In this lively episode, Ryan shares his amusing experience of playing Chumba Casino games on a flight, only to discover his seatmate indulging in the same pastime. The conversation takes a whimsical turn as Ryan introduces the audience to "The Godfather" slot game on Chumba Casino, inviting listeners to test their luck in a world of power, loyalty, and family intrigue. The episode is filled with humorous anecdotes and playful banter, capturing the essence of enjoying casino-style games anywhere, even at 30,000 feet.
The episode then transitions into a comedic sketch featuring a series of humorous exchanges about farm life, milking cows, and the antics of a pig named Clyde. The dialogue is filled with puns and wordplay, as characters navigate misunderstandings about farming tasks and the challenges of finding a place to live. The episode concludes with a comical attempt to hide a pig in an apartment, leading to a series of laugh-out-loud moments and a surprising twist involving a pig's plea for mercy.
(00:00) Introduction and Casino Anecdote
(00:30) The Godfather Slot Game
(01:04) Farm Life and Milking Cows
(04:00) Pig Business and Apartment Hunt
(08:01) Real Estate Adventures
(11:05) Farm Work and Daughter's Date
(14:19) Sneaking the Pig into the Apartment
(17:01) The Pig's Fate and Mrs. Niles' Visit
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[00:00:00]
Unknown:
Hello. It is Ryan, and I was on a flight the other day playing one of my favorite social spin slot games on chumbacasino.com. I looked over the person sitting next to me, and you know what they were doing? They were also playing Chumba casino. Coincidence? I think not. Everybody's loving having fun with it. Chumba Casino is home to hundreds of casino style games that you can play for free anytime, anywhere, even at 30,000 feet. So sign up now at chumbacasino.com to claim your free welcome bonus at chumba casino dot com and live the Chumba life. No purchase necessary. PVW report where prohibited by laws. See terms and conditions 18 plus.
[00:00:31] Unknown:
Step into the world of power, loyalty, and luck I'm gonna make him an offer he can't refuse. With family, cannolis, and spins mean everything. Now you wanna get mixed up in the family business. Business. Introducing The Godfather at champacasino.com. Test your luck in the shadowy world of The Godfather slot. Someday, I will call upon you to do a service for me. Play The Godfather now at champacasino.com.
[00:00:59] Unknown:
Welcome to the family. No purchase necessary. VGW Group. We were prohibited by law. 18 plus. Terms and conditions apply. Hey, Godzilla. Cut here. What are you doing with those harmless overhauls in Strawhat? We haven't. What? I've been working on a monopoly service farm, and I hope I never see the place again. Well, what's the matter? All I did for two weeks was milk cows. That's not hard work. No. But every time I shake hands now, I shake a finger at a time. I offer you.
[00:01:24] Unknown:
What? Do what?
[00:01:27] Unknown:
Do what? Do Do what? Do all your uncle cows give milk? Oh, cows don't give milk. No. You gotta take it away from our wife, boss. Why? What kind of cows are they? Old fiends? Oh, no. They're new cows. They're half steams. No. No. No. No. No. Does he have any Jersey cows? I don't know. I just need a license plate yet. I tell her you don't know the first thing about milking a cow. Hold on. You don't. I said no. The The first thing you do is try to pull the cow out of the back. Throw the cow out of the back? Yeah. And what for? Soda cream will be on top of the morning. Hey. You know, my uncle Ives Evans loves this cow. He does? He has a phonograph that plays music well while you're looking to cow. Now don't be silly. What music could you play for a cow? Sweet rosy o grade eight. K. All Look, I Look. I I got Stella. Never mind the cows. What else did you do on the farm? Cut the chicken. I got it in the egg. Hey. You know what's happening? What? There was one hen out there that laid a egg weighing 14 pounds. A hen laid an egg weighing 14 pounds? That's remarkable. What's remarkable about it? What else could she do with it? Look.
[00:02:40] Unknown:
I still can't believe that a hen could lay an egg weighing 14 pounds. Well, I read where the mayor of New York laid a five foot cornerstone. Oh, look.
[00:02:49] Unknown:
Never mind that. I'm a wrecker. Yeah. I know you are.
[00:02:53] Unknown:
Gacela, how about the crops? Did you have anything to do with the crops? Oh, I suck crops every night. No. No. No. No. No. No. I mean, I need your help with the planting. Did you, sow the seed? Did I what? I said, did you sow the seed? Oh, I can even always rip. Oh, what a dope. When I say sow, I don't mean sow, s e w. I mean sow, s o w, sow. Sow what? Sow what? Sow the seed. You see, you've got to sow the seed before you reap it. You sow the seed first and reap it later. What kind of pork is that?
[00:03:22] Unknown:
I used to reap my seed first and then my mother would sell it later.
[00:03:27] Unknown:
When I say reap, I don't mean reap like rip when you rip. I mean I mean reap like you reap when you sow.
[00:03:34] Unknown:
When you say reap, just like you reap when you reap. You don't mean reap like reap when you reap. You mean reap like you reap when you reap instead of ripping when you reap when you sow. Now you have got it.
[00:03:47] Unknown:
I don't even know what I'm talking what salary did you get from your uncle? I've got $3 when it don't rain. And, what did you get when it rains? I get what? You don't? No. No. No. You mean that's all that's all you got for working on the farm? No, Abbot. He sold me a pig for a dollar, my uncle did. He did? All I gotta do is feed him, and then next winter, I'll sell him for a dollar. You paid wait a minute. You paid a dollar for a pig and after feeding him, you're going to sell him next winter for a dollar? That's right. But you can't make money that way. But I have to use to the pig all summer.
[00:04:18] Unknown:
Oh. I will have it. I got the pig with me. Come here, little buddy. Come here, Clyde. Wait. Wait. Hey. Hey. Hey. Wait.
[00:04:42] Unknown:
Hey, Abbott. What? This is the smartest little pig you ever saw. Here, little piggy. Dance with Abbott. Well, Donald, get him out of here. I'm not dancing with any pig. What were you doing last night at the Palladium? That was my wife. I I I sell it. I sell it. Just a minute. Where did you get this thing? Did you get it out of a litter? Yeah. When I
[00:05:02] Unknown:
what did you say? Did you get this thing out of a litter? Certainly not. How could a pig get into a litter? The envelope wouldn't be big enough.
[00:05:10] Unknown:
Oh, I know that. I know they don't have pigs in the mailbox.
[00:05:14] Unknown:
No? Then why do they have litter carriers? I love one.
[00:05:19] Unknown:
Let let let me see that trade, Cartella. Well,
[00:05:22] Unknown:
he's a little short, isn't he? He? No. He's a chauffeur. He's just as wrong as the other pig.
[00:05:27] Unknown:
Nutella, where do you think you're going to keep that pig? Have you got a pen for that, porker? I beg your pardon? I say have you got a pen for that porker? No. But I got a porker pen. Porker pen?
[00:05:38] Unknown:
I got a porker pen. Porker pen. I fill up with oint.
[00:05:48] Unknown:
Stop going like an idiot and get that dirty thing out of here. I don't like swine. You don't like swine? No. Then why don't you drink swatter?
[00:05:56] Unknown:
What a glass of smoke. Yeah. Never mind. Maybe you like a smoke or a smoke? Never mind. Where are you going to keep that pee?
[00:06:02] Unknown:
Where you gonna keep that pig? Under the bed. Under the bed. Now that is in sanitary. Oh, the pig will get used to it. Well, I'll see you later, Ed. Where are you going? I I gotta take the pig out for a walk. For a walk? Yeah. How in heaven's name do you walk a pig? That tame as you walk a dog. Only you keep walking.
[00:06:32] Unknown:
Alright, buddy. Get up off that bench.
[00:06:35] Unknown:
Oh, yeah. Oh, oh, it's you always, mister Smith. Oy, mister Eric, what are you doing sleeping on a park bench? Oh, that dumb Costello, brought a pig home and we got kicked out of our apartment down. Now where is that tote? Costello.
[00:06:49] Unknown:
Costello. I'm over here. Now I'm over here. I I I was over there. I was washing my station, a wash station. That's not a wash station. That's a bird bath. No wonder those woodpeckers put these lumps on my head. Never mind that. Where did you get that, yellow beret? That's not a yellow beret. One of those woodpeckers had a bomb sight. He dropped the name. I guess the yoke is on me. Yeah. Alright. I'll I'll we gotta find ourselves in apartments. But first, we've we've got to have some breakfast. Gotta have some breakfast? Yeah. Well, I'll tell you when we do have it. What? We'll have a little breakfast. You know what I'll do? What? I'm gonna I'll climb up the tree and I'll catch a squirrel. How's that? A squirrel? Yeah. Well, how'd that affect Don't be silly. How could you catch a squirrel? Geez. I just climb up with a tree and make a noise like a nut. Oh, please. We just don't
[00:07:38] Unknown:
talk, Sam, and fold up those newspapers.
[00:07:40] Unknown:
Would you please fold up those newspapers? Okay. I'll fold them up. We may need them, for cover again tonight. Mommy, I'm not sleeping on any more newspapers tonight. Last night, I slept on the comic section. I can get a wink of sleep. Why not? Diet Smith kept getting me up all night to answer the phone.
[00:07:58] Unknown:
It's alright. Come on. Let's get out of the park and find a place to
[00:08:02] Unknown:
live. Yeah. That's what what's the like your little buddy? It's a little pig. I I leave that pig here. Come on. Come on, piggy. We'll go find apartment.
[00:08:10] Unknown:
Hey. There's a real estate officer. Let's go in. Okay.
[00:08:15] Unknown:
Good morning, gentlemen. What can I do for you? I would like to rent a three room apartment. You would like to rent a three room apartment? You would like to rent a three room apartment? You mad, silly, impetuous boy, you. All I wanna do is rent an apartment. All you wanna do is rent an apartment. Why don't you ask me for a date with my wife? Okay. But once thing at a time.
[00:08:41] Unknown:
Come on, Costello. Let's try somewhere else. Hey, Costello. What? We'll find a phone and call up another real estate office. Hey. There's a grocery store over here on the corner. Come on.
[00:08:58] Unknown:
Good old Hollywood and fine.
[00:09:01] Unknown:
Alright. Let's go to the grocery store. Affirm me. Do you have a telephone? Step aside, you two. Alright, man. Right this way. Forward, Mott.
[00:09:12] Unknown:
Company, Mott.
[00:09:15] Unknown:
Hey. What's going on here? Hey. What's the idea of these guards in a grocery store? They're delivering a quarter of a pound of butter. Right. Never mind that. Get on the phone and see if you can get in this spot. Okay.
[00:09:30] Unknown:
Well, is this Finnegan, O'Brien, Flanagan, and Murphy real estate company? I'd like to talk to Finnegan, O'Brien, Flanagan, and Murphy. Boy, have you got the wrong number? Hello, mister Abbott and mister Costello. What are you doing in this neighborhood? It as a lovely actress, especially Mamuche. We're looking for a place to live, mister, MuJo. Oh, the housing shortage is exasperating. I have an aunt who's been forced to move into a nasty old truck on the other side of the railroad truck. Railroad truck? Oh, sure, Abbot. You know what railroad trucks are. That's where the Chow Chow prune runs on. Who's a Chow Chow prune? No. They wrote a song about it. The interesting paprika and a swoop of poo.
My goodness, Costello. What is that under your coat? Is that a hog? No. It isn't a hog. That's a baby poop. Miss Mitchell, do you know where you can get an apartment, please? I think missus Niles has a vacancy. Well, a cheerio and a pipette studio and a cherry pie and a La Brea carte fix for you too.
[00:10:35] Unknown:
Man, come on, Costello. Let's get over to missus Miles and see about that apartment. Hey. Hey. Hey. Look who's coming up the street. Our old friend, Millinhead. Hello, boy. Hello, mister Millinhead. Hey. We're looking for an apartment. We got no place to live. Well, you're just the boys I'm looking for. I've got a room for you out on my rent. All I ask, Costello, is that you do a little work to pay for the rent. And what do I have to do? It's very simple. The first thing you do is roll out of bed at 04:00 in the morning. You milk 20 or 30 cows, punch a few bells of water from the well, chop down a couple of feet for firewood, feed the chickens and goats, and, bingo, you're ready for breakfast. And could I have a little sack of hollow five acres of ground, dig a couple of sacks of potatoes, then you run over to the barn and pitch a few tons of hay, then you skip into the orchids, pick 50 to 60 barrels of apples, toss them and crate them. You spread three waggles of fertilizer over the onion set, and single, you're ready for lunch. I'll just have a truffle of soda. I don't wanna waste any
[00:11:30] Unknown:
time. It's much faster.
[00:11:32] Unknown:
Alright. Fine. Now right after lunch, Costello, you get your shovel. You dig a drainage ditch around the farm, repair all the fences, pierce the salad, churn the butter, thrash the wheat, spray the tomatoes, prune the trees, trim the hedges, weed the cabbage, feed the cabbage hat, fill all the lanterns, spread down the cows, curry the horses, and, zingo, you're ready for supper. Gee. All I do is eat. Now, after supper, Catello, after supper, you hit up the buggy and take my daughter for a ride in the moonlight. She's a gorgeous, captivating redhead with lily white skin and ruby lips. You drive down the lane, you hold her hands, and you're suddenly the horse stops. She moves over close to you. You put your arm around her waist. She put her head on your shoulder, and then do you know what you do? Pico, I'm ready for lunch. Well, here's missus Niles' apartment building. Well, let's find out about that empty apartment. Come on. Come on, piggy. Oink. Oink. Wait a minute, Costello. You can't take that pig inside. Yeah. But I can't leave the poor little pig out here on the street. He's a stranger in town. He won't have anybody to talk to. Are you trying to tell me that pig can talk? Oh, sure he can talk. Take a piggy. Oink. Point this here, you Eli.
[00:12:35] Unknown:
See?
[00:12:36] Unknown:
That's pig wax. Oh, come on. Stop this silliness. Look. What do you want the pig for anyway? I'm hungry, Abbot. I told you to cook it for dinner. But if missus Mayles sees that pig, she won't let us have the apartment. I'll put the pig up under the back of my clothes. But it'll make a boat? On me. Who's gonna notice another boat? I oh, alright. Let's knock on missus Niles' dog. Come on.
[00:12:58] Unknown:
Oh, my goodness. Mister Abbott and mister Costello, I wasn't expecting anyone. I have not even dressed. My hair looks so bright. I I have a pigtail in back. Yes. Well, now I've got a pigtail in back too. What? Actually, I think pigtails are coming back, don't you? Here I am. Tell me why, Costello. Miss Niles, we understand you have a vacant apartment and we'd like to move red, please. What? I should have Costello living in one of my apartments. Why, ten minutes after he moved in, it would look like a pig pen. Who told you? Yes.
Client, Costello. Miss Niles, Costello isn't really a bad fella. Yes, mister Niles. Everybody says I have a heart attack as a watermelon. Yes. And you have a stomach to match. Yeah. Just come here, mister Niles. One way to get that confirmed about my appearance. Get a load of those long ears of yours. You better stay in the house next week. Stay in the house. What's going on? It's the opening of the rabbit hockey season. Would you stop the Castello? Missus Niles, please let us have in your pocket. If you do, I'll promise that Castello will will make no trouble whatsoever. Oh, very well. I'll get the keys. Wait. Wait. Why? What was that? I I got a little heart. I mean, I mean, I got a frog in my throat. Costello, what is that sticking out in the back of your coat? Oh, that those are my ribs.
Ribs? I never saw anybody's ribs stick out like that. Those are my spare ribs. I don't know. There's something fishy going on here. I'll be back in a few minutes. You see, cuss, dawg? We almost caught you. Now you can't sneak that pig in a out of your coat. You know that. Oh, wait a minute. Have a look. There's a nurse taking a baby out of that baby buggy. Maybe we can borrow the buggy. I'll speak to her. Pardon me, madam. Is that your baby? No. This is missus mom's day. I'm the baby's nurse. Hi. What a beautiful baby. Would you like to hold the baby in your arm? Would I? Oh. Costello.
You're not holding the baby or ruining the nurse. You hold what you like to not hold. Look, miss. We'd like to borrow your baby carriage. Oh, do you have a baby? Yes. I do. I have I have it on my back under my coat. What's the baby doing there? You like the right piggyback? I never heard of carrying a baby on your back. Well, I'm quite Indian. Well, I'm taking missus Martin's baby upstairs now so you can borrow the buggy, but I have to have it back in half an hour. I have to take the baby out for some more fresh air. Oh, there's nothing like fresh air to build you up. You must have spent a lot of time in the open.
[00:15:35] Unknown:
Well, I'll I'll be seeing you guys later. Bye bye. Sorry. Hey. Quick, Priscilla. What? Get the pig in the baby bucket before missus Niles comes back. Come on. Hey. I can hardly wait till we get this pig in the apartment and and we can start cooking it. Why am I hungry? Yeah. I can taste those pork chops now. Hey. Quick. Here comes missus Niles. Pin that blanket up around the pig's head. Hurry up. Okay. Okay. Well, boys, I have the keys. Oh,
[00:15:55] Unknown:
who have you got there in the boogie? Missus Martin's baby? Yes. Yes. Yes. We're reminding him for his nurse. Oh, I must be the little darling. Oh, my word. Look at that blanket up around the poor thing's head on a hot day like this. Where the poor thing will be bacon? Yes. Any minute. My. Just look at the nose on that child. I don't like the dumpster, but he's got a nose just like his father. Well, here are the keys to the apartment. And, miss Hatzello, I want you to remember the rules of this building. First, there'll be no cooking in the apartment. Secondly, there'll be no noise, no parties, no dancing, no singing, no playing the radio after 09:00, no loud talking, no heavy walking in the halls, and no banging doors. Do you understand that, mister Costello? Yes, mister Niles. But I think it's only fair to warn you that my portailloid pants
[00:16:50] Unknown:
squeak a
[00:16:56] Unknown:
little.
[00:17:01] Unknown:
Well, Catella, got a nice hot fire going in the fireplace. Hand me that knife, and we'll get the pig ready for the Bobby. Come on.
[00:17:09] Unknown:
Alright, Catella. Grab the pig, and, let's get it over with. What what what what you have it what you have it? What you have it? We can't kill this little pig. Why not? Look at the way he's looking at us with those little brown eyes. Yeah. But did you hear that? Abbott. What? He said that,
[00:17:33] Unknown:
dad. That's gotta watch out.
[00:17:35] Unknown:
Get out. Uh-uh. He slipped out of my arm. Where where did he go? I think he ran under the bed. Well, call under the bed and get him out. Okay. Hey. What was that? I think I knocked over my piggy guy. Come on out of here piggy. Here piggy. Here, little piggy. Oh my goodness. Who is it? I can't believe, missus Niles. Oh. Holy smokes. We can hide the piggy and have it. Where will we find it? Wait a minute. Put him in the dresser drawer. Oh, open that door. Just a minute, missus Niles. We're dressing. Yeah. Hurry up, Cussle, and get that pig in the drawer. Yeah. Alright. Alright. Yeah. But look at that. Isn't that cute? He's trying to get into my pajamas.
[00:18:22] Unknown:
I'm not big. Hey. Coming, missus Niles.
[00:18:26] Unknown:
Oh, hello, missus Niles. Don't hello me. Goodbye, missus Niles. Oh, what's all the screaming and noise going on here? We were just rehearsing a play. What play? Pygmalion. Oh, What's the matter with missus Isles? Oh, those are drawers. What about them? They're mine. They're they're crawling out the dresser drawer. They're still mine.
[00:18:51] Unknown:
That's why I put worms. They're staying over you. Blow it up on
[00:18:55] Unknown:
me. Mister Coppell, I demand it on what you have in that drawer. Well, missus Miles, I guess we might as well confess. We became so attached to missus Martin's little baby that we probably would keep it here for a little while. Oh, now isn't that sweet? I thought it was a steal. Yeah. But you better take him back for missus Martin. Won't worry. Good as that sounded like a pig. Oh, no. That's a that was a baby. He has too much iron in his throat. Iron? Yeah. Pig Oh, oh, I see it all now. You do have a pig in that drawer. Why of all the nerves? How dare you bring a pig into this apartment? Here. Give me that pig. I'm throwing it out. You just said it. Wait a minute, mister Brown. You can't throw my pig out. He's all I have left in the world.
Whenever anyone else pawns me, I can always throw my troubles tomorrow. Okay? You'll give me that dirty pig. I'll get rid of them in a hurry. Oi. Oi. Wait. Missus Niles, please wait. I can't throw this little pig out now. And why not? Didn't you hear what the little pig told you? No. What? Mother.
Hello. It is Ryan, and I was on a flight the other day playing one of my favorite social spin slot games on chumbacasino.com. I looked over the person sitting next to me, and you know what they were doing? They were also playing Chumba casino. Coincidence? I think not. Everybody's loving having fun with it. Chumba Casino is home to hundreds of casino style games that you can play for free anytime, anywhere, even at 30,000 feet. So sign up now at chumbacasino.com to claim your free welcome bonus at chumba casino dot com and live the Chumba life. No purchase necessary. PVW report where prohibited by laws. See terms and conditions 18 plus.
[00:00:31] Unknown:
Step into the world of power, loyalty, and luck I'm gonna make him an offer he can't refuse. With family, cannolis, and spins mean everything. Now you wanna get mixed up in the family business. Business. Introducing The Godfather at champacasino.com. Test your luck in the shadowy world of The Godfather slot. Someday, I will call upon you to do a service for me. Play The Godfather now at champacasino.com.
[00:00:59] Unknown:
Welcome to the family. No purchase necessary. VGW Group. We were prohibited by law. 18 plus. Terms and conditions apply. Hey, Godzilla. Cut here. What are you doing with those harmless overhauls in Strawhat? We haven't. What? I've been working on a monopoly service farm, and I hope I never see the place again. Well, what's the matter? All I did for two weeks was milk cows. That's not hard work. No. But every time I shake hands now, I shake a finger at a time. I offer you.
[00:01:24] Unknown:
What? Do what?
[00:01:27] Unknown:
Do what? Do Do what? Do all your uncle cows give milk? Oh, cows don't give milk. No. You gotta take it away from our wife, boss. Why? What kind of cows are they? Old fiends? Oh, no. They're new cows. They're half steams. No. No. No. No. No. Does he have any Jersey cows? I don't know. I just need a license plate yet. I tell her you don't know the first thing about milking a cow. Hold on. You don't. I said no. The The first thing you do is try to pull the cow out of the back. Throw the cow out of the back? Yeah. And what for? Soda cream will be on top of the morning. Hey. You know, my uncle Ives Evans loves this cow. He does? He has a phonograph that plays music well while you're looking to cow. Now don't be silly. What music could you play for a cow? Sweet rosy o grade eight. K. All Look, I Look. I I got Stella. Never mind the cows. What else did you do on the farm? Cut the chicken. I got it in the egg. Hey. You know what's happening? What? There was one hen out there that laid a egg weighing 14 pounds. A hen laid an egg weighing 14 pounds? That's remarkable. What's remarkable about it? What else could she do with it? Look.
[00:02:40] Unknown:
I still can't believe that a hen could lay an egg weighing 14 pounds. Well, I read where the mayor of New York laid a five foot cornerstone. Oh, look.
[00:02:49] Unknown:
Never mind that. I'm a wrecker. Yeah. I know you are.
[00:02:53] Unknown:
Gacela, how about the crops? Did you have anything to do with the crops? Oh, I suck crops every night. No. No. No. No. No. No. I mean, I need your help with the planting. Did you, sow the seed? Did I what? I said, did you sow the seed? Oh, I can even always rip. Oh, what a dope. When I say sow, I don't mean sow, s e w. I mean sow, s o w, sow. Sow what? Sow what? Sow the seed. You see, you've got to sow the seed before you reap it. You sow the seed first and reap it later. What kind of pork is that?
[00:03:22] Unknown:
I used to reap my seed first and then my mother would sell it later.
[00:03:27] Unknown:
When I say reap, I don't mean reap like rip when you rip. I mean I mean reap like you reap when you sow.
[00:03:34] Unknown:
When you say reap, just like you reap when you reap. You don't mean reap like reap when you reap. You mean reap like you reap when you reap instead of ripping when you reap when you sow. Now you have got it.
[00:03:47] Unknown:
I don't even know what I'm talking what salary did you get from your uncle? I've got $3 when it don't rain. And, what did you get when it rains? I get what? You don't? No. No. No. You mean that's all that's all you got for working on the farm? No, Abbot. He sold me a pig for a dollar, my uncle did. He did? All I gotta do is feed him, and then next winter, I'll sell him for a dollar. You paid wait a minute. You paid a dollar for a pig and after feeding him, you're going to sell him next winter for a dollar? That's right. But you can't make money that way. But I have to use to the pig all summer.
[00:04:18] Unknown:
Oh. I will have it. I got the pig with me. Come here, little buddy. Come here, Clyde. Wait. Wait. Hey. Hey. Hey. Wait.
[00:04:42] Unknown:
Hey, Abbott. What? This is the smartest little pig you ever saw. Here, little piggy. Dance with Abbott. Well, Donald, get him out of here. I'm not dancing with any pig. What were you doing last night at the Palladium? That was my wife. I I I sell it. I sell it. Just a minute. Where did you get this thing? Did you get it out of a litter? Yeah. When I
[00:05:02] Unknown:
what did you say? Did you get this thing out of a litter? Certainly not. How could a pig get into a litter? The envelope wouldn't be big enough.
[00:05:10] Unknown:
Oh, I know that. I know they don't have pigs in the mailbox.
[00:05:14] Unknown:
No? Then why do they have litter carriers? I love one.
[00:05:19] Unknown:
Let let let me see that trade, Cartella. Well,
[00:05:22] Unknown:
he's a little short, isn't he? He? No. He's a chauffeur. He's just as wrong as the other pig.
[00:05:27] Unknown:
Nutella, where do you think you're going to keep that pig? Have you got a pen for that, porker? I beg your pardon? I say have you got a pen for that porker? No. But I got a porker pen. Porker pen?
[00:05:38] Unknown:
I got a porker pen. Porker pen. I fill up with oint.
[00:05:48] Unknown:
Stop going like an idiot and get that dirty thing out of here. I don't like swine. You don't like swine? No. Then why don't you drink swatter?
[00:05:56] Unknown:
What a glass of smoke. Yeah. Never mind. Maybe you like a smoke or a smoke? Never mind. Where are you going to keep that pee?
[00:06:02] Unknown:
Where you gonna keep that pig? Under the bed. Under the bed. Now that is in sanitary. Oh, the pig will get used to it. Well, I'll see you later, Ed. Where are you going? I I gotta take the pig out for a walk. For a walk? Yeah. How in heaven's name do you walk a pig? That tame as you walk a dog. Only you keep walking.
[00:06:32] Unknown:
Alright, buddy. Get up off that bench.
[00:06:35] Unknown:
Oh, yeah. Oh, oh, it's you always, mister Smith. Oy, mister Eric, what are you doing sleeping on a park bench? Oh, that dumb Costello, brought a pig home and we got kicked out of our apartment down. Now where is that tote? Costello.
[00:06:49] Unknown:
Costello. I'm over here. Now I'm over here. I I I was over there. I was washing my station, a wash station. That's not a wash station. That's a bird bath. No wonder those woodpeckers put these lumps on my head. Never mind that. Where did you get that, yellow beret? That's not a yellow beret. One of those woodpeckers had a bomb sight. He dropped the name. I guess the yoke is on me. Yeah. Alright. I'll I'll we gotta find ourselves in apartments. But first, we've we've got to have some breakfast. Gotta have some breakfast? Yeah. Well, I'll tell you when we do have it. What? We'll have a little breakfast. You know what I'll do? What? I'm gonna I'll climb up the tree and I'll catch a squirrel. How's that? A squirrel? Yeah. Well, how'd that affect Don't be silly. How could you catch a squirrel? Geez. I just climb up with a tree and make a noise like a nut. Oh, please. We just don't
[00:07:38] Unknown:
talk, Sam, and fold up those newspapers.
[00:07:40] Unknown:
Would you please fold up those newspapers? Okay. I'll fold them up. We may need them, for cover again tonight. Mommy, I'm not sleeping on any more newspapers tonight. Last night, I slept on the comic section. I can get a wink of sleep. Why not? Diet Smith kept getting me up all night to answer the phone.
[00:07:58] Unknown:
It's alright. Come on. Let's get out of the park and find a place to
[00:08:02] Unknown:
live. Yeah. That's what what's the like your little buddy? It's a little pig. I I leave that pig here. Come on. Come on, piggy. We'll go find apartment.
[00:08:10] Unknown:
Hey. There's a real estate officer. Let's go in. Okay.
[00:08:15] Unknown:
Good morning, gentlemen. What can I do for you? I would like to rent a three room apartment. You would like to rent a three room apartment? You would like to rent a three room apartment? You mad, silly, impetuous boy, you. All I wanna do is rent an apartment. All you wanna do is rent an apartment. Why don't you ask me for a date with my wife? Okay. But once thing at a time.
[00:08:41] Unknown:
Come on, Costello. Let's try somewhere else. Hey, Costello. What? We'll find a phone and call up another real estate office. Hey. There's a grocery store over here on the corner. Come on.
[00:08:58] Unknown:
Good old Hollywood and fine.
[00:09:01] Unknown:
Alright. Let's go to the grocery store. Affirm me. Do you have a telephone? Step aside, you two. Alright, man. Right this way. Forward, Mott.
[00:09:12] Unknown:
Company, Mott.
[00:09:15] Unknown:
Hey. What's going on here? Hey. What's the idea of these guards in a grocery store? They're delivering a quarter of a pound of butter. Right. Never mind that. Get on the phone and see if you can get in this spot. Okay.
[00:09:30] Unknown:
Well, is this Finnegan, O'Brien, Flanagan, and Murphy real estate company? I'd like to talk to Finnegan, O'Brien, Flanagan, and Murphy. Boy, have you got the wrong number? Hello, mister Abbott and mister Costello. What are you doing in this neighborhood? It as a lovely actress, especially Mamuche. We're looking for a place to live, mister, MuJo. Oh, the housing shortage is exasperating. I have an aunt who's been forced to move into a nasty old truck on the other side of the railroad truck. Railroad truck? Oh, sure, Abbot. You know what railroad trucks are. That's where the Chow Chow prune runs on. Who's a Chow Chow prune? No. They wrote a song about it. The interesting paprika and a swoop of poo.
My goodness, Costello. What is that under your coat? Is that a hog? No. It isn't a hog. That's a baby poop. Miss Mitchell, do you know where you can get an apartment, please? I think missus Niles has a vacancy. Well, a cheerio and a pipette studio and a cherry pie and a La Brea carte fix for you too.
[00:10:35] Unknown:
Man, come on, Costello. Let's get over to missus Miles and see about that apartment. Hey. Hey. Hey. Look who's coming up the street. Our old friend, Millinhead. Hello, boy. Hello, mister Millinhead. Hey. We're looking for an apartment. We got no place to live. Well, you're just the boys I'm looking for. I've got a room for you out on my rent. All I ask, Costello, is that you do a little work to pay for the rent. And what do I have to do? It's very simple. The first thing you do is roll out of bed at 04:00 in the morning. You milk 20 or 30 cows, punch a few bells of water from the well, chop down a couple of feet for firewood, feed the chickens and goats, and, bingo, you're ready for breakfast. And could I have a little sack of hollow five acres of ground, dig a couple of sacks of potatoes, then you run over to the barn and pitch a few tons of hay, then you skip into the orchids, pick 50 to 60 barrels of apples, toss them and crate them. You spread three waggles of fertilizer over the onion set, and single, you're ready for lunch. I'll just have a truffle of soda. I don't wanna waste any
[00:11:30] Unknown:
time. It's much faster.
[00:11:32] Unknown:
Alright. Fine. Now right after lunch, Costello, you get your shovel. You dig a drainage ditch around the farm, repair all the fences, pierce the salad, churn the butter, thrash the wheat, spray the tomatoes, prune the trees, trim the hedges, weed the cabbage, feed the cabbage hat, fill all the lanterns, spread down the cows, curry the horses, and, zingo, you're ready for supper. Gee. All I do is eat. Now, after supper, Catello, after supper, you hit up the buggy and take my daughter for a ride in the moonlight. She's a gorgeous, captivating redhead with lily white skin and ruby lips. You drive down the lane, you hold her hands, and you're suddenly the horse stops. She moves over close to you. You put your arm around her waist. She put her head on your shoulder, and then do you know what you do? Pico, I'm ready for lunch. Well, here's missus Niles' apartment building. Well, let's find out about that empty apartment. Come on. Come on, piggy. Oink. Oink. Wait a minute, Costello. You can't take that pig inside. Yeah. But I can't leave the poor little pig out here on the street. He's a stranger in town. He won't have anybody to talk to. Are you trying to tell me that pig can talk? Oh, sure he can talk. Take a piggy. Oink. Point this here, you Eli.
[00:12:35] Unknown:
See?
[00:12:36] Unknown:
That's pig wax. Oh, come on. Stop this silliness. Look. What do you want the pig for anyway? I'm hungry, Abbot. I told you to cook it for dinner. But if missus Mayles sees that pig, she won't let us have the apartment. I'll put the pig up under the back of my clothes. But it'll make a boat? On me. Who's gonna notice another boat? I oh, alright. Let's knock on missus Niles' dog. Come on.
[00:12:58] Unknown:
Oh, my goodness. Mister Abbott and mister Costello, I wasn't expecting anyone. I have not even dressed. My hair looks so bright. I I have a pigtail in back. Yes. Well, now I've got a pigtail in back too. What? Actually, I think pigtails are coming back, don't you? Here I am. Tell me why, Costello. Miss Niles, we understand you have a vacant apartment and we'd like to move red, please. What? I should have Costello living in one of my apartments. Why, ten minutes after he moved in, it would look like a pig pen. Who told you? Yes.
Client, Costello. Miss Niles, Costello isn't really a bad fella. Yes, mister Niles. Everybody says I have a heart attack as a watermelon. Yes. And you have a stomach to match. Yeah. Just come here, mister Niles. One way to get that confirmed about my appearance. Get a load of those long ears of yours. You better stay in the house next week. Stay in the house. What's going on? It's the opening of the rabbit hockey season. Would you stop the Castello? Missus Niles, please let us have in your pocket. If you do, I'll promise that Castello will will make no trouble whatsoever. Oh, very well. I'll get the keys. Wait. Wait. Why? What was that? I I got a little heart. I mean, I mean, I got a frog in my throat. Costello, what is that sticking out in the back of your coat? Oh, that those are my ribs.
Ribs? I never saw anybody's ribs stick out like that. Those are my spare ribs. I don't know. There's something fishy going on here. I'll be back in a few minutes. You see, cuss, dawg? We almost caught you. Now you can't sneak that pig in a out of your coat. You know that. Oh, wait a minute. Have a look. There's a nurse taking a baby out of that baby buggy. Maybe we can borrow the buggy. I'll speak to her. Pardon me, madam. Is that your baby? No. This is missus mom's day. I'm the baby's nurse. Hi. What a beautiful baby. Would you like to hold the baby in your arm? Would I? Oh. Costello.
You're not holding the baby or ruining the nurse. You hold what you like to not hold. Look, miss. We'd like to borrow your baby carriage. Oh, do you have a baby? Yes. I do. I have I have it on my back under my coat. What's the baby doing there? You like the right piggyback? I never heard of carrying a baby on your back. Well, I'm quite Indian. Well, I'm taking missus Martin's baby upstairs now so you can borrow the buggy, but I have to have it back in half an hour. I have to take the baby out for some more fresh air. Oh, there's nothing like fresh air to build you up. You must have spent a lot of time in the open.
[00:15:35] Unknown:
Well, I'll I'll be seeing you guys later. Bye bye. Sorry. Hey. Quick, Priscilla. What? Get the pig in the baby bucket before missus Niles comes back. Come on. Hey. I can hardly wait till we get this pig in the apartment and and we can start cooking it. Why am I hungry? Yeah. I can taste those pork chops now. Hey. Quick. Here comes missus Niles. Pin that blanket up around the pig's head. Hurry up. Okay. Okay. Well, boys, I have the keys. Oh,
[00:15:55] Unknown:
who have you got there in the boogie? Missus Martin's baby? Yes. Yes. Yes. We're reminding him for his nurse. Oh, I must be the little darling. Oh, my word. Look at that blanket up around the poor thing's head on a hot day like this. Where the poor thing will be bacon? Yes. Any minute. My. Just look at the nose on that child. I don't like the dumpster, but he's got a nose just like his father. Well, here are the keys to the apartment. And, miss Hatzello, I want you to remember the rules of this building. First, there'll be no cooking in the apartment. Secondly, there'll be no noise, no parties, no dancing, no singing, no playing the radio after 09:00, no loud talking, no heavy walking in the halls, and no banging doors. Do you understand that, mister Costello? Yes, mister Niles. But I think it's only fair to warn you that my portailloid pants
[00:16:50] Unknown:
squeak a
[00:16:56] Unknown:
little.
[00:17:01] Unknown:
Well, Catella, got a nice hot fire going in the fireplace. Hand me that knife, and we'll get the pig ready for the Bobby. Come on.
[00:17:09] Unknown:
Alright, Catella. Grab the pig, and, let's get it over with. What what what what you have it what you have it? What you have it? We can't kill this little pig. Why not? Look at the way he's looking at us with those little brown eyes. Yeah. But did you hear that? Abbott. What? He said that,
[00:17:33] Unknown:
dad. That's gotta watch out.
[00:17:35] Unknown:
Get out. Uh-uh. He slipped out of my arm. Where where did he go? I think he ran under the bed. Well, call under the bed and get him out. Okay. Hey. What was that? I think I knocked over my piggy guy. Come on out of here piggy. Here piggy. Here, little piggy. Oh my goodness. Who is it? I can't believe, missus Niles. Oh. Holy smokes. We can hide the piggy and have it. Where will we find it? Wait a minute. Put him in the dresser drawer. Oh, open that door. Just a minute, missus Niles. We're dressing. Yeah. Hurry up, Cussle, and get that pig in the drawer. Yeah. Alright. Alright. Yeah. But look at that. Isn't that cute? He's trying to get into my pajamas.
[00:18:22] Unknown:
I'm not big. Hey. Coming, missus Niles.
[00:18:26] Unknown:
Oh, hello, missus Niles. Don't hello me. Goodbye, missus Niles. Oh, what's all the screaming and noise going on here? We were just rehearsing a play. What play? Pygmalion. Oh, What's the matter with missus Isles? Oh, those are drawers. What about them? They're mine. They're they're crawling out the dresser drawer. They're still mine.
[00:18:51] Unknown:
That's why I put worms. They're staying over you. Blow it up on
[00:18:55] Unknown:
me. Mister Coppell, I demand it on what you have in that drawer. Well, missus Miles, I guess we might as well confess. We became so attached to missus Martin's little baby that we probably would keep it here for a little while. Oh, now isn't that sweet? I thought it was a steal. Yeah. But you better take him back for missus Martin. Won't worry. Good as that sounded like a pig. Oh, no. That's a that was a baby. He has too much iron in his throat. Iron? Yeah. Pig Oh, oh, I see it all now. You do have a pig in that drawer. Why of all the nerves? How dare you bring a pig into this apartment? Here. Give me that pig. I'm throwing it out. You just said it. Wait a minute, mister Brown. You can't throw my pig out. He's all I have left in the world.
Whenever anyone else pawns me, I can always throw my troubles tomorrow. Okay? You'll give me that dirty pig. I'll get rid of them in a hurry. Oi. Oi. Wait. Missus Niles, please wait. I can't throw this little pig out now. And why not? Didn't you hear what the little pig told you? No. What? Mother.
Introduction and Casino Anecdote
The Godfather Slot Game
Farm Life and Milking Cows
Pig Business and Apartment Hunt
Real Estate Adventures
Farm Work and Daughter's Date
Sneaking the Pig into the Apartment
The Pig's Fate and Mrs. Niles' Visit
