In this episode, we dive into the comedic chaos of classic sketches and humorous exchanges. We start with a playful game of "Who's on First?" where the confusion over baseball player names leads to a hilarious back-and-forth. The comedy continues with a series of hunting stories, where Costello shares his exaggerated and absurd adventures in the wild, including encounters with lions, elephants, and even a talking hermit disguised as a lion.
As the episode unfolds, we are treated to a mix of slapstick humor and witty banter, showcasing the timeless appeal of Abbott and Costello's comedy. From mistaken identities to clever wordplay, this episode is a delightful journey through classic comedy routines that have entertained audiences for generations. Join us for a laugh-filled exploration of these iconic sketches and the comedic genius behind them.
(00:00) Introduction and Chumba Casino
(01:02) Baseball Team's Confusing Names
(06:36) Abbott and Costello's Hunting Adventures
(12:06) Meeting at the Hunting Lodge
(16:39) The Lion Hunt
(23:04) Costello's Heroic Return
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[00:00:01]
Unknown:
Okay. Round two. Name something that's not boring.
[00:00:05] Unknown:
A laundry? Oh, a book club. Computer solitaire.
[00:00:12] Unknown:
Sorry. We were looking for Chumba Casino. Chumba. That's right. Chumbacasino.com has over a hundred casino style games. Join today and play for free for your chance to redeem some serious prizes. Chumbacasino.com. Hello. It is Ryan. And we could all use an extra bright spot in our day, couldn't we? Just to make up for things like sitting in traffic, doing the dishes, counting your steps, you know, all the mundane stuff. That is why I'm such a big fan of Chumba Casino. Chumba Casino has all your favorite social casino style games that you can play for free anytime, anywhere with daily bonuses. That should brighten your day low. Actually, a lot. So sign up now at chumbacasino.com.
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[00:00:59] Unknown:
No purchase necessary. VW, avoid work permit by law. See terms and conditions 18 plus. Hey, Evan. Yes, Gastelum? Are you the manager of this baseball team? Yes. Well, now that I'm down here for spring training, I would like to know some of the guys' names on a team. So when I meet them on a street or in a ballpark, I'll be able to say hello to them. Well, naturally, I'll introduce you to the boys and the regular ones of boys we have. But, you know, strange as it may seem, they give these ballplayers nowadays better to give you names. Honey names. Yes. Nicknames. Pet names. You know, like Dizzy Dean. In front of Daffy. Daffy Dean. I'm their cousin. Now what's your first name? Who? That's what I thought. Let's see what we have on the bags. We have who's on first, what's on second, I don't know who's on third. That's what I wanna find out. And then I say who's on first, what's on second, I don't know who's on third. Wait a minute. Are you the manager? Yeah. You know the guy's name? Well, I should. Who's on first? That's right. I mean the fellas name. Who? The guy on first. Who? The fella on first. Who was on first? What are you asking me for? I'm not asking you. I'm telling you. Who was on first? Well, go ahead and tell me. That's the man's name. That's whose name? Yes. Have you got a contract with the first baseman? Most certainly. Who signed the contract? Well, not sure. You wouldn't expect anybody else to sign it. But who? Yes. Look, when you pay off the first baseman every month, who gets the money? Every dollar of it. He does. Oh, absolutely.
All I'm trying to find out is what is the guy's name on first base? Oh, now wait a minute. Let's straighten that out. What is on Second Base? Who's on Second Base? Who is on first? One base at a time. I know, but don't change the players around. I'm not changing anybody. I only wanna know what's the guy's name on First Base. But I'm telling you what is on Second. I'm not asking you who's on Second. Who is on first? That's what I wanna find out. I know, but who is who and what is what. Don't change it. Look. That don't mean nothing to me. All I wanna know is what's the guy's name on First Base. But what is on Second Base? Who's on Second Base? Who is on First? I don't know. Oh, he's on Third. We're not talking about him. How did I get on third base? Well, you mentioned his name. If I mentioned a third base his name, who did I say is playing third? No. Who is playing first? Not on line first. I'm gonna know what's the guy's name on third base. But what's on second? Who's on second? Who is on first? I don't know. He's on third. There I go. Back on third again. Oh, I can't change the name. Let's you and I stay on third base. Now Now what do you wanna know? Now who is playing third base? Why do you insist on putting who on third base? Who am I putting on third base? Yes. But we don't want them there. You don't want who there? No. So what's the guy's name belong there? No. What belongs on Second? Who's on Second? Who is on First? I don't know. Third Base. I can't talk. You got outfield. That's right. The left fielder's name. Why?
I don't know. I just thought I'd ask you. Well, I just thought I'd say. Then tell me who's playing left field? Oh, no. Who is playing first? What's on first? What's on second? I don't know. Third base. Let's field this man. Why? Because. Oh, he's center field. You've got a you've got a pitcher on the team. Wouldn't this be a fine team without a pitcher? The pitcher's name. Tamara. You don't wanna tell me today? I'm telling you, man. Go ahead. Tamara. What time? What time what? What time tomorrow you're gonna tell me who's pitching? Now listen. Who is not pitching? Who is I'll break your rhyme you say who's on first. Go ahead and have it I wanna know what's the pitcher's name. What's on second? I don't know. Third base. You got a catcher? Absolutely. The catcher's name. Today. Today. And tomorrow's pitching now you've got that's all we got a couple of days on the team. Well, I can't help that you know. I'm a catcher too. I know that now I'll get behind the plate. I'll do some fancy catching and tomorrow's pitching on my team. The heavy hitter gets up tomorrow throws the ball and the guy up bunched the ball Now when he punched the ball, me being a good catcher, I wanna throw the guy out of first base. So I pick up the ball and throw it to who? Now that's the first thing you've said right. I don't even know what I'm talking about.
Is to throw at the first base. So? Who's got it? Naturally. Oh, naturally got it. No. No. No. No. Who's got it? Naturally. That's right. Well, that's what I said. That's right. Now I pick up the ball and I throw it to natural. No. No. You throw it to who? Naturally. That's right. That's what I said. That's what I said. That's what I heard it say. That's right. Now I pick up the ball and I throw it to hold. That's right. Whoever it is drops the ball and the guy runs the second. Mhmm. Who picks up the ball and throws it to what? What closes? I don't know. I don't know. It throws it back to tomorrow. A triple play. Yeah. I'm not at night. It's not me. It's a long fly ball for because.
Why? I don't know. He's on third and I don't give a darn. What was that? I said I don't give a darn. Oh, that's our short stop. Oh, I'm a very bad boy. C That's right folks. That's right folks. A for comedy. A for Abbott. M for Maxwell. E for Ennis. L for Lou Costello. Yes. They spell camel. Your taste will tell you about camel's rich full flavor. Your throat will welcome camel's cool mildness. So draw up a chair for tonight's show starring Bud Abbott and Lou Costello. Yeah. This to me, please. Did you go hunting with your uncle Arty Stebbins last Saturday? What'd you say? I say did you go hunting with your uncle Arty Stebbins last Saturday? Yeah. And a terrible thing happened. A great big bear sneak up behind us, grabbed uncle Arty's gun out of his hands and stuck it in his back. What did uncle Artie do? What could he do? He married the bear's daughter. Never mind that. Did you see any did you see any big game? I saw a giraffe, but I didn't shoot him. He had a sore throat. Well, there's nothing worse than a giraffe with a sore throat. Oh, yes. There is. What? A centipede with corns.
You dummy. I didn't think you'd ever I didn't think you ever went hunting in your life, and I don't believe you did. I'll bet you haven't even got a hunting license. I have too. Here it is. Wait Wait a minute. Wait a minute. There's no hunting license. This is a picture of Eddie Lamar. You hunt what you like and I'll hunt what I like. You, hunt a boy, that's ridiculous. Oh, yeah. My brother and I, we used to hunt alligators. Alligators? Yeah. One time an alligator was just about to attack my brother-in-law. I fired off both barrels of my trusty rifle. Did you kill the alligator? See the swallow? Genuine alligator? Nope. Genuine brother-in-law. I nonsense. Come here. Look at this. You see this picture? Now I tapped all these rabbits last winter. Now how many would you say there are? 876.
That's exactly right. Wait a minute. How did you guess it? Oh, I just count the legs and divide by four. Costello, have you ever been in Africa in Africa on, safari? No. But I've been in New York on safari. A safari in New York? Yes. Staten Island safari. And also the Hoboken safari. Oh, now come on. That's ridiculous. There's lots of safaris around there. Hey. Listen to me though. You should have been with me on my elephant now. Oh, there I was surrounded by elephants. One big bull elephant started towards me. I said to myself, I'm trapped. Abbot you're trapped. Should I run or stand here and shoot the bull? You've been doing alright up to now. Alright. Alright.
Well, I shot you. Yeah. Elephant fell and broke a tusk. Broke a what? A tusk. Tust. Tust. Tust. Tust. Tust. Tust. Tust. Tust. Tust. Tust. Tust. Tust. Tust. Tust. Tust. Tust. Tust. Tust. Tust. Tust. Tust. You two and a couple of poo. A We use 50,000 elephants a year just to make billiard balls. My. How do they train those big clumsy beasts to do such delicate work? I can see you I can see you know nothing about elephants. I once fell hunted elephants in India with an old acquaintance of mine, and an elephant sat on them. Someday I gotta go back there. Why? To scrape up an old acquaintance? Yeah. Yeah. But did you ever shoot a zebra? Yes. I did. Could I have that zebra skin? Oh, what do you want with a zebra skin? My aunt Minnie is in Alcatraz, and she needs a new fur coat. No. That's silly, Costello. However, I have a stuffed that rhinoceros you can have. Of course, you know what a rhinoceros is, don't you? Oh, sure. That's a hippopotamus with a red eater cap. No.
Come on out there. I know you're breathing. Alright. Westella, this is the last week of the big game hunting season. Now tomorrow, I'm going hunting in the High Sierras, and I'd like you to come along with me. Oh, gee. Thanks, Abbot. Say you've done a lot of hunting. What do they call those little flies that buzz around the animals? Nats. I asked you a civil question. What do they call those little flies? Gnats. Gnats. And that's to you too, brother. Oh, no. No. You don't. Gnats are the flies that annoy the animals. Of course, some of them have ticks. Why don't you take the ticks and give those flies a good trashing? I I didn't say sticks. I said ticks. For instance, there's deer sticks. The deer ticks? There's certainly deer ticks. Who want them up? Oh, nobody want them up. And what makes them tick? Somebody must have slipped the groon in his groon. Stella, when I say listen, please. When I say deer ticks, I don't mean the deer ticks. I mean deer ticks. Abbot, let me smell your breath. Oh, come on, please. More sense. Deer has ticks and the ticks bother the deer. They used to bother me when I went to school. Ticks bothered you in school? Yeah. Arithmetic, mathematics, and what time a tick got me in trouble with the teacher? Oh, now wait a minute. How could a tick get you in trouble with the teacher? I ticked my tongue out at the teacher and she twanced the tweed of my plow with a twat.
Yeah. Thank you. Doctor. Lo, I'm I'm talking about animal tics. Tics. Hundreds of animals in the woods have tics. That must be a pretty sound when hundreds of animals get together and they all start ticking at once. No. No. Listen. Gautsello, listen to me. Deer have tics. Elks have tics. And one time my father shot a moose with tics. Now do you know what I'm talking about? Sure. Your father's moose sticks. I know. That's that's good. That's Stella. You're getting more stupid every day. I don't know what to do with you. I don't know what to say to you. I've tried and I've tried to improve your mind, but I just can't seem to get anywhere. Why don't you face it, Abbot? You're a failure. Well, here I am, Abbott, and I'm all ready to go hunting with you up in the mountain. That's fine, Costello. How is your hunting equipment? I got the best, Abbott. Look. Cornell Wild's old address book. Go ahead. Costello. Honey, hunting is a serious sport. Now suppose you came face to face with a big brewing. What would you do? Asking for a ticket to the Rose Bowl game.
You know, Marilyn Maxwell and, Skinny Annis are going to meet us at the hunting lodge, and I hope you brought something along. I did. I brought a quart of bourbon in case somebody gets a chills. What are you bringing, Abbot? The chills. Costello, did you bring a gun? Oh, yes. Here it is. This is my sawed off shotgun. Wait a minute. Where is the handle? How do you like that? I sawed off the wrong end. Yeah. Come on, Costella. Marilyn was getting out waiting for us at the hundred lodge in the mountains. Let's go. I am fat, flabby, and flat headed. No. No. Wait a minute. Don't insult Costello Skinny. Don't be a pill. Skinny ain't no pill. He's too long and narrow.
Well, thank you, Costello. You're a capsule. You're a funny looking hunter, Skinny. Do you know anything about guns? I know guns inside and out. My man, when I was a kid with the circus, they used to shoot me out of an air rifle. What do you know about that? What do you know about hunting Costello? Have you seen that big bear rug in my living home? Sure. Well, I shot that bear myself. What a battle. It was either me or the bear. I'm glad it was the bear. You'd make an awful lumpy rug.
[00:13:06] Unknown:
Hey, look, Crystal. Here comes Marilyn Maxwell. Hi, boys. And hello, Lois Lewis, honey. My chubby little chuckling chipmunk. Oh, Marilyn.
[00:13:15] Unknown:
My sugar coated sharpshooter. Plug me with a buckshot of your kisses.
[00:13:21] Unknown:
Lewis, honey. How do you like my hunting outfit? Saks Fifth Avenue.
[00:13:26] Unknown:
Get a load of mine. Army surplus.
[00:13:32] Unknown:
Oh, Louis. It's gonna be fun hunting with you. What's your favorite wild game? Post office. Louis. Louis. Post office isn't the wild game. It is the way I play it. Ah, Louis. My little snowman. Come melt in my arms. Hey, Marilyn.
[00:13:52] Unknown:
When I'm close to you like this, I just can't seem to break away. Why not? My nose is caught in the trigger of your shotgun.
[00:14:02] Unknown:
Well, Louis, if you'll excuse me, I'll go up to the hunting lodge and freshen up. As they say in Spanish, manana olla no ches to you. And your mama's own nice shirt to you too.
[00:14:14] Unknown:
Hey, Costello. Costello. Look up on that mountain top. Now there's a mother stork and two little storks. Here, habit. Can I ask you a question? Certainly. When the mama stork talks things over with the little storks, who does she say brings the babies? Help. Help. Big pun, scrumptious. You're a skinny ombre in your party? Yes. There is. Why? Well, you better go over there and get him. A gopher. Just drag him down into its hole. Who are you, stranger? I'm the game warden. Yeah? What's your game warden? You wanna know my game, partner? I'll tell you. It's far cheesy. But being up here in the wild country so much, I trained three little skunks to play bridge with me. Is it a steep game? No. We only play for a tenth of a cent.
Warren, we're after some big game. Have you seen any hereabouts? Hereabouts? Hereabouts? Haven't. I thought we came up here to shoot deer. I wouldn't shoot a poor little hereabouts for anything in the world. Anybody that will shoot a little hereabouts and make a widow out of a she abouts ought to be a fan of themselves. Oh, shut up, you idiot. How about it, warden? Is there any big game around here? Well, there's a ferocious mountain lion that has been terrorizing the countryside. He's been killing the farmer's chickens, and he's even been stealing eggs. At the price eggs are now, I don't blame him. That's a reward of a thousand dollars to the man that gets that mountain lion. One of you boys ought to trap him. Which one of us would you suggest? Why don't you try, Tubby? You got the biggest trap.
Hey. Who are those guys? That's the Nebraska football team. Now remember, if you shoot that line, I'll give you a thousand dollars for a skin. I needed to make stockings. What kind of stockings can you make out of blind skin? Nylon stockings. So long, lord head. Hey. Hey. You hear that, fellas? The line's just north of us. Which way south, come here, you coward. You're afraid. You're not afraid to take this chance. You understand? Yeah. Now take this cane. You see it? Yeah. The lion won't bite you if you're carrying a cane. Yeah. But how fast do I have to be carrying a cane? I ain't looking around with no lines, Abbot. The last time I saw a line was in the Adirondack Mountains. What happened? I snapped at the line, then the line snapped at me, and then something whizzed past. What was it? Kansas City.
Quiet. I hear something. Listen. I love you. Ouch. I love you. Ouch. I love you. Ouch. I love you. Ouch. I love you. Ouch. I love you. Ouch. I love love you. Ouch. Marcella, what was that? Two porcupines necking. Alright, Castello. Alright. Now take it easy, kid. I'm right in back of you. Don't worry about me. Here's the mouth of a cave. Now go in there. That's a pal for you. I let you go and get the lion tonight. You you want me to go and get the lion? Certainly. I'm your friend. Why don't you go and get the lion? Oh, what do you mean? You want me to go in? I have a family. Oh, what I got? Never mind what you've got. You go ahead and get that lion. Okay. I mean, what's the matter? You scared? Look at you. Your knees are docket. I always knock before I enter a cave.
I'll take it easy. Buck up, Costello. And remember, make the lion believe you're not afraid of them. I couldn't be that deceitful. You've got to think of those poor people who've lost their cattle and their chickens and their eggs on account of that lion. How can you face them, Costello? Think of it. How can you face them? When they may be starving. How can I face that lion? He may be starving too.
[00:18:27] Unknown:
Oh, there you are, Louis, honey. I'm so proud of you. I know you're going in that cave and kill that lion just for me.
[00:18:35] Unknown:
I am? Yes. And Louis, honey, I'd do anything for you. Why Why I climb the highest mountain, I'd swim the deepest river. How do you like that? Here I am facing death death and this dame is gonna go out climbing and swimming. Okay. I'll go in. But if that line runs out, don't nobody shoot at him. Boy, that's I may be inside of him. Gee. It's certainly dark in this lion's cave. Why don't you light a match? Who said that? It's me, the lion. What do you know? A talking lion. I gotta I gotta tell Abbott, Skinny, and Merlin about this. Oh, no. No. You must never tell anyone. I'm a hermit, and I just hate people. I wear this lion's skin to scare them away. I live in this cave all alone.
How did you find this cave with all the housing shortage? I subleased it from a bear that went on the road with a skating act. You must get lost in here all alone. Why don't you get a roommate? I had a roommate and milk, and then the meat shortage came along. You mean that You see this tooth hanging on this watch chain? Yeah. Well, it ain't mine. Look, mister Hermit. My girl is outside. I promised her I'd bring out the line. Give me that line skin and I'll take it out there and everybody will think you're dead and nobody will bother you anymore. Here, take the skin. Oh, goody goody. Now I can be a real hermit. Then I won't be bothered by Lucille Ball, Betty Grable, or Marilyn Maxwell.
Gee. Do they call you? No. That's what bothers me.
[00:20:27] Unknown:
Hey, look. Here comes Castillo out of the cave. Oh, my hero. Look. He has a lion skin.
[00:20:34] Unknown:
Who is the greatest player on them all? Bring him back alive, Costello.
[00:20:40] Unknown:
When there is danger, the one they call. Bring him back alive, Costello.
[00:20:46] Unknown:
Once I found a baby leopard with milk, I told his tummy. And then it showed me just to prove I have to find his money.
[00:20:54] Unknown:
He caught tarzan, everything he knows. When in danger, he's not yellow.
[00:21:00] Unknown:
Who looks dapper in his hiding hole? No one but my handsome fellow.
[00:21:06] Unknown:
One day I caught a tiger, I once and even tryin'. And in the movie house I caught a metro golden lion. Brave Captain Beatty, a threat to fly Beatty, the greatest hunter of them all. Costello. Yeah. You've hunted a lot of big game. Tell me, did you ever hunt bear? I can't have it. The bushes tickle me. Once I saw a mink though, I saw a mink crying in the woods. I picked him up and I said to him, though you'll be a cook full on a turner, left mink. Left. Though you'll be a lovely half a learner, left mink. At zeros, you'll have the best table.
Think of those whole nights with Betty Shapiro. When you're on display at bullets, will your giggle me? Giggle. Oh, your tears will vanish if your tail will wiggle me. Oh, wiggle me. And don't beat the press.
[00:23:04] Unknown:
Oh, Louis, honey. My brave adventurer. Someday you must take me hunting with you. I will, Mervin, my love. And you can ride on my papa jackass. A papa jackass? Well, how do you know he's married? All jackasses are married. Oh, my hero. Let's celebrate tonight. We'll go to the smartest restaurant for dinner, see the best show in town, and then visit all the swanky nightclubs. Then, I'll kiss you good night and after you've gone and left me crying after you've gone.
[00:23:55] Unknown:
Sucker like me.
[00:23:59] Unknown:
Who knows this song goes better than a book? Bring them back a live Costello.
[00:24:06] Unknown:
Pulled trauma snake with one hypnotic look. Bring them back a live Costello.
[00:24:12] Unknown:
I bought a baby penguin. He looks so awful cute. I haven't got the penguin, but I'm wearing his dress suit.
[00:24:20] Unknown:
Penguin is okay. No one else will do Costello.
[00:24:24] Unknown:
He makes the others hang their heads in shame. He's so groovy. He's so mellow. He makes the Oh, boy. What a tough battle. But I won. Hey Abbott. There is the lion's skin. Wait a minute, Costello. There's something phony about this. Turn that skin over. I thought so. There's a label on that lion skin, Costello. Come on. Read it. Eastern Columbia? Broadway at night? By the way, Costello, the, December 10 issue of Look Magazine has printed the pictures of your big barbecue party for the kids. Yes. Did you see it, Abbot? I did. I saw your picture, your wife's picture, your kids' pictures, and my picture.
But I didn't see my wife Betty's picture. And I know they took Betty's picture. Now where's my wife's picture? Why wasn't it in there? Well, the fellow that took your wife's picture couldn't develop it. Why not? He was afraid to go into the dark room with it alone.
Okay. Round two. Name something that's not boring.
[00:00:05] Unknown:
A laundry? Oh, a book club. Computer solitaire.
[00:00:12] Unknown:
Sorry. We were looking for Chumba Casino. Chumba. That's right. Chumbacasino.com has over a hundred casino style games. Join today and play for free for your chance to redeem some serious prizes. Chumbacasino.com. Hello. It is Ryan. And we could all use an extra bright spot in our day, couldn't we? Just to make up for things like sitting in traffic, doing the dishes, counting your steps, you know, all the mundane stuff. That is why I'm such a big fan of Chumba Casino. Chumba Casino has all your favorite social casino style games that you can play for free anytime, anywhere with daily bonuses. That should brighten your day low. Actually, a lot. So sign up now at chumbacasino.com.
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[00:00:59] Unknown:
No purchase necessary. VW, avoid work permit by law. See terms and conditions 18 plus. Hey, Evan. Yes, Gastelum? Are you the manager of this baseball team? Yes. Well, now that I'm down here for spring training, I would like to know some of the guys' names on a team. So when I meet them on a street or in a ballpark, I'll be able to say hello to them. Well, naturally, I'll introduce you to the boys and the regular ones of boys we have. But, you know, strange as it may seem, they give these ballplayers nowadays better to give you names. Honey names. Yes. Nicknames. Pet names. You know, like Dizzy Dean. In front of Daffy. Daffy Dean. I'm their cousin. Now what's your first name? Who? That's what I thought. Let's see what we have on the bags. We have who's on first, what's on second, I don't know who's on third. That's what I wanna find out. And then I say who's on first, what's on second, I don't know who's on third. Wait a minute. Are you the manager? Yeah. You know the guy's name? Well, I should. Who's on first? That's right. I mean the fellas name. Who? The guy on first. Who? The fella on first. Who was on first? What are you asking me for? I'm not asking you. I'm telling you. Who was on first? Well, go ahead and tell me. That's the man's name. That's whose name? Yes. Have you got a contract with the first baseman? Most certainly. Who signed the contract? Well, not sure. You wouldn't expect anybody else to sign it. But who? Yes. Look, when you pay off the first baseman every month, who gets the money? Every dollar of it. He does. Oh, absolutely.
All I'm trying to find out is what is the guy's name on first base? Oh, now wait a minute. Let's straighten that out. What is on Second Base? Who's on Second Base? Who is on first? One base at a time. I know, but don't change the players around. I'm not changing anybody. I only wanna know what's the guy's name on First Base. But I'm telling you what is on Second. I'm not asking you who's on Second. Who is on first? That's what I wanna find out. I know, but who is who and what is what. Don't change it. Look. That don't mean nothing to me. All I wanna know is what's the guy's name on First Base. But what is on Second Base? Who's on Second Base? Who is on First? I don't know. Oh, he's on Third. We're not talking about him. How did I get on third base? Well, you mentioned his name. If I mentioned a third base his name, who did I say is playing third? No. Who is playing first? Not on line first. I'm gonna know what's the guy's name on third base. But what's on second? Who's on second? Who is on first? I don't know. He's on third. There I go. Back on third again. Oh, I can't change the name. Let's you and I stay on third base. Now Now what do you wanna know? Now who is playing third base? Why do you insist on putting who on third base? Who am I putting on third base? Yes. But we don't want them there. You don't want who there? No. So what's the guy's name belong there? No. What belongs on Second? Who's on Second? Who is on First? I don't know. Third Base. I can't talk. You got outfield. That's right. The left fielder's name. Why?
I don't know. I just thought I'd ask you. Well, I just thought I'd say. Then tell me who's playing left field? Oh, no. Who is playing first? What's on first? What's on second? I don't know. Third base. Let's field this man. Why? Because. Oh, he's center field. You've got a you've got a pitcher on the team. Wouldn't this be a fine team without a pitcher? The pitcher's name. Tamara. You don't wanna tell me today? I'm telling you, man. Go ahead. Tamara. What time? What time what? What time tomorrow you're gonna tell me who's pitching? Now listen. Who is not pitching? Who is I'll break your rhyme you say who's on first. Go ahead and have it I wanna know what's the pitcher's name. What's on second? I don't know. Third base. You got a catcher? Absolutely. The catcher's name. Today. Today. And tomorrow's pitching now you've got that's all we got a couple of days on the team. Well, I can't help that you know. I'm a catcher too. I know that now I'll get behind the plate. I'll do some fancy catching and tomorrow's pitching on my team. The heavy hitter gets up tomorrow throws the ball and the guy up bunched the ball Now when he punched the ball, me being a good catcher, I wanna throw the guy out of first base. So I pick up the ball and throw it to who? Now that's the first thing you've said right. I don't even know what I'm talking about.
Is to throw at the first base. So? Who's got it? Naturally. Oh, naturally got it. No. No. No. No. Who's got it? Naturally. That's right. Well, that's what I said. That's right. Now I pick up the ball and I throw it to natural. No. No. You throw it to who? Naturally. That's right. That's what I said. That's what I said. That's what I heard it say. That's right. Now I pick up the ball and I throw it to hold. That's right. Whoever it is drops the ball and the guy runs the second. Mhmm. Who picks up the ball and throws it to what? What closes? I don't know. I don't know. It throws it back to tomorrow. A triple play. Yeah. I'm not at night. It's not me. It's a long fly ball for because.
Why? I don't know. He's on third and I don't give a darn. What was that? I said I don't give a darn. Oh, that's our short stop. Oh, I'm a very bad boy. C That's right folks. That's right folks. A for comedy. A for Abbott. M for Maxwell. E for Ennis. L for Lou Costello. Yes. They spell camel. Your taste will tell you about camel's rich full flavor. Your throat will welcome camel's cool mildness. So draw up a chair for tonight's show starring Bud Abbott and Lou Costello. Yeah. This to me, please. Did you go hunting with your uncle Arty Stebbins last Saturday? What'd you say? I say did you go hunting with your uncle Arty Stebbins last Saturday? Yeah. And a terrible thing happened. A great big bear sneak up behind us, grabbed uncle Arty's gun out of his hands and stuck it in his back. What did uncle Artie do? What could he do? He married the bear's daughter. Never mind that. Did you see any did you see any big game? I saw a giraffe, but I didn't shoot him. He had a sore throat. Well, there's nothing worse than a giraffe with a sore throat. Oh, yes. There is. What? A centipede with corns.
You dummy. I didn't think you'd ever I didn't think you ever went hunting in your life, and I don't believe you did. I'll bet you haven't even got a hunting license. I have too. Here it is. Wait Wait a minute. Wait a minute. There's no hunting license. This is a picture of Eddie Lamar. You hunt what you like and I'll hunt what I like. You, hunt a boy, that's ridiculous. Oh, yeah. My brother and I, we used to hunt alligators. Alligators? Yeah. One time an alligator was just about to attack my brother-in-law. I fired off both barrels of my trusty rifle. Did you kill the alligator? See the swallow? Genuine alligator? Nope. Genuine brother-in-law. I nonsense. Come here. Look at this. You see this picture? Now I tapped all these rabbits last winter. Now how many would you say there are? 876.
That's exactly right. Wait a minute. How did you guess it? Oh, I just count the legs and divide by four. Costello, have you ever been in Africa in Africa on, safari? No. But I've been in New York on safari. A safari in New York? Yes. Staten Island safari. And also the Hoboken safari. Oh, now come on. That's ridiculous. There's lots of safaris around there. Hey. Listen to me though. You should have been with me on my elephant now. Oh, there I was surrounded by elephants. One big bull elephant started towards me. I said to myself, I'm trapped. Abbot you're trapped. Should I run or stand here and shoot the bull? You've been doing alright up to now. Alright. Alright.
Well, I shot you. Yeah. Elephant fell and broke a tusk. Broke a what? A tusk. Tust. Tust. Tust. Tust. Tust. Tust. Tust. Tust. Tust. Tust. Tust. Tust. Tust. Tust. Tust. Tust. Tust. Tust. Tust. Tust. Tust. You two and a couple of poo. A We use 50,000 elephants a year just to make billiard balls. My. How do they train those big clumsy beasts to do such delicate work? I can see you I can see you know nothing about elephants. I once fell hunted elephants in India with an old acquaintance of mine, and an elephant sat on them. Someday I gotta go back there. Why? To scrape up an old acquaintance? Yeah. Yeah. But did you ever shoot a zebra? Yes. I did. Could I have that zebra skin? Oh, what do you want with a zebra skin? My aunt Minnie is in Alcatraz, and she needs a new fur coat. No. That's silly, Costello. However, I have a stuffed that rhinoceros you can have. Of course, you know what a rhinoceros is, don't you? Oh, sure. That's a hippopotamus with a red eater cap. No.
Come on out there. I know you're breathing. Alright. Westella, this is the last week of the big game hunting season. Now tomorrow, I'm going hunting in the High Sierras, and I'd like you to come along with me. Oh, gee. Thanks, Abbot. Say you've done a lot of hunting. What do they call those little flies that buzz around the animals? Nats. I asked you a civil question. What do they call those little flies? Gnats. Gnats. And that's to you too, brother. Oh, no. No. You don't. Gnats are the flies that annoy the animals. Of course, some of them have ticks. Why don't you take the ticks and give those flies a good trashing? I I didn't say sticks. I said ticks. For instance, there's deer sticks. The deer ticks? There's certainly deer ticks. Who want them up? Oh, nobody want them up. And what makes them tick? Somebody must have slipped the groon in his groon. Stella, when I say listen, please. When I say deer ticks, I don't mean the deer ticks. I mean deer ticks. Abbot, let me smell your breath. Oh, come on, please. More sense. Deer has ticks and the ticks bother the deer. They used to bother me when I went to school. Ticks bothered you in school? Yeah. Arithmetic, mathematics, and what time a tick got me in trouble with the teacher? Oh, now wait a minute. How could a tick get you in trouble with the teacher? I ticked my tongue out at the teacher and she twanced the tweed of my plow with a twat.
Yeah. Thank you. Doctor. Lo, I'm I'm talking about animal tics. Tics. Hundreds of animals in the woods have tics. That must be a pretty sound when hundreds of animals get together and they all start ticking at once. No. No. Listen. Gautsello, listen to me. Deer have tics. Elks have tics. And one time my father shot a moose with tics. Now do you know what I'm talking about? Sure. Your father's moose sticks. I know. That's that's good. That's Stella. You're getting more stupid every day. I don't know what to do with you. I don't know what to say to you. I've tried and I've tried to improve your mind, but I just can't seem to get anywhere. Why don't you face it, Abbot? You're a failure. Well, here I am, Abbott, and I'm all ready to go hunting with you up in the mountain. That's fine, Costello. How is your hunting equipment? I got the best, Abbott. Look. Cornell Wild's old address book. Go ahead. Costello. Honey, hunting is a serious sport. Now suppose you came face to face with a big brewing. What would you do? Asking for a ticket to the Rose Bowl game.
You know, Marilyn Maxwell and, Skinny Annis are going to meet us at the hunting lodge, and I hope you brought something along. I did. I brought a quart of bourbon in case somebody gets a chills. What are you bringing, Abbot? The chills. Costello, did you bring a gun? Oh, yes. Here it is. This is my sawed off shotgun. Wait a minute. Where is the handle? How do you like that? I sawed off the wrong end. Yeah. Come on, Costella. Marilyn was getting out waiting for us at the hundred lodge in the mountains. Let's go. I am fat, flabby, and flat headed. No. No. Wait a minute. Don't insult Costello Skinny. Don't be a pill. Skinny ain't no pill. He's too long and narrow.
Well, thank you, Costello. You're a capsule. You're a funny looking hunter, Skinny. Do you know anything about guns? I know guns inside and out. My man, when I was a kid with the circus, they used to shoot me out of an air rifle. What do you know about that? What do you know about hunting Costello? Have you seen that big bear rug in my living home? Sure. Well, I shot that bear myself. What a battle. It was either me or the bear. I'm glad it was the bear. You'd make an awful lumpy rug.
[00:13:06] Unknown:
Hey, look, Crystal. Here comes Marilyn Maxwell. Hi, boys. And hello, Lois Lewis, honey. My chubby little chuckling chipmunk. Oh, Marilyn.
[00:13:15] Unknown:
My sugar coated sharpshooter. Plug me with a buckshot of your kisses.
[00:13:21] Unknown:
Lewis, honey. How do you like my hunting outfit? Saks Fifth Avenue.
[00:13:26] Unknown:
Get a load of mine. Army surplus.
[00:13:32] Unknown:
Oh, Louis. It's gonna be fun hunting with you. What's your favorite wild game? Post office. Louis. Louis. Post office isn't the wild game. It is the way I play it. Ah, Louis. My little snowman. Come melt in my arms. Hey, Marilyn.
[00:13:52] Unknown:
When I'm close to you like this, I just can't seem to break away. Why not? My nose is caught in the trigger of your shotgun.
[00:14:02] Unknown:
Well, Louis, if you'll excuse me, I'll go up to the hunting lodge and freshen up. As they say in Spanish, manana olla no ches to you. And your mama's own nice shirt to you too.
[00:14:14] Unknown:
Hey, Costello. Costello. Look up on that mountain top. Now there's a mother stork and two little storks. Here, habit. Can I ask you a question? Certainly. When the mama stork talks things over with the little storks, who does she say brings the babies? Help. Help. Big pun, scrumptious. You're a skinny ombre in your party? Yes. There is. Why? Well, you better go over there and get him. A gopher. Just drag him down into its hole. Who are you, stranger? I'm the game warden. Yeah? What's your game warden? You wanna know my game, partner? I'll tell you. It's far cheesy. But being up here in the wild country so much, I trained three little skunks to play bridge with me. Is it a steep game? No. We only play for a tenth of a cent.
Warren, we're after some big game. Have you seen any hereabouts? Hereabouts? Hereabouts? Haven't. I thought we came up here to shoot deer. I wouldn't shoot a poor little hereabouts for anything in the world. Anybody that will shoot a little hereabouts and make a widow out of a she abouts ought to be a fan of themselves. Oh, shut up, you idiot. How about it, warden? Is there any big game around here? Well, there's a ferocious mountain lion that has been terrorizing the countryside. He's been killing the farmer's chickens, and he's even been stealing eggs. At the price eggs are now, I don't blame him. That's a reward of a thousand dollars to the man that gets that mountain lion. One of you boys ought to trap him. Which one of us would you suggest? Why don't you try, Tubby? You got the biggest trap.
Hey. Who are those guys? That's the Nebraska football team. Now remember, if you shoot that line, I'll give you a thousand dollars for a skin. I needed to make stockings. What kind of stockings can you make out of blind skin? Nylon stockings. So long, lord head. Hey. Hey. You hear that, fellas? The line's just north of us. Which way south, come here, you coward. You're afraid. You're not afraid to take this chance. You understand? Yeah. Now take this cane. You see it? Yeah. The lion won't bite you if you're carrying a cane. Yeah. But how fast do I have to be carrying a cane? I ain't looking around with no lines, Abbot. The last time I saw a line was in the Adirondack Mountains. What happened? I snapped at the line, then the line snapped at me, and then something whizzed past. What was it? Kansas City.
Quiet. I hear something. Listen. I love you. Ouch. I love you. Ouch. I love you. Ouch. I love you. Ouch. I love you. Ouch. I love you. Ouch. I love love you. Ouch. Marcella, what was that? Two porcupines necking. Alright, Castello. Alright. Now take it easy, kid. I'm right in back of you. Don't worry about me. Here's the mouth of a cave. Now go in there. That's a pal for you. I let you go and get the lion tonight. You you want me to go and get the lion? Certainly. I'm your friend. Why don't you go and get the lion? Oh, what do you mean? You want me to go in? I have a family. Oh, what I got? Never mind what you've got. You go ahead and get that lion. Okay. I mean, what's the matter? You scared? Look at you. Your knees are docket. I always knock before I enter a cave.
I'll take it easy. Buck up, Costello. And remember, make the lion believe you're not afraid of them. I couldn't be that deceitful. You've got to think of those poor people who've lost their cattle and their chickens and their eggs on account of that lion. How can you face them, Costello? Think of it. How can you face them? When they may be starving. How can I face that lion? He may be starving too.
[00:18:27] Unknown:
Oh, there you are, Louis, honey. I'm so proud of you. I know you're going in that cave and kill that lion just for me.
[00:18:35] Unknown:
I am? Yes. And Louis, honey, I'd do anything for you. Why Why I climb the highest mountain, I'd swim the deepest river. How do you like that? Here I am facing death death and this dame is gonna go out climbing and swimming. Okay. I'll go in. But if that line runs out, don't nobody shoot at him. Boy, that's I may be inside of him. Gee. It's certainly dark in this lion's cave. Why don't you light a match? Who said that? It's me, the lion. What do you know? A talking lion. I gotta I gotta tell Abbott, Skinny, and Merlin about this. Oh, no. No. You must never tell anyone. I'm a hermit, and I just hate people. I wear this lion's skin to scare them away. I live in this cave all alone.
How did you find this cave with all the housing shortage? I subleased it from a bear that went on the road with a skating act. You must get lost in here all alone. Why don't you get a roommate? I had a roommate and milk, and then the meat shortage came along. You mean that You see this tooth hanging on this watch chain? Yeah. Well, it ain't mine. Look, mister Hermit. My girl is outside. I promised her I'd bring out the line. Give me that line skin and I'll take it out there and everybody will think you're dead and nobody will bother you anymore. Here, take the skin. Oh, goody goody. Now I can be a real hermit. Then I won't be bothered by Lucille Ball, Betty Grable, or Marilyn Maxwell.
Gee. Do they call you? No. That's what bothers me.
[00:20:27] Unknown:
Hey, look. Here comes Castillo out of the cave. Oh, my hero. Look. He has a lion skin.
[00:20:34] Unknown:
Who is the greatest player on them all? Bring him back alive, Costello.
[00:20:40] Unknown:
When there is danger, the one they call. Bring him back alive, Costello.
[00:20:46] Unknown:
Once I found a baby leopard with milk, I told his tummy. And then it showed me just to prove I have to find his money.
[00:20:54] Unknown:
He caught tarzan, everything he knows. When in danger, he's not yellow.
[00:21:00] Unknown:
Who looks dapper in his hiding hole? No one but my handsome fellow.
[00:21:06] Unknown:
One day I caught a tiger, I once and even tryin'. And in the movie house I caught a metro golden lion. Brave Captain Beatty, a threat to fly Beatty, the greatest hunter of them all. Costello. Yeah. You've hunted a lot of big game. Tell me, did you ever hunt bear? I can't have it. The bushes tickle me. Once I saw a mink though, I saw a mink crying in the woods. I picked him up and I said to him, though you'll be a cook full on a turner, left mink. Left. Though you'll be a lovely half a learner, left mink. At zeros, you'll have the best table.
Think of those whole nights with Betty Shapiro. When you're on display at bullets, will your giggle me? Giggle. Oh, your tears will vanish if your tail will wiggle me. Oh, wiggle me. And don't beat the press.
[00:23:04] Unknown:
Oh, Louis, honey. My brave adventurer. Someday you must take me hunting with you. I will, Mervin, my love. And you can ride on my papa jackass. A papa jackass? Well, how do you know he's married? All jackasses are married. Oh, my hero. Let's celebrate tonight. We'll go to the smartest restaurant for dinner, see the best show in town, and then visit all the swanky nightclubs. Then, I'll kiss you good night and after you've gone and left me crying after you've gone.
[00:23:55] Unknown:
Sucker like me.
[00:23:59] Unknown:
Who knows this song goes better than a book? Bring them back a live Costello.
[00:24:06] Unknown:
Pulled trauma snake with one hypnotic look. Bring them back a live Costello.
[00:24:12] Unknown:
I bought a baby penguin. He looks so awful cute. I haven't got the penguin, but I'm wearing his dress suit.
[00:24:20] Unknown:
Penguin is okay. No one else will do Costello.
[00:24:24] Unknown:
He makes the others hang their heads in shame. He's so groovy. He's so mellow. He makes the Oh, boy. What a tough battle. But I won. Hey Abbott. There is the lion's skin. Wait a minute, Costello. There's something phony about this. Turn that skin over. I thought so. There's a label on that lion skin, Costello. Come on. Read it. Eastern Columbia? Broadway at night? By the way, Costello, the, December 10 issue of Look Magazine has printed the pictures of your big barbecue party for the kids. Yes. Did you see it, Abbot? I did. I saw your picture, your wife's picture, your kids' pictures, and my picture.
But I didn't see my wife Betty's picture. And I know they took Betty's picture. Now where's my wife's picture? Why wasn't it in there? Well, the fellow that took your wife's picture couldn't develop it. Why not? He was afraid to go into the dark room with it alone.
