In this lively episode, we dive into a comedic skit featuring the classic duo, Abbott and Costello. The episode kicks off with a humorous exchange about Costello's unusual bath-time attire and quickly escalates into a series of misunderstandings about cows, butlers, and social etiquette. As Costello prepares for a dinner party with the glamorous movie star Lynn Barry, chaos ensues with a mix-up involving a butler and a series of hilarious verbal exchanges with various characters, including the polished Arthur Treacher. The dialogue is filled with witty wordplay and classic slapstick humor that keeps the audience entertained throughout.
As the episode unfolds, Costello's attempts to impress Lynn Barry are thwarted by a series of comedic mishaps, including a misunderstanding with a butler agency and a humorous encounter with Mrs. Niles. The episode culminates in a comedic lesson on romance, with Costello receiving advice on how to woo Lynn Barry, only to end up in a humorous predicament involving a kiss with Mrs. Niles. This episode is a delightful throwback to classic comedy, showcasing the timeless humor of Abbott and Costello.
(01:00) A Flight with Chumba Casino
(01:35) Costello's Bathtub Antics
(04:14) The Search for a Butler
(09:14) Hiring Challenges and Misunderstandings
(14:14) Arthur Treacher's Inspection
(18:10) Costello's Love for Lynn Barry
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[00:00:00]
Unknown:
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Castello, what are you doing in the bathtub? What do you think I'm doing? I'm taking a bath. What are you doing with your underwear on? The water's cold. Oh, will you get out of that tub and put your bathrobe on? I've got the bathrobe on now. You're wearing your bathrobe in the tub. Yeah. I don't wanna get my suit wet. Oh, wait a minute. What are you doing in the bathtub on Thursday night? Yeah. But I forgot to tell you. But Lynn Barrett, a beautiful movie star, is coming here for dinner, and I'm gonna have a big swanky party. Oh, are you expecting people? Certainly, I'm expecting people. What do you think I'm gonna do? Have a block of cows?
Not block. Herd. Heard what? Herd of cows. Of course, I heard of cows. I don't know, believe. I mean, a cow herd. Well, I can't have a cow herd. I just say not to be ashamed of. Alright. Alright. Let's say no more about cows, please. I'm not in the mood. What mood? A cow mood. Who cares if a cow mood? Can you watch it for little kitten? Alright. Look. Look. Forget about the cows. You don't know anything about cows in the first place. Who's that? Wait a minute. Do you know what a cow gives? No. A cow gives milk. No. She don't. You gotta take it away from her. I already understand. That's the first thing you've said right. You take the milk from the cow's udder.
I beg your pardon? The cow's udder. The cow's udder what? Costello, you take the milk from under the cow. You mean the crankcase. So that's the that's the thing that's fashioned to the cow's skin. Not hold on. No. No. Not skin. Hide. Why should I hide? I didn't do nothing. No. No. No. No. Hide on the cow. How am I gonna hide on a cow? A cow on top of a cow. Just a minute. Please listen to me. Hide. Hide. A cow's outside.
[00:03:15] Unknown:
Bring her in. Let her listen to the program. Oh, what's the
[00:03:19] Unknown:
Wait a minute. Quiet. Here comes Tim and missus Nigh. Oh, hello, you rabbit. You too, Costello. Are you surprised to see me? No, ma'am. I was expecting a cow.
[00:03:30] Unknown:
What? I don't I mean, another kind of a cow. What? Another kind of a cow. Oh, Costello. I'm not a cow. I'm not going to talk to you anymore.
[00:03:39] Unknown:
Woah. Will you stop that, Costello? That's no way to insult missus Nyle. You know a better way? Now just a second, Costello. I'm getting red in the face. Where are you getting the blood? Oh,
[00:03:53] Unknown:
are you calling my Kenneth anemic? Right. Just look how grim he is in that blue suit. Why, he looks like Dainberg's
[00:03:59] Unknown:
blue boy. He looks more like Ginsberg's bellboy. Pretty shade of blue, ain't it?
[00:04:06] Unknown:
You're a fine one to talk, Fat Dough. Me, Fat? I just dropped 20 pounds. Drop it poor enough.
[00:04:12] Unknown:
Oh, now let's stop fighting, please. Missus, Niles, Costello invited Lynn Barry to the house, and he needs some help with dinner. Oh, well, I might be able to help. I've been cooking for twelve years. You ought to be well done by now. You know where we we can get one from? Well, then my uncle runs an employment agency. Well, that's fine. Here's the address. Just go over there and ask for my uncle. Oh, that's very nice, missus Niles. What's his name? You go. Ask for it. Yes, ma'am. I go. But who do I ask for? She told you, you go. I know I go, but I gotta ask for somebody.
[00:04:49] Unknown:
Well, I told you to see my uncle. Uncle what? You go. Now don't say that again.
[00:04:54] Unknown:
Don't tell me I go. Stop saying I go when missus Niles says you go. Alright. You go and I won't have to go.
[00:05:01] Unknown:
Scott Kelly, you don't understand. My uncle's first name is Hugo. Oh, why do you say that in the first place? What's his last name? Guess it. Why should I?
[00:05:09] Unknown:
Why why should you what? Guess his name. She didn't tell you to guess his name. Missus Niles, can you tell me his name as you go? Yeah. What's his last name? I said guess it. That's what I thought you said.
[00:05:20] Unknown:
Is it Murphy? No. Is it Jones or Smith? No. No, Costello. Guess it. Costello, I told you for the last time. You go guess it. You go guess it. Jump at a lake. No. No. No. Close and all. I'll do nothing of a kind. Come, Teller.
[00:05:34] Unknown:
Well, Costello, they're mad again. Now you've burned your bridges behind you. That's okay. I won't show with my codex. Oh, come on, nonsense. You gotta have a butler for the party. Now, here's missus Niles' uncle's card. Call him up. Boy, this sure is for a a funny phone number. What does it say? Established nineteen o three. That isn't that isn't a phone number. Drive him on a car. Nothing of the kind. That's the year he started the employment agent. He founded it in nineteen o three. Oh, he founded it the business? Who lost it? Nobody lost it. But how could he founded it if he didn't lost it in it? Costello. I said he founded it. Can I help you if you don't speak good English? Yeah. Costello, please. You should be ashamed of yourself. Mister and missus Niles were kind enough to tell you where you could hire a butler. I was, kind enough to explain how to contact the man. But did you appreciate it? No.
All you do is stand there and give me silly answers. Oh, I'm my bad boy. And you you certainly are. Don't tell my scout master, Ami. Well, I I should. Oh, if you do, he'll take away my scout pin. Here you have it. Anything but that. I have one pin for courtesy. I got one pin for bravery and one for safety. Wait a minute. I can see the pin for courtesy and the pin for bravery. Where's the pin for safety? It's pulling my pants up. No. Alright. Come on, Costello. Uh-huh. So you go guess an employment He is right down this hall. Now let me handle this, and I'll get you a butler. Look at it. I'm just expecting one, Barry. Why do I need a butler? But a butler in your house will make you more stable. Stable? Certainly. Just picture a butler in his livery. What I got, a house or a livery stable? Did I? You don't understand. He'll make you distinctive. He'll give your house a certain air. What am I hiring? A brother or a star? Oh, come on. Shut up now. Come on in the employment aid. So you let me do the talking, please. Oh, You've gotta get me a maid. My maid quit today after fifteen years.
[00:07:35] Unknown:
I lost my maid.
[00:07:37] Unknown:
I lost my maid. Hey, mister. Mister. Why did your maid leave? She caught me kissing my wife. Costello, please. Never mind him. Let's talk to the clerk at the desk. How do you do it, gentlemen? What can I do for you? Well, I'd like to hire a butler. You'd like to hire a butler?
[00:07:58] Unknown:
Oh, you mad, impetuous boy. Oh, you mad, impetuous boy. Oh, you mad, impetuous boy. Oh, you mad, impetuous boy. Oh, you mad, impetuous boy. Oh, you mad, impetuous boy.
[00:08:05] Unknown:
Alright, brother. Don't knock yourself out. I just wanna hire a butler. You just wanna hire a butler. What am I laughing at? I mean Oh, you fool. Why don't you ask me for a date with my wife? Okay. But one thing at a time. Now I have to ask you a few questions on my file. First of all, do you work in a defense plan? No. I don't. And how can you afford a butler? Do you own any steel mill? No. Polo ponies? No. Steam chip company? No. I'm in a rut, ain't I? Now listen, Greg. We're in a great hurry. You haven't you got a butter we can hire? Well, there is one, Judson. But right now, he's over there. Mister Morgan built a millionaire is talking to him. Now listen, Judson. I'll give you five nights a week off and a thousand dollars a week. Alright. Make it seven nights a week off. I'll give you my car. I'll do your laundry. Alright. You're hired.
Now please stop twisting my arm. Nobody's looking. Lucky fellow, he's got a butler just by a twist of a wrist. Good luck. Clark, this isn't helping us. We've got to have a butler. Lynn Barry, the movie star, is coming to dinner tonight. Lynn Barry coming to dinner? Oh, so you'll be putting on the dog? No. We're having roast beef. What kind of talk is that? Come with me and see our manager, mister Nazaro. Come right this way. Mister Nazaro? Yes? This is mister Abbott, mister Costello. Costello would like to hire a butler. You wanna hire a butler? Good heavens, man. Don't you realize that butlers can't harass his salary to eat, and he can't reach the self from or convince his self delivered or to surveilate meat? It isn't that water vapor, the boss of salarated paint his boss for the railroad's salary. And maybe he'll be reclassified.
You don't understand, foot brown. Didn't you tell mister Costello that the castle race is tall and that my spine hasn't got any thoughts? And didn't you tell him that the reason's celebration is with the Homer's sword? Didn't you tell him that? Yes. I did. You didn't say that, brother. Now don't interrupt the man. That's right. I'm trying to show you that that's the wrong place to make. Now not just the cashmere or rain will fall in sort of a granite made. You get the picture I'm painting? Yeah. But just smeared it up in the middle. Costello's trying to tell you that today most people aren't doing their own work. Even Cary Grant washes at his house. Yes, Costello. Do you wash? Surely I wash. What do you think I am, a slob?
No. No. All the picture stars are washing. I passed Ann Sheridan's house yesterday, and I saw her washing her for. And even a little gibbitty bit of soap recovery, Don't you wash your twang until photons in the door? I do, but the buttons break off. Never mind your button. Never mind my buttons. What do you want me to do? Be a pinup boy? Mister Costello, let me ask you a question. When you had your last butler, did you pay him Babadidit? No. I only paid him Babadidit. Why didn't you pay him Babadidit? Because she didn't, did it. Look, Costello, now let's not get nasty. I'm trying to tell you there's a shortage of men. Butlers today aren't just a cat for force with artillery. Just the grails. Even.
I know. Why even my butler cats have lost the trade. I tried. I said you governors. Did you ever sell the force of me? Bring my hundred. Bring my satanathe. Bring my coterie. Bring my corsets. And he's already living in the mailer face. You see what I mean? Frankly, I'm a little confused. Why don't you pay attention to the man then? That's what's confusing me. Well, I could put it another way. You could, but would you? Now just a minute. You can't come in here and tell me how to cater off his salary of a hawk or even horse a wicket. When you know that I'm the only one in classic state of what do you think I am, a captain? It's men like you that cast your boss's house who'll have everybody call for the military base and they're the hitting engine.
Puddlety Tuttle.
[00:12:17] Unknown:
Puddlety Tuttle? That doesn't make sense. That don't make sense.
[00:12:21] Unknown:
Of course, it does. It definitely does not. Of all the ridiculous things I've ever heard in my life, it's puddle d duddle. Alright, brother. What would you have said? I have said miss St. Paul's get to sit down. It's a killer baby in the moment.
[00:12:35] Unknown:
That's the word I've been trying to speak of. Get out of here.
[00:12:40] Unknown:
Well, Castello, come here. What are you going to do? Here it is the night of your big party for Lynn Barry, and you haven't got a butler. Yes. But we did get a cook. Now I'll call up the kitchen to tell her what to do. I beg your pardon what you say now. Hello, kitchen? This is mister Costello. I wanna talk to my cook, missus Blank. What? She did at 04:00 in the morning? Wow. How much did it weigh? Nine pounds at her age too. How do you like that, Abbot? Missus Blank, get up at 04:00 this morning and ate a nine pound turkey. No. I never heard of Prassello.
Hey, Prassello. That must be Lynn Barry. Lynn? Don't get excited. I'll take it easy. I like her because she's I like it because she's a big girl. I know. I know. Don't get excited. Boy, your boy at last. I'll go to the door. 50 pounds of ice for missus Smith. Missus Smith lives next door. Do you mind if I leave it here? Her husband's home. Right. I just her husband don't like ice. Oh, look. Oh, that was a piperoo. Well, Costello, you better forget about Lynn Barry. I I don't think she's coming. Oh, no? I bet that's her now. Prepare love us for me. Hull in. Hull in, my darling. My precious one. My loved one. My own little Snooki. I love you.
Boy, oh, boy, have I got the wrong number. I can't stand this waiting. I'm losing my mind. Oh, behave yourself. You're not losing your mind any more than I am. That's close enough. Yeah. Abbott, this must be Lindvari. I'll answer it. Darling, come into my arm. I say, aren't you a bit high strung, old boy? Pastello, look who it is. It's Arthur Treacher. And, Mr. Treacher? Now ask my line. Please. Please. I just want to find out it's professional business. That's right. How do you do Find out if he is a lifesaver. You know what I mean? No. No. No. Thank you. How do you do, Mr. Treacher? I'm not Abbott, and this is Lou Costello. I'm glad you told me. I thought it was cabbage cooking.
Now wait a minute, Treacher. The only reason I don't poke you in an ocean is because I'm bigger than you. It so happens that I'm bigger than you. That's a better reason. No. Look, mister Treacher. Don't mind, Costello. He was expecting, Lynn Barry, and he's down in the dumps. Yes. That's where she told me I'd find him. Now wait a minute, Treacher. Mister Treacher to you, punk. Mister punk to you, preacher. Now stop that, Gustave. I wanna know what he's doing here. What are you doing here, Shorty? All your information, you poisonous person. I am miss Barry's butler. Before she sets one day to put in this hovel, I wish to inspect the premises, the service, and the food here.
Here? Yes. Yeah. Oh, dear. Now, There's a reason to Yes. Yes. Yes. Don't talk like that. I hear you. Yes. Lou, don't you understand? Well, don't you understand you? Somebody better talk beside me. No. Wait a minute. Come here, Lord. Don't you understand? He's English. He's, he's English? Yeah. If he was any more English, he couldn't talk at all. I am never here. But I I love it. I love it. Look here, preacher. Who are you to come in here and question costillers or facial standing? After all, I sprang from nobility. And you didn't speak. No.
[00:16:40] Unknown:
No. No. No. No. No. No. No. You didn't speak.
[00:16:43] Unknown:
I'll have you know that my family is very prominent socially. My father has a country seat in Wembley and a city seat in Devonshire. Your father has two seats? Yes. Does Ripley know about it? Alright. Costello, be careful how you talk to mister Treacher. Don't you stop talking like that, buddy? Now wait a minute, please. Make it more pronounceable, Costello. Alright. Alright. Costello. That's better. Be careful how you talk to mister Treacher. He's a polished gentleman. Sounds like he's a shellac. Do you not understand? Look here. I'm from eating. You're from hunger. You're impossible. You're absolutely impossible.
Hey. You're nuts. I am. Over here. No. No. No. No. No. Mister mister Reeves is an educated man. He's a linguist. Yeah. You told me he was English before. Yes. A linguist. Linguist. What's the difference between linguist and English? Never mind. Three permanent I can't tell you a word anyway. When you Yes. Perhaps I can make you understand his strength. Yeah. You might as well know it, old boy. I'll never permit miss Barry to attend your dinner. Oh, yeah? There's miss Barry now. Hello, Lynn, my darling. Oh, it's me. Missus Niles, am I late? Yeah. For about forty years. What is this witch's night out? Costello, please. Boy, are you sure? Get around. What do you got? A c card for your broom?
Oh, stop, Costello. Mister Treacher Yeah. I'd like to have you meet, mister and missus Ken Nyle. Which one is missus Niles?
[00:18:43] Unknown:
Now wait a minute. What? I don't go for that. Not a lie. After all, which one is missus Niles? These people are friends of mine.
[00:18:54] Unknown:
All of them are prince of mine. Which one is mister and missus Niles? How do you like that, Abbot? Good. Good for you, Costello. You keep on at this, Kenneth.
[00:19:07] Unknown:
Kenneth, Are you Kenneth, are you gonna stand for this? Costello is trying to make a man out of me and a woman out of you.
[00:19:15] Unknown:
Maybe we'd be happier that way. Will you please stop those fights? I've heard enough, Costello. I could never allow miss Barrett to associate with an illiterate like you. Cheat, preacher. Don't keep Winberry away from my house. You don't seem to really know me. I don't seem to really know you? You confident little corporal. You realize you just did an infinitive? Why? Does it show No, you dummy. He's correcting your grammar. You made a mistake. Who made a mistake? Now listen here, mister Treacher. When the adjective modifies the predicate adverb, then the pronoun of the subjunctive mood modifies the dangling participle, leaving the infinitive on split.
Do you know what I mean, Treacher? Certainly. Then explain it to me. Costello, you're not going to get Lynn Barry this way. You know that. Gee, mister Treacher, I gotta have Lynn Barry here. I'm in love with her. She's my whole life. She means everything to me. I gotta have her. I can't live without her. Does she really mean that much to you? Yeah. She's the only one that can string my yo yo. Very well, she means that much to you. Let me see how you'd make love to her. Now just imagine that missus Niles here is Lynn Berry. What an imagination you've got, brother. Do what the man says. Take missus Niles in your arms and kiss her. Home. I've been in my whole life. I I've only been kissed by two parties. Yes, ma'am. The Democrats and the Republicans.
That's enough. I thank you, mother. For this, come here, my proud beauty. Oh, I'm not proud. You're no beauty eater. Well, Kisteler, what are you waiting for? Go ahead and kiss her. Not me, creature. If you know so much, you kiss her. I kiss her. Oh, look. Here, that is I mean, I really don't win. I mean, honestly, you can't really Oh, what have you got to lose? There'll there'll always be an England? Oh, come on, miss. Over here. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Go ahead. Go ahead. Now, mister Treacher, you show Costello the proper approach to kiss Lynn Barry. Take missus Niles in your arm. Alright. I'll do it. I have her in the arm. You put your face What do I do now? You put your face next to hers. Yes. Now you're cheap to cheat. From where I'm standing, it looks like a dead heat at Bay Meadows. Quiet.
Now, now what do I do? Now, Treacher, you kiss her. And now what do I do? Give her back her teeth.
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Ramp Com / easy. R e m p Com / easy. Currents issued by Sutton Bank and Celtic Bank members of the IC terms and conditions apply. Hello. It is Ryan, and I was on a flight the other day playing one of my favorite social spin slot games on chumbacasino.com.
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Castello, what are you doing in the bathtub? What do you think I'm doing? I'm taking a bath. What are you doing with your underwear on? The water's cold. Oh, will you get out of that tub and put your bathrobe on? I've got the bathrobe on now. You're wearing your bathrobe in the tub. Yeah. I don't wanna get my suit wet. Oh, wait a minute. What are you doing in the bathtub on Thursday night? Yeah. But I forgot to tell you. But Lynn Barrett, a beautiful movie star, is coming here for dinner, and I'm gonna have a big swanky party. Oh, are you expecting people? Certainly, I'm expecting people. What do you think I'm gonna do? Have a block of cows?
Not block. Herd. Heard what? Herd of cows. Of course, I heard of cows. I don't know, believe. I mean, a cow herd. Well, I can't have a cow herd. I just say not to be ashamed of. Alright. Alright. Let's say no more about cows, please. I'm not in the mood. What mood? A cow mood. Who cares if a cow mood? Can you watch it for little kitten? Alright. Look. Look. Forget about the cows. You don't know anything about cows in the first place. Who's that? Wait a minute. Do you know what a cow gives? No. A cow gives milk. No. She don't. You gotta take it away from her. I already understand. That's the first thing you've said right. You take the milk from the cow's udder.
I beg your pardon? The cow's udder. The cow's udder what? Costello, you take the milk from under the cow. You mean the crankcase. So that's the that's the thing that's fashioned to the cow's skin. Not hold on. No. No. Not skin. Hide. Why should I hide? I didn't do nothing. No. No. No. No. Hide on the cow. How am I gonna hide on a cow? A cow on top of a cow. Just a minute. Please listen to me. Hide. Hide. A cow's outside.
[00:03:15] Unknown:
Bring her in. Let her listen to the program. Oh, what's the
[00:03:19] Unknown:
Wait a minute. Quiet. Here comes Tim and missus Nigh. Oh, hello, you rabbit. You too, Costello. Are you surprised to see me? No, ma'am. I was expecting a cow.
[00:03:30] Unknown:
What? I don't I mean, another kind of a cow. What? Another kind of a cow. Oh, Costello. I'm not a cow. I'm not going to talk to you anymore.
[00:03:39] Unknown:
Woah. Will you stop that, Costello? That's no way to insult missus Nyle. You know a better way? Now just a second, Costello. I'm getting red in the face. Where are you getting the blood? Oh,
[00:03:53] Unknown:
are you calling my Kenneth anemic? Right. Just look how grim he is in that blue suit. Why, he looks like Dainberg's
[00:03:59] Unknown:
blue boy. He looks more like Ginsberg's bellboy. Pretty shade of blue, ain't it?
[00:04:06] Unknown:
You're a fine one to talk, Fat Dough. Me, Fat? I just dropped 20 pounds. Drop it poor enough.
[00:04:12] Unknown:
Oh, now let's stop fighting, please. Missus, Niles, Costello invited Lynn Barry to the house, and he needs some help with dinner. Oh, well, I might be able to help. I've been cooking for twelve years. You ought to be well done by now. You know where we we can get one from? Well, then my uncle runs an employment agency. Well, that's fine. Here's the address. Just go over there and ask for my uncle. Oh, that's very nice, missus Niles. What's his name? You go. Ask for it. Yes, ma'am. I go. But who do I ask for? She told you, you go. I know I go, but I gotta ask for somebody.
[00:04:49] Unknown:
Well, I told you to see my uncle. Uncle what? You go. Now don't say that again.
[00:04:54] Unknown:
Don't tell me I go. Stop saying I go when missus Niles says you go. Alright. You go and I won't have to go.
[00:05:01] Unknown:
Scott Kelly, you don't understand. My uncle's first name is Hugo. Oh, why do you say that in the first place? What's his last name? Guess it. Why should I?
[00:05:09] Unknown:
Why why should you what? Guess his name. She didn't tell you to guess his name. Missus Niles, can you tell me his name as you go? Yeah. What's his last name? I said guess it. That's what I thought you said.
[00:05:20] Unknown:
Is it Murphy? No. Is it Jones or Smith? No. No, Costello. Guess it. Costello, I told you for the last time. You go guess it. You go guess it. Jump at a lake. No. No. No. Close and all. I'll do nothing of a kind. Come, Teller.
[00:05:34] Unknown:
Well, Costello, they're mad again. Now you've burned your bridges behind you. That's okay. I won't show with my codex. Oh, come on, nonsense. You gotta have a butler for the party. Now, here's missus Niles' uncle's card. Call him up. Boy, this sure is for a a funny phone number. What does it say? Established nineteen o three. That isn't that isn't a phone number. Drive him on a car. Nothing of the kind. That's the year he started the employment agent. He founded it in nineteen o three. Oh, he founded it the business? Who lost it? Nobody lost it. But how could he founded it if he didn't lost it in it? Costello. I said he founded it. Can I help you if you don't speak good English? Yeah. Costello, please. You should be ashamed of yourself. Mister and missus Niles were kind enough to tell you where you could hire a butler. I was, kind enough to explain how to contact the man. But did you appreciate it? No.
All you do is stand there and give me silly answers. Oh, I'm my bad boy. And you you certainly are. Don't tell my scout master, Ami. Well, I I should. Oh, if you do, he'll take away my scout pin. Here you have it. Anything but that. I have one pin for courtesy. I got one pin for bravery and one for safety. Wait a minute. I can see the pin for courtesy and the pin for bravery. Where's the pin for safety? It's pulling my pants up. No. Alright. Come on, Costello. Uh-huh. So you go guess an employment He is right down this hall. Now let me handle this, and I'll get you a butler. Look at it. I'm just expecting one, Barry. Why do I need a butler? But a butler in your house will make you more stable. Stable? Certainly. Just picture a butler in his livery. What I got, a house or a livery stable? Did I? You don't understand. He'll make you distinctive. He'll give your house a certain air. What am I hiring? A brother or a star? Oh, come on. Shut up now. Come on in the employment aid. So you let me do the talking, please. Oh, You've gotta get me a maid. My maid quit today after fifteen years.
[00:07:35] Unknown:
I lost my maid.
[00:07:37] Unknown:
I lost my maid. Hey, mister. Mister. Why did your maid leave? She caught me kissing my wife. Costello, please. Never mind him. Let's talk to the clerk at the desk. How do you do it, gentlemen? What can I do for you? Well, I'd like to hire a butler. You'd like to hire a butler?
[00:07:58] Unknown:
Oh, you mad, impetuous boy. Oh, you mad, impetuous boy. Oh, you mad, impetuous boy. Oh, you mad, impetuous boy. Oh, you mad, impetuous boy. Oh, you mad, impetuous boy.
[00:08:05] Unknown:
Alright, brother. Don't knock yourself out. I just wanna hire a butler. You just wanna hire a butler. What am I laughing at? I mean Oh, you fool. Why don't you ask me for a date with my wife? Okay. But one thing at a time. Now I have to ask you a few questions on my file. First of all, do you work in a defense plan? No. I don't. And how can you afford a butler? Do you own any steel mill? No. Polo ponies? No. Steam chip company? No. I'm in a rut, ain't I? Now listen, Greg. We're in a great hurry. You haven't you got a butter we can hire? Well, there is one, Judson. But right now, he's over there. Mister Morgan built a millionaire is talking to him. Now listen, Judson. I'll give you five nights a week off and a thousand dollars a week. Alright. Make it seven nights a week off. I'll give you my car. I'll do your laundry. Alright. You're hired.
Now please stop twisting my arm. Nobody's looking. Lucky fellow, he's got a butler just by a twist of a wrist. Good luck. Clark, this isn't helping us. We've got to have a butler. Lynn Barry, the movie star, is coming to dinner tonight. Lynn Barry coming to dinner? Oh, so you'll be putting on the dog? No. We're having roast beef. What kind of talk is that? Come with me and see our manager, mister Nazaro. Come right this way. Mister Nazaro? Yes? This is mister Abbott, mister Costello. Costello would like to hire a butler. You wanna hire a butler? Good heavens, man. Don't you realize that butlers can't harass his salary to eat, and he can't reach the self from or convince his self delivered or to surveilate meat? It isn't that water vapor, the boss of salarated paint his boss for the railroad's salary. And maybe he'll be reclassified.
You don't understand, foot brown. Didn't you tell mister Costello that the castle race is tall and that my spine hasn't got any thoughts? And didn't you tell him that the reason's celebration is with the Homer's sword? Didn't you tell him that? Yes. I did. You didn't say that, brother. Now don't interrupt the man. That's right. I'm trying to show you that that's the wrong place to make. Now not just the cashmere or rain will fall in sort of a granite made. You get the picture I'm painting? Yeah. But just smeared it up in the middle. Costello's trying to tell you that today most people aren't doing their own work. Even Cary Grant washes at his house. Yes, Costello. Do you wash? Surely I wash. What do you think I am, a slob?
No. No. All the picture stars are washing. I passed Ann Sheridan's house yesterday, and I saw her washing her for. And even a little gibbitty bit of soap recovery, Don't you wash your twang until photons in the door? I do, but the buttons break off. Never mind your button. Never mind my buttons. What do you want me to do? Be a pinup boy? Mister Costello, let me ask you a question. When you had your last butler, did you pay him Babadidit? No. I only paid him Babadidit. Why didn't you pay him Babadidit? Because she didn't, did it. Look, Costello, now let's not get nasty. I'm trying to tell you there's a shortage of men. Butlers today aren't just a cat for force with artillery. Just the grails. Even.
I know. Why even my butler cats have lost the trade. I tried. I said you governors. Did you ever sell the force of me? Bring my hundred. Bring my satanathe. Bring my coterie. Bring my corsets. And he's already living in the mailer face. You see what I mean? Frankly, I'm a little confused. Why don't you pay attention to the man then? That's what's confusing me. Well, I could put it another way. You could, but would you? Now just a minute. You can't come in here and tell me how to cater off his salary of a hawk or even horse a wicket. When you know that I'm the only one in classic state of what do you think I am, a captain? It's men like you that cast your boss's house who'll have everybody call for the military base and they're the hitting engine.
Puddlety Tuttle.
[00:12:17] Unknown:
Puddlety Tuttle? That doesn't make sense. That don't make sense.
[00:12:21] Unknown:
Of course, it does. It definitely does not. Of all the ridiculous things I've ever heard in my life, it's puddle d duddle. Alright, brother. What would you have said? I have said miss St. Paul's get to sit down. It's a killer baby in the moment.
[00:12:35] Unknown:
That's the word I've been trying to speak of. Get out of here.
[00:12:40] Unknown:
Well, Castello, come here. What are you going to do? Here it is the night of your big party for Lynn Barry, and you haven't got a butler. Yes. But we did get a cook. Now I'll call up the kitchen to tell her what to do. I beg your pardon what you say now. Hello, kitchen? This is mister Costello. I wanna talk to my cook, missus Blank. What? She did at 04:00 in the morning? Wow. How much did it weigh? Nine pounds at her age too. How do you like that, Abbot? Missus Blank, get up at 04:00 this morning and ate a nine pound turkey. No. I never heard of Prassello.
Hey, Prassello. That must be Lynn Barry. Lynn? Don't get excited. I'll take it easy. I like her because she's I like it because she's a big girl. I know. I know. Don't get excited. Boy, your boy at last. I'll go to the door. 50 pounds of ice for missus Smith. Missus Smith lives next door. Do you mind if I leave it here? Her husband's home. Right. I just her husband don't like ice. Oh, look. Oh, that was a piperoo. Well, Costello, you better forget about Lynn Barry. I I don't think she's coming. Oh, no? I bet that's her now. Prepare love us for me. Hull in. Hull in, my darling. My precious one. My loved one. My own little Snooki. I love you.
Boy, oh, boy, have I got the wrong number. I can't stand this waiting. I'm losing my mind. Oh, behave yourself. You're not losing your mind any more than I am. That's close enough. Yeah. Abbott, this must be Lindvari. I'll answer it. Darling, come into my arm. I say, aren't you a bit high strung, old boy? Pastello, look who it is. It's Arthur Treacher. And, Mr. Treacher? Now ask my line. Please. Please. I just want to find out it's professional business. That's right. How do you do Find out if he is a lifesaver. You know what I mean? No. No. No. Thank you. How do you do, Mr. Treacher? I'm not Abbott, and this is Lou Costello. I'm glad you told me. I thought it was cabbage cooking.
Now wait a minute, Treacher. The only reason I don't poke you in an ocean is because I'm bigger than you. It so happens that I'm bigger than you. That's a better reason. No. Look, mister Treacher. Don't mind, Costello. He was expecting, Lynn Barry, and he's down in the dumps. Yes. That's where she told me I'd find him. Now wait a minute, Treacher. Mister Treacher to you, punk. Mister punk to you, preacher. Now stop that, Gustave. I wanna know what he's doing here. What are you doing here, Shorty? All your information, you poisonous person. I am miss Barry's butler. Before she sets one day to put in this hovel, I wish to inspect the premises, the service, and the food here.
Here? Yes. Yeah. Oh, dear. Now, There's a reason to Yes. Yes. Yes. Don't talk like that. I hear you. Yes. Lou, don't you understand? Well, don't you understand you? Somebody better talk beside me. No. Wait a minute. Come here, Lord. Don't you understand? He's English. He's, he's English? Yeah. If he was any more English, he couldn't talk at all. I am never here. But I I love it. I love it. Look here, preacher. Who are you to come in here and question costillers or facial standing? After all, I sprang from nobility. And you didn't speak. No.
[00:16:40] Unknown:
No. No. No. No. No. No. No. You didn't speak.
[00:16:43] Unknown:
I'll have you know that my family is very prominent socially. My father has a country seat in Wembley and a city seat in Devonshire. Your father has two seats? Yes. Does Ripley know about it? Alright. Costello, be careful how you talk to mister Treacher. Don't you stop talking like that, buddy? Now wait a minute, please. Make it more pronounceable, Costello. Alright. Alright. Costello. That's better. Be careful how you talk to mister Treacher. He's a polished gentleman. Sounds like he's a shellac. Do you not understand? Look here. I'm from eating. You're from hunger. You're impossible. You're absolutely impossible.
Hey. You're nuts. I am. Over here. No. No. No. No. No. Mister mister Reeves is an educated man. He's a linguist. Yeah. You told me he was English before. Yes. A linguist. Linguist. What's the difference between linguist and English? Never mind. Three permanent I can't tell you a word anyway. When you Yes. Perhaps I can make you understand his strength. Yeah. You might as well know it, old boy. I'll never permit miss Barry to attend your dinner. Oh, yeah? There's miss Barry now. Hello, Lynn, my darling. Oh, it's me. Missus Niles, am I late? Yeah. For about forty years. What is this witch's night out? Costello, please. Boy, are you sure? Get around. What do you got? A c card for your broom?
Oh, stop, Costello. Mister Treacher Yeah. I'd like to have you meet, mister and missus Ken Nyle. Which one is missus Niles?
[00:18:43] Unknown:
Now wait a minute. What? I don't go for that. Not a lie. After all, which one is missus Niles? These people are friends of mine.
[00:18:54] Unknown:
All of them are prince of mine. Which one is mister and missus Niles? How do you like that, Abbot? Good. Good for you, Costello. You keep on at this, Kenneth.
[00:19:07] Unknown:
Kenneth, Are you Kenneth, are you gonna stand for this? Costello is trying to make a man out of me and a woman out of you.
[00:19:15] Unknown:
Maybe we'd be happier that way. Will you please stop those fights? I've heard enough, Costello. I could never allow miss Barrett to associate with an illiterate like you. Cheat, preacher. Don't keep Winberry away from my house. You don't seem to really know me. I don't seem to really know you? You confident little corporal. You realize you just did an infinitive? Why? Does it show No, you dummy. He's correcting your grammar. You made a mistake. Who made a mistake? Now listen here, mister Treacher. When the adjective modifies the predicate adverb, then the pronoun of the subjunctive mood modifies the dangling participle, leaving the infinitive on split.
Do you know what I mean, Treacher? Certainly. Then explain it to me. Costello, you're not going to get Lynn Barry this way. You know that. Gee, mister Treacher, I gotta have Lynn Barry here. I'm in love with her. She's my whole life. She means everything to me. I gotta have her. I can't live without her. Does she really mean that much to you? Yeah. She's the only one that can string my yo yo. Very well, she means that much to you. Let me see how you'd make love to her. Now just imagine that missus Niles here is Lynn Berry. What an imagination you've got, brother. Do what the man says. Take missus Niles in your arms and kiss her. Home. I've been in my whole life. I I've only been kissed by two parties. Yes, ma'am. The Democrats and the Republicans.
That's enough. I thank you, mother. For this, come here, my proud beauty. Oh, I'm not proud. You're no beauty eater. Well, Kisteler, what are you waiting for? Go ahead and kiss her. Not me, creature. If you know so much, you kiss her. I kiss her. Oh, look. Here, that is I mean, I really don't win. I mean, honestly, you can't really Oh, what have you got to lose? There'll there'll always be an England? Oh, come on, miss. Over here. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Go ahead. Go ahead. Now, mister Treacher, you show Costello the proper approach to kiss Lynn Barry. Take missus Niles in your arm. Alright. I'll do it. I have her in the arm. You put your face What do I do now? You put your face next to hers. Yes. Now you're cheap to cheat. From where I'm standing, it looks like a dead heat at Bay Meadows. Quiet.
Now, now what do I do? Now, Treacher, you kiss her. And now what do I do? Give her back her teeth.
[00:22:05] Unknown:
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[00:22:07] Unknown:
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[00:22:19] Unknown:
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