In this lively episode, Ryan shares his enthusiasm for Chumba Casino, a social casino-style gaming platform that offers a variety of games to play for free anytime, anywhere. He recounts a humorous incident on a flight where he and a fellow passenger were both engrossed in Chumba Casino games, highlighting the platform's widespread appeal and the joy it brings to everyday life. Ryan encourages listeners to sign up and enjoy the daily bonuses that can brighten up mundane routines.
The episode takes a comedic turn with a classic Abbott and Costello sketch, filled with witty banter and slapstick humor. The duo engages in a series of hilarious exchanges, touching on topics from absurd inventions to family antics, and even a mock detective story featuring Sam Shovel. The sketch is a delightful throwback to old-time radio comedy, showcasing Abbott and Costello's timeless comedic chemistry and quick wit. Listeners are treated to a nostalgic and entertaining experience that blends modern gaming fun with vintage humor.
(00:00) Introduction and Chumba Casino
(01:01) Abbott and Costello's Hollywood Adventures
(05:02) Costello's School Days and Family Life
(08:19) Viola's Visit and Hollywood Tales
(14:29) Sam Shovel: The Case of the Sailor
(19:13) Lieutenant Abbott and the Crooked Musician
(22:12) Two Gun Gertie's Dilemma
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[00:00:00]
Unknown:
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[00:01:16] Unknown:
Well, it's about time you got here. Where were you? Well, Abbott, I'm at all the crown heads of Hollywood today. Costello, there are no crown heads in Hollywood. Abbott, you never walked to a pickle line, have you? Stop this nonsense. Tell me where you've been. Well, I was helping my uncle Mike with his new invention. He's invented a plane that goes 5,000 miles an hour and goes to London in five minutes. Wait a minute. If it goes 5,000 miles an hour and goes to London in five minutes, how how does it stop? Let London get a guy to work on that. Cicely, your uncle Mike is as big a dope as you are. Yeah. Well, my uncle Mike's a smart man, Abbot. For ten years, he ran the Chase National Bank for the investors. He did? Yes, sir. And for the next ten years, investors ran a national chase for uncle Mike.
Has uncle Mike ever been in jail, Lou? Yes. One time he got so full of Christmas spirit that they threw him in jail for singing Christmas carols. Lots of people sing Christmas carol. On the July 4? Poor Uncle Mike. He's in the hospital. He's got a mule on his nose. Not a mule. You mean a mole? No. Not after the mule kicked him in the kisser. He's got a mule there. Marcela, what keeps you from being the biggest idiot in the world? I guess I'm too fat for my height. Oh, get him out of here. Alright. Alright. Come out of here. Where have you been? I was across the street having a beef stew. Well, how was it? Terrible. It had nothing in it but beef tongue and oxtail. Well, what's wrong with beef tongues and oxtail? Nothing. But who's getting all that stuff in between?
I fuck. Hey, Lou. Why don't you come over to my house for dinner? We always have a have a crowd. My wife's dinners are talk of the town, and they're always informal. What do you mean informal? Well, we don't dress for our dinners. No wonder they're the talk of the town. I Well, one thing, there's always plenty of meat at our house. Last time I was here, your wife gave me a rabbit stew. And the next day when I come over, your cat was missing. Just a minute. Are you trying to insinuate that that my wife served you cat meat? All I know is every time I met a dog on the street, my back arches. My wife is a very particular cook. Her kitchen is immaculate.
That's more than I can say about your aunt May. Her kitchen is a disgrace. Her sink is filled with eggshells. The drawers in her kitchen cabinet are full of carrot tops and wilted lettuce. She's sloppy. She is not. That's her hobby. Not? She collects garbage. You know, garbage is the same as antiques. Garbage is the same as antiques. Certainly. It's a collector's item, ain't it? Castelli, you must study to be an ignoramus. You couldn't be any dumber if you if you weren't twins. Oh, yes. I could. If I was twins, it'd be two of us, and we could help each other. And so I don't know why I associate with you. I'm a college man, a fraternity man. See this? Mhmm. Probably better than a capper.
Look at this. What's that? Half a can of tuna. You got trouble this. You're illiterate. You spend your spare time why don't you spend your spare time reading, Lou, trying to improve your mind? Take me. I read a lot. There's nothing to improve. You're thinking like a a bookcase well stacked. Abbott, when I think of something well stacked, I ain't thinking of a bookcase. Castello man would have to go a long way to meet a dope as stupid as you. No. No. He wouldn't. I'm willing to travel. I am. The trouble with you is that you're a you're an ignoramus. Do you know what an ignoramus is? Sure. And I like his partner too. His partner. Ain't you ever heard of Vigna, Amos, and Andy? No. No. That's a sample of your mentality. Costello, you ought to see a psychiatrist. I went to one last week. He told me I got a split personality. I'm really two people at it. You've got enough personality to split split with 10 people.
Just a minute. Don't laugh. Show me where it says that in a second. Never mind. Now watch out, Abbott. You're getting me mad. I can hardly hold my temper in. It's kinda silly for you to hold your temper in when when the rest of you is spread out all over the place. Are we both on the same page? I don't know. Certainly, we are. The trouble with you is you can't read. You never went to school. I just saw. I went to Colt Hill High School in Paterson, New Jersey. Oh, wait a minute. When did you go to high school? 09/11/1935. You mean you mean you only went one day?
You mean you're supposed to go back? I now one day you're so stupid. I can't help it happen. I've led a very sad life. When I was a kid, my father used to beat me over the head with a baseball bat. My mother used to beat me over the head with a baseball bat. My brother Pat used to hit me over the head with a baseball bat. My uncle Mike used to hit me over the head with a baseball bat. My uncle Jimmy Kelly used to hit me over the head with a baseball bat. My goodness. Everybody hit me over the head with a baseball bat. That was a terrible family. Yeah. What a baseball team we had. Alright. You must have been a pretty tough kid to stay in all that abuse. I was pretty tough kid, Abbot. I belong to the toughest gang in Paterson. We were so tough that when we walked down Main Street, Mucker Street, even the sewers backed up.
Did any of your old gang become successful, Lou? Oh, yes. They did. Did you ever hear Joe Bussell? Yeah. He went into business. He's making he's making money hand over fist. No. No. You mean hand over fist. He's in a tire business, and it in that business, it's hand over fist. But I no. I remember Bozzo. You know, I seem to remember him. Wasn't he the kid that got lost? Wasn't he the kid that got lost in the woods? Yes. He was in the woods for five days. Had nothing to eat but pine needles. Pine needles? Yep. They have any bad effect on him? Well, only when he got home, his mother made him a big dish of spaghetti in his stomach, knitted a pair of socks out of it. Well, you ought to be ashamed of yourself. Everybody in that gang, they they all amounted to something but except you. I'm doing alright, Adam. And only yesterday, MGM called me up and wanted to use me in a screen test, but I turned him down. You turned down a screen test. Why? They wanted to throw me against it to see if it was strong.
You didn't work for anybody. I ought to get rid of you myself and get myself another partner.
[00:08:39] Unknown:
Who would work with you?
[00:08:41] Unknown:
Oh, I could work with a cow. Like, I could get lots of laughs. Would you get a lot of lambs with a cow? You'd be surprised at the things I could pull on her. Hello, boys. Hey. Look. Estelle was our secretary, Viole Von. Oh, I feel so good tonight. Just a minute, Viola. I object the way you come in here every week and hug and kiss me. I don't hug and kiss you. I know. That's what I object to. Viola, you look lovely tonight. That's a beautiful dress you have on. Do you like it? It's made of jersey. Looks a little tight around Patterson.
[00:09:23] Unknown:
It's supposed to be tight. It's it's a a half and half dress. It's half cocktail and half dinner gown. Which half are you wearing? Never mind him. Have you heard from your folks since you've, been out here? Oh, yes. I got a car this morning. They're driving out, and last night, they stopped a little place outside New Orleans called Howes Bayou. Howes Bayou? Fine. Howes Bayou?
[00:09:49] Unknown:
If this keeps up, I'm gonna turn my ice machine business. What'd you say? If this keeps up, I'm gonna turn my ice machine business over to my brother Pat. Well, pay no attention to Piazza. He's just jealous. I am not. Well, mister Abbott is right, Costello. I can see right through you. Well, it was a little warm today to wear a slip. Costello, you're not fooling anybody. Viola is getting wise to you. Last week was her birthday, and you didn't even buy her a present. Well, I didn't really expect anybody. I think Costello is the type that gets cheap around Christmas time. Just a minute, Viola. That's a nasty thing to say.
Costello gets cheap around Christmas time. Thanks, Abbott. Uh-huh. Costello is just as cheap all the rest of the year. If the Plaster's Union is listening, have Butt Abbott's overalls ready in the morning. Yeah. But it'll be back on the job. I'll cut it up, Gastel. You're just jealous because Viola and I are more popular than you are. You're popular? Certainly. Have you noticed every week when I come to the broadcast, there's a mob outside that grabs me and asks me for my autograph? Sure. But Abbott, I'm asking you. Do you think it's worth it? What do you mean is it worth it? Dressing up every Thursday like Dinah Shore. I you see Viola? He is jealous of our popularity. Go ahead, Viola. Tell him how popular you are. Well, I don't like to brag, Costello, but I was over at RKO yesterday and walked on a set, and Cary Grant kissed me three times. So what? I was over at MGM yesterday. I bent over to tie my shoe, and last, she licked my face.
Gastel, have you been showing Viola around Hollywood the way you promised? Sure. I took her to Republic studios. All the cowboys were there. Didn't we have fun, Viola? Oh, yes, Costello. It sure was funny when you ran in that dark closet to play post office, and that cowboy shoved his horse in with you. His horse?
[00:11:50] Unknown:
This is terrible.
[00:11:52] Unknown:
I'll see you later. Where are you going? Oh, where am I going? I gotta go over that corral and get back my fraternity pen. Now get out of here and stay out of here. Who hit you? Sound man. I like to I like to fool around with the sound effects. Every time I go over there and and touch the stuff, he hits me. Is that so? Yeah. You can't do that to my partner. Come on. We're going over there, and we'll tell him. Now there's the sound effects department, Abbot. Go ahead. Fine. Fool around with anything you like. Thanks, man. Blow the whistle. What is it? This is oh, boy. This is fun. Make a stream.
[00:12:40] Unknown:
Yeah.
[00:12:41] Unknown:
So you're fooling around with my stuff again. Hey? Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. What are you doing to me? Ain't you gonna say something? I certainly am. What? Abbott, if you don't stop fooling with this guy's stuff, he's gonna knock your brains out. This is all my fault for listening to you. From now on, I'll take care of myself. I can stand up for my rights. Why does the stand up for your rights for that guy? How could I? His left kept knocking me down. Let's go back there, rabbit. Somebody's righting us wrong. Let's go back there, rabbit. I'll take care of you. I'm plenty tough. Here. Feel my muscle. Go ahead and feel it. Muscle.
I can't feel anything but a a red clamsal. Yeah. Ain't you got a hard head? Boy, you kidding. I'm the guy's got muscle. I used to be a price fighter. I was one of the cleanest fighters in the ring. You should've. You should've been. They threw enough water on you. I'm the guy that could fight. I remember the last guy I fought. I hit him so hard that he hollowed knuckle. Well, who who are you fighting with? My little three year old nephew, Tony. I thought so. You you can't fight and you can't act. In fact, none of your family has any talent. Just a minute. Yeah. How about my cousin Vincent? He had a great voice, but he could only sing while taking a bath. They used to wheel him out on the station in a bathtub. He'd sing sing while taking a bath, but they fired him after his first performance. Right. When the people started applauding, he forgot himself and stood up and took a bow. What is he doing now? Writing songs.
You should hear his new song. He took a little of it from Ervin Berlin, a little from Cole Porter, a little from Sigmund Rundberg. What did he get? Three lawsuits. Forget about your cousin. Wait a minute. What's all that mail doing in your pockets? Abbott, that's my fair mail. Everybody in the country is talking about my great character, Sam Shovel. Here, I'll read one. Dear Lou Costello, I'm simply crazy about your Sam Shovel detective programs. Last week, as I sat listening to your show, you were so thrilling, I froze to my seat. I'm coming over tonight to see it. There's a guy out here to see you, Costello. What does he look like? He's a short man with a frozen seat.
Come on, Costello. Let's get on with the show. What is your, Sam's Shovel case for tonight? One of my smaller cases have it. I call it the case of the sailor who was shot while having Henry Lamar and Lana turn his pictures on his chest, or he died with his buttes on. Sounds simplistic. Let's do it. Okay.
[00:15:21] Unknown:
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[00:16:30] Unknown:
detective. Yes. I'm Sam Shubble. Sam Shubble, private detective. I don't feel so good today. Last night, my fraternity invited me to a football dinner. That's the last time I'll eat football for dinner. I'm kind of tired too. I travel all night. I rode the chief in from Albuquerque. Next time, I'm gonna take a train so I didn't piggyback on an Indian as murder. I was down there trying to get a conviction on one of my cases, Maxi, the murderer, but he had a clever lawyer. I charged him with murder, but the jury whitewashed him. I charged him with larceny, but the jury whitewashed him. And I took him to a Turkish bath. I had to get all that whitewash open.
My correspondence is pile piled up away while locked while I was away. I see a carbon copy of the letter I sent to Sears and Roebuck for a pair of handcuffs. It reads, send handcuffs. If good, we'll send check. Then I pick up their answer. It reads, send check. If good, we'll send handcuffs. That reminds me I may get called on another case. I think I'll clean my Remington before I put it back in my pocket. Someday, I'm gonna buy a gun. I get tired carrying a typewriter in my pocket. Suddenly, I look up there on the wall of my office is an oil painting. Bought it last year. It's pretty.
Well, it's a lot of trouble. Every day, I gotta oil it. I glance across the court. The beautiful sonographer in the insurance office is just coming to work. She's punching the time clock. Clock punched her back. I pick up her morning paper on the front page. There's a picture of John l Lewis. John l Lewis on the front page. I study his face. I'm trying to figure which eyebrow has the Tony. Looks like another slow day for the detective business. As I sit here in my little office, I'm unhappy. I'm down in the dumps. Whenever I'm in this office, I feel down in the dumps. That's not strange. My office is located at the dumps.
Also, my office is a stationary store. There's no sign on it, but I'm sure it's a stationary store. I've been watching it for two years. It hasn't moved an inch. I just remember last week, my pal, Lieutenant Abbott, invited me to dinner, and I must send his wife a bread and butter note. That's a sloppy job. There's nothing I hate worse than writing on bread and butter. I glanced out at the window in the parking lot. They're getting ready to move my car again to let another one out. I hope the owner moves it, not the reckless attendant. Thank goodness, the owner moved it.
I noticed my pal, Lieutenant Abbot in the homicide squad coming this way. He's a regular bloodhound. When he's after a crook, he can smell a trail. In fact, he smells any place. One thing about lieutenant Abbott, he speaks straight from the shoulder. He's got to. That's where his mouth is. Just then, lieutenant Abbott walks into the office. Hello, same trouble. Sam, I just had the most sensational lunch. What a meal. I ordered pork chops, bacon, fried ham, pig's knuckle. Lieutenant Abbot each, he goes hog wild. Well, a cop has got to keep his strength up, Sam. I never know when I'll get in a fight. Lieutenant Abbot is right. One thing I'll say for him, he never ran away from a fight. He always takes a taxi. Ma'am, I'm I'm happy today. I'm feeling pretty chipper.
I'm really chipper. Lieutenant Abbott is not lying. Nobody is chipper than he is. He's the chippest man I ever met. He lives at the Fiddle Hotel. It's a violin. Room for a dollar a night and up. If you get a room for a dollar, you're up all night. Ma'am, I thought I read something moving. Sound came from that bureau. We crossed the office to the bureau and started opening the drawers.
[00:20:32] Unknown:
There's nobody here.
[00:20:35] Unknown:
You won't find me here. It's my bureau of missing persons. Speaking of missing person, Sam, what happened to that crooked musician you were trailing? Lieutenant Abbott was referring to Matty Benjohead Malnik, the leader of one of the crookedest bands in this country. Sam, how can you say that? Matty's boys are all artists. They must be artists. I know they're not musicians. Lieutenant, when Matty bends your head mounted like Kurt, that was after him. He took it on the lam. That was three weeks ago. Hi. You're Sam Shovel? He's still on that lam.
[00:21:12] Unknown:
Sam, you gotta help me. That Bergman gang is trying to shake me down for $10,000, and I'm afraid I'll have to pay through the nose. Why should you have to pay through the nose? That's where I keep my money.
[00:21:25] Unknown:
What a clever crook that Malik is. When he needs money, he don't have to blow a safe. He just blows his nose. Just look at it. I'd like to have his nose full of Canadian nickels.
[00:21:38] Unknown:
Malik, you'll have to get out of here. Sam and I are talking business. I'll go, but first I wanna give Sam this batch of cookies I baked for him. Here, Sam, they're your favorite kind, policeman cookie. Policeman cookies. Sure. Ain't you never heard of cop cakes?
[00:21:52] Unknown:
It's a long time. Everybody's got good riders but me. I'm gonna have to start paying next week. That malnick is a very clever boy. He ought to go over to the Eagle Laundry and put his head in with the flatwork. Yeah. Never mind him, Sam. Hey. Look who's coming across the street. It's two gun Gertie. Two gun Gertie, the gorgeous gun mall. Once I asked her to marry me, but she refused, she's too class conscious. Gertie is class conscious? I ain't got no class, and she's conscious of it. It. Just as I finished making this clever remark, the door burst open and Gertie entered my office.
[00:22:33] Unknown:
Sam. Sam, shovel my darling. Oh, Sam. You gotta help me. What's up, Gertie? The cops are after me. They think I'm hiding something. They think I've got it on me. You may have it on you, but you sure ain't hiding anything. Careful, Sam. She's up to something. Oh, Sam. You gotta help me. If you do, I'll be your slave. I'll cook for you. I'll bake for you. I'll I'll I'll sew for you. I'll Keep going, Gert. You're bound to eat something I like. You're a card, Sam. Come here. I'm gonna let you kiss me.
[00:23:18] Unknown:
Sam, where are your manners? Where are your manners? How dare you kiss this gun right before me? Wait your turn, lieutenant. I'll kiss you next.
[00:23:30] Unknown:
Sam, Sam, why don't we start going steady again? We could be so happy. Look out the window, Sam. See those two lovebirds in that tree? Yeah. Why can't we be like them and do what they're doing?
[00:23:43] Unknown:
Okay. But I don't think the branches will hold us. Sam, this is ridiculous. You're a cop and she's a crook.
[00:23:59] Unknown:
She's not for you. Keep out of this flatfoot. I'll prove to Sam that I'm the girl for him. I'll give him a kiss. It'll bust the buttons off his vest. That that I'd like to see. Come here, Sam.
[00:24:19] Unknown:
Sam. Sam. Sam. Sam shovel. Say something. Has any lady in the audience got needle and thread?
[00:24:43] Unknown:
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Hello. It is Ryan, and we could all use an extra bright spot in our day, couldn't we? Just to make up for things like sitting in traffic, doing the dishes, counting your steps, you know, all the mundane stuff. That is why I'm such a big fan of Chumba Casino. Chumba Casino has all your favorite social casino style games that you can play for free anytime, anywhere with daily bonuses. That should brighten your day, actually, a lot. So sign up now at Chumbacasino.com. That's ChumbaCasino.com. No purchase necessary. DGW. Point prohibited by law. See, terms and conditions, 18 plus. Hello. It is Ryan, and I was on a flight the other day playing one of my favorite social spin slot games on Chumbacasino.com. I looked over the person sitting next to me, and you know what they were doing? They were also playing Chumba casino. Coincidence? I think not. Everybody's loving having fun with it. Chumba Casino is home to hundreds of casino style games that you can play for free anytime, anywhere even at 30,000 feet. So sign up now at chumbacasino.com to claim your free welcome bonus at chumbacasino.com and live the Chumba life. No purchase necessary. VWO, void, prohibited by law. See terms and conditions, 18 plus. What happened and Lou Costello?
[00:01:16] Unknown:
Well, it's about time you got here. Where were you? Well, Abbott, I'm at all the crown heads of Hollywood today. Costello, there are no crown heads in Hollywood. Abbott, you never walked to a pickle line, have you? Stop this nonsense. Tell me where you've been. Well, I was helping my uncle Mike with his new invention. He's invented a plane that goes 5,000 miles an hour and goes to London in five minutes. Wait a minute. If it goes 5,000 miles an hour and goes to London in five minutes, how how does it stop? Let London get a guy to work on that. Cicely, your uncle Mike is as big a dope as you are. Yeah. Well, my uncle Mike's a smart man, Abbot. For ten years, he ran the Chase National Bank for the investors. He did? Yes, sir. And for the next ten years, investors ran a national chase for uncle Mike.
Has uncle Mike ever been in jail, Lou? Yes. One time he got so full of Christmas spirit that they threw him in jail for singing Christmas carols. Lots of people sing Christmas carol. On the July 4? Poor Uncle Mike. He's in the hospital. He's got a mule on his nose. Not a mule. You mean a mole? No. Not after the mule kicked him in the kisser. He's got a mule there. Marcela, what keeps you from being the biggest idiot in the world? I guess I'm too fat for my height. Oh, get him out of here. Alright. Alright. Come out of here. Where have you been? I was across the street having a beef stew. Well, how was it? Terrible. It had nothing in it but beef tongue and oxtail. Well, what's wrong with beef tongues and oxtail? Nothing. But who's getting all that stuff in between?
I fuck. Hey, Lou. Why don't you come over to my house for dinner? We always have a have a crowd. My wife's dinners are talk of the town, and they're always informal. What do you mean informal? Well, we don't dress for our dinners. No wonder they're the talk of the town. I Well, one thing, there's always plenty of meat at our house. Last time I was here, your wife gave me a rabbit stew. And the next day when I come over, your cat was missing. Just a minute. Are you trying to insinuate that that my wife served you cat meat? All I know is every time I met a dog on the street, my back arches. My wife is a very particular cook. Her kitchen is immaculate.
That's more than I can say about your aunt May. Her kitchen is a disgrace. Her sink is filled with eggshells. The drawers in her kitchen cabinet are full of carrot tops and wilted lettuce. She's sloppy. She is not. That's her hobby. Not? She collects garbage. You know, garbage is the same as antiques. Garbage is the same as antiques. Certainly. It's a collector's item, ain't it? Castelli, you must study to be an ignoramus. You couldn't be any dumber if you if you weren't twins. Oh, yes. I could. If I was twins, it'd be two of us, and we could help each other. And so I don't know why I associate with you. I'm a college man, a fraternity man. See this? Mhmm. Probably better than a capper.
Look at this. What's that? Half a can of tuna. You got trouble this. You're illiterate. You spend your spare time why don't you spend your spare time reading, Lou, trying to improve your mind? Take me. I read a lot. There's nothing to improve. You're thinking like a a bookcase well stacked. Abbott, when I think of something well stacked, I ain't thinking of a bookcase. Castello man would have to go a long way to meet a dope as stupid as you. No. No. He wouldn't. I'm willing to travel. I am. The trouble with you is that you're a you're an ignoramus. Do you know what an ignoramus is? Sure. And I like his partner too. His partner. Ain't you ever heard of Vigna, Amos, and Andy? No. No. That's a sample of your mentality. Costello, you ought to see a psychiatrist. I went to one last week. He told me I got a split personality. I'm really two people at it. You've got enough personality to split split with 10 people.
Just a minute. Don't laugh. Show me where it says that in a second. Never mind. Now watch out, Abbott. You're getting me mad. I can hardly hold my temper in. It's kinda silly for you to hold your temper in when when the rest of you is spread out all over the place. Are we both on the same page? I don't know. Certainly, we are. The trouble with you is you can't read. You never went to school. I just saw. I went to Colt Hill High School in Paterson, New Jersey. Oh, wait a minute. When did you go to high school? 09/11/1935. You mean you mean you only went one day?
You mean you're supposed to go back? I now one day you're so stupid. I can't help it happen. I've led a very sad life. When I was a kid, my father used to beat me over the head with a baseball bat. My mother used to beat me over the head with a baseball bat. My brother Pat used to hit me over the head with a baseball bat. My uncle Mike used to hit me over the head with a baseball bat. My uncle Jimmy Kelly used to hit me over the head with a baseball bat. My goodness. Everybody hit me over the head with a baseball bat. That was a terrible family. Yeah. What a baseball team we had. Alright. You must have been a pretty tough kid to stay in all that abuse. I was pretty tough kid, Abbot. I belong to the toughest gang in Paterson. We were so tough that when we walked down Main Street, Mucker Street, even the sewers backed up.
Did any of your old gang become successful, Lou? Oh, yes. They did. Did you ever hear Joe Bussell? Yeah. He went into business. He's making he's making money hand over fist. No. No. You mean hand over fist. He's in a tire business, and it in that business, it's hand over fist. But I no. I remember Bozzo. You know, I seem to remember him. Wasn't he the kid that got lost? Wasn't he the kid that got lost in the woods? Yes. He was in the woods for five days. Had nothing to eat but pine needles. Pine needles? Yep. They have any bad effect on him? Well, only when he got home, his mother made him a big dish of spaghetti in his stomach, knitted a pair of socks out of it. Well, you ought to be ashamed of yourself. Everybody in that gang, they they all amounted to something but except you. I'm doing alright, Adam. And only yesterday, MGM called me up and wanted to use me in a screen test, but I turned him down. You turned down a screen test. Why? They wanted to throw me against it to see if it was strong.
You didn't work for anybody. I ought to get rid of you myself and get myself another partner.
[00:08:39] Unknown:
Who would work with you?
[00:08:41] Unknown:
Oh, I could work with a cow. Like, I could get lots of laughs. Would you get a lot of lambs with a cow? You'd be surprised at the things I could pull on her. Hello, boys. Hey. Look. Estelle was our secretary, Viole Von. Oh, I feel so good tonight. Just a minute, Viola. I object the way you come in here every week and hug and kiss me. I don't hug and kiss you. I know. That's what I object to. Viola, you look lovely tonight. That's a beautiful dress you have on. Do you like it? It's made of jersey. Looks a little tight around Patterson.
[00:09:23] Unknown:
It's supposed to be tight. It's it's a a half and half dress. It's half cocktail and half dinner gown. Which half are you wearing? Never mind him. Have you heard from your folks since you've, been out here? Oh, yes. I got a car this morning. They're driving out, and last night, they stopped a little place outside New Orleans called Howes Bayou. Howes Bayou? Fine. Howes Bayou?
[00:09:49] Unknown:
If this keeps up, I'm gonna turn my ice machine business. What'd you say? If this keeps up, I'm gonna turn my ice machine business over to my brother Pat. Well, pay no attention to Piazza. He's just jealous. I am not. Well, mister Abbott is right, Costello. I can see right through you. Well, it was a little warm today to wear a slip. Costello, you're not fooling anybody. Viola is getting wise to you. Last week was her birthday, and you didn't even buy her a present. Well, I didn't really expect anybody. I think Costello is the type that gets cheap around Christmas time. Just a minute, Viola. That's a nasty thing to say.
Costello gets cheap around Christmas time. Thanks, Abbott. Uh-huh. Costello is just as cheap all the rest of the year. If the Plaster's Union is listening, have Butt Abbott's overalls ready in the morning. Yeah. But it'll be back on the job. I'll cut it up, Gastel. You're just jealous because Viola and I are more popular than you are. You're popular? Certainly. Have you noticed every week when I come to the broadcast, there's a mob outside that grabs me and asks me for my autograph? Sure. But Abbott, I'm asking you. Do you think it's worth it? What do you mean is it worth it? Dressing up every Thursday like Dinah Shore. I you see Viola? He is jealous of our popularity. Go ahead, Viola. Tell him how popular you are. Well, I don't like to brag, Costello, but I was over at RKO yesterday and walked on a set, and Cary Grant kissed me three times. So what? I was over at MGM yesterday. I bent over to tie my shoe, and last, she licked my face.
Gastel, have you been showing Viola around Hollywood the way you promised? Sure. I took her to Republic studios. All the cowboys were there. Didn't we have fun, Viola? Oh, yes, Costello. It sure was funny when you ran in that dark closet to play post office, and that cowboy shoved his horse in with you. His horse?
[00:11:50] Unknown:
This is terrible.
[00:11:52] Unknown:
I'll see you later. Where are you going? Oh, where am I going? I gotta go over that corral and get back my fraternity pen. Now get out of here and stay out of here. Who hit you? Sound man. I like to I like to fool around with the sound effects. Every time I go over there and and touch the stuff, he hits me. Is that so? Yeah. You can't do that to my partner. Come on. We're going over there, and we'll tell him. Now there's the sound effects department, Abbot. Go ahead. Fine. Fool around with anything you like. Thanks, man. Blow the whistle. What is it? This is oh, boy. This is fun. Make a stream.
[00:12:40] Unknown:
Yeah.
[00:12:41] Unknown:
So you're fooling around with my stuff again. Hey? Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. What are you doing to me? Ain't you gonna say something? I certainly am. What? Abbott, if you don't stop fooling with this guy's stuff, he's gonna knock your brains out. This is all my fault for listening to you. From now on, I'll take care of myself. I can stand up for my rights. Why does the stand up for your rights for that guy? How could I? His left kept knocking me down. Let's go back there, rabbit. Somebody's righting us wrong. Let's go back there, rabbit. I'll take care of you. I'm plenty tough. Here. Feel my muscle. Go ahead and feel it. Muscle.
I can't feel anything but a a red clamsal. Yeah. Ain't you got a hard head? Boy, you kidding. I'm the guy's got muscle. I used to be a price fighter. I was one of the cleanest fighters in the ring. You should've. You should've been. They threw enough water on you. I'm the guy that could fight. I remember the last guy I fought. I hit him so hard that he hollowed knuckle. Well, who who are you fighting with? My little three year old nephew, Tony. I thought so. You you can't fight and you can't act. In fact, none of your family has any talent. Just a minute. Yeah. How about my cousin Vincent? He had a great voice, but he could only sing while taking a bath. They used to wheel him out on the station in a bathtub. He'd sing sing while taking a bath, but they fired him after his first performance. Right. When the people started applauding, he forgot himself and stood up and took a bow. What is he doing now? Writing songs.
You should hear his new song. He took a little of it from Ervin Berlin, a little from Cole Porter, a little from Sigmund Rundberg. What did he get? Three lawsuits. Forget about your cousin. Wait a minute. What's all that mail doing in your pockets? Abbott, that's my fair mail. Everybody in the country is talking about my great character, Sam Shovel. Here, I'll read one. Dear Lou Costello, I'm simply crazy about your Sam Shovel detective programs. Last week, as I sat listening to your show, you were so thrilling, I froze to my seat. I'm coming over tonight to see it. There's a guy out here to see you, Costello. What does he look like? He's a short man with a frozen seat.
Come on, Costello. Let's get on with the show. What is your, Sam's Shovel case for tonight? One of my smaller cases have it. I call it the case of the sailor who was shot while having Henry Lamar and Lana turn his pictures on his chest, or he died with his buttes on. Sounds simplistic. Let's do it. Okay.
[00:15:21] Unknown:
And now the makers of crummies, the breakfast food that dares to be different presents the adventures of Sam Schrupple, private detective. But first, a word about our product, Krummies. Krummies is the only breakfast food that comes ready to serve. We put in the sugar, strawberries, milk and cream right in the package. Look for it on your grocery shelf in the large soggy box. And crummies is fine for the youngster. You can safely feed crummies to a two year old. Some of the well known two year olds that eat crummies are Citation, Armed Trust, and Bazooka. Crummies is the only breakfast food that is shot from canon. So remember, when opening the package, stand back.
And friends, mark my word. No cereal is as good as crummy. You can put that in your pipe and smoke it. In fact, it tastes better if you put it in your pipe and smoke it. And now for the further adventures of Sam's Shovel, private
[00:16:30] Unknown:
detective. Yes. I'm Sam Shubble. Sam Shubble, private detective. I don't feel so good today. Last night, my fraternity invited me to a football dinner. That's the last time I'll eat football for dinner. I'm kind of tired too. I travel all night. I rode the chief in from Albuquerque. Next time, I'm gonna take a train so I didn't piggyback on an Indian as murder. I was down there trying to get a conviction on one of my cases, Maxi, the murderer, but he had a clever lawyer. I charged him with murder, but the jury whitewashed him. I charged him with larceny, but the jury whitewashed him. And I took him to a Turkish bath. I had to get all that whitewash open.
My correspondence is pile piled up away while locked while I was away. I see a carbon copy of the letter I sent to Sears and Roebuck for a pair of handcuffs. It reads, send handcuffs. If good, we'll send check. Then I pick up their answer. It reads, send check. If good, we'll send handcuffs. That reminds me I may get called on another case. I think I'll clean my Remington before I put it back in my pocket. Someday, I'm gonna buy a gun. I get tired carrying a typewriter in my pocket. Suddenly, I look up there on the wall of my office is an oil painting. Bought it last year. It's pretty.
Well, it's a lot of trouble. Every day, I gotta oil it. I glance across the court. The beautiful sonographer in the insurance office is just coming to work. She's punching the time clock. Clock punched her back. I pick up her morning paper on the front page. There's a picture of John l Lewis. John l Lewis on the front page. I study his face. I'm trying to figure which eyebrow has the Tony. Looks like another slow day for the detective business. As I sit here in my little office, I'm unhappy. I'm down in the dumps. Whenever I'm in this office, I feel down in the dumps. That's not strange. My office is located at the dumps.
Also, my office is a stationary store. There's no sign on it, but I'm sure it's a stationary store. I've been watching it for two years. It hasn't moved an inch. I just remember last week, my pal, Lieutenant Abbott, invited me to dinner, and I must send his wife a bread and butter note. That's a sloppy job. There's nothing I hate worse than writing on bread and butter. I glanced out at the window in the parking lot. They're getting ready to move my car again to let another one out. I hope the owner moves it, not the reckless attendant. Thank goodness, the owner moved it.
I noticed my pal, Lieutenant Abbot in the homicide squad coming this way. He's a regular bloodhound. When he's after a crook, he can smell a trail. In fact, he smells any place. One thing about lieutenant Abbott, he speaks straight from the shoulder. He's got to. That's where his mouth is. Just then, lieutenant Abbott walks into the office. Hello, same trouble. Sam, I just had the most sensational lunch. What a meal. I ordered pork chops, bacon, fried ham, pig's knuckle. Lieutenant Abbot each, he goes hog wild. Well, a cop has got to keep his strength up, Sam. I never know when I'll get in a fight. Lieutenant Abbot is right. One thing I'll say for him, he never ran away from a fight. He always takes a taxi. Ma'am, I'm I'm happy today. I'm feeling pretty chipper.
I'm really chipper. Lieutenant Abbott is not lying. Nobody is chipper than he is. He's the chippest man I ever met. He lives at the Fiddle Hotel. It's a violin. Room for a dollar a night and up. If you get a room for a dollar, you're up all night. Ma'am, I thought I read something moving. Sound came from that bureau. We crossed the office to the bureau and started opening the drawers.
[00:20:32] Unknown:
There's nobody here.
[00:20:35] Unknown:
You won't find me here. It's my bureau of missing persons. Speaking of missing person, Sam, what happened to that crooked musician you were trailing? Lieutenant Abbott was referring to Matty Benjohead Malnik, the leader of one of the crookedest bands in this country. Sam, how can you say that? Matty's boys are all artists. They must be artists. I know they're not musicians. Lieutenant, when Matty bends your head mounted like Kurt, that was after him. He took it on the lam. That was three weeks ago. Hi. You're Sam Shovel? He's still on that lam.
[00:21:12] Unknown:
Sam, you gotta help me. That Bergman gang is trying to shake me down for $10,000, and I'm afraid I'll have to pay through the nose. Why should you have to pay through the nose? That's where I keep my money.
[00:21:25] Unknown:
What a clever crook that Malik is. When he needs money, he don't have to blow a safe. He just blows his nose. Just look at it. I'd like to have his nose full of Canadian nickels.
[00:21:38] Unknown:
Malik, you'll have to get out of here. Sam and I are talking business. I'll go, but first I wanna give Sam this batch of cookies I baked for him. Here, Sam, they're your favorite kind, policeman cookie. Policeman cookies. Sure. Ain't you never heard of cop cakes?
[00:21:52] Unknown:
It's a long time. Everybody's got good riders but me. I'm gonna have to start paying next week. That malnick is a very clever boy. He ought to go over to the Eagle Laundry and put his head in with the flatwork. Yeah. Never mind him, Sam. Hey. Look who's coming across the street. It's two gun Gertie. Two gun Gertie, the gorgeous gun mall. Once I asked her to marry me, but she refused, she's too class conscious. Gertie is class conscious? I ain't got no class, and she's conscious of it. It. Just as I finished making this clever remark, the door burst open and Gertie entered my office.
[00:22:33] Unknown:
Sam. Sam, shovel my darling. Oh, Sam. You gotta help me. What's up, Gertie? The cops are after me. They think I'm hiding something. They think I've got it on me. You may have it on you, but you sure ain't hiding anything. Careful, Sam. She's up to something. Oh, Sam. You gotta help me. If you do, I'll be your slave. I'll cook for you. I'll bake for you. I'll I'll I'll sew for you. I'll Keep going, Gert. You're bound to eat something I like. You're a card, Sam. Come here. I'm gonna let you kiss me.
[00:23:18] Unknown:
Sam, where are your manners? Where are your manners? How dare you kiss this gun right before me? Wait your turn, lieutenant. I'll kiss you next.
[00:23:30] Unknown:
Sam, Sam, why don't we start going steady again? We could be so happy. Look out the window, Sam. See those two lovebirds in that tree? Yeah. Why can't we be like them and do what they're doing?
[00:23:43] Unknown:
Okay. But I don't think the branches will hold us. Sam, this is ridiculous. You're a cop and she's a crook.
[00:23:59] Unknown:
She's not for you. Keep out of this flatfoot. I'll prove to Sam that I'm the girl for him. I'll give him a kiss. It'll bust the buttons off his vest. That that I'd like to see. Come here, Sam.
[00:24:19] Unknown:
Sam. Sam. Sam. Sam shovel. Say something. Has any lady in the audience got needle and thread?
[00:24:43] Unknown:
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Introduction and Chumba Casino
Abbott and Costello's Hollywood Adventures
Costello's School Days and Family Life
Viola's Visit and Hollywood Tales
Sam Shovel: The Case of the Sailor
Lieutenant Abbott and the Crooked Musician
Two Gun Gertie's Dilemma
