In this episode, we dive into a comedic world filled with humorous exchanges and witty banter. We start with a playful take on the iconic "The Godfather" theme, introducing a slot game that promises luck and family ties. The conversation quickly shifts to a series of comedic sketches featuring characters like Butcher Boy Costello, who humorously recounts his boxing adventures, and a lively exchange about family dynamics, marriage, and the quirks of dating. The episode is peppered with jokes about quiz shows, education, and the absurdities of everyday life, all delivered with a light-hearted touch.
As the episode unfolds, we are treated to a detective story featuring Sam Shovel, a private detective with a knack for humor. The narrative takes us through a series of comedic scenarios, including a hospital visit and a humorous take on a detective's life. The episode is a delightful mix of slapstick comedy, clever wordplay, and engaging storytelling, making it a must-listen for fans of classic comedy routines. Join us for a laugh-filled journey that captures the essence of comedic storytelling.
(01:19) Butcher Boy Costello's Boxing Ambitions
(02:44) Costello's Quiz Show Misadventures
(04:44) Family Tales and Harvard Excitement
(07:14) Viola Vaughn's Nightclub Dress
(13:57) Sam Shovel's Detective Case
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[00:00:00]
Unknown:
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[00:00:28] Unknown:
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Alright. Alright. Quiet down. Quiet down. Quiet down. Quiet down. Quiet down. Quiet down. Quiet
[00:01:25] Unknown:
down.
[00:01:26] Unknown:
What are you doing with those boxing gloves? I'm going after the Golden Gloves tournament. I've been training. You a price fighter? Yes. I'm known as Butcher Boy Costello. Butcher Boy Costello? Yes. I gave my opponent a left to the heart, a right to the kidneys, a left to the chops, and a right cross to the short rib. And then? He knocked me on my pot roast.
[00:01:45] Unknown:
You don't even look like a fighter. Being strong is all in the mind, you know, Costello. It is? Sure. You you have to think strong. Think of Atlas, and you you'll have a shape like him. Think of Hercules, and you'll have a a shape like his. That method won't work with me, Abbott. Why not? I keep thinking thinking of Rita Hayworth.
[00:02:00] Unknown:
I what do you think will happen to you if you got knocked around and got punched, drunk, and goofy? I can always be a straight man like you. Sure. You can.
[00:02:13] Unknown:
How do you think you'd look with a cauliflower ear?
[00:02:16] Unknown:
Mushroom nose and a squashed face. I'd be the only guy in Hollywood with a built in home garden. Castell, you're a moron. What, sir? You're a moron. That's enough of it. One more word out of you, and I'll fight. Idiot. That ain't the word. Costello, you're in a class with a nimbusole. I know. Want me to help you out with your homework? I'll get him out of here.
[00:02:38] Unknown:
Free. Free. Alright.
[00:02:44] Unknown:
Alright. Alright. What's the matter with you? You look terrible. I never saw you looking so bad, Lou. What happened to you? What happened? Yeah. You know what happened. What? I don't get a chance to do nothing on the show. Oh, stop. Oh, I went to that quiz show. Truth or coincidences?
[00:02:59] Unknown:
Uh-uh.
[00:03:00] Unknown:
They asked me a question when I when I didn't give them the answer. They hit me over the head with a crowbar and ripped my clothes off and hit me in the face with a pie and squirt of dirty water all over me. Well, that's terrible. Yeah. But the joke was on them. It was? Mhmm. I knew the answer all the time. You should quit hanging around quiz shows trying to win something for nothing. You ought to get yourself a job and go to work. I tried to. I studied to be a bartender. I went to the bartender school for two years and I still can't get a job. Why not? I can't fix a television set.
[00:03:27] Unknown:
I I thought so. You're just stupid. Your whole family is stupid.
[00:03:32] Unknown:
How can you say that? My uncle Mike is a very brilliant man. He invented the cotton gin, the telephone, and the steamboat. What about Whitney, Bell, and Fulton? Leave the Andrews sisters out of this.
[00:03:44] Unknown:
What is your what is your uncle Mike doing now, Lou? He's part time lifeguard at the Del Mar Hotel Swimming Pool. Are you kidding? Uncle Mike can't even swim. That's why he's only working part time.
[00:03:54] Unknown:
He had a lot of trouble with Aunt May last week. He did? Yeah. He got her a new set of false teeth, and he told her not to take them out. He begged her not to take them out. He pleaded with her not to take them out, but she did. What happened? Her head collapsed. And your aunt May is quite a woman, Lou. She wait she raised quite a family. Oh, yes. Three years ago at the Palace and Fair, she won first prize for having the most little boys in one family. She had 15 little boys. Mhmm. What was first prize? A little boy.
[00:04:22] Unknown:
Never mind that.
[00:04:24] Unknown:
Whatever happened to your aunt May's, younger sister? Oh, she graduated from high school this year, and she's so excited. She's going to Harvard. Harvard? Harvard is a boys' school. Yeah. That's why she's so excited.
[00:04:36] Unknown:
She's going to Harvard. That's ridiculous. None of your family ever went to college. That's all. I'm taking a night course right now at UCLA.
[00:04:42] Unknown:
Well, no. I'm glad to hear it. In other words, that's Euclid. Oh, well, there's three out of UCLA. I'm glad to hear it, Lou. How are you making out? Not so good. Monday night, the teacher asked each pupil to bring something that would show what they wanna be when they when they get out of school. Well, now that sounds interesting. Yeah. One guy wanna be a policeman, so he brought a button off a policeman's uniform. One girl wanted to be a nurse, so she brought a button off a nurse's uniform. Another guy wanted to be a fireman, so he brought a button off a fireman's uniform. And what did you bring? Nothing. Why not? I wanted to be married. How are you gonna get a button off of that?
[00:05:16] Unknown:
You wanna be married? You don't know the first thing about marriage. You don't even know what it takes to make a marriage. I do so. It only takes two people to make a marriage. Well, that's right. A single girl and an anxious mother. Right.
[00:05:28] Unknown:
As far as I'm concerned, marriage is a three ring circus. What do you mean a three ring circus? Well, first, the engagement ring Yes. Then the wedding ring, and then suffering. Oh, stop. Are you still going with that striptease dancer at the burlap show? Oh, sure. Every night, I bring her three roses. Does she wear them? He has to. It's our custom. What about that new girl that moved in the apartment next to you? Well, I tell you, I've been I had a date with her, and she's a bachelor girl. Well, what makes you think she's a bachelor girl? She looks more like a bachelor than she does a girl. What girl is she, though? I haven't asked in a girl's age. It's like buying a used car. What do you mean? Well, you know the speedometer has been set back, but you don't know how far.
Where where did you take her on the date? Well, we went to a soda fountain and have one of those fancy dishes. You know, ice cream and bananas? Split? No. I paid the whole check. Alright. She doesn't sound like she doesn't sound like the kind of girl for you, Costello. Tell me, do you still, do you still date that cute little blonde from her moment? Oh, sure. I had a date to go horseback riding with her last night. You did? Yes. We rode along through the moonlight. It was beautiful. Her horse was nuzzling my horse. My horse was nuzzling her horse. Must have been fun. It was for the horses. My girl didn't show up.
I guess she showed me because I bought her mother a girdle, and her mother got mad too. Well, what size does her mother wear? Small, medium, or large? Oh, no. No. No. Women's girdles don't come in those sizes, Adam. They don't? Oh, no. What sizes do they come in? Large, larger, and here comes the showboat. Hello, uncle bud. Hello, uncle Louis. I left orders with the doorman not to let you win. Now how did you get past him? I held your script under his nose and then stepped over his body. There must be a way to keep this guy out of here. Now I've got it. I'll hypnotize him. Come over here, Norman. Now wait a minute, Christel. What are you gonna do to him? I'm gonna hypnotize him and put him to sleep. Look me straight in the eye, Norman. Okay. You're going to sleep. Abba Dabba sleep.
Abba Dabba sleep. Abba Dabba sleep.
[00:07:50] Unknown:
I think it's working, Uncle Louie. It is? Yeah. My Abba Dabba is asleep. Really, Norman. He's my sister Olive's boy. And Olive is a very lovely person and a big woman in this town. I noticed that your sister Olive was built like the state of Indiana.
[00:08:06] Unknown:
Just what do you mean? She has a large South Bend.
[00:08:12] Unknown:
My sister Olive is a leader of society. Before she moved to Hollywood, she was the rage of Kansas City. Your sister, Olive, would throw any city into a rage.
[00:08:19] Unknown:
She came to the right place when she came to Hollywood. She's a typical Hollywood girl. What do you mean? A Hollywood girl at 30 has wrinkles. At 35, she has gray hair. And at 40, she becomes a blonde and starts all over again.
[00:08:32] Unknown:
Tell you what you want about my sister, Robin, but she's a very well educated woman. She's a college graduate, and she has a sheepskin.
[00:08:39] Unknown:
I noticed that. You ought to try using Jurgen's solution. You
[00:08:47] Unknown:
know, you you know, you have no business ridiculing my family. Now last week, you were picking on my wife. My wife comes from one of the finest families in California.
[00:08:55] Unknown:
She's a Tracy. Any relation to Dick Tracy?
[00:08:59] Unknown:
Certainly not. Certainly not. Dick Tracy is a character in a comic book.
[00:09:03] Unknown:
Your wife has no oil painting. Hello, boys. Hey. Look, Costello. It's our secretary, Viola Vaughn. Well, Viola, Viola, Viola, you're starting to look lovely tonight. What is that you're wearing? Oh, do you like it? This is my nightclub dress. Nightclub dress? Don't you get it out of it? No cover. Okay.
[00:09:26] Unknown:
Oh, you look gorgeous tonight. You and I would make a lovely pair. We'd be just like a couple of lovebirds. Would we? Oh, I'll show you. First, I put one wing around you like this. Then I put my other wing around you like this. Then I put then I beak up close to your beef. Then I coo softly.
[00:09:42] Unknown:
What do I do? Don't stand there, Viola. Drop a worm in his mouth.
[00:09:51] Unknown:
Now I'm serious about it, and you're not. Why, Viola,
[00:09:58] Unknown:
I'd bring you the moon on a silver platter. Oh, that's wonderful, Abbot. How about you, Costello? Would you bring me the moon on a silver platter? Well, I look like a waiter.
[00:10:09] Unknown:
The moon on a silver platter is a poetic expression like they use in song. Oh, you know I wrote a song about the moon? A very beautiful thing too. And what's the name of it? I call it Carolina Moon. What are you doing over Glendale? Stop, Costello. You know nothing about writing songs. Oh, I not only write songs. I sing them. Why? When I was in kindergarten every morning, I would get up in front of the class to sing rockabuy baby all the way through. Oh, that was marvelous. There was nothing to it. I was 21 years old at the time. Do you know any other songs, Castello? Every night I lay in bed and I sing an Irish lullaby.
[00:10:52] Unknown:
Did that put you to sleep, Costello?
[00:10:54] Unknown:
No. You don't think I'd stay awake and listen to that howling, are you?
[00:11:00] Unknown:
Well, I saw you last night, Costello. I saw you. You had a cat on a leash.
[00:11:06] Unknown:
And that certainly is a funny looking cat. Is he yours? Yes. He's mine. He's a football cat. I call him first down. What do you name the cat first down? Every night he's got 10 yards to go. Well, instead of being out walking a cat on a leash, a boy your age ought to be out with a girl. Well, I like cats better. They're smarter than girls anyway. What makes you say that cats are smarter than girls? Well, Abbott, no matter how a girl tries, she can't wash her face with her tongue.
[00:11:38] Unknown:
Pay no attention to them, Viola. Why don't you come over and see the preview of our of our new picture for you? I do some love scenes in the picture, and I I want you to see my my fade out kiss.
[00:11:49] Unknown:
You mean she'll see your faded out kisser?
[00:11:54] Unknown:
Anyway, Viola has got a date with me. Well, I don't think I'm gonna keep it, Costello. Why not? Well, last Sunday, he took me riding, and he insisted I wear a riding habit. Natural. Monday, he took me hiking, and he insisted I wear a hiking suit. Natural. Tuesday, he took me to dinner, and he insisted I wear a dinner gown. Well, why are you breaking the date tonight? Tonight, he wants to take me to a birthday party.
[00:12:24] Unknown:
Well, that did it. It's been a lot of fun, and it's been a beautiful evening up to now, Mabel.
[00:12:29] Unknown:
Mabel?
[00:12:30] Unknown:
My name is Viola. Well, whatever your name is, it's certainly been fun. Get him out of here.
[00:12:45] Unknown:
Gustela, something's got to be done about the parking conditions around this studio. Tonight, I couldn't see a parking space in front of the studio, in back of the studio, or even across the street from the studio. Could be worse. What do you mean? Yeah. But suppose you had a car? Yeah.
[00:12:58] Unknown:
Well, never mind that. Did your uncle Mike drive you down here tonight? No. My uncle Mike just took his California driver's test today. You should have seen him. He got in the car with the inspector, backed into a truck, bumped into a street car, and then he crashed into a stone wall. Did he pass? We won't know till next Wednesday. Why not? That's the day the inspector gets out of the hospital.
[00:13:16] Unknown:
Did your uncle Mike go to see his favorite, program?
[00:13:19] Unknown:
What's doing ladies? Yes. And there was a line in front of that studio two blocks long. Never mind that. How did he like what's doing ladies? I don't know. By the time he got in, they were through doing
[00:13:33] Unknown:
it. I don't
[00:13:36] Unknown:
you know, your uncle Mike is an ignoramus. He ought to get himself an education. Yes. He's got one of it. Why, ten years ago, uncle Mike was a garbage collector without an education. Then he went to night school, and he graduated. And what a difference that made in him. What is he now? A garbage collector with an education. Ma'am, never mind him, Costello. What is your Sam's shovel detective story for tonight? It's a fascinating case, Abbott. I call it the case of the curbstone murder or Gertie get out of the gutter and let the water go by.
[00:14:12] Unknown:
Sounds intriguing. Let's get on with the case. Yeah. Let's do that.
[00:14:20] Unknown:
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Take them home and throw them in your dresser. What a cigarette. So free. So easy on the drawers. And now to the adventures of Sam's trouble. Private detective.
[00:15:32] Unknown:
Yes. Yes. I'm Sam Shovell, private detective. I'm sitting in my little office looking at my new office, Dave. This time I got a real office, Dave. When I go home at night, I lock my office in it. I see a piece of string around my finger. Suddenly, I remember what it's for. It's to remind me to take the string off my finger. I reach in my pocket for my tobacco. There's a big hole in my pocket. That's the last time I'll buy chewing tobacco. Always chews a hole in my pocket. This detective racket is plenty tough. You've got to work in all kinds of weather. Just listen to that wind howling outside.
I'll give you that if you'll give me this. I'll give you this if you give me that. It's a trade win. It was such a nice night as this that I was called to sell the famous farmyard motor. A Finnish farmer had cut off his hired man's head. He hid it in the alfalfa. What a tough case. It was like finding a noodle in a haystack. I decide to shave. I rather my face. The razor hums through my whiskers. Saint Louis woman with all her diamond rings. I always use Gillette Blue's blade. I decide to dial up a little in case a client just come in. I put on my swallowtail coat. I take it off. Seems silly for a man my age to wear a coat made of swallowtails.
I noticed the headline in the morning paper. The country is in a strange position. On the next page, it says, eggs are going up. Chickens must be in a
[00:17:17] Unknown:
strange position
[00:17:22] Unknown:
too. Suddenly, the phone rings. Hello? Yes. This is Sam Shovell, the detective. Somebody that wants me to handle the case. Yes. No. No. I can't work that cheap. No. No. You know my price. What's that? 5,000? Okay. I'll take the case. Right. 5,000. But remember, all touchy rolls, no jelly beans. I thought of my friend, lieutenant Abbott of the homicide squad. I might get him to help me on this case. Some people think lieutenant Abbott has a screw loose in his head, but I know different. I tightened that screw in his head only yesterday. One thing I will say for lieutenant Abbott, he knows his onion. He can walk in any vegetable store and say that's an onion.
But he's a real cop. Abbott don't know the meaning of the word intimidation. That's only one of a million words you don't know the meaning of.
[00:18:30] Unknown:
Hello, Sam.
[00:18:32] Unknown:
It's my pal, lieutenant Abbott of the homicide squad. Sam,
[00:18:36] Unknown:
I'd like to leave my new cowhide briefcase in your office. That's a pretty briefcase, lieutenant. Yeah. Genuine cow hide. Open it. The cow is still hiding in it.
[00:18:50] Unknown:
There's a picture of your wife in it too. She looks kinda different in this picture.
[00:18:55] Unknown:
Her hair. She's wearing a page boy. Don't she look nice?
[00:19:00] Unknown:
It's hard to tell. The page boy's feet are hanging down over her feet.
[00:19:05] Unknown:
Enough of this nonsense, Sam.
[00:19:08] Unknown:
Cops caught an old friend of yours last night. Shirley, the shoplifter. Beautiful Shirley, the shoplifter. I once trailed her through a department store, through the shoe department, through the jewelry department, the furniture department, then I caught her in men's underwear.
[00:19:28] Unknown:
This is serious, Sam. Shirley is in the prison hospital. She's unconscious. She keeps moaning, Harry. Harry.
[00:19:37] Unknown:
Harry. You must be in the state of Como.
[00:19:43] Unknown:
Same. If you wanna see Shirley alive, we better get over to the hospital at once. Let's go.
[00:19:53] Unknown:
We arrived at the hospital. We were walking down the corridor. I was reading the signs on the door. Doctor. Kildare surgery back in ten minutes. Doctor. Nichols surgery back in fifteen minutes. Doctor Condon, perjury back in twenty years.
[00:20:11] Unknown:
Sam, here comes the doctor that's taking care of Shirley the shoplifter.
[00:20:15] Unknown:
He looks like a phony to me. I heard that, young man. I'll have you know that I've operated on over 300 patients and I never lost a single one of them. You didn't? No. I know where each one of them is buried. Doctor, can we go in and see Shirley now? Yes. But don't stay too long, please. The patient must not have too much excitement. Why not? How do I know? All the radio doctors say that. My goodness. Aren't you Sam Shovell, the detective? That's me. Ma'am, from the looks of you, you need medical attention. Shovell, if you come here tomorrow between two and four or between six and eight. Remember, between two and four or six and eight, I'll examine your head. Why can't I come between four and six? That's when they're examining my head.
[00:21:08] Unknown:
Come on, Sam Shubble. It's Shirley's room.
[00:21:13] Unknown:
Oh, poor Shirley. My poor Shirley. Sir, who are you? And what are you doing here? I'm Shirley's father. She's in the next room. She's got a femicide as known as the doctors will operate on. I'm afraid she'll die. Cheer up, friend. I will operate on Shirley.
[00:21:29] Unknown:
You? I thought you were a detective. Before I became a detective, I was known as young doctor Shovel. Are you sure you can do it, Sam? Am I sure I can do it? Certainly. I'll scan out to the car and get my satchel of surgical instruments.
[00:21:46] Unknown:
I think the woman should've got a satchel. She's right in there, Sam. Here I go.
[00:21:56] Unknown:
Has anybody got a hammer? Here's a hammer. Thanks. Anybody got a chisel? Here's a chisel. Anybody got a blowtorch?
[00:22:04] Unknown:
Wait a minute. Sam. Sam, hammer, chisel, blowtorch.
[00:22:08] Unknown:
What are you doing to Shirley? What, Shirley? First, I gotta open my setchel.
Step into the world of power, loyalty, and luck. I'm gonna make him an offer he can't refuse. With family, cannolis, and spins mean everything. Now you wanna get mixed up in the family business. Introducing The Godfather Godfather at champacasino.com. Test your luck in the shadowy world of The Godfather slot. Someday, I will call upon you to do a service for me. Play The Godfather now at champacasino.com.
[00:00:28] Unknown:
Welcome to the family. No purchase necessary. VGW group. Boy where prohibited by law. 18 plus. Terms and conditions apply. With Lucky Lancelot, you can get lucky just about anywhere. Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to has anyone seen the bride and groom? Sorry. Sorry. We're here. We were getting lucky in the limo, and we lost track of time.
[00:00:48] Unknown:
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[00:00:55] Unknown:
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[00:01:20] Unknown:
Alright. Alright. Quiet down. Quiet down. Quiet down. Quiet down. Quiet down. Quiet down. Quiet
[00:01:25] Unknown:
down.
[00:01:26] Unknown:
What are you doing with those boxing gloves? I'm going after the Golden Gloves tournament. I've been training. You a price fighter? Yes. I'm known as Butcher Boy Costello. Butcher Boy Costello? Yes. I gave my opponent a left to the heart, a right to the kidneys, a left to the chops, and a right cross to the short rib. And then? He knocked me on my pot roast.
[00:01:45] Unknown:
You don't even look like a fighter. Being strong is all in the mind, you know, Costello. It is? Sure. You you have to think strong. Think of Atlas, and you you'll have a shape like him. Think of Hercules, and you'll have a a shape like his. That method won't work with me, Abbott. Why not? I keep thinking thinking of Rita Hayworth.
[00:02:00] Unknown:
I what do you think will happen to you if you got knocked around and got punched, drunk, and goofy? I can always be a straight man like you. Sure. You can.
[00:02:13] Unknown:
How do you think you'd look with a cauliflower ear?
[00:02:16] Unknown:
Mushroom nose and a squashed face. I'd be the only guy in Hollywood with a built in home garden. Castell, you're a moron. What, sir? You're a moron. That's enough of it. One more word out of you, and I'll fight. Idiot. That ain't the word. Costello, you're in a class with a nimbusole. I know. Want me to help you out with your homework? I'll get him out of here.
[00:02:38] Unknown:
Free. Free. Alright.
[00:02:44] Unknown:
Alright. Alright. What's the matter with you? You look terrible. I never saw you looking so bad, Lou. What happened to you? What happened? Yeah. You know what happened. What? I don't get a chance to do nothing on the show. Oh, stop. Oh, I went to that quiz show. Truth or coincidences?
[00:02:59] Unknown:
Uh-uh.
[00:03:00] Unknown:
They asked me a question when I when I didn't give them the answer. They hit me over the head with a crowbar and ripped my clothes off and hit me in the face with a pie and squirt of dirty water all over me. Well, that's terrible. Yeah. But the joke was on them. It was? Mhmm. I knew the answer all the time. You should quit hanging around quiz shows trying to win something for nothing. You ought to get yourself a job and go to work. I tried to. I studied to be a bartender. I went to the bartender school for two years and I still can't get a job. Why not? I can't fix a television set.
[00:03:27] Unknown:
I I thought so. You're just stupid. Your whole family is stupid.
[00:03:32] Unknown:
How can you say that? My uncle Mike is a very brilliant man. He invented the cotton gin, the telephone, and the steamboat. What about Whitney, Bell, and Fulton? Leave the Andrews sisters out of this.
[00:03:44] Unknown:
What is your what is your uncle Mike doing now, Lou? He's part time lifeguard at the Del Mar Hotel Swimming Pool. Are you kidding? Uncle Mike can't even swim. That's why he's only working part time.
[00:03:54] Unknown:
He had a lot of trouble with Aunt May last week. He did? Yeah. He got her a new set of false teeth, and he told her not to take them out. He begged her not to take them out. He pleaded with her not to take them out, but she did. What happened? Her head collapsed. And your aunt May is quite a woman, Lou. She wait she raised quite a family. Oh, yes. Three years ago at the Palace and Fair, she won first prize for having the most little boys in one family. She had 15 little boys. Mhmm. What was first prize? A little boy.
[00:04:22] Unknown:
Never mind that.
[00:04:24] Unknown:
Whatever happened to your aunt May's, younger sister? Oh, she graduated from high school this year, and she's so excited. She's going to Harvard. Harvard? Harvard is a boys' school. Yeah. That's why she's so excited.
[00:04:36] Unknown:
She's going to Harvard. That's ridiculous. None of your family ever went to college. That's all. I'm taking a night course right now at UCLA.
[00:04:42] Unknown:
Well, no. I'm glad to hear it. In other words, that's Euclid. Oh, well, there's three out of UCLA. I'm glad to hear it, Lou. How are you making out? Not so good. Monday night, the teacher asked each pupil to bring something that would show what they wanna be when they when they get out of school. Well, now that sounds interesting. Yeah. One guy wanna be a policeman, so he brought a button off a policeman's uniform. One girl wanted to be a nurse, so she brought a button off a nurse's uniform. Another guy wanted to be a fireman, so he brought a button off a fireman's uniform. And what did you bring? Nothing. Why not? I wanted to be married. How are you gonna get a button off of that?
[00:05:16] Unknown:
You wanna be married? You don't know the first thing about marriage. You don't even know what it takes to make a marriage. I do so. It only takes two people to make a marriage. Well, that's right. A single girl and an anxious mother. Right.
[00:05:28] Unknown:
As far as I'm concerned, marriage is a three ring circus. What do you mean a three ring circus? Well, first, the engagement ring Yes. Then the wedding ring, and then suffering. Oh, stop. Are you still going with that striptease dancer at the burlap show? Oh, sure. Every night, I bring her three roses. Does she wear them? He has to. It's our custom. What about that new girl that moved in the apartment next to you? Well, I tell you, I've been I had a date with her, and she's a bachelor girl. Well, what makes you think she's a bachelor girl? She looks more like a bachelor than she does a girl. What girl is she, though? I haven't asked in a girl's age. It's like buying a used car. What do you mean? Well, you know the speedometer has been set back, but you don't know how far.
Where where did you take her on the date? Well, we went to a soda fountain and have one of those fancy dishes. You know, ice cream and bananas? Split? No. I paid the whole check. Alright. She doesn't sound like she doesn't sound like the kind of girl for you, Costello. Tell me, do you still, do you still date that cute little blonde from her moment? Oh, sure. I had a date to go horseback riding with her last night. You did? Yes. We rode along through the moonlight. It was beautiful. Her horse was nuzzling my horse. My horse was nuzzling her horse. Must have been fun. It was for the horses. My girl didn't show up.
I guess she showed me because I bought her mother a girdle, and her mother got mad too. Well, what size does her mother wear? Small, medium, or large? Oh, no. No. No. Women's girdles don't come in those sizes, Adam. They don't? Oh, no. What sizes do they come in? Large, larger, and here comes the showboat. Hello, uncle bud. Hello, uncle Louis. I left orders with the doorman not to let you win. Now how did you get past him? I held your script under his nose and then stepped over his body. There must be a way to keep this guy out of here. Now I've got it. I'll hypnotize him. Come over here, Norman. Now wait a minute, Christel. What are you gonna do to him? I'm gonna hypnotize him and put him to sleep. Look me straight in the eye, Norman. Okay. You're going to sleep. Abba Dabba sleep.
Abba Dabba sleep. Abba Dabba sleep.
[00:07:50] Unknown:
I think it's working, Uncle Louie. It is? Yeah. My Abba Dabba is asleep. Really, Norman. He's my sister Olive's boy. And Olive is a very lovely person and a big woman in this town. I noticed that your sister Olive was built like the state of Indiana.
[00:08:06] Unknown:
Just what do you mean? She has a large South Bend.
[00:08:12] Unknown:
My sister Olive is a leader of society. Before she moved to Hollywood, she was the rage of Kansas City. Your sister, Olive, would throw any city into a rage.
[00:08:19] Unknown:
She came to the right place when she came to Hollywood. She's a typical Hollywood girl. What do you mean? A Hollywood girl at 30 has wrinkles. At 35, she has gray hair. And at 40, she becomes a blonde and starts all over again.
[00:08:32] Unknown:
Tell you what you want about my sister, Robin, but she's a very well educated woman. She's a college graduate, and she has a sheepskin.
[00:08:39] Unknown:
I noticed that. You ought to try using Jurgen's solution. You
[00:08:47] Unknown:
know, you you know, you have no business ridiculing my family. Now last week, you were picking on my wife. My wife comes from one of the finest families in California.
[00:08:55] Unknown:
She's a Tracy. Any relation to Dick Tracy?
[00:08:59] Unknown:
Certainly not. Certainly not. Dick Tracy is a character in a comic book.
[00:09:03] Unknown:
Your wife has no oil painting. Hello, boys. Hey. Look, Costello. It's our secretary, Viola Vaughn. Well, Viola, Viola, Viola, you're starting to look lovely tonight. What is that you're wearing? Oh, do you like it? This is my nightclub dress. Nightclub dress? Don't you get it out of it? No cover. Okay.
[00:09:26] Unknown:
Oh, you look gorgeous tonight. You and I would make a lovely pair. We'd be just like a couple of lovebirds. Would we? Oh, I'll show you. First, I put one wing around you like this. Then I put my other wing around you like this. Then I put then I beak up close to your beef. Then I coo softly.
[00:09:42] Unknown:
What do I do? Don't stand there, Viola. Drop a worm in his mouth.
[00:09:51] Unknown:
Now I'm serious about it, and you're not. Why, Viola,
[00:09:58] Unknown:
I'd bring you the moon on a silver platter. Oh, that's wonderful, Abbot. How about you, Costello? Would you bring me the moon on a silver platter? Well, I look like a waiter.
[00:10:09] Unknown:
The moon on a silver platter is a poetic expression like they use in song. Oh, you know I wrote a song about the moon? A very beautiful thing too. And what's the name of it? I call it Carolina Moon. What are you doing over Glendale? Stop, Costello. You know nothing about writing songs. Oh, I not only write songs. I sing them. Why? When I was in kindergarten every morning, I would get up in front of the class to sing rockabuy baby all the way through. Oh, that was marvelous. There was nothing to it. I was 21 years old at the time. Do you know any other songs, Castello? Every night I lay in bed and I sing an Irish lullaby.
[00:10:52] Unknown:
Did that put you to sleep, Costello?
[00:10:54] Unknown:
No. You don't think I'd stay awake and listen to that howling, are you?
[00:11:00] Unknown:
Well, I saw you last night, Costello. I saw you. You had a cat on a leash.
[00:11:06] Unknown:
And that certainly is a funny looking cat. Is he yours? Yes. He's mine. He's a football cat. I call him first down. What do you name the cat first down? Every night he's got 10 yards to go. Well, instead of being out walking a cat on a leash, a boy your age ought to be out with a girl. Well, I like cats better. They're smarter than girls anyway. What makes you say that cats are smarter than girls? Well, Abbott, no matter how a girl tries, she can't wash her face with her tongue.
[00:11:38] Unknown:
Pay no attention to them, Viola. Why don't you come over and see the preview of our of our new picture for you? I do some love scenes in the picture, and I I want you to see my my fade out kiss.
[00:11:49] Unknown:
You mean she'll see your faded out kisser?
[00:11:54] Unknown:
Anyway, Viola has got a date with me. Well, I don't think I'm gonna keep it, Costello. Why not? Well, last Sunday, he took me riding, and he insisted I wear a riding habit. Natural. Monday, he took me hiking, and he insisted I wear a hiking suit. Natural. Tuesday, he took me to dinner, and he insisted I wear a dinner gown. Well, why are you breaking the date tonight? Tonight, he wants to take me to a birthday party.
[00:12:24] Unknown:
Well, that did it. It's been a lot of fun, and it's been a beautiful evening up to now, Mabel.
[00:12:29] Unknown:
Mabel?
[00:12:30] Unknown:
My name is Viola. Well, whatever your name is, it's certainly been fun. Get him out of here.
[00:12:45] Unknown:
Gustela, something's got to be done about the parking conditions around this studio. Tonight, I couldn't see a parking space in front of the studio, in back of the studio, or even across the street from the studio. Could be worse. What do you mean? Yeah. But suppose you had a car? Yeah.
[00:12:58] Unknown:
Well, never mind that. Did your uncle Mike drive you down here tonight? No. My uncle Mike just took his California driver's test today. You should have seen him. He got in the car with the inspector, backed into a truck, bumped into a street car, and then he crashed into a stone wall. Did he pass? We won't know till next Wednesday. Why not? That's the day the inspector gets out of the hospital.
[00:13:16] Unknown:
Did your uncle Mike go to see his favorite, program?
[00:13:19] Unknown:
What's doing ladies? Yes. And there was a line in front of that studio two blocks long. Never mind that. How did he like what's doing ladies? I don't know. By the time he got in, they were through doing
[00:13:33] Unknown:
it. I don't
[00:13:36] Unknown:
you know, your uncle Mike is an ignoramus. He ought to get himself an education. Yes. He's got one of it. Why, ten years ago, uncle Mike was a garbage collector without an education. Then he went to night school, and he graduated. And what a difference that made in him. What is he now? A garbage collector with an education. Ma'am, never mind him, Costello. What is your Sam's shovel detective story for tonight? It's a fascinating case, Abbott. I call it the case of the curbstone murder or Gertie get out of the gutter and let the water go by.
[00:14:12] Unknown:
Sounds intriguing. Let's get on with the case. Yeah. Let's do that.
[00:14:20] Unknown:
And now the makers of Smudge Pot cigarettes present the further adventures of Sam Shovel Private Detective. But first, a word about our product, Smudge Pot cigarettes. Smudge Pots are the only cigarettes that contain no nicotine, no harmful tars, no tobacco. These cigarettes are made only from the finest domestic and Turkish towels. And remember our slogan. Mud Pots are the only cigarettes that contain alum. Our slogan is pucker while you puff. Now go to your cigar store tonight. They will give you a package of Smudge Pots for nothing. The package has no sharp edges.
Take them home and throw them in your dresser. What a cigarette. So free. So easy on the drawers. And now to the adventures of Sam's trouble. Private detective.
[00:15:32] Unknown:
Yes. Yes. I'm Sam Shovell, private detective. I'm sitting in my little office looking at my new office, Dave. This time I got a real office, Dave. When I go home at night, I lock my office in it. I see a piece of string around my finger. Suddenly, I remember what it's for. It's to remind me to take the string off my finger. I reach in my pocket for my tobacco. There's a big hole in my pocket. That's the last time I'll buy chewing tobacco. Always chews a hole in my pocket. This detective racket is plenty tough. You've got to work in all kinds of weather. Just listen to that wind howling outside.
I'll give you that if you'll give me this. I'll give you this if you give me that. It's a trade win. It was such a nice night as this that I was called to sell the famous farmyard motor. A Finnish farmer had cut off his hired man's head. He hid it in the alfalfa. What a tough case. It was like finding a noodle in a haystack. I decide to shave. I rather my face. The razor hums through my whiskers. Saint Louis woman with all her diamond rings. I always use Gillette Blue's blade. I decide to dial up a little in case a client just come in. I put on my swallowtail coat. I take it off. Seems silly for a man my age to wear a coat made of swallowtails.
I noticed the headline in the morning paper. The country is in a strange position. On the next page, it says, eggs are going up. Chickens must be in a
[00:17:17] Unknown:
strange position
[00:17:22] Unknown:
too. Suddenly, the phone rings. Hello? Yes. This is Sam Shovell, the detective. Somebody that wants me to handle the case. Yes. No. No. I can't work that cheap. No. No. You know my price. What's that? 5,000? Okay. I'll take the case. Right. 5,000. But remember, all touchy rolls, no jelly beans. I thought of my friend, lieutenant Abbott of the homicide squad. I might get him to help me on this case. Some people think lieutenant Abbott has a screw loose in his head, but I know different. I tightened that screw in his head only yesterday. One thing I will say for lieutenant Abbott, he knows his onion. He can walk in any vegetable store and say that's an onion.
But he's a real cop. Abbott don't know the meaning of the word intimidation. That's only one of a million words you don't know the meaning of.
[00:18:30] Unknown:
Hello, Sam.
[00:18:32] Unknown:
It's my pal, lieutenant Abbott of the homicide squad. Sam,
[00:18:36] Unknown:
I'd like to leave my new cowhide briefcase in your office. That's a pretty briefcase, lieutenant. Yeah. Genuine cow hide. Open it. The cow is still hiding in it.
[00:18:50] Unknown:
There's a picture of your wife in it too. She looks kinda different in this picture.
[00:18:55] Unknown:
Her hair. She's wearing a page boy. Don't she look nice?
[00:19:00] Unknown:
It's hard to tell. The page boy's feet are hanging down over her feet.
[00:19:05] Unknown:
Enough of this nonsense, Sam.
[00:19:08] Unknown:
Cops caught an old friend of yours last night. Shirley, the shoplifter. Beautiful Shirley, the shoplifter. I once trailed her through a department store, through the shoe department, through the jewelry department, the furniture department, then I caught her in men's underwear.
[00:19:28] Unknown:
This is serious, Sam. Shirley is in the prison hospital. She's unconscious. She keeps moaning, Harry. Harry.
[00:19:37] Unknown:
Harry. You must be in the state of Como.
[00:19:43] Unknown:
Same. If you wanna see Shirley alive, we better get over to the hospital at once. Let's go.
[00:19:53] Unknown:
We arrived at the hospital. We were walking down the corridor. I was reading the signs on the door. Doctor. Kildare surgery back in ten minutes. Doctor. Nichols surgery back in fifteen minutes. Doctor Condon, perjury back in twenty years.
[00:20:11] Unknown:
Sam, here comes the doctor that's taking care of Shirley the shoplifter.
[00:20:15] Unknown:
He looks like a phony to me. I heard that, young man. I'll have you know that I've operated on over 300 patients and I never lost a single one of them. You didn't? No. I know where each one of them is buried. Doctor, can we go in and see Shirley now? Yes. But don't stay too long, please. The patient must not have too much excitement. Why not? How do I know? All the radio doctors say that. My goodness. Aren't you Sam Shovell, the detective? That's me. Ma'am, from the looks of you, you need medical attention. Shovell, if you come here tomorrow between two and four or between six and eight. Remember, between two and four or six and eight, I'll examine your head. Why can't I come between four and six? That's when they're examining my head.
[00:21:08] Unknown:
Come on, Sam Shubble. It's Shirley's room.
[00:21:13] Unknown:
Oh, poor Shirley. My poor Shirley. Sir, who are you? And what are you doing here? I'm Shirley's father. She's in the next room. She's got a femicide as known as the doctors will operate on. I'm afraid she'll die. Cheer up, friend. I will operate on Shirley.
[00:21:29] Unknown:
You? I thought you were a detective. Before I became a detective, I was known as young doctor Shovel. Are you sure you can do it, Sam? Am I sure I can do it? Certainly. I'll scan out to the car and get my satchel of surgical instruments.
[00:21:46] Unknown:
I think the woman should've got a satchel. She's right in there, Sam. Here I go.
[00:21:56] Unknown:
Has anybody got a hammer? Here's a hammer. Thanks. Anybody got a chisel? Here's a chisel. Anybody got a blowtorch?
[00:22:04] Unknown:
Wait a minute. Sam. Sam, hammer, chisel, blowtorch.
[00:22:08] Unknown:
What are you doing to Shirley? What, Shirley? First, I gotta open my setchel.
