In this hilarious episode, we dive into the comedic world of Abbott and Costello as they navigate the chaotic task of teaching Costello how to drive. The episode is filled with classic slapstick humor and witty exchanges, as Costello attempts to impress Marilyn Maxwell by giving her driving lessons, despite not having a car or a driver's license. The duo's antics lead them on a wild journey, filled with misunderstandings and comedic mishaps, as they try to rent a car and eventually end up in Mexico City in search of a $50 vehicle.
As the story unfolds, Costello's attempts to woo Marilyn with his driving skills take a turn for the worse, culminating in a disastrous driving lesson that leaves the car in ruins. The episode is a delightful mix of humor and chaos, showcasing Abbott and Costello's timeless comedic chemistry. With memorable lines and laugh-out-loud moments, this episode is a must-listen for fans of classic comedy.
(01:13) A Western Adventure with Abbott and Costello
(05:00) Marilyn Maxwell's Driving Lesson
(10:00) The Quest for a Car
(15:00) The Driver's License Fiasco
(19:00) A Romantic Drive Gone Wrong
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apply. Hey. Gusto. Gusto. Come over here. Where
[00:01:21] Unknown:
where in the world have you been? Hey, Evan. Well, I just come from the movies. They were showing a wild Bill Elliot question. I never saw so much shooting in my life. Oh, never mind that. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. How in the world did you get that big hole in your hat? I was sitting so close to the screen that while Bill Elliott mistook me for one of the wrestlers and I got hit by a stray bullet. Oh, you idiot. Why do you always go to those western movies? Because my next picture is gonna be a western, Abbott, and I'm gonna be a bad man. I can see myself now holding up the bank. I got a gun in each hand, a handkerchief tied across my nose. Why do you have the handkerchief tied across your nose? I may have to blow in a hurry. I, after I stick up the bank after I stick up the bank, I'll climb on my old faithful old sombrero, stick my six shooters into my holsteins, tie my chaps around my throat, twirl my corral over my head, and ride off into the old bandanas.
[00:02:12] Unknown:
Oh, wait a minute.
[00:02:14] Unknown:
What does that mean, Costello? How should I know? That's cowboy talk. That mean that should be some victim, Costello. Who's going to be your leading lady? Marilyn Maxwell. Marilyn. Dear old Marilyn. Marilyn plays the part of the richest girl in the West. She's got thousands of head of cattle. I know. And you try to win her just to get possession of her cattle. Shame on you, Abbot. Do I look like the kind of a guy that would marry a girl for a prime rib? Yeah. Lucky.
[00:02:38] Unknown:
Lucky,
[00:02:40] Unknown:
a nitwit.
[00:02:41] Unknown:
If If you want Meryl Maxwell to make a western fiction with you, why don't you why don't you make her the star? Do a classic western story. That's a great idea, Abbott. We'll film the story of Annie Oakley. Do you know the story? Certainly, I know it. Annie Oakley was a very famous girl. She was a very famous girl. Where was she born? She was she was Where was she born? Where was she born? She was born in the town of Wyoming that was named after her. The town of Bashful. Bashful? Bashful, Wyoming was named after Anne. Sure. Ain't you ever heard of Cheyenne? Cheyenne. Hello, Kevin. From now on, keep your big mouth shut because I gotta finish the story. Okay. Go ahead. Now one day when Annie was a little girl, she looked out the window, she saw a father shooting the sheriff, and he was scared. So she immediately sheriff was in jeopardy. Yes.
Could I have that again? I said the sheriff was in jeopardy. Yes. He was a jeopardy sheriff. Jeopardy. Boy, as I get out of that one, have it. Why don't you let me tell us? Now leave it out of here. Go on over to the craft music hall and show them what a real hunk of cheese looks like. Oh, no. No. Ahead with your story. Okay. Now one day Annie was eating a big bowl of cornflakes. Her father rushed in screaming, Annie, I found nuggets down by the creek. No. No. No. You mean he screamed, I found a bonanza. Yeah. He's he he screamed what? Bonanza. Bonanza. How do you like that? Now he's putting bonanza to scream on the cornflakes.
[00:04:01] Unknown:
Oh, you don't understand. You see, Lou, in the story, the father farm a bonanza and he split it with Annie. Yeah. They had a bonanza split.
[00:04:10] Unknown:
Yeah, bitch. Shut up.
[00:04:12] Unknown:
They're laughing before they're supposed to laugh. Now Annie decided to go prospecting, so she put a solid gold saddle on her horse and rode away. Wait a minute. And why did she ride on a solid gold saddle to go prospecting? Prospect? Because every time the horse hit a bump, she struck it rich. She struck
[00:04:28] Unknown:
oh, stop this silly stuff, Castell. You should be ashamed of yourself cooking up a ridiculous story like that for a picture to star Marilyn Maxwell. I'm sorry, Adam. You should be. But I love Marilyn. I was only trying to figure some way to make a hit with her. Well, I don't blame you, Lou. She she really is lovely. Why? I could fall for her myself. Abbott, at your age, you don't fall. You collapse.
[00:04:50] Unknown:
There's only one thing wrong with our romance habit. What is that? She's penny wise. Marilyn is penny wise? Yes. I ain't got a penny and she's wise to it. Oh.
[00:04:58] Unknown:
Oh, Louis. Louis Costello. Hey, look. It's Marilyn Maxwell.
[00:05:05] Unknown:
Oh, Louis. Louis, I wonder if you could come over to my house in the morning and take me out for a driving lesson. Oh, you bet. You have it. She loves me. Merlin, you do love me, don't you? See that you adore me. See that you're mad about me. Uh-huh. See that you think I'm wonderful, that you dream of me every night, that you think I'm adorable. Mhmm. And I'm the handsomest, sweetest, cutest, dearest little dumpling in the world? Mhmm. Oh, Marilyn. You say the nicest things.
[00:05:33] Unknown:
Well, I've got to go now. Don't forget, Louis. Tomorrow, you're going to take me for a driving lesson. Goodbye.
[00:05:40] Unknown:
Oh, Abbot. Isn't she wonderful? She gets so much out of a goodbye.
[00:05:45] Unknown:
I don't know. She's not the only saying on the beach. But she says goodbye?
[00:05:48] Unknown:
That sense to me. She's not the only saint on the beach to me. Yes. But she's so nicely piled. I asked you. You idiot.
[00:05:57] Unknown:
Why did you promise to give her a driving lesson? You you don't even have a driver's license yourself. I don't need one of it. I haven't even got a car. And another thing, no car? No. This is terrible, Abbot. You gotta help me out. How can I teach Myrtle to drive without a car? Don't get excited. I'll stick to you and help you out. We we'll just have to rent a car. When can we get one? You drive. Me drive? No. You drive. I said I drive. You don't drive it. I drive it. Drive what? You drive. Why should I drive when you wanna drive? I'm going to drive. Look, Costello. I'm renting a you drive and I drive it. Then we both drive. No. No. We do nothing of the kind. I drive. When I say you drive, I don't mean you drive.
[00:06:35] Unknown:
I mean that I drive, although it's a you drive. Oh, when you say you drive, you don't mean me drive. You mean you drive because I don't drive. Now you've got it. Now I've got it. I don't even know what I'm talking about. Now look at it. You go to a place to rent a car. Yes. And you are driving the car? Yes. Where am I sitting? You are sitting right next to me. Is there a steering wheel in front of me? No. Then you're positive that I'm not driving. I'm positive. And you're driving the car? Yes. Alright. What kind of a car are you driving? You drive. Somebody better be driving the car. No. No. No.
[00:07:06] Unknown:
Look, I'm trying to explain this. We go out and we rent a car. Right. Where are we going to get it? You drive company. Now I drive company. I thought you, I, and Merlin were going all alone. You don't understand. It hurts you drive. Well, if it hurts you drive.
[00:07:23] Unknown:
Now that's right. That's right. This is getting worse. Don't you see? The head of the company's Hurts. That's too bad. What hurts them, Patrick?
[00:07:30] Unknown:
Nothing hurts them. Every company has a head. Naturally. Now this company's heads hurts. Then let them take an aspirin. Listen.
[00:07:38] Unknown:
Listen, Costello. It hurts you drive all over the country. If it hurts to drive all over the country, why should I drive Marilyn Maxwell and get hurt? Both of us is liable to get hurt. No. Bad. No. You won't. You won't get hurt. It's Hertz company. Hertz company? Yeah. But I don't wanna hurt nobody. Look at it. Will you go with me to Merlin's house tomorrow? Why? Well, her mother thinks I'm the biggest jerk in the world. So? I want her to get a good look at you.
[00:08:17] Unknown:
Well, Costello, since we couldn't rent a car, let's ask missus West Whitewash. You know missus Whitewash. She'll lend, lend you one of her cars. What do you say?
[00:08:26] Unknown:
Oh, good morning, miss Redis. Why aren't you a little old to be carrying a balloon?
[00:08:32] Unknown:
Oh, pardon me. It's Costello.
[00:08:35] Unknown:
Missus Whitwas, you really look sharp today. But isn't that a nod, dress you're wearing? Oh, it's just a little thing I wear to tease. Tease who? Forest collar?
[00:08:48] Unknown:
Miss missus Whitwas, Costello would like to borrow one of your cars. He has a date to teach Marilyn Maxwell to drive, and he wants to put on a big front, you know. Big front? Yeah.
[00:08:59] Unknown:
He better get a wheelbarrow to carry the one he's got now.
[00:09:06] Unknown:
Hello?
[00:09:08] Unknown:
Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello Oh, yeah? Well, maybe you ought to stand on your head and let the sand run back. I
[00:09:24] Unknown:
I'm shallow. Would you cut that out? Look, missus Whitwash, you're a kind lady. But just last night, I dreamed that you'd owe me one of your cars. Really?
[00:09:31] Unknown:
When you dream tonight, drive carefully.
[00:09:35] Unknown:
You know, Abbot, I got a sneaky feeling that she ain't gonna lend me your car. Oh, never mind her, Costello. We've gotta get a car. Hey. Look. Here comes Skinny Annis. Let's ask him. Hey, Skinny. I wonder if you would like to I know it, Costello. I ain't gonna lend you my car. How did you know I was gonna ask you? I read the script last night. So long, Betso.
[00:09:54] Unknown:
Abbott, remind me to get that skinny innocent back to Bob Hope. Never mind him. I just got six points. Never mind him. Now look, if you're going to teach Maryland to drive, there's only one thing to do. Buy a new car. Now look, Abbot. You know I ain't got enough money to buy a 1947 car. Oh, you don't have to pay all cash. You just put up a down payment.
[00:10:12] Unknown:
I put up a down payment? That's right. Where do I put it up? The place where you put it down. Make up your mind, Abbot. Do I put it up or do I put it down? When you put it up, you're putting it down. You mean I put it up and put it down at the same time? That's right. What am I buying? A car or a yo yo? No. No. No. You're not. Tell me, it's very simple. In order to put a payment up, you've got to put it down. So you see when it's down, it's up. How can it be down if it's up? It's only up if you put it down. Just a second. I'm gonna buy a new car. Right? Right. What do I put down? The jack. And what do I put up? The jack. How do you like that? I ain't even got a car yet this month's got me jacking it up and down.
[00:10:50] Unknown:
You idiot, come with me, please. We know we know in this new car agency, and I'll show you how to buy a new car.
[00:10:57] Unknown:
Hey, Abba. Look at all those new cars. This guy has so many nineteen forty seven cars, you'd think he was a used car dealer.
[00:11:08] Unknown:
Good afternoon, gentlemen. What can I do for you? I'm Doctor. Joker. Doctor. Do you have to be a doctor to sell automobiles? Well, you see, I make all the new deliveries.
[00:11:21] Unknown:
Well, my friend, Costello, would like to buy a 1947
[00:11:24] Unknown:
car. Oh, fine. Something around $3,500 or would you like to spend a little more and get it to the medium price deal?
[00:11:33] Unknown:
Yeah. But this guy puts it up before you can put it down.
[00:11:37] Unknown:
Now here's a lovely model. The back seat makes up into a bed and you can sleep in it. Oh, a four snore seat den. Just look at the advantages. Look at the yes. Look at the advantages of this car, mister Costello. You've got a radio, heater, sun visor, and lights. There are headlights, backup lights, rear lights, parking lights, search lights. What's the search light for? Let's define the switch to put on the headlights. Then it's got fog lights, small glides, and hog lights. Hog lights? That's in case you're on a country road and a pig runs in front of you.
[00:12:13] Unknown:
We'll take it. Good. Now, of course, you'll need seat covers. How about these red seat covers? They'll do. And you'd better give me a set of blue ones too. And what for? To keep the red seat covers from getting dirty.
[00:12:26] Unknown:
Well, we're ready to close the deal now. Put up the down payment, then you're paid up when you put it down till the next down payment comes up.
[00:12:34] Unknown:
Let's not get into that again. Yeah. Take my $50.
[00:12:39] Unknown:
50 dollars? 50 dollars. Young man, you're in the wrong department. Step through that door onto the lot and walk south. The further south you walk, the cheaper the cars get. Keep going till you get to the $50 car. Come on, Costello.
[00:12:56] Unknown:
There's the 42s, '19 '40 '1, 1940s, '19 '30 '9. '19 '20 '3, '19 '20 '19 '17. Habit, I'm tired. Ask that salesman over there in the big straw hat where the cheaper cars are. Hey, you. Where are the $50 cars? Two miles south in Mexico City. How do you like that? We walked all the way to Mexico, Abbot. Take any car we can get. I can't walk another foot. Here's a very fine car, senor. They not make cars like that today. It'd be crazy if they did.
[00:14:00] Unknown:
What kind of car is it? That's the original Kaiser car.
[00:14:04] Unknown:
Who's that old guy with the black mustache sitting in the front seat? That is a Kaiser.
[00:14:12] Unknown:
If you like this car, you can put up the down payment. What's that?
[00:14:17] Unknown:
How was that? If you put up your 50 pesos, your down payment will be up. How do you like that, Abbot? Now that's doing our routines in Mexico.
[00:14:30] Unknown:
Look at it. There's the place where you get a driver's license over there. Now, Costello, when you go in there, you must act with dignity. That's right up my alley. And you must act with confidence. That's right up my alley. And you must know the answers to all the traffic laws in California.
[00:14:43] Unknown:
Set them up in the other alley. Look, you dummy. You've gotta get a license if you're going to teach Marilyn Maxwell how to drive. Yes, Abbott. And when I get her into the car, I'm gonna propose to her, and I'm gonna give her my cat's eye ring. A cat's eye ring? Sure. I bought it through an ad in the paper. It said, wear this cat's eye ring, and your house will be full of love. And is your house full of love? No. It's full of cats. I
[00:15:06] Unknown:
come on. Now let's see. Yeah. Which one of these officers issues a driver's license? Because tell o yeah. Try that door over there. Okay?
[00:15:13] Unknown:
I won't run for mayor anymore. I'll never run for mayor anymore.
[00:15:18] Unknown:
Who was that? Louis b Mayer's horse, Busher.
[00:15:23] Unknown:
Come on, Costello. Marilyn's waiting for us. Gotta find out where to get that driver's license. I'll ask that woman over there. Pardon me, miss. Can you tell me where the driver's license went? Well, if it isn't mister Aubin
[00:15:35] Unknown:
and mister Costello. Hello. You fought, little morn you. I didn't expect to find you here.
[00:15:45] Unknown:
We didn't expect to find you here, or we wouldn't have been here. Quiet, Costello. What brings you here, miss? Oh, I stopped by to get new licenses for my two automobiles.
[00:15:57] Unknown:
My Plymouth and my Hudson.
[00:16:00] Unknown:
Plymouth and Hudson. Oh, heaven. That's like, Studebooker or a puntia.
[00:16:12] Unknown:
Well, I must be totally go on. As they say in Spanish,
[00:16:18] Unknown:
And a wet barracuda in the kitchen to you
[00:16:22] Unknown:
too. Hey, Castella. There's the license inspector. Tell them how much what you want. Go ahead. Mister, I want a driving license. Very well. Step right up here.
[00:16:30] Unknown:
What's your name? Louis. John Ehlers Strangler?
[00:16:38] Unknown:
No. No. Look, mister. This is Luke Costello.
[00:16:41] Unknown:
Oh, yes. Now I recognize you. And you're mister Abbott.
[00:16:45] Unknown:
Yeah. That's right.
[00:16:48] Unknown:
Yeah. Yeah. I always listen to you on the radio. Oh, you're so funny. Why my wife and I almost die laughing. You know, especially when you open that closet and all the stuff falls out.
[00:17:02] Unknown:
Wait a minute. That's not us. You're thinking of Burns and Allen.
[00:17:09] Unknown:
Oh, no. I know Burns and Allen. You know, he's the one that always hollers,
[00:17:13] Unknown:
hey, after.
[00:17:16] Unknown:
Now look, Grayson. I mean, Abbott.
[00:17:18] Unknown:
Will you tell this guy I want a driver's license? Oh, yes. Yes. Now first of all, I'll give you the eye test. We insist on perfect vision. Now let's see. Where are you? I'm standing over here. Oh oh, yes. Yes. Alright, mister Costello.
[00:17:38] Unknown:
Now put your left hand over your right eye. Left? Right. Wait a minute. Make up your mind. Right or left? Costello, it's very simple. A man wants you to put your right hand over your left eye, which leaves your right eye left.
[00:17:50] Unknown:
Oh. Oh. Oh. He wants me to put my left hand on my right eye because the one on the left is right, and that's the only one left. That's right. Well, which is it? Right or left? Look. You you cover your left eye. Yes. Now your right eye is left. How did it get over there?
[00:18:06] Unknown:
It is. Your eyes don't move. Who am I? Influence? I
[00:18:11] Unknown:
boys. Boys. Now I'll make it easy for you. Costello, put both hands over both eyes. Okay. That's it? Yeah. Now are you sure you can't see anything? I can't see a thing. Now no fair peeking. Mhmm. Pom pom cookity coo. Where'd you list your that one go? Shall we go east? Shall we go west? Shall we go under the coo coos nest?
[00:18:33] Unknown:
Oh, I like this. This is fun.
[00:18:37] Unknown:
Now I'll vibe and you find me. Well, I like it when I'm a busy man. A busy, busy man. Here's your driver's license. Goodbye.
[00:18:48] Unknown:
Well, let's go, Costello. Now you're ready to take Marilyn Maxwell for a driving lesson. Hey, Costello.
[00:18:58] Unknown:
There's Marilyn waiting at the curb for us. Oh, there you are, Louis, honey. Well, I'm all ready to go.
[00:19:03] Unknown:
Say, how do you get into this car? Wait a minute, and I'll open the door for you. Hop in. Now, Marilyn, now keep your eye on me and you'll see me really do some driving. First, I step on this, release that, press this, and step on the gas. Oh, man. Costello, what happened? I'll tell you as soon as I climb back into the front seat.
[00:19:28] Unknown:
Oh, Louis. We're coming to a stoplight. Apply your brakes. Oh, Louis. Did you step on the brakes too hard? I wasn't born with this windshield wiper on my forehead. Oh, please now. Please, Louis. Drive a little slower. Isn't this beautiful romantic country? Costello, now's your chance. Go ahead and kiss. Marilyn, would you mind if I would you would you? I know, Louis. You wanna kiss me. Alright. Go ahead.
[00:19:57] Unknown:
Well, aren't you gonna kiss me? Marilyn, my bad self tells me to kiss you. My good self tells me not to. Well I'm a bad
[00:20:05] Unknown:
boy.
[00:20:07] Unknown:
Look out, Costello. Watch where you're going. There's a fork in the road by that big red barn. Don't worry. Either I'll take the road to the left or the road to the right. Louis, make up your mind. I will. I can go to the left or go to the right or through the barn.
[00:20:23] Unknown:
Oh, Louis. I'm so sorry. You smashed your car all to bits. Yes. And now I won't be able to give you any more lessons about driving a car. But, Louis, I know how to drive a car. I wanted you to take me to the country club. I want to learn to drive a golf ball. How do you like that?
[00:20:40] Unknown:
Now I gotta go out and pick up a down payment on a golf ball.
With Lucky Lane slots, you can get lucky just about anywhere. Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to has anyone seen the bride and groom?
[00:00:09] Unknown:
Sorry. Sorry. We're here. We were getting lucky in the limo, and we lost track of time.
[00:00:14] Unknown:
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In that case, I pronounce you lucky.
[00:00:21] Unknown:
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[00:00:59] Unknown:
Welcome to the family. No purchase necessary. VGW group. Boy where prohibited by law. 18 plus. Terms and conditions
[00:01:14] Unknown:
apply. Hey. Gusto. Gusto. Come over here. Where
[00:01:21] Unknown:
where in the world have you been? Hey, Evan. Well, I just come from the movies. They were showing a wild Bill Elliot question. I never saw so much shooting in my life. Oh, never mind that. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. How in the world did you get that big hole in your hat? I was sitting so close to the screen that while Bill Elliott mistook me for one of the wrestlers and I got hit by a stray bullet. Oh, you idiot. Why do you always go to those western movies? Because my next picture is gonna be a western, Abbott, and I'm gonna be a bad man. I can see myself now holding up the bank. I got a gun in each hand, a handkerchief tied across my nose. Why do you have the handkerchief tied across your nose? I may have to blow in a hurry. I, after I stick up the bank after I stick up the bank, I'll climb on my old faithful old sombrero, stick my six shooters into my holsteins, tie my chaps around my throat, twirl my corral over my head, and ride off into the old bandanas.
[00:02:12] Unknown:
Oh, wait a minute.
[00:02:14] Unknown:
What does that mean, Costello? How should I know? That's cowboy talk. That mean that should be some victim, Costello. Who's going to be your leading lady? Marilyn Maxwell. Marilyn. Dear old Marilyn. Marilyn plays the part of the richest girl in the West. She's got thousands of head of cattle. I know. And you try to win her just to get possession of her cattle. Shame on you, Abbot. Do I look like the kind of a guy that would marry a girl for a prime rib? Yeah. Lucky.
[00:02:38] Unknown:
Lucky,
[00:02:40] Unknown:
a nitwit.
[00:02:41] Unknown:
If If you want Meryl Maxwell to make a western fiction with you, why don't you why don't you make her the star? Do a classic western story. That's a great idea, Abbott. We'll film the story of Annie Oakley. Do you know the story? Certainly, I know it. Annie Oakley was a very famous girl. She was a very famous girl. Where was she born? She was she was Where was she born? Where was she born? She was born in the town of Wyoming that was named after her. The town of Bashful. Bashful? Bashful, Wyoming was named after Anne. Sure. Ain't you ever heard of Cheyenne? Cheyenne. Hello, Kevin. From now on, keep your big mouth shut because I gotta finish the story. Okay. Go ahead. Now one day when Annie was a little girl, she looked out the window, she saw a father shooting the sheriff, and he was scared. So she immediately sheriff was in jeopardy. Yes.
Could I have that again? I said the sheriff was in jeopardy. Yes. He was a jeopardy sheriff. Jeopardy. Boy, as I get out of that one, have it. Why don't you let me tell us? Now leave it out of here. Go on over to the craft music hall and show them what a real hunk of cheese looks like. Oh, no. No. Ahead with your story. Okay. Now one day Annie was eating a big bowl of cornflakes. Her father rushed in screaming, Annie, I found nuggets down by the creek. No. No. No. You mean he screamed, I found a bonanza. Yeah. He's he he screamed what? Bonanza. Bonanza. How do you like that? Now he's putting bonanza to scream on the cornflakes.
[00:04:01] Unknown:
Oh, you don't understand. You see, Lou, in the story, the father farm a bonanza and he split it with Annie. Yeah. They had a bonanza split.
[00:04:10] Unknown:
Yeah, bitch. Shut up.
[00:04:12] Unknown:
They're laughing before they're supposed to laugh. Now Annie decided to go prospecting, so she put a solid gold saddle on her horse and rode away. Wait a minute. And why did she ride on a solid gold saddle to go prospecting? Prospect? Because every time the horse hit a bump, she struck it rich. She struck
[00:04:28] Unknown:
oh, stop this silly stuff, Castell. You should be ashamed of yourself cooking up a ridiculous story like that for a picture to star Marilyn Maxwell. I'm sorry, Adam. You should be. But I love Marilyn. I was only trying to figure some way to make a hit with her. Well, I don't blame you, Lou. She she really is lovely. Why? I could fall for her myself. Abbott, at your age, you don't fall. You collapse.
[00:04:50] Unknown:
There's only one thing wrong with our romance habit. What is that? She's penny wise. Marilyn is penny wise? Yes. I ain't got a penny and she's wise to it. Oh.
[00:04:58] Unknown:
Oh, Louis. Louis Costello. Hey, look. It's Marilyn Maxwell.
[00:05:05] Unknown:
Oh, Louis. Louis, I wonder if you could come over to my house in the morning and take me out for a driving lesson. Oh, you bet. You have it. She loves me. Merlin, you do love me, don't you? See that you adore me. See that you're mad about me. Uh-huh. See that you think I'm wonderful, that you dream of me every night, that you think I'm adorable. Mhmm. And I'm the handsomest, sweetest, cutest, dearest little dumpling in the world? Mhmm. Oh, Marilyn. You say the nicest things.
[00:05:33] Unknown:
Well, I've got to go now. Don't forget, Louis. Tomorrow, you're going to take me for a driving lesson. Goodbye.
[00:05:40] Unknown:
Oh, Abbot. Isn't she wonderful? She gets so much out of a goodbye.
[00:05:45] Unknown:
I don't know. She's not the only saying on the beach. But she says goodbye?
[00:05:48] Unknown:
That sense to me. She's not the only saint on the beach to me. Yes. But she's so nicely piled. I asked you. You idiot.
[00:05:57] Unknown:
Why did you promise to give her a driving lesson? You you don't even have a driver's license yourself. I don't need one of it. I haven't even got a car. And another thing, no car? No. This is terrible, Abbot. You gotta help me out. How can I teach Myrtle to drive without a car? Don't get excited. I'll stick to you and help you out. We we'll just have to rent a car. When can we get one? You drive. Me drive? No. You drive. I said I drive. You don't drive it. I drive it. Drive what? You drive. Why should I drive when you wanna drive? I'm going to drive. Look, Costello. I'm renting a you drive and I drive it. Then we both drive. No. No. We do nothing of the kind. I drive. When I say you drive, I don't mean you drive.
[00:06:35] Unknown:
I mean that I drive, although it's a you drive. Oh, when you say you drive, you don't mean me drive. You mean you drive because I don't drive. Now you've got it. Now I've got it. I don't even know what I'm talking about. Now look at it. You go to a place to rent a car. Yes. And you are driving the car? Yes. Where am I sitting? You are sitting right next to me. Is there a steering wheel in front of me? No. Then you're positive that I'm not driving. I'm positive. And you're driving the car? Yes. Alright. What kind of a car are you driving? You drive. Somebody better be driving the car. No. No. No.
[00:07:06] Unknown:
Look, I'm trying to explain this. We go out and we rent a car. Right. Where are we going to get it? You drive company. Now I drive company. I thought you, I, and Merlin were going all alone. You don't understand. It hurts you drive. Well, if it hurts you drive.
[00:07:23] Unknown:
Now that's right. That's right. This is getting worse. Don't you see? The head of the company's Hurts. That's too bad. What hurts them, Patrick?
[00:07:30] Unknown:
Nothing hurts them. Every company has a head. Naturally. Now this company's heads hurts. Then let them take an aspirin. Listen.
[00:07:38] Unknown:
Listen, Costello. It hurts you drive all over the country. If it hurts to drive all over the country, why should I drive Marilyn Maxwell and get hurt? Both of us is liable to get hurt. No. Bad. No. You won't. You won't get hurt. It's Hertz company. Hertz company? Yeah. But I don't wanna hurt nobody. Look at it. Will you go with me to Merlin's house tomorrow? Why? Well, her mother thinks I'm the biggest jerk in the world. So? I want her to get a good look at you.
[00:08:17] Unknown:
Well, Costello, since we couldn't rent a car, let's ask missus West Whitewash. You know missus Whitewash. She'll lend, lend you one of her cars. What do you say?
[00:08:26] Unknown:
Oh, good morning, miss Redis. Why aren't you a little old to be carrying a balloon?
[00:08:32] Unknown:
Oh, pardon me. It's Costello.
[00:08:35] Unknown:
Missus Whitwas, you really look sharp today. But isn't that a nod, dress you're wearing? Oh, it's just a little thing I wear to tease. Tease who? Forest collar?
[00:08:48] Unknown:
Miss missus Whitwas, Costello would like to borrow one of your cars. He has a date to teach Marilyn Maxwell to drive, and he wants to put on a big front, you know. Big front? Yeah.
[00:08:59] Unknown:
He better get a wheelbarrow to carry the one he's got now.
[00:09:06] Unknown:
Hello?
[00:09:08] Unknown:
Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello Oh, yeah? Well, maybe you ought to stand on your head and let the sand run back. I
[00:09:24] Unknown:
I'm shallow. Would you cut that out? Look, missus Whitwash, you're a kind lady. But just last night, I dreamed that you'd owe me one of your cars. Really?
[00:09:31] Unknown:
When you dream tonight, drive carefully.
[00:09:35] Unknown:
You know, Abbot, I got a sneaky feeling that she ain't gonna lend me your car. Oh, never mind her, Costello. We've gotta get a car. Hey. Look. Here comes Skinny Annis. Let's ask him. Hey, Skinny. I wonder if you would like to I know it, Costello. I ain't gonna lend you my car. How did you know I was gonna ask you? I read the script last night. So long, Betso.
[00:09:54] Unknown:
Abbott, remind me to get that skinny innocent back to Bob Hope. Never mind him. I just got six points. Never mind him. Now look, if you're going to teach Maryland to drive, there's only one thing to do. Buy a new car. Now look, Abbot. You know I ain't got enough money to buy a 1947 car. Oh, you don't have to pay all cash. You just put up a down payment.
[00:10:12] Unknown:
I put up a down payment? That's right. Where do I put it up? The place where you put it down. Make up your mind, Abbot. Do I put it up or do I put it down? When you put it up, you're putting it down. You mean I put it up and put it down at the same time? That's right. What am I buying? A car or a yo yo? No. No. No. You're not. Tell me, it's very simple. In order to put a payment up, you've got to put it down. So you see when it's down, it's up. How can it be down if it's up? It's only up if you put it down. Just a second. I'm gonna buy a new car. Right? Right. What do I put down? The jack. And what do I put up? The jack. How do you like that? I ain't even got a car yet this month's got me jacking it up and down.
[00:10:50] Unknown:
You idiot, come with me, please. We know we know in this new car agency, and I'll show you how to buy a new car.
[00:10:57] Unknown:
Hey, Abba. Look at all those new cars. This guy has so many nineteen forty seven cars, you'd think he was a used car dealer.
[00:11:08] Unknown:
Good afternoon, gentlemen. What can I do for you? I'm Doctor. Joker. Doctor. Do you have to be a doctor to sell automobiles? Well, you see, I make all the new deliveries.
[00:11:21] Unknown:
Well, my friend, Costello, would like to buy a 1947
[00:11:24] Unknown:
car. Oh, fine. Something around $3,500 or would you like to spend a little more and get it to the medium price deal?
[00:11:33] Unknown:
Yeah. But this guy puts it up before you can put it down.
[00:11:37] Unknown:
Now here's a lovely model. The back seat makes up into a bed and you can sleep in it. Oh, a four snore seat den. Just look at the advantages. Look at the yes. Look at the advantages of this car, mister Costello. You've got a radio, heater, sun visor, and lights. There are headlights, backup lights, rear lights, parking lights, search lights. What's the search light for? Let's define the switch to put on the headlights. Then it's got fog lights, small glides, and hog lights. Hog lights? That's in case you're on a country road and a pig runs in front of you.
[00:12:13] Unknown:
We'll take it. Good. Now, of course, you'll need seat covers. How about these red seat covers? They'll do. And you'd better give me a set of blue ones too. And what for? To keep the red seat covers from getting dirty.
[00:12:26] Unknown:
Well, we're ready to close the deal now. Put up the down payment, then you're paid up when you put it down till the next down payment comes up.
[00:12:34] Unknown:
Let's not get into that again. Yeah. Take my $50.
[00:12:39] Unknown:
50 dollars? 50 dollars. Young man, you're in the wrong department. Step through that door onto the lot and walk south. The further south you walk, the cheaper the cars get. Keep going till you get to the $50 car. Come on, Costello.
[00:12:56] Unknown:
There's the 42s, '19 '40 '1, 1940s, '19 '30 '9. '19 '20 '3, '19 '20 '19 '17. Habit, I'm tired. Ask that salesman over there in the big straw hat where the cheaper cars are. Hey, you. Where are the $50 cars? Two miles south in Mexico City. How do you like that? We walked all the way to Mexico, Abbot. Take any car we can get. I can't walk another foot. Here's a very fine car, senor. They not make cars like that today. It'd be crazy if they did.
[00:14:00] Unknown:
What kind of car is it? That's the original Kaiser car.
[00:14:04] Unknown:
Who's that old guy with the black mustache sitting in the front seat? That is a Kaiser.
[00:14:12] Unknown:
If you like this car, you can put up the down payment. What's that?
[00:14:17] Unknown:
How was that? If you put up your 50 pesos, your down payment will be up. How do you like that, Abbot? Now that's doing our routines in Mexico.
[00:14:30] Unknown:
Look at it. There's the place where you get a driver's license over there. Now, Costello, when you go in there, you must act with dignity. That's right up my alley. And you must act with confidence. That's right up my alley. And you must know the answers to all the traffic laws in California.
[00:14:43] Unknown:
Set them up in the other alley. Look, you dummy. You've gotta get a license if you're going to teach Marilyn Maxwell how to drive. Yes, Abbott. And when I get her into the car, I'm gonna propose to her, and I'm gonna give her my cat's eye ring. A cat's eye ring? Sure. I bought it through an ad in the paper. It said, wear this cat's eye ring, and your house will be full of love. And is your house full of love? No. It's full of cats. I
[00:15:06] Unknown:
come on. Now let's see. Yeah. Which one of these officers issues a driver's license? Because tell o yeah. Try that door over there. Okay?
[00:15:13] Unknown:
I won't run for mayor anymore. I'll never run for mayor anymore.
[00:15:18] Unknown:
Who was that? Louis b Mayer's horse, Busher.
[00:15:23] Unknown:
Come on, Costello. Marilyn's waiting for us. Gotta find out where to get that driver's license. I'll ask that woman over there. Pardon me, miss. Can you tell me where the driver's license went? Well, if it isn't mister Aubin
[00:15:35] Unknown:
and mister Costello. Hello. You fought, little morn you. I didn't expect to find you here.
[00:15:45] Unknown:
We didn't expect to find you here, or we wouldn't have been here. Quiet, Costello. What brings you here, miss? Oh, I stopped by to get new licenses for my two automobiles.
[00:15:57] Unknown:
My Plymouth and my Hudson.
[00:16:00] Unknown:
Plymouth and Hudson. Oh, heaven. That's like, Studebooker or a puntia.
[00:16:12] Unknown:
Well, I must be totally go on. As they say in Spanish,
[00:16:18] Unknown:
And a wet barracuda in the kitchen to you
[00:16:22] Unknown:
too. Hey, Castella. There's the license inspector. Tell them how much what you want. Go ahead. Mister, I want a driving license. Very well. Step right up here.
[00:16:30] Unknown:
What's your name? Louis. John Ehlers Strangler?
[00:16:38] Unknown:
No. No. Look, mister. This is Luke Costello.
[00:16:41] Unknown:
Oh, yes. Now I recognize you. And you're mister Abbott.
[00:16:45] Unknown:
Yeah. That's right.
[00:16:48] Unknown:
Yeah. Yeah. I always listen to you on the radio. Oh, you're so funny. Why my wife and I almost die laughing. You know, especially when you open that closet and all the stuff falls out.
[00:17:02] Unknown:
Wait a minute. That's not us. You're thinking of Burns and Allen.
[00:17:09] Unknown:
Oh, no. I know Burns and Allen. You know, he's the one that always hollers,
[00:17:13] Unknown:
hey, after.
[00:17:16] Unknown:
Now look, Grayson. I mean, Abbott.
[00:17:18] Unknown:
Will you tell this guy I want a driver's license? Oh, yes. Yes. Now first of all, I'll give you the eye test. We insist on perfect vision. Now let's see. Where are you? I'm standing over here. Oh oh, yes. Yes. Alright, mister Costello.
[00:17:38] Unknown:
Now put your left hand over your right eye. Left? Right. Wait a minute. Make up your mind. Right or left? Costello, it's very simple. A man wants you to put your right hand over your left eye, which leaves your right eye left.
[00:17:50] Unknown:
Oh. Oh. Oh. He wants me to put my left hand on my right eye because the one on the left is right, and that's the only one left. That's right. Well, which is it? Right or left? Look. You you cover your left eye. Yes. Now your right eye is left. How did it get over there?
[00:18:06] Unknown:
It is. Your eyes don't move. Who am I? Influence? I
[00:18:11] Unknown:
boys. Boys. Now I'll make it easy for you. Costello, put both hands over both eyes. Okay. That's it? Yeah. Now are you sure you can't see anything? I can't see a thing. Now no fair peeking. Mhmm. Pom pom cookity coo. Where'd you list your that one go? Shall we go east? Shall we go west? Shall we go under the coo coos nest?
[00:18:33] Unknown:
Oh, I like this. This is fun.
[00:18:37] Unknown:
Now I'll vibe and you find me. Well, I like it when I'm a busy man. A busy, busy man. Here's your driver's license. Goodbye.
[00:18:48] Unknown:
Well, let's go, Costello. Now you're ready to take Marilyn Maxwell for a driving lesson. Hey, Costello.
[00:18:58] Unknown:
There's Marilyn waiting at the curb for us. Oh, there you are, Louis, honey. Well, I'm all ready to go.
[00:19:03] Unknown:
Say, how do you get into this car? Wait a minute, and I'll open the door for you. Hop in. Now, Marilyn, now keep your eye on me and you'll see me really do some driving. First, I step on this, release that, press this, and step on the gas. Oh, man. Costello, what happened? I'll tell you as soon as I climb back into the front seat.
[00:19:28] Unknown:
Oh, Louis. We're coming to a stoplight. Apply your brakes. Oh, Louis. Did you step on the brakes too hard? I wasn't born with this windshield wiper on my forehead. Oh, please now. Please, Louis. Drive a little slower. Isn't this beautiful romantic country? Costello, now's your chance. Go ahead and kiss. Marilyn, would you mind if I would you would you? I know, Louis. You wanna kiss me. Alright. Go ahead.
[00:19:57] Unknown:
Well, aren't you gonna kiss me? Marilyn, my bad self tells me to kiss you. My good self tells me not to. Well I'm a bad
[00:20:05] Unknown:
boy.
[00:20:07] Unknown:
Look out, Costello. Watch where you're going. There's a fork in the road by that big red barn. Don't worry. Either I'll take the road to the left or the road to the right. Louis, make up your mind. I will. I can go to the left or go to the right or through the barn.
[00:20:23] Unknown:
Oh, Louis. I'm so sorry. You smashed your car all to bits. Yes. And now I won't be able to give you any more lessons about driving a car. But, Louis, I know how to drive a car. I wanted you to take me to the country club. I want to learn to drive a golf ball. How do you like that?
[00:20:40] Unknown:
Now I gotta go out and pick up a down payment on a golf ball.
