In this lively episode, we dive into the world of classic comedy with a hilarious segment from the Abbott and Costello program. The duo's comedic timing shines as they navigate a series of misunderstandings and wordplay, from Costello's misadventures in buying a shirt to his tangled romantic escapades. The episode is filled with witty exchanges and slapstick humor, showcasing why Abbott and Costello remain timeless icons of comedy.
We also have a special appearance from Scotty Brown, who brings his own brand of humor to the ranch setting, and a comedic confrontation with Lena's cousin, Cliff Nazaro. The episode wraps up with a musical interlude and a salute to the veterans of the Ohio division, highlighting the blend of entertainment and heartfelt tributes that characterize this classic radio show.
(00:00) Introduction and Fun with Chumba Casino
(01:14) Abbott and Costello Comedy Skit
(08:03) Philosophical Insights and Cigarette Talk
(11:02) Visit to Uncle Artie's Ranch
(19:45) Confrontation with Lena and Cliff
Listen to our radio station Old Time Radio https://link.radioking.com/otradio
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Remember that times have changed, and some shows might not reflect the standards of today’s politically correct society. The shows do not necessarily reflect the views, standards, or beliefs of Entertainment Radio
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Unknown:
Hey, guys. It is Ryan. I'm not sure if you know this about me, but I'm a bit of a fun fanatic when I can. I like to work, but I like fun too. It's a thing. And now the truth is out there. I can tell you about my favorite place to have fun, Chumba Casino. Casino. They have hundreds of social casino style games to choose from with new games released each week. You can play for free anytime, anywhere, and each day brings a new chance to collect daily bonuses. So join me in the fun. Sign up now at chumbacasino.com. No purchase necessary. VW. Wait. Wherever forbid by law. See terms and conditions 18 plus. It is Ryan here, and I have a question for you. What do you do when you win? Like, are you a fist pumper, a woo hooer, a hand clapper, a high fiver? I kinda like a high five, but if you wanna hone in on those winning moves, check out Chumba Casino. At chumbacasino.com, choose from hundreds of social casino style games for your chance to redeem serious cash prizes. There are new game releases weekly plus free daily bonuses, so don't wait. Start having the most fun ever at chumbacasino.com.
[00:01:11] Unknown:
See. Hey. Yeah.
[00:01:14] Unknown:
The Abbott and Costello program starring Bud Abbott and Lou Costello brought to you by Camel, the cigarette of costlier properly aged tobacco. The Abbott and Costello program with a modern rhythm of Will Osterneti's orchestra, Ira's Adrian, our singing star, Connie Hayes. And spotlighting that chunky, chubby little cherub, who when caught eating all his mother's preserves to keep his father out of a jam, calmly said,
[00:01:42] Unknown:
hey. I'm a a bad boy.
[00:02:00] Unknown:
Hostello, come here. Do you realize you're almost late for our broadcast? What kept you? Where have you been? Oh, I was all over town today trying to buy myself a new shirt. I had a terrible time. Well, naturally, you know there's a shortage of materials. You said it. I found out how to buy one of those shirts made out of onion skins, and did that shirt embarrass me? Oh, now come. How could an onion skin shirt embarrass you? Well, I walked into the Brown Derby restaurant and my shirt tail jumps out and waves at the hamburgers. My shirt even chased the hamburgers into the icebox. Wait a minute. Your shirt ran into the icebox? What happened? That's all. Now my tail is told. They all?
Doc, never mind that, Costello. Costello, you mean you kept me waiting here all this time while you were out buying a shirt? Oh, yeah. But I had to get one. I met a wonderful girl today, Abbot. You did? Her name is Gertrude Gigglewater. She's got a swell job too, Abbot. What does she do? She scrubs the floors in in the house on 90 Second Street. You mean you've got a date with her? Yeah. You ought to see her. Beautiful. She's Betty Grable, Rhonda Turner, Lauren Bacall, all rolled into one. She is? Yeah. But the only trouble is when I enroll her, she looks like Boris Karloff. What are you doing with another girl, Costello?
Well, what about your girlfriend? Lean against it. I had a fight with her. No. Yes. Lena sent me to a drugstore last night to get some makeup, but I made a mistake and got her a bottle of leg makeup. Leg makeup? Yep. Yep. When she put it on her face, she got a run-in her neck. Boy, is she mad at me? No. I don't believe her. You mean your love boat sprung a leak? Sprung a leak? The whole bottom fell out. Because still I think Lina knows, knows about this girlfriend of yours. Yeah. She left this note here. Yeah. You better read it. Okay. Oh, look. Dear Louis, look how she spells Louis, l o u s e.
Hey. Hey. Hey. Isn't that Laos? You're you're reading right. Maybe it's Louset, French, you know. How do you spell Louset? L 0 U S E. It still spells Laos, don't it? Read Lena's letter, please. Okay. Go ahead. I'll read it. Go ahead. I hear you are running around with another girl. I am coming coming over here, and I'm gonna shoot you so full of holes you can butt in your vest from any angle. Lena wasn't shot at me. She's a college girl. She told me she came from Penn State. She must have meant State Penn. You dummy that was
[00:04:39] Unknown:
just
[00:04:42] Unknown:
that was just a car backfiring. Then help me down off this channel there. I still if I were you, I'd get out of town right away. Is there any place you can go where Lena can't find you? Yes. My uncle, Artie Stebbins, he has a monkey wrench. He raises apes. Your uncle raises apes? Yes. It's right on his stationery here. Stebbins Apiary. Apiary? Mhmm. Why, you'd open apiary is a place where they raise bees. Have you ever seen your uncle's bees? Oh, sure. He's got a whole herd of bees. No. No. No. You dummy. It isn't herd of bees. It's swum. It's what? It's swum. Why don't you take your coat off? No. No. Look, Kosta. You've been out to your uncle's swum. Haven't you ever seen his hive? Have I ever seen what? Have you ever seen your uncle's hives? No. Every time I've seen him, he had his clothes on.
Listen, Costello. I've been to your uncle's ranch, and I saw his hives. You saw his hives? Yes. Shamana. What's the matter? What's the matter with that? What are you Now wait a minute. Be careful with your remarks. How dare you peeping on my uncle's window and look at his hide? I didn't peek in any window. Then you looked over the transfer. Hey. Listen, you dope. Your uncle was in the house and his hives were in the backyard. He was in the house and his hives were in the backyard. Certainly. How does he scratch him with a long handled right now? Talk sense, Costello. I'm talking about your uncle's beehives.
Haven't you ever tasted his orange blossom, honey? No. I haven't, sweetheart. Costello, you don't even know what? You're cute. Never mind that. You don't even know where honey comes from. That's ridiculous. A cat who don't? You don't. My cat has honey. Now that's ridiculous. A cat doesn't have any honey. Then why does mine stay out all night? But no. Bees make the honey. Haven't you ever seen the bees in my garden gathering nectar? Gathering what? Nectar in the flowers. You neck too in the flowers. You better be careful, Abbot. I necked a girl once in the flowers and her boyfriend caught me and fractured me in the hollyhocks. Right down to the roots. Alright.
You please pay attention. I'm trying to tell you where the honey comes from. Haven't you ever seen the bees buzzing around my poppies? Your poppies what? My poppies in the garden. Let them stay in the garden. Who cares? No. I'm talking about flowers. Didn't you know I have an oriental puppy? No, sir. I thought he was an American. Pastella, when I'm talking about a puppy, I'm not talking about a man. Shame on you. Telling me your puppy ain't a man. Listen. The puppy I'm talking about is, the one, in the backyard, in the bed. Woah. Why don't you sleep in the house and you're afraid of your your mommy? No. Look. Look. Look. I'm talking about my wife's flowers then. Haven't you ever noticed my wife's petunias?
Can I have that again? I I say, haven't you ever noticed my wife's petunias? Costello, what could be nicer than beautiful flowers on the table? Meat and potatoes. I look. Why do I waste time with you? I'm trying to tell you that the bees gather honey from the flowers and they take it to the hides and put it in their comb. They put the honey in their comb. That's right. Does that make their hair sticky? Costello, there's only one way to handle a dummy like you. I'm gonna take you out to your uncle's ranch and show you how the bees operate. You're not going to get me near any of those bees. What if one of them should back up and sting me? What do you care about a little bee sting? All you have to do is slap a little mud on it and the stingers come out. All I do is slap a little mud on it and the stinger comes right out? That's right. Who's gonna hold the bee while I slap the mud on them? Oh.
[00:08:04] Unknown:
And now let's take a moment to go back twenty five hundred years or so to the wise old philosopher who said, actions speak louder than words. The same man as it happens who also said, experience is the best teacher. That man was Esa who's fable to be the best daughter for two dozen generations. Can you think of a modern application of those two proverbs? Well, how about this? Experience is the best teacher. During the cigarette shortage when smokers had to take what they could get, they tried more different brands of cigarettes than they'd normally sample in a lifetime. And that experience taught them better than any claims that the blend of costlier tobaccos in camels is unique.
And that's proved by the second proverb, actions speak louder than words. For today, more people ask for camels than ever before. Yes. More smokers than ever before, more experienced than ever before, prove by their actions that camels are the choice of experience. C a f e l s The choice of experience. More people want camels than ever before. And now, camel presents Will Osborne and the orchestra. Will sings the current swing favorite, waiting for that train to come in.
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Waiting for the train to come in. Waiting for my gal to come home. I've counted every minute of each live long day. Seems so melancholy since she went away. I've shed a million teardrops or more. Waiting for the one I adore. I'm waiting in the depot by the railroad track. Looking for the choo choo train to bring her back. Waiting for my life to begin. Waiting for the train to come in. Waiting, waiting for the train to come in.
[00:11:02] Unknown:
Well, here we are at your uncle Arty Stebbins ranch. Yeah. And am I happy? I got out of town before my girlfriend got a hold of me. Tell me, Costello. Why is Lina so mad at you? Well, yesterday, she asked me to give her cat a saucer of milk. I took the milk out of the wrong can, and it turned out to be gasoline. You bet the cat gasoline? What happened? It changed its purpur to a putt putt. Oh, come on, Cartel. Let's see if your uncle is home. Hey. Look out for that loose board on the porch. Ow. That board blew up and hit me in the face. It's even more embarrassing on the way out. I go ahead. Knock on the door.
What do you want? I wanna see my uncle, Artie Stebbins. Well, hereafter, go round to the back stew. Stoo. Stoo. Stoo? Step. And when did you get up to the back step? Yeah. Stoo. Step? Stew. One stoop at a time. Okay. Go ahead. I'm glad you fellas dropped around. Will you help me carry this ladder? I gotta get up on the roof. You've gotta get up on the roof. What for? I'm gonna have one on the house.
[00:12:21] Unknown:
Hey. What's going on out there? Well, it's my little nephew, Louie Costello, in Port Abbott. Hello, mister Stebbins. Hello, mister Stebbins. How are you? Come right in, boys. I was just gonna sit down and eat. What was that? I always have a couple of shots before dinner.
[00:12:37] Unknown:
I like to get off a good joke. Well, get off that one before it hatches. Mister Stephens, I brought Costello out here to hide him from his girlfriend. Now I hope you can put us up. Do you have a nice room with a bath? Not out here. All we have is a room and a path. I think I'd better wash my hands before I sit down to eat. Get away from that cow. Is that a cow? I thought it was funny. All that plumbing and no sink. Costello, you dummy. Haven't you ever seen a cow before? Are you kidding? I worked once on a dude ranch. It was so classy that even a cow's wore slacks. The cows wore slacks? How did you milk them? I was a pickpocket.
[00:13:24] Unknown:
Alright. You ladies. Don't cackle over it. Look, boys. If you're gonna stay out here at my ranch, you better get acquainted. Here comes my foreman, Tex Melanet. Tex, meet Luke Costello, my nephew, and and his friend, Brad Abbott. Hi, boys. Alright. Everybody works on this ranch. Come on. Let's get busy. Hey. Wait a minute. I didn't come out here to work. I haven't got the time. Oh, you haven't got the time,
[00:13:43] Unknown:
Get a load of this Costello. He works in pictures. He's on the radio. He makes thousands of dollars a week, and I gotta go out and buy a watch to tell him that Wait a minute. Cook Milan, I didn't ask you to go out and buy me a watch. You don't have to buy me a watch. You want me to go out and steal one, Go out and steal one. Go out and steal one. No, no, no. That's how I make my living. I'm not a foreman. I'm the rancher. I'm a crook. I steal. Who's look my head. You never stole anything in your life. Oh, I spent fifteen years in Alcatraz for nothing, Well, and while you're ready, tell everybody that I shot a cashier in the face.
[00:14:15] Unknown:
Oh, I shot a guy. Start a rumor. I ain't start nothing. Say I shot a man. Go ahead. Why should I say you shot a guy? I swear, Mullin Head, you never shot the cashier. I missed him, I
[00:14:27] Unknown:
can't shoot straight. No. I can't. Now what did I say? What did you say? Yeah. Get a load of him. Doesn't even know what he's saying and he takes up my time. I should be doing my work and you keep me standing here. Look, Melvin, I don't want you to stand here. Go take a walk. Oh, wear off my boots, Okay. Then take a ride. Take a bus. Take a street car. Go on. Take a taxi. What's wrong with the train? I got nothing against trains. You wouldn't mention trains. Why can I talk about that? Now he's against the railroad. Stop the train. No more train. Goes to show you. My brother was out of work for eleven years. This morning, he got a little job on the railroad, a brakeman. Now Costello wants to stop all the trains just to throw my brother out of work.
[00:15:05] Unknown:
Bullshit anything about your brother not working, mowing head. Let your brother work. Let him work 365
[00:15:11] Unknown:
a year. Oh, he shouldn't even have one day off.
[00:15:17] Unknown:
Look, let him not work at all. Sir, he don't have to work at all. Now you wanna make a bum out of him. Oh, what? A poor
[00:15:23] Unknown:
man works and he can't even have one day off. Let him take the day off. Go ahead. Let him take Thanksgiving day off. Thanksgiving day, the only day he gets up or put double overtime, he lays them off. Will you forget about your brother? Fine thing. The only brother I got, he wants me to forget him. My brother, the man who introduced me to Marie, my darling little wife. Oh, now you're dragging my wife into the audience. I didn't even mention your wife, Millenhead. No. You wouldn't mention her. My wife isn't good enough for you to talk about, Go on. Tell them. Tell them my wife is a miserable, ugly, old battle ass. Nillinghead,
[00:15:58] Unknown:
I've seen your wife. Your wife is charming. She's lovable, very affectionate.
[00:16:04] Unknown:
Oh, so you're the guy. No. I'm not.
[00:16:08] Unknown:
I am not the guy. Off your coat. Fight like a man. Okay, Nillinghead. You've done me good and and bad now. You wanna fight, Yes. You wanna fight you? You meet me at the full room at 08:00. I'll trade punches with you and Fred Amore to show you I'm not afraid of you, mountain head. I'll let you take the first punch. In the alley? No. On the punch board. Five sets of kids.
[00:16:38] Unknown:
Camel's lovely, Connie Hanes. That's for me.
[00:16:53] Unknown:
I know what I like and I like what I saw. I said to myself, set for me. A lovely morning. I remarked, and you were quick to agree. You wanted to walk, and I nodded my head. I practically said that for me. I left you standing under such a day's for you. Oh, my darling bed for you. I left you standing under the sun, what these adventures are through. There's nothing for me but the dream in my heart, the dream in my heart, that's for you. Oh, my goodness. I am
[00:18:52] Unknown:
Thank you, Ken, for a very sweet song. Very sweet was done by a very sweet girl. Thank you, Ken, for a very sweet compliment.
[00:19:00] Unknown:
Oh, and thanks for the lovely flowers you sent. I suppose they prove you really mean the nice things you say. Indeed they do, Connie. As Lisa put it, actions speak louder than words.
[00:19:10] Unknown:
That's why the actions of today's smokers mean so much. For a few months ago, when smokers had to take what they could get, most civilians tried more different brands of cigarettes than they'd usually buy in a lifetime. But now that smokers can choose their cigarettes again, well, their actions prove that they found no substitute for the fine rich flavor and cool soothing mildness of Camel's cost me or tobaccos. More smokers today are asking for Camel's than ever before. C, m, c, r, s. Yes. Camel's, the choice of experience.
[00:19:45] Unknown:
Well, Costello, this is certainly the life. Isn't it wonderful up here at your Uncle Artie Stephens Ranch? Oh, Abbot. What a climate. It is. Where else can you jump out of bed in the morning and fill your lungs with that fresh California fog, will that? I? I'd feel good, Sloan. I'd really feel good if it wasn't for one thing. I I had a terrible nightmare about a flood. All night long, I was gasping and fighting for my life against a raging town of water. Oh, Rodney, there was nothing but water, water, water. That was no dream, Abbott. It wasn't? No. The stopper come out of your hot water bottle. Right. Hey, Catzilla. Look out the window. There's your uncle Arty Stephens down there feeding the pigs. Let's get down and watch you. Not me, Abbott. Those pigs are vicious. Vicious? Yes, sir. I saw a bunch of little pigs chasing a big pig around the pen. They finally threw them on the ground and tried to chew all the buttons off his vest.
Will you talk, Saint Costello? Tell me something, Abbot. Fine. Do little pigs have little babies? Oh, of course, they have little babies. That's funny. I always thought they had little pigs. Alright. What's the matter with you, Costello? Why all this silly talk? Oh, I guess it's because I got away from leaning against her. And she can't find me way up here at my uncle's ranch. How can you talk that way against Lena? I think she's different. She has such a cute little button nose. Yes. But why does it have the button on her lower lip? Say, Costello, who's that getting out of that car? That's my old friend, Scotty Brown. Get a load of Mavic. He's all dressed up in a cowboy outfit. Hey, you, laddies.
Hey,
[00:21:19] Unknown:
Scotty. Old
[00:21:20] Unknown:
boy. Why what are you doing up here at the Stephens Ranch? Well, I heard you laddies were up here, and I came for a horseback ride. How do you like these nice woolly chaps I'm wearing? I made them myself. Woolly chaps. Looks like a suit along underwear. Well, confidentially, it is. I took a comb and roughed up the fuzz. Turn around, Scotty, and let's see the rest of your outfit. Come on. K. Pretty snazzy. I'll say. Hey. Wait a minute, Scotty. You've only got one spur. Did you lose the other one? No. I only bought one. If you spur one side of the horse, the other side has got to go too. Oh, by the way, Costello, I brought a friend of yours up in my car. Here she comes now. There you are, you storage tank for the fat salvage. Costello, Selena.
[00:22:06] Unknown:
Run for her hair with some flavor, Danny.
[00:22:10] Unknown:
Costello, what does I hear about you running around with another girl named Gertrude Gigglewater? Are you the kind that has to have a lot of women in your life? No. I like a lot of life in my women.
[00:22:22] Unknown:
After all, Lena, I'm the kind of slutter that has to have excitement. I have to live. What? Lena, can I help with the women that are crazy about me? It must be the Van Johnson and me. How dare you compare yourself with Van Johnson? I look exactly like him. Where? Between the fingers. Oh, no. Pastel. Pastel, please. Why why don't you tell Lena that you've been a bad boy and throw yourself on her mercy? Yeah. She'll throw me right back on mine. I'll say I would, you dehydrated,
[00:22:48] Unknown:
anti divine. I hear you even held this girl's hand. Oh, that was kid stuff. And you also put your arms around her. That was just kid stuff. Then you kissed her. Today, I am a man.
[00:23:04] Unknown:
Well, I'll fix you, Costello. I'm gonna take your engagement ring off my finger and throw it away. Lena. Lena. Please don't throw that diamond ring on the ground. Why not? Because you have seven years bad luck.
[00:23:18] Unknown:
Look, Costello. I'm not gonna waste any more time on you. I brought my cousin, Cliff Nazaro, out here from Brooklyn. Come here, Cliff. This is the puffed up angle worm that trifled with my affection.
[00:23:31] Unknown:
Oh, no. Costello. You're the guy that's been kicking my cousin, Lena, around. Yeah. Dragging her all the way out here from Brooklyn and then taking a making a fool out of her. Do you realize that you've broken this little girl's little fabric fabric cover? And you and you took a tender little cabinet rotor cartridges and put them right to the porpoise center to reach. And you tore it to pieces. And finally, you tripped all over the cabinetries and put the kind of reserve hip and cover separate water. I
[00:24:01] Unknown:
have done a lot of things in my life, but I never did that. Don't try to kid me, Costello.
[00:24:09] Unknown:
I was in the living room the night you took leaner in your arms, and you put little butter into sober butter butterbeans. And not only did you cap it for a swimmer, but you put your cap it for a swimmer, come back, darn, son of a sudden.
[00:24:23] Unknown:
Go on. Tell him, Cliffy. You said the words right out of my mouth. You ought to be glad to get rid of him.
[00:24:31] Unknown:
What's the matter with you, Costello? Why do you take everything this man says and twist it? Twist it. I can't even untwist it.
[00:24:37] Unknown:
What are you talking about, Costello? After all, I just told you I saw you take Lena, and you put your arm around a little camera of arbor parts, then you cover represses. Not the merid, but you put the kind of ribbons over there in the arbor parts. And then all of a sudden you frame your rubber level of three, it was really vibrant, and that's a plain, unvarnished truth. Unvarnished? You sound like you're shellac.
[00:24:56] Unknown:
There you go insulting the man. I can't understand you, Costello. You can't understand me. Well, listen to him.
[00:25:04] Unknown:
Now where do we go? Blessed air. Do you realize that I got up out of a sick bed to come out here? There I was lying there with a cabaret overrepresentative.
[00:25:12] Unknown:
And on top of it, I had a severe case of bad that real went to hit and snip p p p p p p p p p p p p p p p p p p p p p p p p p p p p p p p p p p p p p p p p p p p p p
[00:25:22] Unknown:
sweet clip. He's trying to confuse you with double talk.
[00:25:27] Unknown:
Costello, don't you know the king's English? Yes. And I'd like to be talking to him right now.
[00:25:32] Unknown:
Listen, Lena. Miss Costello is no good. I'm gonna get you a lawyer. We'll sue him for clap that the stripper piece, voter prep a Sunday counter border bin brush, and even little priming wipe of cattle doors are set. And I'll do it too.
[00:25:45] Unknown:
Antofellow? He means every word of it.
[00:25:50] Unknown:
Look, Costello. I realized that I that I lost my head. And if you'll just apologize to leader, I'm willing to forgive you because as Benjamin Franklin said, he who raises force with the red and red of pennant prednisone
[00:26:04] Unknown:
shall always be the fat with friends with the naked sir, professor Soborno, bravo, bravo, bravo, despot. Gee. That's what an education will do for you. Well, Cassell, what are you gonna do about it? What am I gonna do about it? Yes. I'm sorry. I'm very, very sorry for what I did. I've been a fool. I can't, especially to you and Lena. And there's only one thing I can do to redeem myself. I'm going right out to the corner of Hollywood And Vine. I'm gonna climb up on a soapbox in front of all my friends in front of the whole public. I'm gonna stand there and I'm gonna ruble punk and bang.
[00:26:34] Unknown:
Oh, no. Not that anything but that old. Let me out of here.
[00:26:39] Unknown:
That's
[00:26:42] Unknown:
the cut double. We'll be back with Capital Figure Rescue just a moment. And now this is salute in the new series of salute to the man who won the victory.
[00:26:52] Unknown:
Tonight, we salute the eighty third Ohio division, Gallant Veterans of Italy, France, Dusseldorf, and Magdeburg. In your honor, men of the Ohio division, the makers of camels are sending to your fellow servicemen overseas 500,000 camel cigarettes.
[00:27:11] Unknown:
Each of the two camel radio shows thus honors the different units of the army, navy, marines, and coast guard. A total of a million camels sent free each week. Camel broadcasts come out to The United States twice a week, are rebroadcast to practically every area in the world where our men are stationed, and in cooperation with the good neighbor policy, also to Central And South America. Listen next Thursday when Campbell again presents Abbott and Godzilla. Ladies and gentlemen, the war has been over for more than three months now, but you can't turn off the effects of a world war simply by saying it's over. Some of those effects are still with us. Wounded veterans who need medical care, crippled veterans who need artificial limbs, handicapped veterans who need special training to help them take useful places in the country they fought for. You're right, Ken. And those men are going to be taken care of whether any of us buy bonds or not. This country isn't gonna let our boys down. Yes, Lou.
[00:28:00] Unknown:
But I know that every American wants to help, and the purchase of victory bonds can do just that. And don't forget, folks, those bonds are the world's safest investment, An investment that will pay you back $4 for every three you put in. Good night, folks. Good night, everybody. And remember, buy your victory bonds at your favorite movie theater. Good night to everybody. It's Paterson New Jersey. Good night, Paterson New Jersey.
[00:28:25] Unknown:
Be sure to tune in next week for another great Avenue Costello show brought to you by Camel cigarettes. And remember, Camel's are worth asking for every time. See for yourself how Camel's mildness, coolness, and flavor click with you. Long before the coming of the white man, smoke peace pipe, great warrior, the American Indian smoke peace pipes.
[00:28:55] Unknown:
Today, any pipe is a peace pipe with Prince Albert in a bowl. For Prince Albert is as peacefully cool and stingless as it is flavorful, fragrant, and mild. A special no bite treatment gets rid of parts and tongue bite. Crimp cut for slow lazy burning, cooler burning. Yes. So mild and cool that more pipe smokers smoke it than any other tobacco in the world. That's Prince Albert. Man, it's made for you. Try it soon. And be sure on Saturday night to tune in the great Prince Albert radio show, Grand Ole Opry, coast to coast on NBC.
[00:29:35] Unknown:
The Avenue customer show for Campbell cigarettes will be back at the very same time next week. Don't miss it. This is Ken Niles in Hollywood wishing you all a pleasure. Good night.
[00:29:44] Unknown:
Send us the National Broadcasting Company.
[00:29:54] Unknown:
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See. Hey. Yeah.
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The Abbott and Costello program starring Bud Abbott and Lou Costello brought to you by Camel, the cigarette of costlier properly aged tobacco. The Abbott and Costello program with a modern rhythm of Will Osterneti's orchestra, Ira's Adrian, our singing star, Connie Hayes. And spotlighting that chunky, chubby little cherub, who when caught eating all his mother's preserves to keep his father out of a jam, calmly said,
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hey. I'm a a bad boy.
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Hostello, come here. Do you realize you're almost late for our broadcast? What kept you? Where have you been? Oh, I was all over town today trying to buy myself a new shirt. I had a terrible time. Well, naturally, you know there's a shortage of materials. You said it. I found out how to buy one of those shirts made out of onion skins, and did that shirt embarrass me? Oh, now come. How could an onion skin shirt embarrass you? Well, I walked into the Brown Derby restaurant and my shirt tail jumps out and waves at the hamburgers. My shirt even chased the hamburgers into the icebox. Wait a minute. Your shirt ran into the icebox? What happened? That's all. Now my tail is told. They all?
Doc, never mind that, Costello. Costello, you mean you kept me waiting here all this time while you were out buying a shirt? Oh, yeah. But I had to get one. I met a wonderful girl today, Abbot. You did? Her name is Gertrude Gigglewater. She's got a swell job too, Abbot. What does she do? She scrubs the floors in in the house on 90 Second Street. You mean you've got a date with her? Yeah. You ought to see her. Beautiful. She's Betty Grable, Rhonda Turner, Lauren Bacall, all rolled into one. She is? Yeah. But the only trouble is when I enroll her, she looks like Boris Karloff. What are you doing with another girl, Costello?
Well, what about your girlfriend? Lean against it. I had a fight with her. No. Yes. Lena sent me to a drugstore last night to get some makeup, but I made a mistake and got her a bottle of leg makeup. Leg makeup? Yep. Yep. When she put it on her face, she got a run-in her neck. Boy, is she mad at me? No. I don't believe her. You mean your love boat sprung a leak? Sprung a leak? The whole bottom fell out. Because still I think Lina knows, knows about this girlfriend of yours. Yeah. She left this note here. Yeah. You better read it. Okay. Oh, look. Dear Louis, look how she spells Louis, l o u s e.
Hey. Hey. Hey. Isn't that Laos? You're you're reading right. Maybe it's Louset, French, you know. How do you spell Louset? L 0 U S E. It still spells Laos, don't it? Read Lena's letter, please. Okay. Go ahead. I'll read it. Go ahead. I hear you are running around with another girl. I am coming coming over here, and I'm gonna shoot you so full of holes you can butt in your vest from any angle. Lena wasn't shot at me. She's a college girl. She told me she came from Penn State. She must have meant State Penn. You dummy that was
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just
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that was just a car backfiring. Then help me down off this channel there. I still if I were you, I'd get out of town right away. Is there any place you can go where Lena can't find you? Yes. My uncle, Artie Stebbins, he has a monkey wrench. He raises apes. Your uncle raises apes? Yes. It's right on his stationery here. Stebbins Apiary. Apiary? Mhmm. Why, you'd open apiary is a place where they raise bees. Have you ever seen your uncle's bees? Oh, sure. He's got a whole herd of bees. No. No. No. You dummy. It isn't herd of bees. It's swum. It's what? It's swum. Why don't you take your coat off? No. No. Look, Kosta. You've been out to your uncle's swum. Haven't you ever seen his hive? Have I ever seen what? Have you ever seen your uncle's hives? No. Every time I've seen him, he had his clothes on.
Listen, Costello. I've been to your uncle's ranch, and I saw his hives. You saw his hives? Yes. Shamana. What's the matter? What's the matter with that? What are you Now wait a minute. Be careful with your remarks. How dare you peeping on my uncle's window and look at his hide? I didn't peek in any window. Then you looked over the transfer. Hey. Listen, you dope. Your uncle was in the house and his hives were in the backyard. He was in the house and his hives were in the backyard. Certainly. How does he scratch him with a long handled right now? Talk sense, Costello. I'm talking about your uncle's beehives.
Haven't you ever tasted his orange blossom, honey? No. I haven't, sweetheart. Costello, you don't even know what? You're cute. Never mind that. You don't even know where honey comes from. That's ridiculous. A cat who don't? You don't. My cat has honey. Now that's ridiculous. A cat doesn't have any honey. Then why does mine stay out all night? But no. Bees make the honey. Haven't you ever seen the bees in my garden gathering nectar? Gathering what? Nectar in the flowers. You neck too in the flowers. You better be careful, Abbot. I necked a girl once in the flowers and her boyfriend caught me and fractured me in the hollyhocks. Right down to the roots. Alright.
You please pay attention. I'm trying to tell you where the honey comes from. Haven't you ever seen the bees buzzing around my poppies? Your poppies what? My poppies in the garden. Let them stay in the garden. Who cares? No. I'm talking about flowers. Didn't you know I have an oriental puppy? No, sir. I thought he was an American. Pastella, when I'm talking about a puppy, I'm not talking about a man. Shame on you. Telling me your puppy ain't a man. Listen. The puppy I'm talking about is, the one, in the backyard, in the bed. Woah. Why don't you sleep in the house and you're afraid of your your mommy? No. Look. Look. Look. I'm talking about my wife's flowers then. Haven't you ever noticed my wife's petunias?
Can I have that again? I I say, haven't you ever noticed my wife's petunias? Costello, what could be nicer than beautiful flowers on the table? Meat and potatoes. I look. Why do I waste time with you? I'm trying to tell you that the bees gather honey from the flowers and they take it to the hides and put it in their comb. They put the honey in their comb. That's right. Does that make their hair sticky? Costello, there's only one way to handle a dummy like you. I'm gonna take you out to your uncle's ranch and show you how the bees operate. You're not going to get me near any of those bees. What if one of them should back up and sting me? What do you care about a little bee sting? All you have to do is slap a little mud on it and the stingers come out. All I do is slap a little mud on it and the stinger comes right out? That's right. Who's gonna hold the bee while I slap the mud on them? Oh.
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And now let's take a moment to go back twenty five hundred years or so to the wise old philosopher who said, actions speak louder than words. The same man as it happens who also said, experience is the best teacher. That man was Esa who's fable to be the best daughter for two dozen generations. Can you think of a modern application of those two proverbs? Well, how about this? Experience is the best teacher. During the cigarette shortage when smokers had to take what they could get, they tried more different brands of cigarettes than they'd normally sample in a lifetime. And that experience taught them better than any claims that the blend of costlier tobaccos in camels is unique.
And that's proved by the second proverb, actions speak louder than words. For today, more people ask for camels than ever before. Yes. More smokers than ever before, more experienced than ever before, prove by their actions that camels are the choice of experience. C a f e l s The choice of experience. More people want camels than ever before. And now, camel presents Will Osborne and the orchestra. Will sings the current swing favorite, waiting for that train to come in.
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Waiting for the train to come in. Waiting for my gal to come home. I've counted every minute of each live long day. Seems so melancholy since she went away. I've shed a million teardrops or more. Waiting for the one I adore. I'm waiting in the depot by the railroad track. Looking for the choo choo train to bring her back. Waiting for my life to begin. Waiting for the train to come in. Waiting, waiting for the train to come in.
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Well, here we are at your uncle Arty Stebbins ranch. Yeah. And am I happy? I got out of town before my girlfriend got a hold of me. Tell me, Costello. Why is Lina so mad at you? Well, yesterday, she asked me to give her cat a saucer of milk. I took the milk out of the wrong can, and it turned out to be gasoline. You bet the cat gasoline? What happened? It changed its purpur to a putt putt. Oh, come on, Cartel. Let's see if your uncle is home. Hey. Look out for that loose board on the porch. Ow. That board blew up and hit me in the face. It's even more embarrassing on the way out. I go ahead. Knock on the door.
What do you want? I wanna see my uncle, Artie Stebbins. Well, hereafter, go round to the back stew. Stoo. Stoo. Stoo? Step. And when did you get up to the back step? Yeah. Stoo. Step? Stew. One stoop at a time. Okay. Go ahead. I'm glad you fellas dropped around. Will you help me carry this ladder? I gotta get up on the roof. You've gotta get up on the roof. What for? I'm gonna have one on the house.
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Hey. What's going on out there? Well, it's my little nephew, Louie Costello, in Port Abbott. Hello, mister Stebbins. Hello, mister Stebbins. How are you? Come right in, boys. I was just gonna sit down and eat. What was that? I always have a couple of shots before dinner.
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I like to get off a good joke. Well, get off that one before it hatches. Mister Stephens, I brought Costello out here to hide him from his girlfriend. Now I hope you can put us up. Do you have a nice room with a bath? Not out here. All we have is a room and a path. I think I'd better wash my hands before I sit down to eat. Get away from that cow. Is that a cow? I thought it was funny. All that plumbing and no sink. Costello, you dummy. Haven't you ever seen a cow before? Are you kidding? I worked once on a dude ranch. It was so classy that even a cow's wore slacks. The cows wore slacks? How did you milk them? I was a pickpocket.
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Alright. You ladies. Don't cackle over it. Look, boys. If you're gonna stay out here at my ranch, you better get acquainted. Here comes my foreman, Tex Melanet. Tex, meet Luke Costello, my nephew, and and his friend, Brad Abbott. Hi, boys. Alright. Everybody works on this ranch. Come on. Let's get busy. Hey. Wait a minute. I didn't come out here to work. I haven't got the time. Oh, you haven't got the time,
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Get a load of this Costello. He works in pictures. He's on the radio. He makes thousands of dollars a week, and I gotta go out and buy a watch to tell him that Wait a minute. Cook Milan, I didn't ask you to go out and buy me a watch. You don't have to buy me a watch. You want me to go out and steal one, Go out and steal one. Go out and steal one. No, no, no. That's how I make my living. I'm not a foreman. I'm the rancher. I'm a crook. I steal. Who's look my head. You never stole anything in your life. Oh, I spent fifteen years in Alcatraz for nothing, Well, and while you're ready, tell everybody that I shot a cashier in the face.
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Oh, I shot a guy. Start a rumor. I ain't start nothing. Say I shot a man. Go ahead. Why should I say you shot a guy? I swear, Mullin Head, you never shot the cashier. I missed him, I
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can't shoot straight. No. I can't. Now what did I say? What did you say? Yeah. Get a load of him. Doesn't even know what he's saying and he takes up my time. I should be doing my work and you keep me standing here. Look, Melvin, I don't want you to stand here. Go take a walk. Oh, wear off my boots, Okay. Then take a ride. Take a bus. Take a street car. Go on. Take a taxi. What's wrong with the train? I got nothing against trains. You wouldn't mention trains. Why can I talk about that? Now he's against the railroad. Stop the train. No more train. Goes to show you. My brother was out of work for eleven years. This morning, he got a little job on the railroad, a brakeman. Now Costello wants to stop all the trains just to throw my brother out of work.
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Bullshit anything about your brother not working, mowing head. Let your brother work. Let him work 365
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a year. Oh, he shouldn't even have one day off.
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Look, let him not work at all. Sir, he don't have to work at all. Now you wanna make a bum out of him. Oh, what? A poor
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man works and he can't even have one day off. Let him take the day off. Go ahead. Let him take Thanksgiving day off. Thanksgiving day, the only day he gets up or put double overtime, he lays them off. Will you forget about your brother? Fine thing. The only brother I got, he wants me to forget him. My brother, the man who introduced me to Marie, my darling little wife. Oh, now you're dragging my wife into the audience. I didn't even mention your wife, Millenhead. No. You wouldn't mention her. My wife isn't good enough for you to talk about, Go on. Tell them. Tell them my wife is a miserable, ugly, old battle ass. Nillinghead,
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I've seen your wife. Your wife is charming. She's lovable, very affectionate.
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Oh, so you're the guy. No. I'm not.
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I am not the guy. Off your coat. Fight like a man. Okay, Nillinghead. You've done me good and and bad now. You wanna fight, Yes. You wanna fight you? You meet me at the full room at 08:00. I'll trade punches with you and Fred Amore to show you I'm not afraid of you, mountain head. I'll let you take the first punch. In the alley? No. On the punch board. Five sets of kids.
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Camel's lovely, Connie Hanes. That's for me.
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I know what I like and I like what I saw. I said to myself, set for me. A lovely morning. I remarked, and you were quick to agree. You wanted to walk, and I nodded my head. I practically said that for me. I left you standing under such a day's for you. Oh, my darling bed for you. I left you standing under the sun, what these adventures are through. There's nothing for me but the dream in my heart, the dream in my heart, that's for you. Oh, my goodness. I am
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Thank you, Ken, for a very sweet song. Very sweet was done by a very sweet girl. Thank you, Ken, for a very sweet compliment.
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Oh, and thanks for the lovely flowers you sent. I suppose they prove you really mean the nice things you say. Indeed they do, Connie. As Lisa put it, actions speak louder than words.
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That's why the actions of today's smokers mean so much. For a few months ago, when smokers had to take what they could get, most civilians tried more different brands of cigarettes than they'd usually buy in a lifetime. But now that smokers can choose their cigarettes again, well, their actions prove that they found no substitute for the fine rich flavor and cool soothing mildness of Camel's cost me or tobaccos. More smokers today are asking for Camel's than ever before. C, m, c, r, s. Yes. Camel's, the choice of experience.
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Well, Costello, this is certainly the life. Isn't it wonderful up here at your Uncle Artie Stephens Ranch? Oh, Abbot. What a climate. It is. Where else can you jump out of bed in the morning and fill your lungs with that fresh California fog, will that? I? I'd feel good, Sloan. I'd really feel good if it wasn't for one thing. I I had a terrible nightmare about a flood. All night long, I was gasping and fighting for my life against a raging town of water. Oh, Rodney, there was nothing but water, water, water. That was no dream, Abbott. It wasn't? No. The stopper come out of your hot water bottle. Right. Hey, Catzilla. Look out the window. There's your uncle Arty Stephens down there feeding the pigs. Let's get down and watch you. Not me, Abbott. Those pigs are vicious. Vicious? Yes, sir. I saw a bunch of little pigs chasing a big pig around the pen. They finally threw them on the ground and tried to chew all the buttons off his vest.
Will you talk, Saint Costello? Tell me something, Abbot. Fine. Do little pigs have little babies? Oh, of course, they have little babies. That's funny. I always thought they had little pigs. Alright. What's the matter with you, Costello? Why all this silly talk? Oh, I guess it's because I got away from leaning against her. And she can't find me way up here at my uncle's ranch. How can you talk that way against Lena? I think she's different. She has such a cute little button nose. Yes. But why does it have the button on her lower lip? Say, Costello, who's that getting out of that car? That's my old friend, Scotty Brown. Get a load of Mavic. He's all dressed up in a cowboy outfit. Hey, you, laddies.
Hey,
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Scotty. Old
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boy. Why what are you doing up here at the Stephens Ranch? Well, I heard you laddies were up here, and I came for a horseback ride. How do you like these nice woolly chaps I'm wearing? I made them myself. Woolly chaps. Looks like a suit along underwear. Well, confidentially, it is. I took a comb and roughed up the fuzz. Turn around, Scotty, and let's see the rest of your outfit. Come on. K. Pretty snazzy. I'll say. Hey. Wait a minute, Scotty. You've only got one spur. Did you lose the other one? No. I only bought one. If you spur one side of the horse, the other side has got to go too. Oh, by the way, Costello, I brought a friend of yours up in my car. Here she comes now. There you are, you storage tank for the fat salvage. Costello, Selena.
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Run for her hair with some flavor, Danny.
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Costello, what does I hear about you running around with another girl named Gertrude Gigglewater? Are you the kind that has to have a lot of women in your life? No. I like a lot of life in my women.
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After all, Lena, I'm the kind of slutter that has to have excitement. I have to live. What? Lena, can I help with the women that are crazy about me? It must be the Van Johnson and me. How dare you compare yourself with Van Johnson? I look exactly like him. Where? Between the fingers. Oh, no. Pastel. Pastel, please. Why why don't you tell Lena that you've been a bad boy and throw yourself on her mercy? Yeah. She'll throw me right back on mine. I'll say I would, you dehydrated,
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anti divine. I hear you even held this girl's hand. Oh, that was kid stuff. And you also put your arms around her. That was just kid stuff. Then you kissed her. Today, I am a man.
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Well, I'll fix you, Costello. I'm gonna take your engagement ring off my finger and throw it away. Lena. Lena. Please don't throw that diamond ring on the ground. Why not? Because you have seven years bad luck.
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Look, Costello. I'm not gonna waste any more time on you. I brought my cousin, Cliff Nazaro, out here from Brooklyn. Come here, Cliff. This is the puffed up angle worm that trifled with my affection.
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Oh, no. Costello. You're the guy that's been kicking my cousin, Lena, around. Yeah. Dragging her all the way out here from Brooklyn and then taking a making a fool out of her. Do you realize that you've broken this little girl's little fabric fabric cover? And you and you took a tender little cabinet rotor cartridges and put them right to the porpoise center to reach. And you tore it to pieces. And finally, you tripped all over the cabinetries and put the kind of reserve hip and cover separate water. I
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have done a lot of things in my life, but I never did that. Don't try to kid me, Costello.
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I was in the living room the night you took leaner in your arms, and you put little butter into sober butter butterbeans. And not only did you cap it for a swimmer, but you put your cap it for a swimmer, come back, darn, son of a sudden.
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Go on. Tell him, Cliffy. You said the words right out of my mouth. You ought to be glad to get rid of him.
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What's the matter with you, Costello? Why do you take everything this man says and twist it? Twist it. I can't even untwist it.
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What are you talking about, Costello? After all, I just told you I saw you take Lena, and you put your arm around a little camera of arbor parts, then you cover represses. Not the merid, but you put the kind of ribbons over there in the arbor parts. And then all of a sudden you frame your rubber level of three, it was really vibrant, and that's a plain, unvarnished truth. Unvarnished? You sound like you're shellac.
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There you go insulting the man. I can't understand you, Costello. You can't understand me. Well, listen to him.
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Now where do we go? Blessed air. Do you realize that I got up out of a sick bed to come out here? There I was lying there with a cabaret overrepresentative.
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And on top of it, I had a severe case of bad that real went to hit and snip p p p p p p p p p p p p p p p p p p p p p p p p p p p p p p p p p p p p p p p p p p p p p
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sweet clip. He's trying to confuse you with double talk.
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Costello, don't you know the king's English? Yes. And I'd like to be talking to him right now.
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Listen, Lena. Miss Costello is no good. I'm gonna get you a lawyer. We'll sue him for clap that the stripper piece, voter prep a Sunday counter border bin brush, and even little priming wipe of cattle doors are set. And I'll do it too.
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Antofellow? He means every word of it.
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Look, Costello. I realized that I that I lost my head. And if you'll just apologize to leader, I'm willing to forgive you because as Benjamin Franklin said, he who raises force with the red and red of pennant prednisone
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shall always be the fat with friends with the naked sir, professor Soborno, bravo, bravo, bravo, despot. Gee. That's what an education will do for you. Well, Cassell, what are you gonna do about it? What am I gonna do about it? Yes. I'm sorry. I'm very, very sorry for what I did. I've been a fool. I can't, especially to you and Lena. And there's only one thing I can do to redeem myself. I'm going right out to the corner of Hollywood And Vine. I'm gonna climb up on a soapbox in front of all my friends in front of the whole public. I'm gonna stand there and I'm gonna ruble punk and bang.
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Oh, no. Not that anything but that old. Let me out of here.
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That's
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the cut double. We'll be back with Capital Figure Rescue just a moment. And now this is salute in the new series of salute to the man who won the victory.
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Tonight, we salute the eighty third Ohio division, Gallant Veterans of Italy, France, Dusseldorf, and Magdeburg. In your honor, men of the Ohio division, the makers of camels are sending to your fellow servicemen overseas 500,000 camel cigarettes.
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Each of the two camel radio shows thus honors the different units of the army, navy, marines, and coast guard. A total of a million camels sent free each week. Camel broadcasts come out to The United States twice a week, are rebroadcast to practically every area in the world where our men are stationed, and in cooperation with the good neighbor policy, also to Central And South America. Listen next Thursday when Campbell again presents Abbott and Godzilla. Ladies and gentlemen, the war has been over for more than three months now, but you can't turn off the effects of a world war simply by saying it's over. Some of those effects are still with us. Wounded veterans who need medical care, crippled veterans who need artificial limbs, handicapped veterans who need special training to help them take useful places in the country they fought for. You're right, Ken. And those men are going to be taken care of whether any of us buy bonds or not. This country isn't gonna let our boys down. Yes, Lou.
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But I know that every American wants to help, and the purchase of victory bonds can do just that. And don't forget, folks, those bonds are the world's safest investment, An investment that will pay you back $4 for every three you put in. Good night, folks. Good night, everybody. And remember, buy your victory bonds at your favorite movie theater. Good night to everybody. It's Paterson New Jersey. Good night, Paterson New Jersey.
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Be sure to tune in next week for another great Avenue Costello show brought to you by Camel cigarettes. And remember, Camel's are worth asking for every time. See for yourself how Camel's mildness, coolness, and flavor click with you. Long before the coming of the white man, smoke peace pipe, great warrior, the American Indian smoke peace pipes.
[00:28:55] Unknown:
Today, any pipe is a peace pipe with Prince Albert in a bowl. For Prince Albert is as peacefully cool and stingless as it is flavorful, fragrant, and mild. A special no bite treatment gets rid of parts and tongue bite. Crimp cut for slow lazy burning, cooler burning. Yes. So mild and cool that more pipe smokers smoke it than any other tobacco in the world. That's Prince Albert. Man, it's made for you. Try it soon. And be sure on Saturday night to tune in the great Prince Albert radio show, Grand Ole Opry, coast to coast on NBC.
[00:29:35] Unknown:
The Avenue customer show for Campbell cigarettes will be back at the very same time next week. Don't miss it. This is Ken Niles in Hollywood wishing you all a pleasure. Good night.
[00:29:44] Unknown:
Send us the National Broadcasting Company.
[00:29:54] Unknown:
With everything you have on your plate, earning your degree online seems impossible. But at Grand Canyon University, we specialize in helping you specialize in helping you fit a master's degree in business into your busy day. Your graduation team led by your own GCU counselor provides you with the personal support you need to succeed. Achieve your goals with a plan and team behind you. Find your purpose at Grand Canyon University. Visit gcu.edu.
