In this lively episode, Ryan brings a touch of humor and light-heartedness to the mundane aspects of daily life, such as traffic and chores, by introducing listeners to the world of Chumba Casino. With over a hundred casino-style games available for free play, Chumba Casino offers a fun escape with the chance to win prizes, adding a bright spot to anyone's day. The episode takes a comedic turn with a series of sketches featuring characters like Costello, who shares his humorous experiences with football, hospital stays, and his interactions with various quirky characters, including a baseball-obsessed nephew and a witty secretary, Viola Vaughn.
The episode also features a comedic detective story titled "The Case of the Russian Diplomat Who Took the 6PM Boat Back to Russia," starring Sam Shovel, a private detective. The story unfolds with a series of humorous exchanges and absurd situations, including a run-in with a notorious criminal and a misunderstanding involving a beautiful model. The episode is filled with witty banter, slapstick humor, and a touch of nostalgia, making it a delightful listen for fans of classic comedy and detective tales.
(00:00) Introduction and Chumba Casino
(01:10) Football with the California Girls
(03:18) Hospital Adventures and California Sundae
(06:01) Radio Contests and Hollywood Stars
(08:43) Viola Vaughn and Birthday Surprises
(12:20) Family Tales and Athletic Feats
(14:42) Sam Shovel: The Detective Story
(22:51) Conclusion and Closing Remarks
Listen to our radio station Old Time Radio https://link.radioking.com/otradio
Listen to other Shows at My Classic Radio https://www.myclassicradio.net/
Entertainment Radio | Broadcasting Classic Radio Shows | Patreon
Remember that times have changed, and some shows might not reflect the standards of today’s politically correct society. The shows do not necessarily reflect the views, standards, or beliefs of Entertainment Radio
[00:00:00]
Unknown:
Hello. It is Ryan, and we could all use an extra bright spot in our day, couldn't we? Just to make up for things like sitting in traffic, doing the dishes, counting your steps, you know, all the mundane stuff. That is why I'm such a big fan of Chumba Casino. Chumba Casino has all your favorite social casino style games that you can play for free anytime, anywhere with daily bonuses. That should brighten your day low. Actually, a lot. So sign up now at ChumbaCasino.com. That's ChumbaCasino.com. No purchase necessary. DGW. Avoid
[00:00:32] Unknown:
prohibited by law. Terms and conditions, 18 plus. Okay. Round two. Name something that's not boring. A laundry?
[00:00:37] Unknown:
Oh, a book club. Computer solitaire.
[00:00:42] Unknown:
Sorry. We were looking for Chumba casino.
[00:00:47] Unknown:
Chumba. That's right. ChumbaCasino.com
[00:00:49] Unknown:
has over a hundred casino style games. Join today and play for free for your chance to redeem some serious prizes.
[00:00:56] Unknown:
ChumbaCasino.com.
[00:01:10] Unknown:
Alright, Costello. Here I am. What are you too excited about? Oh, I just play I just finished playing my first game of football with the California girls team. You play football with girls? Yeah. On the girls team? I'll bet that's exciting. Oh, well, the plan ain't so exciting, but all those huddles. I never heard of girls playing football. Where do they get their players? Oh, they pick the girls according to the shape. You know, quarterbacks, halfbacks. You wanna see those fullbacks. I'm going steady with the center. Is she pretty? Well, she's the next thing to Lauren Bacall.
[00:01:44] Unknown:
She is? Yeah. She looks like Humphrey Bogart. Right?
[00:01:50] Unknown:
But she loves to play games. Last night, we played. Yes. First, I would kiss her, and she would kiss me, and then I would kiss her. I went Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Who told her that was? I did. Oh. Sneezed her? Bannisters, instead of sitting home and playing silly games, why don't you take it to the movies? Oh, I tried to. I bought 14 tickets, but we couldn't get in. Why not? Every time I bought a ticket from the cashier, some guy in uniform at the door would tear him up. Well, I don't know why a girl would bother you with you in the first place. You're ugly, fat, dumpy, ignorant. Before you go any further, I wanna say one thing. What's that? Don't go any further.
When it comes to idiots, Costello, you can go to the head of the class. Thank you, mister Rabbit. And I sure worked hard enough to get there. That's what I thought. Hey. Wait a minute. Where have you been where have you been all week? Lou, I don't know what I'm doing tonight. I know. So where where have you been all week? Monday, my girlfriend gave me a fancy pink silk, you and your suit, all trimmed with lace. I wore a two j and got hit by a car. They took me to the hospital. I'll never wear that union suit again. Why not? It took me three days to put myself out of the maternity ward. Did they, treat you nice in the hospital?
Nice. Sure did. Every day for dessert, I had a California sundae. It's two scoops of tutti free ice cream with pineapple, strawberry, apricots, prunes, peanuts, whipped cream, and six maraschino cherries, and they serve it all in the hospitals now. Well, wait a minute. Why would any hospital wanna serve concoctions like that? Can you think of a better place to get sick? Well, anyway, you had a good rest, Lou. Oh, no. I didn't. I didn't sleep a wink in that hospital. Well, how did you sleep? On your right side or your left side? I sleep flat on my back. There you are. That's your trouble. People who sleep on their back all the time, get their back out of shape and all crooked.
[00:03:57] Unknown:
You must sleep on your face.
[00:04:04] Unknown:
I while While while you're in the hospital, you should have consulted a psychiatrist, Lou. Psychiatrist? Yes. Any guy who would go to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined. Right. Castilla, how did you ever become such a complete Abbott? You know, Abbott? You know, Abbott, they loved me in that hospital. One of the doctors introduced me to a beautiful nurse, and she invited me to a party. Well, now that's very nice of her. I thought so. So now that you're out of the hospital, you should, reciprocate. Definitely. Because after all I said Could I have that again? Sure. I said, reciprocate. Don't you always, reciprocate after you've been invited to a party? That all depends on what they serve. No. No. No, Costello. Reciprocate means to return a favor. For instance, if a friend of mine, got me a date with a beautiful blonde, I'd, I reciprocate.
If he gets me a date with a gorgeous redhead, I reciprocate. Now when somebody gets you a date with a beautiful girl, what do you do? I do the same thing you do, only I don't lie about it. Never mind that. What was in that big package that arrived for you this afternoon? It's a new television set I bought for uncle Mike. Oh. I gotta go right back home and hook her up. Oh, what does your uncle Mike want with a television set? He wants to see what doctor IQ does with that woman in the balcony. You're welcome, Mike. All he does is listen to the radio. And now with the television set, he'll never get out of the house. Oh, Uncle Mike does alright. He enters all the radio contests. Last week, he was in a contest for a beer company. He had to send in 25 beer bottle caps and a slogan. Well, did he write a good slogan?
After 25 bottles of beer, he couldn't even see the paper. Well, anyway, radio is a wonderful thing, Costello. Just think it fills the air with voices and personalities of all the gorgeous Hollywood Stars. What are what are you doing? Filling my lungs with Rita Hayworth. Rita Hayworth is alright, but she's just like any other girl. What do you mean? Well, take away her beautiful hair and her lovely complexion. What have you got? I don't know, but you can send it over to my house in the morning. You certainly love the California girls, don't you? You? Yeah. When I was back home in Paris, New Jersey, I said to my mother, I said, mom, take me out West where men are men and the women are women are what? That's all. Take me out West where women are. What makes you think the women in Hollywood go for you? Well, I'm a pretty regular guy and a pretty popular guy, Abbot. The day we moved to Los Angeles, I won a citywide contest. Citywide contest? Mhmm. What for? For being the whitest guy in the city.
And they gave me a beautiful chicken as a prize, a Rhode Island purple. She lays 30 eggs a day. Oh, wait a minute. Wait a minute. Now let's straighten this out. You mean a Rhode Island red? Abbott, when a chicken lays 30 eggs a day, she's purple. Costello, I've come I've come to the conclusion that you're the most stupid man in the world. Even as a child, you were stupid. Oh, no. I wasn't. Back in Patterson, when I was only one year old, I proved that I was the smartest baby in town. How'd you do it? One day, I was playing around the stove. I picked up a red hot coal. Nobody had to tell me to put it down.
[00:07:41] Unknown:
Hey, Uncle Louie. Uncle Louie. Pitch a couple to me, will you? That's Sabbath stuff you folks. Norman, what are you doing dressed up in a baseball uniform? The baseball scene is over. Oh, let him alone, Cassella. Norman likes baseball. Yeah. Yeah. I'm nuts about baseball. I play baseball all the time. I live baseball. I eat baseball. And when I go to sleep at night, I even dream of baseball. Do you ever dream about girls? What? And this might turn it back? Right. Get out of here. Okay. But before I go, I'd like to tell you, I sure like that moron tie you're wearing. You mean maroon tie? A moron is an idiot. Yeah. And only an idiot would wear that tie. Get out
[00:08:19] Unknown:
of here.
[00:08:22] Unknown:
I don't like that guy, Abbott. Right. All day long dreams about baseball. He ain't got no romance in his soul. Oh, so what? You don't know anything about romance, either. You should have been with me last night in a cozy living room, sitting room, sitting on a love sheet, all the lights out, and it was pitch dark. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Did you did you have a girl with you? What for? I'm not afraid of the dark. Well, hello, boy. Hey. Look, Costello. It's our lovely new secretary, Viola Vaughn.
[00:08:55] Unknown:
Chief Viola, you look lovely tonight. That's a gorgeous dress you're wearing. Oh, well, thank you. Do you think it brings out my curve?
[00:09:02] Unknown:
Does it?
[00:09:04] Unknown:
Yes. It curves here and it curves there, and some of it don't even stay on the road. Oh, talk sense, Gastel. Viola, how do you like California compared to New York? Well, it's wonderful, but the time confuses me. You know, California is the only state that still has daylight saving time. You know that daylight saving time is kinda silly to me too. You really don't save anything with daylight saving time. You don't? No.
[00:09:28] Unknown:
It's just like sitting down. What you lose in the front, you gain in the back.
[00:09:33] Unknown:
No. Never mind, Ambiola.
[00:09:35] Unknown:
What do you hear from that uncle of yours in London? Oh, I received a postcard from my uncle this morning. He's having a fine time. He spent the weekend voting on the English Channel.
[00:09:45] Unknown:
Voting? My cousin Vincent swam across the English Channel underwater.
[00:09:50] Unknown:
Uh-huh. Under water. Oh, that's preposterous. Any man who did that would drown. The funeral is Wednesday.
[00:10:03] Unknown:
Cheers, Viola. I'm glad you came to work for us. How about giving a little kiss? Oh, you Hollywood men are so impetuous.
[00:10:10] Unknown:
The first night you meet a girl, you wanna kiss. Well, I mean, a guy like me has to. They don't show up the second night. Oh, Viola, I've noticed you've been rather cool towards Gastelli. You never put your arms around him enough. Well, I was sort of waiting until till you know me a little longer?
[00:10:32] Unknown:
No. Till my arms get a little longer.
[00:10:37] Unknown:
By the way, isn't today your birthday, Viola? Yes. It is. I'm 18. Think of it. You're sweet 18, and I'm sweet 20 four. Well, what about me? Yeah. But you're a sour 65. I am. Never mind that. You're a cheapskate, Costello. It's Viola's birthday, and you didn't get her a present. Oh, that's alright, Costello.
[00:10:56] Unknown:
Even if you don't express your felicitations on my natal day with a tangible token of remembrance, I want you to know that I understand. Good.
[00:11:05] Unknown:
Now that you understand it, explain it to me. Theo, the Castell is very forgetful about birthdays. Last week was my wife's birthday, and they didn't send her a present either. No. I didn't get your wife a present, but don't forget I wrote her a poem. You wrote Abbott's wife a poem? Yes. How does it go?
[00:11:22] Unknown:
To miss Betty Abbott.
[00:11:25] Unknown:
Your clothes are really awfully cheap.
[00:11:28] Unknown:
And speaking of your sweater, give back the wool to those poor sheep. On them, it looks much better.
[00:11:45] Unknown:
That's a terrible poem, Costello. That's got a terrible word. You're not speaking of Costello, Viola. He is ignorant and he's uneducated. Just a minute, Adam. That's what he means. Of course, I went to school and I studied science. For instance, I know that the sun is 5,000,000,000 miles from the earth and the light from the sun comes down to the earth in exactly thirty seconds. Isn't that wonderful, Costello? What's wonderful about it? It's downhill all the way.
[00:12:13] Unknown:
Oh, that's all.
[00:12:20] Unknown:
Alright, Costello. Come out here. What's that you have in your hand? Picture of my grandfather, general Stonewall Castello. What a hero, Abbott. He fought in the Spanish American War. Every time he went off to battle, all the girls in Paterson would line up to kiss him goodbye. Wait a minute. Every time he went to battle, all the girls in Patterson kissed him goodbye? Yes. The war ended in 1898,
[00:12:40] Unknown:
but they couldn't get grandpa to stop fighting till 1935.
[00:12:44] Unknown:
He must have been some fighter. Yeah. She taught me to fight. I became quite a boxer. I remember my first fight. In the third round, my manager threw the towel and then I won. Well, wait a minute. How could you win if your manager threw in the towel? He threw it over my opponent's eyes. Yeah, dummy. You're no fighter. You're not an athlete. You're not an athlete in your whole family. Oh, yes. There is. My brother Pat is a famous athlete. Just last week, he pitched a no hit game. Oh, lots of guys have pitched no hit games. In football.
[00:13:11] Unknown:
It
[00:13:14] Unknown:
Castella, you and your brother Pat are the dopiest guys in the world. Yes. There ain't nobody at dopier than him and me. Well, no. You that's incorrect. You just say there's nobody dopier than he and I. Okay. There's nobody at dopier than him and you. Well, never mind that. How's Pat getting along with his, new girl? Oh, well, for a while, he had it pretty tough. Every time Pat went over to see her, her brother would throw him out of the house. Last week, her brother went away to college and things are different. What do you mean? Now her father throws him out of the house. Pat working? Oh, yes. He's got a job at a milk company, and he works like a horse. What does he do? He pulls one of the wagons. He Hello?
What do you want, Norman? Are you gonna do another one of them Sam's Shovel misery programs tonight?
[00:14:01] Unknown:
Look, Norman. Look at the script. That's mystery.
[00:14:04] Unknown:
I listened to the show, brother. It's misery.
[00:14:09] Unknown:
Abbott, if you don't keep that nephew out of here, I'm gonna flatten him. I'll hit him in the head so hard that his shoes will have three tongues. I'll lay off him. Leave him alone. Maybe he doesn't like your Sam Shuffle program. Well, everyone else does. Now here's a letter I got from one of my fans this morning. Listen to this. Dear Lou Costello, I listened to your Sam Shuffle director program last week. You were so funny, I laughed my head off. I'm coming to the studio to see you tonight. Miss Costello, there's a man out here to see you. What does you look like? How can I tell? His head is off. Well, enough of this nonsense, Costello. What is your same shovel, detective story about tonight? It's one of my greatest cases to have it. I call it the case of the Russian diplomat who took the 6PM boat back to Russia or
[00:14:52] Unknown:
red sails in the sunset.
[00:14:56] Unknown:
Well, that sounds interesting. Let's get on with the case. Fair enough.
[00:15:04] Unknown:
Now the makers of Swanee River Cold Cream bring you the adventures of Sam Shubble, private detective. But first a word about our product. Smawney River cold cream is the only cold cream that contains peanut butter. Oh, what a time saving device this is. Ladies, now you can cream your face and have your lunch at the same time. And friends, remember, we can sell Swanee River cold cream cheaper than any other brand because we've done away with costly containers. We use no tubes, no boxes, no jars. Just walk into your drugstore, ask for Suwannee River cold cream, and hold out your hand.
And now for the further adventures of Sam's Shovel, Private Detective.
[00:15:57] Unknown:
Yeah. I'm Sam Shovel. Sam Shovel, private detective. The detective business has been lousy lately. I ain't got a nickel to my name. I guess it's just as well. How would it sound if people call me Sam Shovel Nickel? Last night, somebody ransacked my office. They went over it with a fine tooth comb. I know they went over with a fine tooth comb because this morning when I came in, the horsehair sofa had a partner. I'm so mad I can see red. Hi, Fred. Hi, Fred. In the office across the court, I see the beautiful photographer combing her hair. She just combed out her bang.
I'm a little thirsty. I think I'll have some orange juice. I squeeze my orange juice the hard way. The hard way. I place the orange in my mouth, stick my head in the doorway, and slowly close the door. On my way to the office, I found a woman's handbag. I wonder what's in it. I decide to empty the contents on my desk. That takes care of the change purse. I wonder what's in the bag. I look at my appointment book. I see that tonight I have a date with a gorgeous peach. I think I'll break it and make a date with a girl. I look out the window and in the garage across the street, the mechanic is working on a car.
No matter what car comes in, he always races the motor. Coming up the street, I see my pal, Lieutenant Abbott of the homicide squad. What a cop. Whenever the police department makes a raid, Lieutenant Abbott is a spearhead. Not that he's so brave, but he's the only cop in the department with a head like a spear. Abbott is a quiet cop every Sunday he sits home and listens to the radio. He's trying to win the jackpot on stop the music. He's trying to win it the hard way. The hard way. He has no telephone. It's it's a chili d, and I've got a fire going in the kitchenette of my little office.
There's a kettle boiling on the stove.
[00:18:30] Unknown:
Hello, Sam Schovel. What's that smell coming from your kitchenette?
[00:18:36] Unknown:
It's my washing.
[00:18:37] Unknown:
I thought it smelled too good to be your cooking. I'm mighty tired, Sam. So are your jokes. I'm really tired.
[00:18:50] Unknown:
I just been out on a wild goose chase. What were you chasing? A wild goose. Lieutenant Abbott used to be a comedian. Tried to make a living. He tried to make a living with his monkey shine. He had to give it up. There's no money in shining monkeys. Lieutenant Emmett, I've got bad news for you. Your cook was picked up this morning for passing a bad check.
[00:19:15] Unknown:
Whose check was it? Yours. That's not funny, Sam Shovell.
[00:19:21] Unknown:
You wanted a friend of mine, I'd punch you in the nose. I knew Lieutenant Abbott was only bluffing. He couldn't punch his way out of a paper bag. At that, don't worry him. After all, how often do you get stuck in a paper bag? Wait. Cut the small town talk, Sam. Lefty Lumphead is in town. He's gunning for you. I know that, lieutenant. I've already notified the police. They've thrown a net over the city. I'll call headquarters and see how they're making out. Hello, chief? Yes? This is Sam Shovell. Have you got that net out for Lefty Lamphead? Yes. How's the net working? Did you catch Lefty yet? No. The net's working fine. Already, we've caught three butterflies.
[00:20:05] Unknown:
Damn, this is really serious. Lefty Lumphead is a killer. He's out to get you. He may be on his way here now, and I know you're afraid of him. Me, afraid of Lefty Lumphead?
[00:20:16] Unknown:
His tush. I'd like to see the day I'd be afraid of him.
[00:20:21] Unknown:
Oh, Sam. This is the day.
[00:20:31] Unknown:
Before me, he stood the toughest killer on the coast. When he was eight years old, he shot his father and mother. Then he asked the judge for mercy on the grounds that he was an orphan. What a tough mug. He's got cauliflower ears. Never was a fighter. It's just that his ears was made out of cauliflower. I know the group had an Abbott's hand reach for his holster. Abbott's gun barked.
[00:20:57] Unknown:
Okay, toppers. I got you covered. Sam Shuffle, I got one bullet in this gun. It's for you. I'm gonna give you a break, Sam.
[00:21:06] Unknown:
I'll put that bullet wherever you say. If it's all the same to you, put it in lieutenant Abbott.
[00:21:14] Unknown:
You're pretty clever, lefty lump head. You're one of the smartest burglars in the business, but there's something I wanna ask you. How is it you you've never been caught robbing a house? It's cheesy. It's cheesy. I only rob houses on Thursday night. Why did you pick Thursday nights? Because Abbott and Costello were on the air Thursday nights, and brother, when they're on the air, nobody stays home.
[00:21:37] Unknown:
Lefty, that's a lie. Abbott and Costello are on right now. I'll prove it's a lie by checking with the police department. Hello, police department?
[00:21:50] Unknown:
Can you tell me We ain't got time to talk to you now. Why? Every house in town is being robbed.
[00:22:02] Unknown:
I had taken all I could stand from that killer. Quick as a flash, I pulled my gun.
[00:22:10] Unknown:
Sam, Lefty is seriously wounded. Your bullet went through his shoulder. Call the hospital.
[00:22:15] Unknown:
What have you done? What have you done? Sam Shovell, you shot my boyfriend. Lefty's girl, the most gorgeous model in the underworld. She's beautiful. Look. He's bleeding.
[00:22:24] Unknown:
Call the hospital.
[00:22:26] Unknown:
He's the only boyfriend I've got, and he's liable to die. Call the hospital. If he dies, who's gonna love me and squeeze me and kiss me?
[00:22:38] Unknown:
Call the morgue.
[00:22:52] Unknown:
That's the sound of your next vacation, and it's fast approaching. Really fast if you're a BJ's wholesale club member because BJ's travel offers better value than you'll find anywhere else on cruises, even from the cruise lines. And we backed that up with our 10% best price guarantee. Plus, BJ's members can also receive up to a $500 BJ's gift card on qualifying cruises. Simply visit travel.bj's.com to set sail for less today. Terms and conditions apply. See site for details.
Hello. It is Ryan, and we could all use an extra bright spot in our day, couldn't we? Just to make up for things like sitting in traffic, doing the dishes, counting your steps, you know, all the mundane stuff. That is why I'm such a big fan of Chumba Casino. Chumba Casino has all your favorite social casino style games that you can play for free anytime, anywhere with daily bonuses. That should brighten your day low. Actually, a lot. So sign up now at ChumbaCasino.com. That's ChumbaCasino.com. No purchase necessary. DGW. Avoid
[00:00:32] Unknown:
prohibited by law. Terms and conditions, 18 plus. Okay. Round two. Name something that's not boring. A laundry?
[00:00:37] Unknown:
Oh, a book club. Computer solitaire.
[00:00:42] Unknown:
Sorry. We were looking for Chumba casino.
[00:00:47] Unknown:
Chumba. That's right. ChumbaCasino.com
[00:00:49] Unknown:
has over a hundred casino style games. Join today and play for free for your chance to redeem some serious prizes.
[00:00:56] Unknown:
ChumbaCasino.com.
[00:01:10] Unknown:
Alright, Costello. Here I am. What are you too excited about? Oh, I just play I just finished playing my first game of football with the California girls team. You play football with girls? Yeah. On the girls team? I'll bet that's exciting. Oh, well, the plan ain't so exciting, but all those huddles. I never heard of girls playing football. Where do they get their players? Oh, they pick the girls according to the shape. You know, quarterbacks, halfbacks. You wanna see those fullbacks. I'm going steady with the center. Is she pretty? Well, she's the next thing to Lauren Bacall.
[00:01:44] Unknown:
She is? Yeah. She looks like Humphrey Bogart. Right?
[00:01:50] Unknown:
But she loves to play games. Last night, we played. Yes. First, I would kiss her, and she would kiss me, and then I would kiss her. I went Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Who told her that was? I did. Oh. Sneezed her? Bannisters, instead of sitting home and playing silly games, why don't you take it to the movies? Oh, I tried to. I bought 14 tickets, but we couldn't get in. Why not? Every time I bought a ticket from the cashier, some guy in uniform at the door would tear him up. Well, I don't know why a girl would bother you with you in the first place. You're ugly, fat, dumpy, ignorant. Before you go any further, I wanna say one thing. What's that? Don't go any further.
When it comes to idiots, Costello, you can go to the head of the class. Thank you, mister Rabbit. And I sure worked hard enough to get there. That's what I thought. Hey. Wait a minute. Where have you been where have you been all week? Lou, I don't know what I'm doing tonight. I know. So where where have you been all week? Monday, my girlfriend gave me a fancy pink silk, you and your suit, all trimmed with lace. I wore a two j and got hit by a car. They took me to the hospital. I'll never wear that union suit again. Why not? It took me three days to put myself out of the maternity ward. Did they, treat you nice in the hospital?
Nice. Sure did. Every day for dessert, I had a California sundae. It's two scoops of tutti free ice cream with pineapple, strawberry, apricots, prunes, peanuts, whipped cream, and six maraschino cherries, and they serve it all in the hospitals now. Well, wait a minute. Why would any hospital wanna serve concoctions like that? Can you think of a better place to get sick? Well, anyway, you had a good rest, Lou. Oh, no. I didn't. I didn't sleep a wink in that hospital. Well, how did you sleep? On your right side or your left side? I sleep flat on my back. There you are. That's your trouble. People who sleep on their back all the time, get their back out of shape and all crooked.
[00:03:57] Unknown:
You must sleep on your face.
[00:04:04] Unknown:
I while While while you're in the hospital, you should have consulted a psychiatrist, Lou. Psychiatrist? Yes. Any guy who would go to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined. Right. Castilla, how did you ever become such a complete Abbott? You know, Abbott? You know, Abbott, they loved me in that hospital. One of the doctors introduced me to a beautiful nurse, and she invited me to a party. Well, now that's very nice of her. I thought so. So now that you're out of the hospital, you should, reciprocate. Definitely. Because after all I said Could I have that again? Sure. I said, reciprocate. Don't you always, reciprocate after you've been invited to a party? That all depends on what they serve. No. No. No, Costello. Reciprocate means to return a favor. For instance, if a friend of mine, got me a date with a beautiful blonde, I'd, I reciprocate.
If he gets me a date with a gorgeous redhead, I reciprocate. Now when somebody gets you a date with a beautiful girl, what do you do? I do the same thing you do, only I don't lie about it. Never mind that. What was in that big package that arrived for you this afternoon? It's a new television set I bought for uncle Mike. Oh. I gotta go right back home and hook her up. Oh, what does your uncle Mike want with a television set? He wants to see what doctor IQ does with that woman in the balcony. You're welcome, Mike. All he does is listen to the radio. And now with the television set, he'll never get out of the house. Oh, Uncle Mike does alright. He enters all the radio contests. Last week, he was in a contest for a beer company. He had to send in 25 beer bottle caps and a slogan. Well, did he write a good slogan?
After 25 bottles of beer, he couldn't even see the paper. Well, anyway, radio is a wonderful thing, Costello. Just think it fills the air with voices and personalities of all the gorgeous Hollywood Stars. What are what are you doing? Filling my lungs with Rita Hayworth. Rita Hayworth is alright, but she's just like any other girl. What do you mean? Well, take away her beautiful hair and her lovely complexion. What have you got? I don't know, but you can send it over to my house in the morning. You certainly love the California girls, don't you? You? Yeah. When I was back home in Paris, New Jersey, I said to my mother, I said, mom, take me out West where men are men and the women are women are what? That's all. Take me out West where women are. What makes you think the women in Hollywood go for you? Well, I'm a pretty regular guy and a pretty popular guy, Abbot. The day we moved to Los Angeles, I won a citywide contest. Citywide contest? Mhmm. What for? For being the whitest guy in the city.
And they gave me a beautiful chicken as a prize, a Rhode Island purple. She lays 30 eggs a day. Oh, wait a minute. Wait a minute. Now let's straighten this out. You mean a Rhode Island red? Abbott, when a chicken lays 30 eggs a day, she's purple. Costello, I've come I've come to the conclusion that you're the most stupid man in the world. Even as a child, you were stupid. Oh, no. I wasn't. Back in Patterson, when I was only one year old, I proved that I was the smartest baby in town. How'd you do it? One day, I was playing around the stove. I picked up a red hot coal. Nobody had to tell me to put it down.
[00:07:41] Unknown:
Hey, Uncle Louie. Uncle Louie. Pitch a couple to me, will you? That's Sabbath stuff you folks. Norman, what are you doing dressed up in a baseball uniform? The baseball scene is over. Oh, let him alone, Cassella. Norman likes baseball. Yeah. Yeah. I'm nuts about baseball. I play baseball all the time. I live baseball. I eat baseball. And when I go to sleep at night, I even dream of baseball. Do you ever dream about girls? What? And this might turn it back? Right. Get out of here. Okay. But before I go, I'd like to tell you, I sure like that moron tie you're wearing. You mean maroon tie? A moron is an idiot. Yeah. And only an idiot would wear that tie. Get out
[00:08:19] Unknown:
of here.
[00:08:22] Unknown:
I don't like that guy, Abbott. Right. All day long dreams about baseball. He ain't got no romance in his soul. Oh, so what? You don't know anything about romance, either. You should have been with me last night in a cozy living room, sitting room, sitting on a love sheet, all the lights out, and it was pitch dark. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Did you did you have a girl with you? What for? I'm not afraid of the dark. Well, hello, boy. Hey. Look, Costello. It's our lovely new secretary, Viola Vaughn.
[00:08:55] Unknown:
Chief Viola, you look lovely tonight. That's a gorgeous dress you're wearing. Oh, well, thank you. Do you think it brings out my curve?
[00:09:02] Unknown:
Does it?
[00:09:04] Unknown:
Yes. It curves here and it curves there, and some of it don't even stay on the road. Oh, talk sense, Gastel. Viola, how do you like California compared to New York? Well, it's wonderful, but the time confuses me. You know, California is the only state that still has daylight saving time. You know that daylight saving time is kinda silly to me too. You really don't save anything with daylight saving time. You don't? No.
[00:09:28] Unknown:
It's just like sitting down. What you lose in the front, you gain in the back.
[00:09:33] Unknown:
No. Never mind, Ambiola.
[00:09:35] Unknown:
What do you hear from that uncle of yours in London? Oh, I received a postcard from my uncle this morning. He's having a fine time. He spent the weekend voting on the English Channel.
[00:09:45] Unknown:
Voting? My cousin Vincent swam across the English Channel underwater.
[00:09:50] Unknown:
Uh-huh. Under water. Oh, that's preposterous. Any man who did that would drown. The funeral is Wednesday.
[00:10:03] Unknown:
Cheers, Viola. I'm glad you came to work for us. How about giving a little kiss? Oh, you Hollywood men are so impetuous.
[00:10:10] Unknown:
The first night you meet a girl, you wanna kiss. Well, I mean, a guy like me has to. They don't show up the second night. Oh, Viola, I've noticed you've been rather cool towards Gastelli. You never put your arms around him enough. Well, I was sort of waiting until till you know me a little longer?
[00:10:32] Unknown:
No. Till my arms get a little longer.
[00:10:37] Unknown:
By the way, isn't today your birthday, Viola? Yes. It is. I'm 18. Think of it. You're sweet 18, and I'm sweet 20 four. Well, what about me? Yeah. But you're a sour 65. I am. Never mind that. You're a cheapskate, Costello. It's Viola's birthday, and you didn't get her a present. Oh, that's alright, Costello.
[00:10:56] Unknown:
Even if you don't express your felicitations on my natal day with a tangible token of remembrance, I want you to know that I understand. Good.
[00:11:05] Unknown:
Now that you understand it, explain it to me. Theo, the Castell is very forgetful about birthdays. Last week was my wife's birthday, and they didn't send her a present either. No. I didn't get your wife a present, but don't forget I wrote her a poem. You wrote Abbott's wife a poem? Yes. How does it go?
[00:11:22] Unknown:
To miss Betty Abbott.
[00:11:25] Unknown:
Your clothes are really awfully cheap.
[00:11:28] Unknown:
And speaking of your sweater, give back the wool to those poor sheep. On them, it looks much better.
[00:11:45] Unknown:
That's a terrible poem, Costello. That's got a terrible word. You're not speaking of Costello, Viola. He is ignorant and he's uneducated. Just a minute, Adam. That's what he means. Of course, I went to school and I studied science. For instance, I know that the sun is 5,000,000,000 miles from the earth and the light from the sun comes down to the earth in exactly thirty seconds. Isn't that wonderful, Costello? What's wonderful about it? It's downhill all the way.
[00:12:13] Unknown:
Oh, that's all.
[00:12:20] Unknown:
Alright, Costello. Come out here. What's that you have in your hand? Picture of my grandfather, general Stonewall Castello. What a hero, Abbott. He fought in the Spanish American War. Every time he went off to battle, all the girls in Paterson would line up to kiss him goodbye. Wait a minute. Every time he went to battle, all the girls in Patterson kissed him goodbye? Yes. The war ended in 1898,
[00:12:40] Unknown:
but they couldn't get grandpa to stop fighting till 1935.
[00:12:44] Unknown:
He must have been some fighter. Yeah. She taught me to fight. I became quite a boxer. I remember my first fight. In the third round, my manager threw the towel and then I won. Well, wait a minute. How could you win if your manager threw in the towel? He threw it over my opponent's eyes. Yeah, dummy. You're no fighter. You're not an athlete. You're not an athlete in your whole family. Oh, yes. There is. My brother Pat is a famous athlete. Just last week, he pitched a no hit game. Oh, lots of guys have pitched no hit games. In football.
[00:13:11] Unknown:
It
[00:13:14] Unknown:
Castella, you and your brother Pat are the dopiest guys in the world. Yes. There ain't nobody at dopier than him and me. Well, no. You that's incorrect. You just say there's nobody dopier than he and I. Okay. There's nobody at dopier than him and you. Well, never mind that. How's Pat getting along with his, new girl? Oh, well, for a while, he had it pretty tough. Every time Pat went over to see her, her brother would throw him out of the house. Last week, her brother went away to college and things are different. What do you mean? Now her father throws him out of the house. Pat working? Oh, yes. He's got a job at a milk company, and he works like a horse. What does he do? He pulls one of the wagons. He Hello?
What do you want, Norman? Are you gonna do another one of them Sam's Shovel misery programs tonight?
[00:14:01] Unknown:
Look, Norman. Look at the script. That's mystery.
[00:14:04] Unknown:
I listened to the show, brother. It's misery.
[00:14:09] Unknown:
Abbott, if you don't keep that nephew out of here, I'm gonna flatten him. I'll hit him in the head so hard that his shoes will have three tongues. I'll lay off him. Leave him alone. Maybe he doesn't like your Sam Shuffle program. Well, everyone else does. Now here's a letter I got from one of my fans this morning. Listen to this. Dear Lou Costello, I listened to your Sam Shuffle director program last week. You were so funny, I laughed my head off. I'm coming to the studio to see you tonight. Miss Costello, there's a man out here to see you. What does you look like? How can I tell? His head is off. Well, enough of this nonsense, Costello. What is your same shovel, detective story about tonight? It's one of my greatest cases to have it. I call it the case of the Russian diplomat who took the 6PM boat back to Russia or
[00:14:52] Unknown:
red sails in the sunset.
[00:14:56] Unknown:
Well, that sounds interesting. Let's get on with the case. Fair enough.
[00:15:04] Unknown:
Now the makers of Swanee River Cold Cream bring you the adventures of Sam Shubble, private detective. But first a word about our product. Smawney River cold cream is the only cold cream that contains peanut butter. Oh, what a time saving device this is. Ladies, now you can cream your face and have your lunch at the same time. And friends, remember, we can sell Swanee River cold cream cheaper than any other brand because we've done away with costly containers. We use no tubes, no boxes, no jars. Just walk into your drugstore, ask for Suwannee River cold cream, and hold out your hand.
And now for the further adventures of Sam's Shovel, Private Detective.
[00:15:57] Unknown:
Yeah. I'm Sam Shovel. Sam Shovel, private detective. The detective business has been lousy lately. I ain't got a nickel to my name. I guess it's just as well. How would it sound if people call me Sam Shovel Nickel? Last night, somebody ransacked my office. They went over it with a fine tooth comb. I know they went over with a fine tooth comb because this morning when I came in, the horsehair sofa had a partner. I'm so mad I can see red. Hi, Fred. Hi, Fred. In the office across the court, I see the beautiful photographer combing her hair. She just combed out her bang.
I'm a little thirsty. I think I'll have some orange juice. I squeeze my orange juice the hard way. The hard way. I place the orange in my mouth, stick my head in the doorway, and slowly close the door. On my way to the office, I found a woman's handbag. I wonder what's in it. I decide to empty the contents on my desk. That takes care of the change purse. I wonder what's in the bag. I look at my appointment book. I see that tonight I have a date with a gorgeous peach. I think I'll break it and make a date with a girl. I look out the window and in the garage across the street, the mechanic is working on a car.
No matter what car comes in, he always races the motor. Coming up the street, I see my pal, Lieutenant Abbott of the homicide squad. What a cop. Whenever the police department makes a raid, Lieutenant Abbott is a spearhead. Not that he's so brave, but he's the only cop in the department with a head like a spear. Abbott is a quiet cop every Sunday he sits home and listens to the radio. He's trying to win the jackpot on stop the music. He's trying to win it the hard way. The hard way. He has no telephone. It's it's a chili d, and I've got a fire going in the kitchenette of my little office.
There's a kettle boiling on the stove.
[00:18:30] Unknown:
Hello, Sam Schovel. What's that smell coming from your kitchenette?
[00:18:36] Unknown:
It's my washing.
[00:18:37] Unknown:
I thought it smelled too good to be your cooking. I'm mighty tired, Sam. So are your jokes. I'm really tired.
[00:18:50] Unknown:
I just been out on a wild goose chase. What were you chasing? A wild goose. Lieutenant Abbott used to be a comedian. Tried to make a living. He tried to make a living with his monkey shine. He had to give it up. There's no money in shining monkeys. Lieutenant Emmett, I've got bad news for you. Your cook was picked up this morning for passing a bad check.
[00:19:15] Unknown:
Whose check was it? Yours. That's not funny, Sam Shovell.
[00:19:21] Unknown:
You wanted a friend of mine, I'd punch you in the nose. I knew Lieutenant Abbott was only bluffing. He couldn't punch his way out of a paper bag. At that, don't worry him. After all, how often do you get stuck in a paper bag? Wait. Cut the small town talk, Sam. Lefty Lumphead is in town. He's gunning for you. I know that, lieutenant. I've already notified the police. They've thrown a net over the city. I'll call headquarters and see how they're making out. Hello, chief? Yes? This is Sam Shovell. Have you got that net out for Lefty Lamphead? Yes. How's the net working? Did you catch Lefty yet? No. The net's working fine. Already, we've caught three butterflies.
[00:20:05] Unknown:
Damn, this is really serious. Lefty Lumphead is a killer. He's out to get you. He may be on his way here now, and I know you're afraid of him. Me, afraid of Lefty Lumphead?
[00:20:16] Unknown:
His tush. I'd like to see the day I'd be afraid of him.
[00:20:21] Unknown:
Oh, Sam. This is the day.
[00:20:31] Unknown:
Before me, he stood the toughest killer on the coast. When he was eight years old, he shot his father and mother. Then he asked the judge for mercy on the grounds that he was an orphan. What a tough mug. He's got cauliflower ears. Never was a fighter. It's just that his ears was made out of cauliflower. I know the group had an Abbott's hand reach for his holster. Abbott's gun barked.
[00:20:57] Unknown:
Okay, toppers. I got you covered. Sam Shuffle, I got one bullet in this gun. It's for you. I'm gonna give you a break, Sam.
[00:21:06] Unknown:
I'll put that bullet wherever you say. If it's all the same to you, put it in lieutenant Abbott.
[00:21:14] Unknown:
You're pretty clever, lefty lump head. You're one of the smartest burglars in the business, but there's something I wanna ask you. How is it you you've never been caught robbing a house? It's cheesy. It's cheesy. I only rob houses on Thursday night. Why did you pick Thursday nights? Because Abbott and Costello were on the air Thursday nights, and brother, when they're on the air, nobody stays home.
[00:21:37] Unknown:
Lefty, that's a lie. Abbott and Costello are on right now. I'll prove it's a lie by checking with the police department. Hello, police department?
[00:21:50] Unknown:
Can you tell me We ain't got time to talk to you now. Why? Every house in town is being robbed.
[00:22:02] Unknown:
I had taken all I could stand from that killer. Quick as a flash, I pulled my gun.
[00:22:10] Unknown:
Sam, Lefty is seriously wounded. Your bullet went through his shoulder. Call the hospital.
[00:22:15] Unknown:
What have you done? What have you done? Sam Shovell, you shot my boyfriend. Lefty's girl, the most gorgeous model in the underworld. She's beautiful. Look. He's bleeding.
[00:22:24] Unknown:
Call the hospital.
[00:22:26] Unknown:
He's the only boyfriend I've got, and he's liable to die. Call the hospital. If he dies, who's gonna love me and squeeze me and kiss me?
[00:22:38] Unknown:
Call the morgue.
[00:22:52] Unknown:
That's the sound of your next vacation, and it's fast approaching. Really fast if you're a BJ's wholesale club member because BJ's travel offers better value than you'll find anywhere else on cruises, even from the cruise lines. And we backed that up with our 10% best price guarantee. Plus, BJ's members can also receive up to a $500 BJ's gift card on qualifying cruises. Simply visit travel.bj's.com to set sail for less today. Terms and conditions apply. See site for details.
Introduction and Chumba Casino
Football with the California Girls
Hospital Adventures and California Sundae
Radio Contests and Hollywood Stars
Viola Vaughn and Birthday Surprises
Family Tales and Athletic Feats
Sam Shovel: The Detective Story
Conclusion and Closing Remarks
