In this lively episode, we dive into a comedic exchange filled with witty banter and humorous misunderstandings. The conversation kicks off with a playful game of guessing, leading to a series of amusing anecdotes about luck and unexpected encounters. The hosts, Abbott and Costello, engage in a hilarious dialogue about tattoos, romance, and the peculiarities of relationships, showcasing their signature comedic style.
As the episode unfolds, the duo finds themselves at the beach, where they encounter a variety of quirky characters and situations. From discussing the intricacies of swimming attire to humorous interactions with lifeguards and beachgoers, the episode is a delightful mix of slapstick humor and clever wordplay. The comedic timing and chemistry between Abbott and Costello make for an entertaining listen, filled with laughter and classic comedic moments.
(00:00) Opening Game Show Parody
(01:30) Costello's Tattoo and Tessie Tinfoil
(05:02) Marriage and Romance Jokes
(09:05) Beach Day Shenanigans
(16:01) Dream Analysis with Professor Melonhead
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[00:00:01]
Unknown:
Okay. Round two. Name something that's not boring.
[00:00:05] Unknown:
A laundry? Oh, a book club. Computer solitaire.
[00:00:12] Unknown:
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[00:00:31] Unknown:
Luckyland Casino asking people what's the weirdest place you've gotten lucky. Lucky? In line of the deli, I guess? In my dentist's office. More than once, actually. Do I have to say? Yes. You do. In the car before my kids' PTA meeting. Really? Yes. Excuse Excuse me. What's the weirdest place you've gotten lucky? I never win in town. Well, there you have it. You could get lucky anywhere playing at luckylandslots.com. Play for free right now. Are you feeling lucky? No purchase necessary. Void record written by law. 18 plus terms and conditions plus c website for details.
[00:01:30] Unknown:
And I'm sure that they won't
[00:01:37] Unknown:
get one.
[00:01:44] Unknown:
And when they see y'all together, I'll brush the dream from my heart.
[00:02:14] Unknown:
It mustn't
[00:02:43] Unknown:
that you happen to me.
[00:03:16] Unknown:
There you are, Costello. I've been looking all over you all week. I telephoned your house Tuesday night, and somebody answered and said you were taking a bath. You know, I'm lost already. Right at the beginning. Somebody never mind. This is no this is no kidding. Somebody deliberately told me that you were taking a bath. Somebody told said that I was taking a bath? I call up Tuesday night. Tuesday night? Yes. Brother, did you have the wrong number? Well, look. My wife said she saw you in a tattoo parlor on Main Street. Morning. What were you doing in a tattoo parlor? Well, I got lost with my girlfriend, Tessie Tinfoil. Yes. You know, the one that's in the army? Yeah. So I had a picture tattooed on my back. You had Tessie's picture tattooed on your back? Oh, yeah. Sure. And I had me tattooed on my chest. Look. See it? Wait a minute, Costello. I don't see you on your chest. Am I back there with Tessie again?
Talk says, Costello. I understand that Tessie is going to get out of the army next week. Oh, that's right, Abbott. And she's going back to her old job posing for a designer. He uses Tessie's knees for models. He uses Tessie's knees for models? The what what does he design? Doorknobs. Doorknobs. Wait a minute. Costella. Costella, just a minute. Turn around. Let me see that picture of Tessie on your back. Go ahead. Turn around. Uh-huh. I thought so. She's not kneed. Tessie is not kneed. Well, her knees are touching. She just stands that way because she hasn't got any garden. I, look, Castellum, you're Castell, if you're so crazy about Tessie, why don't you marry her? Well, I I I don't believe in marriage, Abbot. Marriage is like soup. Marriage is like soup? Sure. By the time you get through spooning, it cools off.
That's ridiculous. Well, always have it. You know, I I I don't know if Tessie wants to marry me or not. You see, she's also in love with nine other guys. Tessie is in love with you and nine other guys? Yeah. You should have been there the day Tessie left for the army. What do you mean? It was beautiful. The 10 of us chipped in and bought her an engagement ring. Wait a minute. I understand you had a little spat with Tessie before she left. Well, what was it about? She got mad at me because I stole a kiss. Oh, now that's silly. Why should Tessie get mad because you stole a kiss? I stole it from her sister. I and you know something? That's the first girl I kissed since I let since last Christmas. Oh, Costello. You mean that from last Christmas till now, you've kissed just one girl? How do you count for that? Oh, I guess I'm just awoke.
[00:05:39] Unknown:
I can't control myself. I can see that. I'm a cat. I'm lower than a cat. I'm a old Studebaker
[00:05:47] Unknown:
with no fog light. Alright. Okay. Let's cut that out, Costello. The trouble with you is that you wear your heart on your sleeve. That's a lie. I might I might have a little liver and onions on my vest and a smudge of tapioca on my trousers, but I ain't got no heart on my sleeve. No. No, Costello. I only meant that you are fickle. I'm what? You're fickle. Fickle. I never touched that stuff. I've never been pickled in my life. Now look. I'm not referring to drinking. I'm referring to love. Do you know what love is? Oh, sure. Little pigeons make love. Butterflies make love. Yes. Oysters make love. Yeah. No. Wait a minute. Oysters make love. You'd be surprised what goes on inside them, Joe. No. No. Costello, you don't appreciate romance.
You know, you don't. Really, Lou. You don't you don't appreciate romance at all. When I was calling my wife, there was a big grandfather's clock in the living room. Louise would sit and listen to it. And it said, take your time. Take your time. Take your time. Yes, but things are different now, Abbot. Today, when a fellow is going to follow with his girl, there's an alarm clock on the mantle that says, get together, get together, get together, get together. I'll never forget that old grandfather's car. It's a great memory, though, Lou. That old grandfather's clock, the day we were married, it stopped.
Stop. Yep. Your wife must have looked at it. I guess, you wait a minute. Are you insinuating that my wife's taste would stop a clock? Well, ain't running, is it? Forget about the clock, Costello. What happened to your romance with that tall red headed girl? Oh, you mean lean against her? Yes. Oh, well, we're married and happy. Married and happy? Yeah. She's married, and I'm happy. I'm glad she married somebody else. The only reason you wanted to marry her was for her money. Well, marrying for money is better than getting married for no reason at all. Pastor, when I married my wife, everyone said it was a perfect match. Match is right. She struck you, and you went out like a light.
Well, at least I'm not henpeck. Henpeck? Before you were married, you used to snow in your sleep. Now you're tackled. No. No. No. That's not true. Before I was married, everything was lovely. I hide sneaking to the parlor and I'd catch her in my arm. Now you sneak into the bedroom and catch her in your pocket. I oh, forget about my marriage, Costello. I'd like to get you straightened out. Now Tessie Tinfoil is not the girl. Tessie is, two, blase. What? Blase. Tessie's too blase. Blase. She's got more than two blase. Tessie got a red blase and a green blase. And she's got a yellow blase.
She wears them with her her checkered shirte skirte under the co That's right. How do you like that? And she promised to me that she'd stay on the wagon. Listen, give me please. When I say a girl's lousy, I'm not referring to her clothes. Anyone who is lousy is sophisticated, and sophisticated has nothing to do with being inebriated. It merely means that a person has reached the degree of sophistication where he or she becomes blase. Oh, when you say a girl's blase, you're not referring to her clothes. And anyone who is blase is sophisticated. And sophisticated has nothing to do with being inebriated. It merely means that a person has reached the degree of sophistication where he or she becomes blase. Now you've got it. Now I I don't even know what I'm talking about. Get them out of here. Hey, Glassella. Hey. Wouldn't this be us any day to go to the beach? Oh, yes. If we had a telephone call, we could call up some girls if we had a nickel and if we know any girls. There you go again, girls, girls, girls. Can't you think of anything better than girls? There's something better.
Oh, look, Costello. Hey. There's Connie Haines. Why don't you ask her? She'd like to go to the beach. Okay. Oh, Connie. Honey. Hey, Connie. How would you like to go to the beach with me, Well, miss Costello, honey, I don't know if I should. I suppose you all wanna teach me how to swim? Oh, nothing like that. Well, you all won't try to hold my hand? Oh, you know me better than that, honey. And you won't hug me a kid? Oh, jeez, Willikers. No. I mean, after all, I I I I I I
[00:09:48] Unknown:
I promise I won't. Then what are we going for?
[00:09:52] Unknown:
Then what are we going for?
[00:09:55] Unknown:
We're going for
[00:09:58] Unknown:
How's it going, mister Costello? Honey,
[00:10:02] Unknown:
I'll ride home. Well, Costello, he's get murdered me. I'll wait a minute. You certainly got turned down fast by Connie. Well, maybe she sure because I broke a date with her Saturday night. I was supposed to meet her at 07:00. What happened? I waited around till eleven. She didn't come, so I just threw her up. That's all. I wish Connie would go to the beach with us because she's she's got the cutest bathing suit. What's it like? Made a few pieces of string held together by a handkerchief. Well, it's too bad Connie's not going. Come on. Get your trunks, Cattell, and let's go to the beach. My trunks? Yes. Why should I take my trunks? I don't wanna move. I just wanna go swimming. Well, you're swimming trunks, don't you? I do not. I swim in the water just like anybody else. Never mind. I'll rent you a swimming suit. Would you wear a rented suit? That depends where it's rented. And the size of the rent. No. No. Come on, trust me. Let's get started.
I'll get some lotion to rub on you so you won't have sunburn. Oh, you don't have to worry about me, Abbot. I never burn. I just take a nice, healthy, even blister. Well, come on, Catzilla. There's nobody around, so get into your suit. Isn't the beach beautiful? Just look at the birds flying over the water. Oh, I wrote a poem about them birds. I'll recite it. Go ahead. A wonderful bird is the seagull, which can fly quite as high as an eagle. They sit on a stand, and sometimes they stand. But you can't tell a he from a she go.
[00:11:26] Unknown:
Hey. Hey, Costello. Here comes a cop. Hey, you guys. It's a private beach. You can't swim here. It's against the law. Why don't you tell me before I got undressed? Well, there's no law against undressing.
[00:11:38] Unknown:
Look. Let's go let's go over beyond those ropes, Costello. That's the public beach. Look at that beautiful redhead. I'm going to let her teach her to swim. Suppose she knows how to swim. Then I'll let her teach me. Hey, Annie. Give me my payer the shovel. Right here is the spot where I covered Ruby Poole you up with the sand last Sunday. Well, what do you want your shovel for now? Well, I figured it's about time to take her up. I love, Costello. Hey. Look at that fat lady in that rubber bathing suit. Oh, them rubber bathing suits. They're made for fat ladies. They got a five way stretch. Five way stretch? Yeah. Up and down, back and forth, and a shelf to take care of the surplus. I hey, Casilla.
Look at the man over there feeding donuts to his horse. Can you imagine that? Hey. You missed it. What's the idea of giving all them donuts to your horse? I just wanted to see how many you'll eat before he asks for a cup of coffee. Hey. What are you doing on the beach with that horse? You see, I came down here to go swim to go swim Go swim. Swimming? No. Fishing. Did you, catch anything? No. Do you see my wife was with me, and the fish took one look at her. When they saw how badly I was hooked, they wouldn't buy the stall. Alright. Alright.
Yeah. Never mind him, Gustava. Why don't you go into the water? You've always bragged to me that you were such a great lifesaver, and I don't am a great lifesaver, Abbott, and I'll prove it to you. I can save anybody, anybody at all. Anybody want to be saved? Anybody at all want to be saved?
[00:13:15] Unknown:
No. No. No. No.
[00:13:19] Unknown:
No. No. No. No.
[00:13:22] Unknown:
No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No
[00:13:26] Unknown:
Never mind. The lifeguard got everything. Lucky deal done. Now look, Castello, when you go into the water, stay close to the lifeguard. Stay close to what? The buoy. Stay close to the buoy. That's the safest thing. Stay close to the buoy. That may be the safest thing, but if you wanna have some fun, you gotta stay close to the girl. CUSTOMER. Girls have nothing to do with this kind of a boy. The kind of a boy, I mean, will keep you up. What do you know? What is the boy's name? The boy has no name. Just a plain red and white boy. Tell me this boy is anchored to a sandbar and it it has a bell. What is that fella boy doing in the bar? Nothing. The boy is not in the bar. The boy is on the bar. He probably crawled up there to steal some pretzels. No. No. No. You win for still? That boy is on the bar to keep people from going on the rock. So he finally learned his lesson. Why didn't this mother keep mother that far? This boy hasn't got a mother. Hasn't got a mother. No. That did it. What do you mean? Abduct you have gone too far. I didn't mind when you said that the girls will have nothing to do with this poor boy, and I was only mildly surprised when you told me that he was half bred and half white. I said nothing when you pushed him up on top of that bar to feel pressure when the bartender's back was turned. But when you tell me that that poor boy has no name and no mother,
[00:14:35] Unknown:
you have not only besmirched the sanctity of the American home, but you have passed out versions on the good name of the campfire boys of troop number thirty five USA, Paterson, New Jersey. Get them out of here. I'm out of here.
[00:14:52] Unknown:
Marcella, what are you doing with that horseshoe? I'm gonna throw it over my left shoulder and make a wish. I wish that Hedy Lamarr was the head of a giraffe and I was the body. Oh, now that sounds silly. That's ridiculous. Why should you wish that Hedy Lamarr was the head of a giraffe and you were the body? I always wanted a long neck with Hedy. Right. Now, Hedy, you gotta get girls off your mind. Why don't you walk in the park at night and admire the stars? Do you mean like Betty Grable on a turn or Doctor. Lamour? No. No. No. No. I'm talking about heavenly bodies. Brother, we're both talking about the same thing. Fair enough. But someday you're going to get in trouble chasing girls, and you'd better keep away from that young divorcee that lives next door to you. You'll never get to first base with her. I did get to first base with her, Emma. What what happened? Her ex husband was on second. Hey.
Hey. Dummy girls like her are dime a dozen. Yeah? Damn a dozen? Yeah. Well, here's a nickel. Get me sick. Yeah. I think you've got women on the plane. Last night in your sleep, you kept hollering for Ingrid Bergman. Well, Ingrid Bergman happens to be my favorite actress since I saw her in that bathing beauty picture. You saw Ingrid Bergman in a bathing beauty picture? What was it called? For whom the bath towels? CUSTOMER, please. Do you dream of women every night? Not every night? Well, that's better. Sometimes I take a nap in the afternoon. Come in.
[00:16:02] Unknown:
Oh, there you are, you fat, impeded little flob.
[00:16:05] Unknown:
That's me.
[00:16:08] Unknown:
Yes. You. CUSTOMER, last night, I dreamt that I went out with you. You did? Yes. And I've never been doing something in my life. Take that. Now the next time I dream about you, maybe you'll act like a gentleman.
[00:16:20] Unknown:
How do you like that? The next time she dreams, she's got a date with me. I ain't even gonna show up. Well, Costello, I'm convinced that your dreams are the cause of all your girl trouble, and we've got to find out what they mean. Gee, I wish we could. Really, I do. I'm glad you said that, Costello, because we have with us tonight the world's greatest authority on dreams. Good evening, gentlemen. I am the world's greatest dream analyst, professor Melon Head. Ahem. Known known professionally as dreamboat, Melon Head. Dreamboat, melonhead. Dreamboat. Looks like somebody plucked all the feathers out of your crow's nest. Here, man. Are you trying to infer that my head is bald? Infer. If you put your head in fur, it would look like an oversized mothball.
Hey, Adam. Get a load of that slippery dome. I've seen ostriches hitting on better looking things than that. No, Costello, please. And you get results. I know. I know.
[00:17:10] Unknown:
Please.
[00:17:13] Unknown:
You should make you shouldn't make cracks about the present head. If If his head ever cracks, I'll make an omelette out of it. Look, gentlemen, we're wasting time. Professor Melanet, can you tell us what causes Costello to dream about girls? Of course, Abbot. Tell me, Costello, do you dream about girls all the time? No. Only when I'm asleep.
[00:17:30] Unknown:
That's fine. Good. Now I'll have to have a little of your case history. Do any other members of your family have peculiar dreams? Yes. My uncle, Artie Simmons. Last night, he dreamed he was pulling the weeds out of his garden. He dreamed he was pulling weeds out of his garden. What happened? When he woke up, his wife was as bold as an eagle. Alright. Now let's get back to you, Giselle.
[00:17:52] Unknown:
What type of girl do you dream of? Beautiful girl. Beautiful. Once I dreamed of beautiful, gorgeous blonde. And when I put my arms around her, something electric passed between us. A shock? No. She slipped her light bill into my pocket. Oh my god. Well, professor
[00:18:05] Unknown:
professor Millenin, have you found out what causes Costello's dream? Well, haven't My superficial diagnosis tells me that Costello's dreams are caused by contraction of the nerves in his head, making his brain two tenths. My brain is two tenths? Yep. Two tenths the size of a normal brain.
[00:18:23] Unknown:
Millenhead,
[00:18:24] Unknown:
for two tenths, I'd tuck you right in a push. Alright. Now, Costello, I will attempt to remedy your condition by massaging your head. First, I will suck cotton into your auditory canal. Then I will pack your cranium in crack type, tighten your cerebrum, loosen your cerebellum, and then I will rub horse liniment into your medulla oblongata.
[00:18:54] Unknown:
You wouldn't dare.
[00:18:58] Unknown:
You haven't got the nerve. Oh, now, Castello, a person's equilibrium is often an important factor in the cause and effect of dream. Therefore, I will have to test your equilibrium.
[00:19:09] Unknown:
Lone head, if you as much as lay one finger on my equilibrium, I will call my money.
[00:19:15] Unknown:
No. No. No. To test your equilibrium, Costello, I want you to climb up this step ladder here and balance yourself on the top step. Go ahead. Oh, it's very chilly, but I'll go. Here I go. Costello is now climbing the ladder. He's up 15 feet. He's up 30 feet. Keep climbing, Costello. Now he's up 75 feet. Costello has now climbed up to 100 feet. Now wait a minute, Professor. That step ladder is only nine feet tall. Oh my goodness, what a mistake. Costello, Costello come down here at one. Yes, what happened? Pastello, do you realize you climbed up a hundred feet and that ladder is only nine feet high?
[00:20:20] Unknown:
No, he tells me. Oh, let me out of here. Let me out that milling head, will you? Let me out that milling head.
[00:20:39] Unknown:
And now I'm here for that, because, tell them to the final word. Mel Cattello,
[00:20:43] Unknown:
I think I figured out a queue up at your menu for Jason Girl. I've asked Sonny Haines to give you a nice big gift. Go ahead, Sonny. Well,
[00:21:04] Unknown:
How do you feel now, miss Costello, honey?
[00:21:07] Unknown:
I feel fine, but that sailor in the first row just finished. Good night, hon. This is the Armed Forces Radio Show.
Okay. Round two. Name something that's not boring.
[00:00:05] Unknown:
A laundry? Oh, a book club. Computer solitaire.
[00:00:12] Unknown:
Sorry. We were looking for Chumba Casino. Chumba. That's right. Chumbacasino.com has over a hundred casino style games. Join today and play for free for your chance to redeem some serious prizes. Chumbacasino.com. No purchase. Number to the server. Eighteen plus starts, editions apply, see website for details.
[00:00:31] Unknown:
Luckyland Casino asking people what's the weirdest place you've gotten lucky. Lucky? In line of the deli, I guess? In my dentist's office. More than once, actually. Do I have to say? Yes. You do. In the car before my kids' PTA meeting. Really? Yes. Excuse Excuse me. What's the weirdest place you've gotten lucky? I never win in town. Well, there you have it. You could get lucky anywhere playing at luckylandslots.com. Play for free right now. Are you feeling lucky? No purchase necessary. Void record written by law. 18 plus terms and conditions plus c website for details.
[00:01:30] Unknown:
And I'm sure that they won't
[00:01:37] Unknown:
get one.
[00:01:44] Unknown:
And when they see y'all together, I'll brush the dream from my heart.
[00:02:14] Unknown:
It mustn't
[00:02:43] Unknown:
that you happen to me.
[00:03:16] Unknown:
There you are, Costello. I've been looking all over you all week. I telephoned your house Tuesday night, and somebody answered and said you were taking a bath. You know, I'm lost already. Right at the beginning. Somebody never mind. This is no this is no kidding. Somebody deliberately told me that you were taking a bath. Somebody told said that I was taking a bath? I call up Tuesday night. Tuesday night? Yes. Brother, did you have the wrong number? Well, look. My wife said she saw you in a tattoo parlor on Main Street. Morning. What were you doing in a tattoo parlor? Well, I got lost with my girlfriend, Tessie Tinfoil. Yes. You know, the one that's in the army? Yeah. So I had a picture tattooed on my back. You had Tessie's picture tattooed on your back? Oh, yeah. Sure. And I had me tattooed on my chest. Look. See it? Wait a minute, Costello. I don't see you on your chest. Am I back there with Tessie again?
Talk says, Costello. I understand that Tessie is going to get out of the army next week. Oh, that's right, Abbott. And she's going back to her old job posing for a designer. He uses Tessie's knees for models. He uses Tessie's knees for models? The what what does he design? Doorknobs. Doorknobs. Wait a minute. Costella. Costella, just a minute. Turn around. Let me see that picture of Tessie on your back. Go ahead. Turn around. Uh-huh. I thought so. She's not kneed. Tessie is not kneed. Well, her knees are touching. She just stands that way because she hasn't got any garden. I, look, Castellum, you're Castell, if you're so crazy about Tessie, why don't you marry her? Well, I I I don't believe in marriage, Abbot. Marriage is like soup. Marriage is like soup? Sure. By the time you get through spooning, it cools off.
That's ridiculous. Well, always have it. You know, I I I don't know if Tessie wants to marry me or not. You see, she's also in love with nine other guys. Tessie is in love with you and nine other guys? Yeah. You should have been there the day Tessie left for the army. What do you mean? It was beautiful. The 10 of us chipped in and bought her an engagement ring. Wait a minute. I understand you had a little spat with Tessie before she left. Well, what was it about? She got mad at me because I stole a kiss. Oh, now that's silly. Why should Tessie get mad because you stole a kiss? I stole it from her sister. I and you know something? That's the first girl I kissed since I let since last Christmas. Oh, Costello. You mean that from last Christmas till now, you've kissed just one girl? How do you count for that? Oh, I guess I'm just awoke.
[00:05:39] Unknown:
I can't control myself. I can see that. I'm a cat. I'm lower than a cat. I'm a old Studebaker
[00:05:47] Unknown:
with no fog light. Alright. Okay. Let's cut that out, Costello. The trouble with you is that you wear your heart on your sleeve. That's a lie. I might I might have a little liver and onions on my vest and a smudge of tapioca on my trousers, but I ain't got no heart on my sleeve. No. No, Costello. I only meant that you are fickle. I'm what? You're fickle. Fickle. I never touched that stuff. I've never been pickled in my life. Now look. I'm not referring to drinking. I'm referring to love. Do you know what love is? Oh, sure. Little pigeons make love. Butterflies make love. Yes. Oysters make love. Yeah. No. Wait a minute. Oysters make love. You'd be surprised what goes on inside them, Joe. No. No. Costello, you don't appreciate romance.
You know, you don't. Really, Lou. You don't you don't appreciate romance at all. When I was calling my wife, there was a big grandfather's clock in the living room. Louise would sit and listen to it. And it said, take your time. Take your time. Take your time. Yes, but things are different now, Abbot. Today, when a fellow is going to follow with his girl, there's an alarm clock on the mantle that says, get together, get together, get together, get together. I'll never forget that old grandfather's car. It's a great memory, though, Lou. That old grandfather's clock, the day we were married, it stopped.
Stop. Yep. Your wife must have looked at it. I guess, you wait a minute. Are you insinuating that my wife's taste would stop a clock? Well, ain't running, is it? Forget about the clock, Costello. What happened to your romance with that tall red headed girl? Oh, you mean lean against her? Yes. Oh, well, we're married and happy. Married and happy? Yeah. She's married, and I'm happy. I'm glad she married somebody else. The only reason you wanted to marry her was for her money. Well, marrying for money is better than getting married for no reason at all. Pastor, when I married my wife, everyone said it was a perfect match. Match is right. She struck you, and you went out like a light.
Well, at least I'm not henpeck. Henpeck? Before you were married, you used to snow in your sleep. Now you're tackled. No. No. No. That's not true. Before I was married, everything was lovely. I hide sneaking to the parlor and I'd catch her in my arm. Now you sneak into the bedroom and catch her in your pocket. I oh, forget about my marriage, Costello. I'd like to get you straightened out. Now Tessie Tinfoil is not the girl. Tessie is, two, blase. What? Blase. Tessie's too blase. Blase. She's got more than two blase. Tessie got a red blase and a green blase. And she's got a yellow blase.
She wears them with her her checkered shirte skirte under the co That's right. How do you like that? And she promised to me that she'd stay on the wagon. Listen, give me please. When I say a girl's lousy, I'm not referring to her clothes. Anyone who is lousy is sophisticated, and sophisticated has nothing to do with being inebriated. It merely means that a person has reached the degree of sophistication where he or she becomes blase. Oh, when you say a girl's blase, you're not referring to her clothes. And anyone who is blase is sophisticated. And sophisticated has nothing to do with being inebriated. It merely means that a person has reached the degree of sophistication where he or she becomes blase. Now you've got it. Now I I don't even know what I'm talking about. Get them out of here. Hey, Glassella. Hey. Wouldn't this be us any day to go to the beach? Oh, yes. If we had a telephone call, we could call up some girls if we had a nickel and if we know any girls. There you go again, girls, girls, girls. Can't you think of anything better than girls? There's something better.
Oh, look, Costello. Hey. There's Connie Haines. Why don't you ask her? She'd like to go to the beach. Okay. Oh, Connie. Honey. Hey, Connie. How would you like to go to the beach with me, Well, miss Costello, honey, I don't know if I should. I suppose you all wanna teach me how to swim? Oh, nothing like that. Well, you all won't try to hold my hand? Oh, you know me better than that, honey. And you won't hug me a kid? Oh, jeez, Willikers. No. I mean, after all, I I I I I I
[00:09:48] Unknown:
I promise I won't. Then what are we going for?
[00:09:52] Unknown:
Then what are we going for?
[00:09:55] Unknown:
We're going for
[00:09:58] Unknown:
How's it going, mister Costello? Honey,
[00:10:02] Unknown:
I'll ride home. Well, Costello, he's get murdered me. I'll wait a minute. You certainly got turned down fast by Connie. Well, maybe she sure because I broke a date with her Saturday night. I was supposed to meet her at 07:00. What happened? I waited around till eleven. She didn't come, so I just threw her up. That's all. I wish Connie would go to the beach with us because she's she's got the cutest bathing suit. What's it like? Made a few pieces of string held together by a handkerchief. Well, it's too bad Connie's not going. Come on. Get your trunks, Cattell, and let's go to the beach. My trunks? Yes. Why should I take my trunks? I don't wanna move. I just wanna go swimming. Well, you're swimming trunks, don't you? I do not. I swim in the water just like anybody else. Never mind. I'll rent you a swimming suit. Would you wear a rented suit? That depends where it's rented. And the size of the rent. No. No. Come on, trust me. Let's get started.
I'll get some lotion to rub on you so you won't have sunburn. Oh, you don't have to worry about me, Abbot. I never burn. I just take a nice, healthy, even blister. Well, come on, Catzilla. There's nobody around, so get into your suit. Isn't the beach beautiful? Just look at the birds flying over the water. Oh, I wrote a poem about them birds. I'll recite it. Go ahead. A wonderful bird is the seagull, which can fly quite as high as an eagle. They sit on a stand, and sometimes they stand. But you can't tell a he from a she go.
[00:11:26] Unknown:
Hey. Hey, Costello. Here comes a cop. Hey, you guys. It's a private beach. You can't swim here. It's against the law. Why don't you tell me before I got undressed? Well, there's no law against undressing.
[00:11:38] Unknown:
Look. Let's go let's go over beyond those ropes, Costello. That's the public beach. Look at that beautiful redhead. I'm going to let her teach her to swim. Suppose she knows how to swim. Then I'll let her teach me. Hey, Annie. Give me my payer the shovel. Right here is the spot where I covered Ruby Poole you up with the sand last Sunday. Well, what do you want your shovel for now? Well, I figured it's about time to take her up. I love, Costello. Hey. Look at that fat lady in that rubber bathing suit. Oh, them rubber bathing suits. They're made for fat ladies. They got a five way stretch. Five way stretch? Yeah. Up and down, back and forth, and a shelf to take care of the surplus. I hey, Casilla.
Look at the man over there feeding donuts to his horse. Can you imagine that? Hey. You missed it. What's the idea of giving all them donuts to your horse? I just wanted to see how many you'll eat before he asks for a cup of coffee. Hey. What are you doing on the beach with that horse? You see, I came down here to go swim to go swim Go swim. Swimming? No. Fishing. Did you, catch anything? No. Do you see my wife was with me, and the fish took one look at her. When they saw how badly I was hooked, they wouldn't buy the stall. Alright. Alright.
Yeah. Never mind him, Gustava. Why don't you go into the water? You've always bragged to me that you were such a great lifesaver, and I don't am a great lifesaver, Abbott, and I'll prove it to you. I can save anybody, anybody at all. Anybody want to be saved? Anybody at all want to be saved?
[00:13:15] Unknown:
No. No. No. No.
[00:13:19] Unknown:
No. No. No. No.
[00:13:22] Unknown:
No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No
[00:13:26] Unknown:
Never mind. The lifeguard got everything. Lucky deal done. Now look, Castello, when you go into the water, stay close to the lifeguard. Stay close to what? The buoy. Stay close to the buoy. That's the safest thing. Stay close to the buoy. That may be the safest thing, but if you wanna have some fun, you gotta stay close to the girl. CUSTOMER. Girls have nothing to do with this kind of a boy. The kind of a boy, I mean, will keep you up. What do you know? What is the boy's name? The boy has no name. Just a plain red and white boy. Tell me this boy is anchored to a sandbar and it it has a bell. What is that fella boy doing in the bar? Nothing. The boy is not in the bar. The boy is on the bar. He probably crawled up there to steal some pretzels. No. No. No. You win for still? That boy is on the bar to keep people from going on the rock. So he finally learned his lesson. Why didn't this mother keep mother that far? This boy hasn't got a mother. Hasn't got a mother. No. That did it. What do you mean? Abduct you have gone too far. I didn't mind when you said that the girls will have nothing to do with this poor boy, and I was only mildly surprised when you told me that he was half bred and half white. I said nothing when you pushed him up on top of that bar to feel pressure when the bartender's back was turned. But when you tell me that that poor boy has no name and no mother,
[00:14:35] Unknown:
you have not only besmirched the sanctity of the American home, but you have passed out versions on the good name of the campfire boys of troop number thirty five USA, Paterson, New Jersey. Get them out of here. I'm out of here.
[00:14:52] Unknown:
Marcella, what are you doing with that horseshoe? I'm gonna throw it over my left shoulder and make a wish. I wish that Hedy Lamarr was the head of a giraffe and I was the body. Oh, now that sounds silly. That's ridiculous. Why should you wish that Hedy Lamarr was the head of a giraffe and you were the body? I always wanted a long neck with Hedy. Right. Now, Hedy, you gotta get girls off your mind. Why don't you walk in the park at night and admire the stars? Do you mean like Betty Grable on a turn or Doctor. Lamour? No. No. No. No. I'm talking about heavenly bodies. Brother, we're both talking about the same thing. Fair enough. But someday you're going to get in trouble chasing girls, and you'd better keep away from that young divorcee that lives next door to you. You'll never get to first base with her. I did get to first base with her, Emma. What what happened? Her ex husband was on second. Hey.
Hey. Dummy girls like her are dime a dozen. Yeah? Damn a dozen? Yeah. Well, here's a nickel. Get me sick. Yeah. I think you've got women on the plane. Last night in your sleep, you kept hollering for Ingrid Bergman. Well, Ingrid Bergman happens to be my favorite actress since I saw her in that bathing beauty picture. You saw Ingrid Bergman in a bathing beauty picture? What was it called? For whom the bath towels? CUSTOMER, please. Do you dream of women every night? Not every night? Well, that's better. Sometimes I take a nap in the afternoon. Come in.
[00:16:02] Unknown:
Oh, there you are, you fat, impeded little flob.
[00:16:05] Unknown:
That's me.
[00:16:08] Unknown:
Yes. You. CUSTOMER, last night, I dreamt that I went out with you. You did? Yes. And I've never been doing something in my life. Take that. Now the next time I dream about you, maybe you'll act like a gentleman.
[00:16:20] Unknown:
How do you like that? The next time she dreams, she's got a date with me. I ain't even gonna show up. Well, Costello, I'm convinced that your dreams are the cause of all your girl trouble, and we've got to find out what they mean. Gee, I wish we could. Really, I do. I'm glad you said that, Costello, because we have with us tonight the world's greatest authority on dreams. Good evening, gentlemen. I am the world's greatest dream analyst, professor Melon Head. Ahem. Known known professionally as dreamboat, Melon Head. Dreamboat, melonhead. Dreamboat. Looks like somebody plucked all the feathers out of your crow's nest. Here, man. Are you trying to infer that my head is bald? Infer. If you put your head in fur, it would look like an oversized mothball.
Hey, Adam. Get a load of that slippery dome. I've seen ostriches hitting on better looking things than that. No, Costello, please. And you get results. I know. I know.
[00:17:10] Unknown:
Please.
[00:17:13] Unknown:
You should make you shouldn't make cracks about the present head. If If his head ever cracks, I'll make an omelette out of it. Look, gentlemen, we're wasting time. Professor Melanet, can you tell us what causes Costello to dream about girls? Of course, Abbot. Tell me, Costello, do you dream about girls all the time? No. Only when I'm asleep.
[00:17:30] Unknown:
That's fine. Good. Now I'll have to have a little of your case history. Do any other members of your family have peculiar dreams? Yes. My uncle, Artie Simmons. Last night, he dreamed he was pulling the weeds out of his garden. He dreamed he was pulling weeds out of his garden. What happened? When he woke up, his wife was as bold as an eagle. Alright. Now let's get back to you, Giselle.
[00:17:52] Unknown:
What type of girl do you dream of? Beautiful girl. Beautiful. Once I dreamed of beautiful, gorgeous blonde. And when I put my arms around her, something electric passed between us. A shock? No. She slipped her light bill into my pocket. Oh my god. Well, professor
[00:18:05] Unknown:
professor Millenin, have you found out what causes Costello's dream? Well, haven't My superficial diagnosis tells me that Costello's dreams are caused by contraction of the nerves in his head, making his brain two tenths. My brain is two tenths? Yep. Two tenths the size of a normal brain.
[00:18:23] Unknown:
Millenhead,
[00:18:24] Unknown:
for two tenths, I'd tuck you right in a push. Alright. Now, Costello, I will attempt to remedy your condition by massaging your head. First, I will suck cotton into your auditory canal. Then I will pack your cranium in crack type, tighten your cerebrum, loosen your cerebellum, and then I will rub horse liniment into your medulla oblongata.
[00:18:54] Unknown:
You wouldn't dare.
[00:18:58] Unknown:
You haven't got the nerve. Oh, now, Castello, a person's equilibrium is often an important factor in the cause and effect of dream. Therefore, I will have to test your equilibrium.
[00:19:09] Unknown:
Lone head, if you as much as lay one finger on my equilibrium, I will call my money.
[00:19:15] Unknown:
No. No. No. To test your equilibrium, Costello, I want you to climb up this step ladder here and balance yourself on the top step. Go ahead. Oh, it's very chilly, but I'll go. Here I go. Costello is now climbing the ladder. He's up 15 feet. He's up 30 feet. Keep climbing, Costello. Now he's up 75 feet. Costello has now climbed up to 100 feet. Now wait a minute, Professor. That step ladder is only nine feet tall. Oh my goodness, what a mistake. Costello, Costello come down here at one. Yes, what happened? Pastello, do you realize you climbed up a hundred feet and that ladder is only nine feet high?
[00:20:20] Unknown:
No, he tells me. Oh, let me out of here. Let me out that milling head, will you? Let me out that milling head.
[00:20:39] Unknown:
And now I'm here for that, because, tell them to the final word. Mel Cattello,
[00:20:43] Unknown:
I think I figured out a queue up at your menu for Jason Girl. I've asked Sonny Haines to give you a nice big gift. Go ahead, Sonny. Well,
[00:21:04] Unknown:
How do you feel now, miss Costello, honey?
[00:21:07] Unknown:
I feel fine, but that sailor in the first row just finished. Good night, hon. This is the Armed Forces Radio Show.
