You got a fire alright. Oh, you you idiot. I know I have a fire. Is your furnace on? Yes. Well, turn it off. There's no use wasting cold.
Oh, would you please hurry over here? I've been putting water on the fire, but it doesn't do any good. Oh, what are you calling us for? That's all we can put on it. It. Ma'am, come on, Costello. We've gotta get to missus O'lady's house right away. Hey. Wait a minute.
[00:14:58] Unknown:
What's that? Hand me my asbestos pants. Oh, here they are. Right here. Now hand me my asbestos coat. There they are. Now hand me my asbestos coat. Alright. Here. Come on. Now I'm completely fire proof. Right. Now hand me my copy of Esquire. I I you dummy this is no time to improve your mind. Or mister O'Lady's house is on fire. Yes, sir. Fire. Fire.
[00:15:20] Unknown:
Hello? Hello? Who? The fire is way out here in Hollywood. Go back to bed. You'll never make it. Who who was that? LaGuardia. LaGuardia.
[00:15:39] Unknown:
Come on. Let's just drop that phone and and grab your helmet. Grab what? The helmet. The hat. That's what I say. Come on.
[00:15:51] Unknown:
Do you realize that missus Foley's house is on fire? Quick. Jump on the fire truck. Let's go. Okay, Evan. Get everybody off the street. They tell me, hey, Evan. Get that man out of the way. Out of the way, Oh, I can't walk on the public street. Me, one of the most respected citizens in Glendale. What's the matter with Glendale? I didn't even mention Glendale.
[00:16:09] Unknown:
Wait a minute. Didn't we just do this routine a little while ago? Oh, that's right. Excuse me. Get out of here, Will.
[00:16:17] Unknown:
Come on. Let's go, will you? Come on, Costello. Costello, what? What are you stopping here for? This isn't miss Olay's house house. I know. This is Lana Turner's house. But Lana Turner doesn't have any fire.
[00:16:32] Unknown:
Don't mind him, folks. He's getting a tinker toy for Christmas.
[00:16:38] Unknown:
You get that truck going. Alright. Turn it to this, next corner. And watch out for those people in the crosswalk. Okay. I'll stick on my hand.
[00:16:51] Unknown:
I think they'll have to get my fingernails cut.
[00:16:57] Unknown:
Hey. Costello, look at the flames. We haven't got a minute to lose. Come on. Get that ladder over there.
[00:17:03] Unknown:
Get that ladder over there. Okay. I'll open the ladder and read.
[00:17:06] Unknown:
Not ladder. Ladder. Ladder. Oh, ladder. What did you climb up on when you were a little boy? My mother's name. No. No. No. A climb up on. Yeah. Alright. Never mind. I don't wanna listen. I want that big that big long wooden ladder. Help me lift it up here. Go ahead. Get a hold of the rung. The what? The ladder rung. I didn't hear it ring. I these are all friends. Go ahead, Godzilla. Climb up that ladder. Not me, brother. Look at those flames. Now if that was Betty Greenville in there, you wouldn't let her burn up. If Betty Green was there, I burn up. Never mind. I'll go up first. You follow me. Okay. Alright. The Smoke up here is killing me. I I can hardly breathe. My my nose shut up. Your nose is what? Shut up. Why should I shut up? I only ask you a simple question.
You tell me I can hardly breathe if I swell anymore smoke.
[00:17:55] Unknown:
How will I smell? I know the answer to that one too.
[00:17:58] Unknown:
Let it out. Yeah. I'll help you up the ladder. I I'll grab you by the coat. Oh, oh, have it. You ripped my coat? What a picture I am. Never mind. I'll I'll grab you by the shirt. There goes my shirt. What a picture. Well, there's only one thing left.
[00:18:13] Unknown:
Picture section.
[00:18:15] Unknown:
Alright, Gautela. Swing it swing over here towards me. I'll grab you by the bay window. Better not. I'm ticklish. Okay. There you are. There you are now to find missus Old Lady.
[00:18:26] Unknown:
You finally got here. Do you realize that one of my rumors Kenneth Niles is trapped in that flaming bedroom? Yeah. But hear that? Come on. We gotta get Niles out of there before he scorches this commercial. I see.
[00:18:36] Unknown:
Wait, cut, fella. Gotta get Ken out of that room. Give me the s.
[00:18:41] Unknown:
Oh, Costello, you idiot. You don't have to pop that door down. It's a block. I like to do it the hard way. Hey. Here comes Niles. Take him out the door. Water.
[00:18:54] Unknown:
Water. Water. Water. Who must have water? Yeah. Niles, take a big drink. Oh, I don't wanna drink it. My hair's dry and I can't do a thing with it.
[00:19:03] Unknown:
Oh, would you idiots please do something? Look at that fire. It's burning my settee cover. Settee cover? Too bad you haven't got a pair of my
[00:19:12] Unknown:
Never mind that. Hey. Look. The flames are getting higher. We've we've gotta get out of here. Come Come on, mister Lee. I'll carry you up to speech.
[00:19:22] Unknown:
Missus Old Lady,
[00:19:24] Unknown:
we're running around the table. This is no time to play hard again. Quick, Catella. Quick, Catella. She runs that burning room after her. Nothing doing you go after her. Don't talk like a coward. Where's your manhood? My what? Call calling your manhood. Okay. Manhood.
[00:19:39] Unknown:
Oh, manhood.
[00:19:41] Unknown:
No answer.
[00:19:43] Unknown:
Wait a minute. Here here she comes again, Costello. Grab her. I got her. I got her. Oh, get a chair for missus O'Lane.
[00:19:49] Unknown:
She looks as she's going to my feet. Look at her. Go to frame. Watch out. Okay. I'll get a chair for Let her sit down. Here, missus O'Lane. Refine your carcass on this bit of drunken fight. Oh, sit down. No. Cut. That'll all get you for this? Alright.
