In this lively episode, we dive into a comedic skit featuring the classic duo Abbott and Costello. The episode opens with a humorous exchange about the peculiar places people have gotten lucky, setting the stage for a series of comedic misunderstandings and wordplay. As the skit unfolds, Costello finds himself in a series of legal troubles, from driving mishaps to courtroom antics, all while Abbott tries to help, albeit with questionable math and logic. The episode is filled with quick wit, slapstick humor, and the timeless charm of Abbott and Costello's dynamic. The courtroom scene is a highlight, showcasing Costello's attempts to navigate the legal system with the help of a quirky lawyer and his own brother, Sebastian. The episode concludes with a humorous twist as Costello faces a sentence, only to be left contemplating the antics that led him there. This episode is a delightful throwback to classic comedy, filled with laughter and the enduring humor of Abbott and Costello.
(01:02) The Letter from Corporal Hugo
(03:00) The Math Debate
(06:29) The Driving Incident
(09:33) The Courtroom Drama
(19:14) Sebastian's Farewell
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[00:00:00]
Unknown:
Lucky Land Casino asking people what's the weirdest place you've gotten lucky. Lucky? In line of the deli, I guess? In my dentist's office. More than once, actually. Do I have to say? Yes. You do. In the car before my kids' PTA meeting. Really? Yes. Excuse me. What's the weirdest place you've gotten lucky? I never went in town. Well, there you have it. You could get lucky anywhere playing at luckylandslots.com. Play for free right now. Are you feeling lucky? No purchase necessary. Void record written by law. 18 plus terms and conditions plus. See what type of details.
[00:00:31] Unknown:
With Lucky Land Slots, you can get lucky just about anywhere.
[00:00:35] Unknown:
This is your captain speaking. We've got clear runway and the weather is fine, but we're just gonna circle up here a while and, get lucky. No. No. Nothing like that. It's just these cash prizes add up quick. So I suggest you sit back, keep your tray table upright, and start getting lucky.
[00:00:50] Unknown:
Apply for free at luckylandslots.com. Are you feeling lucky? No purchase necessary. Void where prohibited by law. 18
[00:01:02] Unknown:
cut, sell off. I just stopped by your mailbox and found a letter for you. Shall I read it to you? Why, I can read it myself. I'm illiterate. No. Well, what do you know? Abbott, it's another letter for my cousin, Corporal Hugo Costello. It's a v letter. No. Costello, you don't mean a v letter. You mean a v letter. No. This is a v letter. He's putting a v on me for $10. And besides, you goes in the guardhouse again. What are you wrong this time? Well, he nailed a picture of a pinup drill on the wall of his tent. Old nonsense. Why? They throw him in the guardhouse just for nailing a picture of the wall on his tent. Well, there was a sergeant standing outside. The tent was thin, the nail was long, and the sergeant was tall. Do you get the point? No. He did.
Anyhow, I hope you're not going to send Hugo the money he asked for. Oh, yes. I am, Abbott. I was out of the bank you threw up my $75 that I made this summer working on Uncle Artie Seven's farm. Now wait a minute, Costello. You can't draw that money out without consoling me. It so happens that I have a joint account. Not anymore, Rabbit. I just cleaned out the joint. Uh-huh. That's how you can't get away with this. Now I want that $75 right away. As your manager, I'm entitled to 10%. That means that out of the 75, I get 50 and you get 25. Well, that's okay. I mean, that's all I have, but I'm not trying to trim. I'm not trying to trim. No. Certainly not. Wait a minute. Now what's the matter? What's the matter? Are are you trying to tell me that 10% of 75 is 50? Personally, you don't think I tried to cheat you, do you? Well, you cheated me last night when we were playing tiddlywinks. Tiddlywinks. That's ridiculous. How could I cheat you playing tiddlywinks? You were using loaded tiddly. Cuttillo, I'm going to prove to you right now that 10% of 75 is 50. Now, I'll do it by multiplying. Now, look, now 10 times seven is 70. 10 times five is 50. 70 and 50 is a 20. Now, of course, in California, half of everything goes to my wife. Half of a 20 is 60. Deduct $8 for federal tax and $2 for Social Security leave, $50 for me and 25 for you, I take it. You might as well take it. You've taken everything else.
Now that's ridiculous. I'm trying to help you. Avoc, you're loading the tiddlies again. Oh, Tom Tom, Costilla, they're all the figures right in front of you. You and remember, figures don't lie. No. But sometimes liars figure. If I make corn afraid if I make corn afraid, and I think I will. Now that's cornered. Now just a minute. I'm going to do the figuring this time. Only instead of emulsifying, I will be tracked. Now now 50 will go into 10 no matter how much you shove it. No. So instead, we will use cubic feet, which is two feet to the foot. Wait a minute. Two feet to the foot. Yeah. How did you get the extra foot? I grew another foot this summer. All right. Go ahead. Now, Lamont, please don't interrupt me. Now, to get 10% of 75%, we divide by three, bring down four, hang up six and Cary Grant.
Cary Grant? Cary Grant. Cary Grant. Cary Grant. Kind of heavy. I think I'll unload them. Now, if x equals the sum of these days, I like that. Look. Steve, Frank, tell me the truth. Do you know anything about figures? Oh, I've whistled at a few in my day. Oh, that is please. That is not what I mean. Look. To prove to you that you know nothing about figures, I am going to give you a very simple mathematical problem. All right, Abbot. I'm trying to make it a very easy one this time. None of that tough stuff like how much is two and two. All right, all right, all right. One and two is? Easier than that. Make that one out one. All right. Very well, look here. Here's the problem. Now let's say say you're 40 years old and you're in love with a little girl, say 10 years old. I'm in love with a 10 year old girl? Yes. Yes. Yes. This one's gonna be a pit. What do you mean? I'm going around with a 10 year old girl. So wait a minute. You got a good idea where I'm gonna wind up. Alright. Alright. Here in the nursery, who cares where you wind up? Now look, you couldn't marry this 10 year old girl, could you? Not unless I come from the mountain. And now look, listen, just this rough guy selling.
Look, this little girl is hypothetical. What? Hypothetical. Keep her away from me. That stuff is petty. Can you please let me finish the problem? You're 40 years old. This little girl is 10. You're four times as old as she is. So you wait five years. Now the little girl is 50 and you're 45. You're only three times as old as she is. Now you wait fifteen years more. Now the little girl is 30 and you're 60. You're only twice as old as she is anyhow, here is the big question. Here is the big question. How long do you have to wait until you and the little girl are the same age? Oh, that's ridiculous. I mean, if I keep waiting for that girl, she'll pass me by. What do you mean? I mean, she'll wind up all the night. Oh, okay. And then she'll have to wait for me. Why should she wait for you? I was nice enough to wait for her.
Wait a minute. After all, if the girl is willing to marry me, I'm willing to marry her. Oh, you are? Sure. Wait a minute. Do you know this girl? No. Then why should you marry a girl you don't even know? I mean, I You're dope. I mean, I'm How can you expect me to trust you with her money? Oh, trust with the money, Yes. Well, if you think you're so smart, let me ask you a question. Certainly ask me anything. All right anything. All right. What's the difference between? The difference between? Yes. Between what? See, he's the correct one. Oh, get out of the way. Come on, Castell, jump into the car. We're going downtown, put your $75 check-in the bank. Come on, step on the start up.
The oil was too thick. Look, will you please get going, Costello, please, before the banks close? Costello, watch where you're driving. Give that pedestrian the right of way. Okay. Oh, don't fix that dummy. Can't you see where you're going? I got you, didn't I? Costello, you bumped into that woman. Well, you told me to. I did not. I said give her the right away. I thought you said give it to her right away. Oh, oh, oh, here comes a motorcycle, cop. Hey. Just a minute, Cuppert. Don't get that motorcycle too close to this car. You wanna strike the paint? We don't need it against my car. Never mind that.
What's the idea driving so fast? Going to a fire? Yeah. But there's a fire. Come on. Let's go. Tell all of us. Let's go. That's all. There isn't any fire. This guy just told me there was a fire. I did not. I just asked if you were going to a fire. Sure, I'll go. I'd like to watch fires. Listen, Claudine. There isn't any fire. Now didn't you just ask me if I was going to a fire? Yes. I did, but I always ask that. Whether there's a fire or not? Yes. Let me smell your breath. Look. You have had enough of your gun. You just made an improper turn. You were driving on the sidewalk. You went through two red lights, and you struck a pedestrian while going 60 miles an hour. 60 miles a minute. An hour. A minute. My car won't go an hour. Alright, Waze Guy. Here's your ticket now. Just a minute, officer. You No. He hasn't even got a driver's license.
And that's all entitled you to give me a ticket if I ain't got a driver's license? No. Because if Abbott says I ain't got none, ain't what are you telling a man, Agnes? Hell that fool. And what are you telling the guy? Not you're gonna get me stuck with a fine. What do you care about a fine? You've got a pocket full of money. Cleaned out the bank this morning, didn't you? Robbing the bank. Oh, no. You'll get twenty years for this. Keep an eye on this crooked roll away. Oh, Abbott. Look where you got me into. Not a glitch for me in jail. I don't wanna go to jail, Abbott. I wouldn't look good with that prison power.
I'm too young and pretty. I'm cute. Yeah. Hello. They can't throw you in jail. This is all I'm gonna say. Now all we have to do is get a good attorney. Hi, Laurent. Your grandi is a lawyer. I am Jandhi.
[00:09:43] Unknown:
Oh, gentlemen, I hear you're looking for a lawyer. Hey, it's our friend, Kissel. Kitssell, how did you know we wanted a lawyer? A little boy that told me he said, cheap, cheap.
[00:09:53] Unknown:
Yeah. And I know what kind of a lawyer you are. Who told you? A little duck. He went quack quack. Now tell him, I agree with you. Kitzel is no lawyer.
[00:10:03] Unknown:
Oh, Pritchett, Kitzel is no lawyer. I'll ask you to know you're talking to our college man, why I studied law in New York. NYU. And why not? Well, come, come, come, my chubby little cucumber. I'm going to defend you in court on a ninety-ninety basis. What's a ninety-ninety basis? Well, if we win, I get $90 and if we lose, you get ninety days. Well, gentlemen, I'll meet you by the courthouse, three 04:00. Where are you going now? Oh, I got to go to my office and draw up my briefs.
[00:10:35] Unknown:
You gotta draw up your briefs? Yeah. Well, here's a safety pin. You can pin your briefs up right here in front of everybody. Pin up my briefs in front of everybody. I don't like it. Now look, Abbot, you got me in enough trouble. I don't want this chisel for a lawyer. I think it's a phony.
[00:10:54] Unknown:
Just one second. Just a second. And I'm giving you just two seconds to take it back.
[00:11:02] Unknown:
The time is up. What are you going to do about it? I'll give you an extension.
[00:11:07] Unknown:
You're not something with me as your lawyer, Mr. Costello. You can't possibly lose the case because we're going to plead insanity.
[00:11:15] Unknown:
Insanity? Uh-huh. But I'm not crazy. Maybe not, but I am.
[00:11:21] Unknown:
Hoo hoo, what one we are going to have in court. Why are you handle such cases as mashers, flashers and dead money cash offs, pickups, pickups and a few friends with decop, tatings, and adeddings, and two shotgun weddings, Danny, the Visa, and our gorgeous twist teaser.
[00:11:36] Unknown:
Not to mention hijackers, safe crackers, and mother-in-law smackers, robbers and fakers, and piggy bank shakers, forgers and checkers, and Griffiths, park neckers, gyps, drips and a girl with bad hips.
[00:12:04] Unknown:
Hear ye. Hear ye. Hear ye. Hear ye. The third district court is now in session. This is a trial of the state versus Lou Costello. The state will now attempt to prove that Lou Costello is guilty. And I think we can do it too.
[00:12:21] Unknown:
You know, Abbott, I don't like the looks of this place. Quiet, Costello. Here comes a judge. He's a tall, bald headed man. What is this? A court of missing his? Order in the court. Order. Order. Order. One ham and cheese on a Post it Roll. This is a courtroom, not a lunchroom. Then why are those 12 guys sitting over there at the counter? Those 12 men are the jury. 11 men and a foreman. What are the other three guys? What are the three guys? He said there was 11 men and four men besides. That's 15 men. No, no, young man. There's only 12. 11 men with a foreman makes 12. 11 and four is 12?
No. Eleven and four is 15, but the foreman is just one man. Sometimes the jury has 12 jurymen, and they're all ladies. The foreman too? Certainly. Let me smell your breath. Silence. Silence. The most stupid thing I've heard in all my years at the bar. Oh, a little less time at the bar, you wouldn't be so stupid.
[00:13:20] Unknown:
Boy, sir, we will proceed with the case.
[00:13:25] Unknown:
Luca Stello, you are charged with resisting an officer. You are charged with driving the wrong way on a one way street. You are charged with going 60 miles an hour in a 25 mile zone, endangering the lives of pedestrians and going through two red lights. What have you got to say? None of us is perfect. Young man, I'm beginning to think that you're nothing but an imbecilic nincompoop. Your honor, I resent that. You mean you deny it? To the witness being cute, she can be as cute as she likes. Tell us your story, ma'am.
[00:14:15] Unknown:
Well, my name is Jennifer Jaywalker, and I'm a sweater girl. You're a sweater girl? A big skinny girl like you? How can you be a sweater girl? I don't wear them. I need them.
[00:14:27] Unknown:
This next line, I abstain. Wait a minute. Why do you object? She's getting bigger less than I am. Young lady, please tell the court where you were when this young man's car struck you. I was on my way home from work. I was hustling a cat to bus. Where did he strike you? Between a hustle and a bus. This whole case is a farce. But since this is your first offense, mister Castillo, I'm willing to let you go with a warning and a suspended sentence. Thank you, judge I object. You can't dismiss this case without a fair trial. Yes. I demand a fair trial. Absolutely. What are you talking about, Abbott? Will you shut up? Wait a minute. This guy wants to let me go. But I object.
He hasn't heard your side of the case yet. I'm willing to forget all about it. No. You don't. We're going to fight this thing through if we have to drag you through the Supreme Court. Abbot, you're loading the Tiblies again. Quiet, Costello. We're going to present our character witness. You can't do that. You mean you have no witness? I have no character. Never mind that, Costello. I've dug up a witness for you, your own little brother. Not little Sebastian? Yes. No. Yes. Not him. Yes. He is a character. Yes.
Come here, Sebastian. Help me, Uncle Juan. Hey, Louise. Here I am. What do you want me to say? Quiet. Quiet, Sebastian. Okay. Don't yell at me. Don't yell at me. Don't yell at me. Don't yell at me. I'm fine. What time you'll be what's the matter with you? I'll get you to your jean. Quiet. You realize it's a serious trial while your brother's very life might be at stake. I'm ashamed of you, admittedly. Shame. Sebastian, why do you do these things? Oh, I'm a valiant boy. Who is this unruly brat? Hey, Uncle Buck. Who is this wise guy with the black nightshirt? Why it's Sebastian? Take the witness stand. I don't wanna take the stand. Young man, do as you're told. Sit down in front. I can't. I don't bend that way.
Order of the call. Now, young man, what is your name? I said, what is your name? Young man, what is your name? Wait till I find the plate. What is? Oh, my name, hey? Yes. You're in. Okay. Sebastian, take a hot dog. What is the tea for? I beg your pardon? What is the tea for? My mother won't let me drink beer.
[00:17:21] Unknown:
Oh, let's proceed with the case. Bailiff, kindly swear in the winter. Young man, raise your right hand. Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth or would you rather be a mule?
[00:17:38] Unknown:
I'd like to hang one on his bar. Now wait a minute. Wait a minute, wait a minute, Baylor. Let me handle the boy. Look, Sebastian. Do you know what will happen to you if you don't tell the truth? Yes, Uncle Bud. I will go to heaven. And, what happens if you do tell the truth? My brother goes to jail. No. No. No. No, Sebastian. I want you to tell the judge the wonderful man your brother Louie is. I ain't talking till I get my 50¢. Oh, yes, you will. Oh, no, I won't. Oh, yes, you will. Oh, no, I won't. Oh, yes. Oh, yes, you will. Oh, no, I won't.
Well, what's the difference? We always come out even. Costello, you must be guilty. Even your little brother refuses to testify in your defense. Ah, don't pay any attention to my little brother, judge. I hate to say this, but, he isn't all there. Are you sure? I should be. I'm playing both parts. Mister Costello, in view of the new evidence in this case and your lack of defense, it is my painful duty to sentence you to ninety days of hard labor. Court adjourned. Well, pal, see what I did for you? That's a real pal. This guy wasn't going to give you anything, but I fought for you. I got you ninety days, didn't I? You certainly did. Right. But you could have fought a little harder and got me the chair.
You want to go back? No. No. Keep your mouth shut, bud. Keep it shut. All right. Come here, Sebastian. Come here to your brother. Now look. What do you want, Louie? I'm awfully sorry that this had to happen to you. It breaks my heart to think that I will be able to see you for ninety days. That's alright, Sebastian. I can take it. Louie, it's gonna be tough on me. I'm gonna miss you. I'm gonna miss you too, Sebastian. Louie, before you go, there's one little favor I'd like to ask you. All right, Sebastian. All right, Sebastian. What is it?
While you're away. Go ahead. While you're away. Yes. Could I use your loaded tiddlies?
[00:20:18] Unknown:
We We're going to bring you Abbott and Costello in just a moment.
[00:20:25] Unknown:
Thanks to the Yanks of the Week. Tonight, we salute mines at Winston Salem, North Carolina, well of the Bronze Star for bravery and action in the initial landing on Saipan. In your honor, Lieutenant Heinz, the makers of camels are sending to our fighters overseas 400,000 camel cigarettes.
[00:20:48] Unknown:
Each of the three Camel Radio shows honors a Yank of the Week by sending free 400,000 Camel cigarettes overseas, a total of more than 1,000,000 camels sent free each week. In this country, the camel caravan traveling from camp to camp have thanked audiences of more than 4,000,000 yanks with free shows and free camels. Camel broadcast go out to The United States Three times a week, a short wave to our men overseas and to South America. Listen tomorrow to Jimmy Durante and Gary Moore, Monday to Bob Hawkin, thanks to the Yanks, and next Thursday to Abbott and Costello. And now a few final words from Budd Abbott and Lou Costello. Thanks, Ken. Well, Costello,
[00:21:29] Unknown:
now that you've got yourself out of jail, let's go home. Not now. I gotta get my uncle out of jail. What's he in for? Oh, it was a frame of that little Sebastian he pranked my uncle up. What do you mean? They accused him of stealing a tub of butter. A tub of butter? I gotta get him out right away. What's the hurry? We're all out of butter again. Oh, stop. Good night, folks. Good night, folks.
Lucky Land Casino asking people what's the weirdest place you've gotten lucky. Lucky? In line of the deli, I guess? In my dentist's office. More than once, actually. Do I have to say? Yes. You do. In the car before my kids' PTA meeting. Really? Yes. Excuse me. What's the weirdest place you've gotten lucky? I never went in town. Well, there you have it. You could get lucky anywhere playing at luckylandslots.com. Play for free right now. Are you feeling lucky? No purchase necessary. Void record written by law. 18 plus terms and conditions plus. See what type of details.
[00:00:31] Unknown:
With Lucky Land Slots, you can get lucky just about anywhere.
[00:00:35] Unknown:
This is your captain speaking. We've got clear runway and the weather is fine, but we're just gonna circle up here a while and, get lucky. No. No. Nothing like that. It's just these cash prizes add up quick. So I suggest you sit back, keep your tray table upright, and start getting lucky.
[00:00:50] Unknown:
Apply for free at luckylandslots.com. Are you feeling lucky? No purchase necessary. Void where prohibited by law. 18
[00:01:02] Unknown:
cut, sell off. I just stopped by your mailbox and found a letter for you. Shall I read it to you? Why, I can read it myself. I'm illiterate. No. Well, what do you know? Abbott, it's another letter for my cousin, Corporal Hugo Costello. It's a v letter. No. Costello, you don't mean a v letter. You mean a v letter. No. This is a v letter. He's putting a v on me for $10. And besides, you goes in the guardhouse again. What are you wrong this time? Well, he nailed a picture of a pinup drill on the wall of his tent. Old nonsense. Why? They throw him in the guardhouse just for nailing a picture of the wall on his tent. Well, there was a sergeant standing outside. The tent was thin, the nail was long, and the sergeant was tall. Do you get the point? No. He did.
Anyhow, I hope you're not going to send Hugo the money he asked for. Oh, yes. I am, Abbott. I was out of the bank you threw up my $75 that I made this summer working on Uncle Artie Seven's farm. Now wait a minute, Costello. You can't draw that money out without consoling me. It so happens that I have a joint account. Not anymore, Rabbit. I just cleaned out the joint. Uh-huh. That's how you can't get away with this. Now I want that $75 right away. As your manager, I'm entitled to 10%. That means that out of the 75, I get 50 and you get 25. Well, that's okay. I mean, that's all I have, but I'm not trying to trim. I'm not trying to trim. No. Certainly not. Wait a minute. Now what's the matter? What's the matter? Are are you trying to tell me that 10% of 75 is 50? Personally, you don't think I tried to cheat you, do you? Well, you cheated me last night when we were playing tiddlywinks. Tiddlywinks. That's ridiculous. How could I cheat you playing tiddlywinks? You were using loaded tiddly. Cuttillo, I'm going to prove to you right now that 10% of 75 is 50. Now, I'll do it by multiplying. Now, look, now 10 times seven is 70. 10 times five is 50. 70 and 50 is a 20. Now, of course, in California, half of everything goes to my wife. Half of a 20 is 60. Deduct $8 for federal tax and $2 for Social Security leave, $50 for me and 25 for you, I take it. You might as well take it. You've taken everything else.
Now that's ridiculous. I'm trying to help you. Avoc, you're loading the tiddlies again. Oh, Tom Tom, Costilla, they're all the figures right in front of you. You and remember, figures don't lie. No. But sometimes liars figure. If I make corn afraid if I make corn afraid, and I think I will. Now that's cornered. Now just a minute. I'm going to do the figuring this time. Only instead of emulsifying, I will be tracked. Now now 50 will go into 10 no matter how much you shove it. No. So instead, we will use cubic feet, which is two feet to the foot. Wait a minute. Two feet to the foot. Yeah. How did you get the extra foot? I grew another foot this summer. All right. Go ahead. Now, Lamont, please don't interrupt me. Now, to get 10% of 75%, we divide by three, bring down four, hang up six and Cary Grant.
Cary Grant? Cary Grant. Cary Grant. Cary Grant. Kind of heavy. I think I'll unload them. Now, if x equals the sum of these days, I like that. Look. Steve, Frank, tell me the truth. Do you know anything about figures? Oh, I've whistled at a few in my day. Oh, that is please. That is not what I mean. Look. To prove to you that you know nothing about figures, I am going to give you a very simple mathematical problem. All right, Abbot. I'm trying to make it a very easy one this time. None of that tough stuff like how much is two and two. All right, all right, all right. One and two is? Easier than that. Make that one out one. All right. Very well, look here. Here's the problem. Now let's say say you're 40 years old and you're in love with a little girl, say 10 years old. I'm in love with a 10 year old girl? Yes. Yes. Yes. This one's gonna be a pit. What do you mean? I'm going around with a 10 year old girl. So wait a minute. You got a good idea where I'm gonna wind up. Alright. Alright. Here in the nursery, who cares where you wind up? Now look, you couldn't marry this 10 year old girl, could you? Not unless I come from the mountain. And now look, listen, just this rough guy selling.
Look, this little girl is hypothetical. What? Hypothetical. Keep her away from me. That stuff is petty. Can you please let me finish the problem? You're 40 years old. This little girl is 10. You're four times as old as she is. So you wait five years. Now the little girl is 50 and you're 45. You're only three times as old as she is. Now you wait fifteen years more. Now the little girl is 30 and you're 60. You're only twice as old as she is anyhow, here is the big question. Here is the big question. How long do you have to wait until you and the little girl are the same age? Oh, that's ridiculous. I mean, if I keep waiting for that girl, she'll pass me by. What do you mean? I mean, she'll wind up all the night. Oh, okay. And then she'll have to wait for me. Why should she wait for you? I was nice enough to wait for her.
Wait a minute. After all, if the girl is willing to marry me, I'm willing to marry her. Oh, you are? Sure. Wait a minute. Do you know this girl? No. Then why should you marry a girl you don't even know? I mean, I You're dope. I mean, I'm How can you expect me to trust you with her money? Oh, trust with the money, Yes. Well, if you think you're so smart, let me ask you a question. Certainly ask me anything. All right anything. All right. What's the difference between? The difference between? Yes. Between what? See, he's the correct one. Oh, get out of the way. Come on, Castell, jump into the car. We're going downtown, put your $75 check-in the bank. Come on, step on the start up.
The oil was too thick. Look, will you please get going, Costello, please, before the banks close? Costello, watch where you're driving. Give that pedestrian the right of way. Okay. Oh, don't fix that dummy. Can't you see where you're going? I got you, didn't I? Costello, you bumped into that woman. Well, you told me to. I did not. I said give her the right away. I thought you said give it to her right away. Oh, oh, oh, here comes a motorcycle, cop. Hey. Just a minute, Cuppert. Don't get that motorcycle too close to this car. You wanna strike the paint? We don't need it against my car. Never mind that.
What's the idea driving so fast? Going to a fire? Yeah. But there's a fire. Come on. Let's go. Tell all of us. Let's go. That's all. There isn't any fire. This guy just told me there was a fire. I did not. I just asked if you were going to a fire. Sure, I'll go. I'd like to watch fires. Listen, Claudine. There isn't any fire. Now didn't you just ask me if I was going to a fire? Yes. I did, but I always ask that. Whether there's a fire or not? Yes. Let me smell your breath. Look. You have had enough of your gun. You just made an improper turn. You were driving on the sidewalk. You went through two red lights, and you struck a pedestrian while going 60 miles an hour. 60 miles a minute. An hour. A minute. My car won't go an hour. Alright, Waze Guy. Here's your ticket now. Just a minute, officer. You No. He hasn't even got a driver's license.
And that's all entitled you to give me a ticket if I ain't got a driver's license? No. Because if Abbott says I ain't got none, ain't what are you telling a man, Agnes? Hell that fool. And what are you telling the guy? Not you're gonna get me stuck with a fine. What do you care about a fine? You've got a pocket full of money. Cleaned out the bank this morning, didn't you? Robbing the bank. Oh, no. You'll get twenty years for this. Keep an eye on this crooked roll away. Oh, Abbott. Look where you got me into. Not a glitch for me in jail. I don't wanna go to jail, Abbott. I wouldn't look good with that prison power.
I'm too young and pretty. I'm cute. Yeah. Hello. They can't throw you in jail. This is all I'm gonna say. Now all we have to do is get a good attorney. Hi, Laurent. Your grandi is a lawyer. I am Jandhi.
[00:09:43] Unknown:
Oh, gentlemen, I hear you're looking for a lawyer. Hey, it's our friend, Kissel. Kitssell, how did you know we wanted a lawyer? A little boy that told me he said, cheap, cheap.
[00:09:53] Unknown:
Yeah. And I know what kind of a lawyer you are. Who told you? A little duck. He went quack quack. Now tell him, I agree with you. Kitzel is no lawyer.
[00:10:03] Unknown:
Oh, Pritchett, Kitzel is no lawyer. I'll ask you to know you're talking to our college man, why I studied law in New York. NYU. And why not? Well, come, come, come, my chubby little cucumber. I'm going to defend you in court on a ninety-ninety basis. What's a ninety-ninety basis? Well, if we win, I get $90 and if we lose, you get ninety days. Well, gentlemen, I'll meet you by the courthouse, three 04:00. Where are you going now? Oh, I got to go to my office and draw up my briefs.
[00:10:35] Unknown:
You gotta draw up your briefs? Yeah. Well, here's a safety pin. You can pin your briefs up right here in front of everybody. Pin up my briefs in front of everybody. I don't like it. Now look, Abbot, you got me in enough trouble. I don't want this chisel for a lawyer. I think it's a phony.
[00:10:54] Unknown:
Just one second. Just a second. And I'm giving you just two seconds to take it back.
[00:11:02] Unknown:
The time is up. What are you going to do about it? I'll give you an extension.
[00:11:07] Unknown:
You're not something with me as your lawyer, Mr. Costello. You can't possibly lose the case because we're going to plead insanity.
[00:11:15] Unknown:
Insanity? Uh-huh. But I'm not crazy. Maybe not, but I am.
[00:11:21] Unknown:
Hoo hoo, what one we are going to have in court. Why are you handle such cases as mashers, flashers and dead money cash offs, pickups, pickups and a few friends with decop, tatings, and adeddings, and two shotgun weddings, Danny, the Visa, and our gorgeous twist teaser.
[00:11:36] Unknown:
Not to mention hijackers, safe crackers, and mother-in-law smackers, robbers and fakers, and piggy bank shakers, forgers and checkers, and Griffiths, park neckers, gyps, drips and a girl with bad hips.
[00:12:04] Unknown:
Hear ye. Hear ye. Hear ye. Hear ye. The third district court is now in session. This is a trial of the state versus Lou Costello. The state will now attempt to prove that Lou Costello is guilty. And I think we can do it too.
[00:12:21] Unknown:
You know, Abbott, I don't like the looks of this place. Quiet, Costello. Here comes a judge. He's a tall, bald headed man. What is this? A court of missing his? Order in the court. Order. Order. Order. One ham and cheese on a Post it Roll. This is a courtroom, not a lunchroom. Then why are those 12 guys sitting over there at the counter? Those 12 men are the jury. 11 men and a foreman. What are the other three guys? What are the three guys? He said there was 11 men and four men besides. That's 15 men. No, no, young man. There's only 12. 11 men with a foreman makes 12. 11 and four is 12?
No. Eleven and four is 15, but the foreman is just one man. Sometimes the jury has 12 jurymen, and they're all ladies. The foreman too? Certainly. Let me smell your breath. Silence. Silence. The most stupid thing I've heard in all my years at the bar. Oh, a little less time at the bar, you wouldn't be so stupid.
[00:13:20] Unknown:
Boy, sir, we will proceed with the case.
[00:13:25] Unknown:
Luca Stello, you are charged with resisting an officer. You are charged with driving the wrong way on a one way street. You are charged with going 60 miles an hour in a 25 mile zone, endangering the lives of pedestrians and going through two red lights. What have you got to say? None of us is perfect. Young man, I'm beginning to think that you're nothing but an imbecilic nincompoop. Your honor, I resent that. You mean you deny it? To the witness being cute, she can be as cute as she likes. Tell us your story, ma'am.
[00:14:15] Unknown:
Well, my name is Jennifer Jaywalker, and I'm a sweater girl. You're a sweater girl? A big skinny girl like you? How can you be a sweater girl? I don't wear them. I need them.
[00:14:27] Unknown:
This next line, I abstain. Wait a minute. Why do you object? She's getting bigger less than I am. Young lady, please tell the court where you were when this young man's car struck you. I was on my way home from work. I was hustling a cat to bus. Where did he strike you? Between a hustle and a bus. This whole case is a farce. But since this is your first offense, mister Castillo, I'm willing to let you go with a warning and a suspended sentence. Thank you, judge I object. You can't dismiss this case without a fair trial. Yes. I demand a fair trial. Absolutely. What are you talking about, Abbott? Will you shut up? Wait a minute. This guy wants to let me go. But I object.
He hasn't heard your side of the case yet. I'm willing to forget all about it. No. You don't. We're going to fight this thing through if we have to drag you through the Supreme Court. Abbot, you're loading the Tiblies again. Quiet, Costello. We're going to present our character witness. You can't do that. You mean you have no witness? I have no character. Never mind that, Costello. I've dug up a witness for you, your own little brother. Not little Sebastian? Yes. No. Yes. Not him. Yes. He is a character. Yes.
Come here, Sebastian. Help me, Uncle Juan. Hey, Louise. Here I am. What do you want me to say? Quiet. Quiet, Sebastian. Okay. Don't yell at me. Don't yell at me. Don't yell at me. Don't yell at me. I'm fine. What time you'll be what's the matter with you? I'll get you to your jean. Quiet. You realize it's a serious trial while your brother's very life might be at stake. I'm ashamed of you, admittedly. Shame. Sebastian, why do you do these things? Oh, I'm a valiant boy. Who is this unruly brat? Hey, Uncle Buck. Who is this wise guy with the black nightshirt? Why it's Sebastian? Take the witness stand. I don't wanna take the stand. Young man, do as you're told. Sit down in front. I can't. I don't bend that way.
Order of the call. Now, young man, what is your name? I said, what is your name? Young man, what is your name? Wait till I find the plate. What is? Oh, my name, hey? Yes. You're in. Okay. Sebastian, take a hot dog. What is the tea for? I beg your pardon? What is the tea for? My mother won't let me drink beer.
[00:17:21] Unknown:
Oh, let's proceed with the case. Bailiff, kindly swear in the winter. Young man, raise your right hand. Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth or would you rather be a mule?
[00:17:38] Unknown:
I'd like to hang one on his bar. Now wait a minute. Wait a minute, wait a minute, Baylor. Let me handle the boy. Look, Sebastian. Do you know what will happen to you if you don't tell the truth? Yes, Uncle Bud. I will go to heaven. And, what happens if you do tell the truth? My brother goes to jail. No. No. No. No, Sebastian. I want you to tell the judge the wonderful man your brother Louie is. I ain't talking till I get my 50¢. Oh, yes, you will. Oh, no, I won't. Oh, yes, you will. Oh, no, I won't. Oh, yes. Oh, yes, you will. Oh, no, I won't.
Well, what's the difference? We always come out even. Costello, you must be guilty. Even your little brother refuses to testify in your defense. Ah, don't pay any attention to my little brother, judge. I hate to say this, but, he isn't all there. Are you sure? I should be. I'm playing both parts. Mister Costello, in view of the new evidence in this case and your lack of defense, it is my painful duty to sentence you to ninety days of hard labor. Court adjourned. Well, pal, see what I did for you? That's a real pal. This guy wasn't going to give you anything, but I fought for you. I got you ninety days, didn't I? You certainly did. Right. But you could have fought a little harder and got me the chair.
You want to go back? No. No. Keep your mouth shut, bud. Keep it shut. All right. Come here, Sebastian. Come here to your brother. Now look. What do you want, Louie? I'm awfully sorry that this had to happen to you. It breaks my heart to think that I will be able to see you for ninety days. That's alright, Sebastian. I can take it. Louie, it's gonna be tough on me. I'm gonna miss you. I'm gonna miss you too, Sebastian. Louie, before you go, there's one little favor I'd like to ask you. All right, Sebastian. All right, Sebastian. What is it?
While you're away. Go ahead. While you're away. Yes. Could I use your loaded tiddlies?
[00:20:18] Unknown:
We We're going to bring you Abbott and Costello in just a moment.
[00:20:25] Unknown:
Thanks to the Yanks of the Week. Tonight, we salute mines at Winston Salem, North Carolina, well of the Bronze Star for bravery and action in the initial landing on Saipan. In your honor, Lieutenant Heinz, the makers of camels are sending to our fighters overseas 400,000 camel cigarettes.
[00:20:48] Unknown:
Each of the three Camel Radio shows honors a Yank of the Week by sending free 400,000 Camel cigarettes overseas, a total of more than 1,000,000 camels sent free each week. In this country, the camel caravan traveling from camp to camp have thanked audiences of more than 4,000,000 yanks with free shows and free camels. Camel broadcast go out to The United States Three times a week, a short wave to our men overseas and to South America. Listen tomorrow to Jimmy Durante and Gary Moore, Monday to Bob Hawkin, thanks to the Yanks, and next Thursday to Abbott and Costello. And now a few final words from Budd Abbott and Lou Costello. Thanks, Ken. Well, Costello,
[00:21:29] Unknown:
now that you've got yourself out of jail, let's go home. Not now. I gotta get my uncle out of jail. What's he in for? Oh, it was a frame of that little Sebastian he pranked my uncle up. What do you mean? They accused him of stealing a tub of butter. A tub of butter? I gotta get him out right away. What's the hurry? We're all out of butter again. Oh, stop. Good night, folks. Good night, folks.
