In this episode, we dive into a comedic journey filled with mishaps and misunderstandings. Our host, Ryan, kicks things off with a light-hearted discussion about winning celebrations, leading into a humorous exploration of social casino games at Chamba Casino. The conversation takes a whimsical turn as we encounter a series of comedic sketches involving characters like Aunt May, Uncle Mike, and the ever-bumbling Costello. From mistaken medications to disastrous dates, the laughs keep coming as we navigate through a series of absurd scenarios.
The episode continues with a chaotic adventure involving the Foreign Legion, where Costello and Abbott find themselves in a series of misadventures. From joining the wrong legion to escaping across the desert, the duo's antics provide endless entertainment. Along the way, they encounter eccentric characters, including a used camel dealer and a newspaper vendor in the desert. As the episode wraps up, the comedic duo finds themselves back at sea, only to realize they're headed back to the Foreign Legion, leaving listeners in stitches with their repeated swordfish gag. This episode is a rollercoaster of laughs, showcasing classic comedic timing and slapstick humor.
(01:04) Aunt May's Medicine Mix-Up
(02:18) Traffic Troubles and Car Chaos
(05:27) A Series of Unfortunate Events
(08:07) Costello's School Days and Future Predictions
(12:28) Joining the Foreign Legion
(15:03) Adventures on the High Seas
(19:47) Desert Escapades and Mirages
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[00:00:00]
Unknown:
It is Ryan here, and I have a question for you. What do you do when you win? Like, are you a fist pumper, a woo hooer, a hand clapper, a high fiver? I kinda like the high five, but if you wanna hone in on those winning moves, check out Chamba Casino. At chambacasino.com, choose from hundreds of social casino style games for your chance to redeem serious cash prizes. There are new game releases weekly plus free daily bonuses, so don't wait. Start having the most fun ever at chumbacasino.com.
[00:00:31] Unknown:
No purchase necessary. PGW, point where prohibited by loss. Terms and conditions, 18 plus. With Lucky Lancelot, you can get lucky just about anywhere. Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to has anyone seen the bride and groom?
[00:00:39] Unknown:
Sorry. Sorry. We're here. We were getting lucky in the limo, and we lost track of time.
[00:00:44] Unknown:
No. Lucky Lane Casino with cash prizes that add up quicker than a guest registry. In that case, I pronounce you lucky.
[00:00:52] Unknown:
Play for free at luckylandslots.com. Daily bonuses are waiting. No purchase necessary. Void where prohibited by law. 18 plus. Terms and conditions apply. See website for details.
[00:01:04] Unknown:
Cassella. Cassella. What's the matter? Yeah. But something terrible happened. My aunt May got all mixed up. She gave her dog her medicine and took the dog's medicine by mistake. That's awful. What effect does it have? Now the dog sits on Uncle Mike's lap, and aunt May is out chasing rabbits. Never mind your aunt May. How did you like that date I had fixed up for you last night? Wasn't she a lovely girl? Oh, lovely girl. Brother, was that Dame Knockney? Oh, she wasn't so Knockneyed. No. When we were walking down Hollywood Boulevard, 1 knee said to the other, I let you pass first the last time. Now give me a chance. When did you have a good time? Well, first, I took her to Sarah's for dinner. That cost $31. Then I bought a box of chocolates. That cost $4. Then I took her to the movies. That cost $2. Then I took her home, and she slammed the door right in my face. She did. That's gratitude for you after all the money she spent on me.
Priscilla, running around every night with a different girl is no good. Someday, you're gonna get in trouble. Not me, Abbot. When it comes to women, I'm smart. No woman has pinned anything on me since I was a baby. Pastor Bella, how could you be so stupid? Why don't you be more like me? Like you? Then who would tell the jokes? I mean, you should me use me for a model. I'm a model man. A model man? That's what started the last fight between my aunt May and uncle Mike. He got mad because aunt May called him a model man. Why did your uncle Mike get mad? He looked it up in the dictionary and found out that a model is a small imitation of the real thing. I got to know. They really had a fight. They fought tooth and nail. Tooth and nail? Yes. Aunt May, nail, uncle Mike, and a pussy knocked out his tooth. Alright. Alright. You're late again today. What's your excuse this time, Lou? I couldn't have it happen. When I got to Hollywood and find the traffic, it was all snarled up. Was there an accident? No. Some tour stopped for a red light.
I see you got another traffic ticket, Yep. Costello, that's six traffic tickets. You've got this week alone. How how do you count for that? Well, Sunday, I couldn't get the car out of the garage. Well, what is the ticket for this time? Double parking my car, and it's a $200 fine. It can't be. It's It's only $2 fine. Lots of people double park their cars. On top of other cars? I you went to your car in the midget race. Well, that wouldn't be fair. Why not? I wouldn't look a big guy like me racing against those little midgets. You know, your brother Pat borrowed my car Saturday.
There there's a really a fast car. Yeah. Pat, let me drive your car. I turned off the road and cut right from the farm. I was driving so fast that I went past the beans and going to look like sucker cash. How fast were you going? 80 miles a minute. You mean 80 miles an hour? I mean minute. That car of yours won't go an hour. You idiot. You had no right to drive my car through a pond. I had to have it. If I drive drive it down the road, I'd pass the junkyard. Every time I do that, the car would stop. Why? It gets poonks. Now look. That car is in great shape, Costella.
If you drove that car into a race, you'd go, you'd you'd go like thunder across the finish line. Thunder is right. Every time I stop the motor, the windows fall out of the house across the street. No. That's ridiculous. That car is in fine shape. Why haven't paid a dime on that car for repairs in ten months? Yeah. That's what the repairman told me. You said you were a dead thief? Here's your personal remarks to yourself. Tell your brother, Pat, that he ruined my car. When he brought it back, the engine was smoking. Well, it's old enough to smoke. What do you want it to do, sweetie, Rebecca?
Never mind that. I had some new tire covers in that car, and they're gone. Those tire covers were no good at it. I put them on a tire.
[00:04:21] Unknown:
That didn't
[00:04:22] Unknown:
last 10 miles. I tell you you are a nimbus, though. Oh, Boulder. Now you made me say a bad word. What? What are you talking about? Boulder's a dam. Is that a bad word? No, miss Thompson. See that my car is brought back to my house tonight. Oh, I don't think I could bring it back tonight, Abbot. This afternoon, I took it off for a ride, and a big truck tried to beat me to the intersection. What? Now wait a minute. Wait a minute. Don't tell me you ran my car into that truck? Mhmm. Oh, hell. Thank goodness for that. Truck ran into me. I ask who the owner of that truck. Who owns it? What does the what does the truck look like? Well, it was a big, bright red truck with a lot of brass on it. There was a long ladder on it, and there was six fishermen in it.
Fishermen? Six guys with rubber coats and hats. Brother, were they zooming along? I believe that was a fire truck, and they were firemen going to a fire. From now on, you stay away from my car and stay away from my house. You ain't got any house. That's where the fire was. This is terrible. You wrecked my car, then my house burns down. Oh, it's a lucky thing I still have some money in the bank. You ain't got any money in the bank either. What? While everybody was watching the fire at your house, the bank was robbed. Well, there goes everything but my wife's car. I got to tell you, Abbot, the guy that robbed the bank took your wife's car to make that getaway.
Well, this is awful. My car is wrecked. My my house is burned down. My money is my money has been stolen. The only thing I have left in the world is my darling little wife. That's the part I forgot to tell you about. The guys that love the bank kidnapped your wife and if you want it back, you have to pay them $20,000 ransom. Hey. Which one of you guys has bought out of it? I am. Well, I'm the guy that's shooting up your wife. Look, mister. I haven't got $20,000. You want your wife back, don't you? Oh, yes. I do. But I haven't got $20,000. Well, you have now. What do you mean? Listen. Me and my partners talked it over, and we're willing to pay you $20,000 to take a rope I had.
Don't do it, Abbott. What do you mean? Abbott, do you realize how bad these guys are stuck? They cut your wife. They'll pay more than $20,000 to get rid of that old turkey. Oh, let me handle this. Look, mister. Abbott is willing to take his wife back, but, it's gonna cost you $30,000. Oh, you drive a hard bargain, Fatso. Well, here's a 30,000. Hey, Charlie. Bring her in.
[00:06:58] Unknown:
Oh, nobody. My I just had the most exciting experience. These two charming boys have been driving me around all over town.
[00:07:06] Unknown:
Come on, Charlie, before this joint changes its mind. You're a sucker rabbit. We could have got 40,000. Quiet, Costello. Betty, darling. Do you realize who those two men were? They were bandits. They were bad men. Oh, I thought they were pretty good.
[00:07:22] Unknown:
Oh, the little one kissed
[00:07:30] Unknown:
me. Missus Abbott, how could a little short guy like that kiss a big, tall woman like you? I boosted him up on a chair. Oh. So what did I say? How dare you? Costello, how can you suggest that my wife would stoop that you're a bandit? She didn't stoop ever. She boosted him up on a chair. Oh,
[00:07:47] Unknown:
you insignificant
[00:07:48] Unknown:
imbecile. I'll Missus Abbott, missus Abbott, when you call me that, smile. Why? I'd like to hear the wind whistle through your teeth.
[00:08:00] Unknown:
Costello,
[00:08:01] Unknown:
I have beautiful teeth. Yes. One upper and one lower. They ought to get together someday for lunch. Now head that out, Costello. My wife has had a very tough day. Our house burned down. She was kidnapped kidnapped by bandits, and you're picking her up. Why? Why? Why do you continually insult my wife?
[00:08:20] Unknown:
Oh, I'm a bad boy.
[00:08:24] Unknown:
I'll say you are a bad boy, and it's all because you waste your time in school. I didn't waste my time in school, Abbott. We were so poor. We went to school without any shoes. And the kid that sat next to me, his father was a millionaire. I worked hard, and he didn't. I graduated and he failed and was expelled. I never saw him again until last week. Do you know what he is today? A bum, No. A millionaire. His father died and left him all that money.
[00:08:49] Unknown:
Castillo, I don't know what the future holds for you. Oh, baby. I can help him, bud. Here, Castillo, let me see your hand. I'll tell your future. Okay. My my my. What an interesting hand. Oh, this line tells me that you have six children. I ain't even married. You better get that line fixed. I gotta see. Oh, yes. This is your lifeline. Oh my. You'll live to be 28 years old. But I'm 33 now. Oh, how do you like that, buddy? He's been dead for five years and doesn't even know it.
[00:09:40] Unknown:
Well, yes. But you you certainly knocked the place up with him that time. You know how to handle him. Oh, you always mop up with him. You're the one that knows how to handle him. But I insist you mop up with him today. You know how to handle him. Ladies and gentlemen, you had just heard from a couple of old mop handles. Oh, good bye. My wife is a wonderful girl, Costello. She's a picture of hell. Did you notice her rosy red cheeks? Red cheeks are the sign of good health, Sargentine. Well, tonight, she was healthier on one side than she was on the other. Pardon me, gentlemen.
Which one of you is Costello? I am Lou Costello. The boys of the Legion have been listening to your program, Costello, and we have decided to make you a member of the Legion. Costello, do you realize what a none of this is? Then you accept, You will join the legion. Oh, sure. I'll be very, very happy to join the legion. Good. Be at this address in an hour, and we will make you members. Goodbye. Abbott, you ought to be proud of me. Take a minute. I'm gonna be a member of the legion. Someday, I may be head of the legion. I may even get to be a big politician. I can see myself now at the meeting at the Big 4. Me, Lana Turner, Hedy Lamarr, and Betty Grable. Wait a minute. What about Ethley, Riggle, and Stalin? Let them get their own girls.
Well, Castello, there's the Legion headquarters, officer of the captain. Let's go in. Costello, there's a great honor for you. Yes. Reminds you the time I went to Harvard. I was in a medical school. You went to Harvard Medical School? Yes. What were you studying? Nothing. They were studying me. Hard sense. Let's go into the legion office. I see you have kept your word. You have come to join the legion. Costello, I will now square you in. Place your left hand over your heart and repeat after me. After me. So Costello, the man wants you to repeat after him. I beg your pardon. After him.
No. No. No. Not after him. I want you to repeat after me. Okay. After me. Yeah. Tell me when he says he wants you to repeat after me. He means he wants you to repeat after him. Make up your mind. Do I repeat after you or after him? After him. After me. Why don't you two guys go out in the alley and fight it out? Never mind that. We'll dispense with the formalities. Albert and Costello, do you wish to join the Legion? We do. Good. You are now members of the Legion. Our boat leaves for Morocco tonight. I didn't know the American Legion was having a convention in Morocco. What's American Legion? You just joined the Foreign Legion. Get going. Well, now you've done it, Costello.
Joined the Foreign Legion. Here we are in this this rat infested ship. Look at that cutthroat crew. Look at the captain. He's standing on the bridge. Well, the captain is supposed to stay on the bridge. While it's still in the sailor's mouth? The worst thing on this ship is the food. Yes. It's pretty bad food, Abbott. Yes, sir. Today, I threw my lunch overboard, and the fish threw it back. Well, I hope the food will be better when we reach Faran Legion headquarters. I heard the food they eat there will make you as tough as nails. What do they eat? Nails. And the cheap kind, penny nails.
Here comes the captain. Hey, you two. I told you not to come upon death. If you disobey my orders again, I'll cut your ears off. I'll hang you from the main mast by your toes and stick this cool cue in your ear and play pigeons with your eyeball. And if that don't work, I'll torture you. Yeah. Well, I can look you with both hands tied to the rail. Well, why don't you do it? Alright. Let me tie your hands to the rail. That's so are you afraid of this guy? Nah. Then go ahead and find him. Suppose he does kill you. What's better than dying like a hero?
Living like a coward. Hello. You are lucky you didn't start anything with me, Costello. Why, I jam my fist in your mouth, char your teeth loose, and beat you to a jelly. Jam, jarred jelly. Heaven preserve us. I remember, I'll be keeping my eye on you. What was that? The ship must be going around the horn. Look. We're coming into shore. Ship on our ship. Come on, Costello. Come on, Costello. Nobody's watching us. Let's jump overboard and swim to talk. Quick. You jump first. Here I go. Costello, you just jumped into the water. How'd you get back on deck here again? Haven't. You ever back into a swordfish? Come on.
Tell him, no one saw us get off that ship now. You can only sneak across the desert. We may escape from the foreign legion. Abbot, I know the best way to escape. We'll take a boat and go up the Nylon River. You mean with what? The Nile River? Nile. And it's something that goes on a girl's leg. Well, you go your way and I'll go mine. Crossing the desert is dangerous, Lou. The heat may affect your mind. You may even see a mirage. I used to go steady with a mirage. Yeah, dummy. A mirage is something that you you can see, but you can't get your hands on. That's her.
She she she was crazy about me. She's crazy without she loved me. She come from a city in Turkey. I can't remember the name. Istanbul? No. Abbotus of truth.
[00:17:09] Unknown:
Oh, no. I said Istanbul.
[00:17:12] Unknown:
I said it's no bullets of truth. She was probably Turkish. Did she have an accent? No. But she talked through her nose, and she had a cold. Boy, could she keep up a running conversation? Where did you meet this girl? She was a dancer in a nightclub. Did the dance of the seven veils. Monday night, she would take off the first veil. Tuesday, she'd take off the second veil. Wednesday, the third veil. Thursday, the fourth veil. The place doing business. Sunday night, you couldn't get into the joint. People couldn't wait till she took off that seventh veil to see the beautiful, mean coat she wore under it. Oh, dawgden. It's Costello. There's no one around. Now we've gotta buy a camel and cross the desert. I'll ask this guy where we can buy a camel. Pardon me, sir. Could you tell us where we can buy a camel? Don't bother me, bud. I just escaped from the foreign legion. I went home. My wife ran away with my best friend. They took all my money and burned my house down. If that happened to me, I I would've cut my throat. Why do you think I'm whispering? Abbott, there's a place we're looking for. See that sign?
Honest, Hasson, used camel dealer. Come on.
[00:18:25] Unknown:
6 60 5, 9 6 60 6, 9 6 60 7.
[00:18:31] Unknown:
But nine hundred Damn it. He's cutting his money. 900668,
[00:18:36] Unknown:
9 6
[00:18:38] Unknown:
mister Hasson?
[00:18:39] Unknown:
What is it? What is it? What oh, you made me lose count. I gotta start over. +1, 234.
[00:18:47] Unknown:
I'll count that money later. We wanna buy a camel. Oh, customers. Oh, there's a bunch of dandy camels over there. Do you mind if I carry a couple of them? Why do you wanna carry a camel? Why not? Camels carried us for five years.
[00:19:07] Unknown:
Alright, boys. What kind of a camel do you want, Would you like, one hump or two? One hump with lemon, please.
[00:19:15] Unknown:
Mister Hassan, what is that camel over there? The one with the, six humps. Oh, that's our station wagon model.
[00:19:22] Unknown:
Well, we'll take him. We gotta get across the desert. Oh, if you're going across the desert, you'll need a guide. Oh, a guide. The shifting sands blood out the trail. My guide, Abdul, he's the greatest of the desert. Abdul can find a trail buried under tons of sand. Abdul can find his way through anything. Good. We'll hire Abdul now. Charlie, you can't have Abdul now. Why? He's lost.
[00:19:46] Unknown:
Come on, Castello. We've got to get out of here. We'll cross the desert alone. Abbott, we've been on this desert for five days. I can't stand it any longer. It's so hot. You go on without me. I'm only holding you back. My life is worthless anyway. We both can't make it. You have more to live for than I. Abbott, my beloved friend, go on without me. I'll stay here and die. No. No. Don't say it, Abbott. Don't say it. I I'm gonna stay here and die. Nothing you can say will make me change my mind. But, alright. You talk me into it. I'll go with you. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey.
What are you doing out here in the middle of the desert selling the Los Angeles papers? Boy, did they give me a lousy corner. Castella, we only had some towels put over our heads to protect us from the heat. Hey. Look. There are three beautiful girls coming to others. One is wearing a towel for a scarf. Grab it. Okay. I got it. The other one is wearing a towel for a turban. Okay. I got it. The other one is wearing okay. I got it. What's that? She was wearing a towel for a towel. I can tell her, this girl is beautiful. Look, she's wearing a veil over her face. See you're pretty. Why are you wearing that veil over your face? It's the customs of the country. Anything else you'd like to know? How do I get through the customs?
Castello. Castello, we did it. We've crossed the desert. Look. There's a boat. We're going back to America. We've escaped from the foreign legion. Come on. Well, Costello, we've been at sea for three days now. I wonder when we get home. I'll ask the captain. Hey, captain. When does this boat get to America? This boat is not going to America. We are taking prisoners to the foreign legion. That didn't happen. I'm diving overboard. Castella, you just jumped into the water. How'd you get back on deck? Did you ever back into a swordfish? You did that joke before. So what? I like the joke. I'll do it again. Did you ever Come on.
It is Ryan here, and I have a question for you. What do you do when you win? Like, are you a fist pumper, a woo hooer, a hand clapper, a high fiver? I kinda like the high five, but if you wanna hone in on those winning moves, check out Chamba Casino. At chambacasino.com, choose from hundreds of social casino style games for your chance to redeem serious cash prizes. There are new game releases weekly plus free daily bonuses, so don't wait. Start having the most fun ever at chumbacasino.com.
[00:00:31] Unknown:
No purchase necessary. PGW, point where prohibited by loss. Terms and conditions, 18 plus. With Lucky Lancelot, you can get lucky just about anywhere. Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to has anyone seen the bride and groom?
[00:00:39] Unknown:
Sorry. Sorry. We're here. We were getting lucky in the limo, and we lost track of time.
[00:00:44] Unknown:
No. Lucky Lane Casino with cash prizes that add up quicker than a guest registry. In that case, I pronounce you lucky.
[00:00:52] Unknown:
Play for free at luckylandslots.com. Daily bonuses are waiting. No purchase necessary. Void where prohibited by law. 18 plus. Terms and conditions apply. See website for details.
[00:01:04] Unknown:
Cassella. Cassella. What's the matter? Yeah. But something terrible happened. My aunt May got all mixed up. She gave her dog her medicine and took the dog's medicine by mistake. That's awful. What effect does it have? Now the dog sits on Uncle Mike's lap, and aunt May is out chasing rabbits. Never mind your aunt May. How did you like that date I had fixed up for you last night? Wasn't she a lovely girl? Oh, lovely girl. Brother, was that Dame Knockney? Oh, she wasn't so Knockneyed. No. When we were walking down Hollywood Boulevard, 1 knee said to the other, I let you pass first the last time. Now give me a chance. When did you have a good time? Well, first, I took her to Sarah's for dinner. That cost $31. Then I bought a box of chocolates. That cost $4. Then I took her to the movies. That cost $2. Then I took her home, and she slammed the door right in my face. She did. That's gratitude for you after all the money she spent on me.
Priscilla, running around every night with a different girl is no good. Someday, you're gonna get in trouble. Not me, Abbot. When it comes to women, I'm smart. No woman has pinned anything on me since I was a baby. Pastor Bella, how could you be so stupid? Why don't you be more like me? Like you? Then who would tell the jokes? I mean, you should me use me for a model. I'm a model man. A model man? That's what started the last fight between my aunt May and uncle Mike. He got mad because aunt May called him a model man. Why did your uncle Mike get mad? He looked it up in the dictionary and found out that a model is a small imitation of the real thing. I got to know. They really had a fight. They fought tooth and nail. Tooth and nail? Yes. Aunt May, nail, uncle Mike, and a pussy knocked out his tooth. Alright. Alright. You're late again today. What's your excuse this time, Lou? I couldn't have it happen. When I got to Hollywood and find the traffic, it was all snarled up. Was there an accident? No. Some tour stopped for a red light.
I see you got another traffic ticket, Yep. Costello, that's six traffic tickets. You've got this week alone. How how do you count for that? Well, Sunday, I couldn't get the car out of the garage. Well, what is the ticket for this time? Double parking my car, and it's a $200 fine. It can't be. It's It's only $2 fine. Lots of people double park their cars. On top of other cars? I you went to your car in the midget race. Well, that wouldn't be fair. Why not? I wouldn't look a big guy like me racing against those little midgets. You know, your brother Pat borrowed my car Saturday.
There there's a really a fast car. Yeah. Pat, let me drive your car. I turned off the road and cut right from the farm. I was driving so fast that I went past the beans and going to look like sucker cash. How fast were you going? 80 miles a minute. You mean 80 miles an hour? I mean minute. That car of yours won't go an hour. You idiot. You had no right to drive my car through a pond. I had to have it. If I drive drive it down the road, I'd pass the junkyard. Every time I do that, the car would stop. Why? It gets poonks. Now look. That car is in great shape, Costella.
If you drove that car into a race, you'd go, you'd you'd go like thunder across the finish line. Thunder is right. Every time I stop the motor, the windows fall out of the house across the street. No. That's ridiculous. That car is in fine shape. Why haven't paid a dime on that car for repairs in ten months? Yeah. That's what the repairman told me. You said you were a dead thief? Here's your personal remarks to yourself. Tell your brother, Pat, that he ruined my car. When he brought it back, the engine was smoking. Well, it's old enough to smoke. What do you want it to do, sweetie, Rebecca?
Never mind that. I had some new tire covers in that car, and they're gone. Those tire covers were no good at it. I put them on a tire.
[00:04:21] Unknown:
That didn't
[00:04:22] Unknown:
last 10 miles. I tell you you are a nimbus, though. Oh, Boulder. Now you made me say a bad word. What? What are you talking about? Boulder's a dam. Is that a bad word? No, miss Thompson. See that my car is brought back to my house tonight. Oh, I don't think I could bring it back tonight, Abbot. This afternoon, I took it off for a ride, and a big truck tried to beat me to the intersection. What? Now wait a minute. Wait a minute. Don't tell me you ran my car into that truck? Mhmm. Oh, hell. Thank goodness for that. Truck ran into me. I ask who the owner of that truck. Who owns it? What does the what does the truck look like? Well, it was a big, bright red truck with a lot of brass on it. There was a long ladder on it, and there was six fishermen in it.
Fishermen? Six guys with rubber coats and hats. Brother, were they zooming along? I believe that was a fire truck, and they were firemen going to a fire. From now on, you stay away from my car and stay away from my house. You ain't got any house. That's where the fire was. This is terrible. You wrecked my car, then my house burns down. Oh, it's a lucky thing I still have some money in the bank. You ain't got any money in the bank either. What? While everybody was watching the fire at your house, the bank was robbed. Well, there goes everything but my wife's car. I got to tell you, Abbot, the guy that robbed the bank took your wife's car to make that getaway.
Well, this is awful. My car is wrecked. My my house is burned down. My money is my money has been stolen. The only thing I have left in the world is my darling little wife. That's the part I forgot to tell you about. The guys that love the bank kidnapped your wife and if you want it back, you have to pay them $20,000 ransom. Hey. Which one of you guys has bought out of it? I am. Well, I'm the guy that's shooting up your wife. Look, mister. I haven't got $20,000. You want your wife back, don't you? Oh, yes. I do. But I haven't got $20,000. Well, you have now. What do you mean? Listen. Me and my partners talked it over, and we're willing to pay you $20,000 to take a rope I had.
Don't do it, Abbott. What do you mean? Abbott, do you realize how bad these guys are stuck? They cut your wife. They'll pay more than $20,000 to get rid of that old turkey. Oh, let me handle this. Look, mister. Abbott is willing to take his wife back, but, it's gonna cost you $30,000. Oh, you drive a hard bargain, Fatso. Well, here's a 30,000. Hey, Charlie. Bring her in.
[00:06:58] Unknown:
Oh, nobody. My I just had the most exciting experience. These two charming boys have been driving me around all over town.
[00:07:06] Unknown:
Come on, Charlie, before this joint changes its mind. You're a sucker rabbit. We could have got 40,000. Quiet, Costello. Betty, darling. Do you realize who those two men were? They were bandits. They were bad men. Oh, I thought they were pretty good.
[00:07:22] Unknown:
Oh, the little one kissed
[00:07:30] Unknown:
me. Missus Abbott, how could a little short guy like that kiss a big, tall woman like you? I boosted him up on a chair. Oh. So what did I say? How dare you? Costello, how can you suggest that my wife would stoop that you're a bandit? She didn't stoop ever. She boosted him up on a chair. Oh,
[00:07:47] Unknown:
you insignificant
[00:07:48] Unknown:
imbecile. I'll Missus Abbott, missus Abbott, when you call me that, smile. Why? I'd like to hear the wind whistle through your teeth.
[00:08:00] Unknown:
Costello,
[00:08:01] Unknown:
I have beautiful teeth. Yes. One upper and one lower. They ought to get together someday for lunch. Now head that out, Costello. My wife has had a very tough day. Our house burned down. She was kidnapped kidnapped by bandits, and you're picking her up. Why? Why? Why do you continually insult my wife?
[00:08:20] Unknown:
Oh, I'm a bad boy.
[00:08:24] Unknown:
I'll say you are a bad boy, and it's all because you waste your time in school. I didn't waste my time in school, Abbott. We were so poor. We went to school without any shoes. And the kid that sat next to me, his father was a millionaire. I worked hard, and he didn't. I graduated and he failed and was expelled. I never saw him again until last week. Do you know what he is today? A bum, No. A millionaire. His father died and left him all that money.
[00:08:49] Unknown:
Castillo, I don't know what the future holds for you. Oh, baby. I can help him, bud. Here, Castillo, let me see your hand. I'll tell your future. Okay. My my my. What an interesting hand. Oh, this line tells me that you have six children. I ain't even married. You better get that line fixed. I gotta see. Oh, yes. This is your lifeline. Oh my. You'll live to be 28 years old. But I'm 33 now. Oh, how do you like that, buddy? He's been dead for five years and doesn't even know it.
[00:09:40] Unknown:
Well, yes. But you you certainly knocked the place up with him that time. You know how to handle him. Oh, you always mop up with him. You're the one that knows how to handle him. But I insist you mop up with him today. You know how to handle him. Ladies and gentlemen, you had just heard from a couple of old mop handles. Oh, good bye. My wife is a wonderful girl, Costello. She's a picture of hell. Did you notice her rosy red cheeks? Red cheeks are the sign of good health, Sargentine. Well, tonight, she was healthier on one side than she was on the other. Pardon me, gentlemen.
Which one of you is Costello? I am Lou Costello. The boys of the Legion have been listening to your program, Costello, and we have decided to make you a member of the Legion. Costello, do you realize what a none of this is? Then you accept, You will join the legion. Oh, sure. I'll be very, very happy to join the legion. Good. Be at this address in an hour, and we will make you members. Goodbye. Abbott, you ought to be proud of me. Take a minute. I'm gonna be a member of the legion. Someday, I may be head of the legion. I may even get to be a big politician. I can see myself now at the meeting at the Big 4. Me, Lana Turner, Hedy Lamarr, and Betty Grable. Wait a minute. What about Ethley, Riggle, and Stalin? Let them get their own girls.
Well, Castello, there's the Legion headquarters, officer of the captain. Let's go in. Costello, there's a great honor for you. Yes. Reminds you the time I went to Harvard. I was in a medical school. You went to Harvard Medical School? Yes. What were you studying? Nothing. They were studying me. Hard sense. Let's go into the legion office. I see you have kept your word. You have come to join the legion. Costello, I will now square you in. Place your left hand over your heart and repeat after me. After me. So Costello, the man wants you to repeat after him. I beg your pardon. After him.
No. No. No. Not after him. I want you to repeat after me. Okay. After me. Yeah. Tell me when he says he wants you to repeat after me. He means he wants you to repeat after him. Make up your mind. Do I repeat after you or after him? After him. After me. Why don't you two guys go out in the alley and fight it out? Never mind that. We'll dispense with the formalities. Albert and Costello, do you wish to join the Legion? We do. Good. You are now members of the Legion. Our boat leaves for Morocco tonight. I didn't know the American Legion was having a convention in Morocco. What's American Legion? You just joined the Foreign Legion. Get going. Well, now you've done it, Costello.
Joined the Foreign Legion. Here we are in this this rat infested ship. Look at that cutthroat crew. Look at the captain. He's standing on the bridge. Well, the captain is supposed to stay on the bridge. While it's still in the sailor's mouth? The worst thing on this ship is the food. Yes. It's pretty bad food, Abbott. Yes, sir. Today, I threw my lunch overboard, and the fish threw it back. Well, I hope the food will be better when we reach Faran Legion headquarters. I heard the food they eat there will make you as tough as nails. What do they eat? Nails. And the cheap kind, penny nails.
Here comes the captain. Hey, you two. I told you not to come upon death. If you disobey my orders again, I'll cut your ears off. I'll hang you from the main mast by your toes and stick this cool cue in your ear and play pigeons with your eyeball. And if that don't work, I'll torture you. Yeah. Well, I can look you with both hands tied to the rail. Well, why don't you do it? Alright. Let me tie your hands to the rail. That's so are you afraid of this guy? Nah. Then go ahead and find him. Suppose he does kill you. What's better than dying like a hero?
Living like a coward. Hello. You are lucky you didn't start anything with me, Costello. Why, I jam my fist in your mouth, char your teeth loose, and beat you to a jelly. Jam, jarred jelly. Heaven preserve us. I remember, I'll be keeping my eye on you. What was that? The ship must be going around the horn. Look. We're coming into shore. Ship on our ship. Come on, Costello. Come on, Costello. Nobody's watching us. Let's jump overboard and swim to talk. Quick. You jump first. Here I go. Costello, you just jumped into the water. How'd you get back on deck here again? Haven't. You ever back into a swordfish? Come on.
Tell him, no one saw us get off that ship now. You can only sneak across the desert. We may escape from the foreign legion. Abbot, I know the best way to escape. We'll take a boat and go up the Nylon River. You mean with what? The Nile River? Nile. And it's something that goes on a girl's leg. Well, you go your way and I'll go mine. Crossing the desert is dangerous, Lou. The heat may affect your mind. You may even see a mirage. I used to go steady with a mirage. Yeah, dummy. A mirage is something that you you can see, but you can't get your hands on. That's her.
She she she was crazy about me. She's crazy without she loved me. She come from a city in Turkey. I can't remember the name. Istanbul? No. Abbotus of truth.
[00:17:09] Unknown:
Oh, no. I said Istanbul.
[00:17:12] Unknown:
I said it's no bullets of truth. She was probably Turkish. Did she have an accent? No. But she talked through her nose, and she had a cold. Boy, could she keep up a running conversation? Where did you meet this girl? She was a dancer in a nightclub. Did the dance of the seven veils. Monday night, she would take off the first veil. Tuesday, she'd take off the second veil. Wednesday, the third veil. Thursday, the fourth veil. The place doing business. Sunday night, you couldn't get into the joint. People couldn't wait till she took off that seventh veil to see the beautiful, mean coat she wore under it. Oh, dawgden. It's Costello. There's no one around. Now we've gotta buy a camel and cross the desert. I'll ask this guy where we can buy a camel. Pardon me, sir. Could you tell us where we can buy a camel? Don't bother me, bud. I just escaped from the foreign legion. I went home. My wife ran away with my best friend. They took all my money and burned my house down. If that happened to me, I I would've cut my throat. Why do you think I'm whispering? Abbott, there's a place we're looking for. See that sign?
Honest, Hasson, used camel dealer. Come on.
[00:18:25] Unknown:
6 60 5, 9 6 60 6, 9 6 60 7.
[00:18:31] Unknown:
But nine hundred Damn it. He's cutting his money. 900668,
[00:18:36] Unknown:
9 6
[00:18:38] Unknown:
mister Hasson?
[00:18:39] Unknown:
What is it? What is it? What oh, you made me lose count. I gotta start over. +1, 234.
[00:18:47] Unknown:
I'll count that money later. We wanna buy a camel. Oh, customers. Oh, there's a bunch of dandy camels over there. Do you mind if I carry a couple of them? Why do you wanna carry a camel? Why not? Camels carried us for five years.
[00:19:07] Unknown:
Alright, boys. What kind of a camel do you want, Would you like, one hump or two? One hump with lemon, please.
[00:19:15] Unknown:
Mister Hassan, what is that camel over there? The one with the, six humps. Oh, that's our station wagon model.
[00:19:22] Unknown:
Well, we'll take him. We gotta get across the desert. Oh, if you're going across the desert, you'll need a guide. Oh, a guide. The shifting sands blood out the trail. My guide, Abdul, he's the greatest of the desert. Abdul can find a trail buried under tons of sand. Abdul can find his way through anything. Good. We'll hire Abdul now. Charlie, you can't have Abdul now. Why? He's lost.
[00:19:46] Unknown:
Come on, Castello. We've got to get out of here. We'll cross the desert alone. Abbott, we've been on this desert for five days. I can't stand it any longer. It's so hot. You go on without me. I'm only holding you back. My life is worthless anyway. We both can't make it. You have more to live for than I. Abbott, my beloved friend, go on without me. I'll stay here and die. No. No. Don't say it, Abbott. Don't say it. I I'm gonna stay here and die. Nothing you can say will make me change my mind. But, alright. You talk me into it. I'll go with you. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey.
What are you doing out here in the middle of the desert selling the Los Angeles papers? Boy, did they give me a lousy corner. Castella, we only had some towels put over our heads to protect us from the heat. Hey. Look. There are three beautiful girls coming to others. One is wearing a towel for a scarf. Grab it. Okay. I got it. The other one is wearing a towel for a turban. Okay. I got it. The other one is wearing okay. I got it. What's that? She was wearing a towel for a towel. I can tell her, this girl is beautiful. Look, she's wearing a veil over her face. See you're pretty. Why are you wearing that veil over your face? It's the customs of the country. Anything else you'd like to know? How do I get through the customs?
Castello. Castello, we did it. We've crossed the desert. Look. There's a boat. We're going back to America. We've escaped from the foreign legion. Come on. Well, Costello, we've been at sea for three days now. I wonder when we get home. I'll ask the captain. Hey, captain. When does this boat get to America? This boat is not going to America. We are taking prisoners to the foreign legion. That didn't happen. I'm diving overboard. Castella, you just jumped into the water. How'd you get back on deck? Did you ever back into a swordfish? You did that joke before. So what? I like the joke. I'll do it again. Did you ever Come on.
