In this lively episode, we dive into a comedic skit featuring a series of humorous exchanges and misunderstandings. The show kicks off with a playful game of naming non-boring things, leading to a hilarious mention of Chumba Casino, a fictional casino with over a hundred games. The banter continues with a story about a shipyard mishap involving hot rivets and a humorous misunderstanding about military ranks, showcasing the comedic talents of the characters involved.
The episode takes a turn as the characters engage in a series of slapstick interactions, including a chaotic babysitting scenario with a mischievous child named Hector. The antics escalate with a mock football game between Costello and Gildersleeve, filled with exaggerated bravado and comedic mishaps. The episode is a whirlwind of jokes, puns, and physical comedy, capturing the essence of classic radio humor.
(00:00) Introduction and Chumba Casino
(01:05) Shipyard Shenanigans
(03:03) Little Hector's Antics
(07:01) Football Challenge with Gildersleeve
(13:50) The Big Game Begins
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[00:00:01]
Unknown:
Okay. Round two. Name something that's not boring.
[00:00:05] Unknown:
Laundry? Oh, a book club. Computer solitaire.
[00:00:12] Unknown:
Sorry. We were looking for Chumba Casino. That's right. Chumbacasino.com has over a hundred casino style games. Join today and play for free for your chance to redeem some serious prizes. Chumbacasino.com.
[00:00:30] Unknown:
Judy was boring. Hello. Then Judy discovered chumbacasino.com.
[00:00:35] Unknown:
It's my little escape. Now Judy's the life of the party. Oh, baby. Mama's bringing home the bacon. Woah. Take it easy, Judy. Chumba. The Chumba Life is for everybody. So go to chumba casino dot com and play over a hundred casino style games. Join today and play for free for your chance to redeem some serious prices. Chumbacasino.com. No purchase necessary for you where prohibited by law. 18 plus terms and conditions applies. Let's have a look for details.
[00:01:06] Unknown:
Hey, Epper.
[00:01:07] Unknown:
Now what's wrong? Oh.
[00:01:09] Unknown:
What's wrong now? Foil. Foil. Foil. Hey, Epper. Turbo thing just happened. What happened? I was invited down in the shipyard where they're building a brand new ship, And I got caught between two guys that was throwing hot rivets. What happened? What happened? One of those red hot rivets landed in my back pocket. Yes. Before I knew it, I was four miles out of sea under my own steam too. How do they how do they save you, Lou? Did they, throw you a breeches, boy? No. I came back without any breeches, kid. No. No. Well,
[00:01:37] Unknown:
you made a fool of yourself again. Yeah. But I burned my bridges behind me.
[00:01:41] Unknown:
Oh, dark sense. What were you doing down at the shipyards in the first place? I forgot to tell you. See, Abbot, my my cousin Hugo was a sailor down there. He's in the signal corp. The the signal corp? Yeah. He keeps signal his mother to get him out. Oh. I'm so ashamed of my cousin, Hugo. You are? I mean, after all the customers, I've always been very brave people. My great grandfather was a colonel in the army. A colonel? Yeah. Colonel. You dummy that colonel. Colonel? That's a pretty high rank. No. No. No. Not colonel. It is? No. No. You see, that word is pronounced colonel. Colonel? Yes. Colonel. Where did he fight? Oh, my uncle. He fought with the original 13 colonelies. No. No. Castello.
That's, Colony. Oh, Colony. You said it was Conerly. No. Conerly. I'll make up your mind. Look. Look. It's very simple. In in military
[00:02:27] Unknown:
parlance, c o l is pronounced car as a colonel. Yeah.
[00:02:33] Unknown:
Don't you know that? Oh, no. I never went to college. Oh. What me? Yes. I know. I quit squirrel at the age of birth. Oh, I know. I know. That's enough. Well, it ain't alright. After I quit squirrel, I got a giraffe and vertiver. A burglar. A juggler. Look. Are you finished? No. One more. Why? Abbott. What? Oh, that's your line. Yeah. That's all. Well, what is it? Now what's next? Never mind. That joke sunk. Yeah. Stop. Stop. Will you cut it out? I have something important to tell you. Mrs. Niles called up a few minutes ago, and she wants you to take care of her nephew, little Hector. Not little Hector. Yes. Take it for me, brother. I ain't gonna take care of that little brat. Why? Not me, brother. Oh, no. You mean you don't like little Hector? Oh, I like him. Then I swear. I'd like to give him a present. What kind of a present? Oh, a broken shoulder blade. That's no way to talk. What does little Hector ever do to you? What did he do? Yeah. Like the guy, he he poured a bottle of ink in my bathtub last year. Last year? Yeah. Did you speak to him about it? No. I only discovered it yesterday.
[00:03:36] Unknown:
Oh, hey. Wait a minute. Here's, here's Ken and missus Niles now. We were expecting you, Ken. Well, I'm sorry. I'm late, bud. My wife and I just got back from a hunting trip. Yes. I got a moose head. Well, put a hat over your necklace and nobody will notice it.
[00:03:52] Unknown:
Pay no attention to Costello, missus Niles. He's a little tired. He just came from launching his ship. He just launched the ship?
[00:03:59] Unknown:
Oh, that must have been a pretty picture. One tab launching another. That was that was wonderful there. That was wonderful. What a clever remark. No wonder I go for you. Oh, and Kenneth, I go for you. I go for you. I go for you. Ladies and gentlemen, you have just heard from mister and missus Dofert.
[00:04:25] Unknown:
I love that.
[00:04:30] Unknown:
Come on now. Cut it cut it out, Costello. Say, missus Niles, where's little Hector? Oh, he's outside playing. I'll get him.
[00:04:39] Unknown:
Hey, boo. Darling. Yes. Yeah. Yes, Annie Niles. I was looking for mister Costello's crazy cat. Who ever told you I had a crazy cat? Annie Niles. She said wait till I get a load of your silly pussy.
[00:04:56] Unknown:
See why I hate the kid?
[00:04:59] Unknown:
Oh, isn't little Hector cute?
[00:05:02] Unknown:
Oh, come here, kid. I think you're very cute too. Come here. Do me a favor. Yeah. What? Let me pinch you, windpipe. Costello. Now? Well, I mean, hey, Hector. Look. Why don't you just walk around the block? And if you're not back in three days, that'll be fine. Okay. Oh, don't mind, Hector, mister Costello. He's just fable. Why the other day he's definitely in the face. Missus Nyle, I hope he didn't knock any of your teeth out. How could he? He had him in our back pocket all the time.
[00:05:31] Unknown:
Come, Kenneth. We'll be back for Hector tonight.
[00:05:34] Unknown:
Oh, now listen. Now look. I'm not gonna get stuck with this kid. Hector. Hello, Hector. Come here. Come on home for your mother, will you, kid? But my mama ain't home. She's downtown buying a gun for my old man. Buying a gun? Did your father tell her what kind to get? No.
[00:05:49] Unknown:
He doesn't even know she's gonna shoot him.
[00:05:53] Unknown:
Hey, Evan. I'll tell you this kid is dangerous. Oh, come. He's only playing. Playing. Yesterday, he stuck his grandfather's head in the stove and saying smoke gets in your eye. I knew that was a terrible thing to do. Yeah. It was. It put the fire out. Little Hector, listen. I know a very good game. I'll tell you what I'd like to have you do. I'll turn on the electric fan and you stick your hand in it. No. That ain't gonna hurt much. No. No. I wanna play cowboys and Indians. Look. I brought my BB gun. Don't play that gun at me in my drawer.
[00:06:26] Unknown:
I need a bullet. It's not the point of that face. Alright. Alright. Take it easy. Hey, Evan. What? He showed me right in the eye. Are those BBs in your face? Well, it ain't caviar.
[00:06:37] Unknown:
Hey, Pete. Give me that thing. I'm gonna shoot the rest of these BBs right out the window.
[00:06:45] Unknown:
Oh,
[00:06:47] Unknown:
who shot that gun out of the window? Who wants to know? I do. Throckmorton p Gillersley.
[00:07:01] Unknown:
Mister Gillersley, those shots, sir, were an accident.
[00:07:04] Unknown:
Where did he get you? Between my bay window and the back porch. And furthermore, one of those BBs lodged in my head. Lodged in your head? I don't believe it. Check your head once. Alright. I will.
[00:07:18] Unknown:
He's right, Abbott. Can you imagine a little pee pee all alone in that big head?
[00:07:23] Unknown:
You've got a lot of nerve to talk about my head. Last time I saw a head like yours, it was in a bottle.
[00:07:33] Unknown:
Now, now wait a minute, boys. Let's settle this thing like gentle, but he ain't gonna blame this on me. Now it was all that little Hector's fault. You mean this innocent little child here? Why he has an angelic face. He has a heavenly look. You got your directions, Mitch. Now look here, Cristiano. You're not gonna blame this on anybody else. I demand satisfaction. Put up your fist and fight like a man. Okay, Abbot. This guy's asking for it. Give me a piece of chalk. What are you gonna do with it? What am I gonna do with it? I'm gonna draw a line right here on the floor. Right over there. Now come on, Gilda Sleep. I dare you to step over that line.
[00:08:04] Unknown:
Well, I stepped over the line. Now what?
[00:08:10] Unknown:
Now you're on my side. Little Hector. Little Hector. Who put that cat in the piano? I did. My teacher told me to practice Kipton on the key.
[00:08:34] Unknown:
Now, Abbot, I told you now. I told you to keep that kid quiet. I can't sleep. The noise makes me restless. Oh, that's just your imagination. No. It ain't Abbot. I was so restless that I tush and tush until my nose got caught in my ear. You got your nose caught in your ear. Why? That's terrible. Sure. I sneezed and almost blew my brains out. Oh, now who is that coming?
[00:08:54] Unknown:
Good afternoon, mister Abbot and mister Costello. Is little Hector here? I'm Tommy Pumpkins. I live two blocks down the street.
[00:09:03] Unknown:
You live two blocks down the street? What kind of talk is this?
[00:09:08] Unknown:
Well, mister Costello, that's the way Tommy talks. He can't say the letter t. He makes it sound like a poof.
[00:09:15] Unknown:
And do that again. It's very cooing.
[00:09:18] Unknown:
Look, what did you want with little Hector, Tommy? I came over here to practice my music with little Hector. See, I dropped my trumpet. Rumpet? You mean trumpet? That's it. The trumpet.
[00:09:29] Unknown:
This guy sounds like a nitwit.
[00:09:33] Unknown:
But Bobby is a very good trumpet player. You said it.
[00:09:36] Unknown:
Mister Costello,
[00:09:38] Unknown:
you're talking for the most horrific trumpet player that ever pooed at a pirate trumpet from Timbuk Poo Poo, Tennessee. Wanna hear me play a poo on my trumpet? No. Well, how about the clarinet?
[00:09:50] Unknown:
I play the clarinet, the prom bone, and the poo bar. Oh, no. You don't play the poo bar. A poo bar is what you keep, your,
[00:09:56] Unknown:
poop paste in to brush your peep.
[00:09:59] Unknown:
No. Now the guys got me talking like that. I must tell him, please don't make fun of Tommy. He comes from a very high class family. He was born with a silver spoon in his mouth. Why don't he take it out when he talks?
[00:10:11] Unknown:
Come on, lipohexper. Let's play a lipo poon. Just for Costello, you wanna hear cold pauper's knife and tay?
[00:10:18] Unknown:
Knife and day? Why don't you play pitpo pruta foolish?
[00:10:24] Unknown:
Oh, that's great. Follow me, little Hector. In tempo, one, two, three.
[00:10:34] Unknown:
That's enough, brother. I said that's enough, brother. Will you guys shut up? Hang it up. Break it up. Alright. Alright. Look. Hey. So why don't you and your friend Tommy go out in the yard and play? Yeah. Hey. Have my football. The one I used when I used to play with Marquette. You played with the University of Marquette in Wisconsin? No. With the fish Marquette in Glendale. Hey, Abbot. Look. Come on, kids. Now get out. Get the kids out. Will you, Abbot? Look. Go on out in the backyard, and I'll show you how I used to kick the ball. Now look. I'm gonna show you the kid that won the great big game. Here. Hector, you hold a ball. I'll kick it. Abbott, you catch it. But suppose you get tickles or Hector's head? Well, you'll have to catch her too. Oh. Okay, kid. Get ready. Here we go.
[00:11:20] Unknown:
Who kicked that football through my window? Hey. It's kill the sleeve. Let's run.
[00:11:26] Unknown:
Now what's the matter? What's the matter? Now that's that darn clothesline. Did it get you? No. I always wear my nose side saddle. Just let me.
[00:11:35] Unknown:
Don't you try to run away, Costello. You kicked that football through my window. It bounced off my high boy and put a nick in the leg of my secretary. Your secretary? Yeah.
[00:11:44] Unknown:
An old Duncan fight. Where does she get that stuff?
[00:11:50] Unknown:
My secretary has been in my family for two hundred years. Tafel, isn't she?
[00:11:54] Unknown:
Oh, keep quiet, Costello. Well, look, you'll asleep. The whole thing was an accident. Costello was just showing us what a great football player he was in school. In school? Mhmm. Costello, who'd you ever play for? Subnormal?
[00:12:07] Unknown:
Did you ever have that laugh dry cleaned?
[00:12:13] Unknown:
Don't try and evade the issue, Costello. You're talking to the greatest football player who ever went to Princeton. Alright. Prove it. Where are your football pants? Well, that shows how stupid you are, Costello. Footballs don't wear pants. Say, you'll just leave. Did you ever play in the, Princeton Yale game? Oh, I'll never forget that game, Abbott. I can still picture myself sweeping down the field. I swept over the 50 yard line, over the 40, the 30. I swept past the 20 yard line as I was sweeping toward the goal line. It happened. Were you tackled?
[00:12:44] Unknown:
No. He broke his broom.
[00:12:52] Unknown:
There's only one way to settle this argument. Why don't you challenge each other to a football game? That's a great idea, Abbot. It's the only thing that'll satisfy my honor. We gildersleeves
[00:13:01] Unknown:
are a proud lot. You're a bacon lot. I think I got the kid going, Pop. You're getting mad.
[00:13:08] Unknown:
Costello, we'll meet in one hour. If I should not emerge victorious, I shall retire to a mountain fastness. Where as a measure of self punishment, I shall wedge my neck in the crotch of a tree and allow the rootpeckers to peck on my cranium at regular five minute intervals. Yes.
[00:13:25] Unknown:
Yeah? Well, listen, ghostly. If I don't win this game, I'm gonna record to the seller of Tony's Fish Market, where I will tie myself to a pickle barrel and have Tony slap me in the post with a wet barracuda. Not every five minutes, Not every three minutes. Not every ten seconds. But Sunday. Monday and all day.
[00:13:51] Unknown:
Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen. This is Ken Niles, your sports caster, speaking to you direct from Google's parking lot overlooking the city dump. There is a strong wind sweeping across the field at this moment and most of the crowd is leaving. We are about to give you a word picture of this great football classic between the gilder sleeve nanny goat and the Costello moron. Oh, no. Pardon me. That's, maroon, sir. And now for a last minute interview, we take you to Lou Costello's dressing room. Take it away, Flash Barrel. Thank you, Ken Niles. Phew. This is Flash Barrel speaking from the moron's dressing room. That's me, folks. Mister Costello,
[00:14:34] Unknown:
I understand that this game is the result of a personal challenge. Is it true that you don't know the meaning of the word trebidation? That's right. And is it true that you don't know the meaning of the word paradise? That's right. You are pretty brave. No. I'm pretty ignorant.
[00:14:47] Unknown:
Take it away, Ken Niles. Thank you, Flash Barrel. And now for a word from the opposing captain, we switch you to gildersleeve dressing room and red harbor. Thank you, Ken Niles. Here we are in the nanny goat's dressing room.
[00:15:03] Unknown:
Gildersleeve looks in great shape. Say, mister Gildersleeve. I see you're wearing your old school sweater. Oh, yes. Princeton University. Yes, sir. I was the biggest PU man on the campus. Phew.
[00:15:15] Unknown:
Thank you, Gillersleeve. And now back to Ken Niles. Okay. Red Harbor.
[00:15:22] Unknown:
Both teams are coming on the field now, and we switch to Bud Abbott. Right, Ken Niles. Now let's listen to Gilles and Nanny Goats sing their alma mater.
[00:15:41] Unknown:
Phew.
[00:15:44] Unknown:
And now on the other side of the field, we pick up Luke Costello's band and glee club.
[00:16:09] Unknown:
Hastello.
[00:16:14] Unknown:
Hastello, what do you think you're doing here? Don't bother me now, missus Niles. We're gonna play football. Prepare the whole Hector. What do you think we're using for a football? Pastello, the game is about to start. Where's your football helmet? I don't need a helmet. But how are you going to protect your head? I'm wearing my hair piled up this season.
[00:16:35] Unknown:
Well, folks, the moment is here and we take you to the midfield stripe where the opposing captains are shaking hands in their usual friendly manner. Oh, I warn you, Costello. You try to carry the ball through my line, I'll climb you like a tree.
[00:16:46] Unknown:
And a monkey like you can do it.
[00:16:50] Unknown:
Costello,
[00:16:51] Unknown:
remember sportsmanship? I'm not afraid of him, Abbott. Listen, Costello. I'll hit you on the top of your head so hard, I'll drive your head down into your ribs. When you open your eyes, you'll think you're in jail.
[00:17:03] Unknown:
Figures, the cops. No. No. No. No. No. No. Come here. Come here. That's no. That's the referee. Stop. No more patrol wagons. No. No. No. That's the referee. That's the time I had to stand up. No. That's the referee. Alright, boys. Let's start the game. Let's start the game. Let's start the game. Let's start the game.
[00:17:20] Unknown:
Alright. Alright. Alright. Alright. He's here.
[00:17:26] Unknown:
Well, the game is about to start. Costello is kicking off to Gildersleeve and Costello's toe meets the big skin.
[00:17:32] Unknown:
Wait. Wait. Wait.
[00:17:34] Unknown:
Gee. That was a great kick, Costello. Gildersleeve's got the ball. Go ahead and tackle him. Okay. I got
[00:17:42] Unknown:
him. Tello, are you double jointed? No. Why? Then I think I broke your leg.
[00:17:49] Unknown:
The joke's on you. I always wear my leg in my back pocket. Hey. I don't like to wear you tickle, guilty. You mean tackle. You don't know your football. I mean tickle. You don't know your mustache.
[00:18:00] Unknown:
Come on, Dilly. Let's start the play. Right. Signals. 12, butt my shoe. 34, shut the door. Hike. Costello.
[00:18:08] Unknown:
Dilly's running around his own end. He's running around his own end? That's a neat trick if he can do
[00:18:15] Unknown:
it. The place, grab him. Come on, Jeff. Oh, ow.
[00:18:21] Unknown:
Referee. Referee.
[00:18:23] Unknown:
What is that?
[00:18:24] Unknown:
Did you see what happened?
[00:18:26] Unknown:
Yes. I did. And I penalized your 15 year old friend of Peron. Peron still just sneezed kicked me right in the bush.
[00:18:34] Unknown:
I don't believe it. You wouldn't do a thing like that, would you, Gildee? No, Uncle Ralph.
[00:18:42] Unknown:
Uncle Ralph, this is a frame up. Well, stop complaining, Costello. It's your turn to carry the ball. Now let's see you make a touchdown. Okay. Yeah. But watch me. One, two. What comes after two? Three. Oh, three. Yeah. Yeah. I knew he went to subnormal. Brook, I'll call the signal. +1, 234.
[00:19:03] Unknown:
Say, Gastel, what comes after 4? 6. No. It's 5.
[00:19:07] Unknown:
Oh, how do you know? I got my shoes off. I'm counting on my toes.
[00:19:11] Unknown:
Get ready then. Signal. +1, 2345.
[00:19:16] Unknown:
Hi.
[00:19:17] Unknown:
Oh, boy. I got the ball out of it. One tackler down. Two tacklers. Three tacklers. I'm gonna make a touchdown, Abbot. No. You won't, Priscilla. I'm right back of you.
[00:19:26] Unknown:
I got you.
[00:19:28] Unknown:
Uh-oh. Uh-oh. Abbot. We can't lose now. Why not? I'm out in the open.
[00:19:41] Unknown:
Wings are here. Oh, from No. I'd never order from anymore. Popeye's now has wings in five flavors. Ghost pepper, roasted garlic sweet and spicy, signature hot, and honey barbecue, marinated in Louisiana spices, hand battered and flipped. Makes no sense. They're $5.99 for six pieces. Taste them.
[00:19:58] Unknown:
Crunchy outside. And juicy inside. Consider me a convert.
[00:20:03] Unknown:
That's the most romantic thing you've said to me all month. We don't make sense. We make chicken. Go get chicken from potwise. Price may vary.
Okay. Round two. Name something that's not boring.
[00:00:05] Unknown:
Laundry? Oh, a book club. Computer solitaire.
[00:00:12] Unknown:
Sorry. We were looking for Chumba Casino. That's right. Chumbacasino.com has over a hundred casino style games. Join today and play for free for your chance to redeem some serious prizes. Chumbacasino.com.
[00:00:30] Unknown:
Judy was boring. Hello. Then Judy discovered chumbacasino.com.
[00:00:35] Unknown:
It's my little escape. Now Judy's the life of the party. Oh, baby. Mama's bringing home the bacon. Woah. Take it easy, Judy. Chumba. The Chumba Life is for everybody. So go to chumba casino dot com and play over a hundred casino style games. Join today and play for free for your chance to redeem some serious prices. Chumbacasino.com. No purchase necessary for you where prohibited by law. 18 plus terms and conditions applies. Let's have a look for details.
[00:01:06] Unknown:
Hey, Epper.
[00:01:07] Unknown:
Now what's wrong? Oh.
[00:01:09] Unknown:
What's wrong now? Foil. Foil. Foil. Hey, Epper. Turbo thing just happened. What happened? I was invited down in the shipyard where they're building a brand new ship, And I got caught between two guys that was throwing hot rivets. What happened? What happened? One of those red hot rivets landed in my back pocket. Yes. Before I knew it, I was four miles out of sea under my own steam too. How do they how do they save you, Lou? Did they, throw you a breeches, boy? No. I came back without any breeches, kid. No. No. Well,
[00:01:37] Unknown:
you made a fool of yourself again. Yeah. But I burned my bridges behind me.
[00:01:41] Unknown:
Oh, dark sense. What were you doing down at the shipyards in the first place? I forgot to tell you. See, Abbot, my my cousin Hugo was a sailor down there. He's in the signal corp. The the signal corp? Yeah. He keeps signal his mother to get him out. Oh. I'm so ashamed of my cousin, Hugo. You are? I mean, after all the customers, I've always been very brave people. My great grandfather was a colonel in the army. A colonel? Yeah. Colonel. You dummy that colonel. Colonel? That's a pretty high rank. No. No. No. Not colonel. It is? No. No. You see, that word is pronounced colonel. Colonel? Yes. Colonel. Where did he fight? Oh, my uncle. He fought with the original 13 colonelies. No. No. Castello.
That's, Colony. Oh, Colony. You said it was Conerly. No. Conerly. I'll make up your mind. Look. Look. It's very simple. In in military
[00:02:27] Unknown:
parlance, c o l is pronounced car as a colonel. Yeah.
[00:02:33] Unknown:
Don't you know that? Oh, no. I never went to college. Oh. What me? Yes. I know. I quit squirrel at the age of birth. Oh, I know. I know. That's enough. Well, it ain't alright. After I quit squirrel, I got a giraffe and vertiver. A burglar. A juggler. Look. Are you finished? No. One more. Why? Abbott. What? Oh, that's your line. Yeah. That's all. Well, what is it? Now what's next? Never mind. That joke sunk. Yeah. Stop. Stop. Will you cut it out? I have something important to tell you. Mrs. Niles called up a few minutes ago, and she wants you to take care of her nephew, little Hector. Not little Hector. Yes. Take it for me, brother. I ain't gonna take care of that little brat. Why? Not me, brother. Oh, no. You mean you don't like little Hector? Oh, I like him. Then I swear. I'd like to give him a present. What kind of a present? Oh, a broken shoulder blade. That's no way to talk. What does little Hector ever do to you? What did he do? Yeah. Like the guy, he he poured a bottle of ink in my bathtub last year. Last year? Yeah. Did you speak to him about it? No. I only discovered it yesterday.
[00:03:36] Unknown:
Oh, hey. Wait a minute. Here's, here's Ken and missus Niles now. We were expecting you, Ken. Well, I'm sorry. I'm late, bud. My wife and I just got back from a hunting trip. Yes. I got a moose head. Well, put a hat over your necklace and nobody will notice it.
[00:03:52] Unknown:
Pay no attention to Costello, missus Niles. He's a little tired. He just came from launching his ship. He just launched the ship?
[00:03:59] Unknown:
Oh, that must have been a pretty picture. One tab launching another. That was that was wonderful there. That was wonderful. What a clever remark. No wonder I go for you. Oh, and Kenneth, I go for you. I go for you. I go for you. Ladies and gentlemen, you have just heard from mister and missus Dofert.
[00:04:25] Unknown:
I love that.
[00:04:30] Unknown:
Come on now. Cut it cut it out, Costello. Say, missus Niles, where's little Hector? Oh, he's outside playing. I'll get him.
[00:04:39] Unknown:
Hey, boo. Darling. Yes. Yeah. Yes, Annie Niles. I was looking for mister Costello's crazy cat. Who ever told you I had a crazy cat? Annie Niles. She said wait till I get a load of your silly pussy.
[00:04:56] Unknown:
See why I hate the kid?
[00:04:59] Unknown:
Oh, isn't little Hector cute?
[00:05:02] Unknown:
Oh, come here, kid. I think you're very cute too. Come here. Do me a favor. Yeah. What? Let me pinch you, windpipe. Costello. Now? Well, I mean, hey, Hector. Look. Why don't you just walk around the block? And if you're not back in three days, that'll be fine. Okay. Oh, don't mind, Hector, mister Costello. He's just fable. Why the other day he's definitely in the face. Missus Nyle, I hope he didn't knock any of your teeth out. How could he? He had him in our back pocket all the time.
[00:05:31] Unknown:
Come, Kenneth. We'll be back for Hector tonight.
[00:05:34] Unknown:
Oh, now listen. Now look. I'm not gonna get stuck with this kid. Hector. Hello, Hector. Come here. Come on home for your mother, will you, kid? But my mama ain't home. She's downtown buying a gun for my old man. Buying a gun? Did your father tell her what kind to get? No.
[00:05:49] Unknown:
He doesn't even know she's gonna shoot him.
[00:05:53] Unknown:
Hey, Evan. I'll tell you this kid is dangerous. Oh, come. He's only playing. Playing. Yesterday, he stuck his grandfather's head in the stove and saying smoke gets in your eye. I knew that was a terrible thing to do. Yeah. It was. It put the fire out. Little Hector, listen. I know a very good game. I'll tell you what I'd like to have you do. I'll turn on the electric fan and you stick your hand in it. No. That ain't gonna hurt much. No. No. I wanna play cowboys and Indians. Look. I brought my BB gun. Don't play that gun at me in my drawer.
[00:06:26] Unknown:
I need a bullet. It's not the point of that face. Alright. Alright. Take it easy. Hey, Evan. What? He showed me right in the eye. Are those BBs in your face? Well, it ain't caviar.
[00:06:37] Unknown:
Hey, Pete. Give me that thing. I'm gonna shoot the rest of these BBs right out the window.
[00:06:45] Unknown:
Oh,
[00:06:47] Unknown:
who shot that gun out of the window? Who wants to know? I do. Throckmorton p Gillersley.
[00:07:01] Unknown:
Mister Gillersley, those shots, sir, were an accident.
[00:07:04] Unknown:
Where did he get you? Between my bay window and the back porch. And furthermore, one of those BBs lodged in my head. Lodged in your head? I don't believe it. Check your head once. Alright. I will.
[00:07:18] Unknown:
He's right, Abbott. Can you imagine a little pee pee all alone in that big head?
[00:07:23] Unknown:
You've got a lot of nerve to talk about my head. Last time I saw a head like yours, it was in a bottle.
[00:07:33] Unknown:
Now, now wait a minute, boys. Let's settle this thing like gentle, but he ain't gonna blame this on me. Now it was all that little Hector's fault. You mean this innocent little child here? Why he has an angelic face. He has a heavenly look. You got your directions, Mitch. Now look here, Cristiano. You're not gonna blame this on anybody else. I demand satisfaction. Put up your fist and fight like a man. Okay, Abbot. This guy's asking for it. Give me a piece of chalk. What are you gonna do with it? What am I gonna do with it? I'm gonna draw a line right here on the floor. Right over there. Now come on, Gilda Sleep. I dare you to step over that line.
[00:08:04] Unknown:
Well, I stepped over the line. Now what?
[00:08:10] Unknown:
Now you're on my side. Little Hector. Little Hector. Who put that cat in the piano? I did. My teacher told me to practice Kipton on the key.
[00:08:34] Unknown:
Now, Abbot, I told you now. I told you to keep that kid quiet. I can't sleep. The noise makes me restless. Oh, that's just your imagination. No. It ain't Abbot. I was so restless that I tush and tush until my nose got caught in my ear. You got your nose caught in your ear. Why? That's terrible. Sure. I sneezed and almost blew my brains out. Oh, now who is that coming?
[00:08:54] Unknown:
Good afternoon, mister Abbot and mister Costello. Is little Hector here? I'm Tommy Pumpkins. I live two blocks down the street.
[00:09:03] Unknown:
You live two blocks down the street? What kind of talk is this?
[00:09:08] Unknown:
Well, mister Costello, that's the way Tommy talks. He can't say the letter t. He makes it sound like a poof.
[00:09:15] Unknown:
And do that again. It's very cooing.
[00:09:18] Unknown:
Look, what did you want with little Hector, Tommy? I came over here to practice my music with little Hector. See, I dropped my trumpet. Rumpet? You mean trumpet? That's it. The trumpet.
[00:09:29] Unknown:
This guy sounds like a nitwit.
[00:09:33] Unknown:
But Bobby is a very good trumpet player. You said it.
[00:09:36] Unknown:
Mister Costello,
[00:09:38] Unknown:
you're talking for the most horrific trumpet player that ever pooed at a pirate trumpet from Timbuk Poo Poo, Tennessee. Wanna hear me play a poo on my trumpet? No. Well, how about the clarinet?
[00:09:50] Unknown:
I play the clarinet, the prom bone, and the poo bar. Oh, no. You don't play the poo bar. A poo bar is what you keep, your,
[00:09:56] Unknown:
poop paste in to brush your peep.
[00:09:59] Unknown:
No. Now the guys got me talking like that. I must tell him, please don't make fun of Tommy. He comes from a very high class family. He was born with a silver spoon in his mouth. Why don't he take it out when he talks?
[00:10:11] Unknown:
Come on, lipohexper. Let's play a lipo poon. Just for Costello, you wanna hear cold pauper's knife and tay?
[00:10:18] Unknown:
Knife and day? Why don't you play pitpo pruta foolish?
[00:10:24] Unknown:
Oh, that's great. Follow me, little Hector. In tempo, one, two, three.
[00:10:34] Unknown:
That's enough, brother. I said that's enough, brother. Will you guys shut up? Hang it up. Break it up. Alright. Alright. Look. Hey. So why don't you and your friend Tommy go out in the yard and play? Yeah. Hey. Have my football. The one I used when I used to play with Marquette. You played with the University of Marquette in Wisconsin? No. With the fish Marquette in Glendale. Hey, Abbot. Look. Come on, kids. Now get out. Get the kids out. Will you, Abbot? Look. Go on out in the backyard, and I'll show you how I used to kick the ball. Now look. I'm gonna show you the kid that won the great big game. Here. Hector, you hold a ball. I'll kick it. Abbott, you catch it. But suppose you get tickles or Hector's head? Well, you'll have to catch her too. Oh. Okay, kid. Get ready. Here we go.
[00:11:20] Unknown:
Who kicked that football through my window? Hey. It's kill the sleeve. Let's run.
[00:11:26] Unknown:
Now what's the matter? What's the matter? Now that's that darn clothesline. Did it get you? No. I always wear my nose side saddle. Just let me.
[00:11:35] Unknown:
Don't you try to run away, Costello. You kicked that football through my window. It bounced off my high boy and put a nick in the leg of my secretary. Your secretary? Yeah.
[00:11:44] Unknown:
An old Duncan fight. Where does she get that stuff?
[00:11:50] Unknown:
My secretary has been in my family for two hundred years. Tafel, isn't she?
[00:11:54] Unknown:
Oh, keep quiet, Costello. Well, look, you'll asleep. The whole thing was an accident. Costello was just showing us what a great football player he was in school. In school? Mhmm. Costello, who'd you ever play for? Subnormal?
[00:12:07] Unknown:
Did you ever have that laugh dry cleaned?
[00:12:13] Unknown:
Don't try and evade the issue, Costello. You're talking to the greatest football player who ever went to Princeton. Alright. Prove it. Where are your football pants? Well, that shows how stupid you are, Costello. Footballs don't wear pants. Say, you'll just leave. Did you ever play in the, Princeton Yale game? Oh, I'll never forget that game, Abbott. I can still picture myself sweeping down the field. I swept over the 50 yard line, over the 40, the 30. I swept past the 20 yard line as I was sweeping toward the goal line. It happened. Were you tackled?
[00:12:44] Unknown:
No. He broke his broom.
[00:12:52] Unknown:
There's only one way to settle this argument. Why don't you challenge each other to a football game? That's a great idea, Abbot. It's the only thing that'll satisfy my honor. We gildersleeves
[00:13:01] Unknown:
are a proud lot. You're a bacon lot. I think I got the kid going, Pop. You're getting mad.
[00:13:08] Unknown:
Costello, we'll meet in one hour. If I should not emerge victorious, I shall retire to a mountain fastness. Where as a measure of self punishment, I shall wedge my neck in the crotch of a tree and allow the rootpeckers to peck on my cranium at regular five minute intervals. Yes.
[00:13:25] Unknown:
Yeah? Well, listen, ghostly. If I don't win this game, I'm gonna record to the seller of Tony's Fish Market, where I will tie myself to a pickle barrel and have Tony slap me in the post with a wet barracuda. Not every five minutes, Not every three minutes. Not every ten seconds. But Sunday. Monday and all day.
[00:13:51] Unknown:
Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen. This is Ken Niles, your sports caster, speaking to you direct from Google's parking lot overlooking the city dump. There is a strong wind sweeping across the field at this moment and most of the crowd is leaving. We are about to give you a word picture of this great football classic between the gilder sleeve nanny goat and the Costello moron. Oh, no. Pardon me. That's, maroon, sir. And now for a last minute interview, we take you to Lou Costello's dressing room. Take it away, Flash Barrel. Thank you, Ken Niles. Phew. This is Flash Barrel speaking from the moron's dressing room. That's me, folks. Mister Costello,
[00:14:34] Unknown:
I understand that this game is the result of a personal challenge. Is it true that you don't know the meaning of the word trebidation? That's right. And is it true that you don't know the meaning of the word paradise? That's right. You are pretty brave. No. I'm pretty ignorant.
[00:14:47] Unknown:
Take it away, Ken Niles. Thank you, Flash Barrel. And now for a word from the opposing captain, we switch you to gildersleeve dressing room and red harbor. Thank you, Ken Niles. Here we are in the nanny goat's dressing room.
[00:15:03] Unknown:
Gildersleeve looks in great shape. Say, mister Gildersleeve. I see you're wearing your old school sweater. Oh, yes. Princeton University. Yes, sir. I was the biggest PU man on the campus. Phew.
[00:15:15] Unknown:
Thank you, Gillersleeve. And now back to Ken Niles. Okay. Red Harbor.
[00:15:22] Unknown:
Both teams are coming on the field now, and we switch to Bud Abbott. Right, Ken Niles. Now let's listen to Gilles and Nanny Goats sing their alma mater.
[00:15:41] Unknown:
Phew.
[00:15:44] Unknown:
And now on the other side of the field, we pick up Luke Costello's band and glee club.
[00:16:09] Unknown:
Hastello.
[00:16:14] Unknown:
Hastello, what do you think you're doing here? Don't bother me now, missus Niles. We're gonna play football. Prepare the whole Hector. What do you think we're using for a football? Pastello, the game is about to start. Where's your football helmet? I don't need a helmet. But how are you going to protect your head? I'm wearing my hair piled up this season.
[00:16:35] Unknown:
Well, folks, the moment is here and we take you to the midfield stripe where the opposing captains are shaking hands in their usual friendly manner. Oh, I warn you, Costello. You try to carry the ball through my line, I'll climb you like a tree.
[00:16:46] Unknown:
And a monkey like you can do it.
[00:16:50] Unknown:
Costello,
[00:16:51] Unknown:
remember sportsmanship? I'm not afraid of him, Abbott. Listen, Costello. I'll hit you on the top of your head so hard, I'll drive your head down into your ribs. When you open your eyes, you'll think you're in jail.
[00:17:03] Unknown:
Figures, the cops. No. No. No. No. No. No. Come here. Come here. That's no. That's the referee. Stop. No more patrol wagons. No. No. No. That's the referee. That's the time I had to stand up. No. That's the referee. Alright, boys. Let's start the game. Let's start the game. Let's start the game. Let's start the game.
[00:17:20] Unknown:
Alright. Alright. Alright. Alright. He's here.
[00:17:26] Unknown:
Well, the game is about to start. Costello is kicking off to Gildersleeve and Costello's toe meets the big skin.
[00:17:32] Unknown:
Wait. Wait. Wait.
[00:17:34] Unknown:
Gee. That was a great kick, Costello. Gildersleeve's got the ball. Go ahead and tackle him. Okay. I got
[00:17:42] Unknown:
him. Tello, are you double jointed? No. Why? Then I think I broke your leg.
[00:17:49] Unknown:
The joke's on you. I always wear my leg in my back pocket. Hey. I don't like to wear you tickle, guilty. You mean tackle. You don't know your football. I mean tickle. You don't know your mustache.
[00:18:00] Unknown:
Come on, Dilly. Let's start the play. Right. Signals. 12, butt my shoe. 34, shut the door. Hike. Costello.
[00:18:08] Unknown:
Dilly's running around his own end. He's running around his own end? That's a neat trick if he can do
[00:18:15] Unknown:
it. The place, grab him. Come on, Jeff. Oh, ow.
[00:18:21] Unknown:
Referee. Referee.
[00:18:23] Unknown:
What is that?
[00:18:24] Unknown:
Did you see what happened?
[00:18:26] Unknown:
Yes. I did. And I penalized your 15 year old friend of Peron. Peron still just sneezed kicked me right in the bush.
[00:18:34] Unknown:
I don't believe it. You wouldn't do a thing like that, would you, Gildee? No, Uncle Ralph.
[00:18:42] Unknown:
Uncle Ralph, this is a frame up. Well, stop complaining, Costello. It's your turn to carry the ball. Now let's see you make a touchdown. Okay. Yeah. But watch me. One, two. What comes after two? Three. Oh, three. Yeah. Yeah. I knew he went to subnormal. Brook, I'll call the signal. +1, 234.
[00:19:03] Unknown:
Say, Gastel, what comes after 4? 6. No. It's 5.
[00:19:07] Unknown:
Oh, how do you know? I got my shoes off. I'm counting on my toes.
[00:19:11] Unknown:
Get ready then. Signal. +1, 2345.
[00:19:16] Unknown:
Hi.
[00:19:17] Unknown:
Oh, boy. I got the ball out of it. One tackler down. Two tacklers. Three tacklers. I'm gonna make a touchdown, Abbot. No. You won't, Priscilla. I'm right back of you.
[00:19:26] Unknown:
I got you.
[00:19:28] Unknown:
Uh-oh. Uh-oh. Abbot. We can't lose now. Why not? I'm out in the open.
[00:19:41] Unknown:
Wings are here. Oh, from No. I'd never order from anymore. Popeye's now has wings in five flavors. Ghost pepper, roasted garlic sweet and spicy, signature hot, and honey barbecue, marinated in Louisiana spices, hand battered and flipped. Makes no sense. They're $5.99 for six pieces. Taste them.
[00:19:58] Unknown:
Crunchy outside. And juicy inside. Consider me a convert.
[00:20:03] Unknown:
That's the most romantic thing you've said to me all month. We don't make sense. We make chicken. Go get chicken from potwise. Price may vary.
