In this episode, we dive into a comedic sketch featuring the legendary duo Abbott and Costello. The show opens with a humorous exchange about a boat license, leading to a series of misunderstandings and wordplay that only Abbott and Costello can deliver. The duo's banter takes us on a journey from a boat license bureau to a deserted island, where Costello's nautical knowledge—or lack thereof—provides endless laughs. Their comedic timing and clever dialogue keep the audience entertained as they navigate through a series of absurd situations, including a hilarious retelling of the classic tale of Moby Dick.
As the episode unfolds, listeners are treated to a series of comedic sketches that highlight the duo's unique style of humor. From Costello's misadventures at the marriage license bureau to their shipwrecked escapades on a deserted island, the episode is filled with classic Abbott and Costello humor. The show concludes with a musical number that showcases Costello's love for the sea, leaving the audience in stitches. This episode is a testament to the timeless appeal of Abbott and Costello's comedy, blending slapstick, wordplay, and musical interludes to create a thoroughly entertaining experience.
(01:11) The Comedy Begins: Abbott and Costello
(03:00) Lou's Adventures and Misadventures
(05:52) The Tale of Moby Dick
(09:27) Costello's Boat License Fiasco
(13:01) Shipwrecked on a Deserted Island
(17:48) The Return and Final Laughs
Listen to our radio station Old Time Radio https://link.radioking.com/otradio
Listen to other Shows at My Classic Radio https://www.myclassicradio.net/
Entertainment Radio | Broadcasting Classic Radio Shows | Patreon
Remember that times have changed, and some shows might not reflect the standards of today’s politically correct society. The shows do not necessarily reflect the views, standards, or beliefs of Entertainment Radio
[00:00:02]
Unknown:
Attention shoppers. We now have taste in the bread aisle, Dave's Killer Bread. That's right. An organic bread that's no longer a snooze for your taste buds. Dave's Killer Bread is on a mission to make the most of the loaf, to rid the world of GMOs, high fructose corn syrup, and artificial ingredients, and plant the seeds of good in all that they bake. Killer taste, killer texture, and always organic. Dave's Killer Bread. Bread amplified.
[00:00:29] Unknown:
Hey, guys. It is Ryan. I'm not sure if you know this about me, but I'm a bit of a fun fanatic when I can. I like to work, but I like fun too. It's a thing. And now the truth is out there. I can tell you about my favorite place to have fun, Chamba Casino. They have hundreds of social casino style games to choose from with new games released each week. You can play for free anytime, anywhere, and each day brings a new chance to collect daily bonuses. So join me in the fun. Sign up now at chambacasino.com. No purchase necessary. BHW, avoid prohibited by laws. See terms and conditions. 18 plus.
[00:01:11] Unknown:
C a m e l s. That's right, folks.
[00:01:15] Unknown:
C for comedy, a for Abbott, m for Maxwell, e for Ennis, l for Lou Costello. Yes. They spell camel. Experience is the best teacher. Try a camel. Let your own experience tell you why more people are smoking camels than ever before. And draw up a chair for tonight's camo show starring whatever and
[00:01:38] Unknown:
Luke Costello.
[00:01:53] Unknown:
Come over here. Isn't it wonderful? We'll be back in California, Lauren. Oh, Adam. It's nice to be back in California. Yes. Boy, did I have fun coming in on a plane. I told jokes and all the passengers rolled down the floor. Were your jokes that funny? No. I was an older safety fellas. Hey. What about that little blonde? What about that beautiful blonde? You know, the one you met in New York? Are you, going to write to her? It's no use, Abbot. I couldn't get the first base for her. Why not? Her husband was on second. Oh, you idiot.
I you idiot. I I don't know what woman would see in you anyway. Oh, I guess I'm just irresistible. Well, even tonight coming down here on the bus, the lady conductor punched out, I love you on my transfer. Oh. Let's tell her you'll never be happy like my wife, Betty and I. Oh, yes. Did you see her tonight? Betty. Oh, didn't she look beautiful, Lou? Yeah. She was wearing her new makeup. Yeah. Dutch cleanser number four. Never mind that. Did my, brother Norman meet you at the airport? Yes. And right away, he dragged me into a joint to celebrate. Have it? Norman had one bottle of beer and passed out coal. My brother Norman passed out from drinking one bottle of beer. He didn't drink it. I hit him over the headlock. You idiot. You know, he plops his hair in the middle now? Yeah. Sorry. Wait a minute. Just a minute. Didn't I see you and your brother Pat down at San Pedro this morning? What are you doing there? Well, Pat was trying to buy one of them new Navy surplus boats. He he'd have got one too if he hadn't have been a veteran. Well, what do you and your brother Pat want with a boat? You know nothing about boats. Oh, is that so, Abbot? I joined the Navy when I was four years old.
How did you do that? I lied about my age. Who did you sail with? Who did I sail with? I was on a ship with captain Epsom. I I never heard of captain Epsom. He's an old sort. Now did you have did you have any dangerous experiences in the navy? Well, one time a schooner capsized on either end. What did you do? What could I do? I wiped off the bar and ordered another one. Don't be a tow, Blue. I don't believe I don't believe you've ever been to sea. You know absolutely nothing about the sea. And it so happens tonight that my bedtime story is gonna be all about the sea. It's the story of Moby Dick. I tell the story all by myself, haven't I? I don't need any help from you. So why don't you call up the automobile club and show them what a real wreck looks like? Alright. Now, love, go ahead and tell you a story. Now, Moby Dick was a great big whale. Yeah. The Moby Dick, as I said before, he was a big whale. A mammal. A whale was a whale was a mammal. You're interrupting a little earlier. I said a whale was a mammal. Yes. He was a mammal. Yeah. He was not a mammal, Edith. How could he be a mammal? His name was Dick. He was a pebble, and he had seven piddles. Now shut up and let me tell a story. Alright. Go ahead. You're getting a little burnt before it. Make it easy. Don't get excited now. I'm not getting excited. Alright. You look it. Oh, do I? Now Moby Dick was a great big whale, and he lived in the ocean. He loved to swim. When the water came up, he'd swim in. When the water went down, he'd swim out. Yeah. He swam with the tide. Yes.
Could I have that again? How do you swim with the tides? Tides. Oh, he didn't wear any tides. He was so big he couldn't get a pair of ties to fit him, honey. Oh, yes. Yeah. But don't get me mixed up in a story now. I'm getting a little mad. Alright. Now I gotta be nice again. Alright. Go ahead. Now nobody could catch Moby Dick. When do we laugh at this? One thing. They're laughing before they're supposed to. Alright. They're laughing now. Alright. I tell you the reason. Now when anybody come after come after Moby Dick, he'd spray water at them through his nose. Not not nose. Spout. Spout. Yes. He's he's Spout? Yeah. Spout time. You keep your big mouth shut. 11. Let me finish the story. Go ahead. I'm waiting for the fish. Now one day, Moby Dick was swimming along and he passed a shark that was choking up a skewer. What kind of shark? Who said that? I did. That's in case you asked. I'm not interested.
This is a pool shark. Now get out of here before I fact you're hitting the side pocket. No. Take it easy. Moby Dick was hungry. He was very hungry for a big whale, so he grabbed the great big clam. Abalone. Abalone. Abalone. But this is no baloney. This is a true story. Oh, hey. You said you said anything about baloney. Who said it? Who did? You you did. I didn't say anything. What did you say? I said abalone. There you go. You said it again. No. No. You dummy. I said the whale was eating abalone. Where would the whale get baloney in the ocean? No. No. Yeah. But he was eating a great big clam. Abalone is a clam. How do you like that? They're making baloney out of clam, aren't they? They don't make baloney out of clams. The kind of clam I'm talking about is abalone. A clam is abalone? That's right. One of us is nuts. Abbott, why don't you baloney up? Let me tell my finish my story. You mean clam. Didn't you just tell me that clam is have bologna? That's right. Well, if you don't shut your clam, I'll hit you over the head with a bologna. Alright. Now don't get me, sir. Now Muffy Dick was a friendly whale. He liked to play with the fish, especially the itty bitty little fishy. Guppies? Sure. He he he what was that? Guppies. Guppies. Haven't you ever heard of Guppies? Oh, I listen to Guppies all the time. Guppies Tavern.
Now Moby Dick was swimming along. One day, he saw a swordfish fighting with a mackerel. The swordfish stabbed the mackerel, then he stabbed him again, and he stabbed him again, and he stabbed him again. Poor little mackerel. Then he stabbed him again. Poor little mackerel must have been full of holes. Yeah. He was a holy mackerel. Hello? Will you stop laughing now? Well, when do we laugh at it? I'm not even finished with the story there. Then the swordfish saw Moby Dick, and he and he lunged at him. And he and he and he lunged at him. And Moby Dick And what happened? Lunch at the swordfish, and the swordfish lunged at Moby Dick. Well, what happened? They had lunch together. I know.
And then and then Moby Dick paid the check. He was a very wealthy whale, Abbott. He owned stores all over the country. Oh, now look. Don't get silly. What kind of store is gonna whale? Abbott. Ain't you ever heard of the whale in drug stores? Well, alright. Go ahead. Now Moby Dick didn't feel so good, so he went to see the doctor fish. Doctor fish? Yeah. He was a famous surgeon. Sir? He well, he was too. He was a great physician. Now when he got to the surgeon's office, there was a walrus there having a tooth pull. Not too tusk. Tusk. Tusk. Oh, yes. Well, tusk tusk. You and a couple of poop flies.
Now also when the surgeon's office was a big fish with Band Aids stuck on both sides of his jaw. What was the matter with him? He was plastered to the gill. Oh, the right one could come to the stage's office. Well, he just stopped in for the halibut. For the halibut. Alright. Go ahead. Then a quartet of fish a quartet of fish came in and started singing. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. A quartet of fish? Oh, what a quartet of it. First tuna, second tuna, barracuda, and bass. They sang for scale. Oh, man. Yeah. They were always good for a fin of peace. That's it. Suddenly suddenly a voice hollered, eyes regusted, brother crawfish. Let's all go home. Who was that? That was kingfish.
No. On the way home, Moby Dicky passed the school of fish. What kind of fish? How do I know what kind of fish? Well, were they weak fish? What do I know about their physical condition? Alright. Alright. Well, I know that a couple of them were Gershwin fish. Gershwin fish. Yeah. Porgy and Bess. They're poor. Now look. Well, just a minute. Porgy and Bess had nothing to do with this. Oh, they did too. Oh, no. Some of our best tuners come from Porgy and Bess. I got plenty of a mess. Stop, Costello. This is right. Ridiculous. What happened to to Moby Dick? Now they're a hurry. Now we're getting to the end. That's it. Come on. Very sad ending, Abbott. Alright. Let let's hear it. One day, he swam away, and nobody ever saw the big whale again. He swam away. Abbott, you're supposed to say, Costello, I'll tell you where he went. And I said you were. Okay. Now Go ahead. I'll tell you that. I didn't actually what happened. I started the story, and I'm gonna finish it. Whales are just like elephants have it. They have a graveyard where they go to die. No matter where a whale lives, he goes to the whale's graveyard to die. Whales swim thousands of miles from the Pacific Ocean to the Atlantic Ocean, from the Atlantic Ocean to the Pacific Ocean, against currents, over reefs, through storms, hurricanes, typhoons and monsoons. They swim and they swim until they get to the whale graveyard. And when they get their habit, they die. They die? Yeah. It's the trip that kills them. Hey, Abbot. Hey, Abbot. I just bought a boat. I just bought a boat, Abbot, at the government auction. Here's a picture of it. My. She looks beautiful standing there in her slip. She's in a slip. Uh-oh. Wrong picture. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. You dummy. This is the right picture. It's a it's a picture of a y'all in a slip. A picture of what? Y'all in a slip. Abbott, y'all is crazy. I never had a picture taken in a slip. No. No. No. No. Y'all y'all is a boat. An old tub. You did it. Now that Just for that, I'm gonna hold off and give you what? The dirtiest look you ever had. Now listen to him. Now listen to you idiot. If you're gonna sail this boat, you'll you'll have to get a license. Now run across the street to City Hall and you'll find that the boat license is in Room 3310.
That's it. Okay. Room 310. Yeah. We'll invite the whole gang out on a fishing party, Abbot. I think I'll make it formal. Form. No fish admitted without tails. Wait right here, Abbot. I'll go over to Room 310 and get the license. Go ahead. Oh, that dummy. I I hope he gets a license without balling things up. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. 310? That's the marriage license, Miura. Costello? Costello? Uh-oh. Moe, it's two ladies gone. How do you do, Clark? I'm Lou Costello, and I'd like to take out a license. A license? Well, congratulations, mister Costello. Where did you find her? Government surplus.
[00:10:40] Unknown:
No kidding.
[00:10:41] Unknown:
Say, were there many of them down there? Oh, sure. A hundred of them. Some from the coast guard, some from the marines, some from the navy, and two or three from private parties. Were, most of them in good shape? Nah. A lot of them needed a new bridge. At some, the paint was cracked. Others were bulging a little at the seams, but I picked the best one.
[00:11:00] Unknown:
Yes, sir. I'll bet you did. When does the ceremony take place? Tomorrow. I'm gonna shove her into the Pacific Ocean.
[00:11:08] Unknown:
Attaboy. Right away, sure. Who's the boss? Oh, I'll be the master. Alright? I'm gonna start the ceremony by cracking a pile of champagne on her nose. Brother, you got the right idea. By the way, how old is she? Oh, she's pretty old, but she'll be alright when she gets the barnacle stripped off. Barnacles?
[00:11:28] Unknown:
Barnacles, I thought mine was bad just because she had a couple of bunions. Bunions?
[00:11:34] Unknown:
Bunions on a boat? Costello. Castello. Yeah. Costello. Come out of here. Come on. You have it. This one is nuts. His boat's got bunions. Who's talking about boats? Oh, yeah. That's what I want a license for. Look. This is the marriage license bureau, Costello. I've got the boat license. Come on. We'll pick up Skinny and Marilyn start off on that fishing trip. Hurry up. Hiya, fellas. Well, I'm all ready to go out on the boat with you, Costella. You're going on this boat and that outfit? What's the idea of wearing a woman's nightgown and carrying her down? That's in case the boat sinks. You know the road of the sea? Women and children first. Stanley, why don't you crawl up in the crow's nest? Let's go. Get one of those crows to sit on that aid you just laid.
There you are, Louis, my love. My, what a beautiful boat. Marilyn, my sweet. Bless you and I see all the way to some tropical island. We'll sit alone in the moon right now, sing a romantic song in your ear like beer barrel poker. Oh, but, Louis, there's nothing romantic about a beer barrel. There is if you drink the beer first.
[00:12:36] Unknown:
Oh, Lewis. My love, you're so cute. When we get back from this boat trip, I'm going to take you to my house. Yes. I'll fix you a big dinner. Mhmm. Roast duck, chocolate cake Chocolate cake. Strawberry ice cream. Strawberry ice cream. And then after dinner Yeah. We'll go in the living room Oh, yes. And have a demitasse.
[00:12:53] Unknown:
I knew it. I knew you weren't treating me that nice for nothing. Well, now you've done it, Costello. We're shipwrecked shipwrecked on this deserted island. We can't even tell where we are. I could tell in a minute if I had one of those little round gadgets. What's little round gadget? You know that little round thing with a needle in it that says north, north by east, north, north, south, east, east, east by east, east by southwest, west, west by southwest, west by southwest, south, south by north, south by northwest. Wait a minute. You mean a compass? Isn't it funny I can never remember that word? Life.
I wish we knew where we were. Hey, Abbott. We're in the lane of the Incas. How do you know?
[00:13:42] Unknown:
Why did
[00:13:47] Unknown:
There you are. The four Inca spots here, Inca.
[00:13:55] Unknown:
Oh, Louis, honey, we've got to get off this island. I just saw four big Incas. Yeah. They're four of the biggest Incas I ever saw.
[00:14:03] Unknown:
But don't worry, Maryland darling. You're talking to a great sailor, a great fisherman. I'll get us off this island.
[00:14:09] Unknown:
Sailing, sailing over the bounding sea. You'll always find Cassello for a fisherman, a sea. Luke Costello, the famous fisherman.
[00:14:20] Unknown:
I was hitting the puss with the salmon while the salmon was in the can.
[00:14:24] Unknown:
Sailing, sailing over the bounding sea. You'll always find Cassello for a fisherman, is he?
[00:14:31] Unknown:
He went sailing before he became a blimp. My father used me for bait because I was a little shrimp. Cassell, I didn't know you were so fond of the sea. I'm a regular Isaac Walton. It's in my blood. My red corpuscles go in and out with a tide. The Costellos were all great sailors have it all the way back to 1492.
[00:14:52] Unknown:
America was discovered by Christopher Costello. There never was a sailor who was neater. He sailed the ocean in his three famous boats. The Pinter, the Nina, and the Santa Anita.
[00:15:09] Unknown:
They're running at Hollywood Park. Bazooka is going to the front. Bingo is second. Clicker is third. Coming into the stretch, it's closed button front. Bonnie P. By Paul Lance. Firefly is third by eight. And the winner is Girdle. They let them out in the stretch.
[00:15:24] Unknown:
Oh, Louis, my little south trout. What thrilling adventures you must have had on the ocean. Yes. I had maldimir too. Maldimir?
[00:15:33] Unknown:
Yep. That's French, but you can't take it with you.
[00:15:36] Unknown:
Oh, Louis. You're so smart and wonderful. Dear Louis to me, you're a hero in film. Bottom swag.
[00:15:48] Unknown:
When I'm on the sea, I'm the pride of the waves and the wax.
[00:15:56] Unknown:
When you're at my side, I could sail in a sea full of squall.
[00:16:14] Unknown:
He's a sailor man and a fisherman too. He's the smartest fisherman you ever knew. Avassy lovers make past the mantle, strip down the missile ass, swab those decks, you dirty swabs. Loop the poop deck. Hey. Hey. I'm Stella. Wait a minute. Do you mean to tell me that you really understand all of those nautical terms? Did I say something nautical? I'm sorry. No. No. No. I mean, do you understand navigation? Yeah. But I'm a real navigator. When I was a baby, I played with boats just like a sailor. And then as a boy scout, I learned to tie knots just like a sailor. Then last night, I wished to the girl just like a sailor. How did you make out? Shake hands with a landlover. But I love the ocean.
When I see the sea, then my heart starts to melt. I have fish, every fish, and I smell every smelt. I doodling the sun with a swordfish. I have frolicked with tin and with paddy, But I can eat fish because I'm a putter, and a fish may be somebody's daddy. I swam with the fish in the lakes and the pool. I got a degree from attending the school. I once just a mermaid just for a laugh. And now that same man made his life better ahead. Many brave hearts are asleep in at Costello. Castello. Castello. How's it feel to be away down there? I'm feeling mighty low.
Well, CUSTOMER, there's only one way we can get off this island. Somebody has got to swim to the mainland and get help. Here. Fucker on this life preserver and get going. Okay, Adam. I'll go behind these pushers, take out my clothes, put on the life preserver, and I'll swim for help. Oh, this is terrible, mister Abbott. We're slowly starving to death. Yeah. Costello's been gone for four days and four nights. Poor Costello. I I'm glad I gave him that life preserver. I I can see him battling those waves, struggling through that turf. Sir, if I will. Oh my goodness. And my mind's off it. But for four days and four nights, I wonder what's taking him so long.
[00:19:05] Unknown:
Hey. Come here. Hey. Look. It's Costello. He's back. He's faded. Oh, Louis, honey, you don't know how I've worried for four days and four nights while we waited for you to come back. Costello,
[00:19:15] Unknown:
I've never been so happy to see you. I I'm glad you're back, Lou. Heck. I I didn't even start yet. How in the heck do you get into the swipe preserver?
[00:19:31] Unknown:
Lucky Land Casino asking people what's the weirdest place you've gotten lucky. Lucky? In line of the deli, I guess? In my dentist's office. More than once, actually. Do I have to say? Yes. You do. In the car before my kids' PTA meeting. Really? Yes. Excuse me. What's the weirdest place you've gotten lucky? I never win in town. Well, there you have it. You could get lucky anywhere playing at luckylandslots.com.
[00:19:55] Unknown:
Play for free right now. Are you feeling lucky? No purchase necessary. Void record by law. 18 plus. Terms and conditions apply. See what type of details.
Attention shoppers. We now have taste in the bread aisle, Dave's Killer Bread. That's right. An organic bread that's no longer a snooze for your taste buds. Dave's Killer Bread is on a mission to make the most of the loaf, to rid the world of GMOs, high fructose corn syrup, and artificial ingredients, and plant the seeds of good in all that they bake. Killer taste, killer texture, and always organic. Dave's Killer Bread. Bread amplified.
[00:00:29] Unknown:
Hey, guys. It is Ryan. I'm not sure if you know this about me, but I'm a bit of a fun fanatic when I can. I like to work, but I like fun too. It's a thing. And now the truth is out there. I can tell you about my favorite place to have fun, Chamba Casino. They have hundreds of social casino style games to choose from with new games released each week. You can play for free anytime, anywhere, and each day brings a new chance to collect daily bonuses. So join me in the fun. Sign up now at chambacasino.com. No purchase necessary. BHW, avoid prohibited by laws. See terms and conditions. 18 plus.
[00:01:11] Unknown:
C a m e l s. That's right, folks.
[00:01:15] Unknown:
C for comedy, a for Abbott, m for Maxwell, e for Ennis, l for Lou Costello. Yes. They spell camel. Experience is the best teacher. Try a camel. Let your own experience tell you why more people are smoking camels than ever before. And draw up a chair for tonight's camo show starring whatever and
[00:01:38] Unknown:
Luke Costello.
[00:01:53] Unknown:
Come over here. Isn't it wonderful? We'll be back in California, Lauren. Oh, Adam. It's nice to be back in California. Yes. Boy, did I have fun coming in on a plane. I told jokes and all the passengers rolled down the floor. Were your jokes that funny? No. I was an older safety fellas. Hey. What about that little blonde? What about that beautiful blonde? You know, the one you met in New York? Are you, going to write to her? It's no use, Abbot. I couldn't get the first base for her. Why not? Her husband was on second. Oh, you idiot.
I you idiot. I I don't know what woman would see in you anyway. Oh, I guess I'm just irresistible. Well, even tonight coming down here on the bus, the lady conductor punched out, I love you on my transfer. Oh. Let's tell her you'll never be happy like my wife, Betty and I. Oh, yes. Did you see her tonight? Betty. Oh, didn't she look beautiful, Lou? Yeah. She was wearing her new makeup. Yeah. Dutch cleanser number four. Never mind that. Did my, brother Norman meet you at the airport? Yes. And right away, he dragged me into a joint to celebrate. Have it? Norman had one bottle of beer and passed out coal. My brother Norman passed out from drinking one bottle of beer. He didn't drink it. I hit him over the headlock. You idiot. You know, he plops his hair in the middle now? Yeah. Sorry. Wait a minute. Just a minute. Didn't I see you and your brother Pat down at San Pedro this morning? What are you doing there? Well, Pat was trying to buy one of them new Navy surplus boats. He he'd have got one too if he hadn't have been a veteran. Well, what do you and your brother Pat want with a boat? You know nothing about boats. Oh, is that so, Abbot? I joined the Navy when I was four years old.
How did you do that? I lied about my age. Who did you sail with? Who did I sail with? I was on a ship with captain Epsom. I I never heard of captain Epsom. He's an old sort. Now did you have did you have any dangerous experiences in the navy? Well, one time a schooner capsized on either end. What did you do? What could I do? I wiped off the bar and ordered another one. Don't be a tow, Blue. I don't believe I don't believe you've ever been to sea. You know absolutely nothing about the sea. And it so happens tonight that my bedtime story is gonna be all about the sea. It's the story of Moby Dick. I tell the story all by myself, haven't I? I don't need any help from you. So why don't you call up the automobile club and show them what a real wreck looks like? Alright. Now, love, go ahead and tell you a story. Now, Moby Dick was a great big whale. Yeah. The Moby Dick, as I said before, he was a big whale. A mammal. A whale was a whale was a mammal. You're interrupting a little earlier. I said a whale was a mammal. Yes. He was a mammal. Yeah. He was not a mammal, Edith. How could he be a mammal? His name was Dick. He was a pebble, and he had seven piddles. Now shut up and let me tell a story. Alright. Go ahead. You're getting a little burnt before it. Make it easy. Don't get excited now. I'm not getting excited. Alright. You look it. Oh, do I? Now Moby Dick was a great big whale, and he lived in the ocean. He loved to swim. When the water came up, he'd swim in. When the water went down, he'd swim out. Yeah. He swam with the tide. Yes.
Could I have that again? How do you swim with the tides? Tides. Oh, he didn't wear any tides. He was so big he couldn't get a pair of ties to fit him, honey. Oh, yes. Yeah. But don't get me mixed up in a story now. I'm getting a little mad. Alright. Now I gotta be nice again. Alright. Go ahead. Now nobody could catch Moby Dick. When do we laugh at this? One thing. They're laughing before they're supposed to. Alright. They're laughing now. Alright. I tell you the reason. Now when anybody come after come after Moby Dick, he'd spray water at them through his nose. Not not nose. Spout. Spout. Yes. He's he's Spout? Yeah. Spout time. You keep your big mouth shut. 11. Let me finish the story. Go ahead. I'm waiting for the fish. Now one day, Moby Dick was swimming along and he passed a shark that was choking up a skewer. What kind of shark? Who said that? I did. That's in case you asked. I'm not interested.
This is a pool shark. Now get out of here before I fact you're hitting the side pocket. No. Take it easy. Moby Dick was hungry. He was very hungry for a big whale, so he grabbed the great big clam. Abalone. Abalone. Abalone. But this is no baloney. This is a true story. Oh, hey. You said you said anything about baloney. Who said it? Who did? You you did. I didn't say anything. What did you say? I said abalone. There you go. You said it again. No. No. You dummy. I said the whale was eating abalone. Where would the whale get baloney in the ocean? No. No. Yeah. But he was eating a great big clam. Abalone is a clam. How do you like that? They're making baloney out of clam, aren't they? They don't make baloney out of clams. The kind of clam I'm talking about is abalone. A clam is abalone? That's right. One of us is nuts. Abbott, why don't you baloney up? Let me tell my finish my story. You mean clam. Didn't you just tell me that clam is have bologna? That's right. Well, if you don't shut your clam, I'll hit you over the head with a bologna. Alright. Now don't get me, sir. Now Muffy Dick was a friendly whale. He liked to play with the fish, especially the itty bitty little fishy. Guppies? Sure. He he he what was that? Guppies. Guppies. Haven't you ever heard of Guppies? Oh, I listen to Guppies all the time. Guppies Tavern.
Now Moby Dick was swimming along. One day, he saw a swordfish fighting with a mackerel. The swordfish stabbed the mackerel, then he stabbed him again, and he stabbed him again, and he stabbed him again. Poor little mackerel. Then he stabbed him again. Poor little mackerel must have been full of holes. Yeah. He was a holy mackerel. Hello? Will you stop laughing now? Well, when do we laugh at it? I'm not even finished with the story there. Then the swordfish saw Moby Dick, and he and he lunged at him. And he and he and he lunged at him. And Moby Dick And what happened? Lunch at the swordfish, and the swordfish lunged at Moby Dick. Well, what happened? They had lunch together. I know.
And then and then Moby Dick paid the check. He was a very wealthy whale, Abbott. He owned stores all over the country. Oh, now look. Don't get silly. What kind of store is gonna whale? Abbott. Ain't you ever heard of the whale in drug stores? Well, alright. Go ahead. Now Moby Dick didn't feel so good, so he went to see the doctor fish. Doctor fish? Yeah. He was a famous surgeon. Sir? He well, he was too. He was a great physician. Now when he got to the surgeon's office, there was a walrus there having a tooth pull. Not too tusk. Tusk. Tusk. Oh, yes. Well, tusk tusk. You and a couple of poop flies.
Now also when the surgeon's office was a big fish with Band Aids stuck on both sides of his jaw. What was the matter with him? He was plastered to the gill. Oh, the right one could come to the stage's office. Well, he just stopped in for the halibut. For the halibut. Alright. Go ahead. Then a quartet of fish a quartet of fish came in and started singing. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. A quartet of fish? Oh, what a quartet of it. First tuna, second tuna, barracuda, and bass. They sang for scale. Oh, man. Yeah. They were always good for a fin of peace. That's it. Suddenly suddenly a voice hollered, eyes regusted, brother crawfish. Let's all go home. Who was that? That was kingfish.
No. On the way home, Moby Dicky passed the school of fish. What kind of fish? How do I know what kind of fish? Well, were they weak fish? What do I know about their physical condition? Alright. Alright. Well, I know that a couple of them were Gershwin fish. Gershwin fish. Yeah. Porgy and Bess. They're poor. Now look. Well, just a minute. Porgy and Bess had nothing to do with this. Oh, they did too. Oh, no. Some of our best tuners come from Porgy and Bess. I got plenty of a mess. Stop, Costello. This is right. Ridiculous. What happened to to Moby Dick? Now they're a hurry. Now we're getting to the end. That's it. Come on. Very sad ending, Abbott. Alright. Let let's hear it. One day, he swam away, and nobody ever saw the big whale again. He swam away. Abbott, you're supposed to say, Costello, I'll tell you where he went. And I said you were. Okay. Now Go ahead. I'll tell you that. I didn't actually what happened. I started the story, and I'm gonna finish it. Whales are just like elephants have it. They have a graveyard where they go to die. No matter where a whale lives, he goes to the whale's graveyard to die. Whales swim thousands of miles from the Pacific Ocean to the Atlantic Ocean, from the Atlantic Ocean to the Pacific Ocean, against currents, over reefs, through storms, hurricanes, typhoons and monsoons. They swim and they swim until they get to the whale graveyard. And when they get their habit, they die. They die? Yeah. It's the trip that kills them. Hey, Abbot. Hey, Abbot. I just bought a boat. I just bought a boat, Abbot, at the government auction. Here's a picture of it. My. She looks beautiful standing there in her slip. She's in a slip. Uh-oh. Wrong picture. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. You dummy. This is the right picture. It's a it's a picture of a y'all in a slip. A picture of what? Y'all in a slip. Abbott, y'all is crazy. I never had a picture taken in a slip. No. No. No. No. Y'all y'all is a boat. An old tub. You did it. Now that Just for that, I'm gonna hold off and give you what? The dirtiest look you ever had. Now listen to him. Now listen to you idiot. If you're gonna sail this boat, you'll you'll have to get a license. Now run across the street to City Hall and you'll find that the boat license is in Room 3310.
That's it. Okay. Room 310. Yeah. We'll invite the whole gang out on a fishing party, Abbot. I think I'll make it formal. Form. No fish admitted without tails. Wait right here, Abbot. I'll go over to Room 310 and get the license. Go ahead. Oh, that dummy. I I hope he gets a license without balling things up. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. 310? That's the marriage license, Miura. Costello? Costello? Uh-oh. Moe, it's two ladies gone. How do you do, Clark? I'm Lou Costello, and I'd like to take out a license. A license? Well, congratulations, mister Costello. Where did you find her? Government surplus.
[00:10:40] Unknown:
No kidding.
[00:10:41] Unknown:
Say, were there many of them down there? Oh, sure. A hundred of them. Some from the coast guard, some from the marines, some from the navy, and two or three from private parties. Were, most of them in good shape? Nah. A lot of them needed a new bridge. At some, the paint was cracked. Others were bulging a little at the seams, but I picked the best one.
[00:11:00] Unknown:
Yes, sir. I'll bet you did. When does the ceremony take place? Tomorrow. I'm gonna shove her into the Pacific Ocean.
[00:11:08] Unknown:
Attaboy. Right away, sure. Who's the boss? Oh, I'll be the master. Alright? I'm gonna start the ceremony by cracking a pile of champagne on her nose. Brother, you got the right idea. By the way, how old is she? Oh, she's pretty old, but she'll be alright when she gets the barnacle stripped off. Barnacles?
[00:11:28] Unknown:
Barnacles, I thought mine was bad just because she had a couple of bunions. Bunions?
[00:11:34] Unknown:
Bunions on a boat? Costello. Castello. Yeah. Costello. Come out of here. Come on. You have it. This one is nuts. His boat's got bunions. Who's talking about boats? Oh, yeah. That's what I want a license for. Look. This is the marriage license bureau, Costello. I've got the boat license. Come on. We'll pick up Skinny and Marilyn start off on that fishing trip. Hurry up. Hiya, fellas. Well, I'm all ready to go out on the boat with you, Costella. You're going on this boat and that outfit? What's the idea of wearing a woman's nightgown and carrying her down? That's in case the boat sinks. You know the road of the sea? Women and children first. Stanley, why don't you crawl up in the crow's nest? Let's go. Get one of those crows to sit on that aid you just laid.
There you are, Louis, my love. My, what a beautiful boat. Marilyn, my sweet. Bless you and I see all the way to some tropical island. We'll sit alone in the moon right now, sing a romantic song in your ear like beer barrel poker. Oh, but, Louis, there's nothing romantic about a beer barrel. There is if you drink the beer first.
[00:12:36] Unknown:
Oh, Lewis. My love, you're so cute. When we get back from this boat trip, I'm going to take you to my house. Yes. I'll fix you a big dinner. Mhmm. Roast duck, chocolate cake Chocolate cake. Strawberry ice cream. Strawberry ice cream. And then after dinner Yeah. We'll go in the living room Oh, yes. And have a demitasse.
[00:12:53] Unknown:
I knew it. I knew you weren't treating me that nice for nothing. Well, now you've done it, Costello. We're shipwrecked shipwrecked on this deserted island. We can't even tell where we are. I could tell in a minute if I had one of those little round gadgets. What's little round gadget? You know that little round thing with a needle in it that says north, north by east, north, north, south, east, east, east by east, east by southwest, west, west by southwest, west by southwest, south, south by north, south by northwest. Wait a minute. You mean a compass? Isn't it funny I can never remember that word? Life.
I wish we knew where we were. Hey, Abbott. We're in the lane of the Incas. How do you know?
[00:13:42] Unknown:
Why did
[00:13:47] Unknown:
There you are. The four Inca spots here, Inca.
[00:13:55] Unknown:
Oh, Louis, honey, we've got to get off this island. I just saw four big Incas. Yeah. They're four of the biggest Incas I ever saw.
[00:14:03] Unknown:
But don't worry, Maryland darling. You're talking to a great sailor, a great fisherman. I'll get us off this island.
[00:14:09] Unknown:
Sailing, sailing over the bounding sea. You'll always find Cassello for a fisherman, a sea. Luke Costello, the famous fisherman.
[00:14:20] Unknown:
I was hitting the puss with the salmon while the salmon was in the can.
[00:14:24] Unknown:
Sailing, sailing over the bounding sea. You'll always find Cassello for a fisherman, is he?
[00:14:31] Unknown:
He went sailing before he became a blimp. My father used me for bait because I was a little shrimp. Cassell, I didn't know you were so fond of the sea. I'm a regular Isaac Walton. It's in my blood. My red corpuscles go in and out with a tide. The Costellos were all great sailors have it all the way back to 1492.
[00:14:52] Unknown:
America was discovered by Christopher Costello. There never was a sailor who was neater. He sailed the ocean in his three famous boats. The Pinter, the Nina, and the Santa Anita.
[00:15:09] Unknown:
They're running at Hollywood Park. Bazooka is going to the front. Bingo is second. Clicker is third. Coming into the stretch, it's closed button front. Bonnie P. By Paul Lance. Firefly is third by eight. And the winner is Girdle. They let them out in the stretch.
[00:15:24] Unknown:
Oh, Louis, my little south trout. What thrilling adventures you must have had on the ocean. Yes. I had maldimir too. Maldimir?
[00:15:33] Unknown:
Yep. That's French, but you can't take it with you.
[00:15:36] Unknown:
Oh, Louis. You're so smart and wonderful. Dear Louis to me, you're a hero in film. Bottom swag.
[00:15:48] Unknown:
When I'm on the sea, I'm the pride of the waves and the wax.
[00:15:56] Unknown:
When you're at my side, I could sail in a sea full of squall.
[00:16:14] Unknown:
He's a sailor man and a fisherman too. He's the smartest fisherman you ever knew. Avassy lovers make past the mantle, strip down the missile ass, swab those decks, you dirty swabs. Loop the poop deck. Hey. Hey. I'm Stella. Wait a minute. Do you mean to tell me that you really understand all of those nautical terms? Did I say something nautical? I'm sorry. No. No. No. I mean, do you understand navigation? Yeah. But I'm a real navigator. When I was a baby, I played with boats just like a sailor. And then as a boy scout, I learned to tie knots just like a sailor. Then last night, I wished to the girl just like a sailor. How did you make out? Shake hands with a landlover. But I love the ocean.
When I see the sea, then my heart starts to melt. I have fish, every fish, and I smell every smelt. I doodling the sun with a swordfish. I have frolicked with tin and with paddy, But I can eat fish because I'm a putter, and a fish may be somebody's daddy. I swam with the fish in the lakes and the pool. I got a degree from attending the school. I once just a mermaid just for a laugh. And now that same man made his life better ahead. Many brave hearts are asleep in at Costello. Castello. Castello. How's it feel to be away down there? I'm feeling mighty low.
Well, CUSTOMER, there's only one way we can get off this island. Somebody has got to swim to the mainland and get help. Here. Fucker on this life preserver and get going. Okay, Adam. I'll go behind these pushers, take out my clothes, put on the life preserver, and I'll swim for help. Oh, this is terrible, mister Abbott. We're slowly starving to death. Yeah. Costello's been gone for four days and four nights. Poor Costello. I I'm glad I gave him that life preserver. I I can see him battling those waves, struggling through that turf. Sir, if I will. Oh my goodness. And my mind's off it. But for four days and four nights, I wonder what's taking him so long.
[00:19:05] Unknown:
Hey. Come here. Hey. Look. It's Costello. He's back. He's faded. Oh, Louis, honey, you don't know how I've worried for four days and four nights while we waited for you to come back. Costello,
[00:19:15] Unknown:
I've never been so happy to see you. I I'm glad you're back, Lou. Heck. I I didn't even start yet. How in the heck do you get into the swipe preserver?
[00:19:31] Unknown:
Lucky Land Casino asking people what's the weirdest place you've gotten lucky. Lucky? In line of the deli, I guess? In my dentist's office. More than once, actually. Do I have to say? Yes. You do. In the car before my kids' PTA meeting. Really? Yes. Excuse me. What's the weirdest place you've gotten lucky? I never win in town. Well, there you have it. You could get lucky anywhere playing at luckylandslots.com.
[00:19:55] Unknown:
Play for free right now. Are you feeling lucky? No purchase necessary. Void record by law. 18 plus. Terms and conditions apply. See what type of details.
