In this lively episode, we dive into the comedic world of Abbott and Costello, exploring their classic routines and humorous banter. The duo takes us on a journey through a series of sketches, including a hilarious take on baseball, where Costello is humorously mistaken for a potential replacement for Joe DiMaggio on the New York Yankees. Their iconic "Who's on First" routine is a highlight, showcasing their impeccable timing and wit.
We also explore the world of Chumba Casino, where listeners can enjoy a variety of social casino-style games and potentially win cash prizes. The episode is peppered with humorous exchanges, misunderstandings, and classic comedic setups that keep the audience entertained. Additionally, there's a nod to the wartime era with references to Camel cigarettes and their popularity among smokers, adding a nostalgic touch to the show.
(00:00) Introduction and Chumba Casino
(01:14) Camel Cigarettes and Comedy
(03:13) Costello's Baseball Ambitions
(08:53) Experience is the Best Teacher
(12:24) Baseball Training and Humor
(19:21) Shopping for Baseball Gear
(24:38) Who's on First Routine
(29:05) Closing Remarks and Announcements
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[00:00:01]
Unknown:
Okay. Round two. Name something that's not boring.
[00:00:05] Unknown:
A laundry? Oh, a book club. Computer solitaire.
[00:00:12] Unknown:
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[00:00:30] Unknown:
It is Ryan here, and I have a question for you. What do you do when you win? Like, are you a fist pumper, a woo hooer, a hand clapper, a high fiver? I kinda like the high five, but if you wanna hone in on those winning moves, check out Chumba Casino. At chumbacasino.com, choose from hundreds of social casino style games for your chance to redeem serious cash prizes. There are new game releases weekly plus free daily bonuses, so don't wait. Start having the most fun ever at chumbacasino.com.
[00:01:14] Unknown:
C a m e l s. That's right, folks. C for comedy, a for Abbott, m for Maxwell, e for Ennis, l for Luke Costello. Put them all together and they spell camel. Experience is the best teacher. Try a camel. Let your own experience tell you why more people are smoking camels than ever before. And draw up a chair for tonight's camels show, starring Fudd Avenue and Luke Costello.
[00:01:58] Unknown:
Hey, Costello. Costello, come here. Costello, would you come over here, please? Will you listen to me? What are you writing on that pad? Hey, Emmett. What are you writing on that pad? I'm just making out a list of girls I'm gonna kiss next week. Here's who I got picked out. Lizzie Schwartz, Maggie Muggle Meyer, Tushy Tinfoil, Lana Turner Now wait a minute. Lana Turner wouldn't kiss you. Oh, no? Oh, no. Then I'll scratch you off my list. I love you. You dummy always thinking of girls. Girls, girls, girls. A great man don't waste their time on girls. Where do you suppose Benjamin Franklin would have been if you'd have thought of girls all of the time? In the front row at Earl Carroll's? No. No. No. Pastel, I've been telling you for the past three weeks. You've gotta quit chasing girls and get yourself a job. Look at look how sloppy you are. Look at your socks. I can't help my socks have it. It's those new Hickok plastic garners. What's the matter with them? Your socks suck. Stay up with your legs pulled out. Yeah.
Lou Costello. Tell me about Lou Costello. Here, boy. Out of the way, Fatso.
[00:03:13] Unknown:
How do you do? Wait a
[00:03:17] Unknown:
minute. Wait a minute. That ain't me. That's the mad Russian. You're saying? I'm a who's gonna take it to, Brad? I'll take it. It's collect. $14. Here, take it. Oh, give it to me. Here, boy. Hey, Costello. This telegram is from Joe DiMaggio. Listen to this. Dear Lou, as you know, I am recovering from a foot operation. I would appreciate appreciate you taking my place appreciate you taking my place on the New York Yankees until I recover. Please report to the Yankee Stadium immediately. Sign Joe DiMaggio. Abbot. Hey. That's the news. That's the news I've been waiting for. I'm gonna be a big league ball player. Yes. DiMaggio probably heard about my playing with the Cucamonga Wildcats last year. You are ball player. I don't believe it, Costello. You know nothing about ball. Oh, no. I eat baseball. I live baseball. All night when I'm asleep, I dream about baseball. Don't you ever dream about girls? What? And miss might turn up a at that time? Oh. What's the matter with you?
Yes. And another thing, Abbot, what page are you on? Never mind. What page are you on? Never mind. What page are you on? And another thing, Abbot, Not only that, in Paterson, New Jersey, I worked out with a baseball team. I used to stay out till 04:00 in the morning. Why did you stay out till 04:00 in the morning? This was a girl's baseball team. I still have you been a play with the New York Yankees? If you really have to know something about big league baseball, Lou. I know all about baseball. Alright. Suppose there's a left handed pitcher pitching. What do you do? I put in a right handed batter. Now suppose there's a right handed pitcher pitching. I put in a left handed batter. But now I trick you. I take out the right handed pitcher and put in a left handed pitcher. And I double cross you. I take out my left handed batter and put in a right handed batter. Now wait a minute. Where are you getting all those right handed batters? The same place where you're getting all those left handed pitchers.
[00:05:06] Unknown:
Hello, bud. Hello, Louis, honey. It's, it's Marilyn Maxwell.
[00:05:18] Unknown:
Hello, Marilyn. I've got great news. I'm gonna play ball with the New York Yankees. I'm taking you along as a pitcher. Oh, no, Costello. Marilyn Maxwell can't pitch. Oh, no. You should see all the guys she struck out that were trying to get the first base. This kid has got some nice curves. Alright.
[00:05:35] Unknown:
Oh, Louis. You're so sweet. But I do hope you be careful. You know, big league baseball is a very dangerous game. Oh, what's dangerous about baseball, Maryland? Well, I read in a paper this morning that in the opening game in Boston, Five Players died on base.
[00:05:51] Unknown:
Maryland. You don't seem to know much about baseball. Let me show you how to play indoor baseball. First, I put my left arm around your waist, then I snuggle my head on your shoulder like this, then I press my cheek against your cheek. Oh, wait a minute, Costello. That's not the way to play indoor baseball. How do you like that? Every season, new rules. Well, goodbye and good luck, Lewis. I just know you'll become famous for those New York Yankees. Merrill is right, goddammit. This is your chance to become famous. Now you've got a good job as a baseball player, and you might find your proper niche in life. Yes. I might. I mean, after all, if I find my what will I find? An itch. An itch. You'll find your niche.
Habit. When I find a itch, I scratch it. No. What in the world are you talking about? An itch. I once had the seven year itch. What happened? I scratched real fast and got rid of it in three and a half years. I'm not talking about that kind of an itch. I mean, an itch in life. An itch in life is what everyone is looking for. Anyone who is successful has found an itch. Paul, if that's the case, I know an air dealer that's doing very well. I have another listen to me, Costello. When I say a niche, I don't mean an itch like you have when you have an itch. I mean a niche like you have when you have an itch. I mean a niche like you have when you have an itch. I mean a niche like you have when you have a notch. Oh, you don't mean an itch like an itch when you have an itch. You mean an itch like you have when you have a notch. Now you've got it. Now I've got it. I don't even know what I'm talking about. Marcelo, why do you mash everything up like that? You're the most mixed up fan I ever saw. Well, maybe it's because I fell on my mother's mix master this morning. She had it set for mashed potatoes.
Oh, I know. You're wrong, mommy. I know that. Idiot. All I'm trying to tell you is that a niche is a notch. Catch? Notch. Notch. Alright. I know that a niche is a notch. You know that both of them are the same. You know, I could have a notch and you could have a niche. Yes. Niche to me and notch to you. Yeah. Mister Boley, I know this. I'm only trying to impress you to the importance of being a big big big role player and having a good income. Did Mhmm. Just as I thought. You've drawn one too many already. That's not I would you listen to me, please? When I say you draw a salary, I mean you draw money. Now he's got me drawing money. Wait till the FBI finds out about this. I'll probably draw twenty years in a clink, and they don't feed you any celery in there either. Cut, teller. When I say you draw money, I mean, you draw like you draw money to spend it. Not not like when you draw on an easel. That's what I always say. With money, it's easel come, easel go. Everybody draws money. I draw money. I've been drawing money for years. My brother draws money. He's been drawing money for years. You draw and your brother draws? Certainly. Just as I thought. You and your brother are an old pair of drawers.
[00:08:53] Unknown:
Experience is the best teacher. It happened shortly after the end of the war. Two cigarettes glow in the dusk on the veranda of a country house as a man and woman are chatting.
[00:09:03] Unknown:
The woman remarks Robert, you've changed your cigarette brand. This is a camel. I can tell without even looking. Yes. I have changed my brand.
[00:09:12] Unknown:
You know how we smoked whatever cigarettes we could get during the war? Don't I? Yes. I must have tried all the brands during that shortage. That's when I found I liked Camel's best. And weren't you right? Yes. Experience is the best teacher. During the wartime shortage, people smoked whatever cigarettes they could get. It was this experience that taught millions the differences in cigarette quality. As smokers tried cigarette after cigarette on their t zones, that's t for taste and t for throat, It was Camel's rich full flavor and cool mildness that stood out from all the others. The result? Today, more people smoke Camel's than ever before. Experience is the best teacher.
Try a Camel. And while you light up a camel, here's Skinny Annis with Linda. When I go to sleep, I never can sleep. I count all the charms about Linda. Lately, it seems all of my dreams. I walk with my arms about Linda. But what good does it do me? Fallen that doesn't know I exist and help feeling gloomy. Think of all the loving I've missed. We pass on the street. My heart skips a beat. I say to myself, hello Linda. If only she'd smile. I'd stop for a while. And then I would get to know Linda. But miracles still happening. And when my lucky star begins to shine, with one lucky break, I'll make Linda
[00:11:10] Unknown:
mine.
[00:11:37] Unknown:
As on the street, my heart skips the beat. I say to myself, hello, Linda. If only she'd smile. I'd stop for a while, and then I would get to know Linda. But miracles still and when I let the You wanna be a big,
[00:12:23] Unknown:
league ball player, you've got to get yourself in shape. Now from 8AM to 9AM, you lift weights. From nine to ten, deep knee bend. 10 to eleven, skip rope. 11 to twelve, run five miles. 12 to one, I'll never make it. I hear you lost. You idiot, you'll never be a ball player, staying up late and going to nightclubs, eating rich food, running around with beautiful girls, do you know what can happen to you? Yes. I can become manager of the Brooklyn Dodgers. I
[00:12:52] Unknown:
Not shallow.
[00:12:53] Unknown:
I don't even know why the manager picked you. You don't even know how to swing a bat. I know all about swinging bats. When I was a kid, my father used to hit me with a baseball bat. My brother used to hit me with a baseball bat. My uncle Artie Stevens used to hit me with a baseball bat, and my mother used to hit me with a tennis racket. With a tennis racket? Yes. She didn't like baseball. Well, well, it's Billy Ernest. Hey, Costello.
[00:13:14] Unknown:
I heard about you taking, Joe DiMaggio's place for the New York Yankees. That's right. You know, I used to pitch for the Hollywood Stars, and boy, I'll never forget my last game.
[00:13:23] Unknown:
There were five men on base. No. No. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait.
[00:13:30] Unknown:
Wait Had the biggest buck teeth you ever saw. I was the only man on the team that could slide in second base and spike you from either end.
[00:13:47] Unknown:
Well, go on fast though. Slow skinny. Slow. Hey. You know that skinny would make a ugly skeleton. Alright. I'm gonna waste time with him. Now you've gotta get ready for the open game. Yes. I think we're gonna play the Cleveland Indians. Cleveland Indians. Uh-huh. Fellow pitching? Certainly, there's a fellow pitching. Who do you think they'd use a girl? Oh, I hear you. I know they don't use a girl. I said feller pitching. What feller? Feller with the Cleveland Indians. Look at it. There's nine guys on the Cleveland team. Now which feller are you talking about? Feller that pitches. There is only one feller with Cleveland. You mean nine Yankees are gonna play against one fella? That's right.
You mean there's no fellas in the outfield? No. And there's no fellas in the infield? No. Cleveland only has one fella. Well, this fella must be pretty good. If if they don't need he don't need any other players but himself. Look. All the players will be out there helping him. You just said there was only one fella on the team. That's right. Then where did all them other fellas come from? Oh, you idiot. When I say there's only one fella on the team, I mean there is only one fella that pitches. Well, Abbott, when the manager of the team wants this pitcher, what does he call him? Feller. You mean he just hollers, hey, Feller. And this guy knows that they mean him? That's right. Woo hoo. His name is Feller. Feller. Bob Feller. And when I say there is only one feller on the team that pitches, that's it. And the fella that pitches is fella. There's only the other fellas on the team, but there's, only one fella.
Boy, are you mixed up. Oh, you mean the fella that pitches is fellas. And there's other fellas on the team, but they're not fellas? Now you've grasped it. Yes. I grasped it, but it keeps slipping out of my hand. Let's go into this sporting goods store and get your baseball equipment. I want you to look right for the opening game. Go ahead and ask that lady there where they keep the baseball uniform. Pardon me, miss? Well, if it isn't mister Albert Hello? And mister Costello.
[00:15:44] Unknown:
Hello. You soft little man, you.
[00:15:49] Unknown:
What are you doing in the sporting this on this? Oh, I just delved in to get a gift for my Northview. I'm buying him a Bosball.
[00:15:57] Unknown:
Bosball? Bosball? Abbot, you know what a Bosball is? That's what the poocher throws to the coocher. And the pooter tries to boot a home run.
[00:16:14] Unknown:
My, my nephew is just a local chope, but his ambition is to be a Brooklyn Dozier, Caughtcher.
[00:16:22] Unknown:
Well, if he's only a little guy, why don't he join the deep troop toogers and be a short stoop?
[00:16:33] Unknown:
Well, I must be going. As we say in Chinese, I should go eat hot chili on who's better you.
[00:16:39] Unknown:
And a dish of gooey chop suey and a pussy you too. Hey, love that for me. It doesn't for sale for now. Oh, good morning, boys.
[00:16:50] Unknown:
As Johnny Weismeller said to Buster Crabbe, what dive did you come out of?
[00:16:56] Unknown:
Well, my friend and I are here to get some baseball equipment. I'd like to see a baseball uniform that would fit Costello. So would I.
[00:17:05] Unknown:
Look, as Adam said to Eve, quit ribbing me. However, I'll do the best I can. We'll start with the spiked shoes. What size do you wear? Eight. Oh, let me see. I've only got one pair left and they're size five. Maybe you can squeeze into them, Costello. Go ahead and try. Okay.
[00:17:27] Unknown:
What do you know? Open toed fishbowl shoes.
[00:17:31] Unknown:
Now for the uniform. My, you're certainly a pudgy little rascal, aren't you? Really? Aren't you overweight?
[00:17:39] Unknown:
I'm about a hundred and twenty pounds overweight, but I'm going back to my normal weight. Yes. That's normal. Sixty pounds overweight. Oh, gosh. You you should really go on a diet. Yeah. Of course, you know what a diet is, don't you? Oh, sure. That's where you can eat all you want of everything you don't like.
[00:17:54] Unknown:
Young man, if you really wanna reduce, why don't you exercise with a couple of dumbbells?
[00:17:58] Unknown:
Okay. I'm ready whenever you and Abito are. I know. Oh, we gotta get your baseball equipment. Mister, do you have any bats? Oh, certainly. Here's a fine bat, autographed by slaughter of the cardinals. This bat was made for slaughter. Ain't you got one that was made for baseball? When he says slaughter, he means slaughter the baseball player. Slaughter the baseball player? Well, that bet you could slaughter anybody.
[00:18:23] Unknown:
You don't know, doctor. I'm talking about slaughter. Everybody knows slaughter. He knows slaughter.
[00:18:29] Unknown:
Well, maybe he knows slaughter, but I don't know. Well, we need everybody knows Slaughter the baseball player. Slaughter is the man's last name. What's his first name? Eno's. Now there's a clever guy. Eno's his first name. Oh, look. Don't forget about the bad luck, mister. Do you have a baseball cap that will fit Costello's head? What size pencil sharpener does he wear? Yeah.
[00:18:48] Unknown:
Oh, oh, a baseball cap. Oh, yes. Here's a dandy.
[00:18:52] Unknown:
This is the kind fellow wears. What fellow? The fellow with the Cleveland Indians. There's nine players with the Cleveland Indians. Which fellow are you talking about? Oh, young man. When I say fellow with the Cleveland Indians, I am only referring to one fellow, the fellow that pitches with the Cleveland Indians. When you say the fellow with the Cleveland Indians, you're only referring to one fellow, the fellow that pitches for the Cleveland Indians. Yeah. As Orville said to Wilbur,
[00:19:14] Unknown:
you're
[00:19:16] Unknown:
right. How do you like that? Not at all. I will change your sporting good story. Oh, forget about him, Custer. Hey. Wait a minute. I've got an idea. Missus Wetwash's late husband used to be a big league bay ball player. Now he was a home run king in other words. Now maybe he should give you one of his bats for good luck. Let's go over to her house and ask her. Oh, okay. I'll I'll go right over now. You're right, Abbot. As John Adams said to Henry Wadsworth, long fella how do you like that? I forgot what John Adams said to Henry Wadsworth Longfellow. Well, good morning, missus
[00:19:54] Unknown:
Oh, hello, mister Abbott. Oh, my. You know you ought to muzzle that thing Bernard dog.
[00:20:00] Unknown:
Oh, oh, pardon me. It's Costello.
[00:20:04] Unknown:
Tell me, Costello. How are things in Gawker, moron?
[00:20:10] Unknown:
Mister Whitwas, I wish you hadn't said that. I was just telling Abbott your face reminds me of a rose. Oh, really? An American Beauty rose? No. A rhinoceros. Take care of Costello. Missus Whitwash, Costello is leaving for me off to join Joe DiMaggio's play. Take Joe's place. Isn't that wonderful? Is he going to play with the Yanks? Oh, I can't believe. Yes? What do those big Yanks form with a little jerk like this? Missus Whitwash, that was an insult. I'll have you know that beautiful women find me irresistible. I don't find you irresistible.
And I don't find you beautiful. Why, I just asked her for those baseball bats her husband left her. Okay. Mrs. Whitwash, I understand when your husband was alive, he had a lot of old bats. That's a lie. He never went out with anybody but me. Missus Whitwash, Costello means your husband's, baseball bats. You see, he thought you might give him one of them. Yes. That's right, missus Whitwash. You see, I need a good bat. Oh, you need a good bat. I'll be glad to help you out. Can I have the bat right now? Right now.
[00:21:19] Unknown:
Hello. Present lovely Marilyn Maxwell for Metro Golden Mayor, Producers of the sea of grass. For Camel fans everywhere in honor of New Orleans Jazz Week, Marilyn sings for the first time on the air, the title song of the picture, New Orleans.
[00:21:33] Unknown:
Do you know what it means to miss New Orleans and miss it each night and day? I know I'm not wrong. I'm feeling getting stronger the longer I stay away.
[00:21:58] Unknown:
It's the moss covered vines,
[00:22:02] Unknown:
the tall sugar pine where mockingbirds use to sing. And I'd like to see the lazy Mississippi hurrying in to spring. More. I miss the one I care for, more than I miss New Orleans. More than I miss New Orleans.
[00:23:40] Unknown:
According to a recent nationwide survey, more doctors smoke Camels than any other cigarette. Three leading independent research organizations asked this question of 113,597 doctors. What cigarette do you smoke, doctor? The brand name most was Camel. Now you probably enjoy rich full flavor and cool mildness in a cigarette just as much as doctors do. And that's why if you're not a Camel smoker now, try a Camel on your t zone. That's t for taste and t for throat. Your true proving ground for any cigarette. See if Camel's rich flavor of superbly blended choice tobacco is just an extra delightful to your taste.
See if Camel's cool mildness isn't in harmony with your throat. See if you too don't say Camel's suit my t zone to a t.
[00:24:39] Unknown:
Well, Costello, I'm going to New York with you. You know, Bucky Harris, the Yanks manager, gave me a job as coach for as long as you're on the team. Look, Abbott. If you're the coach, you must know all the players. I certainly do. Well, you know, I mean, I never met the guys, so you'll have tell me their names, and then I'll know who's playing on the team. Oh, I'll I'll tell you their names. But you know strange it may seem to give these ballplayers nowadays very peculiar names. Funny names. Strange names. Pet names like Dizzy Dean and Daffy Dean. And their French cousin. French. Gouffe. Gouffe Dean. Oh, I see. But let's see. We have on the bags. We have who's on first, what's on second, I don't know who's on third. That's what I wanna find out. I say who's on first, what's on second, I don't know who's on third. Are you the manager? Yes. You're gonna be the coach too? Yes. And you know the fellas name? Well, then who's on first? Yes. I mean the fellas name? Who? The guy on first. Who? The first baseman. Who? The guy playing first. Who is on first? I'm asking you who's on first. That's the man's name. That's whose name? Yes. Well, go ahead and tell me. That's it. That's who. Yes. Oh, you got a first baseman. Thirdly. Who's playing first? That's right. When you pay off the first baseman every month, who gets the money? Every dollar of it. All I'm trying to find out is the fella's name on first base. Who? The guy that gets the money. Who gets the money off the Who does? Every dollar. Sometimes his wife comes down and collects it. Who's one? Yes.
What's wrong with that? Look. All I wanna know is when you sign up the First Basement, how does he sign his name to the contract? The guy. Who? How does he sign his name? That's how he signs it. Who? Yes. Oh, sorry. What's the guy's name on First Base? No. What is on Second Base? I'm not asking you who's on Second. Who's on First? 1 base at a time. Change the place. We're not taking nobody. Easy, buddy. I'm only asking you, who's the guy on First Base? That's right. Okay. Alright. What's the guy's name on First Base? No. What is on Second? I'm not asking you who's on Second. Who's on First? I don't know. He's on Third. We're not talking about it. How how did I get on third base? Why you mentioned his name? If I mentioned a third base's name, who did I say is playing third? No. Who's playing first? What's on first? What's on second? I don't know. He's on third. There I go. I'm sorry.
I don't even know. Now who's playing third base? Why do you insist on putting who on third base? What am I putting on third? What is on second? You know and who on second? Who is on first? I don't know. Third base. Well, you got our field? Sure. Let us feel his name. Why? I just thought I'd ask you. Well, I just thought I'd tell you. Now tell me who's playing that field. Who is playing first? I'm not playing on any history. No, mister. I wanna know what's the guy's name in left field. Oh, what is on second? I'm not asking you who's that Who's on first? I don't know. Okay. And now that field is named? Why?
You got a pitcher on a team. Sure. The pitcher's name. You don't wanna tell me today? I'm telling you, go ahead. What time? What time what? What time tomorrow you're gonna tell me who's pitching? Now listen, who is not pitching? I'll break your arm, you say. Who's not pitching? I wanna know what's the pitcher's name. What's your second? I don't know. Wait a minute. How to catch it? Certainly. The catcher's name. Today. Today. Tomorrow's pitching. Now you've got it. All we got is a couple of days out of the last game. I don't know how to catch it too. No. They don't. I can give you a head of break through some fancy catching tomorrow's pitching on my team and the heavy hitter gets up. Yes. Now the heavy hitter punched the ball. When he punched the ball, me being a good catcher, I wanna throw the guy out of first base so I pick up the ball and throw it to who? Now that's the first thing you've said right. I don't even know what I'm talking about.
What do you have to do? If you throw the ball to first base Yes. Now who's got it? Naturally. No. If I throw the ball to first base, somebody's gonna get it. Now who has it? Naturally. Who? Naturally. Naturally? Naturally. So I pick up the ball and I throw it to Nashville. No. You don't. You throw the ball to who? Naturally. That's the That's what I said. You're not saying I throw the ball to Nashville. Throw it to who? Actually, that's it. That's it. You asked me. I throw the ball to who? Naturally. Now you ask me. You throw the ball to who? Naturally. Same as you. Same as you. Same as you. Same as you. Same as you. Same as you. Same as you. Same as you. Same as you. Same as you. Same as you. Yeah. No. This is over. I throw a ball to who? Whoever it is drops the ball and the guy runs the second. Who picks up the ball and throws it to what? What throws it back? I don't know. I don't know if throws it back to tomorrow. Triple play. Yes. I know if I get something, it's a long fly ball to be cause.
Why? I don't know. He's a third, and I don't give a darn. Your wife? I said I don't give a darn. Oh, that's our short stop. I'm really sorry.
[00:29:06] Unknown:
Evidence of Stell will be back in just a moment for a camel cigarette. During the war, the makers of camel cigarettes sent a total of more than 150,000,000 free camels to our fighting men overseas. Now free camels are sent to servicemen's hospitals instead. This week, the camels go to Veterans Hospital Fort Lyne, Colorado, USAF Station Hospital, Davis Monthan Field, Tucson, Arizona, US Naval Hospital, Quantico, Virginia, US Marine Hospital, Baltimore, Maryland, and Veterans Hospital, Palo Alto, California. Camel broadcasts go out to The United States Three times a week. Our rebroadcast to practically every area in the world where men are still stationed and to our good neighbors in Central And South America. And now back to Bud Abbott and Lou Costello.
[00:29:43] Unknown:
What is that, Lou? You've got your hand there? Another telegram? Hey, Abbot. Look. I just got a telegram from Joe DiMaggio. Well, go ahead and read it. Okay. Dear Lou, just heard your show. I think you have the makings of the world's greatest natural ball player. You have spiked teeth, a club head, and you've been off your base for years. Good night. Good night, folks. Good night, everybody, and a special good night to Joe DiMaggio. Get well quick, Joe.
[00:30:12] Unknown:
This is happening to Capello again next Thursday night when Capello was going to build himself a new prefabricated house. You can imagine the trouble he'll get into. I don't know whether it'll be a one story house or a two story house, but anyway, that's another story.
[00:30:29] Unknown:
Prince Albert, pipe appeal. They're one and the same thing. Any tobacco burns, makes smoke, but where else can you find the tobacco that has the pipe appeal of Prince Albert? The coolness, mildness, the rich full flavor. Prince Albert is specially treated to ensure against tongue bite. Crim cut to smoke slow and cool. So pack your pipe with mellow rich PA. Enjoy a pipe appeal with Prince Albert. And while we're speaking of enjoying yourself, be sure to tune in on Grand Ole Opry on NBC Saturday night. You all know and love the songs of America, but this week you have something extra special in store for you. Red Foley and his gusts, Ernest Tubb and Roy Acuff. Randall Opry, Saturday night on NBC.
[00:31:10] Unknown:
Be sure to tune in next week for another great Abbott and Costello show brought to you by Camel Cigarettes. And remember, experience is the best teacher. Try a Camel. Let your own experience tell you why more people are smoking Camel's than ever before. C a m e l s. Hamilton Costello's famous baseball routine, who's on first is now available at phonograph record. This is Michael Roy Hollywood wishing you all a pleasant good night for camos.
[00:31:46] Unknown:
Should we make plans for our anniversary?
[00:31:48] Unknown:
Let's just pick something up from BJ's Wholesale Club. From BJ's? How romantic. Well, I was thinking Bulk sized mozzarella sticks? No. A vacation package to The Caribbean. Woah. Can we afford that? BJ's Travel offers even better value than those discount travel websites, plus a 10% best price guarantee. So, yeah, we can. Visit travel.bj's.com
[00:32:11] Unknown:
to book cruises, vacation packages, car rentals, hotels, and more. Terms and conditions apply. See site for details.
Okay. Round two. Name something that's not boring.
[00:00:05] Unknown:
A laundry? Oh, a book club. Computer solitaire.
[00:00:12] Unknown:
Sorry. We were looking for Chumba Casino. Chumba. That's right. ChumbaCasino.com has over a hundred casino style games. Join today and play for free for your chance to redeem some serious prizes. Chumba. Chumba Casino dot com. No purchase. It
[00:00:30] Unknown:
It is Ryan here, and I have a question for you. What do you do when you win? Like, are you a fist pumper, a woo hooer, a hand clapper, a high fiver? I kinda like the high five, but if you wanna hone in on those winning moves, check out Chumba Casino. At chumbacasino.com, choose from hundreds of social casino style games for your chance to redeem serious cash prizes. There are new game releases weekly plus free daily bonuses, so don't wait. Start having the most fun ever at chumbacasino.com.
[00:01:14] Unknown:
C a m e l s. That's right, folks. C for comedy, a for Abbott, m for Maxwell, e for Ennis, l for Luke Costello. Put them all together and they spell camel. Experience is the best teacher. Try a camel. Let your own experience tell you why more people are smoking camels than ever before. And draw up a chair for tonight's camels show, starring Fudd Avenue and Luke Costello.
[00:01:58] Unknown:
Hey, Costello. Costello, come here. Costello, would you come over here, please? Will you listen to me? What are you writing on that pad? Hey, Emmett. What are you writing on that pad? I'm just making out a list of girls I'm gonna kiss next week. Here's who I got picked out. Lizzie Schwartz, Maggie Muggle Meyer, Tushy Tinfoil, Lana Turner Now wait a minute. Lana Turner wouldn't kiss you. Oh, no? Oh, no. Then I'll scratch you off my list. I love you. You dummy always thinking of girls. Girls, girls, girls. A great man don't waste their time on girls. Where do you suppose Benjamin Franklin would have been if you'd have thought of girls all of the time? In the front row at Earl Carroll's? No. No. No. Pastel, I've been telling you for the past three weeks. You've gotta quit chasing girls and get yourself a job. Look at look how sloppy you are. Look at your socks. I can't help my socks have it. It's those new Hickok plastic garners. What's the matter with them? Your socks suck. Stay up with your legs pulled out. Yeah.
Lou Costello. Tell me about Lou Costello. Here, boy. Out of the way, Fatso.
[00:03:13] Unknown:
How do you do? Wait a
[00:03:17] Unknown:
minute. Wait a minute. That ain't me. That's the mad Russian. You're saying? I'm a who's gonna take it to, Brad? I'll take it. It's collect. $14. Here, take it. Oh, give it to me. Here, boy. Hey, Costello. This telegram is from Joe DiMaggio. Listen to this. Dear Lou, as you know, I am recovering from a foot operation. I would appreciate appreciate you taking my place appreciate you taking my place on the New York Yankees until I recover. Please report to the Yankee Stadium immediately. Sign Joe DiMaggio. Abbot. Hey. That's the news. That's the news I've been waiting for. I'm gonna be a big league ball player. Yes. DiMaggio probably heard about my playing with the Cucamonga Wildcats last year. You are ball player. I don't believe it, Costello. You know nothing about ball. Oh, no. I eat baseball. I live baseball. All night when I'm asleep, I dream about baseball. Don't you ever dream about girls? What? And miss might turn up a at that time? Oh. What's the matter with you?
Yes. And another thing, Abbot, what page are you on? Never mind. What page are you on? Never mind. What page are you on? And another thing, Abbot, Not only that, in Paterson, New Jersey, I worked out with a baseball team. I used to stay out till 04:00 in the morning. Why did you stay out till 04:00 in the morning? This was a girl's baseball team. I still have you been a play with the New York Yankees? If you really have to know something about big league baseball, Lou. I know all about baseball. Alright. Suppose there's a left handed pitcher pitching. What do you do? I put in a right handed batter. Now suppose there's a right handed pitcher pitching. I put in a left handed batter. But now I trick you. I take out the right handed pitcher and put in a left handed pitcher. And I double cross you. I take out my left handed batter and put in a right handed batter. Now wait a minute. Where are you getting all those right handed batters? The same place where you're getting all those left handed pitchers.
[00:05:06] Unknown:
Hello, bud. Hello, Louis, honey. It's, it's Marilyn Maxwell.
[00:05:18] Unknown:
Hello, Marilyn. I've got great news. I'm gonna play ball with the New York Yankees. I'm taking you along as a pitcher. Oh, no, Costello. Marilyn Maxwell can't pitch. Oh, no. You should see all the guys she struck out that were trying to get the first base. This kid has got some nice curves. Alright.
[00:05:35] Unknown:
Oh, Louis. You're so sweet. But I do hope you be careful. You know, big league baseball is a very dangerous game. Oh, what's dangerous about baseball, Maryland? Well, I read in a paper this morning that in the opening game in Boston, Five Players died on base.
[00:05:51] Unknown:
Maryland. You don't seem to know much about baseball. Let me show you how to play indoor baseball. First, I put my left arm around your waist, then I snuggle my head on your shoulder like this, then I press my cheek against your cheek. Oh, wait a minute, Costello. That's not the way to play indoor baseball. How do you like that? Every season, new rules. Well, goodbye and good luck, Lewis. I just know you'll become famous for those New York Yankees. Merrill is right, goddammit. This is your chance to become famous. Now you've got a good job as a baseball player, and you might find your proper niche in life. Yes. I might. I mean, after all, if I find my what will I find? An itch. An itch. You'll find your niche.
Habit. When I find a itch, I scratch it. No. What in the world are you talking about? An itch. I once had the seven year itch. What happened? I scratched real fast and got rid of it in three and a half years. I'm not talking about that kind of an itch. I mean, an itch in life. An itch in life is what everyone is looking for. Anyone who is successful has found an itch. Paul, if that's the case, I know an air dealer that's doing very well. I have another listen to me, Costello. When I say a niche, I don't mean an itch like you have when you have an itch. I mean a niche like you have when you have an itch. I mean a niche like you have when you have an itch. I mean a niche like you have when you have a notch. Oh, you don't mean an itch like an itch when you have an itch. You mean an itch like you have when you have a notch. Now you've got it. Now I've got it. I don't even know what I'm talking about. Marcelo, why do you mash everything up like that? You're the most mixed up fan I ever saw. Well, maybe it's because I fell on my mother's mix master this morning. She had it set for mashed potatoes.
Oh, I know. You're wrong, mommy. I know that. Idiot. All I'm trying to tell you is that a niche is a notch. Catch? Notch. Notch. Alright. I know that a niche is a notch. You know that both of them are the same. You know, I could have a notch and you could have a niche. Yes. Niche to me and notch to you. Yeah. Mister Boley, I know this. I'm only trying to impress you to the importance of being a big big big role player and having a good income. Did Mhmm. Just as I thought. You've drawn one too many already. That's not I would you listen to me, please? When I say you draw a salary, I mean you draw money. Now he's got me drawing money. Wait till the FBI finds out about this. I'll probably draw twenty years in a clink, and they don't feed you any celery in there either. Cut, teller. When I say you draw money, I mean, you draw like you draw money to spend it. Not not like when you draw on an easel. That's what I always say. With money, it's easel come, easel go. Everybody draws money. I draw money. I've been drawing money for years. My brother draws money. He's been drawing money for years. You draw and your brother draws? Certainly. Just as I thought. You and your brother are an old pair of drawers.
[00:08:53] Unknown:
Experience is the best teacher. It happened shortly after the end of the war. Two cigarettes glow in the dusk on the veranda of a country house as a man and woman are chatting.
[00:09:03] Unknown:
The woman remarks Robert, you've changed your cigarette brand. This is a camel. I can tell without even looking. Yes. I have changed my brand.
[00:09:12] Unknown:
You know how we smoked whatever cigarettes we could get during the war? Don't I? Yes. I must have tried all the brands during that shortage. That's when I found I liked Camel's best. And weren't you right? Yes. Experience is the best teacher. During the wartime shortage, people smoked whatever cigarettes they could get. It was this experience that taught millions the differences in cigarette quality. As smokers tried cigarette after cigarette on their t zones, that's t for taste and t for throat, It was Camel's rich full flavor and cool mildness that stood out from all the others. The result? Today, more people smoke Camel's than ever before. Experience is the best teacher.
Try a Camel. And while you light up a camel, here's Skinny Annis with Linda. When I go to sleep, I never can sleep. I count all the charms about Linda. Lately, it seems all of my dreams. I walk with my arms about Linda. But what good does it do me? Fallen that doesn't know I exist and help feeling gloomy. Think of all the loving I've missed. We pass on the street. My heart skips a beat. I say to myself, hello Linda. If only she'd smile. I'd stop for a while. And then I would get to know Linda. But miracles still happening. And when my lucky star begins to shine, with one lucky break, I'll make Linda
[00:11:10] Unknown:
mine.
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As on the street, my heart skips the beat. I say to myself, hello, Linda. If only she'd smile. I'd stop for a while, and then I would get to know Linda. But miracles still and when I let the You wanna be a big,
[00:12:23] Unknown:
league ball player, you've got to get yourself in shape. Now from 8AM to 9AM, you lift weights. From nine to ten, deep knee bend. 10 to eleven, skip rope. 11 to twelve, run five miles. 12 to one, I'll never make it. I hear you lost. You idiot, you'll never be a ball player, staying up late and going to nightclubs, eating rich food, running around with beautiful girls, do you know what can happen to you? Yes. I can become manager of the Brooklyn Dodgers. I
[00:12:52] Unknown:
Not shallow.
[00:12:53] Unknown:
I don't even know why the manager picked you. You don't even know how to swing a bat. I know all about swinging bats. When I was a kid, my father used to hit me with a baseball bat. My brother used to hit me with a baseball bat. My uncle Artie Stevens used to hit me with a baseball bat, and my mother used to hit me with a tennis racket. With a tennis racket? Yes. She didn't like baseball. Well, well, it's Billy Ernest. Hey, Costello.
[00:13:14] Unknown:
I heard about you taking, Joe DiMaggio's place for the New York Yankees. That's right. You know, I used to pitch for the Hollywood Stars, and boy, I'll never forget my last game.
[00:13:23] Unknown:
There were five men on base. No. No. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait.
[00:13:30] Unknown:
Wait Had the biggest buck teeth you ever saw. I was the only man on the team that could slide in second base and spike you from either end.
[00:13:47] Unknown:
Well, go on fast though. Slow skinny. Slow. Hey. You know that skinny would make a ugly skeleton. Alright. I'm gonna waste time with him. Now you've gotta get ready for the open game. Yes. I think we're gonna play the Cleveland Indians. Cleveland Indians. Uh-huh. Fellow pitching? Certainly, there's a fellow pitching. Who do you think they'd use a girl? Oh, I hear you. I know they don't use a girl. I said feller pitching. What feller? Feller with the Cleveland Indians. Look at it. There's nine guys on the Cleveland team. Now which feller are you talking about? Feller that pitches. There is only one feller with Cleveland. You mean nine Yankees are gonna play against one fella? That's right.
You mean there's no fellas in the outfield? No. And there's no fellas in the infield? No. Cleveland only has one fella. Well, this fella must be pretty good. If if they don't need he don't need any other players but himself. Look. All the players will be out there helping him. You just said there was only one fella on the team. That's right. Then where did all them other fellas come from? Oh, you idiot. When I say there's only one fella on the team, I mean there is only one fella that pitches. Well, Abbott, when the manager of the team wants this pitcher, what does he call him? Feller. You mean he just hollers, hey, Feller. And this guy knows that they mean him? That's right. Woo hoo. His name is Feller. Feller. Bob Feller. And when I say there is only one feller on the team that pitches, that's it. And the fella that pitches is fella. There's only the other fellas on the team, but there's, only one fella.
Boy, are you mixed up. Oh, you mean the fella that pitches is fellas. And there's other fellas on the team, but they're not fellas? Now you've grasped it. Yes. I grasped it, but it keeps slipping out of my hand. Let's go into this sporting goods store and get your baseball equipment. I want you to look right for the opening game. Go ahead and ask that lady there where they keep the baseball uniform. Pardon me, miss? Well, if it isn't mister Albert Hello? And mister Costello.
[00:15:44] Unknown:
Hello. You soft little man, you.
[00:15:49] Unknown:
What are you doing in the sporting this on this? Oh, I just delved in to get a gift for my Northview. I'm buying him a Bosball.
[00:15:57] Unknown:
Bosball? Bosball? Abbot, you know what a Bosball is? That's what the poocher throws to the coocher. And the pooter tries to boot a home run.
[00:16:14] Unknown:
My, my nephew is just a local chope, but his ambition is to be a Brooklyn Dozier, Caughtcher.
[00:16:22] Unknown:
Well, if he's only a little guy, why don't he join the deep troop toogers and be a short stoop?
[00:16:33] Unknown:
Well, I must be going. As we say in Chinese, I should go eat hot chili on who's better you.
[00:16:39] Unknown:
And a dish of gooey chop suey and a pussy you too. Hey, love that for me. It doesn't for sale for now. Oh, good morning, boys.
[00:16:50] Unknown:
As Johnny Weismeller said to Buster Crabbe, what dive did you come out of?
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Well, my friend and I are here to get some baseball equipment. I'd like to see a baseball uniform that would fit Costello. So would I.
[00:17:05] Unknown:
Look, as Adam said to Eve, quit ribbing me. However, I'll do the best I can. We'll start with the spiked shoes. What size do you wear? Eight. Oh, let me see. I've only got one pair left and they're size five. Maybe you can squeeze into them, Costello. Go ahead and try. Okay.
[00:17:27] Unknown:
What do you know? Open toed fishbowl shoes.
[00:17:31] Unknown:
Now for the uniform. My, you're certainly a pudgy little rascal, aren't you? Really? Aren't you overweight?
[00:17:39] Unknown:
I'm about a hundred and twenty pounds overweight, but I'm going back to my normal weight. Yes. That's normal. Sixty pounds overweight. Oh, gosh. You you should really go on a diet. Yeah. Of course, you know what a diet is, don't you? Oh, sure. That's where you can eat all you want of everything you don't like.
[00:17:54] Unknown:
Young man, if you really wanna reduce, why don't you exercise with a couple of dumbbells?
[00:17:58] Unknown:
Okay. I'm ready whenever you and Abito are. I know. Oh, we gotta get your baseball equipment. Mister, do you have any bats? Oh, certainly. Here's a fine bat, autographed by slaughter of the cardinals. This bat was made for slaughter. Ain't you got one that was made for baseball? When he says slaughter, he means slaughter the baseball player. Slaughter the baseball player? Well, that bet you could slaughter anybody.
[00:18:23] Unknown:
You don't know, doctor. I'm talking about slaughter. Everybody knows slaughter. He knows slaughter.
[00:18:29] Unknown:
Well, maybe he knows slaughter, but I don't know. Well, we need everybody knows Slaughter the baseball player. Slaughter is the man's last name. What's his first name? Eno's. Now there's a clever guy. Eno's his first name. Oh, look. Don't forget about the bad luck, mister. Do you have a baseball cap that will fit Costello's head? What size pencil sharpener does he wear? Yeah.
[00:18:48] Unknown:
Oh, oh, a baseball cap. Oh, yes. Here's a dandy.
[00:18:52] Unknown:
This is the kind fellow wears. What fellow? The fellow with the Cleveland Indians. There's nine players with the Cleveland Indians. Which fellow are you talking about? Oh, young man. When I say fellow with the Cleveland Indians, I am only referring to one fellow, the fellow that pitches with the Cleveland Indians. When you say the fellow with the Cleveland Indians, you're only referring to one fellow, the fellow that pitches for the Cleveland Indians. Yeah. As Orville said to Wilbur,
[00:19:14] Unknown:
you're
[00:19:16] Unknown:
right. How do you like that? Not at all. I will change your sporting good story. Oh, forget about him, Custer. Hey. Wait a minute. I've got an idea. Missus Wetwash's late husband used to be a big league bay ball player. Now he was a home run king in other words. Now maybe he should give you one of his bats for good luck. Let's go over to her house and ask her. Oh, okay. I'll I'll go right over now. You're right, Abbot. As John Adams said to Henry Wadsworth, long fella how do you like that? I forgot what John Adams said to Henry Wadsworth Longfellow. Well, good morning, missus
[00:19:54] Unknown:
Oh, hello, mister Abbott. Oh, my. You know you ought to muzzle that thing Bernard dog.
[00:20:00] Unknown:
Oh, oh, pardon me. It's Costello.
[00:20:04] Unknown:
Tell me, Costello. How are things in Gawker, moron?
[00:20:10] Unknown:
Mister Whitwas, I wish you hadn't said that. I was just telling Abbott your face reminds me of a rose. Oh, really? An American Beauty rose? No. A rhinoceros. Take care of Costello. Missus Whitwash, Costello is leaving for me off to join Joe DiMaggio's play. Take Joe's place. Isn't that wonderful? Is he going to play with the Yanks? Oh, I can't believe. Yes? What do those big Yanks form with a little jerk like this? Missus Whitwash, that was an insult. I'll have you know that beautiful women find me irresistible. I don't find you irresistible.
And I don't find you beautiful. Why, I just asked her for those baseball bats her husband left her. Okay. Mrs. Whitwash, I understand when your husband was alive, he had a lot of old bats. That's a lie. He never went out with anybody but me. Missus Whitwash, Costello means your husband's, baseball bats. You see, he thought you might give him one of them. Yes. That's right, missus Whitwash. You see, I need a good bat. Oh, you need a good bat. I'll be glad to help you out. Can I have the bat right now? Right now.
[00:21:19] Unknown:
Hello. Present lovely Marilyn Maxwell for Metro Golden Mayor, Producers of the sea of grass. For Camel fans everywhere in honor of New Orleans Jazz Week, Marilyn sings for the first time on the air, the title song of the picture, New Orleans.
[00:21:33] Unknown:
Do you know what it means to miss New Orleans and miss it each night and day? I know I'm not wrong. I'm feeling getting stronger the longer I stay away.
[00:21:58] Unknown:
It's the moss covered vines,
[00:22:02] Unknown:
the tall sugar pine where mockingbirds use to sing. And I'd like to see the lazy Mississippi hurrying in to spring. More. I miss the one I care for, more than I miss New Orleans. More than I miss New Orleans.
[00:23:40] Unknown:
According to a recent nationwide survey, more doctors smoke Camels than any other cigarette. Three leading independent research organizations asked this question of 113,597 doctors. What cigarette do you smoke, doctor? The brand name most was Camel. Now you probably enjoy rich full flavor and cool mildness in a cigarette just as much as doctors do. And that's why if you're not a Camel smoker now, try a Camel on your t zone. That's t for taste and t for throat. Your true proving ground for any cigarette. See if Camel's rich flavor of superbly blended choice tobacco is just an extra delightful to your taste.
See if Camel's cool mildness isn't in harmony with your throat. See if you too don't say Camel's suit my t zone to a t.
[00:24:39] Unknown:
Well, Costello, I'm going to New York with you. You know, Bucky Harris, the Yanks manager, gave me a job as coach for as long as you're on the team. Look, Abbott. If you're the coach, you must know all the players. I certainly do. Well, you know, I mean, I never met the guys, so you'll have tell me their names, and then I'll know who's playing on the team. Oh, I'll I'll tell you their names. But you know strange it may seem to give these ballplayers nowadays very peculiar names. Funny names. Strange names. Pet names like Dizzy Dean and Daffy Dean. And their French cousin. French. Gouffe. Gouffe Dean. Oh, I see. But let's see. We have on the bags. We have who's on first, what's on second, I don't know who's on third. That's what I wanna find out. I say who's on first, what's on second, I don't know who's on third. Are you the manager? Yes. You're gonna be the coach too? Yes. And you know the fellas name? Well, then who's on first? Yes. I mean the fellas name? Who? The guy on first. Who? The first baseman. Who? The guy playing first. Who is on first? I'm asking you who's on first. That's the man's name. That's whose name? Yes. Well, go ahead and tell me. That's it. That's who. Yes. Oh, you got a first baseman. Thirdly. Who's playing first? That's right. When you pay off the first baseman every month, who gets the money? Every dollar of it. All I'm trying to find out is the fella's name on first base. Who? The guy that gets the money. Who gets the money off the Who does? Every dollar. Sometimes his wife comes down and collects it. Who's one? Yes.
What's wrong with that? Look. All I wanna know is when you sign up the First Basement, how does he sign his name to the contract? The guy. Who? How does he sign his name? That's how he signs it. Who? Yes. Oh, sorry. What's the guy's name on First Base? No. What is on Second Base? I'm not asking you who's on Second. Who's on First? 1 base at a time. Change the place. We're not taking nobody. Easy, buddy. I'm only asking you, who's the guy on First Base? That's right. Okay. Alright. What's the guy's name on First Base? No. What is on Second? I'm not asking you who's on Second. Who's on First? I don't know. He's on Third. We're not talking about it. How how did I get on third base? Why you mentioned his name? If I mentioned a third base's name, who did I say is playing third? No. Who's playing first? What's on first? What's on second? I don't know. He's on third. There I go. I'm sorry.
I don't even know. Now who's playing third base? Why do you insist on putting who on third base? What am I putting on third? What is on second? You know and who on second? Who is on first? I don't know. Third base. Well, you got our field? Sure. Let us feel his name. Why? I just thought I'd ask you. Well, I just thought I'd tell you. Now tell me who's playing that field. Who is playing first? I'm not playing on any history. No, mister. I wanna know what's the guy's name in left field. Oh, what is on second? I'm not asking you who's that Who's on first? I don't know. Okay. And now that field is named? Why?
You got a pitcher on a team. Sure. The pitcher's name. You don't wanna tell me today? I'm telling you, go ahead. What time? What time what? What time tomorrow you're gonna tell me who's pitching? Now listen, who is not pitching? I'll break your arm, you say. Who's not pitching? I wanna know what's the pitcher's name. What's your second? I don't know. Wait a minute. How to catch it? Certainly. The catcher's name. Today. Today. Tomorrow's pitching. Now you've got it. All we got is a couple of days out of the last game. I don't know how to catch it too. No. They don't. I can give you a head of break through some fancy catching tomorrow's pitching on my team and the heavy hitter gets up. Yes. Now the heavy hitter punched the ball. When he punched the ball, me being a good catcher, I wanna throw the guy out of first base so I pick up the ball and throw it to who? Now that's the first thing you've said right. I don't even know what I'm talking about.
What do you have to do? If you throw the ball to first base Yes. Now who's got it? Naturally. No. If I throw the ball to first base, somebody's gonna get it. Now who has it? Naturally. Who? Naturally. Naturally? Naturally. So I pick up the ball and I throw it to Nashville. No. You don't. You throw the ball to who? Naturally. That's the That's what I said. You're not saying I throw the ball to Nashville. Throw it to who? Actually, that's it. That's it. You asked me. I throw the ball to who? Naturally. Now you ask me. You throw the ball to who? Naturally. Same as you. Same as you. Same as you. Same as you. Same as you. Same as you. Same as you. Same as you. Same as you. Same as you. Same as you. Yeah. No. This is over. I throw a ball to who? Whoever it is drops the ball and the guy runs the second. Who picks up the ball and throws it to what? What throws it back? I don't know. I don't know if throws it back to tomorrow. Triple play. Yes. I know if I get something, it's a long fly ball to be cause.
Why? I don't know. He's a third, and I don't give a darn. Your wife? I said I don't give a darn. Oh, that's our short stop. I'm really sorry.
[00:29:06] Unknown:
Evidence of Stell will be back in just a moment for a camel cigarette. During the war, the makers of camel cigarettes sent a total of more than 150,000,000 free camels to our fighting men overseas. Now free camels are sent to servicemen's hospitals instead. This week, the camels go to Veterans Hospital Fort Lyne, Colorado, USAF Station Hospital, Davis Monthan Field, Tucson, Arizona, US Naval Hospital, Quantico, Virginia, US Marine Hospital, Baltimore, Maryland, and Veterans Hospital, Palo Alto, California. Camel broadcasts go out to The United States Three times a week. Our rebroadcast to practically every area in the world where men are still stationed and to our good neighbors in Central And South America. And now back to Bud Abbott and Lou Costello.
[00:29:43] Unknown:
What is that, Lou? You've got your hand there? Another telegram? Hey, Abbot. Look. I just got a telegram from Joe DiMaggio. Well, go ahead and read it. Okay. Dear Lou, just heard your show. I think you have the makings of the world's greatest natural ball player. You have spiked teeth, a club head, and you've been off your base for years. Good night. Good night, folks. Good night, everybody, and a special good night to Joe DiMaggio. Get well quick, Joe.
[00:30:12] Unknown:
This is happening to Capello again next Thursday night when Capello was going to build himself a new prefabricated house. You can imagine the trouble he'll get into. I don't know whether it'll be a one story house or a two story house, but anyway, that's another story.
[00:30:29] Unknown:
Prince Albert, pipe appeal. They're one and the same thing. Any tobacco burns, makes smoke, but where else can you find the tobacco that has the pipe appeal of Prince Albert? The coolness, mildness, the rich full flavor. Prince Albert is specially treated to ensure against tongue bite. Crim cut to smoke slow and cool. So pack your pipe with mellow rich PA. Enjoy a pipe appeal with Prince Albert. And while we're speaking of enjoying yourself, be sure to tune in on Grand Ole Opry on NBC Saturday night. You all know and love the songs of America, but this week you have something extra special in store for you. Red Foley and his gusts, Ernest Tubb and Roy Acuff. Randall Opry, Saturday night on NBC.
[00:31:10] Unknown:
Be sure to tune in next week for another great Abbott and Costello show brought to you by Camel Cigarettes. And remember, experience is the best teacher. Try a Camel. Let your own experience tell you why more people are smoking Camel's than ever before. C a m e l s. Hamilton Costello's famous baseball routine, who's on first is now available at phonograph record. This is Michael Roy Hollywood wishing you all a pleasant good night for camos.
[00:31:46] Unknown:
Should we make plans for our anniversary?
[00:31:48] Unknown:
Let's just pick something up from BJ's Wholesale Club. From BJ's? How romantic. Well, I was thinking Bulk sized mozzarella sticks? No. A vacation package to The Caribbean. Woah. Can we afford that? BJ's Travel offers even better value than those discount travel websites, plus a 10% best price guarantee. So, yeah, we can. Visit travel.bj's.com
[00:32:11] Unknown:
to book cruises, vacation packages, car rentals, hotels, and more. Terms and conditions apply. See site for details.
Introduction and Chumba Casino
Camel Cigarettes and Comedy
Costello's Baseball Ambitions
Experience is the Best Teacher
Baseball Training and Humor
Shopping for Baseball Gear
Who's on First Routine
Closing Remarks and Announcements
