In this episode, we dive into a comedic skit featuring the classic duo, Bud Abbott and Lou Costello. The episode opens with a humorous exchange about getting lucky at a casino, setting the stage for a series of comedic misunderstandings and wordplay. As the scene shifts, we find Costello returning from a trip, sharing his amusing experiences on a farm, including a hilarious mix-up about sowing seeds and reaping crops. The banter between Abbott and Costello is filled with their signature style of humor, playing on words and creating confusion that leads to laughter.
The episode continues with the duo exploring investment opportunities for Costello's earnings from the farm. Their journey takes them through a series of comedic encounters with various characters, each interaction more absurd than the last. From a misunderstanding about investing in necking to a humorous visit to a clothing business, Abbott and Costello's antics keep the audience entertained. The episode concludes with a futuristic scene set in 1954, where the duo reflects on their past investments, leading to more comedic chaos as they navigate the complexities of war bonds and family dynamics. This episode is a delightful blend of slapstick comedy and clever wordplay, showcasing the timeless humor of Abbott and Costello.
(01:08) Welcome Back to Hollywood
(02:09) Farm Life Adventures
(06:00) Investing in Post-War America
(12:00) A Futuristic Dream
(18:00) The Value of War Bonds
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[00:00:00]
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[00:01:09] Unknown:
Hollywood. Last stop. All out for Hollywood. Kevin. Kevin. Oh, boy. Evan. Where are you? Here I am. Here I am. Oh. Hello, bud. Welcome, Costello.
[00:01:20] Unknown:
Welcome home.
[00:01:22] Unknown:
Boys, good to see you. How was your training? Oh, epic. What a trip. What do you mean? I was seasick all the way from Chicago. Seasick? Yeah. Seasick? How how could you be seasick on a train? Oh, I was sitting between two ways.
[00:01:43] Unknown:
Well, everybody, glad to see you back, Costello. Hey. Look. Look at those five beautiful girls over there waving their handkerchiefs at you. Oh, they're waving their handkerchiefs at me. That's the first clean laundry I've seen in two weeks.
[00:01:56] Unknown:
You thought I lost my place.
[00:01:59] Unknown:
I beg your pardon. Are you mister Costello? That's me. Allow me to officially welcome you back to Hollywood. Welcome. Welcome. Welcome. Who are you? The mayor? No. Just another bum.
[00:02:10] Unknown:
You know, it's nice to be home among your friends.
[00:02:13] Unknown:
Yes. Yes. Yes. But say tell me, Crustello. How how did you enjoy your visit up to your uncle, Marty's farm? Oh, it was great, Ed. I spent the whole summer taking care of the pigs.
[00:02:23] Unknown:
Those little pigs love me like our little brother. I yeah. I can understand that. See, ever those little pigs look cute, but the big pig was afraid of them. The big pig was afraid of the little pig? Yeah. The little pig used to chase the big pig all around a pen No. Until he until he fell down. Yes. And then the little pig would jump on a big pig and chew all the butts off his vest. They have been a warned year.
[00:02:57] Unknown:
Look. No. How how about the crops? Did you have anything to do with the crops? Oh, I've got crops every night. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. I mean, did you help with the, planting? Did you, sow the seed? Did I what? I said, did you sow the seed?
[00:03:15] Unknown:
I didn't even know it was ripped.
[00:03:18] Unknown:
Wait a minute. When I when I say sow, I don't mean sow, s e w. I mean sow, s o w. Sow. For what? Sow the seed. You see? You've got seed? Yeah. You've got to sow the seed before you reap it. You sow it first and reap it later. Now what kind of talk is that?
[00:03:38] Unknown:
I used to reap my seed first, and my mother would sow it later.
[00:03:44] Unknown:
Look, Costello, when I say reap, I don't mean reap like rip when you rip. I mean reap like you reap when you sow.
[00:03:54] Unknown:
Oh. When you say reap like you reap when you reap, you don't mean reap like you reap when you reap. You mean reap like you reap when you sow. So Now you've got it. Now I've got it. Now you've got it. I don't even know what I'm talking about.
[00:04:14] Unknown:
Look, Casa Ford. Look. I'll I'll try to explain. I'll try to explain what sow the seed means. Suppose you were planting tomatoes.
[00:04:23] Unknown:
For what? Tomatoes. Why do I have to wait for tomato?
[00:04:28] Unknown:
Why can't I eat them and plant them today? Alright. Alright. Alright. So you're planting tomatoes today. How will they grow up? What do you do with them? I eat them. Oh, Now you can't eat all of them. Oh, why not? They're my tomatoes.
[00:04:42] Unknown:
I planted them. I'm I'm gonna eat them. Now wait a minute. Now wait a minute. You can't eat all tomatoes? You can't eat all those tomatoes alone. Alright.
[00:04:50] Unknown:
I don't eat them alone. Oh, that's better. I put salt and pepper on it. Look, you dummy. You've got a whole feed of tomatoes. You can't possibly eat them all, so you eat what you can. And what you can't eat, you
[00:05:03] Unknown:
can. Sure. I mean, any could I have that again? Certainly. Only this time, spread it out. Alright. Let me get a good look at what you're saying. Alright. Alright. Now look. Make it good because we got stiff competition. Alright. Alright. Alright. Alright. Look. Look.
[00:05:23] Unknown:
Look. You've got all those tomatoes. Now you eat what you can, and what you can eat,
[00:05:29] Unknown:
you can. I can what?
[00:05:32] Unknown:
What you can.
[00:05:33] Unknown:
I can what I can't. That's right.
[00:05:36] Unknown:
Look. I'm willing to forget the whole thing, whatever. No. You don't. I'm trying to tell you that you don't eat. Let's go back to soda re No. Listen. Wait a minute. No. We're not going back. We'll stick to the tomatoes. I'm just trying to tell you that you can't eat all the tomatoes. You can only eat what you can and what you can't eat. You can. You know, there's only one way to settle the whole thing. How is that? We'll throw away all the tomatoes beneath the can. That's Della, you're impossible. But let's forget about it. Come on. Let's hey. Wait a minute. By the way, did you make any money on this farm? Yeah. I'm I'm here's my paycheck. It's $75.
[00:06:09] Unknown:
Hey. That's fine. Just give me the check, and I'll sign your name on the back and deposit the check-in my bank. Well, you can't that's against the law. You can't you can't stand sign my name on a check. That's floggery. No. No. Fraudgery. You you said it was floggery. No. No. You mean jail and leave? No. No. No. You mean you mean forgery? Forge. Forge. Oh, forge. Yes. No. That's what me and my girl made last night. You made forge? We did too. You made Forge? We made forge last night. What are you talking about? We made chocolate covered fours.
Oh, sweet, and Sweet walnuts. Look. Alright. Look. Listen.
[00:06:48] Unknown:
I have a perfect right to sign your check. Now as your partner, remember, I have power of attorney. Well, remind me to have the power shut off.
[00:06:56] Unknown:
Give me that check, and I'll cash it and take my share. I wouldn't do that if I was you, Adam. Why not? Because if you take my money, you're gonna wind up in a can. And when you're in a can, you can't eat, and you can't can. Not even what you can while you're in a can. Because while you're in a can, you're gonna find a mix of it. It's gonna happen in this. Never. Never. Where are we going? Where are you taking me? Look, Costello.
[00:07:19] Unknown:
You've got $75 you made on the farm. We're going to find out what people are going to buy when the war is over. Yeah. And we'll invest your money in the thing that everybody wants the most. How can you invest money in necking? Come on. Look. We'll make a house to house canvas. Canvas? Yes. You mean we're gonna make tents for people to live in? Of course not. People don't live in tents. How about the people on Tenth Street? No. Never mind. Hey. We'll start with this big house right here. Now ring the bell and ask them what they want to buy most when the war is over. But I haven't looked. There's a sign on the door. What does it say? It says swing shift welder. Day sleeper. Do not disturb.
[00:07:56] Unknown:
This means you. Believe. I wouldn't mind it, but it's got police all underlined. Oh, come. Come. Come. Pay no attention to the sign. Go ahead and ring the bell. I know, but I I I ring the bell. Okay.
[00:08:08] Unknown:
Well, come on, sir. Uh-huh. You know, let's know. Come here. Come here. Come here. Go ahead and ring that bell. Go on. Okay. Okay. Wait a minute. Will I get over here?
[00:08:18] Unknown:
Well, blubber head, what do you want? I wanna go home to my mama. Good afternoon, sir. We'd like Afternoon. Do you mean you woke me up in the middle of the day? Can't you read that sign? Why, you fathead? I got a good notion to break every bone in your body. Just a minute. Just a minute, brother.
[00:08:36] Unknown:
I dare you to strike my little friend.
[00:08:39] Unknown:
Yeah. You heard him? Yeah. I dare you to strike his little friend. I'm his little friend. Go on. Strike me. What am I saying? Alright, Lordhead. You asked for it. Abbott, I think I'm working down the cell phone.
[00:09:02] Unknown:
Oh, come on. Pick yourself up, you coward. Hey. Wait a minute. Look. There's a kindly looking woman going into the house next door. Go ahead. Now speak to her. How do you do, madam? Well, stand by gurgle and call me anytime it's a mess. Where?
[00:09:16] Unknown:
Oh, you come in to Scottsdale. You stupid snuggle bug. I've always been one of your greatest admirers.
[00:09:22] Unknown:
Oh, you don't know what being you on the screen can do to the heart of a young girl. But I wasn't on a screen when you were when you were a young girl. They used magic lanterns. No. No. No. No. No. No. Quiet. Magic lanterns. Alright. Alright. Quiet, please.
[00:09:36] Unknown:
How do you know? Alright. Quiet, Costello. Lady, we just like to find out what you are going to do when the war is over. Why wait when the war is over?
[00:09:43] Unknown:
Woo hoo.
[00:09:45] Unknown:
Look dance, cute boy. Look. Wait. We just come here to ask you one question. The answer is yes. Abbot, let's go back to the welder's house.
[00:09:56] Unknown:
That's the first time I ever slammed a door on my own face. And listen, Abbot, I ain't knocking on any more doors. Oh, no. Don't be silly. Remember, Costello, we still don't know what to invest your money in. Let let let's try one more house. Come on.
[00:10:09] Unknown:
Hey.
[00:10:15] Unknown:
Look, Costello. It's our old friend, Kitssell.
[00:10:23] Unknown:
Well, well,
[00:10:24] Unknown:
could be. Yes. Well, what can I do for you, my happy champion? My friend Costello here is looking for a good place to invest his money for postwar security.
[00:10:34] Unknown:
Now you're talking my language, if that's possible. For $100 I'll take you in my clothing business as a senior partner. But I've only got $75. Come in, junior. Just a minute, mister Kitzel. First, we've got to know what kind of clothes you make. Well, now right here over my arm, I got a coat that I just now finished for Peter McGee. And you know something with this tooth I'm giving you free of charge three tails of suspenders. I don't wear suspenders. Well, how do you keep up your pants?
[00:11:08] Unknown:
My stomach establishes a beachhead, and the rear guard holds it.
[00:11:18] Unknown:
Oh, come on, Costello. We're wasting time.
[00:11:21] Unknown:
Just a second. Just a second now, boy. You haven't seen all my stock yet. Why, I got your toothpicks, candlesticks, and all kinds of knock knicks, freezers, tweezers, and powder for your beezers, doorknobs, corn, couches, and rubber plugs for bathtubs. Not too many
[00:11:36] Unknown:
sickles, pickles, flags, packs, America with crack, clued stew, and poo poo to you. And the dawn truck got like thunder from the landrock. Crack.
[00:12:00] Unknown:
Oh, Costello. Costello, will you settle down and go to sleep? What's the matter with you? What what's the matter with oh, I don't. I can't sleep, Abbot. I'm worried about how to invest my money. Oh, that's ridiculous. Just look at me. You're you're letting us get on your nerves. Your eyes are all bloodshot. Oh, they are? Yeah. I'm in the mirror.
[00:12:18] Unknown:
What do you mean, Abbot? My eyes ain't all bloodshot. They're not? No. Only the whites.
[00:12:24] Unknown:
Listen to me, Costello. There's only one way to settle this. Tomorrow morning, we're going down to the bank and invest your $75 in war bonds. I got enough war bonds. Yeah. Uh-uh. You can't have enough bonds, Costello. Bonds mean security for you and your family. Just think. You put $75 in a bond now, and in ten years, it's worth a hundred. Evan, I think you got something. Sure. You gotta go right down and buy bonds with the dough. That's the way to talk. And now you can go back to sleep with tranquility.
[00:12:51] Unknown:
Go back to sleep with tranquility. Yes. What's the matter? You wanna sleep with me anymore? Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Oh, my lord. I have a lot of money. $19.54.
[00:13:14] Unknown:
And now, ladies and gentlemen, we take you into the future. The time is ten years hence, the year 1954. The scene is the futuristic prefabricated air conditioned home of Lou Costello.
[00:13:25] Unknown:
The mother speaks. You be darling. Tune in on the television set. Your father and your uncle Bud are on the air tonight. Oh, gee.
[00:13:33] Unknown:
Do I have to listen to them gulps again?
[00:13:37] Unknown:
That's no way to talk about your uncle Bud. No. Go ahead and put on the program.
[00:13:42] Unknown:
Good evening, folks. This is Ken Niles bringing you the hundred and ninety seven thousandth broadcast of the current 1954 series featuring those two old jolly men, Bud Abbott and Lou Costello. Hi. Why, look at look at you, Costello.
[00:14:08] Unknown:
Well, where have you been? Talk sense. You you realize I'm I'm trying to organize a baseball team.
[00:14:15] Unknown:
And ain't you got that team together yet? Yep. Yep. Yep. I finally got them together. Barge chimney. Yep. But the players nowadays
[00:14:24] Unknown:
because the players nowadays surely have funny names. For for instance, who's on first?
[00:14:29] Unknown:
Who is? Yes.
[00:14:34] Unknown:
Yes. What? No. What's on second?
[00:14:38] Unknown:
Sophie, why did you send off the program?
[00:14:40] Unknown:
Nada. Every week, the same thing. They haven't changed their jobs in ten years. Gee, mom. It's 06:00. Hey, mama. 06:00. The planes are coming in from town.
[00:15:00] Unknown:
There goes mister Sherman, the banker.
[00:15:08] Unknown:
That's mister Hacket, the butcher. That's my pup. Oh. How did you go? Kiddie scram. Come on. Oh, here you go. Hidden stamp. Come on. Here comes somebody down the street. Oh, with your uncle Bud. Hello, uncle Bud. Where's Lou? Oh, he's working late at the office. His work has been, piling up on him. Well, I thought he just hired that new red headed photographer. Yeah. That's why his work is piling up. Whatever happens, that's how I'm supposed to.
[00:15:44] Unknown:
Will you be quiet? Oh, I'm good, but I hope he's paying for dinner. Yes. I think I'd better. After all, it take it takes me ten minutes to fly from Hollywood to Denver. Ten Minutes?
[00:15:55] Unknown:
That's why you get uncle Bud for flying that used rocket ship for months.
[00:16:01] Unknown:
What are we having for dinner tonight, mommy? For the house steak boiled, and creamly butter. Holy mackerel.
[00:16:08] Unknown:
Again? Then we never get nothing but steak and butter and butter and steak. It's driving me crazy. Why why can't we have some of those new beans with zippers? It's Bobby.
[00:16:26] Unknown:
Good evening. Is this the futuristic prefabricated air conditioned residence of mister and missus Costello? Yeah. I am mister Blank from the bank. Bye. Back in 1944, mister Abbott and mister Costello purchased a number of war bonds. Those bonds have matured now, and I'm here to pay you off in cash. Oh, isn't that wonderful, uncle Pott? It sure is. Yeah, uncle Pott. Now you can get that mean two pair you always wanted. Now if you'll just sign the bonds on the back, I'll give you your money.
[00:16:56] Unknown:
There. There's my signature. Signature. There you are. There's mine. And I'll also sign for Costello.
[00:17:02] Unknown:
That's froggery. So my old maid says
[00:17:07] Unknown:
And now as you remember, the little boy here is the beneficiary on these bonds, so we'll have to have his signature. Oh, of good.
[00:17:16] Unknown:
You be done. I cannot be lost. I won't shine.
[00:17:20] Unknown:
What? I'm not gonna shine. You won't shine. How dare you say such a thing? The way you've been acting lately, I don't know what's gotten into you. What's the matter with you?
[00:17:29] Unknown:
Oh, I'm a fake ass boy. Oh,
[00:17:39] Unknown:
you just wait till your father gets here. Here. Oh, Uncle Bud, snap on the peak of smokescreen views at the back door.
[00:17:48] Unknown:
Well, all I can see is the garbage can.
[00:17:51] Unknown:
That's my pop. Oh, hello. Hello, dear. Hello. Hello. What an exciting day I had at the stock market. Yeah. 10 and up is zed to seven and three quarters. Well, you
[00:18:07] Unknown:
I, dear, got up with that result. I'm denying. Yes. You guess the time, Costello? This man here is here to pay us the money on those war bonds that I talked you into buying ten years ago. And your son, Sophie, refuses to sign the bond. Oh, yeah?
[00:18:21] Unknown:
Yeah. Oh, yeah? Yeah. Oh, yeah? Yeah. What a stubborn kid. I might as well talk to myself. Lou Lou, why don't you take Tupi into the bedroom and give him a sound freshie? Oh, I can't do that. I can't whip my son. Why not? I'm playing both parts. And in one part, it might hurt.
[00:18:52] Unknown:
Here, use my revolver. You know the old saying, spare the rod and spoil the child.
[00:18:59] Unknown:
Well, you people come yap all night, but I ain't gonna try no bonds until I know what my cut is.
[00:19:05] Unknown:
Your daddy wants the money for you. He wants you to have a career and a fine education.
[00:19:10] Unknown:
I don't tell what
[00:19:12] Unknown:
excuse me. I I don't I don't want no education. I don't want no education. I don't want no education. I don't want
[00:19:19] Unknown:
I don't know what to say. I wanna pay my I don't know what what.
[00:19:29] Unknown:
Look. Look, Kewpie. If you'll sign the bonds, we'll give you
[00:19:36] Unknown:
all the money. Well, I wasn't gonna.
[00:19:39] Unknown:
Well, you took me into it. Well, folks, you've made a wise decision at turning the money over to the boy because you know if anything should happen to the little fellow, all the money goes to the survivor. Get it? Well, good night, folks. Good night, you little.
[00:20:00] Unknown:
Well, Lou, you heard what the man said. If anything happens to QB, all the money goes to the survivors. Do you get it? Yeah. I get it. And I get it.
[00:20:12] Unknown:
And I think I'm gonna get it too.
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[00:01:09] Unknown:
Hollywood. Last stop. All out for Hollywood. Kevin. Kevin. Oh, boy. Evan. Where are you? Here I am. Here I am. Oh. Hello, bud. Welcome, Costello.
[00:01:20] Unknown:
Welcome home.
[00:01:22] Unknown:
Boys, good to see you. How was your training? Oh, epic. What a trip. What do you mean? I was seasick all the way from Chicago. Seasick? Yeah. Seasick? How how could you be seasick on a train? Oh, I was sitting between two ways.
[00:01:43] Unknown:
Well, everybody, glad to see you back, Costello. Hey. Look. Look at those five beautiful girls over there waving their handkerchiefs at you. Oh, they're waving their handkerchiefs at me. That's the first clean laundry I've seen in two weeks.
[00:01:56] Unknown:
You thought I lost my place.
[00:01:59] Unknown:
I beg your pardon. Are you mister Costello? That's me. Allow me to officially welcome you back to Hollywood. Welcome. Welcome. Welcome. Who are you? The mayor? No. Just another bum.
[00:02:10] Unknown:
You know, it's nice to be home among your friends.
[00:02:13] Unknown:
Yes. Yes. Yes. But say tell me, Crustello. How how did you enjoy your visit up to your uncle, Marty's farm? Oh, it was great, Ed. I spent the whole summer taking care of the pigs.
[00:02:23] Unknown:
Those little pigs love me like our little brother. I yeah. I can understand that. See, ever those little pigs look cute, but the big pig was afraid of them. The big pig was afraid of the little pig? Yeah. The little pig used to chase the big pig all around a pen No. Until he until he fell down. Yes. And then the little pig would jump on a big pig and chew all the butts off his vest. They have been a warned year.
[00:02:57] Unknown:
Look. No. How how about the crops? Did you have anything to do with the crops? Oh, I've got crops every night. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. I mean, did you help with the, planting? Did you, sow the seed? Did I what? I said, did you sow the seed?
[00:03:15] Unknown:
I didn't even know it was ripped.
[00:03:18] Unknown:
Wait a minute. When I when I say sow, I don't mean sow, s e w. I mean sow, s o w. Sow. For what? Sow the seed. You see? You've got seed? Yeah. You've got to sow the seed before you reap it. You sow it first and reap it later. Now what kind of talk is that?
[00:03:38] Unknown:
I used to reap my seed first, and my mother would sow it later.
[00:03:44] Unknown:
Look, Costello, when I say reap, I don't mean reap like rip when you rip. I mean reap like you reap when you sow.
[00:03:54] Unknown:
Oh. When you say reap like you reap when you reap, you don't mean reap like you reap when you reap. You mean reap like you reap when you sow. So Now you've got it. Now I've got it. Now you've got it. I don't even know what I'm talking about.
[00:04:14] Unknown:
Look, Casa Ford. Look. I'll I'll try to explain. I'll try to explain what sow the seed means. Suppose you were planting tomatoes.
[00:04:23] Unknown:
For what? Tomatoes. Why do I have to wait for tomato?
[00:04:28] Unknown:
Why can't I eat them and plant them today? Alright. Alright. Alright. So you're planting tomatoes today. How will they grow up? What do you do with them? I eat them. Oh, Now you can't eat all of them. Oh, why not? They're my tomatoes.
[00:04:42] Unknown:
I planted them. I'm I'm gonna eat them. Now wait a minute. Now wait a minute. You can't eat all tomatoes? You can't eat all those tomatoes alone. Alright.
[00:04:50] Unknown:
I don't eat them alone. Oh, that's better. I put salt and pepper on it. Look, you dummy. You've got a whole feed of tomatoes. You can't possibly eat them all, so you eat what you can. And what you can't eat, you
[00:05:03] Unknown:
can. Sure. I mean, any could I have that again? Certainly. Only this time, spread it out. Alright. Let me get a good look at what you're saying. Alright. Alright. Now look. Make it good because we got stiff competition. Alright. Alright. Alright. Alright. Look. Look.
[00:05:23] Unknown:
Look. You've got all those tomatoes. Now you eat what you can, and what you can eat,
[00:05:29] Unknown:
you can. I can what?
[00:05:32] Unknown:
What you can.
[00:05:33] Unknown:
I can what I can't. That's right.
[00:05:36] Unknown:
Look. I'm willing to forget the whole thing, whatever. No. You don't. I'm trying to tell you that you don't eat. Let's go back to soda re No. Listen. Wait a minute. No. We're not going back. We'll stick to the tomatoes. I'm just trying to tell you that you can't eat all the tomatoes. You can only eat what you can and what you can't eat. You can. You know, there's only one way to settle the whole thing. How is that? We'll throw away all the tomatoes beneath the can. That's Della, you're impossible. But let's forget about it. Come on. Let's hey. Wait a minute. By the way, did you make any money on this farm? Yeah. I'm I'm here's my paycheck. It's $75.
[00:06:09] Unknown:
Hey. That's fine. Just give me the check, and I'll sign your name on the back and deposit the check-in my bank. Well, you can't that's against the law. You can't you can't stand sign my name on a check. That's floggery. No. No. Fraudgery. You you said it was floggery. No. No. You mean jail and leave? No. No. No. You mean you mean forgery? Forge. Forge. Oh, forge. Yes. No. That's what me and my girl made last night. You made forge? We did too. You made Forge? We made forge last night. What are you talking about? We made chocolate covered fours.
Oh, sweet, and Sweet walnuts. Look. Alright. Look. Listen.
[00:06:48] Unknown:
I have a perfect right to sign your check. Now as your partner, remember, I have power of attorney. Well, remind me to have the power shut off.
[00:06:56] Unknown:
Give me that check, and I'll cash it and take my share. I wouldn't do that if I was you, Adam. Why not? Because if you take my money, you're gonna wind up in a can. And when you're in a can, you can't eat, and you can't can. Not even what you can while you're in a can. Because while you're in a can, you're gonna find a mix of it. It's gonna happen in this. Never. Never. Where are we going? Where are you taking me? Look, Costello.
[00:07:19] Unknown:
You've got $75 you made on the farm. We're going to find out what people are going to buy when the war is over. Yeah. And we'll invest your money in the thing that everybody wants the most. How can you invest money in necking? Come on. Look. We'll make a house to house canvas. Canvas? Yes. You mean we're gonna make tents for people to live in? Of course not. People don't live in tents. How about the people on Tenth Street? No. Never mind. Hey. We'll start with this big house right here. Now ring the bell and ask them what they want to buy most when the war is over. But I haven't looked. There's a sign on the door. What does it say? It says swing shift welder. Day sleeper. Do not disturb.
[00:07:56] Unknown:
This means you. Believe. I wouldn't mind it, but it's got police all underlined. Oh, come. Come. Come. Pay no attention to the sign. Go ahead and ring the bell. I know, but I I I ring the bell. Okay.
[00:08:08] Unknown:
Well, come on, sir. Uh-huh. You know, let's know. Come here. Come here. Come here. Go ahead and ring that bell. Go on. Okay. Okay. Wait a minute. Will I get over here?
[00:08:18] Unknown:
Well, blubber head, what do you want? I wanna go home to my mama. Good afternoon, sir. We'd like Afternoon. Do you mean you woke me up in the middle of the day? Can't you read that sign? Why, you fathead? I got a good notion to break every bone in your body. Just a minute. Just a minute, brother.
[00:08:36] Unknown:
I dare you to strike my little friend.
[00:08:39] Unknown:
Yeah. You heard him? Yeah. I dare you to strike his little friend. I'm his little friend. Go on. Strike me. What am I saying? Alright, Lordhead. You asked for it. Abbott, I think I'm working down the cell phone.
[00:09:02] Unknown:
Oh, come on. Pick yourself up, you coward. Hey. Wait a minute. Look. There's a kindly looking woman going into the house next door. Go ahead. Now speak to her. How do you do, madam? Well, stand by gurgle and call me anytime it's a mess. Where?
[00:09:16] Unknown:
Oh, you come in to Scottsdale. You stupid snuggle bug. I've always been one of your greatest admirers.
[00:09:22] Unknown:
Oh, you don't know what being you on the screen can do to the heart of a young girl. But I wasn't on a screen when you were when you were a young girl. They used magic lanterns. No. No. No. No. No. No. Quiet. Magic lanterns. Alright. Alright. Quiet, please.
[00:09:36] Unknown:
How do you know? Alright. Quiet, Costello. Lady, we just like to find out what you are going to do when the war is over. Why wait when the war is over?
[00:09:43] Unknown:
Woo hoo.
[00:09:45] Unknown:
Look dance, cute boy. Look. Wait. We just come here to ask you one question. The answer is yes. Abbot, let's go back to the welder's house.
[00:09:56] Unknown:
That's the first time I ever slammed a door on my own face. And listen, Abbot, I ain't knocking on any more doors. Oh, no. Don't be silly. Remember, Costello, we still don't know what to invest your money in. Let let let's try one more house. Come on.
[00:10:09] Unknown:
Hey.
[00:10:15] Unknown:
Look, Costello. It's our old friend, Kitssell.
[00:10:23] Unknown:
Well, well,
[00:10:24] Unknown:
could be. Yes. Well, what can I do for you, my happy champion? My friend Costello here is looking for a good place to invest his money for postwar security.
[00:10:34] Unknown:
Now you're talking my language, if that's possible. For $100 I'll take you in my clothing business as a senior partner. But I've only got $75. Come in, junior. Just a minute, mister Kitzel. First, we've got to know what kind of clothes you make. Well, now right here over my arm, I got a coat that I just now finished for Peter McGee. And you know something with this tooth I'm giving you free of charge three tails of suspenders. I don't wear suspenders. Well, how do you keep up your pants?
[00:11:08] Unknown:
My stomach establishes a beachhead, and the rear guard holds it.
[00:11:18] Unknown:
Oh, come on, Costello. We're wasting time.
[00:11:21] Unknown:
Just a second. Just a second now, boy. You haven't seen all my stock yet. Why, I got your toothpicks, candlesticks, and all kinds of knock knicks, freezers, tweezers, and powder for your beezers, doorknobs, corn, couches, and rubber plugs for bathtubs. Not too many
[00:11:36] Unknown:
sickles, pickles, flags, packs, America with crack, clued stew, and poo poo to you. And the dawn truck got like thunder from the landrock. Crack.
[00:12:00] Unknown:
Oh, Costello. Costello, will you settle down and go to sleep? What's the matter with you? What what's the matter with oh, I don't. I can't sleep, Abbot. I'm worried about how to invest my money. Oh, that's ridiculous. Just look at me. You're you're letting us get on your nerves. Your eyes are all bloodshot. Oh, they are? Yeah. I'm in the mirror.
[00:12:18] Unknown:
What do you mean, Abbot? My eyes ain't all bloodshot. They're not? No. Only the whites.
[00:12:24] Unknown:
Listen to me, Costello. There's only one way to settle this. Tomorrow morning, we're going down to the bank and invest your $75 in war bonds. I got enough war bonds. Yeah. Uh-uh. You can't have enough bonds, Costello. Bonds mean security for you and your family. Just think. You put $75 in a bond now, and in ten years, it's worth a hundred. Evan, I think you got something. Sure. You gotta go right down and buy bonds with the dough. That's the way to talk. And now you can go back to sleep with tranquility.
[00:12:51] Unknown:
Go back to sleep with tranquility. Yes. What's the matter? You wanna sleep with me anymore? Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Oh, my lord. I have a lot of money. $19.54.
[00:13:14] Unknown:
And now, ladies and gentlemen, we take you into the future. The time is ten years hence, the year 1954. The scene is the futuristic prefabricated air conditioned home of Lou Costello.
[00:13:25] Unknown:
The mother speaks. You be darling. Tune in on the television set. Your father and your uncle Bud are on the air tonight. Oh, gee.
[00:13:33] Unknown:
Do I have to listen to them gulps again?
[00:13:37] Unknown:
That's no way to talk about your uncle Bud. No. Go ahead and put on the program.
[00:13:42] Unknown:
Good evening, folks. This is Ken Niles bringing you the hundred and ninety seven thousandth broadcast of the current 1954 series featuring those two old jolly men, Bud Abbott and Lou Costello. Hi. Why, look at look at you, Costello.
[00:14:08] Unknown:
Well, where have you been? Talk sense. You you realize I'm I'm trying to organize a baseball team.
[00:14:15] Unknown:
And ain't you got that team together yet? Yep. Yep. Yep. I finally got them together. Barge chimney. Yep. But the players nowadays
[00:14:24] Unknown:
because the players nowadays surely have funny names. For for instance, who's on first?
[00:14:29] Unknown:
Who is? Yes.
[00:14:34] Unknown:
Yes. What? No. What's on second?
[00:14:38] Unknown:
Sophie, why did you send off the program?
[00:14:40] Unknown:
Nada. Every week, the same thing. They haven't changed their jobs in ten years. Gee, mom. It's 06:00. Hey, mama. 06:00. The planes are coming in from town.
[00:15:00] Unknown:
There goes mister Sherman, the banker.
[00:15:08] Unknown:
That's mister Hacket, the butcher. That's my pup. Oh. How did you go? Kiddie scram. Come on. Oh, here you go. Hidden stamp. Come on. Here comes somebody down the street. Oh, with your uncle Bud. Hello, uncle Bud. Where's Lou? Oh, he's working late at the office. His work has been, piling up on him. Well, I thought he just hired that new red headed photographer. Yeah. That's why his work is piling up. Whatever happens, that's how I'm supposed to.
[00:15:44] Unknown:
Will you be quiet? Oh, I'm good, but I hope he's paying for dinner. Yes. I think I'd better. After all, it take it takes me ten minutes to fly from Hollywood to Denver. Ten Minutes?
[00:15:55] Unknown:
That's why you get uncle Bud for flying that used rocket ship for months.
[00:16:01] Unknown:
What are we having for dinner tonight, mommy? For the house steak boiled, and creamly butter. Holy mackerel.
[00:16:08] Unknown:
Again? Then we never get nothing but steak and butter and butter and steak. It's driving me crazy. Why why can't we have some of those new beans with zippers? It's Bobby.
[00:16:26] Unknown:
Good evening. Is this the futuristic prefabricated air conditioned residence of mister and missus Costello? Yeah. I am mister Blank from the bank. Bye. Back in 1944, mister Abbott and mister Costello purchased a number of war bonds. Those bonds have matured now, and I'm here to pay you off in cash. Oh, isn't that wonderful, uncle Pott? It sure is. Yeah, uncle Pott. Now you can get that mean two pair you always wanted. Now if you'll just sign the bonds on the back, I'll give you your money.
[00:16:56] Unknown:
There. There's my signature. Signature. There you are. There's mine. And I'll also sign for Costello.
[00:17:02] Unknown:
That's froggery. So my old maid says
[00:17:07] Unknown:
And now as you remember, the little boy here is the beneficiary on these bonds, so we'll have to have his signature. Oh, of good.
[00:17:16] Unknown:
You be done. I cannot be lost. I won't shine.
[00:17:20] Unknown:
What? I'm not gonna shine. You won't shine. How dare you say such a thing? The way you've been acting lately, I don't know what's gotten into you. What's the matter with you?
[00:17:29] Unknown:
Oh, I'm a fake ass boy. Oh,
[00:17:39] Unknown:
you just wait till your father gets here. Here. Oh, Uncle Bud, snap on the peak of smokescreen views at the back door.
[00:17:48] Unknown:
Well, all I can see is the garbage can.
[00:17:51] Unknown:
That's my pop. Oh, hello. Hello, dear. Hello. Hello. What an exciting day I had at the stock market. Yeah. 10 and up is zed to seven and three quarters. Well, you
[00:18:07] Unknown:
I, dear, got up with that result. I'm denying. Yes. You guess the time, Costello? This man here is here to pay us the money on those war bonds that I talked you into buying ten years ago. And your son, Sophie, refuses to sign the bond. Oh, yeah?
[00:18:21] Unknown:
Yeah. Oh, yeah? Yeah. Oh, yeah? Yeah. What a stubborn kid. I might as well talk to myself. Lou Lou, why don't you take Tupi into the bedroom and give him a sound freshie? Oh, I can't do that. I can't whip my son. Why not? I'm playing both parts. And in one part, it might hurt.
[00:18:52] Unknown:
Here, use my revolver. You know the old saying, spare the rod and spoil the child.
[00:18:59] Unknown:
Well, you people come yap all night, but I ain't gonna try no bonds until I know what my cut is.
[00:19:05] Unknown:
Your daddy wants the money for you. He wants you to have a career and a fine education.
[00:19:10] Unknown:
I don't tell what
[00:19:12] Unknown:
excuse me. I I don't I don't want no education. I don't want no education. I don't want no education. I don't want
[00:19:19] Unknown:
I don't know what to say. I wanna pay my I don't know what what.
[00:19:29] Unknown:
Look. Look, Kewpie. If you'll sign the bonds, we'll give you
[00:19:36] Unknown:
all the money. Well, I wasn't gonna.
[00:19:39] Unknown:
Well, you took me into it. Well, folks, you've made a wise decision at turning the money over to the boy because you know if anything should happen to the little fellow, all the money goes to the survivor. Get it? Well, good night, folks. Good night, you little.
[00:20:00] Unknown:
Well, Lou, you heard what the man said. If anything happens to QB, all the money goes to the survivors. Do you get it? Yeah. I get it. And I get it.
[00:20:12] Unknown:
And I think I'm gonna get it too.
