In this lively episode, we dive into a comedic skit featuring a series of humorous exchanges and misunderstandings. The episode kicks off with a playful game show segment, where participants struggle to name something that's not boring, leading to a comedic introduction of Chumba Casino. The conversation then shifts to a humorous dialogue between characters discussing flying experiences, with witty banter about blimps, plane rides, and the antics of a male plane hostess. The comedic timing and clever wordplay keep the audience entertained as the characters navigate through a series of funny scenarios.
The episode continues with a theatrical performance involving knights, princesses, and dragons. The characters engage in a whimsical narrative set in a medieval kingdom, complete with a dragon threat and a quest to save a princess. The skit is filled with puns, slapstick humor, and clever dialogue, showcasing the comedic talents of the cast. As the story unfolds, listeners are treated to a blend of classic comedy routines and imaginative storytelling, making for an entertaining and laughter-filled episode.
(00:00) Introduction and Game Show Banter
(01:04) Costello's Flying Adventures
(02:53) Ken Niles and the Movie Reviews
(05:03) Botsford Tweak's Audition
(07:07) Winter Sports and Leading Lady Search
(09:01) Fashion Designer Pierre's Arrival
(11:39) The Knight's Tale with Merle Oberon
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[00:00:01]
Unknown:
Okay. Round two. Name something that's not boring.
[00:00:05] Unknown:
A laundry? Oh, a book club. Computer solitaire.
[00:00:12] Unknown:
Sorry. We were looking for Chumba Casino. Chumba. That's right. ChumbaCasino.com has over a hundred casino style games. Join today and play for free for your chance to redeem some serious prizes. Chumba. Chumba Casino dot com. No purchase. It It is Ryan here, and I have a question for you. What do you do when you win? Like, are you a fist pumper, a woo hooer, a hand clapper, a high fiver? I kinda like the high five, but if you wanna hone in on those winning moves, check out Chumba Casino. At chumbacasino.com, choose from hundreds of social casino style games for your chance to redeem serious cash prizes. There are new game releases weekly plus free daily bonuses, so don't wait. Start having the most fun ever at chumba casino dot com.
[00:01:04] Unknown:
No. Come on. What's the matter with you, Costello? Hey, Adam. I wanna ask you a very personal question, Martin. Do you think I'm fat? Well, I'd say you were on the plump side. Why do you ask? Well, I was over by one of those big hangars. I was standing next to a blimp. All of a sudden, an officer poised to me and says, look. They're making them with faces now. Oh, he was just kidding. You know, there's nobody that has a better sense of humor than a flying man. I know that too, Abbot, because I'm a flying man myself. What do you mean? I started flying when I was a six months old baby. You flew when you were a baby? Yep. I flew out of my nurse's arms and made a perfect one point landing. No. No. You mean three point? No. One point. My safety pin was open. Because I don't believe you've ever been up in the air. Oh, yes. I have. I used to be a hostess. Where do you walk into that one, my friend?
For your information, plane hostesses are always female. This was a male plane. Tell me, Costello, when was the last time you were up in the plane? Do you want the truth or my version? No. No. No. No. I want the truth. I think we'd get more laughs the other way. No. No. No. No. Tell the truth. Okay. I'll tell it through. Alright. I took my first plane ride today. Captain Dick Blassen took me up in a great big plane. Tri motor? Tri what? I said tri motor. Certainly, we tried the motor. What do you think we did? Push it? No. Skip it. I'm not gonna get it up in the air and get dry it. Alright. Forget about it. Forget about the motor? Oh, no. No. No. No. No. No. No. The other thing. By the way, what kind of a pilot is he? Was he flying blind? He was perfectly sober.
What a dope. Of course, he was sober. Well, never mind that. You know, Lou, I wonder what these boys down here at Long Beach do when they go on leave. Well, I saw a bunch of the boys down at the beach with their girlfriends. They go down there to spoon? Well, they didn't go down there to wash their socks. Well, here's Ken Niles. I've been waiting to see you, Ken. I was wondering what your wife thought of the picture we made last week. That's right, Niles. What did she think of my yachting? Well, I don't mind telling you that she absolutely raved. She raved, Yeah. They took her away the next morning.
What's so funny about that? Did you make that up yourself? Yeah. Out of my head. You certainly are. No. But quit. I know you do, but quit arguing, Costello. I wanna hear more about the picture. Did you read any reviews, Ken? Yes. Sure. The Drugist Weekly gave the picture four aspirin. Let's see what happens, He's got the band framed up. Certainly, he's got the band framed. That wasn't a funny line. There's nothing there's nothing funny about that, brother. Can you imagine that? Listen, Ken. I read all the reviews, and even missus Roosevelt mentioned that picture in her column. What did she say? She said, my day was ruined. Right?
Then it's the one line. I don't know why they got it in here. Wait a minute. Look. So didn't we get any compliments at all? Oh, sure. We got one cheer that I remember. Where from? The Bronx. The Bronx. You know, in Hitler's space without music. Oh, oh, oh, yeah. Well, maybe we should give up the idea of producing our own pictures on that. Don't you be silly. I don't know. Her a few pictures incorporated is here to stay, and I'm ready to start another picture right now. Push the button for my secretary. Okay. Hey. Hey.
What's the idea of a horn for a buzzer? She used to be a waitress and a driver. Oh.
[00:04:25] Unknown:
Oh, of course. I'm sorry. It was late this morning. Are you doing anything tonight?
[00:04:29] Unknown:
Why, yes. No. Not a thing. Then try and get here on time tomorrow morning. I'm secretary.
[00:04:37] Unknown:
How did you get a job here? I used to be in pictures. I played in the way of all flesh. What part did you play? One of the meatballs.
[00:04:47] Unknown:
Everybody gets flesh but me. Alright. Have patience. Have patience. By the way, do I have any appointments today? Yes. At 12:00, you have an appointment with Hetty Lamar. What am I doing after that? Me here. Mr. Costello, could I speak to you for a moment? Why, it's Botsford Tweak, our settlement.
[00:05:08] Unknown:
What's on your mind, Bots? Well, I want you to know that I was terribly hurt because I wasn't in your picture last week with Carmen Miranda. After all, if you're looking for new faces, look at me. My face is new, isn't it? Oh, very new. In fact, your whole head has only been slightly used.
[00:05:24] Unknown:
Please give me a chance, Mr. Castello. Oh, I really do have a lot of talent. You know, I do most of the voices in all the Leon Schlesinger cartoons for Warner Brothers. Don't tell me. Yeah. For instance, here's a little porky pig. This is the way I did. Duck. When I say That's all. Okay? I'll play porky for you for a thousand dollars. You're talking about Warner Brothers don't pay you that? I know, but pork has gone up. What else do you do, Buttswood? Oh, did you ever hear a Bugs Bunny? I have a carrot here, so I'll give you a little sample. What's up, doc?
What do you say, Tubby? What's cooking, Of course. If you use Bugs Bunny, you'll have to use my wife, missus Bunny. But we can't use two rabbits in our picture. Well, we couldn't separate them. That would be splitting hairs.
[00:06:28] Unknown:
Well, if you can't use the rabbit, maybe I could furnish some of the musical background. I can imitate an electric organ. Listen.
[00:06:40] Unknown:
Well, there ain't any. Do you call out an organ? Now listen, Fotsford. I can't use any of that stuff in my picture. Now will you get out of here? Now look what you did. Now look what you did. Now look what you did. Every time you yell at yell at yell at me, I guess I hit the hit. When you yell at me, you said. Why do you yell at me? Well, don't tell Adam. Do something for the Fox fella. Please, Fox, get I said talk to the rest of them. But I'm talking low and easy. Now take it easy. No more hiccups. That brings him out of it. That brings him out of it. I didn't know that. All right. Take it easy. How do you feel? Better now. Oh, you do? I feel fine. Oh, my blooded out of it. Now let's get back to this picture. But Mr. Costello, are you sure you can't use the organ? Foxford, how many times do I have to tell you that? You're not quite Please. I don't know what I'm
[00:07:29] Unknown:
doing.
[00:07:39] Unknown:
Hey, Lou. Luke Costello. Oh, yes, Niles. I wanna ask you something. Do you know anything about winter sports? Are you kidding? I'm one of the best ski jumpers in the country. Really? Sure. Last winter at Lake Placid, I made my biggest jump. I climbed up to the top of the slide. Thousands of people were looking up at me. And when I leaped into the year, I went down at 60 miles an hour, and I made a sensational jump up 200 feet. 200 feet? Yep. And I could've even gone further if there was snow.
[00:08:09] Unknown:
Oh, Lou, better tonight. Thank you.
[00:08:12] Unknown:
Lou, I I know another good cheer. And, Costello, we can't hold up production on your new picture any longer. Now we've got to get a leading lady. How about giving that secretary of yours a chance? She has blue eyes, blonde hair, and a Supreme Court figure. What do you mean a Supreme Court figure? A Supreme Court figure? What do you mean? No appeal. Besides, I phoned Merle O'Brien about playing a leading talk. You did? Yes. I picked up the receiver and I said, Merle, darling. Merle, sweetheart. Merle, my love. And then? Then I dialed her number. Merle Oberon.
Merle Oberon is stolen our picture. You know, and I I sent for a new fashion designer. What is this that just popped in here? What's that about? Well, now wait a minute. I sent for a new, fashion designer. I is that it? Now he sent. Come in. Good evening, gentlemen. I'm your new fashion designer, Pierre, you, Pierre. To my friends, I'm P. U. You said it, brother. Hey, get over that guy's hair. He's a male Veronica Lake. Pierre, this is Lou Costello. How do you do, Mr. Costello? Thank you, sir. You are just the man I'm looking at. I've not seen you in a long distance. Get away his hair hangs over his face. Pardon me, Pierre. Would your mother ever stay by a sheepdog? Oh, no.
Leave the man alone. We've got to get him to design miss Oberon's clothes. Now no more remarks about his hair. Looks like a palm tree in a high winter. Doesn't it? Well, Mr. Castello, I admit that my hair is a standing joke. Well, it needs a new switch. I don't know what's wrong there. Keep quiet. We must have Ms. Oberon's wardrobe design before she gets here. Pierre, would you mind telling us some of your ideas on women's clothes? Not at all. The main thing is color harmony. Color harmony? What's that? Well, it's very simple, Mr. Costello. For instance, if you were carrying a pink bag, you would not wear a green dress, would you? Oh, gracious. No. I wouldn't wear. Well, I'd be the laughing stock of my sewing circles. Alright. Come on. Never mind. What kind of line is that to get me to get me in? Forget it. Skip those things. Come here, Pierre.
Now, with a shortage of materials, how about something plain for miss O'Brien to wear? We'll call it a, defense dress. How about that? How about making it on a barbed wire? That isn't a fence. It ain't exactly an invitation. Go ahead, Pierre. Suggest a dress for Merle O'Brien. You know something that you can wear in our picture. Well, being a brunette, I would suggest that I make Ms. Auverand a gown of apple green with a peach skirt, lemon trimmings, plum ruffles, an orange belt and a tangerine scarf. Hey, that dress, that's a fruit salad. Nevertheless, that sounds fine. Now what about Merle's hat? Well, the hat should be very simple but very smart. Do you think the boys in camp here would like miss Auverin in a hat that has three roses and a ribbon on the side? No. They'd rather have four roses with a chaser on the side.
I'll get out of here and I'll design the clothes myself. Oh, Costello. You can't design clothes? Is that so? I just invented a lady's leg paint that takes the place of stockings. It even covers the knees. It disguises the knees. You said it. You can hardly recognize the old joints. Well, we let Merle Oberon design her own clothes for the picture. What do you say? Yes. And I'm just the girl who can do it. Now listen, kid. You keep out of this. Look who it is. It's Merle Oberon. Oh, Merle, I'm overjoyed.
[00:11:56] Unknown:
I'm overcome.
[00:11:57] Unknown:
I I'm overwhelmed. I'm over here. Merle, I've always been in love with you. You're so beautiful. Lou, where did you learn to kiss like that? I used to be a bugger in a boy scout. Look, if you folks don't mind, we'll go over the script of the picture that you are going to play tonight. It's a story of the knights of old. Merle, you play a beautiful princess. And you wear a hoop skirt. Hooper? Yeah, hoop skirt. That's a parachute with blades. Costello plays the part of a knight. He's in love with you. I got knights at all. Well, kid, on account of daylight saving time, the nights are getting shorter. As the first scene opens, Merle, you're in the palace, awaiting the arrival of your lover. You are playing the organ. Organ like this.
I'm sorry, boss. I'm okay now, Mr. Costello. Oh, I'm glad you're on. Come on, let's get back on this story. Castell, as a knight, your costume
[00:13:42] Unknown:
is a suit of armor. That's right, Lou. You wear an iron coat, an iron vest and iron trousers. In fact, you wear a whole iron suit. Where do I get oppressed? At Lockheed?
[00:13:52] Unknown:
Now your suit may become rusty, so you better keep yourself well oiled. I'd have to be oiled to make love to you in an iron suit. Myrtle, you walk out on the balcony? Yes. And I sneak right up to it. How do you get across the moat? I caught the guard with his bridges down. Then we have the big scene where Costello serenades you with a song of love.
[00:14:14] Unknown:
And Lou, I will drop a flower on you. In a mad moment of love? No, in a pot.
[00:14:24] Unknown:
Now, Merle, you signal that the coast is clear and Castello, you climb the balcony. You reach Merle's side. You're panting from the long climb in that suit of armor. Yes. That's it. You gaze into her eyes. Remember, this is your big chance. Never mind. No more pants. Hey. No more panting. Never mind that. There's emotion in your voice As you stand there in your suit, what do you say to her? Hey, kid. If you got a can opener Greetings, brave knight. Kindly approach the throne. Greetings, your majesty. I am Sirloin, knight of the bath from Saxony. And I am Sir Portaust, knight of the bath from Constantinople.
What kind of words are I thinking of? I'm Sirloin. Yeah. Turkish bear.
[00:15:11] Unknown:
Greetings, brave knights. I am the princess Guinevere.
[00:15:14] Unknown:
And who are those beautiful dames with you? There are my ladies in waiting. Well, what are we waiting for? Quiet castellums.
[00:15:22] Unknown:
Oh, sir Porterhouse, you must save our kingdom. The people are angry. They're clamoring outside the gates of the palace. Just listen to them clamor.
[00:15:35] Unknown:
Did you hear that? The people are revolting. They certainly are. No,
[00:15:41] Unknown:
no. No, no. The people are starving. They have not eaten in five days. Oh, they should try and force themselves.
[00:15:48] Unknown:
They got to eat. But my dear princess, have we no food?
[00:15:53] Unknown:
Alas, no, the dragon has destroyed our crops. You mean all our corn is gone? Yes. There's only enough left for this program.
[00:16:02] Unknown:
What's so funny about that? What a fresh Listen. Listen to the people shouting. They have been shouting for five days, but I dare not speak to them. I will speak to the people, your majesty. Open the door. I'll make a speech. People of Fracfony. Why doesn't he pick up his feet?
[00:16:39] Unknown:
You don't understand.
[00:16:42] Unknown:
You don't understand. Nobody understood that.
[00:16:47] Unknown:
Today, the dragon is coming to carry off the princess Guinevere.
[00:16:50] Unknown:
You must save me from this mean monster, sir Porterhouse. He's a very mean beast. Okay, kid. He has two heads, one at each end. How does she sit down? Be calm. That's what makes him so mean. Well,
[00:17:05] Unknown:
don't be mean. Don't worry, princess. Alright. I'm a lost one mistake. Alright? I am not afraid of nothing. One time I climbed up a tree and I bagged a ferocious tiger. You went up a tree after a tiger? No. He came up after me. But you said you bagged him. I did bag him. I bagged him to go away, but it wouldn't have happened.
[00:17:31] Unknown:
And what happened?
[00:17:33] Unknown:
Well, I snapped at the tiger, a tiger snapped at me and suddenly something whizzed past me. What was it? Pomona. Pomona, talk sense, will you? Then my uncle came to my rescue and I finally brought that tiger home stuff. What was he just with? My uncle. Oh, Your Majesty, the dragon is almost upon us. He's coming to get the prince. Quick, princess. Put up my Iron suit. Wait a minute. Just a minute. I thought you were a princess. I worked a swing shift on the side. Costello, look at that thing belching smoking fire. Is that the dragon? It ain't a smooch pot.
[00:18:12] Unknown:
I'm getting out of here. Too late. He's got us trapped.
[00:18:16] Unknown:
Here here he comes. Now do what he does. Do exactly what he does. Right. He's staring at you. Stare back at him. I can't. Okay. I can't do it. Quiet. He's roaring at you. Roll back at him. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Now he's wagging his tail. That lets me out. You got him, got a charge. You got a charge? How much?
[00:18:42] Unknown:
No. Quick. Grab him, grab him.
[00:18:46] Unknown:
There's a fancy line. That is something that should only interest another dragon. Now he's coming at you, be Captain Costello. Your back is turned to him. He's coming up behind you. I think that means Where did he get you? Well, if I was wearing a license plate, he would have cut off the last three numbers. Hey. He ruined my suit, my good iron suit he wrote. You nasty legend. Get out of here. Oh, don't do that. Don't yell me. What are you thinking? How can I do the dressing? How can I do the dressing? Stop. What can I do to keep your plan, boss? Are we gonna cut him out? I'm sorry. And it's your own fault for hollering at him. There's only one thing that will cure my hiccups.
[00:19:49] Unknown:
If you let me kiss miss Oberon Oh, very well, I'll kiss you. If only you'll stop the lawful hiccups. Go ahead, Botsford. Kiss her. Okay.
[00:20:01] Unknown:
How do you feel now, Buttsman? Oh, I feel fine.
Okay. Round two. Name something that's not boring.
[00:00:05] Unknown:
A laundry? Oh, a book club. Computer solitaire.
[00:00:12] Unknown:
Sorry. We were looking for Chumba Casino. Chumba. That's right. ChumbaCasino.com has over a hundred casino style games. Join today and play for free for your chance to redeem some serious prizes. Chumba. Chumba Casino dot com. No purchase. It It is Ryan here, and I have a question for you. What do you do when you win? Like, are you a fist pumper, a woo hooer, a hand clapper, a high fiver? I kinda like the high five, but if you wanna hone in on those winning moves, check out Chumba Casino. At chumbacasino.com, choose from hundreds of social casino style games for your chance to redeem serious cash prizes. There are new game releases weekly plus free daily bonuses, so don't wait. Start having the most fun ever at chumba casino dot com.
[00:01:04] Unknown:
No. Come on. What's the matter with you, Costello? Hey, Adam. I wanna ask you a very personal question, Martin. Do you think I'm fat? Well, I'd say you were on the plump side. Why do you ask? Well, I was over by one of those big hangars. I was standing next to a blimp. All of a sudden, an officer poised to me and says, look. They're making them with faces now. Oh, he was just kidding. You know, there's nobody that has a better sense of humor than a flying man. I know that too, Abbot, because I'm a flying man myself. What do you mean? I started flying when I was a six months old baby. You flew when you were a baby? Yep. I flew out of my nurse's arms and made a perfect one point landing. No. No. You mean three point? No. One point. My safety pin was open. Because I don't believe you've ever been up in the air. Oh, yes. I have. I used to be a hostess. Where do you walk into that one, my friend?
For your information, plane hostesses are always female. This was a male plane. Tell me, Costello, when was the last time you were up in the plane? Do you want the truth or my version? No. No. No. No. I want the truth. I think we'd get more laughs the other way. No. No. No. No. Tell the truth. Okay. I'll tell it through. Alright. I took my first plane ride today. Captain Dick Blassen took me up in a great big plane. Tri motor? Tri what? I said tri motor. Certainly, we tried the motor. What do you think we did? Push it? No. Skip it. I'm not gonna get it up in the air and get dry it. Alright. Forget about it. Forget about the motor? Oh, no. No. No. No. No. No. No. The other thing. By the way, what kind of a pilot is he? Was he flying blind? He was perfectly sober.
What a dope. Of course, he was sober. Well, never mind that. You know, Lou, I wonder what these boys down here at Long Beach do when they go on leave. Well, I saw a bunch of the boys down at the beach with their girlfriends. They go down there to spoon? Well, they didn't go down there to wash their socks. Well, here's Ken Niles. I've been waiting to see you, Ken. I was wondering what your wife thought of the picture we made last week. That's right, Niles. What did she think of my yachting? Well, I don't mind telling you that she absolutely raved. She raved, Yeah. They took her away the next morning.
What's so funny about that? Did you make that up yourself? Yeah. Out of my head. You certainly are. No. But quit. I know you do, but quit arguing, Costello. I wanna hear more about the picture. Did you read any reviews, Ken? Yes. Sure. The Drugist Weekly gave the picture four aspirin. Let's see what happens, He's got the band framed up. Certainly, he's got the band framed. That wasn't a funny line. There's nothing there's nothing funny about that, brother. Can you imagine that? Listen, Ken. I read all the reviews, and even missus Roosevelt mentioned that picture in her column. What did she say? She said, my day was ruined. Right?
Then it's the one line. I don't know why they got it in here. Wait a minute. Look. So didn't we get any compliments at all? Oh, sure. We got one cheer that I remember. Where from? The Bronx. The Bronx. You know, in Hitler's space without music. Oh, oh, oh, yeah. Well, maybe we should give up the idea of producing our own pictures on that. Don't you be silly. I don't know. Her a few pictures incorporated is here to stay, and I'm ready to start another picture right now. Push the button for my secretary. Okay. Hey. Hey.
What's the idea of a horn for a buzzer? She used to be a waitress and a driver. Oh.
[00:04:25] Unknown:
Oh, of course. I'm sorry. It was late this morning. Are you doing anything tonight?
[00:04:29] Unknown:
Why, yes. No. Not a thing. Then try and get here on time tomorrow morning. I'm secretary.
[00:04:37] Unknown:
How did you get a job here? I used to be in pictures. I played in the way of all flesh. What part did you play? One of the meatballs.
[00:04:47] Unknown:
Everybody gets flesh but me. Alright. Have patience. Have patience. By the way, do I have any appointments today? Yes. At 12:00, you have an appointment with Hetty Lamar. What am I doing after that? Me here. Mr. Costello, could I speak to you for a moment? Why, it's Botsford Tweak, our settlement.
[00:05:08] Unknown:
What's on your mind, Bots? Well, I want you to know that I was terribly hurt because I wasn't in your picture last week with Carmen Miranda. After all, if you're looking for new faces, look at me. My face is new, isn't it? Oh, very new. In fact, your whole head has only been slightly used.
[00:05:24] Unknown:
Please give me a chance, Mr. Castello. Oh, I really do have a lot of talent. You know, I do most of the voices in all the Leon Schlesinger cartoons for Warner Brothers. Don't tell me. Yeah. For instance, here's a little porky pig. This is the way I did. Duck. When I say That's all. Okay? I'll play porky for you for a thousand dollars. You're talking about Warner Brothers don't pay you that? I know, but pork has gone up. What else do you do, Buttswood? Oh, did you ever hear a Bugs Bunny? I have a carrot here, so I'll give you a little sample. What's up, doc?
What do you say, Tubby? What's cooking, Of course. If you use Bugs Bunny, you'll have to use my wife, missus Bunny. But we can't use two rabbits in our picture. Well, we couldn't separate them. That would be splitting hairs.
[00:06:28] Unknown:
Well, if you can't use the rabbit, maybe I could furnish some of the musical background. I can imitate an electric organ. Listen.
[00:06:40] Unknown:
Well, there ain't any. Do you call out an organ? Now listen, Fotsford. I can't use any of that stuff in my picture. Now will you get out of here? Now look what you did. Now look what you did. Now look what you did. Every time you yell at yell at yell at me, I guess I hit the hit. When you yell at me, you said. Why do you yell at me? Well, don't tell Adam. Do something for the Fox fella. Please, Fox, get I said talk to the rest of them. But I'm talking low and easy. Now take it easy. No more hiccups. That brings him out of it. That brings him out of it. I didn't know that. All right. Take it easy. How do you feel? Better now. Oh, you do? I feel fine. Oh, my blooded out of it. Now let's get back to this picture. But Mr. Costello, are you sure you can't use the organ? Foxford, how many times do I have to tell you that? You're not quite Please. I don't know what I'm
[00:07:29] Unknown:
doing.
[00:07:39] Unknown:
Hey, Lou. Luke Costello. Oh, yes, Niles. I wanna ask you something. Do you know anything about winter sports? Are you kidding? I'm one of the best ski jumpers in the country. Really? Sure. Last winter at Lake Placid, I made my biggest jump. I climbed up to the top of the slide. Thousands of people were looking up at me. And when I leaped into the year, I went down at 60 miles an hour, and I made a sensational jump up 200 feet. 200 feet? Yep. And I could've even gone further if there was snow.
[00:08:09] Unknown:
Oh, Lou, better tonight. Thank you.
[00:08:12] Unknown:
Lou, I I know another good cheer. And, Costello, we can't hold up production on your new picture any longer. Now we've got to get a leading lady. How about giving that secretary of yours a chance? She has blue eyes, blonde hair, and a Supreme Court figure. What do you mean a Supreme Court figure? A Supreme Court figure? What do you mean? No appeal. Besides, I phoned Merle O'Brien about playing a leading talk. You did? Yes. I picked up the receiver and I said, Merle, darling. Merle, sweetheart. Merle, my love. And then? Then I dialed her number. Merle Oberon.
Merle Oberon is stolen our picture. You know, and I I sent for a new fashion designer. What is this that just popped in here? What's that about? Well, now wait a minute. I sent for a new, fashion designer. I is that it? Now he sent. Come in. Good evening, gentlemen. I'm your new fashion designer, Pierre, you, Pierre. To my friends, I'm P. U. You said it, brother. Hey, get over that guy's hair. He's a male Veronica Lake. Pierre, this is Lou Costello. How do you do, Mr. Costello? Thank you, sir. You are just the man I'm looking at. I've not seen you in a long distance. Get away his hair hangs over his face. Pardon me, Pierre. Would your mother ever stay by a sheepdog? Oh, no.
Leave the man alone. We've got to get him to design miss Oberon's clothes. Now no more remarks about his hair. Looks like a palm tree in a high winter. Doesn't it? Well, Mr. Castello, I admit that my hair is a standing joke. Well, it needs a new switch. I don't know what's wrong there. Keep quiet. We must have Ms. Oberon's wardrobe design before she gets here. Pierre, would you mind telling us some of your ideas on women's clothes? Not at all. The main thing is color harmony. Color harmony? What's that? Well, it's very simple, Mr. Costello. For instance, if you were carrying a pink bag, you would not wear a green dress, would you? Oh, gracious. No. I wouldn't wear. Well, I'd be the laughing stock of my sewing circles. Alright. Come on. Never mind. What kind of line is that to get me to get me in? Forget it. Skip those things. Come here, Pierre.
Now, with a shortage of materials, how about something plain for miss O'Brien to wear? We'll call it a, defense dress. How about that? How about making it on a barbed wire? That isn't a fence. It ain't exactly an invitation. Go ahead, Pierre. Suggest a dress for Merle O'Brien. You know something that you can wear in our picture. Well, being a brunette, I would suggest that I make Ms. Auverand a gown of apple green with a peach skirt, lemon trimmings, plum ruffles, an orange belt and a tangerine scarf. Hey, that dress, that's a fruit salad. Nevertheless, that sounds fine. Now what about Merle's hat? Well, the hat should be very simple but very smart. Do you think the boys in camp here would like miss Auverin in a hat that has three roses and a ribbon on the side? No. They'd rather have four roses with a chaser on the side.
I'll get out of here and I'll design the clothes myself. Oh, Costello. You can't design clothes? Is that so? I just invented a lady's leg paint that takes the place of stockings. It even covers the knees. It disguises the knees. You said it. You can hardly recognize the old joints. Well, we let Merle Oberon design her own clothes for the picture. What do you say? Yes. And I'm just the girl who can do it. Now listen, kid. You keep out of this. Look who it is. It's Merle Oberon. Oh, Merle, I'm overjoyed.
[00:11:56] Unknown:
I'm overcome.
[00:11:57] Unknown:
I I'm overwhelmed. I'm over here. Merle, I've always been in love with you. You're so beautiful. Lou, where did you learn to kiss like that? I used to be a bugger in a boy scout. Look, if you folks don't mind, we'll go over the script of the picture that you are going to play tonight. It's a story of the knights of old. Merle, you play a beautiful princess. And you wear a hoop skirt. Hooper? Yeah, hoop skirt. That's a parachute with blades. Costello plays the part of a knight. He's in love with you. I got knights at all. Well, kid, on account of daylight saving time, the nights are getting shorter. As the first scene opens, Merle, you're in the palace, awaiting the arrival of your lover. You are playing the organ. Organ like this.
I'm sorry, boss. I'm okay now, Mr. Costello. Oh, I'm glad you're on. Come on, let's get back on this story. Castell, as a knight, your costume
[00:13:42] Unknown:
is a suit of armor. That's right, Lou. You wear an iron coat, an iron vest and iron trousers. In fact, you wear a whole iron suit. Where do I get oppressed? At Lockheed?
[00:13:52] Unknown:
Now your suit may become rusty, so you better keep yourself well oiled. I'd have to be oiled to make love to you in an iron suit. Myrtle, you walk out on the balcony? Yes. And I sneak right up to it. How do you get across the moat? I caught the guard with his bridges down. Then we have the big scene where Costello serenades you with a song of love.
[00:14:14] Unknown:
And Lou, I will drop a flower on you. In a mad moment of love? No, in a pot.
[00:14:24] Unknown:
Now, Merle, you signal that the coast is clear and Castello, you climb the balcony. You reach Merle's side. You're panting from the long climb in that suit of armor. Yes. That's it. You gaze into her eyes. Remember, this is your big chance. Never mind. No more pants. Hey. No more panting. Never mind that. There's emotion in your voice As you stand there in your suit, what do you say to her? Hey, kid. If you got a can opener Greetings, brave knight. Kindly approach the throne. Greetings, your majesty. I am Sirloin, knight of the bath from Saxony. And I am Sir Portaust, knight of the bath from Constantinople.
What kind of words are I thinking of? I'm Sirloin. Yeah. Turkish bear.
[00:15:11] Unknown:
Greetings, brave knights. I am the princess Guinevere.
[00:15:14] Unknown:
And who are those beautiful dames with you? There are my ladies in waiting. Well, what are we waiting for? Quiet castellums.
[00:15:22] Unknown:
Oh, sir Porterhouse, you must save our kingdom. The people are angry. They're clamoring outside the gates of the palace. Just listen to them clamor.
[00:15:35] Unknown:
Did you hear that? The people are revolting. They certainly are. No,
[00:15:41] Unknown:
no. No, no. The people are starving. They have not eaten in five days. Oh, they should try and force themselves.
[00:15:48] Unknown:
They got to eat. But my dear princess, have we no food?
[00:15:53] Unknown:
Alas, no, the dragon has destroyed our crops. You mean all our corn is gone? Yes. There's only enough left for this program.
[00:16:02] Unknown:
What's so funny about that? What a fresh Listen. Listen to the people shouting. They have been shouting for five days, but I dare not speak to them. I will speak to the people, your majesty. Open the door. I'll make a speech. People of Fracfony. Why doesn't he pick up his feet?
[00:16:39] Unknown:
You don't understand.
[00:16:42] Unknown:
You don't understand. Nobody understood that.
[00:16:47] Unknown:
Today, the dragon is coming to carry off the princess Guinevere.
[00:16:50] Unknown:
You must save me from this mean monster, sir Porterhouse. He's a very mean beast. Okay, kid. He has two heads, one at each end. How does she sit down? Be calm. That's what makes him so mean. Well,
[00:17:05] Unknown:
don't be mean. Don't worry, princess. Alright. I'm a lost one mistake. Alright? I am not afraid of nothing. One time I climbed up a tree and I bagged a ferocious tiger. You went up a tree after a tiger? No. He came up after me. But you said you bagged him. I did bag him. I bagged him to go away, but it wouldn't have happened.
[00:17:31] Unknown:
And what happened?
[00:17:33] Unknown:
Well, I snapped at the tiger, a tiger snapped at me and suddenly something whizzed past me. What was it? Pomona. Pomona, talk sense, will you? Then my uncle came to my rescue and I finally brought that tiger home stuff. What was he just with? My uncle. Oh, Your Majesty, the dragon is almost upon us. He's coming to get the prince. Quick, princess. Put up my Iron suit. Wait a minute. Just a minute. I thought you were a princess. I worked a swing shift on the side. Costello, look at that thing belching smoking fire. Is that the dragon? It ain't a smooch pot.
[00:18:12] Unknown:
I'm getting out of here. Too late. He's got us trapped.
[00:18:16] Unknown:
Here here he comes. Now do what he does. Do exactly what he does. Right. He's staring at you. Stare back at him. I can't. Okay. I can't do it. Quiet. He's roaring at you. Roll back at him. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Now he's wagging his tail. That lets me out. You got him, got a charge. You got a charge? How much?
[00:18:42] Unknown:
No. Quick. Grab him, grab him.
[00:18:46] Unknown:
There's a fancy line. That is something that should only interest another dragon. Now he's coming at you, be Captain Costello. Your back is turned to him. He's coming up behind you. I think that means Where did he get you? Well, if I was wearing a license plate, he would have cut off the last three numbers. Hey. He ruined my suit, my good iron suit he wrote. You nasty legend. Get out of here. Oh, don't do that. Don't yell me. What are you thinking? How can I do the dressing? How can I do the dressing? Stop. What can I do to keep your plan, boss? Are we gonna cut him out? I'm sorry. And it's your own fault for hollering at him. There's only one thing that will cure my hiccups.
[00:19:49] Unknown:
If you let me kiss miss Oberon Oh, very well, I'll kiss you. If only you'll stop the lawful hiccups. Go ahead, Botsford. Kiss her. Okay.
[00:20:01] Unknown:
How do you feel now, Buttsman? Oh, I feel fine.
