In this lively episode, we dive into the comedic chaos of trying to lose money at the racetrack to avoid paying income tax. Our hosts, Abbott and Costello, embark on a hilarious journey filled with misunderstandings, from buying a 1923 Maxwell with unexpected accessories to navigating the complexities of horse racing bets. Their antics lead them to the racetrack, where they encounter a series of eccentric characters and absurd situations, all in the name of losing money.
As the duo attempts to pick losing horses, they find themselves tangled in a web of comedic confusion, from deciphering tip sheets to encountering a runaway Mrs. Wetwash. The episode culminates in a race where their chosen horse, Numbskull, unexpectedly wins, thwarting their plans to lose money. With quick wit and classic humor, Abbott and Costello deliver a delightful episode that keeps listeners laughing from start to finish.
(00:00) Introduction and Chumba Casino
(01:05) The Tax Dilemma
(03:05) Horse Racing and Black Beauty
(06:41) Betting Strategies and Tip Sheets
(10:00) At the Racetrack
(14:01) Unexpected Wins and Comedy
(18:17) Final Race and Conclusion
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[00:00:01]
Unknown:
Okay. Round two. Name something that's not boring.
[00:00:05] Unknown:
A laundry? Oh, a book club. Computer solitaire.
[00:00:12] Unknown:
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[00:01:03] Unknown:
hit by law. See terms and conditions 18 plus. No. No. No. I don't blame you when you look at a pint of stuff like that. Come here. Come over here. You're late again. We're nowhere have you been. Hey. But I just jumped in the the contractor that's building my new house. There's gonna be a house with seven gables. You mean seven gables? No. It's seven gables. When I build that house, I want it well built. I am. You dummy wasting your time with a contractor when when you've only got 48 hours to get rid of that money that you won last week before our income tax time was due. I'm trying to get rid of the money, Adam. Well Yesterday, I bought a 1923 Maxwell for $75. But with it, I had to take $400 worth of accessories. $400 worth of accessories? Yes. I had to buy two horses to pull it.
Oh. You got $38,000 to get rid of. And you've gotta get rid of it and make sure that you don't get it back. Okay. I'll get rid of it so I'll never it'll never come back, Tom. I'll lend it to Europe. Cut, Stella, this is ridiculous. Why don't you just take the $38,000 down to the income tax office and pay the tax on it? Can't do that, Adam. I figured it out last night, and $38,000 will not pay the tax on $38,000 Fuck. Did you send in your estimated income for 1947? You know, that's the one where they asked you to guess how much you're going to make this year? Oh, sure. I've sent it in, but I didn't sign it. Why didn't you sign it? If they want me to guess how much I'm gonna make, let them guess who sent it in.
Well, how how about deduction? My what? Deductions. Like, when I filed my tax, the man wanted to allow me $500 for my wife. For your wife, that's way overshilling. Hey. Look. I'm talking about the tenants. You see, everybody comes under a different tax table. Now if you're single, you come under one table. If you're married, you come under another table. That's it, Abbot. I ain't paying no taxes. Why? I refuse to do business under the table. Oh, okay. Costello, you're impossible. You'll never figure that tax out. So you've got to get rid of that money. Now hey. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. I've got an idea. The best place to lose money is at the racetrack. Racetrack. That's wonderful, Abbot. I love horses. My favorite story is about a horse named Black Beauty. Black Beauty? Yes. Once about a time, there was a little horse named Black Beauty. His mother was a bronco, and one night she died of a cold. Oh, she has a pneumonia. She what? She had pneumonia. Yeah. It was bronco pneumonia.
Bronco? Oh, wow. But when you keep out of this Alright. Why don't you go over to the delivery table and show them what a real jackass looks like? Now that That's not that. I'll have you understand I know jackass. You're no jackass. No. Your ass is too long. Alright. Wrong with the story. Okay. Now the farmer who owned black beauty, he loved them. And he used to brush and comb the horse. Yeah. No. No. You mean he carried the horse. Why should he carry him? Black Beauty was big enough to walk. Alright. Right. Now every morning, the farmer would feed Black Beauty. Yes. Black Beauty, ate his product. Yes. And after he would eat he ate his father. Certainly every horse eats his father. You mean he eats his father?
Yes. Then his father eats his father and his father eats his father. Pretty soon there wouldn't be no fathers left for father's day. That means to feed a horse, you take a bag and and put its spotter in it and hang it on his nose. Now ain't that a pretty picture? Black Beauty walking around with a spotter hanging on his nose. No. Never mind that. What's the rest of the story about Black Beauty? Well, Black Beauty liked to rain. Every time it would rain, he would run and run and he would run-in the water. In other words, Black Beauty was a mutter. Yes. Now one day, Black could I have that again? He was a mutter. Black Beauty was a mutter? Mhmm. How could a he be a mutter? Ain't a she a mutter? Certainly not. Sometimes he makes a better mutter than a she. Well, we learn something new every day.
Listen, Adam. Suppose a mama horse has little horses. So that make her a mother? Well, now that depends on her feet. Yeah. And and mhmm. Well, if you ask a silly question, you get a silly answer. No. No. No, Costello. I own racehorses and and have one of the finest mutters in the world. What has your mutter got to do with horses? My mutter is a horse. Now that you've mentioned it, I see the recent part here. Come on. Now one day, everybody on the farm was very, very sad. The farmer was sad. All the little horses were sad too. They were so sad to see Lulu. Wait a minute. Don't break down. Why was everybody so sad? Black beauty was limping around. That's too bad. There was something wrong with his front legs. Mhmm. The farmer took No. No. No. He might have something wrong with his foreleg. Yes. And then after would you mind running that past me again, please? I said he was having trouble with his foreleg. I just told you he limped on his two front legs. Well, Costello, horse's forelegs are in front. His forelegs are in front? Yeah. What are those stinks in the back, Ruttons?
You don't understand. A horse has forelegs in front and hindlegs in back. Forelegs in front and hindlegs in back. Right. What are we talking about? A horse for us 10 feet. Listen, man. Listen, please. I'm trying to tell you that our horse has four legs in front. Oh, Abbott. You're sure his four legs are in front? Certainly. Okay. But tell me this. What keeps his tail up? His hind legs. Look. When I say that the horse has four legs in front, I don't mean that his four legs are in front. I mean his four legs are in front. A horse has four legs. But all four of them are not four legs.
Oh, when you think that a horse has four legs in front, you don't mean that his four legs are in front. You mean that his four legs are in front. A horse has four legs, but all of them are not four legs. Now you've got it. Now I've got it. I don't even know what I'm talking about. Well, CUSTILLO, here's the racetrack. Now Saturday night is the deadline for income tax, and you've got to lose that money. Now I'll tell you how to bet because you don't know a horse from the side of a barn that I know. I do too. Test me. Alright. Look over there. What is that? A horse or the side of a barn? Have it. This time, you're right. See, you know absolutely nothing about horses. You don't study form. You don't know tract condition.
And with no information whatever, do you know what can happen to you, Lou? Yes. I can win. You can ask. Costello, to Lou, you've got to play long shots. Now I've got a horse that goes off at twenty to one. Let's hurry. I bet. It's test test 12. No. No. It's no hurry. No hurry. No, Harry. He doesn't go off till 03:00. I thought you said he was going off at twenty to one. He is. He goes off at twenty to one at 03:00. How can he go off at twenty to one if he goes off at 03:00? Listen. No matter what time he goes off, it'll still be twenty to one. It'll still be twenty to one at 03:00? That's right. Abbott, let me smell your hair. What do you mean? Uh-huh. No smell. Just as I thought. You've been drinking the hair tonic again.
You cut that out, Costello. Gotta lose that money. Now the smart thing to do is buy a dope sheet. You can get smart from buying a dope sheet? Certainly. If you have the dope, you're smart. Is that clear? Oh, sure. The horse goes off at twenty to one at 03:00. Never mind that. Hey. I think that fella over there is selling, tip sheets. Let's ask him. Hey, mister. Yeah? Do you sell tips on horses? As doctor Livingston said to Stanley, you came to the right place. I've got Joe's tip sheet, Henry's tip, Eddie's tip, and asparagus tip. Asparagus tip? That's for green horse players.
Great. Well, we'll take Joe's there, Tiptoe. Is it any good? As the queen of Sheba said to Solomon, it's wonderful. Mister. Mister. Forget that. We want a tip sheet that picks Loser. Loser? Well, if you wanna lose, I've got a horse that goes off at twenty to one. At 03:00?
[00:08:41] Unknown:
No. 04:30.
[00:08:47] Unknown:
Look, mister. As doctor Jekyll said to mister Hyde, take a powder. No. No. Why ain't that gentleman? Mister, give us a copy of Joe's, tipster. Fine. There you are. And as young doctor Malone said to Ma Perkins, that will be $5. Okay. Okay. Now I'll be able to pick the horse. Oh, you mean you wanna use Joe's tip sheet to pick the horses? Well, in that case, you'll need a copy of Henry's tip sheet. You see, that explains what Joe's tip sheet is all about. How much is that? $10. Okay. I'll take it. Let's go ahead and Just a minute, Patty. Can can you read the code in Henry's tip sheet? Oh, sure. I can read What code?
Uh-huh. Well, then you'll need Dom's TIP GE, which explains the code on Henry's TIP GE, which fits all of his in Joe's TIP GE. That'll be $25. Oh, come on, Costello. We've gotta make some mess and lose that money. Nothing doing that, but I can lose all my money right here. Hey. Here's $25. Thank you. And as missus Chip said to missus Chip, goodbye. Goodbye.
[00:09:53] Unknown:
Hey, Evan.
[00:09:54] Unknown:
Hey, Evan. Come on. I don't need this guy's ticket. I got something right special from the feed box. What is it? Hoats. I am. There's no good Now look, Hey. They're stealing any. Maybe you can give us a loser. Hiya, fellas. Hey. What time is 03:00? Good. I got a horse that goes off at twenty to one. How can a horse go off at twenty to one at 03:00? Just a minute. I'm the straight man. Kenny, Castello's got a lot of money to lose. Do you know any slow horses? Why? Sure. Play Ashcan in the third. Now wait a minute. Are you sure Ashcan is a slow horse? You're a slow horse? Boy, if Paul Revere had ridden Ashcan, you'd be doing your baseball routine about cricket.
About cricket. I wonder how it would sound. Whom is on first? Come on, Godzilla. Let's call for the first race. Let's get a bet down. I'm gonna play Whirlpool. Here, mister, 500 on Whirlpool to win. Hey. Hey. You got the bed down just in time, Costello. They're off. I hope Whirlpool doesn't win. Abbott, the only way that horse could win is if he had an outboard motor at Ashland. Well, he couldn't have one without it. You idiot. Now you've got more money than never to get rid of. Hey. Look. Look at that lady's program and see what she's marking. Maybe she'll pick a loser. Pardon me, madam. Could you sort of Well, if it isn't mister Albert and mister Costello. Hello? You soft little one. You
[00:11:35] Unknown:
What are you doing here at the roost truck?
[00:11:38] Unknown:
Roost truck? Oh, well, but you know what a roost truck is. That's where they roost the hooses and the roosts.
[00:11:50] Unknown:
I love to come to the truck and save my wagers with the Boop Moogers. What a cold Inky Dinky.
[00:12:00] Unknown:
I come here to drink Coca Cola and eat Frog Footer and try to pick a wiener.
[00:12:15] Unknown:
Well, it's been grond seeing you. I must be totally along. As we say in French, je suis de la pigale en la quesque caisse to you. And a juicy dill pickle in the kitchen.
[00:12:27] Unknown:
Hey, Castello. Hey, Castello. We should come to the track tomorrow. All the big movie producers come here, and we might make some good contact. Yes. While they're looking over the horses, they might take them apart for me. They might take them apart for me. Speak up. What am I saying?
[00:12:41] Unknown:
Oh, you're the best, Lois Rabbit. Where are you going with that big bale of hay? Oh, pardon me. It's Cartsello. Oh, my. I just love the racetrack. You know, my late husband
[00:12:53] Unknown:
said I had the makings of a great horsewoman. You're saying that wrong. Your husband said you had the makings of a great horse, woman. That's all you just got time to play the third race now. Look. Let's try the old fashioned method. Stick a pin in missus, Wetwash's program and play whatever you pick. Okay. Missus Wetwash, may I borrow your hat pin? Yes. Thank you. Now hold up the program. I'll close my eyes and stab it with the hat pin. There they go. Costello.
[00:13:20] Unknown:
Costello, you stuck missus' lipwash with the hat pin. Look. She's jumping the fence. She's out on the track. At the corner, Bishop Bell is going to the front. Busy Bee is second. Just a minute, folks. There's an added sauna out there. That's a strange looking nag, but, brother, can she run?
[00:13:36] Unknown:
Now you get it, Costello.
[00:13:37] Unknown:
Missus Wetwash is running in the race. You probably wouldn't pay a lot of money. And the winner is the added sauna, which has just been identified as missus Wetwas. Isn't that a silly name for a woman?
[00:13:49] Unknown:
That's a silly name for a woman. I wonder what she paid. Missus Wetwas went off at twenty to one and came in at 03:00. How do you like that? Now the race pack announcers are doing our routines, have it? Costello, we came to the racetrack today to lose money, and all you've done is win. Now if you're stuck with that bankroll, March 15, you'll really be in trouble with your income tax. I can't help but have it. Gambling runs in my family. My uncle, Artie Stephens, was a big gambler too. He once crossed a racehorse with a chicken. Crossed a racehorse with a chicken? Yeah. What more? So could we ask, like And would you like to buy a sweepstake ticket? They're 50¢ a week. Oh, sure. Here's $50. Give me a hundred of them. Hey. Wait a minute. The price mark of these tickets is $2. How can you afford to sell them so cheap? The race was last year.
[00:14:39] Unknown:
Now would you like to take a chance on this punch board? You paid 500 to one. Now wait a minute. The punch board is all punched out. I know. But where else could you get such beautiful art? Say, mister, who are you? Now let me think. Oh, I've got some business cards in my pocket. Would you mind reaching in and pulling one out? See, my hands are all covered with things. Pardon me, sir. But, what are you doing? Pardon me, sir. But, what are
[00:15:06] Unknown:
you doing? Pardon me, sir. Not a police dog in his pocket. Pardon me, sir. But, what are you doing here at the racetrack? Oh, I own the Grace horse, Numsco.
[00:15:18] Unknown:
My wife gave him to me for birth my birthday. Your wife gave you a horse? Yeah. She didn't want me to have anything sharp.
[00:15:26] Unknown:
Your wife must write your jokes too. You haven't had anything sharp in the last two minutes. Well,
[00:15:32] Unknown:
gentlemen, I've got to go now. I've got to hang up my horse. Hang up your horse? Yes. He's a mustang, and he must hang someplace.
[00:15:45] Unknown:
Anderson, they ought to send that guy to the United Nations conference. Is it Elliot? No. It's a problem. Oh, come on, Castella. Let's take a look at his horse, Nemeskull. He may be just the horse to lose your money on. Oh, Lewis? Lewis Costello? Castella. Here's Marilyn Maxwell. Mine looks pretty, Marilyn. That's a lovely dress you're wearing. Oh, it's just something I threw on. You must have blown a curve.
[00:16:08] Unknown:
You smell good too. Oh, that's my new race track perfume. Chanel, number eight to five. Dee Lewis, didn't we have fun in the movies last night? Yeah. I thought Ray Millan was wonderful in that picture, California. But I think you have a much better looking map. Than Ray Millan? No. Than California.
[00:16:29] Unknown:
Really, Priscilla. There's that daffy guy's boss, Numstow. What a confused little heart. Come on. I'll introduce you to him. Numstow, this is Marilyn. Hey, look, Cartella. Here comes missus Whitwash. Well, well, Cartella, what horse is that? This is Numsco. Numsco, meet missus Whitwash.
[00:16:58] Unknown:
Oh, what a clever horse. You know I love horses. Oh, can't get any men to go out with. Now listen, little fat boy. You embarrassed me this afternoon, but I'll forgive you for making me run-in that crazy race.
[00:17:11] Unknown:
I hope you noticed that I won. Yes. I also noticed that nobody claimed you.
[00:17:16] Unknown:
Well, come on, missus Wetboys. Let's go make a bet on numskull. See you later, Louis. Hey. Hey. Look, Estella. There's our pretty little Pilly. She cost $3,000.
[00:17:25] Unknown:
Her name is Mignon. Three thousand dollars for a filly, Mignon? That looks like both mushrooms and French fried potatoes. And look at the next doll, Cartella. There's a mayor with a coat. The mayor has a coat? Yes. Well, if he's got a colt, why don't somebody give him a handkerchief? Get him some four way colt tablets or something. No. No. He doesn't need tablets or handkerchiefs. I'm talking about a colt. That mayor has a colt. The trainer will take that colt and teach it to run. They gotta teach a colt to run naturally. Brother, when I get a colt, it runs all by itself.
No. Okay. Look. Hey. Look, Lo. Here comes the groom with the horse's bridle. He's getting ready to lead her away by the halter. Abbot, stop the wedding. Stop the wedding. Sure. By the time the horse's groom leads the bridle to the halter, that coat will start running, and she'll sneeze right in that groom's kisser. Come on, Tracela. That's the post call for the last race. And you've got to bet on a loser to get rid of that money. Remember your income tax haven't. I'm going to bet it all on Numbskull. I've been looking at this form. He's got a lose. What does the form say? Well, it says he was beaten at Santa Anita. He was also ran at ten for an. He came home in the dark at Hollywood Park and showed our weakness and the preakness. Okay. Numbshell it is. Let's get the bed down.
[00:18:53] Unknown:
Corner race, folks. At the quarter, it's Numbskull by two legs. Banjo is second and pursuit gas third. Oh, no. Oh, no. They're cutting into the stretch. Numskull is in front by three legs. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, yes. Oh, yes. And the winner is Gertie's corset.
[00:19:15] Unknown:
Did you hear that, Costello? The winner was Gertie's corset. That was a tight squeeze. Well, we did it, Abbot. The money's all gone. I don't have to worry about no income tax. Attention, everybody. Hold all tickets. There's been a disqualification.
[00:19:29] Unknown:
Gertie's corset got rubbed in the stretch and broke in front of the first trench.
[00:19:36] Unknown:
How do you like that? They busted Gertie's corset. And here is the judge's decision.
[00:19:40] Unknown:
The officials are putting up Numskull's number and taking down Gertie's corset.
[00:19:47] Unknown:
You hear that, Costello? Numskull's number is up. So is mine. House get dressed. Here I come. Come on, Evan.
Okay. Round two. Name something that's not boring.
[00:00:05] Unknown:
A laundry? Oh, a book club. Computer solitaire.
[00:00:12] Unknown:
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[00:01:03] Unknown:
hit by law. See terms and conditions 18 plus. No. No. No. I don't blame you when you look at a pint of stuff like that. Come here. Come over here. You're late again. We're nowhere have you been. Hey. But I just jumped in the the contractor that's building my new house. There's gonna be a house with seven gables. You mean seven gables? No. It's seven gables. When I build that house, I want it well built. I am. You dummy wasting your time with a contractor when when you've only got 48 hours to get rid of that money that you won last week before our income tax time was due. I'm trying to get rid of the money, Adam. Well Yesterday, I bought a 1923 Maxwell for $75. But with it, I had to take $400 worth of accessories. $400 worth of accessories? Yes. I had to buy two horses to pull it.
Oh. You got $38,000 to get rid of. And you've gotta get rid of it and make sure that you don't get it back. Okay. I'll get rid of it so I'll never it'll never come back, Tom. I'll lend it to Europe. Cut, Stella, this is ridiculous. Why don't you just take the $38,000 down to the income tax office and pay the tax on it? Can't do that, Adam. I figured it out last night, and $38,000 will not pay the tax on $38,000 Fuck. Did you send in your estimated income for 1947? You know, that's the one where they asked you to guess how much you're going to make this year? Oh, sure. I've sent it in, but I didn't sign it. Why didn't you sign it? If they want me to guess how much I'm gonna make, let them guess who sent it in.
Well, how how about deduction? My what? Deductions. Like, when I filed my tax, the man wanted to allow me $500 for my wife. For your wife, that's way overshilling. Hey. Look. I'm talking about the tenants. You see, everybody comes under a different tax table. Now if you're single, you come under one table. If you're married, you come under another table. That's it, Abbot. I ain't paying no taxes. Why? I refuse to do business under the table. Oh, okay. Costello, you're impossible. You'll never figure that tax out. So you've got to get rid of that money. Now hey. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. I've got an idea. The best place to lose money is at the racetrack. Racetrack. That's wonderful, Abbot. I love horses. My favorite story is about a horse named Black Beauty. Black Beauty? Yes. Once about a time, there was a little horse named Black Beauty. His mother was a bronco, and one night she died of a cold. Oh, she has a pneumonia. She what? She had pneumonia. Yeah. It was bronco pneumonia.
Bronco? Oh, wow. But when you keep out of this Alright. Why don't you go over to the delivery table and show them what a real jackass looks like? Now that That's not that. I'll have you understand I know jackass. You're no jackass. No. Your ass is too long. Alright. Wrong with the story. Okay. Now the farmer who owned black beauty, he loved them. And he used to brush and comb the horse. Yeah. No. No. You mean he carried the horse. Why should he carry him? Black Beauty was big enough to walk. Alright. Right. Now every morning, the farmer would feed Black Beauty. Yes. Black Beauty, ate his product. Yes. And after he would eat he ate his father. Certainly every horse eats his father. You mean he eats his father?
Yes. Then his father eats his father and his father eats his father. Pretty soon there wouldn't be no fathers left for father's day. That means to feed a horse, you take a bag and and put its spotter in it and hang it on his nose. Now ain't that a pretty picture? Black Beauty walking around with a spotter hanging on his nose. No. Never mind that. What's the rest of the story about Black Beauty? Well, Black Beauty liked to rain. Every time it would rain, he would run and run and he would run-in the water. In other words, Black Beauty was a mutter. Yes. Now one day, Black could I have that again? He was a mutter. Black Beauty was a mutter? Mhmm. How could a he be a mutter? Ain't a she a mutter? Certainly not. Sometimes he makes a better mutter than a she. Well, we learn something new every day.
Listen, Adam. Suppose a mama horse has little horses. So that make her a mother? Well, now that depends on her feet. Yeah. And and mhmm. Well, if you ask a silly question, you get a silly answer. No. No. No, Costello. I own racehorses and and have one of the finest mutters in the world. What has your mutter got to do with horses? My mutter is a horse. Now that you've mentioned it, I see the recent part here. Come on. Now one day, everybody on the farm was very, very sad. The farmer was sad. All the little horses were sad too. They were so sad to see Lulu. Wait a minute. Don't break down. Why was everybody so sad? Black beauty was limping around. That's too bad. There was something wrong with his front legs. Mhmm. The farmer took No. No. No. He might have something wrong with his foreleg. Yes. And then after would you mind running that past me again, please? I said he was having trouble with his foreleg. I just told you he limped on his two front legs. Well, Costello, horse's forelegs are in front. His forelegs are in front? Yeah. What are those stinks in the back, Ruttons?
You don't understand. A horse has forelegs in front and hindlegs in back. Forelegs in front and hindlegs in back. Right. What are we talking about? A horse for us 10 feet. Listen, man. Listen, please. I'm trying to tell you that our horse has four legs in front. Oh, Abbott. You're sure his four legs are in front? Certainly. Okay. But tell me this. What keeps his tail up? His hind legs. Look. When I say that the horse has four legs in front, I don't mean that his four legs are in front. I mean his four legs are in front. A horse has four legs. But all four of them are not four legs.
Oh, when you think that a horse has four legs in front, you don't mean that his four legs are in front. You mean that his four legs are in front. A horse has four legs, but all of them are not four legs. Now you've got it. Now I've got it. I don't even know what I'm talking about. Well, CUSTILLO, here's the racetrack. Now Saturday night is the deadline for income tax, and you've got to lose that money. Now I'll tell you how to bet because you don't know a horse from the side of a barn that I know. I do too. Test me. Alright. Look over there. What is that? A horse or the side of a barn? Have it. This time, you're right. See, you know absolutely nothing about horses. You don't study form. You don't know tract condition.
And with no information whatever, do you know what can happen to you, Lou? Yes. I can win. You can ask. Costello, to Lou, you've got to play long shots. Now I've got a horse that goes off at twenty to one. Let's hurry. I bet. It's test test 12. No. No. It's no hurry. No hurry. No, Harry. He doesn't go off till 03:00. I thought you said he was going off at twenty to one. He is. He goes off at twenty to one at 03:00. How can he go off at twenty to one if he goes off at 03:00? Listen. No matter what time he goes off, it'll still be twenty to one. It'll still be twenty to one at 03:00? That's right. Abbott, let me smell your hair. What do you mean? Uh-huh. No smell. Just as I thought. You've been drinking the hair tonic again.
You cut that out, Costello. Gotta lose that money. Now the smart thing to do is buy a dope sheet. You can get smart from buying a dope sheet? Certainly. If you have the dope, you're smart. Is that clear? Oh, sure. The horse goes off at twenty to one at 03:00. Never mind that. Hey. I think that fella over there is selling, tip sheets. Let's ask him. Hey, mister. Yeah? Do you sell tips on horses? As doctor Livingston said to Stanley, you came to the right place. I've got Joe's tip sheet, Henry's tip, Eddie's tip, and asparagus tip. Asparagus tip? That's for green horse players.
Great. Well, we'll take Joe's there, Tiptoe. Is it any good? As the queen of Sheba said to Solomon, it's wonderful. Mister. Mister. Forget that. We want a tip sheet that picks Loser. Loser? Well, if you wanna lose, I've got a horse that goes off at twenty to one. At 03:00?
[00:08:41] Unknown:
No. 04:30.
[00:08:47] Unknown:
Look, mister. As doctor Jekyll said to mister Hyde, take a powder. No. No. Why ain't that gentleman? Mister, give us a copy of Joe's, tipster. Fine. There you are. And as young doctor Malone said to Ma Perkins, that will be $5. Okay. Okay. Now I'll be able to pick the horse. Oh, you mean you wanna use Joe's tip sheet to pick the horses? Well, in that case, you'll need a copy of Henry's tip sheet. You see, that explains what Joe's tip sheet is all about. How much is that? $10. Okay. I'll take it. Let's go ahead and Just a minute, Patty. Can can you read the code in Henry's tip sheet? Oh, sure. I can read What code?
Uh-huh. Well, then you'll need Dom's TIP GE, which explains the code on Henry's TIP GE, which fits all of his in Joe's TIP GE. That'll be $25. Oh, come on, Costello. We've gotta make some mess and lose that money. Nothing doing that, but I can lose all my money right here. Hey. Here's $25. Thank you. And as missus Chip said to missus Chip, goodbye. Goodbye.
[00:09:53] Unknown:
Hey, Evan.
[00:09:54] Unknown:
Hey, Evan. Come on. I don't need this guy's ticket. I got something right special from the feed box. What is it? Hoats. I am. There's no good Now look, Hey. They're stealing any. Maybe you can give us a loser. Hiya, fellas. Hey. What time is 03:00? Good. I got a horse that goes off at twenty to one. How can a horse go off at twenty to one at 03:00? Just a minute. I'm the straight man. Kenny, Castello's got a lot of money to lose. Do you know any slow horses? Why? Sure. Play Ashcan in the third. Now wait a minute. Are you sure Ashcan is a slow horse? You're a slow horse? Boy, if Paul Revere had ridden Ashcan, you'd be doing your baseball routine about cricket.
About cricket. I wonder how it would sound. Whom is on first? Come on, Godzilla. Let's call for the first race. Let's get a bet down. I'm gonna play Whirlpool. Here, mister, 500 on Whirlpool to win. Hey. Hey. You got the bed down just in time, Costello. They're off. I hope Whirlpool doesn't win. Abbott, the only way that horse could win is if he had an outboard motor at Ashland. Well, he couldn't have one without it. You idiot. Now you've got more money than never to get rid of. Hey. Look. Look at that lady's program and see what she's marking. Maybe she'll pick a loser. Pardon me, madam. Could you sort of Well, if it isn't mister Albert and mister Costello. Hello? You soft little one. You
[00:11:35] Unknown:
What are you doing here at the roost truck?
[00:11:38] Unknown:
Roost truck? Oh, well, but you know what a roost truck is. That's where they roost the hooses and the roosts.
[00:11:50] Unknown:
I love to come to the truck and save my wagers with the Boop Moogers. What a cold Inky Dinky.
[00:12:00] Unknown:
I come here to drink Coca Cola and eat Frog Footer and try to pick a wiener.
[00:12:15] Unknown:
Well, it's been grond seeing you. I must be totally along. As we say in French, je suis de la pigale en la quesque caisse to you. And a juicy dill pickle in the kitchen.
[00:12:27] Unknown:
Hey, Castello. Hey, Castello. We should come to the track tomorrow. All the big movie producers come here, and we might make some good contact. Yes. While they're looking over the horses, they might take them apart for me. They might take them apart for me. Speak up. What am I saying?
[00:12:41] Unknown:
Oh, you're the best, Lois Rabbit. Where are you going with that big bale of hay? Oh, pardon me. It's Cartsello. Oh, my. I just love the racetrack. You know, my late husband
[00:12:53] Unknown:
said I had the makings of a great horsewoman. You're saying that wrong. Your husband said you had the makings of a great horse, woman. That's all you just got time to play the third race now. Look. Let's try the old fashioned method. Stick a pin in missus, Wetwash's program and play whatever you pick. Okay. Missus Wetwash, may I borrow your hat pin? Yes. Thank you. Now hold up the program. I'll close my eyes and stab it with the hat pin. There they go. Costello.
[00:13:20] Unknown:
Costello, you stuck missus' lipwash with the hat pin. Look. She's jumping the fence. She's out on the track. At the corner, Bishop Bell is going to the front. Busy Bee is second. Just a minute, folks. There's an added sauna out there. That's a strange looking nag, but, brother, can she run?
[00:13:36] Unknown:
Now you get it, Costello.
[00:13:37] Unknown:
Missus Wetwash is running in the race. You probably wouldn't pay a lot of money. And the winner is the added sauna, which has just been identified as missus Wetwas. Isn't that a silly name for a woman?
[00:13:49] Unknown:
That's a silly name for a woman. I wonder what she paid. Missus Wetwas went off at twenty to one and came in at 03:00. How do you like that? Now the race pack announcers are doing our routines, have it? Costello, we came to the racetrack today to lose money, and all you've done is win. Now if you're stuck with that bankroll, March 15, you'll really be in trouble with your income tax. I can't help but have it. Gambling runs in my family. My uncle, Artie Stephens, was a big gambler too. He once crossed a racehorse with a chicken. Crossed a racehorse with a chicken? Yeah. What more? So could we ask, like And would you like to buy a sweepstake ticket? They're 50¢ a week. Oh, sure. Here's $50. Give me a hundred of them. Hey. Wait a minute. The price mark of these tickets is $2. How can you afford to sell them so cheap? The race was last year.
[00:14:39] Unknown:
Now would you like to take a chance on this punch board? You paid 500 to one. Now wait a minute. The punch board is all punched out. I know. But where else could you get such beautiful art? Say, mister, who are you? Now let me think. Oh, I've got some business cards in my pocket. Would you mind reaching in and pulling one out? See, my hands are all covered with things. Pardon me, sir. But, what are you doing? Pardon me, sir. But, what are
[00:15:06] Unknown:
you doing? Pardon me, sir. Not a police dog in his pocket. Pardon me, sir. But, what are you doing here at the racetrack? Oh, I own the Grace horse, Numsco.
[00:15:18] Unknown:
My wife gave him to me for birth my birthday. Your wife gave you a horse? Yeah. She didn't want me to have anything sharp.
[00:15:26] Unknown:
Your wife must write your jokes too. You haven't had anything sharp in the last two minutes. Well,
[00:15:32] Unknown:
gentlemen, I've got to go now. I've got to hang up my horse. Hang up your horse? Yes. He's a mustang, and he must hang someplace.
[00:15:45] Unknown:
Anderson, they ought to send that guy to the United Nations conference. Is it Elliot? No. It's a problem. Oh, come on, Castella. Let's take a look at his horse, Nemeskull. He may be just the horse to lose your money on. Oh, Lewis? Lewis Costello? Castella. Here's Marilyn Maxwell. Mine looks pretty, Marilyn. That's a lovely dress you're wearing. Oh, it's just something I threw on. You must have blown a curve.
[00:16:08] Unknown:
You smell good too. Oh, that's my new race track perfume. Chanel, number eight to five. Dee Lewis, didn't we have fun in the movies last night? Yeah. I thought Ray Millan was wonderful in that picture, California. But I think you have a much better looking map. Than Ray Millan? No. Than California.
[00:16:29] Unknown:
Really, Priscilla. There's that daffy guy's boss, Numstow. What a confused little heart. Come on. I'll introduce you to him. Numstow, this is Marilyn. Hey, look, Cartella. Here comes missus Whitwash. Well, well, Cartella, what horse is that? This is Numsco. Numsco, meet missus Whitwash.
[00:16:58] Unknown:
Oh, what a clever horse. You know I love horses. Oh, can't get any men to go out with. Now listen, little fat boy. You embarrassed me this afternoon, but I'll forgive you for making me run-in that crazy race.
[00:17:11] Unknown:
I hope you noticed that I won. Yes. I also noticed that nobody claimed you.
[00:17:16] Unknown:
Well, come on, missus Wetboys. Let's go make a bet on numskull. See you later, Louis. Hey. Hey. Look, Estella. There's our pretty little Pilly. She cost $3,000.
[00:17:25] Unknown:
Her name is Mignon. Three thousand dollars for a filly, Mignon? That looks like both mushrooms and French fried potatoes. And look at the next doll, Cartella. There's a mayor with a coat. The mayor has a coat? Yes. Well, if he's got a colt, why don't somebody give him a handkerchief? Get him some four way colt tablets or something. No. No. He doesn't need tablets or handkerchiefs. I'm talking about a colt. That mayor has a colt. The trainer will take that colt and teach it to run. They gotta teach a colt to run naturally. Brother, when I get a colt, it runs all by itself.
No. Okay. Look. Hey. Look, Lo. Here comes the groom with the horse's bridle. He's getting ready to lead her away by the halter. Abbot, stop the wedding. Stop the wedding. Sure. By the time the horse's groom leads the bridle to the halter, that coat will start running, and she'll sneeze right in that groom's kisser. Come on, Tracela. That's the post call for the last race. And you've got to bet on a loser to get rid of that money. Remember your income tax haven't. I'm going to bet it all on Numbskull. I've been looking at this form. He's got a lose. What does the form say? Well, it says he was beaten at Santa Anita. He was also ran at ten for an. He came home in the dark at Hollywood Park and showed our weakness and the preakness. Okay. Numbshell it is. Let's get the bed down.
[00:18:53] Unknown:
Corner race, folks. At the quarter, it's Numbskull by two legs. Banjo is second and pursuit gas third. Oh, no. Oh, no. They're cutting into the stretch. Numskull is in front by three legs. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, yes. Oh, yes. And the winner is Gertie's corset.
[00:19:15] Unknown:
Did you hear that, Costello? The winner was Gertie's corset. That was a tight squeeze. Well, we did it, Abbot. The money's all gone. I don't have to worry about no income tax. Attention, everybody. Hold all tickets. There's been a disqualification.
[00:19:29] Unknown:
Gertie's corset got rubbed in the stretch and broke in front of the first trench.
[00:19:36] Unknown:
How do you like that? They busted Gertie's corset. And here is the judge's decision.
[00:19:40] Unknown:
The officials are putting up Numskull's number and taking down Gertie's corset.
[00:19:47] Unknown:
You hear that, Costello? Numskull's number is up. So is mine. House get dressed. Here I come. Come on, Evan.
