In this lively episode, Ryan brings a touch of humor and nostalgia as he discusses the joys of Chumba Casino, where you can play your favorite social casino-style games for free, anytime and anywhere. The episode takes a comedic turn with a humorous skit featuring the legendary Rudy Vallee, as he joins the show for a playful exchange filled with witty banter and classic comedic misunderstandings. The skit revolves around a rumor about Rudy's singing style, leading to a series of hilarious interactions between the characters.
The episode also features a comedic rendition of "Jack and the Beanstalk," with Lou Costello taking the lead role. The story is filled with humorous interruptions and playful exchanges, showcasing the comedic talents of the cast. Rudy Vallee's presence adds a touch of class and charm, as he assists in the storytelling with his signature style. The episode is a delightful mix of humor, nostalgia, and entertainment, sure to bring a smile to listeners' faces.
(00:00) Introduction and Chumba Casino
(01:09) Rudy Vallee's Guest Appearance
(03:00) Professor Mellencair's Visit
(07:13) Rudy Vallee's Arrival
(13:27) Jack and the Beanstalk Play
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[00:00:00]
Unknown:
Hello. It is Ryan, and we could all use an extra bright spot in our day, couldn't we? Just to make up for things like sitting in traffic, doing the dishes, counting your steps, you know, all the mundane stuff. That is why I'm such a big fan of Chumba Casino. Chumba Casino has all your favorite social casino style games that you can play for free anytime, anywhere with daily bonuses. That should brighten your day low. Actually, a lot. So sign up now at ChumbaCasino.com. That's ChumbaCasino.com.
[00:00:31] Unknown:
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[00:00:59] Unknown:
Welcome to the family. No purchase necessary. VGW Group. We're prohibited by law. 18 plus. Terms and conditions apply. Well, it's about time you got here, Cartel. This is going to be a big night on our program. I've invited Rudy Vallee to be our guest. Rudy Vallee? Yep. But his program follows our program. You mean it's funny he's gonna be on our program and then sing for a half hour on his own program? What's wrong? That means you'll be on the air for a whole hour. What's wrong with that? His nose is gonna be awfully tired. No. No. No. No. No. No. That's that. The Rudy Valley does not sing to his nose. That's false. Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. I didn't know he had a false nose. He hasn't got a false nose. It's it's the rumor that's false.
Rumor is false? Certainly. Why is he taking that kind of rumor that No. No. He doesn't take he doesn't take in rumors. Lou, some people say that Rudy Valley sings through his nose, and I found out it was a false rumor. Oh, you mean Rudy's ventriloquist? No. No. He's not a ventriloquist. Then why has he got a rumor singing to his nose? But, Stella, there's a there's no rumor singing through his nose. When I say rumor, I don't mean a rumor like a boiler. The kind of rumor I mean is, spreading false tales. Rumor of spreading a false tale? That's right. That I gotta see.
See what? I'd like to see Bali sing a true false nose while there's rumors that they're wagging false tails. Stop, Carstella. For the last time, I'm trying to tell you there's a false tail on Bali's nose. Oh, now he's got a tail on his nose. Catello, please. Who'd you rule with? Licki Mountain? Will you stop talking like an idiot? Look at him. Tell me what's it. Rudy's got a nose, hasn't he? Yes. And he seems to his nose, don't he? No. That's a rumor. That's a rumor, Steve? No. And what is he doing in his nose? The the rumor is not in his nose. The rumor is on his nose. Where some people won't go to find a place to live. Quiet. Quiet. Stay quiet, cuddellus. Now that may be rudely dally now. Come in.
Good evening, gentlemen. I am professor Mellencair. Mellencair is. And you look at them. I have a tetra stethoscope. Right. That's stellar behavior though. What can we do for you, professor? Well, I, sir, am mister Rudy Vallee's portrait advisor. Yes, sir. It's my duty to investigate the mentality goals and who mister Vallee comes to contact. You see, mister Valley only associates with eyebrows. Eyebrow? Yes. I can see that. Your brow runs all the way back to the back of your neck. That is a beautiful head of skin. Alright. Alright. Who's fighting this for you? Pastela, please.
Just say who's Titan? Never mind that. Please. The lovely pallet. Alright. Alright. The man. Paul, that's not his fault. Just, what do you have in mind? Yes. Not only Paul, but Paul. Alright, Paul. Okay. What a phone, Paul? Yes. Yes. Okay. He's a professor. Yes. By the way, what what do you have in mind, professor? First. Belling head. I have come here exactly to improve mister Lucas' number six so that he will be fit and versed with mister Velle. Now you, sir, I know. You're mister Fuddabbard. Right?
[00:03:47] Unknown:
Well, you know him, and you should know me. Oh, of course I know him. You, I never forget,
[00:03:52] Unknown:
what is that thing? Oh, a face of course. You see my dear boy, you are proof positive of the Darwinian theory of evolution. And I'll prove it to you. First, Abbot, I am about to plug a melon. Professor, I'm afraid that Costello resents your remarks. Right. Abbot is absolutely right. I resemble those remarks. Resemble. My my. What English? What English? And you expect to entertain mister Valley, a man of infinite culture, the antithesis of everything you misrepresent. The moment I use telethonamic conversation, mister Costello, you commit a full power. Why do you attempt intelligence and rape party in the extemporaneous manner when your intelligence portion is minus nil? Sir, why don't you admit to the why don't you admit to the status of a noncompass mentus nonentity? That's a lie.
I never seen with a faxing door on the without unless it's locked and unlocked and stuff. Mister Costello, that is a deliberate misconception, and I accentuate the positive. Why any word of more than one syllable ruins your equilibrium? Costello, you don't even know what a syllable is, do you? Yes. Do you know what a syllable is? What's the syllable? What's the syllable? Tell her I'll give you a chance to tell her what's the syllable? Tell her to A telephone you know what it is. It's fine. At least say it. A telephone add it one word at a time.
I'm talking too much, ain't I? Go ahead. Telephone, what's the syllable? You don't mind if I get a word in here, do you? No. Go ahead. I'm kinda gabby, ain't I? Alright. Now what is the syllable? A syllable. How about is the sound? Right? You know what I mean? Yes. A sound formed by letters of the alphabet placed in juxtaposition one to the other. Now how many letters in the alphabet? Do you know? About, no. There's not about. There's a definite number. How many letters in the alphabet? 35 maybe? No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. There are not 34. Now for example, let's go right here. Middle syllable. The middle syllable. What is it? That's, the middle syllable.
There is no middle syllable. I'll put one there. That's the trouble with you, mister Catullo. You see? The trouble is your enunciation and your grammatical construction. When you put the past particulate in a subjunctive mood, you inadvertently fit your infinitive. Now when you split the infinitive, what happens to your predicate? You pull the predicate down so the infinitive would show. I'll tell you my dear boy in two words exactly what's wrong with Lucas Ellis. Your reasoning capacity is infinitesimally inadequate. You're becoming more and more ridiculously insipid every moment and your inherent miscalculations. Together with actors have a very irrational way of displaying before culture, ladies and gentlemen, your invested propensity and your ridiculously integrity. You cause your grim and carnation, I may say, amongst your most ubiquitous friends if you should happen to be possessed of a friend, which I doubt. Now do you know what you are? Yes. What? I'm a period to a lousy conversation.
Come in. Mister Martin, are you the best seller who mister Kelly is working with tonight? Yes. I'm but Abbott and this is my partner, Luca Sello. All my boys, bring in the screen and play the best seller. Wait a minute, lady. What's the idea of putting us behind a screen? It says the energetic is gone. Missus Elliot doesn't wanna be contaminated by you two bums. Who does that guy, Valerie, think he is? He must think he's Artina's. Artina's. What is Artina's? Vanessa. Tell backwards. That's how you're jealous of Rudy because he's a great ladies' man. And by the way, I gotta talk to him about that too, Adam. What do you mean? He's just stealing my women. Stealing the women. Yes. I don't mind him dropping off those 18 year old girl. When he starts fooling around with his name's over 65, he's cutting in on my territory. Nonsense costeller. Sure too. Look. Rudy Valley can't help with it if women like him. He has such beautiful wavy hair. Why shouldn't he have wavy hair? He sleeps all night while he's heading up in each and blinds.
Alright. You wanna answer the dollar or not? Yes. Go ahead. Alright. Stand back. I think I must be followed. Come in. Good evening, gentlemen. Allow me to introduce myself. I'm Mr. Valley's personal business manager. I'm Youssus P. Dink. Dink. Dink. You say dink? Yes. Dink. Dink. Dink. Dink. Dink. Dink. Dink. Dink. Dink. Dink. Dink. Dink. Dink. Dink. Dink. Dink. Dink. Dink. Dink. Dink. Dink. Dink. Dink. Dink. Dink. Dink. Dink. Dink. Dink. Dink. Dink. D I'll fix mister drink to drink. I mean, a drink to drink. I mean, I'll get a drink for drink to drink. I'll bring him a sandwich. Please, gentlemen, I just came over here to leave this pail of melted butter. Mister Valley wants you to pour the butter on the script. Pour melted butter on the script? What's the idea? Mister Valley likes plenty of butter on his corn.
Hold me back, Abbot, before I give mister Dink a clunk on a conk with a crunch. Alright, brother. Forget about that, Godzilla. And pour the drink. Okay. Yeah. But I'll take this talk later. No, you don't. That drink stinks. What? I said that drink stinks. Must be the C gin you've been using. Never mind that. Go ahead. I'll forget about the drinks. Let's get down to business. I brought over mister Valley's head writer to put some jokes in the script. Will you step in here, CB? Yes. Okay, ma'am. I am the envy. Right.
It's Kissel. Yes. Now wait a minute, Kissel. You don't write jokes about it. Oh, yes. I do. Yes. I do. I just wrote a joke this morning. What's got four wheels and flies? Alright. I'll ask What has four wheels and flies? A garbage wagon. I'm killing myself. Maybe need trouble. Now wait a minute. Now wait a minute, Costello. Kittel may have some better jokes again, but But I know a better joke than he does. Listen, Kittel. What happened to the rat that crawled into the barrel of molasses? What's happened to the rat who crawled into our barrel of molasses? That's too thin. Ducked the other rat too.
Like it? No. Love, Kessel, did you bring some jokes over for us, Chris? Oh, yes. You did. Now here is one joke, what we call valiant teeth that you put in. What is the difference between an animal with long horns, a 10 carat diamond ring, and a jackhammer? No. Now, kids, please. Everybody knows that joke. Well, what do you mean? An animal with long horn is a reindeer? You don't. And a a 10 carat diamond is two deer. Right, Abbot. What about a jacket? That's you, dear. That's just a rumor. I'm wearing a full sail. Come in.
Step aside. Step aside, everybody. Mister Valley is about to enter the studio. Everybody, prepare yourself. You too, fat boy. What do you want me to do? Please remove your hat and shoes, kneel down, and face to eat. Eat. What are you talking about? What are you talking about? Tell us, Charlie. What do we got tucked over here? Oh, hello. What's the idea coming in hissing and my sister's integrity?
[00:11:55] Unknown:
No. No. No. Don't until our death. Will you two ushers please take your places in the aisles where you belong?
[00:12:03] Unknown:
Evan. Thank you, fella. Everybody wants to say something. Let me get that guy now. I'll knock the rumor right out of his nose. I fella. That's no way to talk to Rudy Valle. He came over here to help us with us over Yes. I was led to believe I was welcome. So I plant right over here. Why don't you even pick up your own and plant plant it again?
[00:12:21] Unknown:
Cartelo, I asked Rudy to come over here and he's an old friend of mine. Indeed I am. Oh, well, I remember when Bud and I were barefoot boys in town. We used to go camping together in the forest. Many is the time that we roasted ham over an open fire.
[00:12:35] Unknown:
I can smell the ham roasting now.
[00:12:38] Unknown:
Yes. You better step back from those hot footlights.
[00:12:45] Unknown:
Hello, Rudy.
[00:12:47] Unknown:
Just how did you plan to build up our Thursday night audience? Well, between us, we've got to win over every member of every family. I know that all the men will listen to you, bud. And naturally, all the women and children will listen to me. If there are any cats or dogs listening, this is Lucas too. I don't feel that way, Costello. I've written a play for you to do tonight in which you play the starring role. Play is called Jack and the Beanstalk. I'll be back in a few minutes with the play. Now wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Look, Rudy, Isn't that the play where the goose plays the golden egg? That's right. Get your baskets ready, folks. We'll be laying them in the air tonight.
[00:13:28] Unknown:
Ladies and gentlemen, we now present a stirring drama entitled Jack and the Beanstalk, starring Lou Costello in the title role assisted by Rudy Vallee and Firdette. As Costello is the head man, he naturally gets the fast part. And let us listen to this fat
[00:13:44] Unknown:
head. Alright, Costello. Take your plate to the microphone while Rudy sets the scene. I'm very pleased you're about to ask me to set the scene. I didn't come over here for that purpose. Costello is the star of the play, but, of course, if you win the fifth. Who's insisting? Thank you. Remember, Costello, I'm only here to help you. Now let's get on with the story, ladies and gentlemen. Once upon a time, there lived a poor old lady and her son, Jack. That's me, folks. I'm the star. That's right. Jack and his mother had no food to eat in the house, so Jack's mother said to him. Jack and I thought we have nothing to eat. We have no money. Wait. Just a minute. Just a minute, Rudy. Are you gonna play are you playing a part of my mother? Of course, Costello. Anything to help you out. Oh, for a minute, I thought you was putting into my plate. Okay. Now the mother goes on to say, Jack, why is this? I'm calling this to do instead of relieving the money. So little Jack goes trudging down the road with the cow. Plump, plump, plump, moo, moo, moo. Now wait a minute. Are you doing a sound effects too? Certainly. I'm here to help you. I'm putting you across. You're putting me across the barrel.
[00:14:38] Unknown:
When do I talk? Be patient, Cartelli. You'll be on in a minute. Get me on while I'm still young. Now as Jack touches down the road with the cow, he meets a funny old man who stops him and says, good morning, Jack. How'd you do this fine morning? I feel You're looking good too. What have you got there in the end of that rope? It's a cow. Hey. Pretty good soul looking cow. Remind me the cow I used to have. TJ butter meal. Of course. What else can a poor cow give butt her milk? What kind of cow is it, son? Don't tell me it's a dirty cow. I can tell by her license plate. I'm killing the people. Hey. You're murdering me too.
However, would you get the guy out of here? Stella, please don't interrupt me while I'm speaking.
[00:15:17] Unknown:
Hey. More reports. Something my uncle already said about because, Rudy Rudy is only here to help you. Now let's get back to the store. Okay. Now, my mother told me to take this cow. Please, Costello. The old man isn't through speaking.
[00:15:30] Unknown:
I'm sorry. I talk too much. Excuse me. I'm as bad as that secretary you sent over. Oh, that's alright. Now, Sean, let's down business. What game did you do with that cow? Tell it. Do what?
[00:15:40] Unknown:
Tell it. Tell it. That's it, Costello. Get your lines out. I want you to be heard. Tell it. Tell it.
[00:15:47] Unknown:
Tell it. You said that line once. Tell him. You said that line once. No. I I like the line. I may not get another one. I wanna sell it. Tell him. Stella. Stella, please. Stella, please. You're stopping the play. Go on, Rudy. Alright, sir. You said you all wanna say that, yeah. I'll give you a five, man.
[00:16:11] Unknown:
Yeah. Five feet. My mother was silly if I only play on five feet. Just a moment. Who's playing the part of your mother? You are. Well, I'm your mother, Mike. Can you? No. I won't help you. Why you're a threat?
[00:16:24] Unknown:
I'd like to have you for a dead cousin.
[00:16:27] Unknown:
But, anyway, Jack takes the five magic beans and trudges back to his pal. Plump. Plump. Plump. Plump. Plump goes away with the old man.
[00:16:35] Unknown:
Cow's got more lines than me. Castello, please. You be quiet. Put something in here, my man.
[00:16:41] Unknown:
Quiet. When Jack when Jack's mother discovers that he stole the cow for five beans, stole the beans out the window, not realizing their magic power, then sent Jack to bed without his supper. Do this and Cyril climbs in the bed. Wait a minute. Before I climb in the bed, I gotta take off my shoes. One,
[00:16:56] Unknown:
two, three.
[00:16:58] Unknown:
Tell us
[00:16:59] Unknown:
tell us, you wear three shoes. Yes. Since my last line, I grew another foot. However, if all these people out here, they come to see me, when's the wife starts to do some acting? Right now, sir.
[00:17:10] Unknown:
You wake up in the morning, look out the window. That's a nice piece of business. The magic beans your mother brought the window have grown into a huge beanstalk that reaches up into the sky. Now, Costello, this is your big moment. Ladies and gentlemen, mister Costello will now climb the beanstalk. Oh, boy. That's the last time I'm gonna act. Here I go.
[00:17:31] Unknown:
Casella, you don't have to read aloud. Yes, I do. I want the audience to know I'm here. Watch me climb. Casella, Casella, don't overplay it. Don't pant so loud. Love, Bali, you've stolen everything else. I ain't gonna lose my pants.
[00:17:48] Unknown:
Alright. Alright. That's enough planning, Catello. I'll give you the rest of the story very quickly. At the top of the beanstalk, you need a big giant. I bet that's you. How I'm quick at those things. ILP five four thumb. It takes after you. You eat ground, cut down the beanstalk, and I crack to the ground and stay there dying. That's the best thing to happen all night. I wonder if the rest of the lines are mine, but I don't die instantly.
[00:18:10] Unknown:
You wouldn't. You're a different type. No, Pastello. Would you deprive Rudy of a few dying words? Oh, no. No. I couldn't do that. Go ahead, Rudy. Give it your ass word. Very well. A little sad music, please, Freddie. My time is your time. Wait a minute. Would you would you wait a minute? Hold on. Stop on. Wait a minute. Well, what's the matter, Costello? You were right, Abbot. It sounds like the room with the full sail is holding Bali's nose. That's right.
Hello. It is Ryan, and we could all use an extra bright spot in our day, couldn't we? Just to make up for things like sitting in traffic, doing the dishes, counting your steps, you know, all the mundane stuff. That is why I'm such a big fan of Chumba Casino. Chumba Casino has all your favorite social casino style games that you can play for free anytime, anywhere with daily bonuses. That should brighten your day low. Actually, a lot. So sign up now at ChumbaCasino.com. That's ChumbaCasino.com.
[00:00:31] Unknown:
No purchase necessary. DGW. No purchase necessary. DGW. Point prohibited by law. See terms and conditions, 18 plus. Step into the world of power, loyalty, and luck I'm gonna make him an offer he can't refuse. With family cannolis, and spins mean everything. Now you wanna get mixed up in the family business. Business. Introducing The Godfather at champacasino.com. Test your luck in the shadowy world of The Godfather slot. Someday, I will call upon you to do a service for me. Play The Godfather now at champacasino.com.
[00:00:59] Unknown:
Welcome to the family. No purchase necessary. VGW Group. We're prohibited by law. 18 plus. Terms and conditions apply. Well, it's about time you got here, Cartel. This is going to be a big night on our program. I've invited Rudy Vallee to be our guest. Rudy Vallee? Yep. But his program follows our program. You mean it's funny he's gonna be on our program and then sing for a half hour on his own program? What's wrong? That means you'll be on the air for a whole hour. What's wrong with that? His nose is gonna be awfully tired. No. No. No. No. No. No. That's that. The Rudy Valley does not sing to his nose. That's false. Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. I didn't know he had a false nose. He hasn't got a false nose. It's it's the rumor that's false.
Rumor is false? Certainly. Why is he taking that kind of rumor that No. No. He doesn't take he doesn't take in rumors. Lou, some people say that Rudy Valley sings through his nose, and I found out it was a false rumor. Oh, you mean Rudy's ventriloquist? No. No. He's not a ventriloquist. Then why has he got a rumor singing to his nose? But, Stella, there's a there's no rumor singing through his nose. When I say rumor, I don't mean a rumor like a boiler. The kind of rumor I mean is, spreading false tales. Rumor of spreading a false tale? That's right. That I gotta see.
See what? I'd like to see Bali sing a true false nose while there's rumors that they're wagging false tails. Stop, Carstella. For the last time, I'm trying to tell you there's a false tail on Bali's nose. Oh, now he's got a tail on his nose. Catello, please. Who'd you rule with? Licki Mountain? Will you stop talking like an idiot? Look at him. Tell me what's it. Rudy's got a nose, hasn't he? Yes. And he seems to his nose, don't he? No. That's a rumor. That's a rumor, Steve? No. And what is he doing in his nose? The the rumor is not in his nose. The rumor is on his nose. Where some people won't go to find a place to live. Quiet. Quiet. Stay quiet, cuddellus. Now that may be rudely dally now. Come in.
Good evening, gentlemen. I am professor Mellencair. Mellencair is. And you look at them. I have a tetra stethoscope. Right. That's stellar behavior though. What can we do for you, professor? Well, I, sir, am mister Rudy Vallee's portrait advisor. Yes, sir. It's my duty to investigate the mentality goals and who mister Vallee comes to contact. You see, mister Valley only associates with eyebrows. Eyebrow? Yes. I can see that. Your brow runs all the way back to the back of your neck. That is a beautiful head of skin. Alright. Alright. Who's fighting this for you? Pastela, please.
Just say who's Titan? Never mind that. Please. The lovely pallet. Alright. Alright. The man. Paul, that's not his fault. Just, what do you have in mind? Yes. Not only Paul, but Paul. Alright, Paul. Okay. What a phone, Paul? Yes. Yes. Okay. He's a professor. Yes. By the way, what what do you have in mind, professor? First. Belling head. I have come here exactly to improve mister Lucas' number six so that he will be fit and versed with mister Velle. Now you, sir, I know. You're mister Fuddabbard. Right?
[00:03:47] Unknown:
Well, you know him, and you should know me. Oh, of course I know him. You, I never forget,
[00:03:52] Unknown:
what is that thing? Oh, a face of course. You see my dear boy, you are proof positive of the Darwinian theory of evolution. And I'll prove it to you. First, Abbot, I am about to plug a melon. Professor, I'm afraid that Costello resents your remarks. Right. Abbot is absolutely right. I resemble those remarks. Resemble. My my. What English? What English? And you expect to entertain mister Valley, a man of infinite culture, the antithesis of everything you misrepresent. The moment I use telethonamic conversation, mister Costello, you commit a full power. Why do you attempt intelligence and rape party in the extemporaneous manner when your intelligence portion is minus nil? Sir, why don't you admit to the why don't you admit to the status of a noncompass mentus nonentity? That's a lie.
I never seen with a faxing door on the without unless it's locked and unlocked and stuff. Mister Costello, that is a deliberate misconception, and I accentuate the positive. Why any word of more than one syllable ruins your equilibrium? Costello, you don't even know what a syllable is, do you? Yes. Do you know what a syllable is? What's the syllable? What's the syllable? Tell her I'll give you a chance to tell her what's the syllable? Tell her to A telephone you know what it is. It's fine. At least say it. A telephone add it one word at a time.
I'm talking too much, ain't I? Go ahead. Telephone, what's the syllable? You don't mind if I get a word in here, do you? No. Go ahead. I'm kinda gabby, ain't I? Alright. Now what is the syllable? A syllable. How about is the sound? Right? You know what I mean? Yes. A sound formed by letters of the alphabet placed in juxtaposition one to the other. Now how many letters in the alphabet? Do you know? About, no. There's not about. There's a definite number. How many letters in the alphabet? 35 maybe? No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. There are not 34. Now for example, let's go right here. Middle syllable. The middle syllable. What is it? That's, the middle syllable.
There is no middle syllable. I'll put one there. That's the trouble with you, mister Catullo. You see? The trouble is your enunciation and your grammatical construction. When you put the past particulate in a subjunctive mood, you inadvertently fit your infinitive. Now when you split the infinitive, what happens to your predicate? You pull the predicate down so the infinitive would show. I'll tell you my dear boy in two words exactly what's wrong with Lucas Ellis. Your reasoning capacity is infinitesimally inadequate. You're becoming more and more ridiculously insipid every moment and your inherent miscalculations. Together with actors have a very irrational way of displaying before culture, ladies and gentlemen, your invested propensity and your ridiculously integrity. You cause your grim and carnation, I may say, amongst your most ubiquitous friends if you should happen to be possessed of a friend, which I doubt. Now do you know what you are? Yes. What? I'm a period to a lousy conversation.
Come in. Mister Martin, are you the best seller who mister Kelly is working with tonight? Yes. I'm but Abbott and this is my partner, Luca Sello. All my boys, bring in the screen and play the best seller. Wait a minute, lady. What's the idea of putting us behind a screen? It says the energetic is gone. Missus Elliot doesn't wanna be contaminated by you two bums. Who does that guy, Valerie, think he is? He must think he's Artina's. Artina's. What is Artina's? Vanessa. Tell backwards. That's how you're jealous of Rudy because he's a great ladies' man. And by the way, I gotta talk to him about that too, Adam. What do you mean? He's just stealing my women. Stealing the women. Yes. I don't mind him dropping off those 18 year old girl. When he starts fooling around with his name's over 65, he's cutting in on my territory. Nonsense costeller. Sure too. Look. Rudy Valley can't help with it if women like him. He has such beautiful wavy hair. Why shouldn't he have wavy hair? He sleeps all night while he's heading up in each and blinds.
Alright. You wanna answer the dollar or not? Yes. Go ahead. Alright. Stand back. I think I must be followed. Come in. Good evening, gentlemen. Allow me to introduce myself. I'm Mr. Valley's personal business manager. I'm Youssus P. Dink. Dink. Dink. You say dink? Yes. Dink. Dink. Dink. Dink. Dink. Dink. Dink. Dink. Dink. Dink. Dink. Dink. Dink. Dink. Dink. Dink. Dink. Dink. Dink. Dink. Dink. Dink. Dink. Dink. Dink. Dink. Dink. Dink. Dink. Dink. Dink. D I'll fix mister drink to drink. I mean, a drink to drink. I mean, I'll get a drink for drink to drink. I'll bring him a sandwich. Please, gentlemen, I just came over here to leave this pail of melted butter. Mister Valley wants you to pour the butter on the script. Pour melted butter on the script? What's the idea? Mister Valley likes plenty of butter on his corn.
Hold me back, Abbot, before I give mister Dink a clunk on a conk with a crunch. Alright, brother. Forget about that, Godzilla. And pour the drink. Okay. Yeah. But I'll take this talk later. No, you don't. That drink stinks. What? I said that drink stinks. Must be the C gin you've been using. Never mind that. Go ahead. I'll forget about the drinks. Let's get down to business. I brought over mister Valley's head writer to put some jokes in the script. Will you step in here, CB? Yes. Okay, ma'am. I am the envy. Right.
It's Kissel. Yes. Now wait a minute, Kissel. You don't write jokes about it. Oh, yes. I do. Yes. I do. I just wrote a joke this morning. What's got four wheels and flies? Alright. I'll ask What has four wheels and flies? A garbage wagon. I'm killing myself. Maybe need trouble. Now wait a minute. Now wait a minute, Costello. Kittel may have some better jokes again, but But I know a better joke than he does. Listen, Kittel. What happened to the rat that crawled into the barrel of molasses? What's happened to the rat who crawled into our barrel of molasses? That's too thin. Ducked the other rat too.
Like it? No. Love, Kessel, did you bring some jokes over for us, Chris? Oh, yes. You did. Now here is one joke, what we call valiant teeth that you put in. What is the difference between an animal with long horns, a 10 carat diamond ring, and a jackhammer? No. Now, kids, please. Everybody knows that joke. Well, what do you mean? An animal with long horn is a reindeer? You don't. And a a 10 carat diamond is two deer. Right, Abbot. What about a jacket? That's you, dear. That's just a rumor. I'm wearing a full sail. Come in.
Step aside. Step aside, everybody. Mister Valley is about to enter the studio. Everybody, prepare yourself. You too, fat boy. What do you want me to do? Please remove your hat and shoes, kneel down, and face to eat. Eat. What are you talking about? What are you talking about? Tell us, Charlie. What do we got tucked over here? Oh, hello. What's the idea coming in hissing and my sister's integrity?
[00:11:55] Unknown:
No. No. No. Don't until our death. Will you two ushers please take your places in the aisles where you belong?
[00:12:03] Unknown:
Evan. Thank you, fella. Everybody wants to say something. Let me get that guy now. I'll knock the rumor right out of his nose. I fella. That's no way to talk to Rudy Valle. He came over here to help us with us over Yes. I was led to believe I was welcome. So I plant right over here. Why don't you even pick up your own and plant plant it again?
[00:12:21] Unknown:
Cartelo, I asked Rudy to come over here and he's an old friend of mine. Indeed I am. Oh, well, I remember when Bud and I were barefoot boys in town. We used to go camping together in the forest. Many is the time that we roasted ham over an open fire.
[00:12:35] Unknown:
I can smell the ham roasting now.
[00:12:38] Unknown:
Yes. You better step back from those hot footlights.
[00:12:45] Unknown:
Hello, Rudy.
[00:12:47] Unknown:
Just how did you plan to build up our Thursday night audience? Well, between us, we've got to win over every member of every family. I know that all the men will listen to you, bud. And naturally, all the women and children will listen to me. If there are any cats or dogs listening, this is Lucas too. I don't feel that way, Costello. I've written a play for you to do tonight in which you play the starring role. Play is called Jack and the Beanstalk. I'll be back in a few minutes with the play. Now wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Look, Rudy, Isn't that the play where the goose plays the golden egg? That's right. Get your baskets ready, folks. We'll be laying them in the air tonight.
[00:13:28] Unknown:
Ladies and gentlemen, we now present a stirring drama entitled Jack and the Beanstalk, starring Lou Costello in the title role assisted by Rudy Vallee and Firdette. As Costello is the head man, he naturally gets the fast part. And let us listen to this fat
[00:13:44] Unknown:
head. Alright, Costello. Take your plate to the microphone while Rudy sets the scene. I'm very pleased you're about to ask me to set the scene. I didn't come over here for that purpose. Costello is the star of the play, but, of course, if you win the fifth. Who's insisting? Thank you. Remember, Costello, I'm only here to help you. Now let's get on with the story, ladies and gentlemen. Once upon a time, there lived a poor old lady and her son, Jack. That's me, folks. I'm the star. That's right. Jack and his mother had no food to eat in the house, so Jack's mother said to him. Jack and I thought we have nothing to eat. We have no money. Wait. Just a minute. Just a minute, Rudy. Are you gonna play are you playing a part of my mother? Of course, Costello. Anything to help you out. Oh, for a minute, I thought you was putting into my plate. Okay. Now the mother goes on to say, Jack, why is this? I'm calling this to do instead of relieving the money. So little Jack goes trudging down the road with the cow. Plump, plump, plump, moo, moo, moo. Now wait a minute. Are you doing a sound effects too? Certainly. I'm here to help you. I'm putting you across. You're putting me across the barrel.
[00:14:38] Unknown:
When do I talk? Be patient, Cartelli. You'll be on in a minute. Get me on while I'm still young. Now as Jack touches down the road with the cow, he meets a funny old man who stops him and says, good morning, Jack. How'd you do this fine morning? I feel You're looking good too. What have you got there in the end of that rope? It's a cow. Hey. Pretty good soul looking cow. Remind me the cow I used to have. TJ butter meal. Of course. What else can a poor cow give butt her milk? What kind of cow is it, son? Don't tell me it's a dirty cow. I can tell by her license plate. I'm killing the people. Hey. You're murdering me too.
However, would you get the guy out of here? Stella, please don't interrupt me while I'm speaking.
[00:15:17] Unknown:
Hey. More reports. Something my uncle already said about because, Rudy Rudy is only here to help you. Now let's get back to the store. Okay. Now, my mother told me to take this cow. Please, Costello. The old man isn't through speaking.
[00:15:30] Unknown:
I'm sorry. I talk too much. Excuse me. I'm as bad as that secretary you sent over. Oh, that's alright. Now, Sean, let's down business. What game did you do with that cow? Tell it. Do what?
[00:15:40] Unknown:
Tell it. Tell it. That's it, Costello. Get your lines out. I want you to be heard. Tell it. Tell it.
[00:15:47] Unknown:
Tell it. You said that line once. Tell him. You said that line once. No. I I like the line. I may not get another one. I wanna sell it. Tell him. Stella. Stella, please. Stella, please. You're stopping the play. Go on, Rudy. Alright, sir. You said you all wanna say that, yeah. I'll give you a five, man.
[00:16:11] Unknown:
Yeah. Five feet. My mother was silly if I only play on five feet. Just a moment. Who's playing the part of your mother? You are. Well, I'm your mother, Mike. Can you? No. I won't help you. Why you're a threat?
[00:16:24] Unknown:
I'd like to have you for a dead cousin.
[00:16:27] Unknown:
But, anyway, Jack takes the five magic beans and trudges back to his pal. Plump. Plump. Plump. Plump. Plump goes away with the old man.
[00:16:35] Unknown:
Cow's got more lines than me. Castello, please. You be quiet. Put something in here, my man.
[00:16:41] Unknown:
Quiet. When Jack when Jack's mother discovers that he stole the cow for five beans, stole the beans out the window, not realizing their magic power, then sent Jack to bed without his supper. Do this and Cyril climbs in the bed. Wait a minute. Before I climb in the bed, I gotta take off my shoes. One,
[00:16:56] Unknown:
two, three.
[00:16:58] Unknown:
Tell us
[00:16:59] Unknown:
tell us, you wear three shoes. Yes. Since my last line, I grew another foot. However, if all these people out here, they come to see me, when's the wife starts to do some acting? Right now, sir.
[00:17:10] Unknown:
You wake up in the morning, look out the window. That's a nice piece of business. The magic beans your mother brought the window have grown into a huge beanstalk that reaches up into the sky. Now, Costello, this is your big moment. Ladies and gentlemen, mister Costello will now climb the beanstalk. Oh, boy. That's the last time I'm gonna act. Here I go.
[00:17:31] Unknown:
Casella, you don't have to read aloud. Yes, I do. I want the audience to know I'm here. Watch me climb. Casella, Casella, don't overplay it. Don't pant so loud. Love, Bali, you've stolen everything else. I ain't gonna lose my pants.
[00:17:48] Unknown:
Alright. Alright. That's enough planning, Catello. I'll give you the rest of the story very quickly. At the top of the beanstalk, you need a big giant. I bet that's you. How I'm quick at those things. ILP five four thumb. It takes after you. You eat ground, cut down the beanstalk, and I crack to the ground and stay there dying. That's the best thing to happen all night. I wonder if the rest of the lines are mine, but I don't die instantly.
[00:18:10] Unknown:
You wouldn't. You're a different type. No, Pastello. Would you deprive Rudy of a few dying words? Oh, no. No. I couldn't do that. Go ahead, Rudy. Give it your ass word. Very well. A little sad music, please, Freddie. My time is your time. Wait a minute. Would you would you wait a minute? Hold on. Stop on. Wait a minute. Well, what's the matter, Costello? You were right, Abbot. It sounds like the room with the full sail is holding Bali's nose. That's right.
