In this lively episode, Ryan shares his amusing experience of playing Chumba Casino games on a flight, only to find his seatmate doing the same. This sparks a conversation about the joys of Chumba Casino, where you can enjoy hundreds of casino-style games for free, anytime and anywhere. Ryan emphasizes how these games can add a bright spot to your day, breaking the monotony of daily routines like traffic and chores.
The episode takes a comedic turn with a skit featuring characters like Costello, Abbott, and Susan Miller, who engage in humorous banter about music, relationships, and life. The skit includes a mix of witty exchanges, misunderstandings, and playful insults, culminating in a chaotic scene at the Blue Goose Cafe where Costello and Abbott, posing as retired millionaires, find themselves embroiled in a gambling adventure. The episode wraps up with a comedic twist as they attempt to arrest the patrons of the cafe, revealing their true identities as "T Men."
(00:00) Introduction and Chumba Casino
(01:01) Band Leader Maddie Malnik's Antics
(03:05) Susan Miller's Arrival and Gifts
(06:04) Romantic Misadventures with Susan
(11:00) Costello's Aspiration to be a T-Man
(14:19) The Blue Goose Cafe Adventure
(20:02) Gambling and the Final Showdown
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[00:00:00]
Unknown:
Hello. It is Ryan, and I was on a flight the other day playing one of my favorite social spin slot games on chumbacasino.com. I looked over the person sitting next to me, and you know what they were doing? They were also playing Chumba casino. Coincidence? I think not. Everybody's loving having fun with it. Chumba Casino is home to hundreds of casino style games that you can play for free anytime, anywhere, even at 30,000 feet. So sign up now at chumbacasino.com to claim your free welcome bonus at chumba casino dot com and live the Chumba life. No purchase necessary. Hello. It is Ryan, and we could all use an extra bright spot in our day, couldn't we? Just to make up for things like sitting in traffic, doing the dishes, counting your steps, you know, all the mundane stuff. That is why I'm such a big fan of Chumba Casino. Chumba Casino has all your favorite social casino style games that you can play for free anytime, anywhere with daily bonuses.
That should brighten your day low. Actually, a lot. So sign up now at chumbacasino.com. That's chumbacasino.com.
[00:01:00] Unknown:
No purchase necessary. DTELLY, avoid prohibited by law. See terms and conditions 18 plus. Look, Capsella. There's our band leader, Matty Malnik. Look. He's just coming in the studio. You know, he's got a lot of nerve evidence. What do you mean? I'm gonna talk to him. Hey, Malnik. What's the idea of showing up late again? Shut up. This is my week off. But you were off last week, the week before that, and and the week before that. Madam, you've gotta put in more working hours. Which one are you, Kath or Hartley? I guess he told you I haven't.
He says he's gonna he's gonna make this one of the highest class bands in the country. How's he going to do it? He's taking out all the brass and putting in sterling silver. Now wait a minute. I think the band is pretty good as it is. There's only one thing wrong Abbot. Right. The harp is too loud. There's no harp in the band. What do you think that drummer is, a That's no way to talk to that's no way to talk about a musician. You should get more friendly with the boy. Oh, I tried being friendly with the man, but I invited him over to my house for a buffet supper. Not buffet supper. It's buffet. The tea is silent.
Not the way those guys drink it. Come in there, Costello. I don't have to take that guff from you. Oh, no. Listen, Malik. I'm the boss of the show and you get in the front of that band and start waving that sticker, I'll fire you. You can't fire me. I'll be on this show as long as I like. This week and next week. In fact, I'll be on it next year if I want. Oh, yeah? Oh, yeah. My brother-in-law happens to be vice president of this network. He is? Yes. He is. Could you fix it so I can be on the show next week? Up and up. Up and up. I'll take you all up and up. Who's that? Jo Walcott.
She's been that way ever since we fought Jo Lloyd.
[00:03:05] Unknown:
Hello, boys. Well, look who's here. It's Susan Miller.
[00:03:16] Unknown:
Cristello, you should be ashamed of yourself fighting with Maddie Malnik. He's a thorough musician.
[00:03:22] Unknown:
He's How do you spell that thorough?
[00:03:24] Unknown:
He's a clarinet player studied with the Los Angeles Dental College. What would a clarinet player do with a dental college? He used to sit there all day and make false tooth.
[00:03:39] Unknown:
Suits. That's a good one. Mhmm. You know, my uncle Tom in Baltimore, he used to be a test pilot in the underwear factory. He used to let the flaps down on the union suits. Hey, you know that? That was a good one, Lou. You know, before I married my wife, Betty, she used to be a mechanic in the candy factory. She used to tighten the nuts on the peanut brittle. Please let me rest in peace. Why can't you let me rest in peace? Why do you keep digging me up? Every week you dig me up. Who will you? Joe Miller. Never mind him, Costell.
What's that present you said you, bought for Susan? A present for me? Why, Costell, you're wonderful. Yes. I got it right here, Susan. I think you'll like this. Go ahead. Lift off the cover.
[00:04:48] Unknown:
Wonderful, but what is it? A musical garbage can.
[00:04:56] Unknown:
Shame on you Costello, a garbage can for a fine girl like Susan. I'm sorry Susan, but you know how I feel about you. You are a radiant vision of eternal loveliness and the cosmic vibrations of your mere presence fills my humble soul with palpitation of ecstasy. What does that mean? Wait a minute. Dose my humble soul with palpitation of ecstasy. Don't you feel good, Lou? Yes. Where did you learn to talk like that? I used to write ads for honest John. I
[00:05:29] Unknown:
Never mind, Priscilla. I think it was very sweet of you to give me the present. And in appreciation, I'm going to give you a kiss that will make your toes curl. You couldn't give me a kiss that would make my toes curl up. Oh, no? Yeah. Come here.
[00:05:52] Unknown:
Well, so long, Caroline.
[00:06:05] Unknown:
You know, Abby, she calls me her secret lover? Why? She says when people see me, they'll know why she keeps me a secret. Why don't you get serious with Susan? She'd make a good housewife. No girl is gonna make a housewife out of me. No. No. You really? Why don't you propose to Susan? I proposed to her four times last night. How did she react? First she was hot, then she was cold. Then she was hot, then she was cold. Well, wait a minute. Where, where, where did you propose to her? Between the icebox and the gas stove. I, dummy Hurry up before the joke cools off.
And dummy, why why didn't you propose to her in the parlor? I couldn't have it. There were 50 guys playing pool in the parlor. Susan lives at the YMCA. The YMCA? You're right. If they don't allow girls to live in the YMCA, that's against the rule. Suppose they found out that Susan is living there. Who's gonna tell? I why do you pick such places as opposed to a girl? Why don't you pick, romantic places? Why don't you take her horseback riding in the park? I tried that too. I climbed off the horse, got down on my knees in front of her and jumped up. Then I got down on my knees again and then I jumped up again. And then I got down on my knees again and then I jumped up again. What what was the matter? Were you nervous? No. I forgot to take off my spurs. That's the problem with you, Costello. When you propose to a girl, don't let anything stop you. Oh, nothing will stop me. Now if a girl says you've got to give her all your money, that won't stop Laurel. If she says to you, you've got to stay home nights and help her with the housework, that won't stop me. And if she says she wants a family of 10 children, that stops me. Hello, both darling. Hello, mufflehead. Pile is Priscilla. Hello, dear. Well, Catello is my wife. Aren't you going to say hello to my doll? My little dumpling?
I beg your pardon? I want you to say, hello to my little dumpling. Hi, you, dump die.
[00:08:10] Unknown:
Hi, Ocelo. Don't you look charming today? You and your new look shape. What do you mean new look shape? You're the only man in Hollywood with an ankle length stomach.
[00:08:23] Unknown:
Used to be only knee length, but I let the hem out.
[00:08:27] Unknown:
Oh, and you should have let the air out, you little woozy headed broom bag.
[00:08:34] Unknown:
Now, now, honey, Costello's stomach is not that big. Thanks, bud. My waistline is what you'd call a republican waistline. Republican waistline? Yes. It's been out since '32 and is looking forward to '48. Never mind that, Castello. Aren't you glad to see my wife? Aren't you glad to see my wife? Oh, sure. Mrs. Abbott, you're a sight with sore eyes. You mean I'm a sight for sore eyes. Okay. You're a sight with four sore eyes. There's nothing wrong with my eyes. I saw you going down Hollywood Boulevard yesterday with that red headed bubblegum. Yeah. Who who was that red headed girl? I don't know her name Abbott, but I call her baseball. Why? She was thrown out at home. You you really should find some nice girl and get married. Look how happy Betty and I are. Yes indeed, Costello.
[00:09:34] Unknown:
But he does just as I tell him. At home, I've got him easing out of my hand. He has to. The dishes are all dirty.
[00:09:44] Unknown:
Costello, why do you always argue with Betty? Can't you say something nice to it? Okay. Yeah. But I will. Mrs. Abbott, you remind me of a beautiful thing of nature growing out in the field. Oh, do you really think that? Yes, ma'am. You got a shape like an old crab apple tree.
[00:10:00] Unknown:
Well, thank you. And may I say that you too remind me of nature. When I see you, I think of a a stroll through the beautiful orange groves of California.
[00:10:09] Unknown:
Do I remind you of the orange trees? No. The smudge pots. Oh, that teller you my little potato. You sure left, you sure left him holding the bag. Oh, no my little potato. You always leave him holding the bag. No my little potato. You always leave him holding the bag. Ladies and gentlemen you have just heard from a couple old potato bags.
[00:10:38] Unknown:
Oh, good fuck.
[00:10:42] Unknown:
I'll read it again. It is again, Gastel. You can tell it's my wife. You just, you can't get along with anybody. No no one of the girls won't have anything to do with you. Well, it ain't that, Abbot. The girls today are all looking for heroes. I know what I'll do. I'll be a hero. No use, Casselli. You'll never be a hero. You don't know how to act like a hero. No. I saw a picture last night called T Men. I watched every move they made. Those T Men are real heroes. Abbott, I wish I was a T Man. Mister Costello. Yes? What do you wanna I hear you say that you wanted to be a T man. I'd rather be a T man than anything else in the world. That's the spirit. That's the kind of men we need. Would you mind working nights? I'll work anytime.
Okay. You've got the job. You are now a key man. You can start tonight. I want you to cover the night plug. Be at the Blue Goose Cafe at midnight. Here's the address of our headquarters. Report back to me in the morning. Good night. Anthony, at last. I'm a tea man. Wait until Mary Lou Bozzo hears about this. She'll come crawling to me on her hands and knees. Why should Mary Lou crawl to you on her hands and knees? She'll have to. She's only nine months old. Come on, Costello. I'm gonna help you to make a a good T man. Quiet, Costello. You must never disclose your identity even if you're captured by a mob of gangsters, and they beat you over the head. Don't tell them who you are. I won't tell them who I am. The leader of the mob hits you on the head with a lead pipe.
I won't tell them who I am. If three gangsters grab you and they all beat your head against the wall. I won't tell them who I am. Then a cop comes in to rescue you. I won't tell them who I am. Why? Why then I won't know who I am. As a tea man, you'll have to watch the race tracks. The horse is being doped. I saw a guy doped in a horse the other day. He put dope in the horse's mouth, dope under the saddle, dope in the horse's leg. The horse win? No. He was disqualified for flying over the grandstand. Look, you dummy. Suppose we get a call from the chief of the t men to raid a gambling joint, then we work as a team.
I'll watch him and you search him. What if we raid a bookmaker's place? I'll watch them and you search them. Suppose we raid a burlesque show? I'll search them and you watch them. I'm used to that kind of work. I once investigated the case of the blonde bubble dancer. How did you do? I busted it wide open. I I don't believe you were ever a detective in the case in your life. I was so, Abbott. I investigated the case of the murdered millionaire. I can see the body now hanging from the chandelier, a knife sticking in his back, six bullet holes in his chest, and a bottle of poison in his hand. I made out my report. What did you say caused his death? Old age. I mhmm. Gutsal, if you wanna be a a good tea man, read a lot of mystery books. That's no good at it. They're too spooky. My uncle Jim Kelly was reading one the other night and he heard a noise downstairs. No. You mean he thinks he heard a noise downstairs? He sneaked downstairs. He saw a shadow. He thinks he saw a shadow. Then he heard a shot. He thinks he heard a shot. Where is Jim now? He thinks he's dead.
Well, never mind that. We're supposed to be at the Blue Goose Cafe at midnight. It's over on the other side of town. Now, what's the quickest way to get there? By boat. By by boat. How can a boat get through the Los Angeles traffic? Something must be getting through. Cars ain't. Oh, come on. We're going we're going to the Blue Goose Cafe. Hey, Abbott. I don't like the looks of this part of town. Look, Look at that guy standing in front of that slum wearing glasses. Oh, what? Lots of people wear glasses. With beer in him? I'm going to ask that ragged man where the Blue Goose Cafe is.
Say, buddy, you like, you look like you know this section of town. Here's a dime. I'd like some information about this neighborhood. There, you got a lot of nerve. What do you think I do? Just come around this neighborhood? In the old days, I was a school teacher, but I gave it up. Why? You can make more money being a bum. Yeah. But I was a good algebra teacher. I studied algebra for nine years. Do you find it useful? No. You don't want any many people who speak algebra. That's how you feel, mister bum. My uncle Mike was once a bum. He was so poor he had to roll his own cigarettes. Lots of people roll cigarettes.
From the gutter up to the sidewalk. It must be awful to have no money. They said you don't know what poverty is. Why when I was born, my mother was so poor, the stock left me with the woman next door. That's very sad. You're like my poor cousin, Vincent. He worked from the time he was five years old to save money to go to college. He was stuck up by crooks, they took his money. He was the first guy drafted in the war, came back, couldn't get a job. He had to beg for money. Finally, he saved $12. He lost it in the stock market. He invented television. They stole his idea. Now he's writing a book about his life. What's the name of the book? Smile and the World Smiles with You.
Enough of this time. Look, do you know where the Blue Goose Cafe is? Yeah. It's two doors down the street. Hey, Costello. This is a pretty tough looking mob in here. Be careful what you say. They find out who we are. They may trap us in a dark room. I ain't afraid I will. I'll use my gun. A gun won't help you in a dark room. Okay. Then I'll get my knife. A knife won't do any good in a dark room. Then I'll get Jane Russell. What would you do with Jane Russell in a dark room? I'd brush my teeth. I brush your teeth? Certainly. You ask a silly question, you get a silly answer. Hey, Abba. Look at that gorgeous, lovely, beautiful girl over there. Here she come.
[00:17:31] Unknown:
Well, hello cute and savvy.
[00:17:35] Unknown:
Hello? You can call me Dolores big boy. Hello, Dolores big boy.
[00:17:49] Unknown:
Hey, you know, you're sweet. What would you like me to call you? If you let me see the microphone, I'll tell you.
[00:18:01] Unknown:
Can I have it again?
[00:18:03] Unknown:
You know, you're kinda sweet. What would you like me to call you? You could call me every five minutes.
[00:18:14] Unknown:
Watch yourself, Castillo. Watch yourself.
[00:18:18] Unknown:
I said, Toby, you do something to me. I'm gonna put my arms around you like this.
[00:18:25] Unknown:
Oh.
[00:18:26] Unknown:
And I'm gonna squeeze you like this. And now I'm gonna kiss you like
[00:18:40] Unknown:
this.
[00:18:43] Unknown:
Dolores. Dolores. Could I take you to lunch someday?
[00:18:49] Unknown:
How dare you hardly know you.
[00:18:56] Unknown:
Miss, my partner didn't mean to be, disrespectful.
[00:18:59] Unknown:
I'm sorry, Chubby. And to prove that I'm sorry, I'm gonna give you a kiss that'll send you.
[00:19:08] Unknown:
How was that? Wonderful. Now can you give me one that'll bring me back? Now Laurie, come here.
[00:19:19] Unknown:
Now what is it, big Tony?
[00:19:21] Unknown:
I don't like the looks of those two mugs. Find out who they are. Okay, boss.
[00:19:26] Unknown:
Say,
[00:19:27] Unknown:
nice of you boys to drop in. By the way, what business are you in? Why, we're just a couple. Costello, Costello. Don't tell her. That is we're we're we're a couple of, a couple of retired millionaires. Say, look, if you're a couple of millionaires, maybe you'd like to gamble a little. We have a gambling room, you know? Well, we might put a few nickels in the slot machine. Better not have it. We've had such a drought in California this year that even on the slot machines, the oranges won't come up. Say, Dolores, is that big fellow to whom's watching us the owner? Yeah. That's him. Big Tony. He's a real tough guy.
Oh, honey. I'm pretty tough myself. I can rip a telephone book in half. You ought to be great in a fight. Well, I don't know. In a fight, you don't get much chance to rip a telephone book in half. Oh, boy. How hot little roulette? Like to try your luck? Oh, I don't, I don't think so, mister Tony. We're not much on gambling. Listen, I heard you guys say we're millionaires. See, all millionaires gamble and you mugs are gonna gamble. Better do as he says. He's pretty tough. Abbot, we better go into the gambling room.
Dolores, that little fat guy is breaking the dice game. Look at that pile of chips he's got. Better get him away from that dice table into the back room. I'll have the boys play a little card with him. Alright, Costello. How many cards do you want? Oh, I'll play these. Look at it. I got three aces and a pair of kings. Bet it all, Costello. You can't lose. Alright, you guys. Cut out the whispering. What's your bet? $31,000 All the money I won in a dice game. I'll see you. What do you got? A full house. No. Good. I got a full house and a two car garage.
You got a full house and a two car garage. What kind of poker game is this? Poker? You jerk. We're playing Monopoly. That did it, Abbot. Let's do our duty as teaming and tear this joint apart. You're all under arrest.
Hello. It is Ryan, and I was on a flight the other day playing one of my favorite social spin slot games on chumbacasino.com. I looked over the person sitting next to me, and you know what they were doing? They were also playing Chumba casino. Coincidence? I think not. Everybody's loving having fun with it. Chumba Casino is home to hundreds of casino style games that you can play for free anytime, anywhere, even at 30,000 feet. So sign up now at chumbacasino.com to claim your free welcome bonus at chumba casino dot com and live the Chumba life. No purchase necessary. Hello. It is Ryan, and we could all use an extra bright spot in our day, couldn't we? Just to make up for things like sitting in traffic, doing the dishes, counting your steps, you know, all the mundane stuff. That is why I'm such a big fan of Chumba Casino. Chumba Casino has all your favorite social casino style games that you can play for free anytime, anywhere with daily bonuses.
That should brighten your day low. Actually, a lot. So sign up now at chumbacasino.com. That's chumbacasino.com.
[00:01:00] Unknown:
No purchase necessary. DTELLY, avoid prohibited by law. See terms and conditions 18 plus. Look, Capsella. There's our band leader, Matty Malnik. Look. He's just coming in the studio. You know, he's got a lot of nerve evidence. What do you mean? I'm gonna talk to him. Hey, Malnik. What's the idea of showing up late again? Shut up. This is my week off. But you were off last week, the week before that, and and the week before that. Madam, you've gotta put in more working hours. Which one are you, Kath or Hartley? I guess he told you I haven't.
He says he's gonna he's gonna make this one of the highest class bands in the country. How's he going to do it? He's taking out all the brass and putting in sterling silver. Now wait a minute. I think the band is pretty good as it is. There's only one thing wrong Abbot. Right. The harp is too loud. There's no harp in the band. What do you think that drummer is, a That's no way to talk to that's no way to talk about a musician. You should get more friendly with the boy. Oh, I tried being friendly with the man, but I invited him over to my house for a buffet supper. Not buffet supper. It's buffet. The tea is silent.
Not the way those guys drink it. Come in there, Costello. I don't have to take that guff from you. Oh, no. Listen, Malik. I'm the boss of the show and you get in the front of that band and start waving that sticker, I'll fire you. You can't fire me. I'll be on this show as long as I like. This week and next week. In fact, I'll be on it next year if I want. Oh, yeah? Oh, yeah. My brother-in-law happens to be vice president of this network. He is? Yes. He is. Could you fix it so I can be on the show next week? Up and up. Up and up. I'll take you all up and up. Who's that? Jo Walcott.
She's been that way ever since we fought Jo Lloyd.
[00:03:05] Unknown:
Hello, boys. Well, look who's here. It's Susan Miller.
[00:03:16] Unknown:
Cristello, you should be ashamed of yourself fighting with Maddie Malnik. He's a thorough musician.
[00:03:22] Unknown:
He's How do you spell that thorough?
[00:03:24] Unknown:
He's a clarinet player studied with the Los Angeles Dental College. What would a clarinet player do with a dental college? He used to sit there all day and make false tooth.
[00:03:39] Unknown:
Suits. That's a good one. Mhmm. You know, my uncle Tom in Baltimore, he used to be a test pilot in the underwear factory. He used to let the flaps down on the union suits. Hey, you know that? That was a good one, Lou. You know, before I married my wife, Betty, she used to be a mechanic in the candy factory. She used to tighten the nuts on the peanut brittle. Please let me rest in peace. Why can't you let me rest in peace? Why do you keep digging me up? Every week you dig me up. Who will you? Joe Miller. Never mind him, Costell.
What's that present you said you, bought for Susan? A present for me? Why, Costell, you're wonderful. Yes. I got it right here, Susan. I think you'll like this. Go ahead. Lift off the cover.
[00:04:48] Unknown:
Wonderful, but what is it? A musical garbage can.
[00:04:56] Unknown:
Shame on you Costello, a garbage can for a fine girl like Susan. I'm sorry Susan, but you know how I feel about you. You are a radiant vision of eternal loveliness and the cosmic vibrations of your mere presence fills my humble soul with palpitation of ecstasy. What does that mean? Wait a minute. Dose my humble soul with palpitation of ecstasy. Don't you feel good, Lou? Yes. Where did you learn to talk like that? I used to write ads for honest John. I
[00:05:29] Unknown:
Never mind, Priscilla. I think it was very sweet of you to give me the present. And in appreciation, I'm going to give you a kiss that will make your toes curl. You couldn't give me a kiss that would make my toes curl up. Oh, no? Yeah. Come here.
[00:05:52] Unknown:
Well, so long, Caroline.
[00:06:05] Unknown:
You know, Abby, she calls me her secret lover? Why? She says when people see me, they'll know why she keeps me a secret. Why don't you get serious with Susan? She'd make a good housewife. No girl is gonna make a housewife out of me. No. No. You really? Why don't you propose to Susan? I proposed to her four times last night. How did she react? First she was hot, then she was cold. Then she was hot, then she was cold. Well, wait a minute. Where, where, where did you propose to her? Between the icebox and the gas stove. I, dummy Hurry up before the joke cools off.
And dummy, why why didn't you propose to her in the parlor? I couldn't have it. There were 50 guys playing pool in the parlor. Susan lives at the YMCA. The YMCA? You're right. If they don't allow girls to live in the YMCA, that's against the rule. Suppose they found out that Susan is living there. Who's gonna tell? I why do you pick such places as opposed to a girl? Why don't you pick, romantic places? Why don't you take her horseback riding in the park? I tried that too. I climbed off the horse, got down on my knees in front of her and jumped up. Then I got down on my knees again and then I jumped up again. And then I got down on my knees again and then I jumped up again. What what was the matter? Were you nervous? No. I forgot to take off my spurs. That's the problem with you, Costello. When you propose to a girl, don't let anything stop you. Oh, nothing will stop me. Now if a girl says you've got to give her all your money, that won't stop Laurel. If she says to you, you've got to stay home nights and help her with the housework, that won't stop me. And if she says she wants a family of 10 children, that stops me. Hello, both darling. Hello, mufflehead. Pile is Priscilla. Hello, dear. Well, Catello is my wife. Aren't you going to say hello to my doll? My little dumpling?
I beg your pardon? I want you to say, hello to my little dumpling. Hi, you, dump die.
[00:08:10] Unknown:
Hi, Ocelo. Don't you look charming today? You and your new look shape. What do you mean new look shape? You're the only man in Hollywood with an ankle length stomach.
[00:08:23] Unknown:
Used to be only knee length, but I let the hem out.
[00:08:27] Unknown:
Oh, and you should have let the air out, you little woozy headed broom bag.
[00:08:34] Unknown:
Now, now, honey, Costello's stomach is not that big. Thanks, bud. My waistline is what you'd call a republican waistline. Republican waistline? Yes. It's been out since '32 and is looking forward to '48. Never mind that, Castello. Aren't you glad to see my wife? Aren't you glad to see my wife? Oh, sure. Mrs. Abbott, you're a sight with sore eyes. You mean I'm a sight for sore eyes. Okay. You're a sight with four sore eyes. There's nothing wrong with my eyes. I saw you going down Hollywood Boulevard yesterday with that red headed bubblegum. Yeah. Who who was that red headed girl? I don't know her name Abbott, but I call her baseball. Why? She was thrown out at home. You you really should find some nice girl and get married. Look how happy Betty and I are. Yes indeed, Costello.
[00:09:34] Unknown:
But he does just as I tell him. At home, I've got him easing out of my hand. He has to. The dishes are all dirty.
[00:09:44] Unknown:
Costello, why do you always argue with Betty? Can't you say something nice to it? Okay. Yeah. But I will. Mrs. Abbott, you remind me of a beautiful thing of nature growing out in the field. Oh, do you really think that? Yes, ma'am. You got a shape like an old crab apple tree.
[00:10:00] Unknown:
Well, thank you. And may I say that you too remind me of nature. When I see you, I think of a a stroll through the beautiful orange groves of California.
[00:10:09] Unknown:
Do I remind you of the orange trees? No. The smudge pots. Oh, that teller you my little potato. You sure left, you sure left him holding the bag. Oh, no my little potato. You always leave him holding the bag. No my little potato. You always leave him holding the bag. Ladies and gentlemen you have just heard from a couple old potato bags.
[00:10:38] Unknown:
Oh, good fuck.
[00:10:42] Unknown:
I'll read it again. It is again, Gastel. You can tell it's my wife. You just, you can't get along with anybody. No no one of the girls won't have anything to do with you. Well, it ain't that, Abbot. The girls today are all looking for heroes. I know what I'll do. I'll be a hero. No use, Casselli. You'll never be a hero. You don't know how to act like a hero. No. I saw a picture last night called T Men. I watched every move they made. Those T Men are real heroes. Abbott, I wish I was a T Man. Mister Costello. Yes? What do you wanna I hear you say that you wanted to be a T man. I'd rather be a T man than anything else in the world. That's the spirit. That's the kind of men we need. Would you mind working nights? I'll work anytime.
Okay. You've got the job. You are now a key man. You can start tonight. I want you to cover the night plug. Be at the Blue Goose Cafe at midnight. Here's the address of our headquarters. Report back to me in the morning. Good night. Anthony, at last. I'm a tea man. Wait until Mary Lou Bozzo hears about this. She'll come crawling to me on her hands and knees. Why should Mary Lou crawl to you on her hands and knees? She'll have to. She's only nine months old. Come on, Costello. I'm gonna help you to make a a good T man. Quiet, Costello. You must never disclose your identity even if you're captured by a mob of gangsters, and they beat you over the head. Don't tell them who you are. I won't tell them who I am. The leader of the mob hits you on the head with a lead pipe.
I won't tell them who I am. If three gangsters grab you and they all beat your head against the wall. I won't tell them who I am. Then a cop comes in to rescue you. I won't tell them who I am. Why? Why then I won't know who I am. As a tea man, you'll have to watch the race tracks. The horse is being doped. I saw a guy doped in a horse the other day. He put dope in the horse's mouth, dope under the saddle, dope in the horse's leg. The horse win? No. He was disqualified for flying over the grandstand. Look, you dummy. Suppose we get a call from the chief of the t men to raid a gambling joint, then we work as a team.
I'll watch him and you search him. What if we raid a bookmaker's place? I'll watch them and you search them. Suppose we raid a burlesque show? I'll search them and you watch them. I'm used to that kind of work. I once investigated the case of the blonde bubble dancer. How did you do? I busted it wide open. I I don't believe you were ever a detective in the case in your life. I was so, Abbott. I investigated the case of the murdered millionaire. I can see the body now hanging from the chandelier, a knife sticking in his back, six bullet holes in his chest, and a bottle of poison in his hand. I made out my report. What did you say caused his death? Old age. I mhmm. Gutsal, if you wanna be a a good tea man, read a lot of mystery books. That's no good at it. They're too spooky. My uncle Jim Kelly was reading one the other night and he heard a noise downstairs. No. You mean he thinks he heard a noise downstairs? He sneaked downstairs. He saw a shadow. He thinks he saw a shadow. Then he heard a shot. He thinks he heard a shot. Where is Jim now? He thinks he's dead.
Well, never mind that. We're supposed to be at the Blue Goose Cafe at midnight. It's over on the other side of town. Now, what's the quickest way to get there? By boat. By by boat. How can a boat get through the Los Angeles traffic? Something must be getting through. Cars ain't. Oh, come on. We're going we're going to the Blue Goose Cafe. Hey, Abbott. I don't like the looks of this part of town. Look, Look at that guy standing in front of that slum wearing glasses. Oh, what? Lots of people wear glasses. With beer in him? I'm going to ask that ragged man where the Blue Goose Cafe is.
Say, buddy, you like, you look like you know this section of town. Here's a dime. I'd like some information about this neighborhood. There, you got a lot of nerve. What do you think I do? Just come around this neighborhood? In the old days, I was a school teacher, but I gave it up. Why? You can make more money being a bum. Yeah. But I was a good algebra teacher. I studied algebra for nine years. Do you find it useful? No. You don't want any many people who speak algebra. That's how you feel, mister bum. My uncle Mike was once a bum. He was so poor he had to roll his own cigarettes. Lots of people roll cigarettes.
From the gutter up to the sidewalk. It must be awful to have no money. They said you don't know what poverty is. Why when I was born, my mother was so poor, the stock left me with the woman next door. That's very sad. You're like my poor cousin, Vincent. He worked from the time he was five years old to save money to go to college. He was stuck up by crooks, they took his money. He was the first guy drafted in the war, came back, couldn't get a job. He had to beg for money. Finally, he saved $12. He lost it in the stock market. He invented television. They stole his idea. Now he's writing a book about his life. What's the name of the book? Smile and the World Smiles with You.
Enough of this time. Look, do you know where the Blue Goose Cafe is? Yeah. It's two doors down the street. Hey, Costello. This is a pretty tough looking mob in here. Be careful what you say. They find out who we are. They may trap us in a dark room. I ain't afraid I will. I'll use my gun. A gun won't help you in a dark room. Okay. Then I'll get my knife. A knife won't do any good in a dark room. Then I'll get Jane Russell. What would you do with Jane Russell in a dark room? I'd brush my teeth. I brush your teeth? Certainly. You ask a silly question, you get a silly answer. Hey, Abba. Look at that gorgeous, lovely, beautiful girl over there. Here she come.
[00:17:31] Unknown:
Well, hello cute and savvy.
[00:17:35] Unknown:
Hello? You can call me Dolores big boy. Hello, Dolores big boy.
[00:17:49] Unknown:
Hey, you know, you're sweet. What would you like me to call you? If you let me see the microphone, I'll tell you.
[00:18:01] Unknown:
Can I have it again?
[00:18:03] Unknown:
You know, you're kinda sweet. What would you like me to call you? You could call me every five minutes.
[00:18:14] Unknown:
Watch yourself, Castillo. Watch yourself.
[00:18:18] Unknown:
I said, Toby, you do something to me. I'm gonna put my arms around you like this.
[00:18:25] Unknown:
Oh.
[00:18:26] Unknown:
And I'm gonna squeeze you like this. And now I'm gonna kiss you like
[00:18:40] Unknown:
this.
[00:18:43] Unknown:
Dolores. Dolores. Could I take you to lunch someday?
[00:18:49] Unknown:
How dare you hardly know you.
[00:18:56] Unknown:
Miss, my partner didn't mean to be, disrespectful.
[00:18:59] Unknown:
I'm sorry, Chubby. And to prove that I'm sorry, I'm gonna give you a kiss that'll send you.
[00:19:08] Unknown:
How was that? Wonderful. Now can you give me one that'll bring me back? Now Laurie, come here.
[00:19:19] Unknown:
Now what is it, big Tony?
[00:19:21] Unknown:
I don't like the looks of those two mugs. Find out who they are. Okay, boss.
[00:19:26] Unknown:
Say,
[00:19:27] Unknown:
nice of you boys to drop in. By the way, what business are you in? Why, we're just a couple. Costello, Costello. Don't tell her. That is we're we're we're a couple of, a couple of retired millionaires. Say, look, if you're a couple of millionaires, maybe you'd like to gamble a little. We have a gambling room, you know? Well, we might put a few nickels in the slot machine. Better not have it. We've had such a drought in California this year that even on the slot machines, the oranges won't come up. Say, Dolores, is that big fellow to whom's watching us the owner? Yeah. That's him. Big Tony. He's a real tough guy.
Oh, honey. I'm pretty tough myself. I can rip a telephone book in half. You ought to be great in a fight. Well, I don't know. In a fight, you don't get much chance to rip a telephone book in half. Oh, boy. How hot little roulette? Like to try your luck? Oh, I don't, I don't think so, mister Tony. We're not much on gambling. Listen, I heard you guys say we're millionaires. See, all millionaires gamble and you mugs are gonna gamble. Better do as he says. He's pretty tough. Abbot, we better go into the gambling room.
Dolores, that little fat guy is breaking the dice game. Look at that pile of chips he's got. Better get him away from that dice table into the back room. I'll have the boys play a little card with him. Alright, Costello. How many cards do you want? Oh, I'll play these. Look at it. I got three aces and a pair of kings. Bet it all, Costello. You can't lose. Alright, you guys. Cut out the whispering. What's your bet? $31,000 All the money I won in a dice game. I'll see you. What do you got? A full house. No. Good. I got a full house and a two car garage.
You got a full house and a two car garage. What kind of poker game is this? Poker? You jerk. We're playing Monopoly. That did it, Abbot. Let's do our duty as teaming and tear this joint apart. You're all under arrest.
