In this lively episode, we dive into a comedic sketch featuring the iconic duo Abbott and Costello. The episode kicks off with a humorous misunderstanding about casino games, leading into a classic routine that showcases the duo's signature wordplay and quick wit. As Costello dreams of becoming a big league baseball player, he hilariously navigates through a series of misunderstandings with Abbott, who tries to coach him on the basics of baseball. Their banter is filled with clever puns and comedic timing, making for an entertaining listen.
The episode also features a cameo from Marilyn Maxwell, adding to the comedic chaos as Costello attempts to recruit her as a pitcher. The highlight of the episode is the famous "Who's on First?" routine, where Abbott and Costello engage in a rapid-fire exchange about baseball player names, leaving listeners in stitches. This episode is a delightful throwback to classic comedy, filled with laughs and timeless humor that showcases why Abbott and Costello remain beloved figures in entertainment history.
(00:30) Introduction to Chumba Casino
(01:02) Camel Show and Comedy Skit
(03:00) Lou Costello's Baseball Dreams
(06:00) The Niche in Life Debate
(15:00) Who's on First? Classic Routine
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[00:00:01]
Unknown:
Okay. Round two. Name something that's not boring.
[00:00:05] Unknown:
A laundry? Oh, a book club. Computer solitaire.
[00:00:12] Unknown:
Sorry. We were looking for Chumba Casino. Chumba. That's right. Chumbacasino.com has over a hundred casino style games. Join today and play for free for your chance to redeem some serious prizes. Chumbacasino.com.
[00:00:30] Unknown:
Hello. It is Ryan, and we could all use an extra bright spot in our day, couldn't we? Just to make up for things like sitting in traffic, doing the dishes, counting your steps, you know, all the mundane stuff. That is why I'm such a big fan of Chumba Casino. Chumba Casino has all your favorite social casino style games that you can play for free anytime, anywhere with daily bonuses. That should brighten your day, actually, a lot. So sign up now at ChumbaCasino.com. That's ChumbaCasino.com. No purchase necessary.
[00:01:01] Unknown:
DFW.
[00:01:03] Unknown:
Camel. Experience is the best teacher. Try a camel. Let your own experience tell you why more people are smoking camels than ever before. And draw up a chair for tonight's camo show starring Foot Abbott and Luke Costello.
[00:01:31] Unknown:
Pastello. Pastello. Come here. Pastello. Would you come over here, please? Will you listen to me? What are you writing on that pad? Hey, Emmett. What are you writing on that pad? I'm just making out a list of girls I'm gonna kiss next week. Here's who I got picked out. Lizzie Schwartz, Maggie Muggle Meyer, Tessa Tinfoil, Lana Turner. Now, wait a minute. Lana Turner wouldn't kiss you. Oh, no? Oh, no. Then I'll scratch her off my list. I love you. You dummy always thinking of girls. Girls, girls, girls. Now great men don't waste their time on girls. Where do you suppose Benjamin Franklin would have been if he'd have thought of girls all of the time? In the front row at Earl Carls? No. No. No. Pastel, I've been telling you for the past three weeks. You've gotta quit chasing girls and get yourself a job. Look at look how sloppy you are. Look at your socks. I can't help my socks have it. It's those new Hickok plastic cutters. What's the matter with them? Them? Your socks sucks. Hey. Yep. But your legs pulled out. Yeah.
I'm looking for Lou Costello. Tell me I'm looking for Lou Costello. Here, boy. I don't know any fatso. I'm looking for Lou Costello. Boy, he is Lou Costello. The famous Lou Costello. That's the one and only Lou Costello. That's me. Gee. I listen to you on a radio every Thursday night. You break me up when you say, how do you do? Wait a minute. Wait a minute. That ain't me. That's the mad Russian. You're saying? Who's gonna take this telegram? I'll take it. It's collect 14 thousand. Here, okay? Don't give it to me. Here, boy. Hey, Costello. This telegram is from Joe DiMaggio. Listen to this. Dear Lou, as you know, I am recovering from a foot operation. I would appreciate appreciate you taking my place appreciate you taking my place on New York Yankees until I recover. Please report to the Yankee Stadium immediately. Sign, Joe DiMaggio. Hey. That's one of those best of news I've been waiting for. I'm gonna be a big league ball player. Yes. DiMaggio probably heard about my playing with the Cuckamonga Wildcats last year. You have all played. I don't believe it, Costello. You know nothing about ball. Oh, no. I eat baseball. I live baseball. All night when I'm asleep, I dream about baseball. Don't you ever dream about girls? What? And miss my turn up at back? Oh.
What's the matter with you? Yes. And another thing, Abbot, what page are you on? Never mind. What page are you on? Okay. And another thing, Abbot, not only that, in Paterson, New Jersey, I worked out with a baseball team. I used to stay out till 04:00 in the morning. Why didn't you stay out till 04:00 in the morning? This was a girl's baseball team. Gastel, if you're gonna play with the New York Yankees, if you really have to know something about big league baseball, Lou. I know all about baseball. Alright. Suppose there's a left handed pitcher pitching. What do you do? I put in a right handed batter. Now suppose there's a right handed pitcher pitching. I put in a left handed batter. But now I trick you. I take out the right handed pitcher and put in a left handed pitcher, and I double cross you. I take out my left handed batter and put in a right handed batter. Now wait a minute. Where are you getting all those right handed batter? The same place where you're getting all those left handed pitchers.
[00:04:27] Unknown:
Hello, bud. Hello, Louis, honey. It's, it's Marilyn Mashles.
[00:04:38] Unknown:
Hello, Marilyn. I've got great news. I'm gonna play ball with the New York Yankees. I'm taking you along as a pitcher. Oh, now, Costello. Maryland Maxwell can't pitch. Oh, no. You should see all the guys she struck out that were trying to get the first base. This kid has got some nice curves. Alright.
[00:04:55] Unknown:
Oh, Louis. You're so sweet. But I do hope you'll be careful. You know, big league baseball is a very dangerous game. Oh, what's dangerous about baseball, Marilyn? Well, I read in a paper this morning that in the opening game in Boston, Five Players died on base.
[00:05:10] Unknown:
Maryland, you don't seem to know much about baseball. Let me show you how to play indoor baseball. First, I put my left arm around your waist. Then I snuggle my head on your shoulder like this. Then I press my cheek against your cheek. Oh, wait a minute, Costello. That's not the way to play indoor baseball. How do you like that? Every season, new rules. Well, goodbye and good luck, Louis. I just know you'll become famous for those New York Yankees. Marilyn's right, Gustavo. This is your chance to become famous. Now you've got a good job as a baseball player, and you might find your proper niche in life. Yes. I might. I mean, after all, if I find my what will I find? A niche. A niche. You'll find your niche. Habit. When I find a itch, I scratch No.
What in the world are you talking about? An itch. I once had the seven year itch. What happened? I scratched real fast and got rid of it in three and a half years. I'm not talking about that kind of an itch. I mean, an itch in life. An itch in life is what everyone is looking for. Anyone who is successful has found an itch. Paul, if that's the case, I know an air dealer that's doing very well. I have another itch. Listen to me, Costello. When I say a niche, I don't mean a niche like you have when you have an itch. I mean a niche like you have when you have a notch. Oh, you don't mean an itch like an itch when you have an itch. You mean an itch like you have when you have a notch. Now you've got it. Now I've got it. I don't even know what I'm talking about. Costello, why do you mash everything up like that? You're the most mixed up band I ever saw. Well, maybe it's because I fell on my mother's mix master this morning. She had it set for match the better. Oh, you're a warm mother. I know that. You're a idiot. All I'm trying to tell you is that a niche is a notch. Catch? Notch. Notch. Alright.
Now you know that a niche is a notch. You know that both of them are the same. Yeah. I could have a notch and you could have a niche. Yes. Knits to me and notch to you. I'm only trying to impress you that you bought the big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big draw like you draw when you draw. Oh, I mean draw like you draw when you draw a celery. Have it. Let me smell your bread. Mhmm. Just as I thought. You've drawn one too many already. No. No. That's not. Can you listen to me, please? When I say you draw a celery, I mean you draw money. No. He's got me drawing money. Wait till the FBI finds out about this. I'll probably draw twenty years in a clink, and they don't feed you any salary in there either.
When I say you draw money, I mean, you draw like you draw money to spend it. Not not like when you draw on an easel. That's what I always say. With money, it's easel come, easel go. Everybody draws money. I draw money. I've been drawing money for years. My brother draws money. He's been drawing money for years. You draw and your brother draws? Certainly. Just as I thought. You and your brother are an old pair of drawers. If you wanna be a big, league ball player, you've got to get yourself in shape now. From 8AM to 9AM, you lift weights. From nine to ten, deep knee bend. 10 to eleven, skip rope. 11 to 12, run five miles. Twelve's the one. I'll never make it. I love it. You idiot. You'll never be a ball player. Staying up late and going to nightclubs, eating rich food, running around with beautiful girls. Do you know what can happen to you? Yes. I can become manager of the Brooklyn Dodgers. I Oh. Touchdown on.
I don't even know why I'd imagine he'll pick you. You don't even know how to swing a bat. I know all about swinging bats. When I was a kid, my father used to hit me with a baseball bat. My brother used to hit me with a baseball bat. My uncle Artie Stibbins used to hit me with a baseball bat. And my mother used to hit me with a tennis racket. With a tennis racket? Yes. She didn't like baseball. Hiya, fellas. Well, well, it's Ginny Ernest. Hey, Costello. I heard about you taking, Joe DiMaggio's place for the New York Yankees. That's right. You know, I used to pitch for the Hollywood Stars. Boy, I'll never forget my last game. And for five men on base, no way. I didn't get it. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait you ever see the Hollywood Stars play?
And it's time seeing the Hollywood Stars and I don't remember you. Oh, I've changed a lot since then. Had the biggest butt teeth you ever saw. I was the only man on the team that could slide in the second base and spike you from either end. Well, it's not all that stuff. It's a clone skinny. Clone. Hey, you know that skinny would make an ugly skeleton. Alright. I'm sorry. Don't waste time with him. Now you've gotta get ready for the opening game. Yes. I think we're gonna play the Cleveland Indians. Cleveland Indians. Hey? Uh-huh. Feller pitching? Certainly, there's a fella pitching.
Who do you think they'd use? A girl? Oh, I hear. I know they don't use a girl. I said fella pitching. What fella? Feller with the Cleveland Indians. Look at it. There's nine guys on the Cleveland team. Now which feller are you talking about? Feller that pitches. There is only one feller with Cleveland. You mean nine Yankees are gonna play against one feller? That's right. You mean there's no fellas in the outfield? No. There's no fellas in the infield? No. Cleveland only has one fella. Well, this fella must be pretty good if if they don't he don't need any other players but himself. Look. All the players will be out there helping him. You just said there was only one fella on the team. That's right. Then where did all them other fellas come from? Oh, you idiot. When I say there's only one fella on the team, I mean, there is only one fella that pitches. Well, Abbott, when the manager of the team wants this pitcher, what does he call him? Feller. You mean he just follows a fella. And this guy knows that they mean him? That's right.
His name is Feller, Feller, Bob Feller. And when I say there is only one feller on the team that pitches, that's it. And the feller that pitches is Feller. There's only the other fellers on the team, but there's, only one feller. Boy, are you mixed up. Oh, you mean the feller that pitches is feller. And there's other fellers on the team, but they're not fellers? Now you've grasped it. Yes. I grasped it, but it keeps slipping out of my hands. Let's go into this sporting goods store and get your baseball equipment. I want you to look right for the opening game. Now go ahead and ask that lady there where they keep the baseball uniform. Pardon me, miss? Well, if it isn't mister Albert Hello? And mister Costello.
[00:11:01] Unknown:
Hello? You fought little man. You. What are you doing? You're a sporting good star, miss. Oh, I just soaked in to get a gift for my nephew. I'm buying him a vosball. A vosball?
[00:11:17] Unknown:
Abbot, do you know what a vosball is? That's what the poocher grows to the coocher, and the booter tries to boot a home run.
[00:11:30] Unknown:
My, my nephew is just a lotto troll, but his ambition is to be a Brooklyn Dozier, Carter.
[00:11:38] Unknown:
Well, if he's only a little guy, why don't he join the deep fruit Tookers and be a short stoop?
[00:11:48] Unknown:
Well, I must be going. As we say in Chinese, dish a gooey hot chewy, I'm push back to you.
[00:11:54] Unknown:
And a dish of gooey chop suey and a push to you too. Hey. Look at that. That is. That's it for sales for now. Oh, good morning, boys. As Johnny Weismuller said to Buster Crab, what dive did you come out of? Well, my friend and I are here to get some baseball equipment. I'd like to see a baseball uniform that would fit Costello. So would I. Look. As Adam said to Eve, fit ribbing me. However, I'll do the best I can. We'll start with the spiked shoe. What size do you wear? Eight. Let me see. I've only got one pair left, and they're size five. Maybe you can squeeze into them, Costello. Go ahead and try. Okay? What do you know? Open toed baseball shoes.
Now for the uniform. My, you're certainly a pudgy little rascal, aren't you? Aren't you overweight? I'm about one hundred and twenty pounds overweight, but I'm going back to my normal weight. That's normal. Sixty pounds overweight. Just tell me, you should really go on a diet. Yeah. Of course, you know what a diet is, don't you? Oh, sure. That's where you can eat all you want of everything you don't like. Young man, if you really wanna reduce, why don't you exercise with a couple of dumbbells? Okay. I'm ready whenever you and have it all. Alright. Cut that out. Okay. Now we've gotta get your baseball equipment. Mister, do you have any bats? Oh, certainly. Here's a fine bat, autographed by slaughter of the cardinal.
This bat was made for slaughter. Ain't you got one that was made for baseball? When he says slaughter, he means slaughter the baseball player. Slaughter the baseball player? With that bet, you could slaughter anybody. No. No, Costello. I'm talking about slaughter. Everybody knows slaughter. He knows slaughter. Well, maybe he knows slaughter, but I don't know. You idiot. Everybody knows slaughter the baseball player. Slaughter is the man's last name. What's his first name? He knows. Now there's the clever guy. He knows his first name. Oh, look. Look. Just forget about the bat. Look, mister. Do you have a baseball cap that will fit Costello's head? What size pencil sharpener does he wear? I am. I'm like, oh, oh, a baseball cap. Oh, yes. Here's a dandy. This is the kind fellow where? What fellow? The fellow with the Cleveland Indian. There's nine players with the Cleveland Indians. Which fellow are you talking about? Oh, young man. When I say fellow with the Cleveland Indians, I am only referring to one fellow, the fellow that pictures with the Cleveland Indian. When you say the fella with the Cleveland Indians, you're only referring to one fella, the fellow that pitches for the Cleveland Indians. Yeah. As Orville said to Wilbur, you're right.
How do you like that? Not at all our routines in sporting goods stores. Oh, forget about him, Custer. Hey. Wait a minute. I've got an idea. Missus Wetwash's late husband used to be a big league day ball player. Now he was a home run king in other words. Now maybe she'll give you one of his bats for good luck. Let's go over to her house and ask her. Oh, okay. I'll I'll go right over now. You're right, Abbot. As John Adams said to Henry Wadsworth Long, fella how do you like that? I forgot what John Adams said to Henry Wadsworth Long.
[00:14:59] Unknown:
Well, good morning, Mrs. Whitmore. Oh, hello, Mr. Edmonds. Oh, bye. You know you ought to muzzle that Saint Bernard dog. Oh, pardon me. It's Costello. Tell me, Costello, how are things in Gawker, moron?
[00:15:16] Unknown:
Mister Whitwarsh, I wish you hadn't have said that. I was just coming at it. Your face reminds me of a rose. Oh, really? An American Beauty rose? No. A rhinoceros. Yeah. Hey, sit up, Costello. Missus Whitwas, Costello's leaving for New York to join Joe DiMaggio's place. Take Joe's place. Isn't that wonderful? He's going to play with the Yanks. Oh, I can't believe. Yes? What do those big Yanks bond with a little jerk like this? Mrs. Whitwas, that was an insult. I'll have you know that beautiful women find me irresistible. I don't find you irresistible. And I don't find you beautiful.
Why, Carcilla, ask her for those baseball bats her husband left her. Okay. Missus Witwash, I understand when your husband was alive, he had a lot of old bats. That's a lie. He never went out with anybody but me. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. Missus Witwash, Costello means your husband's, baseball bats. Yes. Maybe he thought you might give him one of them. Yes. That's right, missus is what was. You see, I need a good bat. Oh, you need a good bat. I'll be glad to help you out. Can I have the bat right now? Right now. Well, Costello, I'm going to New York with you. You know, Bucky Harris, the Yanks manager, gave me a job as coach for as long as you're on the team. Look, Abbott, if you're the coach, you must know all the players. I certainly do. Well, you know, I mean, I never met the guys, so you'll have to tell me their names and then I'll know who's playing on the team. Oh, I'll I'll send you their names, but you know strange it may seem to give these ballplayers nowadays very peculiar names. Funny names. Strange names. Pet names like dizzy Dean and Spell it Daffy. Daffy Dean. I'm their French cousin. French. Goofy. Goofy Dean. Oh, I see. But let's see. We have on the bags. We have who's on first, what's on second. I don't know who's on third. That's what I wanna find out. I say who's on first, what's on second, I don't know who's on third. Are you the manager? Yes. You're gonna be the coach too? Yes. Do you know the fellow's name? I should. Well, then who's on first? Yes. Mean, the fellow's name? Who? The guy on first. Who? The guy playing first. Who is on first? I'm asking you who's on first. That's the man's name. That's whose When you pay off the first baseman every month, who gets the money? Every dollar of it. All I'm trying to find out is the fellow's name on first base. Who? The guy that gets the money. That's it. Who gets the money? Who does? Every dollar. Sometimes his wife comes down and collects it. Who's what? Yes.
What's wrong with that? Look, all I want to know is when you sign up the first baseman, how does he sign his name to the contract? The guy? Who? How does he sign his name? That's how he signs it. Who? Yes. All I'm trying to find out is what's the guy's name on first base? No. What is on second base? I'm not asking you who's on second. Who's on first? One base at a time. Well, don't change the plane. We're not changing nobody. I'm only asking you, who's the guy on First Base? That's right. Okay. All right. I mean, what's the guy's name on First Base? No, what is on Second? I'm not asking you who's on Second. Who's on First? I don't know. He's on Third. We're not talking about it. Now listen.
How did I get on Third Base? Why you mentioned his name? If I mentioned a third base whose name, who did I say is playing third? No. Who's playing first? What's on first? What's on second? I don't know. He's on third. There I go. I'm on third again. Would you stay on third base? Alright. I don't even know. Now who's playing third base? Why do you insist on putting who on third base? What am I putting on third? What is on second? You don't want who on second? Who is on first? I don't know. Third base. Look. You got outfield? Sure. Let a field his name. Why? I just thought I'd ask you. Well, I just thought I'd tell you. Now tell me who's playing left field. Who is playing? First. I'm not stay out of the infield.
I wanna know what's the guy's name in left field. Oh, what is on second? I'm not asking game. And the left field was named? Why? Because Oh, he's center field. He is field. Look. Look. Look. You got a pitcher on a team. Sure. The pitcher's name. Tomorrow. You don't wanna tell me today? I'm telling you that. Go ahead. Tomorrow. What time? What time what? What time tomorrow you're gonna tell me who's pitching? Now listen. Who is not pitching? I'll break your arm, you say. Who's on? Where's it? I wanna know what's the pitcher's name. Watch one second. I don't know. Not a catcher. Certainly. The catcher's name. Today. Today. Tomorrow's pitching. I have got it. All we got is a couple of days on the lead. Okay.
No. I'm a catcher too. No. They don't. I could be ahead of playing through some fancy catching tomorrow's pitching on my team and a heavy hitter gets up. Yes. Now the heavy hitter fronts the ball. When he puts the ball, meet me in a good catcher. I'm gonna throw the guy out of first base so I pick up the ball and throw it to who? Now that's the first thing you've said right. I don't even know what I'm talking about. I don't know. That's all you have to do. You should throw the ball at first base. Yes. Now who's got it? Naturally. Naturally. Naturally. Naturally. Do I pick up the ball and I throw it the next time? No. You don't. You throw the ball in the hole. The That's what I said. You're not saying I throw the ball to who?
Naturally. That's what I said. That's what I said. You asked me. I throw the ball to who? Naturally. Same as you. Same as you. You. I throw a ball to who? Whoever it is drops the ball and the guy runs the second. Yes. Who picks up the ball and throws it to what? What throws it to I don't know. I don't know. Throws it back to tomorrow. Triple play. Yes. Another guy gets up and it's a long fly ball to be caught. Why? I don't know. He's on third, and I don't give a darn. My wife. I said I don't give a darn. Oh, that's our short stop.
Okay. Round two. Name something that's not boring.
[00:00:05] Unknown:
A laundry? Oh, a book club. Computer solitaire.
[00:00:12] Unknown:
Sorry. We were looking for Chumba Casino. Chumba. That's right. Chumbacasino.com has over a hundred casino style games. Join today and play for free for your chance to redeem some serious prizes. Chumbacasino.com.
[00:00:30] Unknown:
Hello. It is Ryan, and we could all use an extra bright spot in our day, couldn't we? Just to make up for things like sitting in traffic, doing the dishes, counting your steps, you know, all the mundane stuff. That is why I'm such a big fan of Chumba Casino. Chumba Casino has all your favorite social casino style games that you can play for free anytime, anywhere with daily bonuses. That should brighten your day, actually, a lot. So sign up now at ChumbaCasino.com. That's ChumbaCasino.com. No purchase necessary.
[00:01:01] Unknown:
DFW.
[00:01:03] Unknown:
Camel. Experience is the best teacher. Try a camel. Let your own experience tell you why more people are smoking camels than ever before. And draw up a chair for tonight's camo show starring Foot Abbott and Luke Costello.
[00:01:31] Unknown:
Pastello. Pastello. Come here. Pastello. Would you come over here, please? Will you listen to me? What are you writing on that pad? Hey, Emmett. What are you writing on that pad? I'm just making out a list of girls I'm gonna kiss next week. Here's who I got picked out. Lizzie Schwartz, Maggie Muggle Meyer, Tessa Tinfoil, Lana Turner. Now, wait a minute. Lana Turner wouldn't kiss you. Oh, no? Oh, no. Then I'll scratch her off my list. I love you. You dummy always thinking of girls. Girls, girls, girls. Now great men don't waste their time on girls. Where do you suppose Benjamin Franklin would have been if he'd have thought of girls all of the time? In the front row at Earl Carls? No. No. No. Pastel, I've been telling you for the past three weeks. You've gotta quit chasing girls and get yourself a job. Look at look how sloppy you are. Look at your socks. I can't help my socks have it. It's those new Hickok plastic cutters. What's the matter with them? Them? Your socks sucks. Hey. Yep. But your legs pulled out. Yeah.
I'm looking for Lou Costello. Tell me I'm looking for Lou Costello. Here, boy. I don't know any fatso. I'm looking for Lou Costello. Boy, he is Lou Costello. The famous Lou Costello. That's the one and only Lou Costello. That's me. Gee. I listen to you on a radio every Thursday night. You break me up when you say, how do you do? Wait a minute. Wait a minute. That ain't me. That's the mad Russian. You're saying? Who's gonna take this telegram? I'll take it. It's collect 14 thousand. Here, okay? Don't give it to me. Here, boy. Hey, Costello. This telegram is from Joe DiMaggio. Listen to this. Dear Lou, as you know, I am recovering from a foot operation. I would appreciate appreciate you taking my place appreciate you taking my place on New York Yankees until I recover. Please report to the Yankee Stadium immediately. Sign, Joe DiMaggio. Hey. That's one of those best of news I've been waiting for. I'm gonna be a big league ball player. Yes. DiMaggio probably heard about my playing with the Cuckamonga Wildcats last year. You have all played. I don't believe it, Costello. You know nothing about ball. Oh, no. I eat baseball. I live baseball. All night when I'm asleep, I dream about baseball. Don't you ever dream about girls? What? And miss my turn up at back? Oh.
What's the matter with you? Yes. And another thing, Abbot, what page are you on? Never mind. What page are you on? Okay. And another thing, Abbot, not only that, in Paterson, New Jersey, I worked out with a baseball team. I used to stay out till 04:00 in the morning. Why didn't you stay out till 04:00 in the morning? This was a girl's baseball team. Gastel, if you're gonna play with the New York Yankees, if you really have to know something about big league baseball, Lou. I know all about baseball. Alright. Suppose there's a left handed pitcher pitching. What do you do? I put in a right handed batter. Now suppose there's a right handed pitcher pitching. I put in a left handed batter. But now I trick you. I take out the right handed pitcher and put in a left handed pitcher, and I double cross you. I take out my left handed batter and put in a right handed batter. Now wait a minute. Where are you getting all those right handed batter? The same place where you're getting all those left handed pitchers.
[00:04:27] Unknown:
Hello, bud. Hello, Louis, honey. It's, it's Marilyn Mashles.
[00:04:38] Unknown:
Hello, Marilyn. I've got great news. I'm gonna play ball with the New York Yankees. I'm taking you along as a pitcher. Oh, now, Costello. Maryland Maxwell can't pitch. Oh, no. You should see all the guys she struck out that were trying to get the first base. This kid has got some nice curves. Alright.
[00:04:55] Unknown:
Oh, Louis. You're so sweet. But I do hope you'll be careful. You know, big league baseball is a very dangerous game. Oh, what's dangerous about baseball, Marilyn? Well, I read in a paper this morning that in the opening game in Boston, Five Players died on base.
[00:05:10] Unknown:
Maryland, you don't seem to know much about baseball. Let me show you how to play indoor baseball. First, I put my left arm around your waist. Then I snuggle my head on your shoulder like this. Then I press my cheek against your cheek. Oh, wait a minute, Costello. That's not the way to play indoor baseball. How do you like that? Every season, new rules. Well, goodbye and good luck, Louis. I just know you'll become famous for those New York Yankees. Marilyn's right, Gustavo. This is your chance to become famous. Now you've got a good job as a baseball player, and you might find your proper niche in life. Yes. I might. I mean, after all, if I find my what will I find? A niche. A niche. You'll find your niche. Habit. When I find a itch, I scratch No.
What in the world are you talking about? An itch. I once had the seven year itch. What happened? I scratched real fast and got rid of it in three and a half years. I'm not talking about that kind of an itch. I mean, an itch in life. An itch in life is what everyone is looking for. Anyone who is successful has found an itch. Paul, if that's the case, I know an air dealer that's doing very well. I have another itch. Listen to me, Costello. When I say a niche, I don't mean a niche like you have when you have an itch. I mean a niche like you have when you have a notch. Oh, you don't mean an itch like an itch when you have an itch. You mean an itch like you have when you have a notch. Now you've got it. Now I've got it. I don't even know what I'm talking about. Costello, why do you mash everything up like that? You're the most mixed up band I ever saw. Well, maybe it's because I fell on my mother's mix master this morning. She had it set for match the better. Oh, you're a warm mother. I know that. You're a idiot. All I'm trying to tell you is that a niche is a notch. Catch? Notch. Notch. Alright.
Now you know that a niche is a notch. You know that both of them are the same. Yeah. I could have a notch and you could have a niche. Yes. Knits to me and notch to you. I'm only trying to impress you that you bought the big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big draw like you draw when you draw. Oh, I mean draw like you draw when you draw a celery. Have it. Let me smell your bread. Mhmm. Just as I thought. You've drawn one too many already. No. No. That's not. Can you listen to me, please? When I say you draw a celery, I mean you draw money. No. He's got me drawing money. Wait till the FBI finds out about this. I'll probably draw twenty years in a clink, and they don't feed you any salary in there either.
When I say you draw money, I mean, you draw like you draw money to spend it. Not not like when you draw on an easel. That's what I always say. With money, it's easel come, easel go. Everybody draws money. I draw money. I've been drawing money for years. My brother draws money. He's been drawing money for years. You draw and your brother draws? Certainly. Just as I thought. You and your brother are an old pair of drawers. If you wanna be a big, league ball player, you've got to get yourself in shape now. From 8AM to 9AM, you lift weights. From nine to ten, deep knee bend. 10 to eleven, skip rope. 11 to 12, run five miles. Twelve's the one. I'll never make it. I love it. You idiot. You'll never be a ball player. Staying up late and going to nightclubs, eating rich food, running around with beautiful girls. Do you know what can happen to you? Yes. I can become manager of the Brooklyn Dodgers. I Oh. Touchdown on.
I don't even know why I'd imagine he'll pick you. You don't even know how to swing a bat. I know all about swinging bats. When I was a kid, my father used to hit me with a baseball bat. My brother used to hit me with a baseball bat. My uncle Artie Stibbins used to hit me with a baseball bat. And my mother used to hit me with a tennis racket. With a tennis racket? Yes. She didn't like baseball. Hiya, fellas. Well, well, it's Ginny Ernest. Hey, Costello. I heard about you taking, Joe DiMaggio's place for the New York Yankees. That's right. You know, I used to pitch for the Hollywood Stars. Boy, I'll never forget my last game. And for five men on base, no way. I didn't get it. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait you ever see the Hollywood Stars play?
And it's time seeing the Hollywood Stars and I don't remember you. Oh, I've changed a lot since then. Had the biggest butt teeth you ever saw. I was the only man on the team that could slide in the second base and spike you from either end. Well, it's not all that stuff. It's a clone skinny. Clone. Hey, you know that skinny would make an ugly skeleton. Alright. I'm sorry. Don't waste time with him. Now you've gotta get ready for the opening game. Yes. I think we're gonna play the Cleveland Indians. Cleveland Indians. Hey? Uh-huh. Feller pitching? Certainly, there's a fella pitching.
Who do you think they'd use? A girl? Oh, I hear. I know they don't use a girl. I said fella pitching. What fella? Feller with the Cleveland Indians. Look at it. There's nine guys on the Cleveland team. Now which feller are you talking about? Feller that pitches. There is only one feller with Cleveland. You mean nine Yankees are gonna play against one feller? That's right. You mean there's no fellas in the outfield? No. There's no fellas in the infield? No. Cleveland only has one fella. Well, this fella must be pretty good if if they don't he don't need any other players but himself. Look. All the players will be out there helping him. You just said there was only one fella on the team. That's right. Then where did all them other fellas come from? Oh, you idiot. When I say there's only one fella on the team, I mean, there is only one fella that pitches. Well, Abbott, when the manager of the team wants this pitcher, what does he call him? Feller. You mean he just follows a fella. And this guy knows that they mean him? That's right.
His name is Feller, Feller, Bob Feller. And when I say there is only one feller on the team that pitches, that's it. And the feller that pitches is Feller. There's only the other fellers on the team, but there's, only one feller. Boy, are you mixed up. Oh, you mean the feller that pitches is feller. And there's other fellers on the team, but they're not fellers? Now you've grasped it. Yes. I grasped it, but it keeps slipping out of my hands. Let's go into this sporting goods store and get your baseball equipment. I want you to look right for the opening game. Now go ahead and ask that lady there where they keep the baseball uniform. Pardon me, miss? Well, if it isn't mister Albert Hello? And mister Costello.
[00:11:01] Unknown:
Hello? You fought little man. You. What are you doing? You're a sporting good star, miss. Oh, I just soaked in to get a gift for my nephew. I'm buying him a vosball. A vosball?
[00:11:17] Unknown:
Abbot, do you know what a vosball is? That's what the poocher grows to the coocher, and the booter tries to boot a home run.
[00:11:30] Unknown:
My, my nephew is just a lotto troll, but his ambition is to be a Brooklyn Dozier, Carter.
[00:11:38] Unknown:
Well, if he's only a little guy, why don't he join the deep fruit Tookers and be a short stoop?
[00:11:48] Unknown:
Well, I must be going. As we say in Chinese, dish a gooey hot chewy, I'm push back to you.
[00:11:54] Unknown:
And a dish of gooey chop suey and a push to you too. Hey. Look at that. That is. That's it for sales for now. Oh, good morning, boys. As Johnny Weismuller said to Buster Crab, what dive did you come out of? Well, my friend and I are here to get some baseball equipment. I'd like to see a baseball uniform that would fit Costello. So would I. Look. As Adam said to Eve, fit ribbing me. However, I'll do the best I can. We'll start with the spiked shoe. What size do you wear? Eight. Let me see. I've only got one pair left, and they're size five. Maybe you can squeeze into them, Costello. Go ahead and try. Okay? What do you know? Open toed baseball shoes.
Now for the uniform. My, you're certainly a pudgy little rascal, aren't you? Aren't you overweight? I'm about one hundred and twenty pounds overweight, but I'm going back to my normal weight. That's normal. Sixty pounds overweight. Just tell me, you should really go on a diet. Yeah. Of course, you know what a diet is, don't you? Oh, sure. That's where you can eat all you want of everything you don't like. Young man, if you really wanna reduce, why don't you exercise with a couple of dumbbells? Okay. I'm ready whenever you and have it all. Alright. Cut that out. Okay. Now we've gotta get your baseball equipment. Mister, do you have any bats? Oh, certainly. Here's a fine bat, autographed by slaughter of the cardinal.
This bat was made for slaughter. Ain't you got one that was made for baseball? When he says slaughter, he means slaughter the baseball player. Slaughter the baseball player? With that bet, you could slaughter anybody. No. No, Costello. I'm talking about slaughter. Everybody knows slaughter. He knows slaughter. Well, maybe he knows slaughter, but I don't know. You idiot. Everybody knows slaughter the baseball player. Slaughter is the man's last name. What's his first name? He knows. Now there's the clever guy. He knows his first name. Oh, look. Look. Just forget about the bat. Look, mister. Do you have a baseball cap that will fit Costello's head? What size pencil sharpener does he wear? I am. I'm like, oh, oh, a baseball cap. Oh, yes. Here's a dandy. This is the kind fellow where? What fellow? The fellow with the Cleveland Indian. There's nine players with the Cleveland Indians. Which fellow are you talking about? Oh, young man. When I say fellow with the Cleveland Indians, I am only referring to one fellow, the fellow that pictures with the Cleveland Indian. When you say the fella with the Cleveland Indians, you're only referring to one fella, the fellow that pitches for the Cleveland Indians. Yeah. As Orville said to Wilbur, you're right.
How do you like that? Not at all our routines in sporting goods stores. Oh, forget about him, Custer. Hey. Wait a minute. I've got an idea. Missus Wetwash's late husband used to be a big league day ball player. Now he was a home run king in other words. Now maybe she'll give you one of his bats for good luck. Let's go over to her house and ask her. Oh, okay. I'll I'll go right over now. You're right, Abbot. As John Adams said to Henry Wadsworth Long, fella how do you like that? I forgot what John Adams said to Henry Wadsworth Long.
[00:14:59] Unknown:
Well, good morning, Mrs. Whitmore. Oh, hello, Mr. Edmonds. Oh, bye. You know you ought to muzzle that Saint Bernard dog. Oh, pardon me. It's Costello. Tell me, Costello, how are things in Gawker, moron?
[00:15:16] Unknown:
Mister Whitwarsh, I wish you hadn't have said that. I was just coming at it. Your face reminds me of a rose. Oh, really? An American Beauty rose? No. A rhinoceros. Yeah. Hey, sit up, Costello. Missus Whitwas, Costello's leaving for New York to join Joe DiMaggio's place. Take Joe's place. Isn't that wonderful? He's going to play with the Yanks. Oh, I can't believe. Yes? What do those big Yanks bond with a little jerk like this? Mrs. Whitwas, that was an insult. I'll have you know that beautiful women find me irresistible. I don't find you irresistible. And I don't find you beautiful.
Why, Carcilla, ask her for those baseball bats her husband left her. Okay. Missus Witwash, I understand when your husband was alive, he had a lot of old bats. That's a lie. He never went out with anybody but me. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. Missus Witwash, Costello means your husband's, baseball bats. Yes. Maybe he thought you might give him one of them. Yes. That's right, missus is what was. You see, I need a good bat. Oh, you need a good bat. I'll be glad to help you out. Can I have the bat right now? Right now. Well, Costello, I'm going to New York with you. You know, Bucky Harris, the Yanks manager, gave me a job as coach for as long as you're on the team. Look, Abbott, if you're the coach, you must know all the players. I certainly do. Well, you know, I mean, I never met the guys, so you'll have to tell me their names and then I'll know who's playing on the team. Oh, I'll I'll send you their names, but you know strange it may seem to give these ballplayers nowadays very peculiar names. Funny names. Strange names. Pet names like dizzy Dean and Spell it Daffy. Daffy Dean. I'm their French cousin. French. Goofy. Goofy Dean. Oh, I see. But let's see. We have on the bags. We have who's on first, what's on second. I don't know who's on third. That's what I wanna find out. I say who's on first, what's on second, I don't know who's on third. Are you the manager? Yes. You're gonna be the coach too? Yes. Do you know the fellow's name? I should. Well, then who's on first? Yes. Mean, the fellow's name? Who? The guy on first. Who? The guy playing first. Who is on first? I'm asking you who's on first. That's the man's name. That's whose When you pay off the first baseman every month, who gets the money? Every dollar of it. All I'm trying to find out is the fellow's name on first base. Who? The guy that gets the money. That's it. Who gets the money? Who does? Every dollar. Sometimes his wife comes down and collects it. Who's what? Yes.
What's wrong with that? Look, all I want to know is when you sign up the first baseman, how does he sign his name to the contract? The guy? Who? How does he sign his name? That's how he signs it. Who? Yes. All I'm trying to find out is what's the guy's name on first base? No. What is on second base? I'm not asking you who's on second. Who's on first? One base at a time. Well, don't change the plane. We're not changing nobody. I'm only asking you, who's the guy on First Base? That's right. Okay. All right. I mean, what's the guy's name on First Base? No, what is on Second? I'm not asking you who's on Second. Who's on First? I don't know. He's on Third. We're not talking about it. Now listen.
How did I get on Third Base? Why you mentioned his name? If I mentioned a third base whose name, who did I say is playing third? No. Who's playing first? What's on first? What's on second? I don't know. He's on third. There I go. I'm on third again. Would you stay on third base? Alright. I don't even know. Now who's playing third base? Why do you insist on putting who on third base? What am I putting on third? What is on second? You don't want who on second? Who is on first? I don't know. Third base. Look. You got outfield? Sure. Let a field his name. Why? I just thought I'd ask you. Well, I just thought I'd tell you. Now tell me who's playing left field. Who is playing? First. I'm not stay out of the infield.
I wanna know what's the guy's name in left field. Oh, what is on second? I'm not asking game. And the left field was named? Why? Because Oh, he's center field. He is field. Look. Look. Look. You got a pitcher on a team. Sure. The pitcher's name. Tomorrow. You don't wanna tell me today? I'm telling you that. Go ahead. Tomorrow. What time? What time what? What time tomorrow you're gonna tell me who's pitching? Now listen. Who is not pitching? I'll break your arm, you say. Who's on? Where's it? I wanna know what's the pitcher's name. Watch one second. I don't know. Not a catcher. Certainly. The catcher's name. Today. Today. Tomorrow's pitching. I have got it. All we got is a couple of days on the lead. Okay.
No. I'm a catcher too. No. They don't. I could be ahead of playing through some fancy catching tomorrow's pitching on my team and a heavy hitter gets up. Yes. Now the heavy hitter fronts the ball. When he puts the ball, meet me in a good catcher. I'm gonna throw the guy out of first base so I pick up the ball and throw it to who? Now that's the first thing you've said right. I don't even know what I'm talking about. I don't know. That's all you have to do. You should throw the ball at first base. Yes. Now who's got it? Naturally. Naturally. Naturally. Naturally. Do I pick up the ball and I throw it the next time? No. You don't. You throw the ball in the hole. The That's what I said. You're not saying I throw the ball to who?
Naturally. That's what I said. That's what I said. You asked me. I throw the ball to who? Naturally. Same as you. Same as you. You. I throw a ball to who? Whoever it is drops the ball and the guy runs the second. Yes. Who picks up the ball and throws it to what? What throws it to I don't know. I don't know. Throws it back to tomorrow. Triple play. Yes. Another guy gets up and it's a long fly ball to be caught. Why? I don't know. He's on third, and I don't give a darn. My wife. I said I don't give a darn. Oh, that's our short stop.
