In this lively episode, we dive into a comedic world where anything can happen. From the quirky adventures of playing Lucky Land Slots to the hilarious banter between Abbott and Costello, the episode is filled with laughter and unexpected twists. We hear about Costello's romantic escapades, his interactions with Abbott's sister, and a series of comedic misunderstandings that keep the audience entertained. The episode also features a humorous take on Christmas spirit, with Costello's unique approach to holiday generosity.
The show continues with a segment of "Sam Shovel, Private Detective," where Costello takes on a case filled with absurdity and wit. The detective story is peppered with clever wordplay and slapstick humor, showcasing the classic comedic style of Abbott and Costello. The episode wraps up with acknowledgments to the cast and crew, leaving listeners with a sense of nostalgia for the golden age of radio comedy.
(00:30) Unusual Places to Get Lucky
(01:13) Musical Aspirations and Romantic Misunderstandings
(03:59) Boy Scouts and Hot Rods
(05:11) Christmas Shopping and Family Antics
(09:23) Romantic Mishaps and Hollywood Connections
(14:18) Medical Advice and Detective Stories
(17:00) Sam Shovel: The Case of the Babysitter
(21:00) The Countess and the Detective
Listen to our radio station Old Time Radio https://link.radioking.com/otradio
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Remember that times have changed, and some shows might not reflect the standards of today’s politically correct society. The shows do not necessarily reflect the views, standards, or beliefs of Entertainment Radio
[00:00:00]
Unknown:
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[00:00:05] Unknown:
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[00:00:20] Unknown:
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[00:00:31] Unknown:
Luckyland Casino asking people what's the weirdest place you've gotten lucky. Lucky? In line of the deli, I guess? In my dentist's office. More than once, actually. Do I have to say? Yes. You do. In the car before my kids' PTA meeting. Really? Yes. Excuse me. What's the weirdest place you've gotten lucky? I never went in town. Well, there you have it. You could get lucky anywhere playing at luckylandslots.com. Play for free right now. Are you feeling lucky? No purchase necessary. Voice over here by law. 18 plus. Terms and conditions. Plus, website for details.
[00:01:14] Unknown:
Alright. I'll I'll I'll like to sing.
[00:01:16] Unknown:
I'll like to sing. I like to sing. I like to sing. I like to sing. I like to sing. I like to sing. I like to
[00:01:18] Unknown:
sing. I
[00:01:20] Unknown:
like to sing. I'm gonna sing on a program tonight. What do you know about music? You wouldn't know a bass from a soprano. That's so. You wouldn't see me sliding in a second soprano, would you? And besides, my new girl wants me to sing on the program. You've got a new girl? Yes. Every night, she knocks on my door, throws her arms around me, hugs and kisses me, and calls me Gregory Peck. She calls you Gregory Peck. Gregory Peck. Why didn't you tell her you're not Gregory Peck? Really boy. What does this girl do, Lou? She's a striptease dancer at the burlap show. I wait for her every night outside the stage door. Does she meet you? No. But she waves to me from the patrol wagon as it goes by.
[00:02:02] Unknown:
I'm
[00:02:04] Unknown:
saying it. I used to change it, girl like you. And I never got anywhere. And one day, I decided life wasn't worth living. I tried to shoot myself. Somebody stopped me. I tried to hang myself, and somebody stopped me. Too bad. I tried to drown myself in somebody. Some people never know when to mind their own business. Well, all I have to say to you, Costello, is, Yes. That's good line Spanish. Well, Los Angeles traffic. Los Angeles traffic. That's good bye in any language.
[00:02:49] Unknown:
Hey. Wait a minute, boys. Here's a serious looking fellow trying to get a word in edgewise. Let's see what he has to say.
[00:03:59] Unknown:
Alright. Alright. What are you holler you about this time? I've been chosen a man chosen a man of distinction by the Boy Scouts of America, and my picture is gonna be in all the magazines. What picture? There it is. It's a picture of me leaning up against my scout master drinking a glass of buttermilk. You must be pretty popular with your boy scout troop. Yes, sir. I'm the only boy scout in California that's got a hot rod. Yeah. You don't even know what a hot rod is. Oh, yes. I do. A hot rod is a jalopy that smokes Mexican cigarettes. You you did. You're running around with a bunch of kids at your age? There must be something wrong with you. What's the matter with you anyway? Can't figure it out, have it? I sleep good at night. I sleep good in the morning. But during the day, I just seen the twist and turn.
I wanted nobody who would associate with you. You haven't got a friend in the world. How can you say that, Abbot? I'm the most popular guy in my hometown. Every one of the 300,000 people in Paterson, New Jersey love me. Wait a minute, Costello. Three hundred thousand? Paterson only has a 40,000 people. When were you there last? Two years ago. Well, people have children, you know. You think 12¢? What's that roll of paper you've got in your pocket? That's my Christmas shopping list. You're right on the top. Oh, say, that's that's wonderful. What are you going to get me, Lou? Get you a handful of nickels and dimes and put them in your mouth.
Whenever you wanna give me a handful of nickels and dimes and put my mouth. I'd like to hear some change in your conversation. Never mind. Who else is on your list? Well, it's my uncle Mike. I don't know what to get him. Last year, I got him a smoking jacket. Did he like it? Oh, sure. Christmas morning, he stuffed it into his pipe. Didn't it burn? Yeah. But not as good as tobacco. I think I'll get my aunt May one of those old man river girdles. What's an old man river girdle? Helps you tote that barge and lift that veil. I'll I'll I'll either get that or I'll get a book of of volume by O'Henry.
A volume? Yeah. O. Henry only wrote short stories. How much can you write on a on a wrapper off a candy bar? What what is uncle Mike going to get at, Maylo? I don't know. Last year, he gave her a fur piece. Shot it under the house. Had a white stripe down its back. That was a skunk. If that was a skunk, why'd uncle Mike shoot it? After he shot it, he asked himself the same question. Wait. Wait a minute. After all, skunk is pretty expensive. Your uncle Mike had to buy it. He would have to sell his house to pay for it. After he got it, he had to sell the house anyway. My wife my wife wasn't me cold for Christmas, but pink skins cost $40 a piece. Why don't you just buy her one skin and and a sock stretcher?
That's not what this is. That's ridiculous. My wife's one of the most beautiful women in Hollywood. Every time I look at her, she reminds me of Jane Rush. Me too. Really? Mhmm. What might makes her remind you of Jane Russell? She's got legs like Bob Waterfield. I know. My wife puts on an evening gown. She looks like she was poured in. You're right, Abbot. She looks like she was poured in and forgot to say when. That's how my wife is a picture star a few years ago, you know. Our last picture was the great forest fire. It was the siren. I saw that picture. She nearly fell off the truck three times.
That's telling my wife is one of the most popular girls in this town. Why, I only want her on account of, my great romantic ability. You got romantic ability? When I put my arms around a girl and kiss her, her eyes close and paint that away. Yeah. But I used to be able to do the same thing on it. Lately, garlic doesn't agree with me. Tell me, Costello. How's your romance coming with that rich girl from, Pasadena? She wasn't serious at it. I found out it was nothing but puppy love on her part. When did she break the engagement? When she found out I wasn't a puppy. Right? Right? He should've he should've hung on to her, Costello. Her family were very wealthy.
Their home has 20 bathrooms. Their home has 20 bathrooms? That's right. No wonder they call them the filthy rich. You know, she was a nice girl at it, but there was only one thing wrong with her. She had a million dollar smile. Well, what's wrong with that? You can only smile at guys that had a million dollars. Well, now that you've broken off with her, why don't you make a play for my young sister, babe? Your sister, babe? Don't tell me she's out here in California now. Sure. She's always wanted to come out here to to the West where men are men and women are women. Yes. Out here in the West where men are men and women are women, and now your sister, babe, has to come out here and confuse the whole thing. Costello, my sister, babe, may be fat, but remember, she's a slick chick. She's slick alright. The last time I had a date with her, I'd been over to kiss her good night and her hair split off.
Are you trying to insinuate that my sister, babe, is bald? I wouldn't say that, Abbot. She's got one of those new, sunny, tough hairdos. Sunny, tough hairdos? Yeah. It's sunny down the middle, and there's a tough on each side. Hello.
[00:09:23] Unknown:
Hello? Now it's Abbott's nephew, folks. Now what do you want on it? Well, I'm on the committee for the Rose Bowl parade, and we want you to ride on one of those big rose covered floats on New Year's Day. Oh, that's wonderful. Yeah. But I've gotta tell you something. There's one restriction. You can't tell any of the jokes you tell on radio while you're riding on the float. And what? Not? We want the people to smell the roses.
[00:09:42] Unknown:
That did it. I can't stand this any longer. Every week, I say thank you. Now wait a minute. And I can't allow money for it. What are you going to do? What are you gonna do? What am I gonna do? Yeah. Norman, this studio wasn't big enough for the two of us. Now here, you take this gun and I'll take this gun, and we'll shoot at each other until one of us is dead. Okay. You wanna better quarter, I win?
[00:10:00] Unknown:
What for? I just thought you might wanna make it exciting.
[00:10:09] Unknown:
Look. Why don't you go over to the Rollie cigarette program and have your head moisturized? Wait a minute. Now get out of here. Hey, Adam. Why don't you get that guy a job and keep him out of here? He just comes in here for laughs. He's got a job. He's a salesman. Are you kidding? That guy couldn't sell anything. Right now, he's working with a drugstore, and they're having a 1¢ sale. What you selling? Pennies. Pennies. Kokamunga, 30 2. Pomona, 30 1. 10. Fernando, above, 32. Riverside, 20 8. Wait a minute, Costello. What are you doing? Figured as long as I ain't getting any laughs, I just might as well read the frost warning. That's not that's not how to take.
After all, Costello, this is Christmas time. Don't you feel the spirit of Yes. I guess you're right, Abbot. I feel like helping everybody. I've got nothing but good in my heart. See that old man over there, the one with the beard and the patches on his pants. Yeah. I'll show you I got the spirit of Christmas. I'm going over there and help that old man out. That's the spirit, Costello. Hiya, buddy. Did I talk to you for a minute? Oh, I don't know. I don't know. Well, I I I I don't wanna be forward. This being Christmas, you know. I'm Lou Costello. Yeah. I thought that maybe you'd, sort of well, well, here's a dime. Get
[00:11:26] Unknown:
lost.
[00:11:30] Unknown:
Santa Paul of '32. Ventura, '20 '9. And and the '30 Hello, boys. Hey. Look. Costello is our secretary, Viola Vaughn. Alright. I called you last night, Viola, and you aren't home. No. I was over at Costello's house practicing love scenes with him. You were practicing love scenes with Costello? Uh-huh. He's show he's so short he he doesn't even come up to your shoulders. How can he how can he make love to you?
[00:11:55] Unknown:
Well, I stand him on a box, put my arms around him tight, kick the box out from under him, and I've got him trapped.
[00:12:06] Unknown:
Oh, hi. 29. Tipton above 42. 30 one. Well, I'll leave you two. Cheerios along. Pipp, pip, and Teddy Lamar. Pipp, pip, pip, and Teddy Lamar. Yeah. That's three pips. Where where are you going, Costello? I gotta go home now and take care of my brother, Pat. You know, he's in an awkward age. Awkward age? Yeah. He's too young to leave home alone and too old to trust with babysitter. Why waste your time with your brother, Pat? Why don't you take Viola to the movies? Oh, no. I'm not gonna go to the movies with Costello after what happened the last time. What happened? Viola and I were holding hands. We had to let go because we were tripping too many people. You were tripping people? Yeah. She was sitting across the aisle from me. Now do you see why I won't go to the movies with it? You don't have to go with me, Viola. I can get prettier girl. It's only tonight coming down here, Anne Sheridan says, hi, Alou.
When did you ever meet Anne Sheridan? I've seen her so many times on a screen. She thinks she knows me. Are you kidding? You don't you you don't know anybody in pictures. I don't know. Here comes Alan Ladd. I'll show you who my pals are. Hi, Alan. Hi, Alan. Mac. Mac? Mac. I thought he was your pal. Hi. He's a little Why didn't he call you Mac? He's a little near side. He thought I was Fred MacMerry.
[00:13:29] Unknown:
Well, so long, Costello. And remember, if you want to, you can come over to my house tonight.
[00:13:35] Unknown:
Oh, yeah. Costello, that was nice of you. I would invite you over for dinner. Yes. But I ain't gonna go to her house anymore for dinner. She's too wishy washy. Wishy washy. Yes. Every time we get through with dinner, she always says, I wishy you'd washy that this is Get out of here. Priscilla, put down that put down that water picture. Put down that water picture. What are you doing? I'm putting it down. What are you doing with it? Well, I drink water. Doctor told me to drink water an hour before I eat, and I don't like it. Why not? I've I've been drinking for twenty minutes. So if I take another swallow, I'll
[00:14:16] Unknown:
bust.
[00:14:19] Unknown:
What doctor did you go to? My cousin my cousin. He's a doctor. Doctor Vincent Varello. Is he a good doctor? Good. He's the greatest doctor in Cucamonga, the most stupid doctor in Cucamonga. There's no better doctor in Cucamonga. What makes you so shocked? He's the only doctor in Cucamonga. Yeah. I mean, why do you go all the way to Cucamonga? There's a doctor right in your block. Yeah. But he's a baby doctor. I ain't got no confidence in him. Why not? Very few babies make good doctors. Forget about it. Have you heard any more from our responses about, how they like our your Sam Shuttle detective stories? Indeed I have. Here's a letter from one of them that came this morning. I'll read it. Dear Lou Costello, since I heard you were gonna continue your Sam's Shovel detective series, I have decided to take the old picture off our bottles and replace it with your picture. For as long as you do your Sam's Shovel series, every bottle of our product will have your picture on the label. What product product do they make? Iodine. Alright. I thought so. What is your Sam's Shovel detective, for instance, for tonight? It's one of my minor cases. I have it. I call it the case of the babysitter who was fired because he neglected his work or it was time for a change.
Well, let's get on with the case.
[00:15:31] Unknown:
Now the makers of Pismo Cocoa, the cocoa that won't keep you awake unless you drink it, presents your favorite radio mystery, Sam's trouble, private detective. But first a word about our product. Friend, When you drink cocoa before you go to bed, do you toss and burn? Try a cup of Pismo Coco tonight. No more tossing. No more turning. You just lie there dead. Pismo Cocoa comes in the regular style for those who make it in a pot. It also comes vacuum packed for those who make it in a vacuum cleaner. Drink Pismo Cocoa and know, know when you drink Pismo Cocoa what a good cup tastes like.
Hey. Compared to the coco, the cup will taste wonderful. Now let's listen to what people all over the country are saying about Pismo Coco. That's Coco.
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That's Coco. That's Coco.
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That's Coco.
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Friends, we're proud of Pismo Coco. Remember this. During the war, Pismo Coco was chosen by our army as the coco they served overseas. They served it to the jet. And now Pismo Coco brings you the further adventures of 10 double private
[00:17:01] Unknown:
detective. Yes. I'm Sam Shovel. Sam Shovel, private detective. I've had a tough day. I'm sitting here in my little office dozing. I'm sleepy. Suddenly, I see a Dunhill, Caywoody, a corn cob, a briar. I'm having pipe dream. A telephone company was here this morning and put in the phone. I look at my new phone number, 6688. Must be on a trunk line. I just finished listening to my favorite radio, giveaway show. The only real giveaway show on the air. If you guess the answer, they give away the show. I see the mailman's shadow on the window in my office door. He's bringing my mail. He delivers the mail the hard way.
The hard way. He crawls through the mail slot and drags the mail in after him. I noticed my new map has arrived in the mail. It's got the boundaries of all the states marked on it. I study the map. There's the Ohio State line. There's the Indiana line. There's UL. That must be the Mason Dixon line. I love the South. I love the South. I love the South. I love the South. I love the South. I love the Trail, shotgun Jake to the South. He thought he was a smart guy, but I fixed his wagon. I grabbed him in Atlanta and fixed his wagon. In Chattanooga, I fixed his wagon.
I made a lot of money on our case. Gave me $5 every time I fixed his wagon. Here's a letter from a crook in Switzerland. He's in prison at the yodel yodel. That's Swiss for sing sing. I decided to read the rest of my mail. Here's a letter I don't understand. Dear Sam Schuvel, we're sick of you butting to our business. If the Varela gang don't kill you, we'll kill you. Sign the Merry Gang. PS, If you're already dead, please disregard this note. That sounds like a threatening letter. I better make sure I'm on. I opened the drawer of my desk to check on my gun. It's a Colt.
Here's a postcard for my bookmaker. He wants me to send him a dollar for a football pool. I don't think I'll do it. Waste of time building a pool for a football. About time for my pilots and an amateur of the homicide squad to show up. Abbott is a fine cop. Abbott chief wants to put him on the headquarters squad. No wonder. Abbott is the only cop in the force who's got a head the size of a quarter. I've hung out with Lieutenant Abbott so much, we've become known as sidekicks, not because we're so friendly. It's just that every time we meet, we kick each other in the side. Suddenly, I hear footsteps outside my door.
Hello, Sam. Hello. Glad you shut up, lieutenant Abbott. How about paying me the $5 you want me? In April showers, they come my way. Every time I ask for money, he gives me a song and dance. Where are you going to send an ad? I just arrested a guy for changing a tire. You can't arrest a man for changing a tire. My car to his. Well, Lieutenant Ahmed also changed it to you from my punchline to his punchline. Damn. This office is filthy. Why don't you get some cleaning equipment? Clean up the dirt. I've got plenty of cleaning equipment. I got vacuum cleaners, mops, drones, and scrubbing brushes. Why don't you use them? Can't find them. They're under the dirt.
You're in a space for the detective business. What an awful. It's ankle deep in dirt. Why don't you open a window? The only wind in the place is in my kitchenette. Well, open it. What? Let the sun come in and kill my mushroom bed? As I said this, I heard a creepy sound in the hole outside. I turned and looked. Lieutenant Abbott nice. Quick. Somebody's coming hide behind that model slob. Slab. Ma'am. Ma'am, you're right. There's someone at the door. Door's slowly open. Get it open while I'm still young enough to read the next line. Hitting in the doorway was the most gorgeous girl I've ever seen.
[00:21:34] Unknown:
Oh, mister Sam Javell, I have heard that you're a great detective.
[00:21:38] Unknown:
Well, I am. I looked at this lovely creature. She was wearing a low cut evening gown. Saint Jabel, will you help me out? Lady, don't you think you're out far enough already?
[00:21:48] Unknown:
Saint Jabel,
[00:21:50] Unknown:
who is your so charming friend? This is lieutenant Abbott of the homicide squad.
[00:21:55] Unknown:
Ah, the famous brave lieutenant Abbott. Lieutenant, I am in great danger. You can help me.
[00:22:02] Unknown:
Maybe, madame. Oh, Oh, I don't think I could do that. I couldn't do that. Mm-mm. I couldn't do that. What's she saying, Abbot? Maybe I could.
[00:22:33] Unknown:
Awesome, Sherbell. You are so brave. The terrible count Boris is after me. Tell me, what would you do if you were in my shoes?
[00:22:41] Unknown:
I'd probably fall flat on my pussy. Countess, you shouldn't drag Sam's shovel into this case. Here we go again. Boris is a vicious man. He might kill Sam. Besides,
[00:22:55] Unknown:
you have no money to pay the fee. Oh, it is true. I have no money. But, Sam, I can pay you with kisses. Kisses are not legal tender.
[00:23:05] Unknown:
They may not be legal, but I'll bet they're tender.
[00:23:12] Unknown:
Sam, you are so wonderful. I'm going to give you a kiss that will melt your heart.
[00:23:23] Unknown:
Sam. Sam, say something. Does anybody wanna buy 10¢ worth of liquid hot? Oh,
[00:23:32] Unknown:
oh, Sam, a discount. Verage is looking for me. He's always seeking me. For five years, I've been hiding from him. Quick, Sam. Where can I hide? Here. Hide under the desk.
[00:23:44] Unknown:
Where is the iron, Larkin? Here. I've been looking for her for five years. There you are under the desk. Come out, Mrs. Borden. I have found you, and you know what that means. What are you going to do to her, Count Boris? Nothing. Woody, now it's mine towards the hide. She's gotta find me.
[00:24:04] Unknown:
Get him out of here. What is it? Adam Costello will have the last word of you. Always say good night, ladies and gentlemen. I would like to say that the part of Sam's shovel in tonight's show was played by Luke Costello. And I, Bud Abbott, do not necessarily agree with anything he said. Thank you, Abbott. And I wanna say that the part of lieutenant Abbott of the homicide squad is played by Bud Abbott. And if there is any resemblance between Abbott and any living person, there would be better off dead. Thank you. And now let's give a bow to our broadcaster leader, Maddie Malnick, and to our singer, Hal Winter. And I'd like to give credit to our writing staff, which is headed by Lee Foreman with Paul Collin, Pat Costello, Martin Ragway, and Linda Stern. And let's not forget our capable producer, Charles Vanden. And let's not forget to say good night. Good night, folks. Good night, everybody in Listen each Thursday night at this time for another great Abbott Costello show just transcribed in Hollywood.
[00:25:13] Unknown:
Be sure to stay tuned for the outstanding entertainment which follows throughout the evening on this ABC station.
With Lucky Land Slots, you can get lucky just about anywhere.
[00:00:05] Unknown:
This is your captain speaking. We've got clear runway and the weather is fine, but we're just gonna circle up here a while and, get lucky. No. No. Nothing like that. It's just these cash prizes add up quick. So I suggest you sit back, keep your tray table upright, and start getting lucky.
[00:00:20] Unknown:
Play for free at luckylandslots.com. Are you feeling lucky? No purchase necessary. Void where prohibited by law. 18 plus terms and conditions apply. See website for See website for details.
[00:00:31] Unknown:
Luckyland Casino asking people what's the weirdest place you've gotten lucky. Lucky? In line of the deli, I guess? In my dentist's office. More than once, actually. Do I have to say? Yes. You do. In the car before my kids' PTA meeting. Really? Yes. Excuse me. What's the weirdest place you've gotten lucky? I never went in town. Well, there you have it. You could get lucky anywhere playing at luckylandslots.com. Play for free right now. Are you feeling lucky? No purchase necessary. Voice over here by law. 18 plus. Terms and conditions. Plus, website for details.
[00:01:14] Unknown:
Alright. I'll I'll I'll like to sing.
[00:01:16] Unknown:
I'll like to sing. I like to sing. I like to sing. I like to sing. I like to sing. I like to sing. I like to
[00:01:18] Unknown:
sing. I
[00:01:20] Unknown:
like to sing. I'm gonna sing on a program tonight. What do you know about music? You wouldn't know a bass from a soprano. That's so. You wouldn't see me sliding in a second soprano, would you? And besides, my new girl wants me to sing on the program. You've got a new girl? Yes. Every night, she knocks on my door, throws her arms around me, hugs and kisses me, and calls me Gregory Peck. She calls you Gregory Peck. Gregory Peck. Why didn't you tell her you're not Gregory Peck? Really boy. What does this girl do, Lou? She's a striptease dancer at the burlap show. I wait for her every night outside the stage door. Does she meet you? No. But she waves to me from the patrol wagon as it goes by.
[00:02:02] Unknown:
I'm
[00:02:04] Unknown:
saying it. I used to change it, girl like you. And I never got anywhere. And one day, I decided life wasn't worth living. I tried to shoot myself. Somebody stopped me. I tried to hang myself, and somebody stopped me. Too bad. I tried to drown myself in somebody. Some people never know when to mind their own business. Well, all I have to say to you, Costello, is, Yes. That's good line Spanish. Well, Los Angeles traffic. Los Angeles traffic. That's good bye in any language.
[00:02:49] Unknown:
Hey. Wait a minute, boys. Here's a serious looking fellow trying to get a word in edgewise. Let's see what he has to say.
[00:03:59] Unknown:
Alright. Alright. What are you holler you about this time? I've been chosen a man chosen a man of distinction by the Boy Scouts of America, and my picture is gonna be in all the magazines. What picture? There it is. It's a picture of me leaning up against my scout master drinking a glass of buttermilk. You must be pretty popular with your boy scout troop. Yes, sir. I'm the only boy scout in California that's got a hot rod. Yeah. You don't even know what a hot rod is. Oh, yes. I do. A hot rod is a jalopy that smokes Mexican cigarettes. You you did. You're running around with a bunch of kids at your age? There must be something wrong with you. What's the matter with you anyway? Can't figure it out, have it? I sleep good at night. I sleep good in the morning. But during the day, I just seen the twist and turn.
I wanted nobody who would associate with you. You haven't got a friend in the world. How can you say that, Abbot? I'm the most popular guy in my hometown. Every one of the 300,000 people in Paterson, New Jersey love me. Wait a minute, Costello. Three hundred thousand? Paterson only has a 40,000 people. When were you there last? Two years ago. Well, people have children, you know. You think 12¢? What's that roll of paper you've got in your pocket? That's my Christmas shopping list. You're right on the top. Oh, say, that's that's wonderful. What are you going to get me, Lou? Get you a handful of nickels and dimes and put them in your mouth.
Whenever you wanna give me a handful of nickels and dimes and put my mouth. I'd like to hear some change in your conversation. Never mind. Who else is on your list? Well, it's my uncle Mike. I don't know what to get him. Last year, I got him a smoking jacket. Did he like it? Oh, sure. Christmas morning, he stuffed it into his pipe. Didn't it burn? Yeah. But not as good as tobacco. I think I'll get my aunt May one of those old man river girdles. What's an old man river girdle? Helps you tote that barge and lift that veil. I'll I'll I'll either get that or I'll get a book of of volume by O'Henry.
A volume? Yeah. O. Henry only wrote short stories. How much can you write on a on a wrapper off a candy bar? What what is uncle Mike going to get at, Maylo? I don't know. Last year, he gave her a fur piece. Shot it under the house. Had a white stripe down its back. That was a skunk. If that was a skunk, why'd uncle Mike shoot it? After he shot it, he asked himself the same question. Wait. Wait a minute. After all, skunk is pretty expensive. Your uncle Mike had to buy it. He would have to sell his house to pay for it. After he got it, he had to sell the house anyway. My wife my wife wasn't me cold for Christmas, but pink skins cost $40 a piece. Why don't you just buy her one skin and and a sock stretcher?
That's not what this is. That's ridiculous. My wife's one of the most beautiful women in Hollywood. Every time I look at her, she reminds me of Jane Rush. Me too. Really? Mhmm. What might makes her remind you of Jane Russell? She's got legs like Bob Waterfield. I know. My wife puts on an evening gown. She looks like she was poured in. You're right, Abbot. She looks like she was poured in and forgot to say when. That's how my wife is a picture star a few years ago, you know. Our last picture was the great forest fire. It was the siren. I saw that picture. She nearly fell off the truck three times.
That's telling my wife is one of the most popular girls in this town. Why, I only want her on account of, my great romantic ability. You got romantic ability? When I put my arms around a girl and kiss her, her eyes close and paint that away. Yeah. But I used to be able to do the same thing on it. Lately, garlic doesn't agree with me. Tell me, Costello. How's your romance coming with that rich girl from, Pasadena? She wasn't serious at it. I found out it was nothing but puppy love on her part. When did she break the engagement? When she found out I wasn't a puppy. Right? Right? He should've he should've hung on to her, Costello. Her family were very wealthy.
Their home has 20 bathrooms. Their home has 20 bathrooms? That's right. No wonder they call them the filthy rich. You know, she was a nice girl at it, but there was only one thing wrong with her. She had a million dollar smile. Well, what's wrong with that? You can only smile at guys that had a million dollars. Well, now that you've broken off with her, why don't you make a play for my young sister, babe? Your sister, babe? Don't tell me she's out here in California now. Sure. She's always wanted to come out here to to the West where men are men and women are women. Yes. Out here in the West where men are men and women are women, and now your sister, babe, has to come out here and confuse the whole thing. Costello, my sister, babe, may be fat, but remember, she's a slick chick. She's slick alright. The last time I had a date with her, I'd been over to kiss her good night and her hair split off.
Are you trying to insinuate that my sister, babe, is bald? I wouldn't say that, Abbot. She's got one of those new, sunny, tough hairdos. Sunny, tough hairdos? Yeah. It's sunny down the middle, and there's a tough on each side. Hello.
[00:09:23] Unknown:
Hello? Now it's Abbott's nephew, folks. Now what do you want on it? Well, I'm on the committee for the Rose Bowl parade, and we want you to ride on one of those big rose covered floats on New Year's Day. Oh, that's wonderful. Yeah. But I've gotta tell you something. There's one restriction. You can't tell any of the jokes you tell on radio while you're riding on the float. And what? Not? We want the people to smell the roses.
[00:09:42] Unknown:
That did it. I can't stand this any longer. Every week, I say thank you. Now wait a minute. And I can't allow money for it. What are you going to do? What are you gonna do? What am I gonna do? Yeah. Norman, this studio wasn't big enough for the two of us. Now here, you take this gun and I'll take this gun, and we'll shoot at each other until one of us is dead. Okay. You wanna better quarter, I win?
[00:10:00] Unknown:
What for? I just thought you might wanna make it exciting.
[00:10:09] Unknown:
Look. Why don't you go over to the Rollie cigarette program and have your head moisturized? Wait a minute. Now get out of here. Hey, Adam. Why don't you get that guy a job and keep him out of here? He just comes in here for laughs. He's got a job. He's a salesman. Are you kidding? That guy couldn't sell anything. Right now, he's working with a drugstore, and they're having a 1¢ sale. What you selling? Pennies. Pennies. Kokamunga, 30 2. Pomona, 30 1. 10. Fernando, above, 32. Riverside, 20 8. Wait a minute, Costello. What are you doing? Figured as long as I ain't getting any laughs, I just might as well read the frost warning. That's not that's not how to take.
After all, Costello, this is Christmas time. Don't you feel the spirit of Yes. I guess you're right, Abbot. I feel like helping everybody. I've got nothing but good in my heart. See that old man over there, the one with the beard and the patches on his pants. Yeah. I'll show you I got the spirit of Christmas. I'm going over there and help that old man out. That's the spirit, Costello. Hiya, buddy. Did I talk to you for a minute? Oh, I don't know. I don't know. Well, I I I I don't wanna be forward. This being Christmas, you know. I'm Lou Costello. Yeah. I thought that maybe you'd, sort of well, well, here's a dime. Get
[00:11:26] Unknown:
lost.
[00:11:30] Unknown:
Santa Paul of '32. Ventura, '20 '9. And and the '30 Hello, boys. Hey. Look. Costello is our secretary, Viola Vaughn. Alright. I called you last night, Viola, and you aren't home. No. I was over at Costello's house practicing love scenes with him. You were practicing love scenes with Costello? Uh-huh. He's show he's so short he he doesn't even come up to your shoulders. How can he how can he make love to you?
[00:11:55] Unknown:
Well, I stand him on a box, put my arms around him tight, kick the box out from under him, and I've got him trapped.
[00:12:06] Unknown:
Oh, hi. 29. Tipton above 42. 30 one. Well, I'll leave you two. Cheerios along. Pipp, pip, and Teddy Lamar. Pipp, pip, pip, and Teddy Lamar. Yeah. That's three pips. Where where are you going, Costello? I gotta go home now and take care of my brother, Pat. You know, he's in an awkward age. Awkward age? Yeah. He's too young to leave home alone and too old to trust with babysitter. Why waste your time with your brother, Pat? Why don't you take Viola to the movies? Oh, no. I'm not gonna go to the movies with Costello after what happened the last time. What happened? Viola and I were holding hands. We had to let go because we were tripping too many people. You were tripping people? Yeah. She was sitting across the aisle from me. Now do you see why I won't go to the movies with it? You don't have to go with me, Viola. I can get prettier girl. It's only tonight coming down here, Anne Sheridan says, hi, Alou.
When did you ever meet Anne Sheridan? I've seen her so many times on a screen. She thinks she knows me. Are you kidding? You don't you you don't know anybody in pictures. I don't know. Here comes Alan Ladd. I'll show you who my pals are. Hi, Alan. Hi, Alan. Mac. Mac? Mac. I thought he was your pal. Hi. He's a little Why didn't he call you Mac? He's a little near side. He thought I was Fred MacMerry.
[00:13:29] Unknown:
Well, so long, Costello. And remember, if you want to, you can come over to my house tonight.
[00:13:35] Unknown:
Oh, yeah. Costello, that was nice of you. I would invite you over for dinner. Yes. But I ain't gonna go to her house anymore for dinner. She's too wishy washy. Wishy washy. Yes. Every time we get through with dinner, she always says, I wishy you'd washy that this is Get out of here. Priscilla, put down that put down that water picture. Put down that water picture. What are you doing? I'm putting it down. What are you doing with it? Well, I drink water. Doctor told me to drink water an hour before I eat, and I don't like it. Why not? I've I've been drinking for twenty minutes. So if I take another swallow, I'll
[00:14:16] Unknown:
bust.
[00:14:19] Unknown:
What doctor did you go to? My cousin my cousin. He's a doctor. Doctor Vincent Varello. Is he a good doctor? Good. He's the greatest doctor in Cucamonga, the most stupid doctor in Cucamonga. There's no better doctor in Cucamonga. What makes you so shocked? He's the only doctor in Cucamonga. Yeah. I mean, why do you go all the way to Cucamonga? There's a doctor right in your block. Yeah. But he's a baby doctor. I ain't got no confidence in him. Why not? Very few babies make good doctors. Forget about it. Have you heard any more from our responses about, how they like our your Sam Shuttle detective stories? Indeed I have. Here's a letter from one of them that came this morning. I'll read it. Dear Lou Costello, since I heard you were gonna continue your Sam's Shovel detective series, I have decided to take the old picture off our bottles and replace it with your picture. For as long as you do your Sam's Shovel series, every bottle of our product will have your picture on the label. What product product do they make? Iodine. Alright. I thought so. What is your Sam's Shovel detective, for instance, for tonight? It's one of my minor cases. I have it. I call it the case of the babysitter who was fired because he neglected his work or it was time for a change.
Well, let's get on with the case.
[00:15:31] Unknown:
Now the makers of Pismo Cocoa, the cocoa that won't keep you awake unless you drink it, presents your favorite radio mystery, Sam's trouble, private detective. But first a word about our product. Friend, When you drink cocoa before you go to bed, do you toss and burn? Try a cup of Pismo Coco tonight. No more tossing. No more turning. You just lie there dead. Pismo Cocoa comes in the regular style for those who make it in a pot. It also comes vacuum packed for those who make it in a vacuum cleaner. Drink Pismo Cocoa and know, know when you drink Pismo Cocoa what a good cup tastes like.
Hey. Compared to the coco, the cup will taste wonderful. Now let's listen to what people all over the country are saying about Pismo Coco. That's Coco.
[00:16:25] Unknown:
That's Coco. That's Coco.
[00:16:27] Unknown:
That's Coco.
[00:16:37] Unknown:
Friends, we're proud of Pismo Coco. Remember this. During the war, Pismo Coco was chosen by our army as the coco they served overseas. They served it to the jet. And now Pismo Coco brings you the further adventures of 10 double private
[00:17:01] Unknown:
detective. Yes. I'm Sam Shovel. Sam Shovel, private detective. I've had a tough day. I'm sitting here in my little office dozing. I'm sleepy. Suddenly, I see a Dunhill, Caywoody, a corn cob, a briar. I'm having pipe dream. A telephone company was here this morning and put in the phone. I look at my new phone number, 6688. Must be on a trunk line. I just finished listening to my favorite radio, giveaway show. The only real giveaway show on the air. If you guess the answer, they give away the show. I see the mailman's shadow on the window in my office door. He's bringing my mail. He delivers the mail the hard way.
The hard way. He crawls through the mail slot and drags the mail in after him. I noticed my new map has arrived in the mail. It's got the boundaries of all the states marked on it. I study the map. There's the Ohio State line. There's the Indiana line. There's UL. That must be the Mason Dixon line. I love the South. I love the South. I love the South. I love the South. I love the South. I love the Trail, shotgun Jake to the South. He thought he was a smart guy, but I fixed his wagon. I grabbed him in Atlanta and fixed his wagon. In Chattanooga, I fixed his wagon.
I made a lot of money on our case. Gave me $5 every time I fixed his wagon. Here's a letter from a crook in Switzerland. He's in prison at the yodel yodel. That's Swiss for sing sing. I decided to read the rest of my mail. Here's a letter I don't understand. Dear Sam Schuvel, we're sick of you butting to our business. If the Varela gang don't kill you, we'll kill you. Sign the Merry Gang. PS, If you're already dead, please disregard this note. That sounds like a threatening letter. I better make sure I'm on. I opened the drawer of my desk to check on my gun. It's a Colt.
Here's a postcard for my bookmaker. He wants me to send him a dollar for a football pool. I don't think I'll do it. Waste of time building a pool for a football. About time for my pilots and an amateur of the homicide squad to show up. Abbott is a fine cop. Abbott chief wants to put him on the headquarters squad. No wonder. Abbott is the only cop in the force who's got a head the size of a quarter. I've hung out with Lieutenant Abbott so much, we've become known as sidekicks, not because we're so friendly. It's just that every time we meet, we kick each other in the side. Suddenly, I hear footsteps outside my door.
Hello, Sam. Hello. Glad you shut up, lieutenant Abbott. How about paying me the $5 you want me? In April showers, they come my way. Every time I ask for money, he gives me a song and dance. Where are you going to send an ad? I just arrested a guy for changing a tire. You can't arrest a man for changing a tire. My car to his. Well, Lieutenant Ahmed also changed it to you from my punchline to his punchline. Damn. This office is filthy. Why don't you get some cleaning equipment? Clean up the dirt. I've got plenty of cleaning equipment. I got vacuum cleaners, mops, drones, and scrubbing brushes. Why don't you use them? Can't find them. They're under the dirt.
You're in a space for the detective business. What an awful. It's ankle deep in dirt. Why don't you open a window? The only wind in the place is in my kitchenette. Well, open it. What? Let the sun come in and kill my mushroom bed? As I said this, I heard a creepy sound in the hole outside. I turned and looked. Lieutenant Abbott nice. Quick. Somebody's coming hide behind that model slob. Slab. Ma'am. Ma'am, you're right. There's someone at the door. Door's slowly open. Get it open while I'm still young enough to read the next line. Hitting in the doorway was the most gorgeous girl I've ever seen.
[00:21:34] Unknown:
Oh, mister Sam Javell, I have heard that you're a great detective.
[00:21:38] Unknown:
Well, I am. I looked at this lovely creature. She was wearing a low cut evening gown. Saint Jabel, will you help me out? Lady, don't you think you're out far enough already?
[00:21:48] Unknown:
Saint Jabel,
[00:21:50] Unknown:
who is your so charming friend? This is lieutenant Abbott of the homicide squad.
[00:21:55] Unknown:
Ah, the famous brave lieutenant Abbott. Lieutenant, I am in great danger. You can help me.
[00:22:02] Unknown:
Maybe, madame. Oh, Oh, I don't think I could do that. I couldn't do that. Mm-mm. I couldn't do that. What's she saying, Abbot? Maybe I could.
[00:22:33] Unknown:
Awesome, Sherbell. You are so brave. The terrible count Boris is after me. Tell me, what would you do if you were in my shoes?
[00:22:41] Unknown:
I'd probably fall flat on my pussy. Countess, you shouldn't drag Sam's shovel into this case. Here we go again. Boris is a vicious man. He might kill Sam. Besides,
[00:22:55] Unknown:
you have no money to pay the fee. Oh, it is true. I have no money. But, Sam, I can pay you with kisses. Kisses are not legal tender.
[00:23:05] Unknown:
They may not be legal, but I'll bet they're tender.
[00:23:12] Unknown:
Sam, you are so wonderful. I'm going to give you a kiss that will melt your heart.
[00:23:23] Unknown:
Sam. Sam, say something. Does anybody wanna buy 10¢ worth of liquid hot? Oh,
[00:23:32] Unknown:
oh, Sam, a discount. Verage is looking for me. He's always seeking me. For five years, I've been hiding from him. Quick, Sam. Where can I hide? Here. Hide under the desk.
[00:23:44] Unknown:
Where is the iron, Larkin? Here. I've been looking for her for five years. There you are under the desk. Come out, Mrs. Borden. I have found you, and you know what that means. What are you going to do to her, Count Boris? Nothing. Woody, now it's mine towards the hide. She's gotta find me.
[00:24:04] Unknown:
Get him out of here. What is it? Adam Costello will have the last word of you. Always say good night, ladies and gentlemen. I would like to say that the part of Sam's shovel in tonight's show was played by Luke Costello. And I, Bud Abbott, do not necessarily agree with anything he said. Thank you, Abbott. And I wanna say that the part of lieutenant Abbott of the homicide squad is played by Bud Abbott. And if there is any resemblance between Abbott and any living person, there would be better off dead. Thank you. And now let's give a bow to our broadcaster leader, Maddie Malnick, and to our singer, Hal Winter. And I'd like to give credit to our writing staff, which is headed by Lee Foreman with Paul Collin, Pat Costello, Martin Ragway, and Linda Stern. And let's not forget our capable producer, Charles Vanden. And let's not forget to say good night. Good night, folks. Good night, everybody in Listen each Thursday night at this time for another great Abbott Costello show just transcribed in Hollywood.
[00:25:13] Unknown:
Be sure to stay tuned for the outstanding entertainment which follows throughout the evening on this ABC station.
Unusual Places to Get Lucky
Musical Aspirations and Romantic Misunderstandings
Boy Scouts and Hot Rods
Christmas Shopping and Family Antics
Romantic Mishaps and Hollywood Connections
Medical Advice and Detective Stories
Sam Shovel: The Case of the Babysitter
The Countess and the Detective
