In this lively episode, Ryan shares his enthusiasm for fun and introduces listeners to Chumba Casino, a platform offering a plethora of social casino-style games. With new games released weekly and daily bonuses up for grabs, Ryan invites everyone to join in the excitement and try their luck at winning serious prizes. The conversation takes a humorous turn as Ryan and his friends engage in a comedic skit about gardening mishaps and the challenges of planting various vegetables, leading to a series of misunderstandings and laughs.
The episode continues with a courtroom comedy where Costello finds himself in a legal predicament involving a neighbor's oranges. With the help of his friends, including a quirky lawyer and a series of character witnesses, Costello navigates the humorous legal proceedings. The episode is filled with witty banter, misunderstandings, and clever wordplay, showcasing the comedic talents of the cast. Tune in for a delightful mix of fun, games, and classic comedy sketches.
(00:00) Introduction and Fun at Chumba Casino
(01:09) Gardening Antics and Mashed Potatoes
(03:08) Orange Tree Troubles and Crow Mishaps
(06:10) Courtroom Chaos and Legal Shenanigans
(14:02) The Trial and Character Witness Search
(20:00) Resolution and Final Thoughts
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[00:00:00]
Unknown:
Hey, guys. It is Ryan. I'm not sure if you know this about me, but I'm a bit of a fun fanatic when I can. I like to work, but I like fun too. It's a thing. And now the truth is out there. I can tell you about my favorite place to have fun, Chamba Casino. They have hundreds of social casino casino style games to choose from with new games released each week. You can play for free anytime, anywhere, and each day brings a new chance to collect daily bonuses. So join me in the fun. Sign up now at Chumbacasino.com. Judy was boring. Hello. Then Judy discovered Chumbacasino.com.
It's my little escape. Now Judy's the life of the party. Oh, baby. Mama's bringing home the bacon. Woah. Take it easy, Judy. Chumba. The Chumba Life is for everybody. So go to Chumbacasino.com and play over a hundred casino style games. Join today and play for free for your chance to redeem some serious prizes. Chumbacasino.com. No purchase necessary. We were permitted by 18 plus terms and conditions apply. See website for details.
[00:01:10] Unknown:
Hey. Just tell him. Just tell him. What's the idea of coming in here with those overhauls and straw hats? Get my gardening clothes out. I've been I've been out working this one all morning, and I planted two eggs of mashed potatoes. Now wait a minute.
[00:01:23] Unknown:
How how can you plant mashed potatoes?
[00:01:26] Unknown:
I use a hammer. I I
[00:01:29] Unknown:
don't
[00:01:30] Unknown:
I bet you're some godless. What else would you plant? Well, I planted raw onion and then a raw radishes. And then I put some peas and another raw radishes. And then I got some lettuce and another raw radishes. Some more beans and another roll of radishes. Now wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Just a minute. Why did you put every other roll of radishes? I can't help but radishes don't eat on me. Right.
[00:01:54] Unknown:
Forget about it. Let's drop the radishes.
[00:01:56] Unknown:
Come on, please. Let's drop the radish. Let's get on. Well, I don't want any don't let it come right up again. Look.
[00:02:01] Unknown:
Didn't you didn't you plant any any tomatoes? I say didn't you plant any tomatoes? Yeah. I planted all tomatoes. One is a pot. Costello, now that's too close together. It's a tomato and into a funny shape. So what? So what? What do you mean so what? Did did you ever see a short fat tomato? Yeah. I did. But one last night, it's a plenty of
[00:02:22] Unknown:
Oh,
[00:02:23] Unknown:
it's costing, please. Talk to us, Carlos. How how's the dirt around your plate, Lou? I don't know. I haven't had any, lady. No. No. No. I'm talking about the soil. What state is your soil in? The state of California. Dope. I'm talking I'm talking about the condition of the ground. How's the dirt? Oh, it's no good. It's full of worms. I I'm trying to find out if you have any weeds.
[00:02:49] Unknown:
Boy, if I got wheat, I spent an hour this morning calling on a big piece of silver grass. And I pulled and I pulled and I pulled. Then what happened? Finally, the devil came up and said, look, customer, when I want you, I'll serve for you.
[00:03:08] Unknown:
Listen, Cartel. I better help you. By the way, what are you putting in those two acres in back of the barn? At least till I find my place. You know those two new acres you have in back of the barn? What are you what are you planning to do back in?
[00:03:22] Unknown:
Talk. My goodness. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
[00:03:26] Unknown:
You realize
[00:03:27] Unknown:
You realize what you're doing? What? What are you planning in those days? Oh, I'm putting the whole thing in Metro De Jiffy. And then when they grow up, I'll feed the Mexican jellybeans for the cow. This makes the cow easier to look. Makes the cow easier to milk? Yeah. When the cow is full of Mexican jellybeans, I just grab a hole and bring on while the cow jumps.
[00:03:48] Unknown:
Oh, tell us. Tell us. Can you
[00:03:52] Unknown:
please talk, Sandy? Why don't you no. I've I gotta go out in the yard just to hang prunes on all iron streeks. Hang prunes on your iron streeks? Who told you to do that? My uncle Adi seven. That's uncle Adi seven. He said my iron needed pruning.
[00:04:04] Unknown:
Oh, what a joke. Your uncle meant your uncle meant you should get a ladder and saw the limb. You saw the limbs? Really, I saw the limb. They were hanging right in front of me. No. No. No. I mean, did you saw the limbs off the tree? Oh, I saw the limbs on the tree. Look, Costello. I'm trying to tell you that your teeth need trimming.
[00:04:20] Unknown:
You've got to trim it before the set rise. You gotta trim it before the set rise? That's right. What time do you get up? No.
[00:04:27] Unknown:
Please, Costello. Now if you wanna have good orange, yeah, you've not only got to trim the tree, but you must put a smudge pot under it. A what? Smudge pot. Don't you know what a smudge pot is? Oh, sure. A smudge pot is a tin can that smokes and burns oil, and you can find them on any used car lot in Hollywood. No. No. Tell me tell me what kind of orange is growing your tree? Oh, the regular kind. That one. Okay.
[00:04:48] Unknown:
Look, please. Are they Valencia or naval oranges? They're naval oranges. How do you know? I saw a seller picking some.
[00:04:56] Unknown:
How can you be so stupid? You can tell the difference between oranges by the color of the juice. Did you ever squeeze one of your oranges? Yeah. Well, what came out? Milk. Milk. How could oranges have milk in them? Now tell me that. I got the treats on the nursery. Oh, come on. Come on. Come with me. We're going out in the backyard and look at your orange tree. I'm really after them tonight, ain't I? Now it's I don't know. Hey. When I tell you, we're going out in the backyard. Look at your tree. Hey. Wait a minute. Hey. Look out that window. There's three big crow sitting up in your tree. Hey. That crow's got a lot of nerve. Have it. Hand me my straw off shotgun. Okay. Hey. This gun hasn't got any handle. How do you like that? I sawed off the wrong end.
[00:05:32] Unknown:
You better watch what you're doing. You're pointing that gun right at me. Don't worry. I'm sorry. Wanna shoot me? I've got my finger over the hole. Keep it there. Get him back, Abbott. I'll see that crow eat my oranges. Watch me get him. Was that the crow? Yeah. That's the biggest old crow in this neighborhood. That's missus Myers. That's terrible concept. Come on. Let's see what happens.
[00:05:55] Unknown:
Uh-oh.
[00:05:57] Unknown:
There you are, you little fat assaccent.
[00:06:10] Unknown:
Oh,
[00:06:14] Unknown:
oh, there you do when I was up in that street putting oranges in my bucket. That'll teach you to keep your bucket out of my tree. I'm tired of people cutting my Your orange is what? It's so heavy, Cutler, that your orange hangs over into my yard. And the law says whatever hangs over my fence wants me. Oh, yeah? Yeah. Now look, mister Niles. Did you wanna see a five man standing at a bar? Yes. What about does the parts that hangover belong to the bartender? No. No. No. That's fine. You know there ain't no answer to that? I know. Alright. Don't answer it. Gotta tell her. Apologize. I'm just not I'll be knocking her out of that thing. You wanna apologize to me? What's wrong with you? You fell on my head and said my hollyhock is a bitch. Costello, you are not going to get away with this. I'm going to take the court. I'm going to charge you with assault. I'll charge you with batteries. I'll charge you with mayhem, and I'll charge you with a tenth manslaughter.
And it'll cost you a thousand dollars. What do you think of that? How does that do?
[00:07:15] Unknown:
I'm Luke Costello. I am sheriff Yapra Carisi. Miss Costello, I'm here to serve you with
[00:07:23] Unknown:
Hi. I don't care for some.
[00:07:25] Unknown:
Some what? Some peanuts. No. The subpoena is for assault. Awesome. Salt
[00:07:32] Unknown:
subpoena. I still got one, hon. Costello, this this means that missus Niles is going to press the suit against me. She can't press the suit against me. I mean, I don't I don't care for the lady.
[00:07:43] Unknown:
Young man, you can't refuse this subpoena. I'm an officer of the law. Oh, you're an officer of law. That's right. Then you're a public servant. Yes. I am. Get me a glass of water. Take it easy, Lou. Look, you little peep squeak. Don't get funny with me. See this scar? Yeah. Gunfight '19 '40 '1. You see this car? Yeah. Vaccination '19 '40 '6.
[00:08:10] Unknown:
And, boy, is it a ticker?
[00:08:12] Unknown:
Young man, you forget that I'm a sheriff. How do I know you're a sheriff? Read what it says on this bag.
[00:08:18] Unknown:
Ho ho Hoover.
[00:08:21] Unknown:
Donald, I always wear the wrong one. Well, as I tell her, the subpoena says that you are to appear in court tomorrow morning at 10:00. To answer missus Niles, What are you saying? I'm too young to go to jail,
[00:08:34] Unknown:
to think that I have four boys who have never been away from my mother's death and scream, shall become a victim of foul circumstances, to be incarcerated behind old white walls like a common criminal, to be done by the people of society, a less than a lack a lack of lack.
[00:08:59] Unknown:
No. But Universal Studios tell me to hand it up tonight if I got a chance. Alright. Stop stop telling me I got told.
[00:09:07] Unknown:
This is serious, Louis.
[00:09:09] Unknown:
First thing you've gotta do is, get out and get some character witnesses. Heaven's doing no good, Evan. You mean you have no witnesses? I got no character. Oh, I'm so upset. I've gotta get out and get some character witnesses. Come on.
[00:09:25] Unknown:
Go Hollywood. I'm fine. Yeah. But I know where I can get a good witness. Let's stop here and see my old girlfriend, Tessie Tinfoil. Oh, man. Come in. Alright, Tessy. You certainly looking wonderful. Well, thank you, my little fat mother boy. Everyone tells me I have an hourglass figure. Looks like all the sand stopped at half past four. What really, Tess? You look lovely in those sunset bust flats. What do you mean sunset bust flats? Standing room only. Oh, no. You say that you would be. Lord, it's just gonna lay an egg. You know, I was in for the park last night and defenses were reporting.
I was in for the park last night. Defense was reporting. Hope gets nothing with it. I don't expect
[00:10:19] Unknown:
nothing. Not, Stella. You came here looking for a witness. Remember? Oh, yes. Patsy, could you go to courthouse with me tomorrow morning at 10:00? Oh, I'd love to. But I'm giving you a lecture on biology tomorrow morning. You know, biology is one of my favorite subjects, and I can safely say that I know more about the human body than anybody else. You sure you have one longer than anybody else.
[00:10:40] Unknown:
Well, you didn't get yourself a witness there. Next to next door, she's Scotty Brown. He'll bounce for me.
[00:10:47] Unknown:
I wish you would not talk so hard down the door, Lattice. There's a burglar under the bed. Burglar under the bed? Gollibee. No. The burglar's asleep, and when he wakes up, I'm going to charge him for a night's lodging. Hey, Scotty. I have to go to court at 10:00 in the morning. I'd like to have you appear as a character witness for me. I'm very sorry, Lottie, but I have to go to the doctor's in the morning to have my hand dressed. A a terrible burn between my thumb and my index finger. How did you burn your fingers, Scott? Well, a bunch of my Scotch friends and I had a smoker last night, and I was thirteenth on the match.
[00:11:20] Unknown:
Scotty,
[00:11:21] Unknown:
can't we just come in for a minute and talk to you? No. You can't. My wife is in the living room taking a bath. Your wife is taking a bath in the living room? Hi, Lottie. The people upstairs let their bathtub run over, and it's leaking through our ceiling. And my wife is standing under the leak taking a shower. Well, Gastel, you haven't got a character with us yet. Wait a minute, Abbot. There's my friend, Fessi Me Mucho. She's getting out of the car. Oh, yohoo. What's that? Oh, hello, boy. I haven't time to talk to you now. I'm on my way to the Santa Fe Railroad Depot.
[00:11:54] Unknown:
Simply Depot. Oh, Alvin. You know what that is. That's where you buy your drink, Took it. Where are you going, Bessie?
[00:12:04] Unknown:
I'm taking the Santa Fe back to Cincinnati. Cincinnati?
[00:12:08] Unknown:
Yeah. You know where Cincinnati is. Oh, yeah. I text back in the state of oh hoo hoo.
[00:12:17] Unknown:
I'm going both there to be Toastmaster at a banquet given by the chamber of commerce. What could be more thrilling than being surrounded by a bunch of men at a banquet? I'd rather sit around a weenie roost with a bunch of girl scoops. Well, I've got the daughter along now. The house of love is And a nice woman to kiss it to you too.
[00:12:40] Unknown:
Yeah.
[00:12:41] Unknown:
Costello, what are you going to do now? Well,
[00:12:43] Unknown:
hey. You know what I think, Abbot? What? I'm getting tired of asking my friends to be character with it all. You can always get more out of a stranger. I'm gonna ask that new man that just moved in next door. Come on. I'll I'll tell him we're at it from Costello, and I'll bet he'll do anything for us. Go ahead.
[00:12:57] Unknown:
Well, what do you want? Mister, you're not in very good mood this morning. Who would be? I'm a listener of the radio. These lousy, horny comedians and their fun jokes, tying prunes on an orange tree. Hourglass figure with a sand stuck in one end. What do you think we listeners are? A bunch of morons? Thousands of dollars a week for sale joke. I that's my my hands on one radio comedian. I'd throttle. My turn of it. I'd break every bone in his body. I'd ram every one of those corny jokes down his throat. Belle, who are you?
[00:13:44] Unknown:
Turn of the what?
[00:13:49] Unknown:
Order in the court. Order in the court. The caller. The caller comes, please. Now it's safe. The case of missus Niles, Bruce Costello. The prisoner will now step to the bar. The prisoner is charged with perforating missus Niles' bucket while she was filling it with orange.
[00:14:21] Unknown:
Look, mister Miles, why can't you talk to me? I didn't mean to speak with you. Honestly, I didn't. I wouldn't harm anybody. I was brought up all time to everybody because I am a voice scout. You're a voice scout? What are those two stripes on your arm? I belong to the trunk patrol.
[00:14:36] Unknown:
Costello, you're not gonna talk me out of pressing my Vadis, I demand that you swear in this defense. Very well. The defendant, Lou Costello, raise your right hand and swear on this bar of soap. Where to fire soap before? We want you to come
[00:14:52] Unknown:
clean. Hammond,
[00:14:53] Unknown:
you'll get ready to send me to jail. You got it through something. Don't worry, Costello. I've got you the greatest lawyer in town. Then here I am, your old friend, Melon Head. Ah, Costello. I'm a lawyer of the old school. Looks like the old school needs a new roof. Look. Now now don't you make remarks about my bald head, Costello. After all, I'm a good egg. That's the first egg I ever saw where the player is.
[00:15:17] Unknown:
Yeah. But I don't want this guy to defend me. Why not? I'd rather have my other uncle, Jay Emmanuel. He's the greatest and the cleverest lawyer in the country. Oh, yeah? Where did he study law? He went to bachelor for four years. You idiot. Bachelor happens to be a girls' school. Well, that pays your smart guy to get away with that, don't it?
[00:15:34] Unknown:
Right. So, well, here comes the judge. Everybody rise. Judging his honor, judge Bill Pop's door to you. Alright, Baylor. Bring in the bring in the bring in the bring in the cake. Will the jury please be cheated? I always forget to put the seats in the jury box.
[00:16:08] Unknown:
Defense ready. Your honor, I would like to have a few minutes to draw up my brief. Now how do you like that? I'm gonna go to jail. This guy has to stop to pull up his joint.
[00:16:19] Unknown:
And I'll cut down his piece of paper. No wonder he he rustles when he walks. Order the card. The defendant will kindly address the bench. Hi, offense. Hello. Let your while you do the talking. Your honor, I am representing this defendant, mister Costello. It seems that my client with malicious intent took a shot at a poor, defensive woman while she was picking oranges out of a tree. He knocked her to the ground. He ruined her bucket, and he did her he did her, your honor. He did this woman great bodily injury. The defense rep.
[00:16:54] Unknown:
Wait a minute, man. Head. Whose side are you on? Hello? Kindly sit down in front. But just I said sit down in front. I don't think that way.
[00:17:05] Unknown:
Hello?
[00:17:08] Unknown:
Do you realize I'm justice? And I'm justice too. Justice who? Just as good as you are.
[00:17:15] Unknown:
Wait a minute, Costello. You can't talk that way to the judge. That's the most contemptible thing I've heard in all my years at the bar. Well, a little less time at the bar, you wouldn't be so contemptible. Tell him why I told you to let you why you do the talking? That's right. Abbott Costello, you promised tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth? I do. Your honor, we plead insanity.
[00:17:39] Unknown:
Just a minute. Just a minute. This whole case is a part. I demand that you find Patel guilty. Missus Niles, I can't do that. I haven't heard the evidence. Look. I appealed you as a man.
[00:17:50] Unknown:
Don't even appeal to me as a woman.
[00:17:53] Unknown:
I object. You object. What for? I haven't had a line of communication.
[00:17:59] Unknown:
Well, stick around. Stick around and I'll give you a sentence. I need
[00:18:06] Unknown:
to keep going. Go ahead. You want me to make you things worse? Look, Joanna, I'd like to plead my own case. I couldn't do anything wrong really. I couldn't because I've always been very bad for you guys. I remember on my twelfth birthday, my mother and my daughter would they gave me a nice little dresser for my bedroom. I was so bashful I kept the dresser turned to the wall. Yep. Dresser turned to the wall. Why? I didn't want the drawers to show. Miss Cello, I'll listen to your play if you can produce a character with me. Okay. I'd like to present as a character with us a young girlfriend of mine, miss Cipe LeBlanc. Here I am, miss Cotello. Come on over here. Get your poor old father.
I am jacked. This young lady has nothing to present at this point. Are you kidding? Speaking, I knew your big brown eyes would get them.
[00:18:58] Unknown:
Listen. Will you kindly take a chair? No. Let her sit up here on the bench with me. I'm lost. Now, miss LeBlanc, kindly tell the court.
[00:19:08] Unknown:
Ma'am, it's an 58 LeBlanc.
[00:19:10] Unknown:
What is the 8 then?
[00:19:12] Unknown:
Hillside 2184.
[00:19:14] Unknown:
I object. You okay? Yeah. She's in the Hillside 2184. What are you doing tonight? Oh, I'm sorry. Just but I'm going steady, mister Costello. I will be true to him as long as he lives. Costello, I sent you to be hanged at dawn.
[00:19:31] Unknown:
Get on it. You can't do this. My friend Costello is an honest man, an innocent man. He didn't. Miles? I don't care about that. He has no business wasting his time with a beautiful girl like Gigi LeBlanc. A man as ugly as Costello couldn't possibly have any integrity of character.
[00:19:47] Unknown:
In fact, Costello, you are entirely liking a personal job. I wouldn't say that. Just put a razor in my hand, and you couldn't tell me from Gregory Peck.
[00:19:56] Unknown:
Gregory Peck. Why you were there isn't a woman in town that'll take a second look? This is Niall's in fright, Costello. But I'll tell you what I'll do. As a judge in this case, I would let you go free if you can get some lady in this courtroom to come up here and kiss you. Are you kidding? Oh, thank you very much, judge. I'll show you how you feel with women. Lady, this is your chance to kiss me. The line forms on the right.
[00:20:22] Unknown:
Come on. Isn't there some good looking young woman in the audience that would like to come up here? Any middle aged lady? Any old lady? Any old man?
[00:20:43] Unknown:
There, because tell him that rude you have no talk. You're going to jail.
[00:20:47] Unknown:
Oh, wait a minute, Judge. Somebody is pushing through the crowd now. Look at them. Push them right through this crowd, Judge. They're gonna come up and kiss me. Oh, there you are, darling. I knew you'd show up. Come on, dear, and kiss me, honey. Thank you,
[00:21:14] Unknown:
Anthony Costello will be back for Hamilton. They're asking just a moment. And now tonight's salute to the men of the armed forces who won through the victory.
[00:21:26] Unknown:
Tonight, we hail the one hundred sixth infantry golden lion division, heroes of Sandeep in the battle of the bulls. Since the beginning of the war, the makers of camels have sent more than 150,000,000 free camels to our fighting men overseas. But now with the mobilization in progress, free camels are sent to servicemen's hospitals instead. This week, the camels go to US Army, AAF Regional Hospital, Hamilton Field, California, US Naval Hospital, Bremerton, Washington, US Marine Hospital, Chiefs Head Bay, Brooklyn, New York, Veterans Hospital, Perry Point, Maryland, veteran Veterans Hospital, Chillicothe, Ohio. In your honor, men of the Golden Lion division.
[00:22:05] Unknown:
Camel broadcast go out to The United States twice a week. Our rebroadcast to practically every area in the world where our men are stationed and to our good neighbors in Central And South America. And I'll hear by Abbott and Lou Costello with the final word. Well, Costello, you kept yourself out of jail by kissing your car, didn't you? I knew I wouldn't go to jail, Abbott. I've never done anything wrong. Nothing at all. In fact, if the audience will just stay for an hour after the show, I'd like to tell you the story of my life. No. No. Not that. Anything but that.
[00:22:32] Unknown:
Wait a minute. Hey. Wait a minute. My life story happens to be very interesting. Yeah? Well, tell me, Beto. What did your mother and father say the day you were born? Why bringetta? That's what I thought they said. Good night, folks. Good night, everybody. Good night. Good Good night, everybody.
Hey, guys. It is Ryan. I'm not sure if you know this about me, but I'm a bit of a fun fanatic when I can. I like to work, but I like fun too. It's a thing. And now the truth is out there. I can tell you about my favorite place to have fun, Chamba Casino. They have hundreds of social casino casino style games to choose from with new games released each week. You can play for free anytime, anywhere, and each day brings a new chance to collect daily bonuses. So join me in the fun. Sign up now at Chumbacasino.com. Judy was boring. Hello. Then Judy discovered Chumbacasino.com.
It's my little escape. Now Judy's the life of the party. Oh, baby. Mama's bringing home the bacon. Woah. Take it easy, Judy. Chumba. The Chumba Life is for everybody. So go to Chumbacasino.com and play over a hundred casino style games. Join today and play for free for your chance to redeem some serious prizes. Chumbacasino.com. No purchase necessary. We were permitted by 18 plus terms and conditions apply. See website for details.
[00:01:10] Unknown:
Hey. Just tell him. Just tell him. What's the idea of coming in here with those overhauls and straw hats? Get my gardening clothes out. I've been I've been out working this one all morning, and I planted two eggs of mashed potatoes. Now wait a minute.
[00:01:23] Unknown:
How how can you plant mashed potatoes?
[00:01:26] Unknown:
I use a hammer. I I
[00:01:29] Unknown:
don't
[00:01:30] Unknown:
I bet you're some godless. What else would you plant? Well, I planted raw onion and then a raw radishes. And then I put some peas and another raw radishes. And then I got some lettuce and another raw radishes. Some more beans and another roll of radishes. Now wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Just a minute. Why did you put every other roll of radishes? I can't help but radishes don't eat on me. Right.
[00:01:54] Unknown:
Forget about it. Let's drop the radishes.
[00:01:56] Unknown:
Come on, please. Let's drop the radish. Let's get on. Well, I don't want any don't let it come right up again. Look.
[00:02:01] Unknown:
Didn't you didn't you plant any any tomatoes? I say didn't you plant any tomatoes? Yeah. I planted all tomatoes. One is a pot. Costello, now that's too close together. It's a tomato and into a funny shape. So what? So what? What do you mean so what? Did did you ever see a short fat tomato? Yeah. I did. But one last night, it's a plenty of
[00:02:22] Unknown:
Oh,
[00:02:23] Unknown:
it's costing, please. Talk to us, Carlos. How how's the dirt around your plate, Lou? I don't know. I haven't had any, lady. No. No. No. I'm talking about the soil. What state is your soil in? The state of California. Dope. I'm talking I'm talking about the condition of the ground. How's the dirt? Oh, it's no good. It's full of worms. I I'm trying to find out if you have any weeds.
[00:02:49] Unknown:
Boy, if I got wheat, I spent an hour this morning calling on a big piece of silver grass. And I pulled and I pulled and I pulled. Then what happened? Finally, the devil came up and said, look, customer, when I want you, I'll serve for you.
[00:03:08] Unknown:
Listen, Cartel. I better help you. By the way, what are you putting in those two acres in back of the barn? At least till I find my place. You know those two new acres you have in back of the barn? What are you what are you planning to do back in?
[00:03:22] Unknown:
Talk. My goodness. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
[00:03:26] Unknown:
You realize
[00:03:27] Unknown:
You realize what you're doing? What? What are you planning in those days? Oh, I'm putting the whole thing in Metro De Jiffy. And then when they grow up, I'll feed the Mexican jellybeans for the cow. This makes the cow easier to look. Makes the cow easier to milk? Yeah. When the cow is full of Mexican jellybeans, I just grab a hole and bring on while the cow jumps.
[00:03:48] Unknown:
Oh, tell us. Tell us. Can you
[00:03:52] Unknown:
please talk, Sandy? Why don't you no. I've I gotta go out in the yard just to hang prunes on all iron streeks. Hang prunes on your iron streeks? Who told you to do that? My uncle Adi seven. That's uncle Adi seven. He said my iron needed pruning.
[00:04:04] Unknown:
Oh, what a joke. Your uncle meant your uncle meant you should get a ladder and saw the limb. You saw the limbs? Really, I saw the limb. They were hanging right in front of me. No. No. No. I mean, did you saw the limbs off the tree? Oh, I saw the limbs on the tree. Look, Costello. I'm trying to tell you that your teeth need trimming.
[00:04:20] Unknown:
You've got to trim it before the set rise. You gotta trim it before the set rise? That's right. What time do you get up? No.
[00:04:27] Unknown:
Please, Costello. Now if you wanna have good orange, yeah, you've not only got to trim the tree, but you must put a smudge pot under it. A what? Smudge pot. Don't you know what a smudge pot is? Oh, sure. A smudge pot is a tin can that smokes and burns oil, and you can find them on any used car lot in Hollywood. No. No. Tell me tell me what kind of orange is growing your tree? Oh, the regular kind. That one. Okay.
[00:04:48] Unknown:
Look, please. Are they Valencia or naval oranges? They're naval oranges. How do you know? I saw a seller picking some.
[00:04:56] Unknown:
How can you be so stupid? You can tell the difference between oranges by the color of the juice. Did you ever squeeze one of your oranges? Yeah. Well, what came out? Milk. Milk. How could oranges have milk in them? Now tell me that. I got the treats on the nursery. Oh, come on. Come on. Come with me. We're going out in the backyard and look at your orange tree. I'm really after them tonight, ain't I? Now it's I don't know. Hey. When I tell you, we're going out in the backyard. Look at your tree. Hey. Wait a minute. Hey. Look out that window. There's three big crow sitting up in your tree. Hey. That crow's got a lot of nerve. Have it. Hand me my straw off shotgun. Okay. Hey. This gun hasn't got any handle. How do you like that? I sawed off the wrong end.
[00:05:32] Unknown:
You better watch what you're doing. You're pointing that gun right at me. Don't worry. I'm sorry. Wanna shoot me? I've got my finger over the hole. Keep it there. Get him back, Abbott. I'll see that crow eat my oranges. Watch me get him. Was that the crow? Yeah. That's the biggest old crow in this neighborhood. That's missus Myers. That's terrible concept. Come on. Let's see what happens.
[00:05:55] Unknown:
Uh-oh.
[00:05:57] Unknown:
There you are, you little fat assaccent.
[00:06:10] Unknown:
Oh,
[00:06:14] Unknown:
oh, there you do when I was up in that street putting oranges in my bucket. That'll teach you to keep your bucket out of my tree. I'm tired of people cutting my Your orange is what? It's so heavy, Cutler, that your orange hangs over into my yard. And the law says whatever hangs over my fence wants me. Oh, yeah? Yeah. Now look, mister Niles. Did you wanna see a five man standing at a bar? Yes. What about does the parts that hangover belong to the bartender? No. No. No. That's fine. You know there ain't no answer to that? I know. Alright. Don't answer it. Gotta tell her. Apologize. I'm just not I'll be knocking her out of that thing. You wanna apologize to me? What's wrong with you? You fell on my head and said my hollyhock is a bitch. Costello, you are not going to get away with this. I'm going to take the court. I'm going to charge you with assault. I'll charge you with batteries. I'll charge you with mayhem, and I'll charge you with a tenth manslaughter.
And it'll cost you a thousand dollars. What do you think of that? How does that do?
[00:07:15] Unknown:
I'm Luke Costello. I am sheriff Yapra Carisi. Miss Costello, I'm here to serve you with
[00:07:23] Unknown:
Hi. I don't care for some.
[00:07:25] Unknown:
Some what? Some peanuts. No. The subpoena is for assault. Awesome. Salt
[00:07:32] Unknown:
subpoena. I still got one, hon. Costello, this this means that missus Niles is going to press the suit against me. She can't press the suit against me. I mean, I don't I don't care for the lady.
[00:07:43] Unknown:
Young man, you can't refuse this subpoena. I'm an officer of the law. Oh, you're an officer of law. That's right. Then you're a public servant. Yes. I am. Get me a glass of water. Take it easy, Lou. Look, you little peep squeak. Don't get funny with me. See this scar? Yeah. Gunfight '19 '40 '1. You see this car? Yeah. Vaccination '19 '40 '6.
[00:08:10] Unknown:
And, boy, is it a ticker?
[00:08:12] Unknown:
Young man, you forget that I'm a sheriff. How do I know you're a sheriff? Read what it says on this bag.
[00:08:18] Unknown:
Ho ho Hoover.
[00:08:21] Unknown:
Donald, I always wear the wrong one. Well, as I tell her, the subpoena says that you are to appear in court tomorrow morning at 10:00. To answer missus Niles, What are you saying? I'm too young to go to jail,
[00:08:34] Unknown:
to think that I have four boys who have never been away from my mother's death and scream, shall become a victim of foul circumstances, to be incarcerated behind old white walls like a common criminal, to be done by the people of society, a less than a lack a lack of lack.
[00:08:59] Unknown:
No. But Universal Studios tell me to hand it up tonight if I got a chance. Alright. Stop stop telling me I got told.
[00:09:07] Unknown:
This is serious, Louis.
[00:09:09] Unknown:
First thing you've gotta do is, get out and get some character witnesses. Heaven's doing no good, Evan. You mean you have no witnesses? I got no character. Oh, I'm so upset. I've gotta get out and get some character witnesses. Come on.
[00:09:25] Unknown:
Go Hollywood. I'm fine. Yeah. But I know where I can get a good witness. Let's stop here and see my old girlfriend, Tessie Tinfoil. Oh, man. Come in. Alright, Tessy. You certainly looking wonderful. Well, thank you, my little fat mother boy. Everyone tells me I have an hourglass figure. Looks like all the sand stopped at half past four. What really, Tess? You look lovely in those sunset bust flats. What do you mean sunset bust flats? Standing room only. Oh, no. You say that you would be. Lord, it's just gonna lay an egg. You know, I was in for the park last night and defenses were reporting.
I was in for the park last night. Defense was reporting. Hope gets nothing with it. I don't expect
[00:10:19] Unknown:
nothing. Not, Stella. You came here looking for a witness. Remember? Oh, yes. Patsy, could you go to courthouse with me tomorrow morning at 10:00? Oh, I'd love to. But I'm giving you a lecture on biology tomorrow morning. You know, biology is one of my favorite subjects, and I can safely say that I know more about the human body than anybody else. You sure you have one longer than anybody else.
[00:10:40] Unknown:
Well, you didn't get yourself a witness there. Next to next door, she's Scotty Brown. He'll bounce for me.
[00:10:47] Unknown:
I wish you would not talk so hard down the door, Lattice. There's a burglar under the bed. Burglar under the bed? Gollibee. No. The burglar's asleep, and when he wakes up, I'm going to charge him for a night's lodging. Hey, Scotty. I have to go to court at 10:00 in the morning. I'd like to have you appear as a character witness for me. I'm very sorry, Lottie, but I have to go to the doctor's in the morning to have my hand dressed. A a terrible burn between my thumb and my index finger. How did you burn your fingers, Scott? Well, a bunch of my Scotch friends and I had a smoker last night, and I was thirteenth on the match.
[00:11:20] Unknown:
Scotty,
[00:11:21] Unknown:
can't we just come in for a minute and talk to you? No. You can't. My wife is in the living room taking a bath. Your wife is taking a bath in the living room? Hi, Lottie. The people upstairs let their bathtub run over, and it's leaking through our ceiling. And my wife is standing under the leak taking a shower. Well, Gastel, you haven't got a character with us yet. Wait a minute, Abbot. There's my friend, Fessi Me Mucho. She's getting out of the car. Oh, yohoo. What's that? Oh, hello, boy. I haven't time to talk to you now. I'm on my way to the Santa Fe Railroad Depot.
[00:11:54] Unknown:
Simply Depot. Oh, Alvin. You know what that is. That's where you buy your drink, Took it. Where are you going, Bessie?
[00:12:04] Unknown:
I'm taking the Santa Fe back to Cincinnati. Cincinnati?
[00:12:08] Unknown:
Yeah. You know where Cincinnati is. Oh, yeah. I text back in the state of oh hoo hoo.
[00:12:17] Unknown:
I'm going both there to be Toastmaster at a banquet given by the chamber of commerce. What could be more thrilling than being surrounded by a bunch of men at a banquet? I'd rather sit around a weenie roost with a bunch of girl scoops. Well, I've got the daughter along now. The house of love is And a nice woman to kiss it to you too.
[00:12:40] Unknown:
Yeah.
[00:12:41] Unknown:
Costello, what are you going to do now? Well,
[00:12:43] Unknown:
hey. You know what I think, Abbot? What? I'm getting tired of asking my friends to be character with it all. You can always get more out of a stranger. I'm gonna ask that new man that just moved in next door. Come on. I'll I'll tell him we're at it from Costello, and I'll bet he'll do anything for us. Go ahead.
[00:12:57] Unknown:
Well, what do you want? Mister, you're not in very good mood this morning. Who would be? I'm a listener of the radio. These lousy, horny comedians and their fun jokes, tying prunes on an orange tree. Hourglass figure with a sand stuck in one end. What do you think we listeners are? A bunch of morons? Thousands of dollars a week for sale joke. I that's my my hands on one radio comedian. I'd throttle. My turn of it. I'd break every bone in his body. I'd ram every one of those corny jokes down his throat. Belle, who are you?
[00:13:44] Unknown:
Turn of the what?
[00:13:49] Unknown:
Order in the court. Order in the court. The caller. The caller comes, please. Now it's safe. The case of missus Niles, Bruce Costello. The prisoner will now step to the bar. The prisoner is charged with perforating missus Niles' bucket while she was filling it with orange.
[00:14:21] Unknown:
Look, mister Miles, why can't you talk to me? I didn't mean to speak with you. Honestly, I didn't. I wouldn't harm anybody. I was brought up all time to everybody because I am a voice scout. You're a voice scout? What are those two stripes on your arm? I belong to the trunk patrol.
[00:14:36] Unknown:
Costello, you're not gonna talk me out of pressing my Vadis, I demand that you swear in this defense. Very well. The defendant, Lou Costello, raise your right hand and swear on this bar of soap. Where to fire soap before? We want you to come
[00:14:52] Unknown:
clean. Hammond,
[00:14:53] Unknown:
you'll get ready to send me to jail. You got it through something. Don't worry, Costello. I've got you the greatest lawyer in town. Then here I am, your old friend, Melon Head. Ah, Costello. I'm a lawyer of the old school. Looks like the old school needs a new roof. Look. Now now don't you make remarks about my bald head, Costello. After all, I'm a good egg. That's the first egg I ever saw where the player is.
[00:15:17] Unknown:
Yeah. But I don't want this guy to defend me. Why not? I'd rather have my other uncle, Jay Emmanuel. He's the greatest and the cleverest lawyer in the country. Oh, yeah? Where did he study law? He went to bachelor for four years. You idiot. Bachelor happens to be a girls' school. Well, that pays your smart guy to get away with that, don't it?
[00:15:34] Unknown:
Right. So, well, here comes the judge. Everybody rise. Judging his honor, judge Bill Pop's door to you. Alright, Baylor. Bring in the bring in the bring in the bring in the cake. Will the jury please be cheated? I always forget to put the seats in the jury box.
[00:16:08] Unknown:
Defense ready. Your honor, I would like to have a few minutes to draw up my brief. Now how do you like that? I'm gonna go to jail. This guy has to stop to pull up his joint.
[00:16:19] Unknown:
And I'll cut down his piece of paper. No wonder he he rustles when he walks. Order the card. The defendant will kindly address the bench. Hi, offense. Hello. Let your while you do the talking. Your honor, I am representing this defendant, mister Costello. It seems that my client with malicious intent took a shot at a poor, defensive woman while she was picking oranges out of a tree. He knocked her to the ground. He ruined her bucket, and he did her he did her, your honor. He did this woman great bodily injury. The defense rep.
[00:16:54] Unknown:
Wait a minute, man. Head. Whose side are you on? Hello? Kindly sit down in front. But just I said sit down in front. I don't think that way.
[00:17:05] Unknown:
Hello?
[00:17:08] Unknown:
Do you realize I'm justice? And I'm justice too. Justice who? Just as good as you are.
[00:17:15] Unknown:
Wait a minute, Costello. You can't talk that way to the judge. That's the most contemptible thing I've heard in all my years at the bar. Well, a little less time at the bar, you wouldn't be so contemptible. Tell him why I told you to let you why you do the talking? That's right. Abbott Costello, you promised tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth? I do. Your honor, we plead insanity.
[00:17:39] Unknown:
Just a minute. Just a minute. This whole case is a part. I demand that you find Patel guilty. Missus Niles, I can't do that. I haven't heard the evidence. Look. I appealed you as a man.
[00:17:50] Unknown:
Don't even appeal to me as a woman.
[00:17:53] Unknown:
I object. You object. What for? I haven't had a line of communication.
[00:17:59] Unknown:
Well, stick around. Stick around and I'll give you a sentence. I need
[00:18:06] Unknown:
to keep going. Go ahead. You want me to make you things worse? Look, Joanna, I'd like to plead my own case. I couldn't do anything wrong really. I couldn't because I've always been very bad for you guys. I remember on my twelfth birthday, my mother and my daughter would they gave me a nice little dresser for my bedroom. I was so bashful I kept the dresser turned to the wall. Yep. Dresser turned to the wall. Why? I didn't want the drawers to show. Miss Cello, I'll listen to your play if you can produce a character with me. Okay. I'd like to present as a character with us a young girlfriend of mine, miss Cipe LeBlanc. Here I am, miss Cotello. Come on over here. Get your poor old father.
I am jacked. This young lady has nothing to present at this point. Are you kidding? Speaking, I knew your big brown eyes would get them.
[00:18:58] Unknown:
Listen. Will you kindly take a chair? No. Let her sit up here on the bench with me. I'm lost. Now, miss LeBlanc, kindly tell the court.
[00:19:08] Unknown:
Ma'am, it's an 58 LeBlanc.
[00:19:10] Unknown:
What is the 8 then?
[00:19:12] Unknown:
Hillside 2184.
[00:19:14] Unknown:
I object. You okay? Yeah. She's in the Hillside 2184. What are you doing tonight? Oh, I'm sorry. Just but I'm going steady, mister Costello. I will be true to him as long as he lives. Costello, I sent you to be hanged at dawn.
[00:19:31] Unknown:
Get on it. You can't do this. My friend Costello is an honest man, an innocent man. He didn't. Miles? I don't care about that. He has no business wasting his time with a beautiful girl like Gigi LeBlanc. A man as ugly as Costello couldn't possibly have any integrity of character.
[00:19:47] Unknown:
In fact, Costello, you are entirely liking a personal job. I wouldn't say that. Just put a razor in my hand, and you couldn't tell me from Gregory Peck.
[00:19:56] Unknown:
Gregory Peck. Why you were there isn't a woman in town that'll take a second look? This is Niall's in fright, Costello. But I'll tell you what I'll do. As a judge in this case, I would let you go free if you can get some lady in this courtroom to come up here and kiss you. Are you kidding? Oh, thank you very much, judge. I'll show you how you feel with women. Lady, this is your chance to kiss me. The line forms on the right.
[00:20:22] Unknown:
Come on. Isn't there some good looking young woman in the audience that would like to come up here? Any middle aged lady? Any old lady? Any old man?
[00:20:43] Unknown:
There, because tell him that rude you have no talk. You're going to jail.
[00:20:47] Unknown:
Oh, wait a minute, Judge. Somebody is pushing through the crowd now. Look at them. Push them right through this crowd, Judge. They're gonna come up and kiss me. Oh, there you are, darling. I knew you'd show up. Come on, dear, and kiss me, honey. Thank you,
[00:21:14] Unknown:
Anthony Costello will be back for Hamilton. They're asking just a moment. And now tonight's salute to the men of the armed forces who won through the victory.
[00:21:26] Unknown:
Tonight, we hail the one hundred sixth infantry golden lion division, heroes of Sandeep in the battle of the bulls. Since the beginning of the war, the makers of camels have sent more than 150,000,000 free camels to our fighting men overseas. But now with the mobilization in progress, free camels are sent to servicemen's hospitals instead. This week, the camels go to US Army, AAF Regional Hospital, Hamilton Field, California, US Naval Hospital, Bremerton, Washington, US Marine Hospital, Chiefs Head Bay, Brooklyn, New York, Veterans Hospital, Perry Point, Maryland, veteran Veterans Hospital, Chillicothe, Ohio. In your honor, men of the Golden Lion division.
[00:22:05] Unknown:
Camel broadcast go out to The United States twice a week. Our rebroadcast to practically every area in the world where our men are stationed and to our good neighbors in Central And South America. And I'll hear by Abbott and Lou Costello with the final word. Well, Costello, you kept yourself out of jail by kissing your car, didn't you? I knew I wouldn't go to jail, Abbott. I've never done anything wrong. Nothing at all. In fact, if the audience will just stay for an hour after the show, I'd like to tell you the story of my life. No. No. Not that. Anything but that.
[00:22:32] Unknown:
Wait a minute. Hey. Wait a minute. My life story happens to be very interesting. Yeah? Well, tell me, Beto. What did your mother and father say the day you were born? Why bringetta? That's what I thought they said. Good night, folks. Good night, everybody. Good night. Good Good night, everybody.
