In this lively episode, we dive into a comedic skit featuring the antics of Costello and Abbott as they navigate through humorous misunderstandings and wordplay. Costello, ever the bumbling character, finds himself in a series of laugh-out-loud situations, from attending a wedding and misunderstanding the customs to attempting to woo a girl with his unique charm. The episode is filled with quick-witted exchanges and classic comedic timing that will leave listeners chuckling.
Adding to the hilarity, Costello's attempts to impress Connie Haynes lead to a series of disguises and mistaken identities, culminating in a humorous encounter with John Garfield. The episode captures the essence of classic radio comedy, with its clever dialogue and slapstick humor, making it a delightful listen for fans of vintage comedy. Tune in for a dose of laughter and a trip down memory lane with Abbott and Costello.
(00:00) Judy's Discovery of Chumba Casino
(01:04) Wedding Shenanigans and Misunderstandings
(03:09) Costello's Romantic Aspirations
(06:06) Radio Reporter and Cigarette Sponsor
(10:02) Costello's Tough Talk and John Garfield
(14:13) Costello's Date with Connie
(17:00) Disguise and Dance with John Garfield
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Remember that times have changed, and some shows might not reflect the standards of today’s politically correct society. The shows do not necessarily reflect the views, standards, or beliefs of Entertainment Radio
[00:00:00]
Unknown:
Judy was boring. Hello. Then Judy discovered chumbacasino.com. It's my little escape. Now Judy's the life of the party. Oh, baby. Mama's bringing home the bacon. Woah. Take it easy, Judy. Chumba. The Chumba Life is for everybody. So go to chumbachumbacasino.com and play over a hundred casino style games. Join today and play for free for your chance to redeem some serious prizes. Chumbacasino.com.
[00:00:26] Unknown:
No purchase necessary for you. We're prohibited by law. 18 plus terms and conditions applies. Website for details. Hey, guys. It is Ryan. I'm not sure if you know this about me, but I'm a bit of a fun fanatic when I can. I like to work, but I like fun too. It's a thing. And now the truth is out there. I can tell you about my favorite place to have fun, Chamba Casino. They have hundreds
[00:01:01] Unknown:
No purchase necessary. VW. Oh, there you are. Costello lead again. Where have you been this time? Oh, boy. Yeah. But I had a great time. I just came from a wedding. After the ceremony, I got in line. I kissed the bride. Then I got in line. I kissed the bride again. Then I got in line again, again, again, and then the groom caught me. And what happened? I kissed the groom. You know, that groom was a pretty bad guy. He got mad at me because I threw rice at the bride. Well, throwing rice at the bride is customary. Why did he get mad? I forgot to take the rice out of the chop suey. I And he didn't look good in it.
Boy, boy, Abbott. That wedding show made me feel romantic. I'm gonna find a nice girl, settle down, and I'm gonna get married. What? You get married? Very few girls would marry you. Very few would be enough. How many girls do you think I need? What do you wanna do? Get arrested first? Trigonometry? No. Not trigonometry. When a man has several wives, it's, polygamy. When he has two wives, that's bigamy. Now do you know what it means when a man has one wife? Yeah. That's monotony. No. Look, Lou. Not not monotony. It's, monogamy.
Do you know what monogamy is? Sure. I got a table made out of that stuff. That's monogamy. No. No. You mean you mean mahogany. Oh, no. That's the name of the guy who sold me the table. Patrick Mahogany. Oh, no. Listen. It is mahogany. It's Patrick Mahoney. Do you understand Mahoney? No, Abbott. That's title of the song. Mahoney done told me when I was in need of a talk said me. Told me. Hello. Hello. Hello. It's not my homie. It's, my mommy. Oh, I've been asked who have it. Yeah. You've been where? My mommy, Florida. My mommy, Florida. My mommy We're going fast. That's my house. Listen.
That's Miami. Oh, Miami. That's what I use to clean my secrets. Yeah. No. You mean you mean, Bon Amy. Bon Amy. Now you're back to the songs again. What song? Miami, like, over the ocean. Cat Cat seller, don't bother me. Go over there in the corner and talk to yourself. Oh, I don't wanna have it. I get too many topsy answers. Well, good evening, boys. What's the big discussion about tonight? I don't care. Well, Cuss over here has been to a wedding, and he's talking about getting married. I tried to convince him that no girl would even consider marrying him. Oh, I don't know, but I think Costello's chances of getting married are very good. Do you think so, Nail? Of course. A lot of women are collecting waste fat. Mister City, what are you hanging around here for? You should be very busy this week. Busy? Why? Ain't this the time of the year when you rate yourself out as a maypole?
What a low and what a skinny guy. Oh, now that's ridiculous. Niles is very, very attractive to women, Costello. And at least he's got a wife. My lovely wife. I first met her at a turkey raffle, and it took me two years to win her. Well, what did I do? Postpone a raffle? I heard that remark, Costello. I said it for you to hear. Oh, how dare you talk about my appearance that way? That's right, Costello. Missus Niles is very beautiful. Just look at her. You kidding? Missus Niles, I look at your left eye and I keep wondering. Wondering what? I keep wondering what your left eye has that makes your right eye keep looking at it.
[00:04:22] Unknown:
Oh,
[00:04:23] Unknown:
you can talk about my eyes. I'm afraid to look at your eyes. What are you afraid of? I'm afraid a kangaroo will jump out of one of those pachos. Oh, ladies and gentlemen. A grand slam. How are you doing? Pachos. Alright. Don't let me They're bad enough. The gags don't go, but we wow. Alright. Don't don't let Godzilla bother you, missus Niles. He's feeling a bit free and feverish. In fact, he's thinking of getting married.
[00:04:47] Unknown:
I don't get married. Yeah. Oh, what a picture of beauty and the blimp. A girl would have to be pretty hard up to marry you, Costello.
[00:04:58] Unknown:
Oh, is that so? You better watch your step, miss Niles, and I'll tell everybody how you got Kenneth. What do you mean? You stood outside of Boys Town and kidnapped him during recess. Catella, why must you fight with missus Niles? Now if you just act halfway decent, she might introduce you to some very lovely little girl. That's right, Cottrell. I might even introduce you to my sister. Oh, missus Niles.
[00:05:23] Unknown:
Do you think your sister would go out with me? Oh, I'm sure she would. Haven't you heard? It's be kind to animals week.
[00:05:32] Unknown:
Somebody's gonna laugh. You you really told him off, dear. Bad folks. I'm in one a.
[00:05:43] Unknown:
You really told him off there, you're wonderful. You tug at my heartstrings. Oh, no, darling. You tug at my heartstrings. Oh, but I insist you tug at my heartstrings. Oh, no, Kenneth. You tug at my heartstrings. Ladies and gentlemen, you have just heard from a couple of jerks. Telephone, Kenneth. Oh, I I'll get it, Pat.
[00:06:10] Unknown:
Hello? This is a radio reporter calling. What program are you listening to, please? Listen. This is Ken Niles. What program are you listening to? Niles. Niles.
[00:06:21] Unknown:
You know, I I'd walk a Niles for a camel. Is your radio on? No. We're on the radio. What program are you listening to? We're not. This is the Abbott and Costello program.
[00:06:33] Unknown:
Who is this sponsor, please?
[00:06:35] Unknown:
Camel. Camel. I beg your pardon? Listen. If you're looking for a cigarette that won't go flat no matter how many you smoke, try Camel cigarette, and you'll remember them because they have more flavor, the result of expert blending of costlier tobacco. Who is the sponsor, Piazz? Camels, c a m e l f, c for Costello, a for Abbott, and t for no t in camel. Oh, no. T is for your taste and throat, your t zone. Now listen, sugar. Try Camel's in your t zone. Your taste will say more flavor, and your throat will give you the last word on Camel cigarette smooth extra mildness and also sugar. Don't call me sugar, you fresh. Yes. Camels stay fresh, cool smoking, and slow burning because they're packed to go around the world. Well, come on now.
[00:07:27] Unknown:
Oh, beep. Oh, beep. Oh, you cute. That's all. That's all. What do you think you're doing? What's the idea of whistling out that window? I'm whistling at the girls. Well, if I have it, I'm trying to get a date. You should be ashamed of yourself, whistling at girl. You You know you can get your face slapped flat that way. You know that? Sure. Well, remember. I got it. Well, but I get a lot of dates that way too. I still have talks since you'll never get a date with a girl by whistling at her. Oh, no. One time I got two girls that way. You got two girls by whistling? Yep. And I had a split lip. How did you get that split lip? Two girls were with a marine.
Look, Costello. When you came in here tonight, you were talking about getting married. You can't even get a date with a girl. Oh, I wouldn't say that. I had a I had a date with a girl last night. Abbott? You heard a girl. It's that Bessie Boysenberry, you know, the one who works at the corner truck store. You had a date with Bessie Boysenberry? Sure. But she isn't all there. There's enough there to have a date with. Because so I see what I'm going to I'm gonna have to take you out. You're gonna take Theo? Yes. I don't go out with men. I no. No. No. No. I don't mean that. I'm gonna take you out and get you a date with a nice young girl. How does that sound? Good. Hey. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. I don't have to. Here comes our pretty little songbird, Connie Haynes. Now go ahead. Here's your chance. But what'll I say to her? Oh, invite her out for a little refreshing drink. Hey, boy. Hello, Connie.
Would you care for a zombie?
[00:08:54] Unknown:
Missus Costello,
[00:08:56] Unknown:
are you proposing? No. I'm inviting you out, you know, like I did last week. Remember? I took you out. We had a Chinese dinner.
[00:09:02] Unknown:
Yes. And I'll never forget that Chinese dinner. It was the first time I ever ate in a laundry.
[00:09:08] Unknown:
Costello, how come you took Connie Hanes to dinner in a lunch? Well, I left my shirt there, and I wanted to have dinner on the cup. Oh, boy. Very funny. I'm a riot. I know I know a little story about a shirt too, but I can't tell it. Why not? It's too long a tail. Oh, look. Alright. Now please stop and join yourself. And cut off the nonsense, Costello. Connie, Costello really is a nice boy. Why can't you two get together tonight? Yeah. I'm sorry, mister Abbott, but I already have a boyfriend.
[00:09:40] Unknown:
You know, John Garfield. John Garfield?
[00:09:43] Unknown:
What has he got that I haven't got?
[00:09:46] Unknown:
Nothing. But he's willing to spend it. Well, good night, boys.
[00:09:53] Unknown:
How do you like that John Clark, you'll have it? Cutting in on the people on our show. Trying to steal Connie Hanes away from me. I'll tell that guy where to head in. Oh, you're getting very tough all of a sudden. You bet I am. I've been taking those physical culture exercises through the mail from Charles Gottman. You have, Right. Let me see your muscles. I don't get the muscles till next week. You. But I'm pretty strong. I'd like to see Garfield walk in that door right now. I'd tell him where to get off. Hello, boys. I'm John Garfield.
Costello, did I hear you say you're gonna tell me where to get off? Yeah. Where do you live? I live right here in Hollywood. Why did you get off at Sunset And Vine? Oh, no. Costello, be quiet. What's on your mind, John? I, just dropped in to tell my girlfriend, Connie Haynes, that I won't be able to see you tonight. You had an epic? He won't be able to see Harley tonight. Oh, goody. Goody. Just a minute, Costello. Don't ever let me catch you hanging around Connie, sir. You're jealous of me, hey, Carfield? Because you know I'll be stiff competition. You couldn't be competition even if you weren't stiff. Now look here, Garfield. I don't like your attitude.
And I warn you to withdraw. Suppose I refuse to withdraw. Then I withdraw my warning. I withdraw my Alright. Get together you two. And don't fight, boy. Let's settle these people. Look. I just wanna say one thing to Costello. Be smart, fat boy, and stay away from Connie Hanks. Is that so? What's the matter, Romeo? Are there any other girls in your life? Sure. But there ain't any life in my other girls. And Is that the same letter we got? Yeah. Sorry. Look, Cassella, please. That one got by me? Look, Carcela, if Connie is John's girlfriend, just stay away from her. After all, there are plenty of other fish in the sea. Who wants the spooner under the mooner with a tuna? Well, if I catch you with Connie, I will give you a belt with a smelt and ruin your health.
You wish, Danny, Garfield. I'm pretty tough. You're tough. Yeah. Why, Costello? I'm so tough. I don't shave my beard anymore. I burn it off with a blowtor. Ah, just a minute, fellas. Look, Step aside, Abbie. It's my turn. What do you mean your turn? Listen, Garfield. I'm so tough that I shave my beard with saddle soap, and then I dynamite the stuff. Look. I can't stand this anymore. I'll be running along at it. And don't forget to tell Connie I can't see her tonight. And as for you, Costello, remember what I said. So long, bud. Goodbye, stupid. Wait a minute, Carpio. Did you call me stupid? Yeah. I called you stupid. What about it? What about it? Well, someday you're gonna call a guy stupid who wink, and you're gonna get in a lot of fuss. 40 miles across the North Channel from Scotland is Northern Ireland and the Port Of Belfast,
[00:12:46] Unknown:
long familiar to United States Army and Navy men. To Americans in Belfast, to United States bases and outposts throughout the world, go Camel Cigarettes. Buy the million. Buy the ton. For camels are first with men in all the services according to actual sales record. Camel cigarettes in Ireland means fresh Camels around your corner. Yes. Camel's stay fresh, cool smoking, and slow burning because they're packed to go around the world. Both at home and overseas, more people want Camel, the fresh cigarette, the cigarette with more flavor. So remember, if your store is sold out, Camel cigarettes are worth asking for again. 6AM.
[00:13:27] Unknown:
Yeah.
[00:13:28] Unknown:
And Camel cigarettes. Camel standard of costlier tobaccos is the same for soldier, for civilian, anywhere in the world.
[00:13:40] Unknown:
When your heart goes bumpity pump, it's love, love, love. When your knees go knock it in now, it's love, love, love. Hey, Abbott. And tell me how I look without a shirt. Tell her. What what kind of announcement is that? Please. What kind of an outfit is that you've got on? Will you answer me, please? Where did you get those striped pants? Oh, how do you like them? These are my new Sears Roebuck plucking pants. Cut. Still all those pants are too tight. You can't even sit down in them. Who can't sit down in them? What's this? What was that? I think Sears just split with Roebuck.
Costello, what are you getting all dialed up for? Abbot, we are going over to call on Connie Haines. But, what about John Garfield? You heard what he said, Abbot. He ain't gonna be there. I'm taking over. Now wait a minute, Costello. If you insist on going over to Connie Hinge's house, you better take her a present. Now how about that statue of Cupid that you won at the bingo game? Oh, I couldn't give her that thing. A statue of Cupid with a clock in its stomach? Well, what's wrong with that? How would you like to have people look at your stomach and say, my my, it's half past eight. Uh-oh. How time flies? Oh, come on. Let's get going.
Abbott? What? This looks like Connie's apartment. I'm not on the door. Get away from the store and cut out that noise. I'm trying to sleep. I must have sleep. I've gotta have sleep, I tell you. Sleep. Sleep. Sleep. Who are you? Oh, just a lazy bum. Someday I'm gonna get a job like that. One laugh, wash up, and go home. Come on, Costello. Here's Connie Hinge's apartment. Her name's right here on the door.
[00:16:04] Unknown:
Well, hello, mister Abbott. Come right in and bring your little girlfriend.
[00:16:08] Unknown:
Girlfriend? What's wrong with you, Connie? Abbot? I know I shouldn't have worn this rose in my hair.
[00:16:17] Unknown:
Listen, Connie. I came over to spend the evening with you. But, mister Costello, I told you that I had a date with John Garfield.
[00:16:24] Unknown:
If he catches you here, he'll be very mad. But, Connie, John stopped by the studio and said said he wouldn't see you tonight. Well,
[00:16:31] Unknown:
in that case, I guess it's alright for you to come in. Now, boys, what would you like to do this evening? Let's mix.
[00:16:39] Unknown:
Now use wasted time. Now wait. Wait a minute, Cartella. You forget that I'm here. I only met with girls. Oh, boy. Oh, there's someone at the door. Who is it? It's me, Connie. John Garfield. I didn't have to work tonight after all. May I come in? John Garfield? How you like that double crossing rat? Sneaking over here when my back is done. Honey, we've got to do something.
[00:17:05] Unknown:
You murder Costello. I know what to do. Just a minute, John, honey. I'm baking a cake. If he ever gets in here, he'll crack my frosting. Now now quick, mister Costello. Go in my bedroom, put on one of my dresses, and I'll introduce you as mister Abba's girlfriend. Now go ahead. Hurry. I'll let John in.
[00:17:25] Unknown:
I I I don't like this. Alright. Alright. Alright. After all, I'm not in a lot of quiet sort of stuff now. Quiet. I mean, don't don't Will you keep quiet, please? Come on, Costello. Get into these things. Here. Put this on first. I don't like this. That's all. Put it on. Put it on.
[00:17:37] Unknown:
Put it on. Put it on. Put it on. Put it on. Put it on. Put it on. It's
[00:17:39] Unknown:
how you're gonna look. Alright. Never mind that. Put it on. Hurry up. What's this thing? That's a girdle. It's it's a one way stretch. No good for me. I stretch four way. I Shut up, please, and hurry. Now slip this dress over your head. Here. Turn your back, bro. Here. Go on. Put it on. Turn your head away. I hear my head is turning. At least I'm bashful. Alright. Go ahead. There there you are. That's it. Alright. Now let's go. Alright. Now it'll swell. Do I look like a little girl? Yes. Yes. Yes. Now if you're not gonna talk like one, yes, you have to. We've got in the living room, and remember, you're supposed to be a girl. Well, hello. Wait a minute. What are you doing here? Oh,
[00:18:17] Unknown:
I just brought my girlfriend over, John. I'd I'd like you to meet miss,
[00:18:22] Unknown:
Oh, my name is Lula Castellanos. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Castellanos. Yes. Miss Castellanos. Well, shut my mouth. I'm all from South Madison. Oh, well, that's swell. Connie, put on some records and we'll dance. Get out that romantic song, Hold That Tiger. But, Hold That Tiger isn't romantic. It is to another tiger. Uh-oh.
[00:18:46] Unknown:
John, I'll dance with mister Abba and you dance with Lulu. Oh, now wait a minute. I okay.
[00:18:53] Unknown:
Come into my arms, my proud beauty. Oh, I'm not proud. You're no beauty either. I said you were no beauty either. I heard you that first time. It told me that pain.
[00:19:05] Unknown:
Say, like, you got the same writers I got. I guess so.
[00:19:10] Unknown:
By the way, Lulu, do you remember? Only when I eat radishes. You know, you know you're kinda cute, Lulu. Here, let me hold you a little closer. Closer. Oh, cut it out. Closer. There. Oh, John. That's close enough. It should be. You're breathing in my back pocket. Pocket? I never ever heard of a girl having a back pocket. Well, we, Southern girls, have to have some place to carry our corn poams.
[00:19:44] Unknown:
Now go ahead, John. You dance with Lulu, and I'll go out and see how my cake is coming along.
[00:19:51] Unknown:
Well, I think I could've finished with mister Levitt. He's the man that's rung me. Oh. Oh, that's alright, Lulu. I I I'm not jealous. Go ahead and dance with John. Are you kidding, Abbott? Go ahead. Be out of this. Go ahead. It's alright. Lulu. Let's cut a rug. Lulu, dear. What is that noise? And that was my daughter. It's a long pull from my girdle to my bobby socks. You know, you know, I like you, Lulu. You have such a nice figure. Oh, do you really think so, John? Yes. You have such a nice little tummy. Chummy? Yes. A combination chest and tummy. Well, you do seem to be getting along fine. I think I'll go out in the kitchen with Connie.
Oh, good. Fastly, we're we're alone. That's what I'm afraid of. Well, let me crush you in my arm. Mother told me that would be nice like this. What's the matter with your little? Mom. Little, what's the matter? You have no warm. What do you think this is? Puppy love? It's mustard. Your nose is so cold. Please, Lulu. Ladies and gentlemen, I'm only kidding. Please, Lulu, can't you see the light of love dancing in my eyes? As I draw you through me, don't you feel a spark in a fire? Yes. I do feel a spark in a fire. Is it love? No. Your Camel cigarette is sticking in my ear. You can't deny me any longer, Lulu. Let me kiss you. No. No, John. Not today. Please, Lolo. Just one kiss. No. No, John. Not today. Lolo, why do you keep on saying not today?
Because today, I am a mess. Get them out of
[00:21:34] Unknown:
here.
[00:21:37] Unknown:
Evan and Tuscalo will be back in just a moment.
Judy was boring. Hello. Then Judy discovered chumbacasino.com. It's my little escape. Now Judy's the life of the party. Oh, baby. Mama's bringing home the bacon. Woah. Take it easy, Judy. Chumba. The Chumba Life is for everybody. So go to chumbachumbacasino.com and play over a hundred casino style games. Join today and play for free for your chance to redeem some serious prizes. Chumbacasino.com.
[00:00:26] Unknown:
No purchase necessary for you. We're prohibited by law. 18 plus terms and conditions applies. Website for details. Hey, guys. It is Ryan. I'm not sure if you know this about me, but I'm a bit of a fun fanatic when I can. I like to work, but I like fun too. It's a thing. And now the truth is out there. I can tell you about my favorite place to have fun, Chamba Casino. They have hundreds
[00:01:01] Unknown:
No purchase necessary. VW. Oh, there you are. Costello lead again. Where have you been this time? Oh, boy. Yeah. But I had a great time. I just came from a wedding. After the ceremony, I got in line. I kissed the bride. Then I got in line. I kissed the bride again. Then I got in line again, again, again, and then the groom caught me. And what happened? I kissed the groom. You know, that groom was a pretty bad guy. He got mad at me because I threw rice at the bride. Well, throwing rice at the bride is customary. Why did he get mad? I forgot to take the rice out of the chop suey. I And he didn't look good in it.
Boy, boy, Abbott. That wedding show made me feel romantic. I'm gonna find a nice girl, settle down, and I'm gonna get married. What? You get married? Very few girls would marry you. Very few would be enough. How many girls do you think I need? What do you wanna do? Get arrested first? Trigonometry? No. Not trigonometry. When a man has several wives, it's, polygamy. When he has two wives, that's bigamy. Now do you know what it means when a man has one wife? Yeah. That's monotony. No. Look, Lou. Not not monotony. It's, monogamy.
Do you know what monogamy is? Sure. I got a table made out of that stuff. That's monogamy. No. No. You mean you mean mahogany. Oh, no. That's the name of the guy who sold me the table. Patrick Mahogany. Oh, no. Listen. It is mahogany. It's Patrick Mahoney. Do you understand Mahoney? No, Abbott. That's title of the song. Mahoney done told me when I was in need of a talk said me. Told me. Hello. Hello. Hello. It's not my homie. It's, my mommy. Oh, I've been asked who have it. Yeah. You've been where? My mommy, Florida. My mommy, Florida. My mommy We're going fast. That's my house. Listen.
That's Miami. Oh, Miami. That's what I use to clean my secrets. Yeah. No. You mean you mean, Bon Amy. Bon Amy. Now you're back to the songs again. What song? Miami, like, over the ocean. Cat Cat seller, don't bother me. Go over there in the corner and talk to yourself. Oh, I don't wanna have it. I get too many topsy answers. Well, good evening, boys. What's the big discussion about tonight? I don't care. Well, Cuss over here has been to a wedding, and he's talking about getting married. I tried to convince him that no girl would even consider marrying him. Oh, I don't know, but I think Costello's chances of getting married are very good. Do you think so, Nail? Of course. A lot of women are collecting waste fat. Mister City, what are you hanging around here for? You should be very busy this week. Busy? Why? Ain't this the time of the year when you rate yourself out as a maypole?
What a low and what a skinny guy. Oh, now that's ridiculous. Niles is very, very attractive to women, Costello. And at least he's got a wife. My lovely wife. I first met her at a turkey raffle, and it took me two years to win her. Well, what did I do? Postpone a raffle? I heard that remark, Costello. I said it for you to hear. Oh, how dare you talk about my appearance that way? That's right, Costello. Missus Niles is very beautiful. Just look at her. You kidding? Missus Niles, I look at your left eye and I keep wondering. Wondering what? I keep wondering what your left eye has that makes your right eye keep looking at it.
[00:04:22] Unknown:
Oh,
[00:04:23] Unknown:
you can talk about my eyes. I'm afraid to look at your eyes. What are you afraid of? I'm afraid a kangaroo will jump out of one of those pachos. Oh, ladies and gentlemen. A grand slam. How are you doing? Pachos. Alright. Don't let me They're bad enough. The gags don't go, but we wow. Alright. Don't don't let Godzilla bother you, missus Niles. He's feeling a bit free and feverish. In fact, he's thinking of getting married.
[00:04:47] Unknown:
I don't get married. Yeah. Oh, what a picture of beauty and the blimp. A girl would have to be pretty hard up to marry you, Costello.
[00:04:58] Unknown:
Oh, is that so? You better watch your step, miss Niles, and I'll tell everybody how you got Kenneth. What do you mean? You stood outside of Boys Town and kidnapped him during recess. Catella, why must you fight with missus Niles? Now if you just act halfway decent, she might introduce you to some very lovely little girl. That's right, Cottrell. I might even introduce you to my sister. Oh, missus Niles.
[00:05:23] Unknown:
Do you think your sister would go out with me? Oh, I'm sure she would. Haven't you heard? It's be kind to animals week.
[00:05:32] Unknown:
Somebody's gonna laugh. You you really told him off, dear. Bad folks. I'm in one a.
[00:05:43] Unknown:
You really told him off there, you're wonderful. You tug at my heartstrings. Oh, no, darling. You tug at my heartstrings. Oh, but I insist you tug at my heartstrings. Oh, no, Kenneth. You tug at my heartstrings. Ladies and gentlemen, you have just heard from a couple of jerks. Telephone, Kenneth. Oh, I I'll get it, Pat.
[00:06:10] Unknown:
Hello? This is a radio reporter calling. What program are you listening to, please? Listen. This is Ken Niles. What program are you listening to? Niles. Niles.
[00:06:21] Unknown:
You know, I I'd walk a Niles for a camel. Is your radio on? No. We're on the radio. What program are you listening to? We're not. This is the Abbott and Costello program.
[00:06:33] Unknown:
Who is this sponsor, please?
[00:06:35] Unknown:
Camel. Camel. I beg your pardon? Listen. If you're looking for a cigarette that won't go flat no matter how many you smoke, try Camel cigarette, and you'll remember them because they have more flavor, the result of expert blending of costlier tobacco. Who is the sponsor, Piazz? Camels, c a m e l f, c for Costello, a for Abbott, and t for no t in camel. Oh, no. T is for your taste and throat, your t zone. Now listen, sugar. Try Camel's in your t zone. Your taste will say more flavor, and your throat will give you the last word on Camel cigarette smooth extra mildness and also sugar. Don't call me sugar, you fresh. Yes. Camels stay fresh, cool smoking, and slow burning because they're packed to go around the world. Well, come on now.
[00:07:27] Unknown:
Oh, beep. Oh, beep. Oh, you cute. That's all. That's all. What do you think you're doing? What's the idea of whistling out that window? I'm whistling at the girls. Well, if I have it, I'm trying to get a date. You should be ashamed of yourself, whistling at girl. You You know you can get your face slapped flat that way. You know that? Sure. Well, remember. I got it. Well, but I get a lot of dates that way too. I still have talks since you'll never get a date with a girl by whistling at her. Oh, no. One time I got two girls that way. You got two girls by whistling? Yep. And I had a split lip. How did you get that split lip? Two girls were with a marine.
Look, Costello. When you came in here tonight, you were talking about getting married. You can't even get a date with a girl. Oh, I wouldn't say that. I had a I had a date with a girl last night. Abbott? You heard a girl. It's that Bessie Boysenberry, you know, the one who works at the corner truck store. You had a date with Bessie Boysenberry? Sure. But she isn't all there. There's enough there to have a date with. Because so I see what I'm going to I'm gonna have to take you out. You're gonna take Theo? Yes. I don't go out with men. I no. No. No. No. I don't mean that. I'm gonna take you out and get you a date with a nice young girl. How does that sound? Good. Hey. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. I don't have to. Here comes our pretty little songbird, Connie Haynes. Now go ahead. Here's your chance. But what'll I say to her? Oh, invite her out for a little refreshing drink. Hey, boy. Hello, Connie.
Would you care for a zombie?
[00:08:54] Unknown:
Missus Costello,
[00:08:56] Unknown:
are you proposing? No. I'm inviting you out, you know, like I did last week. Remember? I took you out. We had a Chinese dinner.
[00:09:02] Unknown:
Yes. And I'll never forget that Chinese dinner. It was the first time I ever ate in a laundry.
[00:09:08] Unknown:
Costello, how come you took Connie Hanes to dinner in a lunch? Well, I left my shirt there, and I wanted to have dinner on the cup. Oh, boy. Very funny. I'm a riot. I know I know a little story about a shirt too, but I can't tell it. Why not? It's too long a tail. Oh, look. Alright. Now please stop and join yourself. And cut off the nonsense, Costello. Connie, Costello really is a nice boy. Why can't you two get together tonight? Yeah. I'm sorry, mister Abbott, but I already have a boyfriend.
[00:09:40] Unknown:
You know, John Garfield. John Garfield?
[00:09:43] Unknown:
What has he got that I haven't got?
[00:09:46] Unknown:
Nothing. But he's willing to spend it. Well, good night, boys.
[00:09:53] Unknown:
How do you like that John Clark, you'll have it? Cutting in on the people on our show. Trying to steal Connie Hanes away from me. I'll tell that guy where to head in. Oh, you're getting very tough all of a sudden. You bet I am. I've been taking those physical culture exercises through the mail from Charles Gottman. You have, Right. Let me see your muscles. I don't get the muscles till next week. You. But I'm pretty strong. I'd like to see Garfield walk in that door right now. I'd tell him where to get off. Hello, boys. I'm John Garfield.
Costello, did I hear you say you're gonna tell me where to get off? Yeah. Where do you live? I live right here in Hollywood. Why did you get off at Sunset And Vine? Oh, no. Costello, be quiet. What's on your mind, John? I, just dropped in to tell my girlfriend, Connie Haynes, that I won't be able to see you tonight. You had an epic? He won't be able to see Harley tonight. Oh, goody. Goody. Just a minute, Costello. Don't ever let me catch you hanging around Connie, sir. You're jealous of me, hey, Carfield? Because you know I'll be stiff competition. You couldn't be competition even if you weren't stiff. Now look here, Garfield. I don't like your attitude.
And I warn you to withdraw. Suppose I refuse to withdraw. Then I withdraw my warning. I withdraw my Alright. Get together you two. And don't fight, boy. Let's settle these people. Look. I just wanna say one thing to Costello. Be smart, fat boy, and stay away from Connie Hanks. Is that so? What's the matter, Romeo? Are there any other girls in your life? Sure. But there ain't any life in my other girls. And Is that the same letter we got? Yeah. Sorry. Look, Cassella, please. That one got by me? Look, Carcela, if Connie is John's girlfriend, just stay away from her. After all, there are plenty of other fish in the sea. Who wants the spooner under the mooner with a tuna? Well, if I catch you with Connie, I will give you a belt with a smelt and ruin your health.
You wish, Danny, Garfield. I'm pretty tough. You're tough. Yeah. Why, Costello? I'm so tough. I don't shave my beard anymore. I burn it off with a blowtor. Ah, just a minute, fellas. Look, Step aside, Abbie. It's my turn. What do you mean your turn? Listen, Garfield. I'm so tough that I shave my beard with saddle soap, and then I dynamite the stuff. Look. I can't stand this anymore. I'll be running along at it. And don't forget to tell Connie I can't see her tonight. And as for you, Costello, remember what I said. So long, bud. Goodbye, stupid. Wait a minute, Carpio. Did you call me stupid? Yeah. I called you stupid. What about it? What about it? Well, someday you're gonna call a guy stupid who wink, and you're gonna get in a lot of fuss. 40 miles across the North Channel from Scotland is Northern Ireland and the Port Of Belfast,
[00:12:46] Unknown:
long familiar to United States Army and Navy men. To Americans in Belfast, to United States bases and outposts throughout the world, go Camel Cigarettes. Buy the million. Buy the ton. For camels are first with men in all the services according to actual sales record. Camel cigarettes in Ireland means fresh Camels around your corner. Yes. Camel's stay fresh, cool smoking, and slow burning because they're packed to go around the world. Both at home and overseas, more people want Camel, the fresh cigarette, the cigarette with more flavor. So remember, if your store is sold out, Camel cigarettes are worth asking for again. 6AM.
[00:13:27] Unknown:
Yeah.
[00:13:28] Unknown:
And Camel cigarettes. Camel standard of costlier tobaccos is the same for soldier, for civilian, anywhere in the world.
[00:13:40] Unknown:
When your heart goes bumpity pump, it's love, love, love. When your knees go knock it in now, it's love, love, love. Hey, Abbott. And tell me how I look without a shirt. Tell her. What what kind of announcement is that? Please. What kind of an outfit is that you've got on? Will you answer me, please? Where did you get those striped pants? Oh, how do you like them? These are my new Sears Roebuck plucking pants. Cut. Still all those pants are too tight. You can't even sit down in them. Who can't sit down in them? What's this? What was that? I think Sears just split with Roebuck.
Costello, what are you getting all dialed up for? Abbot, we are going over to call on Connie Haines. But, what about John Garfield? You heard what he said, Abbot. He ain't gonna be there. I'm taking over. Now wait a minute, Costello. If you insist on going over to Connie Hinge's house, you better take her a present. Now how about that statue of Cupid that you won at the bingo game? Oh, I couldn't give her that thing. A statue of Cupid with a clock in its stomach? Well, what's wrong with that? How would you like to have people look at your stomach and say, my my, it's half past eight. Uh-oh. How time flies? Oh, come on. Let's get going.
Abbott? What? This looks like Connie's apartment. I'm not on the door. Get away from the store and cut out that noise. I'm trying to sleep. I must have sleep. I've gotta have sleep, I tell you. Sleep. Sleep. Sleep. Who are you? Oh, just a lazy bum. Someday I'm gonna get a job like that. One laugh, wash up, and go home. Come on, Costello. Here's Connie Hinge's apartment. Her name's right here on the door.
[00:16:04] Unknown:
Well, hello, mister Abbott. Come right in and bring your little girlfriend.
[00:16:08] Unknown:
Girlfriend? What's wrong with you, Connie? Abbot? I know I shouldn't have worn this rose in my hair.
[00:16:17] Unknown:
Listen, Connie. I came over to spend the evening with you. But, mister Costello, I told you that I had a date with John Garfield.
[00:16:24] Unknown:
If he catches you here, he'll be very mad. But, Connie, John stopped by the studio and said said he wouldn't see you tonight. Well,
[00:16:31] Unknown:
in that case, I guess it's alright for you to come in. Now, boys, what would you like to do this evening? Let's mix.
[00:16:39] Unknown:
Now use wasted time. Now wait. Wait a minute, Cartella. You forget that I'm here. I only met with girls. Oh, boy. Oh, there's someone at the door. Who is it? It's me, Connie. John Garfield. I didn't have to work tonight after all. May I come in? John Garfield? How you like that double crossing rat? Sneaking over here when my back is done. Honey, we've got to do something.
[00:17:05] Unknown:
You murder Costello. I know what to do. Just a minute, John, honey. I'm baking a cake. If he ever gets in here, he'll crack my frosting. Now now quick, mister Costello. Go in my bedroom, put on one of my dresses, and I'll introduce you as mister Abba's girlfriend. Now go ahead. Hurry. I'll let John in.
[00:17:25] Unknown:
I I I don't like this. Alright. Alright. Alright. After all, I'm not in a lot of quiet sort of stuff now. Quiet. I mean, don't don't Will you keep quiet, please? Come on, Costello. Get into these things. Here. Put this on first. I don't like this. That's all. Put it on. Put it on.
[00:17:37] Unknown:
Put it on. Put it on. Put it on. Put it on. Put it on. Put it on. It's
[00:17:39] Unknown:
how you're gonna look. Alright. Never mind that. Put it on. Hurry up. What's this thing? That's a girdle. It's it's a one way stretch. No good for me. I stretch four way. I Shut up, please, and hurry. Now slip this dress over your head. Here. Turn your back, bro. Here. Go on. Put it on. Turn your head away. I hear my head is turning. At least I'm bashful. Alright. Go ahead. There there you are. That's it. Alright. Now let's go. Alright. Now it'll swell. Do I look like a little girl? Yes. Yes. Yes. Now if you're not gonna talk like one, yes, you have to. We've got in the living room, and remember, you're supposed to be a girl. Well, hello. Wait a minute. What are you doing here? Oh,
[00:18:17] Unknown:
I just brought my girlfriend over, John. I'd I'd like you to meet miss,
[00:18:22] Unknown:
Oh, my name is Lula Castellanos. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Castellanos. Yes. Miss Castellanos. Well, shut my mouth. I'm all from South Madison. Oh, well, that's swell. Connie, put on some records and we'll dance. Get out that romantic song, Hold That Tiger. But, Hold That Tiger isn't romantic. It is to another tiger. Uh-oh.
[00:18:46] Unknown:
John, I'll dance with mister Abba and you dance with Lulu. Oh, now wait a minute. I okay.
[00:18:53] Unknown:
Come into my arms, my proud beauty. Oh, I'm not proud. You're no beauty either. I said you were no beauty either. I heard you that first time. It told me that pain.
[00:19:05] Unknown:
Say, like, you got the same writers I got. I guess so.
[00:19:10] Unknown:
By the way, Lulu, do you remember? Only when I eat radishes. You know, you know you're kinda cute, Lulu. Here, let me hold you a little closer. Closer. Oh, cut it out. Closer. There. Oh, John. That's close enough. It should be. You're breathing in my back pocket. Pocket? I never ever heard of a girl having a back pocket. Well, we, Southern girls, have to have some place to carry our corn poams.
[00:19:44] Unknown:
Now go ahead, John. You dance with Lulu, and I'll go out and see how my cake is coming along.
[00:19:51] Unknown:
Well, I think I could've finished with mister Levitt. He's the man that's rung me. Oh. Oh, that's alright, Lulu. I I I'm not jealous. Go ahead and dance with John. Are you kidding, Abbott? Go ahead. Be out of this. Go ahead. It's alright. Lulu. Let's cut a rug. Lulu, dear. What is that noise? And that was my daughter. It's a long pull from my girdle to my bobby socks. You know, you know, I like you, Lulu. You have such a nice figure. Oh, do you really think so, John? Yes. You have such a nice little tummy. Chummy? Yes. A combination chest and tummy. Well, you do seem to be getting along fine. I think I'll go out in the kitchen with Connie.
Oh, good. Fastly, we're we're alone. That's what I'm afraid of. Well, let me crush you in my arm. Mother told me that would be nice like this. What's the matter with your little? Mom. Little, what's the matter? You have no warm. What do you think this is? Puppy love? It's mustard. Your nose is so cold. Please, Lulu. Ladies and gentlemen, I'm only kidding. Please, Lulu, can't you see the light of love dancing in my eyes? As I draw you through me, don't you feel a spark in a fire? Yes. I do feel a spark in a fire. Is it love? No. Your Camel cigarette is sticking in my ear. You can't deny me any longer, Lulu. Let me kiss you. No. No, John. Not today. Please, Lolo. Just one kiss. No. No, John. Not today. Lolo, why do you keep on saying not today?
Because today, I am a mess. Get them out of
[00:21:34] Unknown:
here.
[00:21:37] Unknown:
Evan and Tuscalo will be back in just a moment.
Judy's Discovery of Chumba Casino
Wedding Shenanigans and Misunderstandings
Costello's Romantic Aspirations
Radio Reporter and Cigarette Sponsor
Costello's Tough Talk and John Garfield
Costello's Date with Connie
Disguise and Dance with John Garfield
