In this lively episode, we dive into a comedic skit featuring the classic duo Abbott and Costello. The episode kicks off with a humorous exchange about casino games and quickly transitions into a chaotic and entertaining narrative about Costello's unexpected candidacy for mayor of South Patterson, New Jersey. As Costello grapples with the idea of running for office, hilarity ensues with misunderstandings about train travel, political qualifications, and a series of comedic interactions with various characters, including a Hollywood starlet and a French girl named Fifi LaBlanc.
Throughout the episode, Abbott tries to guide Costello through the complexities of political life and train travel, leading to a series of laugh-out-loud moments. From Costello's confusion over train ticket pricing to his encounters with quirky friends and acquaintances, the episode is a whirlwind of comedic sketches and witty banter. As the duo prepares to leave for Patterson, the chaos continues with a mix-up involving a taxi ride and a humorous farewell to friends and pets. This episode is a delightful blend of classic comedy and slapstick humor, sure to entertain listeners with its timeless charm.
(00:31) The Casino Game Show
(01:18) Costello's Late Arrival
(02:54) Running for Mayor
(05:38) The Train Ticket Dilemma
(10:34) Farewells and Funny Encounters
(14:54) The Taxi Ride Misadventure
(19:07) The Train Station Chaos
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[00:00:00]
Unknown:
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Okay. Round two. Name something that's not boring.
[00:00:36] Unknown:
Laundry? Oh, a book club. Computer solitaire.
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[00:01:18] Unknown:
Well, Costello. Hey, Costello.
[00:01:21] Unknown:
What's the idea? What's the idea of walking in here late? Come on. You know you're late. Explain yourself. Where have you been? Well, I was listening to my cousin Hugo giving a very poor speech on the cold shortage. This act, gentlemen, due to the cold shortage, we must pay for electricity. I beg you not to use electricity. Please don't even turn on electricity. Did they, listen to them? No. The warden threw the switch anyway.
[00:01:49] Unknown:
Well, never mind your cousin Hugo.
[00:01:52] Unknown:
Do you realize there's been a woman waiting for you here for the last hour? Oh, there you are at last, mister Costello. I could hardly wait till you got here. I've been simply dying to see you, and last, here you are. And last, here we are. You and I face to face. What's the meaning that vacuum of sucking delicious out of my shoes? Mister Lucero, I have a mysterious battle suit, and I've been sent out here from your hometown. You're from Paterson, New Jersey? Don't tell me your little Sylvia sucks. Yes. Don't you remember we used to play together in that little park? Oh, yes. I bet it's a big park now. And we went to school together in that little red school. I bet it's a big school now. Yes. And remember the day when I was five years old and you turned me across your knee and face it? Yep. I'm watching
[00:02:52] Unknown:
again. Missus Patterson, what brings you to California?
[00:02:54] Unknown:
Oh, that's the thrilling news I have. Alright. I'm the president of the Woman Voters League, and we've got mister Costello to run for mayor of South Patterson, New Jersey. It's South Patterson, New Jersey. Abbott. Did you hear that? Yeah. You want me to be mayor of South Patterson? I'll be another LaGuardia.
[00:03:10] Unknown:
No. LaGuardia. LaGuardia was a great man. They call him the little flower. Well, it's the same thing with me. Oh, people would call you the little flower? Not a big stink wig.
[00:03:22] Unknown:
Mister O'Bella, you simply must run for mayor. We want someone who is strong and manly. In that case, I run. We was a man who was handsome and intellectual. In that case, I run. And we was a man who will donate $10,000 to the women of our league. In that case, you slowed me down for a walk. Miss Saddlesdale, can't you get somebody that's better qualified than Costello to run for mayor? Well, my husband was thinking of running, but he's such a busy man. You see, he has a seat on the stock exchange, and he also has a seat on the city council. Your husband has two seats? Yes.
Does Ripley know about this? Mister Costello. Mister Costello, now you simply must run. I'm going right out now and call sir Patterson and tell them that you are leaving on the midnight train. Oh, mister Costello, this is all too fitting. At times, you got my stop. Well, Eddy, we gotta get taxed right away. We're leaving on the midnight train for Patterson. Wait a minute, Catella. You can't run for public office. You don't know anything about politicians. Sure. I come from a family of politicians. My name is Rory Stebbins with a politician in Texas. What did he run for? What did he run for? The fort. The oh, no.
[00:04:39] Unknown:
To be a mayor to be a mayor, you have to be educated. How high did you get in school? How high did I get? Yeah. I never touched the stuff. You know? No. No. No. No. No.
[00:04:48] Unknown:
No. Did you did you go to did you go to high school? Oh, yeah. I went for a whole week. Did you learn anything that would help you? Oh, sure. But you can't make a career out of Nickin'. Oh, no.
[00:05:00] Unknown:
I bet you don't even know the alphabet.
[00:05:02] Unknown:
Yes. I don't. Let's hear it. The alphabet is a b q w s z.
[00:05:07] Unknown:
Where did you learn where did you ever learn the alphabet that way? When I went to get my eyes tested.
[00:05:13] Unknown:
I can't even see that. We're leaving for Passport, Georgia tonight in a minute, Frank. Are you ready to go, kid? Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Let me play. You'll choke for me. Now listen. You can't you're just kidding. With Patterson. Don't quietly.
[00:05:27] Unknown:
Never mind where you're found for. You can't just leave on a train like that. Have you got a reservation? A reservation? What do I look like? An Indian? No. No. No. No. If you're going all the way to Paterson, you have to have a Pullman, you know, or some place to sleep. Oh, that's easy. I eat garlic. That's all. Right? What has eating garlic got to do with getting a place to sleep? I just breathe in the conductor's face, and it gives me a wide burn. No. No. No. I'll tell you what you do, Costello. Let me handle this. Go ahead. Now in order to save money, we better get a couple of upper parts. Yeah. But I don't want a upper. I want a lower. But, Costello, do you realize that if you buy a lower, you'll find it's much higher than an upper? Oh, sure. Everybody knows that when you what did you say? I said that a lower is higher than an upper. A lower is higher than upper? Oh, certainly. What are they doing? Running the trains upside down? Of course not. The lower is a more desirable birth. Therefore, if you want to, go lower, you have to go higher. If I wanna go lower, I have to go higher?
Why should I go higher when I wanna go lower? Why do you tell them I'm trying to tell you they sell the upper lower than the lower? Because when you sleep at an upper, you have to get up to go to bed. Well, that's
[00:06:38] Unknown:
fine. Who's paying for my birth? Well, you are. And there ain't nobody in it for me? No. Then why do I have to get up? No.
[00:06:45] Unknown:
I've already explained it to you that way. Look. Unless you go higher for a load, then you're stuck with an upper and you'll have to get up when you go to bed. And you'll have to get down when you wanna get up.
[00:06:56] Unknown:
Abbot, let me smell your breath.
[00:06:59] Unknown:
Can't you understand anything, you dummy. If you wanna go lower, you have to go higher because the lower is higher than the upper. And the reason lower is higher than the upper is because the upper is higher up than the lower.
[00:07:10] Unknown:
You mean that the upper is lower than the lower because the lower is higher than the upper. Now you've got it. Now I've got it. I don't even know what I'm talking about. What's the idea of wearing that high hat and that cutaway coat? Well, if I'm going back to Paris, New Jersey to run for mayor, I try to dress the pot. Well, where are the striped pants? All my brothers wearing them. He's delivery boy for the meat market. Well, why don't you get the pants back from him? What? And Kevin gets ton burned on his afternoon delivery?
[00:07:38] Unknown:
Now come on and get busy now. We've gotta finish packing now. I'm taking all my sporting equipment along. My old golf clubs, my old, baseball club, and, hey. By the way, have you seen my old bat? Yes. Or a last night, put it in place. Wait a minute. The bat I'm talking about was shellac. That's the one.
[00:07:59] Unknown:
Come in.
[00:08:01] Unknown:
I'm the baggage man. Of course. Take all these luggage down to the railroad station, please. Okay. Oh, boy. This thing is heavy. And what do you got in this old bear barrel?
[00:08:11] Unknown:
Put me down, you duke.
[00:08:15] Unknown:
Here, Bag and Dad. Take this trunk downstairs first, please. What? I'm not gonna carry that big heavy thing down our stairs. You don't have to. Just step into the elevator here. I'll open the door for you.
[00:08:26] Unknown:
Step in. Thanks. You know, I always pick up where I need that elevator. Hello. Lucosteo speaking. Mister Costeo, this is a Hollywood Movie Star, and I hear that I'm going back east on the same train with you. You want? Yes. And just remember, if you want anything, just whistle. Who is this? Lauren Bacall? No. Last
[00:09:02] Unknown:
Well, come on, Gisela. Come on. We better get down.
[00:09:06] Unknown:
Will you listen to me, please? Never mind her. We get down to the station and get our tickets. Come on. Now we got plenty of time. I wanna say goodbye to all my friends, and I must as they get my little pets. I'm a say goodbye to my pallet. Goodbye, Carly. Goodbye. And my little goldfish, Minnie. Goodbye, Minnie. Ain't that cute? And now I must say goodbye to Jack and Henry. Jack and Henry? Yeah. They're my two little rabbits. Goodbye, Jack and Henry. Bye, Jack and Henry. Oh, That Henry must have been Henrietta.
[00:09:39] Unknown:
Come on, Crystal. Let's be on our way.
[00:09:42] Unknown:
Hey. Let's talk to your rabbits. This is where my girlfriend touches your toilet. Oh, Men come in. Tessie. Tessie, what have you done to your legs? Sir, all the girls are wearing leg makeup, and I want to be different. Yes. But, Tessie, striped wallpaper. Well, my little fat lover boy, what brings you to my door with a suitcase? Well, I came to say goodbye, Tessie. I'm leaving for the Easter night. I'm going back to run for mayor of South Patterson. Oh, is that wonderful, Louis? You and I should get married. I've always wanted to be a mayor of wife. But, Tessa, you're a little too old for me. Too old? I'm just on the shady side of 30. You've been in the shade too long. You've got moss on your north side.
[00:10:35] Unknown:
Hey. Look, miss Carla. There's the actress, especially my mucho, driving up to the curb. See her? Hello,
[00:10:40] Unknown:
Percy. Hello, mister Albert and mister Costello. Where are you going with the traveling barge? Traveling barge? Oh, sure, Abbot. You know what a traveling barge is. That's a small baluste that you use to carry a hot water firtle in socks. Shaving socks? Shaving socks. You smear it on your poos so the razor blades will shave off your wasters.
[00:11:08] Unknown:
This poocho, Godzilla is going back to his hometown in New Jersey to run for mayor. Can you imagine that? Oh, my. You're going back far away, but I must give you an appropriate farewell.
[00:11:18] Unknown:
Goodbye, my cute little spa. Come on. How do you like that? She kooshed me on the loose. But I must be going now and an off we are saying in a bon voyage to you. And a stuffed queenie and some boiled cabbage to your toe.
[00:11:39] Unknown:
Dale, Cassel. You've got one more friend to say goodbye to. Let's stop and see, Scotty. Hello, ladies. Say, Scotty, what's the idea of having all your window shades down in the daytime? The house is pitch dark. Well, my wife's father and mother came to visit me three nights ago. I've kept the house so dark, they still think it's the same night they got here. Is that good? It's wonderful. They've missed 11 meals already.
[00:12:05] Unknown:
Hey, Scotty. I came over to say goodbye. I'm going back to my hometown in Paterson, New Jersey to run for mayor. Oh, would you be going through, Pomona? Uh-huh.
[00:12:13] Unknown:
Would you mind dropping off this suitcase when you get there? What's in the suitcase, Gary? My son, Angus. He's going to a boy scout camp. Well, how will a poor boy get home? Well, I took the needle out of his compass. Every year, he gets lost in the mountains, and the searching party always brings him home. Come on, Costello. We've got we've gotta get down to the railroad station. Hey. Here's the cab now. Pardon me. Kevin? Are you engaged? Nobody. But I'm going steady. Never mind. We wanna catch this train for Patterson, New Jersey. Okay. Jump in, and I'll take you to the unit the unit The unistinct.
Union stations have a pay depot. Come on. Get us down to the station, please. Don't worry. I'll catch you down there before you can say check Robin. Check Robin. Jack Robin. Robinson? Glad to know you, Robinson. My name is Smith.
[00:13:09] Unknown:
I'll get this game started. Okay, buddy.
[00:13:26] Unknown:
Hey, driver. The Santa Fe Depot is only a few minutes from Hollywood. We've been driving for two hours. Yeah. Demetrius, it's $37. Listen, fat boy. Hold your tongue.
[00:13:35] Unknown:
Okay. I can't die. Stop Slap Ray.
[00:13:40] Unknown:
Oh, well, why? Don't tell me how to drive this cab. I got a map right here on the floor by my feet, and that black line right there leads right to the Santa Fe Depot. Well, hurry up and get us there.
[00:14:06] Unknown:
Hey, driver. Where in the world are you taking us? Yeah. Look. Already over here at the thing of $68. Where's the Santa Fe Depot? Right here.
[00:14:18] Unknown:
Everybody else, Santa Fe Depot. Thank heavens. Come on. Hey. Wait a minute. This isn't a Santa Fe Depot. That sign over there says Pismo Beach. Pismo Beach. Pismo Beach. Yeah. Hey. I've got the map on the floor here by my feet. I've been following that black line. What black line? How do you like that? My shoe came untied. And for the last two hours, I've been following my shoelace. Come on, Tristell. That taxi cab driver made a suicide break, and we've gotta catch the next one. Hey, Abbott. Let's test this guy for the information test. Pardon me, young man. Did you tell me how the trains run? Yes. There's a big black thing that pulls them and goes choo choo and woo hoo.
[00:15:10] Unknown:
Oh, this guy's been drinking too much of that traveler's hay.
[00:15:14] Unknown:
No. No, young man. What time does the next train leave? Well, we don't know. We have a washout on the line. Why don't you take the washout off the line and let's go? Oh, no. Never mind him. Let's go over to the ticket window. Come on. I've gotta have a lower. You must get me a lower. You've gotta get me a lower. Who are you? Well, just an old pajama top. Oh, come on. Here's the money, Costello. You get the tickets while I take care of the bank. I'll be, I'll be right back. Okay? Well, I guess this is the line. Hey, yo, flat blimp. What are you trying to squeeze in here for? Just a second. Back at the end of the line. Just a second. Oh, you stepped on my foot, you dummy. Why don't you put your foot where I belong?
[00:15:58] Unknown:
Don't tempt me, brother. Listen. I got you my tickets. The super chief will be leaving in a few minutes. Super chief. Super chief. We'll be leaving on Track 4. Nothing happened. How do you like that? I have to brace your guard, the Andrews sisters.
[00:16:21] Unknown:
Hey, Stella. Now, Stella, you hear that? The the super chief is ready for passengers. Where are the tickets?
[00:16:27] Unknown:
I haven't got them. I have to stand in the swine. Just tell me that isn't the line for the ticket window. It isn't? I wondered why all those people were asking me if I had any nickels.
[00:16:39] Unknown:
Hey. That phone booth is all so busy. No wonder the phone booth is busy. Look who's in there. It's that French girl, Fifi LaBlanc.
[00:16:50] Unknown:
Alright. Alright. Alright. You guys stand back. This is mine. Oh, yeah. Father.
[00:17:00] Unknown:
Stevie, what are you doing here?
[00:17:02] Unknown:
I'm going to Kansas City to visit my aunt. Missus Costello, would you hold this package while I get the money for my ticket? I have the money right here in my stocking. My my. The Bank of America never had branches like that. Phoebe, Costello's going back east to run for mayor of South Paterson, New Jersey. Yes, Stacy. I wish you could go back with me and help me with my campaign. You could ride around a big truck dressed in a bathing suit, and that would make a big tick with the men voters. Oh, how could I possibly appeal to the men in a bathing suit? Don't mind her folks. She still plays hopscotch. Monsieur, you did not mention how you like my outfit. Oh, that's a lovely dress, VP. Uh-huh. I made it myself. I like to put some of my personality into each dress.
Sister, you've got it all in that one. What kind of address is that, Phoebe? V neck. V neck? Yes. V Neck. So the V. I'm here to take your four out five. Well, mister Costello, I must be going anyway, so I will kiss you. Goodbye. Alright. Hey. Can I hear you?
[00:18:17] Unknown:
Castello, will you hurry up? The train is ready. I can see the engine smoking. If you look again, you'll see it ain't the engine smoking. Come on, Castello.
[00:18:29] Unknown:
Come on, Godzilla. Come on. Godzilla, keep away from that
[00:18:38] Unknown:
TV live life. Will you please? We're next to the ticket office now. Come on. Get up there. Hey, Abbott. Look who's behind the ticket window. It's Melonhead. Why Melonhead.
[00:18:46] Unknown:
I didn't know you were selling railroad tickets. I'll say I am and what a madhouse. Oh, crowds. Crowd. Crowd. I'm about to blow my top. Looks like you've blown it already.
[00:18:57] Unknown:
I listen here, Costello. I may not have any hair on my head, but I'll have you know I have plenty of hair on my chest. Oh, the OPA lawyer lowered your ceiling too. Costello, we're in a hurry. Please.
[00:19:10] Unknown:
Hey, Marietta. We want two tickets for New York. Oh, go to New York, Castello, are you going by Buffalo? No. I was going by train, you know. I know you're going by train. Tell me, do you want an upper or a lower? That's a difficult one. Well, if you wanna go lower, you'll have to go higher because the lowers are higher than them. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait a minute. What page do you want? We could let this pull over.
[00:19:35] Unknown:
Look, Benedict.
[00:19:36] Unknown:
Can you get the two of us into a compartment? Well, I'm sorry, Abbot, but I only had one compartment for two people and I had to put 12 sailors in it. How could you put 12 sailors into a compartment for two people? I can't. Belenet, will you hurry up with those tickets? Castello's going to Pat Saddison. Castello, what is the purpose of this passage to Patterson? Will, will you repeat that? I said, what is the purpose of this passage to Patterson? Are your current expecting you? Thanks. You must let me give you a shower bath supply. Do you wanna go to Patterson by the northern or southern route? Well, I don't care as long as I go through Bachel Annie, Wyoming.
[00:20:12] Unknown:
Bachel Annie, Wyoming? Yeah. There it is right on the map there. That's the thing Where where do you see Bachel Annie? Just Bachelin.
[00:20:19] Unknown:
Oh, excuse me. That's Cheyenne. Cheyenne.
[00:20:27] Unknown:
Alright. Alright. Here's your ticket, boy. Come on. Let's go, Costello. Just a minute, boy. Before you get on the train, how about a five pound box of Hershey bars, ladies skirts, good nylon stockings, brand new pre war tires, and fresh country butter? Oh, boy. I'll buy some for selling. I'm buying. Drain bleeding for the North. Drain bleeding for the South. Drain bleeding for the East. How about the West? Terribly rough place, isn't it? Come on, Godzilla, please. Red cab. Red cab. Hey, bad boy. Let me help you with that big bag. What big bag? My bags are on the train. Oh, pardon me. That's your stomach. Come on, Castilla. Get on the train. Hey. Look. What is that guy doing over there by the engine? Goodbye, old pal. You're the best pal I ever had. I love you. I love you.
Hey, you. What's the idea of patting and kissing that engine? This engine is taking my wife back to Chicago. Yee hoo.
[00:21:25] Unknown:
Lord.
[00:21:28] Unknown:
Conductor, we are Fine. Fine. We have a special car for you right here. Step right in. Are there any pretty girls aboard? I'll say. What cab?
[00:21:44] Unknown:
What? What?
[00:21:50] Unknown:
Well, Costello, we're underway at last. Rough to Patterson. Gee. Abbott, it's crowded and stuffy and just pulling. Yes. It's so dark in here. You you can't see anything.
[00:22:01] Unknown:
Yeah. Where are the girls? I wanna look at those pretty cats. Where are you, girls?
With Lucky Land Slots, you can get lucky just about anywhere.
[00:00:05] Unknown:
This is your captain speaking. We've got clear runway and the weather is fine, but we're just gonna circle up here a while and, get lucky. No. No. Nothing like that. It's just these cash prizes add up quick. So I suggest you sit back, keep your tray table upright, and start getting lucky.
[00:00:20] Unknown:
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[00:00:31] Unknown:
Okay. Round two. Name something that's not boring.
[00:00:36] Unknown:
Laundry? Oh, a book club. Computer solitaire.
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[00:01:18] Unknown:
Well, Costello. Hey, Costello.
[00:01:21] Unknown:
What's the idea? What's the idea of walking in here late? Come on. You know you're late. Explain yourself. Where have you been? Well, I was listening to my cousin Hugo giving a very poor speech on the cold shortage. This act, gentlemen, due to the cold shortage, we must pay for electricity. I beg you not to use electricity. Please don't even turn on electricity. Did they, listen to them? No. The warden threw the switch anyway.
[00:01:49] Unknown:
Well, never mind your cousin Hugo.
[00:01:52] Unknown:
Do you realize there's been a woman waiting for you here for the last hour? Oh, there you are at last, mister Costello. I could hardly wait till you got here. I've been simply dying to see you, and last, here you are. And last, here we are. You and I face to face. What's the meaning that vacuum of sucking delicious out of my shoes? Mister Lucero, I have a mysterious battle suit, and I've been sent out here from your hometown. You're from Paterson, New Jersey? Don't tell me your little Sylvia sucks. Yes. Don't you remember we used to play together in that little park? Oh, yes. I bet it's a big park now. And we went to school together in that little red school. I bet it's a big school now. Yes. And remember the day when I was five years old and you turned me across your knee and face it? Yep. I'm watching
[00:02:52] Unknown:
again. Missus Patterson, what brings you to California?
[00:02:54] Unknown:
Oh, that's the thrilling news I have. Alright. I'm the president of the Woman Voters League, and we've got mister Costello to run for mayor of South Patterson, New Jersey. It's South Patterson, New Jersey. Abbott. Did you hear that? Yeah. You want me to be mayor of South Patterson? I'll be another LaGuardia.
[00:03:10] Unknown:
No. LaGuardia. LaGuardia was a great man. They call him the little flower. Well, it's the same thing with me. Oh, people would call you the little flower? Not a big stink wig.
[00:03:22] Unknown:
Mister O'Bella, you simply must run for mayor. We want someone who is strong and manly. In that case, I run. We was a man who was handsome and intellectual. In that case, I run. And we was a man who will donate $10,000 to the women of our league. In that case, you slowed me down for a walk. Miss Saddlesdale, can't you get somebody that's better qualified than Costello to run for mayor? Well, my husband was thinking of running, but he's such a busy man. You see, he has a seat on the stock exchange, and he also has a seat on the city council. Your husband has two seats? Yes.
Does Ripley know about this? Mister Costello. Mister Costello, now you simply must run. I'm going right out now and call sir Patterson and tell them that you are leaving on the midnight train. Oh, mister Costello, this is all too fitting. At times, you got my stop. Well, Eddy, we gotta get taxed right away. We're leaving on the midnight train for Patterson. Wait a minute, Catella. You can't run for public office. You don't know anything about politicians. Sure. I come from a family of politicians. My name is Rory Stebbins with a politician in Texas. What did he run for? What did he run for? The fort. The oh, no.
[00:04:39] Unknown:
To be a mayor to be a mayor, you have to be educated. How high did you get in school? How high did I get? Yeah. I never touched the stuff. You know? No. No. No. No. No.
[00:04:48] Unknown:
No. Did you did you go to did you go to high school? Oh, yeah. I went for a whole week. Did you learn anything that would help you? Oh, sure. But you can't make a career out of Nickin'. Oh, no.
[00:05:00] Unknown:
I bet you don't even know the alphabet.
[00:05:02] Unknown:
Yes. I don't. Let's hear it. The alphabet is a b q w s z.
[00:05:07] Unknown:
Where did you learn where did you ever learn the alphabet that way? When I went to get my eyes tested.
[00:05:13] Unknown:
I can't even see that. We're leaving for Passport, Georgia tonight in a minute, Frank. Are you ready to go, kid? Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Let me play. You'll choke for me. Now listen. You can't you're just kidding. With Patterson. Don't quietly.
[00:05:27] Unknown:
Never mind where you're found for. You can't just leave on a train like that. Have you got a reservation? A reservation? What do I look like? An Indian? No. No. No. No. If you're going all the way to Paterson, you have to have a Pullman, you know, or some place to sleep. Oh, that's easy. I eat garlic. That's all. Right? What has eating garlic got to do with getting a place to sleep? I just breathe in the conductor's face, and it gives me a wide burn. No. No. No. I'll tell you what you do, Costello. Let me handle this. Go ahead. Now in order to save money, we better get a couple of upper parts. Yeah. But I don't want a upper. I want a lower. But, Costello, do you realize that if you buy a lower, you'll find it's much higher than an upper? Oh, sure. Everybody knows that when you what did you say? I said that a lower is higher than an upper. A lower is higher than upper? Oh, certainly. What are they doing? Running the trains upside down? Of course not. The lower is a more desirable birth. Therefore, if you want to, go lower, you have to go higher. If I wanna go lower, I have to go higher?
Why should I go higher when I wanna go lower? Why do you tell them I'm trying to tell you they sell the upper lower than the lower? Because when you sleep at an upper, you have to get up to go to bed. Well, that's
[00:06:38] Unknown:
fine. Who's paying for my birth? Well, you are. And there ain't nobody in it for me? No. Then why do I have to get up? No.
[00:06:45] Unknown:
I've already explained it to you that way. Look. Unless you go higher for a load, then you're stuck with an upper and you'll have to get up when you go to bed. And you'll have to get down when you wanna get up.
[00:06:56] Unknown:
Abbot, let me smell your breath.
[00:06:59] Unknown:
Can't you understand anything, you dummy. If you wanna go lower, you have to go higher because the lower is higher than the upper. And the reason lower is higher than the upper is because the upper is higher up than the lower.
[00:07:10] Unknown:
You mean that the upper is lower than the lower because the lower is higher than the upper. Now you've got it. Now I've got it. I don't even know what I'm talking about. What's the idea of wearing that high hat and that cutaway coat? Well, if I'm going back to Paris, New Jersey to run for mayor, I try to dress the pot. Well, where are the striped pants? All my brothers wearing them. He's delivery boy for the meat market. Well, why don't you get the pants back from him? What? And Kevin gets ton burned on his afternoon delivery?
[00:07:38] Unknown:
Now come on and get busy now. We've gotta finish packing now. I'm taking all my sporting equipment along. My old golf clubs, my old, baseball club, and, hey. By the way, have you seen my old bat? Yes. Or a last night, put it in place. Wait a minute. The bat I'm talking about was shellac. That's the one.
[00:07:59] Unknown:
Come in.
[00:08:01] Unknown:
I'm the baggage man. Of course. Take all these luggage down to the railroad station, please. Okay. Oh, boy. This thing is heavy. And what do you got in this old bear barrel?
[00:08:11] Unknown:
Put me down, you duke.
[00:08:15] Unknown:
Here, Bag and Dad. Take this trunk downstairs first, please. What? I'm not gonna carry that big heavy thing down our stairs. You don't have to. Just step into the elevator here. I'll open the door for you.
[00:08:26] Unknown:
Step in. Thanks. You know, I always pick up where I need that elevator. Hello. Lucosteo speaking. Mister Costeo, this is a Hollywood Movie Star, and I hear that I'm going back east on the same train with you. You want? Yes. And just remember, if you want anything, just whistle. Who is this? Lauren Bacall? No. Last
[00:09:02] Unknown:
Well, come on, Gisela. Come on. We better get down.
[00:09:06] Unknown:
Will you listen to me, please? Never mind her. We get down to the station and get our tickets. Come on. Now we got plenty of time. I wanna say goodbye to all my friends, and I must as they get my little pets. I'm a say goodbye to my pallet. Goodbye, Carly. Goodbye. And my little goldfish, Minnie. Goodbye, Minnie. Ain't that cute? And now I must say goodbye to Jack and Henry. Jack and Henry? Yeah. They're my two little rabbits. Goodbye, Jack and Henry. Bye, Jack and Henry. Oh, That Henry must have been Henrietta.
[00:09:39] Unknown:
Come on, Crystal. Let's be on our way.
[00:09:42] Unknown:
Hey. Let's talk to your rabbits. This is where my girlfriend touches your toilet. Oh, Men come in. Tessie. Tessie, what have you done to your legs? Sir, all the girls are wearing leg makeup, and I want to be different. Yes. But, Tessie, striped wallpaper. Well, my little fat lover boy, what brings you to my door with a suitcase? Well, I came to say goodbye, Tessie. I'm leaving for the Easter night. I'm going back to run for mayor of South Patterson. Oh, is that wonderful, Louis? You and I should get married. I've always wanted to be a mayor of wife. But, Tessa, you're a little too old for me. Too old? I'm just on the shady side of 30. You've been in the shade too long. You've got moss on your north side.
[00:10:35] Unknown:
Hey. Look, miss Carla. There's the actress, especially my mucho, driving up to the curb. See her? Hello,
[00:10:40] Unknown:
Percy. Hello, mister Albert and mister Costello. Where are you going with the traveling barge? Traveling barge? Oh, sure, Abbot. You know what a traveling barge is. That's a small baluste that you use to carry a hot water firtle in socks. Shaving socks? Shaving socks. You smear it on your poos so the razor blades will shave off your wasters.
[00:11:08] Unknown:
This poocho, Godzilla is going back to his hometown in New Jersey to run for mayor. Can you imagine that? Oh, my. You're going back far away, but I must give you an appropriate farewell.
[00:11:18] Unknown:
Goodbye, my cute little spa. Come on. How do you like that? She kooshed me on the loose. But I must be going now and an off we are saying in a bon voyage to you. And a stuffed queenie and some boiled cabbage to your toe.
[00:11:39] Unknown:
Dale, Cassel. You've got one more friend to say goodbye to. Let's stop and see, Scotty. Hello, ladies. Say, Scotty, what's the idea of having all your window shades down in the daytime? The house is pitch dark. Well, my wife's father and mother came to visit me three nights ago. I've kept the house so dark, they still think it's the same night they got here. Is that good? It's wonderful. They've missed 11 meals already.
[00:12:05] Unknown:
Hey, Scotty. I came over to say goodbye. I'm going back to my hometown in Paterson, New Jersey to run for mayor. Oh, would you be going through, Pomona? Uh-huh.
[00:12:13] Unknown:
Would you mind dropping off this suitcase when you get there? What's in the suitcase, Gary? My son, Angus. He's going to a boy scout camp. Well, how will a poor boy get home? Well, I took the needle out of his compass. Every year, he gets lost in the mountains, and the searching party always brings him home. Come on, Costello. We've got we've gotta get down to the railroad station. Hey. Here's the cab now. Pardon me. Kevin? Are you engaged? Nobody. But I'm going steady. Never mind. We wanna catch this train for Patterson, New Jersey. Okay. Jump in, and I'll take you to the unit the unit The unistinct.
Union stations have a pay depot. Come on. Get us down to the station, please. Don't worry. I'll catch you down there before you can say check Robin. Check Robin. Jack Robin. Robinson? Glad to know you, Robinson. My name is Smith.
[00:13:09] Unknown:
I'll get this game started. Okay, buddy.
[00:13:26] Unknown:
Hey, driver. The Santa Fe Depot is only a few minutes from Hollywood. We've been driving for two hours. Yeah. Demetrius, it's $37. Listen, fat boy. Hold your tongue.
[00:13:35] Unknown:
Okay. I can't die. Stop Slap Ray.
[00:13:40] Unknown:
Oh, well, why? Don't tell me how to drive this cab. I got a map right here on the floor by my feet, and that black line right there leads right to the Santa Fe Depot. Well, hurry up and get us there.
[00:14:06] Unknown:
Hey, driver. Where in the world are you taking us? Yeah. Look. Already over here at the thing of $68. Where's the Santa Fe Depot? Right here.
[00:14:18] Unknown:
Everybody else, Santa Fe Depot. Thank heavens. Come on. Hey. Wait a minute. This isn't a Santa Fe Depot. That sign over there says Pismo Beach. Pismo Beach. Pismo Beach. Yeah. Hey. I've got the map on the floor here by my feet. I've been following that black line. What black line? How do you like that? My shoe came untied. And for the last two hours, I've been following my shoelace. Come on, Tristell. That taxi cab driver made a suicide break, and we've gotta catch the next one. Hey, Abbott. Let's test this guy for the information test. Pardon me, young man. Did you tell me how the trains run? Yes. There's a big black thing that pulls them and goes choo choo and woo hoo.
[00:15:10] Unknown:
Oh, this guy's been drinking too much of that traveler's hay.
[00:15:14] Unknown:
No. No, young man. What time does the next train leave? Well, we don't know. We have a washout on the line. Why don't you take the washout off the line and let's go? Oh, no. Never mind him. Let's go over to the ticket window. Come on. I've gotta have a lower. You must get me a lower. You've gotta get me a lower. Who are you? Well, just an old pajama top. Oh, come on. Here's the money, Costello. You get the tickets while I take care of the bank. I'll be, I'll be right back. Okay? Well, I guess this is the line. Hey, yo, flat blimp. What are you trying to squeeze in here for? Just a second. Back at the end of the line. Just a second. Oh, you stepped on my foot, you dummy. Why don't you put your foot where I belong?
[00:15:58] Unknown:
Don't tempt me, brother. Listen. I got you my tickets. The super chief will be leaving in a few minutes. Super chief. Super chief. We'll be leaving on Track 4. Nothing happened. How do you like that? I have to brace your guard, the Andrews sisters.
[00:16:21] Unknown:
Hey, Stella. Now, Stella, you hear that? The the super chief is ready for passengers. Where are the tickets?
[00:16:27] Unknown:
I haven't got them. I have to stand in the swine. Just tell me that isn't the line for the ticket window. It isn't? I wondered why all those people were asking me if I had any nickels.
[00:16:39] Unknown:
Hey. That phone booth is all so busy. No wonder the phone booth is busy. Look who's in there. It's that French girl, Fifi LaBlanc.
[00:16:50] Unknown:
Alright. Alright. Alright. You guys stand back. This is mine. Oh, yeah. Father.
[00:17:00] Unknown:
Stevie, what are you doing here?
[00:17:02] Unknown:
I'm going to Kansas City to visit my aunt. Missus Costello, would you hold this package while I get the money for my ticket? I have the money right here in my stocking. My my. The Bank of America never had branches like that. Phoebe, Costello's going back east to run for mayor of South Paterson, New Jersey. Yes, Stacy. I wish you could go back with me and help me with my campaign. You could ride around a big truck dressed in a bathing suit, and that would make a big tick with the men voters. Oh, how could I possibly appeal to the men in a bathing suit? Don't mind her folks. She still plays hopscotch. Monsieur, you did not mention how you like my outfit. Oh, that's a lovely dress, VP. Uh-huh. I made it myself. I like to put some of my personality into each dress.
Sister, you've got it all in that one. What kind of address is that, Phoebe? V neck. V neck? Yes. V Neck. So the V. I'm here to take your four out five. Well, mister Costello, I must be going anyway, so I will kiss you. Goodbye. Alright. Hey. Can I hear you?
[00:18:17] Unknown:
Castello, will you hurry up? The train is ready. I can see the engine smoking. If you look again, you'll see it ain't the engine smoking. Come on, Castello.
[00:18:29] Unknown:
Come on, Godzilla. Come on. Godzilla, keep away from that
[00:18:38] Unknown:
TV live life. Will you please? We're next to the ticket office now. Come on. Get up there. Hey, Abbott. Look who's behind the ticket window. It's Melonhead. Why Melonhead.
[00:18:46] Unknown:
I didn't know you were selling railroad tickets. I'll say I am and what a madhouse. Oh, crowds. Crowd. Crowd. I'm about to blow my top. Looks like you've blown it already.
[00:18:57] Unknown:
I listen here, Costello. I may not have any hair on my head, but I'll have you know I have plenty of hair on my chest. Oh, the OPA lawyer lowered your ceiling too. Costello, we're in a hurry. Please.
[00:19:10] Unknown:
Hey, Marietta. We want two tickets for New York. Oh, go to New York, Castello, are you going by Buffalo? No. I was going by train, you know. I know you're going by train. Tell me, do you want an upper or a lower? That's a difficult one. Well, if you wanna go lower, you'll have to go higher because the lowers are higher than them. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait a minute. What page do you want? We could let this pull over.
[00:19:35] Unknown:
Look, Benedict.
[00:19:36] Unknown:
Can you get the two of us into a compartment? Well, I'm sorry, Abbot, but I only had one compartment for two people and I had to put 12 sailors in it. How could you put 12 sailors into a compartment for two people? I can't. Belenet, will you hurry up with those tickets? Castello's going to Pat Saddison. Castello, what is the purpose of this passage to Patterson? Will, will you repeat that? I said, what is the purpose of this passage to Patterson? Are your current expecting you? Thanks. You must let me give you a shower bath supply. Do you wanna go to Patterson by the northern or southern route? Well, I don't care as long as I go through Bachel Annie, Wyoming.
[00:20:12] Unknown:
Bachel Annie, Wyoming? Yeah. There it is right on the map there. That's the thing Where where do you see Bachel Annie? Just Bachelin.
[00:20:19] Unknown:
Oh, excuse me. That's Cheyenne. Cheyenne.
[00:20:27] Unknown:
Alright. Alright. Here's your ticket, boy. Come on. Let's go, Costello. Just a minute, boy. Before you get on the train, how about a five pound box of Hershey bars, ladies skirts, good nylon stockings, brand new pre war tires, and fresh country butter? Oh, boy. I'll buy some for selling. I'm buying. Drain bleeding for the North. Drain bleeding for the South. Drain bleeding for the East. How about the West? Terribly rough place, isn't it? Come on, Godzilla, please. Red cab. Red cab. Hey, bad boy. Let me help you with that big bag. What big bag? My bags are on the train. Oh, pardon me. That's your stomach. Come on, Castilla. Get on the train. Hey. Look. What is that guy doing over there by the engine? Goodbye, old pal. You're the best pal I ever had. I love you. I love you.
Hey, you. What's the idea of patting and kissing that engine? This engine is taking my wife back to Chicago. Yee hoo.
[00:21:25] Unknown:
Lord.
[00:21:28] Unknown:
Conductor, we are Fine. Fine. We have a special car for you right here. Step right in. Are there any pretty girls aboard? I'll say. What cab?
[00:21:44] Unknown:
What? What?
[00:21:50] Unknown:
Well, Costello, we're underway at last. Rough to Patterson. Gee. Abbott, it's crowded and stuffy and just pulling. Yes. It's so dark in here. You you can't see anything.
[00:22:01] Unknown:
Yeah. Where are the girls? I wanna look at those pretty cats. Where are you, girls?
