In this episode, we dive into a classic Abbott and Costello radio show, filled with their signature comedic banter and slapstick humor. The episode features a hilarious exchange between Bud Abbott and Lou Costello, as they navigate through a series of misunderstandings and comedic situations. Costello's antics, including his attempts to impress a girl named Lena by promising her a starring role in Hollywood, lead to a series of laugh-out-loud moments. The duo's chemistry shines through as they engage in witty repartees and absurd scenarios, showcasing why they remain iconic figures in comedy.
Listeners are treated to a nostalgic journey back to the golden age of radio, complete with musical interludes and classic advertisements that capture the era's charm. The episode also includes a heartfelt dedication to a young fan, highlighting the personal connection Abbott and Costello maintained with their audience. This blend of humor, nostalgia, and warmth makes for an entertaining and memorable listening experience.
(00:28) Winning Moves and Chumba Casino
(01:15) Abbott and Costello's New Season
(03:44) Costello's New York Adventure
(07:06) Camel Cigarettes and Experience
(10:00) Costello's Romantic Mishap
(13:02) Professor Melonhead's Advice
(15:31) Connie Haines Sings 'I'll Fight That Dream'
(18:21) The Value of Experience
(20:00) Lena Genster's Arrival
(22:38) Universal Studios and Gumdrops
(25:56) Mr. Ratbiscuit's Audition
(28:26) Closing and Dedication to Johnny Stack
Listen to our radio station Old Time Radio https://link.radioking.com/otradio
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Entertainment Radio | Broadcasting Classic Radio Shows | Patreon
Remember that times have changed, and some shows might not reflect the standards of today’s politically correct society. The shows do not necessarily reflect the views, standards, or beliefs of Entertainment Radio
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Unknown:
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C a f e l s The Abbott and Costello program starring but Abbott and Lou Costello brought to you by Camel, the cigarette of costlier properly aged tobacco. The Adventist Gastello program with a modern rhythm of Will Las Bernadette's orchestra, the swingy singing of Connie Haines, and spotlighting that cheeky, chubby little mischief maker who when caught red handed cutting the carters off his Aunt Minnie's girdle to make himself a slingshot, calmly said,
[00:01:58] Unknown:
I'll say you're a bad boy, Costello. What's the idea of coming here late? The first broadcast of our new season. You're supposed to make a speech of welcome to our listeners. By the way, do you know how to make a speech? Oh, sure. I don't, Expedia. Oh, you do? Sure. Watch me. Go ahead. Ladies and gentlemen. Oh, Costello. They know they're ladies and gentlemen. I know, but it's nice to remind them of it every once in a while. Never mind. Go ahead with your speech. Oh, yeah. Yes. Alright. Now just listen to this. Alright. Let me hear it. Yeah. Yeah. Go ahead. Alright. It's easy. I'm lost in this beginning of the season. All right. Never mind. Folks, we're back again and we're going to be on the air every day tonight for a whole year. Oh, no. No. Not that. Oh, no. I think we just lost a listener.
Alright. Never mind that, Costello. Why weren't you here for rehearsal this afternoon? Where were you? You? Oh, I haven't my family gave me a welcome home party this afternoon. They did? Hey. Did we have fun? My uncle Artie Stubbs, he drank two cups of tea and passed out cold. Now that's ridiculous. How could a man pass out from drinking two cups of tea? This was DTT.
[00:03:05] Unknown:
You you dummy DTT
[00:03:07] Unknown:
is not a beverage. It's made strictly for vermin. That's right. We made it out for everybody, men, vermin, and children. Never mind about that. You should you know, you
[00:03:19] Unknown:
You know,
[00:03:21] Unknown:
you should be very proud of the way your friends welcomed you back from your vacation move. I saw big signs all over your neighborhood. Oh, sure. Welcome home, our hero, Lou Costello. We love you, Lou Costello.
[00:03:32] Unknown:
America's ace of the airways, Luca Stello. Yeah. But Abbott. What's up? Oh, but those signs embarrass me terribly. Why should those signs embarrass you? They call me nailing them up. Oh, come on. You're not impossible. Never mind that. Look. Tell me about your trip back east. How how did you like New York? Oh, Havoc, New York's a wonderful place. And things like that. People there are so friendly. They are. The minute you get off the train, they grab you and they smother you with kisses. They do? Yeah. Then they take you for a ride in a taxi. They hug and they kiss you. And then they take you out for dinner and they buy you champagne. And then they take you for a moonlight ride in Central Park, and then they hug you and they kiss you some more. And then they send you home with a five pound box of chocolate. Costello,
[00:04:10] Unknown:
did all this happen to you? No. To my sister.
[00:04:17] Unknown:
I'm talking about you. What did you do in New York? Oh, Abbot, I met the most beautiful wave. We went together for thirteen weeks. You went you went with this wave for thirteen weeks? Yeah. We just finished basic training. Oh, come on. That's silly. The next time I see you, we're going on maneuvers.
[00:04:33] Unknown:
We talk sense, Costello. Look. What does this girl do in the Navy? Is she, petty officer? What kind of officer? Petty. Petty? Oh, sure. She petties all the time. And she likes the neck too.
[00:04:44] Unknown:
I know. I'm crazy about that girl. I can imagine. She's so sweet and delicate, touching. A delicate ass. Everything I thought of was so dainty. Yeah. What's her name? Lena. Lena. Lena Genster. Lena Genster. Is she a nice girl? Is she a nice girl who did you meet her family? Oh, sure. And what a family. How far I am, what? I have 37 children. 37 children. They they must live on the other side of the tracks. With 37 children, they gotta live on both sides of the tracks. Well, never mind about her family. Is Lena a pretty girl? Pretty? Mhmm. Abbott. Do you know how Veronica Lake's cute little nose comes right to a point? Yes. Lena's head does the same thing.
[00:05:22] Unknown:
What a call about a figure. Is she, silk like? What? Is she silk like? Does she have a silk like figure? If she does, she keeps she keeps it to herself.
[00:05:31] Unknown:
No. No. No. No. No. No. You w by silk like, I mean, chic. Is is Lina chic? No. She ain't been chic since she had the mumps. Stop. Mister, nice.
[00:05:40] Unknown:
Chic has nothing to do with, with her mumps. Chic means,
[00:05:43] Unknown:
smell. Now is Lina a shick and smell? Oh, yeah. When Lina had the mums, she was very sick and her face smelled vey up. Her mother rubbed a jar of shab on her push and the smelting vent of air. What have we got? Swedish rider I don't know. Okay, miss Hill. Listen to me here, miss Hill. I only wanna find out your girl friend, Lina, what she looks like. Is she pert? She what? Pert. Pert. Would you say she was pert? Certainly she's pert. She's pert Irish and pert Eskimo. No. No. You're not. I'm not talking about her background. I want to know if Lina is pert or appealing. Oh, sure. One time she got sunburned, and a part of her background was appealing. No. No. No. No. No. Pastor.
[00:06:27] Unknown:
I really ask you if your girlfriend, Lina, is sick. When I say sick, I'm not referring to our hell. Sick means prirt. Therefore, a girl can be prirt
[00:06:37] Unknown:
and a pert girl can be spelt and a spelt girl can be appealing. Oh, when you say a girl is shit, you're not referring to her hell. Shit means pert and a girl who is sick and pert is appealing. And most girls who are appealing are referred to as spelt. Therefore, a shit girl can be pert and a pert girl can be spelt and a spelt girl can be appealing. Now you've got it. Now I don't even know what I'm talking about. Get him out of here.
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Gentlemen, a masterpiece of the ridiculous. And, may I make a quick jump from the ridiculous to the sublime, from the clowning to the classics and quote a wise man named Esau who declared some three thousand years ago,
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experience is the best
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teacher. And true today, what we learn by experience means the most and most civilians have learned a lot lately. For when the dealer said, sorry, no camels today because with camels it was the service first. Well, they just had to smoke what they could get. You smoked more different brands during the cigarette shortage than you'd ordinarily try in a lifetime and you learn by experience that nothing takes the place of camels, costly tobaccos, properly aged and blended.
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Experience
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is the best teacher. And experience has taught millions of smokers to say,
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c a f e l f. Camels.
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Today, more people want camels than ever before in the history of this famous brand. And now here's Will Osborn at the orchestra with one of your favorite favorites, the Adjacent, Topeka, and Santa
[00:08:24] Unknown:
Fe.
[00:09:59] Unknown:
Alright. Look. Cut that out, cuss. Will you please don't mind that thing? Will you look. Will you forget about your girl, Lena? You're you're here and she's in the yard. I'll never forget Lena. Do Do you remember the last night her and I was together? I bought a great big bag of gumdrops. Red ones for Lena and black ones for me. Red gumdrops for Lena and black ones for you? Yeah. We just had on a bench in the park eating them gumdrops. Then it got dark and I lit a lantern. You jerk. You mean you were sitting on a bench with a beautiful girl at night and you little lantern? Yeah. Why? It was so dark. I couldn't tell the red gumdrops from the black ones.
[00:10:34] Unknown:
Costello, Is that somebody at the door? I didn't hear anything.
[00:10:39] Unknown:
I beg your pardon, gentlemen. I'm looking for mister Av mister Av for mister Ava. Mister Abbott? No. I'm Lou Costello. What do you want? Well, I got a telegram for you, and it's from Chicago. It's Chicago. It's from Chicago. Chicago? Brooklyn. Uh-huh.
[00:10:58] Unknown:
Where did they take this tick up?
[00:11:02] Unknown:
Here, boy, give me that telegram, please.
[00:11:04] Unknown:
Costello? Yes. The boy has his hand out. What do you want me to do, read his palm? No, no, no.
[00:11:10] Unknown:
He's waiting for you to lay a little, gratuity in his hand. Lay a gratuity? Yes. If you'll settle for an egg, I think I can make it.
[00:11:19] Unknown:
Oh, that's all right. My company won't allow me to accept tips.
[00:11:23] Unknown:
Money? No tips.
[00:11:31] Unknown:
You see, the Telegraph Company pays me very well as of his. I only been working for him for twenty years and yesterday they raised me. They raised you? Sure. They raised my bicycle seat up six inches.
[00:11:45] Unknown:
I think he's just got a flat, that guy. You know, the only reason we keep that guy on a show is because he knows where to get bacon. Oh, never mind. Yeah. Give me that telegram. Give me that telegram, Costell. I'll read it. Let's see. Have been have been discharged from the waves. And then am on my way to Hollywood to accept the starring role that you promised me at Universal Studios. Sign. Lita Gensler. Costello.
[00:12:07] Unknown:
Costello,
[00:12:09] Unknown:
look at me. Did you promise that little girl that you would make her a star in pictures?
[00:12:14] Unknown:
Happened. I had to. You had to. That's the only manly thing to do. It all happened tonight. I bought in a bag of gumdrops. It was so romantic. Every time we reach for a gumdrop, our fingers will bleed inside the sack. Then, quite by accident, I kissed her. Oh, how did you kiss her by accident? We were both chewing on the same gumdrop, and I ate half my half.
[00:12:36] Unknown:
You imbecile, you didn't have to promise her a starring plot in pictures just because you kissed her. That's not all I said. What?
[00:12:43] Unknown:
I as I was pulling away, the gumdrop snapped and bent her pivot tooth. Well,
[00:12:48] Unknown:
you're certainly in a mess, Costello. How are you going to get an unknown girl a starring plot in pictures? But I thought maybe you could help me. I can help you. I can wait a minute. Hey. Wait a minute. There's a man here tonight who happens to be the world's greatest motion picture producer. Good evening, gentlemen. I am professor Melon Head. Melon Head. Melon Head? He had a yellow vest skull. His head was more like a
[00:13:10] Unknown:
Melon Head? Hey, Abigail over that skull. This head looks more like Nagasaki after it was hit by the atomic bomb.
[00:13:17] Unknown:
Young man, don't you stop at my cranium. I'll have you know there's plenty inside of my head. There should be. There's nothing on the outside.
[00:13:24] Unknown:
Well, head, I know how you can make a lot of money. Rent your head out as a skating rink for flight. So now now, Cristello,
[00:13:30] Unknown:
suppose my head is round and shiny. Surely you've seen things like this before. Yeah. But they all had handles on it. Quiet, constell. Please. Hey, professor. Do you think you could advise Costello how to get this girl a starring role in pictures? Certainly. Yeah. But now, Costello, first, I'll have to know something about your girl. Is she photogenic? No. She's part Irish and part Eskimo. Oh, of course. I think she's chic. Now I'm not speaking of her extraction. I'm merely inquiring about her physiognomy. Her what? Her physiognomy. Does she have a smooth physiognomy?
[00:13:58] Unknown:
Gentlemen, don't discuss those things outside a barroom.
[00:14:04] Unknown:
Lou Costello, you haven't got the brains of a two year old child. I know. But look at the difference in our ages. Oh, no.
[00:14:11] Unknown:
Please, gentlemen. Gentlemen, we're getting no place. Costello's girl is on her way here, and and he made her a promise to star her in pictures. Now we've got to do something about that. Very well, Costello. I will personally groom your girl for a screen test. Miller head. Just what do you intend to do? Well, first, I will instill her with supreme confidence. I will enhance her histrionic proclivity. I will retard her basic timidity,
[00:14:31] Unknown:
cram her repertoire with simulating soliloquism. Then with dynamic exuberance, I will embellish her cinematic latitude.
[00:14:46] Unknown:
You wouldn't dare. You haven't got the nerve.
[00:14:50] Unknown:
No nonsense. Costello, I've never been so humiliated in my life. I'm ashamed to have people see me walk out of here after conversing with an ember so like you. Mister Rabbit, isn't there some way I can sneak out of here without being seen? Look, Melanhed, if that's the way you feel about it, you can go out this window and down our fire escape. Thank you. Open the window.
[00:15:08] Unknown:
Good night, gentlemen. Costello, what was that? It just dawned on me. We ain't got no fire escape.
[00:15:31] Unknown:
Lovely Connie Haines is back with us again this year, and we know that's a real treat for our Camel audience. Connie sings, I'll fight that dream. Imagine
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me with my head on your shoulder And you with your zip getting bolder. A sky full of moon and a sweet mellow tune
[00:16:07] Unknown:
of that dream.
[00:16:12] Unknown:
Imagine me in a gown, white and and those last minute jokes are by that dream. The honeymoon in Cairo, in a brand new water gyro, then home by rocket in a winged ring.
[00:16:54] Unknown:
We'll settle down in Dallas in a little plastic collar.
[00:17:03] Unknown:
It's not as crazy as you think. Imagine me on a
[00:17:13] Unknown:
fir on a fir on a fir
[00:17:17] Unknown:
street with someone like you in the nursery. It doesn't sound bad, but if it can be
[00:17:58] Unknown:
lovely. And that song is heard round the world for this program and sent overseas to our servicemen. And I can just picture two such servicemen on their way to that magic place called home. They've been everywhere, seen everything and now they're seeing the Statue Of Liberty and the skyline they haven't seen in years. Boy, does that look good. Gosh, you never know how much you've missed something until you've had to do without it. Yes, it takes the experience of doing without to make us really appreciate things we're apt to take for granted. Proving again that experience is the best teacher.
Not only in the big things but in little things too. Cigarettes for instance. Most of us today have had more experience with smoking different brands than we'd usually have in a lifetime. During the shortage we had to smoke whatever we could get and although production was at an all time high, the volume of demand for them made them seem to be the scarcest of the scarce. And did experience teach us that there's simply no substitute for camels, costlier tobaccos and proper aging? It certainly did. For today, more people want camels than ever before in the history of the brand. Yes. As old Esopp said,
[00:19:09] Unknown:
experience is the best teacher. See, a,
[00:19:13] Unknown:
a, a, l, f. Camels, the cigarette of costlier tobacco.
[00:19:23] Unknown:
Alright. Alright. Stand aside, boy, and let me in. One side or I'll open your head. Oh, shh. In a please, madam. Quiet. The Abbott and Costello Show is on the air in the studio. You must be absolutely quiet. Not a sound. You're not even supposed to breathe while they're on the air. Don't tell me they're that bad.
[00:19:41] Unknown:
Well, I'm going in. Step aside, hack rack hack before it hangs up on your hook.
[00:19:46] Unknown:
You're not getting past me, madam. I am the head usher.
[00:19:50] Unknown:
Oh, yeah?
[00:19:55] Unknown:
Well,
[00:19:58] Unknown:
pick up your head, Usher.
[00:20:01] Unknown:
What's going on here? Wait a minute. What is all this commotion, madam? Boy, I'm looking for the owner of the NBC network, mister Lou Costello.
[00:20:09] Unknown:
Just tell him. You may tell him that Lena Genster is here. Uh-oh.
[00:20:19] Unknown:
Wait here just just a minute, miss Genster. Don't don't go away with me. Just a minute. I'll be right back. I'll be right back. Stella. Stella. What? Stella. Yeah? Who do you think is here? Who? It's Lena Ginster. Oh, god. That's What? Yeah. Well
[00:20:38] Unknown:
Lena Ginster. You don't get it. What? I'm in the window. I'm going down the fire escape. Costello, we have no fire escape. I'll make one. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No No. That was the night we made fudge.
[00:21:01] Unknown:
You tell her, you idiot. First, you told her you'd star in pictures. Then you told her you owned an n NBC network.
[00:21:08] Unknown:
I, hope you didn't tell her you were the mayor of Los Angeles. Abbot, you know I wouldn't do that. I'm not that dumb. You're not that dumb.
[00:21:15] Unknown:
I've had enough of this horstling around. I demand to see senator Lucas Tillis. Senator.
[00:21:22] Unknown:
Senator. Abbot, that must have been the night we pulled Taffy.
[00:21:33] Unknown:
There you are, Basso. Come here to mama and give her a great big kiss.
[00:21:42] Unknown:
Kid. Alright. Now put me down.
[00:21:47] Unknown:
Well, Bubbledos, let's call Universal Studios and tell them the new star has arrived. We'll go right over. Go on, Costello. Get them on the phone. Hey. Yeah. But what's the studio's phone number? Get him. He owns the studio and doesn't even know the phone number. Costello,
[00:22:03] Unknown:
you told her you own the studio?
[00:22:06] Unknown:
Sure. I'll own it any day now. President Bloomberg, if Universal practically promised it to me. He promised it to you? Yeah. He said, Costello, one more picture like the last one, and I'm gonna give you the business.
[00:22:20] Unknown:
Go on, Fatso. Jump over that last egg, and let's get out of the studio. I'm ready to star in my first picture. Well, here we are, Costello, main gate to Universal Studios.
[00:22:43] Unknown:
Just think in a few minutes, thanks to you, I'll be a star. Lena, don't you think we ought to come back some other day at the gate slot? There's other people getting in. Look. There goes Charles Laughton. Open the gate for mister Lawton, Mike. Look. There goes Charles Boyer. Open the gate for mister Boyer, Mike.
[00:23:00] Unknown:
Go on, Cicella. You own the place. Sound off the gate for you. Good morning, sir. I'm who Costello. Climb over your bum. Costello. Did you hear what he said? Why he's treating you like a dog. Speak up. Talk to the man. Show him your the fault. Okay.
[00:23:27] Unknown:
Hey, you. Did you tell me to climb over with that gate? Yeah. What about it? Would you mind giving me a boost?
[00:23:35] Unknown:
I'm beginning to think you're a phony, Costello. If you don't get me a starring partner's studio, I'm gonna tell your mother just what really happened the night you bought me that 50¢ bag of gumdrop. No. Lena, not that. Anything but that. Please don't tell her that. Your mother wouldn't like that, would she? No.
[00:23:54] Unknown:
She thinks those gumdrops only cost me a dime. Lena, why don't you give up this idea for you for the movie star and a Hollywood is screwed up and talk for a place for a girl like you? Go back to Brooklyn. They can use you for Third Basement.
[00:24:11] Unknown:
Listen, egghead. If you don't get me that starring part, I'm gonna bend your nose down till it touches your knee. I'll stick tack pins in your eyeball. Then I'll get a hot iron and flatter your ears together. And if that doesn't work, I'll torture you.
[00:24:32] Unknown:
Lena, I was only kidding. Come on in here. We'll see my director friend, Gregory Ratbiscuit. He'll do anything for a friend of mine. There's Mr. Rat Biscuit's secretary. Hey, you. Well, what is it? I said, what is it? I give up. What is it?
[00:24:56] Unknown:
Boy, tell mister Ratfiscus that Lucas Dello has a friend out here that he wants to star in pictures. Well, you'll just have to wait. Mister Lawton is in there now trying to get a friend of his in pictures.
[00:25:08] Unknown:
Oh, mister Lawton. You've got a friend that you want to get in pictures. Everybody's got friends. Nothing but friends. What am I running here? An old friend's home? I'll show you what I think of you and your friends now. Get us. Now if anybody else brings a friend in here, I'll smash them to pieces. I'll jump up and down on them. What a beautiful creature. But I got your specimen of poultry poultry. Spring is busting out all over. Come, pretty one. Come into my office. I want to discuss your possibility. Castello,
[00:26:24] Unknown:
Why did you run off without me? What have you done with Lena? She's been in the office with Mr. Rat.
[00:26:31] Unknown:
That must have been a tall boy. She's been in Athens Three O'clock, Abbot. I don't know what to do. That must be a terrific audition. Now wait a minute.
[00:26:43] Unknown:
You know, Rat Biscuit is a ladies' man. Oh, you want him to steal your girl? Go in there and get Lena. I'm afraid of it. That biscuit was in a terrible temper. I think he's mad at me. You coward. Go in there and get Lena. Okay.
[00:26:59] Unknown:
Well, Castello, what happened? Oh, Lena's alright, Abbott. She's in there. And you know what, Abbott? That rat biscuit is a swell fella. What do you mean? And he he ain't mad at me anymore. Look. He even gave me a quarter. He gave you a quarter? What's for? Well, he wants me to go downtown and get him. A bag of thumb drops? I get
[00:27:18] Unknown:
him all.
[00:27:24] Unknown:
Adam Costello will be back for Camel Cigarettes in just a moment.
[00:27:31] Unknown:
And now this week's salute in the new series of salutes to the men who won the victory. Tonight, we salute those heroic men who wear the yellow and blue patch with a green cactus on their shoulder. The heroes of the one hundred third division upon whose battle record is written the names of Wissenburg, Stuttgart, and Austria. In your honor, men of the one hundred third division, the makers of camels are sending to your fellow servicemen overseas 500,000 camel cigarettes.
[00:28:02] Unknown:
Each of the two camels shows thus honors the different units of the army, navy, marines, and coast guard. A total of a million camels sent free each week. Camel broadcast go out to The United States twice a week, are rebroadcast to practically every area in the world where our men are stationed and in cooperation with the good neighbor policy also to Central And South America. Listen again next Thursday to Abbott and Costello. And I'll hear a Bud and Lou with the final word. Well, Costello, it's nice to be back on the air with all our old friends. You know? I hope they've all got their radios tuned into our show tonight. Well, Abbott,
[00:28:34] Unknown:
I know of one little radio that's tuned in down on the Lower East Side Of New York. And that's at the bedside of a little pal of mine, little Johnny Stack. Come on, Johnny. Get well quick. Get well for Abbott and I. I know the radio audience won't mind that we dedicated our opening show to you, Johnny. So good luck, kid. Come on, Johnny. Get well, Johnny. Good night, folks. Good night to everybody. Good night, Johnny.
[00:29:05] Unknown:
Yes, folks. Be sure to tune in next week for another great Evidence Gastro Show brought to you by Camel Cigarettes. And remember, Camel's are worth asking for every time. See for yourself how Camel's mildness, coolness, and flavor click with you. There's many a type of pipe in the world and they give out with many different sorts of sound. For instance, take a navy bosun's pipe or the pipes in an Oregon or that sound that signals tops in contentment, the sound of a man whose pipe is loaded with rich, full bodied, mellow Prince Albert smoking tobacco.
[00:29:55] Unknown:
Yes. That contented eye is the sound produced by a PA pack pipe. Because not only does Prince Albert deliver wonderful flavor and fragrance, but it's gentle to your tongue as well. Even if you're a marathon pipe smoker, a special no bite treatment takes out the tongue punishment that spoils your smoking pleasure. Prince Albert's script cut too for firm packing, easy drawing, and even burning. Switch to PA today. Saturday night, be sure to listen to the Prince Albert program, Grand Ole Opry broadcast coast to coast every Saturday night on NBC.
[00:30:32] Unknown:
The Abbott and Costello Show for Campbell cigarettes will be back at this very same time next week. Don't miss it. This is Ken Niles in Hollywood wishing you all a blessing. Good night.
[00:30:43] Unknown:
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C a f e l s The Abbott and Costello program starring but Abbott and Lou Costello brought to you by Camel, the cigarette of costlier properly aged tobacco. The Adventist Gastello program with a modern rhythm of Will Las Bernadette's orchestra, the swingy singing of Connie Haines, and spotlighting that cheeky, chubby little mischief maker who when caught red handed cutting the carters off his Aunt Minnie's girdle to make himself a slingshot, calmly said,
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I'll say you're a bad boy, Costello. What's the idea of coming here late? The first broadcast of our new season. You're supposed to make a speech of welcome to our listeners. By the way, do you know how to make a speech? Oh, sure. I don't, Expedia. Oh, you do? Sure. Watch me. Go ahead. Ladies and gentlemen. Oh, Costello. They know they're ladies and gentlemen. I know, but it's nice to remind them of it every once in a while. Never mind. Go ahead with your speech. Oh, yeah. Yes. Alright. Now just listen to this. Alright. Let me hear it. Yeah. Yeah. Go ahead. Alright. It's easy. I'm lost in this beginning of the season. All right. Never mind. Folks, we're back again and we're going to be on the air every day tonight for a whole year. Oh, no. No. Not that. Oh, no. I think we just lost a listener.
Alright. Never mind that, Costello. Why weren't you here for rehearsal this afternoon? Where were you? You? Oh, I haven't my family gave me a welcome home party this afternoon. They did? Hey. Did we have fun? My uncle Artie Stubbs, he drank two cups of tea and passed out cold. Now that's ridiculous. How could a man pass out from drinking two cups of tea? This was DTT.
[00:03:05] Unknown:
You you dummy DTT
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is not a beverage. It's made strictly for vermin. That's right. We made it out for everybody, men, vermin, and children. Never mind about that. You should you know, you
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You know,
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you should be very proud of the way your friends welcomed you back from your vacation move. I saw big signs all over your neighborhood. Oh, sure. Welcome home, our hero, Lou Costello. We love you, Lou Costello.
[00:03:32] Unknown:
America's ace of the airways, Luca Stello. Yeah. But Abbott. What's up? Oh, but those signs embarrass me terribly. Why should those signs embarrass you? They call me nailing them up. Oh, come on. You're not impossible. Never mind that. Look. Tell me about your trip back east. How how did you like New York? Oh, Havoc, New York's a wonderful place. And things like that. People there are so friendly. They are. The minute you get off the train, they grab you and they smother you with kisses. They do? Yeah. Then they take you for a ride in a taxi. They hug and they kiss you. And then they take you out for dinner and they buy you champagne. And then they take you for a moonlight ride in Central Park, and then they hug you and they kiss you some more. And then they send you home with a five pound box of chocolate. Costello,
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did all this happen to you? No. To my sister.
[00:04:17] Unknown:
I'm talking about you. What did you do in New York? Oh, Abbot, I met the most beautiful wave. We went together for thirteen weeks. You went you went with this wave for thirteen weeks? Yeah. We just finished basic training. Oh, come on. That's silly. The next time I see you, we're going on maneuvers.
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We talk sense, Costello. Look. What does this girl do in the Navy? Is she, petty officer? What kind of officer? Petty. Petty? Oh, sure. She petties all the time. And she likes the neck too.
[00:04:44] Unknown:
I know. I'm crazy about that girl. I can imagine. She's so sweet and delicate, touching. A delicate ass. Everything I thought of was so dainty. Yeah. What's her name? Lena. Lena. Lena Genster. Lena Genster. Is she a nice girl? Is she a nice girl who did you meet her family? Oh, sure. And what a family. How far I am, what? I have 37 children. 37 children. They they must live on the other side of the tracks. With 37 children, they gotta live on both sides of the tracks. Well, never mind about her family. Is Lena a pretty girl? Pretty? Mhmm. Abbott. Do you know how Veronica Lake's cute little nose comes right to a point? Yes. Lena's head does the same thing.
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What a call about a figure. Is she, silk like? What? Is she silk like? Does she have a silk like figure? If she does, she keeps she keeps it to herself.
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No. No. No. No. No. No. You w by silk like, I mean, chic. Is is Lina chic? No. She ain't been chic since she had the mumps. Stop. Mister, nice.
[00:05:40] Unknown:
Chic has nothing to do with, with her mumps. Chic means,
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smell. Now is Lina a shick and smell? Oh, yeah. When Lina had the mums, she was very sick and her face smelled vey up. Her mother rubbed a jar of shab on her push and the smelting vent of air. What have we got? Swedish rider I don't know. Okay, miss Hill. Listen to me here, miss Hill. I only wanna find out your girl friend, Lina, what she looks like. Is she pert? She what? Pert. Pert. Would you say she was pert? Certainly she's pert. She's pert Irish and pert Eskimo. No. No. You're not. I'm not talking about her background. I want to know if Lina is pert or appealing. Oh, sure. One time she got sunburned, and a part of her background was appealing. No. No. No. No. No. Pastor.
[00:06:27] Unknown:
I really ask you if your girlfriend, Lina, is sick. When I say sick, I'm not referring to our hell. Sick means prirt. Therefore, a girl can be prirt
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and a pert girl can be spelt and a spelt girl can be appealing. Oh, when you say a girl is shit, you're not referring to her hell. Shit means pert and a girl who is sick and pert is appealing. And most girls who are appealing are referred to as spelt. Therefore, a shit girl can be pert and a pert girl can be spelt and a spelt girl can be appealing. Now you've got it. Now I don't even know what I'm talking about. Get him out of here.
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Gentlemen, a masterpiece of the ridiculous. And, may I make a quick jump from the ridiculous to the sublime, from the clowning to the classics and quote a wise man named Esau who declared some three thousand years ago,
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experience is the best
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teacher. And true today, what we learn by experience means the most and most civilians have learned a lot lately. For when the dealer said, sorry, no camels today because with camels it was the service first. Well, they just had to smoke what they could get. You smoked more different brands during the cigarette shortage than you'd ordinarily try in a lifetime and you learn by experience that nothing takes the place of camels, costly tobaccos, properly aged and blended.
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Experience
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is the best teacher. And experience has taught millions of smokers to say,
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c a f e l f. Camels.
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Today, more people want camels than ever before in the history of this famous brand. And now here's Will Osborn at the orchestra with one of your favorite favorites, the Adjacent, Topeka, and Santa
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Fe.
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Alright. Look. Cut that out, cuss. Will you please don't mind that thing? Will you look. Will you forget about your girl, Lena? You're you're here and she's in the yard. I'll never forget Lena. Do Do you remember the last night her and I was together? I bought a great big bag of gumdrops. Red ones for Lena and black ones for me. Red gumdrops for Lena and black ones for you? Yeah. We just had on a bench in the park eating them gumdrops. Then it got dark and I lit a lantern. You jerk. You mean you were sitting on a bench with a beautiful girl at night and you little lantern? Yeah. Why? It was so dark. I couldn't tell the red gumdrops from the black ones.
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Costello, Is that somebody at the door? I didn't hear anything.
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I beg your pardon, gentlemen. I'm looking for mister Av mister Av for mister Ava. Mister Abbott? No. I'm Lou Costello. What do you want? Well, I got a telegram for you, and it's from Chicago. It's Chicago. It's from Chicago. Chicago? Brooklyn. Uh-huh.
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Where did they take this tick up?
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Here, boy, give me that telegram, please.
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Costello? Yes. The boy has his hand out. What do you want me to do, read his palm? No, no, no.
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He's waiting for you to lay a little, gratuity in his hand. Lay a gratuity? Yes. If you'll settle for an egg, I think I can make it.
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Oh, that's all right. My company won't allow me to accept tips.
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Money? No tips.
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You see, the Telegraph Company pays me very well as of his. I only been working for him for twenty years and yesterday they raised me. They raised you? Sure. They raised my bicycle seat up six inches.
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I think he's just got a flat, that guy. You know, the only reason we keep that guy on a show is because he knows where to get bacon. Oh, never mind. Yeah. Give me that telegram. Give me that telegram, Costell. I'll read it. Let's see. Have been have been discharged from the waves. And then am on my way to Hollywood to accept the starring role that you promised me at Universal Studios. Sign. Lita Gensler. Costello.
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Costello,
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look at me. Did you promise that little girl that you would make her a star in pictures?
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Happened. I had to. You had to. That's the only manly thing to do. It all happened tonight. I bought in a bag of gumdrops. It was so romantic. Every time we reach for a gumdrop, our fingers will bleed inside the sack. Then, quite by accident, I kissed her. Oh, how did you kiss her by accident? We were both chewing on the same gumdrop, and I ate half my half.
[00:12:36] Unknown:
You imbecile, you didn't have to promise her a starring plot in pictures just because you kissed her. That's not all I said. What?
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I as I was pulling away, the gumdrop snapped and bent her pivot tooth. Well,
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you're certainly in a mess, Costello. How are you going to get an unknown girl a starring plot in pictures? But I thought maybe you could help me. I can help you. I can wait a minute. Hey. Wait a minute. There's a man here tonight who happens to be the world's greatest motion picture producer. Good evening, gentlemen. I am professor Melon Head. Melon Head. Melon Head? He had a yellow vest skull. His head was more like a
[00:13:10] Unknown:
Melon Head? Hey, Abigail over that skull. This head looks more like Nagasaki after it was hit by the atomic bomb.
[00:13:17] Unknown:
Young man, don't you stop at my cranium. I'll have you know there's plenty inside of my head. There should be. There's nothing on the outside.
[00:13:24] Unknown:
Well, head, I know how you can make a lot of money. Rent your head out as a skating rink for flight. So now now, Cristello,
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suppose my head is round and shiny. Surely you've seen things like this before. Yeah. But they all had handles on it. Quiet, constell. Please. Hey, professor. Do you think you could advise Costello how to get this girl a starring role in pictures? Certainly. Yeah. But now, Costello, first, I'll have to know something about your girl. Is she photogenic? No. She's part Irish and part Eskimo. Oh, of course. I think she's chic. Now I'm not speaking of her extraction. I'm merely inquiring about her physiognomy. Her what? Her physiognomy. Does she have a smooth physiognomy?
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Gentlemen, don't discuss those things outside a barroom.
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Lou Costello, you haven't got the brains of a two year old child. I know. But look at the difference in our ages. Oh, no.
[00:14:11] Unknown:
Please, gentlemen. Gentlemen, we're getting no place. Costello's girl is on her way here, and and he made her a promise to star her in pictures. Now we've got to do something about that. Very well, Costello. I will personally groom your girl for a screen test. Miller head. Just what do you intend to do? Well, first, I will instill her with supreme confidence. I will enhance her histrionic proclivity. I will retard her basic timidity,
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cram her repertoire with simulating soliloquism. Then with dynamic exuberance, I will embellish her cinematic latitude.
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You wouldn't dare. You haven't got the nerve.
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No nonsense. Costello, I've never been so humiliated in my life. I'm ashamed to have people see me walk out of here after conversing with an ember so like you. Mister Rabbit, isn't there some way I can sneak out of here without being seen? Look, Melanhed, if that's the way you feel about it, you can go out this window and down our fire escape. Thank you. Open the window.
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Good night, gentlemen. Costello, what was that? It just dawned on me. We ain't got no fire escape.
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Lovely Connie Haines is back with us again this year, and we know that's a real treat for our Camel audience. Connie sings, I'll fight that dream. Imagine
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me with my head on your shoulder And you with your zip getting bolder. A sky full of moon and a sweet mellow tune
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of that dream.
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Imagine me in a gown, white and and those last minute jokes are by that dream. The honeymoon in Cairo, in a brand new water gyro, then home by rocket in a winged ring.
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We'll settle down in Dallas in a little plastic collar.
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It's not as crazy as you think. Imagine me on a
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fir on a fir on a fir
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street with someone like you in the nursery. It doesn't sound bad, but if it can be
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lovely. And that song is heard round the world for this program and sent overseas to our servicemen. And I can just picture two such servicemen on their way to that magic place called home. They've been everywhere, seen everything and now they're seeing the Statue Of Liberty and the skyline they haven't seen in years. Boy, does that look good. Gosh, you never know how much you've missed something until you've had to do without it. Yes, it takes the experience of doing without to make us really appreciate things we're apt to take for granted. Proving again that experience is the best teacher.
Not only in the big things but in little things too. Cigarettes for instance. Most of us today have had more experience with smoking different brands than we'd usually have in a lifetime. During the shortage we had to smoke whatever we could get and although production was at an all time high, the volume of demand for them made them seem to be the scarcest of the scarce. And did experience teach us that there's simply no substitute for camels, costlier tobaccos and proper aging? It certainly did. For today, more people want camels than ever before in the history of the brand. Yes. As old Esopp said,
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experience is the best teacher. See, a,
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a, a, l, f. Camels, the cigarette of costlier tobacco.
[00:19:23] Unknown:
Alright. Alright. Stand aside, boy, and let me in. One side or I'll open your head. Oh, shh. In a please, madam. Quiet. The Abbott and Costello Show is on the air in the studio. You must be absolutely quiet. Not a sound. You're not even supposed to breathe while they're on the air. Don't tell me they're that bad.
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Well, I'm going in. Step aside, hack rack hack before it hangs up on your hook.
[00:19:46] Unknown:
You're not getting past me, madam. I am the head usher.
[00:19:50] Unknown:
Oh, yeah?
[00:19:55] Unknown:
Well,
[00:19:58] Unknown:
pick up your head, Usher.
[00:20:01] Unknown:
What's going on here? Wait a minute. What is all this commotion, madam? Boy, I'm looking for the owner of the NBC network, mister Lou Costello.
[00:20:09] Unknown:
Just tell him. You may tell him that Lena Genster is here. Uh-oh.
[00:20:19] Unknown:
Wait here just just a minute, miss Genster. Don't don't go away with me. Just a minute. I'll be right back. I'll be right back. Stella. Stella. What? Stella. Yeah? Who do you think is here? Who? It's Lena Ginster. Oh, god. That's What? Yeah. Well
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Lena Ginster. You don't get it. What? I'm in the window. I'm going down the fire escape. Costello, we have no fire escape. I'll make one. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No No. That was the night we made fudge.
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You tell her, you idiot. First, you told her you'd star in pictures. Then you told her you owned an n NBC network.
[00:21:08] Unknown:
I, hope you didn't tell her you were the mayor of Los Angeles. Abbot, you know I wouldn't do that. I'm not that dumb. You're not that dumb.
[00:21:15] Unknown:
I've had enough of this horstling around. I demand to see senator Lucas Tillis. Senator.
[00:21:22] Unknown:
Senator. Abbot, that must have been the night we pulled Taffy.
[00:21:33] Unknown:
There you are, Basso. Come here to mama and give her a great big kiss.
[00:21:42] Unknown:
Kid. Alright. Now put me down.
[00:21:47] Unknown:
Well, Bubbledos, let's call Universal Studios and tell them the new star has arrived. We'll go right over. Go on, Costello. Get them on the phone. Hey. Yeah. But what's the studio's phone number? Get him. He owns the studio and doesn't even know the phone number. Costello,
[00:22:03] Unknown:
you told her you own the studio?
[00:22:06] Unknown:
Sure. I'll own it any day now. President Bloomberg, if Universal practically promised it to me. He promised it to you? Yeah. He said, Costello, one more picture like the last one, and I'm gonna give you the business.
[00:22:20] Unknown:
Go on, Fatso. Jump over that last egg, and let's get out of the studio. I'm ready to star in my first picture. Well, here we are, Costello, main gate to Universal Studios.
[00:22:43] Unknown:
Just think in a few minutes, thanks to you, I'll be a star. Lena, don't you think we ought to come back some other day at the gate slot? There's other people getting in. Look. There goes Charles Laughton. Open the gate for mister Lawton, Mike. Look. There goes Charles Boyer. Open the gate for mister Boyer, Mike.
[00:23:00] Unknown:
Go on, Cicella. You own the place. Sound off the gate for you. Good morning, sir. I'm who Costello. Climb over your bum. Costello. Did you hear what he said? Why he's treating you like a dog. Speak up. Talk to the man. Show him your the fault. Okay.
[00:23:27] Unknown:
Hey, you. Did you tell me to climb over with that gate? Yeah. What about it? Would you mind giving me a boost?
[00:23:35] Unknown:
I'm beginning to think you're a phony, Costello. If you don't get me a starring partner's studio, I'm gonna tell your mother just what really happened the night you bought me that 50¢ bag of gumdrop. No. Lena, not that. Anything but that. Please don't tell her that. Your mother wouldn't like that, would she? No.
[00:23:54] Unknown:
She thinks those gumdrops only cost me a dime. Lena, why don't you give up this idea for you for the movie star and a Hollywood is screwed up and talk for a place for a girl like you? Go back to Brooklyn. They can use you for Third Basement.
[00:24:11] Unknown:
Listen, egghead. If you don't get me that starring part, I'm gonna bend your nose down till it touches your knee. I'll stick tack pins in your eyeball. Then I'll get a hot iron and flatter your ears together. And if that doesn't work, I'll torture you.
[00:24:32] Unknown:
Lena, I was only kidding. Come on in here. We'll see my director friend, Gregory Ratbiscuit. He'll do anything for a friend of mine. There's Mr. Rat Biscuit's secretary. Hey, you. Well, what is it? I said, what is it? I give up. What is it?
[00:24:56] Unknown:
Boy, tell mister Ratfiscus that Lucas Dello has a friend out here that he wants to star in pictures. Well, you'll just have to wait. Mister Lawton is in there now trying to get a friend of his in pictures.
[00:25:08] Unknown:
Oh, mister Lawton. You've got a friend that you want to get in pictures. Everybody's got friends. Nothing but friends. What am I running here? An old friend's home? I'll show you what I think of you and your friends now. Get us. Now if anybody else brings a friend in here, I'll smash them to pieces. I'll jump up and down on them. What a beautiful creature. But I got your specimen of poultry poultry. Spring is busting out all over. Come, pretty one. Come into my office. I want to discuss your possibility. Castello,
[00:26:24] Unknown:
Why did you run off without me? What have you done with Lena? She's been in the office with Mr. Rat.
[00:26:31] Unknown:
That must have been a tall boy. She's been in Athens Three O'clock, Abbot. I don't know what to do. That must be a terrific audition. Now wait a minute.
[00:26:43] Unknown:
You know, Rat Biscuit is a ladies' man. Oh, you want him to steal your girl? Go in there and get Lena. I'm afraid of it. That biscuit was in a terrible temper. I think he's mad at me. You coward. Go in there and get Lena. Okay.
[00:26:59] Unknown:
Well, Castello, what happened? Oh, Lena's alright, Abbott. She's in there. And you know what, Abbott? That rat biscuit is a swell fella. What do you mean? And he he ain't mad at me anymore. Look. He even gave me a quarter. He gave you a quarter? What's for? Well, he wants me to go downtown and get him. A bag of thumb drops? I get
[00:27:18] Unknown:
him all.
[00:27:24] Unknown:
Adam Costello will be back for Camel Cigarettes in just a moment.
[00:27:31] Unknown:
And now this week's salute in the new series of salutes to the men who won the victory. Tonight, we salute those heroic men who wear the yellow and blue patch with a green cactus on their shoulder. The heroes of the one hundred third division upon whose battle record is written the names of Wissenburg, Stuttgart, and Austria. In your honor, men of the one hundred third division, the makers of camels are sending to your fellow servicemen overseas 500,000 camel cigarettes.
[00:28:02] Unknown:
Each of the two camels shows thus honors the different units of the army, navy, marines, and coast guard. A total of a million camels sent free each week. Camel broadcast go out to The United States twice a week, are rebroadcast to practically every area in the world where our men are stationed and in cooperation with the good neighbor policy also to Central And South America. Listen again next Thursday to Abbott and Costello. And I'll hear a Bud and Lou with the final word. Well, Costello, it's nice to be back on the air with all our old friends. You know? I hope they've all got their radios tuned into our show tonight. Well, Abbott,
[00:28:34] Unknown:
I know of one little radio that's tuned in down on the Lower East Side Of New York. And that's at the bedside of a little pal of mine, little Johnny Stack. Come on, Johnny. Get well quick. Get well for Abbott and I. I know the radio audience won't mind that we dedicated our opening show to you, Johnny. So good luck, kid. Come on, Johnny. Get well, Johnny. Good night, folks. Good night to everybody. Good night, Johnny.
[00:29:05] Unknown:
Yes, folks. Be sure to tune in next week for another great Evidence Gastro Show brought to you by Camel Cigarettes. And remember, Camel's are worth asking for every time. See for yourself how Camel's mildness, coolness, and flavor click with you. There's many a type of pipe in the world and they give out with many different sorts of sound. For instance, take a navy bosun's pipe or the pipes in an Oregon or that sound that signals tops in contentment, the sound of a man whose pipe is loaded with rich, full bodied, mellow Prince Albert smoking tobacco.
[00:29:55] Unknown:
Yes. That contented eye is the sound produced by a PA pack pipe. Because not only does Prince Albert deliver wonderful flavor and fragrance, but it's gentle to your tongue as well. Even if you're a marathon pipe smoker, a special no bite treatment takes out the tongue punishment that spoils your smoking pleasure. Prince Albert's script cut too for firm packing, easy drawing, and even burning. Switch to PA today. Saturday night, be sure to listen to the Prince Albert program, Grand Ole Opry broadcast coast to coast every Saturday night on NBC.
[00:30:32] Unknown:
The Abbott and Costello Show for Campbell cigarettes will be back at this very same time next week. Don't miss it. This is Ken Niles in Hollywood wishing you all a blessing. Good night.
[00:30:43] Unknown:
This is the national broadcasting company.
[00:31:03] Unknown:
With Lucky Land Slots, you can get lucky just about anywhere.
[00:31:08] Unknown:
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Winning Moves and Chumba Casino
Abbott and Costello's New Season
Costello's New York Adventure
Camel Cigarettes and Experience
Costello's Romantic Mishap
Professor Melonhead's Advice
Connie Haines Sings 'I'll Fight That Dream'
The Value of Experience
Lena Genster's Arrival
Universal Studios and Gumdrops
Mr. Ratbiscuit's Audition
Closing and Dedication to Johnny Stack
