In this lively episode, Ryan kicks things off with a light-hearted discussion about how people celebrate their wins, whether it's with a fist pump, a high five, or a cheer. The conversation quickly shifts to the world of online gaming, highlighting Chumba Casino and Lucky Land Slots as exciting platforms for those looking to try their luck and win cash prizes. The episode is filled with humor and anecdotes, including a humorous exchange about buying bridges and a comedic story about a bee and a grasshopper.
The episode takes a comedic turn with a series of sketches featuring characters like Abbott, Costello, and their families. The sketches include a mix of witty banter, family dynamics, and humorous misunderstandings, such as a story about a man who "dies for a living" at a dry cleaning plant. The show wraps up with a humorous take on family visits and a comedic love story sketch, leaving listeners with a smile and a few laughs.
(00:00) Winning Moves and Casino Fun
(01:05) The Abbott Family's Wealth and Humor
(03:00) The Grasshopper and the Bee Story
(06:04) Costello's Family Visit
(10:10) Marilyn Maxwell's Arrival
(14:45) Radio Sketch and Family Antics
(19:32) Sponsor's Call and Show Conclusion
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[00:00:00]
Unknown:
It is Ryan here, and I have a question for you. What do you do when you win? Like, are you a fist pumper, a woo hooer, a hand clapper, a high fiver? I kinda like the high five, but if you wanna hone in on those winning moves, check out Chumba Casino. At chumbacasino.com, choose from hundreds of social casino style games for your chance to redeem serious cash prizes. There are new game releases weekly plus free daily bonuses, so don't wait. Start having the most fun ever at chumbacasino.com.
[00:00:28] Unknown:
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[00:00:44] Unknown:
No. Lucky Lane Casino with cash prizes that add up quicker than a guest registry.
[00:00:49] Unknown:
In that case, I pronounce you lucky. Play for free at luckylandslots.com. Daily bonuses are waiting. No purchase necessary. Void where prohibited by law. 18 plus. Terms and conditions apply. See website for details.
[00:01:06] Unknown:
Hey, Griselda. Griselda, come over here. Hey, Louis. I saw you talking to, some city's tickers down there. Now I hope you didn't didn't let them sell you the Brooklyn Bridge. Then sell me the Brooklyn Bridge. Yeah. Not me, Evan. They They tried to sell me the Brooklyn Bridge for $10,000. Yeah. But I didn't buy it. Good boy. I put the George Washington Bridge. Yeah. Not, Sally. You're impossible. You're the streets of the Abbott family. Why, we have this belong to the upper crust. You know? You Abbots are a bunch of crumbs. I hear now. Hey. Costello is a high class family. What do you mean? The Costello is the only family in Paterson, New Jersey whose garbage is gift wrapped. Oh, hold on.
[00:01:49] Unknown:
Street.
[00:01:49] Unknown:
That's pretty damn stuff. Oh, that's all. And the customer is very wealthy too. Their house has a 14 carat living room, a 14 carat dining room, and five fourteen carat bedrooms. Salad gold? Nope. Salad carrots. Salad carrots. Hey. In fact, I was born with a silver knife in my my mouth. You mean a silver spoon? No. Nice. We had more money than table manners. In fact, my family hadn't had money ever since I was at the awkward age. The awkward age? The awkward age? Yep. Yep. The awkward age. Well, that's That's when you feel clumsy and homely. I hear that. Your clothes don't fit you. And girls girls won't come near you. It started with me, Abbot, when I was about nine. When was it over? I don't know, but I hope soon. I am. You and your family, a bunch of nobodies. So I look at these pictures of the Abbotts. Now there's a picture of my father. Well, poor daddy died just before I was born. He must have almost fell in never mind that. Never mind. Now here here's a picture of my sister, Olive. Everyone, she says she looks they say she looks like Rana Turner, Betty Grable, and Rene Haywood. Roll into one. Yep. And when you unroll her, she looks like Willow Spirit.
Don't mind about that, Scottsdale. I'm proud of my family. They're industrious, and they all work like bees. I just said that, Adam. What do you mean? Because that brings me to my bedtime story for tonight. What is it? The story about the grasshopper and the little bee. I'm gonna tell it now, and I can leave any help from you, Abbot. You keep your mouth shut in the whole story. Alright. I tell a story all by myself. Oh, alright. Abbot. Bye. You go over to Bloomingdale's and show them what a blooming idiot looks like. Die. Abbot. I thought I was going with a story. No. I thought I was going with a story. Well, I found a time there was a happy little bee, and he was just about the nicest little bee. He was a drone. Did he be he he he what? Drone. Drone.
Yeah. Drone. If you drones shut up, I'll have you drone out of the studio. Alright. Go ahead. Now this little bee had a girlfriend. And this girlfriend buzzed around every morning and got her stuff from the flower. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. Stop. Stop. The bee the bee and his girlfriend would gather nectar. Say that again? Nectar. Nectar. Yeah. That was his girlfriend. But the girlfriend have it. If he wanted a nectar, let a nectar. Alright. You or nobody else is gonna Alright. A little fumbled from heaven. Alright. Alright. We heard you.
That out. I'm really getting sweet. Okay. Now one day the bee, the bee met a grasshopper, and they started talking. And the grasshopper had stuck like that. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Castello, how can a grasshopper talk? A grasshopper talks by rubbing his hind legs together. Oh, no. That's silly. Can you do it? Oh, now listen. Please do it. You're messing up this whole story. The story of the grasshopper, Nappy, is very simple. The moral of the story is the industry. Now I told this story to my brother, Herman, twenty years ago, and he profited by it. It. Today, he is a very successful man. Yeah. What is your brother, Herman, doing now? Oh, he's at the j and m dry clean plant. The j and m dry cleaning plant? What's he doing there? Dying. Dying? Mhmm. That's terrible. I didn't even know he was sick. He's not sick. He's dying.
He's dying and he ain't sick? No. That's right. If he was sick, he couldn't, could be dying. Why not? Well, because it's against the rules of the cleaning plant. You see, if a man is sick, they they won't let him in the place to die. You want him to die out on the street? No. No. No. No. No. They don't want him to die in the street. When he dies, he has to die on the Seventh Floor. He's gotta die on the Seventh Floor. Certainly. It's for another thirty minutes drink. No. It's a nerve of the people making a poor guy walk up Seventh Floor and start letting him go home to die. No. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Because his wife won't, let him die at home. Oh, he can't even die in his own house. No. No. No. No. If there's any dying to be done around the house, his wife doesn't. Wait a minute. You mean his wife's not a die too? Certainly. Look, Gavin, what are you trying to do? Fuck off the whole family? I thought I couldn't mind if bringing poor Herman over to my house to die. Oh, he couldn't die at your house. What's wrong with my house?
My grandmother died dead. If it's good enough for her, it's good enough for him. Look, Costello, the reason he couldn't die at your house is because you had no die. You gotta have died to die? That's right. That's right.
[00:05:52] Unknown:
This thing gets worse all the time. Now tell me something, Albert. Why does poor Herman have to die? He dies he dies for a living. He dies for a living. You better pick up your mind, will you? Is he living or dying?
[00:06:06] Unknown:
Yes. He's been dying for years. He even teaches other people how to die. Whoo. He teaches other people how to die. Teaches people how to die? Yes. That's terrible. Hey. Who taught him how to die in the first place? I did. As if you're upset with him. Listen. Listen, you ain't miss Hill. When I say Herman is dying, I don't mean he's dying like a person dies when he dies. I mean, he's dying for a living. And a person that dies for a living is living even though he's dying. Oh, when you say you put a Herman is dying, you don't mean that he's dying like a person dies when he dies. You mean he's dying for a living, and a person that dies for a living is living so he is safe. Now you've got it. Now I've got it. I don't even know what I'm talking about. Hey, Abbott. What? Abbott, I've got great news. My family is coming over here tonight to visit me. The whole family? Oh, but my uncle Tom, he can't come. They put him in jail because his wife is as pretty as a picture. No. No. They can't put a man in jail because his wife is as pretty as a picture. They can't if he tries to hang her on the wall.
Would you mind setting your mouth so I can see who you are? Damn it. It's my aunt Alma.
[00:07:25] Unknown:
My favorite nephew. My goodness, you look terrible. You've been working too hard, but you needed a few days rest. You're coming home with me and work on the farm for a few days. Work on the farm? What do I have to do? You'll love it, Louis. You'll get up in the morning at 04:00, milk 40 or 50 cows, clean out the chicken coop, gather the eggs, set 20 or 30 pails of water from the well, chop four or five cords of wood, pile up the lawn, Feed a pig in the goats. Clean out the pig pens and a zingo. You're ready for breakfast. Could I have an extra bowl of Wheaties? Certainly. Now right after breakfast, jigsaw the plow. Turn over the back 40. Then five or six miles of fence, take a drainage ditch around the barn. Pick and plate a couple of undescapes of apples, pitch five or six tons of hay, weed the onion patch, cultivate the potatoes, clean out the rabbit coop, white horse the lawn, grind the valves in the tractor, and, bingo, you're ready for lunch.
[00:08:08] Unknown:
Boy, can we see? I'll just have a milk. I'll just have a milk. I don't wanna waste any time.
[00:08:14] Unknown:
Good. Now right after lunch, you roll out the butter churn. Turn 40 to 50 pounds of butter. Get out the side of press and squeeze out a few barrels of cider. Bail 30 or 40 tons of alfalfa. Round up the turkey, the geeks, and the guinea ham. Pray the apple orchard, swing out the dust pond, fill all the lanterns, bed down the towels, curry the horses, and a zingo, you're ready for supper.
[00:08:32] Unknown:
Oh, we haven't. Curried horse?
[00:08:35] Unknown:
Now right after supper, you hit the forest and bug and go caught from the farmer's door that lives down the road. She's a gorgeous redhead with beautiful white skin and a luscious figure. She climbs into the buggy beside you. You're right along in the moonlight. The horse knows the way, and suddenly the horse stops. This gorgeous girl flies over close to you on the buggy feet. She puts her arms around you, and you put your arms around her. She strokes your hair, and you put your head on her shoulder. And then do you know what to do?
[00:08:57] Unknown:
Single. I'm ready for lunch. You sit over there, and I'm gonna rest your hands and face. Hey. Hey. Look, Estella. Here comes Marilyn Maxwell. Oh, Marilyn Maxwell. Hello, Marilyn. Hello, Louis, honey. Gee, Marilyn, you look wonderful tonight. That's a beautiful sweater you're wearing. Oh, do you like it? I made it myself. It's really a man's sweater. A man's sweater? You could've fooled me. Don't worry, Marilyn. Costello's relatives are coming over from, New Jersey, and I'm sure you'd like to meet them. Well, I certainly would.
[00:09:40] Unknown:
Louis, someday you and I will be married, and I'll be the wife and you'll be the husband. Marilyn, I wouldn't have it any other way.
[00:09:54] Unknown:
Oh, Louis. Louis, you're so sweet.
[00:09:58] Unknown:
You have such a lovable personality.
[00:10:02] Unknown:
You're so so cuddly and so cute. I hate to leave you.
[00:10:18] Unknown:
Larry is my Louie, my boy, how are you? Hey, Anna. It's Miami.
[00:10:23] Unknown:
Hello, Miami.
[00:10:24] Unknown:
Louie, my boy, I've got your Uncle Mike and your little nephew, Broccoli, along to see you. Broccoli, kiss you, Uncle Louie.
[00:10:32] Unknown:
What for? I didn't do nothing.
[00:10:36] Unknown:
Broccoli, where are your manners? Mark, speak to your son.
[00:10:40] Unknown:
Hello, broccoli. I get up.
[00:10:44] Unknown:
Go ahead, mate. Tell him why we came over. Louie, you just got a puttotally on your program. He's one of those talented boys in Madison. That boy has a head on his shoulders. I've seen better hair than a snail breath of beer. Oh, yeah. I've been listening to your program, Fatso.
[00:11:05] Unknown:
What's wrong with it? And plain white just say Nah. Nah. Just a minute, Rockley. What would you suggest to our program? Kevin McGee and Molly.
[00:11:14] Unknown:
Now you guys are alright for the round haircuts and the long underwear crowd, but the stuff you're doing went out with the high button shoes, Mac. Broccoli is right. You better listen to it, Louis. What your audience needs is young blood. If you don't get broccoli out of here, they're gonna get some. Please.
[00:11:30] Unknown:
I mean, folks, we've got a program to do. Would you mind waiting outside till we're finished? Client, dude. May I tell you the schedule you have written for us to do with him tonight? Now wait a minute. We can't do that. My sponsor wouldn't like you. Alright. If your sponsor means smarter than we do, where you go? We're we're in poor relations. Now wait a minute, Anthony. Give me a kick it around. We don't care. Anthony, wait a minute. Something to you. Anthony, wait a minute. Somehow she gave us for Christmas. What a house.
What's wrong with it? You've only got two bathrooms, and there's three of us in the family.
[00:12:04] Unknown:
Please don't cry anymore at me. I'll do anything you say. Oh, good boy, Lily. I was only acting to prove to you that I'm a great actress. Didn't I sound like Lauren Bacalock? Bacalock.
[00:12:16] Unknown:
Give me Lauren Bacal. Tell him Paul like Lauren Titus. Not accurate, docela. We're wasting time. What are we going to do? Okay. Give me this sketch here, man. Listen to this title, Abbott. A brand new love story entitled, Beside the Shalimar Under the Garden Gate Waiting in the Cottage Mall by a waterfall in Greenpoint, where the sea is sunny and the dawn comes up like flying fish in a good old summertime. Good night, folks. We're a little late. I ain't gonna do it.
[00:12:42] Unknown:
But, boy, this is a love story. In this sketch, you make love to Marilyn Maxwell. I still I'm not I said Marilyn Maxwell is the girl you make love to in my sketch. Oh, well, you'll have to give me time to take it over. Okay.
[00:13:01] Unknown:
Let me see that thing, Lily. Mhmm. Castello, this looks good. Left. The scene opens with you and Marilyn in a in a canoe drifting down a beautiful stream. You're in the stern, and she's in the bow. Can't she make it a rowboat and get us both in the backseat?
[00:13:14] Unknown:
No.
[00:13:15] Unknown:
Gotta be a canoe. Then rip out all the sheets to make it every man for himself. I had. Marilyn looks into your eyes and says, come to me, Lewis. Come to me, my love. I dropped the paddle of maple. No. No. No. You don't drop the paddle. But I could buy a new paddle for a fucking half. No. No. No. Not not yet. You park the canoe under a clump of willow tree because that's where you're gonna kiss her, and you know that no one can see you. Oh, am I a stinkers? No. No. No. Now. I'm marinating for the lips of pollen. He says, I'm yours from now on. And now do you know what you do? Single. I'm ready for lunch. Oh, no. No. Now you're playing hard to get you're a city flicker. I'm the village idiot. That's what I am. Please, guys. Tell her. You look at Maryland's slowly you begin inch away. Wait forward. Inspire. Inspire.
Get me over there. I only rented the boat for an hour. Now the moment has come. You run underneath the pump of tree. You take her in your arm. You look up suddenly. You see that a tree is beginning to fall. You don't want her to be frightened by the falling tree, and you whisper tenderly in your ear. Timber.
[00:14:28] Unknown:
Isn't that a wonderful sketch, Louie, my boy? That's the kind of writing that belongs to the ages. Yes. The ages between five and seven.
[00:14:35] Unknown:
Take that sketch away from them, mommy. Two boobs are lapped up anyway.
[00:14:40] Unknown:
Now let's see. Of them knows how to act. Why are you Wait a minute, Robert. Toto. Let me talk to the boy. Rockley. Yeah. Come here to your uncle Louie. How would you like to be on the radio with me? Now you're talking thin. What do I do? Well, you can help me with my imitation. Yeah? The first one will be that of the Australian hawk. An Australian hawk. How do we do it? Just put your neck between my two hands. Uh-huh. That's it.
[00:15:05] Unknown:
Fuck.
[00:15:08] Unknown:
And no jury will ever convict me. Well, Costello, I hope you're satisfied. You brought your relatives over, broke up our show probably got nothing wrong with the sponsor, and allowed your nephew, Broccoli, to publicly insult me. Me, your best friend. Why? Why? Why do you do things like that? Oh, I'm
[00:15:29] Unknown:
a bad boy. Well, Louis, here I am. I'm
[00:15:37] Unknown:
ready to meet your relative. Too late, Marilyn. I'll probably never see them again. They did a terrible thing. I'm afraid they got us in wrong with our sponsor. Well, lose, honey. What do your relatives do in New Jersey? They're jiggers in the burlesque show.
[00:15:50] Unknown:
Jiggers?
[00:15:52] Unknown:
You mean they do a dancing act? No. They stand outside of the burlesque show, and when the police come, they holler, jiggers, the cops. All kidding aside, Merlin, I love my family, and I love my neighbors too. I love everybody. Friends, Romans, and countrymen, lend me your ears, your eyes, your nose. Stop shooting, fool. Lay down your cues. We have a message to bring to you. Oh,
[00:17:20] Unknown:
Louis, my little doodle. You're so generous. Thank you for that quart of perfume.
[00:17:25] Unknown:
Oh, that's nothing, Merlin.
[00:17:27] Unknown:
But a quart of perfume, Louis. Mhmm. Most fellas only buy their girls a dram.
[00:17:32] Unknown:
But I'm the kind of guy that just don't give a dram. Oh, one day, I met an old friend that I knew so thin his clothes didn't thicken.
[00:17:46] Unknown:
He said, Louis, I ain't had
[00:17:49] Unknown:
a fight for weeks and so I've been in. That's all. You know, I never realized how generous you really are, how democratic and congress made me listen. And you're so good to your family. Oh, that's nothing at it. Nobody can be too good for their folks. I'll be a good boy to my family. They'll never squawk. Now every time I buy them a pork chop, I won't remove the pork. I'm gonna buy my folks some more old one that is new. And in a year, if they still like it, I'll buy the motor too. I may be just a little guy, but I'm gonna be a piggy.
I'm gonna take my titty bank and give it a back to my little piggy. I will never fight. I will always be polite. I'll try to bring everybody joy. Yeah. And I promise that people always do what's right. Even though they say that I'm a big
[00:19:23] Unknown:
boy. That's the most precious thing.
[00:19:33] Unknown:
Hello? Hello? Just just a minute. Cassello, it's his question. He wants to talk to you. Here it comes. Go ahead. Here it comes. Go ahead. Costello. This is your sponsor. I heard your family on the show tonight, and I want you to know sponsor. It isn't my fault. But I wanna Sorry about the whole thing. I'm sorry it happened, mister sponsor. I didn't know. No. Just a minute. Virus, mister sponsor. Not just a minute. Just a minute. Mister sponsor, I promise you it will never happen again. We want it to happen again. Both people are funnier than you are. You should take them to California with you. Goodbye.
[00:20:07] Unknown:
No. Not that.
[00:20:24] Unknown:
During the war, the makers of Camel Cigarette sent a total of more than 150,000,000 free camels who are fighting men overseas. Now free camels are sent to servicemen's hospitals and said, this week the camels go to Veterans Hospital Tuskegee, Alabama, US Army Children General Hospital Fort Sicks, New Jersey, US Naval Hospital Bremerton, Washington, US Marine Hospital, Portland, Maine, and Veterans Hospital, Oklahoma City, Oklahoma. Camel broadcast throughout The United States Three times a week are rebroadcast to practically every area in the world where our men are still stationed and to our good neighbors in Central And South America. And I'll hear our Bud Abbott and Lou Costello over the final word. Well, Costello, next week, we'll be back broadcasting from Hollywood. Do you think the folks will be glad to see you too? Abbott, the last time I went back, they welcomed me with a big celebration. They burned a street car in my honor. They did? Yes. Fortunately, I got out of it just in time. Good good night, folks. Good night. Good night. You.
[00:21:14] Unknown:
Be right home next week, mom.
[00:21:16] Unknown:
Good night, sir. Night, sir. Baby.
It is Ryan here, and I have a question for you. What do you do when you win? Like, are you a fist pumper, a woo hooer, a hand clapper, a high fiver? I kinda like the high five, but if you wanna hone in on those winning moves, check out Chumba Casino. At chumbacasino.com, choose from hundreds of social casino style games for your chance to redeem serious cash prizes. There are new game releases weekly plus free daily bonuses, so don't wait. Start having the most fun ever at chumbacasino.com.
[00:00:28] Unknown:
No purchase necessary. By laws. See terms and conditions 18 plus. With lucky land slots, you can get lucky just about anywhere. Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to has anyone seen the bride and groom? Sorry. Sorry. We're here. We were getting lucky in the limo and we lost track of time.
[00:00:44] Unknown:
No. Lucky Lane Casino with cash prizes that add up quicker than a guest registry.
[00:00:49] Unknown:
In that case, I pronounce you lucky. Play for free at luckylandslots.com. Daily bonuses are waiting. No purchase necessary. Void where prohibited by law. 18 plus. Terms and conditions apply. See website for details.
[00:01:06] Unknown:
Hey, Griselda. Griselda, come over here. Hey, Louis. I saw you talking to, some city's tickers down there. Now I hope you didn't didn't let them sell you the Brooklyn Bridge. Then sell me the Brooklyn Bridge. Yeah. Not me, Evan. They They tried to sell me the Brooklyn Bridge for $10,000. Yeah. But I didn't buy it. Good boy. I put the George Washington Bridge. Yeah. Not, Sally. You're impossible. You're the streets of the Abbott family. Why, we have this belong to the upper crust. You know? You Abbots are a bunch of crumbs. I hear now. Hey. Costello is a high class family. What do you mean? The Costello is the only family in Paterson, New Jersey whose garbage is gift wrapped. Oh, hold on.
[00:01:49] Unknown:
Street.
[00:01:49] Unknown:
That's pretty damn stuff. Oh, that's all. And the customer is very wealthy too. Their house has a 14 carat living room, a 14 carat dining room, and five fourteen carat bedrooms. Salad gold? Nope. Salad carrots. Salad carrots. Hey. In fact, I was born with a silver knife in my my mouth. You mean a silver spoon? No. Nice. We had more money than table manners. In fact, my family hadn't had money ever since I was at the awkward age. The awkward age? The awkward age? Yep. Yep. The awkward age. Well, that's That's when you feel clumsy and homely. I hear that. Your clothes don't fit you. And girls girls won't come near you. It started with me, Abbot, when I was about nine. When was it over? I don't know, but I hope soon. I am. You and your family, a bunch of nobodies. So I look at these pictures of the Abbotts. Now there's a picture of my father. Well, poor daddy died just before I was born. He must have almost fell in never mind that. Never mind. Now here here's a picture of my sister, Olive. Everyone, she says she looks they say she looks like Rana Turner, Betty Grable, and Rene Haywood. Roll into one. Yep. And when you unroll her, she looks like Willow Spirit.
Don't mind about that, Scottsdale. I'm proud of my family. They're industrious, and they all work like bees. I just said that, Adam. What do you mean? Because that brings me to my bedtime story for tonight. What is it? The story about the grasshopper and the little bee. I'm gonna tell it now, and I can leave any help from you, Abbot. You keep your mouth shut in the whole story. Alright. I tell a story all by myself. Oh, alright. Abbot. Bye. You go over to Bloomingdale's and show them what a blooming idiot looks like. Die. Abbot. I thought I was going with a story. No. I thought I was going with a story. Well, I found a time there was a happy little bee, and he was just about the nicest little bee. He was a drone. Did he be he he he what? Drone. Drone.
Yeah. Drone. If you drones shut up, I'll have you drone out of the studio. Alright. Go ahead. Now this little bee had a girlfriend. And this girlfriend buzzed around every morning and got her stuff from the flower. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. Stop. Stop. The bee the bee and his girlfriend would gather nectar. Say that again? Nectar. Nectar. Yeah. That was his girlfriend. But the girlfriend have it. If he wanted a nectar, let a nectar. Alright. You or nobody else is gonna Alright. A little fumbled from heaven. Alright. Alright. We heard you.
That out. I'm really getting sweet. Okay. Now one day the bee, the bee met a grasshopper, and they started talking. And the grasshopper had stuck like that. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Castello, how can a grasshopper talk? A grasshopper talks by rubbing his hind legs together. Oh, no. That's silly. Can you do it? Oh, now listen. Please do it. You're messing up this whole story. The story of the grasshopper, Nappy, is very simple. The moral of the story is the industry. Now I told this story to my brother, Herman, twenty years ago, and he profited by it. It. Today, he is a very successful man. Yeah. What is your brother, Herman, doing now? Oh, he's at the j and m dry clean plant. The j and m dry cleaning plant? What's he doing there? Dying. Dying? Mhmm. That's terrible. I didn't even know he was sick. He's not sick. He's dying.
He's dying and he ain't sick? No. That's right. If he was sick, he couldn't, could be dying. Why not? Well, because it's against the rules of the cleaning plant. You see, if a man is sick, they they won't let him in the place to die. You want him to die out on the street? No. No. No. No. No. They don't want him to die in the street. When he dies, he has to die on the Seventh Floor. He's gotta die on the Seventh Floor. Certainly. It's for another thirty minutes drink. No. It's a nerve of the people making a poor guy walk up Seventh Floor and start letting him go home to die. No. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Because his wife won't, let him die at home. Oh, he can't even die in his own house. No. No. No. No. If there's any dying to be done around the house, his wife doesn't. Wait a minute. You mean his wife's not a die too? Certainly. Look, Gavin, what are you trying to do? Fuck off the whole family? I thought I couldn't mind if bringing poor Herman over to my house to die. Oh, he couldn't die at your house. What's wrong with my house?
My grandmother died dead. If it's good enough for her, it's good enough for him. Look, Costello, the reason he couldn't die at your house is because you had no die. You gotta have died to die? That's right. That's right.
[00:05:52] Unknown:
This thing gets worse all the time. Now tell me something, Albert. Why does poor Herman have to die? He dies he dies for a living. He dies for a living. You better pick up your mind, will you? Is he living or dying?
[00:06:06] Unknown:
Yes. He's been dying for years. He even teaches other people how to die. Whoo. He teaches other people how to die. Teaches people how to die? Yes. That's terrible. Hey. Who taught him how to die in the first place? I did. As if you're upset with him. Listen. Listen, you ain't miss Hill. When I say Herman is dying, I don't mean he's dying like a person dies when he dies. I mean, he's dying for a living. And a person that dies for a living is living even though he's dying. Oh, when you say you put a Herman is dying, you don't mean that he's dying like a person dies when he dies. You mean he's dying for a living, and a person that dies for a living is living so he is safe. Now you've got it. Now I've got it. I don't even know what I'm talking about. Hey, Abbott. What? Abbott, I've got great news. My family is coming over here tonight to visit me. The whole family? Oh, but my uncle Tom, he can't come. They put him in jail because his wife is as pretty as a picture. No. No. They can't put a man in jail because his wife is as pretty as a picture. They can't if he tries to hang her on the wall.
Would you mind setting your mouth so I can see who you are? Damn it. It's my aunt Alma.
[00:07:25] Unknown:
My favorite nephew. My goodness, you look terrible. You've been working too hard, but you needed a few days rest. You're coming home with me and work on the farm for a few days. Work on the farm? What do I have to do? You'll love it, Louis. You'll get up in the morning at 04:00, milk 40 or 50 cows, clean out the chicken coop, gather the eggs, set 20 or 30 pails of water from the well, chop four or five cords of wood, pile up the lawn, Feed a pig in the goats. Clean out the pig pens and a zingo. You're ready for breakfast. Could I have an extra bowl of Wheaties? Certainly. Now right after breakfast, jigsaw the plow. Turn over the back 40. Then five or six miles of fence, take a drainage ditch around the barn. Pick and plate a couple of undescapes of apples, pitch five or six tons of hay, weed the onion patch, cultivate the potatoes, clean out the rabbit coop, white horse the lawn, grind the valves in the tractor, and, bingo, you're ready for lunch.
[00:08:08] Unknown:
Boy, can we see? I'll just have a milk. I'll just have a milk. I don't wanna waste any time.
[00:08:14] Unknown:
Good. Now right after lunch, you roll out the butter churn. Turn 40 to 50 pounds of butter. Get out the side of press and squeeze out a few barrels of cider. Bail 30 or 40 tons of alfalfa. Round up the turkey, the geeks, and the guinea ham. Pray the apple orchard, swing out the dust pond, fill all the lanterns, bed down the towels, curry the horses, and a zingo, you're ready for supper.
[00:08:32] Unknown:
Oh, we haven't. Curried horse?
[00:08:35] Unknown:
Now right after supper, you hit the forest and bug and go caught from the farmer's door that lives down the road. She's a gorgeous redhead with beautiful white skin and a luscious figure. She climbs into the buggy beside you. You're right along in the moonlight. The horse knows the way, and suddenly the horse stops. This gorgeous girl flies over close to you on the buggy feet. She puts her arms around you, and you put your arms around her. She strokes your hair, and you put your head on her shoulder. And then do you know what to do?
[00:08:57] Unknown:
Single. I'm ready for lunch. You sit over there, and I'm gonna rest your hands and face. Hey. Hey. Look, Estella. Here comes Marilyn Maxwell. Oh, Marilyn Maxwell. Hello, Marilyn. Hello, Louis, honey. Gee, Marilyn, you look wonderful tonight. That's a beautiful sweater you're wearing. Oh, do you like it? I made it myself. It's really a man's sweater. A man's sweater? You could've fooled me. Don't worry, Marilyn. Costello's relatives are coming over from, New Jersey, and I'm sure you'd like to meet them. Well, I certainly would.
[00:09:40] Unknown:
Louis, someday you and I will be married, and I'll be the wife and you'll be the husband. Marilyn, I wouldn't have it any other way.
[00:09:54] Unknown:
Oh, Louis. Louis, you're so sweet.
[00:09:58] Unknown:
You have such a lovable personality.
[00:10:02] Unknown:
You're so so cuddly and so cute. I hate to leave you.
[00:10:18] Unknown:
Larry is my Louie, my boy, how are you? Hey, Anna. It's Miami.
[00:10:23] Unknown:
Hello, Miami.
[00:10:24] Unknown:
Louie, my boy, I've got your Uncle Mike and your little nephew, Broccoli, along to see you. Broccoli, kiss you, Uncle Louie.
[00:10:32] Unknown:
What for? I didn't do nothing.
[00:10:36] Unknown:
Broccoli, where are your manners? Mark, speak to your son.
[00:10:40] Unknown:
Hello, broccoli. I get up.
[00:10:44] Unknown:
Go ahead, mate. Tell him why we came over. Louie, you just got a puttotally on your program. He's one of those talented boys in Madison. That boy has a head on his shoulders. I've seen better hair than a snail breath of beer. Oh, yeah. I've been listening to your program, Fatso.
[00:11:05] Unknown:
What's wrong with it? And plain white just say Nah. Nah. Just a minute, Rockley. What would you suggest to our program? Kevin McGee and Molly.
[00:11:14] Unknown:
Now you guys are alright for the round haircuts and the long underwear crowd, but the stuff you're doing went out with the high button shoes, Mac. Broccoli is right. You better listen to it, Louis. What your audience needs is young blood. If you don't get broccoli out of here, they're gonna get some. Please.
[00:11:30] Unknown:
I mean, folks, we've got a program to do. Would you mind waiting outside till we're finished? Client, dude. May I tell you the schedule you have written for us to do with him tonight? Now wait a minute. We can't do that. My sponsor wouldn't like you. Alright. If your sponsor means smarter than we do, where you go? We're we're in poor relations. Now wait a minute, Anthony. Give me a kick it around. We don't care. Anthony, wait a minute. Something to you. Anthony, wait a minute. Somehow she gave us for Christmas. What a house.
What's wrong with it? You've only got two bathrooms, and there's three of us in the family.
[00:12:04] Unknown:
Please don't cry anymore at me. I'll do anything you say. Oh, good boy, Lily. I was only acting to prove to you that I'm a great actress. Didn't I sound like Lauren Bacalock? Bacalock.
[00:12:16] Unknown:
Give me Lauren Bacal. Tell him Paul like Lauren Titus. Not accurate, docela. We're wasting time. What are we going to do? Okay. Give me this sketch here, man. Listen to this title, Abbott. A brand new love story entitled, Beside the Shalimar Under the Garden Gate Waiting in the Cottage Mall by a waterfall in Greenpoint, where the sea is sunny and the dawn comes up like flying fish in a good old summertime. Good night, folks. We're a little late. I ain't gonna do it.
[00:12:42] Unknown:
But, boy, this is a love story. In this sketch, you make love to Marilyn Maxwell. I still I'm not I said Marilyn Maxwell is the girl you make love to in my sketch. Oh, well, you'll have to give me time to take it over. Okay.
[00:13:01] Unknown:
Let me see that thing, Lily. Mhmm. Castello, this looks good. Left. The scene opens with you and Marilyn in a in a canoe drifting down a beautiful stream. You're in the stern, and she's in the bow. Can't she make it a rowboat and get us both in the backseat?
[00:13:14] Unknown:
No.
[00:13:15] Unknown:
Gotta be a canoe. Then rip out all the sheets to make it every man for himself. I had. Marilyn looks into your eyes and says, come to me, Lewis. Come to me, my love. I dropped the paddle of maple. No. No. No. You don't drop the paddle. But I could buy a new paddle for a fucking half. No. No. No. Not not yet. You park the canoe under a clump of willow tree because that's where you're gonna kiss her, and you know that no one can see you. Oh, am I a stinkers? No. No. No. Now. I'm marinating for the lips of pollen. He says, I'm yours from now on. And now do you know what you do? Single. I'm ready for lunch. Oh, no. No. Now you're playing hard to get you're a city flicker. I'm the village idiot. That's what I am. Please, guys. Tell her. You look at Maryland's slowly you begin inch away. Wait forward. Inspire. Inspire.
Get me over there. I only rented the boat for an hour. Now the moment has come. You run underneath the pump of tree. You take her in your arm. You look up suddenly. You see that a tree is beginning to fall. You don't want her to be frightened by the falling tree, and you whisper tenderly in your ear. Timber.
[00:14:28] Unknown:
Isn't that a wonderful sketch, Louie, my boy? That's the kind of writing that belongs to the ages. Yes. The ages between five and seven.
[00:14:35] Unknown:
Take that sketch away from them, mommy. Two boobs are lapped up anyway.
[00:14:40] Unknown:
Now let's see. Of them knows how to act. Why are you Wait a minute, Robert. Toto. Let me talk to the boy. Rockley. Yeah. Come here to your uncle Louie. How would you like to be on the radio with me? Now you're talking thin. What do I do? Well, you can help me with my imitation. Yeah? The first one will be that of the Australian hawk. An Australian hawk. How do we do it? Just put your neck between my two hands. Uh-huh. That's it.
[00:15:05] Unknown:
Fuck.
[00:15:08] Unknown:
And no jury will ever convict me. Well, Costello, I hope you're satisfied. You brought your relatives over, broke up our show probably got nothing wrong with the sponsor, and allowed your nephew, Broccoli, to publicly insult me. Me, your best friend. Why? Why? Why do you do things like that? Oh, I'm
[00:15:29] Unknown:
a bad boy. Well, Louis, here I am. I'm
[00:15:37] Unknown:
ready to meet your relative. Too late, Marilyn. I'll probably never see them again. They did a terrible thing. I'm afraid they got us in wrong with our sponsor. Well, lose, honey. What do your relatives do in New Jersey? They're jiggers in the burlesque show.
[00:15:50] Unknown:
Jiggers?
[00:15:52] Unknown:
You mean they do a dancing act? No. They stand outside of the burlesque show, and when the police come, they holler, jiggers, the cops. All kidding aside, Merlin, I love my family, and I love my neighbors too. I love everybody. Friends, Romans, and countrymen, lend me your ears, your eyes, your nose. Stop shooting, fool. Lay down your cues. We have a message to bring to you. Oh,
[00:17:20] Unknown:
Louis, my little doodle. You're so generous. Thank you for that quart of perfume.
[00:17:25] Unknown:
Oh, that's nothing, Merlin.
[00:17:27] Unknown:
But a quart of perfume, Louis. Mhmm. Most fellas only buy their girls a dram.
[00:17:32] Unknown:
But I'm the kind of guy that just don't give a dram. Oh, one day, I met an old friend that I knew so thin his clothes didn't thicken.
[00:17:46] Unknown:
He said, Louis, I ain't had
[00:17:49] Unknown:
a fight for weeks and so I've been in. That's all. You know, I never realized how generous you really are, how democratic and congress made me listen. And you're so good to your family. Oh, that's nothing at it. Nobody can be too good for their folks. I'll be a good boy to my family. They'll never squawk. Now every time I buy them a pork chop, I won't remove the pork. I'm gonna buy my folks some more old one that is new. And in a year, if they still like it, I'll buy the motor too. I may be just a little guy, but I'm gonna be a piggy.
I'm gonna take my titty bank and give it a back to my little piggy. I will never fight. I will always be polite. I'll try to bring everybody joy. Yeah. And I promise that people always do what's right. Even though they say that I'm a big
[00:19:23] Unknown:
boy. That's the most precious thing.
[00:19:33] Unknown:
Hello? Hello? Just just a minute. Cassello, it's his question. He wants to talk to you. Here it comes. Go ahead. Here it comes. Go ahead. Costello. This is your sponsor. I heard your family on the show tonight, and I want you to know sponsor. It isn't my fault. But I wanna Sorry about the whole thing. I'm sorry it happened, mister sponsor. I didn't know. No. Just a minute. Virus, mister sponsor. Not just a minute. Just a minute. Mister sponsor, I promise you it will never happen again. We want it to happen again. Both people are funnier than you are. You should take them to California with you. Goodbye.
[00:20:07] Unknown:
No. Not that.
[00:20:24] Unknown:
During the war, the makers of Camel Cigarette sent a total of more than 150,000,000 free camels who are fighting men overseas. Now free camels are sent to servicemen's hospitals and said, this week the camels go to Veterans Hospital Tuskegee, Alabama, US Army Children General Hospital Fort Sicks, New Jersey, US Naval Hospital Bremerton, Washington, US Marine Hospital, Portland, Maine, and Veterans Hospital, Oklahoma City, Oklahoma. Camel broadcast throughout The United States Three times a week are rebroadcast to practically every area in the world where our men are still stationed and to our good neighbors in Central And South America. And I'll hear our Bud Abbott and Lou Costello over the final word. Well, Costello, next week, we'll be back broadcasting from Hollywood. Do you think the folks will be glad to see you too? Abbott, the last time I went back, they welcomed me with a big celebration. They burned a street car in my honor. They did? Yes. Fortunately, I got out of it just in time. Good good night, folks. Good night. Good night. You.
[00:21:14] Unknown:
Be right home next week, mom.
[00:21:16] Unknown:
Good night, sir. Night, sir. Baby.
