In this lively episode, Ryan shares his love for fun and introduces listeners to Chumba Casino, a platform offering a variety of social casino-style games. The conversation takes a humorous turn with a series of comedic sketches featuring characters like Chester and Abbott, who engage in witty banter about relationships, politics, and artistic pursuits. The episode is filled with laugh-out-loud moments as the characters navigate through their quirky adventures, from proposing to a lady wrestler to painting a model in a bathing suit.
The episode also features a segment where audience participation is encouraged, leading to hilarious interactions with guests like Harry Brown, a self-proclaimed pickpocket, and Magnolia Randall, a charming Southern belle. The comedic timing and absurd scenarios keep the energy high, making for an entertaining listen. The show concludes with a chaotic but amusing stunt involving bricks and a police officer, leaving listeners with a smile and a sense of anticipation for the next episode.
(00:01) Introduction and Casino Fun
(01:01) Comedy Sketch: Chester's Black Eye
(03:31) Fishing and Painting Antics
(07:03) Susan Miller's Musical Interlude
(11:00) Radio Show Ideas and Audience Participation
(14:08) Benny Rubin's Appearance and Comedy
(17:00) Audience Stunts and Hilarious Outcomes
Listen to our radio station Old Time Radio https://link.radioking.com/otradio
Listen to other Shows at My Classic Radio https://www.myclassicradio.net/
Entertainment Radio | Broadcasting Classic Radio Shows | Patreon
Remember that times have changed, and some shows might not reflect the standards of today’s politically correct society. The shows do not necessarily reflect the views, standards, or beliefs of Entertainment Radio
[00:00:00]
Unknown:
Hey, guys. It is Ryan. I'm not sure if you know this about me, but I'm a bit of a fun fanatic when I can. I like to work, but I like fun too. It's a thing. And now the truth is out there. I can tell you about my favorite place to have fun, Chumba Casino. Casino. They have hundreds of social casino style games to choose from with new games released each week. You can play for free anytime, anywhere, and each day brings a new chance to collect daily bonuses. So join me in the fun. Sign up now at chumbacasino.com.
[00:00:28] Unknown:
No purchase necessary. VWO. Point prohibited by law. See terms and conditions 18 plus. With Lucky Lancelot, you can get lucky just about anywhere. Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to has anyone seen the bride and groom? Sorry. Sorry. We're here. We were getting lucky in the limo and we lost track of time.
[00:00:44] Unknown:
No. Lucky Lane Casino with cash prizes that add up quicker than a guest registry.
[00:00:49] Unknown:
In that case, I pronounce you lucky.
[00:00:52] Unknown:
Play for free at luckylandslots.com. Daily bonuses are waiting. No purchase necessary. Void where prohibited by law. 18 plus. Terms and conditions apply. See website for details.
[00:01:01] Unknown:
Alright, Chester. Alright. Alright. Stop the yelling. Say, where did you get that black eye? Girl. What happened? I popped the question and she popped me back. Why did she pop you back? Wrong question. I because, well, you gotta have more backbone with a girl. When you're with a girl, assert yourself. What do you mean? Well, just say, look, babe. Either you do what I want you to do or go jump in the lake. I tried that. What happened? Last week, they pulled six girls out of the lake. Now take me for instance. I'm very popular with a girl. Oh, yeah? So remember the girls at the Glendale Laundry? Yes. They voted you the guy that would most like to mangle.
That, that was mingle, not mangle. But remember, Costello, back in Patterson, when the girls got us to join the Patterson Bowling and Necketing Society, yes. We ought to go back there sometime and do a little bowling. Well, I gotta leave you now, Abbot. I'm running for door catcher in Glendale. I've gotta write out a speech. You're running for public office. What do you know about politics? Right back in New Jersey, I ran for state senator once, but my opponent made a wonderful speech and promised every voter $6 $60 a month. And he was elected 3,000 to nothing. 3,000 to nothing? Didn't you even vote for yourself? Heck no. I won it at $60 too. God shut up. Both here in for some real laughs with our zany stars tonight. But before they continue, listen to this.
Well, here we are. Hey, Abbott. What's all that fishing tackle doing in your dressing room? Well, after the program, I'm going fishing in the Los Angeles River. Well, that's silly. If you catch any fish in that river, they'll be too old to eat. What do you mean? There's so little water in the Los Angeles River that the fish is seven years old before they learn to swim. Well, never mind that. I saw you in Hollywood yesterday buying a pallet, paint and brushes. Are you thinking of becoming an artist? I am an artist, haven't. And I've got a beautiful model that comes to my house every day. I'm painting her in a bathing suit, but but she wants to quit. Why? She wants me to put on more clothes. I how long how long has this model been, posing for you? Well, she started yesterday. She came at 09:00. I was painting her until 03:00, and at six, she went home. Wait a minute. If you stop painting her at 03:00, why did she stay until six? Took her three hours for her to get the paint off her skin. I and boy, is she a beautiful girl, Abby. She's six foot five, and last night when she left, I kissed her goodbye. Now wait a minute. How could a little short guy like you kiss a girl six foot five? My brother put me up to it.
You're weirded. You're a painter. I don't think you ever painted in your life. Is that so? Well, here's a picture I drew of a railroad train. You drew this picture of the train? All I see is the engine. Where's the train? The engine. Toss the train. Yeah. Here's another sample of my work. It's a painting of my uncle Mike drinking a bottle of gin. Wait a minute. All I see is an empty bottle. Where's your uncle Mike? How do you like that? He passed out of the picture. Who's your aunt teacher, Lou? I'm studying with Rembrandt. You dope Rembrandt has been dead for two hundred years. I was wondering why he never charged me for any lessons.
Are there any other artists in your family? Well, my uncle Jim Tully is a very unusual painter. He paints men and women. Well, what's unusual about that? Lots of artists paint men and women on doors? Well, look, if you wanna be an artist, Costello, why don't you learn to edge? I was thinking of that. I was could I have that again? I said edge. You should learn to edge. You gotta learn that? Certainly. My little nephew, Tony, that's just all over. He never took a lesson in his life. No. No. No. He had a seven year itch. No. No. He scratched real hard and did it in three. No. No. No.
Well, she can do a lot of good etching in seven years. Oh, sure. Yes. Yes. But this etching is like engraving. You you scratch on a copper plate. I have to scratch on a copper plate? Certainly. Why can't I scratch where it itch? Forget about etching. Have you ever done any commercial painting? Oh, sure. I'm painting a calendar now. Here, take a look at it. Alright. That's a calendar. All I see is an unfinished picture of a beautiful girl. Where are the dates? I'll make those when I know the girl better. You know the pain, Gerald? Why don't you try bathing you? Try that, Abbot. Those beauties won't let you bathe them.
Well, I gotta go now, Evan. I gotta stay with my new girlfriend. She's a lady wrestler. She's in love with her. What makes you think that lady wrestler's in love with you? Last night, she bent me into the shape of a heart. Run for your life. Run for your life. Quick, boy. Run for your life. Wait. What's the matter? Why should we run for our life? I just deliver them to the newsstand and they'll be sold out for a minute. Right. That was Abbott's nephew, folks. Why don't you take him down to the brewery, Abbott, and see if they can't put a head on him? Don. Now don't worry about don't worry about Norman. He's a very talented boy. He's studying, and when he finishes his course, he'll be another common Lamado. Must we have another common Lamado? Lamado? Lamado? Oh, lay off him, Gastel. Remember, this is a free country. Right, Abbott. I always say that a man is entitled to life, liberty, and the pursuit of women. You're right. No. No. No. No.
That pursuit of happiness. You pursue what you like, and I'll pursue what I like. Speaking of for Susan, here is our singing star, for Susan Miller. Hey, Abbott. Who writes your stuff? My writers. They work very hard. They spend twelve hours a day in their office over a typewriter. Why is this script written in pool chalk? Not and that's no way to introduce Susan Miller. Well, how would you introduce her? Haven't. I would give it plenty of class. For instance. Well, here. Listen. Ladies and gentlemen, we are very fortunate in having with us tonight a great singing star, miss Susan Miller. Miss Miller comes here to this program direct from a forty week engagement in New York City on the Astor Loop, where she was laying tar paper. Lady, ladies and gentlemen, this little girl, Susan Miller, is going places. And if I had time, I'd go with her.
For her selection tonight, she will sing that touching ballad. Mother, stay away from that oatmeal salesman or holler, let you have it in the mush. During this number, she will be accompanied by Maddie Malek and his you can have them, I don't want them, they're too flat for me orchestra. During this number, you will hear a featured solo by the band's soloist, Rudolph and his magic pressure cooker. Alright. Just a minute. Pardon me. Hey, Amber. What's his name doing out here? Costello. That's Susan Miller. Oh, yes. Come on, folks. Give her a nice hand.
[00:09:13] Unknown:
Costello, I heard those remarks, and I wanna talk to you. You wanna talk to me with a customer with a pledge? No. Just the way you are will be alright. Now what's the idea of telling people that I laid tar paper on the roof of the Astor Hotel? You didn't? Certainly not. It was the Biltmore Hotel. By the way, Costello, I noticed you were out with another girl last night. Shame on you, Costello.
[00:09:35] Unknown:
You're supposed to be going steady with Susan. You out with another girl? Who was she? I don't know. But she was very classy. I'll tell you. She was. She's the girl that washes cars in the filling station across the street. I wondered why she wore those rubber gloves with her evening gown.
[00:09:50] Unknown:
Well, to tell her, if you're going to go out with other girls, then I'm going to start going out with other men. That's telling him, Susan. You can get plenty of dates. I'll say I can. By just this evening, a handsome stranger walked up to me on the seat and asked me for a date. Gee, Susan. I hope you wouldn't go out with a total stranger. I should say not. I told him off. You did? Yes. I said, sir, how dare you talk to a beautiful single girl that lived alone at 1537 Vine Street on the Second Floor in Apartment 6 and is always home evenings after 09:00.
[00:10:24] Unknown:
You certainly told them off. I thought you were gonna get chummy with them. Susan, you better let me take you home tonight. This is safe for a pretty girl like you to be on the streets alone. Oh, that's ridiculous.
[00:10:35] Unknown:
I carry a revolver in my bag, and I'm an expert pistol shop. I studied jujitsu, and I also carry a dagger, and I'm a pretty good knife thrower. Susan, will you do me a favor? What?
[00:10:45] Unknown:
You take me home. And if you'll promise never to go out with another guy, any other guy but me, I'll get you in picture. How dare you? Are you trying to bribe me? What nerve? What gall?
[00:11:00] Unknown:
What studio? Hey,
[00:11:02] Unknown:
you. One of you. Yes. And you you quit worrying about getting girls in pictures and start worrying about this radio show. Cassello, I've got an idea that would really help this radio show. And what is it? Have Jack Benny on every week. If we had Jack Benny on every week, they wouldn't need me. Catch on fast.
[00:11:20] Unknown:
Come on, Cassell.
[00:11:28] Unknown:
You had a good idea. All comedians need help on the radio. Bob Hope's got Kelowna. Eddie Cana has the mad Russian. Edgar Bergen's got Charlie McCarthy. Then there's Harry James. Harry James isn't a comedian. No. But look what he's got. I you idiot. You're lucky you've got me. Where would you be without me? Where would you be without me? Where would you be without me? Well, we came out even on that one. We can't have a joke after every line. We gotta get some new ideas for this program. Hey. Hey, fellas. I got a I got a new idea. Manny Malek, you keep on it. Your job is to take care of the van. What's the matter with the band? I didn't say anything about the band. I like the band. You've got one of the finest bands in a lower priced field. Quiet, Costello. Manny, what's the idea you have? Why don't you let me do some of my recitation? Like, for instance, hey, diddle, the cat in the fiddle, and the cow jumped over the moon. That's mother goose.
Rub a dub dub. Three men in a tub. What's that? That's unsanitary. Abbott, Malik ain't got no talent. We're wasting time. If you want some new ideas for this program, why don't we put my pal, the drummer on? Now there is a clever fellow. Alright. Bring him up here. Come here, Oliver. So you call me. Yes, Abbot. I want you to meet our drummer, Oliver Storchy. Oliver Storchy. Dude, that's a very odd name. Well, that's only his stage name. What's his real name? Victor Storchy. Well, what is he going to do? Sing? Dance? Are you kidding? This guy is a real novelty. He can drink a five gallon jug of hard cider on one continuous drink without taking the jug away from his lips. All of it. You must be very fond of cider. Yeah. Well, every time I see an apple, I wanna squeeze it. With me, it's a peach. Oh, you can't.
Just a second. Is this cider really hard? Alright. Go ahead, Oliver. Show them. That hard enough, have it? Now go ahead, Oliver. Pull the cord. Okay. I'm ready now. I will drink the five gallons without taking it with one breath. One gallon. Two gallons. Three gallons and not a drop on his chin. This guy is gonna stop himself. Have it? He did it. How do you like that? Boy, this fellow is loaded with talent. He's got a little cider in him too. Oliver, the hell is a great sudden. I'm sure that the radio audience must hear a few words from you. Say something, Oliver. Thank you, Oliver.
Costello, we simply got to dig up some new ideas for this program. I'm I'm not worried about it, Adam. If the radio goes on a blink, I can always go back to my old record. You know, I used to be a sculptor. Sculptor? Yes. I used to make marble toupees for ball headed statues. Good evening, gentlemen. I understand you boys are looking for a new idea for your radio show, and I have just what you need. My name is Benny Rubin. Castello, this is Benny Rubin, the famous Broadway Comedian. What are you doing out here in California, Benny? I came out here for my liver. What was your liver doing out here? Oh, never mind.
Did you have a good trip from New York? Yeah. I came in by plane. Though we nearly had an accident, we ran into a sky rider. My goodness. Did you hurt the sky rider? No. We missed him, but we knocked the h out of honors John. You know, the last time I flew on a plane from New York, there was a fresh guy on a plane annoying the hostess. When the plane landed in Kansas City, they kicked them off. Was the rest of the trip pleasant? I don't know. I took a bus in from Kansas City. Oh, stop this and pay attention. God tell that. Mister Rubin is a great actor. He wasn't he wasn't that picture of the naked city. That's I I saw that picture in Boston, Rubin. I didn't see you in it. In Boston, they made us change the title. They called it the bathrobe city.
By the way, Ruben, I'm quite an actor myself. Did you see my last picture? I hope so. It was a great picture. I'll prove it to you. Did anyone out there in the audience see The Noose Hangs High? I did. And And I wanna say that it was the finest picture that was ever shown in a theater in this country. It was a great picture. It was a grand picture, and your acting was superb. Thank you, sir. Is there anything else you'd like to say? Yeah, Louie. Mom said on the way home to buy some meat. Get out of here. You see that? You're not so popular. You even have to bring your relatives in here for your radio show. That's not so. These people love me. They come in here because they wanna see me. I'll prove it to you. Is there anybody that don't wanna see me yet and wants to go home? I don't.
Anybody else? Oh, stop this nonsense, Costello. Vinny, what would you suggest that we do to build up this radio show? Well, the best way to do it is to let the audience participate in the show. Well, I was thinking that if we What did you say? You should allow the audience to come up on stage and participate. They wouldn't dare. They haven't got the nerve. That's a good idea that Benny has. How would you suggest we, we do this? Know about this? Well, I'll tell you. We'll invite some people up from the audience. We'll get them to do some cute little stunts, and then Costello gives the money and prizes, and everybody will be happy. Now that sounds good, Costello. People like to win things. Oh, yes. I remember. My aunt May was the first person to win prizes at a radio show. She won mink coats, diamond rings, washing machine, sets of dishes, radios, and everything. And then she put all those things in her hook chest. That was thirty years ago. Did you get married? Never married, but that was the start of the May company.
Well, what do you say, boys? How about it? Should we get some people up on the stage and get things coming? Hey. This sounds like fun, Fenny. How about you, sir? Would you come up here? You, sir. Hey. Thank you, sir. Stand right here. Take me now. Now what and what is your name? Harry Brown. And your occupation? I'm a pickpocket. Don't you know it's wrong to take money dishonestly? That's dishonest? Boy, do you what do you do for a living? But let's go over the program. Wait a minute, boys. Let me handle this. Now, when the audience came in tonight, we gave out door prizes. What did you get when you came in the studio tonight? Three wallets, a top coat, and a diamond bracelet. No. No, sir. I didn't mean that. What did you get from our sponsor?
Nothing. I didn't know where he was sitting. I see. Forget the question, and let's get on with the show. Mister Costello will ask you a simple question, and if you don't answer it, mister Costello will think it think up a sound for you to do. Now I want you to answer this question before the bell rings. What country too late you missed? Sit down there for a minute, and I'll think of a stunt for you. And here's our next contestant, this young lady. Now what is your name, miss? Magnolia Randall. Oh, gosh. You're pretty. Are you sure that's your right name, Magnolia Randolph? Yeah. Yeah.
[00:18:59] Unknown:
And I have a gold identification bracelet on my ankle that'll prove it's hid.
[00:19:04] Unknown:
Oh, my gold ankle is gone. That's right, bud. That's her name. Hey. You give her back that bracelet. And have I thought up a stunt for you, mister Brown? Mister Rubin, will you take, mister Rubin, come over here. You take, mister Brown out on Hollywood Boulevard. Out here is a big big basket of bricks. Your stunt will be to break as many store windows as you can and get back here before the program is over. Now in the bottom of the basket, you'll find the bomb. You throw that through the window of the Bank of America. Are we free, devil?
Well, there goes mister Brown with Benny Rubin. Have fun, boys. Have fun. And now let's, let's get back to this young lady. What do you do for a living? Well, I'm a dancing teacher. Oh, that's funny. My aunt Ama is a dancing teacher. She teaches the rumba, but she's not working this week. Why not? She caught a cold on her hips and can't shake it off. Oh, you're the cutest guy. I'll bet you.
[00:20:10] Unknown:
Miss Costello, back home in New Orleans, Dallas, because this is you. I'm a Southern belle. You're a what? I'm a Southern belle.
[00:20:19] Unknown:
Let you and me go out tonight and kick the gun around. Oh, that's a lovely dress you're wearing. Oh, it's not much. That's what I like about it. Brings out your eyes. Mine too. Is that a southern dress? Jonah? Certainly does.
[00:20:44] Unknown:
How do you like Hollywood, miss? Oh, it must be just wonderful to live here in Hollywood among all the big movie stars. Sure is. I live right next door to Betty Grable. That must be wonderful.
[00:20:55] Unknown:
Mhmm. Every morning, Betty Grable sings in the bathtub, and this morning, I sleep right over close to her house. Yes? Brother, can she sing? Enough of this nonsense, Costello. Now, miss, I am going to ask you a question. If you answer it, your stunt will be to kiss Costello. Now how many Kiss me, honey. Wait a minute, Costello. I didn't ask you the question. I know. But why wait till the last minute? Wait a minute. Here is your question. The tomb of, the Egyptian king Tut was built five thousand six hundred and forty two years ago. What was the name of the foreman of the bricklayer?
Very good example. Think hard.
[00:21:40] Unknown:
Day or night shift?
[00:21:44] Unknown:
A night shift.
[00:21:46] Unknown:
Patrick McGonagall?
[00:21:47] Unknown:
No. No. No. Wrong. He was on the day shift. And you have to kiss Costello. Alright. And now for our next convenience. Wait a minute, Abbot. Look, mister mister Brown, the man who's done the man who's done it was to throw the bricks to the winners on Hollywood Boulevard. Hey. Don't forget the bomb in the Bank of America. Better yet fun. Hey. Look. You set a cop with him. Yeah. I caught this fella doing the funniest thing. He he was throwing bricks through all the windows on Hollywood Boulevard. He says he gave a miss Joe. Yes, officer. We did it for a stunt. He couldn't answer the question we gave him. Serves him right.
You should've seen him. He didn't miss breaking one window in thick block. I'd love to have seen it in much of Mega Ryan. It was a panic. How do you think he broke the window in the May Company? How do you think? You're a throwin' left. Yeah. That must have been a funny sight. How how would you happen to see them all? I guess I was just lucky. I I was just in my sport car. Yeah. He threw a brick through the windshield. He hit me in the head. I just did it. Who's that? I thought of it. Because I'm using it now. Oh, my. Yeah.
Take a bite of an amateur. Why? Because you ain't gonna see him for six months.
Hey, guys. It is Ryan. I'm not sure if you know this about me, but I'm a bit of a fun fanatic when I can. I like to work, but I like fun too. It's a thing. And now the truth is out there. I can tell you about my favorite place to have fun, Chumba Casino. Casino. They have hundreds of social casino style games to choose from with new games released each week. You can play for free anytime, anywhere, and each day brings a new chance to collect daily bonuses. So join me in the fun. Sign up now at chumbacasino.com.
[00:00:28] Unknown:
No purchase necessary. VWO. Point prohibited by law. See terms and conditions 18 plus. With Lucky Lancelot, you can get lucky just about anywhere. Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to has anyone seen the bride and groom? Sorry. Sorry. We're here. We were getting lucky in the limo and we lost track of time.
[00:00:44] Unknown:
No. Lucky Lane Casino with cash prizes that add up quicker than a guest registry.
[00:00:49] Unknown:
In that case, I pronounce you lucky.
[00:00:52] Unknown:
Play for free at luckylandslots.com. Daily bonuses are waiting. No purchase necessary. Void where prohibited by law. 18 plus. Terms and conditions apply. See website for details.
[00:01:01] Unknown:
Alright, Chester. Alright. Alright. Stop the yelling. Say, where did you get that black eye? Girl. What happened? I popped the question and she popped me back. Why did she pop you back? Wrong question. I because, well, you gotta have more backbone with a girl. When you're with a girl, assert yourself. What do you mean? Well, just say, look, babe. Either you do what I want you to do or go jump in the lake. I tried that. What happened? Last week, they pulled six girls out of the lake. Now take me for instance. I'm very popular with a girl. Oh, yeah? So remember the girls at the Glendale Laundry? Yes. They voted you the guy that would most like to mangle.
That, that was mingle, not mangle. But remember, Costello, back in Patterson, when the girls got us to join the Patterson Bowling and Necketing Society, yes. We ought to go back there sometime and do a little bowling. Well, I gotta leave you now, Abbot. I'm running for door catcher in Glendale. I've gotta write out a speech. You're running for public office. What do you know about politics? Right back in New Jersey, I ran for state senator once, but my opponent made a wonderful speech and promised every voter $6 $60 a month. And he was elected 3,000 to nothing. 3,000 to nothing? Didn't you even vote for yourself? Heck no. I won it at $60 too. God shut up. Both here in for some real laughs with our zany stars tonight. But before they continue, listen to this.
Well, here we are. Hey, Abbott. What's all that fishing tackle doing in your dressing room? Well, after the program, I'm going fishing in the Los Angeles River. Well, that's silly. If you catch any fish in that river, they'll be too old to eat. What do you mean? There's so little water in the Los Angeles River that the fish is seven years old before they learn to swim. Well, never mind that. I saw you in Hollywood yesterday buying a pallet, paint and brushes. Are you thinking of becoming an artist? I am an artist, haven't. And I've got a beautiful model that comes to my house every day. I'm painting her in a bathing suit, but but she wants to quit. Why? She wants me to put on more clothes. I how long how long has this model been, posing for you? Well, she started yesterday. She came at 09:00. I was painting her until 03:00, and at six, she went home. Wait a minute. If you stop painting her at 03:00, why did she stay until six? Took her three hours for her to get the paint off her skin. I and boy, is she a beautiful girl, Abby. She's six foot five, and last night when she left, I kissed her goodbye. Now wait a minute. How could a little short guy like you kiss a girl six foot five? My brother put me up to it.
You're weirded. You're a painter. I don't think you ever painted in your life. Is that so? Well, here's a picture I drew of a railroad train. You drew this picture of the train? All I see is the engine. Where's the train? The engine. Toss the train. Yeah. Here's another sample of my work. It's a painting of my uncle Mike drinking a bottle of gin. Wait a minute. All I see is an empty bottle. Where's your uncle Mike? How do you like that? He passed out of the picture. Who's your aunt teacher, Lou? I'm studying with Rembrandt. You dope Rembrandt has been dead for two hundred years. I was wondering why he never charged me for any lessons.
Are there any other artists in your family? Well, my uncle Jim Tully is a very unusual painter. He paints men and women. Well, what's unusual about that? Lots of artists paint men and women on doors? Well, look, if you wanna be an artist, Costello, why don't you learn to edge? I was thinking of that. I was could I have that again? I said edge. You should learn to edge. You gotta learn that? Certainly. My little nephew, Tony, that's just all over. He never took a lesson in his life. No. No. No. He had a seven year itch. No. No. He scratched real hard and did it in three. No. No. No.
Well, she can do a lot of good etching in seven years. Oh, sure. Yes. Yes. But this etching is like engraving. You you scratch on a copper plate. I have to scratch on a copper plate? Certainly. Why can't I scratch where it itch? Forget about etching. Have you ever done any commercial painting? Oh, sure. I'm painting a calendar now. Here, take a look at it. Alright. That's a calendar. All I see is an unfinished picture of a beautiful girl. Where are the dates? I'll make those when I know the girl better. You know the pain, Gerald? Why don't you try bathing you? Try that, Abbot. Those beauties won't let you bathe them.
Well, I gotta go now, Evan. I gotta stay with my new girlfriend. She's a lady wrestler. She's in love with her. What makes you think that lady wrestler's in love with you? Last night, she bent me into the shape of a heart. Run for your life. Run for your life. Quick, boy. Run for your life. Wait. What's the matter? Why should we run for our life? I just deliver them to the newsstand and they'll be sold out for a minute. Right. That was Abbott's nephew, folks. Why don't you take him down to the brewery, Abbott, and see if they can't put a head on him? Don. Now don't worry about don't worry about Norman. He's a very talented boy. He's studying, and when he finishes his course, he'll be another common Lamado. Must we have another common Lamado? Lamado? Lamado? Oh, lay off him, Gastel. Remember, this is a free country. Right, Abbott. I always say that a man is entitled to life, liberty, and the pursuit of women. You're right. No. No. No. No.
That pursuit of happiness. You pursue what you like, and I'll pursue what I like. Speaking of for Susan, here is our singing star, for Susan Miller. Hey, Abbott. Who writes your stuff? My writers. They work very hard. They spend twelve hours a day in their office over a typewriter. Why is this script written in pool chalk? Not and that's no way to introduce Susan Miller. Well, how would you introduce her? Haven't. I would give it plenty of class. For instance. Well, here. Listen. Ladies and gentlemen, we are very fortunate in having with us tonight a great singing star, miss Susan Miller. Miss Miller comes here to this program direct from a forty week engagement in New York City on the Astor Loop, where she was laying tar paper. Lady, ladies and gentlemen, this little girl, Susan Miller, is going places. And if I had time, I'd go with her.
For her selection tonight, she will sing that touching ballad. Mother, stay away from that oatmeal salesman or holler, let you have it in the mush. During this number, she will be accompanied by Maddie Malek and his you can have them, I don't want them, they're too flat for me orchestra. During this number, you will hear a featured solo by the band's soloist, Rudolph and his magic pressure cooker. Alright. Just a minute. Pardon me. Hey, Amber. What's his name doing out here? Costello. That's Susan Miller. Oh, yes. Come on, folks. Give her a nice hand.
[00:09:13] Unknown:
Costello, I heard those remarks, and I wanna talk to you. You wanna talk to me with a customer with a pledge? No. Just the way you are will be alright. Now what's the idea of telling people that I laid tar paper on the roof of the Astor Hotel? You didn't? Certainly not. It was the Biltmore Hotel. By the way, Costello, I noticed you were out with another girl last night. Shame on you, Costello.
[00:09:35] Unknown:
You're supposed to be going steady with Susan. You out with another girl? Who was she? I don't know. But she was very classy. I'll tell you. She was. She's the girl that washes cars in the filling station across the street. I wondered why she wore those rubber gloves with her evening gown.
[00:09:50] Unknown:
Well, to tell her, if you're going to go out with other girls, then I'm going to start going out with other men. That's telling him, Susan. You can get plenty of dates. I'll say I can. By just this evening, a handsome stranger walked up to me on the seat and asked me for a date. Gee, Susan. I hope you wouldn't go out with a total stranger. I should say not. I told him off. You did? Yes. I said, sir, how dare you talk to a beautiful single girl that lived alone at 1537 Vine Street on the Second Floor in Apartment 6 and is always home evenings after 09:00.
[00:10:24] Unknown:
You certainly told them off. I thought you were gonna get chummy with them. Susan, you better let me take you home tonight. This is safe for a pretty girl like you to be on the streets alone. Oh, that's ridiculous.
[00:10:35] Unknown:
I carry a revolver in my bag, and I'm an expert pistol shop. I studied jujitsu, and I also carry a dagger, and I'm a pretty good knife thrower. Susan, will you do me a favor? What?
[00:10:45] Unknown:
You take me home. And if you'll promise never to go out with another guy, any other guy but me, I'll get you in picture. How dare you? Are you trying to bribe me? What nerve? What gall?
[00:11:00] Unknown:
What studio? Hey,
[00:11:02] Unknown:
you. One of you. Yes. And you you quit worrying about getting girls in pictures and start worrying about this radio show. Cassello, I've got an idea that would really help this radio show. And what is it? Have Jack Benny on every week. If we had Jack Benny on every week, they wouldn't need me. Catch on fast.
[00:11:20] Unknown:
Come on, Cassell.
[00:11:28] Unknown:
You had a good idea. All comedians need help on the radio. Bob Hope's got Kelowna. Eddie Cana has the mad Russian. Edgar Bergen's got Charlie McCarthy. Then there's Harry James. Harry James isn't a comedian. No. But look what he's got. I you idiot. You're lucky you've got me. Where would you be without me? Where would you be without me? Where would you be without me? Well, we came out even on that one. We can't have a joke after every line. We gotta get some new ideas for this program. Hey. Hey, fellas. I got a I got a new idea. Manny Malek, you keep on it. Your job is to take care of the van. What's the matter with the band? I didn't say anything about the band. I like the band. You've got one of the finest bands in a lower priced field. Quiet, Costello. Manny, what's the idea you have? Why don't you let me do some of my recitation? Like, for instance, hey, diddle, the cat in the fiddle, and the cow jumped over the moon. That's mother goose.
Rub a dub dub. Three men in a tub. What's that? That's unsanitary. Abbott, Malik ain't got no talent. We're wasting time. If you want some new ideas for this program, why don't we put my pal, the drummer on? Now there is a clever fellow. Alright. Bring him up here. Come here, Oliver. So you call me. Yes, Abbot. I want you to meet our drummer, Oliver Storchy. Oliver Storchy. Dude, that's a very odd name. Well, that's only his stage name. What's his real name? Victor Storchy. Well, what is he going to do? Sing? Dance? Are you kidding? This guy is a real novelty. He can drink a five gallon jug of hard cider on one continuous drink without taking the jug away from his lips. All of it. You must be very fond of cider. Yeah. Well, every time I see an apple, I wanna squeeze it. With me, it's a peach. Oh, you can't.
Just a second. Is this cider really hard? Alright. Go ahead, Oliver. Show them. That hard enough, have it? Now go ahead, Oliver. Pull the cord. Okay. I'm ready now. I will drink the five gallons without taking it with one breath. One gallon. Two gallons. Three gallons and not a drop on his chin. This guy is gonna stop himself. Have it? He did it. How do you like that? Boy, this fellow is loaded with talent. He's got a little cider in him too. Oliver, the hell is a great sudden. I'm sure that the radio audience must hear a few words from you. Say something, Oliver. Thank you, Oliver.
Costello, we simply got to dig up some new ideas for this program. I'm I'm not worried about it, Adam. If the radio goes on a blink, I can always go back to my old record. You know, I used to be a sculptor. Sculptor? Yes. I used to make marble toupees for ball headed statues. Good evening, gentlemen. I understand you boys are looking for a new idea for your radio show, and I have just what you need. My name is Benny Rubin. Castello, this is Benny Rubin, the famous Broadway Comedian. What are you doing out here in California, Benny? I came out here for my liver. What was your liver doing out here? Oh, never mind.
Did you have a good trip from New York? Yeah. I came in by plane. Though we nearly had an accident, we ran into a sky rider. My goodness. Did you hurt the sky rider? No. We missed him, but we knocked the h out of honors John. You know, the last time I flew on a plane from New York, there was a fresh guy on a plane annoying the hostess. When the plane landed in Kansas City, they kicked them off. Was the rest of the trip pleasant? I don't know. I took a bus in from Kansas City. Oh, stop this and pay attention. God tell that. Mister Rubin is a great actor. He wasn't he wasn't that picture of the naked city. That's I I saw that picture in Boston, Rubin. I didn't see you in it. In Boston, they made us change the title. They called it the bathrobe city.
By the way, Ruben, I'm quite an actor myself. Did you see my last picture? I hope so. It was a great picture. I'll prove it to you. Did anyone out there in the audience see The Noose Hangs High? I did. And And I wanna say that it was the finest picture that was ever shown in a theater in this country. It was a great picture. It was a grand picture, and your acting was superb. Thank you, sir. Is there anything else you'd like to say? Yeah, Louie. Mom said on the way home to buy some meat. Get out of here. You see that? You're not so popular. You even have to bring your relatives in here for your radio show. That's not so. These people love me. They come in here because they wanna see me. I'll prove it to you. Is there anybody that don't wanna see me yet and wants to go home? I don't.
Anybody else? Oh, stop this nonsense, Costello. Vinny, what would you suggest that we do to build up this radio show? Well, the best way to do it is to let the audience participate in the show. Well, I was thinking that if we What did you say? You should allow the audience to come up on stage and participate. They wouldn't dare. They haven't got the nerve. That's a good idea that Benny has. How would you suggest we, we do this? Know about this? Well, I'll tell you. We'll invite some people up from the audience. We'll get them to do some cute little stunts, and then Costello gives the money and prizes, and everybody will be happy. Now that sounds good, Costello. People like to win things. Oh, yes. I remember. My aunt May was the first person to win prizes at a radio show. She won mink coats, diamond rings, washing machine, sets of dishes, radios, and everything. And then she put all those things in her hook chest. That was thirty years ago. Did you get married? Never married, but that was the start of the May company.
Well, what do you say, boys? How about it? Should we get some people up on the stage and get things coming? Hey. This sounds like fun, Fenny. How about you, sir? Would you come up here? You, sir. Hey. Thank you, sir. Stand right here. Take me now. Now what and what is your name? Harry Brown. And your occupation? I'm a pickpocket. Don't you know it's wrong to take money dishonestly? That's dishonest? Boy, do you what do you do for a living? But let's go over the program. Wait a minute, boys. Let me handle this. Now, when the audience came in tonight, we gave out door prizes. What did you get when you came in the studio tonight? Three wallets, a top coat, and a diamond bracelet. No. No, sir. I didn't mean that. What did you get from our sponsor?
Nothing. I didn't know where he was sitting. I see. Forget the question, and let's get on with the show. Mister Costello will ask you a simple question, and if you don't answer it, mister Costello will think it think up a sound for you to do. Now I want you to answer this question before the bell rings. What country too late you missed? Sit down there for a minute, and I'll think of a stunt for you. And here's our next contestant, this young lady. Now what is your name, miss? Magnolia Randall. Oh, gosh. You're pretty. Are you sure that's your right name, Magnolia Randolph? Yeah. Yeah.
[00:18:59] Unknown:
And I have a gold identification bracelet on my ankle that'll prove it's hid.
[00:19:04] Unknown:
Oh, my gold ankle is gone. That's right, bud. That's her name. Hey. You give her back that bracelet. And have I thought up a stunt for you, mister Brown? Mister Rubin, will you take, mister Rubin, come over here. You take, mister Brown out on Hollywood Boulevard. Out here is a big big basket of bricks. Your stunt will be to break as many store windows as you can and get back here before the program is over. Now in the bottom of the basket, you'll find the bomb. You throw that through the window of the Bank of America. Are we free, devil?
Well, there goes mister Brown with Benny Rubin. Have fun, boys. Have fun. And now let's, let's get back to this young lady. What do you do for a living? Well, I'm a dancing teacher. Oh, that's funny. My aunt Ama is a dancing teacher. She teaches the rumba, but she's not working this week. Why not? She caught a cold on her hips and can't shake it off. Oh, you're the cutest guy. I'll bet you.
[00:20:10] Unknown:
Miss Costello, back home in New Orleans, Dallas, because this is you. I'm a Southern belle. You're a what? I'm a Southern belle.
[00:20:19] Unknown:
Let you and me go out tonight and kick the gun around. Oh, that's a lovely dress you're wearing. Oh, it's not much. That's what I like about it. Brings out your eyes. Mine too. Is that a southern dress? Jonah? Certainly does.
[00:20:44] Unknown:
How do you like Hollywood, miss? Oh, it must be just wonderful to live here in Hollywood among all the big movie stars. Sure is. I live right next door to Betty Grable. That must be wonderful.
[00:20:55] Unknown:
Mhmm. Every morning, Betty Grable sings in the bathtub, and this morning, I sleep right over close to her house. Yes? Brother, can she sing? Enough of this nonsense, Costello. Now, miss, I am going to ask you a question. If you answer it, your stunt will be to kiss Costello. Now how many Kiss me, honey. Wait a minute, Costello. I didn't ask you the question. I know. But why wait till the last minute? Wait a minute. Here is your question. The tomb of, the Egyptian king Tut was built five thousand six hundred and forty two years ago. What was the name of the foreman of the bricklayer?
Very good example. Think hard.
[00:21:40] Unknown:
Day or night shift?
[00:21:44] Unknown:
A night shift.
[00:21:46] Unknown:
Patrick McGonagall?
[00:21:47] Unknown:
No. No. No. Wrong. He was on the day shift. And you have to kiss Costello. Alright. And now for our next convenience. Wait a minute, Abbot. Look, mister mister Brown, the man who's done the man who's done it was to throw the bricks to the winners on Hollywood Boulevard. Hey. Don't forget the bomb in the Bank of America. Better yet fun. Hey. Look. You set a cop with him. Yeah. I caught this fella doing the funniest thing. He he was throwing bricks through all the windows on Hollywood Boulevard. He says he gave a miss Joe. Yes, officer. We did it for a stunt. He couldn't answer the question we gave him. Serves him right.
You should've seen him. He didn't miss breaking one window in thick block. I'd love to have seen it in much of Mega Ryan. It was a panic. How do you think he broke the window in the May Company? How do you think? You're a throwin' left. Yeah. That must have been a funny sight. How how would you happen to see them all? I guess I was just lucky. I I was just in my sport car. Yeah. He threw a brick through the windshield. He hit me in the head. I just did it. Who's that? I thought of it. Because I'm using it now. Oh, my. Yeah.
Take a bite of an amateur. Why? Because you ain't gonna see him for six months.
Introduction and Casino Fun
Comedy Sketch: Chester's Black Eye
Fishing and Painting Antics
Susan Miller's Musical Interlude
Radio Show Ideas and Audience Participation
Benny Rubin's Appearance and Comedy
Audience Stunts and Hilarious Outcomes
