In this episode, we dive into a comedic skit featuring the classic duo, Abbott and Costello, as they navigate the hilarious challenges of buying and building a house. The episode opens with a series of humorous exchanges about the complexities of real estate, from buying a lot to dealing with contractors. Costello's misunderstandings and Abbott's attempts to clarify lead to a series of laugh-out-loud moments, showcasing the timeless humor of the pair.
As the episode progresses, the duo encounters a fast-talking real estate salesman, a quirky contractor, and a series of misunderstandings that complicate their plans. Costello's attempts to build a house are filled with comedic errors, culminating in a mix-up that leaves him living in a packing case instead of a home. The episode wraps up with a nod to Costello's family, leaving listeners in stitches with the duo's classic comedic timing and wit.
(01:03) A Comedic Exchange on Personal Appearance
(03:00) The Dream of Home Ownership
(05:00) The Confusion of Real Estate Terms
(08:04) Exploring the New Subdivision
(13:08) The Contractor's Office and Building Plans
(17:19) Seeking a Co-signer for the New Home
(20:00) The Prefabricated House Mishap
Listen to our radio station Old Time Radio https://link.radioking.com/otradio
Listen to other Shows at My Classic Radio https://www.myclassicradio.net/
Entertainment Radio | Broadcasting Classic Radio Shows | Patreon
Remember that times have changed, and some shows might not reflect the standards of today’s politically correct society. The shows do not necessarily reflect the views, standards, or beliefs of Entertainment Radio
[00:00:00]
Unknown:
At the UPS store, we know things can get busy this upcoming holiday. You can count on us to be open and ready to help with any packing and shipping or anything else you might need. Is there anything you can't do? Actually, I don't have a good singing voice. The u p
[00:00:15] Unknown:
no. But our certified packing experts can pack and ship just about anything. At least that's good. Your local, the everything you need to be unstoppable store. The UPS store. Be unstoppable. The UPS store locations are independently owned. Product services, pricing, and hours may vary. See center for details.
[00:00:30] Unknown:
Luckyland Casino asking people what's the weirdest place you've gotten lucky. Lucky? In line at the deli, I guess? In my dentist's office. More than once, actually. Do I have to say? Yes. You do. In the car before my kids' PTA meeting. Really? Yes. Excuse me. What's the weirdest place you've gotten lucky? I never win in town. Well, there you have it. You could get lucky anywhere playing at luckylandslots.com.
[00:00:54] Unknown:
Play for free right now. Are you feeling lucky? No purchase necessary. Voice over here by law. 18 plus. Terms and conditions apply. See what type of details.
[00:01:04] Unknown:
No. Come here. Come over here. Look at you. Look at yourself. Well, I'm sick of tired of looking at me. You look at me. No. Stop that. Your appearance is disgraceful. Wait a minute. Why are you wearing that faded shirt? I've just been made a vice president of NBC. NBC. I am. Hello. I phoned you last night. Where were you? Where was I here? I was over at Errol Carroll's helping the bubble dancer blow up her bubble. Abbott. She was so grateful she gave me the best seat in the house. In the first row? No. Inside the bubble. Fine. I mean, I love it. What were you doing at Earl Carroll? What was I doing at Earl Carroll? What were you doing at Earl Carroll? For a place to invest our money. What do you mean? So I went over there to buy it. All night, the manager and I scribbled figures on the table cloth. And, you know, if you and I put all our money together, we could buy it. Earl, Carol? No. The table cloth. I had it.
Shame on you. Hang around with bubble dances at the night before. Bubble dances, nightclubs. You ought to be ashamed. Hammitt, me and that bubble dancer are engaged. I think I'll have to call it off. Why? For two reasons. Her parents object to our engagement, and so does she. I thought so. No girl would marry you and live in that broken down shack you're living in. Broken down shack? Yeah. But I'm proud of my home. It's the only house in California with Venetian blinds over the mouse holes. Are you idiots? That place you live in has grass growing through the middle of the floor. What do you expect for $15? Brussels sprout? I'll ask.
Gastello, why don't you build yourself a a little house out in the suburb? Of course, you know what the suburbs are. Sure. That's French for a long Well, you can have a lovely little place with a garden on the front lawn. You could have flowers spelling out your name. Flowers. The flowers could spell out my name. Certainly. How do you like that? The flowers are smarter than I am. I said, don't you wanna own your own home? Don't you wanna own your own home, loads? So that you can entertain and have people over for dinner? Have it. I had a mob over to my house for dinner last night. I serve pheasant, turkey, chicken, and Carmel. Wait a minute. You serve Carmel's with pheasant, turkey, and chicken? Sure. Before the guests can get their teeth unstuck, I eat all the white meat.
But it's no good, Abbot. I'm too poor to build a new house. Oh, now wait a minute. You don't have to have money to build a new house. It's easy to finance. It's easy to what? Finance. Finance, for your home. Why should I finance for my house? My house is loaded with ants right now. And furthermore, the ants find my house by themselves. I saw one ant giving directions to another ant. I know it. How to get to my journey? I understand. Listen. I'm talking about finance. Don't you know how to finance? Certainly, I know how to finance. I just look in a sugar bowl and dirty eyes. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No Listen to me, Lou. Just forget about it. You'll need money to build a house, so I'll ask my wife to get you a loan.
Get me a loan? Who wants to be alone with your wife? I'm just you don't even wanna be alone with you. No. No. I mean, my wife will get you alone in the bank. Get me alone in the bank. What does she wanna do? Walks through the vault? Listen. Listen, dear dummy. My wife will take you to the bank. She'll fill out the papers and take a lien against your new house. Your wife is gonna lean against my new house, sir. That that ton of stuff is gonna lean against my house, sir. Your wife ain't leaning against my house, sir. Easy now. She's tired. Tell her to go home and go to bed. No. Not yet. My wife is in the mortgage business. Her mortgage is a lien or chattel. Now down at the bank, down at the bank where my wife, she has an old box full of chattel. How about your wife as an old chattel? Don't listen to me.
You listen to me. I'm talking about channels. Haven't you ever heard of, chattel? Channel? Sure. My uncle's got a herd of chattel. She's got a herd of chattel, chows, and chairs. He's also got chickens. He keeps his cattle in a cow pasture and the chickens in a kitchen tube. No. No. That's what he did. I'm not talking about cattle. You understand that? I'm talking about for the land. I said cattle. Channel is a loan. And to get a to get a new house, you you'll have to get a loan, and then you'll have to go through escrow. Why can't I go through Glendale? Hey. Hey. Hey. Astro has nothing to do with Glendale. Then Glendale will have nothing to do with escrow. Stop getting this window. When you get a new house, you go through escrow to get a guaranteed title deed. Would you drag that last part past me again? Guaranteed title deed.
Guaranteed title deed. Guaranteed title deed. Guaranteed title deed. Guaranteed title deed. Guaranteed title deed. Guaranteed title deed. Don't have it. It's no good. What's the matter? It'll never take the place of glakamora. Well, please tell him, have you decided what kind of a house you're going to build? Have it. I'm thinking it over. I think I'm gonna build a iglo. Iglo? Yep. Where could you get snow in California? I'll tell you if you'll tell me where I can get lumber in California. You talk sense. How are you gonna furnish the house? Well, I think I'm gonna put a pinball machine in the living room, a card table, slot machine, pool table in the other room. Oh, you idiot. What about chairs, stoves, and beds? Habit. All I can afford is the necessities. The luxuries will have to come later.
Well, Casilla, now that my wife has okayed you with the bang for a loan, the first thing to do is go out and buy a lot. Buy a lot? Yeah. Buy a lot of what? A lot of nothing. Just a lot. If I'm gonna buy a lot, it's gotta be a lot of something. I ain't spending my money for nothing. Listen. You don't you don't get nothing. You get a lot. You take your money and buy a lot. Buy a lot of what? Look, you idiot. When I say you buy a lot, I'm talking about a lot you buy when you buy a lot. Oh, when you say you buy a lot, you're talking about a lot you buy when you buy a lot. Now you've got it. Now I've got it. I don't even know what I'm talking about. No. No. No. No. You can get a lot for a lot or you can get a lot for a little. Make up your mind. Do I get a lot or a little? I will. I think you wanna start off with a little lot. Then later on, you can get a lot more a lot for quite a lot more. Or you can get another little lot for quite a lot less. Oh, you think I ought to start with a little lot and later on, I could get a lot more a lot for quite a lot more and a little lot for quite a lot less. Now you've got the picture. Now I've got the picture. Excuse me for just one moment. Where are you going? I'm going in a dark room and try and develop it now. Is that not fantastic? Oh, there's a new subdivision out in the Valley.
And we can take, take a look at the lots and lots of lots. Come on. Let's go. Okay. Lots go. Well, Costello, here's a new subdivision. And and here comes the real real estate salesman. Good afternoon, gentlemen. I'm a very busy man. Busy, busy, busy. Just sign your name on the dotted line. The place is yours. What place? We will. Honeymoon must be over. The customers are asking questions again. Look, young. I am a busy man. I only spend thirty seconds on my sixty second workout. I get 05:00 shadow at 03:30. On my third birthday, I was six years old. My favorite song's a rainy night in Cokamonga. That's a rainy night in Rio. I know, but I haven't got time to take the trip.
I'm a very busy man. Now there's a beautiful lot on the hillside. It's kinda slopey, but I'll let you have it for $3,000. Well, now wait a minute. Don't you think that's a pretty steep price? Yes. But it's a pretty steep lot. It is, I'm a very busy man. Now some of these lots are a lot more than other lots. I give you a little lot for a lot or a big lot for a little. A little lot for a lot for a big lot for a little? Take up your mind. I'm a busy man. Do you wanna start with a little lot and get a lot more lot for a lot less later? Come on. I'm a busy man. This guy ain't too busy to steal our routine. Alright. Look, guys, darling. Hey, look. This lot has a pretty good view. Yes. From here, I can watch for the day, the May 7.
Yes. It has a wonderful view of all the movie studios. On your right is Paramount, hidden by the Santa Monica Mountains. On your left is Republic, hidden by the San Fernando Mountains. And straight ahead is Warner Brothers, hidden by Sydney Green Street. Mister, my friend Costello needs a small lot in which to build a house. Now how much will it cost? Well, being it's Costello, I'll let him have it for a song. Oh, you'll let him have it for a song? Yeah. You got a deal. My wife No. I'm not quiet. Quiet. He does he does he does mean that kind of song. He does that kind of people. When you keep quiet, $2,900.
20 9 hundred dollars for this crummy piece of ground? This guy must think I'm a veteran. Hey. Look. I'll have my wife. Just let me take over from here. Keep quiet. Look here, you tin horn, Swindlett. Don't try to rob my pal, Costello. Twenty nine hundred dollars for this gopher's playground. And, mister Abbott, there's 10% in it for you if I can unload this on Costello. Well, why didn't you say so? 10%. Costello, this slot isn't worth 2,900. No. It's worth 3,900. You see, mister? My pal of this. Wait a minute. Just a minute. A minute ago, Abbot, you said this was a gopher's playground. Them gophers must be wearing mean coats. How much ground do I get for the $3,900?
Now come. I'll show you. We'll walk all around your lot. Yes. Well, there you are. How do you like it, Costello? Fine. But when we walk back, can we take a shortcut? Alright. Give me your check. I'll give you the deed. There. That's fine. And I wanna thank you. Goodbye. Hey. Just a minute. How how do we get into town from here? Well, your property is just a stone's throw from the railroad station. Where's the railroad station? As soon as you throw enough stones, we're gonna build one. Hey. Come on, Costello. We're going into town to see a contractor so that you can start building right away. Costello, there's the contractor's office across the street. Hiya, Carlos. Hi. Hiya, skinny. Hey. Costello just bought a lot near the river, and he's going to build a house on it. Well, I had a lot once on a river overlooking the bank. How did you lose it? For overlooking the bank.
Hello. Hello. Hello, skinny. We get rid of him fast, so we Well, come on, Costello. We've got to get over to the contractor's office. Well, if it isn't mister
[00:11:43] Unknown:
and mister Costello, boss little mom. Oh, hello. What are you doing out here? Oh, I'm on my way to the corn proctor. He's drawing some pawns for my new boongaloo. Boongaloo?
[00:11:59] Unknown:
Oh, Abbot, you know what a boongaloo is? That's a kudage with a poodio and a barbecue.
[00:12:06] Unknown:
Don't you just love little boongaloo?
[00:12:08] Unknown:
Oh, I'd rather have a large muncheon with a punt house and a two car grooge.
[00:12:16] Unknown:
Well, housing is very broad in Holywood. My aunt is living in a trailer comp in Santa Monica. That's nothing.
[00:12:23] Unknown:
My cousin pooch the toot at Malibu Booch, and he's got a hullaboot for the room mooch.
[00:12:34] Unknown:
Well, I must be dashing all. As we say in French, to
[00:12:41] Unknown:
you. In a bucket of chemtone and a kisser. What do you do? Well, I do hope you build a house like my old home in Virginia. Oh, I miss that graceful patio, those smooth white pillars, that broad veranda. I know just what you mean. I used to feel the same way about a blonde and Paris neutral.
[00:13:08] Unknown:
If you're looking for the rich, cool flavor of superbly blended tobaccos, if you want cool mildness too, try a Camel on your T zone. That's T for taste and T for throat. See if Camel's rich flavor of choice tobaccos and Camel's cool mildness don't suit your T zone to a T. Then you'll understand why so many doctors smoke Camels. Three leading independent research organizations recently asked this question of 113,597 doctors.
[00:13:36] Unknown:
What cigarette do you smoke, doctor? The brand name most was Camel. According to a recent nationwide survey, more doctors smoke Camos than any other cigarette. Hey, look, Costello. This is the contractor's office. Oh, how do you do, gentlemen? As Louis the fourteenth said Louis the fifteenth, you're next. Oh, pardon me a second while I answer the phone. Hello? Yes. This is Brown, the contractor. You just built a house in Brooklyn, and you want to move it to California. I'll have to check our rates and call you back, mister DeRozier. Mister Blau, my friend Costello would like to talk over some plans with you. Oh, everybody's got plans. They bother me all day. One fella came in, wanted a three room house. I threw him bodily out the window. Another fella came in, wanted a two room house. I take him down the elevator track.
Now what can I do for you? Give me a package of Bemancapton chewing gum thing. Stop that, Cassello. Tell the man what you want. Well well, if this is too much trouble, I'd like to have you build me a house. Build you a house? Yes, sir. You've got a lot of nerve to stand there and ask me to build you a house when this city is suffering from a shortage of bowling alleys? Mister Brown, I wish you could see your way clear to build Costello home. Living conditions are pretty crowded in Hollywood. Crowded? Yes. It's so crowded in Hollywood that John's other wife is living with one man's family. Well, as one bullfrog said to the other bullfrog, let's hop to it.
There's no lumber, but I have a glass blower who blows three room bungalow. Oh, that wouldn't be bad. Where is the glass blower? Oh, I had to fire him. He was blowing some bungalows, and they got the hiccups. Before I could stop him, he made 300 quonset hearts. Are you building any houses for GI? G oh, yes. GI's are in here every day. They run around saying, GI wish I had a bungalow. GI wish I had a house. GI wish I had some place to live. Mister, what would it cost to build a house for Costello? Well, let me see now. Lumber, $6,000. Cement, $3,000.
Nails, $2,000. And, $15,000 for the master plumber. Do I really need that master plumber? Well, certainly. Who else but a master plumber could put the cold water knob on the hot water faucet? Well, that'll make $26,000 here. Just sign the contract. I'll get you a pen. Thanks. Thanks. I have my own pen. It's the latest thing. It's an Italian pen. Italian pen? Yes. It has a meatball point and writes under spaghetti. Well, now that I have your signature, have you got a cosigner that will guarantee the payment? Cosigner? I haven't got any cosigner. No cosigner? Mhmm. Without a cosigner, I wouldn't build a house for the king of sire.
Mister Costello, I've gotta get a house. Please be my cosigner. You've got to be my cosigner. I can't do it. And quit following me around in that white elephant. Who is that? Who is that? The king of Siam. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No We've gotta get a cosign. Oh, hello, mister Abbott. Hello, Louis, honey. Hello, Marilyn. Hello, Marilyn. Costello's thing ain't really a new home. Yes, Marilyn. After the house is built, maybe we could get married and keep house together. Well, would you be a thoughtful husband? Would you wipe the dishes with me? Marilyn, I wouldn't wipe the dishes with you. I'd buy a dish rag.
Marilyn, if I marry you, will you let me be the boss and run things? Oh, I'd let you run everything.
[00:17:06] Unknown:
The washing machine, the vacuum, and all the errands. Goodbye.
[00:17:10] Unknown:
Gee, Abbot. She's a lovely girl. She's the kind of girl I'd like to take home to my mother. If I could only trust my father. Come on. Come on. We're going in here to missus Whitwas's house and see if she will be our cosigner for your new house.
[00:17:28] Unknown:
Oh, why hello, mister Rabbit. My goodness. I wonder who left that empty beer barrel on my front porch. Oh, pardon me. It's Costello.
[00:17:38] Unknown:
I wish you hadn't said that, missus Witwaters. I was just telling Abbott how you have that 1947
[00:17:43] Unknown:
look. Oh, thank you. Oh, do you really think I have that 1947
[00:17:48] Unknown:
look? Yes. You act like 19 and you're really 47.
[00:17:55] Unknown:
Why, how dare you, you pudgy pinheaded pipsqueak. Why why just look at this picture of me in my bathing suit. It was taken just after I came out of the water. How many days have you been in the water?
[00:18:09] Unknown:
Quiet, Costello. Missus Whitwas, Castello wants to build a new house, and he hasn't enough money. Would you be a cosigner? Why should I cosigner? If he wants somebody to cosigner, why doesn't he cosigner himself? Missus Witwash, when Abbott says cosigner, he doesn't mean cosigner like you go to sign a thing when you go to sign it. He means cosigner.
[00:18:29] Unknown:
Like, when you've got a lot of money, you're a cosigner. Oh, you mean cosigner? Like, when you have a lot of money, you're a cosigner. Now you've got it. Now I've got it. I don't even what I'm talking about. Oh,
[00:18:40] Unknown:
no. Never mind, Castello. I've got an idea. There's some old lumber in my backyard, and you can build a little shack to live in until you till your house is built. Come on. Costello. Costello. Why are you hammering on those boards so hard? No nails. I Costello. You're filling this shack all wrong. Can you lift me, please? It's all wrong. Look. You see that board on the roof? Yes. The the the one that's sticking out? Yes. Well, get the saw and see if you can saw the board you see. Okay. How what did you say? Well, I said was look for the saw and see if you can saw that board. See? See if I can saw the board? Yes. Can't you, saw the board? Certainly, I can saw the board. Well, then go up on the roof and saw it. Why should I go up on a roof with saw when I can saw it from down here? You can't saw it from down here. Wait a minute, Abbot. Can you see the board from down here? Certainly. Well, I can see it from down here too. I know you could see it. I wanted it up on the roof and saw it. Look at it. I saw the board when I put it up there. I saw it before you did, and I don't wanna see it again. I didn't ask you if you I didn't ask you to see it. I asked you to saw it. Do you want me to see it or saw it? Well, now you look.
You've gotta see it, the saw it. Get me off this seesaw. I'm getting seasick. I don't have that. Never mind all this. I'm gonna go out and buy me a prefabricated house. Tell you now. That's a good idea. You come on over tomorrow afternoon, and we'll have a housewarming. Oh, okay, Cassell. I'll see you tomorrow. Not if I saw you
[00:20:14] Unknown:
first.
[00:20:19] Unknown:
Uh-huh. Castello? Hello, Castello. You can't Castello. Yes. Yes. Yes. Look at it. What? Oh, here I am, Abbot. Come on in and take a look at my new prefabricated house. I just finished putting it up. Look, Abbot. I've even got a beautiful fire going in a fireplace. Mhmm. Pretty, isn't it? Hey. This is a funny looking house. Only one room, bare walls. The where did you get all that wood you were burning in the fireplace? The company was very, very nice to me. They sent it along with the house. Wait a minute. Well, let let me see those plans. Yes? Mhmm. I thought so. What? You idiot. You burned the house, and you're living in the packing case.
Oh, I'm a bad carpenter.
[00:21:16] Unknown:
During the war, the makers of Camel cigarettes sent a total of more than 150,000,000 free camels to our fighting men overseas. Now free camels are sent to servicemen's hospitals instead. This week, the camels go to Veterans Hospital Coatesville, Pennsylvania, US Army McCormack General Hospital Pasadena, California, US Naval Hospital Pensacola, Florida, US Marine Hospital Kirkwood, Missouri, and Veterans Hospital Newington, Connecticut. Camel broadcast go out to The United States Three times a week. I rebroadcast
[00:21:42] Unknown:
to practically every area in the world where our men are still stationed and to our good neighbors in Central And South America. And now back to Bud Abbott and Lou Costello. Well, Costello, you've done it again. Now you have no house. Where are you going to live? Well, I could go and live with my uncle Artie Stebbins, but I don't want to. Where does your uncle Artie live? In a big 500 room house overlooking a Bay. Why? I'd call that a castle. Everybody else calls it Alcatraz. Good night, Paul. Night, everybody.
[00:22:17] Unknown:
Hello. It is Ryan, and I was on a flight the other day playing one of my favorite social spin slot games on chumbacasino.com. I looked over the person sitting next to me, and you know what they were doing? They're also playing Chumba Casino. Coincidence? I think not. Everybody's loving having fun with it. Chumba Casino is home to hundreds of casino style games that you can play for free anytime, anywhere, even at 30,000 feet. So sign up now at chumbacasino.com to claim your free welcome bonus at ChumbaCasino.com and live the Chumba life. No purchase necessary. VW, avoid prohibited by law. See terms and conditions, 18 plus. When Cynthia came to TurboTax, she just launched her new side gig, a true crime podcast.
[00:22:53] Unknown:
I'm a first rate detective with a golden voice.
[00:22:57] Unknown:
As her TurboTax expert, I made her second income count by guaranteeing 100% accurate filing and her maximum refund.
[00:23:06] Unknown:
What did she do with that refund?
[00:23:08] Unknown:
Find out next week. Switch to Intuit TurboTax and make your moves count. See guarantee details at turbotax.com/guarantees. Experts only available with TurboTax Live.
At the UPS store, we know things can get busy this upcoming holiday. You can count on us to be open and ready to help with any packing and shipping or anything else you might need. Is there anything you can't do? Actually, I don't have a good singing voice. The u p
[00:00:15] Unknown:
no. But our certified packing experts can pack and ship just about anything. At least that's good. Your local, the everything you need to be unstoppable store. The UPS store. Be unstoppable. The UPS store locations are independently owned. Product services, pricing, and hours may vary. See center for details.
[00:00:30] Unknown:
Luckyland Casino asking people what's the weirdest place you've gotten lucky. Lucky? In line at the deli, I guess? In my dentist's office. More than once, actually. Do I have to say? Yes. You do. In the car before my kids' PTA meeting. Really? Yes. Excuse me. What's the weirdest place you've gotten lucky? I never win in town. Well, there you have it. You could get lucky anywhere playing at luckylandslots.com.
[00:00:54] Unknown:
Play for free right now. Are you feeling lucky? No purchase necessary. Voice over here by law. 18 plus. Terms and conditions apply. See what type of details.
[00:01:04] Unknown:
No. Come here. Come over here. Look at you. Look at yourself. Well, I'm sick of tired of looking at me. You look at me. No. Stop that. Your appearance is disgraceful. Wait a minute. Why are you wearing that faded shirt? I've just been made a vice president of NBC. NBC. I am. Hello. I phoned you last night. Where were you? Where was I here? I was over at Errol Carroll's helping the bubble dancer blow up her bubble. Abbott. She was so grateful she gave me the best seat in the house. In the first row? No. Inside the bubble. Fine. I mean, I love it. What were you doing at Earl Carroll? What was I doing at Earl Carroll? What were you doing at Earl Carroll? For a place to invest our money. What do you mean? So I went over there to buy it. All night, the manager and I scribbled figures on the table cloth. And, you know, if you and I put all our money together, we could buy it. Earl, Carol? No. The table cloth. I had it.
Shame on you. Hang around with bubble dances at the night before. Bubble dances, nightclubs. You ought to be ashamed. Hammitt, me and that bubble dancer are engaged. I think I'll have to call it off. Why? For two reasons. Her parents object to our engagement, and so does she. I thought so. No girl would marry you and live in that broken down shack you're living in. Broken down shack? Yeah. But I'm proud of my home. It's the only house in California with Venetian blinds over the mouse holes. Are you idiots? That place you live in has grass growing through the middle of the floor. What do you expect for $15? Brussels sprout? I'll ask.
Gastello, why don't you build yourself a a little house out in the suburb? Of course, you know what the suburbs are. Sure. That's French for a long Well, you can have a lovely little place with a garden on the front lawn. You could have flowers spelling out your name. Flowers. The flowers could spell out my name. Certainly. How do you like that? The flowers are smarter than I am. I said, don't you wanna own your own home? Don't you wanna own your own home, loads? So that you can entertain and have people over for dinner? Have it. I had a mob over to my house for dinner last night. I serve pheasant, turkey, chicken, and Carmel. Wait a minute. You serve Carmel's with pheasant, turkey, and chicken? Sure. Before the guests can get their teeth unstuck, I eat all the white meat.
But it's no good, Abbot. I'm too poor to build a new house. Oh, now wait a minute. You don't have to have money to build a new house. It's easy to finance. It's easy to what? Finance. Finance, for your home. Why should I finance for my house? My house is loaded with ants right now. And furthermore, the ants find my house by themselves. I saw one ant giving directions to another ant. I know it. How to get to my journey? I understand. Listen. I'm talking about finance. Don't you know how to finance? Certainly, I know how to finance. I just look in a sugar bowl and dirty eyes. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No Listen to me, Lou. Just forget about it. You'll need money to build a house, so I'll ask my wife to get you a loan.
Get me a loan? Who wants to be alone with your wife? I'm just you don't even wanna be alone with you. No. No. I mean, my wife will get you alone in the bank. Get me alone in the bank. What does she wanna do? Walks through the vault? Listen. Listen, dear dummy. My wife will take you to the bank. She'll fill out the papers and take a lien against your new house. Your wife is gonna lean against my new house, sir. That that ton of stuff is gonna lean against my house, sir. Your wife ain't leaning against my house, sir. Easy now. She's tired. Tell her to go home and go to bed. No. Not yet. My wife is in the mortgage business. Her mortgage is a lien or chattel. Now down at the bank, down at the bank where my wife, she has an old box full of chattel. How about your wife as an old chattel? Don't listen to me.
You listen to me. I'm talking about channels. Haven't you ever heard of, chattel? Channel? Sure. My uncle's got a herd of chattel. She's got a herd of chattel, chows, and chairs. He's also got chickens. He keeps his cattle in a cow pasture and the chickens in a kitchen tube. No. No. That's what he did. I'm not talking about cattle. You understand that? I'm talking about for the land. I said cattle. Channel is a loan. And to get a to get a new house, you you'll have to get a loan, and then you'll have to go through escrow. Why can't I go through Glendale? Hey. Hey. Hey. Astro has nothing to do with Glendale. Then Glendale will have nothing to do with escrow. Stop getting this window. When you get a new house, you go through escrow to get a guaranteed title deed. Would you drag that last part past me again? Guaranteed title deed.
Guaranteed title deed. Guaranteed title deed. Guaranteed title deed. Guaranteed title deed. Guaranteed title deed. Guaranteed title deed. Don't have it. It's no good. What's the matter? It'll never take the place of glakamora. Well, please tell him, have you decided what kind of a house you're going to build? Have it. I'm thinking it over. I think I'm gonna build a iglo. Iglo? Yep. Where could you get snow in California? I'll tell you if you'll tell me where I can get lumber in California. You talk sense. How are you gonna furnish the house? Well, I think I'm gonna put a pinball machine in the living room, a card table, slot machine, pool table in the other room. Oh, you idiot. What about chairs, stoves, and beds? Habit. All I can afford is the necessities. The luxuries will have to come later.
Well, Casilla, now that my wife has okayed you with the bang for a loan, the first thing to do is go out and buy a lot. Buy a lot? Yeah. Buy a lot of what? A lot of nothing. Just a lot. If I'm gonna buy a lot, it's gotta be a lot of something. I ain't spending my money for nothing. Listen. You don't you don't get nothing. You get a lot. You take your money and buy a lot. Buy a lot of what? Look, you idiot. When I say you buy a lot, I'm talking about a lot you buy when you buy a lot. Oh, when you say you buy a lot, you're talking about a lot you buy when you buy a lot. Now you've got it. Now I've got it. I don't even know what I'm talking about. No. No. No. No. You can get a lot for a lot or you can get a lot for a little. Make up your mind. Do I get a lot or a little? I will. I think you wanna start off with a little lot. Then later on, you can get a lot more a lot for quite a lot more. Or you can get another little lot for quite a lot less. Oh, you think I ought to start with a little lot and later on, I could get a lot more a lot for quite a lot more and a little lot for quite a lot less. Now you've got the picture. Now I've got the picture. Excuse me for just one moment. Where are you going? I'm going in a dark room and try and develop it now. Is that not fantastic? Oh, there's a new subdivision out in the Valley.
And we can take, take a look at the lots and lots of lots. Come on. Let's go. Okay. Lots go. Well, Costello, here's a new subdivision. And and here comes the real real estate salesman. Good afternoon, gentlemen. I'm a very busy man. Busy, busy, busy. Just sign your name on the dotted line. The place is yours. What place? We will. Honeymoon must be over. The customers are asking questions again. Look, young. I am a busy man. I only spend thirty seconds on my sixty second workout. I get 05:00 shadow at 03:30. On my third birthday, I was six years old. My favorite song's a rainy night in Cokamonga. That's a rainy night in Rio. I know, but I haven't got time to take the trip.
I'm a very busy man. Now there's a beautiful lot on the hillside. It's kinda slopey, but I'll let you have it for $3,000. Well, now wait a minute. Don't you think that's a pretty steep price? Yes. But it's a pretty steep lot. It is, I'm a very busy man. Now some of these lots are a lot more than other lots. I give you a little lot for a lot or a big lot for a little. A little lot for a lot for a big lot for a little? Take up your mind. I'm a busy man. Do you wanna start with a little lot and get a lot more lot for a lot less later? Come on. I'm a busy man. This guy ain't too busy to steal our routine. Alright. Look, guys, darling. Hey, look. This lot has a pretty good view. Yes. From here, I can watch for the day, the May 7.
Yes. It has a wonderful view of all the movie studios. On your right is Paramount, hidden by the Santa Monica Mountains. On your left is Republic, hidden by the San Fernando Mountains. And straight ahead is Warner Brothers, hidden by Sydney Green Street. Mister, my friend Costello needs a small lot in which to build a house. Now how much will it cost? Well, being it's Costello, I'll let him have it for a song. Oh, you'll let him have it for a song? Yeah. You got a deal. My wife No. I'm not quiet. Quiet. He does he does he does mean that kind of song. He does that kind of people. When you keep quiet, $2,900.
20 9 hundred dollars for this crummy piece of ground? This guy must think I'm a veteran. Hey. Look. I'll have my wife. Just let me take over from here. Keep quiet. Look here, you tin horn, Swindlett. Don't try to rob my pal, Costello. Twenty nine hundred dollars for this gopher's playground. And, mister Abbott, there's 10% in it for you if I can unload this on Costello. Well, why didn't you say so? 10%. Costello, this slot isn't worth 2,900. No. It's worth 3,900. You see, mister? My pal of this. Wait a minute. Just a minute. A minute ago, Abbot, you said this was a gopher's playground. Them gophers must be wearing mean coats. How much ground do I get for the $3,900?
Now come. I'll show you. We'll walk all around your lot. Yes. Well, there you are. How do you like it, Costello? Fine. But when we walk back, can we take a shortcut? Alright. Give me your check. I'll give you the deed. There. That's fine. And I wanna thank you. Goodbye. Hey. Just a minute. How how do we get into town from here? Well, your property is just a stone's throw from the railroad station. Where's the railroad station? As soon as you throw enough stones, we're gonna build one. Hey. Come on, Costello. We're going into town to see a contractor so that you can start building right away. Costello, there's the contractor's office across the street. Hiya, Carlos. Hi. Hiya, skinny. Hey. Costello just bought a lot near the river, and he's going to build a house on it. Well, I had a lot once on a river overlooking the bank. How did you lose it? For overlooking the bank.
Hello. Hello. Hello, skinny. We get rid of him fast, so we Well, come on, Costello. We've got to get over to the contractor's office. Well, if it isn't mister
[00:11:43] Unknown:
and mister Costello, boss little mom. Oh, hello. What are you doing out here? Oh, I'm on my way to the corn proctor. He's drawing some pawns for my new boongaloo. Boongaloo?
[00:11:59] Unknown:
Oh, Abbot, you know what a boongaloo is? That's a kudage with a poodio and a barbecue.
[00:12:06] Unknown:
Don't you just love little boongaloo?
[00:12:08] Unknown:
Oh, I'd rather have a large muncheon with a punt house and a two car grooge.
[00:12:16] Unknown:
Well, housing is very broad in Holywood. My aunt is living in a trailer comp in Santa Monica. That's nothing.
[00:12:23] Unknown:
My cousin pooch the toot at Malibu Booch, and he's got a hullaboot for the room mooch.
[00:12:34] Unknown:
Well, I must be dashing all. As we say in French, to
[00:12:41] Unknown:
you. In a bucket of chemtone and a kisser. What do you do? Well, I do hope you build a house like my old home in Virginia. Oh, I miss that graceful patio, those smooth white pillars, that broad veranda. I know just what you mean. I used to feel the same way about a blonde and Paris neutral.
[00:13:08] Unknown:
If you're looking for the rich, cool flavor of superbly blended tobaccos, if you want cool mildness too, try a Camel on your T zone. That's T for taste and T for throat. See if Camel's rich flavor of choice tobaccos and Camel's cool mildness don't suit your T zone to a T. Then you'll understand why so many doctors smoke Camels. Three leading independent research organizations recently asked this question of 113,597 doctors.
[00:13:36] Unknown:
What cigarette do you smoke, doctor? The brand name most was Camel. According to a recent nationwide survey, more doctors smoke Camos than any other cigarette. Hey, look, Costello. This is the contractor's office. Oh, how do you do, gentlemen? As Louis the fourteenth said Louis the fifteenth, you're next. Oh, pardon me a second while I answer the phone. Hello? Yes. This is Brown, the contractor. You just built a house in Brooklyn, and you want to move it to California. I'll have to check our rates and call you back, mister DeRozier. Mister Blau, my friend Costello would like to talk over some plans with you. Oh, everybody's got plans. They bother me all day. One fella came in, wanted a three room house. I threw him bodily out the window. Another fella came in, wanted a two room house. I take him down the elevator track.
Now what can I do for you? Give me a package of Bemancapton chewing gum thing. Stop that, Cassello. Tell the man what you want. Well well, if this is too much trouble, I'd like to have you build me a house. Build you a house? Yes, sir. You've got a lot of nerve to stand there and ask me to build you a house when this city is suffering from a shortage of bowling alleys? Mister Brown, I wish you could see your way clear to build Costello home. Living conditions are pretty crowded in Hollywood. Crowded? Yes. It's so crowded in Hollywood that John's other wife is living with one man's family. Well, as one bullfrog said to the other bullfrog, let's hop to it.
There's no lumber, but I have a glass blower who blows three room bungalow. Oh, that wouldn't be bad. Where is the glass blower? Oh, I had to fire him. He was blowing some bungalows, and they got the hiccups. Before I could stop him, he made 300 quonset hearts. Are you building any houses for GI? G oh, yes. GI's are in here every day. They run around saying, GI wish I had a bungalow. GI wish I had a house. GI wish I had some place to live. Mister, what would it cost to build a house for Costello? Well, let me see now. Lumber, $6,000. Cement, $3,000.
Nails, $2,000. And, $15,000 for the master plumber. Do I really need that master plumber? Well, certainly. Who else but a master plumber could put the cold water knob on the hot water faucet? Well, that'll make $26,000 here. Just sign the contract. I'll get you a pen. Thanks. Thanks. I have my own pen. It's the latest thing. It's an Italian pen. Italian pen? Yes. It has a meatball point and writes under spaghetti. Well, now that I have your signature, have you got a cosigner that will guarantee the payment? Cosigner? I haven't got any cosigner. No cosigner? Mhmm. Without a cosigner, I wouldn't build a house for the king of sire.
Mister Costello, I've gotta get a house. Please be my cosigner. You've got to be my cosigner. I can't do it. And quit following me around in that white elephant. Who is that? Who is that? The king of Siam. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No We've gotta get a cosign. Oh, hello, mister Abbott. Hello, Louis, honey. Hello, Marilyn. Hello, Marilyn. Costello's thing ain't really a new home. Yes, Marilyn. After the house is built, maybe we could get married and keep house together. Well, would you be a thoughtful husband? Would you wipe the dishes with me? Marilyn, I wouldn't wipe the dishes with you. I'd buy a dish rag.
Marilyn, if I marry you, will you let me be the boss and run things? Oh, I'd let you run everything.
[00:17:06] Unknown:
The washing machine, the vacuum, and all the errands. Goodbye.
[00:17:10] Unknown:
Gee, Abbot. She's a lovely girl. She's the kind of girl I'd like to take home to my mother. If I could only trust my father. Come on. Come on. We're going in here to missus Whitwas's house and see if she will be our cosigner for your new house.
[00:17:28] Unknown:
Oh, why hello, mister Rabbit. My goodness. I wonder who left that empty beer barrel on my front porch. Oh, pardon me. It's Costello.
[00:17:38] Unknown:
I wish you hadn't said that, missus Witwaters. I was just telling Abbott how you have that 1947
[00:17:43] Unknown:
look. Oh, thank you. Oh, do you really think I have that 1947
[00:17:48] Unknown:
look? Yes. You act like 19 and you're really 47.
[00:17:55] Unknown:
Why, how dare you, you pudgy pinheaded pipsqueak. Why why just look at this picture of me in my bathing suit. It was taken just after I came out of the water. How many days have you been in the water?
[00:18:09] Unknown:
Quiet, Costello. Missus Whitwas, Castello wants to build a new house, and he hasn't enough money. Would you be a cosigner? Why should I cosigner? If he wants somebody to cosigner, why doesn't he cosigner himself? Missus Witwash, when Abbott says cosigner, he doesn't mean cosigner like you go to sign a thing when you go to sign it. He means cosigner.
[00:18:29] Unknown:
Like, when you've got a lot of money, you're a cosigner. Oh, you mean cosigner? Like, when you have a lot of money, you're a cosigner. Now you've got it. Now I've got it. I don't even what I'm talking about. Oh,
[00:18:40] Unknown:
no. Never mind, Castello. I've got an idea. There's some old lumber in my backyard, and you can build a little shack to live in until you till your house is built. Come on. Costello. Costello. Why are you hammering on those boards so hard? No nails. I Costello. You're filling this shack all wrong. Can you lift me, please? It's all wrong. Look. You see that board on the roof? Yes. The the the one that's sticking out? Yes. Well, get the saw and see if you can saw the board you see. Okay. How what did you say? Well, I said was look for the saw and see if you can saw that board. See? See if I can saw the board? Yes. Can't you, saw the board? Certainly, I can saw the board. Well, then go up on the roof and saw it. Why should I go up on a roof with saw when I can saw it from down here? You can't saw it from down here. Wait a minute, Abbot. Can you see the board from down here? Certainly. Well, I can see it from down here too. I know you could see it. I wanted it up on the roof and saw it. Look at it. I saw the board when I put it up there. I saw it before you did, and I don't wanna see it again. I didn't ask you if you I didn't ask you to see it. I asked you to saw it. Do you want me to see it or saw it? Well, now you look.
You've gotta see it, the saw it. Get me off this seesaw. I'm getting seasick. I don't have that. Never mind all this. I'm gonna go out and buy me a prefabricated house. Tell you now. That's a good idea. You come on over tomorrow afternoon, and we'll have a housewarming. Oh, okay, Cassell. I'll see you tomorrow. Not if I saw you
[00:20:14] Unknown:
first.
[00:20:19] Unknown:
Uh-huh. Castello? Hello, Castello. You can't Castello. Yes. Yes. Yes. Look at it. What? Oh, here I am, Abbot. Come on in and take a look at my new prefabricated house. I just finished putting it up. Look, Abbot. I've even got a beautiful fire going in a fireplace. Mhmm. Pretty, isn't it? Hey. This is a funny looking house. Only one room, bare walls. The where did you get all that wood you were burning in the fireplace? The company was very, very nice to me. They sent it along with the house. Wait a minute. Well, let let me see those plans. Yes? Mhmm. I thought so. What? You idiot. You burned the house, and you're living in the packing case.
Oh, I'm a bad carpenter.
[00:21:16] Unknown:
During the war, the makers of Camel cigarettes sent a total of more than 150,000,000 free camels to our fighting men overseas. Now free camels are sent to servicemen's hospitals instead. This week, the camels go to Veterans Hospital Coatesville, Pennsylvania, US Army McCormack General Hospital Pasadena, California, US Naval Hospital Pensacola, Florida, US Marine Hospital Kirkwood, Missouri, and Veterans Hospital Newington, Connecticut. Camel broadcast go out to The United States Three times a week. I rebroadcast
[00:21:42] Unknown:
to practically every area in the world where our men are still stationed and to our good neighbors in Central And South America. And now back to Bud Abbott and Lou Costello. Well, Costello, you've done it again. Now you have no house. Where are you going to live? Well, I could go and live with my uncle Artie Stebbins, but I don't want to. Where does your uncle Artie live? In a big 500 room house overlooking a Bay. Why? I'd call that a castle. Everybody else calls it Alcatraz. Good night, Paul. Night, everybody.
[00:22:17] Unknown:
Hello. It is Ryan, and I was on a flight the other day playing one of my favorite social spin slot games on chumbacasino.com. I looked over the person sitting next to me, and you know what they were doing? They're also playing Chumba Casino. Coincidence? I think not. Everybody's loving having fun with it. Chumba Casino is home to hundreds of casino style games that you can play for free anytime, anywhere, even at 30,000 feet. So sign up now at chumbacasino.com to claim your free welcome bonus at ChumbaCasino.com and live the Chumba life. No purchase necessary. VW, avoid prohibited by law. See terms and conditions, 18 plus. When Cynthia came to TurboTax, she just launched her new side gig, a true crime podcast.
[00:22:53] Unknown:
I'm a first rate detective with a golden voice.
[00:22:57] Unknown:
As her TurboTax expert, I made her second income count by guaranteeing 100% accurate filing and her maximum refund.
[00:23:06] Unknown:
What did she do with that refund?
[00:23:08] Unknown:
Find out next week. Switch to Intuit TurboTax and make your moves count. See guarantee details at turbotax.com/guarantees. Experts only available with TurboTax Live.
A Comedic Exchange on Personal Appearance
The Dream of Home Ownership
The Confusion of Real Estate Terms
Exploring the New Subdivision
The Contractor's Office and Building Plans
Seeking a Co-signer for the New Home
The Prefabricated House Mishap
