In this lively episode, we dive into a comedic skit featuring the classic duo, Abbott and Costello. The scene is set in a beauty parlor owned by Costello, who hilariously navigates the challenges of running a business with his unique charm and wit. From concocting a new hair growth formula to dealing with quirky customers, Costello's antics are sure to leave you in stitches. Abbott, ever the straight man, tries to keep things on track, but Costello's unpredictable nature leads to a series of laugh-out-loud moments.
As the episode unfolds, we encounter a series of humorous exchanges with various characters, including Costello's girlfriend and a few surprise guests. The comedic timing and clever wordplay are reminiscent of the golden age of radio comedy, capturing the essence of Abbott and Costello's legendary humor. Whether it's a misunderstanding about beauty treatments or a playful jab at each other's expense, this episode is a delightful throwback to classic comedy that will entertain listeners of all ages.
(00:00) Introduction and Game Show Parody
(01:16) Abbott and Costello's Beauty Parlor
(08:52) Costello's Romantic Misadventures
(14:09) Door-to-Door Beauty Treatments
(19:01) Mrs. Niles' Beauty Treatment
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[00:00:01]
Unknown:
Okay. Round two. Name something that's not boring.
[00:00:05] Unknown:
A laundry? Oh, a book club. Computer solitaire.
[00:00:12] Unknown:
Sorry. We were looking for Chumba Casino. Chumba. That's right. Chumbacasino.com has over a hundred casino style games. Join today and play for free for your chance to redeem some serious prizes. Chumba. Chumba casino dot com. No purchase at all. We're good at the buy law. 18 plus starts, editions apply, see website for details. With Lucky Land slots, you can get lucky just about anywhere. Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to has anyone seen the bride and groom?
[00:00:39] Unknown:
Sorry. Sorry. We're here. We were getting lucky in the limo, and we lost track of time.
[00:00:44] Unknown:
No. Lucky Land Casino with cash prizes that add up quicker than a guest registry. In that case, I pronounce you lucky. Play for free at luckylandslots.com. Daily bonuses are waiting. No purchase necessary. Boyd, we're prohibited by law. 18 plus. Terms and conditions apply. See website for details.
[00:01:17] Unknown:
The Abbott and Costello program, starring Bud Abbott and Lou Costello, brought to you by Camel, the cigarette of costly or properly aged tobacco. The Abbott and Costello program with a modern rhythm of Will Osborne and his orchestra, Iris Adrian, our singing star, Connie Haines. And spotlighting that chunky, chubby little cherub, who went caught throwing eggs in the electric fan because he heard his uncle Archie Seven liked his eggs scrambled, calmly said, I'm a bad boy.
[00:02:04] Unknown:
Uh-huh. There you are, Costello. Come here, Costello.
[00:02:09] Unknown:
Do you realize that I've been looking all over town for you? What are you doing in this beauty parlor? Oh, this is my beauty parlor, Abbot. What do you mean? I made up my mind that I was gonna start off the new year a success. Yes. So I bought it. See? That's my name on the window. Louis a Costello. Louis a Costello? What does the a stand for? That stands for my middle name, Atomic Bomb.
[00:02:30] Unknown:
Your middle name is Atomic Bomb? Oh, yeah.
[00:02:32] Unknown:
The day I was born, my father took one look at me and blew up. Please, Costello. Talk, Sam. How can a dummy like you run a beauty shop? Oh, I've got a lot of pisses with my new slogan addict. She she's here on the wall. To say. How can I read it? Louis Costello removes all wrinkles from your sister, your puppy, your mummy. I take the wrinkles out of your face and drop them down to your tummy. Oh,
[00:02:57] Unknown:
I think the poem is bummy. Bummy. Yes. Yes. This is the silliest thing I ever heard of.
[00:03:03] Unknown:
You're you're no beauty expert. What's the matter with you? Oh, no. I just concocted a new hair grower, Abbot. It's wonderful. Nah. Nah. Don't hand me that stuff. There's no preparation that can grow hair. Oh, all I know is I stole some of my cat last night. Then what happened? We got the only cat in Hollywood that looks like Jerry Colonna. Oh. Hey. Yeah. But this stuff will even grow hair on a period ball. Does it really work? Yeah. But it sure slows up the
[00:03:28] Unknown:
game. Costello, why did you open up this beauty parlor without my wife's advice? Why did you why did you open this up without my wife's advice? You know that my wife is an expert, beautician. Didn't you ever see my wife waving her hair? No. But I saw her shaking it out the window. I know. I'll stop that.
[00:03:45] Unknown:
Never mind that. Dear wife, Barbara Fritchie. Never mind that. Shaking it out the window. Yes. Yes. Yes. My wife is also an expert at face massage.
[00:03:53] Unknown:
Every morning, she she massages her face with a juice of a lemon. I wonder what gave her that sour pussy. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Castello. Now now, I resent that, Costello. People have told me that my wife resembles Veronica Lee. Yeah. She wears her nose over one eye. Is she Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Costello. I mean, how is your wife good tonight? Well, I'll talk to you after the program. Costello, I can tell you that you know absolutely nothing about running a beauty shop. Look. Suppose a woman came in here right now and asked for a shampoo. Sham what? Poo. Poo.
[00:04:26] Unknown:
Poo poo to your girl. Look. Look. Look. Look.
[00:04:30] Unknown:
Look. How would you give a a hen a ranch? How would I what? How would you give a hen a ranch? I'd take the hen and tip her in a bowl of water. No. No. No. You idiot. I I didn't say hen. I said henna. Henna is a a shade of a hair. What kind of shade does your girl have? I don't know. She never pulled you down. No. No. No. Henna is a color. For example, your girlfriend has henna colored hair. She's Tisha. She's what? Your girlfriend is Tisha. No. She ain't. She quit teaching when she was a baby.
[00:04:57] Unknown:
She's not all her Tisha. No. Tisha. Hey. She she cleans her Tisha every night with
[00:05:03] Unknown:
Oh, geez. Yeah. She she screens her t shirt every night with toothpaste. There you go. Who writes this stuff? Never mind. That's, look,
[00:05:09] Unknown:
there's all that silly talk of yours. Because tell her, you never get a customer to come to this beauty shop. Oh, yes. I will. No. You won't. Yes. I'm sending out these wonderful pictures. Just look at them, Adam. It's a picture of Monty Willy in a nightshirt. Oh, you dope. Those are calendars for the new year. That old man is for the time. Oh, is that part of time? Sure.
[00:05:26] Unknown:
You see, he's got a long white beard, and that thing he's holding is a sickle. Do you know what a sickle is for? Sure. To cut his beard. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No
[00:05:57] Unknown:
Look. Look, Costello. The sickle I'm talking about cockles off the hook. But you don't know what I'm talking about. That's a bird, germacle. But, Lou, me. The sickle I'm talking about is a side. See? The old man is holding his side. Well, if he's holding his side, then then that that must be the side he's sickle on. No. No. What are you talking about, please? Well, you said if he was sickle, he was holding his side. If he's if he's sickle on his right side, that could be very dangerous. He might have a pender sickle. Oh, look. Please. Nutella, Father time and the sickle representing a whole year. And this little baby picture alongside of him on the calendar is the new year. Oh, he's a cute little baby abbot, but he certainly wears expensive clothes. Expensive clothes. Look at the price tag on his diaper. $19.46.
[00:06:36] Unknown:
19 40 6 is the new year. What's wrong with you, Costello? Nineteen forty six is the new year, and all the time is the old year. Now next Monday night, we ring out the old man. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Why ring out the old man? I don't know. Alright. Look. I'll tell you what we do. Now look. I please just be quiet. I'll tell you what we do. I give up everything. You understand? I give up too. Alright. Alright. Just give up. Just so say a word. Super sensible. They should give up too. Look. I don't know why I always waste time with you. I I'm going home. Oh, Abbot. Please don't go. I want you to try my new haircut machine. Just stick your head in here, and I'll turn it on. Go ahead.
[00:07:13] Unknown:
Hey, Abbot. This machine is wonderful. It changes your whole appearance. What do you mean changed my whole appearance? What did you do to my head? Oh, I just brought out the natural brilliance.
[00:07:22] Unknown:
Would you say I'm no longer a blonde? No. I wouldn't say that. Would you say I was a redhead? No. I wouldn't say that either. Would you say I was a brunette? Definitely not. Then for heaven's sakes, what would you call me? Hello, Waltie. Hello,
[00:07:36] Unknown:
boy. Hello, customer's dealership. Do you do up ladies' hair in buns? Yes. I do. What do you do with all the crumbs? Hey. That's a very funny joke. I think I'll pull her on that. I have it. Do you do up ladies' hair in buns? No. I always put a right in their hair. Now what am I gonna do with the crumbs?
[00:07:57] Unknown:
Oh, you're stuck, aren't you? No. I can always do the clumps to the rat. Look, why don't you cut out these stale jokes and get busy and clean up this place? Throw those dirty towels and that hamper over there. Okay. Costello. Castello. What happened? What kind of towels were those? Cannon towels. Yeah. Cut that one over with a bang, didn't it? Oh,
[00:08:22] Unknown:
let me out of here. Oh, let me out of here. I've gotta get out of here. Please let me out of here so I can play with those other little rabbits. Hey. Who are you? Oh, just a little ingrown hair.
[00:08:35] Unknown:
That guy look as hey. That guy looked as dumb as a rabbit. And he does it good. So darn he.
[00:08:43] Unknown:
He's dumb than a rabbit. A rabbit knows his arithmetic. Yeah. Surely.
[00:08:50] Unknown:
Is this a beauty shop? Yeah. Yes. It is. Well, save me your beauty for 08:00.
[00:08:58] Unknown:
Hey. You know I passed your house last night and I saw the Christmas tree lit up on the porch? Oh, the tree is in the living room. That was me. Costello, what kind of a place is this? You haven't had a customer today. Oh, hey, Amber. Look who's coming across the street. It's the actress, Bessie Maine Mucho.
[00:09:16] Unknown:
Hello, boy. I just dropped in to congratulate you on the opening of your new shop. I think it's just too too enchanting.
[00:09:23] Unknown:
Yes. Yes. It's the being.
[00:09:31] Unknown:
I'd like to make an appointment for saw today afternoon.
[00:09:34] Unknown:
Saw saw today afternoon.
[00:09:36] Unknown:
Oh, yes, Abby. You know what saw today is. That's the day after fruit day and the day before Tuesday.
[00:09:45] Unknown:
Yes. I'm going to see the big football classic, New Year's Day out at Pasadena. Oh, yes. Pasadena's lovely place.
[00:09:52] Unknown:
That's the home of the Rose Bowl. I could've said that now.
[00:09:59] Unknown:
I can hardly wait to see all Obama play. Are you betting on all Obama? No. I'm putting all my money on the Trojans.
[00:10:10] Unknown:
Oh, mister Costello, you are the cutest man. You make me feel so romantic. Oh, yeah. I feel like squeezing your hand. Why don't you put your arms around me and give me a bit of food? Maybe you would like to have my loops.
[00:10:27] Unknown:
Hey. Hey. Hey. Uh-oh, Costello. Here's your girlfriend. Lean against it.
[00:10:32] Unknown:
Well, Costello, I finally caught you with your arms around another girl. You poor man, Tommy Manville.
[00:10:41] Unknown:
I mean, I can't help it. Miss Luther likes me. She thinks I'm all the movie stars well into one. That one in the back must be Andy Devine. Lana, Lena, don't say that. How are you two guys to be friends? Miss Mucho, say hello to Lena. Lena, say hello to miss Mucho. How quiet the hellos are tonight?
[00:11:06] Unknown:
Miss Mucho, I've seen you in lots of pictures. Didn't you play the title role in Lassie Come Home?
[00:11:13] Unknown:
How charming you are. I seem to recognize you, so where are you wrestling tonight?
[00:11:22] Unknown:
Have you catched your milk today?
[00:11:27] Unknown:
Look, miss Mucho. Keep away from Costello. His arms belong to me. But his lips belong to me. His brain belongs to me. Wait a minute. I'm getting the short end of this.
[00:11:43] Unknown:
Will I just be running along, mister Costello? I'll see you tomorrow. I'll have some manana to you. A peeled scallopino to you.
[00:11:50] Unknown:
Hey. You know my French has improved them.
[00:11:55] Unknown:
Well, Costello,
[00:11:56] Unknown:
this is the end of everything between us. Now wait a minute, Lena. That wasn't Costello's fault. Please, Donna. No, Lena. I can't help it if I have a winning personality. I can turn my charm on and off like a boss. You must have a loose washer.
[00:12:12] Unknown:
All I can hear is a little drip.
[00:12:15] Unknown:
Oh, don't pay any attention to him, Lina. Look, he isn't very, b r I g h t.
[00:12:22] Unknown:
Yes. He does appear to be a little, s t u p I d. Yes. I heard that.
[00:12:30] Unknown:
What do you think I am? A d o p p?
[00:12:38] Unknown:
I'm through with you, Costello. I'm going back to Brooklyn and marry my old sweetheart, mister Schultz, the grocery man. How about me? And mister Schultz is 70 years old, and you're only 25.
[00:12:48] Unknown:
Did you ever hear of a December romance? Yeah. But he's going over into the January.
[00:12:55] Unknown:
There's no use arguing, Costello. This is good boss.
[00:12:59] Unknown:
Oh, no. No. Well, if that's the way you want it, will you write to me from Brooklyn? You will write to me, won't you? Why should I write to you from Brooklyn? I'd just like to know how the tree is doing.
[00:13:15] Unknown:
Just as I thought, you always were a silly little twerp, and you'll never be anything else. Goodbye and good written
[00:13:23] Unknown:
Well, Costello,
[00:13:25] Unknown:
your girlfriend walked out on you. Yes. And I thought I was gonna be such a big success in the coming year. I guess it's no use, Abbott. I might as well close-up this beauty shop. I'm no good.
[00:13:36] Unknown:
I'm a failure. You certainly are. Well, you don't know how to treat people. You you don't know how to be nice to people. That's all. You're right, Abbot, and I'm gonna go away.
[00:13:46] Unknown:
I'm gonna go someplace and join a organization that will teach me to have good friends and do nice things. I'll join the campfire girls. No. No. Castell, even if you're late, I'm in Japan. I'm gonna join the campfire girls. Please. Please. You mean the boy scouts? Campfire girls are all women. You join what you like, and I'll join what I like.
[00:14:09] Unknown:
Well, come on, Costello. Step on the gas. Hey. Wait a minute, Abbot. Where are we going? Well, I'm not gonna let you give up your beauty business. I'm gonna show you how to sell beauty treatments from house to house. Now this looks like a good neighborhood. Stop the car. Okay. I'll stop it here at the corner of Second Street.
[00:14:30] Unknown:
Ninth Street is close enough. What breaks?
[00:14:38] Unknown:
The breaks are on ice skates. Yes. Yes. Arnaud. Here's a nice looking house, Costello. Knock on the door and tell the woman you'd like to give her a beauty treatment. But suppose she slams the door on my face? Old nonsense. The mother woman never slams the door on a salesman's face. Oh, that's different.
[00:14:52] Unknown:
Well, I'd like to sell you a nice boy, is she old fashioned. Well, what are you knocking again for? I just wanna get my nose out of the door. Yes. Whose line is it now? That's yours. We didn't it's alright. I like that. Thank you. We
[00:15:25] Unknown:
We didn't do any good there, did we? No. No. No. Come on. We didn't do any good here either. Come on, Cartella. Let's start with this next house and see our old Scotch friend, mister Brown. Hey. Well, sign lost.
[00:15:38] Unknown:
Hey. There's Kelly Brown in the window now. I'll I'll I'll wish for a Scotty. Go ahead.
[00:15:48] Unknown:
I wish you would not whistle in front of my house. Why not? Well, every time anybody whistles, it wakes up my canary. He reaches down and eats another bird's head. Scotty, Costello. Costello is going from house to house selling beauty treatments. Hey, Scotty. Come on. Let me curl your wife's hair for 50¢. No. Thanks, Lottie. I do that myself. I was just about to curl her hair when you come to the door. You can watch me if you like. Are you ready to have me curl your hair, dearie? Alright. Stop it. Alright. Here we go. Chapter 27. As the poor girl descended the steps that led to the tank and was the old seller, A long hairy arm reached out and grabbed her by the throat.
That did it. That makes her hair curl every time. Good day. Well, how do you like that guy? Skewing his wife to make her hair curl up. Oh, that's nothing. He makes his kids cry to water the flower beds. Hey. Wait a minute. Hey. Look who's coming down the street. It's our old friend, officer Millenhead, the police. Hello, boy. Hi. I can't stop the company now, Millenhead. I'm going from house to house selling beauty treatment. Oh, you won't stop at my house,
[00:16:58] Unknown:
You wouldn't fix my wife's hair. You wanted to take her hair off and send it over to your shop. Go ahead. Tell everybody my wife wears a wig. Your wife wears a wig? Your wife wears a wig? Go on. Start a rumor. Look, Mel ahead. Your wife has lovely black hair. It's as black as cold. Oh, Go on. Say it. Say that you saw her shoveling it into her snooze. I know what you're thinking. Why don't you say it? Because tell her my wife is ugly. She's got lips as rough as shoe leather. Madeline, has that isn't true? Your wife's lips are as nice and sweet and smooth. Oh, you found that out. So you're the guy my mother-in-law saw running out the door the other night. Oh, now he's dragging my mother-in-law into this. I didn't even expect to your mother-in-law. Sure. My mother not worth talking about, Why don't you say it? My mother-in-law is uglier than my wife. Look. Can you say that, Mela? Hell, I think your mother-in-law is beautiful. Get a load of this dope. My mother-in-law has a mustache and a three inch wart on her nose. He calls her beautiful.
[00:17:54] Unknown:
Oh, sorry. I don't wanna argue with you. I'm just trying to be a success in 1946.
[00:17:58] Unknown:
I just want you to have a nice happy new year. Oh, you want me to have a happy new year, but you wouldn't wish me a real happy new year. Okay. I wish you a happy new year. Just one, I should have one happy new year, and the rest of my life, I should be miserable. Okay. Have two happy new years. Three four, have 10 happy new years. Oh, you're just throwing them at me. You wouldn't say them with feelings. Oh, he's right, Costello. Come on. Let's wish him a rousing, good happy New Year. Come on. Okay. How do you like these two guys? Here it is four days before New Year, and they're both plastered already.
[00:18:46] Unknown:
Come on, Fatima. Let's try one more house. No, I'm disgusted, but I feel like giving the whole thing Don't be silly. I'm sure we can sell a treatment of this house. We're here, right next door. Why, this is where Mrs. Niles lives. Go ahead. Ring the doorbell.
[00:19:01] Unknown:
Hello, Mrs. Niles. Hello, Ms. Rabbit. I see you're out walking your big fat bulldog. Pardon me, it's you, Costello.
[00:19:15] Unknown:
Yes. Look, Mrs. Niles,
[00:19:18] Unknown:
Costello is starting a new business, giving beauty treatments. Yes, Mrs. Niles. You look like you need a little work done on your face. Oh, I do, What's wrong with my face? Oh, nothing. I was just wondering how the horse looks without it.
[00:19:32] Unknown:
Quiet, Costello. It wouldn't take much work, missus Niles, to bring out your real beauty. Oh, you really think so? Quite. Well, it was just a few years ago, I had all the young men chasing after
[00:19:44] Unknown:
me. Oh, I wonder how I wonder how I could get them to chase after me again. Why don't you try carrying a ball in the rose bowl gator?
[00:19:52] Unknown:
Please, Priscilla. Now, miss Niles, if you just sit down here in the chair, we'll start off with a nice egg shampoo. Yes. Come here,
[00:20:01] Unknown:
Betty. Joe, what are you doing with that chicken? Oh, we use only fresh egg. Now just sit back while I put Betty on your head. Go ahead, Betty. Do your stuff. Oh, a double yolk.
[00:20:22] Unknown:
Oh,
[00:20:23] Unknown:
you get out of here. But I can't leave the house now, missus Miles. I just noticed that your skin needs lifting. What do you mean? You think my skin is too loose? Oh, no. It's just the opposite. Your skin is a little too tight. Here, I'll lift your skin and show you. My word, my skin is tight. Tight? Every time you bend your knees, your mouth flies open. Come on, Cartella. Get busy. I've got the mud pack already. Yes, mister Niles. This mud pack is my grandmother's special. It's her special formula. It caves the weight of beauty. Help me put it on, Abbott. Here, I'll take one side of her face and you take the other. Okay. We'll make her nose the dividing line. No. Let's divide it in the middle. Okay. Well, there's mud in your eye.
[00:21:13] Unknown:
My heaven. This mud is getting to harden on my face already. Look. I I I tried to move my jaw. Yeah. This stuff has got a lot of good qualities. Oh, I'm getting to draw my face up. Get it off. You hear? Get it off. Wait. Wait. There's a couple of ways to get it off. Well, just tell me one way. You'll have to take your pick.
[00:21:32] Unknown:
Oh.
[00:21:35] Unknown:
Oh, you idiot. This stuff is as hard as a rock, and you said it was paved the way to beauty. Yes. It was my grand my grandmother's special formula. Well, Castelli, you shouldn't have used it. It's all your fault. No. It isn't my fault. Then it's your grandmother's fault. No. It isn't my fault, and it isn't my grandmother's fault. Then whose fault is it? It's our fault.
Okay. Round two. Name something that's not boring.
[00:00:05] Unknown:
A laundry? Oh, a book club. Computer solitaire.
[00:00:12] Unknown:
Sorry. We were looking for Chumba Casino. Chumba. That's right. Chumbacasino.com has over a hundred casino style games. Join today and play for free for your chance to redeem some serious prizes. Chumba. Chumba casino dot com. No purchase at all. We're good at the buy law. 18 plus starts, editions apply, see website for details. With Lucky Land slots, you can get lucky just about anywhere. Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to has anyone seen the bride and groom?
[00:00:39] Unknown:
Sorry. Sorry. We're here. We were getting lucky in the limo, and we lost track of time.
[00:00:44] Unknown:
No. Lucky Land Casino with cash prizes that add up quicker than a guest registry. In that case, I pronounce you lucky. Play for free at luckylandslots.com. Daily bonuses are waiting. No purchase necessary. Boyd, we're prohibited by law. 18 plus. Terms and conditions apply. See website for details.
[00:01:17] Unknown:
The Abbott and Costello program, starring Bud Abbott and Lou Costello, brought to you by Camel, the cigarette of costly or properly aged tobacco. The Abbott and Costello program with a modern rhythm of Will Osborne and his orchestra, Iris Adrian, our singing star, Connie Haines. And spotlighting that chunky, chubby little cherub, who went caught throwing eggs in the electric fan because he heard his uncle Archie Seven liked his eggs scrambled, calmly said, I'm a bad boy.
[00:02:04] Unknown:
Uh-huh. There you are, Costello. Come here, Costello.
[00:02:09] Unknown:
Do you realize that I've been looking all over town for you? What are you doing in this beauty parlor? Oh, this is my beauty parlor, Abbot. What do you mean? I made up my mind that I was gonna start off the new year a success. Yes. So I bought it. See? That's my name on the window. Louis a Costello. Louis a Costello? What does the a stand for? That stands for my middle name, Atomic Bomb.
[00:02:30] Unknown:
Your middle name is Atomic Bomb? Oh, yeah.
[00:02:32] Unknown:
The day I was born, my father took one look at me and blew up. Please, Costello. Talk, Sam. How can a dummy like you run a beauty shop? Oh, I've got a lot of pisses with my new slogan addict. She she's here on the wall. To say. How can I read it? Louis Costello removes all wrinkles from your sister, your puppy, your mummy. I take the wrinkles out of your face and drop them down to your tummy. Oh,
[00:02:57] Unknown:
I think the poem is bummy. Bummy. Yes. Yes. This is the silliest thing I ever heard of.
[00:03:03] Unknown:
You're you're no beauty expert. What's the matter with you? Oh, no. I just concocted a new hair grower, Abbot. It's wonderful. Nah. Nah. Don't hand me that stuff. There's no preparation that can grow hair. Oh, all I know is I stole some of my cat last night. Then what happened? We got the only cat in Hollywood that looks like Jerry Colonna. Oh. Hey. Yeah. But this stuff will even grow hair on a period ball. Does it really work? Yeah. But it sure slows up the
[00:03:28] Unknown:
game. Costello, why did you open up this beauty parlor without my wife's advice? Why did you why did you open this up without my wife's advice? You know that my wife is an expert, beautician. Didn't you ever see my wife waving her hair? No. But I saw her shaking it out the window. I know. I'll stop that.
[00:03:45] Unknown:
Never mind that. Dear wife, Barbara Fritchie. Never mind that. Shaking it out the window. Yes. Yes. Yes. My wife is also an expert at face massage.
[00:03:53] Unknown:
Every morning, she she massages her face with a juice of a lemon. I wonder what gave her that sour pussy. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Castello. Now now, I resent that, Costello. People have told me that my wife resembles Veronica Lee. Yeah. She wears her nose over one eye. Is she Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Costello. I mean, how is your wife good tonight? Well, I'll talk to you after the program. Costello, I can tell you that you know absolutely nothing about running a beauty shop. Look. Suppose a woman came in here right now and asked for a shampoo. Sham what? Poo. Poo.
[00:04:26] Unknown:
Poo poo to your girl. Look. Look. Look. Look.
[00:04:30] Unknown:
Look. How would you give a a hen a ranch? How would I what? How would you give a hen a ranch? I'd take the hen and tip her in a bowl of water. No. No. No. You idiot. I I didn't say hen. I said henna. Henna is a a shade of a hair. What kind of shade does your girl have? I don't know. She never pulled you down. No. No. No. Henna is a color. For example, your girlfriend has henna colored hair. She's Tisha. She's what? Your girlfriend is Tisha. No. She ain't. She quit teaching when she was a baby.
[00:04:57] Unknown:
She's not all her Tisha. No. Tisha. Hey. She she cleans her Tisha every night with
[00:05:03] Unknown:
Oh, geez. Yeah. She she screens her t shirt every night with toothpaste. There you go. Who writes this stuff? Never mind. That's, look,
[00:05:09] Unknown:
there's all that silly talk of yours. Because tell her, you never get a customer to come to this beauty shop. Oh, yes. I will. No. You won't. Yes. I'm sending out these wonderful pictures. Just look at them, Adam. It's a picture of Monty Willy in a nightshirt. Oh, you dope. Those are calendars for the new year. That old man is for the time. Oh, is that part of time? Sure.
[00:05:26] Unknown:
You see, he's got a long white beard, and that thing he's holding is a sickle. Do you know what a sickle is for? Sure. To cut his beard. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No
[00:05:57] Unknown:
Look. Look, Costello. The sickle I'm talking about cockles off the hook. But you don't know what I'm talking about. That's a bird, germacle. But, Lou, me. The sickle I'm talking about is a side. See? The old man is holding his side. Well, if he's holding his side, then then that that must be the side he's sickle on. No. No. What are you talking about, please? Well, you said if he was sickle, he was holding his side. If he's if he's sickle on his right side, that could be very dangerous. He might have a pender sickle. Oh, look. Please. Nutella, Father time and the sickle representing a whole year. And this little baby picture alongside of him on the calendar is the new year. Oh, he's a cute little baby abbot, but he certainly wears expensive clothes. Expensive clothes. Look at the price tag on his diaper. $19.46.
[00:06:36] Unknown:
19 40 6 is the new year. What's wrong with you, Costello? Nineteen forty six is the new year, and all the time is the old year. Now next Monday night, we ring out the old man. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Why ring out the old man? I don't know. Alright. Look. I'll tell you what we do. Now look. I please just be quiet. I'll tell you what we do. I give up everything. You understand? I give up too. Alright. Alright. Just give up. Just so say a word. Super sensible. They should give up too. Look. I don't know why I always waste time with you. I I'm going home. Oh, Abbot. Please don't go. I want you to try my new haircut machine. Just stick your head in here, and I'll turn it on. Go ahead.
[00:07:13] Unknown:
Hey, Abbot. This machine is wonderful. It changes your whole appearance. What do you mean changed my whole appearance? What did you do to my head? Oh, I just brought out the natural brilliance.
[00:07:22] Unknown:
Would you say I'm no longer a blonde? No. I wouldn't say that. Would you say I was a redhead? No. I wouldn't say that either. Would you say I was a brunette? Definitely not. Then for heaven's sakes, what would you call me? Hello, Waltie. Hello,
[00:07:36] Unknown:
boy. Hello, customer's dealership. Do you do up ladies' hair in buns? Yes. I do. What do you do with all the crumbs? Hey. That's a very funny joke. I think I'll pull her on that. I have it. Do you do up ladies' hair in buns? No. I always put a right in their hair. Now what am I gonna do with the crumbs?
[00:07:57] Unknown:
Oh, you're stuck, aren't you? No. I can always do the clumps to the rat. Look, why don't you cut out these stale jokes and get busy and clean up this place? Throw those dirty towels and that hamper over there. Okay. Costello. Castello. What happened? What kind of towels were those? Cannon towels. Yeah. Cut that one over with a bang, didn't it? Oh,
[00:08:22] Unknown:
let me out of here. Oh, let me out of here. I've gotta get out of here. Please let me out of here so I can play with those other little rabbits. Hey. Who are you? Oh, just a little ingrown hair.
[00:08:35] Unknown:
That guy look as hey. That guy looked as dumb as a rabbit. And he does it good. So darn he.
[00:08:43] Unknown:
He's dumb than a rabbit. A rabbit knows his arithmetic. Yeah. Surely.
[00:08:50] Unknown:
Is this a beauty shop? Yeah. Yes. It is. Well, save me your beauty for 08:00.
[00:08:58] Unknown:
Hey. You know I passed your house last night and I saw the Christmas tree lit up on the porch? Oh, the tree is in the living room. That was me. Costello, what kind of a place is this? You haven't had a customer today. Oh, hey, Amber. Look who's coming across the street. It's the actress, Bessie Maine Mucho.
[00:09:16] Unknown:
Hello, boy. I just dropped in to congratulate you on the opening of your new shop. I think it's just too too enchanting.
[00:09:23] Unknown:
Yes. Yes. It's the being.
[00:09:31] Unknown:
I'd like to make an appointment for saw today afternoon.
[00:09:34] Unknown:
Saw saw today afternoon.
[00:09:36] Unknown:
Oh, yes, Abby. You know what saw today is. That's the day after fruit day and the day before Tuesday.
[00:09:45] Unknown:
Yes. I'm going to see the big football classic, New Year's Day out at Pasadena. Oh, yes. Pasadena's lovely place.
[00:09:52] Unknown:
That's the home of the Rose Bowl. I could've said that now.
[00:09:59] Unknown:
I can hardly wait to see all Obama play. Are you betting on all Obama? No. I'm putting all my money on the Trojans.
[00:10:10] Unknown:
Oh, mister Costello, you are the cutest man. You make me feel so romantic. Oh, yeah. I feel like squeezing your hand. Why don't you put your arms around me and give me a bit of food? Maybe you would like to have my loops.
[00:10:27] Unknown:
Hey. Hey. Hey. Uh-oh, Costello. Here's your girlfriend. Lean against it.
[00:10:32] Unknown:
Well, Costello, I finally caught you with your arms around another girl. You poor man, Tommy Manville.
[00:10:41] Unknown:
I mean, I can't help it. Miss Luther likes me. She thinks I'm all the movie stars well into one. That one in the back must be Andy Devine. Lana, Lena, don't say that. How are you two guys to be friends? Miss Mucho, say hello to Lena. Lena, say hello to miss Mucho. How quiet the hellos are tonight?
[00:11:06] Unknown:
Miss Mucho, I've seen you in lots of pictures. Didn't you play the title role in Lassie Come Home?
[00:11:13] Unknown:
How charming you are. I seem to recognize you, so where are you wrestling tonight?
[00:11:22] Unknown:
Have you catched your milk today?
[00:11:27] Unknown:
Look, miss Mucho. Keep away from Costello. His arms belong to me. But his lips belong to me. His brain belongs to me. Wait a minute. I'm getting the short end of this.
[00:11:43] Unknown:
Will I just be running along, mister Costello? I'll see you tomorrow. I'll have some manana to you. A peeled scallopino to you.
[00:11:50] Unknown:
Hey. You know my French has improved them.
[00:11:55] Unknown:
Well, Costello,
[00:11:56] Unknown:
this is the end of everything between us. Now wait a minute, Lena. That wasn't Costello's fault. Please, Donna. No, Lena. I can't help it if I have a winning personality. I can turn my charm on and off like a boss. You must have a loose washer.
[00:12:12] Unknown:
All I can hear is a little drip.
[00:12:15] Unknown:
Oh, don't pay any attention to him, Lina. Look, he isn't very, b r I g h t.
[00:12:22] Unknown:
Yes. He does appear to be a little, s t u p I d. Yes. I heard that.
[00:12:30] Unknown:
What do you think I am? A d o p p?
[00:12:38] Unknown:
I'm through with you, Costello. I'm going back to Brooklyn and marry my old sweetheart, mister Schultz, the grocery man. How about me? And mister Schultz is 70 years old, and you're only 25.
[00:12:48] Unknown:
Did you ever hear of a December romance? Yeah. But he's going over into the January.
[00:12:55] Unknown:
There's no use arguing, Costello. This is good boss.
[00:12:59] Unknown:
Oh, no. No. Well, if that's the way you want it, will you write to me from Brooklyn? You will write to me, won't you? Why should I write to you from Brooklyn? I'd just like to know how the tree is doing.
[00:13:15] Unknown:
Just as I thought, you always were a silly little twerp, and you'll never be anything else. Goodbye and good written
[00:13:23] Unknown:
Well, Costello,
[00:13:25] Unknown:
your girlfriend walked out on you. Yes. And I thought I was gonna be such a big success in the coming year. I guess it's no use, Abbott. I might as well close-up this beauty shop. I'm no good.
[00:13:36] Unknown:
I'm a failure. You certainly are. Well, you don't know how to treat people. You you don't know how to be nice to people. That's all. You're right, Abbot, and I'm gonna go away.
[00:13:46] Unknown:
I'm gonna go someplace and join a organization that will teach me to have good friends and do nice things. I'll join the campfire girls. No. No. Castell, even if you're late, I'm in Japan. I'm gonna join the campfire girls. Please. Please. You mean the boy scouts? Campfire girls are all women. You join what you like, and I'll join what I like.
[00:14:09] Unknown:
Well, come on, Costello. Step on the gas. Hey. Wait a minute, Abbot. Where are we going? Well, I'm not gonna let you give up your beauty business. I'm gonna show you how to sell beauty treatments from house to house. Now this looks like a good neighborhood. Stop the car. Okay. I'll stop it here at the corner of Second Street.
[00:14:30] Unknown:
Ninth Street is close enough. What breaks?
[00:14:38] Unknown:
The breaks are on ice skates. Yes. Yes. Arnaud. Here's a nice looking house, Costello. Knock on the door and tell the woman you'd like to give her a beauty treatment. But suppose she slams the door on my face? Old nonsense. The mother woman never slams the door on a salesman's face. Oh, that's different.
[00:14:52] Unknown:
Well, I'd like to sell you a nice boy, is she old fashioned. Well, what are you knocking again for? I just wanna get my nose out of the door. Yes. Whose line is it now? That's yours. We didn't it's alright. I like that. Thank you. We
[00:15:25] Unknown:
We didn't do any good there, did we? No. No. No. Come on. We didn't do any good here either. Come on, Cartella. Let's start with this next house and see our old Scotch friend, mister Brown. Hey. Well, sign lost.
[00:15:38] Unknown:
Hey. There's Kelly Brown in the window now. I'll I'll I'll wish for a Scotty. Go ahead.
[00:15:48] Unknown:
I wish you would not whistle in front of my house. Why not? Well, every time anybody whistles, it wakes up my canary. He reaches down and eats another bird's head. Scotty, Costello. Costello is going from house to house selling beauty treatments. Hey, Scotty. Come on. Let me curl your wife's hair for 50¢. No. Thanks, Lottie. I do that myself. I was just about to curl her hair when you come to the door. You can watch me if you like. Are you ready to have me curl your hair, dearie? Alright. Stop it. Alright. Here we go. Chapter 27. As the poor girl descended the steps that led to the tank and was the old seller, A long hairy arm reached out and grabbed her by the throat.
That did it. That makes her hair curl every time. Good day. Well, how do you like that guy? Skewing his wife to make her hair curl up. Oh, that's nothing. He makes his kids cry to water the flower beds. Hey. Wait a minute. Hey. Look who's coming down the street. It's our old friend, officer Millenhead, the police. Hello, boy. Hi. I can't stop the company now, Millenhead. I'm going from house to house selling beauty treatment. Oh, you won't stop at my house,
[00:16:58] Unknown:
You wouldn't fix my wife's hair. You wanted to take her hair off and send it over to your shop. Go ahead. Tell everybody my wife wears a wig. Your wife wears a wig? Your wife wears a wig? Go on. Start a rumor. Look, Mel ahead. Your wife has lovely black hair. It's as black as cold. Oh, Go on. Say it. Say that you saw her shoveling it into her snooze. I know what you're thinking. Why don't you say it? Because tell her my wife is ugly. She's got lips as rough as shoe leather. Madeline, has that isn't true? Your wife's lips are as nice and sweet and smooth. Oh, you found that out. So you're the guy my mother-in-law saw running out the door the other night. Oh, now he's dragging my mother-in-law into this. I didn't even expect to your mother-in-law. Sure. My mother not worth talking about, Why don't you say it? My mother-in-law is uglier than my wife. Look. Can you say that, Mela? Hell, I think your mother-in-law is beautiful. Get a load of this dope. My mother-in-law has a mustache and a three inch wart on her nose. He calls her beautiful.
[00:17:54] Unknown:
Oh, sorry. I don't wanna argue with you. I'm just trying to be a success in 1946.
[00:17:58] Unknown:
I just want you to have a nice happy new year. Oh, you want me to have a happy new year, but you wouldn't wish me a real happy new year. Okay. I wish you a happy new year. Just one, I should have one happy new year, and the rest of my life, I should be miserable. Okay. Have two happy new years. Three four, have 10 happy new years. Oh, you're just throwing them at me. You wouldn't say them with feelings. Oh, he's right, Costello. Come on. Let's wish him a rousing, good happy New Year. Come on. Okay. How do you like these two guys? Here it is four days before New Year, and they're both plastered already.
[00:18:46] Unknown:
Come on, Fatima. Let's try one more house. No, I'm disgusted, but I feel like giving the whole thing Don't be silly. I'm sure we can sell a treatment of this house. We're here, right next door. Why, this is where Mrs. Niles lives. Go ahead. Ring the doorbell.
[00:19:01] Unknown:
Hello, Mrs. Niles. Hello, Ms. Rabbit. I see you're out walking your big fat bulldog. Pardon me, it's you, Costello.
[00:19:15] Unknown:
Yes. Look, Mrs. Niles,
[00:19:18] Unknown:
Costello is starting a new business, giving beauty treatments. Yes, Mrs. Niles. You look like you need a little work done on your face. Oh, I do, What's wrong with my face? Oh, nothing. I was just wondering how the horse looks without it.
[00:19:32] Unknown:
Quiet, Costello. It wouldn't take much work, missus Niles, to bring out your real beauty. Oh, you really think so? Quite. Well, it was just a few years ago, I had all the young men chasing after
[00:19:44] Unknown:
me. Oh, I wonder how I wonder how I could get them to chase after me again. Why don't you try carrying a ball in the rose bowl gator?
[00:19:52] Unknown:
Please, Priscilla. Now, miss Niles, if you just sit down here in the chair, we'll start off with a nice egg shampoo. Yes. Come here,
[00:20:01] Unknown:
Betty. Joe, what are you doing with that chicken? Oh, we use only fresh egg. Now just sit back while I put Betty on your head. Go ahead, Betty. Do your stuff. Oh, a double yolk.
[00:20:22] Unknown:
Oh,
[00:20:23] Unknown:
you get out of here. But I can't leave the house now, missus Miles. I just noticed that your skin needs lifting. What do you mean? You think my skin is too loose? Oh, no. It's just the opposite. Your skin is a little too tight. Here, I'll lift your skin and show you. My word, my skin is tight. Tight? Every time you bend your knees, your mouth flies open. Come on, Cartella. Get busy. I've got the mud pack already. Yes, mister Niles. This mud pack is my grandmother's special. It's her special formula. It caves the weight of beauty. Help me put it on, Abbott. Here, I'll take one side of her face and you take the other. Okay. We'll make her nose the dividing line. No. Let's divide it in the middle. Okay. Well, there's mud in your eye.
[00:21:13] Unknown:
My heaven. This mud is getting to harden on my face already. Look. I I I tried to move my jaw. Yeah. This stuff has got a lot of good qualities. Oh, I'm getting to draw my face up. Get it off. You hear? Get it off. Wait. Wait. There's a couple of ways to get it off. Well, just tell me one way. You'll have to take your pick.
[00:21:32] Unknown:
Oh.
[00:21:35] Unknown:
Oh, you idiot. This stuff is as hard as a rock, and you said it was paved the way to beauty. Yes. It was my grand my grandmother's special formula. Well, Castelli, you shouldn't have used it. It's all your fault. No. It isn't my fault. Then it's your grandmother's fault. No. It isn't my fault, and it isn't my grandmother's fault. Then whose fault is it? It's our fault.
