In this episode, we dive into a comedic skit featuring the antics of Costello and Abbott as they navigate the challenges of running a drugstore. The episode is filled with humorous exchanges, misunderstandings, and slapstick comedy, as Costello struggles with simple tasks like delivering the correct items to customers and dealing with the eccentric Professor Mellenhead. The duo's misadventures lead them to a wild plan involving uranium and an atomic bomb, showcasing their knack for getting into absurd situations.
Listeners are treated to a series of jokes and puns, highlighting the classic comedic style of Abbott and Costello. From Costello's confusion over electricity and wattage to the professor's ambitious scientific experiments, the episode is a whirlwind of laughter and chaos. The comedic timing and witty banter between the characters keep the audience entertained, making it a delightful listen for fans of classic comedy.
(00:30) Brightening Your Day with Chumba Casino
(01:15) Costello's Comedic Misadventures
(06:52) The Leg Makeup Mishap
(13:30) The Atomic Bomb Experiment
(20:30) Costello's Lunar Adventure
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[00:00:00]
Unknown:
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[00:01:15] Unknown:
Pastello, come here. Pastello, ever since we've opened this drugstore, you've spent all your time behind that soda fountain. What are you doing now? I'm making a Maltese milk.
[00:01:26] Unknown:
You mean a Maltese milk? No. I'm in a Maltese milk. This is for the cat. Yeah. Well,
[00:01:31] Unknown:
can you guys be behind that comment? You're no soda jerk.
[00:01:34] Unknown:
Attic, keep those words closer together. Fuck. Now what are you doing? Get your hand out of that box. Oh, I've just seen some lifesaver. Those aren't lifesaver. They're corn plasters. Corn plasters? No wonder every time I hit stuff like Tex Mexicurek
[00:01:50] Unknown:
from it. That's all you do is eat. I like eat. What? Look. What are you putting in your mouth now? Just they grew around hard candy. I've been eating them all day. Those aren't hard candy. It's all of the marbles out of the pinball machine.
[00:02:03] Unknown:
They are? Yeah. That explains everything. Have it? Explains what? Every time I sneeze, my nose lights up and spells poop. Yeah. Look.
[00:02:13] Unknown:
Will you come over here, please, and help me put the price tags on these rat biscuits? Rat biscuits? Certainly. Certainly. Don't you have rat biscuits at your house? No. The rat penny will eat. Let them stop. Oh, alright. Answer that telephone, Costello. Go ahead. Costello's gift card. Hello, mister Costello. Do you have any medicine for a sick mule? Yes. I have. Why don't you take some, you jackass?
[00:02:38] Unknown:
That was a very peachy joke. I think I pulled on out of it. Hey, Albert. Do you have any medicine for a sick mule? No. But you can call my brother-in-law. Now I'm stuck with Projektus. Chuck, will you stop with those those jokes and get to work, please? Yeah. Hey. You know, I've been working all morning at it. I'm I'm making mustard plasters. You make your own mustard plasters? Yeah. I start with a little red pepper, chili powder, and then I add some horseradish and Tabasco sauce. Oh, wait a minute. You'd better be careful with all that hot stuff. Yeah. Last week, I had a little accident when my Uncle Artie Stevens sat down on one of my mustard glasses. What happened? He won first prize in the national air races.
[00:03:15] Unknown:
Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Missus Dingleburger? Oh, yeah. What? He he did. Mhmm. Well, I'll take care of that right away. Crustelli, you idiot. I told you to deliver an electric bed warmer to missus Dingleburger. Why did that happen? You dummy. You didn't. You took her over an electric bed warmer, but you took her an electric toaster. I wonder why it kept turning her over and pulling her out of bed. How can you be so stupid? Can't you tell a can't you tell a bed warmer from a toaster?
[00:03:49] Unknown:
Don't you know the first thing about electricity? Sure. For quite a while now, I've been experimenting with short waves. How long have you been interested in short waves? Ever since I got swept by a full wet pile.
[00:04:05] Unknown:
Well, that's A lot of stuff. A lot of stuff. A lot of stuff. I don't know. Why, you don't even know who invented electricity.
[00:04:13] Unknown:
Oh, sure I do. Oh, you do. Oh, you kidding? Everybody knows electricity was discovered by missus Benjamin Franklin. Missus Franklin, you mean Benjamin Franklin. Oh, missus Benjamin Franklin. One day she and her husband had an argument and she said, Benjamin, go play a kite. Oh. Is that how it started?
[00:04:29] Unknown:
Look. Can you cut out? Go play a kite. Cut out the silliness, Castellan. I want something to change thing. I don't have anything. Look. Will you do me a favor, please? And take a bed warmer over to missus Dingleburgers right away, and be sure you get the right voltage. Do you notice the, voltage and wattage in her cottage? Did I notice the voltage and wattage in her cottage? Yes.
[00:04:49] Unknown:
Hey, Evan. You fucking a little stupid. No. No. No. No. No. Cut. Tell her. What is her house? AC or DC?
[00:04:55] Unknown:
It's, Losi. No.
[00:05:01] Unknown:
No. What is the house wired for? What is the house wired for? What is the house wired for? The same thing that all California houses are wired for. What's that? Keep them for four and a block. No. No.
[00:05:11] Unknown:
I'm talking about electricity, Cartella. Look at that bed warmer. Look at it. See it there? Now what does that little tag say? 40. That means 40 what? I don't know. I just told you. That's only what? That's right. What's right? Correct. You see, Costella, the amount of, current the amount of current used, in this bed warmer is 40 what? I don't know. Look. I'm not asking you. I'm telling you. You tell me what? Yes. Here we go again. Well, let me explain it another way. At your house, you have a little electric bulb. Now what do you see on the bottom of that bulb? Fly. Fly. Oh, no. No. No. Alright. Look. But suppose the flies weren't there? Then it wouldn't be my house. Well, look.
Please pay attention. On the bottom of your light bulb, it tells you the wattage. Wattage was discovered by a man named James what? What is the man's name? Was it Smith? No. No. No. It wasn't Smith. It wasn't Smith. What is the man's name? I give up. I just told you. You didn't tell me nothing. You said what is the man's name? That's right. What's right? Correct.
[00:06:19] Unknown:
I have it. Can I ask you just one little simple question? Oh, certainly, Costello. Go ahead. Well, the man who discovered Wattage, his first name is James. Correct? Correct. What is his last name? Wright. Now I get it.
[00:06:35] Unknown:
Alright. Now tell me the man's name. James Wright. What?
[00:06:52] Unknown:
Where's the manager of this drugstore? I demand to see the manager. Costello. See what that lady wants. What can we do here, madam? Oh, there you are, you little bloated blimp. You're the one that told me that bottle of leg makeup. Yes, ma'am. What's the matter? Is it the right shape? You fool. I can't get my leg out of the bottle. You know the bottle's got a better shit than the leg? I'm ready right. So why? Are you kidding? Just look at my limbs. I have very many names. Have you ever seen anything like these before? Only once.
But they had a sign on them that said, you are now approaching the California Edwards. Oh, you're so clever, mister Costello. You know, you could sell a lot of medicine in this drugstore if you do just one thing. And what's that? Stand outside and make people sick.
[00:07:55] Unknown:
Never mind, Art Costello. See what that man wants at the, prescription counter. He looks like he's in pain. Oh, help. Help, young man. Help. I've got to have something to make me sleep. I'd dreamt all night long. The grasshoppers were jumping around in my stomach. What'd you have to do? Grasshoppers. Alright. I'll take care of this man. Answer that phone.
[00:08:20] Unknown:
Okay. Hello, Cassandra. Call me a doctor. Call me a doctor. You must call me a doctor. Why? I just graduated from medical school.
[00:08:35] Unknown:
Hey. Look, Costello. Here comes the movie actress, bestie in LeMay Mutual.
[00:08:40] Unknown:
Hello, boys. I thought I'd stop in at your droop store and purchase a few packages. First, I would like a large box of aspirin tablets.
[00:08:49] Unknown:
Osprey tablets?
[00:08:51] Unknown:
I've, that's what you take when you got a hootie. Is there anything else this mutual? Yes. I better have a large bottle of Coke medicine. Coke medicine? Yes. Did you ever wake up in the middle of the night hoking and coughing? No. But last night, I had the spoonfuls in my news. You can get my packages ready and send them over in your delivery suit. I'm very sorry. The scoop is broken. I have to come over on my roller skates, scooter. Well, I have to leave you now. Aloha, adios, and, all of work. How do you like that? He didn't even say goodbye.
[00:09:31] Unknown:
Just, there's a man who just came in the side engine. See what he wants. Good morning, sir. Hey, look. Could you give me a glass of what?
[00:09:38] Unknown:
A glass of what? What? What a champagne. Yeah. I've had these I've had them for Tuma for Tuma Tuma. Tuma. Tumas? Night. Look. I'll get you some pills for that. Oh, no. Thanks. I I couldn't keep those big pills on my stomach. Well, we'll take them on.
[00:10:03] Unknown:
Quiet, Catella. You're my good man. Just swallow these big round pills fast and you'll be alright. Oh, thank you.
[00:10:11] Unknown:
Oh, gee. That's twelve. I feel fine. Fine. Alright. I'll get this pillow outside, customer. Hey, Winwin. There comes missus Niles. Oh, there you are. You little pipsqueak. I've got a spoon to pick with you. The phone number, Vance. I'm full. I just had lunch with a cocker spaniel. Now do pay attention. Do you remember last week when my horse fell down in front of your drugstore and hurt his leg? Yes. Well, when you bedded up the horse's leg, you tied my leg up with it. So what? In the past week, I've run-in five races at Santa Anita. And what are you bragging about? Not once did you come in with a mummy.
Niles. This is Niles. How do you do? What's the trouble? Oh, hello, miss Rabbit. I came over here to collect my rent. You boys have been living in my apartment for a month now and I haven't received a penny. Well, here it is. The rent? No. A penny. Oh, that does it. Costello, if you don't have the rent by noon tomorrow, I'll throw you out of my apartment. And furthermore, I'll have the sheriff at this bookstore. Missus Niles, don't do that. I haven't got any money. How about taking the money and merchandise? Here, missus Niles, how about some of these nice beauty preparations? I don't need any. I spent Friday, Saturday, and Sunday at a beauty parlor. Friday, Saturday, and Sunday in a beauty parlor? Yes. Brother, that's what I call a lost weekend.
Oh, a cute little squirt. Just a little what I said. I either get my rent or out you go, and I'll call this drugstore. Goodbye.
[00:11:51] Unknown:
Well, Castellum, you've got us in hot water again. This is Niles mad with us. We're going to get thrown out of our apartment and we're going to lose the drugstore. Habit, everything happens to me. Yep. I'm always in trouble.
[00:12:03] Unknown:
Look at the bags under my eyes. Maybe I can get rid of these bads by putting some of this cream on them.
[00:12:09] Unknown:
Costello, be careful of those creams. They're very powerful. Some of them are, for weight control. For instance, if the label says fat, you get fat. If it says thin, you get thin. Now remember that. Whatever the label says, you get.
[00:12:25] Unknown:
You get what the label says? That's right. You get what the label says. Call a doctor. Get me a doctor. Wait a minute. What's the matter? What does the label say? Baby cream. Oh. What are you doing up there on that ladder? Castello. I'm packing up all this medicine. Missus Meadows is closing my drugstore because I can't pay the rent. Here, rabbit, catch this little this big bottle I got. Wait wait a minute. Wait a minute. What's in that bottle? Oh, just some coloring stuff. It's some kind of tint. Tint? Yeah. It's right on the bottle. TNT. Don't throw that bottle.
[00:12:58] Unknown:
Don't throw that bottle, you dummy. Get off that ladder, Costello. Do you hear me? Get down. Now look what you did. Pick up those aspirin tablets. What aspirin tablets? Those are my teeth. This whole thing is ridiculous, Costello. You don't have to close-up this store. You've got it until, noon tomorrow to raise the rent money. Now all we have to do is think this thing over carefully. Let's put our heads together. Now wouldn't that be a pretty picture? It would look like a baseball score. Nothing to nothing. No. Hey. Look, Costello. Look, Costello.
Look what I found on the bottom shelf. A sack of uranium. Uranium? Sir, do you know what uranium is? My mother has a box and I wanna sell full of paint and red uranium. No. No. No. No. No. No. Stella, those are geraniums. And she has some of those bath flowers too. That bath flowers? Yes. Spitonius. Spiton no. No. You don't. Don't you realize what uranium is? That's what they use to make atomic bombs. Wait a minute. Wait a minute, Costello. This is wonderful. I know how you can raise the money to pay the rent.
[00:14:06] Unknown:
Was that little back a uranium? Yes. All you had to do is invent an atomic bomb. Not me. Yeah. But I can't stand no noise of any kind. You can't stand noise? No. When I was a little boy, I couldn't wear bangs. You could wear? Oh, come on.
[00:14:24] Unknown:
Take this nonsense, please. Look. Listen, little feet. If you invent an atomic bomb, the whole whole world will be talking about Lou Costello. Can't you just hear what they're saying? Yeah. Don't you look natural?
[00:14:36] Unknown:
Look. I ain't messing around with that stuff, Abbot. Oh, come on. This is too good to lose, Costello. Look. I'm gonna call that great scientist, Professor Mellenhad.
[00:14:44] Unknown:
Hello? Hello, Professor Mellenhead. This is Abbott. Get over to Costello's drugstore right away. Sorry. I'm in the bathtub right now taking a bath, but I'll be there as soon as I dress. Well, gentlemen, here I am. Put on your hat, well, and have you still half naked? And what are you dragging that vessel for? Quiet, Costello Professor Melamed. We have just found a sack of uranium. Eureka. Eureka. No. Uranium. Oh, uranium. Do you realize what that means, gentlemen? We can make a bomb a bomb. Do you hear a bomb?
[00:15:18] Unknown:
But get this guy out of here. He's bombing. Yeah.
[00:15:22] Unknown:
Come on and show the professor, Costello. Melon Head is a great scientist. Yes, sir Costello. I got my PhD at Harvard, my LLD at Yale. What about you? I got my BPD. It's just Ruba.
[00:15:31] Unknown:
Oh,
[00:15:32] Unknown:
Costello, I'm amazed at your display of ignorance. I, professor, Melon Head, am one of the country's leading chemists. Why all day long, I spend my time mixing things in glasses. Mixing things in glasses? Yes. It's made a great scientist out of me. It made a sauce out of Ray Millen. Oh, please, Prato. I'm not talking about the last of the last weekend. I'm offering you my talents in an effort to invent an atomic bomb within the price range of everybody's purse. Just think of it. I doubt if you have the mental talents to collaborate with me. Now tell me, Costello, do you know anything about chemistry? Are you kidding? Ask me a question. Alright. I'll ask you an elementary question. Name name three things that contain starch. A car and two cars. Oh, I don't know. Oh, I don't know. Leave it to the professor, please.
Hey, Adam. How's this guy gonna make a bomb out of this sack of junk? Junk? Because fellow scientists can do anything. Like, just the other day, a fellow scientist of mine succeeded in getting milk. Milk, mind you, from a peanut. Now what have you got to say to that? All I can say is he must have had an awful old stool. Wait a minute. You mean to say that you you question the veracity of my scientific thesis? Young man, do you realize that they are even making women's clothes out of sour milk? Now there's a pretty picture. Can you imagine, Tessie, with a girl in a cheese chameez
[00:16:47] Unknown:
and a turtle turtle turtle?
[00:16:51] Unknown:
That's all I want to cut it out. Professor, do you really think you can make an atomic bomb? Please. Please. Do not ask me if I think. Of course, I think. I am one of the world's biggest
[00:17:00] Unknown:
thinkers. And you can speak plainer than that.
[00:17:06] Unknown:
Silence, Costello. Of course, gentlemen. We cannot experiment with this dangerous element within the confines of the city limits now. Gather up your sack of uranium, Costello, and meet me in the middle of the Mojave Desert tomorrow morning. When we explode this bomb, it will be sensational. All atomic bombs in the past have been set off from a point miles away, but this time, we want a man right by the bomb to see what happens in Costello. When we ask for a man to volunteer, who do you think steps forward?
[00:17:32] Unknown:
Oh, you. Who pushed me? Oh,
[00:17:36] Unknown:
enough of this nonsense. Now I'll see you two gentlemen at 06:00 tomorrow morning in the Mojave Desert. Well, good day. I must be off. I must be off.
[00:17:45] Unknown:
I must be off. And he ain't in.
[00:17:53] Unknown:
Ladies and gentlemen, here we are gathered in the lonely waste of the Mojave Desert. We are about to witness a great scientific experiment. All night long, Professor Mellenhut has labored to perfect his atomic bomb. And in exactly three minutes, they will pull the lever that releases this terrible energy. All it requires is a little jerk. That's me, folks. It's Costello. Here comes Professor Mellanhead. Ah, there you are, Costello. Well, we're all ready for the great experiment. Everybody get in the bomb shelter. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Not you, Costello. You're gonna stay out here and pull the lever. But get me out of here. Oh, nonsense, Costello. You have nothing to fear. I have brought with me one of the greatest authorities on the atomic bomb in the whole world, doctor Philpott Storecheese. Now I want you, Costello.
I want you to meet this great scientific genius. Doctor, say hello to Lucas Cella.
[00:18:48] Unknown:
Hello. I just came from Brazil. You must have come in with the last ship in a nuts.
[00:18:55] Unknown:
What is Costello? Doctor. Stortease is going to tell you how to protect yourself when this bomb goes off. Yeah. Oh, there's nothing to it. It just calls for perfect timing.
[00:19:04] Unknown:
When you pull the lever, the machine will go climb. And then finally, it makes a big boom and you go I got news to you. I'm gonna go before it goes boom.
[00:19:22] Unknown:
Alright. Alright. Let's go everybody into the bomb shelter. I'm talking to you now, Priscilla, over the radio in the phone the radio phone in the bomb shelter now. Are you at your station? I'm at my station. Grass blover. Grass blover.
[00:19:42] Unknown:
Pull. Pull. Uh-huh. Cheap uranium. The pants didn't go off. I knew it wouldn't work.
[00:20:30] Unknown:
Poor Costello, my little pal. Costello, where is he? Hello? Hello, Abby. Oh, thank heaven you're safe, Costello. Where are you? I'm up here in the moon. You're up on the moon. Don't be silly. There's only one man who gets to the moon. That's Superman. Who do you see Jamie Dimitri for this phone call?
[00:21:00] Unknown:
And now hear a button, Lou, with a final word. Well, Costello, you turn out to be quite a scientist tonight. Yes. And to prove to the audience that I really am a scientist, I'd like to invite everybody to stay after the show and I'll get out my bottles and glasses and list them one of my favorite drinks. No. No. Not just a star of one of us. I'm not you'll get a little picture. Get away from us.
[00:21:20] Unknown:
Wait a minute. Wait a minute, you. Hey, listen, fella. I'm just as smart as you are anytime. Oh, yeah? I saw you and butt last night in your new universal picture, the little giant. Boy, are you a dope?
[00:21:30] Unknown:
Oh, yeah? Ask me something.
[00:21:33] Unknown:
Okay, fat stuff. What's the difference between a beautiful girl and a baboon? I don't know. You must have some wonderful days.
[00:21:42] Unknown:
Good night, folks. Hi. Good night, everybody. Good night. Nice to petting
[00:21:56] Unknown:
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No purchase necessary. Avoid prohibited by law. See terms and conditions. 18
Margo felt quite exquisite as she dipped her fries in mayo, gracefully extending her pinky to the sky. See, she had just saved by getting Cox mobile for her family. Yes, more lines, more savings, Margo. Brilliant. She finished her cherry slush drink with a triumphant exquisite
[00:00:18] Unknown:
indeed. Visit a Cox store and pay as low as $30 a line for four or more unlimited lines. Four lines required for $30 per line price, max of five lines. Prices exclude exclude taxes, device activation, and other fees and charges. Other restrictions apply. Hello. It is Ryan, and we could all use an extra bright spot in our day, couldn't we? Just to make up for things like sitting in traffic, doing the dishes, counting your steps, you know, all the mundane stuff. That is why I'm such a big fan of Chumba Casino. Chumba Casino has all your favorite social casino style games that you can play for free anytime, anywhere with daily bonuses. That should brighten your day low. Actually, a lot. So sign up now at chumbacasino.com.
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No purchase necessary. DGW. Void where prohibited by law. See terms and conditions, 18 plus.
[00:01:15] Unknown:
Pastello, come here. Pastello, ever since we've opened this drugstore, you've spent all your time behind that soda fountain. What are you doing now? I'm making a Maltese milk.
[00:01:26] Unknown:
You mean a Maltese milk? No. I'm in a Maltese milk. This is for the cat. Yeah. Well,
[00:01:31] Unknown:
can you guys be behind that comment? You're no soda jerk.
[00:01:34] Unknown:
Attic, keep those words closer together. Fuck. Now what are you doing? Get your hand out of that box. Oh, I've just seen some lifesaver. Those aren't lifesaver. They're corn plasters. Corn plasters? No wonder every time I hit stuff like Tex Mexicurek
[00:01:50] Unknown:
from it. That's all you do is eat. I like eat. What? Look. What are you putting in your mouth now? Just they grew around hard candy. I've been eating them all day. Those aren't hard candy. It's all of the marbles out of the pinball machine.
[00:02:03] Unknown:
They are? Yeah. That explains everything. Have it? Explains what? Every time I sneeze, my nose lights up and spells poop. Yeah. Look.
[00:02:13] Unknown:
Will you come over here, please, and help me put the price tags on these rat biscuits? Rat biscuits? Certainly. Certainly. Don't you have rat biscuits at your house? No. The rat penny will eat. Let them stop. Oh, alright. Answer that telephone, Costello. Go ahead. Costello's gift card. Hello, mister Costello. Do you have any medicine for a sick mule? Yes. I have. Why don't you take some, you jackass?
[00:02:38] Unknown:
That was a very peachy joke. I think I pulled on out of it. Hey, Albert. Do you have any medicine for a sick mule? No. But you can call my brother-in-law. Now I'm stuck with Projektus. Chuck, will you stop with those those jokes and get to work, please? Yeah. Hey. You know, I've been working all morning at it. I'm I'm making mustard plasters. You make your own mustard plasters? Yeah. I start with a little red pepper, chili powder, and then I add some horseradish and Tabasco sauce. Oh, wait a minute. You'd better be careful with all that hot stuff. Yeah. Last week, I had a little accident when my Uncle Artie Stevens sat down on one of my mustard glasses. What happened? He won first prize in the national air races.
[00:03:15] Unknown:
Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Missus Dingleburger? Oh, yeah. What? He he did. Mhmm. Well, I'll take care of that right away. Crustelli, you idiot. I told you to deliver an electric bed warmer to missus Dingleburger. Why did that happen? You dummy. You didn't. You took her over an electric bed warmer, but you took her an electric toaster. I wonder why it kept turning her over and pulling her out of bed. How can you be so stupid? Can't you tell a can't you tell a bed warmer from a toaster?
[00:03:49] Unknown:
Don't you know the first thing about electricity? Sure. For quite a while now, I've been experimenting with short waves. How long have you been interested in short waves? Ever since I got swept by a full wet pile.
[00:04:05] Unknown:
Well, that's A lot of stuff. A lot of stuff. A lot of stuff. I don't know. Why, you don't even know who invented electricity.
[00:04:13] Unknown:
Oh, sure I do. Oh, you do. Oh, you kidding? Everybody knows electricity was discovered by missus Benjamin Franklin. Missus Franklin, you mean Benjamin Franklin. Oh, missus Benjamin Franklin. One day she and her husband had an argument and she said, Benjamin, go play a kite. Oh. Is that how it started?
[00:04:29] Unknown:
Look. Can you cut out? Go play a kite. Cut out the silliness, Castellan. I want something to change thing. I don't have anything. Look. Will you do me a favor, please? And take a bed warmer over to missus Dingleburgers right away, and be sure you get the right voltage. Do you notice the, voltage and wattage in her cottage? Did I notice the voltage and wattage in her cottage? Yes.
[00:04:49] Unknown:
Hey, Evan. You fucking a little stupid. No. No. No. No. No. Cut. Tell her. What is her house? AC or DC?
[00:04:55] Unknown:
It's, Losi. No.
[00:05:01] Unknown:
No. What is the house wired for? What is the house wired for? What is the house wired for? The same thing that all California houses are wired for. What's that? Keep them for four and a block. No. No.
[00:05:11] Unknown:
I'm talking about electricity, Cartella. Look at that bed warmer. Look at it. See it there? Now what does that little tag say? 40. That means 40 what? I don't know. I just told you. That's only what? That's right. What's right? Correct. You see, Costella, the amount of, current the amount of current used, in this bed warmer is 40 what? I don't know. Look. I'm not asking you. I'm telling you. You tell me what? Yes. Here we go again. Well, let me explain it another way. At your house, you have a little electric bulb. Now what do you see on the bottom of that bulb? Fly. Fly. Oh, no. No. No. Alright. Look. But suppose the flies weren't there? Then it wouldn't be my house. Well, look.
Please pay attention. On the bottom of your light bulb, it tells you the wattage. Wattage was discovered by a man named James what? What is the man's name? Was it Smith? No. No. No. It wasn't Smith. It wasn't Smith. What is the man's name? I give up. I just told you. You didn't tell me nothing. You said what is the man's name? That's right. What's right? Correct.
[00:06:19] Unknown:
I have it. Can I ask you just one little simple question? Oh, certainly, Costello. Go ahead. Well, the man who discovered Wattage, his first name is James. Correct? Correct. What is his last name? Wright. Now I get it.
[00:06:35] Unknown:
Alright. Now tell me the man's name. James Wright. What?
[00:06:52] Unknown:
Where's the manager of this drugstore? I demand to see the manager. Costello. See what that lady wants. What can we do here, madam? Oh, there you are, you little bloated blimp. You're the one that told me that bottle of leg makeup. Yes, ma'am. What's the matter? Is it the right shape? You fool. I can't get my leg out of the bottle. You know the bottle's got a better shit than the leg? I'm ready right. So why? Are you kidding? Just look at my limbs. I have very many names. Have you ever seen anything like these before? Only once.
But they had a sign on them that said, you are now approaching the California Edwards. Oh, you're so clever, mister Costello. You know, you could sell a lot of medicine in this drugstore if you do just one thing. And what's that? Stand outside and make people sick.
[00:07:55] Unknown:
Never mind, Art Costello. See what that man wants at the, prescription counter. He looks like he's in pain. Oh, help. Help, young man. Help. I've got to have something to make me sleep. I'd dreamt all night long. The grasshoppers were jumping around in my stomach. What'd you have to do? Grasshoppers. Alright. I'll take care of this man. Answer that phone.
[00:08:20] Unknown:
Okay. Hello, Cassandra. Call me a doctor. Call me a doctor. You must call me a doctor. Why? I just graduated from medical school.
[00:08:35] Unknown:
Hey. Look, Costello. Here comes the movie actress, bestie in LeMay Mutual.
[00:08:40] Unknown:
Hello, boys. I thought I'd stop in at your droop store and purchase a few packages. First, I would like a large box of aspirin tablets.
[00:08:49] Unknown:
Osprey tablets?
[00:08:51] Unknown:
I've, that's what you take when you got a hootie. Is there anything else this mutual? Yes. I better have a large bottle of Coke medicine. Coke medicine? Yes. Did you ever wake up in the middle of the night hoking and coughing? No. But last night, I had the spoonfuls in my news. You can get my packages ready and send them over in your delivery suit. I'm very sorry. The scoop is broken. I have to come over on my roller skates, scooter. Well, I have to leave you now. Aloha, adios, and, all of work. How do you like that? He didn't even say goodbye.
[00:09:31] Unknown:
Just, there's a man who just came in the side engine. See what he wants. Good morning, sir. Hey, look. Could you give me a glass of what?
[00:09:38] Unknown:
A glass of what? What? What a champagne. Yeah. I've had these I've had them for Tuma for Tuma Tuma. Tuma. Tumas? Night. Look. I'll get you some pills for that. Oh, no. Thanks. I I couldn't keep those big pills on my stomach. Well, we'll take them on.
[00:10:03] Unknown:
Quiet, Catella. You're my good man. Just swallow these big round pills fast and you'll be alright. Oh, thank you.
[00:10:11] Unknown:
Oh, gee. That's twelve. I feel fine. Fine. Alright. I'll get this pillow outside, customer. Hey, Winwin. There comes missus Niles. Oh, there you are. You little pipsqueak. I've got a spoon to pick with you. The phone number, Vance. I'm full. I just had lunch with a cocker spaniel. Now do pay attention. Do you remember last week when my horse fell down in front of your drugstore and hurt his leg? Yes. Well, when you bedded up the horse's leg, you tied my leg up with it. So what? In the past week, I've run-in five races at Santa Anita. And what are you bragging about? Not once did you come in with a mummy.
Niles. This is Niles. How do you do? What's the trouble? Oh, hello, miss Rabbit. I came over here to collect my rent. You boys have been living in my apartment for a month now and I haven't received a penny. Well, here it is. The rent? No. A penny. Oh, that does it. Costello, if you don't have the rent by noon tomorrow, I'll throw you out of my apartment. And furthermore, I'll have the sheriff at this bookstore. Missus Niles, don't do that. I haven't got any money. How about taking the money and merchandise? Here, missus Niles, how about some of these nice beauty preparations? I don't need any. I spent Friday, Saturday, and Sunday at a beauty parlor. Friday, Saturday, and Sunday in a beauty parlor? Yes. Brother, that's what I call a lost weekend.
Oh, a cute little squirt. Just a little what I said. I either get my rent or out you go, and I'll call this drugstore. Goodbye.
[00:11:51] Unknown:
Well, Castellum, you've got us in hot water again. This is Niles mad with us. We're going to get thrown out of our apartment and we're going to lose the drugstore. Habit, everything happens to me. Yep. I'm always in trouble.
[00:12:03] Unknown:
Look at the bags under my eyes. Maybe I can get rid of these bads by putting some of this cream on them.
[00:12:09] Unknown:
Costello, be careful of those creams. They're very powerful. Some of them are, for weight control. For instance, if the label says fat, you get fat. If it says thin, you get thin. Now remember that. Whatever the label says, you get.
[00:12:25] Unknown:
You get what the label says? That's right. You get what the label says. Call a doctor. Get me a doctor. Wait a minute. What's the matter? What does the label say? Baby cream. Oh. What are you doing up there on that ladder? Castello. I'm packing up all this medicine. Missus Meadows is closing my drugstore because I can't pay the rent. Here, rabbit, catch this little this big bottle I got. Wait wait a minute. Wait a minute. What's in that bottle? Oh, just some coloring stuff. It's some kind of tint. Tint? Yeah. It's right on the bottle. TNT. Don't throw that bottle.
[00:12:58] Unknown:
Don't throw that bottle, you dummy. Get off that ladder, Costello. Do you hear me? Get down. Now look what you did. Pick up those aspirin tablets. What aspirin tablets? Those are my teeth. This whole thing is ridiculous, Costello. You don't have to close-up this store. You've got it until, noon tomorrow to raise the rent money. Now all we have to do is think this thing over carefully. Let's put our heads together. Now wouldn't that be a pretty picture? It would look like a baseball score. Nothing to nothing. No. Hey. Look, Costello. Look, Costello.
Look what I found on the bottom shelf. A sack of uranium. Uranium? Sir, do you know what uranium is? My mother has a box and I wanna sell full of paint and red uranium. No. No. No. No. No. No. Stella, those are geraniums. And she has some of those bath flowers too. That bath flowers? Yes. Spitonius. Spiton no. No. You don't. Don't you realize what uranium is? That's what they use to make atomic bombs. Wait a minute. Wait a minute, Costello. This is wonderful. I know how you can raise the money to pay the rent.
[00:14:06] Unknown:
Was that little back a uranium? Yes. All you had to do is invent an atomic bomb. Not me. Yeah. But I can't stand no noise of any kind. You can't stand noise? No. When I was a little boy, I couldn't wear bangs. You could wear? Oh, come on.
[00:14:24] Unknown:
Take this nonsense, please. Look. Listen, little feet. If you invent an atomic bomb, the whole whole world will be talking about Lou Costello. Can't you just hear what they're saying? Yeah. Don't you look natural?
[00:14:36] Unknown:
Look. I ain't messing around with that stuff, Abbot. Oh, come on. This is too good to lose, Costello. Look. I'm gonna call that great scientist, Professor Mellenhad.
[00:14:44] Unknown:
Hello? Hello, Professor Mellenhead. This is Abbott. Get over to Costello's drugstore right away. Sorry. I'm in the bathtub right now taking a bath, but I'll be there as soon as I dress. Well, gentlemen, here I am. Put on your hat, well, and have you still half naked? And what are you dragging that vessel for? Quiet, Costello Professor Melamed. We have just found a sack of uranium. Eureka. Eureka. No. Uranium. Oh, uranium. Do you realize what that means, gentlemen? We can make a bomb a bomb. Do you hear a bomb?
[00:15:18] Unknown:
But get this guy out of here. He's bombing. Yeah.
[00:15:22] Unknown:
Come on and show the professor, Costello. Melon Head is a great scientist. Yes, sir Costello. I got my PhD at Harvard, my LLD at Yale. What about you? I got my BPD. It's just Ruba.
[00:15:31] Unknown:
Oh,
[00:15:32] Unknown:
Costello, I'm amazed at your display of ignorance. I, professor, Melon Head, am one of the country's leading chemists. Why all day long, I spend my time mixing things in glasses. Mixing things in glasses? Yes. It's made a great scientist out of me. It made a sauce out of Ray Millen. Oh, please, Prato. I'm not talking about the last of the last weekend. I'm offering you my talents in an effort to invent an atomic bomb within the price range of everybody's purse. Just think of it. I doubt if you have the mental talents to collaborate with me. Now tell me, Costello, do you know anything about chemistry? Are you kidding? Ask me a question. Alright. I'll ask you an elementary question. Name name three things that contain starch. A car and two cars. Oh, I don't know. Oh, I don't know. Leave it to the professor, please.
Hey, Adam. How's this guy gonna make a bomb out of this sack of junk? Junk? Because fellow scientists can do anything. Like, just the other day, a fellow scientist of mine succeeded in getting milk. Milk, mind you, from a peanut. Now what have you got to say to that? All I can say is he must have had an awful old stool. Wait a minute. You mean to say that you you question the veracity of my scientific thesis? Young man, do you realize that they are even making women's clothes out of sour milk? Now there's a pretty picture. Can you imagine, Tessie, with a girl in a cheese chameez
[00:16:47] Unknown:
and a turtle turtle turtle?
[00:16:51] Unknown:
That's all I want to cut it out. Professor, do you really think you can make an atomic bomb? Please. Please. Do not ask me if I think. Of course, I think. I am one of the world's biggest
[00:17:00] Unknown:
thinkers. And you can speak plainer than that.
[00:17:06] Unknown:
Silence, Costello. Of course, gentlemen. We cannot experiment with this dangerous element within the confines of the city limits now. Gather up your sack of uranium, Costello, and meet me in the middle of the Mojave Desert tomorrow morning. When we explode this bomb, it will be sensational. All atomic bombs in the past have been set off from a point miles away, but this time, we want a man right by the bomb to see what happens in Costello. When we ask for a man to volunteer, who do you think steps forward?
[00:17:32] Unknown:
Oh, you. Who pushed me? Oh,
[00:17:36] Unknown:
enough of this nonsense. Now I'll see you two gentlemen at 06:00 tomorrow morning in the Mojave Desert. Well, good day. I must be off. I must be off.
[00:17:45] Unknown:
I must be off. And he ain't in.
[00:17:53] Unknown:
Ladies and gentlemen, here we are gathered in the lonely waste of the Mojave Desert. We are about to witness a great scientific experiment. All night long, Professor Mellenhut has labored to perfect his atomic bomb. And in exactly three minutes, they will pull the lever that releases this terrible energy. All it requires is a little jerk. That's me, folks. It's Costello. Here comes Professor Mellanhead. Ah, there you are, Costello. Well, we're all ready for the great experiment. Everybody get in the bomb shelter. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Not you, Costello. You're gonna stay out here and pull the lever. But get me out of here. Oh, nonsense, Costello. You have nothing to fear. I have brought with me one of the greatest authorities on the atomic bomb in the whole world, doctor Philpott Storecheese. Now I want you, Costello.
I want you to meet this great scientific genius. Doctor, say hello to Lucas Cella.
[00:18:48] Unknown:
Hello. I just came from Brazil. You must have come in with the last ship in a nuts.
[00:18:55] Unknown:
What is Costello? Doctor. Stortease is going to tell you how to protect yourself when this bomb goes off. Yeah. Oh, there's nothing to it. It just calls for perfect timing.
[00:19:04] Unknown:
When you pull the lever, the machine will go climb. And then finally, it makes a big boom and you go I got news to you. I'm gonna go before it goes boom.
[00:19:22] Unknown:
Alright. Alright. Let's go everybody into the bomb shelter. I'm talking to you now, Priscilla, over the radio in the phone the radio phone in the bomb shelter now. Are you at your station? I'm at my station. Grass blover. Grass blover.
[00:19:42] Unknown:
Pull. Pull. Uh-huh. Cheap uranium. The pants didn't go off. I knew it wouldn't work.
[00:20:30] Unknown:
Poor Costello, my little pal. Costello, where is he? Hello? Hello, Abby. Oh, thank heaven you're safe, Costello. Where are you? I'm up here in the moon. You're up on the moon. Don't be silly. There's only one man who gets to the moon. That's Superman. Who do you see Jamie Dimitri for this phone call?
[00:21:00] Unknown:
And now hear a button, Lou, with a final word. Well, Costello, you turn out to be quite a scientist tonight. Yes. And to prove to the audience that I really am a scientist, I'd like to invite everybody to stay after the show and I'll get out my bottles and glasses and list them one of my favorite drinks. No. No. Not just a star of one of us. I'm not you'll get a little picture. Get away from us.
[00:21:20] Unknown:
Wait a minute. Wait a minute, you. Hey, listen, fella. I'm just as smart as you are anytime. Oh, yeah? I saw you and butt last night in your new universal picture, the little giant. Boy, are you a dope?
[00:21:30] Unknown:
Oh, yeah? Ask me something.
[00:21:33] Unknown:
Okay, fat stuff. What's the difference between a beautiful girl and a baboon? I don't know. You must have some wonderful days.
[00:21:42] Unknown:
Good night, folks. Hi. Good night, everybody. Good night. Nice to petting
[00:21:56] Unknown:
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[00:22:24] Unknown:
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