In this lively episode, we dive into a comedic skit featuring the antics of Lou Costello and his adventures at his Uncle Artie's ranch. Costello humorously recounts his experiences with sailors picking vegetables and movie stars working in a potato patch, all while dealing with the challenges of early morning farm life. The episode is filled with witty exchanges and classic humor, as Costello navigates through misunderstandings and playful banter with his friends and family.
As the episode progresses, Costello finds himself working at a department store for a Mother's Day sale, where he and his partner, Abbott, attempt to make sales to the glamorous screen star, Miss Pless River. The comedic duo faces challenges with their unconventional sales tactics and humorous misunderstandings, leading to a series of laugh-out-loud moments. This episode is a delightful blend of slapstick comedy and clever dialogue, showcasing the timeless humor of Abbott and Costello.
(00:30) Judy's Casino Adventure
(01:05) Costello's Ranch Tales
(03:06) Draft Board Encounter
(05:02) Mother's Day Preparations
(10:19) Department Store Antics
(15:20) Shopping with Miss Trevor
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[00:00:00]
Unknown:
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[00:00:05] Unknown:
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[00:00:20] Unknown:
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[00:00:31] Unknown:
Judy was boring. Hello. Then Judy discovered jumbocasino.com. It's my little escape. Now Judy's the life of the party. Oh, baby. Mama's bringing home the bacon. Take it easy, Judy. Chumba. The Chumba Life is for everybody. So go to Chumbacasino.com and play over a hundred casino style games. Join today and play for free for your chance to redeem some serious prizes. Jumper. JumperCasino.com. No purchase necessary for you. We're permitted by law. 18 plus terms and conditions applies. See website for details. Oh, there you are, Cartella.
Hey. Come here, you. Where have you been for the last three or four days? Uh-oh. Where have you been, Lou? I've been looking all over for you. Oh, well, I've been up to my Uncle Artie Stevens Ranch. I was picking vegetables. I'm helping with the labor shortage of it. That that very commendable cut. Oh. Sure. Yes. Oh, that's me. I've been to you. Yeah. That I I I have everybody helping out. Yes. You should. And there was even a bunch of sailors working up there with me. Sailors picking vegetables? Yeah. What a sight. It's the first time I ever saw sailors picking up tomatoes without whistling at them. Who else is up at the ranch beside you? Oh, I had a lot of beautiful movie stars up there with me, Evan. You did? I had Darcy Lamore. I had Betty Grable. Mhmm. They were working in a potato patch. Yeah. But we had to make them stop. Why? The potatoes were coming up safe.
Russell, is that ranch life a little strenuous to you? Oh, you said it. Every morning, I get up at 4AM and I milk the cows with my left hand. You milk the cows with your left hand? Good. That's my old cow hand. Oh, awesome. That's my old cow hand. Alright. Alright. Alright. Alright. Alright. Just I like to real quick. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I'd like to see you getting up at four in the morning. Yeah. Wasn't it dark? Oh, dark. What I got this morning was so dark that me and my uncle Artie started milking the same cow. You both tried to milk the same cow? Yep. There I was on the left side of the cow's crack taste, milking away.
And my upper seven was on the right side, when suddenly I felt something pulling my finger. That's strange. I'll say, I squeezed many a cow my day, but that's the first time a cow ever squeezed me. Tatela, do you realize while you were out of town, the man from your draft board was looking for you? I know he was, and he told me too. He walked up to me while I was milking that cow and he tapped me on his shoulder. What did he say? He said, young man, why is you at the front? And what did you say? I should be costing any any milk on that end. Oh, it's Ken Miles. Hello, Ken. Well, I see the fat boy's back. Where's Costello been all week? He just got back from his uncle Seven's farm. Oh, the farm. Right? Mhmm. I suppose he brought back a load of corn for the program.
Look, hilarious. I'd like to take you up to the farm. My uncle Sevens could use a man like you in a store field. He could? Yeah. His deck, Jack, row, was drafted. Costello, why do you always try to match with with 10 miles? He's a college man. That's right, Costello. Yes. I am a college man. I was a cheerleader at Southern California. I was the first cheerleader to have the students stand up and form the letters USC. Oh, I remember that. You were the one in the middle. You made a s out of yourself. Cut that out, Costello. Hello?
Alright. Good old USC. That's where I met my little wife. She was studying to be an etymologist. Studying to be a what? An etymologist. Yes, Costello. That's a person who goes around chasing little bugs. Oh, you mean she was a chambermaid? Costello, how can you say that about a beautiful woman like missus Niles? Beautiful woman. You heard me. The last time I saw a face like that was on a bottle of iodine. Oh, I heard that remark, Costello. Well, what are you sneaking in for? Where have you been, missus Niles? I'll have you know I just came for the perfect surgeon. Place closed.
The perfect surgeon spent two hours lifting my face. You look like he was a threat. Costello, I think he did a beautiful job. That was no job. That was a project. Listen, Costello. There's nothing I can do about my face. I can't help the way it looks. Well, you could stay home. I mean, you don't have to go roaming around. Alright. Alright. Don't don't pay any attention to the customer, missus Miles. He's all puffed up because he did a little work on his uncle's farm over the weekend. Yep. This is nurse. I'm a big outdoor man. Yes. I know. Every time I get pushed through, I realize that you belong outdoors.
[00:05:13] Unknown:
Oh, you certainly don't got Stella off that time, dear.
[00:05:17] Unknown:
You make me feel like I'm floating on air. Oh, no, Kenneth. You make me feel like I'm floating on air. Oh, but I insist, dear. I'm floating on air. And I say that I'm floating on air. Ladies and gentlemen, you have just heard from a couple of old gas bags. Costello, what's the matter with you? Hey. I made it. Yeah. I know. I know. You should have more respect for missus Miles. Don't you realize that Sunday is Mother's Day? Yeah. But that's right. I almost forgot. I even wrote a beautiful poem. I dedicated the poem to you, missus Niles. A poem for me? I do. That's lovely. Go ahead and read it for me. Okay.
It is entitled to missus Niles at Springtime. Here I go. Lilacs blooming on the hill, give my heart a springtime thrill. You are the master. I am a slave. Yeah. Just go on. You are master. I am slave. Go scrape your pen with Burma's j.
[00:06:40] Unknown:
I'm a failure, Pat. A failure. Look at this. A survey from the town of Wolf, Nevada. In Wump, no one no one is looking for cigarettes that won't go flat no matter how many you smoke. Oh, dear. No one? No one. In Wump, everyone smokes Camel. Everybody just goes around with a happy expression knowing that Camel cigarettes have more flavor because they're expertly blended of cosmere tobacco. Woah. Woah. Woah. What's bad about that, Kenneth? In the middle of Wump's Main Street, there's a statue with a t in its face like like in the Camel ad. Then in whoop, everybody has tried camels in his face and throat, the t zone proving ground for camel's rich extra flavor and smooth extra miles. Well, then why are you crying, Kenneth? Then, of course, we all know that in whoop, justice everywhere, camel cigarettes are fresh and cool smoking, and they're packed to go around the world. Well, then stop crying, Kenneth.
Oh, failure. Failure. Everyone in one pears the Abbott and Costello show, but this survey shows that only 85 people know that Abbott and Costello were sponsored by Camel. Only 85.
[00:07:45] Unknown:
Now Kenneth, look. It says here the population of one fifty seventy two. Well, well, what do you know? Hey, Emmett. So long. I'll see you later. Come back here, Castello. Where are you going? Oh, I'm going back to my uncle who goes, man. But, what are you doing with those boxing gloves on? I'm in my Uncle Artie sevens Ranch. I always forget my Uncle Artie sevens. Uh-huh. What'd you say? I say, what are you doing with those boxing gloves on? Oh, my Uncle Artie sevens are helping punch cows. Oh. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, no. But I'm not. You're staying right here in town. Now this Sunday is Mother's Day. Missus Niles just called, and they need a lot of help over at Bigger Bottom's Department Store. Oh, Bigger Bottom. Yeah. My cousin, Cartwright Louie. He's a store detective there. Look. Here's a picture of him, wearing his back. My goodness. He's very cross eyed. Yep. How could he be a detective? Are you kidding? Take a good look at the picture. Yeah. Can you tell who he's watching? No. Come in.
Pardon me, ladies. My name is Jock McGregor. Was your mother ever frightened by a riveter? You cannot say that, McGregor. Hey. Quiet, doc, Stella. What can we do for you, mister McGregor? So if you didn't mind, I'd like to say a few words in your microphone. I got it. In order for me to talk to this guy, I'll have to practice up on my side. Alright, leggy. And it's a brave brick neck neck neck, jerk jack. Thank you. Hello, mother. This is your son, Jack. I want to wish you a happy Mother's Day. And try to get here from New York if you can. I know you didn't wanna spend the money for the fair, so walk down the road aways. You might be fortunate enough to get yourself kidnapped by gypsies and save the cost of transportation. Hey. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. What do you think you're doing? I'm talking to my mother in New York. But, Josh, that's crazy. She can't talk back to you on the radio. How do you expect to get an answer? Yeah. No worry, lad. She'll answer me next week on Fred Allen's program.
Get out, brother. Will you keep those guys out of here, rabbit? How do you think, Costello? Everybody's thinking of Mother's Day. The stores will be crowded, so let's go over to Bigger Bottom and give missus Niles a hand. Okay. Alright, Costello. Here's the employment office. Now if you wanna go to work in this department, this department store, you will have to fill out this application blank. Now let's see. Here's the first question. What's your name? Luke Costello. You know that? Hey. Yes. Yes. I know that. Born. Born? Certainly.
I think my folks got me with a rash and two pounds. Alright. Alright. Talk sense. Now, what day were you born? Thursday. How do you know it was Thursday? Well, it's the next day we had fish. Alright. Well, let's skip your birthday. You always do. You never give me Never mind that now. How much do you weigh? I don't remember of it. Well, what did the little card say the last time you got on the scale? It said, you will take a trip over water. And what happened? I fell in the store. Oh, South is nonsense. Now we've gotta get this application filled out. Now let's see. We have height, weight. Oh, here's the next question. Hair. Hair?
What do you think this is on my head? Broccoli? No. I mean I mean the color of your hair. It's hard to tell the color because your hair is very thin. My hair is thin. Yes. So what? Who wants bad hair? No. Don't be stupid. Here's another question. While working in the store and you happen to have an accident, whom do you wish to notify? Me. I wanna be the first to know. Alright. Do you have any mark of identification? Yes, sir. I got a hole in my left stocking. Hey. You wanna see that? No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. Take it off. Alright. Come out. We can play this place, please. Quiet, please. Please. Please. That that's all the questions except for your education. Did you go to school? Oh, sure. I went to school. Seems like only yesterday that I was in the fourth grade. When were you in the fourth grade? Yesterday.
Good morning, boy. Is there something I can do for you? I'm mister Plushface, the manager, you know. Yes. We're Abbott and Costello. Missus Miles said you needed some help for, the Mother's Day sale. Yes. Well, have you boys had any experience working in stores? Yes, sir. I used to be a credit manager. Where? At the five and ten. But they fired me. Why? I couldn't remember the prices. Oh, well. We're so short of help we can even use a moron these days. Now, mister Costello, just step us behind the train training out of here, and we'll try our Give it up. You'll make the tip. Yes. Now now you be the salesman, and I'll be the customer. Now here I come. Good morning, sir. How much you're bathing, sir? 50¢. 50 cents. Aren't you a little dear? Yes. I am. And you're kinda cute yourself.
Cut it out. Cut it out. You're right. I'm again. Fuck. How much your bathing cap? 50¢. Isn't that a little expensive? Really, you can get them across three for a time. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No Good morning, sir. Oh, back again. Hey. No. No. No. You've never seen me before. Oh, yes. I have. I never forget a face, especially a puss like a yo. Mind that, Costello. He wants to buy a bathing cap. See? I told you he was in here before. No. This is ridiculous. Let's switch around. Now I'll be the salesman, and you'll be the cop. Now you go out that very door, and I'll tell you a bathing cap for 50¢. But I can get them across the street for a time, and, Castella, go out that door and come in again. Okay. And remember, you're buying a bailing cap. Okay.
Right now. Good morning, sir. What do you want? I don't want anything. Then what did you come in here for? It's raining outside. Listen. You want your bathing cap? Oh, no. It ain't raining that hot. Oh, what a dummy. Costello, go out that door and come in again. You've got to buy a bathing cap. Okay. If you say so. Alright, Costello. Come in again. Costello. Costello. Did you hear the man? Come in again. Hello? Bigger bottoms department store. Hello? Hello? This is Lou Costello. If I haven't checked, Costello, where are you? In the drugstore across the street. What are you doing over there? I ain't getting paid for a night. I give up. I give up. So you know, Costello, it certainly was nice of missus Niles to get us a job in this department store. Yeah. We've been pretty busy too, Evan. Hey. How much money have we taken in so far? $300.
3 hundred dollars? Mhmm. That's enough for us. Now we can stop looking for the store. Come on, boy. Get busy. Get busy. Uh-oh. It's missus Niles. Quit loitering behind that tower and wait on the customer. Oh, and while I'm here, I think I'll use my employee's discount and buy myself a pair of slacks. For a slacks, You take size fifty two, don't you? Well, yes. I do. How could you sell? I used to make saddles for Seabiscuit. Oh, no wonder you haven't sold anything all morning. Now I'm going to give you one more chance. Here comes our store's most important customer. She's that lovely screen star, miss Pless River.
Well, hello, boys. Can you take care of me? Can we? We can. If you two guys don't jump back over that counter, I'll call the store detective. Now let's make with the shopping. My boyfriend opened up a charge account for me. He's got plenty of dough. Made it in oil. Fruity? Never with me. You misinterpreted me. I doubt it. You doubt it? Yes. Now look, I wanna get him a nice present. He's 82 years old. 82 years old? Yeah. Why don't you get him a bowl? A bowl? Yes. Something to soak his bread in. Take it easy, Costello. Take it easy. You wanna get us fired? Tell me, miss Trevor. Yes. Could we interest you in some, perfume for your mother for mother's day? Now that's an idea. Have you got Cody's cheap? Have we got what? Cody's cheap? No, ma'am. But we got the carte's goat.
I think we better skip the perfume. Oh, come on, miss Trevor. Why don't you try a little squirt? You don't appeal to me. You are misinterpreting me. I don't think so. I think so. Alright. Miss Trevor, try this perfume here. It's our most expensive brand. $90 an ounce. Oh, let me smell it. I'll take 50¢ for it. You've just whipped $2 worth and stuck in an extra whip. I don't know why. Right. I will you've set up, Costello, so I can make a sale. Miss Trevor, maybe we could interest you in a gift for a service, ma'am. Now that's an idea. What would you suggest for a sailor about 35? A blonde, about 21. Oh, look, boys. I can't stay in the store all day. I'd like to get something for myself. You know, something snappy. Something snappy? Yeah. Real snappy? Mhmm. Would you like a turtle or a girdle?
But you don't understand. Do you have any notion? Oh, I have my moment. Pardon me, miss. Now look here, you two clerks. What kind of a department are you running here? Look at those messy shells. Look at that stuff strewn all over the counter. Why can't it be neat and tidy? This place is so sloppy that I can hardly stand to look at it. Well, if you don't like the way it was doing, why don't you fire it? Dad, I don't even work here. That's how I was right. Now I'm gonna get somebody with a brain to wait on me. Just a second, miss Trevor. I am not used to getting fresh stock. You've no idea how much it would improve your appearance. You are a fresh day. Giselle, you No. No. No. No. No. Please remember our jobs.
Suppose we look around the store, miss Trevor. Alright. I think I'll do some shopping on the upper floors. Okay. Tally needs the oscillator. No. No. No. You mean escalator. You know what an oscillator is. It's a person who wants to kiss all the time. Tally need, babe, but don't ask any questions. Never mind here, miss Trevor. Let's take this elevator. Step right in place. Up and down. What else have you got? Take me up to the Twentieth Floor, please. Roof garden all out. Costello. Costello, where are you? Yeah. See this flag flow? Yes. The flag is me.
Oh, slide down and I'll catch you. Okay. Now what happened? I am now at Hackmat. For goodness sake, where's miss Trevor? Miss Trevor, are you in the elevator? In it. I'm wearing it. Look. Will you please take me down to the Seventh Floor? Hold on. What's the matter, miss Trevor? Did we come down too fast for you? Oh, no. I always wear my girdle around my neck. Step this way, miss Trevor. Here's our fur department. Can we show you something? Well, I don't know. Have you got, a spotted leopard? No. But we got a dirty mink? Wait a minute, Costello. Hey. Hey. I have an idea. Now there's something that looks nice. Go ahead and grab that little number over there.
Wrong number. Hey, miss Trevor. Here's a beautiful fur coat you'd like. What in the world is that? That's genuine weasel with built in mothballs. Costello, did your mother ever have any children that live? No, ma'am. We just Now boys boys, I've been watching you boys. Oh, it's the floor walker. Floor walker. This guy is flying. Look here you two. Mrs. Miles asked me to tell you that unless you sell something to discover immediately, you'll have to turn in your pencils and your dick pick up. Oh, you did. Please, miss Trevor. Don't don't make us lose our jobs. Yes, miss Trevor. We've gotta make at least one sale. How about some snowshoes? I never go out in the snow. Well, how about some sandals? I never go out in the sand. Oh, how about some oxfords? I've never been out with an ox. Why don't you try it sometime? What are you doing tonight? Nothing. Let me go to Oxnard. I haven't got Stella. We'll be back in just a moment.
With the Lucky Land Sluts, you can get lucky just about anywhere.
[00:00:05] Unknown:
This is your captain speaking. We've got clear runway and the weather is fine, but we're just gonna circle up here a while and, get lucky. No. No. Nothing like that. It's just these cash prizes add up quick. So I suggest you sit back, keep your tray table upright, and start getting lucky.
[00:00:20] Unknown:
Play for free at luckylandslots.com. Are you feeling lucky? No purchase necessary. Prohibited by law. 18 plus terms and conditions apply. See website for details.
[00:00:31] Unknown:
Judy was boring. Hello. Then Judy discovered jumbocasino.com. It's my little escape. Now Judy's the life of the party. Oh, baby. Mama's bringing home the bacon. Take it easy, Judy. Chumba. The Chumba Life is for everybody. So go to Chumbacasino.com and play over a hundred casino style games. Join today and play for free for your chance to redeem some serious prizes. Jumper. JumperCasino.com. No purchase necessary for you. We're permitted by law. 18 plus terms and conditions applies. See website for details. Oh, there you are, Cartella.
Hey. Come here, you. Where have you been for the last three or four days? Uh-oh. Where have you been, Lou? I've been looking all over for you. Oh, well, I've been up to my Uncle Artie Stevens Ranch. I was picking vegetables. I'm helping with the labor shortage of it. That that very commendable cut. Oh. Sure. Yes. Oh, that's me. I've been to you. Yeah. That I I I have everybody helping out. Yes. You should. And there was even a bunch of sailors working up there with me. Sailors picking vegetables? Yeah. What a sight. It's the first time I ever saw sailors picking up tomatoes without whistling at them. Who else is up at the ranch beside you? Oh, I had a lot of beautiful movie stars up there with me, Evan. You did? I had Darcy Lamore. I had Betty Grable. Mhmm. They were working in a potato patch. Yeah. But we had to make them stop. Why? The potatoes were coming up safe.
Russell, is that ranch life a little strenuous to you? Oh, you said it. Every morning, I get up at 4AM and I milk the cows with my left hand. You milk the cows with your left hand? Good. That's my old cow hand. Oh, awesome. That's my old cow hand. Alright. Alright. Alright. Alright. Alright. Just I like to real quick. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I'd like to see you getting up at four in the morning. Yeah. Wasn't it dark? Oh, dark. What I got this morning was so dark that me and my uncle Artie started milking the same cow. You both tried to milk the same cow? Yep. There I was on the left side of the cow's crack taste, milking away.
And my upper seven was on the right side, when suddenly I felt something pulling my finger. That's strange. I'll say, I squeezed many a cow my day, but that's the first time a cow ever squeezed me. Tatela, do you realize while you were out of town, the man from your draft board was looking for you? I know he was, and he told me too. He walked up to me while I was milking that cow and he tapped me on his shoulder. What did he say? He said, young man, why is you at the front? And what did you say? I should be costing any any milk on that end. Oh, it's Ken Miles. Hello, Ken. Well, I see the fat boy's back. Where's Costello been all week? He just got back from his uncle Seven's farm. Oh, the farm. Right? Mhmm. I suppose he brought back a load of corn for the program.
Look, hilarious. I'd like to take you up to the farm. My uncle Sevens could use a man like you in a store field. He could? Yeah. His deck, Jack, row, was drafted. Costello, why do you always try to match with with 10 miles? He's a college man. That's right, Costello. Yes. I am a college man. I was a cheerleader at Southern California. I was the first cheerleader to have the students stand up and form the letters USC. Oh, I remember that. You were the one in the middle. You made a s out of yourself. Cut that out, Costello. Hello?
Alright. Good old USC. That's where I met my little wife. She was studying to be an etymologist. Studying to be a what? An etymologist. Yes, Costello. That's a person who goes around chasing little bugs. Oh, you mean she was a chambermaid? Costello, how can you say that about a beautiful woman like missus Niles? Beautiful woman. You heard me. The last time I saw a face like that was on a bottle of iodine. Oh, I heard that remark, Costello. Well, what are you sneaking in for? Where have you been, missus Niles? I'll have you know I just came for the perfect surgeon. Place closed.
The perfect surgeon spent two hours lifting my face. You look like he was a threat. Costello, I think he did a beautiful job. That was no job. That was a project. Listen, Costello. There's nothing I can do about my face. I can't help the way it looks. Well, you could stay home. I mean, you don't have to go roaming around. Alright. Alright. Don't don't pay any attention to the customer, missus Miles. He's all puffed up because he did a little work on his uncle's farm over the weekend. Yep. This is nurse. I'm a big outdoor man. Yes. I know. Every time I get pushed through, I realize that you belong outdoors.
[00:05:13] Unknown:
Oh, you certainly don't got Stella off that time, dear.
[00:05:17] Unknown:
You make me feel like I'm floating on air. Oh, no, Kenneth. You make me feel like I'm floating on air. Oh, but I insist, dear. I'm floating on air. And I say that I'm floating on air. Ladies and gentlemen, you have just heard from a couple of old gas bags. Costello, what's the matter with you? Hey. I made it. Yeah. I know. I know. You should have more respect for missus Miles. Don't you realize that Sunday is Mother's Day? Yeah. But that's right. I almost forgot. I even wrote a beautiful poem. I dedicated the poem to you, missus Niles. A poem for me? I do. That's lovely. Go ahead and read it for me. Okay.
It is entitled to missus Niles at Springtime. Here I go. Lilacs blooming on the hill, give my heart a springtime thrill. You are the master. I am a slave. Yeah. Just go on. You are master. I am slave. Go scrape your pen with Burma's j.
[00:06:40] Unknown:
I'm a failure, Pat. A failure. Look at this. A survey from the town of Wolf, Nevada. In Wump, no one no one is looking for cigarettes that won't go flat no matter how many you smoke. Oh, dear. No one? No one. In Wump, everyone smokes Camel. Everybody just goes around with a happy expression knowing that Camel cigarettes have more flavor because they're expertly blended of cosmere tobacco. Woah. Woah. Woah. What's bad about that, Kenneth? In the middle of Wump's Main Street, there's a statue with a t in its face like like in the Camel ad. Then in whoop, everybody has tried camels in his face and throat, the t zone proving ground for camel's rich extra flavor and smooth extra miles. Well, then why are you crying, Kenneth? Then, of course, we all know that in whoop, justice everywhere, camel cigarettes are fresh and cool smoking, and they're packed to go around the world. Well, then stop crying, Kenneth.
Oh, failure. Failure. Everyone in one pears the Abbott and Costello show, but this survey shows that only 85 people know that Abbott and Costello were sponsored by Camel. Only 85.
[00:07:45] Unknown:
Now Kenneth, look. It says here the population of one fifty seventy two. Well, well, what do you know? Hey, Emmett. So long. I'll see you later. Come back here, Castello. Where are you going? Oh, I'm going back to my uncle who goes, man. But, what are you doing with those boxing gloves on? I'm in my Uncle Artie sevens Ranch. I always forget my Uncle Artie sevens. Uh-huh. What'd you say? I say, what are you doing with those boxing gloves on? Oh, my Uncle Artie sevens are helping punch cows. Oh. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, no. But I'm not. You're staying right here in town. Now this Sunday is Mother's Day. Missus Niles just called, and they need a lot of help over at Bigger Bottom's Department Store. Oh, Bigger Bottom. Yeah. My cousin, Cartwright Louie. He's a store detective there. Look. Here's a picture of him, wearing his back. My goodness. He's very cross eyed. Yep. How could he be a detective? Are you kidding? Take a good look at the picture. Yeah. Can you tell who he's watching? No. Come in.
Pardon me, ladies. My name is Jock McGregor. Was your mother ever frightened by a riveter? You cannot say that, McGregor. Hey. Quiet, doc, Stella. What can we do for you, mister McGregor? So if you didn't mind, I'd like to say a few words in your microphone. I got it. In order for me to talk to this guy, I'll have to practice up on my side. Alright, leggy. And it's a brave brick neck neck neck, jerk jack. Thank you. Hello, mother. This is your son, Jack. I want to wish you a happy Mother's Day. And try to get here from New York if you can. I know you didn't wanna spend the money for the fair, so walk down the road aways. You might be fortunate enough to get yourself kidnapped by gypsies and save the cost of transportation. Hey. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. What do you think you're doing? I'm talking to my mother in New York. But, Josh, that's crazy. She can't talk back to you on the radio. How do you expect to get an answer? Yeah. No worry, lad. She'll answer me next week on Fred Allen's program.
Get out, brother. Will you keep those guys out of here, rabbit? How do you think, Costello? Everybody's thinking of Mother's Day. The stores will be crowded, so let's go over to Bigger Bottom and give missus Niles a hand. Okay. Alright, Costello. Here's the employment office. Now if you wanna go to work in this department, this department store, you will have to fill out this application blank. Now let's see. Here's the first question. What's your name? Luke Costello. You know that? Hey. Yes. Yes. I know that. Born. Born? Certainly.
I think my folks got me with a rash and two pounds. Alright. Alright. Talk sense. Now, what day were you born? Thursday. How do you know it was Thursday? Well, it's the next day we had fish. Alright. Well, let's skip your birthday. You always do. You never give me Never mind that now. How much do you weigh? I don't remember of it. Well, what did the little card say the last time you got on the scale? It said, you will take a trip over water. And what happened? I fell in the store. Oh, South is nonsense. Now we've gotta get this application filled out. Now let's see. We have height, weight. Oh, here's the next question. Hair. Hair?
What do you think this is on my head? Broccoli? No. I mean I mean the color of your hair. It's hard to tell the color because your hair is very thin. My hair is thin. Yes. So what? Who wants bad hair? No. Don't be stupid. Here's another question. While working in the store and you happen to have an accident, whom do you wish to notify? Me. I wanna be the first to know. Alright. Do you have any mark of identification? Yes, sir. I got a hole in my left stocking. Hey. You wanna see that? No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. Take it off. Alright. Come out. We can play this place, please. Quiet, please. Please. Please. That that's all the questions except for your education. Did you go to school? Oh, sure. I went to school. Seems like only yesterday that I was in the fourth grade. When were you in the fourth grade? Yesterday.
Good morning, boy. Is there something I can do for you? I'm mister Plushface, the manager, you know. Yes. We're Abbott and Costello. Missus Miles said you needed some help for, the Mother's Day sale. Yes. Well, have you boys had any experience working in stores? Yes, sir. I used to be a credit manager. Where? At the five and ten. But they fired me. Why? I couldn't remember the prices. Oh, well. We're so short of help we can even use a moron these days. Now, mister Costello, just step us behind the train training out of here, and we'll try our Give it up. You'll make the tip. Yes. Now now you be the salesman, and I'll be the customer. Now here I come. Good morning, sir. How much you're bathing, sir? 50¢. 50 cents. Aren't you a little dear? Yes. I am. And you're kinda cute yourself.
Cut it out. Cut it out. You're right. I'm again. Fuck. How much your bathing cap? 50¢. Isn't that a little expensive? Really, you can get them across three for a time. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No Good morning, sir. Oh, back again. Hey. No. No. No. You've never seen me before. Oh, yes. I have. I never forget a face, especially a puss like a yo. Mind that, Costello. He wants to buy a bathing cap. See? I told you he was in here before. No. This is ridiculous. Let's switch around. Now I'll be the salesman, and you'll be the cop. Now you go out that very door, and I'll tell you a bathing cap for 50¢. But I can get them across the street for a time, and, Castella, go out that door and come in again. Okay. And remember, you're buying a bailing cap. Okay.
Right now. Good morning, sir. What do you want? I don't want anything. Then what did you come in here for? It's raining outside. Listen. You want your bathing cap? Oh, no. It ain't raining that hot. Oh, what a dummy. Costello, go out that door and come in again. You've got to buy a bathing cap. Okay. If you say so. Alright, Costello. Come in again. Costello. Costello. Did you hear the man? Come in again. Hello? Bigger bottoms department store. Hello? Hello? This is Lou Costello. If I haven't checked, Costello, where are you? In the drugstore across the street. What are you doing over there? I ain't getting paid for a night. I give up. I give up. So you know, Costello, it certainly was nice of missus Niles to get us a job in this department store. Yeah. We've been pretty busy too, Evan. Hey. How much money have we taken in so far? $300.
3 hundred dollars? Mhmm. That's enough for us. Now we can stop looking for the store. Come on, boy. Get busy. Get busy. Uh-oh. It's missus Niles. Quit loitering behind that tower and wait on the customer. Oh, and while I'm here, I think I'll use my employee's discount and buy myself a pair of slacks. For a slacks, You take size fifty two, don't you? Well, yes. I do. How could you sell? I used to make saddles for Seabiscuit. Oh, no wonder you haven't sold anything all morning. Now I'm going to give you one more chance. Here comes our store's most important customer. She's that lovely screen star, miss Pless River.
Well, hello, boys. Can you take care of me? Can we? We can. If you two guys don't jump back over that counter, I'll call the store detective. Now let's make with the shopping. My boyfriend opened up a charge account for me. He's got plenty of dough. Made it in oil. Fruity? Never with me. You misinterpreted me. I doubt it. You doubt it? Yes. Now look, I wanna get him a nice present. He's 82 years old. 82 years old? Yeah. Why don't you get him a bowl? A bowl? Yes. Something to soak his bread in. Take it easy, Costello. Take it easy. You wanna get us fired? Tell me, miss Trevor. Yes. Could we interest you in some, perfume for your mother for mother's day? Now that's an idea. Have you got Cody's cheap? Have we got what? Cody's cheap? No, ma'am. But we got the carte's goat.
I think we better skip the perfume. Oh, come on, miss Trevor. Why don't you try a little squirt? You don't appeal to me. You are misinterpreting me. I don't think so. I think so. Alright. Miss Trevor, try this perfume here. It's our most expensive brand. $90 an ounce. Oh, let me smell it. I'll take 50¢ for it. You've just whipped $2 worth and stuck in an extra whip. I don't know why. Right. I will you've set up, Costello, so I can make a sale. Miss Trevor, maybe we could interest you in a gift for a service, ma'am. Now that's an idea. What would you suggest for a sailor about 35? A blonde, about 21. Oh, look, boys. I can't stay in the store all day. I'd like to get something for myself. You know, something snappy. Something snappy? Yeah. Real snappy? Mhmm. Would you like a turtle or a girdle?
But you don't understand. Do you have any notion? Oh, I have my moment. Pardon me, miss. Now look here, you two clerks. What kind of a department are you running here? Look at those messy shells. Look at that stuff strewn all over the counter. Why can't it be neat and tidy? This place is so sloppy that I can hardly stand to look at it. Well, if you don't like the way it was doing, why don't you fire it? Dad, I don't even work here. That's how I was right. Now I'm gonna get somebody with a brain to wait on me. Just a second, miss Trevor. I am not used to getting fresh stock. You've no idea how much it would improve your appearance. You are a fresh day. Giselle, you No. No. No. No. No. Please remember our jobs.
Suppose we look around the store, miss Trevor. Alright. I think I'll do some shopping on the upper floors. Okay. Tally needs the oscillator. No. No. No. You mean escalator. You know what an oscillator is. It's a person who wants to kiss all the time. Tally need, babe, but don't ask any questions. Never mind here, miss Trevor. Let's take this elevator. Step right in place. Up and down. What else have you got? Take me up to the Twentieth Floor, please. Roof garden all out. Costello. Costello, where are you? Yeah. See this flag flow? Yes. The flag is me.
Oh, slide down and I'll catch you. Okay. Now what happened? I am now at Hackmat. For goodness sake, where's miss Trevor? Miss Trevor, are you in the elevator? In it. I'm wearing it. Look. Will you please take me down to the Seventh Floor? Hold on. What's the matter, miss Trevor? Did we come down too fast for you? Oh, no. I always wear my girdle around my neck. Step this way, miss Trevor. Here's our fur department. Can we show you something? Well, I don't know. Have you got, a spotted leopard? No. But we got a dirty mink? Wait a minute, Costello. Hey. Hey. I have an idea. Now there's something that looks nice. Go ahead and grab that little number over there.
Wrong number. Hey, miss Trevor. Here's a beautiful fur coat you'd like. What in the world is that? That's genuine weasel with built in mothballs. Costello, did your mother ever have any children that live? No, ma'am. We just Now boys boys, I've been watching you boys. Oh, it's the floor walker. Floor walker. This guy is flying. Look here you two. Mrs. Miles asked me to tell you that unless you sell something to discover immediately, you'll have to turn in your pencils and your dick pick up. Oh, you did. Please, miss Trevor. Don't don't make us lose our jobs. Yes, miss Trevor. We've gotta make at least one sale. How about some snowshoes? I never go out in the snow. Well, how about some sandals? I never go out in the sand. Oh, how about some oxfords? I've never been out with an ox. Why don't you try it sometime? What are you doing tonight? Nothing. Let me go to Oxnard. I haven't got Stella. We'll be back in just a moment.
