In this lively episode, we dive into a comedic skit filled with witty banter and humorous misunderstandings. The scene opens with a playful game show segment, where contestants humorously guess incorrect answers, leading to the introduction of Chumba Casino, a fictional online gaming site. The comedy continues with a chaotic and funny exchange between characters discussing a play, filled with puns and wordplay. The characters navigate through a series of comedic mishaps, including a humorous attempt to cast a leading lady for a play, and a series of misunderstandings involving language and cultural references.
The episode also features a comedic sketch set in the frozen north, where characters deal with the harsh winter in a humorous manner. The dialogue is filled with clever wordplay and slapstick humor, as characters navigate through a series of funny situations, including a misunderstanding about gallivanting and a comedic farewell scene. The episode is a delightful mix of classic comedy, showcasing the timeless humor of misunderstandings and wordplay, leaving listeners with a smile.
(00:00) Introduction and Chumba Casino
(01:00) Costello's Leading Lady Search
(04:05) The Play's Censorship Challenges
(09:12) Costello's Comedic Misunderstandings
(13:08) The Play Rehearsal Begins
(16:31) The Frozen North Drama Unfolds
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[00:00:01]
Unknown:
Okay. Round two. Name something that's not boring.
[00:00:05] Unknown:
A laundry? Oh, a book club. Computer solitaire.
[00:00:12] Unknown:
Sorry. We were looking for Chumba Casino. Chumba. That's right. ChumbaCasino.com has over a hundred casino style games. Join today and play for free for your chance to redeem some serious prizes. Chumba. Chumba Casino dot com. No more success. Forward. Related by law. 18 plus starts. Addition to the policy website for details. Judy was boring. Hello. Then Judy discovered chumbacasino.com.
[00:00:35] Unknown:
It's my little escape. Now Judy's the life of the party. Oh, baby. Mama's bringing home the bacon. Woah. Take it easy, Judy. The Chumba Life is for everybody. So go to Chumbacasino.com and play over a hundred casino style games. Join today and play for free for your chance to redeem some serious prizes. Chumbacasino.com.
[00:00:57] Unknown:
Purchase necessary for you. We're prohibited by law. 18 plus terms and conditions apply. See what's in for details. Cartella, come here. What are you so excited about? What's the matter with you? I don't know, Adam. I'm all mixed up. What do you mean? In my room, I got a big picture of Lauren Bacall on the ceiling. There you ask? How am I press right? I I I got a picture of Rita Haywood. And on the walls, I got two pictures of Petty Gravel and Yvonne DeCarlo under my pillow. And then I got a picture of Darcy Lamour in her sarong, and I think I'm going nuts. Why? All night long, I keep dreaming of Gee North
[00:01:26] Unknown:
Resort.
[00:01:27] Unknown:
That's tough.
[00:01:29] Unknown:
What are you doing with all those pictures in your room? Well, it's time for me to put on my annual spring play and I'm looking for my leading lady. I take out Penny Lamarr this year to play the people I've seen with me. Penny Lamarr is a great actress, Ashley, but she can make a fool of you in two minutes. Yeah. But just think of those two minutes. Oh, okay.
[00:01:48] Unknown:
Would you please talk, Sam? Hey, what play
[00:01:51] Unknown:
what play are you doing this year? Well, I was too thin to meet Jordy. I thought I would do that famous old play about me. About me? Yeah. You tell me there's no play about me? Are you kidding? I'm not kidding. What about Avis Irish roast? Oh, come on. And Shakespeare's play about me, the Merchant of Venice. Will you please cut it out? Cut it out. And Ginger was tameless with the famous line, two feet or not two feet. Then there was porky and less.
[00:02:25] Unknown:
Liver come back to me. You know what you're saying?
[00:02:28] Unknown:
They even wrote a picture about the cow that backed into the meat grinder. What was the name of that? Lost beef in.
[00:02:39] Unknown:
Yes. I know you did. Look. When you cut it out, please, what's your play all about? All it starts with me kissing the leading lady for twenty minutes. You kiss the leading lady for twenty minutes? Yep. Then what happens? The curtain goes up and the play stops. Oh, I see. Don't tell me that's no way to write a play. In order to write a play, you've got to collect your data. What was that? Yeah. You've gotta collect your data. Where's your data? He's home with my mama. No. No. No. I mean, the daughter for your grandma. Where's your grandma? He's home with my grandpa. No. No. No. No. Look, Crassella.
[00:03:09] Unknown:
By the way, what about me? Do I have a partner? Oh, you have it. You got a beautiful quash. As the play open Yes. To find you drowning in a bathtub. Pouring over your head. And damn. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Yeah. Do I have any lines? Oh, yeah. You got two lines. Yeah. What are they? Glove. Glove. That's all. What do you mean that's all? You see, I have a display as a mystery. Well, what am I doing in the bathtub? That's a mystery. Suddenly, a stop is hurt. Wait a minute. Do I get hit? Yeah. Where? Right between a towel rack and a stone bin. In. That's the worst thing I've ever heard. Well, if you don't like that, I got a historical place that's a story of the first Indian Gypsy Rose Lee. The first Indian Gypsy Rose Lee? Yes. Jip Poker Hunter.
[00:03:58] Unknown:
Listen, Godzilla, you can't bring a play in here at the last minute and put it on the air tonight. Why the NBC sensor has to see and hear it first.
[00:04:08] Unknown:
Certainly. What has the sensor got to do with my play? Well, your your play might contain some naughty words. Yeah. Yeah. Rabbit. Well, now wait a minute. Something like that. After all, I am a a scout. I'm I'm a scout of the phone. I understand that part. It's alright. You won't find any naughty words in my play. I understand.
[00:04:27] Unknown:
I got it. It. We'll see about we'll see about that. You go ahead and read your play, and I'll pretend that I'm the center. Now if I hear one naughty word, look, I'll tell you what I'll do. I'll ring this little bell. You see this little bell I have in my hand? If you hear a naughty word I'll ring it like that. Okay. Now can you hear that alright? Yeah. Alright. Now go ahead.
[00:04:46] Unknown:
Okay. Now if my pay opens to play in the car or riding along the cutting road, pass from the city's hustle and bustle
[00:04:53] Unknown:
wait a minute. Wait a minute.
[00:04:55] Unknown:
You can't say bustle. Well, I have to say, bustle, this takes place in the back country, right near the county seat. I'm sorry, Costello, but your bustle is out. My bustle is out? Yes. That's just the way I'm filled. Well, please go on with your story. Okay. Alright. Well, if the boy and girl are riding along, he totally shuts the car.
[00:05:17] Unknown:
Wait a minute.
[00:05:18] Unknown:
They've got to keep on riding. But the car is out again. I'm sorry. You have to change it. The car ran into a tree. You have to change it. There's a too much old baby sitting in the middle of the road crying. Oh, that's okay. That's okay. Yeah. Can you change it?
[00:05:35] Unknown:
Can you please continue?
[00:05:37] Unknown:
Oh, yeah.
[00:05:46] Unknown:
No. No. No. Roadhouse. There's a choir singing, we've had a line. Martin, get out of that one. Martin, go ahead. Go ahead. Go on. Now make some of it. Anyway, the boy walks up to the door to the buffet, and he decides to step in. I can't No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. You can't say step in. I'm sorry. What's the slip? Wait a minute. You can say slip? Alright. I I can't say slip. No. No. That also comes under the yes and the band. Underwear? No. No. No. No. No. No. Wait a minute. You can't say underwear. You know, I don't think pick up on that.
Keep going with your story, please. Where? Okay. Tell me the girl that's got a terrific scream. There's a point. Time's like she's a big ferocious animal. We're running out of the woods. Bear? No. He had a hat and coat on.
[00:06:32] Unknown:
I am. What
[00:06:34] Unknown:
kind of sex do I use? Will you be go on. Okay. Now when I find my place right now, I got it. I got it. Now the bear has supported his powerful arm and flexes him until he can hardly breathe. He's just dead. He's dead. No bears. Okay. I'll drop the bear.
[00:06:52] Unknown:
That's better.
[00:06:53] Unknown:
No. No. No. No. No. No. I think you said I'm just trying to call. Works for help because I got a man from the FBI. The truth of man is like from the f FBI. Hold on. Now I said a naughty word. Ring the bell. I said
[00:07:06] Unknown:
Ring the bell, Abbot. I'm naughty. Because, though, FBI isn't a naughty word. Yes. It is.
[00:07:12] Unknown:
Is this the FBI a bureau? Yes. What's a bureau? A chauffeur. And what's a chauffeur?
[00:07:19] Unknown:
Well, it's a tall thing with fraud. And fraud is a naughty word. Fraud.
[00:07:26] Unknown:
Costello. Costello. What are you doing on that phone? I'm calling Lana Turner to see if she will be my little lady in a play tonight. Oh, why don't you you stop, Costelli? You don't even know Lana Turner. Well, you're supposed to have it. Put time I kissed her and what a kiss that was. When it was all over, she didn't have to ask me what's cooking. She knew. Hi, Peter. Hi, Peter. What an answer. I was waiting for you to pick up those eggs. Look. Look. Yeah. I want to bless you. One zero one. Product change? Crestview. Crestview.
I'm sorry. I can't understand you. Crestview. How's that? T as in chair. In what? Care. Care. What are you sitting on? A hot water bottle. I'm chilly. Look, operator. Will you get me out of town? Oh, sure. You get me caught Gable. Look, operator. I have a plan to play games. Then you'll never be popular. Oh, well, operator, do you brush your your teeth with gunpowder? No. I don't. Then quit shooting off your mouth. Now give me Lana Turner. Go ahead. Here's your party. Hello, darling. I adore you. I love you, Magley. I'm gonna come over your house right away and haul your lily right in. Ma'am, you sure as gonna be disappointed. Will you please put me to turn around the phone? Sorry, boss. She's picking flowers in the garden.
[00:08:59] Unknown:
How do you like that? Imagine Lana Turner in the garden? Well, I think that's wonderful. I think all women could spend all their time in the garden. A woman stays in the garden. He shall have missed you.
[00:09:08] Unknown:
Didn't help me.
[00:09:10] Unknown:
This is luck.
[00:09:13] Unknown:
Well, you still haven't got to leave you laying for your play tonight. Now what are you going to do? Wait a minute, come in. Well, it's our old friend, Scotty Brown. Hello, ladies. I just dropped in to ask you if you could let me have the loan of one of your older razor blades. Sorry, Scotty. And what are you gonna do? K? No, lady. We're having split pea soup for supper, and I haven't got anything sharp enough to split the pee. Hey, Scotty. Thank you, Lottie. Well, I've gotta get back into town. I'll go out and lie down on the street. You gotta lie down on the street. Hi, Lottie. Some motorist will think I've been run over and rush me into town. It works every time. Come on, Cartel. Let's go across the hall and talk to missus Niles. Now she might suggest a leading lady for your plate, but be careful not what you say and how you say it. Do you understand? Are kind and dirty, aren't they? Go ahead.
[00:10:03] Unknown:
Oh, hello, miss Rabbit. I see you're taking your bulldog out for a walk. Oh, pardon me. That's Costello. I wish I hadn't said that, missus Miles. I was just about to pay you a compliment. Oh, no. You were? Yes. I was just gonna say how much better you look on sunglasses. But I'm not wearing sunglasses. No. But I am, and you look much better.
[00:10:24] Unknown:
Quiet quiet, Costello.
[00:10:25] Unknown:
Missus Niles, Costello is looking for a young and beautiful girl to be his leading lady. I accept. You accept. He said a young and beautiful girl. Wait a I have the face of an 18 year old girl. Oh, you better give it back to her. You're getting it all wrinkled. Oh, you like that? Kenneth. Kenneth. Oh, yeah. Yes, dear. Kenneth, tell miss Costello what you think of my work on the scene. Costello,
[00:10:48] Unknown:
my wife is a great actress. To me, she's another Hepburn. To me, she's another Hepburn.
[00:10:55] Unknown:
Costello, quit acting so smart now. Oh, that's alright, miss Draver. I think Costello is a very clever little man. In fact, Costello, I have a good problem I'd like to have you help me with. Alright. Tell me, how many hairs does a pig have? I don't know. Well, the next time you shave, count them.
[00:11:16] Unknown:
You asserted me double Costello all that time, dear.
[00:11:19] Unknown:
I think you're wonderful. You're my little potato bug. Oh, no. Get it, dear. You're my little potato bug. Oh, no. I insist you're my little potato bug. And I insist you're my little potato bun. Well, if anybody's out there with a brisket on, what are you waiting for? That's enough, Costello. Get out of my apartment. Don't ever come in here again.
[00:11:42] Unknown:
Well, you've done it again, Costello. Why do you always have to be so mean? I don't know. You don't. I'm just a trash pig hiding down the highway of life. I'm just a foreigner looking for flora.
[00:11:54] Unknown:
Please don't tell this Gracie on me. If you do, he won't let me work for him anymore. You work for this big crazy? Yeah. I'd post for those pictures of Theo, Prince.
[00:12:05] Unknown:
Come on, hot belly. You still haven't found your leading lady. Oh, pardon, monsieur. Will you hold the door open for me? Hey, look, Costello. It's missus Niles, French maid.
[00:12:16] Unknown:
Oh, Monsieur Costello, you cute little man. With you as my leading lady, we will swear after such heights. It will make us dizzy. Oh, yes. But you have a head start.
[00:12:50] Unknown:
Costello,
[00:13:08] Unknown:
to be back in Paris, to Promenade D'amneshans any day, Rue De Montmartre under the octopus. Not collection to Rudy Lapu and to Boise baloney.
[00:13:19] Unknown:
Costello, what are you doing?
[00:13:35] Unknown:
I mean, the greatest of all Frenchmen, his majesty, King Louis the eleventh. But he was an imbecile and an idiot. Take his with a New Jersey jersey.
[00:13:48] Unknown:
Come here, Costello. Yes. Look who I brought in to direct your play tonight. Yes. It's the great Professor Mellenhut. Yes. Ah, Mellenhut. There he is coming down the hall. There he is now. Well, well, well, good evening, gentlemen. I'm one of Broadway's greatest actors. Good old Broadway boy. That's where I shine. It looks like that's where you just came from, Broadway.
[00:14:07] Unknown:
Never mind where I came from. Broadway is where I shine. That's not the only place you shine. Still under that naked scar. Hey. You know what I mean? You should've been in a great Broadway play called Harvey. Harvey? With that ball head, you could have played the rabbit. Wait a minute. The rabbit is invisible. That's you, the invisible hair.
[00:14:26] Unknown:
Just a minute, Gustavo. You're speaking to a man who was acted all over the world. I speak French, Greek, Russian, Italian, Syrian. How's your Persian? Oh, she just had kitten.
[00:14:38] Unknown:
Hey. You know it's a pizza joke, mama? Yeah. I think I'll pull it out of heaven. Hey, Art. How many languages do you speak? Oh, I speak French, German, Scotch, Hindu. How's your Persian? I don't speak Persian. Now what am I gonna do with the cash?
[00:14:54] Unknown:
Mister Bellinhead, let's get on with the play, buddy. You have it fine. I have the cash already. Missus Niles, will you step in here, please? Oh, no. Missus Niles, what you doing here? Cassiella, I'm going to be your wife. Give me a secret. I want your wife. I don't know. Who wants to play your wife? If you're going to be my wife, I don't wanna play. Quiet, Costello. Professor. I don't have Quiet. Would you please do the remarks to yourself? Who else is in the sketch, Jeff? Well, the part of Costello's daughter will be played by the lovely French maid, Phoebe Leblanc.
[00:15:24] Unknown:
Come here, Phoebe. Yeah. I have with your melon head. Is is she gonna be my daughter? That's right. Phoebe Phoebe is your daughter. That's the way I wrote it. Phoebe, come here and kiss your poor old father. Well, come here. Nobody.
[00:16:11] Unknown:
Hey. Listen. I have it. I have it.
[00:16:18] Unknown:
He actually kissed me. I have it. This mother is a great writer. Never mind. Never mind, Costello. Come on now. Will the cast please take their places? Mister Niles, please set the
[00:16:31] Unknown:
scene. Ladies and gentlemen Kenanita. No.
[00:16:39] Unknown:
Ladies and gentlemen, tonight we present a stirring drama of the Frozen North entitled They Just Got Wind of Costello in Alaska or Melbowed. As the scene opens, we find Costello and his wife in their cabin in the frozen reaches of the Far North. The time is winter and the weather is bitterly cold.
[00:17:02] Unknown:
Hey. Listen, Mark. We're an employee from Hollywood Pine is lost. Cut. That's a nice pot roll, ain't it? Not all the time. Paul, that's a blizzard of howling outside. It's been a long, long, hard winter. What's the date today, Paul? What's the forty ninth? December the '40 ninth. It's so cold January is afraid to show up. CRR. PRR. If you are less cold. You don't say BRR. You say, You need to straighten my shit. I'll tell the jokes. We gotta get out of this company, Paul, before he freezes us to death. Yes. We need any dogs, ma. Just look at the ads in this paper. Eskimo fits dogs, $5 a piece.
Eskimo fits dog? Yeah. I'll tell you $10 1, he can't do it. Hey, mom. Where's my where's my daughter? She's out in the barn milking the cow. Well, she ought to be in here helping me milk these rats. You gotta keep an eye on our daughter. Last night, she was out gallivanting with Tommy Krasner. My daughter gallivanting with Tommy Krasner? Gallivanting? Ma, give me my gun. Okay, Paul. I'll I'll get you done. Never mind. I don't need it now. I just looked up Gallivanting in the dictionary. It's alright.
[00:18:33] Unknown:
Okay, Priscilla. That was fine. Now Now this is the part where your daughter, Phoebe, comes in. About time. That's what I've been waiting for. Alright.
[00:18:40] Unknown:
Go ahead, Phoebe. Read your line. Have a good line. You don't have to read.
[00:18:45] Unknown:
Don't interrupt the sketch, Costello. Speak up, Phoebe.
[00:18:48] Unknown:
Bonest your mama, and hello to you, papa, you great because just man. Paul, where does your daughter get that French accent? Such a child who looked like feet stepping like terrorist daughters. Daughter? We've been waiting for you all. Yes. You see, come over here and kiss your poor old father. Oh, don't tell him I love you, my darling.
[00:19:43] Unknown:
Costello, will you please get on with the play? The blizzard is raging outside. Look. It's bitter cold. You're freezing, and you've got to thaw out. Now do you know what you'll do?
[00:19:54] Unknown:
Yeah. Cece, come here with Tisha father. No. No. Look. Costello, the room is cold.
[00:20:02] Unknown:
Pick up that dried out old log and throw it on the fire. Okay.
[00:20:06] Unknown:
Oh, pussy down. Costello,
[00:20:09] Unknown:
will you be fired? Now now we're coming to the final scene of the play. It's getting colder and colder outside. You realize you must go for help. So you take your wife in your arms and you kiss her goodbye.
[00:20:19] Unknown:
Fine, ma. The your nose is cold, I'm over here. Put down that dog. Tell what that wrong is. That fool me, ma.
[00:20:28] Unknown:
Cut it out, Cartela. Now this is where you say goodbye to your loving daughter.
[00:20:39] Unknown:
Papa, I am going to kiss you like they kissed in Paris. Do you like the way we kiss you, Harry? Who turned my shoes around backwards?
Okay. Round two. Name something that's not boring.
[00:00:05] Unknown:
A laundry? Oh, a book club. Computer solitaire.
[00:00:12] Unknown:
Sorry. We were looking for Chumba Casino. Chumba. That's right. ChumbaCasino.com has over a hundred casino style games. Join today and play for free for your chance to redeem some serious prizes. Chumba. Chumba Casino dot com. No more success. Forward. Related by law. 18 plus starts. Addition to the policy website for details. Judy was boring. Hello. Then Judy discovered chumbacasino.com.
[00:00:35] Unknown:
It's my little escape. Now Judy's the life of the party. Oh, baby. Mama's bringing home the bacon. Woah. Take it easy, Judy. The Chumba Life is for everybody. So go to Chumbacasino.com and play over a hundred casino style games. Join today and play for free for your chance to redeem some serious prizes. Chumbacasino.com.
[00:00:57] Unknown:
Purchase necessary for you. We're prohibited by law. 18 plus terms and conditions apply. See what's in for details. Cartella, come here. What are you so excited about? What's the matter with you? I don't know, Adam. I'm all mixed up. What do you mean? In my room, I got a big picture of Lauren Bacall on the ceiling. There you ask? How am I press right? I I I got a picture of Rita Haywood. And on the walls, I got two pictures of Petty Gravel and Yvonne DeCarlo under my pillow. And then I got a picture of Darcy Lamour in her sarong, and I think I'm going nuts. Why? All night long, I keep dreaming of Gee North
[00:01:26] Unknown:
Resort.
[00:01:27] Unknown:
That's tough.
[00:01:29] Unknown:
What are you doing with all those pictures in your room? Well, it's time for me to put on my annual spring play and I'm looking for my leading lady. I take out Penny Lamarr this year to play the people I've seen with me. Penny Lamarr is a great actress, Ashley, but she can make a fool of you in two minutes. Yeah. But just think of those two minutes. Oh, okay.
[00:01:48] Unknown:
Would you please talk, Sam? Hey, what play
[00:01:51] Unknown:
what play are you doing this year? Well, I was too thin to meet Jordy. I thought I would do that famous old play about me. About me? Yeah. You tell me there's no play about me? Are you kidding? I'm not kidding. What about Avis Irish roast? Oh, come on. And Shakespeare's play about me, the Merchant of Venice. Will you please cut it out? Cut it out. And Ginger was tameless with the famous line, two feet or not two feet. Then there was porky and less.
[00:02:25] Unknown:
Liver come back to me. You know what you're saying?
[00:02:28] Unknown:
They even wrote a picture about the cow that backed into the meat grinder. What was the name of that? Lost beef in.
[00:02:39] Unknown:
Yes. I know you did. Look. When you cut it out, please, what's your play all about? All it starts with me kissing the leading lady for twenty minutes. You kiss the leading lady for twenty minutes? Yep. Then what happens? The curtain goes up and the play stops. Oh, I see. Don't tell me that's no way to write a play. In order to write a play, you've got to collect your data. What was that? Yeah. You've gotta collect your data. Where's your data? He's home with my mama. No. No. No. I mean, the daughter for your grandma. Where's your grandma? He's home with my grandpa. No. No. No. No. Look, Crassella.
[00:03:09] Unknown:
By the way, what about me? Do I have a partner? Oh, you have it. You got a beautiful quash. As the play open Yes. To find you drowning in a bathtub. Pouring over your head. And damn. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Yeah. Do I have any lines? Oh, yeah. You got two lines. Yeah. What are they? Glove. Glove. That's all. What do you mean that's all? You see, I have a display as a mystery. Well, what am I doing in the bathtub? That's a mystery. Suddenly, a stop is hurt. Wait a minute. Do I get hit? Yeah. Where? Right between a towel rack and a stone bin. In. That's the worst thing I've ever heard. Well, if you don't like that, I got a historical place that's a story of the first Indian Gypsy Rose Lee. The first Indian Gypsy Rose Lee? Yes. Jip Poker Hunter.
[00:03:58] Unknown:
Listen, Godzilla, you can't bring a play in here at the last minute and put it on the air tonight. Why the NBC sensor has to see and hear it first.
[00:04:08] Unknown:
Certainly. What has the sensor got to do with my play? Well, your your play might contain some naughty words. Yeah. Yeah. Rabbit. Well, now wait a minute. Something like that. After all, I am a a scout. I'm I'm a scout of the phone. I understand that part. It's alright. You won't find any naughty words in my play. I understand.
[00:04:27] Unknown:
I got it. It. We'll see about we'll see about that. You go ahead and read your play, and I'll pretend that I'm the center. Now if I hear one naughty word, look, I'll tell you what I'll do. I'll ring this little bell. You see this little bell I have in my hand? If you hear a naughty word I'll ring it like that. Okay. Now can you hear that alright? Yeah. Alright. Now go ahead.
[00:04:46] Unknown:
Okay. Now if my pay opens to play in the car or riding along the cutting road, pass from the city's hustle and bustle
[00:04:53] Unknown:
wait a minute. Wait a minute.
[00:04:55] Unknown:
You can't say bustle. Well, I have to say, bustle, this takes place in the back country, right near the county seat. I'm sorry, Costello, but your bustle is out. My bustle is out? Yes. That's just the way I'm filled. Well, please go on with your story. Okay. Alright. Well, if the boy and girl are riding along, he totally shuts the car.
[00:05:17] Unknown:
Wait a minute.
[00:05:18] Unknown:
They've got to keep on riding. But the car is out again. I'm sorry. You have to change it. The car ran into a tree. You have to change it. There's a too much old baby sitting in the middle of the road crying. Oh, that's okay. That's okay. Yeah. Can you change it?
[00:05:35] Unknown:
Can you please continue?
[00:05:37] Unknown:
Oh, yeah.
[00:05:46] Unknown:
No. No. No. Roadhouse. There's a choir singing, we've had a line. Martin, get out of that one. Martin, go ahead. Go ahead. Go on. Now make some of it. Anyway, the boy walks up to the door to the buffet, and he decides to step in. I can't No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. You can't say step in. I'm sorry. What's the slip? Wait a minute. You can say slip? Alright. I I can't say slip. No. No. That also comes under the yes and the band. Underwear? No. No. No. No. No. No. Wait a minute. You can't say underwear. You know, I don't think pick up on that.
Keep going with your story, please. Where? Okay. Tell me the girl that's got a terrific scream. There's a point. Time's like she's a big ferocious animal. We're running out of the woods. Bear? No. He had a hat and coat on.
[00:06:32] Unknown:
I am. What
[00:06:34] Unknown:
kind of sex do I use? Will you be go on. Okay. Now when I find my place right now, I got it. I got it. Now the bear has supported his powerful arm and flexes him until he can hardly breathe. He's just dead. He's dead. No bears. Okay. I'll drop the bear.
[00:06:52] Unknown:
That's better.
[00:06:53] Unknown:
No. No. No. No. No. No. I think you said I'm just trying to call. Works for help because I got a man from the FBI. The truth of man is like from the f FBI. Hold on. Now I said a naughty word. Ring the bell. I said
[00:07:06] Unknown:
Ring the bell, Abbot. I'm naughty. Because, though, FBI isn't a naughty word. Yes. It is.
[00:07:12] Unknown:
Is this the FBI a bureau? Yes. What's a bureau? A chauffeur. And what's a chauffeur?
[00:07:19] Unknown:
Well, it's a tall thing with fraud. And fraud is a naughty word. Fraud.
[00:07:26] Unknown:
Costello. Costello. What are you doing on that phone? I'm calling Lana Turner to see if she will be my little lady in a play tonight. Oh, why don't you you stop, Costelli? You don't even know Lana Turner. Well, you're supposed to have it. Put time I kissed her and what a kiss that was. When it was all over, she didn't have to ask me what's cooking. She knew. Hi, Peter. Hi, Peter. What an answer. I was waiting for you to pick up those eggs. Look. Look. Yeah. I want to bless you. One zero one. Product change? Crestview. Crestview.
I'm sorry. I can't understand you. Crestview. How's that? T as in chair. In what? Care. Care. What are you sitting on? A hot water bottle. I'm chilly. Look, operator. Will you get me out of town? Oh, sure. You get me caught Gable. Look, operator. I have a plan to play games. Then you'll never be popular. Oh, well, operator, do you brush your your teeth with gunpowder? No. I don't. Then quit shooting off your mouth. Now give me Lana Turner. Go ahead. Here's your party. Hello, darling. I adore you. I love you, Magley. I'm gonna come over your house right away and haul your lily right in. Ma'am, you sure as gonna be disappointed. Will you please put me to turn around the phone? Sorry, boss. She's picking flowers in the garden.
[00:08:59] Unknown:
How do you like that? Imagine Lana Turner in the garden? Well, I think that's wonderful. I think all women could spend all their time in the garden. A woman stays in the garden. He shall have missed you.
[00:09:08] Unknown:
Didn't help me.
[00:09:10] Unknown:
This is luck.
[00:09:13] Unknown:
Well, you still haven't got to leave you laying for your play tonight. Now what are you going to do? Wait a minute, come in. Well, it's our old friend, Scotty Brown. Hello, ladies. I just dropped in to ask you if you could let me have the loan of one of your older razor blades. Sorry, Scotty. And what are you gonna do? K? No, lady. We're having split pea soup for supper, and I haven't got anything sharp enough to split the pee. Hey, Scotty. Thank you, Lottie. Well, I've gotta get back into town. I'll go out and lie down on the street. You gotta lie down on the street. Hi, Lottie. Some motorist will think I've been run over and rush me into town. It works every time. Come on, Cartel. Let's go across the hall and talk to missus Niles. Now she might suggest a leading lady for your plate, but be careful not what you say and how you say it. Do you understand? Are kind and dirty, aren't they? Go ahead.
[00:10:03] Unknown:
Oh, hello, miss Rabbit. I see you're taking your bulldog out for a walk. Oh, pardon me. That's Costello. I wish I hadn't said that, missus Miles. I was just about to pay you a compliment. Oh, no. You were? Yes. I was just gonna say how much better you look on sunglasses. But I'm not wearing sunglasses. No. But I am, and you look much better.
[00:10:24] Unknown:
Quiet quiet, Costello.
[00:10:25] Unknown:
Missus Niles, Costello is looking for a young and beautiful girl to be his leading lady. I accept. You accept. He said a young and beautiful girl. Wait a I have the face of an 18 year old girl. Oh, you better give it back to her. You're getting it all wrinkled. Oh, you like that? Kenneth. Kenneth. Oh, yeah. Yes, dear. Kenneth, tell miss Costello what you think of my work on the scene. Costello,
[00:10:48] Unknown:
my wife is a great actress. To me, she's another Hepburn. To me, she's another Hepburn.
[00:10:55] Unknown:
Costello, quit acting so smart now. Oh, that's alright, miss Draver. I think Costello is a very clever little man. In fact, Costello, I have a good problem I'd like to have you help me with. Alright. Tell me, how many hairs does a pig have? I don't know. Well, the next time you shave, count them.
[00:11:16] Unknown:
You asserted me double Costello all that time, dear.
[00:11:19] Unknown:
I think you're wonderful. You're my little potato bug. Oh, no. Get it, dear. You're my little potato bug. Oh, no. I insist you're my little potato bug. And I insist you're my little potato bun. Well, if anybody's out there with a brisket on, what are you waiting for? That's enough, Costello. Get out of my apartment. Don't ever come in here again.
[00:11:42] Unknown:
Well, you've done it again, Costello. Why do you always have to be so mean? I don't know. You don't. I'm just a trash pig hiding down the highway of life. I'm just a foreigner looking for flora.
[00:11:54] Unknown:
Please don't tell this Gracie on me. If you do, he won't let me work for him anymore. You work for this big crazy? Yeah. I'd post for those pictures of Theo, Prince.
[00:12:05] Unknown:
Come on, hot belly. You still haven't found your leading lady. Oh, pardon, monsieur. Will you hold the door open for me? Hey, look, Costello. It's missus Niles, French maid.
[00:12:16] Unknown:
Oh, Monsieur Costello, you cute little man. With you as my leading lady, we will swear after such heights. It will make us dizzy. Oh, yes. But you have a head start.
[00:12:50] Unknown:
Costello,
[00:13:08] Unknown:
to be back in Paris, to Promenade D'amneshans any day, Rue De Montmartre under the octopus. Not collection to Rudy Lapu and to Boise baloney.
[00:13:19] Unknown:
Costello, what are you doing?
[00:13:35] Unknown:
I mean, the greatest of all Frenchmen, his majesty, King Louis the eleventh. But he was an imbecile and an idiot. Take his with a New Jersey jersey.
[00:13:48] Unknown:
Come here, Costello. Yes. Look who I brought in to direct your play tonight. Yes. It's the great Professor Mellenhut. Yes. Ah, Mellenhut. There he is coming down the hall. There he is now. Well, well, well, good evening, gentlemen. I'm one of Broadway's greatest actors. Good old Broadway boy. That's where I shine. It looks like that's where you just came from, Broadway.
[00:14:07] Unknown:
Never mind where I came from. Broadway is where I shine. That's not the only place you shine. Still under that naked scar. Hey. You know what I mean? You should've been in a great Broadway play called Harvey. Harvey? With that ball head, you could have played the rabbit. Wait a minute. The rabbit is invisible. That's you, the invisible hair.
[00:14:26] Unknown:
Just a minute, Gustavo. You're speaking to a man who was acted all over the world. I speak French, Greek, Russian, Italian, Syrian. How's your Persian? Oh, she just had kitten.
[00:14:38] Unknown:
Hey. You know it's a pizza joke, mama? Yeah. I think I'll pull it out of heaven. Hey, Art. How many languages do you speak? Oh, I speak French, German, Scotch, Hindu. How's your Persian? I don't speak Persian. Now what am I gonna do with the cash?
[00:14:54] Unknown:
Mister Bellinhead, let's get on with the play, buddy. You have it fine. I have the cash already. Missus Niles, will you step in here, please? Oh, no. Missus Niles, what you doing here? Cassiella, I'm going to be your wife. Give me a secret. I want your wife. I don't know. Who wants to play your wife? If you're going to be my wife, I don't wanna play. Quiet, Costello. Professor. I don't have Quiet. Would you please do the remarks to yourself? Who else is in the sketch, Jeff? Well, the part of Costello's daughter will be played by the lovely French maid, Phoebe Leblanc.
[00:15:24] Unknown:
Come here, Phoebe. Yeah. I have with your melon head. Is is she gonna be my daughter? That's right. Phoebe Phoebe is your daughter. That's the way I wrote it. Phoebe, come here and kiss your poor old father. Well, come here. Nobody.
[00:16:11] Unknown:
Hey. Listen. I have it. I have it.
[00:16:18] Unknown:
He actually kissed me. I have it. This mother is a great writer. Never mind. Never mind, Costello. Come on now. Will the cast please take their places? Mister Niles, please set the
[00:16:31] Unknown:
scene. Ladies and gentlemen Kenanita. No.
[00:16:39] Unknown:
Ladies and gentlemen, tonight we present a stirring drama of the Frozen North entitled They Just Got Wind of Costello in Alaska or Melbowed. As the scene opens, we find Costello and his wife in their cabin in the frozen reaches of the Far North. The time is winter and the weather is bitterly cold.
[00:17:02] Unknown:
Hey. Listen, Mark. We're an employee from Hollywood Pine is lost. Cut. That's a nice pot roll, ain't it? Not all the time. Paul, that's a blizzard of howling outside. It's been a long, long, hard winter. What's the date today, Paul? What's the forty ninth? December the '40 ninth. It's so cold January is afraid to show up. CRR. PRR. If you are less cold. You don't say BRR. You say, You need to straighten my shit. I'll tell the jokes. We gotta get out of this company, Paul, before he freezes us to death. Yes. We need any dogs, ma. Just look at the ads in this paper. Eskimo fits dogs, $5 a piece.
Eskimo fits dog? Yeah. I'll tell you $10 1, he can't do it. Hey, mom. Where's my where's my daughter? She's out in the barn milking the cow. Well, she ought to be in here helping me milk these rats. You gotta keep an eye on our daughter. Last night, she was out gallivanting with Tommy Krasner. My daughter gallivanting with Tommy Krasner? Gallivanting? Ma, give me my gun. Okay, Paul. I'll I'll get you done. Never mind. I don't need it now. I just looked up Gallivanting in the dictionary. It's alright.
[00:18:33] Unknown:
Okay, Priscilla. That was fine. Now Now this is the part where your daughter, Phoebe, comes in. About time. That's what I've been waiting for. Alright.
[00:18:40] Unknown:
Go ahead, Phoebe. Read your line. Have a good line. You don't have to read.
[00:18:45] Unknown:
Don't interrupt the sketch, Costello. Speak up, Phoebe.
[00:18:48] Unknown:
Bonest your mama, and hello to you, papa, you great because just man. Paul, where does your daughter get that French accent? Such a child who looked like feet stepping like terrorist daughters. Daughter? We've been waiting for you all. Yes. You see, come over here and kiss your poor old father. Oh, don't tell him I love you, my darling.
[00:19:43] Unknown:
Costello, will you please get on with the play? The blizzard is raging outside. Look. It's bitter cold. You're freezing, and you've got to thaw out. Now do you know what you'll do?
[00:19:54] Unknown:
Yeah. Cece, come here with Tisha father. No. No. Look. Costello, the room is cold.
[00:20:02] Unknown:
Pick up that dried out old log and throw it on the fire. Okay.
[00:20:06] Unknown:
Oh, pussy down. Costello,
[00:20:09] Unknown:
will you be fired? Now now we're coming to the final scene of the play. It's getting colder and colder outside. You realize you must go for help. So you take your wife in your arms and you kiss her goodbye.
[00:20:19] Unknown:
Fine, ma. The your nose is cold, I'm over here. Put down that dog. Tell what that wrong is. That fool me, ma.
[00:20:28] Unknown:
Cut it out, Cartela. Now this is where you say goodbye to your loving daughter.
[00:20:39] Unknown:
Papa, I am going to kiss you like they kissed in Paris. Do you like the way we kiss you, Harry? Who turned my shoes around backwards?
