In this lively episode, Ryan shares his amusing experience of playing Chumba Casino games while on a flight, only to discover his seatmate was doing the same. He highlights the joy and excitement of playing these social casino-style games anywhere, even at 30,000 feet, and encourages listeners to join in the fun by signing up for Chumba Casino. The conversation then takes a comedic turn as Ryan and his co-host engage in a series of humorous exchanges, touching on topics from family antics to the absurdities of everyday life.
The episode continues with a series of comedic sketches and interactions, featuring characters like Susan Miller and Uncle Mike, who bring their own brand of humor to the show. From misunderstandings about changing car oil to playful banter about romantic escapades, the hosts keep the laughter rolling. The episode wraps up with a visit from a Hollywood columnist, leading to a hilarious misunderstanding about "digging up dirt," which turns out to be quite literal. This episode is packed with laughs, witty dialogues, and a touch of classic comedy flair.
(00:00) Introduction and Chumba Casino
(01:14) Costello's Family and Golf Anecdotes
(03:49) Dreams and Sleepwalking
(07:00) Comedy Skits and Jokes
(11:00) Erskine Johnson's Visit
(15:04) Interview with Mrs. Flashback
(19:13) Erskine Johnson's Real Intentions
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[00:00:00]
Unknown:
Hello. It is Ryan, and I was on a flight the other day playing one of my favorite social spin slot games on chumbacasino.com. I looked over the person sitting next to me, and you know what they were doing? They were also playing Chumba casino. Coincidence? I think not. Everybody's loving having fun with it. Chumba Casino is home to hundreds of casino style games that you can play for free anytime, anywhere, even at 30,000 feet. So sign up now at chumbacasino.com to claim your free welcome bonus at chumba casino dot com and live the Chumba life. No purchase necessary. Hello. It is Ryan, and we could all use an extra bright spot in our day, couldn't we? Just to make up for things like sitting in traffic, doing the dishes, counting your steps, you know, all the mundane stuff. That is why I'm such a big fan of Chumba Casino. Chumba Casino has all your favorite social casino style games that you can play for free anytime, anywhere with daily bonuses.
That should brighten your day low. Actually, a lot. So sign up now at Chumbacasino.com. That's ChumbaCasino.com. No purchase necessary. DTE delivered. Avoid
[00:01:04] Unknown:
prohibited by law. See terms and conditions 18 plus. Alright, Costello. I hear uncle Mike is raising ducks now on his ranch. Oh, yes. He's got a lot of them. What chance have I got of having a duck egg? Not much unless you're a duck. Well, thinking about your relatives. Did you play gels with Susan Miller yesterday? Oh, yes. And she knows how to use a meshy and a putter. That's good. How does she use the wood? I don't know. We just play gels. Hey. What's the matter with your foot? I hit my big toe with a mid iron. What I did midday too.
What are you doing for us? Flipping. Flimp. Look at your face. How did you get a suit dirty? It's covered with grease. All I did was follow the instructions when I changed the oil in Susan's car. Well, how did you get your face so weird? Well, it says when changing oil, old oil in your car, be sure and let it drain in your pants. If I was Susan Miller, I wouldn't be seen with you. You are the biggest idiot I ever met. You're just saying that because you don't get around much. I and, hopefully, I don't care if you got it. Susan loves me. She's my Abba Abba girl. Abba Abba. Yes. That's hover hover spelled backwards.
Susan's got it coming and going. Now wait, Costello. Relax and listen a minute. My hello? Hello, Adam? Hello, Adam? Hello, Adam? Hello, Adam? Hello, Adam? Hello, Adam? Hello, Adam? Can you get over here? Have him. I'll be there before anybody's to take Jack Robinson. Here I am. Did anybody see it? Never mind. What's the idea of running out in the middle of the show and taking a driver's test? Well, you have to have it. You've gotta watch these California traffic wars. Last week, I got arrested for walking in my sleep. How could they arrest you for walking in your sleep? I don't wear any pajamas. Never mind.
Do you dream while you're sleeping, when you're walking in your sleep room? Oh, yes. Last night I dreamed I was walking through a park with Eddie Lamar. We sat down on a bench. I put my arms around her. She put her arms around me. I lifted a face to mine and kissed it. And then? Then I looked into her lovely eyes and said, Eddie, what about going steady? And what did she say? She said, put yourself, big boy. It's your dream. Good evening, gentlemen. I'm the star salesman for Hemi Wallace's new book, 60,000,000 jobs. Well, what can I do for you? Could you tell me where I could find employment? That kind of stuff you folks is middle initial is p. What is the p stand for? Restriction.
First time his old man saw him, he took a powder. Yeah. Just jealous of Godzilla because he has talent. Come out here, Norman. What do you want, mister Butt? I wanna show Costello how talented you are. Recite that poem you wrote last night by yourself. Okay, Uncle Bud. Go ahead. Oh, this is for the people who like seafood. January is a month with an r in it, and so are the months that follow it. If you've been holding an oyster in your mouth all winter, now is the time to swallow it. Ah, it's part of that boy, Costello. He's going places. And as soon as I can find a new straight man, you're going with him.
Never mind that. How about paying me back to the $14 you owe me? I can account for every cent of care. I'll figure it out on the blackboard. Now let me see. I spent $8 and that means 6. Now 8 goes in this 6. 8 goes into 6. Wait a minute, 8 won't go into 6. There's no use of forcing it. Suppose we start over and carry two. Carry two. Yes, let's put the word. You carry one and I'll carry one. Now my one equals x and your one equals o. Now I put down an x then an o then an x then an o then another x then an o. Wait a minute. What are you doing? Hey. How do you like that? I just beat myself playing a tic tac toe. Hello, boy. Well, it's Susan Miller.
[00:05:38] Unknown:
Oh, hello, Susan. You know I've been trying to get you on the phone? I don't think you tried to get me at all. In fact, I've been telephoning your house all week. Monday night, I called your house, and somebody said you were taking a bath. Monday night? Yes. Brother, did you have the wrong number?
[00:05:53] Unknown:
Don't pay any attention to Costellas's. Why don't you and I step out tonight? We'll go to some little quiet spot. You'll find that I'm very romantic with candlelight and a glass of wine. You wouldn't be romantic with a flash light and a barrel of beer. Come out with me, Susan, if you really wanna live. I'll kiss you until the cows come home. With you around, Costello, it's going to be hard to tell when the cows arrive.
[00:06:19] Unknown:
That was a good one, bud.
[00:06:21] Unknown:
I wonder whatever happened to Pinky Lee. Abbot, I'm supposed to get the last just hitting below the belt. Well, Costello, that's where most of you is. Susan, tell you, you ain't stopped tonight. It's alright, Abbot. Go ahead. You and Susan tell the funny stuff. I'll set fire to these old rubber boots. Costello, won't that smell up the studio? Yes. But nobody will notice it while you two are on. Remember, Costello. I must I'm the guy that makes you funny. I can tell jokes better than you. Attaboy, but go ahead and tell him. Alright, Cartella. I'll tell you I've got a goat at, my home that hasn't any nose. And you say, how does he smell? And I yell upon the end. Now come on. Okay. Put the okay. And that's all you had to think it was. Okay. Okay. Go ahead. Hello, Costello.
I've got a goat over at my house. He hasn't any nose. Is that all? I no. No. No. No. Not is that so? You're supposed to say to me, how does the goat smell? I'll try it again. Catella, I've got a goat at my house, and he hasn't any nose.
[00:07:30] Unknown:
Well, Catella, ask him how it smells.
[00:07:32] Unknown:
I don't have to. I've been to his house.
[00:07:42] Unknown:
So, Stella, why don't you give him a chance? Now go ahead. Give him a straight line. He knows all the answers. Alright.
[00:07:48] Unknown:
Have it. What's the difference between? Between what? Simple little fool, like, what's the difference between?
[00:07:57] Unknown:
So you're a wise guy, the seller. I'll bet you $10 you're not here. You got a bet. Put up the money. Alright. Now you're not in Cleveland, are you? No. But I got an answer from here. You you're not in Chicago, are you? No. Well, if you're not in Cleveland and you're not in Chicago, then then you'd have to be someplace else. That's right. Well, if you're someplace else, you can't be here. I win the $10. Thank you.
[00:08:23] Unknown:
Hey. That's a good one. That's pretty good. Susan, does Abbott know anything about this? No. Mhmm. Here's where I get my $10 back and send one of these signs. Hey, Abbott. Come on over here a minute. What do you want, Lou? Abbott, I'll bet you $20. I'm not here. I'm not here. I'm right I'm looking right at you. Go ahead, is it somebody? Alright. There you are. Now watch this. Havoc, I'm not in Cleveland, are I? No. I'm not in Chicago, am I? No. But if I'm not in Cleveland and I'm not in Chicago, then I must be somewhere else. That's right. Right? Right. What about the subway's house? Can I get it here? Let's try. Right? Thank you. I'll take you $20. Just a minute.
Oh, hold on there. You just said you were someplace else, and you weren't here, didn't you? Yes. And you're supposed to give me the $20. How can I give you the $20 if you're not here? Well, how do I get the money? Tell me where you are, and I'll mail it to you.
[00:09:26] Unknown:
You know, Susan, you got me into this. Make Abbot give me back, like, $20. Alright. I'll make him give it back on one condition. You give me a riddle that I can't answer.
[00:09:36] Unknown:
Okay. What is it that has eight legs? 12 feet long, wears glasses, flies backwards, carries a bottle of text in one hand, and carries a baseball bat in the left hand. And that's $3,376. What is it? Well, I'm just having given back the $20. Alright. Here's the money, Catello. Now what's the ad? Yes, sir. I had a tough enough time making up the riddle. That was one of my father's jokes. What are you? What are your mother's? That's it, Abbot. I'm through with that, Susan Miller. I'm through with those girls. Telegram for Lou Costello. Telegram for Lou Costello. I'm Lou Costello. You're Lou Costello? Yeah. The famous movie actor? That's me. The great comedian that's on the air every Wednesday night? That's me.
Well, what are they raving about? Give me the telegram. Mister Costello, would you give me your autograph? You're the same guy. I've been getting my autographs all year. You've got five of my autographs now. Yeah. And when I get sick of yours, I can pay them for one of the biggest footprint. Yeah. What a nice footprint. Never mind him. Who's the telegram from? Hey. Look at this. It's from that famous Hollywood Columnist, First in Johnson. Get older. I have chosen you from all my dearest friends to help me dig up some dirt. I will be over to see you this evening. Hey, Abbot. I better get busy. This is my opportunity. I'll be famous as a newspaperman. What are you talking about? Erskine Johnson wants me to help him dig up some dirt, and he's coming over here tonight. That doesn't give me much time. Please think of it, Abbot. We're gonna have Erskine, the famous Thomas, right here in the studio. Hey. Here I am, comrade. Hello, Blaker. Let's take The United States and tear it up into little bitty pieces. A piece for you, a piece for me, a piece for you, and you, and you. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. You're not Erskine Johnson, like Columbus. Columbus. I thought you said communist. Abbott, just let's try out again.
Oh, boy, Abbott. I'm so happy now. I'm a real newspaper man. I'm gonna help Erskine Johnson dig up the dirt. Cut, Stella. Erskine Johnson's got him. It's it's all about Hollywood. Now to help him, you'll have to interview people. Get around them. And how, how would you get around Van Johnson? By flattery. Good. Now how would you get around, Jimmy Stewart? By sincerity. That's fine. And how would you get around, Sydney Greenstreet? By bus. By so you you got to have inside information. If you're going to be of any help, there's conjoined them. Well, I got all the inside stuff to happen. For instance, I happen to know that Chicago fire was started by a horse. Now that's ridiculous. Everyone knows the Chicago fire was started by a cow. That's what you think. This horse had things on the paper and he kept his name out of it.
Douglas, you'll have to get a lot of you'll have to go to a lot of parties and and keep track of who's there, Lou. I went to a party last night. There was one guy there who tried to kiss all the girls. He tried to kiss every girl in a place at 02:00 in the morning. They finally threw him out. Was the party better after that? I don't know. I couldn't get back in. Now it's one good thing about being a cosplayer. When you go to a nightclub, you can eat on the cob. Yes. And that's, what did you say, I could eat? On the cob. You eat on the cob. Why can't I eat on the table like anybody else? I eat on the table, but, everything you eat is on the cup. Just a second. Suppose I have fried eggs, baked beans, succotash, and a piece of apple pie. Does all that stuff go on the cup? Certainly. What a slob I turned out to be.
There I sit dragging my sleeves through the mashed potatoes. Uh-huh. That's all. Eating on the cup is just a part of a column of scrape. How do you like that? Now he's splashing gravy on my cup. That's how when a columnist goes in the nightclub, he eats on the cup. That's gravy. He doesn't have to pay for it. Well, all he has is cups and gravy. He shouldn't pay for it. Forget about that. Before before they invite you to eat off the cuff, they will probably ask you to have a drink on the house. Well, that's different. I mean, after all What did you say again? I said they'll ask you to have a drink on the house. Yeah. But if I gotta climb up on a house, they're gonna drink the heckling.
And when I say you eat on the cup, the cup you eat on is not like the cup you have on your cup. And when you drink on the house, you don't really drink on the house. The house gives you the drink, so that makes it a drink on the house. Oh, you mean when I eat on a cup? The cup I eat on is not like the cup I have under my cup. And when I think on the house, I really don't think on the house. The house just see the drink, so so that makes the drink on the house. Are you good? If I got it, I caught it from you. Now you you better get out and scare up the news. Erskine Johnson is coming right over here tonight, and he said in his wire he wanted you to dig up some dirt. On my first column, I'm gonna get Johnson to put in a big picture of Dean Russell. Well, do you think that will help Erskine's, circulation? No. But it should do a lot of good for mine.
And, Joe, you still don't have any exclusive item. Now I've got a a tip that the famous green couple, Ronald, Flashback and his wife, Millicent are separated. Come on. Let's go over to their house. Come on. My they have a lovely house here, Gisela. Look at the gorgeous flowers. I'd say they're Willowy. They look more like Polygornian geranium. Polygornian geranium. How do you spell that? They're lilies. Okay. Go ahead and ring the bell. Now I know what happened to that Lucky Strike commercial. Good evening, gentlemen. Oh, good evening, missus Flashback. I'm Bud Abbott, and this is Luca Della. He works for Austin Johnson, and we're here to interview and your husband. I'm nice. Won't you come in? Thank you. Lovely place to have you here. We noticed a lily's coming up the front walk. I beg lily's coming up the front walk again. I'll tell them to use the back door. This is flashback.
[00:15:52] Unknown:
Let's get on with the interview. Now where did you first meet your husband? I met him at a vet. He was a perfect gentleman. The vet was crowded when he got up and gave me his seat. Then the vet was trash. What happened? He was the best driver. You mean the classic movie star Ronald flashback with a bus driver? Oh, yes. It hasn't been easy for us. Before Ronald got his big break in the movies, I had a work as a waste in the driving. It was terrible. In five years, I didn't wait on a single car. Why?
[00:16:21] Unknown:
That was before automobiles were invented. I know how it is, mister Flashback. When my uncle Mike and Aunt May came out here, things were so tough. He had to hock his butt. Then there was nothing left to hock. He hocked my aunt May. Yeah. For three years, he worked to save his money. He went back to that hot shop. There was my aunt May sitting in the window. He went into that hot shop. And he took out aunt May? No. He took out his watch. This is a flashback. The seller's interested in the rumor that you and Ronald are going to separate. I, I heard you slapped his face in a nightclub. Classic. Classic. Classic. Nothing but Hollywood gossip. Nothing could be favored for this truth. Then you didn't slap his face in a nightclub. Of course not. I hit him on the head with a champagne bottle. Oh, of course not. I hit him on the head with a champagne bottle. You see, Ed, it's just a family squabble. Aunt May often while it's Uncle Mike, but they always packed it up. With Hudson Kids, is it? No. With sand daze in the hair comb.
[00:17:14] Unknown:
Oh, here comes Ronald Knapp. Knapp, you want this, Kristel. And you see how wrong that rumor was. Ronald.
[00:17:21] Unknown:
Loveboat. Dreamboat. Angelboat. Handbag. Steamboat. All for all for you, Paul. I had that seller. Oh, my darling. My sweet darling. Without you, I'm lost. I need you. Well, without you, I'm lost. We need each other. I'm lost without you. I'm lost without you. Oh, go ahead. Go ahead, Justin. I'm lost too. I can't find my place. I have Thank you. Here it is. What these two need is a road map. I should have stayed lost. Son, I love you, and I'll put that on the record. And I love you and I'll put that on the record. Not a patroller here you, you won't. Missus Fliesbeck, I'm convinced that you are you two are not separating. Reposterous. My wife is the only woman in the world that means anything to me. Then, that blonde you are holding hands with at Ciro means nothing? Nothing. So you were out with the blonde, and you're calling you at the studio looking over some lines. He was looking over some lines alright, but they weren't at the studio.
Why you no good two times. He's here our Darling darling put down that vase. It's worth $5,000. I'll take 10 pissworth. You rat. You rat. Just think I've been married to you all these years. Please, innocent. This fat snob headedness said that Mitford is a liar. I walk him to the blonde. I swear to him. Would you take him out? Certainly. If I was out in the blonde, a distilling falls down and hit me on the head. Well, Costello, we sure got an exclusive divorce story for Erskine Johnson's collection. Hey, Evan. It's Erskine Johnson. Hello, boys. Did you get hey. Did you get my wire to sell them? I'll say. And I got stuff for you, Ocean. Hey, do you know that Universal International is making a picture about the beautiful sunshine in California weather? Really? Where are they shooting it? In Phoenix, Arizona.
That's silly. I don't know about it. Hello Lamar. But look, boys. I came here to Okay. Last night, I was out with Eddie Lamar, and I whisked it in the rear. And you know what she said to me? No. How did you get? What's your cello? I came here to ask Hi, Steve. Seymour. That's still just thrilled to death to be helping you. Could you give him some pointers on being Italian? Well, it takes a lot of perseverance. For example, you wanna interview Olivia de Havilland. You've got to park yourself on her doorstep. Then the only way she can get in is to walk over you. That'll make you a column. That would make me a doormat.
Say, Arskin, did you see our new picture of the new tank high? Sure. I saw that a seat preview and a Zoosen, it was a howling success. It was? Sure. Everybody was Halloween for their money back. That's a good one. That's a good one. Erskine, when do I start working on your column? You're working on my column. What what are you talking about? Can you send me a telegram telling me that you wanted me to help you dig up some dirt? Oh, sure, Lou. You see, I'm building a swimming pool in my backyard, and I thought if you weren't doing anything Saturday, you might come over and help him dig up some dirt. Me? Me? You expect me to dig dirt in your backyard?
You want me to be a common shoveler? Well, I thought Oskar. Oskar, Justin. I leave you with swords. What's the word? Jimmy Chipper. Oh, no.
Hello. It is Ryan, and I was on a flight the other day playing one of my favorite social spin slot games on chumbacasino.com. I looked over the person sitting next to me, and you know what they were doing? They were also playing Chumba casino. Coincidence? I think not. Everybody's loving having fun with it. Chumba Casino is home to hundreds of casino style games that you can play for free anytime, anywhere, even at 30,000 feet. So sign up now at chumbacasino.com to claim your free welcome bonus at chumba casino dot com and live the Chumba life. No purchase necessary. Hello. It is Ryan, and we could all use an extra bright spot in our day, couldn't we? Just to make up for things like sitting in traffic, doing the dishes, counting your steps, you know, all the mundane stuff. That is why I'm such a big fan of Chumba Casino. Chumba Casino has all your favorite social casino style games that you can play for free anytime, anywhere with daily bonuses.
That should brighten your day low. Actually, a lot. So sign up now at Chumbacasino.com. That's ChumbaCasino.com. No purchase necessary. DTE delivered. Avoid
[00:01:04] Unknown:
prohibited by law. See terms and conditions 18 plus. Alright, Costello. I hear uncle Mike is raising ducks now on his ranch. Oh, yes. He's got a lot of them. What chance have I got of having a duck egg? Not much unless you're a duck. Well, thinking about your relatives. Did you play gels with Susan Miller yesterday? Oh, yes. And she knows how to use a meshy and a putter. That's good. How does she use the wood? I don't know. We just play gels. Hey. What's the matter with your foot? I hit my big toe with a mid iron. What I did midday too.
What are you doing for us? Flipping. Flimp. Look at your face. How did you get a suit dirty? It's covered with grease. All I did was follow the instructions when I changed the oil in Susan's car. Well, how did you get your face so weird? Well, it says when changing oil, old oil in your car, be sure and let it drain in your pants. If I was Susan Miller, I wouldn't be seen with you. You are the biggest idiot I ever met. You're just saying that because you don't get around much. I and, hopefully, I don't care if you got it. Susan loves me. She's my Abba Abba girl. Abba Abba. Yes. That's hover hover spelled backwards.
Susan's got it coming and going. Now wait, Costello. Relax and listen a minute. My hello? Hello, Adam? Hello, Adam? Hello, Adam? Hello, Adam? Hello, Adam? Hello, Adam? Hello, Adam? Can you get over here? Have him. I'll be there before anybody's to take Jack Robinson. Here I am. Did anybody see it? Never mind. What's the idea of running out in the middle of the show and taking a driver's test? Well, you have to have it. You've gotta watch these California traffic wars. Last week, I got arrested for walking in my sleep. How could they arrest you for walking in your sleep? I don't wear any pajamas. Never mind.
Do you dream while you're sleeping, when you're walking in your sleep room? Oh, yes. Last night I dreamed I was walking through a park with Eddie Lamar. We sat down on a bench. I put my arms around her. She put her arms around me. I lifted a face to mine and kissed it. And then? Then I looked into her lovely eyes and said, Eddie, what about going steady? And what did she say? She said, put yourself, big boy. It's your dream. Good evening, gentlemen. I'm the star salesman for Hemi Wallace's new book, 60,000,000 jobs. Well, what can I do for you? Could you tell me where I could find employment? That kind of stuff you folks is middle initial is p. What is the p stand for? Restriction.
First time his old man saw him, he took a powder. Yeah. Just jealous of Godzilla because he has talent. Come out here, Norman. What do you want, mister Butt? I wanna show Costello how talented you are. Recite that poem you wrote last night by yourself. Okay, Uncle Bud. Go ahead. Oh, this is for the people who like seafood. January is a month with an r in it, and so are the months that follow it. If you've been holding an oyster in your mouth all winter, now is the time to swallow it. Ah, it's part of that boy, Costello. He's going places. And as soon as I can find a new straight man, you're going with him.
Never mind that. How about paying me back to the $14 you owe me? I can account for every cent of care. I'll figure it out on the blackboard. Now let me see. I spent $8 and that means 6. Now 8 goes in this 6. 8 goes into 6. Wait a minute, 8 won't go into 6. There's no use of forcing it. Suppose we start over and carry two. Carry two. Yes, let's put the word. You carry one and I'll carry one. Now my one equals x and your one equals o. Now I put down an x then an o then an x then an o then another x then an o. Wait a minute. What are you doing? Hey. How do you like that? I just beat myself playing a tic tac toe. Hello, boy. Well, it's Susan Miller.
[00:05:38] Unknown:
Oh, hello, Susan. You know I've been trying to get you on the phone? I don't think you tried to get me at all. In fact, I've been telephoning your house all week. Monday night, I called your house, and somebody said you were taking a bath. Monday night? Yes. Brother, did you have the wrong number?
[00:05:53] Unknown:
Don't pay any attention to Costellas's. Why don't you and I step out tonight? We'll go to some little quiet spot. You'll find that I'm very romantic with candlelight and a glass of wine. You wouldn't be romantic with a flash light and a barrel of beer. Come out with me, Susan, if you really wanna live. I'll kiss you until the cows come home. With you around, Costello, it's going to be hard to tell when the cows arrive.
[00:06:19] Unknown:
That was a good one, bud.
[00:06:21] Unknown:
I wonder whatever happened to Pinky Lee. Abbot, I'm supposed to get the last just hitting below the belt. Well, Costello, that's where most of you is. Susan, tell you, you ain't stopped tonight. It's alright, Abbot. Go ahead. You and Susan tell the funny stuff. I'll set fire to these old rubber boots. Costello, won't that smell up the studio? Yes. But nobody will notice it while you two are on. Remember, Costello. I must I'm the guy that makes you funny. I can tell jokes better than you. Attaboy, but go ahead and tell him. Alright, Cartella. I'll tell you I've got a goat at, my home that hasn't any nose. And you say, how does he smell? And I yell upon the end. Now come on. Okay. Put the okay. And that's all you had to think it was. Okay. Okay. Go ahead. Hello, Costello.
I've got a goat over at my house. He hasn't any nose. Is that all? I no. No. No. No. Not is that so? You're supposed to say to me, how does the goat smell? I'll try it again. Catella, I've got a goat at my house, and he hasn't any nose.
[00:07:30] Unknown:
Well, Catella, ask him how it smells.
[00:07:32] Unknown:
I don't have to. I've been to his house.
[00:07:42] Unknown:
So, Stella, why don't you give him a chance? Now go ahead. Give him a straight line. He knows all the answers. Alright.
[00:07:48] Unknown:
Have it. What's the difference between? Between what? Simple little fool, like, what's the difference between?
[00:07:57] Unknown:
So you're a wise guy, the seller. I'll bet you $10 you're not here. You got a bet. Put up the money. Alright. Now you're not in Cleveland, are you? No. But I got an answer from here. You you're not in Chicago, are you? No. Well, if you're not in Cleveland and you're not in Chicago, then then you'd have to be someplace else. That's right. Well, if you're someplace else, you can't be here. I win the $10. Thank you.
[00:08:23] Unknown:
Hey. That's a good one. That's pretty good. Susan, does Abbott know anything about this? No. Mhmm. Here's where I get my $10 back and send one of these signs. Hey, Abbott. Come on over here a minute. What do you want, Lou? Abbott, I'll bet you $20. I'm not here. I'm not here. I'm right I'm looking right at you. Go ahead, is it somebody? Alright. There you are. Now watch this. Havoc, I'm not in Cleveland, are I? No. I'm not in Chicago, am I? No. But if I'm not in Cleveland and I'm not in Chicago, then I must be somewhere else. That's right. Right? Right. What about the subway's house? Can I get it here? Let's try. Right? Thank you. I'll take you $20. Just a minute.
Oh, hold on there. You just said you were someplace else, and you weren't here, didn't you? Yes. And you're supposed to give me the $20. How can I give you the $20 if you're not here? Well, how do I get the money? Tell me where you are, and I'll mail it to you.
[00:09:26] Unknown:
You know, Susan, you got me into this. Make Abbot give me back, like, $20. Alright. I'll make him give it back on one condition. You give me a riddle that I can't answer.
[00:09:36] Unknown:
Okay. What is it that has eight legs? 12 feet long, wears glasses, flies backwards, carries a bottle of text in one hand, and carries a baseball bat in the left hand. And that's $3,376. What is it? Well, I'm just having given back the $20. Alright. Here's the money, Catello. Now what's the ad? Yes, sir. I had a tough enough time making up the riddle. That was one of my father's jokes. What are you? What are your mother's? That's it, Abbot. I'm through with that, Susan Miller. I'm through with those girls. Telegram for Lou Costello. Telegram for Lou Costello. I'm Lou Costello. You're Lou Costello? Yeah. The famous movie actor? That's me. The great comedian that's on the air every Wednesday night? That's me.
Well, what are they raving about? Give me the telegram. Mister Costello, would you give me your autograph? You're the same guy. I've been getting my autographs all year. You've got five of my autographs now. Yeah. And when I get sick of yours, I can pay them for one of the biggest footprint. Yeah. What a nice footprint. Never mind him. Who's the telegram from? Hey. Look at this. It's from that famous Hollywood Columnist, First in Johnson. Get older. I have chosen you from all my dearest friends to help me dig up some dirt. I will be over to see you this evening. Hey, Abbot. I better get busy. This is my opportunity. I'll be famous as a newspaperman. What are you talking about? Erskine Johnson wants me to help him dig up some dirt, and he's coming over here tonight. That doesn't give me much time. Please think of it, Abbot. We're gonna have Erskine, the famous Thomas, right here in the studio. Hey. Here I am, comrade. Hello, Blaker. Let's take The United States and tear it up into little bitty pieces. A piece for you, a piece for me, a piece for you, and you, and you. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. You're not Erskine Johnson, like Columbus. Columbus. I thought you said communist. Abbott, just let's try out again.
Oh, boy, Abbott. I'm so happy now. I'm a real newspaper man. I'm gonna help Erskine Johnson dig up the dirt. Cut, Stella. Erskine Johnson's got him. It's it's all about Hollywood. Now to help him, you'll have to interview people. Get around them. And how, how would you get around Van Johnson? By flattery. Good. Now how would you get around, Jimmy Stewart? By sincerity. That's fine. And how would you get around, Sydney Greenstreet? By bus. By so you you got to have inside information. If you're going to be of any help, there's conjoined them. Well, I got all the inside stuff to happen. For instance, I happen to know that Chicago fire was started by a horse. Now that's ridiculous. Everyone knows the Chicago fire was started by a cow. That's what you think. This horse had things on the paper and he kept his name out of it.
Douglas, you'll have to get a lot of you'll have to go to a lot of parties and and keep track of who's there, Lou. I went to a party last night. There was one guy there who tried to kiss all the girls. He tried to kiss every girl in a place at 02:00 in the morning. They finally threw him out. Was the party better after that? I don't know. I couldn't get back in. Now it's one good thing about being a cosplayer. When you go to a nightclub, you can eat on the cob. Yes. And that's, what did you say, I could eat? On the cob. You eat on the cob. Why can't I eat on the table like anybody else? I eat on the table, but, everything you eat is on the cup. Just a second. Suppose I have fried eggs, baked beans, succotash, and a piece of apple pie. Does all that stuff go on the cup? Certainly. What a slob I turned out to be.
There I sit dragging my sleeves through the mashed potatoes. Uh-huh. That's all. Eating on the cup is just a part of a column of scrape. How do you like that? Now he's splashing gravy on my cup. That's how when a columnist goes in the nightclub, he eats on the cup. That's gravy. He doesn't have to pay for it. Well, all he has is cups and gravy. He shouldn't pay for it. Forget about that. Before before they invite you to eat off the cuff, they will probably ask you to have a drink on the house. Well, that's different. I mean, after all What did you say again? I said they'll ask you to have a drink on the house. Yeah. But if I gotta climb up on a house, they're gonna drink the heckling.
And when I say you eat on the cup, the cup you eat on is not like the cup you have on your cup. And when you drink on the house, you don't really drink on the house. The house gives you the drink, so that makes it a drink on the house. Oh, you mean when I eat on a cup? The cup I eat on is not like the cup I have under my cup. And when I think on the house, I really don't think on the house. The house just see the drink, so so that makes the drink on the house. Are you good? If I got it, I caught it from you. Now you you better get out and scare up the news. Erskine Johnson is coming right over here tonight, and he said in his wire he wanted you to dig up some dirt. On my first column, I'm gonna get Johnson to put in a big picture of Dean Russell. Well, do you think that will help Erskine's, circulation? No. But it should do a lot of good for mine.
And, Joe, you still don't have any exclusive item. Now I've got a a tip that the famous green couple, Ronald, Flashback and his wife, Millicent are separated. Come on. Let's go over to their house. Come on. My they have a lovely house here, Gisela. Look at the gorgeous flowers. I'd say they're Willowy. They look more like Polygornian geranium. Polygornian geranium. How do you spell that? They're lilies. Okay. Go ahead and ring the bell. Now I know what happened to that Lucky Strike commercial. Good evening, gentlemen. Oh, good evening, missus Flashback. I'm Bud Abbott, and this is Luca Della. He works for Austin Johnson, and we're here to interview and your husband. I'm nice. Won't you come in? Thank you. Lovely place to have you here. We noticed a lily's coming up the front walk. I beg lily's coming up the front walk again. I'll tell them to use the back door. This is flashback.
[00:15:52] Unknown:
Let's get on with the interview. Now where did you first meet your husband? I met him at a vet. He was a perfect gentleman. The vet was crowded when he got up and gave me his seat. Then the vet was trash. What happened? He was the best driver. You mean the classic movie star Ronald flashback with a bus driver? Oh, yes. It hasn't been easy for us. Before Ronald got his big break in the movies, I had a work as a waste in the driving. It was terrible. In five years, I didn't wait on a single car. Why?
[00:16:21] Unknown:
That was before automobiles were invented. I know how it is, mister Flashback. When my uncle Mike and Aunt May came out here, things were so tough. He had to hock his butt. Then there was nothing left to hock. He hocked my aunt May. Yeah. For three years, he worked to save his money. He went back to that hot shop. There was my aunt May sitting in the window. He went into that hot shop. And he took out aunt May? No. He took out his watch. This is a flashback. The seller's interested in the rumor that you and Ronald are going to separate. I, I heard you slapped his face in a nightclub. Classic. Classic. Classic. Nothing but Hollywood gossip. Nothing could be favored for this truth. Then you didn't slap his face in a nightclub. Of course not. I hit him on the head with a champagne bottle. Oh, of course not. I hit him on the head with a champagne bottle. You see, Ed, it's just a family squabble. Aunt May often while it's Uncle Mike, but they always packed it up. With Hudson Kids, is it? No. With sand daze in the hair comb.
[00:17:14] Unknown:
Oh, here comes Ronald Knapp. Knapp, you want this, Kristel. And you see how wrong that rumor was. Ronald.
[00:17:21] Unknown:
Loveboat. Dreamboat. Angelboat. Handbag. Steamboat. All for all for you, Paul. I had that seller. Oh, my darling. My sweet darling. Without you, I'm lost. I need you. Well, without you, I'm lost. We need each other. I'm lost without you. I'm lost without you. Oh, go ahead. Go ahead, Justin. I'm lost too. I can't find my place. I have Thank you. Here it is. What these two need is a road map. I should have stayed lost. Son, I love you, and I'll put that on the record. And I love you and I'll put that on the record. Not a patroller here you, you won't. Missus Fliesbeck, I'm convinced that you are you two are not separating. Reposterous. My wife is the only woman in the world that means anything to me. Then, that blonde you are holding hands with at Ciro means nothing? Nothing. So you were out with the blonde, and you're calling you at the studio looking over some lines. He was looking over some lines alright, but they weren't at the studio.
Why you no good two times. He's here our Darling darling put down that vase. It's worth $5,000. I'll take 10 pissworth. You rat. You rat. Just think I've been married to you all these years. Please, innocent. This fat snob headedness said that Mitford is a liar. I walk him to the blonde. I swear to him. Would you take him out? Certainly. If I was out in the blonde, a distilling falls down and hit me on the head. Well, Costello, we sure got an exclusive divorce story for Erskine Johnson's collection. Hey, Evan. It's Erskine Johnson. Hello, boys. Did you get hey. Did you get my wire to sell them? I'll say. And I got stuff for you, Ocean. Hey, do you know that Universal International is making a picture about the beautiful sunshine in California weather? Really? Where are they shooting it? In Phoenix, Arizona.
That's silly. I don't know about it. Hello Lamar. But look, boys. I came here to Okay. Last night, I was out with Eddie Lamar, and I whisked it in the rear. And you know what she said to me? No. How did you get? What's your cello? I came here to ask Hi, Steve. Seymour. That's still just thrilled to death to be helping you. Could you give him some pointers on being Italian? Well, it takes a lot of perseverance. For example, you wanna interview Olivia de Havilland. You've got to park yourself on her doorstep. Then the only way she can get in is to walk over you. That'll make you a column. That would make me a doormat.
Say, Arskin, did you see our new picture of the new tank high? Sure. I saw that a seat preview and a Zoosen, it was a howling success. It was? Sure. Everybody was Halloween for their money back. That's a good one. That's a good one. Erskine, when do I start working on your column? You're working on my column. What what are you talking about? Can you send me a telegram telling me that you wanted me to help you dig up some dirt? Oh, sure, Lou. You see, I'm building a swimming pool in my backyard, and I thought if you weren't doing anything Saturday, you might come over and help him dig up some dirt. Me? Me? You expect me to dig dirt in your backyard?
You want me to be a common shoveler? Well, I thought Oskar. Oskar, Justin. I leave you with swords. What's the word? Jimmy Chipper. Oh, no.
