In this lively episode, we dive into the comedic world of Abbott and Costello as they navigate a series of humorous misadventures. From a chaotic train ride that leaves Costello in a mess to a hilarious attempt to pay rent with a misunderstanding about kneading dough, the duo's antics are as entertaining as ever. Their journey takes them through a series of comedic encounters, including a run-in with a police officer and a desperate search for a place to sleep, all while delivering their signature rapid-fire banter.
As the episode unfolds, listeners are treated to a series of laugh-out-loud moments, including Costello's attempts to insult a police officer to get arrested and a misunderstanding with a fire alarm. The episode is a testament to Abbott and Costello's timeless humor, filled with clever wordplay and slapstick comedy that keeps audiences engaged from start to finish. Whether it's their interactions with quirky characters or their own comedic misunderstandings, this episode is a delightful showcase of classic comedy.
(00:34) Ryan's Casino Adventure
(01:21) Costello's Train Troubles
(03:33) The Rent Dilemma
(05:01) The Dough Confusion
(07:01) Locked In and Locked Out
(14:28) Searching for Shelter
(18:04) Desperate Measures for a Night's Rest
(22:14) Back in Hollywood
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[00:00:00]
Unknown:
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[00:00:28] Unknown:
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[00:01:22] Unknown:
Hey. Well, Castillo, here we are back in Hollywood.
[00:01:27] Unknown:
Hello. Will you listen to me, please? I say we're back in Hollywood. Tell me, how did you enjoy your train trip back in New York? Oh, well, but it was actually really terrible. What do you mean? I went into the dining pool and I started off with soup. The train goes around a curb and spilled a poop on my pants. So then I started on my salad. And then the train hits another curve and a salad goes on my pants. And then I started on the wrong feet. Chili the brain stopped, put the feet right across the table to right under my pants. What a lunch.
[00:01:54] Unknown:
Oh, that's
[00:01:55] Unknown:
that's terrible, Costello. Did you have the same trouble at supper? No. For supper, I stayed in my drawing room and I ate my pants. What was that? What was that? Darn that zipper.
[00:02:06] Unknown:
Well, did you
[00:02:08] Unknown:
did you enjoy did you enjoy the scenery along the trip? What scenery? The famous shot caught it. You couldn't even look out the window. I finally got one little glimpse of Albuquerque cue from the dining clock. This is Albuquerque cue? Albuquerque cue. Could you do that, Yeah. Yeah. No one will sit at the table next to me. She let me peek out through the hole in the donut. No. Alright. Look. How about
[00:02:29] Unknown:
your how about your old hometown, Paterson, New Jersey? Did you go back to the old neighborhood, Lou? Oh, I went back to Paterson alright. That's right. Hey. Yeah. But that's a pretty tough neighborhood.
[00:02:36] Unknown:
Any kid would ask is that sissy. No kidding. Any cat with a tail is a tourist. But they had a big trade in my honor, Abbott. At the head of the parade came mayor Fury with missus Fury on his arm. Then the guard of honor, captain Gourlett and missus Gourlett on his arm. The night came next with Izzy Rappaport on my arm. Wait a minute. Who's is he Rappaport? He's the guy who ran me the tuxedo. Oh. He he he don't trust nobody. Every time I raise my silk hat to the crowd, I lift myself off the ground. Yeah. You lifted yourself off the ground. Yeah. Izzy has a hat changed onto the
[00:03:08] Unknown:
the fence. Boy, I'll bet you I'll bet you look great.
[00:03:11] Unknown:
Oh, yes. I am lost already. Well well, I'll Yes. I'm kidding. I certainly did look great. You must have looked great, are you? Yeah. And did I have fun with this girl? No. Yes. What? I have plenty of time with the girl. You did? I put myself a pole 15 feet long. What was that for? That was for the girl she couldn't touch with a 10 foot tall. Oh, I see.
[00:03:32] Unknown:
Well, I hope you send all your money back there, Costello. You know what our room rent is due today. We better go over to missus Miles now and give her the money. I bet I haven't got the money. Where's the $500 I gave you in New York? I spent a bottle of perfume for my girlfriend. $500
[00:03:45] Unknown:
on a bottle of perfume? Yeah. It's called Jazzwares Trader Amore Pateau. What's that? Melted butter. No. Grey b. Grey b. Oh, look. You idiot. How are we gonna pay our rent now? Well, look. Haven't. Why don't you pay the rent? But oh, no. My half later. Alright. Now wait a minute. No. You don't. No. No. But we've always been piled. I know. But I share anything of mine with yours. Oh, that's good. If I had two loaves of bread, I'd give you one. If I had two
[00:04:09] Unknown:
blondes Yes. Yes. You like the other book? Now wait a minute. Now stop this silliness. This is serious. We've gotta make some money right away. Hey. Wait a minute. I've got an idea. We can go to work for my cousin, Bob Goldstein. He he runs a bakery. We can go over there and help him eat some dough. Sure. We can go over right away and
[00:04:30] Unknown:
What did you say? We can go over there and help him eat some dough. Why shouldn't we go over there and help him eat some dough? I'm the guy that needs the dough. No. No. No. No. My cousin needs the dough. We just help him knead it. Look, I don't let him look out for himself. Come on. Let's go over there and get some dough. I need it. No. No. It's too late to knead dough now. What about the dough I need for missus Niles? No. If you don't need dough for missus Niles, you need dough for my cousin. Why do I need dough for your cousin? Because you need the dough for missus Niles. Look, have it. We need dough for missus Niles. Don't we? Yes. Right. So we can get the dough from your cousin? Right. Let's go get it. Oh, no. No. It's too late. He isn't eating dough until tomorrow. I don't care when he needs it.
[00:05:04] Unknown:
I need it too much. But my cousin's whiskey is closed now. He's gone home. Let's go over to the house and get the money. Oh, he won't give you any money until, you help him knead the dough tomorrow. You mean he doesn't knead any dough at home? No. He doesn't knead any dough until he gets to the bakery in the morning. Oh, his wife listens to the bucket at night. No. She doesn't. He gives her half of everything he gets for kneading her dough. You mean he gets paid for kneading dough? That's right. He gets $50 a week. Boy, what won't the OPA think of next? The OPA has nothing to do with this. He deserves the $50. It's pretty hard, pretty hard work kneading dough. I've always found it pretty easy. Oh, yes? Do you know how much trouble it is to knead dough? First, you have to rub a little grease on your pan. What's that for? So the dough won't stick to your pan. I don't care about my pan ever. I want a little dough to stick to my fingers. No. Look. Never mind.
[00:05:51] Unknown:
I love money. I know you do. I wanna run through it with my family. Listen, I mean, never mind that. You spread the dough out on the table and make several rolls. Now I gotta shoot preference. Yeah. No. Nothing in the time. As you get the rolls of dough, the next thing you need is a little, oven. I don't need no little oven. I don't want no oven. That's why I lost my plates over. Love you, darling. You don't understand. You don't understand anything. I said oven, not oven. Look. I'll explain it to you. When I say you need dough, I don't mean the kind of knead that starts with an n. I mean the kind of knead that starts with a k. The kind of dough that you need, that starts with an n. You only get by kneading the kind of dough that starts with a k. Oh, oh. When you say I need dough, you don't mean the kind of dough that that that starts with a n. You you mean the kind of dough that that starts with a k and the kind of dough that I need that starts with a n. I only get by needing the kind of dough that starts with a k. Now you've got it. Now I've got it. I don't even know what I'm talking about.
[00:06:51] Unknown:
According to a recent nationwide survey, more doctors smoke Camel than any other cigarette. Well, here's our apartment, Costello. Come on. Let's go in. What about missus Niles? She'll nail us for the rent. Well, we passed the door. Who is that out there in the hall? Cella, make a noise like a cat. Okay. Meow.
[00:07:15] Unknown:
Oh, is that you, Kitty? No. This is Tom. Oh. Oh. So are you, miss Rabbit? I told you there's no cooking allowed in my apartment. Why are you trying to struggle inside a fork? Oh, pardon me. That's Costello. Missus Niles, I wish you hadn't said that. I was just gonna tell you how nice you look in that sunsuit. Oh, thank you, Costello. Don't you think I have cute names? Cute. Last time I saw knobs like that, they had keyholes under them. Stella, will you cut that out? Miss Miles has very pretty legs. Are you kidding at it? She's bullying it. Young man, I'll let you know I am not bowlegged. Well, all I know is you're the only woman that can get out of both sides of a taxi at the same time. Never mind, Godzilla. Let's go on up to our spot and get ready for dinner. Just a minute. What about my rent money? Where is the $60? 60 dollars. I thought it was 50. I'm raising the rent. I'm glad to hear it. We can't raise.
It. Never mind that. Get it up. Get it up. I need the dough. Is that with a k or a m? Marcelo, I'm not gonna send you and eat that corn you're handing out. When I stop handing it out, we'll all stop eating. Oh, I've wasted enough time with you too. Here, come back here, you two. Go ahead.
[00:08:40] Unknown:
Well, Priscilla, we've got in our room. Lock the door. Lock the door so missus Niles can't get in. Go in. You don't have to, boys. I'm locking the door so you can't get out. How do you like that? Hey. Well, tell me we gotta get out of here. Look through the keyhole and see if missus Niles is still out in the hall. Hurry up.
[00:08:57] Unknown:
That's what this is very embarrassing. Not a I.
[00:09:07] Unknown:
Yes. And don't do fine any monkey chimes in there. I'm sitting right through outside the store until I get my rent. So what are we going to do? Leave it to me, have it? I'll stop sober.
[00:09:19] Unknown:
And, missus Niles, are you out there, my little red headed sweetheart?
[00:09:24] Unknown:
Watch us soak up the soil like an old cranky.
[00:09:28] Unknown:
Yoo hoo, sweetheart. Don't find any of that malarkey on me. I'm wise to you. But, missus Niles, I really mean it. You are my ITU, my dream girl. You are my little red headed glamour girl. I know she's no conductant.
[00:09:45] Unknown:
Stella, you sly little slather, you. Come out here in the hall and look for that in my ear.
[00:09:53] Unknown:
Certainly, my darling. Hello? What happened? Help me in the bed. We'll look for my teeth later.
[00:10:11] Unknown:
Get out of that bed, Catella. Gotta get out of here. Don't you know somebody we can call? Yeah. I'm gonna call my lawyer. I, Robert Rotor.
[00:10:23] Unknown:
This is a law firm of Broder, Broder, Broder, Broder, Broder, and Broder. Broder, Broder, and Broder. Broder. Broder. Lockspiel, Lou Costello, the epic Costello radio program. We got a problem. I know. I heard last week's program. No. No. I don't mean that. Our win lady has locksmiths into our room. She won't let us out until we pay our rent. Well, I'll call you back as soon as I hear from Howard, things. Howard, things? Not so good. How are things with you, Well, you didn't get anywhere there, Gustavo. Now what are we going to do? Have it. I'm getting good and mad now. I'll show missus Ives she can't fool with me. What are you gonna do? I'll call the OPA in Washington. Now I'm Berkeley.
[00:11:11] Unknown:
I want the OPA in Washington. The number is Liberty one seven four o. Thank you.
[00:11:16] Unknown:
1 7 4 4. No. No. No. No. 1 7 4 0 0 0 0 0. Oh, where does it hurt you, kid? Look, Alfred. I wanna talk to Washington. One moment, please.
[00:11:30] Unknown:
Hello. Pleasantview sanitarium. Who do you want? Napoleon, Romeo, Julius Caesar? You name them, we got them.
[00:11:39] Unknown:
Well, I'm calling Washington.
[00:11:42] Unknown:
Oh, I'm so sorry. Washington is out chopping down a cherry tree.
[00:11:49] Unknown:
Operator. Operator. Please get me my number. It's very important. I have got no time for this one. Do you hear me? I haven't got the time. When you hear the tone, the time will be 06:15 and one quarter. Operator, will you please connect me with Washington? Can you hear me? Washington. Is that like Tacoma, Washington? No. That's just state like Indiana or Texas. Like what? Texas. You won't battle it, Texas? One moment, please. Oh, Battleship Texas. Battleship Texas? Yes. Lieutenant Boston speaking. I don't care if you're an admiral. I want Washington. Oh, hello, admiral. You're in Washington, What are your orders for our ship? I don't care what you do with this ship. You're just blowing up. Aye, sir.
Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? I'm sorry. Your party has been disconnected. Operator Number, please. Look. Let's start all over again. The number I want is Liberty. 1 7 4 O 17 40. Remember? I think I have it now. 17 what was the last two numbers?
[00:13:09] Unknown:
Last number.
[00:13:11] Unknown:
40. 40. Where does life begin? One moment, please. Good morning. Maternity Hospital. Evening. I'm praying with a text that I pull and get me, Ripley. Ripley? You mean believe it or not? Yes, ma'am. Has something unusual happened? Has it? I'm having a baby.
[00:13:41] Unknown:
Hey, missus Missus Niles is sleeping outside the door. Now is our chance to sneak out. But wait a minute. We'll have to go out the window. We'll tie a couple sheets together and slide down to the alley. By the way, do you know how to tie a knot? Oh, sure. I used to be a girl scout. You meet a boy scout. You scout what you like, and I'll scout what I like. My my stuff is tie those sheets together. Okay. Now tie one end of the sheets around something solid. Down we go. You got it tied? Yeah. Alright. Here I go. Oh. What happened? We both fell down. Even the sheets fell down. I told you to tie them around something solid, didn't I? I did. I had to tie it on my waist.
Come on. Let's get away from here. Gotta find some place to sleep tonight. Yeah. But here's my old girlfriend, Tessa Tinfoil's house. Maybe she could tell us where we can run a room.
[00:14:39] Unknown:
Man, help me out. Hello, Tessie. Hello, mister Abbott and my fat little lover boy, Louis. Hi, Ed, Jackson. Why do you call me Jackson? Because I look into birth? Because you're building a stone wall. Jesse, we've been put out of our apartment. What for? That's too damp. Too damp? Yes. There was too much to do on it. Well, I don't know where you're going. I say I don't know where you're going to get another room. I heard you the first time.
[00:15:23] Unknown:
Wait a minute, Tess. See, a room's that tough to get?
[00:15:26] Unknown:
A truck driver drove by here this morning, and a crate of oranges fell off the truck. And before the driver could turn around to pick it up, two families from Oklahoma had moved in the crate and was selling the oranges. Well, what do we do now? Let's go next door to our old friend, Scotty. He might be able to put us up. What's my laddies? I'll have to come outside to talk to you. I can't let any light in the room. I'm feeding the cat.
[00:15:50] Unknown:
What's the light got to do with feeding the cat? Well, I painted our saucer with whitewash. She thinks it's milk. Look, Johnny. We've been put out of our room, and there's no laughing matter. We have no place to stay tonight. Could you put us up? Well, I've got an extra bed, but before I could let you sleep in it, I'll have to ask you to take off your shoes. Okay. Hey.
[00:16:14] Unknown:
My shoes are off. Just as a thought. Estella, you got a big hole in your sock. You can't sleep in a bed. What's the hole got to do with it? Well, if your toenails are sharp enough to cut through those heavy woolen socks, just think what they would do to my thin sheets. Good night. Abbott, Abbott will never get a place to sleep. I'm so tired I can hardly stand up. You boy. Hey. Look, Estella. The actress, Bessie Mae Mucho. But the Lord you got Bach from New York. Welcome to Holywood.
[00:16:59] Unknown:
Why? What have you been doing since we were gone, Bessie? I've become a businesswoman.
[00:17:04] Unknown:
I've opened up a condi show.
[00:17:08] Unknown:
A condi show?
[00:17:10] Unknown:
Sure, Abbot. You know what a condi show is. That's what it makes saltwater toothy and poopsicle pizza And poop. I had so much fun making candy. I spent the whole day whipping up a pond of coconut food. Don't you just adore coconut food? No. I'd rather have a stack of genie poos and pooping poopermants.
[00:17:46] Unknown:
Miss Woodrow, we haven't any place to sleep tonight. Can you tell us where we can get a room? No. I'm afraid I can't, mister Roberts.
[00:17:52] Unknown:
Things are very bad in Holywood. You might get into the trailer comp on the Los Angeles River. I'd rather pitch a toot on the boots where I can feel the ocean bruising. And watch the wobs come in. Was you ever hitting a puss with a wob? Well, I hope you find a room. And as they say in French, a bonsoir mon petite a regard e vous to you. And they pitch a postcard to you too.
[00:18:20] Unknown:
Well, come on, Costello. We can't give up. We'll find a room somewhere.
[00:18:31] Unknown:
Oh, Abbott. Abbott. I can't walk another step. My feet are killing me. I'm so tired. You don't hear me complaining, do you? Do you mind if I put you down and you carry me for a while? Look. It's 02:00 in the morning, Costello. We'd better go to sleep in the park and cover ourselves with newspapers. Not me, Abbott. I'm not gonna go to sleep on the newspapers. Why not? Last time I slept under a newspaper, I slept under a sport page. And all night long, Joe Lewis kept poking me in the eye.
[00:18:58] Unknown:
Wait a minute, Costello. There's a policeman standing on the corner. Now suppose you go over there and insult them. What would happen? I insult the policeman before I was in jail. You see? You'd have a place to sleep, wouldn't you? Hey. You're right. But I don't I don't wanna I don't I don't wanna Wait a minute. Go ahead. You'll do as I tell you. Go ahead and insult the cop, and I'll I'll see that he takes us to jail. You'll see that he takes us to jail? Go ahead. Insult. Okay.
[00:19:20] Unknown:
Hi, f Blackfoot.
[00:19:23] Unknown:
Good morning, boy. I'm, I'm officer O'Hara.
[00:19:27] Unknown:
You look more like officer O'Hara.
[00:19:34] Unknown:
What did you look like when you were alive? Feeling kind of good,
[00:19:38] Unknown:
You bought us mustache. Get him over the ears in this guy, Abbott. He looks like a taxi cab with both doors open. Just a minute. Tell him I'm insulting you. Just a minute, buddy. I want to write that down. Now you're getting him, Costello. Give him some more. Go ahead and some more insults. Sure. Poke the Abbott. Get him over that skull. I'd like to be around when that thing hatches. Go ahead. Write it down. I'll write that down too. Go ahead. Write it down. Give me a pen, Abbot. I'll stick in that broom head and let the air out. Uh-oh. I'll write that down too. Well, I wrote down everything you said. Good night, Bobby. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Ain't you gonna arrest us? No. Then why did you write that stuff down? I gotta tell some jokes tonight at the policeman's ball. Boy, are these dandies? I'll kill people.
[00:20:21] Unknown:
Wait, Catello. Don't let him get away. We've gotta get arrested so we can go to sleep in jail. Grab grab that brick bag. See that? Grab that yeah. That's it. I'll throw it through that jewelry store window. Hurry up. Okay.
[00:20:33] Unknown:
Hey. Hey. Hey. Who threw that lock to the jewelry store window? Hey. Get off, sir. Take me the tail. Lock me up. Lock you up. Well, there was a crook robbing that jewelry store, and your brick hit him in the head and knocked him out. You saved my job. Thank you.
[00:20:48] Unknown:
How do I send? I continue to get arrested now. Don't talk you about the reason. Hey. Wait a minute. There's a fire alarm box. They have to arrest you. Just turn into false alarm. Go ahead. Break up to the glass.
[00:21:02] Unknown:
Who turned in that fire alarm? I did. Call the policeman. Have me arrested. Have you arrested while I was asleep and my house was on fire? You saved my life. Well, say something. Come over here and kiss your poor old father. Oh, you brave, brave hero. I owe my life to you. Here's $10,000. Now take it and heaven bless you. Look. I've got $10,000. We're rich. We're rich. Now we can pay missus Miles her back house rent. We don't have to go to jail. We don't have to go to jail. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Wait a minute. What's all the hilarity about here? What's all the hilarity for? Look over. I just got this house settled a few minutes ago, and and and just think I wanted to go to jail. Now I don't have to. I can live in the finest hotel. Well, Connello, the officer was kind enough not to arrest you. Why don't you take care of him? I split my $10 bill once. Certainly. Okay. Hey, Rob, sir. Here is $10 for you. Oh, rivalry.
[00:22:07] Unknown:
You're under arrest. Under under arrest. Certainly good to be back in good old Hollywood again, isn't it? It certainly is, Evan. We have the greatest audiences here that we Pardon me, mister Costello, but we would like to have your picture for Look Magazine this month. Will you post, please? I'll be glad to. Thank you. Now I'll just get down on my knees. Hold it. There. Thank you very much. Wait a minute. What's the idea of getting down on your knees to take my picture? You took a picture of my stomach. That's right. It's just a hotshot.
[00:22:38] Unknown:
Good night, folks. Good night. Good night.
[00:22:44] Unknown:
Be sure to tune in next week for another great Happiness Costello show brought to you by Camel Cigarettes. And remember, try Camel's in your tea zone. See if they don't suit your taste, your throat to a t. C a m e l
[00:22:58] Unknown:
f.
[00:23:06] Unknown:
Pipe smokers, there's one tobacco smoked in more pipes than any other in the world. Prince Albert. Choice tobacco. Rich, mellow, mild, and specially treated to prevent tongue bite. And crimp cut for smooth, cool, even burning. Why not try PA right away? And don't forget, June 16 is Father's Day. Prince Albert makes an ideal Father's Day gift. Either the pound package with a special Father's Day wrap for the half pound tin. Saturday night, be sure to listen to Prince Albert's Grand Ole Opry. You'll hear Red Foley, Grand Ole Opry's sensational new romantic singer. Remember, Grand Ole Opry is Saturday night on NBC with Red Foley.
[00:23:50] Unknown:
Be sure to listen at this very same time next week for another Abbott and Costello show for Camel Cigarettes. Stay around for Rudy Vallee over most of these stations. This is Ken Niles in Hollywood wishing you all a pleasure. Good night for
[00:24:06] Unknown:
Camel.
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[00:00:28] Unknown:
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[00:01:22] Unknown:
Hey. Well, Castillo, here we are back in Hollywood.
[00:01:27] Unknown:
Hello. Will you listen to me, please? I say we're back in Hollywood. Tell me, how did you enjoy your train trip back in New York? Oh, well, but it was actually really terrible. What do you mean? I went into the dining pool and I started off with soup. The train goes around a curb and spilled a poop on my pants. So then I started on my salad. And then the train hits another curve and a salad goes on my pants. And then I started on the wrong feet. Chili the brain stopped, put the feet right across the table to right under my pants. What a lunch.
[00:01:54] Unknown:
Oh, that's
[00:01:55] Unknown:
that's terrible, Costello. Did you have the same trouble at supper? No. For supper, I stayed in my drawing room and I ate my pants. What was that? What was that? Darn that zipper.
[00:02:06] Unknown:
Well, did you
[00:02:08] Unknown:
did you enjoy did you enjoy the scenery along the trip? What scenery? The famous shot caught it. You couldn't even look out the window. I finally got one little glimpse of Albuquerque cue from the dining clock. This is Albuquerque cue? Albuquerque cue. Could you do that, Yeah. Yeah. No one will sit at the table next to me. She let me peek out through the hole in the donut. No. Alright. Look. How about
[00:02:29] Unknown:
your how about your old hometown, Paterson, New Jersey? Did you go back to the old neighborhood, Lou? Oh, I went back to Paterson alright. That's right. Hey. Yeah. But that's a pretty tough neighborhood.
[00:02:36] Unknown:
Any kid would ask is that sissy. No kidding. Any cat with a tail is a tourist. But they had a big trade in my honor, Abbott. At the head of the parade came mayor Fury with missus Fury on his arm. Then the guard of honor, captain Gourlett and missus Gourlett on his arm. The night came next with Izzy Rappaport on my arm. Wait a minute. Who's is he Rappaport? He's the guy who ran me the tuxedo. Oh. He he he don't trust nobody. Every time I raise my silk hat to the crowd, I lift myself off the ground. Yeah. You lifted yourself off the ground. Yeah. Izzy has a hat changed onto the
[00:03:08] Unknown:
the fence. Boy, I'll bet you I'll bet you look great.
[00:03:11] Unknown:
Oh, yes. I am lost already. Well well, I'll Yes. I'm kidding. I certainly did look great. You must have looked great, are you? Yeah. And did I have fun with this girl? No. Yes. What? I have plenty of time with the girl. You did? I put myself a pole 15 feet long. What was that for? That was for the girl she couldn't touch with a 10 foot tall. Oh, I see.
[00:03:32] Unknown:
Well, I hope you send all your money back there, Costello. You know what our room rent is due today. We better go over to missus Miles now and give her the money. I bet I haven't got the money. Where's the $500 I gave you in New York? I spent a bottle of perfume for my girlfriend. $500
[00:03:45] Unknown:
on a bottle of perfume? Yeah. It's called Jazzwares Trader Amore Pateau. What's that? Melted butter. No. Grey b. Grey b. Oh, look. You idiot. How are we gonna pay our rent now? Well, look. Haven't. Why don't you pay the rent? But oh, no. My half later. Alright. Now wait a minute. No. You don't. No. No. But we've always been piled. I know. But I share anything of mine with yours. Oh, that's good. If I had two loaves of bread, I'd give you one. If I had two
[00:04:09] Unknown:
blondes Yes. Yes. You like the other book? Now wait a minute. Now stop this silliness. This is serious. We've gotta make some money right away. Hey. Wait a minute. I've got an idea. We can go to work for my cousin, Bob Goldstein. He he runs a bakery. We can go over there and help him eat some dough. Sure. We can go over right away and
[00:04:30] Unknown:
What did you say? We can go over there and help him eat some dough. Why shouldn't we go over there and help him eat some dough? I'm the guy that needs the dough. No. No. No. No. My cousin needs the dough. We just help him knead it. Look, I don't let him look out for himself. Come on. Let's go over there and get some dough. I need it. No. No. It's too late to knead dough now. What about the dough I need for missus Niles? No. If you don't need dough for missus Niles, you need dough for my cousin. Why do I need dough for your cousin? Because you need the dough for missus Niles. Look, have it. We need dough for missus Niles. Don't we? Yes. Right. So we can get the dough from your cousin? Right. Let's go get it. Oh, no. No. It's too late. He isn't eating dough until tomorrow. I don't care when he needs it.
[00:05:04] Unknown:
I need it too much. But my cousin's whiskey is closed now. He's gone home. Let's go over to the house and get the money. Oh, he won't give you any money until, you help him knead the dough tomorrow. You mean he doesn't knead any dough at home? No. He doesn't knead any dough until he gets to the bakery in the morning. Oh, his wife listens to the bucket at night. No. She doesn't. He gives her half of everything he gets for kneading her dough. You mean he gets paid for kneading dough? That's right. He gets $50 a week. Boy, what won't the OPA think of next? The OPA has nothing to do with this. He deserves the $50. It's pretty hard, pretty hard work kneading dough. I've always found it pretty easy. Oh, yes? Do you know how much trouble it is to knead dough? First, you have to rub a little grease on your pan. What's that for? So the dough won't stick to your pan. I don't care about my pan ever. I want a little dough to stick to my fingers. No. Look. Never mind.
[00:05:51] Unknown:
I love money. I know you do. I wanna run through it with my family. Listen, I mean, never mind that. You spread the dough out on the table and make several rolls. Now I gotta shoot preference. Yeah. No. Nothing in the time. As you get the rolls of dough, the next thing you need is a little, oven. I don't need no little oven. I don't want no oven. That's why I lost my plates over. Love you, darling. You don't understand. You don't understand anything. I said oven, not oven. Look. I'll explain it to you. When I say you need dough, I don't mean the kind of knead that starts with an n. I mean the kind of knead that starts with a k. The kind of dough that you need, that starts with an n. You only get by kneading the kind of dough that starts with a k. Oh, oh. When you say I need dough, you don't mean the kind of dough that that that starts with a n. You you mean the kind of dough that that starts with a k and the kind of dough that I need that starts with a n. I only get by needing the kind of dough that starts with a k. Now you've got it. Now I've got it. I don't even know what I'm talking about.
[00:06:51] Unknown:
According to a recent nationwide survey, more doctors smoke Camel than any other cigarette. Well, here's our apartment, Costello. Come on. Let's go in. What about missus Niles? She'll nail us for the rent. Well, we passed the door. Who is that out there in the hall? Cella, make a noise like a cat. Okay. Meow.
[00:07:15] Unknown:
Oh, is that you, Kitty? No. This is Tom. Oh. Oh. So are you, miss Rabbit? I told you there's no cooking allowed in my apartment. Why are you trying to struggle inside a fork? Oh, pardon me. That's Costello. Missus Niles, I wish you hadn't said that. I was just gonna tell you how nice you look in that sunsuit. Oh, thank you, Costello. Don't you think I have cute names? Cute. Last time I saw knobs like that, they had keyholes under them. Stella, will you cut that out? Miss Miles has very pretty legs. Are you kidding at it? She's bullying it. Young man, I'll let you know I am not bowlegged. Well, all I know is you're the only woman that can get out of both sides of a taxi at the same time. Never mind, Godzilla. Let's go on up to our spot and get ready for dinner. Just a minute. What about my rent money? Where is the $60? 60 dollars. I thought it was 50. I'm raising the rent. I'm glad to hear it. We can't raise.
It. Never mind that. Get it up. Get it up. I need the dough. Is that with a k or a m? Marcelo, I'm not gonna send you and eat that corn you're handing out. When I stop handing it out, we'll all stop eating. Oh, I've wasted enough time with you too. Here, come back here, you two. Go ahead.
[00:08:40] Unknown:
Well, Priscilla, we've got in our room. Lock the door. Lock the door so missus Niles can't get in. Go in. You don't have to, boys. I'm locking the door so you can't get out. How do you like that? Hey. Well, tell me we gotta get out of here. Look through the keyhole and see if missus Niles is still out in the hall. Hurry up.
[00:08:57] Unknown:
That's what this is very embarrassing. Not a I.
[00:09:07] Unknown:
Yes. And don't do fine any monkey chimes in there. I'm sitting right through outside the store until I get my rent. So what are we going to do? Leave it to me, have it? I'll stop sober.
[00:09:19] Unknown:
And, missus Niles, are you out there, my little red headed sweetheart?
[00:09:24] Unknown:
Watch us soak up the soil like an old cranky.
[00:09:28] Unknown:
Yoo hoo, sweetheart. Don't find any of that malarkey on me. I'm wise to you. But, missus Niles, I really mean it. You are my ITU, my dream girl. You are my little red headed glamour girl. I know she's no conductant.
[00:09:45] Unknown:
Stella, you sly little slather, you. Come out here in the hall and look for that in my ear.
[00:09:53] Unknown:
Certainly, my darling. Hello? What happened? Help me in the bed. We'll look for my teeth later.
[00:10:11] Unknown:
Get out of that bed, Catella. Gotta get out of here. Don't you know somebody we can call? Yeah. I'm gonna call my lawyer. I, Robert Rotor.
[00:10:23] Unknown:
This is a law firm of Broder, Broder, Broder, Broder, Broder, and Broder. Broder, Broder, and Broder. Broder. Broder. Lockspiel, Lou Costello, the epic Costello radio program. We got a problem. I know. I heard last week's program. No. No. I don't mean that. Our win lady has locksmiths into our room. She won't let us out until we pay our rent. Well, I'll call you back as soon as I hear from Howard, things. Howard, things? Not so good. How are things with you, Well, you didn't get anywhere there, Gustavo. Now what are we going to do? Have it. I'm getting good and mad now. I'll show missus Ives she can't fool with me. What are you gonna do? I'll call the OPA in Washington. Now I'm Berkeley.
[00:11:11] Unknown:
I want the OPA in Washington. The number is Liberty one seven four o. Thank you.
[00:11:16] Unknown:
1 7 4 4. No. No. No. No. 1 7 4 0 0 0 0 0. Oh, where does it hurt you, kid? Look, Alfred. I wanna talk to Washington. One moment, please.
[00:11:30] Unknown:
Hello. Pleasantview sanitarium. Who do you want? Napoleon, Romeo, Julius Caesar? You name them, we got them.
[00:11:39] Unknown:
Well, I'm calling Washington.
[00:11:42] Unknown:
Oh, I'm so sorry. Washington is out chopping down a cherry tree.
[00:11:49] Unknown:
Operator. Operator. Please get me my number. It's very important. I have got no time for this one. Do you hear me? I haven't got the time. When you hear the tone, the time will be 06:15 and one quarter. Operator, will you please connect me with Washington? Can you hear me? Washington. Is that like Tacoma, Washington? No. That's just state like Indiana or Texas. Like what? Texas. You won't battle it, Texas? One moment, please. Oh, Battleship Texas. Battleship Texas? Yes. Lieutenant Boston speaking. I don't care if you're an admiral. I want Washington. Oh, hello, admiral. You're in Washington, What are your orders for our ship? I don't care what you do with this ship. You're just blowing up. Aye, sir.
Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? I'm sorry. Your party has been disconnected. Operator Number, please. Look. Let's start all over again. The number I want is Liberty. 1 7 4 O 17 40. Remember? I think I have it now. 17 what was the last two numbers?
[00:13:09] Unknown:
Last number.
[00:13:11] Unknown:
40. 40. Where does life begin? One moment, please. Good morning. Maternity Hospital. Evening. I'm praying with a text that I pull and get me, Ripley. Ripley? You mean believe it or not? Yes, ma'am. Has something unusual happened? Has it? I'm having a baby.
[00:13:41] Unknown:
Hey, missus Missus Niles is sleeping outside the door. Now is our chance to sneak out. But wait a minute. We'll have to go out the window. We'll tie a couple sheets together and slide down to the alley. By the way, do you know how to tie a knot? Oh, sure. I used to be a girl scout. You meet a boy scout. You scout what you like, and I'll scout what I like. My my stuff is tie those sheets together. Okay. Now tie one end of the sheets around something solid. Down we go. You got it tied? Yeah. Alright. Here I go. Oh. What happened? We both fell down. Even the sheets fell down. I told you to tie them around something solid, didn't I? I did. I had to tie it on my waist.
Come on. Let's get away from here. Gotta find some place to sleep tonight. Yeah. But here's my old girlfriend, Tessa Tinfoil's house. Maybe she could tell us where we can run a room.
[00:14:39] Unknown:
Man, help me out. Hello, Tessie. Hello, mister Abbott and my fat little lover boy, Louis. Hi, Ed, Jackson. Why do you call me Jackson? Because I look into birth? Because you're building a stone wall. Jesse, we've been put out of our apartment. What for? That's too damp. Too damp? Yes. There was too much to do on it. Well, I don't know where you're going. I say I don't know where you're going to get another room. I heard you the first time.
[00:15:23] Unknown:
Wait a minute, Tess. See, a room's that tough to get?
[00:15:26] Unknown:
A truck driver drove by here this morning, and a crate of oranges fell off the truck. And before the driver could turn around to pick it up, two families from Oklahoma had moved in the crate and was selling the oranges. Well, what do we do now? Let's go next door to our old friend, Scotty. He might be able to put us up. What's my laddies? I'll have to come outside to talk to you. I can't let any light in the room. I'm feeding the cat.
[00:15:50] Unknown:
What's the light got to do with feeding the cat? Well, I painted our saucer with whitewash. She thinks it's milk. Look, Johnny. We've been put out of our room, and there's no laughing matter. We have no place to stay tonight. Could you put us up? Well, I've got an extra bed, but before I could let you sleep in it, I'll have to ask you to take off your shoes. Okay. Hey.
[00:16:14] Unknown:
My shoes are off. Just as a thought. Estella, you got a big hole in your sock. You can't sleep in a bed. What's the hole got to do with it? Well, if your toenails are sharp enough to cut through those heavy woolen socks, just think what they would do to my thin sheets. Good night. Abbott, Abbott will never get a place to sleep. I'm so tired I can hardly stand up. You boy. Hey. Look, Estella. The actress, Bessie Mae Mucho. But the Lord you got Bach from New York. Welcome to Holywood.
[00:16:59] Unknown:
Why? What have you been doing since we were gone, Bessie? I've become a businesswoman.
[00:17:04] Unknown:
I've opened up a condi show.
[00:17:08] Unknown:
A condi show?
[00:17:10] Unknown:
Sure, Abbot. You know what a condi show is. That's what it makes saltwater toothy and poopsicle pizza And poop. I had so much fun making candy. I spent the whole day whipping up a pond of coconut food. Don't you just adore coconut food? No. I'd rather have a stack of genie poos and pooping poopermants.
[00:17:46] Unknown:
Miss Woodrow, we haven't any place to sleep tonight. Can you tell us where we can get a room? No. I'm afraid I can't, mister Roberts.
[00:17:52] Unknown:
Things are very bad in Holywood. You might get into the trailer comp on the Los Angeles River. I'd rather pitch a toot on the boots where I can feel the ocean bruising. And watch the wobs come in. Was you ever hitting a puss with a wob? Well, I hope you find a room. And as they say in French, a bonsoir mon petite a regard e vous to you. And they pitch a postcard to you too.
[00:18:20] Unknown:
Well, come on, Costello. We can't give up. We'll find a room somewhere.
[00:18:31] Unknown:
Oh, Abbott. Abbott. I can't walk another step. My feet are killing me. I'm so tired. You don't hear me complaining, do you? Do you mind if I put you down and you carry me for a while? Look. It's 02:00 in the morning, Costello. We'd better go to sleep in the park and cover ourselves with newspapers. Not me, Abbott. I'm not gonna go to sleep on the newspapers. Why not? Last time I slept under a newspaper, I slept under a sport page. And all night long, Joe Lewis kept poking me in the eye.
[00:18:58] Unknown:
Wait a minute, Costello. There's a policeman standing on the corner. Now suppose you go over there and insult them. What would happen? I insult the policeman before I was in jail. You see? You'd have a place to sleep, wouldn't you? Hey. You're right. But I don't I don't wanna I don't I don't wanna Wait a minute. Go ahead. You'll do as I tell you. Go ahead and insult the cop, and I'll I'll see that he takes us to jail. You'll see that he takes us to jail? Go ahead. Insult. Okay.
[00:19:20] Unknown:
Hi, f Blackfoot.
[00:19:23] Unknown:
Good morning, boy. I'm, I'm officer O'Hara.
[00:19:27] Unknown:
You look more like officer O'Hara.
[00:19:34] Unknown:
What did you look like when you were alive? Feeling kind of good,
[00:19:38] Unknown:
You bought us mustache. Get him over the ears in this guy, Abbott. He looks like a taxi cab with both doors open. Just a minute. Tell him I'm insulting you. Just a minute, buddy. I want to write that down. Now you're getting him, Costello. Give him some more. Go ahead and some more insults. Sure. Poke the Abbott. Get him over that skull. I'd like to be around when that thing hatches. Go ahead. Write it down. I'll write that down too. Go ahead. Write it down. Give me a pen, Abbot. I'll stick in that broom head and let the air out. Uh-oh. I'll write that down too. Well, I wrote down everything you said. Good night, Bobby. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Ain't you gonna arrest us? No. Then why did you write that stuff down? I gotta tell some jokes tonight at the policeman's ball. Boy, are these dandies? I'll kill people.
[00:20:21] Unknown:
Wait, Catello. Don't let him get away. We've gotta get arrested so we can go to sleep in jail. Grab grab that brick bag. See that? Grab that yeah. That's it. I'll throw it through that jewelry store window. Hurry up. Okay.
[00:20:33] Unknown:
Hey. Hey. Hey. Who threw that lock to the jewelry store window? Hey. Get off, sir. Take me the tail. Lock me up. Lock you up. Well, there was a crook robbing that jewelry store, and your brick hit him in the head and knocked him out. You saved my job. Thank you.
[00:20:48] Unknown:
How do I send? I continue to get arrested now. Don't talk you about the reason. Hey. Wait a minute. There's a fire alarm box. They have to arrest you. Just turn into false alarm. Go ahead. Break up to the glass.
[00:21:02] Unknown:
Who turned in that fire alarm? I did. Call the policeman. Have me arrested. Have you arrested while I was asleep and my house was on fire? You saved my life. Well, say something. Come over here and kiss your poor old father. Oh, you brave, brave hero. I owe my life to you. Here's $10,000. Now take it and heaven bless you. Look. I've got $10,000. We're rich. We're rich. Now we can pay missus Miles her back house rent. We don't have to go to jail. We don't have to go to jail. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Wait a minute. What's all the hilarity about here? What's all the hilarity for? Look over. I just got this house settled a few minutes ago, and and and just think I wanted to go to jail. Now I don't have to. I can live in the finest hotel. Well, Connello, the officer was kind enough not to arrest you. Why don't you take care of him? I split my $10 bill once. Certainly. Okay. Hey, Rob, sir. Here is $10 for you. Oh, rivalry.
[00:22:07] Unknown:
You're under arrest. Under under arrest. Certainly good to be back in good old Hollywood again, isn't it? It certainly is, Evan. We have the greatest audiences here that we Pardon me, mister Costello, but we would like to have your picture for Look Magazine this month. Will you post, please? I'll be glad to. Thank you. Now I'll just get down on my knees. Hold it. There. Thank you very much. Wait a minute. What's the idea of getting down on your knees to take my picture? You took a picture of my stomach. That's right. It's just a hotshot.
[00:22:38] Unknown:
Good night, folks. Good night. Good night.
[00:22:44] Unknown:
Be sure to tune in next week for another great Happiness Costello show brought to you by Camel Cigarettes. And remember, try Camel's in your tea zone. See if they don't suit your taste, your throat to a t. C a m e l
[00:22:58] Unknown:
f.
[00:23:06] Unknown:
Pipe smokers, there's one tobacco smoked in more pipes than any other in the world. Prince Albert. Choice tobacco. Rich, mellow, mild, and specially treated to prevent tongue bite. And crimp cut for smooth, cool, even burning. Why not try PA right away? And don't forget, June 16 is Father's Day. Prince Albert makes an ideal Father's Day gift. Either the pound package with a special Father's Day wrap for the half pound tin. Saturday night, be sure to listen to Prince Albert's Grand Ole Opry. You'll hear Red Foley, Grand Ole Opry's sensational new romantic singer. Remember, Grand Ole Opry is Saturday night on NBC with Red Foley.
[00:23:50] Unknown:
Be sure to listen at this very same time next week for another Abbott and Costello show for Camel Cigarettes. Stay around for Rudy Vallee over most of these stations. This is Ken Niles in Hollywood wishing you all a pleasure. Good night for
[00:24:06] Unknown:
Camel.
