In this lively episode, Ryan kicks things off with a playful discussion about how people celebrate their wins, whether it's with a fist pump, a high five, or a "woo hoo." He then introduces listeners to Chamba Casino, a platform offering a variety of social casino-style games with opportunities to win cash prizes. The conversation takes a humorous turn with a classic comedy sketch featuring Costello and Abbott, where they engage in a series of comedic exchanges about Christmas shopping, family gifts, and the hilarity of misunderstandings. From buying a piano for a girlfriend to the confusion over mules and pajamas, the duo's banter is filled with puns and slapstick humor.
The episode continues with a visit to a department store, where Costello's brother Sebastian is working as a floor walker. The comedic chaos ensues as they navigate crowded streetcars, discuss Christmas presents, and encounter eccentric salespeople. The episode is a delightful mix of holiday spirit, comedic misunderstandings, and classic Abbott and Costello humor, leaving listeners with a smile and a few laughs as they prepare for the festive season.
(00:00) Winning Moves and Casino Fun
(01:02) Christmas Preparations and Gift Ideas
(06:04) Streetcar Adventures and Family Antics
(09:02) Shopping at Bingle's Department Store
(15:02) Cosmetics Confusion and Gift Dilemmas
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[00:00:00]
Unknown:
It is Ryan here, and I have a question for you. What do you do when you win? Like, are you a fist pumper, a woo hooer, a hand clapper, a high fiver? I kinda like the high five, but if you wanna hone in on those winning moves, check out Chamba Casino. At chambacasino.com, choose from hundreds of social casino style games for your chance to redeem serious cash prizes. There are new game releases weekly plus free daily bonuses, so don't wait. Start having the most fun ever at chumbacasino.com.
[00:00:30] Unknown:
No purchase necessary. PGW, point where prohibited by law. See terms and conditions 18 plus. With the Lucky Land Slots, you can get lucky just about anywhere.
[00:00:35] Unknown:
This is your captain speaking. Yeah. We've got clear runway, and the weather's fine. But we're just gonna circle up here a while and, get lucky. No. No. Nothing like that. It's just these cash prizes add up quick. So I suggest you sit back, keep your tray table upright, and start getting lucky.
[00:00:50] Unknown:
Apply for free at luckylandslots.com. Are you feeling lucky? No purchase necessary. Void where prohibited by law. 18 plus terms and conditions apply. See website for details.
[00:01:03] Unknown:
Hey, Costello. Costello, come here a minute. Come here. Will you please? What's all the excitement about? What are you so happy about? Oh, look at it. What? I just got a letter from my cousin, Corporal Hugo Costello. Yeah? He's way over in Africa, and he says all the soldiers in his company are gonna have a white Christmas. Why, you dummy. It's very hot in Africa. How how could the soldiers have a white Christmas? Their cook is gonna bleach the beans. The Castella, it's about time you were thinking of Christmas. Do you realize there are only eight shopping days left? You know, I just bought I just bought a hundred Christmas teals. A hundred Christmas teals? Sure. Goodness sakes. How are you gonna feed them? I no. Look. Look. Look, Castel, are you going to make much out of Christmas this year? Am I what? Are you going to make much out of Christmas this year? I can't tell until I sell the presents I get. I sell your presents. Oh, sure, rabbit. Sure. What are you talking about? I even sold that electric bed warmer you gave me last year. That was no good. That electric bed warmer? That was an electric toaster. An electric toaster? Certainly. No wonder it kept turning me over and throwing me out of bed.
Well well, Castell, I hope you're getting a present from my wife, Betty, this year. Get home. And I'll give you a little tip. Go ahead. What she really needs is a new girdle. A what? A girdle. Don't you know what a girdle is? Oh, sure. A girdle. It's it's it's one of those things. What is it? You gotta have when you have Yes. What if you don't, you're you're sort of got, Then I know. Come on. You got to, But what is it? It's one of those things that keeps an unhappy situation from spreading. Yeah. Yeah. Look. What about your own family, Costello? What are you going to give your kid brother Sebastian? Oh, him? Nothing. What do you mean? I gave him something last year. He didn't like it. And what did you give him? The measles. And did he use a rash word? Oh, toxins, please. Listen. This year, Abbot, you know what I'm gonna do? No. I don't know. I'm gonna spend all my money on that beautiful girl who lives next door to me, Ruby.
Wait a minute. Ruby. She's beauti Why she isn't beautiful? She she's got the worst complexion I ever saw. Well, she can't help that, Abbot. I mean, she got her face caught in the waffle iron. Now she has to pour her makeup on with a syrup pitcher. Look. What are you going to buy for Ruby? I'm gonna buy a piano. A a piano? What What kind of a piano? Maple, walnut, or cherry? Well, I'm gonna get her one of those tank. What kind? What did you say? I said maple, walnut, or cherry? Maple, walnut. Do you realize what you just said? Well, what's wrong? Shame on a piano. Wait a minute.
Shame on butter. What do you say? Take it easy. Take it easy. In front of Ken Lyle, our announcer. Shame on butter. Now wait a minute. Lou on. Alright. All I said was maple, walnut, or cherry? Here you go again. I'm glad I found you out, Patrick. What do you mean? What do you mean? You're a spy from the jello program. A bee. A bee. A bee. A maple or walnut or cheese? Not a pup or flavor. Geez. I I simply asked you the kind of wood. Oh, wood? What do I know about about the wood? What do you say? I'm a woodpecker? No. Certainly not. Did you not go around tasting pianos? Did I ask you that? You think every time I see a piano, I find it to see what flavor it is? Look, Costello. They they make pianos out of different kinds of wood. My mother in law's piano is maple, so she has a genuine bird's eye. I know that. She's got an eagle peak to go with it. No. Never mind my mother-in-law. Now you've got a lot of nerves spending your money on Ruby, a girl you hardly know. You never fought to ask me if I needed money for my Christmas shopping. You need money on it? Oh, well, now. Now now that you brought it up Now that I brought it up. Well, yes. You you then you just asked me if I needed money. Ladies and gentlemen, you have just seen what loose caulk can do when it reaches the enemy's ears. I I I'll wait. Slip with the lip can't take a shit. I will. And I have just been scheduled myself. Now look. Look. Look, Constella. All I need is $50. 50 dollars? Yes. Now look. If you lend me $50, what security would you want? Padlock, a pair of handcuffs, and a watch dog. No. No. No. And put your mama in a dungeon for security. No. Look. With your father. Well, now listen. The only security I can give you is the word of an honest man. Okay. Bring him around. I'll see what I can do for you. Up, You and I are pal. And to show you how much I like you, I'm going to let you lend me the $50. Whatever. All I got in my Christmas piggy bank is $40. Well, alright. Give me the $40, and you can owe me the 10. Okay. Here's the $40. Okay. Now I owe you 10. That's right. Who owns those 10? Now wait a minute. Just a minute. Wait. How much did I ask you for? You asked me for $50. And how much did you give me? I gave you all I had, $40. So you owe me $10? That's right. Why are you? I'm just kicking. I'm not sure. Alright. Let me go with that. Alright. You owe me $40, Stella. I don't like the way you're hedging on me. And I don't like the way you're clipping my head. Oh, come on, please.
Give me back my $40. Oh, okay. Okay. If that's the way you feel, I don't wanna do business with a man like you. Here's your $40. Oh, that's more like now give me the 10 you owe me. Okay. Here's your 10. Alright. I'm paying you on account. On account? On account. I don't know how come I owe it to you. You. Believe me, this is the last time I'll ever ask you for the lend loan of $50, Gustavo. Look. No. Never mind. How can I lend you $50 now? I only had $40 to start with. Oh. Now I only got $30. Well, okay. It'll make you happy. I'll do you a favor. Give me the $30, and you can owe me 20. This is getting worse all the time. Wait a minute. Now what's the matter? First, I owed you 10. Now I owe you 20. What kind of racket is that? Well, why do you let yourself run into debt? I didn't run into it. You pushed me. Abbott, did you ever hear the story of the 40 feet? Well, yeah.
What became of the other 39? I do the guy that says open says to me. Dallas, I I'm surprised here. I had lived that. That's not that. I'm surprised. Please. Why, I'm I I'm just like Santa Claus. You're better than Santa Claus. You bet I am. You can give me a sleigh ride without any reindeer. Oh. Alright, Costello. Come on. Let's go downtown to our Christmas shopping. Here comes the street car. The clang clang clang with the trolley. Costello, come here. You wanna get hit? Get out of there. Come over here. Stand here in the safety zone. You know what? In the safety zone. Don't you know why those safety zones are here? Sure. If you get hit inside the white lines, it don't count. Oh, be quiet, please. Here's the trolley now.
I have it. What? Look at the crowd. Let's be caught. Never mind. Go on. Shove your way in. Oh, young man. You can't squeeze in here. Okay, babe. Let's wait till we get off.
[00:07:28] Unknown:
You got your one line. Get your dough and get
[00:07:33] Unknown:
hey, you fat boy. Come on. Drop your pair in the butt. Here's the pair conductor. Give us two transfers. You won't need transfers. No? Then how are we gonna ride our next car without a transfer? Just tell the next conductor that Auroville sent you. Uh-oh. That guy's off his trolley. Oh, Come on, Carcilla. Let's step back in the car and find a seat. I hey. Look look look out for that man with an umbrella. Oh my goodness. What happened? Somebody just took my seat.
[00:08:03] Unknown:
Hey, you little short fat man. Can't you reach that stress? I think so. Then would you mind letting go of my daughter?
[00:08:19] Unknown:
They shouldn't let these poor people on streetcars. You shouldn't bring me on these crowded streetcars, have it? My uncle, Artie Stebbins, got his eye hurt in this crowded street car. Got his eye hurt? Yep. He had his eye on a seat. The fat lady came along and sat on it. Yeah. Yeah. Alright. Look. Let's stop this nonsense. See here. The car is stopping. Here. Let's get off. We're far enough downtown anyway. Okay. Come on. Get off. Get off. Get off. Get off. Hey. Don't push. Don't push. I'm not pushing. Get off. Hey, Ed. What? There's a headshot. I think I'm gonna get my mother a squirrel for Christmas. She needs a squirrel to help her do housework. Oh, how could a squirrel help her with the housework? Well, she can tie his tail up and let him run between the Venetian blinds. Don't be silly. Let's go in here to Bingle's department store.
[00:09:02] Unknown:
Hey, Abbott. Abbott. Fine. Look who's standing there with a carnation in his butthole. Hey. It's your kid brother, Sebastian. Come here, Sebastian. What are you doing in Bingle's department store? I'm a handyman, uncle Butt, and today, I'm working as a floor walker. How can you be a floor walker? You're too little. Well, they need a little guy like me. You see? When the people block up the aisle, I bite them on the leg and keep moving. Yes, Stella. Your kid brother has no business in this stall. He should be in school. Are you gonna go to school no more, uncle Bud? School is nothing but a racket. School is a racket? Yep. The kids do all the work, and the teachers get paid for it.
[00:09:37] Unknown:
Anyway, I had a fight with my teacher. A fight? Yeah. This morning, I held up my hand, and and and the teacher said, Sebastian, do you wanna leave the room? And what did you say? I said, you don't think I'm standing here? It's frightened to you. Sebastian. Let's see. Alright. Alright. I can imagine. Listen, Sebastian. Now if you don't go back to school, I'm not going to give you this beautiful animal picture book for Christmas. Oh, but let me see the animals fall. Ain't that a pretty nice book? Isn't it pretty? What's the name of this animal over here, Uncle Buck? Oh, you should know the name of that animal, Sebastian? Just look at that graceful body, the slim legs, and the long ant wisdom. I I don't seem to recognize it. Oh, come Sebastian. You know this animal's name. Here, I'll make it easy for you. What does your mother call your father? Don't tell me that's a lost. Hey, love. Hey,
[00:10:29] Unknown:
Evan. I store. That I am. That I am, my little man. I'm in full charge of the dry goods department. How about sundries? Sundries is my day off. I owe. Well, gentlemen, what can I do for you? Here I got some delicious pajamas for only $30.
[00:10:55] Unknown:
30 dollars for pajamas? Yeah. Look, Kitzel. Mhmm. Here's $15. Just give me the top hat. I'll send it to my uncle Mike Perrell and Patterson. Oh, Costello. You can't send just the tops of the pajamas. Oh, sure. I can. I'll put a card in it that says Merry Christmas from the waist up. Look, I still you've only got $40. And remember, you wanted to buy an easy chair for your father. Woo hoo. And I've got just the easy chair you're looking at. That's a genuine mohair.
[00:11:21] Unknown:
The seat is covered with mohair. The back is covered with mohair, and it's got a footstool also covered with mohair. Everything is covered with mohair. Uh-huh. Yeah. I'll bet Moe hasn't got a hair left in his head.
[00:11:34] Unknown:
Moe hasn't got a hair.
[00:11:37] Unknown:
That's a slick one.
[00:11:41] Unknown:
That was Moshe. No. No, Costello. How about that piano you wanted to buy for your girlfriend Ruby? Woo hoo. Now you're talking my language. You know, I'm the head fish in the piano department. The head fish? Yeah. I'm a piano tuner. You're not. Alright. I I don't want it. You don't worry. You know, today, I got a special on a slightly used player piano with three dozen piano rolls. Oh, I bought a bunch of those those music rolls last week, and I papered my little walls with them. And, boy, were they noisy. Noisy? Yeah. Every time I sneeze, the walls play milkman pizza bottles quiet.
It was a beautiful 12 carat stone. Yeah. What a sparkler. It scares me every time she wears it. Are you afraid she'll lose it? No. But if she ever drops it, she'll have seven years bad luck. I love, don't be silly, Costello. Say, have you noticed how bright and and and happy and cheerful all these characters are? They should be. Have have you noticed all of them? Well, look at that game. They're all full of the spirit of mule tide. Yeah. The mule tide is all Mule tide. Mule tide? Mule tide. You mean yuletide. Outside what? No. No. No. But speak speaking of mules, hey. Here's the coupon. Now that gives me a very, very bright idea. Why don't you buy your girlfriend a pair of mules?
A pair of what? What do you say to a pair of mules? I say woah or get out. I mean, if you're stubborn, I wouldn't. Just tell him, look. I'm talking about a pair like Bailey, I'd put him on and wouldn't good. Alright. Look at him. Will you listen to me, please? I'm talking about a pair of bedroom mules. Oh, what? Bedroom mule. Bedroom mule? Yes. My wife has all kinds of mules in her bedroom. Red mule, green mule. She even has a pair of checkered mule. Damn it. Did you see all these different colored mules with your own eyes? Well, certainly, I why not? I see them every night. In fact, I saw them this morning. All the colored mules? Every one of them. Let me smell your breath. There you are. I'll behave. Look you, dummy. Doesn't your mother have mules in her bedroom? No. My father's very particular.
When your mother gets up in the morning, what does she put on her feet? Go on, bless her. Oh, no. No. No. Please. Please. Go. She must have some kind of mule. Look. There are two kind of mule. Silk and felt. Elf? Yes. Yes. Yes. Hasn't your mother felt mules? No, sir. She never touches any kind of animal. Oh, Especially when she's cooking. No. No. Look. Look. Forget that. Forget about the atom. Oui. Look. Every woman likes mules. My wife uses a pair of music around the house in. What's the matter? Is she too lazy to walk? No. No. Look. When she gets up in the morning, she always slips on her mule. It's her own fault. Why don't she keep my the backyard? Listen. If my wife beats her mule, she keep her feet warm. You mean you all sleep in the same bed?
Sleep in the same bed? My wife keeps her mules under the bed. For goodness sakes. Does the border health complain?
[00:14:53] Unknown:
Oh, look. Let's get the whole thing. Here I am trying to help you with your Christmas shopping, and what do I get? A lot of idiotic talk. So, Ponds and gentlemen, is there anything I can do for you? We carry a full line of cosmetics, bruise, powder, lipstick, face cream, and cleansing tissue. Placing what? Tissue. Tissue.
[00:15:09] Unknown:
Well, it seems kinda tilly, but if you wanna piss me, go ahead.
[00:15:31] Unknown:
Take a whiff of this. It's called one night in Paris. One night in Paris? Yeah. Take a whiff of this.
[00:15:36] Unknown:
My goodness. What is that? Five days at the racetrack. Right? Rustello, look. Let me handle this, please. Look, madam. My friend here is a little confused. He doesn't know what to get his girl for Christmas. Aw. Well, maybe I can help. I wish you would, please. What kind of a complexion does your girlfriend have? Fair, dark, or medium? She's speckled.
[00:15:59] Unknown:
Speckled? You mean she has a complexion of an off? Yes, ma'am. Pits and all.
[00:16:06] Unknown:
Well, from your description of the girl, I imagine she could use one of our facial kits. One of your what? The the lady wants to sell you a kit. What I wanna buy a kit for? I'm gonna get married and have kids on my arm.
[00:16:19] Unknown:
Oh, no. No. No. You see, you don't understand. This is a beauty kit with full instructions. All your girlfriend has to do is apply some of this lotion. Then she covers her face with a white of an egg, some sour cream, and a keg of yeast. Oh, she did that once. Yeah. What happened? The next morning, she broke out in biscuits.
[00:16:38] Unknown:
Kiss you. Kiss
[00:16:40] Unknown:
Kiss you. Kiss the kiss rock. Never mind, Wyatt.
[00:16:43] Unknown:
Never mind. No remarks, Judge Lopby. You silly, silly boy. You tickle me.
[00:16:48] Unknown:
Oh, here we go again.
[00:16:51] Unknown:
You tickle me first. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. You
[00:17:12] Unknown:
What are you saying? I don't want you to get away now. How about something for the young lady's hair? Does she have a snooze?
[00:17:17] Unknown:
Tell me she's got a snooze. Yeah?
[00:17:20] Unknown:
Well, is it a long snood that hangs on her back? No. It's a short snood that turns up at the end.
[00:17:27] Unknown:
She's a very snooty thing. Because Stella, the lady is talking about your girlfriend's hairdo.
[00:17:32] Unknown:
Yeah. What's your girlfriend's hairdo?
[00:17:35] Unknown:
What's her hair do? Yeah. That's what I said. It comes out when she combs it.
[00:17:42] Unknown:
Oh, Crastella, we're trying to find out how does she how does she do what does she do with her hair? Does she, pile it on top of her head, or does she drop it down her neck? She just hangs it in the closet. I don't know. Yeah, dummy. Some some women look. Some women wear buns in their hair, and some have rats. Rats? Yes. Yes. My mother had a rat in her hair for years. That's no way to talk about your fire. Look, Costello. Does miss Poulcu wear her hair off her face? No. It takes too long to wear it off. She has to pull it out with a tweed. Hey. That's that's a little snow wave talk about your girlfriend. That's slander. Lander? Yes. Don't you know what slander is? Sure. Slander. Yeah. Tall and skinny. And that has nothing to do with my girl. She's short and fat like me. Only I'm prettier than she is.
[00:18:31] Unknown:
Say, you say your girl is short and fat. I've got just the Christmas present for her, our special weight reducing machine called the melt your belt away fat cabinet. There it is standing right there. Costello, that sounds good. How much does your girl weigh? Two hundred and forty pounds with her good luck. Well, how much does she weigh with the dog? I don't know. She's never been able to get it off. Well, now this machine will take your girl's fat off. If you don't believe it, get into the machine and try it don't
[00:19:01] Unknown:
wanna get in. Out if it works. I am. Get in there. Come on. Get in there. Get in there.
[00:19:07] Unknown:
I got it. Now that's a good boy. Now we'll turn on the machine, and you'll see how it melts it that way.
[00:19:28] Unknown:
Castello? Castello, where are you? Speak to me. Castello, where are you? I'm not here, Robert. But all I see is a little puddle of water. Well, don't step in it. It's me.
It is Ryan here, and I have a question for you. What do you do when you win? Like, are you a fist pumper, a woo hooer, a hand clapper, a high fiver? I kinda like the high five, but if you wanna hone in on those winning moves, check out Chamba Casino. At chambacasino.com, choose from hundreds of social casino style games for your chance to redeem serious cash prizes. There are new game releases weekly plus free daily bonuses, so don't wait. Start having the most fun ever at chumbacasino.com.
[00:00:30] Unknown:
No purchase necessary. PGW, point where prohibited by law. See terms and conditions 18 plus. With the Lucky Land Slots, you can get lucky just about anywhere.
[00:00:35] Unknown:
This is your captain speaking. Yeah. We've got clear runway, and the weather's fine. But we're just gonna circle up here a while and, get lucky. No. No. Nothing like that. It's just these cash prizes add up quick. So I suggest you sit back, keep your tray table upright, and start getting lucky.
[00:00:50] Unknown:
Apply for free at luckylandslots.com. Are you feeling lucky? No purchase necessary. Void where prohibited by law. 18 plus terms and conditions apply. See website for details.
[00:01:03] Unknown:
Hey, Costello. Costello, come here a minute. Come here. Will you please? What's all the excitement about? What are you so happy about? Oh, look at it. What? I just got a letter from my cousin, Corporal Hugo Costello. Yeah? He's way over in Africa, and he says all the soldiers in his company are gonna have a white Christmas. Why, you dummy. It's very hot in Africa. How how could the soldiers have a white Christmas? Their cook is gonna bleach the beans. The Castella, it's about time you were thinking of Christmas. Do you realize there are only eight shopping days left? You know, I just bought I just bought a hundred Christmas teals. A hundred Christmas teals? Sure. Goodness sakes. How are you gonna feed them? I no. Look. Look. Look, Castel, are you going to make much out of Christmas this year? Am I what? Are you going to make much out of Christmas this year? I can't tell until I sell the presents I get. I sell your presents. Oh, sure, rabbit. Sure. What are you talking about? I even sold that electric bed warmer you gave me last year. That was no good. That electric bed warmer? That was an electric toaster. An electric toaster? Certainly. No wonder it kept turning me over and throwing me out of bed.
Well well, Castell, I hope you're getting a present from my wife, Betty, this year. Get home. And I'll give you a little tip. Go ahead. What she really needs is a new girdle. A what? A girdle. Don't you know what a girdle is? Oh, sure. A girdle. It's it's it's one of those things. What is it? You gotta have when you have Yes. What if you don't, you're you're sort of got, Then I know. Come on. You got to, But what is it? It's one of those things that keeps an unhappy situation from spreading. Yeah. Yeah. Look. What about your own family, Costello? What are you going to give your kid brother Sebastian? Oh, him? Nothing. What do you mean? I gave him something last year. He didn't like it. And what did you give him? The measles. And did he use a rash word? Oh, toxins, please. Listen. This year, Abbot, you know what I'm gonna do? No. I don't know. I'm gonna spend all my money on that beautiful girl who lives next door to me, Ruby.
Wait a minute. Ruby. She's beauti Why she isn't beautiful? She she's got the worst complexion I ever saw. Well, she can't help that, Abbot. I mean, she got her face caught in the waffle iron. Now she has to pour her makeup on with a syrup pitcher. Look. What are you going to buy for Ruby? I'm gonna buy a piano. A a piano? What What kind of a piano? Maple, walnut, or cherry? Well, I'm gonna get her one of those tank. What kind? What did you say? I said maple, walnut, or cherry? Maple, walnut. Do you realize what you just said? Well, what's wrong? Shame on a piano. Wait a minute.
Shame on butter. What do you say? Take it easy. Take it easy. In front of Ken Lyle, our announcer. Shame on butter. Now wait a minute. Lou on. Alright. All I said was maple, walnut, or cherry? Here you go again. I'm glad I found you out, Patrick. What do you mean? What do you mean? You're a spy from the jello program. A bee. A bee. A bee. A maple or walnut or cheese? Not a pup or flavor. Geez. I I simply asked you the kind of wood. Oh, wood? What do I know about about the wood? What do you say? I'm a woodpecker? No. Certainly not. Did you not go around tasting pianos? Did I ask you that? You think every time I see a piano, I find it to see what flavor it is? Look, Costello. They they make pianos out of different kinds of wood. My mother in law's piano is maple, so she has a genuine bird's eye. I know that. She's got an eagle peak to go with it. No. Never mind my mother-in-law. Now you've got a lot of nerves spending your money on Ruby, a girl you hardly know. You never fought to ask me if I needed money for my Christmas shopping. You need money on it? Oh, well, now. Now now that you brought it up Now that I brought it up. Well, yes. You you then you just asked me if I needed money. Ladies and gentlemen, you have just seen what loose caulk can do when it reaches the enemy's ears. I I I'll wait. Slip with the lip can't take a shit. I will. And I have just been scheduled myself. Now look. Look. Look, Constella. All I need is $50. 50 dollars? Yes. Now look. If you lend me $50, what security would you want? Padlock, a pair of handcuffs, and a watch dog. No. No. No. And put your mama in a dungeon for security. No. Look. With your father. Well, now listen. The only security I can give you is the word of an honest man. Okay. Bring him around. I'll see what I can do for you. Up, You and I are pal. And to show you how much I like you, I'm going to let you lend me the $50. Whatever. All I got in my Christmas piggy bank is $40. Well, alright. Give me the $40, and you can owe me the 10. Okay. Here's the $40. Okay. Now I owe you 10. That's right. Who owns those 10? Now wait a minute. Just a minute. Wait. How much did I ask you for? You asked me for $50. And how much did you give me? I gave you all I had, $40. So you owe me $10? That's right. Why are you? I'm just kicking. I'm not sure. Alright. Let me go with that. Alright. You owe me $40, Stella. I don't like the way you're hedging on me. And I don't like the way you're clipping my head. Oh, come on, please.
Give me back my $40. Oh, okay. Okay. If that's the way you feel, I don't wanna do business with a man like you. Here's your $40. Oh, that's more like now give me the 10 you owe me. Okay. Here's your 10. Alright. I'm paying you on account. On account? On account. I don't know how come I owe it to you. You. Believe me, this is the last time I'll ever ask you for the lend loan of $50, Gustavo. Look. No. Never mind. How can I lend you $50 now? I only had $40 to start with. Oh. Now I only got $30. Well, okay. It'll make you happy. I'll do you a favor. Give me the $30, and you can owe me 20. This is getting worse all the time. Wait a minute. Now what's the matter? First, I owed you 10. Now I owe you 20. What kind of racket is that? Well, why do you let yourself run into debt? I didn't run into it. You pushed me. Abbott, did you ever hear the story of the 40 feet? Well, yeah.
What became of the other 39? I do the guy that says open says to me. Dallas, I I'm surprised here. I had lived that. That's not that. I'm surprised. Please. Why, I'm I I'm just like Santa Claus. You're better than Santa Claus. You bet I am. You can give me a sleigh ride without any reindeer. Oh. Alright, Costello. Come on. Let's go downtown to our Christmas shopping. Here comes the street car. The clang clang clang with the trolley. Costello, come here. You wanna get hit? Get out of there. Come over here. Stand here in the safety zone. You know what? In the safety zone. Don't you know why those safety zones are here? Sure. If you get hit inside the white lines, it don't count. Oh, be quiet, please. Here's the trolley now.
I have it. What? Look at the crowd. Let's be caught. Never mind. Go on. Shove your way in. Oh, young man. You can't squeeze in here. Okay, babe. Let's wait till we get off.
[00:07:28] Unknown:
You got your one line. Get your dough and get
[00:07:33] Unknown:
hey, you fat boy. Come on. Drop your pair in the butt. Here's the pair conductor. Give us two transfers. You won't need transfers. No? Then how are we gonna ride our next car without a transfer? Just tell the next conductor that Auroville sent you. Uh-oh. That guy's off his trolley. Oh, Come on, Carcilla. Let's step back in the car and find a seat. I hey. Look look look out for that man with an umbrella. Oh my goodness. What happened? Somebody just took my seat.
[00:08:03] Unknown:
Hey, you little short fat man. Can't you reach that stress? I think so. Then would you mind letting go of my daughter?
[00:08:19] Unknown:
They shouldn't let these poor people on streetcars. You shouldn't bring me on these crowded streetcars, have it? My uncle, Artie Stebbins, got his eye hurt in this crowded street car. Got his eye hurt? Yep. He had his eye on a seat. The fat lady came along and sat on it. Yeah. Yeah. Alright. Look. Let's stop this nonsense. See here. The car is stopping. Here. Let's get off. We're far enough downtown anyway. Okay. Come on. Get off. Get off. Get off. Get off. Hey. Don't push. Don't push. I'm not pushing. Get off. Hey, Ed. What? There's a headshot. I think I'm gonna get my mother a squirrel for Christmas. She needs a squirrel to help her do housework. Oh, how could a squirrel help her with the housework? Well, she can tie his tail up and let him run between the Venetian blinds. Don't be silly. Let's go in here to Bingle's department store.
[00:09:02] Unknown:
Hey, Abbott. Abbott. Fine. Look who's standing there with a carnation in his butthole. Hey. It's your kid brother, Sebastian. Come here, Sebastian. What are you doing in Bingle's department store? I'm a handyman, uncle Butt, and today, I'm working as a floor walker. How can you be a floor walker? You're too little. Well, they need a little guy like me. You see? When the people block up the aisle, I bite them on the leg and keep moving. Yes, Stella. Your kid brother has no business in this stall. He should be in school. Are you gonna go to school no more, uncle Bud? School is nothing but a racket. School is a racket? Yep. The kids do all the work, and the teachers get paid for it.
[00:09:37] Unknown:
Anyway, I had a fight with my teacher. A fight? Yeah. This morning, I held up my hand, and and and the teacher said, Sebastian, do you wanna leave the room? And what did you say? I said, you don't think I'm standing here? It's frightened to you. Sebastian. Let's see. Alright. Alright. I can imagine. Listen, Sebastian. Now if you don't go back to school, I'm not going to give you this beautiful animal picture book for Christmas. Oh, but let me see the animals fall. Ain't that a pretty nice book? Isn't it pretty? What's the name of this animal over here, Uncle Buck? Oh, you should know the name of that animal, Sebastian? Just look at that graceful body, the slim legs, and the long ant wisdom. I I don't seem to recognize it. Oh, come Sebastian. You know this animal's name. Here, I'll make it easy for you. What does your mother call your father? Don't tell me that's a lost. Hey, love. Hey,
[00:10:29] Unknown:
Evan. I store. That I am. That I am, my little man. I'm in full charge of the dry goods department. How about sundries? Sundries is my day off. I owe. Well, gentlemen, what can I do for you? Here I got some delicious pajamas for only $30.
[00:10:55] Unknown:
30 dollars for pajamas? Yeah. Look, Kitzel. Mhmm. Here's $15. Just give me the top hat. I'll send it to my uncle Mike Perrell and Patterson. Oh, Costello. You can't send just the tops of the pajamas. Oh, sure. I can. I'll put a card in it that says Merry Christmas from the waist up. Look, I still you've only got $40. And remember, you wanted to buy an easy chair for your father. Woo hoo. And I've got just the easy chair you're looking at. That's a genuine mohair.
[00:11:21] Unknown:
The seat is covered with mohair. The back is covered with mohair, and it's got a footstool also covered with mohair. Everything is covered with mohair. Uh-huh. Yeah. I'll bet Moe hasn't got a hair left in his head.
[00:11:34] Unknown:
Moe hasn't got a hair.
[00:11:37] Unknown:
That's a slick one.
[00:11:41] Unknown:
That was Moshe. No. No, Costello. How about that piano you wanted to buy for your girlfriend Ruby? Woo hoo. Now you're talking my language. You know, I'm the head fish in the piano department. The head fish? Yeah. I'm a piano tuner. You're not. Alright. I I don't want it. You don't worry. You know, today, I got a special on a slightly used player piano with three dozen piano rolls. Oh, I bought a bunch of those those music rolls last week, and I papered my little walls with them. And, boy, were they noisy. Noisy? Yeah. Every time I sneeze, the walls play milkman pizza bottles quiet.
It was a beautiful 12 carat stone. Yeah. What a sparkler. It scares me every time she wears it. Are you afraid she'll lose it? No. But if she ever drops it, she'll have seven years bad luck. I love, don't be silly, Costello. Say, have you noticed how bright and and and happy and cheerful all these characters are? They should be. Have have you noticed all of them? Well, look at that game. They're all full of the spirit of mule tide. Yeah. The mule tide is all Mule tide. Mule tide? Mule tide. You mean yuletide. Outside what? No. No. No. But speak speaking of mules, hey. Here's the coupon. Now that gives me a very, very bright idea. Why don't you buy your girlfriend a pair of mules?
A pair of what? What do you say to a pair of mules? I say woah or get out. I mean, if you're stubborn, I wouldn't. Just tell him, look. I'm talking about a pair like Bailey, I'd put him on and wouldn't good. Alright. Look at him. Will you listen to me, please? I'm talking about a pair of bedroom mules. Oh, what? Bedroom mule. Bedroom mule? Yes. My wife has all kinds of mules in her bedroom. Red mule, green mule. She even has a pair of checkered mule. Damn it. Did you see all these different colored mules with your own eyes? Well, certainly, I why not? I see them every night. In fact, I saw them this morning. All the colored mules? Every one of them. Let me smell your breath. There you are. I'll behave. Look you, dummy. Doesn't your mother have mules in her bedroom? No. My father's very particular.
When your mother gets up in the morning, what does she put on her feet? Go on, bless her. Oh, no. No. No. Please. Please. Go. She must have some kind of mule. Look. There are two kind of mule. Silk and felt. Elf? Yes. Yes. Yes. Hasn't your mother felt mules? No, sir. She never touches any kind of animal. Oh, Especially when she's cooking. No. No. Look. Look. Forget that. Forget about the atom. Oui. Look. Every woman likes mules. My wife uses a pair of music around the house in. What's the matter? Is she too lazy to walk? No. No. Look. When she gets up in the morning, she always slips on her mule. It's her own fault. Why don't she keep my the backyard? Listen. If my wife beats her mule, she keep her feet warm. You mean you all sleep in the same bed?
Sleep in the same bed? My wife keeps her mules under the bed. For goodness sakes. Does the border health complain?
[00:14:53] Unknown:
Oh, look. Let's get the whole thing. Here I am trying to help you with your Christmas shopping, and what do I get? A lot of idiotic talk. So, Ponds and gentlemen, is there anything I can do for you? We carry a full line of cosmetics, bruise, powder, lipstick, face cream, and cleansing tissue. Placing what? Tissue. Tissue.
[00:15:09] Unknown:
Well, it seems kinda tilly, but if you wanna piss me, go ahead.
[00:15:31] Unknown:
Take a whiff of this. It's called one night in Paris. One night in Paris? Yeah. Take a whiff of this.
[00:15:36] Unknown:
My goodness. What is that? Five days at the racetrack. Right? Rustello, look. Let me handle this, please. Look, madam. My friend here is a little confused. He doesn't know what to get his girl for Christmas. Aw. Well, maybe I can help. I wish you would, please. What kind of a complexion does your girlfriend have? Fair, dark, or medium? She's speckled.
[00:15:59] Unknown:
Speckled? You mean she has a complexion of an off? Yes, ma'am. Pits and all.
[00:16:06] Unknown:
Well, from your description of the girl, I imagine she could use one of our facial kits. One of your what? The the lady wants to sell you a kit. What I wanna buy a kit for? I'm gonna get married and have kids on my arm.
[00:16:19] Unknown:
Oh, no. No. No. You see, you don't understand. This is a beauty kit with full instructions. All your girlfriend has to do is apply some of this lotion. Then she covers her face with a white of an egg, some sour cream, and a keg of yeast. Oh, she did that once. Yeah. What happened? The next morning, she broke out in biscuits.
[00:16:38] Unknown:
Kiss you. Kiss
[00:16:40] Unknown:
Kiss you. Kiss the kiss rock. Never mind, Wyatt.
[00:16:43] Unknown:
Never mind. No remarks, Judge Lopby. You silly, silly boy. You tickle me.
[00:16:48] Unknown:
Oh, here we go again.
[00:16:51] Unknown:
You tickle me first. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. You
[00:17:12] Unknown:
What are you saying? I don't want you to get away now. How about something for the young lady's hair? Does she have a snooze?
[00:17:17] Unknown:
Tell me she's got a snooze. Yeah?
[00:17:20] Unknown:
Well, is it a long snood that hangs on her back? No. It's a short snood that turns up at the end.
[00:17:27] Unknown:
She's a very snooty thing. Because Stella, the lady is talking about your girlfriend's hairdo.
[00:17:32] Unknown:
Yeah. What's your girlfriend's hairdo?
[00:17:35] Unknown:
What's her hair do? Yeah. That's what I said. It comes out when she combs it.
[00:17:42] Unknown:
Oh, Crastella, we're trying to find out how does she how does she do what does she do with her hair? Does she, pile it on top of her head, or does she drop it down her neck? She just hangs it in the closet. I don't know. Yeah, dummy. Some some women look. Some women wear buns in their hair, and some have rats. Rats? Yes. Yes. My mother had a rat in her hair for years. That's no way to talk about your fire. Look, Costello. Does miss Poulcu wear her hair off her face? No. It takes too long to wear it off. She has to pull it out with a tweed. Hey. That's that's a little snow wave talk about your girlfriend. That's slander. Lander? Yes. Don't you know what slander is? Sure. Slander. Yeah. Tall and skinny. And that has nothing to do with my girl. She's short and fat like me. Only I'm prettier than she is.
[00:18:31] Unknown:
Say, you say your girl is short and fat. I've got just the Christmas present for her, our special weight reducing machine called the melt your belt away fat cabinet. There it is standing right there. Costello, that sounds good. How much does your girl weigh? Two hundred and forty pounds with her good luck. Well, how much does she weigh with the dog? I don't know. She's never been able to get it off. Well, now this machine will take your girl's fat off. If you don't believe it, get into the machine and try it don't
[00:19:01] Unknown:
wanna get in. Out if it works. I am. Get in there. Come on. Get in there. Get in there.
[00:19:07] Unknown:
I got it. Now that's a good boy. Now we'll turn on the machine, and you'll see how it melts it that way.
[00:19:28] Unknown:
Castello? Castello, where are you? Speak to me. Castello, where are you? I'm not here, Robert. But all I see is a little puddle of water. Well, don't step in it. It's me.
