In this lively episode, Ryan shares a humorous anecdote about playing Chumba Casino games on a flight, only to find the person next to him doing the same. The conversation quickly shifts to a comedic skit featuring Abbott and Costello, filled with witty banter and slapstick humor. The duo engages in a series of hilarious exchanges, including a mix-up at a restaurant, a comical boxing story, and a playful argument about a diamond in Africa.
The episode continues with a series of comedic sketches, including a nautical adventure with a gruff sea captain and a jungle expedition in search of the mythical "Costello Diamond." Along the way, listeners are treated to classic Abbott and Costello humor, complete with misunderstandings, wordplay, and absurd situations. The show wraps up with a nod to the duo's timeless appeal, leaving the audience in stitches and eager for more.
(00:00) Introduction and Casino Games
(01:14) Dinner Mishaps and Professional Fighting
(03:27) Abbott and Costello Show Begins
(10:02) Costello's Cable from Africa
(16:00) Journey to Africa and Nautical Adventures
(22:08) The Quest for the Costello Diamond
(24:12) Closing Remarks and Future Plans
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[00:00:00]
Unknown:
Hello. It is Ryan, and I was on a flight the other day playing one of my favorite social spin slot games on chumbacasino.com. I looked over the person sitting next to me, and you know what they were doing? They were also playing Chumba casino. Coincidence? I think not. Everybody's loving having fun with it. Chumba Casino is home to hundreds of casino style games that you can play for free anytime, anywhere, even at 30,000 feet. So sign up now at chumbacasino.com to claim your free welcome bonus at chumba casino dot com and live the Chumba life. No purchase necessary.
[00:00:31] Unknown:
With Lucky Lancelot,
[00:00:32] Unknown:
you can get lucky just about anywhere. Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to has anyone seen the bride and groom?
[00:00:39] Unknown:
Sorry. Sorry. We're here. We were getting lucky in the limo, and we lost track of time.
[00:00:44] Unknown:
No. Lucky Land Casino with cash prizes that add up quicker than a guest registry.
[00:00:49] Unknown:
In that case, I pronounce you lucky.
[00:00:52] Unknown:
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[00:01:14] Unknown:
Alright, Cecil. I'll see you. You're late wherever you've been. Well, I sat down for dinner at Rick at the thirty five Club restaurant. I got into a trip to hide me with the waiter. He yelled and screamed at me in front of everybody. Well, when somebody yelled at you like that, the thing to do is give them a false answer. I did. I hit him in the face with a cut of ties. I got so mad. I cleaned it. You fainted? Yes. I painted with my right and strung with my left. I did in the zero one three. What happened to two? I got that. That's all. You can stay out of five. You can't. Five.
Yeah? No. When I hit the guy, I thought I had a left type in my hand. Now what made him think that? I had a left pipe in my hand. You know how you do a little professional fighting around Patterson? Ace in the hole cut down, you used to call me. Why ace in the hole? I was always face down. What happened to your fighting drill, Lou? I finally lost my crown with Joe Louis. Your crown? Yeah. My crown, my bridge, the three of my good teeth. Are you are you sick of losing fighting Joe Louis? Oh, it's an accident, Abbot. On the first round, I thought I recognized somebody in the fourth row. Who was it? I looked again. It was me.
That's just the beginning, folks. Twenty seven half minutes of Abbott and Costello still to come. But first, hear this. A gasoline boat plant is a sort of halfway point where gas is stored for delivery to service stations. And it's a fine old tradition of the gas business that the motorist who runs out of gas near a PDQ bulk plant gets a gallon to see him on his way even though gasoline is not ordinarily retail there. Now I tell you this because the other afternoon, a '46 Buick fuddered and died near a PDQ pump plant, and the boys put a spot of gas in the man's tank and said, oh, that's alright. Waste him on his way. Well, he was no more than gone when around the block and back again he came. Out of his car and pointing this way and that and shouting, hey. It doesn't sing. What kind of gas was that? PDQ gases.
Yeah. But my car always sings, he said. Now it doesn't. Now you're using PDQ, they said. And so he drove away happy as a lark and looking for a PDQ station. He'd made a great discovery. Morrow, if your car pings, just run out of gas in front of a PDQ station. Next on the program, the Abbott and Costello Show. Gustela. Gustela, come over here. Just look at me. Your pants, Gus, are dragging you on the ground. What what's the idea? It's a loose eye out of it. I listen to all my pants. Worries. Why? To compete with the new look. The new look. If the girls will let me look at their legs, I'm not gonna look. Let them look at mine. What's the idea of wearing? What's the idea of wearing your best suit to work? My club is giving a big party tonight. We're gonna have favorites for all the girls. At 12:00, we're gonna turn out all the lights. Aren't you going to have any favors for the men? What do you call turning out all the lights?
I suppose you're taking that redhead that lives next door to you. No. We had a lover's back. I have to go with her. She's been married three times and had eight children. Yes? Yes. If she's trying to make me jealous, I'm gonna break our engagement. Who are you taking to the party? One of the powers models, Abbot. You know the names that kept those funny names? Is it Candy Jones? No. Is it Billy Williams? No. Is it, Johnson? No. I got it. Sour Cream Shapiro. Sour Cream Shapiro. Take our cellars. She's the most popular girl in this neck of the woods. Having any girl at Dixon The Woods has got to be popular. Sour Cream Shapiro. Sour Cream Shapiro. Isn't that a peculiar name for a girl? Oh, no. That's just a professional name, Adam. What what what's her real name? Sour Cream Schwartz.
I can hardly wait until Saturday night. Right. I'm taking her to a birthday party. Those models are pretty fun girls, Godzilla. You know, my wife Betty used to be a model. She's got a face like a million dollars. Yes, sir. Long, green, and wrinkled. I Godzilla, that's just your opinion. Some people think he's pretty and some people think she's a homey. They're both right. She's pretty homeless. How can you say that about my wife, Betty? George. She has long golden hair halfway down her back. Yes. It's too bad it didn't grow on her head. But anyway, my wife is smart. She has a trigger mind. Yes. Wish you could screw this. You ought to give it back to Trigger.
Stella, how can you stand out here and deliberately insult my wife? Leave me evidence of pleasure. Not only that, but every time you meet her, you insult her to her face. Every time I meet her, she still has the same face. That's hello. It's my wife, Betty. Oh. Get out tonight. The barracuda are running tonight. Will you be barracuda? I heard what you said about me. You pumped up, pick up, put hot deli, take me. Why I'll break up my phone and call you back? Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute, honey. Take it easy. I still don't know what he said. Why was he insulting my beauty? Just tell him I'll have you in overland payment for my gorgeous skin. I for years, my sister has been finally getting skin like yours.
Well, now, really, that's all. Is your sister up? You picking? No. She makes alligator bags. Just a minute, honey. I'll handle it. I am not going to stand here and listen to you. You're calling my wife. You hear me? Well I'm just not going to stand for it. Well, what are you gonna do about it? I'm gonna sit down. Hold on. Whose side are you on? Well, I'm on your side, honey. You know I love you. Don't I always treat you like a gentleman? Yes. About time that you treat me like a lady. I'll have you know that three men proposed to me before I married you, Philip, Roger, and Grant. And when I married you, they were so unhappy that Philip took poison, Rogers took gas And Grant took Richmond. I didn't know that. I want you to show some respect to my wife. Can't you? More. More. More. More. I'm always last night when I was walking Betty home, we came to a big big mud puddle and I threw our coat down in the mud.
And the next time you do it, take me out of the coat first. That's what my wife has said there, and I'm glad it wasn't me. Funny. You're so witty. Oh, honey. I'm not half as witty as you. Oh, I'm not half as witty as you. But I'm not half as witty as you. Really? I'm not half as witty. Ladies and gentlemen, you have just heard from a couple of past words. Well, buddy, I gotta be going now. Why don't we have the kettle for dinner tomorrow night? You really want to have me for dinner tomorrow night? Why? Of course. We will have dinner at seven. You get there at four.
Why so early? Every time is stuff, you stick an apple in your mouth and fly there. That's all. I don't blame my wife for getting mad at you. You have one big mouth. What did you expect me to have? Two little women? I tell you, your your ignorance is amazing. What do you do to get so stupid? I can't tell you. Why? It's an old recipe that's been in our family for years. And you shouldn't call me out. We should be pals like Damon and Stitch, Stanley and Livingston, and the Russo brothers. Who are the Russo brothers? They're my tailors, and I promise to get them a plug tonight. I'm always in hot water to stay fit in hot water until all my strength is gone. Who are you? Oh, just no teabag.
That's sad as nephew, folks. If he had his life to live over again, he'd be a fool. Don't settle. Wait a minute now. First, you insult my wife. Now you're sick of my nephew. I don't have to work on this, Don't settle. You know, I was with Satello's band for three years. Phil Satello had an all girl band. Now how could you stay with them for three years? I kept my mouth shut. I can't give you nice to Norman Costello. I'm nice. When he was sick in the hospital, I sent him flowers tonight. Yeah. Lily. Well, was it my fault that the operation was a success? Tablegram, Blue Costello. Tablegram, Blue Costello. Blue Costello. I'm Blue Costello. Here. That'll be $4.95.
Collect. $4.95? Yes. $5. Keep it changed. Thank you. Don't listen it. I'd be ashamed to. I wonder who would be sending me a cable. Well, why don't you open and find out? Hey. That's a good idea. Why don't I think of things like that? Oh, Cabot is from Africa. Listen to this. Dear Lou Costello, we, the people of Southeast Africa, enjoy your radio programs very much. As you know, we have the largest diamond mines in the world here in Africa. And in your honor, we have named the biggest diamond in the world for Lou Costello Simon. If you can arrange to come to Africa, we will be very happy to present this diamond to you. I'm William Ackerman, president of the American and African Diamond Syndicate. Wait a minute. This is wonderful, Costello. We're rich. Think of it. You own the largest diamond in the world, the Costello diamond.
That is some rock. I'll bet it ain't as big as the rock that my aunt even got for her birthday. You gonna be rock? Yes. And the warden says she better have it all broken up before her flu comes through. You know nothing about diamonds. Is that so? I just used a little of a diamond for Christmas that is as big as a sausage. A real diamond? Well, if she took it down and had it appraised, the jewel was checking if she ever dropped it, she'd have seven years bad luck. I'll tell you what we'll do. We go to Athens. Get the diamond. Get back here. We'll tell it, and you'll split the money with things. I'll split the money with you. Yeah. Well, no. You're telling me. Oh, alright. Oh, I've always gotta give in. Then I'll split the money with you. That's better. Sorry. Wait a minute. That's the same thing. Why should I split it with you? It's my diamond, ain't it? But Lou, don't don't we always split everything? I get you right out of it. If I had two cigarettes, I'd give you one. That's right. And if I had two pairs of shoes, I'd give you one. That's right. And if I had two blondes, yes. Why don't you like that cigarette? Put on those shoes and take a walk for yourself. Now we got Stella. We're going to last. I hope you're not afraid of wild animals. Me? No. I'm not afraid of lions. I wish we went out and filled a lion with my club. You filled a lion with your club? Yes. Course. There's 200 members in my club. I I don't believe you were ever in Africa. Oh, no. One time I was a big game. I was I was big game hunting in Africa with my brother-in-law. A wild alligator attacked my brother-in-law. I threw my trusty gun to my shoulder and fired. Did you get him? I never missed. Is this stuff I'm wearing? Yeah. Genuine alligator? Nope. Genuine brother-in-law.
Well, come on, Abbot. We're gonna go to Africa and get that diamond. I'm Ma'am, Castillo, tell your mother we're leaving for Africa to get the Costello diamond? Yes. To my mother and sister, I go on a boat and send my baggage on another. Why? That's in case either one of the boats get down. She won't lose everything. Okay. Oh, Oh, yeah. Well, my uncle Mike put a boat bill and he built a banana boat. He sailed it halfway across the ocean in his tank. Why does it sink? You can't build a boat out of bananas. Well, this is bad because it might be dangerous as that. I know what I'll do. I'll call up Johnny Carson White's mother to go with it. He ain't afraid of dangers. He fights crocodiles. He breaks, nicks in half. He goes through earthquakes and floods. He ain't afraid of nothing. Well, go ahead and call him. Okay?
Hello? Hello? Johnny Whiteman? Johnny, this is Luke Costello. I'd like you to go to Apathy with me. Oh, well, goodbye. Well, what a car didn't say. Cleaning and this mother will let him out of the house. Well, we're going anyway. Did you say goodbye to all your friends? Paul, but Hetty Lamar. It's gonna be tough. It's gonna be real tough taking Hetty in my arm. Kissing it. But you don't even know Hetty Lamar. That's what makes it so tough. You're that coward. Think of it as a glorious such a trip. He didn't even turn out to be a discoverer like Columbus. By taking that trip, he found out that the world was around you. Rather be a discoverer like secretary of state marshal. He took a trip and found out that the world was flat. Busted.
Shame on you. I thought you were a brave man. Well, you told me your uncle Mike was a lion on us. He was. Once uncle Mike was once uncle Mike shot a five legged lion. Are you sure the lion had five legs? Sure. Four of his own and one of uncle Mike. It's nonsense. What is that can of powder you're carrying? My own infection. Dehydrated water. We're going through the jungle where there's no water for miles. This will come in handy. Dehydrated water? Yes. Powder works. Just hoping the can take a little of the powder? Yes. Mix it with water. Come on, Cat. Tell them we're going down to the doctor to see if we can get a gift that's gonna take us to Africa.
Claim your time. Hello? There's an old sailor over there. Ask him if he knows the boat is going to Africa. Pardon me, sir? Do you know the ship that's sailing for Africa?
[00:16:08] Unknown:
There's one. That filthy barnacle crushed a tub over there nicknamed my captain Bilgewater, the lowest most English master on the seventeenth.
[00:16:20] Unknown:
What's the name of that boat? This is Willow Fox. Come on, Godzilla. We're gonna talk to the captain of this ship. He let us work our way down after testing. Oh, there, captain. Just just cracking you to the wall. I'm talking to my first mate. Don't quit. Disobeyed my orders, I said raise the anchor. You claim you didn't hear me. Know what that means? Send me the cat and I failed. Take that and that and that. Being it's your birthday, one more for good luck. Oh, take what I said. The meat's birthday. That's it. Now soda made over for you.
I used to blow up. What do you want? Happen. Do you see a little fat fellow go by you just a minute ago? Oh. Well, here I go now. Come back here. Captain, that's all I wanna get to Africa. Hey. Can can you use two sea falling men? Yeah. I could use a couple of Abel's demons, but my second mate had an accident today. He was coming out of that galley and he's British skull on the mainmast. Well, didn't he know the master there? No. He didn't even know I was gonna throw it at him. But tell him, you're a good sailor. Yes, sir.
Remember that terrific storm the Queen Mary was in last winter? Yeah. Well, everybody on that boat was sick except me. Why'd you get sick? I ain't never been on the Queen Mary. My boy, I've been sailing through storm for twenty years. Well, that's nothing that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that I said.
I like you too, guys. I'm gonna take you to Africa on my step. Abbott, you'll be my first mate. Costello, you'll be my second mate. Both at the same time? First mate. Aren't you afraid of getting arrested for bigamy? Come on. We're coming off. Captain has washed overboard. We've lost all our instruments. There's a storm coming up. What can we do? Batten down the hatches. I did batten down the hatches. Batten them down again. We'll throw those hatches. Please. We gotta bring this tip at the port. I'll get up on the bridge and call out the orders. You repeat them back to me. I'll repeat all the orders back to you guys. Get them. Read the main tail. Read the main tail. Close the scuppers. Close the scuppers. Loop your poop deck. Loop your poop deck. Leave your main sail. Close this cover. Blow your jib. Manual apple. Tilt your rudder. Port your helm.
Loop your poop deck. Okay, Edith. You grab the scoop. I'll take the other end. Now I'll tie this one. Now I'll tie this one. Now I'll tie this one. Now I'll tie this one. Now I'll tie this one. Now I'll tie this one. Now I'll tie this one. Now I'll tie this one. Because now I'll tie this. Wait a minute. Now I'll tie this. Marcella, what are you doing? I'm trying to make 20 knots an hour. Hello, Ask him if he knows the way to the Costello Diamond. He's too Banky. Me? Costello. You know where we find Costello Diamond? He's too Banky. Why don't you answer me? I can't. You're standing on my lower lip.
Keith, you have it. We still wasn't off the beat. Did I? Keith, you're back. Keith, you look like a guide. Maybe you could help us. Yeah. I was a good guide. Five years ago, when Frank Buck came here, he went a thousand miles into the jungle. Last year, Buck was here, and he only went 40 miles. What does that prove? Shut up. Fuck. Don't go as far as it used to. Stevie Baggage, Cassello was summoned to Africa to be presented with the Cassello diamond. You know how we can find it? Yes. Get through that jungle of the diamond compound. But first, I have to get the permission of the ladies for you to pass through. I'll send a message on this drum.
Just what message? Send. Yeah. I said, Emerson Costello requests permission to enter your territory to be presented with the Costello diamond. Listen. Here come the answer. Yes. Yeah. Just follow that path through to the jungle. Yes. Come on, Gaston. Be careful. This jungle is full of wild animals. What? Big monkey following us. I think he picked up your son. What makes you think he picked up my son? He's holding his nose. Look, Castell. It's the head man of the village coming to greet us. Yeah. Welcome there, mister Gavin. It's Godzilla. Hey. How did you know I need? Are you kidding? I played the part of the cute baggy thief on the last page.
Last well, shut my mouth. My good day we come I didn't see you all. My good day we come thousands of miles. What a sigh you all? What a sigh you all? I'm from the Southern part of Italy. We've come thousands of miles to get the Costello Diamond. Could you tell us where it is? Yeah. It's yours right up there where all them you bandies are playing baseball. You mean that's the Costello Diamond? You is the biggest baseball diamond in averages. You know all the you know all the players, aren't you? Oh, it's good. But the players in Africa have fun evenings. Now boo's on second and boo's on first. Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on.
Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on first full pack to teleport to come out. Alright. You two guys, pull over there. I'm gonna give you a ticket. You're a Hollywood Cop, and we're 8,000 miles away in the middle of the African jungle. You can't give us a ticket. Oh, yeah? You're still inside the Los Angeles city limit. And that's not all. The boys will be back in just a minute after a few wise words from this fellow. Yeah. Thank you, mister chairman. This time, ladies and gentlemen, before we continue with the entertainment, I, I have several announcements to make.
On Thursday at, tomorrow, Thursday, you'll get together with your neighborhood PDQ dealer and fill up with gas. We're expecting a big turnout, so let's all be there. Friday, that's it, day after tomorrow. It's a good day to have your PDQ dealer change your oil. All motorists are invited. There'll be plenty of free air and water for everybody. And now, some dealers report they haven't received PDQ credit card applications from all of you. Like to have you take care of that right away. It's important. Forms are available at all PDQ service stations. PDQ performance committee reports the elimination of a great many ping. Now I know you'll all join me in saying great work, fellas.
Great work. Now turn the meeting back to chairman Charlie of the entertainment committee. You ready, bud and Lou? Okay. Thank you. Hello. Here are evidence of Stella with the final word. Well, Cassella, we certainly went on a fool's errand tonight in Africa. But I'm going back there someday with the greatest hunter in the world, Frank Paul Buck. Don't you mean don't you mean Frank Buck? Nope. Paul Buck. He's 10 times better than Buck. Good night. This is ABC, the American Broadcasting Company.
Hello. It is Ryan, and I was on a flight the other day playing one of my favorite social spin slot games on chumbacasino.com. I looked over the person sitting next to me, and you know what they were doing? They were also playing Chumba casino. Coincidence? I think not. Everybody's loving having fun with it. Chumba Casino is home to hundreds of casino style games that you can play for free anytime, anywhere, even at 30,000 feet. So sign up now at chumbacasino.com to claim your free welcome bonus at chumba casino dot com and live the Chumba life. No purchase necessary.
[00:00:31] Unknown:
With Lucky Lancelot,
[00:00:32] Unknown:
you can get lucky just about anywhere. Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to has anyone seen the bride and groom?
[00:00:39] Unknown:
Sorry. Sorry. We're here. We were getting lucky in the limo, and we lost track of time.
[00:00:44] Unknown:
No. Lucky Land Casino with cash prizes that add up quicker than a guest registry.
[00:00:49] Unknown:
In that case, I pronounce you lucky.
[00:00:52] Unknown:
Play for free at luckylandslots.com. Daily bonuses are waiting. No purchase necessary. Void where prohibited by law. 18 plus. Terms and conditions apply. See website for prohibited by law. 18 plus. Terms and conditions apply. See website for details.
[00:01:14] Unknown:
Alright, Cecil. I'll see you. You're late wherever you've been. Well, I sat down for dinner at Rick at the thirty five Club restaurant. I got into a trip to hide me with the waiter. He yelled and screamed at me in front of everybody. Well, when somebody yelled at you like that, the thing to do is give them a false answer. I did. I hit him in the face with a cut of ties. I got so mad. I cleaned it. You fainted? Yes. I painted with my right and strung with my left. I did in the zero one three. What happened to two? I got that. That's all. You can stay out of five. You can't. Five.
Yeah? No. When I hit the guy, I thought I had a left type in my hand. Now what made him think that? I had a left pipe in my hand. You know how you do a little professional fighting around Patterson? Ace in the hole cut down, you used to call me. Why ace in the hole? I was always face down. What happened to your fighting drill, Lou? I finally lost my crown with Joe Louis. Your crown? Yeah. My crown, my bridge, the three of my good teeth. Are you are you sick of losing fighting Joe Louis? Oh, it's an accident, Abbot. On the first round, I thought I recognized somebody in the fourth row. Who was it? I looked again. It was me.
That's just the beginning, folks. Twenty seven half minutes of Abbott and Costello still to come. But first, hear this. A gasoline boat plant is a sort of halfway point where gas is stored for delivery to service stations. And it's a fine old tradition of the gas business that the motorist who runs out of gas near a PDQ bulk plant gets a gallon to see him on his way even though gasoline is not ordinarily retail there. Now I tell you this because the other afternoon, a '46 Buick fuddered and died near a PDQ pump plant, and the boys put a spot of gas in the man's tank and said, oh, that's alright. Waste him on his way. Well, he was no more than gone when around the block and back again he came. Out of his car and pointing this way and that and shouting, hey. It doesn't sing. What kind of gas was that? PDQ gases.
Yeah. But my car always sings, he said. Now it doesn't. Now you're using PDQ, they said. And so he drove away happy as a lark and looking for a PDQ station. He'd made a great discovery. Morrow, if your car pings, just run out of gas in front of a PDQ station. Next on the program, the Abbott and Costello Show. Gustela. Gustela, come over here. Just look at me. Your pants, Gus, are dragging you on the ground. What what's the idea? It's a loose eye out of it. I listen to all my pants. Worries. Why? To compete with the new look. The new look. If the girls will let me look at their legs, I'm not gonna look. Let them look at mine. What's the idea of wearing? What's the idea of wearing your best suit to work? My club is giving a big party tonight. We're gonna have favorites for all the girls. At 12:00, we're gonna turn out all the lights. Aren't you going to have any favors for the men? What do you call turning out all the lights?
I suppose you're taking that redhead that lives next door to you. No. We had a lover's back. I have to go with her. She's been married three times and had eight children. Yes? Yes. If she's trying to make me jealous, I'm gonna break our engagement. Who are you taking to the party? One of the powers models, Abbot. You know the names that kept those funny names? Is it Candy Jones? No. Is it Billy Williams? No. Is it, Johnson? No. I got it. Sour Cream Shapiro. Sour Cream Shapiro. Take our cellars. She's the most popular girl in this neck of the woods. Having any girl at Dixon The Woods has got to be popular. Sour Cream Shapiro. Sour Cream Shapiro. Isn't that a peculiar name for a girl? Oh, no. That's just a professional name, Adam. What what what's her real name? Sour Cream Schwartz.
I can hardly wait until Saturday night. Right. I'm taking her to a birthday party. Those models are pretty fun girls, Godzilla. You know, my wife Betty used to be a model. She's got a face like a million dollars. Yes, sir. Long, green, and wrinkled. I Godzilla, that's just your opinion. Some people think he's pretty and some people think she's a homey. They're both right. She's pretty homeless. How can you say that about my wife, Betty? George. She has long golden hair halfway down her back. Yes. It's too bad it didn't grow on her head. But anyway, my wife is smart. She has a trigger mind. Yes. Wish you could screw this. You ought to give it back to Trigger.
Stella, how can you stand out here and deliberately insult my wife? Leave me evidence of pleasure. Not only that, but every time you meet her, you insult her to her face. Every time I meet her, she still has the same face. That's hello. It's my wife, Betty. Oh. Get out tonight. The barracuda are running tonight. Will you be barracuda? I heard what you said about me. You pumped up, pick up, put hot deli, take me. Why I'll break up my phone and call you back? Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute, honey. Take it easy. I still don't know what he said. Why was he insulting my beauty? Just tell him I'll have you in overland payment for my gorgeous skin. I for years, my sister has been finally getting skin like yours.
Well, now, really, that's all. Is your sister up? You picking? No. She makes alligator bags. Just a minute, honey. I'll handle it. I am not going to stand here and listen to you. You're calling my wife. You hear me? Well I'm just not going to stand for it. Well, what are you gonna do about it? I'm gonna sit down. Hold on. Whose side are you on? Well, I'm on your side, honey. You know I love you. Don't I always treat you like a gentleman? Yes. About time that you treat me like a lady. I'll have you know that three men proposed to me before I married you, Philip, Roger, and Grant. And when I married you, they were so unhappy that Philip took poison, Rogers took gas And Grant took Richmond. I didn't know that. I want you to show some respect to my wife. Can't you? More. More. More. More. I'm always last night when I was walking Betty home, we came to a big big mud puddle and I threw our coat down in the mud.
And the next time you do it, take me out of the coat first. That's what my wife has said there, and I'm glad it wasn't me. Funny. You're so witty. Oh, honey. I'm not half as witty as you. Oh, I'm not half as witty as you. But I'm not half as witty as you. Really? I'm not half as witty. Ladies and gentlemen, you have just heard from a couple of past words. Well, buddy, I gotta be going now. Why don't we have the kettle for dinner tomorrow night? You really want to have me for dinner tomorrow night? Why? Of course. We will have dinner at seven. You get there at four.
Why so early? Every time is stuff, you stick an apple in your mouth and fly there. That's all. I don't blame my wife for getting mad at you. You have one big mouth. What did you expect me to have? Two little women? I tell you, your your ignorance is amazing. What do you do to get so stupid? I can't tell you. Why? It's an old recipe that's been in our family for years. And you shouldn't call me out. We should be pals like Damon and Stitch, Stanley and Livingston, and the Russo brothers. Who are the Russo brothers? They're my tailors, and I promise to get them a plug tonight. I'm always in hot water to stay fit in hot water until all my strength is gone. Who are you? Oh, just no teabag.
That's sad as nephew, folks. If he had his life to live over again, he'd be a fool. Don't settle. Wait a minute now. First, you insult my wife. Now you're sick of my nephew. I don't have to work on this, Don't settle. You know, I was with Satello's band for three years. Phil Satello had an all girl band. Now how could you stay with them for three years? I kept my mouth shut. I can't give you nice to Norman Costello. I'm nice. When he was sick in the hospital, I sent him flowers tonight. Yeah. Lily. Well, was it my fault that the operation was a success? Tablegram, Blue Costello. Tablegram, Blue Costello. Blue Costello. I'm Blue Costello. Here. That'll be $4.95.
Collect. $4.95? Yes. $5. Keep it changed. Thank you. Don't listen it. I'd be ashamed to. I wonder who would be sending me a cable. Well, why don't you open and find out? Hey. That's a good idea. Why don't I think of things like that? Oh, Cabot is from Africa. Listen to this. Dear Lou Costello, we, the people of Southeast Africa, enjoy your radio programs very much. As you know, we have the largest diamond mines in the world here in Africa. And in your honor, we have named the biggest diamond in the world for Lou Costello Simon. If you can arrange to come to Africa, we will be very happy to present this diamond to you. I'm William Ackerman, president of the American and African Diamond Syndicate. Wait a minute. This is wonderful, Costello. We're rich. Think of it. You own the largest diamond in the world, the Costello diamond.
That is some rock. I'll bet it ain't as big as the rock that my aunt even got for her birthday. You gonna be rock? Yes. And the warden says she better have it all broken up before her flu comes through. You know nothing about diamonds. Is that so? I just used a little of a diamond for Christmas that is as big as a sausage. A real diamond? Well, if she took it down and had it appraised, the jewel was checking if she ever dropped it, she'd have seven years bad luck. I'll tell you what we'll do. We go to Athens. Get the diamond. Get back here. We'll tell it, and you'll split the money with things. I'll split the money with you. Yeah. Well, no. You're telling me. Oh, alright. Oh, I've always gotta give in. Then I'll split the money with you. That's better. Sorry. Wait a minute. That's the same thing. Why should I split it with you? It's my diamond, ain't it? But Lou, don't don't we always split everything? I get you right out of it. If I had two cigarettes, I'd give you one. That's right. And if I had two pairs of shoes, I'd give you one. That's right. And if I had two blondes, yes. Why don't you like that cigarette? Put on those shoes and take a walk for yourself. Now we got Stella. We're going to last. I hope you're not afraid of wild animals. Me? No. I'm not afraid of lions. I wish we went out and filled a lion with my club. You filled a lion with your club? Yes. Course. There's 200 members in my club. I I don't believe you were ever in Africa. Oh, no. One time I was a big game. I was I was big game hunting in Africa with my brother-in-law. A wild alligator attacked my brother-in-law. I threw my trusty gun to my shoulder and fired. Did you get him? I never missed. Is this stuff I'm wearing? Yeah. Genuine alligator? Nope. Genuine brother-in-law.
Well, come on, Abbot. We're gonna go to Africa and get that diamond. I'm Ma'am, Castillo, tell your mother we're leaving for Africa to get the Costello diamond? Yes. To my mother and sister, I go on a boat and send my baggage on another. Why? That's in case either one of the boats get down. She won't lose everything. Okay. Oh, Oh, yeah. Well, my uncle Mike put a boat bill and he built a banana boat. He sailed it halfway across the ocean in his tank. Why does it sink? You can't build a boat out of bananas. Well, this is bad because it might be dangerous as that. I know what I'll do. I'll call up Johnny Carson White's mother to go with it. He ain't afraid of dangers. He fights crocodiles. He breaks, nicks in half. He goes through earthquakes and floods. He ain't afraid of nothing. Well, go ahead and call him. Okay?
Hello? Hello? Johnny Whiteman? Johnny, this is Luke Costello. I'd like you to go to Apathy with me. Oh, well, goodbye. Well, what a car didn't say. Cleaning and this mother will let him out of the house. Well, we're going anyway. Did you say goodbye to all your friends? Paul, but Hetty Lamar. It's gonna be tough. It's gonna be real tough taking Hetty in my arm. Kissing it. But you don't even know Hetty Lamar. That's what makes it so tough. You're that coward. Think of it as a glorious such a trip. He didn't even turn out to be a discoverer like Columbus. By taking that trip, he found out that the world was around you. Rather be a discoverer like secretary of state marshal. He took a trip and found out that the world was flat. Busted.
Shame on you. I thought you were a brave man. Well, you told me your uncle Mike was a lion on us. He was. Once uncle Mike was once uncle Mike shot a five legged lion. Are you sure the lion had five legs? Sure. Four of his own and one of uncle Mike. It's nonsense. What is that can of powder you're carrying? My own infection. Dehydrated water. We're going through the jungle where there's no water for miles. This will come in handy. Dehydrated water? Yes. Powder works. Just hoping the can take a little of the powder? Yes. Mix it with water. Come on, Cat. Tell them we're going down to the doctor to see if we can get a gift that's gonna take us to Africa.
Claim your time. Hello? There's an old sailor over there. Ask him if he knows the boat is going to Africa. Pardon me, sir? Do you know the ship that's sailing for Africa?
[00:16:08] Unknown:
There's one. That filthy barnacle crushed a tub over there nicknamed my captain Bilgewater, the lowest most English master on the seventeenth.
[00:16:20] Unknown:
What's the name of that boat? This is Willow Fox. Come on, Godzilla. We're gonna talk to the captain of this ship. He let us work our way down after testing. Oh, there, captain. Just just cracking you to the wall. I'm talking to my first mate. Don't quit. Disobeyed my orders, I said raise the anchor. You claim you didn't hear me. Know what that means? Send me the cat and I failed. Take that and that and that. Being it's your birthday, one more for good luck. Oh, take what I said. The meat's birthday. That's it. Now soda made over for you.
I used to blow up. What do you want? Happen. Do you see a little fat fellow go by you just a minute ago? Oh. Well, here I go now. Come back here. Captain, that's all I wanna get to Africa. Hey. Can can you use two sea falling men? Yeah. I could use a couple of Abel's demons, but my second mate had an accident today. He was coming out of that galley and he's British skull on the mainmast. Well, didn't he know the master there? No. He didn't even know I was gonna throw it at him. But tell him, you're a good sailor. Yes, sir.
Remember that terrific storm the Queen Mary was in last winter? Yeah. Well, everybody on that boat was sick except me. Why'd you get sick? I ain't never been on the Queen Mary. My boy, I've been sailing through storm for twenty years. Well, that's nothing that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that I said.
I like you too, guys. I'm gonna take you to Africa on my step. Abbott, you'll be my first mate. Costello, you'll be my second mate. Both at the same time? First mate. Aren't you afraid of getting arrested for bigamy? Come on. We're coming off. Captain has washed overboard. We've lost all our instruments. There's a storm coming up. What can we do? Batten down the hatches. I did batten down the hatches. Batten them down again. We'll throw those hatches. Please. We gotta bring this tip at the port. I'll get up on the bridge and call out the orders. You repeat them back to me. I'll repeat all the orders back to you guys. Get them. Read the main tail. Read the main tail. Close the scuppers. Close the scuppers. Loop your poop deck. Loop your poop deck. Leave your main sail. Close this cover. Blow your jib. Manual apple. Tilt your rudder. Port your helm.
Loop your poop deck. Okay, Edith. You grab the scoop. I'll take the other end. Now I'll tie this one. Now I'll tie this one. Now I'll tie this one. Now I'll tie this one. Now I'll tie this one. Now I'll tie this one. Now I'll tie this one. Now I'll tie this one. Because now I'll tie this. Wait a minute. Now I'll tie this. Marcella, what are you doing? I'm trying to make 20 knots an hour. Hello, Ask him if he knows the way to the Costello Diamond. He's too Banky. Me? Costello. You know where we find Costello Diamond? He's too Banky. Why don't you answer me? I can't. You're standing on my lower lip.
Keith, you have it. We still wasn't off the beat. Did I? Keith, you're back. Keith, you look like a guide. Maybe you could help us. Yeah. I was a good guide. Five years ago, when Frank Buck came here, he went a thousand miles into the jungle. Last year, Buck was here, and he only went 40 miles. What does that prove? Shut up. Fuck. Don't go as far as it used to. Stevie Baggage, Cassello was summoned to Africa to be presented with the Cassello diamond. You know how we can find it? Yes. Get through that jungle of the diamond compound. But first, I have to get the permission of the ladies for you to pass through. I'll send a message on this drum.
Just what message? Send. Yeah. I said, Emerson Costello requests permission to enter your territory to be presented with the Costello diamond. Listen. Here come the answer. Yes. Yeah. Just follow that path through to the jungle. Yes. Come on, Gaston. Be careful. This jungle is full of wild animals. What? Big monkey following us. I think he picked up your son. What makes you think he picked up my son? He's holding his nose. Look, Castell. It's the head man of the village coming to greet us. Yeah. Welcome there, mister Gavin. It's Godzilla. Hey. How did you know I need? Are you kidding? I played the part of the cute baggy thief on the last page.
Last well, shut my mouth. My good day we come I didn't see you all. My good day we come thousands of miles. What a sigh you all? What a sigh you all? I'm from the Southern part of Italy. We've come thousands of miles to get the Costello Diamond. Could you tell us where it is? Yeah. It's yours right up there where all them you bandies are playing baseball. You mean that's the Costello Diamond? You is the biggest baseball diamond in averages. You know all the you know all the players, aren't you? Oh, it's good. But the players in Africa have fun evenings. Now boo's on second and boo's on first. Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on.
Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on first full pack to teleport to come out. Alright. You two guys, pull over there. I'm gonna give you a ticket. You're a Hollywood Cop, and we're 8,000 miles away in the middle of the African jungle. You can't give us a ticket. Oh, yeah? You're still inside the Los Angeles city limit. And that's not all. The boys will be back in just a minute after a few wise words from this fellow. Yeah. Thank you, mister chairman. This time, ladies and gentlemen, before we continue with the entertainment, I, I have several announcements to make.
On Thursday at, tomorrow, Thursday, you'll get together with your neighborhood PDQ dealer and fill up with gas. We're expecting a big turnout, so let's all be there. Friday, that's it, day after tomorrow. It's a good day to have your PDQ dealer change your oil. All motorists are invited. There'll be plenty of free air and water for everybody. And now, some dealers report they haven't received PDQ credit card applications from all of you. Like to have you take care of that right away. It's important. Forms are available at all PDQ service stations. PDQ performance committee reports the elimination of a great many ping. Now I know you'll all join me in saying great work, fellas.
Great work. Now turn the meeting back to chairman Charlie of the entertainment committee. You ready, bud and Lou? Okay. Thank you. Hello. Here are evidence of Stella with the final word. Well, Cassella, we certainly went on a fool's errand tonight in Africa. But I'm going back there someday with the greatest hunter in the world, Frank Paul Buck. Don't you mean don't you mean Frank Buck? Nope. Paul Buck. He's 10 times better than Buck. Good night. This is ABC, the American Broadcasting Company.
Introduction and Casino Games
Dinner Mishaps and Professional Fighting
Abbott and Costello Show Begins
Costello's Cable from Africa
Journey to Africa and Nautical Adventures
The Quest for the Costello Diamond
Closing Remarks and Future Plans
