In this lively episode, we dive into a world of humor and chaos with a comedic skit that takes us through a series of hilarious scenarios. From a visit to the movies that ends in an unexpected altercation, to a series of misadventures involving jobs and dates, the laughs keep coming. Our hosts engage in witty banter about everything from family antics to the challenges of driving in Los Angeles, all while weaving in clever wordplay and absurd situations.
As the episode unfolds, we are taken on a comedic journey that includes a discussion about vacations, a run-in with a travel bureau, and a humorous take on various travel destinations. The episode culminates in a whimsical adventure on a deserted island, complete with cannibals and a surprising rescue. With its rapid-fire jokes and playful storytelling, this episode is sure to entertain and leave listeners chuckling.
(00:00) Introduction to The Godfather Slot Game
(01:13) Comedy Skit: Theater and Jobs
(05:02) Musical Interlude and Comedy
(09:10) Vacation Plans and Travel Bureau
(18:20) Stranded on a Desert Island
Listen to our radio station Old Time Radio https://link.radioking.com/otradio
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[00:00:00]
Unknown:
Step into the world of power, loyalty, and luck. I'm gonna make him an offer he can't refuse. With family, cannolis, and spins mean everything. Now you wanna get mixed up in the family business. Introducing The Godfather Godfather at champacasino.com. Test your luck in the shadowy world of The Godfather slot. Someday, I will call upon you to do a service for me. Play The Godfather now at champacasino.com. Welcome to the family. No purchase necessary.
[00:00:31] Unknown:
Group. Boy where prohibited by law. 18 plus. Terms and conditions apply.
[00:00:35] Unknown:
Okay. Round two. Name something that's not boring.
[00:00:39] Unknown:
Laundry? Oh, a book club. Computer solitaire.
[00:00:46] Unknown:
Sorry. We were looking for Chumba Casino. Chumba. That's right. Chumbacasino.com has over a hundred casino style games. Join today and play for free for your chance to redeem some serious prizes. Chumba. Chumba casino dot com.
[00:01:13] Unknown:
Alright. Alright. Alright, Hey. Wait a minute. Where where have you been? Where have you been? Well, I I went to the movies to see our latest picture. Yes. The news hangs high. News yes. Yeah. And I tried to make a guy give me a seat, and he called the usher. What happened? Well, I called the usher. I said, oh, look at it. I own the theater. And he took me out of the seat, punched me in the nose. He threw me out in the alley. Boy, was I lucky. Lucky? Yeah. If he did that to the owner of the theater, what would he have done to me? Why don't why don't you settle down and get yourself a job, Lou?
I don't think why don't you settle down and get a job? You know, some of the stuff was on the stuff I threw away. I know. Hey, Adam. What? I had a job, but I got fired. I installed an electric dishwasher and a garbage disposal in the lady's house, but Sutton must have got mixed up. Why? It's disposed of all her dishes, and she's got the cleanest garbage in town. You know, speaking of garbage, Lou, you you told me you had a date tonight. Oh, yes. Speaking of garbage I've been talking about the market in that way. I hope you You you didn't tell me that. Remind you that I had a date? That's right. No. Not exactly that, but Speaking of garbage. No. No. No. No. I didn't mean to that way, though. A swell date. Yeah. Alright. Alright. I know. But you didn't have a date, please.
Yes. I did have it. I had a very nice date. I had a I had a date with my new girl. She works in the library, and she told me to meet her right behind the Encyclopedia Britannica. Right behind the Encyclopedia Britannica? Oh, gee. Don't you think I wanna learn something? For fuck's sake. What were you doing in the library in the first place? Like encyclopedias? Yes. Yes. Yes. When I was around that boy, my mama bought me encyclopedias. You did? Well, that's one night. I used to ride to school on my encyclopedia. Oh, you Pastella, will you stop that walking up and down? What's the matter with you? What are you worried about? Saturday, Saturday night, they arrested my uncle, Jim Kelly. He broke into a grocery store and stole $390.
Why did he do it? The poor guy was hungry. Well, if he was hungry, why didn't he steal all why didn't he steal all money, Lou? Why didn't he steal some groceries or something? He's a proud man, Abbott. He likes to pay for everything he gets. Besides, he needs the money to buy a new car. Oh, wait a minute. He'd be better off without a car. Costello, it's it's very dangerous driving in California. You're telling me? In Los Angeles, you have to drive for five people. The one in front of you, the one in back of you, and the ones on each side of you. Oh, wait a minute. That's only four cars. Where's the fifth? You'll pull out in front of you any minute.
Well, Abbot, I gotta leave now. I got a new job with my brother Pat in the trucking business. Has he has he got his own truck? Yeah. Hey. You should see it, Abbot. It's one inch wide and a block long. A truck an inch wide and a block long? Mhmm. What is he delivering it? Spaghetti. Oh, sad. Mhmm. Is your brother Pat making any money in the trucking business, Lou? Oh, yeah. He did so good last week that he bought his wife one of those new electric blankets. Saves her a lot of time around the house. I waited how can an electric blanket help her with the work around the house? Well, she takes the eggs and the bacon to bed with her. And when she gets up in the morning, breakfast is ready. That electric blanket is making her very popular too. What do you mean? Last night, she turned it on too high, and now Yes. He's the host of the town, hon.
[00:05:02] Unknown:
Well, mister Costello, mister Costello, I've gotta talk to you. I've got a great idea. Wait a minute, mister. What's the idea of breaking a thing like this? Oh, I've got an idea that will make you two of the most popular comedy team in radio. What is it? I'll stamp your name underneath every tower in the country. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. How will that make us popular? Well, at least you'll have all the farmers pulling for you.
[00:05:31] Unknown:
Well, hello, Costello. It's it's our singing sauce, Susan Miller. Susan, I'm certainly glad you shut up tonight because I'm gonna sing a duel with you. Just tell her. You mean a duet? A duel is where somebody gets hurt. You never sang with me, did you? Now when did you become a singer, Costello? Well, I don't like to brag, but would you believe that I thought Bing Crosby how to sing? No. I wouldn't. You're right. Once in a while, I catch a sucker. Costello, you don't know the first thing about music. Well, I've had you know what I studied music. Nah. I went to singing school. I used to study until I was blue in the face, and then the teacher presented me with a medal. For being the best singer in the class? No. For having the bluest face. Well, I've got to go now, boy. So I'll get some.
You know, there goes a nice kid, Abbot. The only thing is she's money mad. Money mad? Yeah. She's mad because I ain't got no money. Ah, so what? Remember, Costello, money isn't everything. You know, you can't take it with you. It's nice to have it here so you can say goodbye to it. You know, my family's always had money. In fact, my uncle Rudolph was one of the first gold miners in California. One day when he was in the mine digging for gold, he was killed by a falling spade. A falling spade killed my uncle Tom. Was he a gold miner? No. He was killed by the ancient spades that fell out of his sleeve in a poker game. Well, Costello, you'll never have to worry about money as long as I got it. We're pals. Share and share alike.
Well, I feel the same way about you, Evan. That's you you mean you share everything you have with me? If you had two cars, you'd give me one? Sure. If you had two houses, you'd give one of them to me? I certainly would. And if you had, two department stores, you'd you'd give me one? Yes, sir. We're pals. Sharon, share alike. Well, if you had $2, would you give me one? No. Why? Of course, I've got $2. Well, that's the way you feel, I thought I was your pal. Are you trying to tell me that money means more to you than I do? I didn't get that happen. Well, does it?
That settles it, Gastel. I'm going on my vacation to New Jersey, and I'm not taking you with me. Who wants to go to New Jersey now? When we were there last summer, the mosquitoes were so big they were carrying baseball bats. I woke up in the middle of the night, and two of them were sitting on my stomach holding a conversation. Don't just tell me who mosquitoes can't talk. Don't tell me these two were certainly chewing the fat. Well, Castell, on second thought, I don't think I'll go to New Jersey. I I need a complete rest where nobody would bother me where the name Bud Abbott means nothing. Oh, you're staying in town, I Never mind that. Where are you going? Well, Well, I think I go to Honolulu. Last time I was there, I met a beautiful maid of yours.
She was gorgeous and wonderful. All day, walk around carrying a big basket on her head. Then at night, sneak off. Our brothers. Did? Yes. You should see me carry a basket on my head. You idiot girls are making a nervous wreck out of you. That's up there. I know it. I know it too. I've been buttoning my suspenders to my socks, and it saves me a lot of money. Oh, close my socks up so far, I don't have to wear pants. Never mind that. Have you been getting plenty of rest? No. And I've been having a lot of trouble going to sleep. Last night, I didn't fall asleep till 11:00. What time do you go to bed? Five minutes to eleven. That's silly. You need a vacation. You've gotta stop running around with girls. It's affecting your brain.
You're right. I know it. Last night, I had a date to pick up a girl at Hollywood And Vine. I drove down to Hollywood And Vine. Then I went to dinner, and all during dinner, I felt as if I forgot something. Then to a movie, and all through the movie, I felt as though I'd forgotten something. Then I go to Griffith Park, and I started tonight. And I still felt as if I forgotten something. Then I went home, and I remembered what I forgot. What was it? I forgot to pick up the girl. 11. Alright. I got an awful headache. Would you run to the drugstore and get me some aspirin? No. Hey, Maddie. Would you run to get me run to the drugstore and get me some aspirin? No. Will anybody here run for some aspirin? No. Oh, thanks, kid.
You know, right now, I got no joke. No. Nobody will go after it. Nobody will go after it. No. Nobody will go after the accident. No. Okay. Hand me the phone. I'll get that expert. I'll put in a long distance call to Washington. Who who who are you calling in Washington? Henry Wallace. That guy will run for anything. Right. Johnson, what what what gave you the headache? Well, I've been putting my uncle Mike on his job, and it's hard, steady work. What is what does he do? Well, he fills cracks in the walls of veterans' houses. Well, I thought your uncle Mike was a dairy farmer. He was, but his cow got hit on the head and lost her memory. The cow lost her memory? Yes. Now she gives milk of amnesia. You wanna run for that kid?
Your uncle Mike must feel pretty bad about it. Yes. He gave me a nervous breakdown. Is he very nervous? Well, he's not so nervous, but he's slightly nuts. He thinks it. He thinks he's a maraschino cherry, and it's very expensive. Why? The The only place you can sleep is in a bathtub full of whipped cream. That's telling your whole family is always getting into trouble. I guess you're right. I know it. Last night, my brother packed one to a burler show and got a handful of popcorn in his eye. Oh, wait a minute. How could he get a handful of popcorn in his eye at a burler's theater? His eye was open so wide, he thought it was his mouth. Never mind about your brother.
I'm worried about you. Tonight when you go home, make a make a lot of hot tea with lemon. Then soak your feet in the tub. Last night, I didn't like it. Why? The lemon kept tickling my feet. I say yes. You're going to take a vacation. You gotta get away from girls. Come on. We go to the travel bureau. There it is. Stone's travel bureau. Let's go in. Come right in, gentlemen. I'll be with you just as soon as I finish this phone call. Yeah? Oh, your wife don't like the trip you've arranged? Well, call me again when she makes up her mind. Goodbye.
Who's that? Mister and missus Stern. They're going on their honeymoon, and they can't make up their mind. He wants to take a trip around the world, and she wants to go someplace else. Alright. What can I do for you, gentlemen? We're having a tough start. We're thinking of leaving the country. Mhmm. Well, I saw your last picture. The news hangs high. And if I were you, I wouldn't even stop to think. You're a pretty fresh guy, aren't you? Just Just who are you? I own this travel bureau. My name is Stone. First name is Roland. Roland Stone.
Roland Stone. That's right. Rolling Stone. From the looks of your head, you haven't gathered anymore. Pay no attention to it, mister Stone. Danzel has been very nervous lately, and he wants to go on a vacation. Well, how about our island tour? That takes you to Panama. After that comes Cuba. After that comes Bermuda. After that comes Haiti. What comes after Haiti? Haiti One, Haiti Two, Haiti Three. You like that tour? It'll cost you $700. I know, but wait a minute. Costello hasn't got $700. Oh, then, Costello, maybe you'd be interested in this tour. Of course, you'd have to take along a bag of onions, a box of salt, a frying pan, a mix master, and a double boiler.
What kind of tour is that? A cook's tour. Pastello, why why don't you go to Yellowstone Park and see old people? Yes. I used to go out and taste with old people. She was quite a girl. Castello, old faithful is a big jagged mess of from old fossil that's about steam every hour. That's her. Never mind your girl. Castello, if you don't mind traveling with a group, here's a trip that takes in most of Europe. It takes in Bulgaria. It takes in Czechoslovakia. It takes in Yugoslavia. What group do I have to travel with? The Russian army. Wait a minute, Castillo. I I have an idea. Why don't you take a trip to Italy?
Italy. Of course. In Italy, you know, they have a town where the streets are filled with water, nothing but water. They call it Venice. When it rains, there's a town like that right here in California. We call it Burbank. Mister Stone, I think Costello should go to some helpful climate. How about Sweden? Ah, yes. Of course. Sweden. Sweden, the match country. You know something? Sweden makes more matches than anyone else in the world. More than Lana Turner? Cassello, maybe you'd like to see one of the seven wonders of the world. How'd you like that? The leaning power of pizza. You know, it leans way over to one side. There's nothing like it in the world. Have you seen some of the houses they're building for the veterans here?
Mister Stone, what are the prices of these tours? All the different prices. Now for instance, a tour to England cost $500, tour to France cost $700, and a trip to Russia, a trip to Russia, Costello, will cost exactly 75¢. Oh, wait a minute. Only 75¢ to go to Russia? How can you afford to make such an offer? Who's gonna go? Alright. Now, Cassello, how much money have you got to spend on your vacation? I got between 98 and $100. Well, which is it? 98 or a hundred? Between 98 and 100. I got $2. Well, mister Stone, do you have any kind of a tour for $2? Oh, yes. We have a wonderful $2 vacation for sport like Casella. I'll take it. I'll take it. When do we leave? Right now. Okay. '23. Where is this $2 for a ticket? For a brisk walk through the La Brea car pit. Mister Sullivan mister Sullivan, Haven't you some place where we could go where it's nice?
Quiet? Yes. Why don't we just stay here? It's been mighty quiet since the beginning of the program. Hey. By George, I've got it. Just a place for peace and quiet. It's a desert island 2,000 miles offshore. Well, what will it cost us to get there? To get there, nothing. I'll take you there myself in my own boat. I just want a thought I could see Does seasickness affect you very much? The last time I was on a ship, I looked so green that when I walked into a budget room, this steward racked up my eyeballs and shot them into the side pocket. Come on, Costello. We're going on that boat.
Well, gentlemen, there's the island. What do you think? It's a horrible looking place. I don't like it. What are you complaining about, Castello? It didn't cost us anything to get here. I wanna go back. To go back, it'll cost you $300. Okay. I ain't got no $300. All ashore that's going to ashore, and that means you, Beto. Get off the phone. Goodbye. Have fun. Well, I can give that in Castello. We're all alone on this deserted island. We may die here. I I don't wanna die. I I'm too young. I'm only 25. What happened? You're only 25 years old? Yes. And I got nothing to worry about. Why?
You're only 25. You're here alone. I haven't been born yet. But now how can you joke about this? Here we are, 2,000 miles from no food, no water. We're in more trouble than anybody else in the world. Have you read the Kinsey report on Maddie Malick right now? Estelle, this is Billy Gil. Oh, pal, I I I think I'm going to die on this island.
[00:19:33] Unknown:
Hello? My buddy.
[00:19:36] Unknown:
Yes, sir.
[00:19:37] Unknown:
When you get back, find the woman I love. Go to her and tell her I love her dearly. Take that message to the woman I love. Okay, Evan.
[00:19:48] Unknown:
To the woman you love. Yes. To the woman I love. But what shall I tell your wife? I Come on. We've gotta find a way to get off this avenue. Look. I tell her. Terrible. One of them is coming twice. You're looking for Ireland. That's for you. Hey, Abbott. Get me out of here, will you? Right. Right, Costello. Animals. Headhunting. They drink people's head. That is the biggest drinker I ever saw. Don't be afraid. We're peaceful cannibals. Don't don't you even fight with the other tribes?
[00:20:30] Unknown:
We never fight.
[00:20:31] Unknown:
We haven't had a war two hundred years. Well, how how do you explain that? We're not civilized. Where you boys from? California. Never heard of it. You know, California. Oranges? Never heard of it. California. California. You know, Lana Turner. Oh, yeah. I'll buy poppy. Chief, maybe you know my uncle Tom. He was shipwrecked on one of these islands with a beautiful redhead. For three whole years, he was on the island alone with this gorgeous redhead, then a terrible thing happened. What? He was rescued. I tell her I'm afraid we'll never be rescued. Oh, pal. This is it. This is the end. Don't say that, Abbott. I don't wanna die. Don't worry, Catella.
[00:21:19] Unknown:
We'll soon be in heaven at the pearly gates. And when Gabriel sees you, he'll blow his horn. Sees you, he'll blow his top hat.
[00:21:31] Unknown:
Hey. Hey. Love. Love. Love, Castello. A plane. Quick. See signal. Quick. Signal. Hurry up. Take off your sorry. Wave it. Hurry up. Okay. Hurry up. Take it off. I'm waving my shirt. Okay. Look. The plane is coming over. They stole my shirt. They stole my shirt. Hey. Look. Drop the package of supplies, and there's no tie to it. Oh, they saw my shirt. They saw my shirt. Quick. Read the note. What does it say? Okay. It says wash that dirty shirt.
Step into the world of power, loyalty, and luck. I'm gonna make him an offer he can't refuse. With family, cannolis, and spins mean everything. Now you wanna get mixed up in the family business. Introducing The Godfather Godfather at champacasino.com. Test your luck in the shadowy world of The Godfather slot. Someday, I will call upon you to do a service for me. Play The Godfather now at champacasino.com. Welcome to the family. No purchase necessary.
[00:00:31] Unknown:
Group. Boy where prohibited by law. 18 plus. Terms and conditions apply.
[00:00:35] Unknown:
Okay. Round two. Name something that's not boring.
[00:00:39] Unknown:
Laundry? Oh, a book club. Computer solitaire.
[00:00:46] Unknown:
Sorry. We were looking for Chumba Casino. Chumba. That's right. Chumbacasino.com has over a hundred casino style games. Join today and play for free for your chance to redeem some serious prizes. Chumba. Chumba casino dot com.
[00:01:13] Unknown:
Alright. Alright. Alright, Hey. Wait a minute. Where where have you been? Where have you been? Well, I I went to the movies to see our latest picture. Yes. The news hangs high. News yes. Yeah. And I tried to make a guy give me a seat, and he called the usher. What happened? Well, I called the usher. I said, oh, look at it. I own the theater. And he took me out of the seat, punched me in the nose. He threw me out in the alley. Boy, was I lucky. Lucky? Yeah. If he did that to the owner of the theater, what would he have done to me? Why don't why don't you settle down and get yourself a job, Lou?
I don't think why don't you settle down and get a job? You know, some of the stuff was on the stuff I threw away. I know. Hey, Adam. What? I had a job, but I got fired. I installed an electric dishwasher and a garbage disposal in the lady's house, but Sutton must have got mixed up. Why? It's disposed of all her dishes, and she's got the cleanest garbage in town. You know, speaking of garbage, Lou, you you told me you had a date tonight. Oh, yes. Speaking of garbage I've been talking about the market in that way. I hope you You you didn't tell me that. Remind you that I had a date? That's right. No. Not exactly that, but Speaking of garbage. No. No. No. No. I didn't mean to that way, though. A swell date. Yeah. Alright. Alright. I know. But you didn't have a date, please.
Yes. I did have it. I had a very nice date. I had a I had a date with my new girl. She works in the library, and she told me to meet her right behind the Encyclopedia Britannica. Right behind the Encyclopedia Britannica? Oh, gee. Don't you think I wanna learn something? For fuck's sake. What were you doing in the library in the first place? Like encyclopedias? Yes. Yes. Yes. When I was around that boy, my mama bought me encyclopedias. You did? Well, that's one night. I used to ride to school on my encyclopedia. Oh, you Pastella, will you stop that walking up and down? What's the matter with you? What are you worried about? Saturday, Saturday night, they arrested my uncle, Jim Kelly. He broke into a grocery store and stole $390.
Why did he do it? The poor guy was hungry. Well, if he was hungry, why didn't he steal all why didn't he steal all money, Lou? Why didn't he steal some groceries or something? He's a proud man, Abbott. He likes to pay for everything he gets. Besides, he needs the money to buy a new car. Oh, wait a minute. He'd be better off without a car. Costello, it's it's very dangerous driving in California. You're telling me? In Los Angeles, you have to drive for five people. The one in front of you, the one in back of you, and the ones on each side of you. Oh, wait a minute. That's only four cars. Where's the fifth? You'll pull out in front of you any minute.
Well, Abbot, I gotta leave now. I got a new job with my brother Pat in the trucking business. Has he has he got his own truck? Yeah. Hey. You should see it, Abbot. It's one inch wide and a block long. A truck an inch wide and a block long? Mhmm. What is he delivering it? Spaghetti. Oh, sad. Mhmm. Is your brother Pat making any money in the trucking business, Lou? Oh, yeah. He did so good last week that he bought his wife one of those new electric blankets. Saves her a lot of time around the house. I waited how can an electric blanket help her with the work around the house? Well, she takes the eggs and the bacon to bed with her. And when she gets up in the morning, breakfast is ready. That electric blanket is making her very popular too. What do you mean? Last night, she turned it on too high, and now Yes. He's the host of the town, hon.
[00:05:02] Unknown:
Well, mister Costello, mister Costello, I've gotta talk to you. I've got a great idea. Wait a minute, mister. What's the idea of breaking a thing like this? Oh, I've got an idea that will make you two of the most popular comedy team in radio. What is it? I'll stamp your name underneath every tower in the country. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. How will that make us popular? Well, at least you'll have all the farmers pulling for you.
[00:05:31] Unknown:
Well, hello, Costello. It's it's our singing sauce, Susan Miller. Susan, I'm certainly glad you shut up tonight because I'm gonna sing a duel with you. Just tell her. You mean a duet? A duel is where somebody gets hurt. You never sang with me, did you? Now when did you become a singer, Costello? Well, I don't like to brag, but would you believe that I thought Bing Crosby how to sing? No. I wouldn't. You're right. Once in a while, I catch a sucker. Costello, you don't know the first thing about music. Well, I've had you know what I studied music. Nah. I went to singing school. I used to study until I was blue in the face, and then the teacher presented me with a medal. For being the best singer in the class? No. For having the bluest face. Well, I've got to go now, boy. So I'll get some.
You know, there goes a nice kid, Abbot. The only thing is she's money mad. Money mad? Yeah. She's mad because I ain't got no money. Ah, so what? Remember, Costello, money isn't everything. You know, you can't take it with you. It's nice to have it here so you can say goodbye to it. You know, my family's always had money. In fact, my uncle Rudolph was one of the first gold miners in California. One day when he was in the mine digging for gold, he was killed by a falling spade. A falling spade killed my uncle Tom. Was he a gold miner? No. He was killed by the ancient spades that fell out of his sleeve in a poker game. Well, Costello, you'll never have to worry about money as long as I got it. We're pals. Share and share alike.
Well, I feel the same way about you, Evan. That's you you mean you share everything you have with me? If you had two cars, you'd give me one? Sure. If you had two houses, you'd give one of them to me? I certainly would. And if you had, two department stores, you'd you'd give me one? Yes, sir. We're pals. Sharon, share alike. Well, if you had $2, would you give me one? No. Why? Of course, I've got $2. Well, that's the way you feel, I thought I was your pal. Are you trying to tell me that money means more to you than I do? I didn't get that happen. Well, does it?
That settles it, Gastel. I'm going on my vacation to New Jersey, and I'm not taking you with me. Who wants to go to New Jersey now? When we were there last summer, the mosquitoes were so big they were carrying baseball bats. I woke up in the middle of the night, and two of them were sitting on my stomach holding a conversation. Don't just tell me who mosquitoes can't talk. Don't tell me these two were certainly chewing the fat. Well, Castell, on second thought, I don't think I'll go to New Jersey. I I need a complete rest where nobody would bother me where the name Bud Abbott means nothing. Oh, you're staying in town, I Never mind that. Where are you going? Well, Well, I think I go to Honolulu. Last time I was there, I met a beautiful maid of yours.
She was gorgeous and wonderful. All day, walk around carrying a big basket on her head. Then at night, sneak off. Our brothers. Did? Yes. You should see me carry a basket on my head. You idiot girls are making a nervous wreck out of you. That's up there. I know it. I know it too. I've been buttoning my suspenders to my socks, and it saves me a lot of money. Oh, close my socks up so far, I don't have to wear pants. Never mind that. Have you been getting plenty of rest? No. And I've been having a lot of trouble going to sleep. Last night, I didn't fall asleep till 11:00. What time do you go to bed? Five minutes to eleven. That's silly. You need a vacation. You've gotta stop running around with girls. It's affecting your brain.
You're right. I know it. Last night, I had a date to pick up a girl at Hollywood And Vine. I drove down to Hollywood And Vine. Then I went to dinner, and all during dinner, I felt as if I forgot something. Then to a movie, and all through the movie, I felt as though I'd forgotten something. Then I go to Griffith Park, and I started tonight. And I still felt as if I forgotten something. Then I went home, and I remembered what I forgot. What was it? I forgot to pick up the girl. 11. Alright. I got an awful headache. Would you run to the drugstore and get me some aspirin? No. Hey, Maddie. Would you run to get me run to the drugstore and get me some aspirin? No. Will anybody here run for some aspirin? No. Oh, thanks, kid.
You know, right now, I got no joke. No. Nobody will go after it. Nobody will go after it. No. Nobody will go after the accident. No. Okay. Hand me the phone. I'll get that expert. I'll put in a long distance call to Washington. Who who who are you calling in Washington? Henry Wallace. That guy will run for anything. Right. Johnson, what what what gave you the headache? Well, I've been putting my uncle Mike on his job, and it's hard, steady work. What is what does he do? Well, he fills cracks in the walls of veterans' houses. Well, I thought your uncle Mike was a dairy farmer. He was, but his cow got hit on the head and lost her memory. The cow lost her memory? Yes. Now she gives milk of amnesia. You wanna run for that kid?
Your uncle Mike must feel pretty bad about it. Yes. He gave me a nervous breakdown. Is he very nervous? Well, he's not so nervous, but he's slightly nuts. He thinks it. He thinks he's a maraschino cherry, and it's very expensive. Why? The The only place you can sleep is in a bathtub full of whipped cream. That's telling your whole family is always getting into trouble. I guess you're right. I know it. Last night, my brother packed one to a burler show and got a handful of popcorn in his eye. Oh, wait a minute. How could he get a handful of popcorn in his eye at a burler's theater? His eye was open so wide, he thought it was his mouth. Never mind about your brother.
I'm worried about you. Tonight when you go home, make a make a lot of hot tea with lemon. Then soak your feet in the tub. Last night, I didn't like it. Why? The lemon kept tickling my feet. I say yes. You're going to take a vacation. You gotta get away from girls. Come on. We go to the travel bureau. There it is. Stone's travel bureau. Let's go in. Come right in, gentlemen. I'll be with you just as soon as I finish this phone call. Yeah? Oh, your wife don't like the trip you've arranged? Well, call me again when she makes up her mind. Goodbye.
Who's that? Mister and missus Stern. They're going on their honeymoon, and they can't make up their mind. He wants to take a trip around the world, and she wants to go someplace else. Alright. What can I do for you, gentlemen? We're having a tough start. We're thinking of leaving the country. Mhmm. Well, I saw your last picture. The news hangs high. And if I were you, I wouldn't even stop to think. You're a pretty fresh guy, aren't you? Just Just who are you? I own this travel bureau. My name is Stone. First name is Roland. Roland Stone.
Roland Stone. That's right. Rolling Stone. From the looks of your head, you haven't gathered anymore. Pay no attention to it, mister Stone. Danzel has been very nervous lately, and he wants to go on a vacation. Well, how about our island tour? That takes you to Panama. After that comes Cuba. After that comes Bermuda. After that comes Haiti. What comes after Haiti? Haiti One, Haiti Two, Haiti Three. You like that tour? It'll cost you $700. I know, but wait a minute. Costello hasn't got $700. Oh, then, Costello, maybe you'd be interested in this tour. Of course, you'd have to take along a bag of onions, a box of salt, a frying pan, a mix master, and a double boiler.
What kind of tour is that? A cook's tour. Pastello, why why don't you go to Yellowstone Park and see old people? Yes. I used to go out and taste with old people. She was quite a girl. Castello, old faithful is a big jagged mess of from old fossil that's about steam every hour. That's her. Never mind your girl. Castello, if you don't mind traveling with a group, here's a trip that takes in most of Europe. It takes in Bulgaria. It takes in Czechoslovakia. It takes in Yugoslavia. What group do I have to travel with? The Russian army. Wait a minute, Castillo. I I have an idea. Why don't you take a trip to Italy?
Italy. Of course. In Italy, you know, they have a town where the streets are filled with water, nothing but water. They call it Venice. When it rains, there's a town like that right here in California. We call it Burbank. Mister Stone, I think Costello should go to some helpful climate. How about Sweden? Ah, yes. Of course. Sweden. Sweden, the match country. You know something? Sweden makes more matches than anyone else in the world. More than Lana Turner? Cassello, maybe you'd like to see one of the seven wonders of the world. How'd you like that? The leaning power of pizza. You know, it leans way over to one side. There's nothing like it in the world. Have you seen some of the houses they're building for the veterans here?
Mister Stone, what are the prices of these tours? All the different prices. Now for instance, a tour to England cost $500, tour to France cost $700, and a trip to Russia, a trip to Russia, Costello, will cost exactly 75¢. Oh, wait a minute. Only 75¢ to go to Russia? How can you afford to make such an offer? Who's gonna go? Alright. Now, Cassello, how much money have you got to spend on your vacation? I got between 98 and $100. Well, which is it? 98 or a hundred? Between 98 and 100. I got $2. Well, mister Stone, do you have any kind of a tour for $2? Oh, yes. We have a wonderful $2 vacation for sport like Casella. I'll take it. I'll take it. When do we leave? Right now. Okay. '23. Where is this $2 for a ticket? For a brisk walk through the La Brea car pit. Mister Sullivan mister Sullivan, Haven't you some place where we could go where it's nice?
Quiet? Yes. Why don't we just stay here? It's been mighty quiet since the beginning of the program. Hey. By George, I've got it. Just a place for peace and quiet. It's a desert island 2,000 miles offshore. Well, what will it cost us to get there? To get there, nothing. I'll take you there myself in my own boat. I just want a thought I could see Does seasickness affect you very much? The last time I was on a ship, I looked so green that when I walked into a budget room, this steward racked up my eyeballs and shot them into the side pocket. Come on, Costello. We're going on that boat.
Well, gentlemen, there's the island. What do you think? It's a horrible looking place. I don't like it. What are you complaining about, Castello? It didn't cost us anything to get here. I wanna go back. To go back, it'll cost you $300. Okay. I ain't got no $300. All ashore that's going to ashore, and that means you, Beto. Get off the phone. Goodbye. Have fun. Well, I can give that in Castello. We're all alone on this deserted island. We may die here. I I don't wanna die. I I'm too young. I'm only 25. What happened? You're only 25 years old? Yes. And I got nothing to worry about. Why?
You're only 25. You're here alone. I haven't been born yet. But now how can you joke about this? Here we are, 2,000 miles from no food, no water. We're in more trouble than anybody else in the world. Have you read the Kinsey report on Maddie Malick right now? Estelle, this is Billy Gil. Oh, pal, I I I think I'm going to die on this island.
[00:19:33] Unknown:
Hello? My buddy.
[00:19:36] Unknown:
Yes, sir.
[00:19:37] Unknown:
When you get back, find the woman I love. Go to her and tell her I love her dearly. Take that message to the woman I love. Okay, Evan.
[00:19:48] Unknown:
To the woman you love. Yes. To the woman I love. But what shall I tell your wife? I Come on. We've gotta find a way to get off this avenue. Look. I tell her. Terrible. One of them is coming twice. You're looking for Ireland. That's for you. Hey, Abbott. Get me out of here, will you? Right. Right, Costello. Animals. Headhunting. They drink people's head. That is the biggest drinker I ever saw. Don't be afraid. We're peaceful cannibals. Don't don't you even fight with the other tribes?
[00:20:30] Unknown:
We never fight.
[00:20:31] Unknown:
We haven't had a war two hundred years. Well, how how do you explain that? We're not civilized. Where you boys from? California. Never heard of it. You know, California. Oranges? Never heard of it. California. California. You know, Lana Turner. Oh, yeah. I'll buy poppy. Chief, maybe you know my uncle Tom. He was shipwrecked on one of these islands with a beautiful redhead. For three whole years, he was on the island alone with this gorgeous redhead, then a terrible thing happened. What? He was rescued. I tell her I'm afraid we'll never be rescued. Oh, pal. This is it. This is the end. Don't say that, Abbott. I don't wanna die. Don't worry, Catella.
[00:21:19] Unknown:
We'll soon be in heaven at the pearly gates. And when Gabriel sees you, he'll blow his horn. Sees you, he'll blow his top hat.
[00:21:31] Unknown:
Hey. Hey. Love. Love. Love, Castello. A plane. Quick. See signal. Quick. Signal. Hurry up. Take off your sorry. Wave it. Hurry up. Okay. Hurry up. Take it off. I'm waving my shirt. Okay. Look. The plane is coming over. They stole my shirt. They stole my shirt. Hey. Look. Drop the package of supplies, and there's no tie to it. Oh, they saw my shirt. They saw my shirt. Quick. Read the note. What does it say? Okay. It says wash that dirty shirt.
