In this lively episode, we dive into a comedic exchange between Abbott and Costello, filled with witty banter and humorous misunderstandings. The duo navigates through a series of jokes about fitness, family, and relationships, showcasing their classic comedic timing. Costello's attempts at romance and his interactions with Abbott provide plenty of laughs, as they discuss everything from swimming lessons to lifeguard duties.
As the episode unfolds, listeners are treated to a series of sketches that highlight the absurdity of everyday situations. From Costello's inventive yet impractical ideas to Abbott's exasperated responses, the comedy duo keeps the audience entertained with their quick wit and slapstick humor. Whether it's discussing the intricacies of military training or the challenges of dating, Abbott and Costello deliver a timeless comedic performance that is sure to delight fans of classic comedy.
(01:00) The Mundane and the Casino
(01:41) Family Antics and Water Cooler Tales
(03:06) Costello's Sleepless Night
(05:15) Universal Military Training Debate
(07:00) Dating Dilemmas and Marriage Views
(10:01) Poetic Proposals and Financial Woes
(14:03) The Lifeguard Ambition
(18:23) Swimming Lessons and Lifeguard Training
(21:12) Beachside Shenanigans
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[00:00:00]
Unknown:
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[00:01:00] Unknown:
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[00:01:31] Unknown:
No purchase necessary. DTEQ. Avoid prohibited by law. See terms and conditions, 18 plus. Alright. Alright. Stop all that yelling. Get that new car in the parking lot. Oh, I bought it from an old lady, Freshman. I gave her $500 on a bonus. Had to give the old lady a bonus? Yeah. But wasn't it? An old man. I know.
[00:01:57] Unknown:
Cogs sense, will you, Lou? Say, by the way, why is your uncle Mike going over to that water cooler?
[00:02:02] Unknown:
He drank a gallon of water. Haven't I ever saw a man in his 30s, uncle Mike? He drinks about $10 of water per day. Then at night, he goes in the living room, sits down in his favorite rocking chair. Then what does he do? He just sits there and rocks and splashes.
[00:02:16] Unknown:
Well, may maybe it's because your uncle might sail on the ocean for so many years.
[00:02:21] Unknown:
He'd sail all around the world, didn't he? Oh, yes. Yes. Indeed. Yes. He got a lot of souvenirs too, have it? He did. He's got a diamond from South Africa, jade necklace from China, whale bone sword from Alaska, and a hula skirt from a wire. Wait a minute. Where did he get that shrunken head? That's the barber's fault. He keeps putting those darn hot towels on him.
[00:02:42] Unknown:
Castello, I think you're an idiot.
[00:02:44] Unknown:
I beg your pardon? I say I think you're an idiot. You can't say that about me, Abbott. My family dates back to the pilgrim. We're all blue bloods.
[00:02:51] Unknown:
Who cares about about ancestors or heredity? I wouldn't care if my grandfather was a baboon.
[00:02:58] Unknown:
No. But it would make a lot of difference to your grandmother. I don't get smart, Costello. I'll have to slap you down. Oh, yeah? Yeah. As dumb as you are, it may be tougher. I'm so tough I can take Joe Louis apart and see what makes him tick. I can take Jack Dempsey apart too. Any champion in your name I can handle? How about the swimming champ, mister William? Could you take her apart? Look, Evan. Anything put together that good don't need tinkering with her. Yeah.
[00:03:27] Unknown:
Pastella. What? Love, come here. What's the matter with you, Pastella? You look terrible.
[00:03:32] Unknown:
How did you get those circles under your eyes? Well, I didn't sleep good last night. My brother packed him over to sleep with me, and he bought his brought over his pet's gunk and his two goats, and they slept at the foot of the bed. The air was terrible in that bedroom. Why didn't you open the window? What? Let my pigeons fly away? Why didn't you open the door? Every time I open the door, my pigs run out. Did you get any sleep at all? No. I stayed up until 06:00 in the morning reading the dictionary. You read the dictionary all night? Yeah. I couldn't wait to see how it ended.
[00:04:06] Unknown:
You idiot. The next thing you'll be telling me that you're reading the Los Angeles telephone. Uh-uh. Uh-uh. That's I wouldn't do. That's good. I'm waiting until they make a movie out of it. No wonder you can't sleep at night reading all that junk.
[00:04:21] Unknown:
Well, I'm not the only one who can't sleep. My aunt May is up all night. What you got, miss Sonia? No. Before she goes to bed, she puts on face cream, hand cream, vanishing cream, body cream, and foot cream. Well, how does that keep her awake? She keeps sliding out of the bed. We've got to move out of that house, Abbot. I haven't slept the night since we live there. I keep looking out the window at that blonde that lives across the street. Why don't you pull down the shade? I can't reach across the street.
[00:04:52] Unknown:
Same one. You're picking it blonde.
[00:04:54] Unknown:
I thought you were interested in Susan Miller. Well, no. I'm mad at her. You went in the store yesterday and bought a hat and made me pay for it. Why you cheapskate? I'm a cheapskate. You're the cheapskate, Abbott. Your wife told me that last week you sat in a cellar for three nights. Well, how does that make me a cheapskate? But 10¢, you could have baited the trap with real cheese. Right.
[00:05:15] Unknown:
Just the same. You shouldn't object to buying something a a new hat. After all, a hat is a woman's crowning glory. When a woman walks down the street, what do you notice first? Her figure? No. Her face? No. Her leg? No.
[00:05:31] Unknown:
You noticed her head? Look, Abbot. All the kids are in bed now. Let's give the right answer.
[00:05:44] Unknown:
Just, How do you manage how do you manage to increase your stupidity and ignorance? I've been putting in a lot of overtime, Libby. You wouldn't be so ignorant if you read the papers and kept up with what's going on. I read the papers. Alright then. Tell me. What do you think of universal military training? I don't think it's fair. Why? Universal is gonna have military training. They should give it to RKO, MGM, Republic, Columbia, Monterey, and Fox.
[00:06:13] Unknown:
It's saying nothing to beagle line in Nassau Studios. Universal military training is designed to put more young men in the army. I hope that they put me in the army, they'll give me back my old job. What's that? Deserted.
[00:06:28] Unknown:
You were a deserter in the army?
[00:06:30] Unknown:
Oh, I was just kidding. I was one of the bravest guys in the army. And all the battles, I was right with a bullet square of thickets. Where was that? Underneath the ammunition truck. That's what I thought. I just threw that in. I should have thrown it out. I think you should have. Hello. Costello. Mister Costello. Hey, would you like to go out on a double date with me tonight? Who are the girls? Well, there are a couple of hula dancers from Salt Lake City. They got hula dancers in Salt Lake City? Yes. With all that salt, they've got to have a few shakers. How do you like that? He forgot to tell me where to meet them.
[00:07:04] Unknown:
Why don't you get girls off your mind? Cassello, the only thing that will cure you is married. I was like you until I got my wife on a string. On a string? You should have had her on a leash.
[00:07:15] Unknown:
I don't wanna get married anyway, Evan. Married life is like driving the wrong way on a one way street. Why? Everybody starts yelling at you when it's too late to back out. Anyway, I'm too young to get married. I'm only 21, and I don't know my own mind. You You don't know your own
[00:07:29] Unknown:
age either.
[00:07:32] Unknown:
Just a minute, please. Don't know his own age. Show me in the script where it says that.
[00:07:44] Unknown:
It's not in there. That's right. Wait till I get back.
[00:07:52] Unknown:
I'm here. Now wait. I just made it up. So what?
[00:07:56] Unknown:
No. I like to get off a good joke too.
[00:07:59] Unknown:
You better get off that one before it actually starts.
[00:08:02] Unknown:
Hey. That's pretty good. We keep this up. I can I can throw my strip away?
[00:08:07] Unknown:
You're reading a script?
[00:08:11] Unknown:
I understand that, Betty Grable asked me for a date last night. Yes. But I turned it down. Why? She's no Hetty Lamar, you know. And why don't you go out with Hetty Lamar? She's no Lana Turner. Why don't you go out with Lana Turner?
[00:08:23] Unknown:
She's no Betty Grable. Wait a minute, Costello. We're right back where we started. I know, but look where we've been. Look.
[00:08:36] Unknown:
Why don't you
[00:08:39] Unknown:
why don't you quit chasing girls Close to Susan Miller. I did have it. I took her for a ride last night, and I asked her to marry me. Did she answer you in the affirmative? No. She answered me in the car.
[00:08:50] Unknown:
Lucky you, dummy. When you proposed, you had hopes.
[00:08:54] Unknown:
Did her answer coincide with that hope? Why should she go inside with hope? She was sitting outside in the car with me.
[00:09:01] Unknown:
Look, Gaston. Listen, Gaston. Please. Let hope get his own girl. Alright. Listen to me. I'm I'm only trying to find out about the girls we had last night, you and I. Alright. Let's not talk about that. We had no kick coming. I'm not kicking. You had the best luck of mine. Alright. Yours head, Keith. Alright. Yours had teeth too. You see that tooth? Yes, I saw that tooth.
[00:09:28] Unknown:
Mine had so much bridge work every time I kissed her, I had to pay toll. All right.
[00:09:37] Unknown:
I'm always
[00:09:40] Unknown:
trying to find my place again, Tom.
[00:09:46] Unknown:
I'm trying to find out yourself. You asked Susan to marry. Right. All right. That's the line I was looking for. That was a tough line to find. Right place. Russell, I'm trying to find out how you proposed. Were you, poetic? Poetic. Yeah. I was poetic. You know what? I wrote her a beautiful poem. I swell.
[00:10:17] Unknown:
Goes like this to Susan Miller. Susan, our marriage would be so dandy, as sweet as a five pound box of candy. I'll be your pop, and you'd be my lolly, just like Fibber McGee and Molly.
[00:10:35] Unknown:
Boys?
[00:10:36] Unknown:
Well, look. Look, I tell it's Susan Miller.
[00:10:46] Unknown:
Susan, you look wonderful tonight. In parenthesis, no. Do I smell Christmas night?
[00:10:58] Unknown:
I don't know, Costello. I've never been out with you on Christmas night.
[00:11:06] Unknown:
I'm out with them every night. That's wonderful perfume you have on Abbott. What is that?
[00:11:10] Unknown:
This is here? Yes. Oh, Chanel. Ten dollars a bottle. $10 a bottle. Chanel. Get a load of this. What is that? 10¢ a bottle. Susan, that's a lovely dress you're wearing. Thank you. I knitted it myself. It certainly pleases, doesn't it? Yes. It looks like it's afraid to let go.
[00:11:32] Unknown:
Susan, if you wanna lend me $10, I'll take you off tonight. Costello,
[00:11:36] Unknown:
I never lend money. Lending money breaks friendship. Money is the root of all evil, and you should never let money stand in the way of a friendship. Now which would you rather have, the money or my friendship?
[00:11:48] Unknown:
Could you could you let me have it in small bills?
[00:11:56] Unknown:
Shame on you trying to borrow money from Susan. Here, I'll give you $10.
[00:12:00] Unknown:
Now where are you going to take Susan? Some high class spot where we can remember. Facelita, do you know how to remember? Oh, sure. Just get out of the just get out on the floor and make out like you got a broken crankshaft. How about it, Susan? Is it a date? Oh, I'm not going out with you on borrowed money. Get some money of your own. Why don't you get a job? Well, I had a job as a grease monkey, but I quit. Why? I found out you can't make no money, grease monkey. They're slippery little something.
[00:12:32] Unknown:
Gosh, Stella, why don't you tell why don't you tell your invention? If it makes money that way. Giselle,
[00:12:38] Unknown:
you have an invention? Oh, sure. Good one too. I invented a new safety mask. No matter what you do to it, you can't strike it. It won't light, and it won't burn.
[00:12:47] Unknown:
Well, what's a match like that good for? For people that don't smoke.
[00:12:53] Unknown:
Hey, Costello. Why don't you take Susan down to the beach? That won't cost you any money.
[00:12:58] Unknown:
No? No money at all. Well, nothing doing. I was down on the beach last Sunday. I fell asleep on a sand and butter. Did I get sunburn? Were you really sunburned? Susan, I was so red. When I woke up, a lobster was trying to drag me under the boardwalk.
[00:13:16] Unknown:
Yeah. I asked Sissy. Why don't you take Susan to the beach?
[00:13:35] Unknown:
Good. Costello isn't my type. The man I want must be Roman. He must see me as a drifting boat without a sail on the storm tossed sea of life, and he must pilot me into the harbor of matrimony.
[00:13:49] Unknown:
You don't want a man. You want the coast guard.
[00:14:03] Unknown:
I'm I'm sorry, Costello, but the kind of man I could go for is the outdoor type, the type you see down at the beach. That's the guy that rings the bell for me. I knew it, Abbot. She's in love with a good human man. Costello, I'm speaking of the lifeguard. Goodbye.
[00:14:22] Unknown:
Well, Pastello, it looks like the only way you can win Susan is to become a lifeguard. I'll do it, Abbot. I can see myself now fronting into the sea, dragging beautiful beautiful damsels out of the water to safety. I'll be the Loch Andvar of Long Beach, the pride of Pismo, the octopus of Ocean Park. Now you're talking. There's only one thing that might hold me back. What's that? I can't swim.
[00:14:43] Unknown:
Gautela, I've got some good news for you. My sister, Oliver, is going to let you use her swimming pool so you can learn how to swim and become a lifeguard. Who knows? You may turn out to be one of the greatest swimmers in the country. Yeah. But I'll be the next thing, Esther Williams. You dummy Esther Williams is a girl. You mean you'll be next to Johnny Weismuller. You get next to who you like, and I'll get next to who I like. All right. Never mind. Let's go in this store. I'm going to buy you a bathing suit.
[00:15:09] Unknown:
Yeah. They have it. They got nice things in the store. There's a red bathing suit that would fit me. That's not a bathing suit. That's a suit of long underwear. Oh, shucks. And I was figuring out carrying my water wings in that big back pocket.
[00:15:25] Unknown:
Stop it, Costello.
[00:15:26] Unknown:
Oh, clerk.
[00:15:28] Unknown:
My friend Costello here would like to get a bathing suit. What would you suggest?
[00:15:33] Unknown:
Well, with his shape, I'd recommend, pair of trunk.
[00:15:37] Unknown:
Trunk? Yes. They're the only things that accommodate the excess baggage you're carrying.
[00:15:45] Unknown:
Now listen to you. I don't have to come into the store and have and get myself installed. I can stay home and read my fan mail, you know.
[00:15:54] Unknown:
Oh, come on, Costello. Take off your street and coat and let the man measure you. Okay.
[00:16:04] Unknown:
There. My. My. I see you have some girls' pictures tattooed on your chest. Who are they? Three three old sweethearts of mine. Sally, Irene, and Mary.
[00:16:15] Unknown:
I only see Irene and Mary. I wonder what's become
[00:16:19] Unknown:
of
[00:16:26] Unknown:
Clay, come on. Will you quit stalling around? Measure Castello. He's in a hurry. He wants to learn to swim so he can get a job at the beach. A lifesaver? No. Thanks. I never eat between meals. What kind of lifesavers I'm talking about? Dave Lye. That must be the new flavor. Tofanilamide.
[00:16:52] Unknown:
We have a seal out there.
[00:17:02] Unknown:
Now listen, Fatou.
[00:17:04] Unknown:
When I said you want to be a lifesaver, I didn't mean a lifesaver like the kind of lifesaver you buy when you buy lifesaver. I'm talking about the kind of lifesaver that saves lives. And that has nothing to do with the kind of lifesaver you buy when you buy lifesavers. Oh, you mean you're talking about the kind of lifesavers that you buy when you buy lifesavers. They have nothing to do with the kind of lifesavers that save lives. Not like the lifesavers you buy when you buy lifesavers. Now you've got it. If I've got it, you better drop a net over it before it gets away.
[00:17:27] Unknown:
Come on, Castello. Buy the bathing suit, and let's get out of here.
[00:17:37] Unknown:
Hello, brother bud. I see you brought one of those blown up rubber knife bread. Oh, oh, mark me that, Costello.
[00:17:51] Unknown:
Olive, Costello is ready for you to teach him to swim.
[00:17:54] Unknown:
Well, Costello, I'm all ready for the pool. I put on this new bathing suit just for you. It's backless and backless. Budweig Lord.
[00:18:04] Unknown:
Skinless and boneless.
[00:18:08] Unknown:
I love you. Look wonderful since you came out here to California.
[00:18:11] Unknown:
Ah, yes. This California weather is wonderful. You know, I've got California under my skin.
[00:18:17] Unknown:
Looks like a part of Texas crept under there too. Well, Costello, let's get on with your swimming lesson. Do you know anything about diving? Nope. I used to go with a girl who was a pretty good diver. The only trouble with her was that she was so skinny. Every time she made a jackknife dive, she cut herself in five places. I remember her. She was quite a diver. Oh, yes. Once she dived off a hundred foot board just like that diving champ. Buster Crab. Not only that, she flattened the mackerel. Oh, boy. Susan Miller gonna be proud of me. I got myself a job as lifeguard. That's wonderful, Costello.
How did you manage to do it? They hired me for three reasons. First, ability and intelligence. Second, courage and fortitude. Courage and fortitude. Well, what was the third reason? I was the only guy that applied for the job. Lester, I don't know how you ever got that job as lifeguard. You know absolutely nothing about the water. That's so. One time I swam five miles out in the ocean and suddenly I had a cramp and I couldn't move. How did you get back? Well, I got dizzy and my head started to swim, and it brought my body back to shore. Furthermore, I was in the navy, but they kicked me out because I like to sleep with the windows open. Why should they kick you out of the navy for sleeping with the window open? I was on a submarine at the time.
[00:19:51] Unknown:
You were in the navy.
[00:19:53] Unknown:
You told me you didn't know how to swim. Well, I was only kidding at it. When I was a little boy, I used to go swimming in a pond near Patterson. And now the city put up a sign on the pond that said, Blue Costello swam here.
[00:20:02] Unknown:
Who put up the sign? The Patterson Chamber of Commerce?
[00:20:05] Unknown:
No. The Patterson Board of Health. Do you think you know enough about life saving to be a lifeguard? I even learned all the lifeguard signal code. They signal with whistle like this. What does that mean? That means a tire is in trouble. Now listen to this one. What does that mean? That means a woman is in trouble. Are there any more? Here's another one.
[00:20:31] Unknown:
What does that mean? Man, looking for trouble. Here, I'll give you a practical lifeguard's test. Now you're in a you're a lifeguard. Suddenly, you see four helpless people out in the street clinging to an overturned boat. What do you do? Sit on the beach and read the funny paper. Why aren't you out there with those four helpless people clinging to that boat? There's no sense in five of us clinging to that boat. Oh, talk sense. Let's let's get down to the beach. I wanna get a load of you as a lifeguard. Hey, fat boy. Are you the new lifeguard?
Yes. I'm the new lifeguard. Who are you? Who am I? Read the letters on my sweatshirt.
[00:21:22] Unknown:
S l o b. Hey, Abbot. This guy's a slob.
[00:21:28] Unknown:
No. No. No. No. Costello. That's S l o b. That stands for superintendent, Los Angeles, ocean beaches. Superintendent, this this this is Costello. Well, fine. Fine. Now, Costello, all the lifeguards on this beach use the Australian crawl. They use the what? Australian crawl. Australian crawl. Did you ever see an Australian crawl? I was in Australia for two years. They walked just like you and me.
[00:22:00] Unknown:
One more question, Artelo. Who's you wanna find out the the condition of the water? What do you do? Well, if I wanted to find out how the water is, I just call a dog. You mean a dog and tell you how the water is? Sure. I'll show you. Look. Here's dog over here. Hey, doggy. Doggy. Doggy. Nice doggy. Come here, dog. Doggy, how was the water? Any more question?
[00:22:24] Unknown:
Gastello, I think you'll make a fine lifeguard. Now all you gotta do is pull beautiful girls out of the water when they're in trouble. The job is worth $60 a week. That's a little more cash than I have on me, but could I pay it in installments? Well, Gaston, let's get down to the beach and see if if there is anybody we know. How do you do? How do you do? How do you do? How do you do? How do you do? How do you do? Stella, what How do you do? What are you doing? Taking hands with an octopus.
[00:22:58] Unknown:
Yeah. But look at that stunning blonde of that black bathing suit. That's Stella. You are a real life god. You wouldn't give that blonde a second look. You alright? I won't give her a second look. That's better. I ain't through with the first look yet.
[00:23:15] Unknown:
Look, Gautela. There's a girl drowning. Here's that chance for you to be a hero. Quick. Swim out. Save her. Okay, Abbott. Here I go. Watch me swim. Abba, I'm back. Estella, where's the girl? Girl, it's your sister, Olive. She's out there fighting a shark. With the other lifeguard, you're supposed to help. Need help? Why should I help? That shark got himself into that trouble with
[00:23:49] Unknown:
your superiors.
[00:23:58] Unknown:
Hey, guys. It is Ryan. I'm not sure if you know this about me, but I'm a bit of a fun fanatic when I can. I like to work, but I like fun too. It's a thing. And now the truth is out there. I can tell you about my favorite place to have fun, Chumba Casino. They have hundreds of social casino style games to choose from with new games released each week. You can play for free anytime, anywhere, and each day brings a new chance to collect daily bonuses. So join me in the fun. Sign up now at chumbacasino.com. No purchase necessary. DGW. Avoid where prohibited by law. See terms and conditions, 18
Listen up, buttercup. It's time to get off your grab some weights, and get back in shape. But what's gonna be different this time? You're gonna sign up with the BODI app. That's BODI with an I. You know BODI for p 90 x and hundreds of proven programs that get you ripped, And they're all here on the app along with great new programs and all the nutrition and supplements you need to nail your routine. And right now, if you sign up for a one year subscription to BODY, you'll get an instant $30 discount, and the BODY app rocks. Rocks. CNN underscore just rated BODY the best fitness app, so you know it works. Will it be tough? Hell, yeah. But this is the structure you need to get the gains you want, and BODY stands behind your results. If you don't lose five to 10 pounds in your first thirty days, you don't pay. Now here's the deal. The next 500 people who sign up for a year of BODY get an instant $30 off. That saves you 59%, but this is a limited time offer. Just go to bODY.com, get your $30 off, and get started today. That's bodywithani.com.
[00:01:00] Unknown:
Hello. It is Ryan, and we could all use an extra bright spot in our day, couldn't we? Just to make up for things like sitting in traffic, doing the dishes, counting your steps, you know, all the mundane stuff. That is why I'm such a big fan of Chumba Casino. Chumba Casino has all your favorite social casino style games that you can play for free anytime, anywhere with daily bonuses. That should brighten your day, actually, a lot. So sign up now at ChumbaCasino.com. That's ChumbaCasino.com.
[00:01:31] Unknown:
No purchase necessary. DTEQ. Avoid prohibited by law. See terms and conditions, 18 plus. Alright. Alright. Stop all that yelling. Get that new car in the parking lot. Oh, I bought it from an old lady, Freshman. I gave her $500 on a bonus. Had to give the old lady a bonus? Yeah. But wasn't it? An old man. I know.
[00:01:57] Unknown:
Cogs sense, will you, Lou? Say, by the way, why is your uncle Mike going over to that water cooler?
[00:02:02] Unknown:
He drank a gallon of water. Haven't I ever saw a man in his 30s, uncle Mike? He drinks about $10 of water per day. Then at night, he goes in the living room, sits down in his favorite rocking chair. Then what does he do? He just sits there and rocks and splashes.
[00:02:16] Unknown:
Well, may maybe it's because your uncle might sail on the ocean for so many years.
[00:02:21] Unknown:
He'd sail all around the world, didn't he? Oh, yes. Yes. Indeed. Yes. He got a lot of souvenirs too, have it? He did. He's got a diamond from South Africa, jade necklace from China, whale bone sword from Alaska, and a hula skirt from a wire. Wait a minute. Where did he get that shrunken head? That's the barber's fault. He keeps putting those darn hot towels on him.
[00:02:42] Unknown:
Castello, I think you're an idiot.
[00:02:44] Unknown:
I beg your pardon? I say I think you're an idiot. You can't say that about me, Abbott. My family dates back to the pilgrim. We're all blue bloods.
[00:02:51] Unknown:
Who cares about about ancestors or heredity? I wouldn't care if my grandfather was a baboon.
[00:02:58] Unknown:
No. But it would make a lot of difference to your grandmother. I don't get smart, Costello. I'll have to slap you down. Oh, yeah? Yeah. As dumb as you are, it may be tougher. I'm so tough I can take Joe Louis apart and see what makes him tick. I can take Jack Dempsey apart too. Any champion in your name I can handle? How about the swimming champ, mister William? Could you take her apart? Look, Evan. Anything put together that good don't need tinkering with her. Yeah.
[00:03:27] Unknown:
Pastella. What? Love, come here. What's the matter with you, Pastella? You look terrible.
[00:03:32] Unknown:
How did you get those circles under your eyes? Well, I didn't sleep good last night. My brother packed him over to sleep with me, and he bought his brought over his pet's gunk and his two goats, and they slept at the foot of the bed. The air was terrible in that bedroom. Why didn't you open the window? What? Let my pigeons fly away? Why didn't you open the door? Every time I open the door, my pigs run out. Did you get any sleep at all? No. I stayed up until 06:00 in the morning reading the dictionary. You read the dictionary all night? Yeah. I couldn't wait to see how it ended.
[00:04:06] Unknown:
You idiot. The next thing you'll be telling me that you're reading the Los Angeles telephone. Uh-uh. Uh-uh. That's I wouldn't do. That's good. I'm waiting until they make a movie out of it. No wonder you can't sleep at night reading all that junk.
[00:04:21] Unknown:
Well, I'm not the only one who can't sleep. My aunt May is up all night. What you got, miss Sonia? No. Before she goes to bed, she puts on face cream, hand cream, vanishing cream, body cream, and foot cream. Well, how does that keep her awake? She keeps sliding out of the bed. We've got to move out of that house, Abbot. I haven't slept the night since we live there. I keep looking out the window at that blonde that lives across the street. Why don't you pull down the shade? I can't reach across the street.
[00:04:52] Unknown:
Same one. You're picking it blonde.
[00:04:54] Unknown:
I thought you were interested in Susan Miller. Well, no. I'm mad at her. You went in the store yesterday and bought a hat and made me pay for it. Why you cheapskate? I'm a cheapskate. You're the cheapskate, Abbott. Your wife told me that last week you sat in a cellar for three nights. Well, how does that make me a cheapskate? But 10¢, you could have baited the trap with real cheese. Right.
[00:05:15] Unknown:
Just the same. You shouldn't object to buying something a a new hat. After all, a hat is a woman's crowning glory. When a woman walks down the street, what do you notice first? Her figure? No. Her face? No. Her leg? No.
[00:05:31] Unknown:
You noticed her head? Look, Abbot. All the kids are in bed now. Let's give the right answer.
[00:05:44] Unknown:
Just, How do you manage how do you manage to increase your stupidity and ignorance? I've been putting in a lot of overtime, Libby. You wouldn't be so ignorant if you read the papers and kept up with what's going on. I read the papers. Alright then. Tell me. What do you think of universal military training? I don't think it's fair. Why? Universal is gonna have military training. They should give it to RKO, MGM, Republic, Columbia, Monterey, and Fox.
[00:06:13] Unknown:
It's saying nothing to beagle line in Nassau Studios. Universal military training is designed to put more young men in the army. I hope that they put me in the army, they'll give me back my old job. What's that? Deserted.
[00:06:28] Unknown:
You were a deserter in the army?
[00:06:30] Unknown:
Oh, I was just kidding. I was one of the bravest guys in the army. And all the battles, I was right with a bullet square of thickets. Where was that? Underneath the ammunition truck. That's what I thought. I just threw that in. I should have thrown it out. I think you should have. Hello. Costello. Mister Costello. Hey, would you like to go out on a double date with me tonight? Who are the girls? Well, there are a couple of hula dancers from Salt Lake City. They got hula dancers in Salt Lake City? Yes. With all that salt, they've got to have a few shakers. How do you like that? He forgot to tell me where to meet them.
[00:07:04] Unknown:
Why don't you get girls off your mind? Cassello, the only thing that will cure you is married. I was like you until I got my wife on a string. On a string? You should have had her on a leash.
[00:07:15] Unknown:
I don't wanna get married anyway, Evan. Married life is like driving the wrong way on a one way street. Why? Everybody starts yelling at you when it's too late to back out. Anyway, I'm too young to get married. I'm only 21, and I don't know my own mind. You You don't know your own
[00:07:29] Unknown:
age either.
[00:07:32] Unknown:
Just a minute, please. Don't know his own age. Show me in the script where it says that.
[00:07:44] Unknown:
It's not in there. That's right. Wait till I get back.
[00:07:52] Unknown:
I'm here. Now wait. I just made it up. So what?
[00:07:56] Unknown:
No. I like to get off a good joke too.
[00:07:59] Unknown:
You better get off that one before it actually starts.
[00:08:02] Unknown:
Hey. That's pretty good. We keep this up. I can I can throw my strip away?
[00:08:07] Unknown:
You're reading a script?
[00:08:11] Unknown:
I understand that, Betty Grable asked me for a date last night. Yes. But I turned it down. Why? She's no Hetty Lamar, you know. And why don't you go out with Hetty Lamar? She's no Lana Turner. Why don't you go out with Lana Turner?
[00:08:23] Unknown:
She's no Betty Grable. Wait a minute, Costello. We're right back where we started. I know, but look where we've been. Look.
[00:08:36] Unknown:
Why don't you
[00:08:39] Unknown:
why don't you quit chasing girls Close to Susan Miller. I did have it. I took her for a ride last night, and I asked her to marry me. Did she answer you in the affirmative? No. She answered me in the car.
[00:08:50] Unknown:
Lucky you, dummy. When you proposed, you had hopes.
[00:08:54] Unknown:
Did her answer coincide with that hope? Why should she go inside with hope? She was sitting outside in the car with me.
[00:09:01] Unknown:
Look, Gaston. Listen, Gaston. Please. Let hope get his own girl. Alright. Listen to me. I'm I'm only trying to find out about the girls we had last night, you and I. Alright. Let's not talk about that. We had no kick coming. I'm not kicking. You had the best luck of mine. Alright. Yours head, Keith. Alright. Yours had teeth too. You see that tooth? Yes, I saw that tooth.
[00:09:28] Unknown:
Mine had so much bridge work every time I kissed her, I had to pay toll. All right.
[00:09:37] Unknown:
I'm always
[00:09:40] Unknown:
trying to find my place again, Tom.
[00:09:46] Unknown:
I'm trying to find out yourself. You asked Susan to marry. Right. All right. That's the line I was looking for. That was a tough line to find. Right place. Russell, I'm trying to find out how you proposed. Were you, poetic? Poetic. Yeah. I was poetic. You know what? I wrote her a beautiful poem. I swell.
[00:10:17] Unknown:
Goes like this to Susan Miller. Susan, our marriage would be so dandy, as sweet as a five pound box of candy. I'll be your pop, and you'd be my lolly, just like Fibber McGee and Molly.
[00:10:35] Unknown:
Boys?
[00:10:36] Unknown:
Well, look. Look, I tell it's Susan Miller.
[00:10:46] Unknown:
Susan, you look wonderful tonight. In parenthesis, no. Do I smell Christmas night?
[00:10:58] Unknown:
I don't know, Costello. I've never been out with you on Christmas night.
[00:11:06] Unknown:
I'm out with them every night. That's wonderful perfume you have on Abbott. What is that?
[00:11:10] Unknown:
This is here? Yes. Oh, Chanel. Ten dollars a bottle. $10 a bottle. Chanel. Get a load of this. What is that? 10¢ a bottle. Susan, that's a lovely dress you're wearing. Thank you. I knitted it myself. It certainly pleases, doesn't it? Yes. It looks like it's afraid to let go.
[00:11:32] Unknown:
Susan, if you wanna lend me $10, I'll take you off tonight. Costello,
[00:11:36] Unknown:
I never lend money. Lending money breaks friendship. Money is the root of all evil, and you should never let money stand in the way of a friendship. Now which would you rather have, the money or my friendship?
[00:11:48] Unknown:
Could you could you let me have it in small bills?
[00:11:56] Unknown:
Shame on you trying to borrow money from Susan. Here, I'll give you $10.
[00:12:00] Unknown:
Now where are you going to take Susan? Some high class spot where we can remember. Facelita, do you know how to remember? Oh, sure. Just get out of the just get out on the floor and make out like you got a broken crankshaft. How about it, Susan? Is it a date? Oh, I'm not going out with you on borrowed money. Get some money of your own. Why don't you get a job? Well, I had a job as a grease monkey, but I quit. Why? I found out you can't make no money, grease monkey. They're slippery little something.
[00:12:32] Unknown:
Gosh, Stella, why don't you tell why don't you tell your invention? If it makes money that way. Giselle,
[00:12:38] Unknown:
you have an invention? Oh, sure. Good one too. I invented a new safety mask. No matter what you do to it, you can't strike it. It won't light, and it won't burn.
[00:12:47] Unknown:
Well, what's a match like that good for? For people that don't smoke.
[00:12:53] Unknown:
Hey, Costello. Why don't you take Susan down to the beach? That won't cost you any money.
[00:12:58] Unknown:
No? No money at all. Well, nothing doing. I was down on the beach last Sunday. I fell asleep on a sand and butter. Did I get sunburn? Were you really sunburned? Susan, I was so red. When I woke up, a lobster was trying to drag me under the boardwalk.
[00:13:16] Unknown:
Yeah. I asked Sissy. Why don't you take Susan to the beach?
[00:13:35] Unknown:
Good. Costello isn't my type. The man I want must be Roman. He must see me as a drifting boat without a sail on the storm tossed sea of life, and he must pilot me into the harbor of matrimony.
[00:13:49] Unknown:
You don't want a man. You want the coast guard.
[00:14:03] Unknown:
I'm I'm sorry, Costello, but the kind of man I could go for is the outdoor type, the type you see down at the beach. That's the guy that rings the bell for me. I knew it, Abbot. She's in love with a good human man. Costello, I'm speaking of the lifeguard. Goodbye.
[00:14:22] Unknown:
Well, Pastello, it looks like the only way you can win Susan is to become a lifeguard. I'll do it, Abbot. I can see myself now fronting into the sea, dragging beautiful beautiful damsels out of the water to safety. I'll be the Loch Andvar of Long Beach, the pride of Pismo, the octopus of Ocean Park. Now you're talking. There's only one thing that might hold me back. What's that? I can't swim.
[00:14:43] Unknown:
Gautela, I've got some good news for you. My sister, Oliver, is going to let you use her swimming pool so you can learn how to swim and become a lifeguard. Who knows? You may turn out to be one of the greatest swimmers in the country. Yeah. But I'll be the next thing, Esther Williams. You dummy Esther Williams is a girl. You mean you'll be next to Johnny Weismuller. You get next to who you like, and I'll get next to who I like. All right. Never mind. Let's go in this store. I'm going to buy you a bathing suit.
[00:15:09] Unknown:
Yeah. They have it. They got nice things in the store. There's a red bathing suit that would fit me. That's not a bathing suit. That's a suit of long underwear. Oh, shucks. And I was figuring out carrying my water wings in that big back pocket.
[00:15:25] Unknown:
Stop it, Costello.
[00:15:26] Unknown:
Oh, clerk.
[00:15:28] Unknown:
My friend Costello here would like to get a bathing suit. What would you suggest?
[00:15:33] Unknown:
Well, with his shape, I'd recommend, pair of trunk.
[00:15:37] Unknown:
Trunk? Yes. They're the only things that accommodate the excess baggage you're carrying.
[00:15:45] Unknown:
Now listen to you. I don't have to come into the store and have and get myself installed. I can stay home and read my fan mail, you know.
[00:15:54] Unknown:
Oh, come on, Costello. Take off your street and coat and let the man measure you. Okay.
[00:16:04] Unknown:
There. My. My. I see you have some girls' pictures tattooed on your chest. Who are they? Three three old sweethearts of mine. Sally, Irene, and Mary.
[00:16:15] Unknown:
I only see Irene and Mary. I wonder what's become
[00:16:19] Unknown:
of
[00:16:26] Unknown:
Clay, come on. Will you quit stalling around? Measure Castello. He's in a hurry. He wants to learn to swim so he can get a job at the beach. A lifesaver? No. Thanks. I never eat between meals. What kind of lifesavers I'm talking about? Dave Lye. That must be the new flavor. Tofanilamide.
[00:16:52] Unknown:
We have a seal out there.
[00:17:02] Unknown:
Now listen, Fatou.
[00:17:04] Unknown:
When I said you want to be a lifesaver, I didn't mean a lifesaver like the kind of lifesaver you buy when you buy lifesaver. I'm talking about the kind of lifesaver that saves lives. And that has nothing to do with the kind of lifesaver you buy when you buy lifesavers. Oh, you mean you're talking about the kind of lifesavers that you buy when you buy lifesavers. They have nothing to do with the kind of lifesavers that save lives. Not like the lifesavers you buy when you buy lifesavers. Now you've got it. If I've got it, you better drop a net over it before it gets away.
[00:17:27] Unknown:
Come on, Castello. Buy the bathing suit, and let's get out of here.
[00:17:37] Unknown:
Hello, brother bud. I see you brought one of those blown up rubber knife bread. Oh, oh, mark me that, Costello.
[00:17:51] Unknown:
Olive, Costello is ready for you to teach him to swim.
[00:17:54] Unknown:
Well, Costello, I'm all ready for the pool. I put on this new bathing suit just for you. It's backless and backless. Budweig Lord.
[00:18:04] Unknown:
Skinless and boneless.
[00:18:08] Unknown:
I love you. Look wonderful since you came out here to California.
[00:18:11] Unknown:
Ah, yes. This California weather is wonderful. You know, I've got California under my skin.
[00:18:17] Unknown:
Looks like a part of Texas crept under there too. Well, Costello, let's get on with your swimming lesson. Do you know anything about diving? Nope. I used to go with a girl who was a pretty good diver. The only trouble with her was that she was so skinny. Every time she made a jackknife dive, she cut herself in five places. I remember her. She was quite a diver. Oh, yes. Once she dived off a hundred foot board just like that diving champ. Buster Crab. Not only that, she flattened the mackerel. Oh, boy. Susan Miller gonna be proud of me. I got myself a job as lifeguard. That's wonderful, Costello.
How did you manage to do it? They hired me for three reasons. First, ability and intelligence. Second, courage and fortitude. Courage and fortitude. Well, what was the third reason? I was the only guy that applied for the job. Lester, I don't know how you ever got that job as lifeguard. You know absolutely nothing about the water. That's so. One time I swam five miles out in the ocean and suddenly I had a cramp and I couldn't move. How did you get back? Well, I got dizzy and my head started to swim, and it brought my body back to shore. Furthermore, I was in the navy, but they kicked me out because I like to sleep with the windows open. Why should they kick you out of the navy for sleeping with the window open? I was on a submarine at the time.
[00:19:51] Unknown:
You were in the navy.
[00:19:53] Unknown:
You told me you didn't know how to swim. Well, I was only kidding at it. When I was a little boy, I used to go swimming in a pond near Patterson. And now the city put up a sign on the pond that said, Blue Costello swam here.
[00:20:02] Unknown:
Who put up the sign? The Patterson Chamber of Commerce?
[00:20:05] Unknown:
No. The Patterson Board of Health. Do you think you know enough about life saving to be a lifeguard? I even learned all the lifeguard signal code. They signal with whistle like this. What does that mean? That means a tire is in trouble. Now listen to this one. What does that mean? That means a woman is in trouble. Are there any more? Here's another one.
[00:20:31] Unknown:
What does that mean? Man, looking for trouble. Here, I'll give you a practical lifeguard's test. Now you're in a you're a lifeguard. Suddenly, you see four helpless people out in the street clinging to an overturned boat. What do you do? Sit on the beach and read the funny paper. Why aren't you out there with those four helpless people clinging to that boat? There's no sense in five of us clinging to that boat. Oh, talk sense. Let's let's get down to the beach. I wanna get a load of you as a lifeguard. Hey, fat boy. Are you the new lifeguard?
Yes. I'm the new lifeguard. Who are you? Who am I? Read the letters on my sweatshirt.
[00:21:22] Unknown:
S l o b. Hey, Abbot. This guy's a slob.
[00:21:28] Unknown:
No. No. No. No. Costello. That's S l o b. That stands for superintendent, Los Angeles, ocean beaches. Superintendent, this this this is Costello. Well, fine. Fine. Now, Costello, all the lifeguards on this beach use the Australian crawl. They use the what? Australian crawl. Australian crawl. Did you ever see an Australian crawl? I was in Australia for two years. They walked just like you and me.
[00:22:00] Unknown:
One more question, Artelo. Who's you wanna find out the the condition of the water? What do you do? Well, if I wanted to find out how the water is, I just call a dog. You mean a dog and tell you how the water is? Sure. I'll show you. Look. Here's dog over here. Hey, doggy. Doggy. Doggy. Nice doggy. Come here, dog. Doggy, how was the water? Any more question?
[00:22:24] Unknown:
Gastello, I think you'll make a fine lifeguard. Now all you gotta do is pull beautiful girls out of the water when they're in trouble. The job is worth $60 a week. That's a little more cash than I have on me, but could I pay it in installments? Well, Gaston, let's get down to the beach and see if if there is anybody we know. How do you do? How do you do? How do you do? How do you do? How do you do? How do you do? Stella, what How do you do? What are you doing? Taking hands with an octopus.
[00:22:58] Unknown:
Yeah. But look at that stunning blonde of that black bathing suit. That's Stella. You are a real life god. You wouldn't give that blonde a second look. You alright? I won't give her a second look. That's better. I ain't through with the first look yet.
[00:23:15] Unknown:
Look, Gautela. There's a girl drowning. Here's that chance for you to be a hero. Quick. Swim out. Save her. Okay, Abbott. Here I go. Watch me swim. Abba, I'm back. Estella, where's the girl? Girl, it's your sister, Olive. She's out there fighting a shark. With the other lifeguard, you're supposed to help. Need help? Why should I help? That shark got himself into that trouble with
[00:23:49] Unknown:
your superiors.
[00:23:58] Unknown:
Hey, guys. It is Ryan. I'm not sure if you know this about me, but I'm a bit of a fun fanatic when I can. I like to work, but I like fun too. It's a thing. And now the truth is out there. I can tell you about my favorite place to have fun, Chumba Casino. They have hundreds of social casino style games to choose from with new games released each week. You can play for free anytime, anywhere, and each day brings a new chance to collect daily bonuses. So join me in the fun. Sign up now at chumbacasino.com. No purchase necessary. DGW. Avoid where prohibited by law. See terms and conditions, 18
The Mundane and the Casino
Family Antics and Water Cooler Tales
Costello's Sleepless Night
Universal Military Training Debate
Dating Dilemmas and Marriage Views
Poetic Proposals and Financial Woes
The Lifeguard Ambition
Swimming Lessons and Lifeguard Training
Beachside Shenanigans
